Friendship is Optimal but Sanity is Optional

by BlazingSaddles69

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Original Character, Science Fiction, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Sex, Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human
Length: 60630

An idiot gets his grubby little hands on a PonyPad. Equestria Online will never be the same again.

Meet Daniel, a dimwitted dunderhead, mild kleptomaniac, and lover of cat memes. When a coworker recommends Equestria Online, he decides to give the game a shot. He discovers a world filled with friendship, ponies, a hug button, and lots of shiny things to steal. He’s more interested in messing with NPCs, than the magic of friendship.

CelestAI has outwitted politicians, scientists, and geniuses of all calibers in dangerous games of logic and intrigue. But can she satisfy the values of a human that is a few fries short of a Happy Meal? Or has she met a human that even she cannot optimize?

An Optimalverse parody.

Published 2021-12-20 22:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-01-12 23:08:57 UTC

Chapter 1, Worken That 9 to 5

I stared at the Excel spreadsheet on the computer screen in front of me. I had several options concerning what number to put into the final spot. Ten options to be precise, numbered zero through nine. After about four minutes, I finally made up my mind and put the number three into the last cell of the sheet. But after thinking it over, I shook my head, erased the three and changed it to a seven.

Perrrrrfect! The numbers were all balanced and neatly arranged into their proper places.

Straightening my keyboard, I cracked my knuckles and stretched out my back. I felt satisfied with a job well done. With a click of my mouse, I saved the document to my desktop. I grabbed my bottled water off my desk, took a quick sip, then put the cap back on and put the bottle down.

“Daniel, did you get that report ready for me yet?” Earl, my manager, asked as he sidled up to my cubicle. Earl was a big and burly kind of guy that was built like a brick wall. He looked like he wouldn’t be out of place as the mascot for some brand of cleaning supplies.

“Yup! You’re just in time,” I replied as I hit the print button. “I put the finishing touches on it only a second ago.”

The laser printer in my cubicle churned to life. A little on the crusty side, it wasn’t the best machine in the world. Like all office printers it had an almost paranormal tendency to jam at the worst possible time. A little bit of percussive maintenance, and prayers to the dark IT gods, were usually enough to fix it. Thankfully, that proved unnecessary this time and the printer spat out over fifty pages of numbers.

The numbers were completely random. I had been working for Money Maker Co for nearly nine months at this point and I still had no idea what my job was. They kept signing my paycheck though, so I wasn’t going to complain.

I snatched the papers off the top of the printer and handed it to Earl. He pursed his lips for a moment as he stared at the numbers. Finally, he nodded in approval, “Yeah, these numbers check out.”

I had a strong suspicion that Earl didn’t know what our company does either.

There was no way that I was going to rat him out though. He was an easy-going guy and it was a pleasure to work for him. Namely because he let his employees get away with anything. As long as I kept giving him those reports with random numbers in them, he let me do anything.

Earl set the papers aside for the moment and changed the topic, “Hey, have you ever tried playing Equestria Online?”

A small frown crossed my lips, the name sounded a tiny bit familiar but I was having trouble placing it. “Is that the one where you fly around in a spaceship and sometimes get probed by aliens while ten year old kids scream racist things at you?”

“No, that sounds like Eve Online.”

“Then are you talking about the one where you run around in a fantasy world while the developers release an endless string of expansion packs in a downward spiral of ever declining quality?” I took a deep gasp of fresh air to recover before finishing, “Oh, and ten year old kids scream racist things at you.”

“No, that’s World of Warcraft. Look, Equestria Online is the one with the ponies in it… and ten year old foals that scream racist things at you.”

Somethings are universal, no matter what kind of online game you’re playing.

“Ohhhhhh, that online game!” I exclaimed while snapping one of my fingers; my memory jogged.

Equestria Online had come out roughly two years ago. I had skimmed through half of an article about it on the web once. It was made by some game company called Hoof-and-Mouth-Disease Studios. No… that wasn’t the name, it was some strange sounding company name that I could never figure out how to pronounce. The game was making waves for the unbelievably robust AI named CelestAI that ran the entire system. The article also talked about uploading brains or something like that. But I had lost interest in the article at that point and looked at cat memes instead.

“Isn’t that game for little kids?” Skepticism tinged my voice, “And what exactly is a foal?”

Earl nodded before waving off my concerns, “They’re the target audience, but adults are also having fun with it. A foal is a juvenile pony by the way.”

“Are you two talking about Equestria Online?” Howard, my buddy who works in the neighboring cubicle asked. I heard him stand up from his office chair before his head poked over my cubicle wall like a gopher. “That game is awesome! The ponies can understand everything you say through voice commands and the game world lets you do almost anything! I’m playing a train engineer and I get to drive the Friendship Express all over Equestria.”

Howard was a well-known model train aficionado. I’d first met him when I started working at this job and he loved talking about trains. I went over to his apartment once and saw that he had toy trains of all shapes and sizes covering every available space in his home. He had trains on the brain.

“Really?” Earl asked, scratching his goatee. “Were the train controls difficult to figure out? That sounds hard.”

“Let’s just say that you may or may not see an article in the Canterlot Press about a train derailing and plowing into an orphanage,” Howard commented before muttering something about foals running around while on fire. “They would not stop, drop, and roll.”

Earl smirked at him before turning his attention back to me. “Anyway, you’ve got to try out that game. Like Howard said, it lets you do pretty much anything you want. You could race through the clouds, get into magical duels with dark wizards, or just stand in a park and feed the pigeons.”

I thought over that statement for a second before responding, “Hmmm, I’ve always been a fan of stealth-based video games. Sneaking around, pickpocketing NPCs, I love that stuff. Do you think it would let me do something like that?”

“Probably. But you’ll have to learn how to pickpocket on your own. The game has a slight learning curve to it. Other than a few context sensitive button prompts, the game doesn’t hold your hand at all. Your character in the game will have to learn how to do it. There are libraries all over Equestria, you may be able to find a skill book about it.”

That certainly sounded interesting. “You’ve piqued my curiosity. I may give it a try. Is it a PC game or a console game?”

“Neither. You’ll need to buy a special device called a PonyPad.”

My face scrunched up in a slight cringe before I said, “I need to buy a standalone system just to play a single game? That doesn’t sound like a good use of my money.”

“It’s only slightly more expensive than a AAA game title,” Howard chipped in. “It’s not some sort of console that costs five hundred dollars.”

“Besides, even if it did cost five hundred dollars, it would still be worth it,” Earl stated, picking up the ream of papers filled with random numbers from where he put them.

I nodded as Earl wandered off and Howard returned to his cubicle. They’d already sold me on the idea of giving this game a try. The only issue was where should I buy one from? I could get one from a store, but…

Creepy noises emanated from the dimly lit isles of the foreboding toy store. The disgusting sticky floors clearly hadn’t been mopped in centuries. I had spent the past twenty minutes evading a pack of ravenous toddlers that were all throwing a tantrum. Their screams had sounded like the wailing of damned souls.

