Confessions of an Equineby Jersey LightningChaptersChapter 1Chapter 2Chapter 3Chapter 4Chapter 5Chapter 6Chapter 7Chapter 8Chapter 9Chapter 10Chapter 11Chapter 1Confessions of an Equine Chapter 1 You have a certain perspective when you look back on the past, or more specifically, your past self. The you before you knew yourself. You might look back and wonder how you were ever so clueless, how, on reflection, you can't comprehend how you were ever less than you are. Then again, you might not. But I do; that's what happens when you've been through what I have. I'm not saying it's anything bad, if anything it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I can remember what life would be like if it hadn't happened, and the idea that if it hadn't I wouldn't have cared frightens me sometimes, perhaps more than it should. I worry that I'll wake up from this dream and everything will be like it was before, that I'll never have met the friends I've made, that I'll be that poor simple fool living on that farm in the ass end of nowhere, blissfully ignorant of what I was missing. But I'm getting ahead of myself, so I'll start at the beginning. My name is Maggie, and I'm a pony. You probably already knew that part, you're reading this after all, but the part you didn't know, the part that very few ponies know, is that 'Maggie' is a nickname. My full name is Magic Magnolia Jet Bar, and I was born on Earth, in Wyoming. Before I came here I was... less than I am now, the memories I have of that time scare me more than I'd like to admit, the memories I have as a sentient being, remembering when I wasn't. Often, I find that my thoughts come back to that December morning, the day that I... woke up. ~~ The day began, like most days, with a feeding. Two flakes of alfalfa, a scoop and a half of grain, the occasional licorice treat. Standard. Routine. Normal. Later, we were herded out into the pasture, free to graze, to run, to sleep. Free to be horses. That was my favorite part of the day, out in the sunlight, listening to the snow crunch under my hooves, not that I could truly appreciate such things... at the time. The wolf pack burst out of the treeline faster than I could react and they split up into the herd, trying to separate the foals from the mares. I felt a nip at my fetlock and fired my back leg like an over-wound spring, felt the shock travel up my leg, heard the splintering of... wood? Some part of me was confused by that, right up until the second wolf snapped at my leg. I panicked a blind unreasoning panic and I ran. The fence broke like dried twigs when I crashed into it, I broke through into the woods, branches and leaves scratched and cut at my face and legs. I didn't feel it, panic was driving me, fear was fueling me, blind panic was guiding me. There was a light in the woods, almost blinding, rippling. It called to me, drew me in. It exuded safety and warmth. I ran towards it, my hooves started to chip as I galloped across the rocks. I tripped. My hoof caught a seam in the rocks, if felt my leg snap, and I fell. My shoulder hit first, my head hit the rocks a second later; my teeth crashed together violently and I closed my eyes. Momentum carried me over and I rolled against the jagged rocks, felt another leg snap, felt the sharp edges digging into my hide. I felt the light beating down on me, felt myself pass through it... and then I felt burning, tearing at my flesh. I'd failed, the wolves had me. For as much as I could have understood it, I knew it was over. Sound faded away, feeling faded away... and I faded away. When I woke up I was surprised to be alive, surprised to be in as little pain as I was. I was surprised that thoughts had crossed my mind at all. It was as if a fog I was never aware of had been lifted from my mind. It was a strange feeling, hard to convey in words. Startling comes to mind, startling to be disturbed by thoughts you previously lacked the capacity to have, and even worse that you've the ability to be startled by them in the first place; Like your first breath of air after nearly drowning, except you never knew you were drowning in the first place. Terrifying is another word. There had been wolves trying to eat me, trying to eat my herd. I opened my eyes, the perspective was... off, like my eyes were in the wrong place. My vision to the sides was greatly reduced, everything in front of me was much clearer. I blinked. There was water in front of me, a small pond. I started to get up, my legs stung with sudden pain, but they held my weight. Walking felt different as I limped to the water's edge. In retrospect I'm not sure how I was able to move at all, but perhaps it was instinct overriding shock. I took a drink of the cool water. My mouth felt different, the position was wrong, but close enough to what I'd remembered that drinking wasn't too much of a problem. I stretched out a little after quenching my thirst. When I opened my eyes afterwards I spotted movement under me and looked down immediately. A Face was staring back at me from the surface of the water. I moved my head to the left, it followed me to the left; Moved my head to the right,it followed me to the right. Something compelled me to look closer and I lowered my head to the surface of the water again, closer, closer. My mouth touched the water, the Face touched me... and it was just the water. I pulled my head back, poked at the water with my right front hoof, saw my hoof touch the water, just as the hoof on the surface of the water touched it. A reflection. If the hoof in the water was my hoof... The Face must have been... me. My eyes opened wide in realization and I reared back, my hind legs gave out, and I found myself sitting directly on my flank, staring out at the surface of the pond. I sat there for what seemed like hours, trying to process everything, trying to figure out what had happened to me, trying to figure out why I was even capable of having that kind of thought. I shook my head and turned away from the pond and started walking, not sure what I was looking for, but feeling a need to look all the same. If I'd known what I was in for as I walked towards the rising sun... I guess I wouldn't have changed a thing. Chapter 2Confessions of an Equine Chapter 2 Running for your life twice in one day isn't something that anyone should have to go through, least of all someone in the middle of an existential crisis and suffering from leg injuries. Needless to say, I was doing just that. Sweat slicked my coat down to my skin as I tore through the forest, flight instincts again over-rode all, pain fell to the wayside to make way for deep-seated animalistic fear. I was making a habit out of panicking. Still, I was getting exercise in, some part of me was deeply pleased to finally have a chance to open up and run, something I hadn't much occasion to do for any distance within the confines of the pasture. My mouth was open, I was... making noises, unfamiliar noises. I was screaming, the word rose to the front of my mind, some memory from long before, from the pasture... I shook my head, I could hear the wolves behind me, smell them. They'd come back from where I'd come from, chased me from the pond, chased me towards the rising sun. There was a break in the trees, I leaped through the gap and onto a cleared path through the forest, cobblestones clinked under my hooves as I leaned in and pushed myself harder. I was terrified out of my mind, injured, hungry... and I'd never felt more alive. The wolves sped up, trying to catch me. They were fast, but I could knock a hole in the wind. I lowered my head and gave it everything I had left, just like those times under the bright lights, just me and three barrels... only this time there was no rider. In front of me the path elevated and there were two stone walls on either side. A bridge. The word entered my mind, another memory, I'd heard it spoken before, only now did everything connect. I cleared the bridge in only a few bounds, the wolves were falling behind, I heard noises ahead. I pulled my head up, slowed my sprint. Voices were ahead of me. The rush was wearing off, the pain was coming back. I pressed on towards the Voices as a limp asserted itself into my gait. I crossed out of the forest, into the wide open. I saw fences, recognized pastures. The Voices were near. My ears pivoted around, homing in on the sounds, I turned my head. They were like the Face in the water. Whatever I was, they surely were the same. The Red one, the Orange one. Red looked in my direction first, Orange followed suit. Red was chewing on straw, Orange had an oddly familiar hat. They both started towards me, were making noises, words, I realized. I couldn't make it out, the rush was leaving me, fatigue and pain were setting in. But it was okay, Red and Orange were like me, they were a herd, if only a herd of two. Safety in the herd. I closed my eyes and let gravity take me, I hadn't the strength or will left to fight it. ~~ When I opened my eyes again I was laying down on something soft, much softer than anything I had ever laid on before. Something was on top of me, I kicked out my legs and was immediately tangled up and started to roll. I was falling, and then I wasn't. I hit the ground with a thud and jolted myself fully awake. My legs were tangled up in a sheet of fabric. I heard hooves clopping against wood, approaching me rapidly, I struggled with the sheet, thrashed wildly on the floor, trying to kick it off of me. A click, the door opened, Red was standing over me. He leaned down, bit the corner of the sheet and pulled. I flopped out of it and leaped to my hooves and scrambled backwards up against the wall of the room I'd found myself in. Red looked surprised, though by what I didn't know. "Miss... are ya alright?" He asked me. My eyes widened. He'd spoken, I'd understood him. Was that something I could do as well? The Handlers were the only ones who could talk, and I'd never really understood them, not really, but this... I looked down at the floor, opened my mouth, "ahh... hnnnf..." the sounds felt foreign in my mouth, the sounds wouldn't come out like I wanted them to. My eyes darted side to side, I heard more hooves, was it Orange? Red stepped closer, he didn't have the stick of straw in his mouth anymore. "Miss...?" He looked troubled. I felt troubled, so we had that in common. I couldn't step back any more, my flank was against the wall. Orange poked her head into the door. I bit my lip, looked up at her, "Ahhfuhh..." I tried. I was getting closer to the word, could she tell what I was feeling? Could he see the panic on my face? The more I thought about things, the more my panic built. Red looked at Orange, she looked back at him. My ears pivoted around, listening for anything else approaching. Flight response was starting to take hold of me again. I fought back against it. "Affraaayy..." I was getting better at forming the sounds, still not quite there though. I closed my eyes and tried to force myself to relax. Instinct was fighting with intellect, neither was willing to give even an inch of ground. I opened my eyes again to see Orange stepping closer. She took her hat off with her front hooves, I was mystified that she was able to bend her legs that way, and she stepped closer. "Are... ya alright?" she asked me. Her face looked kind. I looked up into her eyes, "a... afraid." I'd done it, spoken. The first word of my life. Panic started to set in again, what was happening to me? Was this even real? Orange's face fell, she stepped in close to me, I didn't stop her. She put her hoof on my back, the contact was... vaguely familiar. "We'll figure what ever this out, yer gonna be okay, alright?" To my surprise, I felt a little better and when I looked in her eyes I believed her. Chapter 3Confessions of an Equine Chapter 3 I was expected to eat it, I imagined as I looked down in the bowl of steaming... something. It was brown, but in a non-uniform fashion, lighter and darker areas pervaded the semi-solid substance. The smell was not unpleasant. Red was watching me, Orange had said something to him before she left, though I hadn't heard it. If anything, I imagined it was something along the lines of 'keep an eye on her' though I couldn't be sure. Still, I wasn't particularly bothered by it; I wasn't too keen on being alone. Red seemed bothered that I wasn't eating it. I wasn't averse to the food, I was just unsure as to how I was supposed to eat it. There was a handle sticking out of the bowl. Something deep in the back of my mind told me I was supposed to use it to eat with it. "Do ya not like oatmeal?" Red asked me. He still had that troubled look. So it was oatmeal. I'd remembered oats, they were dry and cold, not moist and warm. I shifted a little on the bed and the bowl tipped slightly, as if threatening to spill its contents onto the sheets. I grabbed it with my front hooves, the movement felt both foreign and natural at once. I pushed those thoughts out of my mind. I dipped my head towards the bowl, I could feel Red's eyes boring into me. At least, I thought I could. I took a bite. It was delicious, to put it simply. The flavor of oats was easily recognizable but there was more, sweetness, and a hint of... spice. I felt the corners of my mouth curl up. 'A smile', the thought entered my mind unbidden. Still, I was hungry, I felt like I hadn't eaten in ages, and so I took a second bite, and a third, and a fourth. The bowl was empty before I was completely satisfied but it couldn't be helped. My ears swiveled around as the distance sound of hoofsteps on wood echoed into the room, I lifted my head from the bowl and turned to the door, Red was already looking. Orange was on her way down the hall, I recognized her voice, but there was also a second set of steps following behind. "Twi, I don't know where she came from but... well you take a look at 'er," Orange said as she appeared in the doorway. I caught a flash of purple. Two stepped into the room. Lavender, not quite purple, I was wrong. Lavender had a spike sticking out of her head, I wasn't sure why that was, but it made me a little nervous. She looked at me, we locked eyes. I saw... I thought I may have seen recognition. Her head-spike was enveloped in a purple glow; a pencil and a pad of paper floated out of...somewhere, and hovered in front of her. 'Nope.' I launched myself backwards off the bed, all four hooves in the air for a moment before I felt the hard wood floor under me, and I backpedaled right up against the wall, my eyes locked on the floating pad. Red, Orange, and Lavender stared at me in mute shock; I heard the pencil hit the floor. "Miss... are you alright?" Lavender asked. I shook my head. Of course I wasn't alright, she'd just... done something with otherworldly powers. She was talking. A talking horse, but not quite a horse... just different enough to be... disturbing. And I was the same. I sighed, I shouldn't have been worrying about that kind of thing, shouldn't have been able to worry about that kind of thing, but there I was, cowering in the corner like a foal because of a little... otherworldly magic. I wanted to answer her, wanted to tell her... something, but the words wouldn't come to mind, wouldn't have come out of my mouth even if they had. Red and Orange split up and walked to opposite corners of the room on the side away from me, Lavender came up the middle. 'They mean to herd me.' The thought sprung up into my mind. Fight or Flight, now or never. My body was bunched up like a coiled spring. The door was unguarded, Lavender's head-spike lit up with that soft purple glow. I kicked off the wall and launched myself over the bed in a single leap. Lavender followed my path with her eyes, I recognized shock on her face. I crossed the threshold, sunlight was pouring in at the end of the tunnel. I lowered my head and charged, a burst of acceleration. I could hear the hoofclops on the wooden floor behind me, could hear Red, Orange, and Lavender shouting at me, I didn't care, the wind was in my mane, I was out the door, out of the house. I was in the sun, the dirt beneath my hooves. I was out in the world again, the sky above me, ground below. I charged down the path with reckless abandon, let them try to catch me. I saw two more of the not-quite-horses in front of me, my mind assigned them as Mint and Cream. They looked at me in what I knew to be confusion as I sprinted past. I caught a flash of orange in the corner of my eye. It was Orange, she had caught up, was running alongside me. I saw rope in her mouth. 