Chapters Ramirez, beat friendship!
Meet Private Ramirez, a proud member of the United States army rangers, unlike other army rangers, he's widely known across all military branches for his ability to accomplish any task he is ordered to do. He once killed 4 Russian paratroopers with one bullet, he once dug a mile deep hole into granite with a spork, he once punched the Galactic empire's death star. He once challenged the flash to a foot race, and won. He also has an unexplainably high tolerance to pain.
2017, Langley air force base, Virginia, United States of America
Pvt. Rameriz, Cpl.Dunn, and the other Rangers, sat around the mess, all doing their own things, suddenly, Sgt Foley came barging in, laptop in hand.
"Guys! Recently, I've discovered this show, its called "My Little Pony: Friendship is magic." Cpl. Dunn looked at Sgt. Foley, confused.
"Oh no, please don't tell you're a-"
"Hell no, I'm not a brony! Those people are straight up weird!" One of the Rangers hid a coloring page behind his back. "There's these characters in the show, referred to as the 'main six' I don't like them, they're utterly infuriating!"
"How so?" Asked Corporal Dunn.
"Well, for one, they're names are... well, they're weird. There's Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Pinkie pie." The platoon burst into laughter.
"Compose yourselves!" They quieted down.
"Next point, they're a bunch of walking stereotypes! They're supposed to represent Magic, Loyalty, honesty, kindness, generosity, and laughter."
"Well, I don't see what's wrong with that. Heck, we've got a few of those morals in our creed!"
"It's not they're values that are the problem! It's the way they represent them. As the show name suggests, they're ponies, pastel colored ones at that, there's unicorns and pegasi and... sort of normal one's! They have this thing called 'The magic of friendship", and the way they go on using it, bragging about it, the way they treat it, its... Gahhh, annoying!"
"So, it's just a cartoon. What do you want us to do about it?" Asked Cpl. Dunn.
"Ummm... Ramirez, I want you to find these ponies, and teach them to not be hipsters!"
"Uh, Sargent, I think you need permission from the pentagon before you authorize something like that." One of the Rangers responded.
"Well, to hell with that! It's just a cartoon after all, right?" The other Rangers began cheering Ramirez on.
"Go! Go! Go!" Ramirez got off the couch, and ran out the doorway, down the hallway, to the base's armory.
"Hey there Ramirez, whatca up to-" The Air force officer saw the crazed look behind Pvt. Ramirez's sunglasses, and opened the armory for him without question.
"Who sent you, let me guess, Sgt. Foley?" Ramirez nodded. He grabbed his helmet, an M16A4 Rifle, with an M203 40mm grenade launcher, a half dozen frag grenades, a bowie knife, his vest, and his helmet. He slammed a fresh magazine into his rifle, and ran back out the armory door.
"Should we stop him?" Asked one of the security guards.
"Nah, that's Pvt. Ramirez, only reason he's in full kit is because Foley ordered him to do something stupidly absurd again."
"Eh, fair point."
Ramirez charged back down the hallway and barged back into the mess hall. He looked around for a moment.
"Uh, what's Ramirez doin-" Ramirez switched on the TV, pressed play on an episode of MLP, and kicked a hole in the TV, a bright purple light shone though it. Without hesitation, he jumped into it. The light faded behind him.
"What the #### did I just see?" Asked one of the Rangers, with an expression of disbelief and confusion on his face.
"Well, what Ramirez does best, following orders!"
Meanwhile...
"My Little Pony, My Little Pon-"The show's intro was interrupted when the desert camouflaged form of Pvt. Ramirez flew though the sky, crashing just outside Ponyville.
"What was that?" Rainbow Dash flew down to examine the long skid mark which Ramirez had made.
"Owwww..." Ramirez pushed himself to his feet, and looked up, to see the face of Rainbow Dash, staring him bac in face.
"What are you?" She wondered, the being held a strange black stick in it's... paws?
"Ramirez, do you copy!?" Yelled Sgt. Foley over the radio. Ramirez grunted back in affirmation.
"That's Rainbow Dash, the element of loyalty!" Pvt. Ramirez raised his M16 into the air and fired off a three round burst above her head. She dropped to the ground in terror.
"Ramirez, asked you to teach them a lesson, not kill them, go help her up!" Ramirez shrugged at the sky, and walked over to Rainbow Dash. He held out a gloved hand.
