Pinkie Pie’s Pineapple Pursuit
Applejack was having one of the best mornings this apple season. She was way ahead of her sales goals for the day, and the sun wasn’t even halfway across the sky. Register’s gettin’ mighty full, weather’s nice, and day’s been peaceful, she thought contentedly.
“Applejack! Applejack!” called a familiar bubbly voice. Pinkie Pie was hopping towards the market stall, wearing her signature smile.
“Well, t’was nice while it lasted,” Applejack dryly mumbled as her pink friend sidled up to the counter. Pinkie leaned her face towards the farmer, with her typical lack of respect for personal space.
“Applejack, I’m so glad you’re here! Of course you’re always here because it’s your stall, unless you’re apple bucking. Then you’re at Sweet Apple Acres. Oh, I love Sweet Apple Acres. You grow lots of types of apples. There are Golden Delicious apples, Red Gala apples, Macintosh apples. Hey, that’s your brother’s name! Applejack, did you know that your brother was named after an apple? If I was an apple I would be a Pink Lady!”
Inside Applejack’s cranium, a baby headache was born. She interrupted Pinkie’s tangent, “Sugarcube, y’all know Ah’d love to talk with ya, but Ah’m workin’ right now. Is there somethin’ Ah can help ya with?”
“Oh yeah!” chirped Pinkie, suddenly remembering her reason for visiting, “So I was at Sugarcube Corner and I got hungry, so I wanted to eat a cupcake, but Mrs. Cake said I shouldn’t eat so many cupcakes because too many are bad for me. Can you believe it? How can cupcakes be bad for me when they are so yummerific? Anyway, Mrs. Cake said I should eat more fruit. So I tried to make a fruit salad, but I’m missing an ingredient and you’re like the fruitiest of all the fruit ponies in Ponyville, and you’re my friend so I know you’ll help me.”
“So...” Applejack replied, trying to disassemble Pinkie’s meanderings, “ya’ll wanna buy some apples?”
“Yuppers.” nodded Pinkie Pie.
Applejack brightened. “Well why didn’t ya say so in the first place, sugarcube? Now what type of apple ya fancy?”
“One pineapple, please,” her friend politely requested.
Applejack’s headache graduated from elementary to middle school.
“Pinkie Pie, did ya eat expired buttercream again? Ya’ll know pineapples ain’t a type of apple, right?”
Pinkie pouted, crossing her forelegs across her chest. “Well, why not? The word’s got apple in it. Ipso facto, it must be a type of apple!”
“Ya know ya can go to grocery store and buy one.”
Pinkie shook her head. “But I want the best, which means an authentic Sweet Apple Acres pineapple!”
“There ain’t no such thing!” Applejack snapped.
The headache started its freshman year of high school.
“Pinkie, leavin’ off the fact a pineapple ain’t an apple, we wouldn’t grow em here anyways. Pineapples are tropical fruit and grow best near the equator. Ponyville’s situated inna temperate zone.”
Pinkie rubbed her chin. “So you’re saying I need to go to Equindor? I don’t know... airship tickets are kinda pricey.”
Applejack face hoofed and sighed, “Equator, Pinkie, not Equindor.”
The headache had graduated high school and been accepted into an Ivy League university.
“Look, you see ma cutie mark?” she gestured to the trio of apples on her flank. “Apples, ma family knows how to grow em. What you need is a pony with a pineapple cutie mark.”
“You’re right!” cried Pinkie. She reached into her mane, produced a pinecone and pushed it towards the farmer. “Applejack, this is a pinecone.”
“Ah know what it is, Pinkie,” Applejack stated, getting more annoyed. “Question is why ya have it?”
“Oh, I was going to eat it.”
Applejack scowled in disgust. “Ewww... Pinkie, ya can’t eat pinecones.”
Pinkie shook her head in disagreement. “Sure you can. Toast em, add a little salt and some melted butter, MMMMmmm, delicious,” she said, rubbing her belly. “Mommy Pie made them all the time. Besides, that’s not important. Applejack, meet your new fiance!”
