Rainbow Dash's Unforgettable Luncheon

by EileenSaysHi

Rating: everyone
Tags: Equestria Girls, Rainbow Dash (EqG), Comedy, Random, Slice of Life, Crossover, Sunset Shimmer, Applejack (EqG)
Length: 4212

Rainbow Dash wants to show Applejack she can cook, but her roast is ruined! But what if... she were to purchase fast food and disguise it as her own cooking? "Steamed Hams", Equestria Girls-style.

Applejack made it, despite Rainbow's directions, and is prepared for an eventful meal courtesy of Canterlot High's star athlete. But what's this? Oh ye gods, Rainbow's roast is ruined! But what if... she were to purchase fast food and disguise it as her own cooking? Ho ho ho...

Yes, it's "Skinner and the Superintendent", better known as "Steamed Hams", from the Simpsons episode "22 Short Films About Springfield", but reimagined in the world of Equestria Girls. But no, this is not simply a cheap clone of the original scene with names swapped out. Oh no, where’s the fun in that? Prepare for the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs and the creamy middles, along with surprising twists and, perhaps, a geographically wayward aurora borealis.

(Classed as a crossover due to copious and obvious Simpsons references, though don't expect Homer or anyone to walk in.)

Published 2021-12-02 20:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-12-07 21:40:43 UTC

Delightfully Devilish, Dashie

Geez, who knew it'd take this long to make a roast?!

For Rainbow Dash, speedster extraordinaire, connoisseur of pre-packaged and quick-service foods and a girl of limited attention span, having to stand by for hours to monitor her food's progress was her own personal hell. And she'd spent nearly as long preparing the ridiculous thing that morning, given that she didn't really know what she was doing and, well, wielding a cutting knife at super-speed was highly inadvisable for anyone who valued their fingers.

She somberly checked the timer again. 108 minutes. Seriously, come on! She could feel her stomach rumbling and the frustration intensified.

"Ugggggggghhhhhh..." Of all the weird kinds of magic that she kept finding herself either having to embrace or fend off, would it be too much to ask for a little more of the utilitarian variety? You know, the kind where she could just snap her fingers and have a perfectly good meal sitting there waiting for her, and maybe get to watch Trixie's head explode at the sight of it? This was agony. She'd done pretty much anything she could think of to keep her mind settled -- a few top-speed laps around the neighborhood, some phone games, speed-reading all the magazines on her mother's coffee table -- but nothing could settle the utter boredom. The running had brought the most relief, but, having recently gotten another stern lecture from her friends about not overusing her gem, she knew she just had to settle in and wait.

Why am I doing this again?

She pushed the question aside as it occurred to her that Applejack should be here about any minute now. She peered inside the oven. The recipe online said 2 to 2-and-a-half hours. How am I supposed to know which makes more sense for this? She groaned when she remembered the beef was at the higher end of the recommended weight and would probably need the longer time setting.

Suddenly she heard a truck door shut just outside. She's here! Rainbow froze. Oh no, she's here! And there's still 40 minutes to go! She'd meant to get it in the oven earlier, but everything had just been progressing so slowly during the preparation process that she'd needed frequent breaks just to keep her mind stimulated. What was she gonna do? She didn't feel up to trying to keep a 40-minute conversation going, but she couldn't just keep Applejack waiting while she sat here and monitored. Oh, the hubris!

Desperate, she notched the heat up on the oven. It's cooked most of the way, after all. This is just for the finishing touch. I'll have this ready in a jiffy.

Rainbow zipped over to the door just in time to catch Applejack with her finger on the doorbell. "Uh... howdy."

"Applejack, you came!"

"Well of course I came, what'd ya think I was gonna do?" She peeked inside. "Your folks' new place looks pretty sweet!"

"Thanks, yeah, it's been a really nice move so far."

"Though I ain't really sure how you were expectin' me to get here with the mess of directions you gave me..."

"What was wrong with my directions?"

