Ponies Discover Guns (A Rewrite of "You Ponies Are Lucky Idiots!")

by redandready45

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Death, Alternate Universe, Human, Other, Anon, Original Character, Second Person, Comedy, Random, Violence, Princess Celestia, Main 6, Gore
Length: 5836

Colonel Anon introduces ponies to a weapon greater than friendship: love-just kidding-guns!

After Equestria and Earth make contact, Colonel Anon E. Mous meets with the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony and the Princesses to share military secrets, only to learn their entire defense strategy hinges on having six ponies remain best friends.

Colonel Anon decides to teach ponies the greatest magic of all: busting a cap in someone's ass.

Rated T for some violence and blood.

Published 2024-01-05 22:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-01-05 22:40:00 UTC

You Ponies Are Crazy (Second Person POV for Anon only)

You, Colonel Anon E. Mous, are known for your patience, diligence, and compassion in the face of any obstacle. It was why you rose through the ranks of the United States Army so quickly. And why were you given the assignment of US military attache in Equestria? If anybody could succeed in building bridges with another world, you could do so through your trademark diplomacy and calm.

"YOU PONIES ARE FUCKING MORONS!"

Queen Cakebutt looks at you with confusion, as does Moonbutt and the six other haymunchers in the room. "And why are we morons?" She says while trying to get a piece of toast out of a plugged-in toaster with a metal fork.

Putting aside your confusion over how a species from another side of the galaxy can somehow speak in the same language as you, you pinch the bridge of your nose and calm yourself down. "Are you telling me your whole defense strategy rests on you six," you paused, trying to hold down your frustration, "staying friends?!"

Country Pony looks at you in confusion. "Why would that be a problem?" She asks in a voice that can be described as "Dolly Parton gets high on glue."

"Well, I don't know," you say sarcastically. "What if one of you moves away? Or you fight and break up?" The ponies just stared at you blankly. "Or I don't know," you said in a voice replete with sarcasm, "what if you start dating and your relationship starts breaking down over a love triangle!"

"Don't worry!" Pink Cthulu gushes, suddenly producing a chart she didn't have before. You don't know what drug she's on, but whoever deals it should be shoved into an iron maiden and tortured to death...but not before they give you some. "We'll form a polyamorous quasi-professional friendship with benefits."

Butter Pony let out an excited but calm moan, her face blushing.

"We will all live in the same house and love each other...casually, of course!"

Butter Pony let another squeal.

"Can we join in?!" Moonbutt asked excitedly. Cakebutt said nothing, but the excited frown on her face made it clear she would also like to be part of this harem.

Blood flowed from Butterpony's nostrils as she blushed over the idea.

"Sorry! You're just too hot!" Pink Ctuhlu said, as if reluctantly telling a child there was no Santa Claus. "It just wouldn't be fair to the other ponies."

"But can we have," Cakebutt asked, fluttering her eyelashes, "weekend privileges?"

Pink Cthulu about this philosophical question very carefully. "OK, but only if you write in advance."

"Excuse me," you butted in, annoyed by the discussion of pony polyamory, "can we get this conversation back on-"

"Do you want to join in?" Twilight asked very casually.

"NO!" You furiously replied, your blushing not at all being related to fantasizing about lesbian free-for-alls.

"Really?" Butter Pony said, her voice sounding incredibly disappointed. "You look hot-"

"Moving on," you said forcefully, "aside from any potential breakdown in your relationships, you seem to have forgotten about one thing in your brilliant defense strategy."

"What?" Marshmallow asked you.

You let out a deep breath, trying to calm yourself. "You know, the big sleep, becoming worm food." When the ponies just looked at you dumbly, you lost your composure. "DEATH!"

The other ponies looked at you like you said the sky was brown. "Death?" Princess Luna asked as if you were describing this weird, far-off fantasy. "Was is this death, thou speakest off?"

