Phantom Limbs

by sunsetwannabejetset

Rating: teen
Tags: Narcotics, Dark, Sad, Equestria Girls, Suicide / Self Harm, Tragedy, Main 7 (EqG), Profanity, Death, Sunset Shimmer
Length: 3607

Sunset was wide awake before, during, and after everything happened, no matter how hard she wished she wasn’t.

After her suicide attempt, Sunset Shimmer wakes up unable to move. She can barely remember why she did it, but after reflecting on her mistakes, Sunset’s sure she deserves to die. But, she failed spectacularly. Despite the fact that she can’t feel anything, life continues to torment her. It’s a fate worse than death. She has to get out of this.

Trigger Warning: This fic discusses suicide quite a bit. Please take care of yourself and seek help if you need it. You matter. You are important.

Published 2021-11-27 23:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-11-27 23:30:01 UTC

A Fate Worse Than Death

Sunset was wide awake before, during, and after everything happened, no matter how hard she wished she wasn’t.

For some reason, downing a bottle of sleeping pills did not end up knocking her out. Instead, Sunset lay in her bathtub fully clothed, staring straight ahead of her. She had, for her own part, dozed off for a second. Her head spun and she felt nauseous, but she awoke shortly after, unable to move. The water in the tub had gone cold, and she seemed to have turned her stomach inside out in the toilet next to the tub. At least the water was clean.

It was a fate worse than death. Completely unable to move or even speak, Sunset contemplated her mistakes; of which she had many. She decided to stick to the top three.

Her first mistake, probably, was not listening to Princess Celestia. The crude, arrogant student she was only stemmed from her desire for power, for something greater than she ever was. She wished to be more, and she wanted to rule. Sunset’s hunger, her insatiable, ravenous thirst for more plagued her very being until all her thoughts were consumed by that damn mirror.

And that mirror really did damn her.

Her second mistake was trying to steal Princess Twilight’s crown. If she hadn’t gone back through the mirror, she would have never brought magic back to CHS. She would have never turned into that fiery demon that haunted her in her sleep. She could have stayed as the pathetic mean girl that terrorized everyone. Was it something good? No, no, of course it wasn’t. But at least eventually, once high school was over, Sunset would have fizzled out into the real world, and probably would have been forced to play nice. She wouldn’t have had to have been corrupted by harmonious magic. No searing of skin, no smell of charred flesh as she transformed into that hideous beast.

Though, without all that, her friends would no longer be friends. Sunset would be alone and miserable until the end, and her friends likely would be, too. Maybe that mistake was only a mistake for her. A price she had to pay since it would do everyone else good.

After the Fall Formal, nobody wanted to speak to her. Not that anyone ever did, but at least they used to be afraid of her. They respected her out of fear. As awful as it must have been for everyone else, at least Sunset had it… good. But after that wretched day, nobody would even talk to her, except those stupid girls that helped bring her down in the first place. Her friends. But even they didn’t really like her. She could tell.

Every day, she noticed that the only reason they would let her hang around was because they made a promise to Princess Twilight. Were they nice? Yes. Did she care about them? About as much as Sunset Shimmer cared about anyone. But they definitely didn’t care about her. Not really, anyway.

And that led to mistake number three: Taking a bottle of sleeping pills.

It wasn’t so much the act of taking the sleeping pills that was the issue. It was simply a miscalculation. She hadn’t meant to render herself a vegetable. To put herself through that much pain and discomfort and panic only to somehow paralyze her body so hard she couldn’t even blink or move a muscle. She wanted to die. No putting it lightly; Sunset Shimmer wanted to disappear.

She couldn’t even do that right. Celestia be damned, she couldn’t even do that right. Why hadn’t she taken some whiskey with it? Or had some painkillers, too? Maybe she should have found her sharpest knife instead? No, Sunset probably could have managed tying a noose or jumping out a window. So why did she pick the stupid sleeping pills?

Sunset glared dead ahead, unable to do much else but move her eyes around in their sockets. She had wanted to express her frustration, her anger at herself for failing at everything. But she couldn’t even make a fist.

On the counter, Sunset’s phone buzzed again. It had been buzzing on and off for at least a half-hour. Why was anyone trying to reach her? It was Sunday night, and she never received texts. The buzzing stopped, and Sunset felt relief wash over her.

Then, it started again.

Sunset watched the set of tiles her eyes focused on. She could practically dream about them at that point if only she’d fall asleep.

A never-ending sleep about tiles seemed nice. At the very least, better than sitting there uselessly. If only she could just move…

Nothing happened. It almost felt like she was moving her arm, but her arm didn’t actually move. The amount of time that passed between missed phone calls shortened and shortened as time went on. She wasn’t even sure how much time had gone by; the only indication she had was that now the phone buzzed at least once every minute or so.

