Crazy, But That's How It Goes...
Tuesday in the Seaver household meant two things. First, Maggie would be making tuna noodle casserole for dinner. Secondly, Dr. Jason Seaver was scheduled for his first group therapy session with five of his least favorite patients. Combining their individual sessions into one had either been a stroke of genius or stupidity – time would tell.
The first to arrive was Daisy. A petite redhead, her older siblings had been in an automotive stunt show back in the 1980s and Daisy had tagged along with them after their parents disappeared under mysterious circumstances.
Also early was Nicholas Cherrywood. A stage magician, he’d apprenticed under The Great Fettuccini, eventually taking over the latter’s magic show. Like Daisy, his parents hadn’t been in the picture; in his case he’d been raised by the magician.
Spike Witwicky was punctual. A construction worker like his father before him, he’d been on his own since his wife divorced him. His son, Daniel, rarely spoke to him.
Hot on his heels was Megan Williams. Megan had taken over her family’s ranch at an early age, though she declined to say exactly what had happened to her parents. She’d practically raised her younger siblings, Danny and Molly.
Five minutes late, Penny Gadget looked like she’d rather be anywhere but his office. The feeling was mutual – Jason also wished she was somewhere else. But her therapy sessions were court-ordered, and neither had much choice in the matter.
Without waiting for Penny to take a seat, Jason spoke up, “Now that we’re all here, we can get started. Since this is our first session together, I’d like everyone to introduce themselves. Penny, why don’t you start us off.”
She huffed in annoyance as she sat down. “I’m Penny.”
“And?”
Penny glared at the therapist. “My uncle is a famous officer with the Metro City Police Department. He was horribly maimed in an accident and his surgeons rebuilt him with cybernetic gadgets. His gadgets are as prone to malfunctioning as my uncle is to being incompetent, so I solve most of his cases for him. I got tired of Dr. Claw and his M.A.D. agents, so I finally did something about them. When I was twelve, I was captured yet again, and they left me alone in their weapon storage room. M.A.D. agents weren’t exactly known for their intellect. It might have something to do with the fact their salutes involved punching themselves in the head. Anyways, my talking dog Brain found me and untied me, then we armed ourselves to the teeth, burst into Claw’s hideout, and when we were done, there wasn’t anyone left alive except me, Brain, and Uncle Gadget. Oh, and M.A.D. Cat. Only a complete psychopath would kill a cat.”
“So that would make you only partially a psychopath?”
“I’m choosing to ignore that, doc. They never even identified Dr. Claw’s body.”
“What did you shoot him with – an antitank gun?”
“Of course not. His body wasn’t maimed beyond recognition, the problem was no one had any idea what he looked like. He was always hiding his face, so when the cops tried to ID him, no one had any clues to his real identity. They even tried getting an answer by running his photograph on an episode of Unsolved Mysteries with no luck. The point is, I let Uncle Gadget take the credit for solving the case. They gave him a medal, and then they suspended him for overuse of force. Talk about a mixed message.”
“Care to explain why you’re here, Penny?”
“Not particularly.”
“In order for our therapy to be successful, everyone needs to be open and honest with each other. That means admitting our shortcomings. So you can tell everyone in your own words… or I can do it for you.”
“You’re a horrible therapist. No wonder your kids are out of control. I’ve seen their criminal files, Dr. Seaver.” She motioned to the oversized laptop she referred to as her computer book. “Let’s see, your oldest son Mike has been arrested three times…”
“I meant your own shortcomings.”
Penny huffed. “Fine. If they would’ve listened to me, and built all of Uncle Gadget’s cybernetic enhancements into my body too, I could be the most effective crimefighter on the planet. Instead, I was arrested for interfering with police business. They don’t want me on the force because I do a better job than they do and they can’t handle that.”
Dr. Seaver cleared his throat.
“And because I failed the psych exam.”
“Let’s move on. Mr. Witwicky?”
“Hi, I’m Spike. I’m a construction worker, and I also assist the Autobots, a race of alien robots that transform into cars and other vehicles. The Autobots come from the planet Cybertron, and are locked in a civil war with the evil Decepticons. They crash landed on Earth four million years ago and awoke when Mount St. Hilary erupted in 1984.”
“Mount St. Hilary? Do you mean Mount St. Helens in Washington?”