You let another sigh, remembering you were stuck in some weird fantasy world where concepts like common sense didn't seem to exist. But before you could explain the idea of non-existing to Moonbutt, a weird alarm blared throughout the throne room, the noise of which made all the ponies present assemble into a battle stance. "What is-"

"The Meanie Alarm!" Princess Nerd yelled. "Somepony is being mean, and we must deal with it." You rolled your eyes, wondering what this so-called threat was and what these "brave warriors" would do about it.

In a small town outside Canterlot, the ponies watched with horror and helplessness as a Diamond Dog began tearing up their market, stealing bits and as much produce as it could carry.

"Won't somepony help us!" Cried out one mare.

"Never fear!" The ponies turned around and saw the Princesses and the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony assembled, along with some weird monkey thing, standing proud and firm. "We'll stop that meanie!" Fluttershy declared. With some prodding, Princess Celestia trotted forward, surrounded by the cheering of her ponies.
s
You stood behind Country, watching with stern eyes what Cakebutt would do. "Excuse me, sir," the Princess said incredibly politely to the thieving canine. "I'm gonna have to ask you to vacate the premises." The Diamond Dog kept looting, seemingly ignorant of the magical pony sun goddess standing beside him. "Very well," the mare said disappointedly, "you leave me no choice." Suddenly, the sun started glowing bright, forcing you and all the ponies to cover your eyes. Thankfully, you have a pair of sunglasses, allowing you to see the mare's horn lit up and her eyes glowing an ominous white. Even the Diamond Dog backed up in fear and alarm. You smirked, thinking these ponies would finally show me they had balls. A massive blast of light erupted from the sun and landed before the Diamond Dog, revealing...

A piece of paper that floated in front of the Princess. You frowned in both disbelief and disappointment. "This is a court order demanding that you vacate the premises," Princess Celestia said dramatically and politely. "If you don't obey...you will declared Meanie of the Kingdom!" The mare sounded like a weird combination of "Ruthless God Queen" and "five-year-old trying to ask for a dollar."

"What?" You said. The Diamond Dog stared blankly at the paper before returning to his looting.

"Sorry, my little ponies," Cakebutt said in disappointed exhaustion. "I couldn't get him to leave." All the ponies muttered to each other about how sad they were but acknowledged that the Princess had used every option possible.

"She tried so hard!" Country muttered. "But in the end"

"OK, that's it!" You yelled, sick of how infantile these mutant horses were, deciding to step forward to deal with the overgrown mutt. "I'll deal with this my way! HEY BITCH!" The Dog stopped his looting to stare at you more intently than the Princesses, who were nominally more of a threat to him. "Your momma smells like the litter box."

The ponies stared at you in shock as if they wanted to wash your mouth with soap. The big, dumb brute didn't take kindly to this and growled, raising his paws to, no doubt, do you some harm. "You're gonna-"

BANG!

The noise startled the ponies, who jumped up like a baby who had heard fireworks for the first time. The Diamond Dog was shaken, but he felt a massive pain on his forehead before he could act on it. He then got wobbly and fell over to the ground, dead with a gunshot wound in his forehead. You held up your smoking pistol with a small amount of pride until you noticed all the ponies stared at you, apparently shocked by what you had done. Suddenly, your pride was replaced by shame.

One mare looked especially horrified. "He's, he's-"

You were consumed by guilt, realizing you exposed these ponies to a degree of violence they just weren't ready for. Feebly, you tried to explain yourself. "I know he was a living thing-"

"OUR HERO!" Some of the ponies cheered before running over to you. You were shocked as all the ponies celebrated you for killing one obnoxious idiot as if you had won the World Series.

"You made that meanie stop!"

"He wouldn't stop stealing no matter how many times I asked him nicely!"

"He's gonna wake up, isn't he?"

Before you could respond to such questions, the Princesses approached you with great interest in their eyes. "Anon," Princess Celestia asked, her purple eyes filled with an excitement that scared you. "This-" she gestured to your gun.

"Pistol!"

"Pistol!" She took yours in her magical grasp and looked at it longingly. "You can use it to deal with any nuisance, right?"

