Got a problem to solve? IRON WILL'S ON THE JOB!
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Got a problem to solve? IRON WILL'S ON THE JOB!
“Phew, I thought they’d never leave,” Celestia sighed as one of the last appointments of her long day left. “I can’t believe I just got asked for a tax break so he could build a bigger pool.”
She massaged her jaws with both hooves lest the fake smile she wore during royal court get permanently etched there. Maybe she should head to the spa later.
"I can't believe you gave him the tax break," Raven, her unicorn assistant dead-panned, adjusting her glasses.
"He implied he might eat all the cake at the next banquet before I got any!" said Celestia. "What was I supposed to do?"
“Of course your Majesty," Raven sighed. "Regardless, you have one more appointment today. It seems to be... oh dear."
Before Celestia could ask what was so dear about it, the side entrance to the throne room opened, a yawning Luna entering and groggily moving to sit on her own throne and rubbing the sleep from her eyes.
“Oh, you’re up at an odd time, sister?” Celestia head-tilted.
“My understanding was that there was a visitor that Twilight wished us to speak to as one,” Luna said before yawning again and using her magic to fix her sleep-mane.
Celestia turned back to her assistant to ask, “Who did you say…”
Just then, the main doors of the throne room opened with an explosive bang, rattling the windows and sending a gust of wind through the throne room. Assuming it was another invader wishing to conquer Equestria, Celestia instinctively moaned dramatically and toppled to the floor. Luna didn’t even look to see who it was before she got up and walked back towards the side exit.
"Raven... call Twilight..." Celestia said weakly.
"I'll be taking a nap," Luna said. "Let me know when it's over."
“Um… this isn’t an attack, Princesses,” Raven pointed out awkwardly, raising her voice so she could be heard.
Celestia opened her eyes and raised her head. “What? Then who…”
“Got a problem to solve?” the powerful voice of Iron Will shivered through their very souls. “IRON WILL’S ON THE JOOOB!”
Both princesses looked towards the entrance with wide eyes and slack faces. Before them stood none other than the stunning Iron Will. He puffed out his monstrous chest, his wide arms flexed to his sides and then downward in front of him. He wore a stoic look of determination on his face, as if he faced his greatest challenge ever.
"Oh it's um..." Celestia rose from the floor and tapped her chin. "The um..."
"Who are you again?" Luna asked with an annoyed tone, not quite heading back to her throne yet just in case.
“Iron Will is here to CURB STOMP your psychological issues!” Iron Will clarified, flexing his pecs back and forth, undulating them grotesquely. “And he has a PH.D. in KICKING AAAAASS!”
“This is the appointment,” Raven clarified further, taking a step back, then eyeing the throne a moment before opting to stand behind it. Iron Will was getting spittle all over the room with his screaming.
“Oh, of course…” Celestia stretched a moment as if to play off the collapse, flushing slightly as she trotted back to her throne and sat regally. Her confused look was replaced with an unconvincing smile, clearing her throat. She remembered hearing of Iron Will now that they mentioned it, but didn’t know a lot about him. It must have been important though if Twilight was the one that asked him to meet them.
Luna similarly moved to sit on her throne. She sat with the same royal posture, but her face was far less amused. She’d rather still be dealing with Rainbow Dash’s nightmare about Pinkie's cupcake dungeon than this.
“Let’s get right to the point!” Iron Will turned dramatically as he took several steps closer, ending up with one arm flexed up behind him as the other pointed at the princesses. “You! Are! WIMPS!”
“P-pardon me?” Celestia blinked. She’d never had any creature speak to her like that, at least not during royal court.
“I’d have to agree,” said Luna, slouching in her throne when she realized how annoying this would be. “I mean I kicked her to the curb in about 10 minutes when I returned from the Moon. Then I stood there for another 10 because I thought it was a feint to attack me when I got closed, but no, she was out cold.”
“You did not!” Celestia glared back at her sister. “I was… only pretending to be defeated because I was… testing Twilight. Besides. I think he was talking to BOTH of us.”
“What?” Luna glared back at Celestia, then turned her gaze to Iron Will. “Brave words, minotaur. You best explain them quickly or your dreams for the next month will all be about taking tests you didn’t study for while dressed in the pinkest of ballerina outfits.”
“Iron Will ALWAYS means what he saaaid!” Iron Will spun around with his back facing them, flexing his back muscles as well. “Iron Will is here to explain to you how not to be pushovers!”
“Very well,” sighed Celestia. “I suppose if Twilight asked you to come, we can at least hear you out.”
“Great!” Iron Will took a few more steps towards the throne, the floor rattling under the impacts of his mighty hooves. “Let’s start with a thought experiment! Let’s say some terrible fiend were to break through those doors with intent to take over Equestria! What would you DOOOooooooOOO?”