The headache graduated Magna Cum Laude.
“Welp, that makes perfect sense,” Applejack deadpanned, rolling her eyes.
“I know!” Pinkie exclaimed obliviously. “You marry pinecone, then you have a foal. You can name her Pineapple Apple. She’ll grow up to be a pineapple farmer and have a pineapple cutie mark. Then she’ll sell me a pineapple and I’ll have a Sweet Apple Acres pineapple for my fruit salad. Everypony wins!”
The headache realized a philosophy degree doesn’t secure employment in the ‘real world’ and was forced to move back in with its parents, who nagged it about wasting four years. The argument felt like a needle behind Applejack’s eye.
She was fed up. “Look! Apples grow from what they call deciduous trees and pineapples are herbaceous plants … and ya have no idea what Ah’m sayin’ do ya?”
“Nope.”
Applejack’s face met the counter. “Why don’t ya go ask Twilight?”
Pinkie Pie let out a gasp. “That’s a great idea! Twilight will know how you can grow a pineapple. She’s the most smart-smarty-pants pony in all of Ponyville!” She spun in the air and zipped off towards the library, leaving a pink streak in her wake.
Silently, Applejack profusely apologized to the librarian. Deciding she needed to lie down, she closed the apple stall early. The headache still hadn’t moved out.
Twilight Sparkle was having one the best mornings this month. She was done studying, Spike was done sweeping, and her paper on ‘Differences Between Pegasus and Griffin Wing Physiology’ was near completion. Almost done, then it will finally be time for a nice, relaxing read. Perhaps I could start Daring Doo and the Crab with the Golden Claws, she thought.Putting the final touches on her report, she levitated the novel and opened it to the first page. Ahh... now for some peaceful reading.
“Twilight! Twilight!” Pinkie barged into the library, scattering Twilight’s carefully stacked papers, her dissertation drifting through an open window. A passing bird promptly passed by and plucked it from the air with the intent to use it for nesting material. “Well, that was predictable,” Twilight grumbled, tossing her book over a shoulder. “What is it this time, Pinkie Pie?”
“Well… I was talking to Mrs. Cake, and then I wanted a fruit salad. Then I went to Applejack to buy a pineapple but she wouldn’t sell me one even though it’s got ‘apple’ in the name. So then I said, ‘Hey, marry this pinecone so you can have a foal, who’ll sell me a pineapple!’ And she was like ‘Nu uh!’ and I was like, ‘Uh huh!’ Then she got mad and said some really big words and told me to ask you. So here I am and... Twilight, why are banging your face on the table?”
Twilight made a mental note to have words with the farmer later. “Oh, no reason! It’s not like you’ve caused me to lose a whole day’s work, broken down my door, or come spouting nonsense about tropical fruit!” the librarian seethed.
“Well, as long as you’re not upset,” chirped Pinkie, her sarcasm detector permanently disabled. She bounced in place, seemingly unable to stand still. “So? How do we get pinecone and Jackie together?” She held up the conifer for her friend’s inspection.
Twilight let out a sigh of frustration. “Pinkie, did you eat spoiled meringue again?”
“Maybe,” Pinkie replied, stretching the word like taffy.
Twilight face-hoofed. “Fine. First of all this is a female pinecone. Second—”
“Twilight, I’m shocked! I can’t believe one my best friends is so closed minded!” Pinkie interrupted with a glare. “There’s nothing wrong with same sex marriage!” She pointed accusingly at the shocked unicorn. “Twilight, you might be a bigot.”
Twilight reeled as if slapped. “What? I’m not a bigot, Pinkie! I don’t have a problem with same sex couples!” she replied defensively. “I do have a problem with presumptuous, pestering, pink ponies.”
“What’s your problem with Daisy?”
“Arrrgh! I can’t believe I’m having this conversation!” Twilight held her head.
“Why can’t you believe it, Twilight? Anyway, we can discuss your backwards views on marriage equality later. Right now I need information on getting a pineapple.”
