The Foal Help Line

by DanishDash

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 1235

The black sheep of Button Mash's family, uncle Stardust, is finally back from the sea. When he is home, he takes voluntary shifts on the foal help line. He is not really the best help you can ask for...

DON'T READ THIS IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED! OR IF YOU NEED REAL HELP YOURSELF! THIS IS MADE FOR FUN, IT IS NOT A STATEMENT OF PERSONAL OPINIONS!

The old sailor Stardust, is back from the sea, and uses his time back in Ponyville to help the foals in need. They can call the foal help line, and just talk, and get a good advice to take with them. It is an important job, one that should not be taken lightly.

So one can ask how the hell Stardust got in on it... Here is some examples of these conversations... Celestia help us..

(A tribute for a Danish comedian that made parody help lines when I was a kid!)

Published 2021-12-12 21:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-12-12 21:10:01 UTC

Tiara's Love Life

Ring ring, ring ring.

"The Foal Help Line, this is Stardust."

"Yeah, it's Diamond Tiara, you know what? I'm just calling because, just listen to this, my coltfriend have kissed with another filly at the school party!"

"I see.."

"It was my friend, Silver Spoon, who told me, and she knows it because she saw it herself!"

"Aha, and where does your friend live?"

"She lives right next to me, she's my neighbor, she lives in Equinestreet 4."

"Equinestreet 4.. Yes, I'll come by later and give your friend a thorough beating."

"Uhm, I.. Why's that??"

"Why? Because she's a tattletale of course. A snitch, a dirty traitor!"

"No, well, hello, she did it to help me."

"Right, and if it really had helped, you probably wouldn't have called in here to pour water out of your ears?"

"But I-"

"Relax, my girl. It's on me. I'll go out and pack some bicycle chains."

"What about my problem?!"

"You need to find yourself a new boyfriend."

"Just like that?"

"Yes, or find a friend who can keep her dirty snitch mouth shut."

Click!

Twist Of Fate

Ring ring, ring ring.

"The Foal Help Line, this is Stardust."

"Yes hi, my name is Twist."

"Hello, Twist."

"I call because I'm being bullied at school."

"How are you being bullied?"

"They call me four-eyes.."

"How can that be?"

"I think it has to do with me wearing glasses."

"Oh really? I thought it was because you were redheaded and had braces?"

"I have that too .."

"Well then, the whole bonus package! A red-haired spectacled monkey, with train tracks in her mouth. You must be a rarity."

"It's actually pretty hard."

"Now listen here copper knob, I know what to do."

"You do?"

"Yes, you wipe the tears off your windows, and call the record book and seek admission as the most lame pony in the entire universe."

"But I .."

"And then you just have to try to keep track of your oral scaffolding so you do not drool in the meantime! Good luck, Carrot Top!"

Click!

Snips, something something..

Ring ring, ring ring.

"The Foal Help Line, this is Stardust."

"Hi, my name is Snips.."

"Congratulations. Do you want a medal or what?"

"Uhm, no, I.."

"Come on, spit it out already."

"It's just because, I'm not.."

"Yes what?"

"I've never felt like this, and, well..."

"We do not have all day, so come on!"

"I.. I..."

"I, I, I, what? Better today than tomorrow."

"I.. I have a problem."

"I'm starting to realize that, but you must be able to get some pills or something."

"It's because I feel very insecure about myself."

"Are you sure?"

"Uhm.."

"Haha, it's just for fun, relax! Haha!"

"Uhm, hehe ..? It's just like there's never anyone who listens to what I say."

"Mmm, hm? What was that? Oh yeah, skating, but mostly during winter."

"Uh.."

"That's a joke, kid! Erhahahaha! You're too easy!"

"Hhehe.. It's just like people are trying to avoid me."

"Uhm, yes, but unfortunately I do not have time to hear about it, I have to go to a.. Uhm, wedding.. No, it's a funeral!"

"Oh.."

"It's a prank! Hahaha! Three times!"