He pointed at Celestia, the movement sending a gust of wind swirling around the throne room.
“Scream dramatically and collapse?” Celestia guessed. She wondered why he asked when she’d clearly done that just a moment ago.
“WROOOONG!” Iron Will said, pointing at Luna for her answer.
“Go take a nap and wait for it to be over,” said Luna, rolling her eyes. “Obviously.”
“Possibly even more wrong!” Iron Will yelled. “And Iron Will didn’t even know that was possible! Try agaaaain!”
“Um,” Celestia tapped her chin with one hoof, trying to think of anything else. “Run away?”
“Oh I know!” Luna added, smiling smugly as she devised the answer. “Blame myself and have a mental breakdown.”
“Wait for Twilight to take care of it?” asked Celestia, smiling smugly as well and waiting for Iron Will to tell them that they were correct and leave the meeting.
Iron Will brought one hand to his face, raising the other in a silence motion, raising a single finger to shush them. He took a deep breath, realizing that this challenge might exceed even his most liberal estimates. But he was up for the job! They can’t understand? GIVE THEM A HAND!
“So… those were the right answers?” asked Celestia after a few moments of awkward silence. "And mine was better than my sister's answer, yes?"
"Don't be absurd, sister," Luna grunted. "Mister Iron Will was just about to tell us how I was correct and can go back to sleep while he trains you further."
“No, and no,” dead-panned Iron Will, then returned to his previous enthusiasm, leaping to stand between the thrones, almost toppling them with the impact. “Let’s try something else, my royal friends! I have enlisted the aid of several EXPERTS to aid us in some roleplay. They will arrive, try to take over Equestria, and you will defend it!”
“Oh, I understand now,” Celestia nodded.
“I shall do my best if it means I can go back to sleep,” sighed Luna.
“Iron Will is ready!” Iron Will pointed at the ceiling. “Make your entrance!”
In a flash of white light, Discord appeared in front of the throne. Though he didn’t look very intimidating at the moment. He was seating at a pink table in a tiny chair that barely fit him. Opposite him was Fluttershy, who was politely pouring him some tea.
“What are you doing?” Iron Will demanded of his assistant as he walked up to them. “You agreed to assist in Iron Will’s demonstration, and now you stop for tea? You better get your act together, or Iron Will is gonna-”
“Oh don’t even try,” Discord rolled his eyes. “I don’t even take real threats seriously, so don’t expect to cower me by flexing those cancerous-looking lumps all over your body.”
“Oh, hi Princesses!” Fluttershy waved and smiled, then sat back down after pouring the eat, picking up her tea cup. "Hello Iron Will as well! It's good to see you again!"
Iron Will huffed, but did wave back at Fluttershy. Not even he was willing to risk making her sad.
“Trust me,” Discord assured Iron Will. “This is all I have to do to defeat them. Seriously, all I did was show up last time and she immediately gave up.”
“That’s preposterous!” Even Iron Will had more faith in them than to think they would give in to such a…
Suddenly there was a loud crash behind Iron Will. He turned, flexing preemptively in case he had to battle, only to find both thrones toppled over backwards, Celestia and Luna seeming to have been flung against the wall behind them for some reason. Raven, who had been hiding behind one, was pinned underneath.
“Raven,” Celestia raised a weak hoof to her assistant. “Quickly… call Twilight.”
“Fine…” sighed Raven, pulling out a quill and magic parchment before she even bothered to check if she'd broken anything.
“You will belay that order!” Iron Will was next to her in a flash, snatching away the parchment and quill, crushing them in his fish so tightly that they burst into flames under the pressure, blowing away as ashes from his mighty fist. He effortlessly flipped the throne up and off the poor assistant, then explained more calmly. “Twilight specified in our contract that she would not assist the Princesses during this exercise.”
“What?” Celestia blinked, raising her head up more, her weakness seeming to have suddenly abated. “That’s insane! What else are we supposed to do?”
Luna pretended to have been knocked out completely so she could get a quick nap in.
“What did you do before Twilight was here to help you?” Iron Will asked, folding his arms and staring down at Celestia.
“Of course!” Celestia said as she finally understood, turning to Raven again. "Assistant, please message Cadance and tell her to..."
“NO!” Iron Will cut her off, grasping Raven's hoof lest she instinctively follow the order. “If none can assist, BEAT them with your FIIIIST.”
“Oh, very well then,” Celestia got up and walked casually towards Discord and Fluttershy’s tea party.
“YOU!” Iron Will pointed at Luna dramatically. “Get up and help your onee-chaaaaan!”
Luna snored unconvincingly.
“Oh, Discord,” Fluttershy said at the tea party behind Iron Will. “Did you see the new pink dress Rarity made me?”
“I did, and it’s too pink,” Discord replied matter-of-factually. “Wearing that will make you look like Pinkie took a dump in the mirror pool.”
