Author's Note
This was the other G5 idea I had in my head before the movie was even over. Well, at least the first part.
The 'fun parts' just didn't want to write out for this in time, but I may come back and do a side-story with them later. Or an M-rated re-release. But until then, enjoy the implications! Written with “no shame” firmly in mind as the theme. In keeping with such -
I LIVE WITHOUT REGRETS!
Ideal Accomodations
Hitch Trailblazer sighed as he looked around the chaos that was Maretime Bay. Izzy and Alphabittle were making sure nopony had been hurt in the fight, while the other unicorns helped clear up the rubble. Sprout was cooling his hooves under house arrest until they could figure out what to do with him… and if he even had committed any crimes. The pegasi were helping to clean up adhesive goo that had gotten absolutely everywhere, and the earth ponies of the town were working to do a bit of everything… including trying to figure out just where they’d gone so very wrong.
Hitch was wondering much the same. Sure, he’d known Sprout wasn’t the best officer, but “borderline incompetent” was a world of difference from “borderline genocidal maniac.” He’d have to look at what happened later… once he’d had a good night’s sleep.
After the last few days, he could use one. As long as Sprout hadn’t gone and commandeered his house too.
Returning to his house, Hitch was glad to see it wasn’t a complete disaster, and had even avoided most of the mess during the attack. Stepping inside, he went back to the kitchen, hoping to find some dinner that had survived his time away.
He lived in a small house with just two bedrooms, and one of those converted into a makeshift office for the rare occasion paperwork had to come home with him. One of these days, he was going to have the sort of life that would fit here. Until then, at least there was….
Well, looking in the cupboards and fridge, there wasn’t really much that had handled the last few days well. Ramen looked like his best bet for dinner tonight, at least that didn’t go bad. He hoped.
After all, he’d only been living there for three years now… even if the papery foam cup had come with the house, like he suspected, that would still be fine.
Right?
Fortunately, there was a knock at the door before Hitch had to consider the existential question of whether or not the cup of noodles and salt would outlive him. Trotting over to answer it, Hitch shook himself out to make himself a bit more presentable.
“I’m coming!” He called out to whomever was on the other side of the door. “If it’s about the mess, don’t worry, I’m suspending litter ordinances until we can get things cleaned up.” He opened up the door to find Zipp and Pipp on the other side, each one carrying a pizza box on her back.
“Hi!” Pipp said with an awkward grin. “So, we were trying to figure out dinner and where we were going to be staying tonight, and it turns out that the local hotel wasn’t exactly planning to be hosting a contingent of unicorns, pegasi, and their normal clientele.”
“And while Miss Cloverleaf did offer to let us stay at her mansion,” Zipp continued, making a rolling gesture with her hoof.
“That’s where Sprout is,” Hitch sighed.
“Yeah,” Zipp agreed. “We appreciated the gesture, but spending the night in the same building as the guy who just tried to kill us with a warmech didn’t seem like the best plan. So, we found this little pizza place in town -”
“- and we were hoping we could see if you knew anybody with a guest room we could maybe talk into loaning it out overnight?” Pipp asked hopefully. “Mom decided to take the offer, and Sunny isn’t exactly in a place to take time helping other ponies find somewhere to stay right now.”
“Well… I only have the one bedroom available, but I could take the couch,” Hitch offered with a shrug. “Not sure how you feel about sharing a bed, but dinner smells like a pretty good idea.”
The two pegasi glanced at each other, then Zipp shrugged non-chalantly.
“Sounds like a plan, Sheriff.” She grinned as Hitch stepped back to let them in. The two sisters walked in with a sway in their hips that seemed slightly more exaggerated than when they’d been on the road. Hitch had certainly spent enough time watching them both to be something of an expert in the field, he had to admit.
“Enjoying the show, Sheriff?” Zipp teased before lifting her pizza to the table, taking Pipp’s to set up next to it as they both fluttered their wings to cool off.
“”I mean, if you’re going to put one on, I’m not going to complain,” he shot back as he got some plates out. “So, what’d you get?”
The trio settled in around Hitch’s small kitchen table, enjoying a meal that was undoubtedly fresher than Hitch’s original plan (though he kept an eye on the cup on the counter, just in case it got any ideas about trying to escape). By the time they'd finished, it was fully dark outside; Pipp stepped out onto the patio, looking up into the sky.
