Derpy Saves Hearth's Warming
A Visit from Princess Luna
Twas the night before Hearth’s Warming, and all were asleep
Down in Ponyville where the snow was so deep,
Nary a door could be seen in the town all that clear.
(The weather team certainly delivered this year!)
But it hardly now mattered how much snow had been moved,
For it was warm in the house of Derpy Hooves.
Yes, Derpy and Dinky were asleep in their beds,
While visions of muffins did dance in their heads.
Outside the wind howled, set the windows to rattle;
Sounding to all like a Hearth’s Warming battle.
Yet both mother and daughter ignored the wind’s bellow,
Derpy indeed smiled… while eating her pillow.
When suddenly there went up such a clatter!
Like when Pinkie once blended Rock-y road batter.
Dinky stirred little, but her mother was awake,
For she knew she heard her house start to shake.
Careful to not wake Dinky, she rose to her hooves,
And said, “Gosh! I think that sound came from the roof!
“Could there be burglars here on Hearth’s Warming Eve?”
She shivered. “Hope they just get on and leave…”
There was a crash and a bang! The burglars had fumbled?
It sounded like they’d just had a very Derpy tumble.
From the roof to the den, they fell most painfully,
And from her experience, Derpy knew it was the chimney.
Taking a bat in her wing, Derpy took to the stairs.
She wouldn’t take this lying down, even if she was scared!
She scampered past the kitchen, and snuck to the den,
Aware that an intruder may lay within.
But as Derpy approached, she blushed red, and felt rue,
For ‘twas Princess Luna… fallen down her chimney flue.
The Princess lay soot-covered, concussed on the floor.
The sight of that mare scared poor Derpy to the core!
“Princess Luna?” she gasped. “Is that you? Are you alright?
… You’re not gonna sue?” she blanched. “See, money is tight…”
“Never fear, Derpy dear,” Luna said and shook off
A mountain of soot that her coat had soaked up.
Instantly she returned to her dark majesty,
As if it were magic (it just might well be!).
“Apologies for my entrance, I do implore,”
Luna said, looking ‘round. “Er… where is your door?
I fear that this blizzard has completely snowed-in.”
“That would be Rainbow Dash. She weathers to win…”
Derpy said with a laugh, but then frowned in confusion.
“Wait…” she asked. “Is this a dream? An illusion?
Cuz I can’t believe there’s a Princess on my floor…!”
“Neigh! Tis no dream!” Luna cried, “It’s so much more!”
Luna then trotted over, closing the distance.
She bowed low, and said, “I need your assistance.
A mistake has been made that you wouldn’t believe,
That threatens to ruin this Hearth’s Warming Eve.
Celestia and I, as our holiday’s goal,
Send out a gift to every orphan foal.
It’s how we give back a little Hearth’s Warming spirit,
To those in Equestria who desperately need it.
But then, with retirement, and the Trio’s Bell Plot,
This year’s been so hectic that we simply forgot!”
“That’s awful!” said Derpy. “I think I’m gonna cry…!”
“Please don’t interrupt,” said Luna. “Now… where was I?
Ah! Now there is a sleigh atop of your roof,
All laden with gifts, and each picked by my hoof.
I intend to deliver them, each every one.
With a bit of luck, I might just beat the sun.”
“Where is Celestia?” asked Derpy, hearing that.
“She couldn’t fit!” Luna laughed. “Her flank is too fat!
No, that’s not true,” she admitted, “tis but a jest.
My sister distracts while I put this to rest.
She’s hosting the orphans while I get to my work.
Aye,” she snorts, “that’s the elder sister’s perk.
Throwing fun parties for foals… what a Plight!
Whilst I must crisscross the whole country by night.”
Derpy grew quite quiet as she took all this in,
While the Princess stood still, smiling in chagrin.
And then, Derpy said, “Sorry, there’s no orphans here.
It’s just Dinky, myself, and Amethyst dear.
The Doctor rents space, while Bulk lives in the attic,
And unless I’m forgetting, I think that’s about-it.
I’m sorry you came all this way just for nuthin’.
Still…” Derpy said, “… let me fetch you a muffin.”
Luna blocked her escape as she moved to the door,
And said, “But Derpy, it’s you I’ve come for!”
“Me!?” Derpy gasped. “Oh no no! You’ve got it all wrong!
I’m nopony special. I don’t belong in this song.”
