Anonymous in Nu-Questria 2

“Well, Twilight, that’s the thing about changelings...”

You are Anon. You are churning a heavy stone mortar and pestle.

“I always liked ‘em better back when they had holes.” You say to yourself with a grin.

The joke does little to lift your spirits. Your arms ache. The beaded sweat on your brow runs together and drips off your chin.

“Oh this? Oh, just a little hobby I’ve been working on in my spare time... you know.”

Sure, you don’t technically have an alchemy license, but the last time you fucking checked, Celestia’s “Sunshine Decrees” don’t count in any of the protected wild territories. Your property is technically still within the bounds of the Hollow Shades woodlands, so you don’t need to report your alchemical inventory to any fucking magistrate or imperial authority.

“Grh.” You strain and grunt. “Come back with a fucking... warrant.”

Your arms give in. You can’t stir any more. You drop the mortar and it clunks against the side of the bowl. You wearily wipe your brow with your bare forearm. You fling the sweat behind you and pick up a rag to dab your forehead dry.

Alright. One more time.

After drying your hands, you take your measuring scoop and carefully pack it with an even mix of the powder. The small ruby-like beads of congealed dragon’s breath glint in the light of the nearby globe lantern. It took a long fucking time to work out the right ratio, but you think this mixture should be just the thing to give it the right kick. To punch that slug nice and hard. Yeah.

You exhale slowly as you tap the powder carefully into the funnel. You watch it sink into the cold, steel barrel. You remove the funnel and grab the heavy lead pellet. You thread it carefully into the barrel, then pack it down with the ram rod.

You turn towards the wooden bench where the test vices are waiting, jaws agape. The light from the globe lantern casts your shadow down the improvised gun range you carved from the light, tan stone.

You clamp the barrel to the vices on the testing bench. You tighten the screws extra hard with the wrench, despite the sudden, sharp pain in your finger joints.

You sure hope this barrel holds. If those griffins didn’t sell you the right kind of steel then you’re gonna have to break some fucking beaks the next time you visit Manehattan.

Alright. You toss the wrench into the toolbox. One more time.

You put in the wick. You wipe your hands on your shirt, then you strike a match against the roughly hewn wood of the bench.

The fuse ignites and you quickly dash behind cover and cup your ears.

You wait. You listen.

The bang comes swiftly, taking you by surprise. The report of the gun sends a shockwave through your chest as it reverberates in the small tunnel. Your ears ring with a high pitched whine.

Fucking hell...

You peer around the corner of the stone wall. The tunnel is covered in thick, white smoke, but you can pick out crimson flames and embers in the sloped rock wall.

The smoke clears and you see a perfectly round hole punched through the iron target. The metal is charred with a thick, black residue. You can see pulverized stone where it struck the back wall.

Damn, well that fucking worked.

You lean forward and try to line up the gun barrel and the hole it made in your vision. You put a pinkie finger in your ear to try and stop the pitched whine.

Looks pretty much straight on. Well, damn. It took a long ass time, but now it looks like you finally found a shred of human dignity in this world. It’s your right as a citizen to be able to defend yourself, after all. Not to mention, it’s only a matter of time before some shit goes down.

This time you aren’t going to hide out and wait for it to blow over. Nope. You’re gonna defend what you’ve built. You have the right, god dammit. Certain assurances must be made, no matter what Celestia and her half-pint purple piglet might think.

You hear some kind of shrill shrieking sound trying to break through the high-pitched whine as you rub your ears. It sounds like a different kind of whine, mixing and stabbing into the first.

You cringe and turn to the door. There’s a batpony mare standing there. Her yellow, slitted eyes pulse as she shouts, her fangs are bared and her forked tongue flashes in her mouth.

“A knob!” The batpony mare says in a muffled shriek.

“What?” You say. You try to move your jaw and pop your ears.

“Airs uh waffle born bee site!” You think you hear her shout.

“What?!” You yell. You finally work your eardrums loose and the tinnitus fades.

“I said there’s a fucking alicorn outside, you dumbass! Why is she here?!” Valerie says with a bitchy glare.

“Really? Fuck, what color?” You ask as you press your thumb and index finger against the bridge of your nose.

“Purple.” She says.

“God fucking dammit.” You say.

You whirl around to your workbench and yank open a metal drawer. You pull out a hand-rolled cigarette from the bunch, one with only tobacco inside. You slam the drawer shut and strike another match.

“Is there something you wanna tell me?” Valerie says in her standard accusatory tone as she takes a step into the tunnel.

You wave out the match and puff the cigarette.

“Settle down. She’s probably just trying to get me to go to that fucking school again.” You say as you take a long drag on your cigarette. The cherry burns hot as you suck in the smoke.