"You piece of-" Rainbow stopped, and looked up at the strange bipedal creature standing in front of her. He grabbed her by the forehoof, and pulled her to full Height.
"Ummm, what?" She watched as Ramirez walked away from her, into town.
"Oh, no, where do you think you're going!?" She flew up to Ramirez, staring into his black sunglasses.
"Ramirez, don't let her stop you!" He pushed her aside, and continued walking.
"Why yo-" She flew towards him, intending to kick him square in the face. He grabbed her out of the air, and dragged her along behind him.
"Ummm, how are you so strong!?" He didn't answer back, continuing to drag her along. He stepped into town, and looked around. Sure enough, it was just as weird as Foley had told him, every building in sight seemed to be painted with a grotesque pink outline. He walked down the street, dragging Rainbow though the air in one hand, and holding his M16 in the other. As he approached the town square, he noticed the Rainbow had begun to shout for help.
"Ramirez, calm the pegasus down!" He whipped himself around, reaching into his belt, he pulled out a piece of ducktape, slapping it over Rainbow's mouth. He gave her a single scratch on the head, only serving to anger her more. Before continuing to pull her towards the...where was he supposed to go again?
"Ramirez, find the rest of the six!" Foley shouted over his radio. This, Rainbow heard. She had to find a way to get this creatures attention. So, she stopped hovering for a moment, and dropped to the ground. Ramirez turned to look back at her. She moved her hoof across her mouth. Understanding exactly what the pony wanted, Ramirez pulled the piece of tape away.
"What do you want with my friends?" Ramirez remained silent. He pulled out a copy of the Rangers creed from one his vest pockets. He pointed to a section, Rainbow looked closer.
"leadership, stability, and continuity during war and peace." It read. He gestured to another section.
"loyalty, duty, respect, selfless service, honor, integrity, and personal courage."
"Huh, loyalty eh? You might not be so bad after all. Follow me." She began trotting towards Twilights library. He stood there, motionless.
"Ramirez, what are you waiting for, go knock some common sense into 'em!" He turned, and walked off towards Rainbow dash.
Meanwhile at Langley...
The army rangers crowded around Sgt. Foley, listening to the situation unfolding.
"Hey, Sargent, could you ask Ramirez to get an autograph for me?" Asked Cpl. Dunn. The rest of them looked back at Dunn with confusion.
"What, I'm interested in this whole 'Magic thing' so what?"
"Corporal, 20 pushups, now!"
"Alright sir." Dunn muttered begrudgingly.
Ramirez, beat friendship!
They don't to seem get it
Rainbow led Pvt. Ramirez down the street to Twilight's library, the towns residents watched, murmuring to themselves.
"Ramirez, be warned, ponies tend to flee in terror from new creatures, give 'em a proper greeting!" Sgt. Foley shouted over the radio. Ramirez raised his hand and gave the townsfolk a friendly wave, they just looked at him, confused.
"What are you doing?" Asked Rainbow, Ramirez didn't answer back. Rainbow just gave the crowd a nervous "I dunno" shrug, and continued on her way.
Finally, they made it to Twilight's library. The 2 of them stepped inside.
"Ramirez, be on guard, ponies are well known for supris-" Ramirez was greeted by an overly excited Pinkie pie.
"Hello there, My names Pinkie, you must be Private Ramirez, right!? Oh, my pinkie senses told me all about you! Let me guess... You're here to try and make friends with us?"
"Eh, close! Enough he's here to teach y'all some good ol' common sense!" Replied Sgt. Foley.
"Oh, who's that? I can't see you!" Foley groaned in annoyance.
"Anyway, where's your leader? Twilight?"
"Right here, what do you want?" Twilight and the rest of the six walked in from the other side of the library, Pinkie and Rainbow Dash joined them.
"Ramirez, put your radio on speaker phone!" He reached into his vest.
"Greeting's ponies! This is Pvt. Ramirez, I'm Sargent Foley, his commanding officer! We're from the United States! The reason he is standing before you is simple, I ordered him to teach you all the magic of common sense!" They looked at the towering form of Pvt. Ramirez in confusion.
"Magic of...common sense?" Asked Applejack.
"Yes! Unlike your bull#### 'Magic of Friendship' The magic of common sense is actually useful! It's the reason Ramirez is here before you now!"