If she could have sighed, she would have. I didn’t even put it on silent. What is this? Some kind of punishment for trying to...?

The phone buzzed again. Sunset wanted nothing more than to get out of the bathtub and smash her phone on the ground, but her body was too heavy.

No, it wasn’t heavy. It was just… She couldn’t move it. Sunset rolled her eyes and did all she could, which was nothing. At least the buzzing stopped, after one last short vibration.

How did she even get here? She remembered getting home from school and spiralling entirely. One of her friends had made a comment about her past – a fleeting one, completely not malicious. They all turned to her and stared at her wide-eyed as if she’d break, like some kind of a freak. They had probably said sorry—she couldn’t even remember who had done it—and she of course brushed it off. But the wound was too fresh. Her demon self burned in her memory.

Was this her doing?

No, Sunset had to take responsibility. Even though she couldn’t quite remember how it happened, she knew she had bought the sleeping pills to help with the terror-filled nights. She knew she had stared at herself long and hard in the mirror until she sprouted wings and became ablaze with sickening fiery-red skin and those dark, dark eyes. She knew she looked down at her shaking, trembling amber hands, and she knew she set herself in the tub with a bottleful and a half of sleeping pills. Sunset wasn’t even sure anymore if her plan had been to have slipped into the water and drowned or to overdose from the pills.

Obviously, neither one worked. It somehow went worse. She was still alive—though it barely felt like it—and she couldn’t move. How embarrassing. Was she meant to die of starvation? That would suck.

The buzzing returned for a brief moment. As soon as it came, it went. Sunset almost felt relieved. Almost. It then came back in sporadic intervals, which was infinitely worse. How was it even able to get worse? Surely, she had died and gone to hell.

By the time the on and off buzzing finally stopped, Sunset was no longer able to even guess what time it was. Had it been hours? Absolutely, but she couldn’t tell if days had passed. It was Sunday afternoon. Or was it night? Whatever. It was Sunday, later in the day. She thought for a moment. It has to be at least Monday now, right?

Then, a new sound infiltrated her bubble of pseudo-death.

Faint knocking. Three raps, then five, then two, then one. The first three were slow. Deliberate. The next five were fast, like a machine gun. The next two were evenly spaced out, almost formal. The last one was just loud. Maybe that last one was actually two just really close together? She couldn’t tell.

The walls in the loft were so dingy and thin that she could just barely hear muffled talking from outside. Sounded like a whole group of people. Maybe she knew them? It just felt fuzzy in her ears.

The loud knock came back, though it was more like a thud that time. Then again, then again. If Sunset could tense up, she would have, but she couldn’t even feel the wet denim clinging to her legs. Her eyes flicked as much as they could to the bathroom door, which was closed and locked shut anyway.

“—lives there?” a voice asked. She wasn’t sure whose it was, but it did ring a bell, though she couldn’t hear the first part of the question.

“Yeah, she”—the voice trailed off for a moment, replaced with muffled rumbling—”once.”

The next voice was far too muffled to really make out anything except for the middle. “—kick it down—”

Kick it down? What are they going to kick down? My door? Sunset froze—metaphorically speaking—at the thought. Oh Celestia please, please, please not my door.

“—not kicking—”

“—in there then we have—”

“What if we just pick the lock?!” a new, obnoxiously loud voice asked. Sunset knew it. She definitely knew that voice but… it couldn’t be…

The doorknob to the front entrance rattled not shortly after. Sunset’s eyes flicked around wildly in their sockets. She tried to will herself to stand. She put every bit of effort into moving something. But with all of her exerted energy, nothing happened. Not a single muscle spasm. Not a single twitch or even… was her heart even beating? She couldn’t feel that, either. Sunset was completely… numb.

Then, at the simple sound of a door opening with a trademark squeak, everything fell apart right then and there. Sunset could do nothing but hope they’d give up. Just leave. You don’t need me. Please just leave!

“Wowie, I didn’t know you could pick locks!”

“Sure. Just about anythin’ that can be done with yer hands is somethin’ I can do.”

“You know it!”

“Girls… we came to l—”

“Oh, get yer mind outta the gutter.”

“Not what you told me last night.”

“Girls… Sun—”

“Darlings, please! We came for a reason! I am not a fan of breaking and entering so let’s look quickly, shall we?”

The rest of them shut up after that. Sunset wished they had never even come in. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck…

Footsteps spread out her modest loft. They didn’t have to look too hard to see she wasn’t around. Maybe they’d leave faster.

“I don’t see her around here. It’s not typical of her to miss work and two days of school, is it?”

It had been, then, two whole days? Sunset couldn’t believe it. Somehow it felt both shorter and much longer.

“I’m gonna call her. Maybe she’ll pick up now?”