“Well, that’s where you’re wrong!” Luna said, and she pleaded,
“In fact, you are exactly who is needed.”
“Surely the Elements would be better than me?”
Luna shook her head. “Here is why that can’t be:
The Apples and Sparkles have combined holidays,
And are in the Baahamas, ‘neath the sunrays.
Discord took Fluttershy on a tour of the – oh.
What did he call them? Ah yes. The borogroves –
While Pinkie and Rarity are in an alarm,
Sharing a stressful holiday at the Rock Farm.”
“You didn’t mention Dash,” Derpy said. “Wouldn’t speed…?”
Luna said, “Speed is good, but it's not what I need.
Though you are not as slow as a turtle or snail,
You have never been lost while delivering mail.
Your records are perfect, your errors a smidgeon.
Your sense of direction is that of a pigeon!
You are the only pony who can plan my route,
For if I mess this up, I’ll have egg on my snoot.”
“But Princess,” Derpy said, “I mess up all the time!”
She sighed, not knowing how to even end that rhyme.
Luna tilted her head up and stared, steely-eyed.
“Doubt not yourself,” she said. “No! Don’t even try!
I believe in you, Derpy. Though perhaps you do not,
And I beg of you now to give it a shot!
If not for yourself, well then do it for me!
For the foals, for Equestria, for your country!
I’m not asking that you should do this for nothing.
Just name your price. What would you like, to save…?”
“Muffins!”
“Muffins?” Luna queried, and gaped at Derpy.
“Well… they’d be nice,” Derpy laughed. “But I’ll do it for free!
I’m sorry I was so wrapped up in my own head…”
Luna booped her on the nose. “Think nothing of it!
So, Derpy… with your smile so bright,
Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”
Well, Derpy agreed. However could she not?
And at this, Luna laughed. “It’s just as I thought!
Now away, let’s away! To save Hearth’s Warming Eve!
To deliver the gifts of the foals who believe!
We shall climb together, up the chim-n-ney flue…!”
“Um… we have an attic door.”
“Fine… I guess that works too.”
When they got to the roof, Derpy gawked at the sight;
Eight thestral guards lashed to a sleigh of midnight.
They were decked out in black armor, gleaming with spells…
Though somewhat put off by the bright jingle bells
Hooked onto their harness, and also the sleigh,
Which looked too grim for Nightmare Night, by the way.
Yes, though they all appeared in fine festive fettle,
The sleigh and the guards were juuuust a bit Metal.
“Doesn’t fit the season,” Derpy said, snow knee-deep.
“Please!” Luna scoffed. “I’ve a reputation to keep!”
Derpy tied herself up to the head of the sleigh,
As Luna took charge, and cried, “Dash! Dash away!”
With a cry and a holler, she called out the names
Of the guards, whom Derpy led now as the same.
“Now Blackwing! Now Nightwing! Now Moon Ring, and Echo!
Now Razor! Now Stargazer! Book Worm, and Willow!
To the vault of the sky! To the bed of the stars!
Dash away! Dash away! Dash away far!”
And away they did fly, with Derpy in the lead.
Which while great… lead to some problems, I’ll concede.
By morning light, the damages were substantial,
And led the crown into debts quite financial.
Sixteen roofs were shattered by the rampaging sleigh,
As were some trees that did not get out the way.
The sleigh’s rails scooped up festive roof lights by the yard,
And over the ocean, lost one of the guards.
But just to sum up the lost events of this song,
In Derpy’s words: “I just don’t know what went wrong!”
Yet Luna’s words proved true, her vision prophetic.
They did it all in one night! Copacetic!
The gifts were delivered, the orphans oblivious,
Of this fair rip-off of Old Saintly Nicholas.
But what of dear Derpy? Of Luna, the Princess?
Why, they made it back, of course! Though both breathless.
Sure, the lawn was destroyed. And the sleigh was a heap.
And the not-missing guards each gave their two weeks.
But both mares were happy! They’d just saved the day!
After that… Derpy couldn’t send Luna away.
They sat down with the family and basked in the cheer,
That only occurs at this time of the year.
Gifts were exchanged, and pie and cider imbibed,
But that is a tale to be told another time.
And so, we must leave you, but not for too long.
Ponies remain in your heart, even when they are gone.
The Magic of Friendship unites us near and far,
Happy Hearth’s Warming to all, wherever you are!
Author's Note