Twilight decided that the faster she gave Pinkie what she wanted, the faster she would leave. “Okay, you want a pineapple? Go to the store and buy one.”
“Nope, I want a Sweet Apple Acres pineapple.”
“Fine! Buy a pineapple, cut off the crown, plant the crown in a pot of the farm’s soil and grow your own pineapple!”
Pinkie chortled, “Silly Twilight, you can’t grow fruit that way, you need a seed.”
“The books say—”
“Poor, poor Twilight, which one of us grew up on a farm?” Pinkie patted her friend’s mane. Twilight didn’t appreciate being patronized.
“You did.”
“So who would know more about growing things, silly?”
Twilight eyes narrowed. “Wait… are you implying you’re more knowledgeable than I am?”
“When it comes to farming, sure,” Pinkie said with a grin.
The purple mare could not believe what she was hearing. Pinkie? Smarter than her? Out of the question! Her ears fell flat and she postured aggressively. “Oh, yeah? Well, I challenge you to a contest, Pinkie!” she snorted, stamping a hoof.
“A pie eating contest?” Pinkie asked hopefully.
“No, a pineapple growing contest. Whoever can grow a mature pineapple first wins.”
Pinkie gave her opponent a smug look. “What do I get when I win?” She could best a city pony at gardening.
Twilight tapped her chin. “How about... I clean Sugarcube Corner for a week?”
“Hmmm… nah. Too easy,” Pinkie replied, an evil glint in her eye. “If I win, you have to go without reading anything for a whole week.”
“You monster!”
“Hey, if you don’t feel confident, we can just say I am smarter and forget about it.” Pinkie stuck out her tongue, further enraging her opponent.
Twilight threw up her hooves. “Fine! And when I win, you’ve got to go without sweets for a whole week!” she countered, eliciting a cry of horror.
“And you call me a monster! Okay, I accept. Let’s shake on it.”
Immediately both mares spun around and shook their rumps in the air. Pinkie looked back at Twilight with respect. “Not bad, Sparkle. You’re learning.”
Twilight grinned back. “Or maybe you’re becoming predictable, Pie.”
Pinkie backed out of the library, not breaking eye contact until she was out the door. Once outside, she disappeared in a pink blur.
As soon as Pinkie left her sight, Twilight scrambled. Any books related to plants and gardening were tossed to the floor. Spike would be upset, but she couldn’t let Pinkie get ahead of her. Going without reading for any period was... was inconceivable.
“Spike,” she yelled up the stairs, “I need you to go to the grocery store.”
The young dragon appeared at the top of the landing, disgruntled. He had gone shopping just yesterday.
“Twilight, I already bought everything we need.”
“Look, I don’t have time to explain, but I made a bet with Pinkie Pie and now I need pineapples.”
Spike gave her a confused look. “Umm, are you going to eat them?”
“Uggh, no. We’re going to see who can grow one first.”
“So, let me get this straight. You, a unicorn with no gardening experience, have challenged an earth pony, who was raised on a farm, to a contest to grow fruit?”
She nodded.
He fell on the floor laughing. “You’re crazy, Twilight! There’s no way this can end well! And making a bet with Pinkie Pie, that’s just dumb. What were you thinking?”
“I can win this, Spike! I have science, I have magic, and I have books! Pinkie Pie will just do something crazy and fail!”
Spike wiped the tears from his eyes. “Okay, okay. So what happens if you lose? You have to wear a clown costume in public or something?”
“No, I just have to go without reading for a week.”
Spike’s entire world stopped. Oh... Oh Celestia’s beard no! he thought. Visions of darkness danced in his mind. Ponyville burned while his caretaker rampaged through the streets. Her withdrawal symptoms caused her to turn screaming ponies into newspapers, magazines, and *gasp* cheap paperback romances. “How many do you want?”
“Three will be fine,” she said, scanning more books and missing the tableau of emotions running across the dragon’s face.