"You know, I never realized how much brighter the sky is away from home."
"It's not as good as when we were camping, but I'm not surprised," Hitch mused, following her out. "There was a big debate over it actually, back when Canterlogic was putting on a second shift. Phyllis ended up buying out the neighbors and expanding the facility to end the complaints. They're the company that builds all the 'defensive technology' that you saw earlier."
"Sounds like they’re a big deal around here," Zipp commented as she joined them, brushing a wing against Hitch's side lightly.
"Town's main industry, and my main supporter in the election," he admitted. "But they'll figure out something to do instead. Phyllis is scary good at the business end of things. I just hope Sprout comes around as fast as she did, once he's come back to his senses."
"Hope the ponies back home do too," Pipp sighed, fluffing out her wings, her downy tips tickling Hitch’s flank. "There are going to be some holdouts, I'm sure."
"Always are, whatever the change is," Hitch agreed before glancing back into his bachelor’s pad.
"I should go straighten out the bedroom for you two, I'll be back in a minute. Make yourselves comfortable, okay?
He walked back in, making short work of clearing up any mess in the room. The bed was immaculate, still made up just how he'd left it, but there were still a few things to take care of.
Like grabbing a few less than suitable pieces of bedtime reading and stuffing them under the bed, for example.
When he got back out, the two pegasi were doing something with their wings, watching each other intently as they bobbed out a three count and then each held a wing in front of themselves. The first time they spread the feathers out, the next they had their wings curled back, then the feathers flat together. Each time, they looked a little more perturbed.
"Is that some sort of pegasus secret wingshake or something I don't know about?" He asked them. Zipp startled, letting out a squeaking sound he'd never imagined her being capable of.
"No," Pipp frowned, rolling her eyes at her sister's reaction to getting caught. "Just trying to figure something out for tonight."
"If you need some extra pillows or something, I do have them," he offered. "And it's an alicorn-size bed, plenty of space for two."
Pipp and Zipp looked at each other. Their feathers fluttered and they seemed to have a silent conversation before coming to a decision.
"How do you think it'd handle three?" Zipp asked with a smirk as she turned to face him.
"Well, I was just going to ta-" Hitch caught himself as Pipp sashayed up to his other side, flicking her tail against his chest. He hadn't become chief law enforcement in Maretime Bay by being that thick.
"You know, I've never tried it to find out, but I think it'd take it." He grinned at each mare, turning around to let them snuggle up against his sides as he led them back. "They'd just have to be really friendly."
"Sheriff," Zipp purred, nipping playfully at his mane, "we're about to show you what friendship can be."
Hitch woke up the next morning with a satisfying ache through his whole body. He licked at the matted fur around his muzzle, then turned his head to give the pegasi on either side of him a light kiss and a nuzzle.
A guy could get used to nights like that… no, actually. I don't think I could. Sure wouldn't mind trying though!
"Ahem."
Hitch lifted his head at the arch voice coming from his bedroom door, his ears flattening as he realized Queen Haven was standing there with two very awkward looking guards standing behind her.
"This… is exactly what it looks like," Hitch admitted. "How did you get in here," he added as Zipp and Pipp started to stir.
"Thank you for your honesty," she said icily. "And through the door."
"We'll ah… we'll go put that back up," one of the guards said, both of them backing away to leave their queen to handle things."
"So… I can see you're not thrilled about this," Hitch admitted. "Though in our defense, it sounds like you did break down my door on the way to finding out, so that's kind of on you."
"Mom?" Zipp lifted her head from the pillow to blink blearily at the door. "How'd you get-"
"We'll speak in the kitchen," Haven told them in a clipped tone, turning around to leave the doorway behind.
"We're going to shower first," Hitch told her. She paused, snapping her tail behind her irritably. But after a moment, she nodded.
"Of course. Separately, I should hope.
"Mine, at any rate," Hitch responded evenly. She stalked out as Zipp sighed, and Pipp pouted into Hitch’s chest.
"Well, that could have gone better," Pipp sighed.
"If she's going to have an issue with her grown daughters having sex lives, but not with the flying trick or the theft of the crown jewel, she has her priorities really screwed up," Hitch pointed out. "I'll hit the shower first, try talking things out a bit before you two come out."