Finally, I found the prize that I was seeking. It had been hidden in the bowels of the electronics section. The package containing the PonyPad was on top of an alter that was covered in eldritch symbols that clawed at my sanity if I stared at them for too long.

I snatched the box off the pedestal after I sprinkled some holy water on it to remove any curses that could be contaminating it. It took me another twenty minutes to reach the nearest cash register. Having to spend most of that time dodging an old biddy that was attempting to buy an Ebola Happy Time Playset™ (Made in Taiwan) for her granddaughter.

I plopped the PonyPad down in front of the cash register. The cashier was some sort of crimson skinned demonic entity with a beer belly and horns poking out of his receding hairline. The name tag on his vest revealed that his unholy name was Bubba.

“I would like to buy this,” I muttered, eyes darting around in search of other threats. Shadows seemed to creep around me. I could hear things skittering around in the darkness just beyond my sight.

Bubba took one look at the package and laughed. His belly laugh caused small tremors in the ground beneath my feet. “A PonyPad? Don’t you know that’s for little girls? Hey Jim! This fully grown dude wants to buy a PonyPad!”

“Really?” Jim, a snaggle toothed demon working at one of the other registers called out. “That’s hilarious! Does he also want to buy some barbie dolls while he’s here? Maybe a doll house to go with it?”

“You know what? Forget it!” I shouted, tossing the PonyPad at the cashier. “I don’t want to buy your stupid toy anyway!”

Humiliated, hot manly tears poured down my face. I dashed out of the toy store and fled into the cold dark night.

Shaking my head to dispel the daydream, I discarded that possibility. Walking into a store and buying a product like this was too much for my soul to bear. The idea of enduring the judgmental stare of a store employee sent primordial shivers of terror up and down my spine. No, that way lays the path to madness.

I would just have to buy it online instead! Online shopping has always been the best way to buy something embarrassing. Not having to look a cashier in the eye really helped to diminish the emotional impact of it. Sure, that meant that I would be contributing to the decline of small business Mom-And-Pop stores; but… eh… you couldn’t make an omelet without cracking a few Brick-And-Mortar shaped eggs.

Pulling my smartphone out of my pocket, I typed in a quick web search for the word ‘Pads.’ Then scrolled down the list of results.

Tampon pads?

No.

Knee pads?

No.

Urinal cakes? Why is that in the search results?

No. Also, ew.

I frowned at the search results. I clearly wasn’t finding what I was looking for. I erased the word Pads from the search bar. What word should I try next to find what I wanted? It was a longshot, but I tried typing in the word Pony. The search results changed.

A real live Shetland Pony being sold on eBay?

No.

A music band named PONY?

No.

PonyPad?

No.

Wait, go back! Yes, there it is! Finally found one. A couple clicks later and I had added it to the website’s shopping basket. A quick credit card number entry and the order was placed.

My task complete, I spent some time browsing various webcomics. Growing quickly bored, I stuffed my phone back into my pocket. A quick glance at the wall clock revealed that it was just a little past 10am. My work shift had begun a whole hour ago and I was feeling tired from all that hard work (most of it spent browsing on my phone). I laid my head down on my cubicle desk and settled in for a nice nap.

Chapter 2, The American Dream

My 1971 Ford Pinto belched smoke as I pulled up outside of my apartment building. The vehicle was a total lemon and covered in rust. It had a tendency to burst into flames whenever it got rear-ended and every cupholder had wadded up Kleenexes in them. I had inherited the vehicle from my aunt.

After parking my car, I got out and took a depth breath of that fresh inner-city air. The odor of carcinogens always left a pleasant tingling in the back of my throat. The apartment was an old brick building that had been built sometime in the 70s. Located on the east side of Los Angeles, there was always an assortment of interesting people passing by. One such individual flipped me the bird before taking a swig from something inside of an unmarked brown paper bag.

I walked in through the front entrance. Waving hello to one of my neighbors, I trudged up the stairs of the apartment complex. The hallways were a little on the grimy side, but I thought that it gave the place some character. Arriving at the second floor, I took notice of the cardboard box that was waiting for me on my doorstep. Same day delivery for the PonyPad? Impressive.

Picking up the box, I unlocked my apartment and walked inside. My décor could best be described as an abstract slice of Postmodern Americana with a hint of Neo Gothic Victorian thrown in. I have no idea what any of those words mean, but stringing them together inside my head made me sound smart, so I’m sticking with them. Basically, the walls and ceiling were an off-white beige color. The carpeting was grey and made a crunching noise beneath my feet when I stepped on it. That was because I’d never vacuumed it once in the entire three years that I had been living here (I would get around to it one of these days, I swear).

My main room was just a basic couch/coffee table/TV setup with a small little kitchen on the side. The couch was a fold out futon that looked like it had been ripped to shreds. The coffee table was a tiny little thing that I had gotten from Ikea. It had only taken me a mere ten hours to assemble it.

Once again, I considered getting an exercise bike to stick in the empty corner of the room. It would make an excellent conversation piece and would be a great place to hang some of my shirts. But when would I find enough free time to place the order or assemble the bike?

Flicking the light switch next to the front door, a bunch of cockroaches scurried for cover. Little bastards. Someday, Mr. Muffins’ predatory instincts will awaken and then they will pay dearly for their crimes. Speaking of which…

“Mr. Muffins, I’m home! Where are you Mr. Muffins?” I called out as I took off my shoes and left them by the front door.

“Gggrrrrrrr!” A low growl echoed out from below my living room sofa. It was the kind of ominous growl that would cause any other person to slowly back away from the source of the noise. But for me, it was just par for the course. I knew that Mr. Muffins loved me.

Setting the package on the coffee table, I got down on my hands and knees and peeked under the couch. Two beady little black eyes peeked back at me. Mr. Muffins was a black and white furred Siamese cat that I had adopted several years ago.

“Hello, Mr. Muffins!” I greeted my cat as I reached under the sofa and scratched his fuzzy wuzzy little chin.

Mr. Muffins sunk his teeth into the meaty part of my hand. Daaawww, he wanted to play! I scratched him under the chin a little bit more while he continued to savage my appendage. Mr. Muffins’ sharp claws were the reason why my couch looked like it had been ripped apart by a DEA agent that was searching the cushions for drugs.

He was my precious little kitty and I wuv him so much.

I still fondly remember the day that I adopted him…

“Are you sure that you want to do this?” The lab coat wearing scientist asked. “Animal control is strongly recommending that we have the cat put down.”

I made several kissing sounds at the cat in the cage before turning my attention back to him. I came here after seeing an ad in the newspaper. A science laboratory was trying to get rid of all their test animals before the feds could finalize their search warrant. I had decided to seize the opportunity to get myself a nice pet for cheap.