'Not today.' She might have been fast, had to be to have caught up, but this was in my blood, I was born to run. I let out something resembling a laugh as I lowered my head and pushed harder, started pulling away from my pursuer. The path changed abruptly, from dirt to rock. Bricks. I started to slip, the world spun around in a blur as my momentum carried me off of my hooves. I felt the ground slip from under me and felt my hide hit the road. I rolled, end over end, flashes of Red and Orange and green and blue and white and yellow. I slid to a stop and shook the daze from my head, I was sore but... not out of the woods yet, shoved myself back onto my hooves. I was surrounded, the not-quite-horses were on all sides, all colors, some with wings, some with head-spikes, some like Red and Orange and Cream. Buildings surrounded me, carts with wheels covered in vegetables, fruits, grains... Lavender appeared in front of me in a flash of light, I snorted and lowered my head. Running hadn't worked, I was fast but I was hurt. Still, If flight wouldn't work, that still left fight. I pawed at the brick with my front hoof, stared down Lavender, even as Red and Orange pushed through the herd to stand next to her. And then I charged. Chapter 4Confessions of an Equine Chapter 4 I didn't see it coming, couldn't have seen it. I felt it, the world turned sideways in an instant; I was on my back looking up into red-pink eyes. Cyan-Rainbow. My mind processed quickly as I assigned a name to this... winged-almost-horse. She looked angry, confused. I was terrified, pinned under a obviously angry mare, and injured, if only superficially. It hurt. It had come to that point: You have to make a choice, you keep pushing through, fighting till you've got nothing left... or you can give up, let what's going to happen happen. I looked up at Rainbow, and turned my head towards Lavender, Red, and Orange. Instinct was screaming in one ear, rationality in the other, and somewhere in the middle I made my choice: I gave up; Dropped slack to the cobblestone and relaxed. Whatever it was they had planned, I had to just wait and see. Everything was becoming increasingly clear, thoughts, sights, sounds, feelings. The fog that had lifted when I'd first woken up had apparently not been all of it, as I was thinking with an increasing clarity with every passing moment, as if I was still changing, like I'd woken up too soon from whatever had been happening by that pond. I felt something touch my shoulder, not a strike like I'd been expecting, more gentle. 'Concerned', the word entered my mind. I lifted my head and turned and saw Rainbow gently prodding my shoulder with her hoof, the fire and fight was gone from her eyes, replaced with something else. Fear? She thought she hurt me, my mind arrived at the conclusion rapidly, she hadn't meant to injure me, was afraid she'd overdone it. Red, Orange, and Lavender were staring at me as well, various levels of concern evident on their own faces. I pushed myself off the cobblestone and back onto my hooves, my sore muscles protested but they relented and allowed me to stand up, to show them, and especially Rainbow, that I was okay. They relaxed as I shifted around on my hooves, apparently confident I wasn't injured, or not too badly if I was. "What is all this commotion over here?" My head snapped around on a swivel, my eyes locked onto something... fabulous, another spike-head pony, this one was white... no... Alabaster, and had the most immaculately styled mane I'd ever seen, and it was purple. Alabaster approached, my eyes scanned across her form, searching for a tell as to her intentions. Her bearing conveyed... confidence and a hint of caution. She was clever, but even that can't completely hide what you're feeling. 'Where did that come from?' I thought to myself. "Is she alright?" Alabaster asked Rainbow. The crowd started to disperse behind her, the show was over, it seemed they had decided. "I don't know, she's just standing there. She tried to attack Twilight and I tackled her and then she just... stopped." Rainbow answered. 'If she hadn't chased me...' I thought as I looked past them at the buildings of the... town? That seemed to be the right word for it, town. The word just popped into my head, unbidden, just like the others. It was far too quiet, I turned my head to find the five of them staring at me, mouths slightly agape. "What was that, dear?" Alabaster asked with a raised eyebrow. I blinked and worked my mouth, it was open... "I... said?" I ground out haltingly, the words seemed harder to articulate when I meant to say them, maybe I was over-thinking the process. Another shock to my system, that I'd even had a concept of over-thinking a problem was new and foreign to me. "Yes... you did. Are you alright?" Alabaster asked again as she stepped towards me, her eyes widened as she got closer. I blinked twice and my mind went blank. "No," I said, simply, clearly, as I fell to the ground and thought no more. ~~ I felt like I'd been kicked in the head, and I did have experience to draw on for that. My eyes opened to a dimly lit room, wooden floor, wooden walls, wooden ceiling, wooden... everything. I was on a bed again, my head was on a pillow. It was not the same as the time before. I rolled my head, Lavender, or was it Twilight? "You're awake." She stated, it wasn't a question. "Y-" I started automatically, then closed my mouth and opted to instead nod my head, I didn't yet trust my... voice; something so new and foreign and... natural. She raised an eyebrow at me, but didn't question my hesitation. "Are you going to run again?" Twilight asked me, flatly. I shook my head slowly, keeping my eyes on her as I took in the room, took in possible escape routes. Felt how comfortable the bed was and thought about how much I wanted to stay in it. "Do you have a name?" she asked finally. I hesitated. I did have a name. A name... what was my name? I stared down at my hooves, my eyes went out of focus as I dove into my own memories. The farm, the pasture, the other horses... and the others the... people? Everything was so basic, shapes, sounds, smells but... I could make sense of it, despite the different mind that had seen it. I nodded my head and looked at her, my mind still searching for that answer. "Well... what is your name?" She asked stepping towards me, she seemed concerned, did I look scared? I had a name, but what was it? Something at the tip of my tongue, at the back of my mind. A saddle on my back, a bit in my mouth, hands firm on the reins, a soft nudge in the side... 'Alright let's go-' "Maggie." The word left my mouth even as the thought finished in my head, I had a name, it was given to me by... them, and I could remember it, "My... name... is Maggie." Chapter 5Confessions of an Equine Chapter 5 My initial missteps were forgiven, it had seemed. Forgiveness was the order of the day, or maybe the almost-horses that I'd run into were just special like that. I couldn't yet know, I was too busy trying to make sense of my own head. Was it just a... dream? Another word that I shouldn't know, yet somehow was able to draw on when I needed it. Was this a blessing to be enjoyed? A curse when it was to be taken away? If it was taken away... would I have enough of this left to know what I was missing? "Maggie?" I jerked my head up, Twilight was talking to me, I'd drifted off. I wondered if she was getting tired of that. "Sorry," I replied, still unused to speaking. My voice was... well, if I had to compare it to anything, I'd compare it to Orange or Red, though none of the other almost-horses sounded quite like them, which made me wonder. "It's fine, I was asking if you'd like something to eat?" She asked. Bowls were floating in the air above her, her headspike was glowing with the same purple... fog, that the bowls were. It was... It was... 'Magic!' The word screamed in my head, like something talking directly into my mind, completely differently from before. I flinched like I'd been struck, blinked and shook my head, and looked up at her, "y-yes." Short words, simple words, words that are hard to screw up. Take it slow, don't look foolish. I then realized, I cared about looking foolish. This, whatever this was, was getting more complicated by the minute and showed no signs of stopping. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself, it just wouldn't do to get myself all spooked again. The bowl clinked against the table in front of me, sliced apples, something I knew even without that voice in the back of my head nagging me about it. 'and another word, great' I thought. I was beginning to develop a sarcastic streak. 'another... calm down Maggie... calm down' I sighed and closed my eyes, then lowered my head and bit into one of the apple slices. I hadn't remembered apples being that good; I needed little motivation to eat the entire bowl, and was well on my way to doing just that when I was interrupted by a soft coughing sound. I pulled my head out of the bowl and flicked my eyes up and toward the noise. Twilight looked less than pleased. "Were you raised in a barn?" she asked incredulously. I didn't immediately understand, although the word 'yes' had crossed my mind almost immediately. I looked back down at my bowl and realized what had upset her: I had made a substantial mess of the bowl, the table, and myself. I looked up at her sheepishly, she was unmoved. I was unsurprised. "Look, just... try to be more careful okay," she started, "what are we going to do with you?" It was a good question, what was she going to do with me. I wasn't like her, could she tell? Was she helping me because she couldn't tell or was she helping me because she could? I had always been the most comfortable in the herd and yet she was here, by herself. And then there was me, I supposed. But then what? I turned my head down and started eating again, calmly this time, taking care not to make a mess of things, or more of a mess than I had already. For the moment, I could put all of my fears aside and just enjoy the simple pleasures of food. ~~ Having put the meal behind me, I could focus on more important things, like not making a fool of myself, and not earning Twilight's ire. So far that had not been as successful as I'd have liked. I had learned that, unlike what is in small bowls, plants in pots were not meant as food. That, and an incident not suitable for being put into writing that nearly took place as a result of my unfamiliarity with plumbing. I don't believe I will ever live that one down. Which lead, somehow, to me sitting on a cushion staring into the open pages of a book. Little symbols and squiggly lines, I could make sense of none of it. It was supposed to have been a book on 'manners', something which I had apparently lacked, if Twilight's lamentations were anything to go by. "Well?" Twilight asked expectantly. I took my nose out of the incomprehensible scribbles and looked up at her with a blank look on my face. What was the best way to approach my total lack of comprehension of what she'd given me? I blinked at her, she frowned in reply. "You can't read that, can you?" She asked flatly. I looked back at the book, at the squiggles. There were some pictures, I could sort-of figure out what was going on in them, the nature of the writing still eluded me. "No," I said simply, softly. I felt my face heating up. 'Embarrassment.' I looked away from her disapproving eyes, as if ashamed by that failure. "Where do you come from?" she asked, I couldn't tell if she wanted an answer or was just asking it for the sake of voicing her thoughts. I wasn't sure I had an answer in either case. I kept my head hung low, I wanted to fit into whatever mold she'd envisioned for me, herd instinct if anything, and yet it was something I couldn't suppress. And I'd failed. I felt a hoof on my shoulder, turned my head to look Twilight in the eyes again. My eyes felt wet, she smiled. "If you can't read... then I'll just have to teach you. I'm sure we'll figure all of this out sooner or later, okay?" Would it be figured out? What was there to even figure out, less than a week before I'd been a mindless farm animal, a beast of burden and from there I'd become a shy illiterate among a herd of not-quite-horses that were obviously superior to me in every way, and yet... I felt a spark of something, I almost didn't have to search for the word, it was just there like a light in the darkness: Hope. Hope, for the future? That I'd blend in, fit in, find a new herd to call my own? That I'd find meaning in what had happened to me, how I'd changed? I wasn't sure, but... like it had been with Orange before, she said those words to me and I believed her, without question, without doubt. Was it a reflection of her own confidence in telling me or... was it just something inside of me that knew she wouldn't let me down? I decided, as my eyes dried, that for now, hope would be enough. Author's Note Here's another one, trying not to suck so, yeah that. Chapter 6Confessions of an Equine Chapter 6 I was unsure what I had done, or what higher power I had offended to deserve it, as I sat behind that rickety wooden desk in that small one room schoolhouse. Shame was a new feeling, and I was only vaguely aware of why I was feeling it, thoughts turned to being crammed into a desk clearly too small for me. Like I was too old or too grown to be there. I also questioned the need for the desk in the first place, it would have been easier to do... whatever it was we were going to do somewhere more comfortable. But It was Twlight's idea, and so that's what we did. I could have done without Twilight's idea, I could also have done without the shame. ...and the introspection, the inner conflict, and the headaches. "Maggie, are you listening?" I wasn't. "Yes," I lied. The other pony frowned. I could also have done without Cheerilee's disapproval. I added that to the list. I could have done without the list. I didn't add that to the list. "Maggie!" the pony yelled suddenly, my head jerked to face her. "You're still not listening," Cheerilee admonished, "I know this isn't the most interesting material but it's important for you to learn how to interact properly with other ponies." "Sorry." She sighed, "It's okay, I'm... just a little frustrated, let's call it a day for now." On that, she had my full support. I was, initially, almost excited about the prospect of learning, if not for learning's sake, then perhaps for the answers I might find. Hours in that small room behind that small desk, however, had taken their toll on my body and my mind. I could hear my joints pop and my spine crack as I stood out of the chair and stretched. It was a welcome change from the compressed misery and I was going to relish it. Relish; I was reminded of lunch that day, my stomach rumbled, I hadn't eaten in hours. That was as foreign a concept as any, being hungry. At any other time I'd have been grazing almost constantly with no real end, but since the change I'd had times of being hungry, times of being full, eating actually well defined meals. And Relish. I was definitely a fan. I had initially misunderstood the purpose of the substance as we sat around that round wooden table before 'class' had started, and Twilight had brought out a spread of various breads, jams, vegetables and... pickle relish. The smell drew my immediate attention, even as Twilight and Cheerliee chatted away about... something. I wasn't paying attention, my nose was guiding my attention, and my attention was had. The Jar was my prey, and I was the predator, my eyes locked onto the open lid and I advanced. Closer, closer, I stalked the unassuming little Jar, my nose inched closer... and my hooves sprang out, passing entire inches across the surface of the table, and The Jar was in my grasp. Twilight and Cheerilee stopped talking, their heads turned towards me- It was too late, my tongue shot past my lips and i scooped the entire contents of The Jar into my mouth. My mouth exploded in a cacophony of flavor, bitter yet sweet, crunchy: delicious. My eyes widened and my muscles went slack; this was good heaven. I scraped the rest of The Jar with my tongue and deposited the contents into my mouth; my only regret was that there wasn't more. I heard a plate clink, my eyes turned up. Twilight was staring at me, mouth agape, "That... is what I was talking about, Cheerilee." I blinked, confused as to what-- I blinked and shook my head, felt the softness on my face and took a step backwards, lost in my memory I'd walked directly into Twilight's flank. Her face was tinged red as she stared at me with a disbelieving look. "Maggie." I cringed, that tone spoke volumes by itself and how did I know that? She stared at me for a second, maybe two or three, and then closed her eyes and turned her head away. "Nevermind," she said. I felt like this was another one of those things I didn't get yet, like the relish, oh my the relish, or the toilets. Or the showers. Or table manners. Or... most everything. We started walking again and she kept looking over