Not the bu—

The phone buzzed on the counter. It seemed to be ten times louder than before. The scuffling around stopped entirely. Never had Sunset wished to have her telekinesis back more than she did then. Oh, why did I ever come here?

“Y’all hear that?”

It was deadly silent save for the phone buzzing.

“I think… it’s coming from in there,” a voice much, much too close to the bathroom said.

FUCK.

The door creaked open, slowly. Inch by inch, like molasses. The world slowed around Sunset as the buzzing came to an end.

If she thought it was deadly silent before, then the silence that filled the room now was something beyond death itself. From her peripheral vision, she could see her entire group of friends standing there, frozen. For a moment, she considered that the bathroom somehow had the ability to turn humans to stone as nobody moved a muscle.

At least until Fluttershy let out an ear-piercing shriek and pushed her way out of the doorway back to the main loft area. That seemed to be the catalyst that let everyone move again. Instantly, Rainbow Dash and Applejack rushed forward next to the bathtub, yelling incoherently at each other, while Pinkie Pie blabbered something that sounded like Sunset’s name. It took Rarity an extra moment, but she eventually snapped out of her stupor and stumbled back to where Fluttershy had gone wordlessly.

“Sunset! Oh my God,” Applejack exclaimed, covering her mouth with her hand.

Pinkie Pie cried out a weak whimper, slapping her hands over her face, though she stayed in the room, watching between her fingers.

Rainbow Dash gulped and reached forward, but her hand froze once it got too close to Sunset. “Holy shit…” she mumbled. The athlete turned to Applejack with tears in her eyes. “What the… what the fuck d-do we do?” she stammered.

Applejack trembled as she shook her head wordlessly. Her mouth seemed to form words, but no sound came out of her.

Sunset wanted nothing more than to speak. To say she was… there. But she couldn’t even form the words in her chest. Come on, please girls! I’m right here. Please!

Rainbow Dash’s trembling hand grabbed Sunset’s arm, lifting it from the water, though Sunset couldn’t feel it. Rainbow’s grip visibly tightened around Sunset’s wrist, before she yelped, letting it drop limply back to the water. The athlete fell backwards onto the floor and fumbled around in her pockets, shaking viscerally. “F-fuck, I’m gonna call the cops.”

Applejack squeaked something out as she turned away from the bathtub. Was she crying? Sunset couldn’t tell, but she was shaking like the room was exposed to the dead of winter.

Pinkie Pie was no longer in the bathroom.

Damn it, stop overreacting!

“W-why would she do that,” Rainbow Dash stuttered as she finally pulled her phone out. Her voice cracked on nearly every syllable. “I mean… dammit, she’s just…”

“I’m sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry,” Applejack muttered under her breath as she shifted her weight from leg to leg, repeating her mantra to herself as she pressed her palms over her ears.

Sunset stayed in the bathtub helplessly. Couldn’t they see her looking around?

Rainbow Dash choked down a sob as she stared back at Sunset and held the phone tightly to her ear. “H-hey… I… M-my friend…” The words seemed to hitch in her throat. She bit her lip and shook her head, shutting her eyes closed tight. “She… I think she…”

Applejack’s boot kicked something on the ground in her trance. Both girls whipped their heads around to look down at it, each with wet, red eyes. The blonde let out a barking cough as she choked on herself. She bent down to pick up the item. “R-Rainbow…”

The other girl took the empty pill bottle from Applejack’s hand. “S-sleeping pills?” she whispered, dropping the hand that held her phone to the side. Horrified, she looked down at Sunset, who could do nothing but watch. It was embarrassing.

“Fuck,” Applejack muttered. Sunset had never heard her say that before. “God damn it, Sunset.”

Behind them, Rarity approached and cleared her throat, though she looked directly at her feet. “I managed to calm Pinkie and Fluttershy,” she whispered.

The silence hung heavy. It was as if nobody knew what to say. Sunset wished she could talk, but her lungs felt empty. Applejack turned to Rarity. “I… wish they hadn’t seen this.” Rarity simply nodded, wiping at her mascara-stained face.

Closer to Sunset, Rainbow propped herself up with the hand that once held the pill bottle and put the phone back to her ear. “Sorry. N-no, I’m not alone. Yes, we need help.”

Pinkie appeared in the doorway. Her hair deflated like a balloon, stuck to her scalp. Rarity turned to look at her as she rubbed her teary eyes. Sunset’s gaze followed. “D-did we do something wrong?”

Rarity glanced at Pinkie. Through an unspoken communication, Rarity opened her arms and let Pinkie embrace her tightly. Sunset noted that the fashionista didn’t respond.

“My f-friend,” Rainbow tried again, steadier now that Applejack rubbed her forearm slowly. “She… overdosed.”