"How does it work?" Questioned Twilight.
"Simple, you act with, well... Common Sense! Logic, if ya catch my drift!?" Foley's statement did absolutely nothing to lessen their confusion.
"Ramirez, give 'em an example!" Ramirez walked over to a table, picked up a potted plant, moved it to the very edge of the table.
"Now, that's not that safe is it? Someone could knock it over!" Foley said, booming with laughter. Pvt. Ramirez moved it back.
"Simple as that, put thought into everything you do, and you won't fail! Nothing can stop the magic of common sense!" One of the Army Ranger's crowded around the comm set back at Langley and looked at Sgt. Foley with a look of disapproval on their faces.
"Magic of 'Common Sense' sir? That's really the best you could come up with?" A few of them snickered.
"Yes." Foley responded back.
"I'm afraid you'll have to try a little harder to convince us." Said Twilight.
"Yeah, we've got these things called 'The elements of harmony' with them, we're unstoppable!" Shouted Rainbow.
The six of them pulled each other together for a group hug.
"Ramirez, stop their nonsense!" Ramirez walked over to them, and pried them apart.
"Hey, what's the deal with you!?" Asked Rainbow, flying back up to Ramirez's face, he stared back at her, sternly and unmoving.
"Ramirez, don't let them push you around!" Ramirez stood there, unmoving.
"If you all still ain't convinced, that there's something else Ramirez has got to show you!" Ramirez once again pulled out his Ranger's creed, and passed it to Twilight.
"These are just the elements of harmony! There's no such thing as the magic of common sense!"
"There is if I say so!"
"How are we supposed to know if you're telling the truth?"
"Ramirez, try again!" He ran outside, looking for a way to prove it to them. He spotted the fountain in the center of town, he got an idea. He ran past Twilight, grabbed a pair of metal buckets, punctured the bottom of one with his knife, and left the other whole. He scooped up some water with both of them.
"So, tell me, which one should you use?" Foley asked.
"Well, isn't it obvious? The one that doesn't have a hole in the bottom!" Replied Applejack, the others nodded in agreement.
"That's only half of the answer, if you had common sense, you wouldn't have picked up the broken one at all!" Ramirez grabbed some duck tape from his belt, and slapped it over the hole.
"Good as new! Ramirez, give them back their bucket!" He tossed it back to Twilight, who caught it in a levitation field.
"But I still don't see what this has to do with magic!" At this point, the Rangers back at Langley were busting with laughter, meanwhile, Sgt. Foley sat at his desk, radio in hand, smacking his head in frustration.
"Ramirez, back hand her across the snout!" He walked up to Twilight and smacked her.
"Oww! What was that for!?"
"Have you seen yourselves!? Talkin' all high and mighty about your magic of friendship! Besides, how can an emotion even be considered magic?" They looked at Ramirez, confused.
"Alright you want proof? Here ya go." Applejack walked over to one of the ponies watching the scene unfold and gave them an apple, they thanked her, and walked away, clearly satisfied.
"So? How does that prove anything, that pony was just being courteous, like any other sentient being with half a brain would!" They looked at him in frustration.
"Since we clearly aren't getting anywhere like this, perhaps we should try something else to convince this 'Private Ramirez' a competition perhaps?" Asked Rarity.
"Good idea, us, versus you. You'll try to solve problems you way, we'll try to solve them our way, deal?" Asked Rainbow Dash. Sgt. Foley though about it for a moment.
"What problem's exactly?"
"I believe I can help with that!" Discord stepped out of a town.
"Discord? When did you get here?" A few of the ponies cried. Ramirez quietly began to raise his rifle.
"Ramirez, calm down, that's Discord, the lord of chaos, he's actually one of the few beings in this world with a drop of sense!"
"Glad to know you think so highly of me!"
"Can it abomination, I said drop of sense, you're still mentally retarded by my standards!"
"Whatever, anyway, about those 'problems' I actually just got back from talking with the royal sisters, and they've authorized me to do this!" He snapped one of his claws, and they appeared on a glacier, a mountain sat before them.
"At the top of that mountain is a crashed airship, rescue it's passengers!" He disappeared.
"Wait, how are we- and he's already gone."