her shoulder, checking to see that I was paying attention. I was not; I was hungry. I wanted to stop, I wanted to smell the grass, smell the flowers and the trees! I wanted to eat them. I wanted to latch onto a chunk of some poor pony's lawn and force it down my throat-hole with reckless abandon. I wanted to dive into the flower bed and slide along it from a run and jump, scooping up all of the delicious little flowers in my mouth and filling myself with the delightful flavor of tulips. I shook my head, my imagination was getting away from me again, it seemed like that happened when ever I spent any time with the Pink One, and Twilight had been leaving me with her when Applejack wasn't available. I dared not even think her name, as though the mere act could summon her. I shuddered, while all of this was new and unnatural for me, I felt as though even by this measuring stick she was far above and beyond. She had even gone into song, and I felt some strange compulsion rise up in me to join in, though I was able to hold it back, if not from force of will, then from force of fear. It was not that I felt she meant me harm, I simply could not deal with her... other-ness. I caught myself licking my lips while thinking of the delicious food growing all around me. Twilight stopped again, I noticed because I was still staring intently at her flank. I wasn't about to run into her again. She looked at me in what I can only describe as abject horror. As clueless as I was, I wasn't that clueless, and the implications quickly entered my brain as my eyes shot wider, and then it happened; my savior. My stomach let out an unfathomably powerful gurgle to signal my hunger, and Twlight's expression shifted immediately. "Oh, are you hungry? I guess it has been a while since we've eaten anything," Twilight started, acting as though the previous five seconds had never taken place. For that I was grateful. "What do you want to eat?" I smiled, at least I think I did; facial expressions were still a little difficult. I mulled over all of the culinary possibilities, the various flavors and scents and textures I'd experienced, I thought hard about it. My choice, however, was a foregone conclusion. "Can we have relish?" Author's Note Look, I did some more! Chapter 7Confessions of an Equine Chapter 7 It was on a warm day in mid spring that I learned the value of being punctual and the consequences of a failure to be so. It was the day that I met Scootaloo. I'd been late arriving for my weekly session with Cheerilee the day before and we'd run out of time before we had covered everything that she'd wanted to go over. She had decided, and I had agreed, that we would meet the next day after her class and go over the few things we had missed; she didn't want me to be off schedule. Three weeks in with seven weeks left. Hopefully. If I did well and was lucky. I heard the ringing of a bell when I arrived alone at the school house. Twilight had suggested that I start making trips alone, to get used to being self sufficient. I'd guessed she decided that there wasn't much chance that I would run away again. I had been successfully suppressing that urge. The school doors burst open and I jumped back, startled by the loud noise of wood crashing into wood. I shook my head and forced down the urge to panic. 'It's just a door.' I told myself, but millions of years of instinct were not so easily content to give way to four weeks of upper brain. Twilight was rubbing off on me. My ears swiveled towards the doors while I was momentarily lost in thought. 'Stampede?' I thought as I heard the thunderous sound of hooves stomping into wood and then dirt. Foals, at least a dozen of them, were pouring out of the schoolhouse. My breath caught in my throat. I was unfamiliar with that feeling, like pain but not, and I wasn't even sure why. I swallowed the lump in my throat and walked around the stampede of tiny ponies and made my way for the still open door. I'd have to ask Cheerilee about it but first-- Orange. Purple. Wings! My thoughts went back to Pain and Blue and Rainbow. I still wasn't used to ponies with wings, it felt... wrong. Or I was projecting my fear of Rainbow Dash. Maybe it was both. I stepped across the threshold anyway and looked over the little pegasus filly. No, she seemed harmless enough. "Oh, Maggie!" Cheerliee said as she turned and looked over at me, "That's right I asked you to come today didn't I?" I nodded, "Yes." Talking was getting easier, but I still found myself sticking to small simple words around ponies I didn't know. This little filly was no exception. "Well... This is a little embarrassing, I'm actually going to be really busy all night and I don't have time to go over what I wanted to go over so we'll have to try again tomorrow," she explained with an expression on her face that I couldn't quite place. My ears fell along with the corners of my mouth. I was going to have to do this for an extra week now. "I understand." I said dejectedly as I turned to walk back out of the schoolhouse. I sighed, perhaps I could go visit Applejack or Red. I'd have to ask what his name actually-- "Well, wait." Cheerliee said. I turned around and she was smiling strangely, "You haven't been in ponyville that long, why don't you let Scootaloo show you around?" I blinked and looked between her and the filly in front of her. Blue eyes met purple. We both turned to look at Cheerilee, the same word on both of our lips. "What." ~~ The filly was... energetic. I didn't dislike that, to my great surprise. I had found that I generally preferred calmer environments but her enthusiasm was almost infectious. I smiled a little as she buzzed alongside me on her scooter. "And then the parade float went over the cliff!" Scootaloo finished as she looked over at me, her eyes drifted to my flank. "Hey... You don't have a cutie mark." "I don't." I replied with a nod, unsure of where she was going with it. Still, something in the back of my mind urged me to humor the little pegasus, wings or no. "Well aren't you curious about your special talent?" She asked me with a raised eyebrow. "Well..." I started, "Not really... but now that you mention it." I wondered why I hadn't thought of that before. "Well, you're colored kind of like a cow... maybe your special talent is milk?" She suggested helpfully while looking me over with appraising eye. I stopped walking and started at the little filly, "I... Don't think that's my special talent." "You're probably right," Scootaloo admitted, "Hmm... Well what are you good at?" I smiled, that was an easy simple answer, I turned to the filly with the grin plastered across my face, "Well... I'm pretty fast." Scootaloo smirked, "Prove it." She'd taken the bait; Hook, line, and sinker. "Try to keep up," I said simply. And then I was off like a shot, rocks kicked up as I launched with my back legs. I felt the wind in my mane and I was immediately in my element. I could hear the buzzing of the filly's wings next to me. She was fast. But I was faster. I leaned my head into the wind and pushed harder, cutting towards town as the buzzing fell further and further behind. I started to let up a little, last time I got carried away I ended up getting tackled by Rainbow Dash. Not that I thought I was going to end up in that situation a second time, I still felt the need for moderation. If for no other reason, I supposed, than to give the little filly something to-- The buzzing was back, right above me? I looked up and my eyes widened. Scootaloo was flying through the air above me, still on her scooter. Had she jumped off of something? She was passing me at a speed I didn't think possible and then... she hit the ground in front of me. I narrowed my eyes and pulled out all the stops. If she wanted to play hard ball, I'd play hard ball. We'd just hit the town square and suddenly the scooter started to wobble and she slowed down, the cobblestones were loose here for some reason. And then it happened, the scooter went sideways and she jumped off and to the side. "Oh no." I wasn't so lucky, my front legs got caught up in the wooden contraption and I went down hard. End over end I tumbled through the make-shift market. The world was spinning so fast that I couldn't make sense of anything I was seeing, I just knew that hitting the ground like that hurt, and I'd be lucky if I made it out of this without a broken leg. Or Four. I caught a flash of orange and I was peripherally aware of the scent of apples. 'Oh no, not that!' I thought, afraid that I was right in my fear of which stall I was about to crash into. I was fast, and fast took a lot of time to stop, time I didn't have. I hit the wooden planks and my world exploded into fresh new pain and the overpowering scent of apples and sugar. "Maggie?! What in the world is goin on here?" the voice yelled in alarm. I opened my eyes, unsure of when I'd closed them, and looked up while laying on my back in the middle of what used to be Applejack's applecart. I raised my hoof weakly and pointed in the direction I came, "Scootaloo happened." She did not look amused, "You know, I think y'all are gonna clean this up... and I could use a little help in the orchards come ta think of it. Thanks for volunteerin'." ~~ 'Today I learned not to let small orange fillies goad you into acting irresponsibly,' I thought to myself as I kicked another tree. I was rewarded with the sound of falling apples. It was just as well that Applejack had me doing this; I needed to work off the aggression. Aggression was definitely a new concept for me. I didn't remember ever being legitimately angry before. I wasn't even angry with Scootaloo, she was just being... a filly. And I wasn't any better, I was angry at myself. "I'm real sorry about getting you in trouble like that Miss Maggie." The filly said as she picked up an apple and put it into the bag I was wearing. I'm not sure it would have been possible for her ears to go down any further. She was... cute. And like that, the negative feelings evaporated. It wasn't like I had anything better going on anyway right? And for some reason I found myself drawn to the little filly, in an almost mo-- I stopped moving. "Miss Maggie, you alright?" I looked down at the little filly and in her place an entirely different pony stood, just for a second, until I blinked her away. How could I have forgotten? I couldn't even remember her name but, that feeling... I didn't need to ask Cheerilee why anymore, I knew. I knew what had bothered me and I suspected at why I found Scootaloo so appealing. I knew what I'd left behind. Left back in that other world... Left with the wolves and I could only hope that the other horses had been able to do what I didn't... I'd had a foal... and I'd left her behind. Author's Note So this thing took a turn I wasn't entirely expecting it to take for sure, changed the tone a little bit but it's given me a direction to work for. I'd say expect semi-frequent updates but I don't want to write checks I can't cash. While you're at it, give this a look. Chapter 8Confessions of an Equine Chapter 8 Keeper, or Caretaker, Friend, Owner? The words drifted through my mind as I thought back to those thin wisps of memory. There was a word for the relationship between horse and rider, there was... a feeling that I tried to grasp at, something that would make me feel better. Something that would tell me that, in that place I'd come from, that the one I'd left behind was alright, that she was being treated well, that she was happy... or as happy as she could be. Part of it was agonizing, knowing that she couldn't be like I was, couldn't experience things that way I could, that she hadn't become more. Part of it was shame, that I'd run instead of fought, that I'd left her to the wolves while I'd run and run and... been rewarded with this. The shame, the guilt the... friendship. I couldn't even remember her face, and here I was with a bunch of ponies who actually cared and wanted to help and... I felt like i didn't deserve any of it. "I awoke on the roadside, in the land of the free ride, and I can't pull it any longer..." I softly sang to myself, the words coming from... somewhere else, a memory, of a life long past... "Miss Maggie?" I blinked my eyes and shook my head. I was forgetting the other half of my penance, Twilight had been... Creative. That was the word for it; to repay my indiscretions I was going to be spending time with Scootaloo, and to that end, her friends. All... two of them. I couldn't judge, it was more than I'd had until... how long had it been? "Yes?" I asked finally as I looked down to the filly. "You've been just staring into space for like ten minutes, are you okay?" I nodded my head, "Sorry I was... Just thinking. I've been doing a lot of that lately." I was supposed to be spending time with her, not feeling sorry for myself and I was even screwing that up. I was not being a very good pony. Or for that matter a good friend. That is what I was supposed to be doing after all: Making friends. ...and fitting in, and being a Good Pony, and making my way. I'd come a long way in... not even months. I was making friends, making my own way, working even! Although... I'd been press-ganged into that, and if I didn't see an apple tree again for a few months I'd be alright. And I was ignoring Scootaloo again. I shook my head, I'd been doing that a lot lately, and looked in the immediate area for the little pegasus. My ears swiveled, I heard hoofsteps but the cadence was off. One-two-three-two-three-one-two-- it wasn't one pony. One-two-three-four. One-two-three-four. One-two-three-four. Twelve. I turned my head, my ears snapped up, my heart sank. Scootaloo was a fine, a joy even. Applebloom was equally pleasant to be around, and Sweetie Belle was a charming little filly. But... The three of them together? I'd heard stories. Stories about things and stuff and the real reason the mayor's mane was gray! Granted, that was only rumor, but I still had a legitimate fear. My mane was already white though, so maybe I was being ridiculous after all. I steeled myself against the probable calamity I was sure to endure and opened my mouth, "Hello... girls." "Hey Miss Maggie, are you busy?" Sweetie Belle asked me with... the widest eyes. I blinked. "No, just... standing here with Scootaloo..." I ventured cautiously, "Why?" "Well, Applejack said we needed 'Adult Supervision'," Applebloom started, putting special emphasis on the words, "and... well you're an adult... and Scootaloo is already with you... so we were wonderin' if you could help us!" 'Well that's not too bad' I thought privately while I stared down at the little pony. I sighed, 'I'm going to regret this...' "Okay." I said finally. The three little ponies' eyes lit up with glee and they grinned, "Cutie Mark Crusaders: Mane Stylists, yay!" 