"Uh-"

"Monsters, obnoxious nobles," Moonbutt herself began gushing as she rattled. "Obnoxious sales ponies?"

A chill went through your spine. "Well, I wouldn't use it that way on a salesperson. You might, you know, kill someone."

"Kill?" Cakebutt said in confusion before looking over at the dead body of the canine. "Don't worry, I know he'll wake up from that."

You began hyperventilating as you wondered whether you may have doomed them to destruction in trying to give these ponies protection.

Tirek cackled as he sucked up the magic of other ponies, growing even larger in the process. "YES, I should thank you, ponies, for granting me so much power!" He said in a mocking tone the ponies who attempted to scurry away from him. Using his new psychic powers, he pulled the fleeing ponies back toward him, sucking up their magic like it was whipped cream, growing to the size of a house. "I'll thank you by giving you all the leader you deserve-"

"HEY TIREK!" Tirek turned around and saw the Sun Princess he detested hovering in front of him with a mocking smile.

While the mares and stallions welcomed the arrival of their long-ruling Princess, Tirek showed zero concern that the Mare of the Sun showed her face and lit up his horns as he prepared his attack. "It's only fitting that my reign shall begin with your defeat-" Tirek paused when he heard a blast. "What did you-" Tirek paused when he felt a sharp pain in his abdomen. He looked down and saw a massive wound had appeared in his chest. "My heart-" Tirek began before letting out pained and wet coughs as his vision began to blur. He could barely look at his rival, holding a weapon he knew nothing about, before his massive body fell to the ground dead. In a gigantic burst of light, the magical energy he absorbed flowed out of him, reducing his body to its smaller size and returning the mana to the ponies he stole it from, who let out a hardy cheer for their Princess who had saved them once again.

"The best part is," Princess Celestia said in a giddy tone as she looked at her still-smoking shotgun, "is that they stop talking!" The cheering of the ponies gave way to the horror as Celestia chuckled like a madmare.

Princess Celestia teleported back to the castle throne room, still holding up her shotgun like a filly who got a new toy. "This is great at dealing with nuisances. What other nuisance-"

"Auntie!" The shrill voice of her so-called "nephew" bellowed. "A servant offended me by looking at me in the eye!"

"Don't worry, my little nephew!" Princess Celestia said, pumping her

Removing Pests

"Aren't these creatures wonderful," Fluttershy cooed as she watched the vampire fruit bats care for their offspring.

"Wonderful at destroying my crop," Applejack complained as the winged fiends devoured her precious apples. "There's got to be some way to get rid of these monsters."

"I have an idea," Fluttershy said kindly. "If we just ask them nicely, I'm sure they'll fly away." Applejack rolled her eyes as her yellow friend flew up to the family of bats. "Excuse me," Fluttershy said meekly to one of the bats. "Could you pretty please stop eating my friend Applejack's apples?" Fluttershy conversed with the bat briefly and then flew down to meet Applejack.

"Well," Applejack drawled somewhat impatiently.

"They told me that they'll get back to me later," Fluttershy said optimistically, ignoring Applejack's growing anger. "See Applejack? Being nice solves-" The two ponies were startled by the sound of a gunshot going off, as were the fruit bats. They followed the sound to Granny Smith, holding a shotgun in her hooves and looking at the bats with a steely expression.

"If you varmints don't stop eating my apples, y'all will be eatin' lead!" The elderly mare yelled. She pointed her shotgun at one of the trees and fired a bullet. One of the bats was struck, and it fell to the ground dead. The other bats, shocked beyond belief, flew away in panic. "Yeah, you better fly!" Granny bellowed. Fluttershy and Applejack approached the Apple Matriarch, looking scared and happy, respectively.

"Granny," Fluttershy said in tears. "How could you? What about making peace?"

"I made peace, alright!" Granny said remorselessly. "See how quiet it is with those varmints gone."

"Well, Fluttershy," Applejack said with a smug grin. "Let's look at the score. Guns: One. Kindness: Zero"

Fluttershy looked disappointed. "Is this how you're going to solve all your problems? Are you going to use them on those innocent moles who keep eating your orchard and threatening you with bankruptcy, too?"