"Ramirez, you heard him! Rescue the colorful horses!" Completely unfazed by the cold, Pvt. Ramirez grabbed an ice pick from his rucksack, and began to scale the ice crusted cliff face.
Ramirez, beat friendship!
Ranger- I mean...Ramirez, lead the way!
Pvt. Ramirez grappled onto the first ledge, pulling himself up. An angry look in his eye, these ponies had said something which contradicted the orders of his commanding officer. And he wasn't about to let his fellow Ranger's down, or himself for that matter. He pressed on, not even breaking a sweat.
Far below, the main six struggled their way up the side of the mountian.
"Come on girls, we can do it, there's ponies up there waiting for us!" They groaned, the altitude, and the cold had begun to take it's toll on them.
"Huh, can't we...stop...for... a...moment?" Rarity asked, out of breath.
"No, we can't let him beat us!" Twilight called out, they continued on.
Half an hour later...
Ramirez was almost to the summit, meanwhile, the main six were only about 2/3rd's of the way up the mountains. To make matters worse for them, a blizzard had come in. Temporarily grounding Rainbow.
"How do we know Discord wasn't lying!?" Rainbow asked over the wind.
"We don't!" Shouted Twilight.
"Uh, help!" They looked over to find Fluttershy, clinging to the cliff face in terror.
"What are you doing? You can fly!" Shouted Applejack. She turned to grab her friends hoof, but to her surprise, she found a gloved hand grabbing her first, pulling her back over the cliff. She turned to see the frost covered form of Ramirez, staring them down.
"Quick thinking Ramirez, now, go rescue the others!" He turned and began to climb back up the face.
"But-how?" The rest of them watched as he disappeared into the snowstorm.
"Thank you..." Fluttershy whispered out, Ramirez was already out of earshot.
Ramirez pulled himself over the edge of the peak, scanning the summit for the wreckage, it didn't take long for him to find it, logged in between 2 boulders. He approached it, igniting a flare. Following along it's hull for a way in, he found soon found one. A half broken doorway. Using his hands, he pried it apart, and peered inside. It was dark, he stepped inside. He could hear rustling noises coming from around the corner, he crept farther into the dark interior, he could hear whimpering from one of the cabins. He raised his foot and kicked the ice crusted door in. Within, he found a group of ponies, huddled around a fire. At first, they didn't notice him, he snapped, and they turned to see him. They looked up at him with a mixture of wonder and terror. One of them spoke up.
"Hello,who are you?" The voice sounded femine in nature, Ramirez didn't answer back. He gestured to the doorway.
"You're... here to rescue us?" He nodded. They got up off the floor.
"Well then, lead the way!" He turned and began to walk through the door, Sgt. Foley stopped him.
"Ramirez, there could be more, keep looking!"
"Uh, who's that?" They asked.
"Sgt. Foley's the name, saving you's the game! Or rather, it's Ramirez who's playing, I'm just his commanding officer." They looked at him, confused.
"You ponies don't mind telling me if there's any other passengers on board?"
"No, just the 7 of us."
"Alright then, Ramirez, get them back down the mountain!" He motioned for them to follow him again, they left the airship's wreckage, stepping back out into the cold. On the far side of the summit, Ramirez could see Twilight and her friend, stumbling over the side. They spotted him as soon as they were over the edge. The look on their faces changed from one of triumph to one of confusion and disbelief.
"How did you get up here before us!?" Asked Rainbow Dash.
"Well, that doesn't matter, he found the passengers...all of them, right?" Ramirez paused for a moment, and nodded.
"I see you've done what I asked you!" Discord appeared. And the 7 passengers disappeared.
"Don't worry, they're safe back at home's, now, for the next challenge!" He snapped again, and the snowy summit changed to a grassy field.
"What now?"
"Simple, beat Private Ramirez here at a race."
"What kind of race?" Asked Twilight.
"Just a race, anything goes, first one to... that tree over there wins!" He pointed off at the horizon, there stood a single lone, massive oak tree.
"Well, ok. Don't worry, I've got this!" Rainbow stepped forward, and trotted over to Ramirez, a smug look on her face, as soon as she stood next to Ramirez, Discord began counting down.
"On your mark's, get set, go!"
"Ramirez, ruin that pegasi's ego. Win!" Rainbow flew into the sky, high above Ramirez, meanwhile, he took of on foot, as fast as he could.