'I immediately regret this decision.' I wanted to tell them no, that I'd changed my mind, that I had other plans, anything to get myself out of it but... I was a sucker for that gleeful look on their face, and I imagined I wasn't the only victim to that either. ~~ I was not a vain pony, far from it, even then I could hardly care about appearances--they just weren't important. But, as that mirror hovered in front of my face I couldn't even begin to suppress my despair. All of the hushed tones and uncomfortable glances I'd seen directed at those three made sense, fully and completely in a way that struck home more firmly than I could have ever imagined. A... head... covering? The word was on the tip of my tongue, the thing on Oran--Applejack's head. A hat, that's what I needed. A distraction, something to draw attention away from... I didn't want to think about it anymore. The girls stared at me expectantly at me, and I was at a complete loss for words. My tongue worked over my lips as I struggled for the words. I wasn't the most 'with it' pony, but I knew enough even then not to be too harsh on them, they were just children. Although in a way, I imagine I wasn't much different. Age and experience I had, long term interaction I... had less of. I gave them an expressionless stare while my brain worked desperately for some way to get out of the situation without upsetting them, and I was coming up empty. I watched in growing apprehension as their expressions went slowly from ones of glee to one more fitting of watching their plan go horribly, horribly, wrong. My eyes snapped back and forth between them, Scootaloo started to eyeball the door, Sweetie's eyes were glued to the floor, Applebloom was... I wasn't sure, I couldn't figure out what she was thinking. I heard the sound of bells in the distance, four chimes. Four in the afternoon, that's what Twilight said the chimes meant. An excuse! "Girls I... Have to... Go. Purp--Twilight needs me... for... things," I ground out awkwardly as I turned and ran for the door. I heard their voices behind me as I fled, but I was committed to avoiding anymore awkwardness, no matter how much of a fool I had to make of myself in the process. I cleared the threshold of their tree house and ran straight off the end of the ramp. My hooves hit the dirt and I took off like a shot, maybe if I ran fast enough no one would notice. Twilight's home was in the middle of town, but that wasn't my destination. Getting out of the clubhouse had given me a moment to think, and I knew what I had to do. It took a few minutes before my hooves finally touched the cobblestone road leading away from the farm, and that's when I pushed myself harder. Time was of the essence, the longer I was out in public, the greater my exposure would be, and there was only one pony that could save me. I could see the roof of my destination after only a hundred or so paces down the road, the sound of my hooves clacking against the ground was almost deafening, my muscles ached and my lungs burned, but still I pushed. Some things were just worth it. This... may have not been one of those things, but at the moment, I didn't care. Houses and shops went past in a blur, my eyes locked in on my target, I adjusted course. The door was open, I jumped over the fence, angled up the sidewalk, and shot past the threshold. My hooves hit a smooth hardwood floor and I slid, nearly falling over as I passed from the prying eyes of a public setting into the relative safety of my destination. "Maggie, what in Equestria..?" The voice asked. I turned, Rarity was here. Salvation! I shook the sweat from my eyes and felt my ragged mane brush against my neck. I looked at her with pleading eyes. "Sweetie... Scootaloo... Applebloom..." I panted out, gesturing at my head with a forehoof. Recognition and mounting horror were painted on the unicorn's face, I watched her eyes widen and her pupils dilate. I should have known she'd take it worse than I did, but if she was taking it this badly then perhaps I wasn't over-reacting after all. "Please help." Author's Note Try to be quicker on the next chapter, I'll end it on this cliffhanger if only so I don't leave you till mid next year without an update. While you're waiting, check out some of my other stories, like The Equestrian Hitcher Chapter 9Confessions of an Equine Chapter 9 The first professional mane styling I'd ever had was a far cry from the treatment I'd gotten from the girls, though it was lacking somewhat in their enthusiasm, it certainly made up for it in quality. Not that I was a stylish pony, I was no Rarity, nay, not even a Twilight; I still knew what a terrible manecut was. Maybe, since even I knew it was terrible, that must have really meant something to the talent those girls had for wrecking it in the first place. Not that there was much to save after they'd had their way, the stallion running the hair salon (and he had a strange inflection to his voice...) did what he could; he called it a 'pixie' cut. I was actually kind of fond of it, it was a far cry from the long locks I'd had before but it felt right when I saw it. Any distraction was a welcome one though, and I took that in stride. "Maggie, you mustn't let them coerce you into such things. You are the adult here, you should... be more assertive with children, otherwise, at least those three, will try to get away with whatever they think they can!" Rarity said to me from across the table. I poked at my 'hay fries' with a hoof, shifting them around my plate. I understood her, perfectly even, but I didn't feel like the adult in this situation. I felt like a lost foal, to be honest. I felt like I had more in common with the children than I did with the ones who were presumably my age. On that topic, I wasn't even sure how old I actually was. Time seemed.. different here, or my perception of it anyway. Before, in that old life, my perception of time was more or less the moment I currently occupied, and the time immediately preceding that moment. "I... know what you mean... But it's not easy for me to be like that. This is all still so new for me," I explained, picking delicately at the pile of fries, separating them out by size. 'It's also not easy now that I remember what I left behind...' I kept that last thought to myself. I looked up from the plate, our eyes met, and I felt like even though it was left unspoken, she knew what I'd been thinking anyway. Sneaky perceptive unicorn. She extended her hoof across the table and touched it to mine, and smiled. Further words between us were left unsaid, that one simple action told me enough. I wasn't alone, either here in this new world or... with the way I was feeling. There was a sadness in her eyes, just a hint of sadness, like she'd spent years burying it deep inside, building a wall around her feelings. But in this moment, that wall cracked and her true feelings came out, for just a moment. When we finally broke contact, I was left with one question on my mind: when had I become that perceptive? ~~ We'd parted ways after leaving the diner. She had to watch her sister, I'd needed time to myself. I'd wandered the town lost in thought, thinking on what I was going to do with my life. I was effectively a child in an adult's world. I was doing better each day, fitting in better, figuring out these new social constructs and yet I had as much knowledge of this world as a newborn foal. I knew of schools, knew enough of them to know that it was something necessary and something I was lacking. I didn't have the experience of growing up with friends in this world... Even if I had them now. I shook the thoughts from my head and found myself standing in the park, my thoughts drifted back to that foal... My foal. I felt the heartache I'd felt when I'd first remembered; such a short time hadn't been enough to dampen that pain, even if I'd gotten used to feeling it. "No matter where we go, or even if we don't," I softly sang, the words coming again from my memory, my memory of before. I grasped onto it, the sentiment different... but in this situation it felt like it still fit. I tried so hard to remember that face... "and even if they try, they'll never take my body from your side..." I turned my head to the sky, looked at the sun so high above. Princess Celestia moved it through the sky, they'd said. Powerful enough to do that with her magic, she had to be incredible. An Idea began to form in my mind, if she was that powerful, if she had that much magic... maybe she could help me. Maybe she could find where I came from, maybe she could send me back, just for a little while, to see her... to bring her back! I felt a tear drip down my cheek, that face finally cleared up in my mind. I remembered what my foal looked like, and I knew that no matter what happened, I'd go as far as I had to, I'd see that face again. "Love don't die." Author's Note Sorry to leave you all hanging so long, writing has been a bit... difficult as of late. I've not forgotten you, and I hope to have more out soon to make up for how short this entry was. Chapter 10Confessions of an Equine Chapter 10 'Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.' A valid notion, and yet... I had to wonder, was it something I could achieve? Was I even worthy of the help of those great souls around me? The more time I spent in this world, the more I learned, the more I realized how exceptional my new friends were. I'd known, even early on that they were special, but it was only after I truly began to understand this world that I knew how much. The great deeds they had performed, the lives they had saved, the lives they had mended. Faced with that, how could I expect to be important enough to help? How I could I even pretend to be important enough to occupy the time of those who toppled giants and vanquished demons? But then I was just overwhelmed by all of it. It wasn't that I was an unworthy cause, to their eyes. But to my own, everything that I had know, had been, paled in comparison to what they had done in any given day, to say nothing of what they'd done when lives were on the line. And I? I was a horse. I was, better, now, than I had been, even when they'd found me, after I got here... I guess my real problem was that I felt like I was wasting their time, like I was doing something, just by being here, that was stopping them from doing the things that made them great, made their peers love them, made the world respect them. Because I was a horse. But not really. Not anymore, it was something I was telling myself despite all the evidence I'd seen to the contrary. It was something I was telling myself so that I could justify not asking for help, to go back and get her and bring her back with me. Because I was afraid. I sighed, paced back and forth along the bottom floor of the library. Afraid, fear, terror. Words. Words for feelings of which I was intimately familiar, even before. Especially before. I was afraid of going back. I was afraid of turning back into what I was, forgetting what happened here. Afraid she wouldn't come with me. Afraid she wouldn't change like I did. I was afraid, if I asked for help, they would say no. I was even more afraid that they would say yes. And yet, deep down, I feared that they would say yes, and leave me behind. I was little more than a child in their eyes, even if they tried to include me in less childish pursuits. I was the feral child who made it to adulthood, I was an enigma. They must have thought I was mentally handicapped. Maybe they were right, or maybe It was just all the concepts I had swirling around my head didn't have an outlet that I could share with them. Locked into my own mind, but not. No, enough got through, I was normal enough but not normal enough, all at once. Just a little bit-- "Maggie?" Twilight said suddenly from behind me. She must have heard me pacing a smooth spot into the wooden floor of her home, "You alright? You're kinda wearing out my floor there." I imagined she smiling, but it was that kind of smile you reserve for the intoxicated, the senile, or the young. At least my paranoid frame of mind made it seem like that. I flinched and stopped walking, turned to face her. Her eyebrow was raised and her head was tilted, smirk no-where in sight. Just being paranoid. Was it something I could ask her to do? Could I just... explain it, from the beginning? "Twilight, I..." I started, frowned, and started pacing again. "when you... found me... I am not, I was not..." I struggled, trying to think of the right words to use. I heard the soft beat of her footsteps, felt her forehoof on my shoulder, and a caring smile on her face. She nodded, I sat. "I don't think I am from here. Not... from equestria... no," I struggled for the word, "Not from this... planet? no, world! I am from... Where I am from we don't talk, or think." I winced, thinking back on that time, and how I was right after, "we don't... do this, we are... less. Our lives are small, eat, walk, run, breed." I could sense her blush against my neck, she'd started to hug me at some point, I blinked away tears I didn't know I had been shedding, shook my head a little, and took a step back. "I have... I had..." I took a deep breath as the words refused to come out, I closed my eyes and then opened them again, "Where I came from, that place... I had a foal. I have... a daughter." The dam broke, the hard part was over, I grit my teeth and took a step forward, do or die, now or never. Say it maggie! "I want to go back and get her." Twilight stayed frozen in front of me, her lips frozen as the full weight of what I said hit her, I could see in her eyes the doubt, the rejection. She wasn't going to help me, she was... going to understand me for the freak that I was, finally. Not a child, not an adult, just defective, just-- "Okay. We... Yeah, we'll find a way Maggie, all of us. I'll get the girls together, send a few letters. We'll figure this out, we'll get her back for you..." She trailed off at the end, her comforting smile started to slip as she looked away, "nobody should have to be alone." Author's Note We are approaching a time when things happen. Chapter 11There would come a time, before it was all over, that I would look back on the early days, the time spent without a care, and envy them. A burden I was learning to come to terms with, the burden of knowledge. I was imperfect, not like the others, but I was becoming like them, more than I could have imagined. Twilight had offered to help me, when I'd finally broken down, finally told her the truth about my past, what I'd remembered. She'd offered to help me, and offered the help of anyone else she could muster, to figure out this task. To take us all back to the world I'd come from, to find her, to bring her here with me. It gave me a sense of belonging, when she said that, all the fears, the self depreciating 'truths' I'd been rolling around in my head seemed to evaporate all at once. I was part of this group, maybe I wasn't an important part, maybe I wasn't a powerful part, or a talented, effective part of the group. I'd heard the stories of what they'd done... But they had accepted me in as one of their own. Like a family? Maybe. But more than a sense of belonging, I was given a sense of purpose. I had a goal, Twilight was working on a plan, and we were going to make this happen, find my child, bring her back. We'd be together again, and I had to wonder what she'd be like? Would she be an energetic troublemaker? A book worm? An athlete? Would she be as confused as me? I shook my head, no. She'd have friends to help her, my friends, the ponies that had looked out for me since I'd gotten here, helped me when they had no reason to other than their own good natures. I couldn't have asked for a better group to help me through this trial. I took in a deep breath, it was the smell of fresh air, flowers on the breeze. It was the taste of freedom... and, I licked my lips, the taste of something cooking. Thick sugary, almost... peppermint. That was the flavor I was detecting on the air. I quite liked peppermint. Clip, clop. Clip, clop. My hooves clicked across the wooden floor, my body led by my nose and tongue towards that most pleasant aroma. The kitchen wasn't far, just the other side of the library and then-- The Pink One, perched precariously over a pot. I licked my bottom lip unconsciously. Culinary pursuits awaited, preferably sooner than later I would have whatever was inside of that pink pony's pot inside of my body. Oh yes. "Hi Maggie! How are you doing today? I'm making candy because I thought 'you know i bet Maggie would like some candy' and then I decided to come over and make some candy because candy makes you feel better and that's just the best thing, right?" The Pink One said to me. I felt my ear twitch. No, she was nice, she was trying to be nice, she was very friendly, just energetic. The foals hadn't broken me, This One would not either. Plus, you know, peppermint. I nonchalantly proceeded into the kitchen, taking careful effort to give the illusion of being aloof. "Well I am... okay. That sure smells like..."I sucked on my lip and tried not to salivate too much, "peppermint." "Oh yeah! Peppermint is the best! Well, so is lemon, and orange, apple, banana, mint, chocolate... Well really anything sweet is the best. you know?" She asked me with a grin that... almost made me wonder how a mouth could become quite so large. It was almost predatory-- No, peppermint. She has the peppermint. Aloof mode failed. "I would like the peppermint candy," I asked while nearly rubbing my lip raw with my tongue. A mare has needs. I hadn't the time nor inclination to react; she'd fired the candy into my mouth via means-unknown. Cold sharp sweet peppermint flooded my senses, cleared my nose. Zero to eleven. Crunch, crunch, crunch couldn't, wouldn't, didn't want to resist chewing and swallowing my guilty pleasure. There'd been little I'd cared for, so long ago. Little that held much sway but when it came to peppermint candies there was little I wouldn't do. Candy was the pleasant, if forced, distraction, the short circuit in any planning I might have attempted. Another candy clicked against my tooth and found purchase on the top of the tip of my tongue and sensory overload repeated anew. Something about The Pink One's iteration of the peppermint candy was somehow entirely more than it had any right. Such was true of her as well. Perhaps the most difficult adaptation of my new life, she broke rules that seemed set in stone for any other being alive, even in such a fantastical place as this. A place where even I could find myself with intellect. Perhaps, she, more than anyone else, would prove critical to the plan. At the very least... At the very least, she'd provide ample peppermint respite.