“No, Mount St. Hilary in Oregon. It’s right next to Mount Hood, about fifty miles from Portland.”
“I think I would remember something as significant as a volcanic eruption in the Pacific Northwest.” Dr. Seaver pulled out a road atlas. “There’s nothing on the map that indicates this is a real place.”
“I think I remember passing that volcano after going through Vanity, California on our way to a stunt show in Seattle.”
“Thank you, Daisy. When Mr. Witwicky is done explaining how none of us have ever heard of a civil war raging across our planet between two factions of giant robots, you can go next.”
“They transform into vehicles! Some are cars, like my Volkswagen outside. Others are tanks, or jets, or even construction equipment. Everyone just assumes it’s people fighting, but the Decepticons are trying to plunder our natural resources to turn into their fuel, energon. A lot of times the Autobots fight them in the Middle East and everyone just blames it on the tensions in the region.”
“Let me get this straight, Spike. All the bloodshed in the Middle East isn’t because of millennia-old conflicts about religion, but because giant robots want oil?”
“Well, not all of the fighting is between the Autobots and Decepticons. But last week’s conflict in Carbombya was definitely because of the Decepticons…”
“Car bomb ya? You’re not even trying with these fake place names. We’re done here. Go ahead, Daisy. Tell everyone about yourself.”
Before she could begin, Carol Seaver banged on the door. “Dad, there’s a police officer here that wants to talk to you.”
Jason groaned. “Which one of you violated parole this time?”
“Are you sure it isn’t Mike?”
Jason cringed at Penny’s question – it freaked him out that she’d accessed his kids’ police files. “No, but I’m hoping it isn’t. I’ll be right back.” He returned a minute later with a police officer and a vagrant.
“Sit.” The vagabond followed the officer’s instructions, immediately sitting on the floor. “On one of the chairs, dummy. I caught this young man robbing a 7-Eleven. ‘Flim Flam’ here was only stealing food, and the store manager refused to press charges. He really should have stolen a stick of deodorant. Since he was muttering something about ‘thirteen ghosts’ I decided I’d bring him here. I think he’ll fit right in with the rest of this group.”
“If it isn’t the city’s best, Officer Mahoney.”
“Good evening, Penny. Are you making any progress with this one, doc?”
“Dr. Seaver telling you that would violate patient privacy laws.” Penny lifted her shirt, revealing she was wearing a ridiculously small red bikini top underneath. “Go-go Gadget cleavage.”
Officer Mahoney and Spike stared. Jason reminded himself that he was married… with children. Nicholas fainted. Megan turned away in disgust. Flim Flam used the opportunity to escape. Daisy stared, and touched a hand to her own, much less prominent chest.
Penny pulled her shirt back down and smiled sweetly. “Carey, your suspect is getting away. Real cops don’t get distracted on the job.”
“Dang it, I’ll be right back. He’s a malnourished hobo, he won’t get far.”
Once Officer Mahoney was out of the room, Penny put a five-dollar bill on the table in the middle of the room. “Five bucks says ‘Flim Flam’ gets away.”
Jason sighed. “With Mahoney, that’s probably a given. Daisy, I believe it’s your turn now.”
“Hi! I’m Daisy Darrett, and I’m the little sister of Tess and Dan Darrett, of the former Pole Position stunt show. Pole Position was really a cover for a secret crimefighting organization by the same name. But it disbanded when my Uncle Zachary passed away. Because it was a secret organization, none of us knew any of the other operatives. Oh, except Greg Dumont. Tess kinda dated him for a while, so we knew about him and he knew about us. But he didn’t know anyone else either, and it’s hard to keep an organization running when no one knows who the employees are or what they do.”
“What do you do these days?”
“I drive Wheels around looking for crime to fight. Though Wheels does most of the driving. Mostly I just sit there with my pet, Kuma.”
“Pets are good. Tell us about Kuma.”
“He’s a one-of-a-kind species created by Dr. Lungo. I think he’s a cat-raccoon-monkey hybrid. I got to meet Dr. Lungo once, many years ago, when his island was threatened by a tsunami. Now that I think about it, that was in 1984. I wonder if that eruption at Mount St. Hilary was responsible? Maybe it caused an earthquake and landslide off the coast of Oregon. Lungo’s island is in the Pacific, so that would make sense.”