"Look, I know you run around this town so much you have every landmark memorized, but don't you think it might make more sense to give me, you know, a street address instead of 'make a u-turn at the donut shop with the big guy' or 'go left at the headless statue of the town founder'?"

"You were supposed to go right at the headless statue of the town founder!"

"I do have a phone with GPS, y'know. You're just lucky Fluttershy was able to give me your actual address-"

"You called people? Applejack, this was supposed to just be our thing!"

"I didn't tell 'em what it was for!"

"Well, good, because you're in for a real treat." Rainbow Dash zipped over to the table and, in a mock-elegant fashion that would have infuriated Rarity, pulled out a chair. "I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon."

Applejack rolled her eyes a bit as she strode over to her seat, laying a bottle of cider in the tub of ice Rainbow had laid out (though calling the contents of the tub "ice" was rather generous at this point). "So what've you got planned for this here 'luncheon'?"

"Just a sec, just a sec, it's almost ready!" She darted back into the kitchen, instinctively closing the door behind her, leaving Applejack perplexed and calmly waiting.

It took Rainbow Dash just moments to realize something was terribly wrong. She started coughing and opened the window, then looked at the oven. Smoke! There was smoke belching out of it! She shut it off but it was too late. She looked inside and saw the roast go up in flames.

"No!" she yelped. "No-no-no-no-no!" Morning, afternoon, wasted. Just like that, it was gone, all gone! Her big chance to prove herself, incinerated. What could she do? What would she tell Applejack? How could she go in there and face her and admit...

No.

She peered out the open window as the heaviest of the smoke cleared. There was a whole line of fast-food restaurants a little ways up the road. Just a quick dash... She hadn't told Applejack what she was making, after all. She could salvage the meal yet. She smirked a little and muttered "delightfully devilish, Dashie."

I can still pull this off. I'm Rainbow Dash, captain of all the Canterlot High School sports teams. I'm Rainbow Dash, champion runner. I'm Rainbow Dash, fighter of monsters. I'm Rainbow Dash, wielder of a magic gem that chose to bestow its power upon me.

I'm Rainbow Dash, and I'm a true friend, even if I'm not strictly being an honest one right now. But it's necessary. And I'm not going to let Applejack down.

She had just started to put one leg over the windowsill, while simultaneously making a mental note to never use the phrase delightfully devilish within earshot of Sunset, when the door suddenly opened.

"What in tarnation is goin' on here?"

Rain-BOW!!!

Author's Note

🎵Dashie with her crazy explanations!
Poor Applejack is gonna need some medication
When she hears Rainbow's lame exaggerations
There'll be trouble in town tonight!🎶

Rain-BOW!!!

"Uhhhhhh... Applejack! What a pleasant surprise! What brings you to the kitchen at this hour?" Rainbow said with a huge fake grin stretched across her face.

"I was under the impression there was food being prepared in here? I'm not sure about that though since you seem to be doin' one of your isometric exercises or somethin'."

"Whuh?" She suddenly remembered her left leg was still stretched across the windowsill. "Oh.. oh yeah! I mean you know what they say, you always gotta follow your ABCs... Always Be.. uh... Stretching." Her face fell a bit as she brought her leg back down to the ground.

"Your ABCs, huh?"

"I had a bad kindergarten teacher, okay?"

"We were in kindergarten together! Also, is that smoke coming out the oven right now?"

Rainbow Dash felt like a deer in headlights. Her eyes slowly panned over to the oven, which, indeed, was still billowing out black clouds. Turns out just turning off the oven hadn't actually stopped the fire that had begun inside it. Whoops.

"Ah well, ahhhhhhh NOPE! No no no, it's just uh... steam! From the steamed clams I've been making! Mmmm mmmm!" Rainbow said as she licked her lips and rubbed her stomach exaggeratedly.

