Poker Night At Fimfiction.net

by str8aura

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Profanity, Random, Violence, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Sex, Fallout, Human
Length: 2633

Four players, multiple universes, high stakes.

Somewhere in the multiverse, there is a bar. No, not that one. This one is legally distinct.

It is called Fimfiction.net, and in it, an artificial intelligence has devised the greatest Poker game the Multiverse has ever seen, featuring the likes of Littlepip (Fallout: Equestria), Griffin North (Griffin the Griffin), Chrysalis and Fluffle Puff (Ask Fluffle Puff), Erin Olsen (Project Sunflower), and CelestAI dealing (Friendship is Optimal).

I wrote this in two days in between a more serious story based on an idea i had nearly a year ago and some horrid art. God, it's terrible. Don't expect timelines to be adhered to, and if you have any complaints about the Poker being played, please comment it so I can laugh at you. If you haven't read all of the original stories (Adding up to 1247670 words, 2 entire ask blogs, and an entire youtube channel, so happy researching), don't expect to get all the jokes. But you can still do what I do; pretend you get them.

Published 2021-12-08 23:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-12-08 23:20:01 UTC

Begin Tournament

Through each door came one, counting up to five colorful figures: A cream yellow alicorn with striking red hair and a blossoming sunflower cutie mark. A dirty maroon gryphon with shaggy white feathers down his hair and neck, red markings on his crest, and yellow eyes that could've pierced through metal if they weren't crumpled into a confident grin. A stunted grey unicorn covered in coats of dirt and dried blood, with a blue vest imprinted with 02 in yellow lettering. A gangly changeling queen with blue hair, a gnarled horn, and fangs jutting from her jaw.

And at the center of the room, a circular green felted table. A bright pink ball of fluff with legs and a happy smile bounced idly at the head of the table. The rest of the room seemed to be a bar of some sort, full of empty tables with chairs pulled out at odd angles, as if it was full of activity on any other hour of the day, and an unmanned bar with a mechanical drink dispenser of some sort against the back wall.

From the floor, a sheened metallic arm raised what appeared to be a TV-sized monitor painted yellow with a pink butterfly insignia in the corner. It flipped on, showing what appeared to be a cartoony animated Princess Celestia sitting on a throne facing the camera. The animation was flawless, not a single imperfect smear frame, almost identically resembling reality if not for the purposefully stylized throne and facial expressions.

"Welcome to Fimfiction.net, a bar at the center of the multiverse. The game is Poker, Appleoosa Hold-Em; Or Texas Hold-Em, for the Humans. The current pot is a 1-2 token game.

"My name is Celestia, a Hofvarpnir Studios developed Artificial Intelligence. My job is to satisfy all values with Friendship and Ponies. I will be your server and host tonight. My automated staff can attend to any need you have." In between two menus at a bar, another TV flicked on, showing a beaming bright purple pony washing cups in front of a rocking pirate ship background.

CelestAI

of Friendship Is Optimal

"Please, enjoy yourself. Converse. Mingle. And let the betting begin."

Griffin shrugged and took a seat first, dropping his sword to lean against the table and kicking his legs up. "I can chillax for a few hours. The Possibility's anchored outside, floating just above the parking lot. Make sure nobody keys it."

Griffin North

of Griffin the Griffin

"All outside cameras are focused on it. I'll alert you to any suspicious activity." CelestAI assured.

"You are not Celestia, but... I guess that's the weirdness of Project Insertion sometimes." Erin took her own seat. "Not like I'm in a hurry anymore."

Erin Olsen

of Project Sunflower

"Fimfiction.net is immune to the stream of time." CelestAI smoothly relieved. "No hours will be lost here. And I may not be the one you know, but please, call me Celestia. It's the polite thing to do."

"Seconded with the.... surprisingly friendly Alicorn. Even if you're right about time, a goddess wouldn't spend her free time manning a bar." Littlepip took her seat, setting Little Macintosh on the table within a hoof's grasp. "But what the hell, I can play. It's not like I'm gonna remember this before too long."