"Ugh… she'd better have breakfast with her," Zipp muttered. "And I am totally insisting on snuggle time afterwards, buster! Royal order," she added, giving Hitch a quick nuzzle as he tried to extricate himself from the equine knot of limbs they'd ended up tying themselves into the night before.
"That doesn't count here," Hitch pointed out with a chuckle. He slid out from between the two mares, grunting as he twisted around to wiggle out of bed mostly upright, and went to go start the shower.
Preferably a cold one, considering the conversation waiting for him.
When he finished up his shower and had finished toweling off, Hitch walked out to the kitchen to find Queen Haven poking at his breakfast supplies. There was a draft from the door, where the two guards were lining it up to put back on the hinges; he'd have to thank them later for not just breaking it down.
"How does this thing work?" Haven muttered as she poked at the knobs and buttons on one of the appliances.
"Don't they have toasters in Zephyr Heights?" Hitch asked her.
"So that's what that is. What kind of toast are you supposed to make with it?"
Hitch blinked, mentally adjusting his breakfast plans. How did she not know how to make toast?
"Usually... bread?"
“Huh. So that’s how the cooks prepare it; I always thought they used the stovetop.”
Ah, yes. Royalty.
“Why don’t I make breakfast, and you… do you know how to make coffee?”
“I’m not an idiot, Hitch,” she sniffed, stalking over to his coffee maker. “As long as it’s already ground, I’ll be fine.”
So much for first impressions.
Well, technically, third impressions now that he thought about it. Second was when she’d found him in bed with Zipp and Pipp, first was on the way out of Bridlewood….
Yeah, his first impression was probably the best she had of him. Pity she hadn’t really been paying attention.
Hitch made short work of preparing breakfast; while he’d had trouble finding food that was still good the night before, eggs and toaster pastries were almost as immortal as ramen, and stored in something more trustworthy than foam. So by the time Queen Haven had finished muddling her way through how to use a drip coffeemaker, Hitch had finished up the first couple of plates to put on the table.
“I’m not angry, Hitch,” she sighed after she’d sat down, taking a sip of her black coffee. “I’m… concerned, I suppose.”
“Well, glad to hear you aren’t mad. You definitely looked like it.”
“I was hardly thrilled,” Haven chuckled. “No parent is that comfortable finding out about their children’s love lives, particularly not when they appear to be so… adventurous.”
Well, there was one exception that Hitch could think of, but he wasn’t going to bring that up right now.
“The reason I was worried….” She sighed and glanced back to where the shower was still running.
“Have your parents ever shown you pictures of your mother when she was pregnant?” She asked him suddenly. Hitch blinked, flicking his ears as he tried to figure out what she was talking about. He brought over a plate of food for Zipp and Pipp as he heard the shower turning off.
“No, they kind of skipped that step. I was adopted when I was still really young, and they never got any records about who my birth parents were. Didn’t find anything myself when I went looking once, but…” He shrugged. “Records get misplaced or trashed all the time, especially before they had everything on computers.”
“There’s… also a chance that they didn’t know.” Haven took a large gulp of her coffee, sighing as she put her mug down and her daughters came out to join them.
“Who didn’t know what?” Zipp asked.
“My parents, and who my birth parents were,” Hitch explained. “I just told her I was adopted. How do you like your coffee?”
“Black, thanks.”
“Cream and sugar, if you have any,” Pipp told him as she took a seat and looked over her breakfast. “You cooked, Hitch?”
“I figured it was safer than letting your mother keep poking at the appliances,” he laughed.
“Not just… their mother… if I’m right.” Haven said quietly, silencing the room.
“Mom… what are you talking about?” Zipp asked her, ignoring the food in front of her.
“It’s rare, but not unheard of, for a pony to be born to parents from a different tribe,” Haven explained. “Back in the old days, the foals were usually abandoned, though they haven’t done that for generations. It was outlawed about… ten generations back, I think?”
“So, some sort of recessive thing,” Hitch guessed.
“Something like that. And it can crop up just about anywhere. When I was pregnant with Zipp… honey, please listen to the whole story before you judge things, but… you had a twin brother, Zipp. I was told he didn’t survive birth… and that he was an earth pony.”
All three of the younger ponies tensed up, sensing what the bombshell was going to be but letting Haven explain.