Iron Will gritted his teeth. Why was Celestia not attacking them?! He turned to see Discord calmly buttering toast as Celestia weakly patted his shoulder with one hoof.
“It’s not working,” Celestia turned to Iron Will, clearly confused.
“Fist was metaphorical, your Majesty,” Iron Will calmly explained.
“Meta-what-ical?” Celestia asked.
“Are things getting tragic?” Iron Will tried again, pointing at her nose. “BLAST them with your MAGIIIIC!”
Celestia looked at his finger cross-eyed, but he was careful not to boop her because that would be inappropriate without informed consent and possibly treasonous in this case.
However, she finally seemed to take things seriously. She flapped her wings, pulling herself up into the air, her horn glowing with the rage of 1000 burning suns, a beam of pure energy heading towards Discord… who promptly ignored it as it bounced deflected harmlessly off of him and shattered one of the nearby stained glass windows, resulting in the screams of several ponies outside.
“Oh, are you giving me a massage, CayCay?” Discord chuckled. “I didn’t know you thought of me that way… just don’t expect me to hold your hoof. That’s reserved for Fluttershy.”
“Aw, that’s sweet, your Highness,” Fluttershy smiled politely as Celestia collapsed back to the floor after the attack. She then flushed and whispered. “Discord… don’t talk aloud about our pre-marital hoof-holding…”
“This is clearly not working,” deadpanned Iron Will. “Okay… Iron Will admits that Discord was a bad choice, since the only one that can defeat Discord is Discord. But Iron Will is prepared! He contacted more than one assistant! Let’s try something easier!”
“Does this mean we can go now?” Discord asked. “I don’t appreciate interruptions to the most important event of my week.”
“Oh, you don’t need us anymore?” Fluttershy waved. “Bye your Highnesses, bye Iron Will!”
“Indeed, you are done,” Iron Will said, giving Fluttershy a brief head pat and nodding to Discord. “See you at guy’s night.” He’d promised to go in exchange for Discord’s assistant, and Iron Will always kept his woooord. Especially when it meant he didn't have to pay for the assistance.
With that Discord and Fluttershy disappeared in another white flash, taking the tea party along with them.
“Hm?” said Luna, pretending to wake up as soon as Discord left. “Oh hello, did I miss anything?”
“You missed THIS!” Iron Will’s voice boomed like a freight train through a bus full of orphans, pointing at the throne room’s main entrance. “Assistant number TWOOO! You’re on!”
The doors were kicked open again, sparks flying and streamers raining down as fireworks exploded into the throne room. There in the center of the glowing spectacle was Trixie, cape flapping in a magical breeze and hat pulled down to shade her face and make it just a bit more edgy. She had a fake Alicorn Amulet on that she’d made from paper mache and colored with crayons. Iron Will appreciated the extra effort; maybe he should pay her triple instead of double.
“Now, I just need you to…” Iron Will trailed off as he turned back.
Both thrones were outright on fire now and the princesses had once again collapsed to the floor. Luna snored loudly, curled up with a giant goose plushie and Celestia had somehow dislocated one of her legs. The assistant Raven was in a far corner of the throne room, staring at the floor blankly as if re-evaluating her life choices. At least she'd dodge the throne this time, else she might be on fire too.
“Don’t worry,” Raven said as if she were a little dead inside. “This actually happens a lot so we keep spare thrones in storage.”
Iron Will punched the air, the force sending a gust of wind to put out the burning thrones in an instant, then slammed his fist into his own head in frustration, rattling his formidable brain as he thought. How could he get them to understand?
“I don’t think so, it’s your turn, Princess Moon Pie!” Iron Will leaped to Luna’s side, the floor cracking at the strain as he landed. “You wanna nap? I WON’T TAKE YOUR CRAAAAP!”
He grabbed Luna by the head, eliciting a squeak mid-snore as he picked her up. He twirled her around like a flail, then flung her plot-first at Trixie. Luna thrashed about, completely caught off guard and never having imagined that it were possible to be attacked as you slept.
“You think you’ll defeat the GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie with…” Trixie started, and was promptly struck squarely in the face with Luna’s posterior, thrown back against the wall. Things were looking up for a moment, until Trixie bounced back, squealing loudly as she impacted Luna’s rump again.
Luna flew head-first into a nearby potted plant, then thrashed and ran around the throne room in confusion with it stuck on her head. She rushed headlong into the opposite wall, shattering the pot and landing back on the floor.
“Please,” said Celestia, her dislocated leg twitching. “As if that tiny plot could defeat anything.”
“Trixie has definitely had better plots in her face,” Trixie agreed as she staggered back to a standing position.
“As opposed to having a posterior that I’ve literally mistaken for the Moon?” Luna peered at Celestia.