“I’llberightbackbye!” Spike zoomed out of the library, praying he was fast enough to save the town.
Applejack let out a yawn, as she climbed the stairs to the second floor of her family’s home. It had been a full day of apple bucking and she was looking forward to a well earned rest. After reading Apple Bloom a bedtime story and kissing her sister goodnight, the farmer walked to her bedroom. Hanging up her Stetson, she snuggled under the covers and started to doze.
Shifting her body, she felt something poking her rump. Fearing some poisonous creepy-crawly had made residence in her bed, Applejack sprung off her mattress and whipped off the sheets.
“What in tarnation?”
What greeted her was the bizarre sight of a pinecone ‘dressed’ in a little pink nightie. Along with the ‘sexily’ clad conifer were a heart shaped box of chocolates, a red rose, and a pink love note written in crayon. Applejack squinted at the hoof writing.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Let’s make a foal,
Me and You
Applejack crumpled the note and swept the other items off the bedspread. A certain pink party pony with no sense of privacy had been messing around in her room and Applejack wasn’t going to stand for it.
“Pinkie Pie, me an’ you are gonna have a long talk about respecting another pony’s private space,” she grumbled.
“Great, AJ, I love having long talks!” Pinkie Pie burst out of the closet wearing a camera.
Anypony passing the Apple residence would have been a startled by the yell coming from Applejack’s bedroom. The sound of somepony being bucked out a window followed the yell. This was confirmed by a cerise blob flying out of said window; it was quickly followed by a similarly colored ball of paper, a scantily clad pinecone, a rose, and a box of chocolates.
“And y’all stay outta mah bedroom!” Applejack yelled, shaking a hoof at the intruder, now face-planted on the ground. “Don’t make me call the judge an’ have that restraining order reinstated, ya hear?” she said as she angrily closed the window frame and went back to bed.
On the ground, Pinkie Pie rolled onto her side and spat out a clump of dirt. “Patooy…. Wee! What a fun flight! Landing tasted awful though. Hmm… note to self, no grass or dirt flavored cupcakes. Oh well, come on, pinecone,” she said, picking up the scattered items and hopped towards home. “This isn’t over.”
Piles of books littered Twilight’s balcony. Project Pineapple, as she dubbed it, had been set up outside her bedroom. Along with the library’s botany section and pieces of lab equipment, three pineapple crowns, planted in pots, sat in the sun. They looked perfectly normal except for the alligator clips attached to their leaves. The wires ran to a large black metal box with a lightning rod sticking out the top. Twilight paced in front of the fruit plants. Her face had on what Pinkie called, ‘Twilight is frustrated and a grouchy puss’. She had spent the past week waiting for the pineapple cut offs to bud. The book, currently floating in front of her, stated it would take years for a pineapple to flower and six more months to produce a fruit. She didn’t have that sort of time! Pinkie Pie was probably doing something ‘Pinkie-ish’. She could be breaking the laws of thermodynamics right now! Twilight’s mane began to frizz at the mere thought. Spike interrupted her musing by depositing a bag of fertilizer on the floor.
“Here you are, Twilight, one bag of Green Hoof’s maximum strength plant fertilizer.”
“Thanks, Spike, just put a little in each pot and add some water while I get the rest of the experiment ready,” she said, adjusting the control box. “If my experiment works it could revolutionize farming in Equestria. Imagine cutting the growth times of plants to mere days. That ought to put a sock in Pinkie’s pie hole.” She laughed at her own pun and rubbed her hooves together. Adjustments complete, she put on a lab coat and goggles.
Spike finished watering the pots when Rainbow Dash arrived, pushing a small dark cloud. She wasn’t sure what Twilight wanted it for, but judging by her getup and the mad cackling, it looked like she was in ‘crazy scientist’ mode.
“Hey, Twilight, are you sure the Mayor said you could have this thunderhead?” she questioned, rubbing the back of her neck. “I could get in real trouble. The weather service doesn’t like us setting up thunderstorms without a permit. I’m already on the hook for Pinkie’s fiasco last month.”