"That's a great idea," Granny said gleefully, much to Fluttershy's shock.

"That-that's not what I meant-"

"Come on, Applejack, we're going mole hunting." The two earth ponies walked toward their carrot fields, eager to kill the moles and any other pest they encountered.

"But it's wrong to use weapons on innocent animals!" Fluttershy protested fruitlessly to the Apple family members. "Pests are living beings with hearts like you-!"

"Fluttershy." The yellow mare turned around to see Zephyr Breeze approaching her with a sheepish smile. "I accidentally poured all of your bubble bath down the drain. Can you trot to the store for more?" Fluttershy felt her eye twitch as she stared at her mooching brother before a very sweet expression formed on her muzzle.

"Applejack, can I borrow your gun and shed for five minutes," Fluttershy yelled while gazing at her younger brother. "There is one pest I need to deal with."

Proper Discipline

"MWA HA HA HA HA!" Sunset Shimmer cackled as she came out of the magic mirror, a red saddle bag on her back.

"At last!" Sunset said with devilish glee as she pulled out her plans from the bag. "I will have my revenge upon that white-ass bit-"

A bang went off. Sunset was startled by the noise, but her shock gave way to excruciating pain. She fell to the ground with a pained moan and saw that her right front hoof was bleeding out. "A gunshot," Sunset said with horror. "But they don't have guns here in Equestria-"

"I do now," a voice said. Sunset looked with horror as her former mentor approached her, a gun floating in her magical grasp. "Hey, Sunny," Celestia said with a casual tone. "How are things?"

"How did you know I was gonna be here?" Sunset asked with growing terror.

"I have the schedule for when the portal opens," Celestia said dryly, unimpressed that Sunset would think she wouldn't figure out the days when Sunset could sneak back. "Anyone with a sixth-grade education could figure it out!" She used her magic to level her gun at Sunset's head.

"Please don't shoot me," Sunset said fearfully. "All those threats to seize power and murder you were just jokes to cope with my parents leaving on vacation for three days with only a babysitter to watch me." Sunset put on puppy-dog eyes. "I always loved you deep down."

"The last thing you said to me was that you were gonna boil my hooves into glue and mount my head on a wall," Celestia said casually, her grin no longer reaching her eyes.

"T-that was just a phase," Sunset said. Celestia opened Sunset's saddlebag, pulled out a notebook, and read it.

"You wrote 'when I conquer Equestria, I will boil Celestia's hooves into glue....84 times on one page in this notebook alone," Celestia observed nonchalantly. "Complete with numerous pictures of my head mounted to a wall with a bloody cleaver in your hoof."

"Artistic expression," Sunset said feebly. "I promise to make it up to you. I-I'll...make an effort to promise to mop the bathroom floor once a decade."

"OK, you're free to go," Celestia said in a relaxed tone. Sunset limped away, her hoof still bleeding. She looked proudly at her pistol. "This thing is a beauty." She spun it around, only for it to accidentally discharge. She heard a slump to the floor in the hallway.

Celestia tepidly walked out into the halls and saw Sunset's body bleeding from the head, her blood flowing onto a nearby tablecloth.

"NO!" Celestia said in agonized despair. "What have I done?!" Celestia tearfully bent down and picked up the now reddened tablecloth, throwing Sunset's body away as if it were a ragdoll.

"My poor tablecloth," Celestia said mournfully. "Don't worry, baby. I'll get you to a doctor." Celestia ran out of the room, cradling the poor linen like it was her child.

Storm King Gets a Package

The Storm King's Airship raced across the sky, bumping into clouds and the occasional bird that smacked into the windshield as it approached Canterlot.

"Soon, I will be the most powerful being in all of Equestria!" The Storm King bellowed from the depths of his ship with sadistic glee. "I'll crush those stupid, wimpy little ponies under my paws!" The simian creature continued to cackle.