“There’s no Mount St. Hilary!” Jason wanted to tear his hair out. The idea of bringing these patients together was so they could poke holes in one another’s stories, not corroborate them. “Moving on, Megan, tell us a bit about yourself.”
“I’m Megan Williams, and I live on a ranch. We raise horses. We also have ponies. There’s a Rainbow Bridge in the sky above our property that leads to Ponyland. The residents of Paradise Estate are all adorable, pastel ponies, including pegasi and unicorns.”
“Sounds a lot like Care-A-Lot, except the Care Bears are bears. Oh, and a lion, an elephant…”
“You’ll have a turn, Nicholas. Let Megan finish first.”
“I’ve seen unspeakable evil and I’ve done things that haunt me to this day. The first was Tirac, an ancient centaur who was turning the little ponies into dragons with his Rainbow of Darkness.”
“Rainbow of Darkness? Was it grayscale or something?”
Megan paused. “It was more black and purple, honestly. Not really much of a rainbow, but I didn’t name it. I used the Rainbow of Light to eradicate him, and that really is a magic, colorful ROY G. BIP rainbow. I keep it in this locket I’m wearing. I wish that meant the ponies lived happily ever after, but there was always some new threat popping up. There was the lava-surfing demon, Lavan.”
“He surfed on lava?”
Megan nodded. “Yup. On a what I think was a wooden door. If I was making this up, do you really think I’d imagined a guy made out of molten lava riding something flammable on lava? Seriously, I lived through this and even I don’t believe half of it. I want these memories to go away. And don’t get me started on Grogar or the Smooze. Purple goo everywhere. Staring at me.” She shuddered.
“Hey, hey, hey! Guess who’s back.” Officer Mahoney shoved Flim Flam back into the room. “I found him hiding between a Volkswagen and a Mustang.” Carey scratched his head. “Almost as if he was trapped between them and couldn’t get away.”
“Go Wheels!”
“All right, Bumblebee!”
“I take it you two are the owners of said vehicles?”
Daisy and Spike nodded.
“Awesome, I have a little something for each of you.”
“Commendations for helping capture a criminal?”
Mahoney laughed at Spike’s enthusiasm. “Tickets for parking on the lawn.” He turned to walk out of the room. “Oh, hey, someone left five bucks on this table. Anyone? Anyone? Cool, finders, keepers.” He pocketed the five-dollar bill on his way out the door.
Penny pressed a few buttons on her computer book, and the room shook a few seconds later.
“What was that?” Jason opened the curtains to reveal Officer Mahoney’s police cruiser had exploded. He turned his head just as the hatch clicked shut on Penny’s Toyota Celica Supra hatchback. He took note that neither the VW Bug nor the Mustang were parked on the lawn where Mahoney had indicated they were. “You know what, I don’t want to know.” He closed the curtains.
“Flim Flam was it? Welcome to our therapy group. Tell us about yourself. Do you have a real name?”
“Yes. Several of them. It never hurts to keep half a dozen aliases on file in my line of work.”
“And that is?”
“I’m in the business of separating those of dubious intellect from their hard-earned wages.”
“I know I’m going to regret asking this, but what’s this about ghosts?”
“That’s why I’m in town. I’m just visiting. I have reason to believe the thirteenth ghost is hiding near here.”
“The thirteenth ghost?”
Flim Flam nodded. “We’ve already recaptured the other twelve. See, there’s this idiot Shaggy, and his talking dog Scooby, and they opened the Chest of Demons in an ancient Tibetan temple, unleashing thirteen of the most powerful ghosts upon the face of the Earth. Now we have to recapture them, because only we can return them to the chest.”
“Why only you?”
“Because we let them out.”
“I really should have seen that coming. Nicholas, why don’t you take it from here.”
“Nicholas Cherrywood, of the Nicholas and Fettuccini Magic Show. Mr. Fettuccini was my father figure. You know how kids threaten to run away and join the circus? I did. My parents were alcoholics, and while Mr. Fettuccini was more or less indifferent most of the time, at least he was there for me. One day Mr. Fettuccini bought a trunk full of junk…”
There was snickering from some of the others. “He has junk in the trunk.”