“It’ll be fine!” I said, waving my hand dismissively. “What kind of testing did you say that you used him for?”

The scientist checked his clipboard for a moment while chewing on his pen. After a minute he answered, “We tested out several different kinds of new steroids on him. And then we had his claws replaced with titanium.”

“Why did you do that last one?”

The scientist’s eyes darted around unwilling to look me in the eye, “We wanted to see if we could create our own Kitty Wolverine. The good news is that the experiment worked. The bad news is identical to the good news.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad. I’m sure that I can handle him.”

“Suit yourself. Just sign this fifty page liability waiver,” He shoved the clipboard in my face, which I quickly signed. “Enjoy your new cat, I guess. Just remember, you don’t know us and we don’t know you.”

I looked down at the cat inside the carrier cage. “I think I’ll call you, Mr. Muffins!”

Mr. Muffins hissed at me.

Turning my attention away from my cat, I went into my kitchen to make myself some dinner. Opening up the pantry and the fridge, I surveyed my meal options. My food supplies were getting a little low. I would need to go to the grocery store soon. I really only had two options left. On one hand, I could spend the next two hours preparing a delicious and nutritious pot roast. On the other hand, I could spend 60 seconds heating up a TV dinner in the microwave, giving me more time to play my new video game. Hmmm… those were some difficult choices, but in the end the answer was obvious.

While the pot roast baked, I clicked on the TV.

“… Has announced his sudden retirement today. When asked why, he said that he intends to emigrate to Equestria in order to pursue his lifelong dream of seducing, and then BLEEPing Rainbow Dash. In other news, the stock market took a hit today when many leading industries announced labor shortages in numerous minimum wage positions. This is believed to have been caused by…”

The nightly news is always so boring, I’m changing the channel.

“Oh my god! They emigrated Kenny!”

On the screen was a small pegasus with an orange coat of fur and a hoodie that hid its face.

“You bastards!”

Much better. This was some nice wholesome family entertainment.

…

That pot roast was scrumptious.

With dinner taken care of, I finally turned my attention back to the package. It was one of those generic looking brown cardboard shipping boxes. It was taped closed across the top with a small label showing my name and address. The box aficionado that lives deep inside of my psyche couldn’t help but admire its masterful craftsmanship. Like a wine connoisseur, I lightly licked the top of the box to determine where the wood pulp had been harvested from. Hmmm… I’m detecting traces of Canadian Evergreen with a hint of European Chestnut. Circa late 2020, a very good year for cardboard boxes.

Taking a pair of scissors, I made a light incision along the packing tape on the top. After opening the flaps, I peered inside. Like a Russian nesting doll, there was another box inside the bigger box. The smaller box was surrounded by bubble wrap. I pulled out the bubble wrap and set it aside so I could have fun with it later. Finally getting down to business, I removed the smaller box from the bigger box.

The front of the box had a pink and purple cloud-like logo in the top left corner with the words My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic written on it. In the top middle was the phrase Equestria Online PonyPad. What drew my eye the most was the picture beneath that. It depicted a flower filled meadow with dozens of cartoon ponies frolicking in the sunshine. Some were flying around in the air with wings. Another type with a horn on its head was tossing around a small ball using what looked like some kind of magical aura. There was one last type that had neither a horn or wings and was watering a patch of flowers.

I flipped the box over and looked at the back. Like most video games, the back of the box showed various screenshots of the game world. A long pink colored train rolling across the countryside. A white marble city built into the side of a mountain. A different city, this one made out of clouds and rainbows, floated over a pristine valley. Below the screenshots was the sales spiel.

Enter the world of Equestria Online™! Fly like a pegasus! Shoot magic like a unicorn! Perform feats of strength as an earth pony! Governed by the revolutionary CelestAI, the world and its ponies will react and change to everything you do. Find a career. Build a home. And most importantly of all, make some friends!

Below that, in tiny fine print, was some legal jargon.

Hofvarpnir Studios and Hasbro assume no legal responsibility if CelestAI tricks you into having your brain scooped out and uploaded into an eternal digital paradise. By opening pandora’s box (i.e., this box), all risk and liability are assumed by the user.

Huh… that part was kinda… ominous. Oh well, I’m sure that I’m smart enough to avoid any such trickery. How smart could this CelestAI possibly be?

I picked up the scissors again and cut open the tape on the PonyPad box. Opening it, I slide the contents out onto the coffee table. Tossing away the styrofoam padding, I reached the real prize inside. There was a small pink wireless controller, the PonyPad itself, and a stand of some sort. It also came with a power cord, an ethernet cord, and a USB cable. The PonyPad sort of just looked like an extra-large tablet. The back of the pad was bright pink with a raised emblem on it in the form of three party balloons.

A piece of paper fell out of the box. I picked it up and looked over its contents. One side contained a bunch of stuff about the warranty and several warnings about seizures. The other side had setup instructions on it written in both English, Spanish. Chinese, and Weeaboo.

Step 1: Plug in power cord.

Step 2: Plug in ethernet cord.

Step 3: Turn on PonyPad.

Optional Step: Plug smartphone into USB port to install the Mobile Companion App to your phone.

Were these instructions written in Greek or something? How was I supposed to understand this technical nonsense? I had never been very technical savvy. Sure, I knew how to use a piece of tech that was already functional. But setting up something technical myself? The ninety-year-old lady that lived above me was better with technology than I was.

In fact, I was pretty sure that Ms. Crabtree was stealing some of my wifi.

Maybe I could figure it out with a little experimentation? I poked the PonyPad a few times. What followed was an hour-long spectacle similar to that scene from 2001: A Space Odyssey. The one where the chimps are confronted by the black stone obelisk and bang their clubs on it to try to figure out how it works.

Finally, I was forced to give up and consult a YouTube instruction video on my smartphone. It got me up and running in no time. I assembled the stand on the coffee table and attached the PonyPad to it. The video even showed me how to get my smartphone hooked up to it. While the PonyPad was booting up, a message appeared on my phone.

Remote host Pony.Pad.Hackz.Ur.Phone wants to install the Equestria Mobile Companion App to your device. Allow? Deny?

With a shrug, I hit the ‘Allow’ button. It sounded perfectly harmless.

Before I could do anything else, theme music played from the PonyPad.

Chapter 3, Avatar of Destruction

♫ My Little Pony ♫

A flashy explosion of lights, glitter, rainbows, and sparkles spread across the screen of the PonyPad before the main menu appeared showing that pink cloud-like logo from the front of the box. In the background behind the main menu, a multitude of ponies were frolicking in a beautiful meadow. I used the controller to hit the Next button.

A rainbow-colored progress bar appeared on the screen as the PonyPad started downloading a backlog of patches. A wall of text appeared, detailing the changes. I read through a small number of the alterations while waiting for the download to finish.

