The Most Chapter of Chapters
“WAKE UP!”
Pinkie Pie woke up, and fell out of bed. She fell not only out of bed but into a large crevice filled with jelly syringes. She sighed, “Another one of those days, is it?”
This was the third time this week Twilight had tried to summon Snow White and the seven dwarves of the apocalypse. Will she ever learn? No, and shut up.
“NO! You shut up!” Fluttershy landed clumsily in the pile of spinach flavoured cinnamon balls that Pinkie fell into a crevice of. Fluttershy could read minds ever since she was cursed by an idiot. Not any specific idiot, just idiocy in general.
“It is not a curse; it’s an un-curse.” Fluttershy stamped her hooves wildly on the ground.
Pinkie Pie sighed a fourth time. Dealing with Fluttershy was tricky now; as long as she didn’t start thinking about anything at all she would be....
...........
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.......
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..
Damn, Pinkie thought about breakfast.
“Pinkie! How could you? I thought we were friends.” Fluttershy flew off screaming bloody murder and all their greatest hits.
Pinkie Pie sighed for the second time and called up Rainbow Dash on her hyper-super watch. A hologram of Rainbow’s face appeared.
“Welcome to Cantertucky Fried Tofu. How may I help you?”
Pinkie almost shed a tear at the emotionless face of her friend. She hadn’t been the same since the accident.
‘The’ accident!
‘That’ accident!!!!!
You know the one she means.
Pinkie responded to her jaded friend, “I’m trapped in a crevice filled with concrete trampolines. Can you get me out?”
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“I ain’t got no worries, I ain’t got no fears. Just come down to the carousel and drown ‘em in beers.”
Rarity sang like a bird.
No, not a bird; that other thing.
Crap!
Rarity sang like week old mule manure.
Pinkie was not looking forward to this. Fluttershy would have already gone to Rarity’s to drink away the pain. Rarity was now in the alcohol business, and served only the strongest beer in Rarity’s entire pub. Rarity’s sign had been vandalized to say ‘But Carousel”. Pinkie didn’t get it. She dragged Rainbow Dash in by the tail. Inside was...
Oh wait, she got the joke now!
‘But’ as in ‘anus’!
That’s actually really clever when you think about it.
Inside was dark and seedy. The seeds would sprout into light-bulbs by next summer. Not Rarity’s smartest idea but nothing ever was.
Fluttershy was drinking heavily from a mug the size of her head. She drank the beer down, and then cried alcoholic tears back into the mug, drinking from it once again. The cycle would go on for as long as it took to not be going on.
Pinkie dragged herself and Rainbow up to the bar. Rarity was busy serving other customers, and Sweetie Belle was dead.
Or maybe on the toilet, it doesn’t really matter. The point is she’s not there
Fluttershy called out, “She’s in the conservatory.”
Shut up, Fluttershy, no one asked you.
“NOOOOO!”
Pinkie decided to groan instead of sigh. Variety is the spice of life. She turned over to see Applejack playing a lonely tune on the grand piano. Applejack was a mute now. The piano wasn’t mute though, that still worked just fine.
“Hey! Applejack! Play that song with the notes in it.”
Applejack nodded and started playing ‘Three Blind Mice’ in honour of the cutie mark crusaders.
They weren’t blind, or mice. But there were three of them.
Rarity came over to Pinkie and Rainbow. “What’ll it be, hon.”
Pinkie sighed, deciding to stick with what she knows. “I’ll have a Celunia mix on the rocks. Rainbow?”
“Why yes, I would like to change my phone plan. Of course I’ll hold.” Rainbow was pretty stupid now-a-days.
Pinkie spoke up for her stupid friend. “She’ll have an Apple Salmon Shock.”
Suddenly the bar went silent. A very sexy OC alicorn named Nightdeathmoon Goldstrikeninjapirate asked, “Did you just say; Mango Lemon?”
“No” Pinkie said. Then the bar went back to normal.
Applejack had started playing that one song everyone hates.
Rarity threw a dart at her. “Applejack, don’t play that song. Play any other song but that one.”
Applejack kept playing. Rarity remembered and copy/pasted, “Applejack, don’t play that song. Play any other song but that one.” onto a piece of paper.
AJ read the note and said, “Sure thing, sugar pie.”
Rarity handed the drinks over to Pinkie and Rainbow Dash, “She’s been more difficult to deal with ever since she became deaf. So, what brings you into my humble abode this fine ‘morn?”
“Twilight has done something.”
Rarity smashed her face into a television screen. “Again?!”
Pinkie nodded. And sighed. “We don’t have much time. If I know Twilight Sparkler, which I do, then she’ll already be in contact with the hordes of the damned.
Rainbow suddenly cried out, “Look at me!”
Pinkie and Rarity both turned to the idiot Rainbow Dash.
“I’ve lost my screwdriver.”
Damn, Rainbow Dash was all kinds of fruit loops.
Pinkie continued on from where she left off. “Anyway, if we are going to save Ponyville, we’re going to have to assemble.”
Rarity chuckled, “Don’t worry Pinkie, we’re already here.”
Pinkie was shocked. Indeed Rarity was right, all the important ponies as well as Applejack were here. Pinkie smiled at her friend. “That’s why you’re the tall one, Rarity.”
Rarity smashed a glass into her vertebrae.