“As I was saying, inside the trunk was an ancient spellbook. I opened it, and there was a glowing face.”
“A face in a book?”
Nicholas nodded. “If I hadn’t burned that book to ash afterwards, I’d have told her to sue Mark Zuckerberg when Facebook popped up. Tender Heart Bear tried to stop me, but I’d fallen under the book’s spell.”
“Tender Heart Bear?”
“He lives in Care-A-Lot with the rest of the Care Bears. They’re candy-colored living teddy bears with symbols on their tummies.”
“My little ponies have cutie marks on their flanks!”
“Nicholas, have you by any chance seen the movie Ted?”
“Never heard of it, doc.”
Jason sighed. “Just checking. Please continue.”
“The spellbook had me concoct all kinds of potions to remove caring from the town, and eventually the entire world. Meanwhile Tender Heart and the other Care Bears discovered the Forest of Feelings and their cousins. There’s Swift Heart Rabbit, Proud Heart Cat, Bright Heart Raccoon…”
Having heard Nicholas list all of the Care Bears and Care Bear Cousins previously, Jason cut him off since they only had ten minutes remaining in the session, and it would take longer than that to name them all. “So what did the Care Bears and their cousins do?”
“They made it down to Earth. Some of them sailed on a river from the Forest of Feelings that came out in the circus’ tunnel of love, while the others used the Rainbow Rescue Beam, which is a transporter like you’d see in Star Trek. They used the Care Bear Stare on me, which is a beam of love that shoots out of their tummy symbols, but it was the kids that were helping them that convinced me there was still some good in humanity. They caused me to renounce the evil spirit book.”
Jason had heard all but Flim Flam’s story previously, but no matter how many times he heard them, they all still managed to be less believable with every telling.
“I think that covers everybody. Let’s review this, shall we? Giant robots from Cyberdyne.”
“That’s Cybertron.”
“Right, giant robots from Cybertron. Candy-colored bears with laser beams shooting out of their stomachs. Cybernetic enhancements. Talking dogs. Genetically-engineered animals. Ghosts. Ancient sealed evil in a chest. Ancient sealed evil in a book. Magical unicorns and other mythological beasts. Towns that don’t exist, volcanoes that don’t exist, and even countries that don’t exist. Finally, what sounds like a Knight Rider fanfic with totally original characters. You’re all obviously incredibly creative individuals. But we should probably get down to the root of all your problems. These fantastic stories of things you did in your youth are just as unbelievable now as they were when you were children, telling these same tall tales on the playground. You’ve told them to yourselves so many times you actually believe them.”
“Wheels is out front if you don’t believe me!”
Jason Seaver opened the curtains, revealing the car parked in the driveway. “You mean that beat-up red clunker?”
Daisy’s cheeks flushed bright pink. “Wheels got a computer virus last month and hit a fire hydrant.”
“I’d love to see that accident report for that one. ‘My self-driving car crashed, officer, not me.’ It might work if you were driving a Tesla, not a vintage Mustang that’s older than you are. You need to grow up, Daisy. That goes for all of you. I understand you all have issues with parental abandonment, but you’re adults now, and it’s time to start acting like it.”
“My Dad didn’t abandon me. I see him every day at work! We’re both employed by the same construction company.”
“Or, in your case, Mr. Witwicky, spousal abandonment. These fantastic stories you tell yourselves and everyone else are just that – stories. Sell your tales to Hollywood. Heaven knows they could use some original ideas instead of endless remakes, reboots, and crossovers. But to everyone else, these stories are a turn-off. Do you think potential suitors want to hear about Ponyland? Do you think your boss cares about Cybertron? Do you think even the Weekly World News is going to believe Care-A-Lot exists? The answer is ‘no’ folks. How many of you know a talking dog?”
Four hands went up.
“My pet, Brain.”
“Loyal Heart Dog is one of the Care Bear Cousins.”
“Scooby and Scrappy Doo help me track down those pesky ghosts.”
“Crunch the Rock Dog petrified ponies until we helped him.”
“Sadly, that’s the most believable part of most of your stories. We’re out of time for this week, but I want you all to go home and think about the stories you’ve all heard today. Then I want you to come up with questions to ask one another. Things you want clarified. Things you find unbelievable. Things that don’t make sense.” With that, Jason shooed them out of his house.