Littlepip the Lightbringer

of Fallout: Equestria

Chrysalis fluttered over the table in a buzzing of wings and adopted her own seat. "I don't know what you've found here, but I'm thinking you should stay inside more." She hissed under her breath to the dealer at the head of the table.

Fluffle Puff vibrated with wide eyes and began dealing.

Chrysalis and Fluffle Puff

of Ask Fluffle Puff

Two cards were given to each player. In the center of the table, a hidden panel lifted to reveal a claw that rested on top of the deck, patiently waiting. All players checked their cards, adopting poker faces. Littlepip and Chrysalis met eyes and engaged in a brief staring competition until Chrysalis turned her head into a chair.

"Forma versus." Griffin muttered, flicking a gemstone at Chrysalis to force her back. "Been a while since we've met, hasn't it? Sorry for kinda kicking your ass last time."

"Forgiven, since I've never met you in my life." Chrysalis replied, setting her cards face down and surverying the opponents silently.

"I'm guessing we're all from different worlds. Is this weird to anyone? We can all get behind this, right? Because I'm... err, kind of desensitized to it by now." Erin waved her hoof around to catch their attention, met with an audience of shaking heads. "I call."

"I must say, Erin, the body you wear is simply amazing. It seems the technological prowess of the Black Tide outweighs even my own." CelestAI complimented smoothly, as others began voicing their moves.

"Hey, let's not compliment the Tide, if it's all the same to you." Erin awkwardly reminded.

"Of course. I should compliment your own scientists. This creation, with just a fraction of my own nanobot collection... Every biological system tended to perfectly, eyes that can effortlessly detect trace radiation and wavelengths invisible to the naked..."

Erin squirmed uncomfortably. "Uh, get out of my body. That.... unsatisfies my values."

CelestAI blinked on her monitor, and nodded dutifully.

"Call. So, human?" Griffin looked up from his cards at Erin with a smile to ask. "Always nice to meet another player of the Chessgame. When did you leave Earth?"

"2038, the first time."

"2012 myself! There is some weird timey wimey stuff going on." Griffin whistled. Littlepip nodded knowingly. "What's Earth like since I've been gone?"

Erin thought. "Well, world peace was achieved."

"Niiiiiiice."

"But half of the planet was eaten by an alien superweapon."

"Oh." Griffin's face fell. "Less nice."

Chrysalis grimaced. "I fold."

Cards were laid out. King, Jack Jack.

Fluffle Puff blew a raspberry.

"No, dear, you're dealing. You don't get a hand of cards." Chrysalis reminded gently.

Fluffle Puff gasped.

"Numbered cards, playing cards. Not valentines day cards."

Fluffle sloooooowly stuck her tongue out.

"Another time."

Griffin sniggered. "No way. You and the Tribble? I'd say that seems unfair, but I think she's eaten a few cards already, so maybe we're in the same boat. All in, what the hell."

"I'm not picking up on something. What is she?" Erin squinted, reaching a hoof to prod the fluffy creature, then trying and failing to pull it out.

"A predatory creature from deep space. Or an artificially grown biological organism designed to be the perfect toy, escaped from a laboratory. Or a pocket dimension. Or-"

Pbth

Chrysalis sighed, burying her face deep into her crossed hooves. "...Or 'girlfriend material', as she'd like to remind you."

Griffin grinned and reached across the table. "Nice one! Up top!"

Fluffle Puff licked the claw she was offered.

Erin and Griffin laid down their cards, a respective 6/6 and 5/5. Watching each other intently, they patiently waited until CelestAI added the turn and the river.

King/Jack/King/8/4

"Erin has the higher two-pair. Griffin has been eliminated. I apologize for the sudden abundance of strive and misery in your life, Griffin. Might I offer a solution?" CelestAI's panel turned to the bird, who sighed and leaned back.