"Hah, do you really think you can beat me like tha-" Her voice trailed off when she saw that Ramirez was beginning to pick up speed, fast.
"Oh no you don't!" She flew faster in a vain attempt to surpass him. She watched as he slowly turned to a blur, shooting across the field at a speeds that for all intents and purpose's, shouldn't have been possible. Rainbow tried to keep up as best as she could. She watched helplessly as Ramirez stopped at the oak tree, fatigues smoking from the acceleration. She groaned in defeat and flew down to him.
"Hey, good race, you're uh...you're smold-" He gave his uniform a tug, and the embers stopped glowing. She noticed that he was panting.
"Out of breath already? I could go all day!" As soon as Ramirez heard that, his heavy breathing stopped. He turned, to see the rest of the six approaching them.
"How did you do that!?" Twilight demanded. Ramirez stood still.
"Sure is a quiet one, ain't he?" Applejack said. Discord reappeared.
"Alright, next, I'm not giving you any context for this one!" He snapped again. They appeared in the middle the changeling hive.
"Well, I must be going now!" He disappeared, leaving the 7 of them alone in the dark corridor.
"Ah ponyfeathers! How are we supposed to make it out of here?"
"L...umm-" Twilight looked over at Ramirez, who was staring blankly down the corridor. Without telling them, he took off down one.
"Well, I guess we're going that way!" They hurried off after him.
"Ramirez, find a way out of this place!" Foley shouted over the radio. He turned back to look at the other Ranger''s, still listening to the shenanigan's unfolding in Equestria.
"I'm hungry, who else is hungry?" They nodded. Foley swung his swivel chair around to face Cpl. Dunn.
"Dunn, hit up Burger Town! Usually I'd ask Ramirez... but he's off frocking with pastel colored horses! You know the drill!" Cpl. Dunn groaned, and headed out the door.
Back in Equestria, Ramirez continued his way down the hallway, M16 raised, a grin on his face. He came to wide open chamber. Inside was about a dozen bug looking creatures, in the center of the room, on a throe of sorts, sat a large one, when it caught sight of Ramirez, it snarled.
"Just who are you, and what are you doing in my hive!?"It called out, the smaller bug around it formed into a defensive circle.
"Ramirez, squash that bug!" He fried his M203 into the crowd of black horse bug things, just as Twilight and her friend's entered into the room.
Ramirez, beat friendship!
The swarm guarding the large one was torn to shreds, Ramirez laid his eyes on the large one and charged her. He jumped over what was left of her royal guard, and tackled her.
"Ah, Who- what are you!?" Chrysalis' gaze shifted to the far side of the room, there, though the smoke she could see a glowing purple orb. One she recognized all to much.
"Princess!" She sneered. The shield faded, revealing Twilight and her friends, now staring in shock at the carnage which Ramirez had inflicted on the chamber.
Without a second thought, Ramirez raised his boot, and brought it down one Chrysalis' skull. Knocking her unconscious. Dropping her on the floor, he looked back at the six, and gave them a thumbs up. The scene around them changed to nice, quiet field just outside of Ponyville.
Meanwhile back on Earth...
Cpl. Dunn left Langley and headed down the highway towards Burger Town he turned of the highway and pulled into the parking lot. When he laid eyes on it, he shivered. He remembered all to well what had happened here during the 3rd world war, albeit, it was fully repaired now. He stepped out of his truck, and headed inside, taking a place in line. When he caught eye of the cashier, his enthusiasm faded. It was a Russian paratrooper, more specifically, one of the one's he had fought against in DC. He barged to the front of the line.
"You, what the hell are you doing here!" He demanded.
"Oh, calm down comrade. I get job in states, no hard feelings, eh?" Dunn groaned, and gave him his order. Which to his surprise, was fulfilled quite fast. He snatched it up, and headed back to Langley.
"Gosh, I bet Ramirez is having the time of his life right now."
Discord reappeared in front of them.
"You're kidding right?" Foley asked over the radio.
"No, I am not sergeant."
"Well, alright then...Ramirez, bake a cake!"
"Oh, I'm great at this!" Pinkie stepped forward.
"#### Ramirez, get going!" He headed off towards the Ponyville.
"When he arrived, he found that she was already in the process of doing so."