Pinkie had been positive that seeding clouds with ice cream instead of dry ice would result in milkshake rain. The deluge had coated the town square in a chocolaty sludge. In the aftermath, Ponyville’s spa was packed full of sticky ponies who had been caught in the storm. The Equestrian Weather Service put Rainbow Dash on probation and attached a formal reprimand to her record. She had been lucky the EWS’s insurance covered the lawsuits brought by ponies with dairy allergies. The only beings who had been pleased with the disaster were Pinkie Pie and the swarm of flies attracted to the sugary mess.
“I squared everything with Mayor, don’t worry, Dash.” Twilight already had Mayor Mare in her pocket. In exchange for overlooking any late fees and putting any new releases of the Mayor’s favorite book series on automatic reserve, Twilight was free to commandeer any resources she wished.
Spike didn’t believe a lightning producing cloud was the safest thing to have above a structure built into a tree. Being a dragon meant he knew quite a bit about fire. Lightning equals fire, fire plus tree equals bad, fire plus tree plus books equals super bad plus freaked out librarian. “Umm, Twilight, don’t you think this is getting into the realm of mad science?”
Twilight whipped around to face Spike, glints of insanity flashing in her eyes. “Spike, what have I told you about that phrase?” she scolded.
He rolled his eyes and answered by rote, “There is no such thing as mad science, just mad ponies, but— ”
“Nope, no buts, Spike. It’s time for science.” She lowered her goggles. “Rainbow, hit it!”
The pegasus slammed down her hooves, causing a bolt to streak towards the lightning rod. On contact, the gauges of the control box lit up and the unit-fed electricity to the awaiting plants. Sparks flew from the clips attached to their leaves. Twilight crept closer for an inspection and swore she saw an aura of power around each pot.
“Yes!”
One of the pineapple plant’s leaves caught fire. Then the whole pot exploded, sending soil and flaming leaves everywhere.
“No! Spike, the circuit breaker!”
Another pot exploded before Spike could cut the power. Burning debris landed in Twilight’s mane.
“My hair is on fire! My hair is on fire!” The unicorn ran around in a panic. Spike quickly doused her with a watering can.
Rainbow Dash fell to the ground laughing, Twilight’s now bald head too hilarious for her to stay standing. “Hey, Twilight, I have a magazine with a coupon from Hair Club for Mares. Would you like me to fetch it?”
Twilight ignored her ‘friend’s’ antics; she still had one pineapple plant left. She could still win. It would just require other measures.
“Spike, get my emergency wig. We are moving on to Plan B.”
Applejack had hoped for a quiet morning, but it was not to be. It was barely ten o’clock when she spotted Pinkie Pie heading towards her. Applejack noticed the pink mare wasn’t her usually bouncy self. Instead she walked with her head lowered, looking rather upset.
“Hey, what’s the matter, sugarcube? If it’s about me throwin’ ya outta mah room. I was just tired is all,” she consoled.
“No, Applejack, it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have tried to push you and pinecone together. It doesn’t matter anyway. I caught pinecone cheating on you.” She tossed a group of photos on to counter. “The engagement is off.”
Applejack’s brow furrowed at the pictures. She couldn’t understand what she was looking at. Even rotating the snapshots didn’t make them comprehensible. Each one showed pinecone and a Golden Delicious apple in a ‘lewd’ act. Given each subject was an inanimate object, one would be hard pressed to call the pictures lascivious. The common element in each shot was a pink hoof holding the two pieces of flora together.
“Well I am off to the hospital,” said Pinkie, suddenly cheerful again. She swept the incriminating photographs back into her saddlebag. “Pinecone should be delivering anytime now. See ya, AJ.”
Applejack’s eyes twitched as she watched Pinkie bounce away. Her brain made the mistake of trying to process what she’d heard. Taking a quick look around to make sure no pony was watching, Applejack took out a small metal flask. She normally wouldn’t drink her namesake during work hours but it was labeled ‘Use In Case of Pink Madness’. She took a hearty swig, letting the alcohol dull her senses.