Chapter 1Confessions of an Equine Chapter 1 You have a certain perspective when you look back on the past, or more specifically, your past self. The you before you knew yourself. You might look back and wonder how you were ever so clueless, how, on reflection, you can't comprehend how you were ever less than you are. Then again, you might not. But I do; that's what happens when you've been through what I have. I'm not saying it's anything bad, if anything it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I can remember what life would be like if it hadn't happened, and the idea that if it hadn't I wouldn't have cared frightens me sometimes, perhaps more than it should. I worry that I'll wake up from this dream and everything will be like it was before, that I'll never have met the friends I've made, that I'll be that poor simple fool living on that farm in the ass end of nowhere, blissfully ignorant of what I was missing. But I'm getting ahead of myself, so I'll start at the beginning. My name is Maggie, and I'm a pony. You probably already knew that part, you're reading this after all, but the part you didn't know, the part that very few ponies know, is that 'Maggie' is a nickname. My full name is Magic Magnolia Jet Bar, and I was born on Earth, in Wyoming. Before I came here I was... less than I am now, the memories I have of that time scare me more than I'd like to admit, the memories I have as a sentient being, remembering when I wasn't. Often, I find that my thoughts come back to that December morning, the day that I... woke up. ~~ The day began, like most days, with a feeding. Two flakes of alfalfa, a scoop and a half of grain, the occasional licorice treat. Standard. Routine. Normal. Later, we were herded out into the pasture, free to graze, to run, to sleep. Free to be horses. That was my favorite part of the day, out in the sunlight, listening to the snow crunch under my hooves, not that I could truly appreciate such things... at the time. The wolf pack burst out of the treeline faster than I could react and they split up into the herd, trying to separate the foals from the mares. I felt a nip at my fetlock and fired my back leg like an over-wound spring, felt the shock travel up my leg, heard the splintering of... wood? Some part of me was confused by that, right up until the second wolf snapped at my leg. I panicked a blind unreasoning panic and I ran. The fence broke like dried twigs when I crashed into it, I broke through into the woods, branches and leaves scratched and cut at my face and legs. I didn't feel it, panic was driving me, fear was fueling me, blind panic was guiding me. There was a light in the woods, almost blinding, rippling. It called to me, drew me in. It exuded safety and warmth. I ran towards it, my hooves started to chip as I galloped across the rocks. I tripped. My hoof caught a seam in the rocks, if felt my leg snap, and I fell. My shoulder hit first, my head hit the rocks a second later; my teeth crashed together violently and I closed my eyes. Momentum carried me over and I rolled against the jagged rocks, felt another leg snap, felt the sharp edges digging into my hide. I felt the light beating down on me, felt myself pass through it... and then I felt burning, tearing at my flesh. I'd failed, the wolves had me. For as much as I could have understood it, I knew it was over. Sound faded away, feeling faded away... and I faded away. When I woke up I was surprised to be alive, surprised to be in as little pain as I was. I was surprised that thoughts had crossed my mind at all. It was as if a fog I was never aware of had been lifted from my mind. It was a strange feeling, hard to convey in words. Startling comes to mind, startling to be disturbed by thoughts you previously lacked the capacity to have, and even worse that you've the ability to be startled by them in the first place; Like your first breath of air after nearly drowning, except you never knew you were drowning in the first place. Terrifying is another word. There had been wolves trying to eat me, trying to eat my herd. I opened my eyes, the perspective was... off, like my eyes were in the wrong place. My vision to the sides was greatly reduced, everything in front of me was much clearer. I blinked. There was water in front of me, a small pond. I started to get up, my legs stung with sudden pain, but they held my weight. Walking felt different as I limped to the water's edge. In retrospect I'm not sure how I was able to move at all, but perhaps it was instinct overriding shock. I took a drink of the cool water. My mouth felt different, the position was wrong, but close enough to what I'd remembered that drinking wasn't too much of a problem. I stretched out a little after quenching my thirst. When I opened my eyes afterwards I spotted movement under me and looked down immediately. A Face was staring back at me from the surface of the water. I moved my head to the left, it followed me to the left; Moved my head to the right,it followed me to the right. Something compelled me to look closer and I lowered my head to the surface of the water again, closer, closer. My mouth touched the water, the Face touched me... and it was just the water. I pulled my head back, poked at the water with my right front hoof, saw my hoof touch the water, just as the hoof on the surface of the water touched it. A reflection. If the hoof in the water was my hoof... The Face must have been... me. My eyes opened wide in realization and I reared back, my hind legs gave out, and I found myself sitting directly on my flank, staring out at the surface of the pond. I sat there for what seemed like hours, trying to process everything, trying to figure out what had happened to me, trying to figure out why I was even capable of having that kind of thought. I shook my head and turned away from the pond and started walking, not sure what I was looking for, but feeling a need to look all the same. If I'd known what I was in for as I walked towards the rising sun... I guess I wouldn't have changed a thing.
Chapter 2Confessions of an Equine Chapter 2 Running for your life twice in one day isn't something that anyone should have to go through, least of all someone in the middle of an existential crisis and suffering from leg injuries. Needless to say, I was doing just that. Sweat slicked my coat down to my skin as I tore through the forest, flight instincts again over-rode all, pain fell to the wayside to make way for deep-seated animalistic fear. I was making a habit out of panicking. Still, I was getting exercise in, some part of me was deeply pleased to finally have a chance to open up and run, something I hadn't much occasion to do for any distance within the confines of the pasture. My mouth was open, I was... making noises, unfamiliar noises. I was screaming, the word rose to the front of my mind, some memory from long before, from the pasture... I shook my head, I could hear the wolves behind me, smell them. They'd come back from where I'd come from, chased me from the pond, chased me towards the rising sun. There was a break in the trees, I leaped through the gap and onto a cleared path through the forest, cobblestones clinked under my hooves as I leaned in and pushed myself harder. I was terrified out of my mind, injured, hungry... and I'd never felt more alive. The wolves sped up, trying to catch me. They were fast, but I could knock a hole in the wind. I lowered my head and gave it everything I had left, just like those times under the bright lights, just me and three barrels... only this time there was no rider. In front of me the path elevated and there were two stone walls on either side. A bridge. The word entered my mind, another memory, I'd heard it spoken before, only now did everything connect. I cleared the bridge in only a few bounds, the wolves were falling behind, I heard noises ahead. I pulled my head up, slowed my sprint. Voices were ahead of me. The rush was wearing off, the pain was coming back. I pressed on towards the Voices as a limp asserted itself into my gait. I crossed out of the forest, into the wide open. I saw fences, recognized pastures. The Voices were near. My ears pivoted around, homing in on the sounds, I turned my head. They were like the Face in the water. Whatever I was, they surely were the same. The Red one, the Orange one. Red looked in my direction first, Orange followed suit. Red was chewing on straw, Orange had an oddly familiar hat. They both started towards me, were making noises, words, I realized. I couldn't make it out, the rush was leaving me, fatigue and pain were setting in. But it was okay, Red and Orange were like me, they were a herd, if only a herd of two. Safety in the herd. I closed my eyes and let gravity take me, I hadn't the strength or will left to fight it. ~~ When I opened my eyes again I was laying down on something soft, much softer than anything I had ever laid on before. Something was on top of me, I kicked out my legs and was immediately tangled up and started to roll. I was falling, and then I wasn't. I hit the ground with a thud and jolted myself fully awake. My legs were tangled up in a sheet of fabric. I heard hooves clopping against wood, approaching me rapidly, I struggled with the sheet, thrashed wildly on the floor, trying to kick it off of me. A click, the door opened, Red was standing over me. He leaned down, bit the corner of the sheet and pulled. I flopped out of it and leaped to my hooves and scrambled backwards up against the wall of the room I'd found myself in. Red looked surprised, though by what I didn't know. "Miss... are ya alright?" He asked me. My eyes widened. He'd spoken, I'd understood him. Was that something I could do as well? The Handlers were the only ones who could talk, and I'd never really understood them, not really, but this... I looked down at the floor, opened my mouth, "ahh... hnnnf..." the sounds felt foreign in my mouth, the sounds wouldn't come out like I wanted them to. My eyes darted side to side, I heard more hooves, was it Orange? Red stepped closer, he didn't have the stick of straw in his mouth anymore. "Miss...?" He looked troubled. I felt troubled, so we had that in common. I couldn't step back any more, my flank was against the wall. Orange poked her head into the door. I bit my lip, looked up at her, "Ahhfuhh..." I tried. I was getting closer to the word, could she tell what I was feeling? Could he see the panic on my face? The more I thought about things, the more my panic built. Red looked at Orange, she looked back at him. My ears pivoted around, listening for anything else approaching. Flight response was starting to take hold of me again. I fought back against it. "Affraaayy..." I was getting better at forming the sounds, still not quite there though. I closed my eyes and tried to force myself to relax. Instinct was fighting with intellect, neither was willing to give even an inch of ground. I opened my eyes again to see Orange stepping closer. She took her hat off with her front hooves, I was mystified that she was able to bend her legs that way, and she stepped closer. "Are... ya alright?" she asked me. Her face looked kind. I looked up into her eyes, "a... afraid." I'd done it, spoken. The first word of my life. Panic started to set in again, what was happening to me? Was this even real? Orange's face fell, she stepped in close to me, I didn't stop her. She put her hoof on my back, the contact was... vaguely familiar. "We'll figure what ever this out, yer gonna be okay, alright?" To my surprise, I felt a little better and when I looked in her eyes I believed her.
Chapter 3Confessions of an Equine Chapter 3 I was expected to eat it, I imagined as I looked down in the bowl of steaming... something. It was brown, but in a non-uniform fashion, lighter and darker areas pervaded the semi-solid substance. The smell was not unpleasant. Red was watching me, Orange had said something to him before she left, though I hadn't heard it. If anything, I imagined it was something along the lines of 'keep an eye on her' though I couldn't be sure. Still, I wasn't particularly bothered by it; I wasn't too keen on being alone. Red seemed bothered that I wasn't eating it. I wasn't averse to the food, I was just unsure as to how I was supposed to eat it. There was a handle sticking out of the bowl. Something deep in the back of my mind told me I was supposed to use it to eat with it. "Do ya not like oatmeal?" Red asked me. He still had that troubled look. So it was oatmeal. I'd remembered oats, they were dry and cold, not moist and warm. I shifted a little on the bed and the bowl tipped slightly, as if threatening to spill its contents onto the sheets. I grabbed it with my front hooves, the movement felt both foreign and natural at once. I pushed those thoughts out of my mind. I dipped my head towards the bowl, I could feel Red's eyes boring into me. At least, I thought I could. I took a bite. It was delicious, to put it simply. The flavor of oats was easily recognizable but there was more, sweetness, and a hint of... spice. I felt the corners of my mouth curl up. 'A smile', the thought entered my mind unbidden. Still, I was hungry, I felt like I hadn't eaten in ages, and so I took a second bite, and a third, and a fourth. The bowl was empty before I was completely satisfied but it couldn't be helped. My ears swiveled around as the distance sound of hoofsteps on wood echoed into the room, I lifted my head from the bowl and turned to the door, Red was already looking. Orange was on her way down the hall, I recognized her voice, but there was also a second set of steps following behind. "Twi, I don't know where she came from but... well you take a look at 'er," Orange said as she appeared in the doorway. I caught a flash of purple. Two stepped into the room. Lavender, not quite purple, I was wrong. Lavender had a spike sticking out of her head, I wasn't sure why that was, but it made me a little nervous. She looked at me, we locked eyes. I saw... I thought I may have seen recognition. Her head-spike was enveloped in a purple glow; a pencil and a pad of paper floated out of...somewhere, and hovered in front of her. 'Nope.' I launched myself backwards off the bed, all four hooves in the air for a moment before I felt the hard wood floor under me, and I backpedaled right up against the wall, my eyes locked on the floating pad. Red, Orange, and Lavender stared at me in mute shock; I heard the pencil hit the floor. "Miss... are you alright?" Lavender asked. I shook my head. Of course I wasn't alright, she'd just... done something with otherworldly powers. She was talking. A talking horse, but not quite a horse... just different enough to be... disturbing. And I was the same. I sighed, I shouldn't have been worrying about that kind of thing, shouldn't have been able to worry about that kind of thing, but there I was, cowering in the corner like a foal because of a little... otherworldly magic. I wanted to answer her, wanted to tell her... something, but the words wouldn't come to mind, wouldn't have come out of my mouth even if they had. Red and Orange split up and walked to opposite corners of the room on the side away from me, Lavender came up the middle. 'They mean to herd me.' The thought sprung up into my mind. Fight or Flight, now or never. My body was bunched up like a coiled spring. The door was unguarded, Lavender's head-spike lit up with that soft purple glow. I kicked off the wall and launched myself over the bed in a single leap. Lavender followed my path with her eyes, I recognized shock on her face. I crossed the threshold, sunlight was pouring in at the end of the tunnel. I lowered my head and charged, a burst of acceleration. I could hear the hoofclops on the wooden floor behind me, could hear Red, Orange, and Lavender shouting at me, I didn't care, the wind was in my mane, I was out the door, out of the house. I was in the sun, the dirt beneath my hooves. I was out in the world again, the sky above me, ground below. I charged down the path with reckless abandon, let them try to catch me. I saw two more of the not-quite-horses in front of me, my mind assigned them as Mint and Cream. They looked at me in what I knew to be confusion as I sprinted past. I caught a flash of orange in the corner of my eye. It was Orange, she had caught up, was running alongside me. I saw rope in her mouth. 'Not today.' She might have been fast, had to be to have caught up, but this was in my blood, I was born to run. I let out something resembling a laugh as I lowered my head and pushed harder, started pulling away from my pursuer. The path changed abruptly, from dirt to rock. Bricks. I started to slip, the world spun around in a blur as my momentum carried me off of my hooves. I felt the ground slip from under me and felt my hide hit the road. I rolled, end over end, flashes of Red and Orange and green and blue and white and yellow. I slid to a stop and shook the daze from my head, I was sore but... not out of the woods yet, shoved myself back onto my hooves. I was surrounded, the not-quite-horses were on all sides, all colors, some with wings, some with head-spikes, some like Red and Orange and Cream. Buildings surrounded me, carts with wheels covered in vegetables, fruits, grains... Lavender appeared in front of me in a flash of light, I snorted and lowered my head. Running hadn't worked, I was fast but I was hurt. Still, If flight wouldn't work, that still left fight. I pawed at the brick with my front hoof, stared down Lavender, even as Red and Orange pushed through the herd to stand next to her. And then I charged.