“Now, now,” Iron Will reprimanded, aiming double finger-guns at them. “No shaming the booties. All booties are cuties.”
Iron Will moved to Celestia, grabbing her dislocated leg and yanking it to snap it back into position. She moaned.
“Well that might explain some things,” Iron Will said, but wasn’t deterred. “Your turn, Princess Sunbutt!... or at least show some improvement? Please?”
“Well, okay, I’ll try,” Celestia pulled herself back up, rubbing her shoulder slightly and facing Trixie.
Iron Will went over to Luna again, confiscating the plush goose she had just picked back up and then watching to see what happened.
“Ha!” Trixie flipped her cape and stood defiantly. “You think you can defeat the Great and Powerful Trixie? You will never stop my diabolical plan to make wheels illegal!”
Celestia stood tall above her, spread her wings imposingly… and just continued to glare at her.
“W-what are you doing?” asked Iron Will. Even the brave minotaur was fearful of the answer.
“Staring at her disapprovingly,” Celestia explained. “It works on Twilight, and she can beat anypony, so this will surely prevail against somepony she's beaten twice. No, it MUST prevail!”
“Leave the theatrics to me and Trix, Princess,” Iron Will shook his head then stepped back to try to reason with both sisters. “Just… look… you two have defeated evil before, right? In the old days you defeated Discord, banished Sombra, and even took out Pony Hitler and his army of ultra-mega breezies. So where did it go? Where did the FIRE in you SOOOOUL go?!”
“To be fair, we are 1000 years older than we were,” Luna pointed out.
“NO EXCUSES!” Iron Will growled, then sighed. “Fine, I have one LAST DITCH volunteer to show you two that you CAN defeat an attempted takeover.” He turned to Trixie. “Your services are no longer needed.”
“Will Trixie get the payment we agreed upon?” Trixie asked.
“Sweetheart, Iron Will is so satisfied with your performance that he will pay you THREE times his initial offer instead of twice as much as we agreed upon!” He flexed his biceps, then relaxed. “Unfortunately for you, my first offer was zero dollars and three times that is still zero. Good day.”
“W-what?” Trixie stood tall again, flipping her cape again. “You DARE-”
“Look, Trix,” Iron Will said, calmly clamping her muzzle shut with two fingers. “You got a story to tell at your shows. You can honestly say that you defeated both of the royal sisters, and even Twilight will be too ashamed to contradict you. Is that not payment enough?”
Trixie’s eyes lit up, clearly calming down, so he released her muzzle.
“Yes… yes it is,” said Trixie, smiling smugly at the princesses before exiting out the front throne room door.
“Send in the last volunteer on your way out,” Iron Will called after her before the doors closed, then turned to Celestia and Luna, adopting a grave expression. “Okay now… there is no possibility of you losing this battle. But just to be ABSOLUTELY sure… you may attack the invader together. Don’t give up, don’t hold back, and stop forgetting that you can use magic!” He rippled his muscles, sending a shiver through the throne room and causing Raven to pass out in the corner from his sheer minotaur manliness. “Iron Will KNOWS you can do this. And Iron Will’s FAITH IN YOU should be enough to conquer any foe!”
“Okay, we’ll try,” Celestia agreed again.
Luna yawned, peeking at her plush that Iron Will had put in the far corner.
Then suddenly the doors of the throne room… slowly creaked open, as if the entrant was having trouble with their heavy weight. When one opened far enough, out stumbled a gray wall-eyed pony, using a red blanket for a cape and wearing a muffin shaped hat.
“All your muffins are mine!” Muffins squeaked, waving around a large stick of chocolate with a muffin stapled to the end. "All of Equestria will be enslaved in my muffin factories!"
“Remember… TOGETHER,” Iron Will said again, taking a few steps back to give them room, then turned to see how their preparations were coming along.
Celestia and Luna had worked together at least. They had collapsed together, and somehow become tangled up in the eldritch abominations that they called their manes, gagging pathetically. Also they were on fire.
Iron Will stared in disbelief a moment before realizing that they were asphyxiating on their own hair. He patted the fire out and tugged the clumps of strangely gooey mane from their throats to let them breathe.
“You know what? I’m done,” Iron Will said as his own confidence sank into the pit of his soul. “I give up. This was an impossible task.”
“Sorry…” apologized Raven from the back, having reawaken, and was now putting out the re-ignited thrones with a fire extinguisher.
“You want to help with untangling this?” Iron Will asked Muffins, not wanting to touch the strange manes and tails much in case they were toxic.
He found that Muffins had trotted over to Celestia’s charred throne and had a seat there, puffing out her floofy chest and looking proud of herself.
“Sure, you have fun.” Iron Will shrugged and turned to leave. “Good thing I didn’t promise Twilight a money-back guarantee.”
“C-can you ask her to come and help us at least?” Celestia called after him.
Iron Will ignored them.