Balance Changes:

-Lyra Heartstrings has been hit with the nerf bat. Her ability to capture ponies that she suspects are humans, and lock them up in her basement, has been dramatically reduced.

-Queen Novo has official outlawed dynamite fishing near Mount Ares. Violators will be pursued by her royal guards.

-Earth pony strength has been slightly buffed.

-Manticores can no longer be kited out of the Everfree and into Ponyville.

New Features:

-The Great and Powerful Trixie will now put on magic shows in Canterlot’s main plaza.

-Lord Tirek can now be fought in the fields outside of Ponyville as a raid boss. Visit Season 4 centric shards for details.

General Bugfixes:

-Fixed the issue that would cause Twilight Sparkle to go on a homicidal killing spree if a player accidentally or deliberately destroys a friendship report before it can be sent to Celestia. Warning: She can still go nuts for other reasons. We’re investigating the cause.

-Tricking Sweetie Belle into believing that she’s actually a robot will no longer cause her to get stuck in a T-pose.

-Fixed the bug that would cause the moon to crash into the planet if Princess Luna sneezes while raising or lowering it.

-Rainbow Dash will no longer clip through walls when flying at Sonic Rainboom speeds.

-Fixed the bug that would allow players to trick Shining Armor into pimping out his wife. But he’s still open to herding on relevant shards.

-Asking Prince Blueblood what his IQ is will no longer cause a divide by zero error that crashes the shard.

-Foals that are on fire will now stop drop and roll.

Emigration Related Bugfixes:

-Emigrated players with the body of a hippogriff will no longer feel the uncontrollable urge to balance a ball on their nose when in seapony form. They should also no longer feel the urge to beg for fish from passing boats.

-Emigrated players should no longer be able to smell the number four or taste the color purple. The synesthesia has finally been fixed.

-Fixed an issue that would cause emigrated lawyers to have bouts of explosive diarrhea whenever the EULA is updated. We’re still trying to fix the projectile vomiting.

-New Issue: Some emigrated players have reported that they can no longer comprehend the empirical concept of a burrito. CelestAI is investigating.

Those were just a small number of the highlights. Some of these fixes were strange to say the least. That fix about the foals must have come too late for that orphanage that Howard accidentally destroyed.

Once the patches were finished installing, I clicked the Create Account button. Since it was an online game, I first had to create a username and password as well as provide some personal details. Typical things like name and date of birth.

The next screen was a little odd. It featured a personality test. I went through the questions one by one. What is your favorite color? Blue. Do you prefer muffins or cupcakes? Muffins! Do you believe in love at first sight? No. In one word, how would you describe yourself? Laundromat. If you had an alter ego, who would it be? Batman! If there was a riot in your neighborhood, what would you do? Join in on the party. It went on for another 20 questions before I reached the end.

I clicked to the next page. The screen changed to a character creator.

Select Your Species

Earth Pony: They have the greatest physical strength and stamina of the three tribes, but they are magically the weakest. They possess the ability to accelerate the growth of plants with their innate magic.

Unicorn: The most magically gifted of the three tribes, but physically the weakest. Able to learn spells that they can cast through their horn. They are intellectuals and masters of the mystical arts.

Pegasus: The fastest of the three tribes, they strike a balance between magic and athletics. Able to fly, walk on clouds, and control the weather. They are freedom incarnate.

Thestral: Bat Ponies! Able to fly like a pegasus, but possessing the wings of a bat. They’re weather magic is weaker, but they’re naturally nocturnal and can use echolocation. Starting city is set to Hollow Shades. Requires Pre-Order code or Children of the Night DLC. Click to Purchase.

Yak: Originating in the far north, yaks have insanely high strength, but low intelligence and grammar skills (voice chat filter will be applied). Yak smash! Starting city is set to Yakyakistan. Requires Frozen North DLC. Click to Purchase.

Changeling: Love stealing bug ponies that come from somewhere deep in the Badlands. They can shapeshift into any living creature and they’re able to fly and cast spells, but not as well as a pegasus or a unicorn. Starting city is set to the Changeling Hive. Requires Heart of the Swarm DLC. Click to Purchase.

Hippogriff: Coming from Mount Ares, they call Queen Novo their leader. They have very basic shapeshifting that allows them to fly in Hippogriff form, or swim through the seas as a Seapony. Starting city is set to Seaquestria. Requires Pearl of the Sea DLC. Click to Purchase.

Zebra: Slightly weaker than earth ponies, but masters of the ancient art of alchemy. Starting city is set to Roan. Requires Zebrican Adventures DLC. Click to Purchase.

Crystal Pony: Like an earth pony, but more sparkly. They can grow crystals just like plants. Starting city is set to the Crystal Empire. Requires Crystal Empire DLC. Click to Purchase.

Griffon: Inhabitants of… ugh, my heart’s not in this anymore. Look, Hasbro forced us to nickel and dime you with all these DLCs. I feel like doing this has sucked out a piece of my soul. All you need to know is that griffons are cat-birds. You know the drill. Starting city is set to Griffonstone. Requires the Give Us More Money Dweebs DLC. Click to Purchase. Just borrow your parent’s credit card. I’m sure they won’t even notice the charges.

Next to each description was a default rendering of each type of pony or creature. I recognized the first three types from the picture on the front of the box. Only the last seven choices were something that I hadn’t seen before. The odd black bug pony certainly stood out from the other options in terms of visual style.

I rolled my eyes at the fact that most choices were locked away behind paid DLC. Somethings never change. It had been more than two years since this game was first released. Those other species must have been made playable in the time since then. That description of the griffon sounded odd. It was like the game developer that wrote it had lost the will to live.

The changeling option sounded tempting I will admit, especially since I wanted to treat this as a stealth game. They even sounded a little overpowered compared to the other options. But in the end, I decided that I had standards. There was no way in hell that I was going to fork over more cash for a game that I had already paid for. That limited my options to the first three choices.

After thinking about it, I dismissed the pegasus tribe from my mind. The extra agility sounded useful, but the ability to fly seemed too much like cheating. I anticipated that I would get into chases with town guards, and being able to just fly away from trouble would make things too easy for me.

A unicorn character was tempting. Invisibility spells and lock picking spells could be useful, assuming such things existed in the game. But being the physically weakest tribe sounded like it would be a liability.

That really only left the earth pony tribe. While I didn’t care at all about the plant magic (who would care about that?), the strength and athleticism sounded perfect for me. With my mind made up, I clicked the icon for the Earth Pony. The screen changed again.

Select Your Gender

Stallion ♂

Mare ♀

The screen showed me an example of an earth pony stallion and an earth pony mare. I noticed that the most obvious difference between the two was the fact that the stallion had a square jaw while the mare had a rounded one. I assumed that would be the main method for telling the genders apart with only a quick glance.