“Go make her leave. I don’t want her coming in here. Do I make myself clear?” Valerie says, her leathery purple wings flare out. Her teal fauxhawk is pointed like a venomous stinger. Her fluffy ears are folded back. She’s always becomes such a cunt when she’s even a little anxious.

You exhale a long plume of smoke. You clear your throat to disrupt the tingle of unfiltered tobacco.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ll take care of it, fuzz tits. I know.” You say in a low grumble.

Valerie’s eye slits narrow. “Fucking asshole.” She says and then stomps out of the tunnel and the hidden, pony-sized door.

You take another short drag. You wait until you hear the bedroom door slam.

You crouch down and waddle through the small door. You turn and carefully close it behind you, hearing the tiny latch click into place. You reach up and pull the cord overhead, releasing the heavy tapestry. It unfurls down the wall and perfectly obscures the entrance, but you kick the folds a few times to be sure.

You amble along the hall towards the front of your ranch-style home, the floorboards creaking and shifting beneath your slippers.

You glance out the front window. Yep. There’s Twiggles. The soon-to-be ruler of all Equestria just standing right on the steps of your porch. You decide to take your time walking to the door.

You hesitate for a moment as you reach towards the handle. You look down at your white t-shirt and its stains of black grease and yellow cooking oil. Your grungy sweatpants have holes in the knees. You’re wearing your fuzzy slippers. Yeah. Perfect attire for another royal meeting.

You pull open the thick, human-sized wooden door and step out in front of it. You hold your cigarette with two fingers and take a long drag as you fling open the screen door and step onto the porch, letting it bang with a flimsy shudder as it strikes the side of the house.

Twilight Sparkle, the princess of friendship, greets you with a blank, observant stare.

You exhale a cloud of smoke across the porch which quickly rises up to the ceiling in a haze. You shrug your shoulders and throw your hands out to the sides.

“Yeah?” You ask in an obstinate tone.

Twilight glares at you for a moment and lightly coughs. You stare back coldly as you lean against the doorway. Your shoulder traps the screen door open.

“Anonymous. I have come across development that pertains to your presence here in Equestria, and I feel that is is my obligation as your friend and future Princess to inform you of it.” She says in a neutral, diplomatic tone.

“Uh huh.” You say.

She looks a bit taller since the last time you saw her. Still not quite up to Celestia's height, but the alicorn juices are certainly kicking in. She must have also used another fucking privacy-violating scrying spell to find your house.

It’s tucked under the overhang of a cliff at the edge of the woodlands, so its virtually invisible to see from the air. No roads leading to it but an overgrown footpath through the far canyon, and no one should know where it is except for you and a select few “work contacts.”

Twilight blinks. She takes a short breath and adopts a more sympathetic voice.

“Anon, I know you think that I forgot about your original request. You know, the one you asked me a short while after we met?" She says.

You stare blankly. Twilight continues.

"You asked me if there was a way to send you back to your own world. Back to planet Earth. I believe I have found the answer. If you are willing, I would like to have a brief discussion with you about-”

You chuckle under your breath. Twilight stops and purses her lips tightly. You admire the cigarette in your fingers for a bit.

“What? Go back?” You say. You cough and then spit a wad of phlegm onto the porch. You wave your hand in a sweeping gesture.

“Why would I want that, Twilight?” You say with a smile. “Take a look around. I got it all figured out now.”

She grimaces slightly.

You glance around your homestead. Beyond the porch is your yard with its weed-ridden garden, its budding green tomatoes and rows of sprouting vegetables, its low stack of wooden chicken coops, its rusted heap of junk metal, tangled with vines.

“I’d say I’m doing pretty well for myself, Princess. I don’t need your help.” You say. “I’d say you’re a few years too late. Sorry. I’m a citizen now. I own real estate. I make my own living. I even have a new gal, and lemme tell ya, she really knows a good suck!”

You make a face and hang your mouth open. Twilight just rolls her eyes.

“Alright Anon, if you truly think that-”

“Yeah, Twilight. Yeah. She’s the one this time. I can really tell.” You say. You waggle a finger knowingly. “Keeps me up all night too, you know how those ‘children of the night’ are, hah.”

You laugh under your breath.

“Anon,” Twilight says, shaking her head with an exasperated sigh, “Why are you like this?”

You shrug and glance to the side.

“You don’t consider me your friend any more, Anon. I understand that.” She says. “But here I am trying to help you with the thing that’s been troubling you the entire time you’ve been here - the entire time I’ve known you! And you couldn’t care less.” She says.

She lowers her gaze, her ears droop down to the sides. “What caused this? Why do you-”

“Oh, I dunno, Twilight!” You say. You casually flick the half-finished cigarette over the railing of the porch, where it fizzles out in a marshy puddle on your lawn.