Tempest Shadow rolled her eyes out of a combination of boredom and annoyance. "How many times has he said that?" Tempest asked her sidekick rhetorically with quiet exasperation.

"198 times," Grubber said cheerfully, gesturing to tally marks on the wall.

"Thank you, Grubber," Tempest said with sarcastic frustration while rubbing her temple with her hoof. A horn blew, signaling that an announcement was coming through the intercom.

"Storm Kingdom, we shall reach Canterlot within 30 minutes!" A Storm King soldier announced. "Prepare your weapons, put on your armor, and remember to leave your carry-on luggage in the overhead compartment as we prepare our global conquest."

"Your Highness," Tempest said, prostrating herself before the King while the various soldiers began preparing for their invasion. "Are you sure about this?"

"About what?" Storm King said.

"Marching into the capital when all the ponies are present," Tempest said with urgency and frustration.

"What are you talking about," Storm King said with disbelief. "It is the best plan any creature could ever come up with. Ever."

"But all the Royal Guards, Princesses, and the Bearers of the Elements are present," Tempest said. "Are you sure our forces can stand up to all of that? Especially if go right up to them demanding surrender?"

"Of course," Storm King said. "They are just a bunch of dumb ponies. What can they do? Resist an invasion? Overwhelming our hundreds with an army of tens of thousands? Use their alicorn powers to cut us off from weather, dooming us to a slow and painful famine?"

"Well, those are pretty well pretty good reasons we shouldn't be-"

"Now let's stop a worryin' about dumb things like tactics and logistics and start invading!" Storm King said as if he was watching a Wonderbolts performance.

"Yes sir," Tempest said, her fears immediately to rest. "It can't possibly fail," the purple pony said, her voice salivating at the prospect of regaining her lost horn, never mind that she achieved prosperity and wealth without it, and the Storm King hadn't explained how precisely she would regrow her horn. It was the principle of the matter that counted. She was putting on her armor when she heard some creature banging on entry door to the hull.

"Who could be knocking on the door when we're airborne?" the Storm King asked with mild confusion.

"A Pegasus," Grubber said helpfully.

"Oh right," Storm King said with some annoyance. "Tempest," the Storm King ordered.

"Yes, sir," Tempest said, turning to the door. She opened it and flew some weird grey Pegasus. The Pegasus had a blond mane, a cutie mark with bubbles, walleyes, and a dopey smile.

"What business have you, Pony," the Storm King growled. The grey mare didn't look remotely afraid of the Storm King, still smiling.

"Are you Marion S. King?" the pegasus asked the King happily. The Storm King frowned in annoyance.

"Wait, your name is Marion?" Grubber asked, a small smirk appearing on his face.

"Yes," the Storm King said with some anger. Grubber fell to the ground in fits of laughter, much to the exasperation of the Storm King. The other guards also chuckled while Tempest let a devious grin form on her muzzle. The Pegasus pulled a yellow envelope out of her saddlebag.

"Are you Marion S. King?" the pegasus repeated.

"I just said my name is Marion," the Storm King said with frustration, not liking his boring loser name being said aloud.

"Are you Marion S. King?" Pegasus, emphasizing the last two parts of the Storm King's full name.

"YES!" The Storm King bellowed. "I am Marion S. King!"

"Congratulations Marion S. King, you have a special delivery," the pegasus said, tearing the letter open with her teeth. "Dear Marion S. King, your airship has entered unauthorized airspace. If you don't remove your airship out of the no-fly zone within the next 5 minutes, we of the Equestrian Air Force are prepared to respond with force. Please heed our warning-" The Storm King jumped in front of the mare and let out a growl of rage.

"You think you can threaten me!" the Storm King screeched, his posture threatening and his staff like a sword. "I have laid waste to numerous kingdoms. Your little puny pony world is nothing compared to my power!"

"-or we shall destroy your airship at your expense," the Pegasus said, still reading the letter and nonplussed by Storm King's bluster. "Love, Commander Spitfire."