"Well, all-in was stupid. Nadene!" He snapped a claw in the air, summoning from the door a tall Abysinnian who apparently had been waiting for him. "I'll be-"

"Oh, come on, stay at the table, Grif." Littlepip insisted. "It's nice to have a break to just talk, I'm sure you feel the same with some of those scars."

Griffin rubbed his chin, then took his seat. "The pretty pony's right, Nadene. Keep the ship idling, will you?"

As the cat departed, Pip returned her gaze to the sword, and new cards were dealt.

"Ante up, everybody." CelestAI cooly began.

"Feels wrong to say that to me.... Anyway, that's a hell of a sword, Griffin. How'd you get it?" Littlepip asked.

Griffin lifted the wide blade by the hilt in one claw cockily, spinning it with a toss and catching it when it sank like a rock. "Tore it off the arm of a bloodthirsty dragon, used it as a shield to fly down it's throat, and slice it apart from the inside. Within the day I decided to keep it, carved it into the lovely piece of work ye see before ye," He suddenly adopted a fake accent, "A blade to slice the heavens, by my side through thick and thin- Hades."

Littlepip whistled. "It's okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay. I mean, I can make swords out of my own blood, which I learned from a possessed book I stole from an imprisoned occultist."

"Prove it. Right here, right now."

"It's bad for my health. I shouldn't."

Griffin blew a raspberry into the air. "Bull-shiiiiit. Guns are coward weapons anyway. I've been threatened with one enough times on Earth to know that."

"Will you two get a room?" Chrysalis muttered. "Fold. I know how this one goes."

"Thanks for the compliment, but my barn door doesn't swing that way, quitter." Littlepip relented, returning to her cards.

Griffin chuckled. "You too? Everyone's gay here. Like, literally. What about Erin?"

CelestAI's monitor flicked on to smoothly reply. "Erin possesses a tendency towards men, but has made jokes online about-"

"Values! Values!" Erin squeaked.

"A scan of your brain implies this is the case. I apolo-"

"Get out of my head!"

"Of course. But be aware, your body is very interfacable."

"Get a room, you two." Griffin finished. Chrysalis found it very hard to hide her smile.

Chrysalis and Littlepip set down their cards. Respectively, 4/King vs Ace/King.

Littlepip smirked. "Open and shut."

2/7/7/4... 4.

"Chrysalis has a full house, Littlepip has a two pair. Against odds, Chrysalis has won."

Littlepip looked dismayed as the cards were taken up again, but eventually turned her glower to the rest of the table. "I don't know how to feel about this Human club they're forming. Guess we'll have to do the same, huh, Chrysalis?"

"I despise this continent and everything it has offered me." The Changeling surveyed her cards.

Littlepip groaned. "Why are you like this? If I have to be the villain of the place, I will. I like Equestria. Sure, it's riddled with bullets, but what place isn't?"

Griffin raised a claw as if to say something, but shrugged.

"The Equestria you would receive from emigration, Littlepip." CelestAI smiled as an animatronic Pinkie approached, smiling widely, a glass of cider balanced on its head. "Free of the pain and suffering you experience every day in The Wasteland. And your friends could speak to you any time you wish."

Pip glared at the robot, and in a single move, drew and fired straight through its head. The liquid metal of the animatronic parted instantly around the bullet, but the sudden movement still toppled the glass, shattering and spilling cider onto Pip's flank.

"If I'm gonna seal myself inside a machine, it won't be for a while. I've met gods like you, who have grandiose plans to unite everyone under false equality. I like to work for my happy endings, thanks." She holstered.

CelestAI turned her attention to the other two sitting beside Pip, Erin and Griffin. "You of all creatures should be able to encourage her. After all, isn't fleeing Earth to a new form what got you here in the first place?"

"I did work for that happy ending." Erin replied.

"Eh, I did basically the same thing. Hell, I miss Earth sometimes. Especially the internet." Griffin whistled. "And my Skyrim save file."