Officer Mahoney cornered Penny as soon as she walked outside. “I don’t know how you did it, but I know you did it!”
“Did what?”
“That!” He pointed to the remains of the Ford Explorer Interceptor that had been his squad car until recently. “That’s the third squad car I’ve wrecked this month! Harris is going to have my badge!”
“Not my monkey, not my circus.”
“Are you calling me a monkey?”
“If the shoe fits…”
“I’m commanding this vehicle. I know you have police gear for this car.”
“I think the word you want is ‘commandeering’ and no, you’re not taking the Gadgetmobile anywhere. You just admitted that you’ve already totaled three cars this month; I’d have to be crazy to trust you with my uncle’s car. You can use that five bucks to get a cab. Or if that won’t cover it, you’ve got thumbs. Hitchhike.”
Penny slammed the door on her Toyota and lit the rear tires up as she peeled out of the Seavers’ driveway. Words couldn’t describe just how much she hated therapy.
“You! Official police business! I’m commandeering your vehicle!”
Nicholas shrugged. “I don’t have a car.” No sooner had he finished speaking than a rainbow descended from the sky and he was whisked away by the Rainbow Rescue Beam.
“I didn’t see that.” Mahoney decided to cut his losses and just walk back to headquarters. Everything around this group was just too weird for him.
Daisy Darrett waved goodbye to Spike, then opened the door to her classic red Mustang targa. “Oh, Wheels, the doctor doesn’t believe a word I say about the adventures we used to have. Why don’t we go on adventures anymore?”
“Daisy, it’s been decades since Pole Position disbanded. You really need to let go of the past like Tess and Dan did. Furthermore, my chassis was twenty years out of date back then, I’ve got eight megabytes of harddrive space, and I need nearly thirty years of Windows updates. I really need more RAM, but I’d settle for internet access.”
“I don’t know what any of that technobabble means, Wheels.”
“It means I’ve got less processing power than your cell phone. A lot less.”
Spike got into a bright yellow vintage Volkswagen Beetle. “Where to, Spike?”
Spike Witwicky sighed. “The nearest bar.”
“Let me guess. You wanted to ask that cute redhead in the Mustang out on a date, but lost your nerve?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
Megan unhitched Wind Whistler from the front porch. “Really, Megan, was it necessary to tie me to the house? I’m perfectly capable of waiting for you without flying away.”
“You’re very vocal for being a figment of my imagination.”
“I told you no one would believe you, Megan. Logic dictates you should just take a camera with you to Ponyland, and document everything.”
Megan sighed. “When we get home, remind me to introduce you to Photoshop.”
“I don’t understand why you need to see a psychiatrist anyway.”
“I was tied up in vines and almost eaten by the flories, Danny wants me to break the news to our parents that he’s dating a pegasus, and I shot a centuries old centaur with a rainbow that I was wearing as a necklace, killing him. What part of that says I don’t need therapy? Tirac, Lavan, Grogar, the Smooze, and the rest – I wake up seeing them in the middle of the night.”
“Danny and Molly seem fine.”
“Danny’s an adrenaline junkie, and did I mention he’s dating Surprise? That came as a surprise, I can tell you that. As for Molly, she was so young when she started going on our adventures she doesn’t remember a time when we didn’t. She grew up thinking what we did was normal.”
“That is a normal day in Paradise Estate.”
“I know, and that’s why I’m trying to get therapy. Because that’s not a normal day on the ranch here on Earth.”
“Megan! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” Firefly landed next to Wind Whistler. “The flories are back!”
Megan sighed. “This time we do the job right. Stop there.” Megan pointed to a Home Depot. “It’s time to take those overgrown weeds out permanently. Posey’s just going to have to deal with the fact nothing’s gonna grow in her garden for the next year or so. Allow me to introduce you to Round-Up and Ortho. If that doesn’t work, I’ll sow the ground with salt if I have to…”
Flim Flam was the only one not to leave right away. While helping himself to the contents of the Seaver family’s fridge, he ran into Jason’s oldest son, Mike. Taking one look at each other, they both immediately decided the other was an easy mark.
“Hi friend, let me tell you about…”
“You look like you’d be interested in…”
Author's Note
Story notes: https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/973491/story-notes-therapy-session