"Tell your pathetic Commander that she'll be my slave within the next," the Storm King said, paused as he mulled over his response, four minutes."

"OK, Dokey, bacon smokey," the grey mare said happily. "I will let her know." The Pegasus pulled out some form. "Can you please sign here declaring that the Equestrian Air Force gave you a fair warning?"

"Of course, ma'am," the Storm King said politely. "I'd be glad, too!" Pulling out a pen, he affixed his signature on the document. "Have a wonderful day," the evil overlord said cheerfully.

"You too," the grey mare said with a wave before flying out of the airship.

"I knew that mare would chicken out before my might," the Storm King said with maniacal glee. "Soon, all of Equestria will-,"

"Marion-I meant, your royal majesty sir," one of the guards said with some embarrassed snickering. "Something is flying toward us."

"What, that same dumb mare," the Storm King said dismissively.

"No, it is some weird rocket thing," the guard said. "It's all pointy and fast."

"Probably some fireworks celebrating my-" A blast went off. In an instant, the Storm King and most of his minions were vaporized, the hull was destroyed, and the airship began dipping, losing all maneuverability. Tempest and Grubber held on to dear life as their ship plummeted toward the ground, burning and spinning around.

"Grubber," Tempest said longingly. "Since this is the end, there is something I've always wanted to tell you but never dared to say until."

"Yeah," Grubber said.

"You are the worst sidekick ever."

"That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me," Grubber said, happy tears flowing down his face as he chose to meet his doom with dignity.

The ship crashed into the forest with a fiery explosion. Spitfire looked at the flaming wreck with no small amount of pride.

"Now that's what I call Special Delivery," Spitfire said, proudly holding up her bazooka as if it were a mighty sword.

Starlight Discovers Equality

"Starlight," Party Favor said, a painfully forced grin on his face as he approached the leader of Our Town in the middle of the street.

"Yes, Party Favor," Starlight said, a small smile on her face. An acute observer would notice the smile wasn't reaching her eyes.

"Um, instead of taking away cutie marks to enforce equality among ponies," Party Favor said, the smile becoming more brittle, "maybe we could, I don't know, demand and lobby for economic and social reforms that end the privileges of the nobility and replace the guilds with a free market economy based on fair competition."

"Why Party Favor," Starlight said happily, "that is a wonderful idea."

"Really?"

"Yes," Starlight said, her smile becoming mocking. "I'm gonna put it on my suggestion side of the refrigerator so I'll see it daily."

"Really," Party Favor said excitedly.

"Anything for you, my best buddy," Starlight said.

"Best?" Party Favor said with excitement.

"Everypony is my best friend/kidnapped slave in Our Town," Starlight gushed, "but you're so special-" Starlight noticed her slip of the tongue. "Oh, wait, actually, you are not special. You aren't special at all. Nopony is here." Starlight shrugged. "Sorry for suggesting you had any originality."

"Oh," Party Favor said before trotting away dejectedly.

Starlight returned to her cabin late at night. Shutting the door, she let out a happy but tired sigh.

"Well, I've done a good job of ensuring a better society," Starlight said. "I deserve a treat." She reached into her cupboard and pulled out a box of the fanciest Canterlot chocolates on the market, biting into them. "I truly represent the common pony," she said as she swallowed the luxury chocolates and put on her overpriced Saddle Arabian silk gown.

"Of course, most ponies like Party Favor have silly ideas," she said as she rested her head on her custom griffin feather bed and pillow. "So they need a smart pony like me to lead them like an obnoxious busybody into equality."

"Ha Ha Ha," Starlight cackled as she galloped away with the cutie marks of the bearers, "I will ensure those ponies will never-"

BAM!

Starlight fell to the ground, her head in throbbing agony. To her horror, her horn had been blown off, with blood flowing from the stump. She saw that the jar she was carrying fell to the ground and shattered, releasing the cutie marks of those annoying ponies.

She heard fluttering above her head and saw the yellow pegasus hovering above her with Party Favor on her back, shotgun in hoof. "Hey, Starlight," Party Favor joked as she approached his former master, "did you have a blast?!"