“One day some doctor’s gonna open up that mare’s head an find nuthin but cotton candy.”
The Books and Branches library appeared closed; a sign reading ‘Warning: Experiment in Progress. DO NOT DISTURB’ warned off even the most determined reader. All the curtains were drawn and only a few candles illuminated the ground floor giving the area a sinister appearance.
Per Twilight’s instructions, Spike had cleared a portion of the ground floor and gone upstairs to nap. A pentagram inside a circle, drawn in chalk, resided on the floor.
Twilight’s Plan B was simple. Where science failed, magic would succeed and not just any magic; black magic. At each point of the star, a fruit’s ritually ‘sacrificed’ remains rested in a bowl. The pulpy corpses consisted of two oranges, a grapefruit, a Macintosh apple, and a kumquat. The kumquat bore multiple stab wounds. At the center of the spell circle rested the surviving pineapple plant.
Twilight stood outside the circle, dressed in a black robe. The robe’s hood did an excellent job hiding her blue fright wig. She chanted harsh words, reciting from a black tome floating before her. Chains binding the book rattled as she spoke words never meant to pass pony lips. A purple haze suffused each sacrifice. Lines of magical energy snaked towards the center, the pot becoming enveloped in a similarly colored glow. Slowly, the plant sprouted a flower spike. The little pointy bulb continued to grow, taking in more energy.
Twilight’s face split into a maniac’s grin. She was so close to winning the bet she could practically hear Pinkie’s cries of disappointment already. Wanting to inspect her triumph more closely, she reached out to touch the emerging pineapple. She pushed a little too hard and cut herself on the flower spike’s barbs.
“Ouch,” she cried, pulling the hoof to her mouth. On closer inspection, it appeared to be a small wound with only a little bleeding. Twilight made a mental note to disinfect the cut later. Reexamining the blossoming pineapple, she noticed a drop of blood remained on its surface. Suddenly the blood was absorbed. The purple aura surrounding the plant changed to a terrifying red and the fruit swelled rapidly. The sound of a heartbeat came from the plant, with each beat the fruit grew larger. Sibilant whispers filled the library and her spell book started gibbering.
Twilight’s eyes widened on realizing her mistake. “Spike, lock the bedroom!” she yelled, and backed away slowly. “Oh, horseapples,” she muttered. Then the screaming started.
Meanwhile
Nurse Redheart watched the pink mare pace the waiting area. Pinkie Pie had arrived an hour earlier and been stuck outside the delivery room.
“Are the babies born yet?”
Redheart rolled her eyes. “For the last time, the doctor will let you know. Just sit and relax.”
Experience with the Cake twins had taught Pinkie some patience, but the stress was killing her. She was down to her last coffee cupcake and making paper footballs out of the paper cones next to the water cooler ended in a lecture from the nurse about wasting hospital supplies.
Finally, the doors opened and the afro sporting doctor popped out. “It’s twins!” he announced.
“Hooray!” shouted Pinkie, erupting in a spray of confetti. The doctor escorted her to the new parents.
Pinecone lay on the bed dwarfed by two pineapples wrapped in blankets. The Golden Delicious apple sat in a chair next to the bed.
“Eeeee! They are so cute!” she gasped, and proceeded to make baby talk to the infants “Who’s the most precious thing? You are!” Pinkie took the lack of response to mean the babies were sleeping. She carefully placed the twins into a baby carriage. “First we’ll show you to Applejack, so you meet your father’s side the family. Then we’ll visit Twilight. I bet she’ll be surprised.”
Thirty minutes later Pinkie was chatting up a bemused Applejack. She held up the pineapple twins to farmer.
“Aren’t they the cutest pineapples you’ve ever seen? Aren’t they? Aren’t they?”
“Well looky here, sugarcube, Ah don’ think—”
The sound of an explosion followed by screaming interrupted Applejack’s response.