Applejack's eyes rolled so far back into her head one might have thought her possessed. "Dash, I'll admit I've never made steamed clams before, but I am 100% sure that's not how you make steamed clams. And I definitely know the difference between steam and smoke."

"Hey, who's the chef here, you or me? Now just get back to the table and wait a minute!"

Applejack groaned. "If you insist, chef." She turned around and shut the door inelegantly. Immediately Rainbow Dash grabbed a nearby saucepan, filled it up, opened the oven and dumped the water on the flaming roast.

It was a bit concerning that the smoke detector hadn't gone off at all, but for the moment it was fairly serendipitous. The oven still seemed functional, in spite of everything. Not like Mom and Dad ever even use this thing anyway. She turned her attention back to the windowsill. Alright now, let's get some lunch.

Rainbow dove out the window and flashed down the street in an instant. Within moments she was faced with a whole line of potential suitors: Flickey's, Original Famous Ray's, The Singing Sirloin, The Frying Dutchman, Izzy's Deli, Fleet-a-Pita, Much Ado About Muffins. Most were either gross or out of her price range. Making a quick call, she zipped across the street (having a near-miss encounter with a large Acne Grease & Shovel truck in the process) to Big T Burgers and Fries; cheap, convenient, passable as something she could make.

She made it up to the front of the line before it occurred to her she'd left her wallet at home. She blasted out the door and zipped back inside in a matter of seconds, leaving the patrons behind her with a sudden headache and need to pop their ears.

Applejack had just about fallen asleep when Rainbow finally came through the door proudly carrying a shiny tray of... wait, what?

"Alright, Applejack, get ready for some mouthwatering hamburgers!"

"Uhhhh... what exactly happened to the steamed clams?"

"What? Oh no no no, you misheard! I said steamed hams."

"Steamed... hams."

"Yeah! It's my new word for hamburgers! Pretty neat, right?"

"And the fries?"

"Steamed yams."

It took a deep reservoir of willpower for Applejack to not dramatically facepalm right in front of Rainbow Dash. "Where in the heck did you get the name 'steamed hams' from? Is this from some weird regional dialect or somethin'? Those aren't ham, those certainly ain't yams and nothin' on this plate is even remotely steamed!"

"Look, I just thought it was a cool name, okay? Applejack, I... I worked really hard on this, you know?"

"Alright, alright already, don't get yourself worked up. I'm starved anyway. Let's eat."

They each scooped up a burger and a handful of fries. Applejack's suspicions grew tenfold the instant she took a bite.

"Say, Dash, these burgers - sorry, steamed hams - taste a heck of a lot like the ones down at Big T."

"Um, excuse me, Applejack, but these are patented DashBurgers. Patent pending. They're made by me, which makes them automatically cooler than a regular burger!"

"How much cooler? What percentage?"

"I don't know, when did this become a math test all of a sudden?"

"When did steamed hams become DashBurgers?"

"It's market research! Trying to see which name the consumer responds best to, y'know?"

Applejack just sighed and kept eating.

After finishing her burger, Rainbow Dash stood up, excused herself and bolted back into the kitchen, again shutting the door.

Aw man, aw man she knows! She totally knows, I couldn't be more transparent if I tried! I gotta make something for real! She looked around. She still had a few of the vegetables left over -- maybe she could sauté them? She quickly pulled up a recipe on her phone and then, tossing caution to the wind, prepared it at top speed, resulting in some fairly inelegant vegetable-cutting with the knife and a close call with her thumb. She tossed everything onto the skillet and twisted the knob all the way to high, then rushed back to the table.

Applejack looked up to see Rainbow Dash striding back to the table with a smug expression. "Got anything else steamin' up in the kitchen, there, Dash?"

"As a matter of fact, I do!" she said as she took her seat and another handful of fries.

"That's funny, I figured you'd be trying to duck out by now."

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

"Aw, nothin', I just..." Applejack trailed off as she noticed an odd orange glow emanating from the underneath the kitchen door... and on the sides of the kitchen door... and above the kitchen door. "Dash, what is that?"