"Ramirez, fight nonsense with nonsense!"
"Alright, I'm done-" Just as Pinkie brought hers out of the oven, Ramirez dropped a freshly baked cake on the table in front of her.
"Huh?" She looked at him, confused, there wasn't a pony in Equestrian that could bake faster than her, yet somehow, this Ramirez beat her.
"Good work!" She complemented, Ramirez grunted in response. He walked back outside.
"Well, I was wrong, maybe the is such a thing as the magic of common sen-" She was interrupted when a bright flash of light filled the entire street. When it cleared, floating just off the ground was the spirit of harmony itself, it had taken the form of Twilight.
"Element's , what are you doing!?" It called out.
"You can't just let this human win!"
"But he did, fair and square!" Twilight shouted back.
"No, he didn't, quick, use the elements on him!"
"Why should we-" Rainbow as cut off when the spirit of harmony remotely activated the elements, causing the six to involuntarily rise into the air.
"Ramirez, stop that glowing thing!" He drew his knife, and charged the spirt of harmony. Just before his knife made contact, it disappeared, leaving Ramirez alone in the street with the six. Who were beginning to glow.
"Ramirez, brace yourself!" He raised his arm to shield himself from the multicolored light just as it came down on him. When it faded. Ramirez, was gone, in his place lay a brown earth pony, clad in Ranger fatigues.
"Ramirez, unponify yo sorry ass right this instant!" He looked off into the distance, towards the Everfree forest, ad took off towards it.
"Uh, what's Ramirez doing" Asked Rainbow.
"I don't know." Replied Twilight." Perhaps the elements messed with his head?"
"We should stop him."
"Agreed."
Meanwhile Ramirez galloped though the Everfree frost, ignoring the six's cries for him to stop. He eventually did, at the entrance to a cave. He peered inside, there, inside was a tree made of crystals. He approached it. Drawing a pair of fragmentation grenades from his belt, which was significantly harder with hooves, the Spirit of Harmony appeared in front of him.
"Let's talk about this, think about what you're doing for a second." He pushed it's ethereal form aside, and planted the grenade's at the base of the tree. The spirits mood changed to one of pure desperation.
"Please, don't do this!"
"Tell you what, you unponify Ramirez, here, and I won't give him the order to blow you sky high!"
"Deal! Deal!" It disappeared, and Ramirez, flash of light engulfed Ramirez, changing him back into a human.
"Ramirez, flip that tree the bird!" He walked away from it, slowly raising his middle finger behind his back. As he exited the cave, he was approached by the six.
"What happened!?" They asked him. He didn't respond. Walking back to Ponyville.
"Hey, open up!" Sgt. Foley and the other Ranger's heard banging on the barracks door, and the voice of the base's commander, 2 star Air Force general Bellman. They let quickly him in, flanked by a pair of guards.
"What's going on inn here?" He asked Foley.
"Well sir, I asked Pvt. Ramirez to... er... go to the My Little Pony universe."
"You what!? You cannot be serious."
"Yep, he's on the radio right now. Ramirez, say hello!" A grunt came though the radio.
"I'm not convinced."
"Ramirez, convince Gen. Bellman!"
"Hello, this Twilight Sparkle, who's there?"
"Well, I'll be damned!" The General exclaimed, gritting his teeth.
Ramirez, looked back at the six, gave them a double thumbs up, and disappeared in a flash of light.
"Where did he go?" Asked Rainbow.
"I haven't the slightest, what were we supposed to be doing today again?"
Ramirez appeared back in their quarters. Causing everyone around him to jump.
"Oh, you're back." The platoon looked at the smoking form of Pvt. Ramirez.
"What happened out there Private?" The General inquired. Ramirez didn't respond. He walked right past the Air Force officers, stopping at Foley.
"Foley, I want a promotion." Ramirez said to him, standing so still it seemed to the others that he was dead.
"Hmm... Dunn!"
"Yes Sergeant?"
Ramirez is herby promoted to the rank of corporal, get us some victory ice cream!"
"No need." Ramirez reached into his field pack and puled out the cake he had made earlier, unbroken and whole.
"But, hu-" General Bellman put his hand on his head, and fainted right there.
"Ramirez, the cake will have to wait. Get the General to the gawddaum infirmary!" He sighed, and slung the general over his shoulder.