Chapter 4Confessions of an Equine Chapter 4 I didn't see it coming, couldn't have seen it. I felt it, the world turned sideways in an instant; I was on my back looking up into red-pink eyes. Cyan-Rainbow. My mind processed quickly as I assigned a name to this... winged-almost-horse. She looked angry, confused. I was terrified, pinned under a obviously angry mare, and injured, if only superficially. It hurt. It had come to that point: You have to make a choice, you keep pushing through, fighting till you've got nothing left... or you can give up, let what's going to happen happen. I looked up at Rainbow, and turned my head towards Lavender, Red, and Orange. Instinct was screaming in one ear, rationality in the other, and somewhere in the middle I made my choice: I gave up; Dropped slack to the cobblestone and relaxed. Whatever it was they had planned, I had to just wait and see. Everything was becoming increasingly clear, thoughts, sights, sounds, feelings. The fog that had lifted when I'd first woken up had apparently not been all of it, as I was thinking with an increasing clarity with every passing moment, as if I was still changing, like I'd woken up too soon from whatever had been happening by that pond. I felt something touch my shoulder, not a strike like I'd been expecting, more gentle. 'Concerned', the word entered my mind. I lifted my head and turned and saw Rainbow gently prodding my shoulder with her hoof, the fire and fight was gone from her eyes, replaced with something else. Fear? She thought she hurt me, my mind arrived at the conclusion rapidly, she hadn't meant to injure me, was afraid she'd overdone it. Red, Orange, and Lavender were staring at me as well, various levels of concern evident on their own faces. I pushed myself off the cobblestone and back onto my hooves, my sore muscles protested but they relented and allowed me to stand up, to show them, and especially Rainbow, that I was okay. They relaxed as I shifted around on my hooves, apparently confident I wasn't injured, or not too badly if I was. "What is all this commotion over here?" My head snapped around on a swivel, my eyes locked onto something... fabulous, another spike-head pony, this one was white... no... Alabaster, and had the most immaculately styled mane I'd ever seen, and it was purple. Alabaster approached, my eyes scanned across her form, searching for a tell as to her intentions. Her bearing conveyed... confidence and a hint of caution. She was clever, but even that can't completely hide what you're feeling. 'Where did that come from?' I thought to myself. "Is she alright?" Alabaster asked Rainbow. The crowd started to disperse behind her, the show was over, it seemed they had decided. "I don't know, she's just standing there. She tried to attack Twilight and I tackled her and then she just... stopped." Rainbow answered. 'If she hadn't chased me...' I thought as I looked past them at the buildings of the... town? That seemed to be the right word for it, town. The word just popped into my head, unbidden, just like the others. It was far too quiet, I turned my head to find the five of them staring at me, mouths slightly agape. "What was that, dear?" Alabaster asked with a raised eyebrow. I blinked and worked my mouth, it was open... "I... said?" I ground out haltingly, the words seemed harder to articulate when I meant to say them, maybe I was over-thinking the process. Another shock to my system, that I'd even had a concept of over-thinking a problem was new and foreign to me. "Yes... you did. Are you alright?" Alabaster asked again as she stepped towards me, her eyes widened as she got closer. I blinked twice and my mind went blank. "No," I said, simply, clearly, as I fell to the ground and thought no more. ~~ I felt like I'd been kicked in the head, and I did have experience to draw on for that. My eyes opened to a dimly lit room, wooden floor, wooden walls, wooden ceiling, wooden... everything. I was on a bed again, my head was on a pillow. It was not the same as the time before. I rolled my head, Lavender, or was it Twilight? "You're awake." She stated, it wasn't a question. "Y-" I started automatically, then closed my mouth and opted to instead nod my head, I didn't yet trust my... voice; something so new and foreign and... natural. She raised an eyebrow at me, but didn't question my hesitation. "Are you going to run again?" Twilight asked me, flatly. I shook my head slowly, keeping my eyes on her as I took in the room, took in possible escape routes. Felt how comfortable the bed was and thought about how much I wanted to stay in it. "Do you have a name?" she asked finally. I hesitated. I did have a name. A name... what was my name? I stared down at my hooves, my eyes went out of focus as I dove into my own memories. The farm, the pasture, the other horses... and the others the... people? Everything was so basic, shapes, sounds, smells but... I could make sense of it, despite the different mind that had seen it. I nodded my head and looked at her, my mind still searching for that answer. "Well... what is your name?" She asked stepping towards me, she seemed concerned, did I look scared? I had a name, but what was it? Something at the tip of my tongue, at the back of my mind. A saddle on my back, a bit in my mouth, hands firm on the reins, a soft nudge in the side... 'Alright let's go-' "Maggie." The word left my mouth even as the thought finished in my head, I had a name, it was given to me by... them, and I could remember it, "My... name... is Maggie."
Chapter 5Confessions of an Equine Chapter 5 My initial missteps were forgiven, it had seemed. Forgiveness was the order of the day, or maybe the almost-horses that I'd run into were just special like that. I couldn't yet know, I was too busy trying to make sense of my own head. Was it just a... dream? Another word that I shouldn't know, yet somehow was able to draw on when I needed it. Was this a blessing to be enjoyed? A curse when it was to be taken away? If it was taken away... would I have enough of this left to know what I was missing? "Maggie?" I jerked my head up, Twilight was talking to me, I'd drifted off. I wondered if she was getting tired of that. "Sorry," I replied, still unused to speaking. My voice was... well, if I had to compare it to anything, I'd compare it to Orange or Red, though none of the other almost-horses sounded quite like them, which made me wonder. "It's fine, I was asking if you'd like something to eat?" She asked. Bowls were floating in the air above her, her headspike was glowing with the same purple... fog, that the bowls were. It was... It was... 'Magic!' The word screamed in my head, like something talking directly into my mind, completely differently from before. I flinched like I'd been struck, blinked and shook my head, and looked up at her, "y-yes." Short words, simple words, words that are hard to screw up. Take it slow, don't look foolish. I then realized, I cared about looking foolish. This, whatever this was, was getting more complicated by the minute and showed no signs of stopping. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself, it just wouldn't do to get myself all spooked again. The bowl clinked against the table in front of me, sliced apples, something I knew even without that voice in the back of my head nagging me about it. 'and another word, great' I thought. I was beginning to develop a sarcastic streak. 'another... calm down Maggie... calm down' I sighed and closed my eyes, then lowered my head and bit into one of the apple slices. I hadn't remembered apples being that good; I needed little motivation to eat the entire bowl, and was well on my way to doing just that when I was interrupted by a soft coughing sound. I pulled my head out of the bowl and flicked my eyes up and toward the noise. Twilight looked less than pleased. "Were you raised in a barn?" she asked incredulously. I didn't immediately understand, although the word 'yes' had crossed my mind almost immediately. I looked back down at my bowl and realized what had upset her: I had made a substantial mess of the bowl, the table, and myself. I looked up at her sheepishly, she was unmoved. I was unsurprised. "Look, just... try to be more careful okay," she started, "what are we going to do with you?" It was a good question, what was she going to do with me. I wasn't like her, could she tell? Was she helping me because she couldn't tell or was she helping me because she could? I had always been the most comfortable in the herd and yet she was here, by herself. And then there was me, I supposed. But then what? I turned my head down and started eating again, calmly this time, taking care not to make a mess of things, or more of a mess than I had already. For the moment, I could put all of my fears aside and just enjoy the simple pleasures of food. ~~ Having put the meal behind me, I could focus on more important things, like not making a fool of myself, and not earning Twilight's ire. So far that had not been as successful as I'd have liked. I had learned that, unlike what is in small bowls, plants in pots were not meant as food. That, and an incident not suitable for being put into writing that nearly took place as a result of my unfamiliarity with plumbing. I don't believe I will ever live that one down. Which lead, somehow, to me sitting on a cushion staring into the open pages of a book. Little symbols and squiggly lines, I could make sense of none of it. It was supposed to have been a book on 'manners', something which I had apparently lacked, if Twilight's lamentations were anything to go by. "Well?" Twilight asked expectantly. I took my nose out of the incomprehensible scribbles and looked up at her with a blank look on my face. What was the best way to approach my total lack of comprehension of what she'd given me? I blinked at her, she frowned in reply. "You can't read that, can you?" She asked flatly. I looked back at the book, at the squiggles. There were some pictures, I could sort-of figure out what was going on in them, the nature of the writing still eluded me. "No," I said simply, softly. I felt my face heating up. 'Embarrassment.' I looked away from her disapproving eyes, as if ashamed by that failure. "Where do you come from?" she asked, I couldn't tell if she wanted an answer or was just asking it for the sake of voicing her thoughts. I wasn't sure I had an answer in either case. I kept my head hung low, I wanted to fit into whatever mold she'd envisioned for me, herd instinct if anything, and yet it was something I couldn't suppress. And I'd failed. I felt a hoof on my shoulder, turned my head to look Twilight in the eyes again. My eyes felt wet, she smiled. "If you can't read... then I'll just have to teach you. I'm sure we'll figure all of this out sooner or later, okay?" Would it be figured out? What was there to even figure out, less than a week before I'd been a mindless farm animal, a beast of burden and from there I'd become a shy illiterate among a herd of not-quite-horses that were obviously superior to me in every way, and yet... I felt a spark of something, I almost didn't have to search for the word, it was just there like a light in the darkness: Hope. Hope, for the future? That I'd blend in, fit in, find a new herd to call my own? That I'd find meaning in what had happened to me, how I'd changed? I wasn't sure, but... like it had been with Orange before, she said those words to me and I believed her, without question, without doubt. Was it a reflection of her own confidence in telling me or... was it just something inside of me that knew she wouldn't let me down? I decided, as my eyes dried, that for now, hope would be enough. Author's Note Here's another one, trying not to suck so, yeah that.
Chapter 6Confessions of an Equine Chapter 6 I was unsure what I had done, or what higher power I had offended to deserve it, as I sat behind that rickety wooden desk in that small one room schoolhouse. Shame was a new feeling, and I was only vaguely aware of why I was feeling it, thoughts turned to being crammed into a desk clearly too small for me. Like I was too old or too grown to be there. I also questioned the need for the desk in the first place, it would have been easier to do... whatever it was we were going to do somewhere more comfortable. But It was Twlight's idea, and so that's what we did. I could have done without Twilight's idea, I could also have done without the shame. ...and the introspection, the inner conflict, and the headaches. "Maggie, are you listening?" I wasn't. "Yes," I lied. The other pony frowned. I could also have done without Cheerilee's disapproval. I added that to the list. I could have done without the list. I didn't add that to the list. "Maggie!" the pony yelled suddenly, my head jerked to face her. "You're still not listening," Cheerilee admonished, "I know this isn't the most interesting material but it's important for you to learn how to interact properly with other ponies." "Sorry." She sighed, "It's okay, I'm... just a little frustrated, let's call it a day for now." On that, she had my full support. I was, initially, almost excited about the prospect of learning, if not for learning's sake, then perhaps for the answers I might find. Hours in that small room behind that small desk, however, had taken their toll on my body and my mind. I could hear my joints pop and my spine crack as I stood out of the chair and stretched. It was a welcome change from the compressed misery and I was going to relish it. Relish; I was reminded of lunch that day, my stomach rumbled, I hadn't eaten in hours. That was as foreign a concept as any, being hungry. At any other time I'd have been grazing almost constantly with no real end, but since the change I'd had times of being hungry, times of being full, eating actually well defined meals. And Relish. I was definitely a fan. I had initially misunderstood the purpose of the substance as we sat around that round wooden table before 'class' had started, and Twilight had brought out a spread of various breads, jams, vegetables and... pickle relish. The smell drew my immediate attention, even as Twilight and Cheerliee chatted away about... something. I wasn't paying attention, my nose was guiding my attention, and my attention was had. The Jar was my prey, and I was the predator, my eyes locked onto the open lid and I advanced. Closer, closer, I stalked the unassuming little Jar, my nose inched closer... and my hooves sprang out, passing entire inches across the surface of the table, and The Jar was in my grasp. Twilight and Cheerilee stopped talking, their heads turned towards me- It was too late, my tongue shot past my lips and i scooped the entire contents of The Jar into my mouth. My mouth exploded in a cacophony of flavor, bitter yet sweet, crunchy: delicious. My eyes widened and my muscles went slack; this was good heaven. I scraped the rest of The Jar with my tongue and deposited the contents into my mouth; my only regret was that there wasn't more. I heard a plate clink, my eyes turned up. Twilight was staring at me, mouth agape, "That... is what I was talking about, Cheerilee." I blinked, confused as to what-- I blinked and shook my head, felt the softness on my face and took a step backwards, lost in my memory I'd walked directly into Twilight's flank. Her face was tinged red as she stared at me with a disbelieving look. "Maggie." I cringed, that tone spoke volumes by itself and how did I know that? She stared at me for a second, maybe two or three, and then closed her eyes and turned her head away. "Nevermind," she said. I felt like this was another one of those things I didn't get yet, like the relish, oh my the relish, or the toilets. Or the showers. Or table manners. Or... most everything. We started walking again and she kept looking over her shoulder, checking to see that I was paying attention. I was not; I was hungry. I wanted to stop, I wanted to smell the grass, smell the flowers and the trees! I wanted to eat them. I wanted to latch onto a chunk of some poor pony's lawn and force it down my throat-hole with reckless abandon. I wanted to dive into the flower bed and slide along it from a run and jump, scooping up all of the delicious little flowers in my mouth and filling myself with the delightful flavor of tulips. I shook my head, my imagination was getting away from me again, it seemed like that happened when ever I spent any time with the Pink One, and Twilight had been leaving me with her when Applejack wasn't available. I dared not even think her name, as though the mere act could summon her. I shuddered, while all of this was new and unnatural for me, I felt as though even by this measuring stick she was far above and beyond. She had even gone into song, and I felt some strange compulsion rise up in me to join in, though I was able to hold it back, if not from force of will, then from force of fear. It was not that I felt she meant me harm, I simply could not deal with her... other-ness. I caught myself licking my lips while thinking of the delicious food growing all around me. Twilight stopped again, I noticed because I was still staring intently at her flank. I wasn't about to run into her again. She looked at me in what I can only describe as abject horror. As clueless as I was, I wasn't that clueless, and the implications quickly entered my brain as my eyes shot wider, and then it happened; my savior. My stomach let out an unfathomably powerful gurgle to signal my hunger, and Twlight's expression shifted immediately. "Oh, are you hungry? I guess it has been a while since we've eaten anything," Twilight started, acting as though the previous five seconds had never taken place. For that I was grateful. "What do you want to eat?" I smiled, at least I think I did; facial expressions were still a little difficult. I mulled over all of the culinary possibilities, the various flavors and scents and textures I'd experienced, I thought hard about it. My choice, however, was a foregone conclusion. "Can we have relish?" Author's Note Look, I did some more!