“What in blue blazes? That sounded like Twilight! C’mon, Pinkie!”
The two earth ponies rushed to library only to be greeted by a bizarre scene. The library’s door was off its hinges. Twilight, a blue wig on her head, was galloping around the base of the tree. She was being chased by a floating mutant pineapple. The abomination was surrounded by a red aura; two leafy tentacles fired crimson energy beams at its prey. The fruit’s skin split vertically, revealing a maw filled with pointy fangs with drool pouring out like a waterfall. The thing let out a bestial screech as it pursued the poor librarian.
Spike stood on the balcony, trying to hear Twilight’s instructions. She only had time to yell a few words on each circuit.
“Spike!”
Blaarrrrgh!!
“Get the—”
Blaarrrrgh!!
“emergency—”
Blaarrrrgh!!
“—plans in the—”
Blaarrrrgh!!
“—file cabinet!”
“On it, Twilight!” Spike yelled.
Inside, he opened the file cabinet marked ‘Emergency Plans’ and started rifling.
“Let’s see. In case of Twilight and demonic possession. In case of Twilight finding a special somepony. In case of Twilight being dumped by special somepony, see plan in case of death or magical dismemberment of ex-special somepony. Ah-ha. Here we go, in case of plant mutation or possession via occult ritual.”
Spike opened the folder and read the instructions.
Step one, contact Princess Celestia or equivalent.
Out of curiosity, he opened another emergency plan; it contained the same single instruction. “Makes sense.” Spike shrugged and grabbed a scroll and quill.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Deranged/possessed pineapple rampaging in Ponyville. Twilight’s fault. Help.
- Spike
With a deep breath, the scroll went up in green flames, sent on its way. Spike ran back to the balcony. He looked down to see Applejack trying to lasso the flying fruit. She ended up being dragged along the trail of sticky fluids.
“Letter sent, Twilight!” He ducked back inside, just avoiding an errant energy beam.
Applejack dug her hooves into the ground trying to get some purchase. “Ah ain’t losin mah friend ta no overgrown produce!” Her efforts slowed the pineapple down, causing it to round on her. It screeched and blasted the farmer. With a pop, a Stetson wearing pineapple sat in her place. A passing bird snatched her up and flew away.
“C’mon kids! We have to save your aunt!” Pinkie, still pushing the stroller, took off after the winged thief. “Let go of Pineapplejack, bird from earlier in the story!”
Princess Celestia, Regent of the Sun, Co-Ruler of Equestria sat on her throne. Before her, the chamber buzzed with activity. Courtiers rushed messages to and fro; ponies of all social strata stood in line to petition their sovereign.
So far, the day’s requests had been easy affairs. Celestia had even spoken to the Chamberlain about finishing the docket early.
She had finished renewing the charter of the Society for Putting Things On Top of Other Things when a wisp of green flame appears and materialized a scroll.
Oh, how lovely. A message from my faithful student. this day keeps getting better and better, she thought.
On reading Spike’s missive, the Princess’s expression went from one of joyous anticipation to a face one associates with eating rotten lemons. Resisting the urge to massage her snout, the Princess clapped her hooves to gain the court’s attention.
“My little ponies, I regret to inform you I am forced to close the Day Court early.” A rumble of discontent emanated from the herd. “An incident has occurred in Ponyville which requires my immediate attention.” The crowd was not pleased.
“What did your student do this time?”
“What about my begonias?”
“This is the third time this year!”
“Trixie is still homeless!”
“Send your sister! She just sleeps all day anyway!”
“Who said that?”
All turned to see a visibly upset Princess Luna, dark, cold thunder clouds gathering around her.
“Please, sister, calm yourself. No offense was meant,” Celestia said, making a placating gesture.
“Sister, away with thee, we shall… take care of the rest of the day’s business.”
Celestia was reluctant to leave her angry sibling in charge, but Ponyville needed saving. Motioning for the guards to open a window, and taking flight, the Princess sped towards the besieged town. Once outside Canterlot’s city limits, she disappeared in a flash of teleportation.