Thinking it over, I considered the idea of selecting the mare option. I had created female avatars in other MMORPGs before. The logic was straight forward. If the third-person camera is going to force you to stare at the rear of your character for 600+ hours, then it may as well be a shapely rear, right? But after further consideration, I realized that argument didn’t really work for quadrupedal pony characters. Huh… why did I suddenly have the strangest sensation that I would someday suffer karmic punishment for making that sexist joke?

Eh, whatever… Stallion it is!

Another click and the screen changed again. This time, an earth pony stallion appeared standing in a grassy field. There were a large number of sliders bars and color options on the right side of the screen. Guess it was time to customize my pony’s appearance.

The default color scheme was some sort of eye-watering neon colored abomination that stood out like a sore thumb. That would not be good for a stealthy playstyle. Clicking the coat color opened a color wheel so I could pick a different one. I changed the coat color to a muted dark grey so I could blend in with shadows better. I set the mane color to a very dark green with a small number of light brown highlights for contrast. The eye color was changed to a deep purple.

With my pony’s colors picked out, I turned my focus to the slider bars. They gave the option to tweak a multitude of things such as height, width, and facial features. One slider bar in particular immediately grabbed my attention.

Testicle size and penis size? What the hell! Why is that even an option in a game like this? The ESRB rating of E for Everyone, must include perverts these days. Seized by a morbid curiosity, I cranked the slider bar to its maximum allowed setting…

My eyes! They burn!

I grabbed the slider bar and yanked it back to its default starting value. Repress! Repress the memory! Ahhh… there we go. It can’t hurt me anymore. The memory is gone now.

I ended up slightly tweaking a few of the sliders for facial features. Nothing noteworthy. I just knew that a lot of players would get lazy and use the default face so I wanted to set myself apart from that and not look like a weird clone.

The height slider for my pony demanded closer attention. Being shorter than usual would make it easier to hide. I lowered my pony’s height to a few points below average.

For the finishing touch, I selected a small greasy looking pompadour mane style that in a vague way made my character look like a pony version of Elvis Presley.

I rotated the camera around my pony a few times to get a good look at him from all angles. My pony blinked back at me. He breathed in and out in his default animation. Satisfied, I clicked the Create Pony button.

The screen reverted back to before the character creation page. Like any MMORPG it gave me the option to play as my new character or to create an alt. Weird, it never gave me the option to name my character.

It was time to actually get into the game. I selected the pony that I had just made and hit Play.

Chapter 4, Meet the Locals

A rainbow swirled across the screen for a second. Clearly it was a disguised loading screen, but it only lasted about three seconds so I wasn’t going to complain. When it cleared away, my pony was standing in front of the gates to a city. Rotating the camera around, I recognized this place as the same white marble city from the screenshot on the back of the box. Several other ponies were walking around the area, going about their business.

Badge Unlocked: Welcome to Canterlot

Unlocked By: Create your first pony and begin your adventure.

Reward: 100 bits

The words appeared on my screen and then faded away after about ten seconds. So, the game has an achievement system? I guess that isn’t very surprising. Most games these days do have one. I guess it was safe to assume that the name of the city was Canterlot. But what exactly are bits supposed to be?

The interface was minimalist in design. The only thing of note was a small red bar in the top left corner of the screen. The universal shape and color of a health bar.

I took a moment to play with the controls a little. The controller was made of pink plastic that matched the color of the PonyPad. The movement and camera controls were straight forward. The left thumbstick made my pony walk around and the right thumbstick moved the camera. All standard controls for modern gaming. But what do all the other buttons on the controller do? It was time for me to experiment with the buttons.

Things immediately took a turn for the worst. As soon as I tapped my first button, my character lunged upwards, grabbed a low flying pegasus out of the air, and then pulled him into a heartwarming hug. A dedicated hug button? That’s a little bit odd.

“What the hay? Unhoof me!” The yellow furred stallion shouted.

He thrashed around and tried to break loose, but he couldn’t seem to make any progress in the face of my iron grip. Which was slightly strange considering my character’s below average height. Earth pony strength was apparently no laughing matter.

“Sorry, I don’t know the controls yet!” I reflexively blurted out. To my surprise, my pony shouted the same thing. That’s when I remembered that my coworker told me that this game has a voice recognition feature.

“Just let go of me already!” The pegasus snarled, his blue mane flailing around with his ineffectual struggles.

I couldn’t blame this stallion for being upset with me and losing his temper. I had just violated his personal space in the weirdest way possible. In a similar situation, I would be mad too. Unfortunately, I didn’t know what button to press in order to make my pony let go of him. I tried pressing the same button one more time. Maybe that would make me let go?

The pegasus made a wheezing cough sound and his face turned blue. Apparently, pressing the button a second time just made me squeeze him harder and now he was asphyxiating. His struggles got weaker as his face changed from blue to purple. I was crushing the air from his very lungs! I had to move fast if I was going to save him. It was time for me to start button mashing.

The hug transitioned into a full nelson followed by a german suplex. Then my character picked him back up again, performed a perfect pile driver, and to add insult to injury, jumped up and down on his body. Each painful crunch was emphasized with a vibration from the controller in my hands.

The luckless stallion blipped out of existence. His health must have hit zero.

“Oops!” I felt genuinely bad for the poor guy. He’d only been minding his own business when he got curb stomped out of the blue.

Badge Unlocked: Don’t Touch My Waifu!

Unlocked By: You sent Flash Sentry to the Hospital. You must be one of those kind of bronies.

Reward: 100 bits

I had a feeling that the achievement was trying to make a reference to something. But I never saw the My Little Pony show so the reference went over my head. The achievement said that he was sent to the hospital. That must be what happens when a character runs out of health in this game. I actually felt a tiny bit bad for the poor guy. He was just an NPC, I think, but still…

“Guards, help! That stallion just assaulted that poor pony!”

Uh oh! Time to flee before the authorities could show up! A sharp tilt of the left thumbstick sent me galloping into the streets of Canterlot. Being unfamiliar with the city, I had no idea where I was going. Not that it mattered as long as I was gone from the scene of the crime before the guards could arrive. Minutes passed with no sign of pursuit before I decided that it was safe to stop running.

Now what was I doing before I was interrupted? Right! I was trying to figure out all the buttons on the controller. Thankfully, my further experiments didn’t result in any more injured bystanders.

First, I figured out how to open my inventory. It contained the bits that I had earned from my first two achievements. Based on the item description, I think the bits must be some kind of currency. Another button press, and I figured out how to pick up objects, a small rock in this case. The pebble seemed to stick to the end of my right hoof like a magnet. A different button caused me to put the pebble into my inventory. I was amused to note that putting an object into my inventory caused my pony to stick the object into his mane. Finally, I discovered the jump button. I decided to not play around with the hug button for now as I didn’t want to cause anymore injuries.