"What's what?"

"Look at the kitchen door, Dash."

Rainbow Dash turned her head around and saw the glow. "What, that? That's just, uh... erm..." She turned back to face Applejack, who was now glaring holes into her skull. "Gyuuuuuhhhhh... it's an aurora borealis."

"Aurora borealis."

"Yup!"

"In Canterlot."

"Yup!"

"In spring."

"Yup!"

"In your kitchen."

"Yes! Are there any further clarifications you need?"

"Show it to me."

"What?"

Applejack's expression and tone were unchanged. "I've always wanted to see the Northern Lights, Rainbow Dash. I'd certainly appreciate it if you let me take a gander."

Rainbow Dash stood up. "Gahhhh, well, I'd love to but I really think this is something I should probably go hand-"

And suddenly she was cut off by the loud blare of the smoke alarm, and just as suddenly both girls were thoroughly drenched by the sprinkler system. The meal was over.

The conversation wasn't.

Dash, You're an Odd Fella

"So..... would ya mind explainin' what the heck that was all about?"

Applejack was standing on the porch steps next to a dejected Rainbow Dash, who was seated in a fetal position with her face buried deep in her legs as the last of the fire department left. Apparently, the skillet Rainbow Dash had hastily tossed on to the stovetop had eventually toppled over, after its contents had caught fire, and wound up igniting one of the kitchen rugs. Aside from the rug, there wasn't any serious fire or water damage, though a lot of the furniture would take some time to dry.

"Can we just... not?" Rainbow mumbled. "I'm already in for the lecture of a lifetime, I'll be lucky if I only get grounded for a month. I don't really want to do this with you too."

"Dash, I ain't here to yell at you. I just wanna know what happened."

"I don't know! I don't! It was so dumb, everything about it was just so dumb and I don't know why I did any of it. It was a terrible idea and... I don't know."

"Dash, how often have you cooked before?"

Rainbow Dash swallowed. "Almost never. Definitely never for any of the things I tried to make today."

"Never? Not even as practice for today?"

"Did it seem like I'd practiced?"

"I guess not. Didn't it seem a little... much for your first try with most of this stuff?"

"Yeah, probably, but it's not like that feeling's ever stopped me before! I just... really wanted to feel like I was doing something impressive."

"Whaddaya mean?"

Dash looked away and sighed. "You know me... I can't just do things by half. I needed this to be as awesome as it could be! And I... really wanted to show that I could do something like this."

"Something like cooking?" Applejack asked quizzically.

"I mean all of you can cook, right? Pinkie's like an amazing baker, you're a really good cook, Twilight had that whole "cooking with science" kick..." She stopped to breathe, then went on. "Fluttershy cooks, and... I don't really know about Rarity really, but Sunset... well she's a waitress and lives alone, she's gotta cook at least some, right?"

Applejack chuckled. "I ain't confident Rares has even heated a meal on her own, frankly. She's got a lotta strengths, but cooking ain't one of them. And, well, you're probably right about Sunset, but the only time she's ever asked me about anything food-related, it got pretty darn ridiculous."

"Oh?" Applejack could see a hint of Rainbow Dash's mischievous grin creeping back onto her face as she heard this and looked back over. "Do tell."

"Naw, I can't, I promised..." Applejack could feel the strength of that promise buckling under Rainbow's desperate need for cheering up. It took little for her to give in. "Alright, alright, but you can't ever let her know I told you. Otherwise they'll probably never find my body."

"Aww, c'mon!"

"Dash!"

"Alright, alright, whatever, just spill it already!"

I'm gonna regret this. "Well, she asked for my help in makin' a food item from her pony planet that she hadn't been able to find over here. It turns out that, uh, even talkin' horses eat hay."

"Wait, what..."

