Nightmare Moon is a...Salespony?!
By iAmSiNnEr
“Isn't this exciting?” Pinkie exclaimed. “Are you excited, 'cause I'm excited, I've never been so excited— well, except for the time that I saw you walking into town and I went,” Pinkie gasped for effect. “But I mean really, who can top that?”
“Fillies and gentlecolts,” Mayor Mare began. “As mayor of Ponyville, it is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the Summer Sun Celebration!” Everypony cheered at that, stomping their hooves on the ground.
“In just a few moments, our town will witness the magic of the sunrise, and celebrate this, the longest day of the year! And now, it is my great honor to introduce to you the ruler of our land, the very pony who gives us the sun and the moon each and every day, the good, the wise, the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria…” Mayor Mare took a breath.
“Ready?” Fluttershy whispered to her birds in a corner.
“...Princess Celestia!” Mayor Mare announced, throwing back the curtain.
Behind the curtain, there was nopony there, and furtive whispers began to fill the room.
“This can’t be good,” Twilight muttered under her breath.
“Remain calm, everypony, there must be a reasonable explanation!” Mayor Mare shouted.
“Ooh, ooh, I love guessing games! Is she hiding?” Pinkie piped up.
“She's gone!” Rarity exclaimed, and everypony gasped. Suddenly, shadows collected into a shape on top of the balcony, forming a black-colored alicorn covered in blue armor.
“Oh no...Nightmare Moon!” Twilight whispered.
“Oh, my beloved subjects. It's been so long since I've seen your precious little sun-loving faces.” Nightmare Moon sneered.
“What did you do with our Princess?!” Rainbow Dash shouted as she rushed forward trying to attack Nightmare Moon. Applejack quickly bit onto Rainbow Dash’s tail, holding her back.
“Whoa there, Nelly…” Applejack muttered through the tail.
Nightmare Moon chuckled. “Why, am I not royal enough for you? Don't you know who I am?”
Pinkie Pie hummed and hmmed. “Ooh, ooh, more guessing games! Um, Hokey Smokes! How about... Queen Meanie! No! Black Snooty, Black Snooty—” Applejack quickly stuck an apple into her mouth, muffling Pinkie’s voice.
“Does my crown no longer count now that I have been imprisoned for a thousand years?” Nightmare Moon loomed over Fluttershy, before looking at Rarity. “Did you not recall the legend? Did you not see the signs?”
“I did,” Twilight stepped forward. “And I know who you are. You're the Mare in the Moon – Nightmare Moon!” The ponies gasped as one at that.
“Well well well, somepony who remembers me,” Nightmare Moon bared her fangs in a grin. ”Then you also know why I'm here.”
“You're here to... to…” Twilight gulped.
“Why, to sell the idea of Eternal Night to you ponies, of course!” Nightmare Moon exclaimed.
“Wait, what?” Twilight blinked in surprise.
“You see,” Nightmare Moon continued. “I’ve been on the moon for what, a thousand years? In my time there, I’ve built an amusement park, several houses, and even a castle for myself. I was thinking to myself - why not sell the idea instead of forcing it? I’ve seen how it went for previous villains, including me. Why go through the whole charade again to be defeated once more?”
“But you foalnapped Princess Celestia!” Mayor Mare spluttered.
“Oh, please,” Nightmare Moon rolled her eyes, before pulling back yet another curtain with her magic. “She’s right here.” Behind the curtain, there was Princess Celestia, examining a few papers and signing on one or two. Once she noticed the eyes on her, she looked up sheepishly.
“What?” She protested. “My estranged sister offered me nine percent tax rebates on all tourism on the moon. How am I supposed to refuse that? She also offered me unlimited moon pies. Oh, and Luna, do remember our deal if you’re going to go with what you told me about.”
“Of course!” Nightmare Moon grinned as her horn lit up. Her form shrank down as the armor disappeared to be replaced by regalia. Her black fur changed color, lightening to a lighter shade of blue. Even as the crowd watched, the regalia was covered by a suit, and a suitcase popped into existence beside her. In short, she now looked like a salespony. “Any questions?”
Half the crowd raised their hooves. “No, the moon isn’t made of cheese,” Nightmare Moon said through a gritted smile. “Any other questions?” Half the ponies who raised their hooves lowered them.
Twilight raised her hoof tentatively.
“You there!” Nightmare Moon pointed at her.