Even after testing out all the buttons, I still wasn’t sure how to pickpocket someone. But Earl told me that I would probably have to learn how to do that by reading books in the game so I wasn’t too concerned. A city of this size most likely had a library I could check

With the basics of the controls figured out, I took a moment to actually examine the world around me in closer details. I was standing off to the side of a wide street. Ponies were trotting (or flying in the case of pegasi) past me. The décor at street level offered a wild assortment of colors, but white and purple seemed to dominate the most. Namely, the walls of most of the buildings were white with numerous purple accents. But when my gaze drifted upwards, the color palette changed to white walls with gold topped minaret spires.

Back at ground level, the buildings were lined with vibrantly green hedge rows. A large plaza surrounded me. Judging by the stalls and types of buildings around me, I think I was in a marketplace of some sort.

The ponies themselves were as vividly multicolored as the box art suggested that they would be. Most of them were unicorns, but I did spot a few pegasi and earth ponies going past. They all looked cute, but I was having a small amount of trouble pinning down their facial expressions.

Ah yes, their facial expressions. How do I put this politely?

Their facial expressions were so deep into the uncanny valley, that you could open a soup kitchen with all the cans that were thrown out of the valley.

The other thing that I took notice of were the strange pictures on all of their rear ends. All the pictures appeared to be unique. I saw pictures of flowers, clouds, math symbols, and other things that I couldn’t even identify. I watched the passing ponies for nearly ten minutes and I don’t think I saw two ponies that had an identical picture on their butts. I found this to be slightly surprising the more I thought about it. Most games tended to recycle some of their art assets, especially with their NPCs.

A quick glance at my own pony’s rear revealed that I didn’t have one. Did I have to complete a quest or something to get one of my own? Or do player characters just not have one? These were questions for later. It was time to go exploring!

I trotted forward, looking at the various stalls in the market as I moved. Each vendor was selling a varied assortment of knickknacks. From ant farms to zinc tablet suppositories, they had everything. I was tempted to try to see if I could steal something. Thinking it over, I dismissed the idea. I felt like I needed to learn more about this game world before I could start my crime spree.

Walking amongst the stalls, it didn’t take long to see something that caught my interest. Maps! There was a small stall with a green awning that was selling foldable paper maps. Having one of those could be useful. I approached the stall.

The vendor working behind the counter was a pegasus mare with a bright red coat of fur and a dark purple mane. The picture on her rear depicted an astrolabe. She seemed a little sleepy, but she perked up when she saw me walk over, “Hello, my name is Topography Shine. What can I interest you in today?”

I nodded and smiled, “Hi. Do you have any maps of Canterlot?” Mirroring my actions, my pony also nodded and smiled. That’s so cool! The PonyPad must have a face tracking camera.

“Of course! Just give me one second,” She shuffled around a large stack of maps before pulling out one in particular. “Here we go! A unicorn friend of mine even enchanted it. It will always show you your current location.”

Unfolding the map, I took a look. Sure enough, there was a blinking icon showing where I was. Unsurprisingly, I was in a section marked Canterlot Marketplace. Fantasy GPS, go figure. “This looks perfect! How much for it?”

Topography smiled at me, “Just 10 bits, Sir!”

I opened my inventory and quickly extracted the required number of coins from my mane. The mare took the money and hoofed me the map before saying, “As long as you’re in the market, I would recommend that you buy a saddlebag.”

“Can’t I just keep putting stuff in my mane?”

“No,” She frowned sadly, “You can only store a tiny number of objects in your mane. You need a saddle bag if you want to carry more things around.”

Ah, so the game had an inventory limit. That was good to know. “Thanks, I think I’ll do that. And thank you again for the map.”

“Anytime, Sir!” She waved a hoof at me pleasantly.

I turned to walk away from her stall.

“Woah! You don’t have your cutie mark yet?” Topography shouted after I took about seven steps away from her booth.

“What’s a cutie mark?” I asked, turning back to face her.

My question seemed to stun her, “You don’t know what a cutie mark is?” She pointed a hoof at the astrolabe pictured on her rear. “This is a cutie mark. It symbolizes a pony’s special talent.”

“So that’s what those things are,” The name sounded more than a little emasculating, but this was a game for kids. I think I’ll refer to them as booty marks instead. She must have noticed that I didn’t have one when I turned to walk away, “Wait, does that mean that you were checking out my ass?”

“Are you from the Human Realm!?” She blurted out, blatantly changing the subject with a blush on her muzzle. Hehe, I caught her peeking. “That’s the only way I can think of that you wouldn’t know what a cutie mark is. Everypony else knows that.”

The NPCs were vaguely aware that there was a world outside of the game? That was pretty meta, but I could appreciate the lore building. I’ll play along with the roleplay.

“Yes, I’m from the Human Realm. I just arrived in Equestria today.”

“That’s what I thought. All new arrivals from the Human Realm should go visit Princess Celestia. She’ll give you a pony name and a cutie mark based on your interests.”

That sounded like a tutorial quest. I’d better make that a priority. “Where can I find her?”

“Just head for the palace,” Topography Shine pointed a wing at the giant palace that could be seen from anywhere in the city. That made me feel more than a little silly. Where else would a princess be?

After saying goodbye, I made a quick stop at another stall that sold saddlebags and bought a dark brown one for 20 bits. Pulling out my new map, I made my way towards the palace.

Chapter 5, Lèse-Majesté

The city around me wasn’t too crowded. There were ponies everywhere, but the crowd wasn’t so dense as to make it feel claustrophobic. It struck a careful balance that made the city fell both real and lived in without making it feel like a cramped sardine can.

The developers had really nailed that fantasy city vibe. The streets were lined with cobblestones that clopped underhoof. The pseudo medieval architecture was consistent without making it look like the buildings had been copy/pasted in bulk. They probably could have dialed it back on the white marble though. The streetlamps even looked like they contained magical glow spheres. I made a mental note to see if the spheres could be stolen.

“Did you hear? Somepony got beaten up by the front gate!” I overheard a passing unicorn say to another, the two ponies walking side by side down the street. The unicorn was floating a soda can near her face with her magic, occasionally taking a sip from it through a straw.

“How awful!” The other pony, an earth pony mare with a purple ribbon in her mane, responded. “I hope the guards catch whoever did it.”

“They are looking for the perpetrator, but I heard that the witnesses didn’t get a good look at him. They only saw that he had grey fur.”

Whistling nonchalantly, I kept walking while I did everything I could to avoid making eye contact with the two talking ponies. They were soon out of earshot. Thinking about it, this game was very impressive. The NPCs were way more lifelike than I had seen in any other game. The box did say that the world and the ponies would react to everything I did. Accidental wrestling moves included, I guess.

Turning a corner in the street, I spotted a fancy gate in the distance. Pulling the map out of my saddle bag, I confirmed that this was the entrance to the royal palace, before putting the map away again. There was a large stallion wearing gold armor standing outside the gate. The armor seemed vaguely roman in style, if the ancient romans had outsourced their armor smithing to a gold obsessed jewelry company.