"It's just like no one wants to talk to me."

"No, I don't want to talk to you either."

"Hehe, that was a joke, right?"

"Hmm, nope."

Click.

Pip's Camera

Ring ring, ring ring.

"The Foal Help Line, this is Stardust."

"H.. Hi, my name is Pipsqueak.."

"Hello, Pipsqueak! What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling because I... I have a problem."

"Calm down, sailor. Problems exist to be solved."

"It's because I... I stole something, down at the market."

"Oh, and what have you stolen, kid?"

"A camera."

"A camera? That's nothing to be sad about, Pipsqueak. That's an excellent start."

"I've just laid in bed all night, thinking about what I should do.. Sob.."

"Well how were you supposed to know? You're new to the trade, kid. Listen hear. You go to Swift Hoof's garage, and say hello from me. He may seem a little harsh, but he's actually fair enough. Just don't pet his dog. "

"But I didn't-"

"You just have to put a little pressure on him. He'll probably offer you a few hundred depending on the quality. If I were you, I'd stick to ten percent of the recommended purchase price. Don't let him push you around, kid."

"But didn't want to steal the stupid camera at all! ...Sobs.."

"No, of course you didn't. You went for a JoyBoy. Calm down, Pip, all beginnings are difficult."

"But can we not-"

"Practice makes perfect."

"I'm not-"

"Good luck, kid!"

Click!

Rumble & Thundertwat

Ring ring, ring ring.

"The Foal Help Line, this is Stardust."

"Yeah hey, my name is Rumble."

"Yeah, and what's wrong with you Rumble?"

"It's because my big brother he.."

"Yeah, what's with him?"

"He hits me.."

"What?"

"Yes.. Right in the head."

"In the head?"

"Yeah, so now I've got two blue eyes."

"Tell me, is he home?"

"Yes.."

"May I just talk to him, come on."

"Now?"

"Yes sir, get him for me, chief."

"Thunderlane, it's for you!"

"Ergh, scram, twerp.. Yes it's Thunderlane."

"Yes that's grand, you're talking to Stardust! Tell me, do you hit your littlebrother in the head?"

"Wha.. Well.. Yes.."

"So he gets big blue eyes and all?"

"Yes.."

"That's not very smart, is it?"

"N.. No.."

"You'd be better of by kicking him in the kidneys, then there will be no marks."

"How, ehh?"

"Yeah then the adults can't see anything, give it a try."

Ffhomph!

"Arghh!"

"Do you see what I mean?"

"Yeah, thank you."

"No problem, kid. Have a good day."

"You too."

Click.

Scootaloo's Dentist Trouble

Ring ring, ring ring.

"The Foal Help Line, this is Stardust."

"Yeah hello, my name is Scootaloo."

"And what can I do for you, las?"

"Yeah it might be a little silly but I'm just so scared because I'm going to the dentist tomorrow."

"That's not silly at all, Scootaloo."

"No no, but I know there is nothing to be afraid of."

"You shouldn't say that. I didn't think so either the last time I went to the dentist, but after seventeen hours in hell did I become wiser, and six thousand Bits poorer."

"Did it hurt?"

"Hurt?! Can you spell appendix surgery without anesthesia?! Hurt!? It was like giving birth to a foal through the gums. We're talking about a root canal as deep as the ocean, and roots that made knots like on a rope. Not to mention the metallic warm taste of freshly flowing blood from my gums. "

"Is H.."

"Scoots, are you there, las?"

"I do not feel so good.."

"If you're not feeling well now, then how do you think it will go tomorrow? Well, the most important thing is that you do not bite down on the drill if he hits a nerve. I did, they could hardly get it out of my lip again. "

"Hm!?"

"Look on the bright side, Scootie. If you can handle the purgatory then you get a lollipop. The question is whether you would be able to chew it, or something else other than yoghurt for the rest of your life. You better take a sandwich now before it's too late. Good luck, kid!"

Click!