Chapter 7Confessions of an Equine Chapter 7 It was on a warm day in mid spring that I learned the value of being punctual and the consequences of a failure to be so. It was the day that I met Scootaloo. I'd been late arriving for my weekly session with Cheerilee the day before and we'd run out of time before we had covered everything that she'd wanted to go over. She had decided, and I had agreed, that we would meet the next day after her class and go over the few things we had missed; she didn't want me to be off schedule. Three weeks in with seven weeks left. Hopefully. If I did well and was lucky. I heard the ringing of a bell when I arrived alone at the school house. Twilight had suggested that I start making trips alone, to get used to being self sufficient. I'd guessed she decided that there wasn't much chance that I would run away again. I had been successfully suppressing that urge. The school doors burst open and I jumped back, startled by the loud noise of wood crashing into wood. I shook my head and forced down the urge to panic. 'It's just a door.' I told myself, but millions of years of instinct were not so easily content to give way to four weeks of upper brain. Twilight was rubbing off on me. My ears swiveled towards the doors while I was momentarily lost in thought. 'Stampede?' I thought as I heard the thunderous sound of hooves stomping into wood and then dirt. Foals, at least a dozen of them, were pouring out of the schoolhouse. My breath caught in my throat. I was unfamiliar with that feeling, like pain but not, and I wasn't even sure why. I swallowed the lump in my throat and walked around the stampede of tiny ponies and made my way for the still open door. I'd have to ask Cheerilee about it but first-- Orange. Purple. Wings! My thoughts went back to Pain and Blue and Rainbow. I still wasn't used to ponies with wings, it felt... wrong. Or I was projecting my fear of Rainbow Dash. Maybe it was both. I stepped across the threshold anyway and looked over the little pegasus filly. No, she seemed harmless enough. "Oh, Maggie!" Cheerliee said as she turned and looked over at me, "That's right I asked you to come today didn't I?" I nodded, "Yes." Talking was getting easier, but I still found myself sticking to small simple words around ponies I didn't know. This little filly was no exception. "Well... This is a little embarrassing, I'm actually going to be really busy all night and I don't have time to go over what I wanted to go over so we'll have to try again tomorrow," she explained with an expression on her face that I couldn't quite place. My ears fell along with the corners of my mouth. I was going to have to do this for an extra week now. "I understand." I said dejectedly as I turned to walk back out of the schoolhouse. I sighed, perhaps I could go visit Applejack or Red. I'd have to ask what his name actually-- "Well, wait." Cheerliee said. I turned around and she was smiling strangely, "You haven't been in ponyville that long, why don't you let Scootaloo show you around?" I blinked and looked between her and the filly in front of her. Blue eyes met purple. We both turned to look at Cheerilee, the same word on both of our lips. "What." ~~ The filly was... energetic. I didn't dislike that, to my great surprise. I had found that I generally preferred calmer environments but her enthusiasm was almost infectious. I smiled a little as she buzzed alongside me on her scooter. "And then the parade float went over the cliff!" Scootaloo finished as she looked over at me, her eyes drifted to my flank. "Hey... You don't have a cutie mark." "I don't." I replied with a nod, unsure of where she was going with it. Still, something in the back of my mind urged me to humor the little pegasus, wings or no. "Well aren't you curious about your special talent?" She asked me with a raised eyebrow. "Well..." I started, "Not really... but now that you mention it." I wondered why I hadn't thought of that before. "Well, you're colored kind of like a cow... maybe your special talent is milk?" She suggested helpfully while looking me over with appraising eye. I stopped walking and started at the little filly, "I... Don't think that's my special talent." "You're probably right," Scootaloo admitted, "Hmm... Well what are you good at?" I smiled, that was an easy simple answer, I turned to the filly with the grin plastered across my face, "Well... I'm pretty fast." Scootaloo smirked, "Prove it." She'd taken the bait; Hook, line, and sinker. "Try to keep up," I said simply. And then I was off like a shot, rocks kicked up as I launched with my back legs. I felt the wind in my mane and I was immediately in my element. I could hear the buzzing of the filly's wings next to me. She was fast. But I was faster. I leaned my head into the wind and pushed harder, cutting towards town as the buzzing fell further and further behind. I started to let up a little, last time I got carried away I ended up getting tackled by Rainbow Dash. Not that I thought I was going to end up in that situation a second time, I still felt the need for moderation. If for no other reason, I supposed, than to give the little filly something to-- The buzzing was back, right above me? I looked up and my eyes widened. Scootaloo was flying through the air above me, still on her scooter. Had she jumped off of something? She was passing me at a speed I didn't think possible and then... she hit the ground in front of me. I narrowed my eyes and pulled out all the stops. If she wanted to play hard ball, I'd play hard ball. We'd just hit the town square and suddenly the scooter started to wobble and she slowed down, the cobblestones were loose here for some reason. And then it happened, the scooter went sideways and she jumped off and to the side. "Oh no." I wasn't so lucky, my front legs got caught up in the wooden contraption and I went down hard. End over end I tumbled through the make-shift market. The world was spinning so fast that I couldn't make sense of anything I was seeing, I just knew that hitting the ground like that hurt, and I'd be lucky if I made it out of this without a broken leg. Or Four. I caught a flash of orange and I was peripherally aware of the scent of apples. 'Oh no, not that!' I thought, afraid that I was right in my fear of which stall I was about to crash into. I was fast, and fast took a lot of time to stop, time I didn't have. I hit the wooden planks and my world exploded into fresh new pain and the overpowering scent of apples and sugar. "Maggie?! What in the world is goin on here?" the voice yelled in alarm. I opened my eyes, unsure of when I'd closed them, and looked up while laying on my back in the middle of what used to be Applejack's applecart. I raised my hoof weakly and pointed in the direction I came, "Scootaloo happened." She did not look amused, "You know, I think y'all are gonna clean this up... and I could use a little help in the orchards come ta think of it. Thanks for volunteerin'." ~~ 'Today I learned not to let small orange fillies goad you into acting irresponsibly,' I thought to myself as I kicked another tree. I was rewarded with the sound of falling apples. It was just as well that Applejack had me doing this; I needed to work off the aggression. Aggression was definitely a new concept for me. I didn't remember ever being legitimately angry before. I wasn't even angry with Scootaloo, she was just being... a filly. And I wasn't any better, I was angry at myself. "I'm real sorry about getting you in trouble like that Miss Maggie." The filly said as she picked up an apple and put it into the bag I was wearing. I'm not sure it would have been possible for her ears to go down any further. She was... cute. And like that, the negative feelings evaporated. It wasn't like I had anything better going on anyway right? And for some reason I found myself drawn to the little filly, in an almost mo-- I stopped moving. "Miss Maggie, you alright?" I looked down at the little filly and in her place an entirely different pony stood, just for a second, until I blinked her away. How could I have forgotten? I couldn't even remember her name but, that feeling... I didn't need to ask Cheerilee why anymore, I knew. I knew what had bothered me and I suspected at why I found Scootaloo so appealing. I knew what I'd left behind. Left back in that other world... Left with the wolves and I could only hope that the other horses had been able to do what I didn't... I'd had a foal... and I'd left her behind. Author's Note So this thing took a turn I wasn't entirely expecting it to take for sure, changed the tone a little bit but it's given me a direction to work for. I'd say expect semi-frequent updates but I don't want to write checks I can't cash. While you're at it, give this a look.
Chapter 8Confessions of an Equine Chapter 8 Keeper, or Caretaker, Friend, Owner? The words drifted through my mind as I thought back to those thin wisps of memory. There was a word for the relationship between horse and rider, there was... a feeling that I tried to grasp at, something that would make me feel better. Something that would tell me that, in that place I'd come from, that the one I'd left behind was alright, that she was being treated well, that she was happy... or as happy as she could be. Part of it was agonizing, knowing that she couldn't be like I was, couldn't experience things that way I could, that she hadn't become more. Part of it was shame, that I'd run instead of fought, that I'd left her to the wolves while I'd run and run and... been rewarded with this. The shame, the guilt the... friendship. I couldn't even remember her face, and here I was with a bunch of ponies who actually cared and wanted to help and... I felt like i didn't deserve any of it. "I awoke on the roadside, in the land of the free ride, and I can't pull it any longer..." I softly sang to myself, the words coming from... somewhere else, a memory, of a life long past... "Miss Maggie?" I blinked my eyes and shook my head. I was forgetting the other half of my penance, Twilight had been... Creative. That was the word for it; to repay my indiscretions I was going to be spending time with Scootaloo, and to that end, her friends. All... two of them. I couldn't judge, it was more than I'd had until... how long had it been? "Yes?" I asked finally as I looked down to the filly. "You've been just staring into space for like ten minutes, are you okay?" I nodded my head, "Sorry I was... Just thinking. I've been doing a lot of that lately." I was supposed to be spending time with her, not feeling sorry for myself and I was even screwing that up. I was not being a very good pony. Or for that matter a good friend. That is what I was supposed to be doing after all: Making friends. ...and fitting in, and being a Good Pony, and making my way. I'd come a long way in... not even months. I was making friends, making my own way, working even! Although... I'd been press-ganged into that, and if I didn't see an apple tree again for a few months I'd be alright. And I was ignoring Scootaloo again. I shook my head, I'd been doing that a lot lately, and looked in the immediate area for the little pegasus. My ears swiveled, I heard hoofsteps but the cadence was off. One-two-three-two-three-one-two-- it wasn't one pony. One-two-three-four. One-two-three-four. One-two-three-four. Twelve. I turned my head, my ears snapped up, my heart sank. Scootaloo was a fine, a joy even. Applebloom was equally pleasant to be around, and Sweetie Belle was a charming little filly. But... The three of them together? I'd heard stories. Stories about things and stuff and the real reason the mayor's mane was gray! Granted, that was only rumor, but I still had a legitimate fear. My mane was already white though, so maybe I was being ridiculous after all. I steeled myself against the probable calamity I was sure to endure and opened my mouth, "Hello... girls." "Hey Miss Maggie, are you busy?" Sweetie Belle asked me with... the widest eyes. I blinked. "No, just... standing here with Scootaloo..." I ventured cautiously, "Why?" "Well, Applejack said we needed 'Adult Supervision'," Applebloom started, putting special emphasis on the words, "and... well you're an adult... and Scootaloo is already with you... so we were wonderin' if you could help us!" 'Well that's not too bad' I thought privately while I stared down at the little pony. I sighed, 'I'm going to regret this...' "Okay." I said finally. The three little ponies' eyes lit up with glee and they grinned, "Cutie Mark Crusaders: Mane Stylists, yay!" 'I immediately regret this decision.' I wanted to tell them no, that I'd changed my mind, that I had other plans, anything to get myself out of it but... I was a sucker for that gleeful look on their face, and I imagined I wasn't the only victim to that either. ~~ I was not a vain pony, far from it, even then I could hardly care about appearances--they just weren't important. But, as that mirror hovered in front of my face I couldn't even begin to suppress my despair. All of the hushed tones and uncomfortable glances I'd seen directed at those three made sense, fully and completely in a way that struck home more firmly than I could have ever imagined. A... head... covering? The word was on the tip of my tongue, the thing on Oran--Applejack's head. A hat, that's what I needed. A distraction, something to draw attention away from... I didn't want to think about it anymore. The girls stared at me expectantly at me, and I was at a complete loss for words. My tongue worked over my lips as I struggled for the words. I wasn't the most 'with it' pony, but I knew enough even then not to be too harsh on them, they were just children. Although in a way, I imagine I wasn't much different. Age and experience I had, long term interaction I... had less of. I gave them an expressionless stare while my brain worked desperately for some way to get out of the situation without upsetting them, and I was coming up empty. I watched in growing apprehension as their expressions went slowly from ones of glee to one more fitting of watching their plan go horribly, horribly, wrong. My eyes snapped back and forth between them, Scootaloo started to eyeball the door, Sweetie's eyes were glued to the floor, Applebloom was... I wasn't sure, I couldn't figure out what she was thinking. I heard the sound of bells in the distance, four chimes. Four in the afternoon, that's what Twilight said the chimes meant. An excuse! "Girls I... Have to... Go. Purp--Twilight needs me... for... things," I ground out awkwardly as I turned and ran for the door. I heard their voices behind me as I fled, but I was committed to avoiding anymore awkwardness, no matter how much of a fool I had to make of myself in the process. I cleared the threshold of their tree house and ran straight off the end of the ramp. My hooves hit the dirt and I took off like a shot, maybe if I ran fast enough no one would notice. Twilight's home was in the middle of town, but that wasn't my destination. Getting out of the clubhouse had given me a moment to think, and I knew what I had to do. It took a few minutes before my hooves finally touched the cobblestone road leading away from the farm, and that's when I pushed myself harder. Time was of the essence, the longer I was out in public, the greater my exposure would be, and there was only one pony that could save me. I could see the roof of my destination after only a hundred or so paces down the road, the sound of my hooves clacking against the ground was almost deafening, my muscles ached and my lungs burned, but still I pushed. Some things were just worth it. This... may have not been one of those things, but at the moment, I didn't care. Houses and shops went past in a blur, my eyes locked in on my target, I adjusted course. The door was open, I jumped over the fence, angled up the sidewalk, and shot past the threshold. My hooves hit a smooth hardwood floor and I slid, nearly falling over as I passed from the prying eyes of a public setting into the relative safety of my destination. "Maggie, what in Equestria..?" The voice asked. I turned, Rarity was here. Salvation! I shook the sweat from my eyes and felt my ragged mane brush against my neck. I looked at her with pleading eyes. "Sweetie... Scootaloo... Applebloom..." I panted out, gesturing at my head with a forehoof. Recognition and mounting horror were painted on the unicorn's face, I watched her eyes widen and her pupils dilate. I should have known she'd take it worse than I did, but if she was taking it this badly then perhaps I wasn't over-reacting after all. "Please help." Author's Note Try to be quicker on the next chapter, I'll end it on this cliffhanger if only so I don't leave you till mid next year without an update. While you're waiting, check out some of my other stories, like The Equestrian Hitcher