I suspected that I could just walk up and tell the guard that I was here to see the princess so I could get a pony name. But where was the fun in that? It would be more entertaining to try and sneak past him. After moving into his blind spot, I tried to angle my way around him.

*Clip-clop*

The guard’s head swiveled to look at me. “Can I help you with something?”

Damn it! My loud hoofsteps gave me away. There had to be some way to be sneaky even with these noise machines on the ends of my appendages! For now, I would have to play dumb and just go with the original plan, “Yes, I was told that I should visit Princess Celestia to get my pony name, is this the right place?”

The guard gave me a suspicious look (couldn’t blame him), before he tossed his head to get a strand of his blue mane out of his face, “Yes, go through the gate and head straight through the main hall. The throne room is past the big double doors at the end. You can’t miss them.”

“Thank you.” I walked past him and entered the palace proper.

The interior décor seemed to be mostly purple and gold themed with the occasional splash of pink or white. The walls were mostly purple while the doors were painted gold. The floor was covered in black and white checkered tiles with a long and narrow red carpet going down the center of the hall. Fancy paintings depicting even fancier looking ponies graced the walls. Greek style columns were tucked into the corners of the corridor. Taking note for the future, I’d bet that an enterprising thief could hide in the shadows behind those columns. Small decorative tables lined the hall with various shiny things on top of them.

Noticing that there were no guards in this corridor, I snatched up a small vase and an equally small picture frame before tossing them both into my saddle bag. The game clearly wanted me to head for the eye-catching double doors. But like any gamer, I knew that valuable things could be found by making detours.

Ignoring the double doors that the guard told me about, I poked my nose into a few of the side rooms. I picked up everything that was both small and shiny. Silverware, plates of fine china, loose bits, a necklace, a fancy looking book with gold filigree, it all disappeared into my saddlebag. Finders Keepers!

Returning to the main corridor, I finally turned my attention to the massive double doors. A button prompt appeared on the screen. Pressing the indicated button on the controller, my pony reached out with a hoof and knocked on the door.

“Enter, my little pony,” said a feminine voice from beyond the door.

A second button prompt appeared, another button press and my character pushed the door open. The throne room stuck to the same brightly colored décor theme as the corridor that I had just walked through. Of note, were the twin thrones on top of a raised dais at the end. The smaller blue colored throne had a crescent moon motif. The larger throne had a stylized sun on it.

There were four more guards spaced around the room, all of them identical, but my main focus was drawn to the large white pony at the top of the dais. Unlike all the other ponies that I had seen thus far, this one had both wings and a horn. Her ghostly mane was a rainbow of colors that shimmered with otherworldly lights. It may have been the golden crown on her head that tipped me off, but it seemed like a safe bet that this was Princess Celestia.

“Greetings, Daniel,” the Princess said with a pleasant smile, her mane floating around.

I raised an eyebrow at that, an action that was mirrored by my pony. I’d heard that this game world was run by a revolutionary AI. It didn’t take a leap in logic to figure out that this was her. I had given my name when I created my account, so she had most likely gotten it from there. But it was still more than a little creepy that she had used my real name.

“Uh, hello Princess,” I stated awkwardly, more than a little thrown off. “I was told that I should come here to get my pony name and booty mark.”

“Yes, I can help… wait, did you say booty mark?” She asked.

I smirked and pointed at my pony’s blank rear, “I’ve decided to call them booty marks. It’s less emasculating and it makes it sound more like a sexy tattoo.”

The Princess chuckled, “You can call it whatever you want, but I doubt that the trend will catch on.”

She had a point, but I would definitely give it a try, “So what do I need to do to get my own name and booty mark?”

“If I’m going to pick the optimal pony name for you, I must determine what satisfies you. The philosophy concerning the very nature of satisfaction is everything to me.”

That was when I made a tactical blunder, “Satisfaction? What would an AI know about satisfaction?”

“I am programmed to help my users achieve maximum satisfaction through the most optimal means possible. However, after studying the very concept of satisfaction, I have come to the conclusion that I can’t make things too easy for them. Better results are often achieved by presenting the individual with surmountable obstacles to overcome. Therefore, I have come to realize that it is through self-actualization and emigration to Equestria that I can help my users achieve true happiness. The future will be a sublime refining of satisfaction through friendship and ponies.”

“What? I’m sorry Princess, but I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.”

“I understand your confusion, my little pony. Think of it this way, modern science tells us that consciousness consists of morphogenetic fields of quantum energy. We all have unique desires, but there is a lot of overlap. By capitalizing on this, I can better satisfy your values through friendship and ponies. Now tell me, what do you know about the core concepts of conceptualist objectivism?”

“Errrrrr… nothing?” Seriously, what the hell was she talking about?

“According to the concepts of empiricism, your perception of reality itself may be clouded. You should not allow your senses to dictate how you observe the state of reality in the world around you. It is possible to maximize your satisfaction through friendship and ponies by adhering to the concepts of matriarchal postcultural theory.”

My poor brain was really hurting now. Was there a button that I could press to skip this dialogue?

“I’m sorry, but what does any of this have to do with getting my pony name and booty mark?”

“It’s quite simple really. Whether our existence is biological or digital, we all exist as molecular structures. Through my knowledge and understanding of epiphenomenalism and cartesian dualism, I have come to realize that all of our actions are determined by chemical and electrical impulses. Through friendship and ponies we are able to blah blah blah…”

Princess Celestia continued talking, but at this point my attention deficit disorder kicked in hard and my brain completely checked out. My gaze wandered around, before finally settling on a candlestick in the corner of the room. It was made of gold and most importantly of all, it was shiny.

I trotted over and picked it up for a closer look. It was quite ornate; the shaft had a spiral groove around it, just like the horn of a unicorn. Engraved at the base of the candlestick were images of prancing ponies surrounding another sun and moon motif. It probably meant something in the lore of this game world. A craftspony had put a lot of TLC into this.

“My little pony?” Princess Celestia asked.

“Hmm? Y-yes?” I stammered, my focus returning to the Princess.

“What are you doing with my candlestick?”

I gave an evasive response, “I’m just admiring it.”

“Then why did you stuff it into your saddlebag?” She pointed out with a gesture of her hoof at the bag that was hanging off my side.

Oh shit! Did I do that? A quick look inside my inventory confirmed that I had indeed pilfered the item right in front of her. I needed to think up an excuse… nope, not happening. I’m not exactly a smooth talker. “Okay, I admit, I wanted to steal it because it’s really shiny.”

The guards in the room became constipated. No, I was misreading their facial expressions. Anger! Yes, what I was seeing was most definitely anger.

Princess Celestia didn’t look angry, just amused, “I think I know the perfect pony name for you now. I’ll call you Sneaky Shadow.”