“Don’t ever change Rarity.”
Applejack stumbled over to the empty stool next to Pinkie, knocking over their drinks. “Sorry y’all; been a bit hard to get around ever since I lost my eyesight. So what’s the plan for taking on Twilight?”
Pinkie sighed. “Right now we have two options. We can sit here and drink it away; hopefully Twilight will stop trying to end the world. We could go down to the library and throw things at her; that won’t work but it should be funny. Or we can activate the Device.”
Rainbow Dash, for reasons no one can comprehend, added, “We could be a ginger bread lamp.”
Pinkie, after intensely staring at her blue brained friend for a minute or two, kept on. “Ok, so that’s five options. Fluttershy get over here, we need to take a vote.”
Fluttershy flew over, hearing the narration that she was flying over.
Pinkie drew out 5 pieces of paper. “Everyone write down your choice. Don’t forget to put down your name so we know who voted anonymously.”
After quickly scribbling down their favoured choices, they were left with a tie between the five options that they totally had.
Pinkie not only sighed, but rubbed her face in her hands. But she didn’t do that because she doesn’t have hands. “Ok, let’s just go to the library and wing it.”
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy looked at Pinkie, wondering if she was trying to make a pun.
Pinkie was indeed trying to make a pun.
It wasn’t very... punny.
Applejack turned around to the giant eel eating Leprechaun named Wall Smyth. Due to her being mute, as was mentioned before, she wrote a note for him asking if he could teleport them all to the library.
Wall nodded his head, as the ancients had also nodded their heads.
Applejack grinned at the ponies at the bar. “Well, our rides ready. Let’s move along.”
Rarity, suddenly in a panic, remembered to ask Pinkie Pie, “Wait, did you still want those drinks you ordered?”
“No, Applejack knocked them over already.”
“But I hadn’t given them to you yet.”
“Yeah, I’m still pretty confused about that myself.”
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After a brief hour of magic the teleporting, the three friends and Applejack landed in front of Twilight Sparkle’s home. Standing outside was Twilight, who was sitting on a throne she got off the pony equivalent of EBay.
ENeigh or something.
“Hello my friends, nice of you to drop in at this fine, end of the world.”
Rarity picked herself off the ground and cleaned herself off.
She sensed something was off, but couldn’t figure out what.
Suddenly, it dawned on her.
She was now the main character!
She glared at Twilight, who laughed maniacally like a manic. “You rotten lima bean! What have you done?”
Twilight grinned wickedly at the white but not white in a racist way unicorn. “Why, I’ve livened up the story. Now we can a picnic on the beach!”
Rarity kicked her face in the chin. “NO! I’ll never have a picnic with you! NEVER!”
Twilight laughed slightly differently but still maniacally. “It’s not your choice Rarity, it’s up to the judges.”
Twilight gestured over to a group of four ponies at a desk. Each was holding a number on a piece of card; 7, 6.6, 7.2, 7.9.
Rarity fell onto a spike on the ground. Not ‘Spike’ spike, just a regular spike. All seemed lost. She looked behind at her friends who were now FINALLY getting up.
Applejack brushed the mud of her body; quite an astounding feat considering there wasn’t any mud anywhere for her to be muddy. “Is every pony alright?”
Pinkie Pie sighed, “We’re all ok AJ, and you can stop yelling.”
“Did some pony say something?!”
Rainbow Dash was also awake. She was sniffing her armpits for hidden treasure. What a total idiot, right?
Twilight, now in full armoured duck uniform, landed in the middle of the hapless ponies. “DOTH THE HEROES REQUIRE SUPERNATURAL AID? COME THEN! I SHALL GIVE YOU ALL THE AIDS YOU NEED!”
They all laughed politely.
“What? What’s so funny?”
Pinkie spoke up for the others, “Oh, you know, that thing you said. With the aids and... never mind.”
Twilight regained her composure. “IMBECILES (hey that’s another good word I could use for Rainbow Dash) I SHALL DESTROY YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU LOVE AND MAYBE EVERYTHING YOU HATE!”
Applejack smiled at the others, “Well that’s not so bad, and at least I can’t smell what’s going on.”
“DOOM WILL TAKE YOU!”
And with that, Twilight summoned smaller Giga-World Render; a monster the size of 10 smaller cars. Or he would be that size but in Equestria there are no cars, only trains.
And tanks too apparently.
But no cars at all, what’s up with that?
Rarity looked at her friends and Applejack, who was walking around blindly. “Don’t worry! I have a plan!”
“What! I can’t hear you!”
Rarity rolled her eyes in sync with Pinkie Pie sighing. Rainbow Dash was asking a nearby ladybug for directions to the Ocean of Dreams. What an idiot.
Crap; that was supposed to be imbecile that time.
Rarity, still the main character for now, shouted up at her crazy purple friend. “Come on, Twilight don’t be a biscuit.”
Twilight, realizing the error of her ways, rejoined her friends. “Yeah I guess you’re right.”
They all gathered together and shared a big group hug. Bernard the octopus also joined in the hug.
Way to go Bern!
And everything was happiness.
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Meanwhile, Fluttershy was somewhere else.
If you’re really curious as to where she was, you can decide yourself.
“I think I’m in a junkyard.”
And now the story is over.
“That’s not fair!”
OR WAS IT?
“Is it?”
IT IS!