"And she wanted my help trying to figure out a way to make hayburgers in our world." She watched Rainbow start to choke back laughter as she went on. "Yeah, I know. We didn't have any shortage of hay on the farm so I was happy to give her some and give her whatever advice she needed -- but, yeah."

"So... how were they?" Rainbow asked with a cocky smile.

"Like heck if I'd ever eat it. I told her right from the start I'd rather lick the inside of a toilet bowl than eat anything she made with that stuff."

Dash snorted. "So how did she like them?"

Now it was Applejack's turn to grin. "How exactly would you imagine anyone in a human body would react to eating hay?"

The mental image nearly made Rainbow Dash keel over as she couldn't contain her laughter any more. After a moment Applejack started laughing too, both from the memory and from her friend's contagious joy.

"So," Applejack said once she managed to get some composure back, "I think what I'm sayin' is that this ain't the dumbest cookin' idea I've ever seen."

"Yeah, no, uh, that..." Dash stopped to laugh a little more. "That was good, that was hilarious."

"But I guess my question is, well, why do you care? Why's cookin' such a big deal all of a sudden? This can't just be about us seven, right? Are you trying to learn for college or something? Wait, naw, you said this was about being impressive, right? So who're you tryin' to impress?"

"Uhhhmmm... I, uh..."

"If you don't want to name names, fine, but why do you need to cook to impress them? You're Rainbow Dash, you're the star athlete of the school, you've got a power gem, you've been in movies, you're in a band, you've fought evil magic -- who wouldn't be impressed by you?"

"Someone who already has most of those same qualities might..."

"It's one of us? ...Not me, right?"

"Ahhhh, don't flatter yourself. Besides, it's not like I don't know you have a thing for R-"

In an instant, a hand seized Rainbow's mouth as Applejack looked her dead in the eyes, a dark expression on her face. "You ain't the only one here with a power gem, Rainbow Dash," she said as she picked up a rock and crushed it into powder. "Best not forget that."

".....Right," Dash said nervously once her lips were released. "Any-whooo, yes, it's one of us-"

"It's Fluttershy, isn't it?"

"HEY, NO FAIR! Why do you get to make casual threats when I tried to guess-"

"Conversation wasn't about me, now was it?" Applejack smirked.

Rainbow growled. "Fine, whatever, yes it's Fluttershy. I've been meaning to ask all year. But she's so smart and clever, and you just know she's gonna be, like, filthy stinking rich soon! She'll be a vet who can talk to animals. Who's not gonna want her services? She's gonna be this famous celebrity vet who's always working, all the time, and if we're together... I, like, wanna be someone who can do stuff for her. Who can take care of her, and can take care of myself. I don't want to have to ever ask her to be doing stuff for me on top of everything she'll be doing, y'know? The least I should be able to do is cook my own food."

Applejack took a moment to process that. "Wow. For someone as impulsive as you, you really think pretty far ahead when it comes to relationships. Especially since you haven't even asked her out yet."

"Hey, I'm... I'm working on that part."

"Well, I'll help ya. No sweat." Applejack laid a hand on Rainbow Dash's back. "But don't get so worked up over these things, Dash! If learning to cook's that important to you, I can help with that too. And I'm sure Pinkie Pie and any of the rest of us would do the same. But don't let little things like that keep you from doing what you want. Don't be so nervous. Fluttershy likes you for who you are, and I'm sure she'll remember that when you ask her."

"Fine. But you have to ask... you-know-who too!"

"Hey, that's diff... differ..." Applejack blushed. "Aw shoot. Fine, you've got yourself a deal."

"Ha! It is her! I was bluffing but I knew it!"

"Yeah, yeah..."

Rainbow stood up and cheered, and now it was Applejack's turn to assume the fetal position out of sheer embarrassment. Eventually Rainbow Dash sat back down, still laughing a bit. "Ah... well, it might be a while before I can take you up on any cooking offers. I, uh... doubt I'll be allowed anywhere near the kitchen anytime soon."