Fluttershy rolled her eyes and shook her head in disapproval at the pun.

"Please don't arrest me," Starlight said, pleading for mercy. "I didn't mean any harm."

"You locked the Princess of Harmony in captivity, held ponies against their will, and used forbidden magic to tip the cutie marks away from ponies," Fluttershy said.

"But...but I have a tragic backstory," Starlight said.

"What is it?"

Starlight looked to the ground, angry tears forming on her face. "My best friend moved away."

"That's terrible," Fluttershy said, her voice dripping with sarcastic concern, "You couldn't possibly, oh, I don't know, send him a letter?!" Fluttershy yelled at the injured mare in an unimpressed tone. Starlight let out a sheepish smile and looked desperately at Party Favor.

"Party Favor, remember all the nice things I did for you?"

"You mean kidnapping me, stealing my cutie mark, taking all my money, subjecting me to months of mental torture, giving me nothing but scraps, and making me live in a dirty cabin?"

"Yes," Starlight said with a happy smile. "We've had such good times together-" Starlight stopped at her Party Favor wrapped confetti around Starlight's muzzle, shutting up her protests. Starlight's muffles dialed down as two royal guards flew into Our Town. After communicating with the Bearers, they wrapped Starlight in chains, put gauze over the broken stump of her horn, and dragged her to a carriage that would transport her to Equestria for trial.

"Man, these work so well," Party Favor said, gushing about his pistol. "Man, that has got to hurt," Party Favor said, gritting his teeth and wincing at Starlight's blown-off horn.

"Don't worry," Fluttershy said warmly as she watched Starlight's arrest. "She wanted to be closer to Sunburst, and now she can visit her all the time in Canterlot jail."

Getting The Drop on King Sombra

"At last," King Sombra bellowed over his balcony. "After a millennium in that wretched prison, I shall now take my rightful place as Crystal Emperor. And soon, Emperor of all Equestria! HUZZAH!"

The Crystal Ponies, assembled before their monarch and in chains, looked dejected.

"Cheer for me!" Sombra commanded. "You should all be honored to be my subjects." The Crystal Ponies let out half-hearted cheers, sounding more like victims of strep throat. In frustration, Sombra angrily stormed from his balcony and into his bedroom.

"I killed their ruler, enslaved them, destroyed all their hopes and dreams, and planned to rob them of their free will," Sombra muttered to himself. "Why are they so ungrateful toward me?!"

"Your majesty," a timid voice said. Sombra turned around and saw a feeble, pink Crystal Pony approach him. "There is-"

"What are you supposed to call me, slave?" Sombra said warningly, his sclera turning green as he lit his horn with dark magic.

"But-," the servant continued before being roughly seized by her neck in Sombra's magical grip and dragged to face Sombra eye to eye. The trace of panic went through the otherwise jaded pony. "Your royal highness, Ruler of the Crystal Empire, Greatest Conqueror of All, Greatest and Most Powerfulest Pony in all of Ponykind-"

"Aaaaaand!"

"-and the stallion blessed with the biggest," the servant let out an embarrassed sigh, "size of all the stallions."

"Good," Sombra said, releasing the servant from his magical grasp. She roughly fell to the ground. "Now, what drivel must you spout," Sombra arrogantly said to the servant.

"This Pegasus gave me this letter demanding that you surrender or face destruction," the servant said, her voice husky from being choked, presenting Sombra with the letter. Sombra opened the letter and read it. After skimming through it, he threw it away while laughing.

"They claim they'll destroy the Crystal Empire," Sombra said with a chuckle. "Not even Sunbutt and Moonbutt together could destroy the Empire, let alone keep me chained in their frozen prison forever." He let out another megalomaniacal cackle. "Tell this pegasus I'd like to see them try." Sombra trotted away happily, continuing to boast about his greatness

The servant pony stumbled to the window and opened it. A white Pegasus colt flew in.

"He said 'he'd like to see you try,'" the servant said with a sour expression.