“Maybe it’s because all of the ‘friends’ I have from Ponyville are now professors at that gaudy, crystal eyesore you call a school. Maybe it gets a little busy teaching a class full of students along with, I dunno, running a business or holding on to a high-stakes career. Spending time with family members. Not to mention making time for the odd friendship quest. Maybe that huh? Maybe they’re too busy to spend time with any of their friends, much less me.”

Twilight folds her ears back and narrows her eyes at you. You sweep your hand up in another sarcastic shrug.

“Plus, you know most have shacked up already. Pinkie is seeing that fucking unfunny cheese clown, Discord is teabagging Fluttershy on the nightly, and Applejack and Rainbow Dash are so far in the closet they’re finding Hearth’s Warming Eve decorations. Maybe, just maybe, any of that might have something to do with it? Huh? They all... moved on!”

Twilight looks at you defiantly, but maintains her cool. You shrug again.

“Or maybe it’s because everywhere I go now I have to flash my Creature Papers at some dopey train conductor or barman and wait for them to read out the list of my special dietary requirements and physiological features just so I can get on a fucking train or buy a goddamn drink? Huh? You wanna tell me why you thought that was a good idea?”

Twilight shakes her head, nonplussed.

“Anon, what are you talking about? The creature friendship initiatives we launched benefit all creatures, especially you! It’s never been easier for a human to integrate into a pony community!” She says exasperatedly.

“Yeah, yeah. Just takes away all the mystique is all, Twilight. I’m not special anymore. No one is.” You say. “Everycreature is the same now. Everycreature equal and joined together in the big homogeneous blob of friendship. Hooray. Great job.”

You lean back against the door frame and gaze off to the side.

Twilight keeps staring for a bit. She takes a short breath.

“Anon, I still don’t understand why you continue to behave in this way. Did you really expect none of my friends to move on? We all have goals, Anon. Aspirations. We want to grow and prosper in life, and...” She pauses. “And I guess you just want to have a good time.”

You shrug. “Maybe, Twilight. Maybe.”

“Anon, please. If you are truly unhappy, if you truly believe you can no longer find a place here with us...” Twilight says, “I shall do the noble thing and send you back to your home world. Safely and unharmed.”

You think about it for about a half a second before you reach the same old conclusion you made. Those long, sleepless nights in the train cars and back alley hotels were good for something. You realized don’t need to go back to Earth. Nothing waiting for you there.

“Nah.” You say, scrunching up your face. “I’m good, Twilight.”

Twilight starts again. “Anon, I can send you back to your own time, right when you-”

“I said I’m good, Twi.” You say, shooting her an impatient glare.

Twilight looks over your disheveled and uncaring figure like a stubborn stain in a treasured ball gown. Her studious eyes still linger with some ever-present hope that a solution to your current state of affairs will spring forth like a long-forgotten secret.

With a huff, she finally speaks up. “Alright, Anon.”

Her wings unfurl and she looks behind at a navy blue saddlebag adorned with her royal crest. Her horn glows and a small music box floats out from beneath the flap. She lifts it to an outstretched forehoof and lets the spell fade.

“But if you ever want to reconsider, or even... just talk to me for a while, just hold this box and speak into it. I’ll be on the other side, okay?" She says.

You look over the box. It seems to be small wooden music box with gold floral motifs etched in spiraling patterns over its surface. There’s a small latch, and you just know it has some saccharine tune that plays when it opens.

“Oh, is that your phone number?” You say with a snort. “Sorry, I already have a marefriend, Twi.”

“Just take it.” She grumbles.

You turn and sigh. You raise your hand up and flip your palm open.

Twilight zips the box into your hand with a quick burst of magic.

“Alright...” You say as you grip it loosely in your hand.

Twilight gives you a small, approving nod and begins to turn away. Her head stays pointed to you for a moment before she takes a step off the porch and looks up to the sky.

“Fare well, my human friend. I hope we can meet again soon.” She says as her wings stretch out.

Yeah, don’t let the tree branches hit your rapidly expanding ass on the way out, Twiggles.

With a might push of her larger-than-average wings, the Princess takes wing and soars out above the distant pine trees. You wait for her to disappear, standing firm in the doorway. As soon as she’s gone you pitch the music box into the yard. It lands in a patch of mud near the garden. You don't give it a second look.

You want another smoke. You want a cold drink. This shit has got to stop already.

“Anon! Get inside now!” a shrill voice cries out from the dark hall behind you.

God dammit.

You lean off the screen door and let it close on its own from spring tension. You whip around and close the heavy front door tight.

“Coming, my dear.” You say in a dulcet tone.

You make it about halfway through the small living room before she appears from the hallway. Her scornful glare burns like the headlamps of a semi truck coming down the freeway.

You stop and just stand here as she approaches. Well, here it comes.