“Your father was furious at first, thought that I must have been with an earth pony to make that happen, but the midwife explained that it happens. Most ponies don’t talk about it, for the obvious reasons. My side of the family is pureblooded pegasi back to King Breeze the First, if not further, but we found out that there was an unknown ancestor when your father’s grandmother spent some time travelling and came back with a little pegasus colt. That’s probably where it came in. At any rate, the midwife told me that the colt had been stillborn, but I saw him as she wrapped him up to take out, and… I do remember that he had a blue mane and orange coat.” She looked over at Hitch and took a deep breath.
“Abandoning foals in the wilderness was outlawed, but there have always been rumors that some ponies still did it, just… not in the wild. That they’d take foals whose tribe didn’t match their parents and ‘return them’ to the ‘right’ tribe.”
“Which would explain why there might not be any records of who the parents were,” Hitch nodded, putting together what she was saying and sipping his coffee as he absorbed it.
“You’re saying that I have a twin brother… and that you think it’s Hitch?” Zipp said out loud. Queen Haven just nodded her head slightly.
“You can see why I was… concerned… when I saw what I did this morning,” she pointed out.
Hitch finished his coffee and sat the mug down.
“So. What you’re saying is that there’s a chance that you are my birth mother. That I’m actually something like seven-eighths pegasus. And that I spent last night banging the two sisters I never knew I had.”
“I wish you wouldn’t put it like that,” Haven winced.
“I was thinking hashtag pegahitch sandwiches?” Pipp offered as an alternative. Hitch gestured towards her with his hooves, shrugging slightly.
“Like you said, banging the two sisters you never knew you had,” Haven gritted out between her teeth. “Yes.”
“Ooh, maybe pega-sis sandhitches?” Pipp pondered, tapping her chin.
“No,” Haven and Zipp both said flatly.
“Just saying, I have options!” The purple pegasus smiled brightly before sipping her own coffee. Queen Haven just stared at her for a long moment.
“How can you joke about this, Pipp?”
Pipp calmly sat her mug down, taking a bite of her food before looking at her mother evenly.
“What else am I supposed to do, Mom? My life just kind of got tossed in a box, turned upside down, and shaken until it started to rattle instead of thump. And that’s before this news. Besides, in case you hadn’t noticed,” she held her hooves out towards Zipp, “I’m not exactly uncomfortable with sleeping with a sibling!”
“Pipp!” Zipp hissed, glancing nervously at their mother. “That’s always been with somepony else between us!”
Pipp just busied herself with a mouthful of pastry and a knowing smirk.
“So!” Hitch interrupted, trying to keep things from escalating. “What difference does any of that make?”
Haven stared at him, then looked between her daughters only to find that apparently she was the only one stunned by what he’d said.
“Well, obviously, what happened last night is completely-”
“Something done by three consenting adults, taking all the appropriate precautions, which I believe was thoroughly enjoyed by all involved,” he cut her off, glancing between two nodding sisters. “As for anything else, it sounds like the same - something between the three of us. The decision that really matters here, is what to do about your suspicions. And I only see two alternatives there. The first is that we look into the remote possibility that your midwife lied to you, spirited your colt away, and just happened to drop him off in Maretime Bay where he grew up to be me. If we do that, either we find out that there’s nothing to worry about, or Zephyr Heights ends up finding out that Zipp has a twin brother… who’s an earth pony. And I doubt the tabloids would be as quick to understand as your husband was.”
“Which of them was born first, by the way?” Pipp asked curiously, tapping away at her phone. “Because that could really make for some interesting times working out succession. Especially if Hitch was born first, because then everypony’d have to deal with the idea of an earth pony being the king… though since he didn’t take part in the whole wirework fiasco, they might actually be okay with that!”
“I’m already perfectly happy being the Sheriff here,” Hitch reassured Haven. “Besides, if nopony had the chance to realize that the colt wasn’t really stillborn, he was probably born second. Which brings us to the second option. We agree that, while it’s possible, it’s an incredibly slim possibility that only causes more pain for everypony if it is the case, and quietly forget that there’s any possible concern.”
“Ooh, Dazzle says her producer can get us on the show tonight if we want!” Pipp grinned. “They’d love to ask us about bringing magic back, and what happened at my show, and - oh, she wants to know if there’s anything else we’d like to discuss. Mom, can you think of anything?” Pipp asked, smiling sweetly at her mother.