“Well, I was wondering,” Twilight sheepishly pawed at the ground. “If eternal night is a thing - what happens to Princess Celestia’s raising of the sun? And if there’s supposed to be tourism on the moon - how do we breathe on it?”
“For the first question, young mare,” Nightmare Moon cleared her throat. “Celestia will no longer continue to raise the sun. I offered her an excellent retirement home on the moon, along with a suite in the palace should she ever wish to use it. Of course, she’ll still have full use of the castle in Canterlot - it’s hers, after all.”
“As for the second question,” Nightmare Moon pulled out a diagram from the suitcase. “I was hoping you could help with the designs for the domes I was planning to build on the moon. I heard many good things about other ponies, but Celestia recommended you highly for me to hire.”
Twilight’s eyes widened as Nightmare Moon levitated the diagrams over to her. “...domes? Oxygen is transported using tubes…Magical teleportation devices to transport ponies up to the moon...” She sat down on the ground as her eyes began raking through the diagrams and scanning them. Occasionally, she would scribble something with a quill.
“Does this means she accepts?” Nightmare Moon looked at Celestia, who answered with a nod.
Applejack raised a hoof.
“Yes, the orange earth pony!” Nightmare Moon gestured at her.
“Is the whole eternal night thing going to affect mah crops?” Applejack questioned.
Nightmare Moon shook her head. “Heavens, no! I would not want my subjects to die of starvation. The air will be saturated enough with magic to replicate the effects of sunlight, letting your plants photosynthesize. Alternatively, you could claim the sun lamps from my new administration once it is set up.”
“How is eternal night going to affect Equestria’s tax policies?” Mayor Mare suddenly asked.
“You’ll have 7% less tax, reducing the current 12% to 5%,” Nightmare Moon explained. “General service tax will be reduced from 8% to 2%. As an added bonus, I’ll be adjusting a few tax policies so that the less privileged will not have to pay as much tax.”
Celestia raised a hoof. “How do you expect to make up the deficit?” She questioned. “That much decrease in taxes will make a dent in the government funds.”
“Oh, that’ll be easily solved,” Nightmare Moon smiled. “I’ll put more focus on the tourism industry to get more funds. I’ll establish trade relations with our neighbors, and open up channels between our countries for more economic relationships.”
“What will be your stand on Non-equestrian countries?” Rarity quickly asked. “You know, Diamond Dogs, Minotaurs, and the such.”
“Trade relations, of course,” Nightmare Moon answered. “But if they wish to attack my new reign, I will crush them with all my might. No creature will harm the interests of the ponies.”
“Is military service mandatory?” Rainbow Dash yelled from the back of the room.
“Nope!” Nightmare Moon shook her head. “It is on a volunteer basis. But if you do sign up, you’ll get free three meals of the day, generous pay,” The ponies looked unimpressed at that. “And a free pith helmet!” At this, the ponies oohed and aahed.
“Sick, I love those!” Rainbow Dash grinned. “Count me in!” Others chimed in their interest with Rainbow Dash.
“The Equestrian Army will also be renamed,” Nightmare Moon continued. “To the Raiding Shadow Legends! This is, of course, helped by our sponsor, Skillshare! Skillshare is a-”
“Let’s skip the advertisements and do that later, shall we?” Celestia suggested.
“Yes, yes, of course,” Nightmare Moon coughed. “Any other questions?”
Twilight raised her hoof. “Yes, Twilight Sparkle?”
“If we’re experiencing eternal night,” Twilight asked. “How are we supposed to tell time?”
“With the help of our other sponsor, of course! They have generously provided enough funds to supply clocks to every household. ” Nightmare Moon beamed. “Our other sponsor is NordVPN. NordVPN will keep your travel history safe from your parents, spouses that you’re cheating on, and-”
“I think that will be all for this sponsor,” Celestia coughed awkwardly.
“I think so, too,” Nightmare Moon nodded. “Are there any other questions? None? Very well. To end off, a bonus for you all. Forever will the stars be arranged in beautiful art patterns! Every twenty-four hours, the stars will change locations, changing to a new art form!”
“How are we supposed to navigate, then?” A random sailor yelled.
“Why, with the help of our sponsor, of course! They have provided boxes of compasses to every sailing and shipping company. Our sponsor is Honey! With Honey, you can save on every purchase you make with coupons-”
“LUNA, NO!”
Author's Note
i have to stop shitposting