“Is my sister out of view?” inquired Luna of a guard.
“Yes, your Highness.”
“Good, lock the doors and draw the curtains.” Rising into the air, she turned to glower at the milling crowd, and unleashed the Royal Voice. “Subjects! Prepare to be punished for thine insolence! Prepare for… KARAOKE!”
The Princess summoned a swarm of bats and transformed them into a karaoke machine. The lights dimmed and a spotlight focused on the alicorn.
She packed my bags last night pre-flight
Zero hour nine a.m.
And I'm gonna be high as a kite by then
I miss the earth so much I miss my wife
It's lonely out in space
On such a timeless flight
And I think it's gonna be a long long time
Till touch down brings me round again to find
I'm not the mare they think I am at home
Oh no no no I'm a rocket mare
Rocket Mare burning out her fuse up here alone
Princess Luna was talented in many things, art, magic, music, but as a singer she was as tone deaf as a boiled cabbage. Luna’s voice contained no range beyond loud, stilted yelling, the perfect lead for a death metal band.
Some in the audience quivered on the floor, covering their ears. Others failed to force the doors open. Some desperate ponies attempted to assault the karaoke machine only to find it protected by a magic barrier.
“Somepony, make it stop!”
“She’s murdering my favorite song!”
“Trixie’s ears are bleeding!”
The ‘singing’ continued.
On landing in Ponyville Town Square, Princess Celestia expected the sounds of panicked citizens. Instead, only an eerie silence greeted her ears and calling out gained no response. Readying her horn, she strode towards Twilight’s home. Passing through town, she noticed pineapples everywhere. Pineapples on benches, pineapples staffing market stalls, even small pineapples sitting on playground swings. Celestia’s ears perked at the sound of clashing magic and she galloped towards the source.
Twilight Sparkle held a flickering purple barrier against an onslaught of bolts coming from the flying pineapple. She had lost her hairpiece and was sweating profusely, obviously near the end of her endurance. Another strike shattered the shield, magical feedback knocking her unconscious. Before the demon could finish her off, a beam of white light struck the horror. It released a bloodcurdling scream and exploded, covering the prone unicorn in mushy bits of pulp.
On destruction of the pineapple demon, all transformed residents turned back to normal. No property damage had occurred, so most ponies shrugged off the experience and went back to their routine.
At the Books and Branches library, four ponies and a dragon sat around a table. A bald Twilight sat with a dejected expression. After rescuing her student, the Princess stayed to give her a stern lecture on the dangers of black magic. Applejack and Spike kept quiet and helped themselves to Pinkie Pie’s fruit salad and pineapple tart.
“Twilight, I am very disappointed in you. I have spoken to you repeatedly about taking magical shortcuts. You shouldn’t rush nature, do you understand?”
Twilight’s ears folded back and she hung her head; disappointing her mentor was many times worse than making her angry. “Yes, Princess, I understand.”
“I am not going to punish you this time, but I want you to promise not to summon creatures from beyond for at least a year,” Celestia said, softening her tone.
“Thank you, Princess, I promise.”
The Princess turned her attention to Pinkie. “I must compliment you on this delicious tart, Pinkie Pie. Where did you get such delicious pineapples?”
“I bought them from the grocery store, a two for one sale,” she merrily answered.
Applejack’s left eye spasmed. “But that’s what Ah told ya inna first place! What about the pinecone and the apple? What about them two babies?”
“Apples and pinecones can’t have babies, Applejack, you silly filly,” replied Pinkie, grinning.
“B-but the stroller, the love note, ya’ll in mah room, those photos,” the farmer sputtered.
Twilight, shaking her head, patted Applejack’s shoulder, as if to say ‘just let it go, mare, it’s Pinkie Pie’.
THE END
Thanks to KartalTheWriter and DeathRiseRobo for proofreading/editing
I hope you laughed and enjoyed this tale!