“...Sometimes, I think Mom’s raising the wrong one of us to be queen,” Zipp observed.
“You… you wouldn’t.” Queen Haven shook her head at Pipp, watching her cautiously. “That would-”
“Be an amazing distraction from the whole wirework thing, wouldn’t it?” Pipp tilted her head from one side to the other, keeping her sweet, practiced smile on her face. “They’d probably forget all about those charges! And the Pippsqueaks would be so excited by the mystery of it all! Especially if we found out Hitch isn’t related to us after all, and then one of us started dating him, and they got to gossip about whether or not we really found out he wasn’t my big brother! And if he was related to us, it would help normalize inter-tribe relations - you know what, Mom, you’re right, it’s our responsibility to tell ponies about this! It’s what’s best for the kingdom!”
“No!” Haven shouted as Pipp started tapping something out on her phone. She grabbed it out of Pipp’s hooves, looking to see what damage had been done… and just saw a picture of herself, Zipp, and Hitch talking to each other over breakfast, tagged ‘#epbreakfast’.
“Geeze, Mom, I was serious about Dazzle having a spot for us, but I’m not that obsessed with hits. I was serious about the trouble if we started dating after anypony else found out it was even possible though, that would just be tossing meat to the lions.”
“Zipp, you understand why it’s an issue!” Haven turned to face her elder daughter, who was tapping her chin with a hoof. “You always hated that we were lying to everypony about the wires, surely you’d want to be honest with them about this!”
“I mean, we don’t know right now, do we?” Zipp mused. “So right now, it wouldn’t be lying if we didn’t say anything. Not even really by omission. And coat and mane colors usually change some when you’re growing up, so wouldn’t it be less likely to be Hitch if his colors match?”
Haven looked between all three of them, then shook her head.
"How did I raise two foals and end up with three degenerates?" She sighed dramatically. "All right! Just don't make me a grandmother any time soon, I'm too young for that. And I'd really rather not have to raise any one-winged foals, or whatever might happen."
"It'll be fine, Mom," Pipp promised. "So, what's the plan for going home?"
"I'll be speaking with Legal Brief later today about that. Sweetie, do you think you could-"
"Put the word out that, truly, we thought we were doing what was best, and that I hope one day the Pippsqueaks can forgive me? Already drafting it in my head."
"And again, I really think she should be the one who inherits!" Zipp shook her head. "Seriously, she has the city eating out of her hoof.”
"And that's why I'm most useful off the throne, sis," Pipp winked. "Come on, this will go over better if we both take care of it. We'll get Mom on video after she talks to LB."
"So, until you do go back…?" Hitch asked them.
"You're three consenting adults… and I don't have any place to be telling you where to sleep," Haven admitted, finishing her breakfast and standing up from the table. "At least as long as it's not where I have to think about it too much. Love you, girls. And don't let him treat you wrong!"
"We aren't the ones you need to worry about, Mom," Zipp sighed indulgently and rolled her eyes. "Besides, if I'm doing a video with Pipp, we'll be rehearsing it all day. You go on ahead."
“I’ll be at the office, straightening out the mess Sprout made, if anypony needs me,” Hitch sighed, getting up and leading the way out. It was time to get back to the rest of the world.
"Damn it," Pipp sighed. as she started cleaning up. "Guess snuggle time is going to have to wait."
“So… you going to keep seeing him?” Zipp asked Pipp as they cleaned up quickly.
“Are you kidding? Even if he isn’t our brother, this is going to drive Mom up the wall.”
“And if he is?”
Pipp smirked at Zipp, actually powering her phone down and setting it aside.
“It sounds like somepony needs a reminder of what I’ll do with siblings when we don’t have a third to get between us.”
Zipp smirked back, fluffing her wings.
“I was starting to think you’d never get the hint!”
“Hey, remember how we managed to stand on some clouds yesterday? Want to see what else we can do on them?”
“After the dishes, sis,” Zipp chided. “And maybe that video of yours?”
“Oh, all right. But we are getting our snuggle time during this!"
“Deal!” Zipp grinned, scooping up the dishes and putting them into the sink, both suddenly eager to finish up.