“Tell me what is going on. Now!” Valerie screams, her voice cracking a bit at the end.

“Look, okay. Okay.” You say, splaying out your fingers in a passive motion, “She wasn’t here for you, alright? There’s nothing-”

“So was she here for you?! Why are you still talking to her?! Have you been meeting her behind my back?!” Valerie screams, the sharp points of her wings are curved menacingly out to the sides.

“No. She doesn’t mean anything to me, alright?” You say in a calm voice.

She takes a step forward, her fluffy ears fold back and she sneers. “That’s what your little business trip really was about, wasn’t it? You were going to see her?”

“No Val, please.” You say.

Valerie throws her head back. Her body shimmers with a piercing green aura and a gout of ethereal green flames swirl up her legs. It engulfs her body briefly as her figure instantly changes underneath. Before you now stands a perfect copy of Twilight Sparkle.

“Tell me the truth! Is this what you want?” She says defiantly, her bitchy way of speaking now coming through Twilight’s voice.

You grit your teeth and cringe. Just because she’s one of the few unreformed changeling drones out there, she has a constant persecution complex and dislikes other ponies almost as much as you do. You used to feel sorry for her. Not any more.

You look off to the side. “No.” You say in grim tone.

You hear her flap into the air. Out of the corner of your eye the blurry purple form hovers in front of you.

“Look at me.” She says.

You sigh angrily and roll your gaze to the ground. You look below her. You try to quell the rising anger. You feel the tension between you, like the spring of a mousetrap about to snap. Another fucking fight, and there’s nothing you can say to stop it.

You clench your fist, raise your gaze to her false violet eyes and slowly relax your hand after.

She studies your face with a disgusted glare for a moment. “Well, hm?” She asks before changing again with a shimmer to a cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane.

“How about now? Hm?” She says in a gruffer, tomboyish voice. “This is more your speed. Is this it, Anon? Is this the mare that got away?”

You clench your teeth and your eye twitches. “Fucking stop. Just stop.”

She grins and drops to the floor in front of you. You stand your ground. With another flash of green flame, she changes to an orange earth pony with a long, blond mane.

“C’mon now, tell the truth, Anon! That’s what an honest guy would do.” She says, raising a forehoof at you.

God fucking dammit. First Twilight bitches at you and now this?

“Wow, a changeling lecturing me about honesty, how fucking ironic!“ You put a hand on her head and shove her to the side. “Get out of my way.”

She stumbles a bit, but regains her balance. You walk around her towards the hall. You hear a rising scream as Val tries to tackle you from behind.

The force of her lunge shoves you forward, but you keep your footing. She instantly wraps her forelegs around your chest. She pulses with another flash of green light and becomes a bat pony again. You twist and try to wriggle her off your back.

“Hooves off, bitch!” You shout and try to pry her loose. She flaps her bat-like wings quickly as she grips you tighter.

“Answer me! Do you want me to die off you sick bastard?!” She screams right behind your head.

“No!” You shout, with a burst of sudden strength your weary fingers manage to wrench her hooves off you, you push her back by her forelegs and she floats backwards in the air. You spin around and raise your hands to deflect her again.

Instantly she zooms up to you. You manage to catch her forehooves, but her hind hooves clasp around your waist and dig in tight. The force of it pushes you back against the wall, but luckily you are caught by the tapestry.

She leans forward, hissing with her long, forked tongue between her fangs. “No? You fucking love it, don’t you? Which one to do want me to be tonight?”

You fume. “You’re a fucking, awful, toxic bitch, Val, and I rue the day I ever met you.” You say through clenched teeth.

She presses her body close to you. “Oh yeah, baby. Keep talking just like that...” She says in a sultry voice. She runs her tongue along your lips and then forces her muzzle against your mouth. You open your mouth and let her kiss you, not fighting back, but not reciprocating.

You hold her around her barrel with your arms, taking the moment of pacification to start walking down the hall. She snakes her forked tongue along your mouth, licking your teeth and breathing hotly against you. You accidentally let her flank get too close to one of the shelves and it knocks an old stack of magazines to the floor.

You make it to the bedroom and you toss her to your queen-sized bed. “Ahahah!” She cackles as she falls down onto her back, her hooves aloft in the stagnant air.

You cross your arms and glare at her. With a devious grin, she spreads her back legs and runs a hoof over the fluffy patch of fur on her chest. Her tongue lolls out of her opened mouth as she lets out a sensual moan.

You feel like locking her in here again, but you know she’ll keep pestering you. She’s simply begging for her daily slice of bread.

“On second thought... why don’t you go ahead and change back into Twilight and I’ll really give you something to feel sorry about.” You say. You heatedly tug at the drawstring to your sweatpants.

Valerie’s eyes light up with vicious splendor as her body writhes.