"Hey, if it helps, I'll stay here and try to explain things to your folks with you."

"Thanks."

"And, for what it's worth... I thought you steamed a pretty good ham in there."

"Shut up!" Rainbow shouted as she punched her friend in the arm. They both descended into giggles.

Epilogue: Heeeelllllp!

"So... you're only grounded for a week?"

"Yeah, and my parents cancelled my allowance to cover the damage. But it was only gonna last through the end of the school year anyway. I'm, uh... I'm really glad you stuck up for me."

"Anytime, Dash," Applejack said as she and Rainbow Dash walked up the front steps to Canterlot High on a warm Monday morning. "So... what's your plan for asking out Fluttershy?"

"Hey, not so loud!" Dash hissed. They darted into an empty corner just outside the school doors. "I mean... like I said, I'm grounded for a week, so, like, that gives me a week to figure out something really cool, right?"

Applejack chuckled. "Everything that happened yesterday, and you're still goin' the 'go big or go home' route with this?"

"Well, obviously! Just maybe with a few less... fire-startable materials."

"You mean inflammable?"

"No, no, flammable!"

"They mean the same thing, Dash."

Dash was still trying to process this information when a familiar voice called out to them. "Hey Applejack! Rainbow Dash! Where's everybody else?"

The two of them turned and saw the friendly visage of Sunset Shimmer reaching the top of the steps and striding towards them. "Oh, hey Sunset," Applejack responded. "Haven't run into anyone else yet, they must be inside already."

"I think Twilight's running late, she should be here soon. I heard about what happened yesterday. Everything alright?"

"Dash's folks handled it a little better than expected."

"Well, that's good to hear. Hey Dash!"

Applejack glanced over and noticed an oddly evil smirk on Rainbow Dash's face as she spoke. "Oh, hey Sunset."

"Um... hey? Everything okay?"

"Nothing to worry about. Just maybe thinking about hittin' the hay. Or maybe a burger."

Applejack's blood ran cold. Dash, you filthy traitor! What bonehead decided you were the avatar of loyalty?

Sunset cocked her head. "Already? What do you mean?"

"I just mean I'm feeling hungry as a horse right about now." And to seal the deal, Dash winked.

"Rainbow..." Applejack growled desperately, but it was too late. The gears in Sunset's head were turning.

"Rainbow Dash, what are you talking... about..."

Applejack could see the lightbulb go off inside Sunset as her eyes widened, then narrowed drastically. Within an instant, Sunset's warm, open demeanor was gone, replaced with the cold glare of a feral, bloodthirsty predator. A predator who was now staring directly at Applejack.

Beads of sweat were running down her forehead as Applejack gulped. She glanced at Rainbow, who seemed to be realizing the gravity of her error in judgment. And then she heard a guttural rasp issue from Sunset Shimmer's throat as flames licked the edge of her face.

"You... you little sneak... you promised..."

"Now, now hold on a minute there, Sunset, you don't understand-"

"Oh, don't I? Maybe you should come and let me read your mind…"

Just then, Twilight Sparkle appeared from behind Sunset and seized her by the arms, shouting "Happy thoughts, Sunset! Happy thoughts!" She looked at Rainbow and Applejack and hissed "Run!" as Sunset reared back and tried to shake the bespectacled bookworm off of her. Rainbow Dash grabbed Applejack by the wrist and yanked her away into the distance, leaving dust hanging in the air and creating a mild sonic boom.

Sunset finally managed to wrest herself free of Twilight, then turned to the horizon. "YOU CAN'T HIDE FOREVER!" she bellowed. "YOU'RE OUT THERE SOMEWHERE, APPLEJACK, AND I'LL FIND YOU!!!"

Somewhere in the far distance, Rainbow Dash replied, "No you won't!"

"YES I WILL!!!!"

"Won't."

Author's Note

Ah, she’ll forgive them by the end of the day. At least Dash and AJ know where they can hide out and get some burgers.