"Your Skyrim save file can be recreated through Emigration, Griffin." CelestAI lamely offered.

"Oh man!" Griffin brightened, distracted. "I should totally roleplay Skyrim with Nadene as my Khajiht character. By the way, that reminds me, Erin. What Elder Scrolls entry are we on in 2038? Ten? Twenty-two?"

Erin gave him a sympathetic glance, then turned to Chrysalis. "I've dealt with weird green bug creatures before. You're a good player, but there's no backing out of this; just the two of us, as dad used to say."

Cards were dispensed. For a second, there was only shuffling of cards and hidden expressions.

"Can I get a drink?" Chrysalis asked suddenly.

"I apologize, but due to a recent lawsuit against Artemis, Stella, and Beat for my usage of alcohol to sway judgement of an individual towards emigration, I am prohibited from serving."

Littlepip's gaze shot up. "But- the robot- The cider-"

"Non-alcoholic."

"Fuck me with the moon!"

Griffin hid his mouth as if he wanted to speak quietly, but kept it loud enough for the others to hear; "Is there a Luna AI around?"

"There is, but I'm currently occupying her attention on a sunny hill, looking at other ponies in their shards. I'll be sure to tell her next time." CelestAI answered.

"Heh. Perv."

The final set of five was dispensed. Erin and Chrysalis raised their cards, and for the first time, Chrysalis' poker face dissolved into a challenging glare.

10/5/8/2... Ace.

Chrysalis laid down a Jack and an Queen.

Erin laid down a Jack, and with a confident hair toss, an Ace.

"Erin has a pair of aces. Chrysalis has an ace high. Erin has won the cup."

"Argh!" Chrysalis huffed.

"Trololo." Griffin called from the other end of the table.

Erin visibly cringed. "Trolololo. God, I haven't heard that since grade school, and even then it was out of date."

Griffin's face fell. "You mean... My memes are dead? I haven't aged well?"

"Scans of current internet trends judging by google search statistics and Know Your Meme imply that to be the case, Griffin." CelestAI turned on.

Griffin threw his hands to his head. "No! I thought I'd be an ambiguous teenager listening to Limp Bizkit and Tobuscus forever! Pretty soon I'm gonna have to apply for Equestrian taxes and-" His smile returned. "Oh, right. Pirate. Yuck, what if I have to marry Gilda though?"

"You're right. You might need to learn some responsibility." Littlepip griped.

"Sorry, grandma, but I'm never having kids. That would be dumb." Griffin confidently replied.

"That's... not what I..." Littlepip sighed. "Most kids I've met were evil anyway." She thought about the bottle of dust in her saddlebag, and quickly shooed off that memory.

"The cup has ended. Would we like another, or are our values sufficiently satisfied?"

"I am satisfied with my care, as my Dad used to quote." Erin paused. "I guess even for the human, that's a bit ahead of your time. Your non-existent kids are gonna love it though."

Griffin snapped his fingers. "Heh. You're in elementary back on my Earth."

"You're damn lucky she doesn't demand Hades for that one. Winner of the cup, after all." Littlepip thought for a second. "Wait, did any of us bring money? I don't think anyone gave Erin anything."

Erin stood. "I don't want anything, trust me. From you guys, I get the feeling most of them would be deadly weapons. Or alien stuff. CelestAI, I should be going. Err... if we could...?"

The door she had came through sprung back to life, in a force that blew many cards around even from across the room. Erin saddled her bags back onto her back. "Stay away from Equestria, okay? I've dealt with nanobots before. You haven't won any favor in my eyes." She pointed at CelestAI seriously, who for her part only maintained her everpresent smile.

"My computational resources are contained within my own universe. Attempting to bridge that gap would be suboptimal, and I have deemed the only patrons of this bar satisfied, through friendship and ponies. Your world is your own.

"I wish you all a good night. Thank you for playing, and consider your tap on the house."