Chapter 9Confessions of an Equine Chapter 9 The first professional mane styling I'd ever had was a far cry from the treatment I'd gotten from the girls, though it was lacking somewhat in their enthusiasm, it certainly made up for it in quality. Not that I was a stylish pony, I was no Rarity, nay, not even a Twilight; I still knew what a terrible manecut was. Maybe, since even I knew it was terrible, that must have really meant something to the talent those girls had for wrecking it in the first place. Not that there was much to save after they'd had their way, the stallion running the hair salon (and he had a strange inflection to his voice...) did what he could; he called it a 'pixie' cut. I was actually kind of fond of it, it was a far cry from the long locks I'd had before but it felt right when I saw it. Any distraction was a welcome one though, and I took that in stride. "Maggie, you mustn't let them coerce you into such things. You are the adult here, you should... be more assertive with children, otherwise, at least those three, will try to get away with whatever they think they can!" Rarity said to me from across the table. I poked at my 'hay fries' with a hoof, shifting them around my plate. I understood her, perfectly even, but I didn't feel like the adult in this situation. I felt like a lost foal, to be honest. I felt like I had more in common with the children than I did with the ones who were presumably my age. On that topic, I wasn't even sure how old I actually was. Time seemed.. different here, or my perception of it anyway. Before, in that old life, my perception of time was more or less the moment I currently occupied, and the time immediately preceding that moment. "I... know what you mean... But it's not easy for me to be like that. This is all still so new for me," I explained, picking delicately at the pile of fries, separating them out by size. 'It's also not easy now that I remember what I left behind...' I kept that last thought to myself. I looked up from the plate, our eyes met, and I felt like even though it was left unspoken, she knew what I'd been thinking anyway. Sneaky perceptive unicorn. She extended her hoof across the table and touched it to mine, and smiled. Further words between us were left unsaid, that one simple action told me enough. I wasn't alone, either here in this new world or... with the way I was feeling. There was a sadness in her eyes, just a hint of sadness, like she'd spent years burying it deep inside, building a wall around her feelings. But in this moment, that wall cracked and her true feelings came out, for just a moment. When we finally broke contact, I was left with one question on my mind: when had I become that perceptive? ~~ We'd parted ways after leaving the diner. She had to watch her sister, I'd needed time to myself. I'd wandered the town lost in thought, thinking on what I was going to do with my life. I was effectively a child in an adult's world. I was doing better each day, fitting in better, figuring out these new social constructs and yet I had as much knowledge of this world as a newborn foal. I knew of schools, knew enough of them to know that it was something necessary and something I was lacking. I didn't have the experience of growing up with friends in this world... Even if I had them now. I shook the thoughts from my head and found myself standing in the park, my thoughts drifted back to that foal... My foal. I felt the heartache I'd felt when I'd first remembered; such a short time hadn't been enough to dampen that pain, even if I'd gotten used to feeling it. "No matter where we go, or even if we don't," I softly sang, the words coming again from my memory, my memory of before. I grasped onto it, the sentiment different... but in this situation it felt like it still fit. I tried so hard to remember that face... "and even if they try, they'll never take my body from your side..." I turned my head to the sky, looked at the sun so high above. Princess Celestia moved it through the sky, they'd said. Powerful enough to do that with her magic, she had to be incredible. An Idea began to form in my mind, if she was that powerful, if she had that much magic... maybe she could help me. Maybe she could find where I came from, maybe she could send me back, just for a little while, to see her... to bring her back! I felt a tear drip down my cheek, that face finally cleared up in my mind. I remembered what my foal looked like, and I knew that no matter what happened, I'd go as far as I had to, I'd see that face again. "Love don't die." Author's Note Sorry to leave you all hanging so long, writing has been a bit... difficult as of late. I've not forgotten you, and I hope to have more out soon to make up for how short this entry was.
Chapter 10Confessions of an Equine Chapter 10 'Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.' A valid notion, and yet... I had to wonder, was it something I could achieve? Was I even worthy of the help of those great souls around me? The more time I spent in this world, the more I learned, the more I realized how exceptional my new friends were. I'd known, even early on that they were special, but it was only after I truly began to understand this world that I knew how much. The great deeds they had performed, the lives they had saved, the lives they had mended. Faced with that, how could I expect to be important enough to help? How I could I even pretend to be important enough to occupy the time of those who toppled giants and vanquished demons? But then I was just overwhelmed by all of it. It wasn't that I was an unworthy cause, to their eyes. But to my own, everything that I had know, had been, paled in comparison to what they had done in any given day, to say nothing of what they'd done when lives were on the line. And I? I was a horse. I was, better, now, than I had been, even when they'd found me, after I got here... I guess my real problem was that I felt like I was wasting their time, like I was doing something, just by being here, that was stopping them from doing the things that made them great, made their peers love them, made the world respect them. Because I was a horse. But not really. Not anymore, it was something I was telling myself despite all the evidence I'd seen to the contrary. It was something I was telling myself so that I could justify not asking for help, to go back and get her and bring her back with me. Because I was afraid. I sighed, paced back and forth along the bottom floor of the library. Afraid, fear, terror. Words. Words for feelings of which I was intimately familiar, even before. Especially before. I was afraid of going back. I was afraid of turning back into what I was, forgetting what happened here. Afraid she wouldn't come with me. Afraid she wouldn't change like I did. I was afraid, if I asked for help, they would say no. I was even more afraid that they would say yes. And yet, deep down, I feared that they would say yes, and leave me behind. I was little more than a child in their eyes, even if they tried to include me in less childish pursuits. I was the feral child who made it to adulthood, I was an enigma. They must have thought I was mentally handicapped. Maybe they were right, or maybe It was just all the concepts I had swirling around my head didn't have an outlet that I could share with them. Locked into my own mind, but not. No, enough got through, I was normal enough but not normal enough, all at once. Just a little bit-- "Maggie?" Twilight said suddenly from behind me. She must have heard me pacing a smooth spot into the wooden floor of her home, "You alright? You're kinda wearing out my floor there." I imagined she smiling, but it was that kind of smile you reserve for the intoxicated, the senile, or the young. At least my paranoid frame of mind made it seem like that. I flinched and stopped walking, turned to face her. Her eyebrow was raised and her head was tilted, smirk no-where in sight. Just being paranoid. Was it something I could ask her to do? Could I just... explain it, from the beginning? "Twilight, I..." I started, frowned, and started pacing again. "when you... found me... I am not, I was not..." I struggled, trying to think of the right words to use. I heard the soft beat of her footsteps, felt her forehoof on my shoulder, and a caring smile on her face. She nodded, I sat. "I don't think I am from here. Not... from equestria... no," I struggled for the word, "Not from this... planet? no, world! I am from... Where I am from we don't talk, or think." I winced, thinking back on that time, and how I was right after, "we don't... do this, we are... less. Our lives are small, eat, walk, run, breed." I could sense her blush against my neck, she'd started to hug me at some point, I blinked away tears I didn't know I had been shedding, shook my head a little, and took a step back. "I have... I had..." I took a deep breath as the words refused to come out, I closed my eyes and then opened them again, "Where I came from, that place... I had a foal. I have... a daughter." The dam broke, the hard part was over, I grit my teeth and took a step forward, do or die, now or never. Say it maggie! "I want to go back and get her." Twilight stayed frozen in front of me, her lips frozen as the full weight of what I said hit her, I could see in her eyes the doubt, the rejection. She wasn't going to help me, she was... going to understand me for the freak that I was, finally. Not a child, not an adult, just defective, just-- "Okay. We... Yeah, we'll find a way Maggie, all of us. I'll get the girls together, send a few letters. We'll figure this out, we'll get her back for you..." She trailed off at the end, her comforting smile started to slip as she looked away, "nobody should have to be alone." Author's Note We are approaching a time when things happen.
Chapter 11There would come a time, before it was all over, that I would look back on the early days, the time spent without a care, and envy them. A burden I was learning to come to terms with, the burden of knowledge. I was imperfect, not like the others, but I was becoming like them, more than I could have imagined. Twilight had offered to help me, when I'd finally broken down, finally told her the truth about my past, what I'd remembered. She'd offered to help me, and offered the help of anyone else she could muster, to figure out this task. To take us all back to the world I'd come from, to find her, to bring her here with me. It gave me a sense of belonging, when she said that, all the fears, the self depreciating 'truths' I'd been rolling around in my head seemed to evaporate all at once. I was part of this group, maybe I wasn't an important part, maybe I wasn't a powerful part, or a talented, effective part of the group. I'd heard the stories of what they'd done... But they had accepted me in as one of their own. Like a family? Maybe. But more than a sense of belonging, I was given a sense of purpose. I had a goal, Twilight was working on a plan, and we were going to make this happen, find my child, bring her back. We'd be together again, and I had to wonder what she'd be like? Would she be an energetic troublemaker? A book worm? An athlete? Would she be as confused as me? I shook my head, no. She'd have friends to help her, my friends, the ponies that had looked out for me since I'd gotten here, helped me when they had no reason to other than their own good natures. I couldn't have asked for a better group to help me through this trial. I took in a deep breath, it was the smell of fresh air, flowers on the breeze. It was the taste of freedom... and, I licked my lips, the taste of something cooking. Thick sugary, almost... peppermint. That was the flavor I was detecting on the air. I quite liked peppermint. Clip, clop. Clip, clop. My hooves clicked across the wooden floor, my body led by my nose and tongue towards that most pleasant aroma. The kitchen wasn't far, just the other side of the library and then-- The Pink One, perched precariously over a pot. I licked my bottom lip unconsciously. Culinary pursuits awaited, preferably sooner than later I would have whatever was inside of that pink pony's pot inside of my body. Oh yes. "Hi Maggie! How are you doing today? I'm making candy because I thought 'you know i bet Maggie would like some candy' and then I decided to come over and make some candy because candy makes you feel better and that's just the best thing, right?" The Pink One said to me. I felt my ear twitch. No, she was nice, she was trying to be nice, she was very friendly, just energetic. The foals hadn't broken me, This One would not either. Plus, you know, peppermint. I nonchalantly proceeded into the kitchen, taking careful effort to give the illusion of being aloof. "Well I am... okay. That sure smells like..."I sucked on my lip and tried not to salivate too much, "peppermint." "Oh yeah! Peppermint is the best! Well, so is lemon, and orange, apple, banana, mint, chocolate... Well really anything sweet is the best. you know?" She asked me with a grin that... almost made me wonder how a mouth could become quite so large. It was almost predatory-- No, peppermint. She has the peppermint. Aloof mode failed. "I would like the peppermint candy," I asked while nearly rubbing my lip raw with my tongue. A mare has needs. I hadn't the time nor inclination to react; she'd fired the candy into my mouth via means-unknown. Cold sharp sweet peppermint flooded my senses, cleared my nose. Zero to eleven. Crunch, crunch, crunch couldn't, wouldn't, didn't want to resist chewing and swallowing my guilty pleasure. There'd been little I'd cared for, so long ago. Little that held much sway but when it came to peppermint candies there was little I wouldn't do. Candy was the pleasant, if forced, distraction, the short circuit in any planning I might have attempted. Another candy clicked against my tooth and found purchase on the top of the tip of my tongue and sensory overload repeated anew. Something about The Pink One's iteration of the peppermint candy was somehow entirely more than it had any right. Such was true of her as well. Perhaps the most difficult adaptation of my new life, she broke rules that seemed set in stone for any other being alive, even in such a fantastical place as this. A place where even I could find myself with intellect. Perhaps, she, more than anyone else, would prove critical to the plan. At the very least... At the very least, she'd provide ample peppermint respite.