Applejack stiffened, but continued her calming motion, though she gazed absently at the pill bottle somewhere on the ground near them.

“On what? Sleeping pills. I-it doesn’t matter. She’s—”

Alive! I’m here. Why can’t you see that?

“—Dead.”

The word burned against Sunset’s ears and echoed in her skull. I’m not dead, she argued to nobody but herself. It didn’t work!

Sunset Shimmer was… she was alive through it all. She had failed! Again! There was no way she was dead. If she was dead, how could she be sitting in the bathtub in her own body? It didn’t make sense. She had to be alive. She just had to be.

The thought made her mind reel. She wanted so much to just die, so why was she fighting so hard to argue that she was alive? Her friends came to look for her. They actually came. So did they really care? Sunset wanted to get up; to scream, or cry, or do anything. She wanted to move one damn muscle. But nothing happened. Nothing ever happened.

She sat wordlessly as Rainbow Dash gave the emergency operators her address and hung up limply. All she could do was stare helplessly. If they would just… look harder, they would see she wasn’t really dead.

Applejack put the hand she used to comfort Rainbow Dash on her forehead and turned away, rubbing under her blonde bangs. She glanced toward the toilet, frowned, and flushed it. “God damn,” she whispered. “This ain’t right.”

“I don’t get it,” Rainbow stated flatly. Her voice barely came out as anything more than at a regular volume, but thanks to the general quietness of the situation, it made it seem like she was yelling. “I-I just don’t get why she’d do this.”

Sunset tried to jump and yell and kick and explain but nothing happened. She was still. Painfully still. It made her want to roar in frustration, but she couldn’t even do that. All she could do was sit there, not quite floating in the water, but not quite sunk all the way.

Applejack sputtered like a broken-down car. “I-I dunno,” she admitted. “I mean, I guess I knew that she was gettin’... teased, but I never thought—”

“It was not teasing,” Rarity interrupted from her corner in the bathroom. She still clung to Pinkie Pie, stroking her hair as the normally boisterous girl stood like a limp balloon. Her voice was a knife, cutting through the thick silence in the air. “It was outright bullying. Harassment. And we never did anything about it.”

“Did we do something wrong?” Pinkie muttered again, repeating her question from before weakly into Rarity’s shirt.

“I… We didn’t do anythin’,” Applejack said slowly with realization. “We didn’t do anythin’, and that’s w-why she’s…”

Rainbow Dash crossed her arms. “It’s not our fault,” she argued weakly.

“But we coulda helped her,” Applejack retorted. “We didn’t even know she needed help.”

“I can’t believe I never noticed,” Pinkie squeaked. She clutched Rarity tighter, ignoring Rarity’s discomfort. “I’m s-supposed to know when I need to cheer someone up.”

“It’s not your fault, Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash butted in. Wiping a tear from her cheek she shook her head. “I don’t get why she would do t-this, but we can’t feel bad about it like we made her do it.”

Applejack gave a non-committal grunt, but nodded, pulling her hat over her face. “I guess.”

They’re talking like I’m actually dead, Sunset thought, almost amused by the situation. The frustration was gone and morbid acceptance replaced it. I… Am I dead?

It made sense. Maybe her plan had worked, after all. For once, something she planned hadn’t fallen through. But, then... why wasn’t she happy about it?

Sunset’s arms tingled, but she couldn’t move them. Blue-green eyes glanced at them. They floated in the water uselessly, shrivelled up and bloated. I’m dead, aren’t I? I got what I wanted. She tried to breathe but found that she couldn’t. Dead people don’t breathe.

Sirens faded into the sniffling silence. Everyone stiffened at once, glancing at each other before turning to the loft. Fluttershy stumbled in, tear-stricken face red and wet. “I t-think the… the police is coming,” her broken, meek voice cut through the thick silence.

Sunset trembled, but her body didn’t move. She blinked and turned her head to her friends, but her body didn’t move. Her body didn’t move, and yet she did. It was like learning to walk all over again, except she couldn’t brace on anything. Sunset held her non-existent breath and leaned forward for a better view of her friends. Her curiosity got the better of her, however, and she looked behind her.

Her own body looked back at her, though with shut eyelids. Sunset looked at herself and grimaced. The world began to fade with the confirmation as sirens grew louder but dimmed at the same time. “I… I’m dead,” she whispered to no one as she stared at her lifeless form.

The knocking came back. Applejack was the first up, and the only one to leave the bathroom, albeit with wobbly legs. She exited the room and faded into white oblivion as the room grew brighter and brighter. Sunset sat in the bathtub, watching her own body float uselessly in it. Soon after, everyone filed out of the room, and the world went white.

Regret pained Sunset as she yelled her friend’s names.

Nobody heard her.

Author's Note

If you are in crisis or need help, please seek help.
Here is a list of resources.

You are loved.