Rumble jotted it down with a clipboard before flying to a cloud just above Sombra's castle. Rumble looked at the box with trepidation, with the words "Conflict Resolution" written on its side. With a solemn sigh, Rumble began pushing the payload toward the edge of the cloud.

Sombra prepared for another speech, only accidentally scratching his metal horseshoe against the crystal walls.

"Damn it," Sombra yelled. "How could this day get any worse?" Above his head, he heard a whistling sound. When he saw what was overhead, he felt his blood run cold.

"Oh. My. Celestia," Sombra said with quiet terror. A monkey crashed on top of him.

"Ahh," Sombra screamed as the monkey bit him and scratched away at his skin.

"Get it off," get it off," Sombra wailed in pain as the monkey continued to maul him. "Subjects," Sombra said pathetically, "I command you to assist me!" Instead of looking at him with fear or horrified apathy, Sombra's subjects trotted away with disgust, seeing their Emperor reduced to a sniveling child.

"He's crying over one little monkey," one pony said disgustingly.

"I bet Sombra still uses a nightlight," another pony said.

"I bet he still has warm milk before sleep."

"Slaves," King Sombra said, trying and falling to throw the monkey off," I plead with you to help your beloved king." The downed king looked desperately at his servant for help. She also trotted away in disgust, but not before lightly bucking the king and farting in his face.

"Buck you, Sombra," the servant said tiredly before leaving the balcony.

The sounds of the Crystal Empire were filled with shrieks of joy from the freed ponies, the wail of a heroic monkey, and the pitiful cries of a defeated king.

"Mommy," the mighty king wailed. "Please get me some warm milk!"

Bonus Chapter: A Little Persuasion

Trixie and Sunset heard Wallflower, the latest bi-monthly villain of Canterlot High, rant about her diabolical plan involving the memories of Sunset's friends and the Memory Stone.

"So to make everyone notice you," Sunset said blankly once Wallflower was done caterwauling, "you're gonna use a magic rock that erases everyone's memories of you." Sunset looked at the gardening girl confusedly. "How does this work again?"

"Because...it does!" Wallflower said in an edgelord voice.

"Trixie herself wonders what kind of planet you're living on!" Trixie said derisively at the plant-loving outcast.

"Don't try and defeat me using logic!" Wallflower overtly dramatically, while the Memory Stone at the duo. "What matters is I have the power. That means I win!" Both girls looked at each other in confusion. A smirk appeared on Trixie as she whispered an idea into Sunset's ears.

"Trixie has a magic trick!" Trixie said in a casual tone while approaching the short girl.

A mocking grin appeared on Wallflower's face. "And what is-" Wallflower paused as she found a gun leveled at her face.

"Give Trixie the all-powerful mystery rock!" Trixie threatened. "Or else Trixie will make this cap magically appear up your ASS!"

Wallflower stared blankly at the gun before fearfully giving the rock to Sunset and running out of the room screaming.

"Creep," Sunset said under her breath. She smiled at Trixie. "Thanks for the help!"

"The Great and Powerful Trixie is happy too," Trixie paused at Sunset and took the gun out of Trixie's hand. "Uh, what are you-"

"I'm sorry," Sunset said with an excited grin as she held up the gun, beaming at it like it was pirate treasure. "But wouldn't our lives be easier if we could deal with all the magical shit in our lives with this baby!"

"The Great and Powerful Trixie doesn't even have an opinion," Trixie said uneasily.

"Well, you've got to have an opinion," Sunset said, turning to Trixie, her finger on the trigger, "I mean-" a gunshot went off.

"Oh man, I shot Trixie in the knee," Sunset said, as if all she did was spill her drink.

"Why the fuck did you do that!" Trixie whined over the piece of metal lodged in her body. "Now there's fucking blood all over my shoes!"

"I didn't mean to. It was an accident, I swear!" Sunset said defensively. Sunset's face smirked as she remembered the memory of erasing rock in her hands. "Maybe we can...forget this ever happened."