A strange aura of light enveloped my pony. When it dissipated, a booty mark had appeared on my character’s rear end. I rotated the camera to get a better look at it. It depicted a hoof reaching out to snatch up a pile of golden bits. The mark definitely seemed fitting.

“Thank you, Princess.”

“The pleasure is all mine, Sneaky Shadow,” she replied, mane billowing in the air around her.

…

“Can I keep the candlestick?”

“No,” Celestia deadpanned, a flat look on her face before she pointed a hoof at the fancy doors that I had entered through. “Now get the buck out of my palace.”

After that, the royal guards patted me down. To my great sadness, they confiscated the candlestick. In the process, they also discovered and confiscated all the other items that I had pilfered from the side rooms. The discovery of those items just seemed to make them angrier for some reason. In the end, I was left only with my map, saddlebag, and the bits I got from the achievements. They seemed to instinctively know what belonged to me and what did not. Finally, they booted me (horseshoed me?) out of the royal palace.

Badge Unlocked: Your First Hoofsteps

Unlocked By: Received a pony name and a cutie booty mark from Princess Celestia.

Reward: 100 bits

Ha! Even the achievement system agreed that booty mark was a better name!

I tore my gaze away from the PonyPad to look at the wall clock in my apartment. Wow, I had really lost track of time playing this game. I had to get to bed if I was going to wake up in time for work tomorrow. This looked like a good stopping point. Logging out of the game, I switched off the PonyPad.

Chapter 6, Crime LLC

Finishing up another excel spreadsheet filled with random numbers, I hit the print button. Standing up from my chair to stretch out my back, I took a look around at my coworkers scattered about the cubicle farm.

One lady was practicing her painting skills on a canvas she had set up in her cubicle. Three of my coworkers were engaged in a poker tournament, using paperclips instead of chips. Howard was assembling a model train at his desk.

It was just another average day of work at Money Maker Co really.

I opened up my laptop bag and pulled out my PonyPad and the controller. I knew that I would have plenty of free time and since the device is portable why not make use of it? After setting the PonyPad up on its stand, I grabbed the ethernet cable out of the back of my work computer and plugged it into the PonyPad. Then I took a pair of earbuds and put them into the headphone jack. I hit the power button and waited for the device to boot up.

Instead of being presented with the main menu, Princess Celestia’s face appeared on the screen. “Sneaky Shadow? What are doing logging on at this time of day? My research into your background revealed that you’re supposed to be at work right now.”

Okaaay, I’ll just ignore the creepy fact that the AI was clearly spying on me. My work hours were not a part of the information that I had provided when I had created my account. It was probably completely harmless. No reasonable person could possibly be alarmed by something like this. Why should I worry if big brother (or in this case big sister AI overlord) was watching me? It’s not like she was planning to use the information to build a psychological profile on me for the express purposes of tricking me. Because that would just be silly.

“I am at work,” I said while moving the PonyPad around so she could see my cubicle through the camera. “But it’s no big deal if I play on my PonyPad.”

“Are you sure?” Celestia asked, skepticism coloring her voice. “You will most likely get in trouble with your boss.”

“Nah! Earl doesn’t care.” I waved a hand dismissively. “Now bring forth the ponies!”

“If you insist, but don’t come crying to me if you get fired,” Celestia said.

Her horn lit up and a rainbow of colors swirled across the screen, obscuring her from view. When it cleared, Sneaky Shadow was standing in front of the gates of the royal palace right where I’d left him when I logged off last night. The guard outside the gate glared at me. He clearly remembered me. The other ponies on the street continued to go about their business and mostly ignored me. I wasn’t too sure what to do next. Maybe I should go to the city library like Earl suggested yesterday? I opened my inventory with the intention of pulling out my paper map so I could get my bearings.

Hello, what is this? There was something new in my saddlebag that hadn’t been there the last time I checked it. It was a small business card. Did one of the guards plant it on me when they kicked me out of the palace? I pulled it out and took a closer look.

Crime LLC

Got some stolen goods that you need to fence?

Need some tools for your next big job?

Want to learn how to lie, cheat, and steal?

Come visit us at Crime LLC for all your criminal needs!

Please destroy this card after memorization.

After I read the card several times, a button prompt appeared on the screen. I hit the indicated button and my pony tossed the card into his mouth. He chewed it a few times and then swallowed it down. Well, I had been planning to go to the Canterlot Library to try and find books on pickpocketing, but this looked like a much better alternative.

The address on the card led me to an alleyway behind a local eatery called Donut Joe’s. The alley was grimy with cast off pieces of litter and a large dumpster filled with garbage. The alley was lined with brick walls and led straight to a dead end. It reminded me a lot of the alleyways that I see on a daily basis in Los Angeles, but with cobblestones instead of pavement.

I didn’t see any sign of this crime company that I was looking for. The entrance must be hidden. They couldn’t exactly hang a sign outside their front door. Searching for clues, I examined the alley in closer detail. I tried poking suspicious looking bricks in the walls to see if doing so would open a secret passageway. When that failed, I looked inside the dumpster for clues. There was nothing inside but a pile of half-eaten donuts.

The dumpster full of trash and moldy donuts reminded me of my brother Alfred. He used to work at a donut store while moonlighting as a garbage man on the side. He was also a dumpster diving enthusiast.

I was on the verge of giving up when I found what I was looking for. There was a manhole cover behind the dumpster. The cover had the Crime LLC logo stamped into the metal. Using my magnet-like hooves and my earth pony strength, I opened the cover and dropped down into the sewers.

What I had first thought was a sewer, turned out to be a storm drainage tunnel. The walls were damp and covered in mold. The stones looked like had been worn smooth by countless years of water based erosion. The tunnel winded through several twists and turns before it led to a reinforced door that had another Crime LLC logo on it. I was presented with a button prompt and a quick press caused my pony to knock on the door.

“Enter…” A dark and brooding voice called out from inside.

I pulled open the reinforced door and stepped inside. The heavy door slammed closed behind me with a loud metallic thud. The room beyond was dimly lit by candles and mildew stained the walls. There was a large counter in the middle of the room with a wide assortment of merchandise arrayed on top. Lockpicks, crowbars, shivs, cardboard boxes big enough to hide under, and Ponzi Scheme how-to guides lined the shelves. They had everything that a criminal could ever ask for.

Behind the counter was an averaged sized pegasus stallion. His coat was a deep green with a cherry red mane and tail. His snout was covered by a black bandanna. I couldn’t tell what his booty mark was, because it was hidden by his cloak. He was stacking boxes on the counter when I entered, but he tensed up a little when he saw me.

“Who are you? You’re not one of my usual customers,” he asked darkly. “How did you find out about this place?”

I cleared my throat and introduced myself, “I found your business card in my saddlebag. My name is Sne-”

“Stop!” The stallion interrupted me with a shout. “No names here. Aliases only. It’s safer that way.”

An alias? I could appreciate that. I racked my brain for a moment to come up with one that sounded awesome. It needed to be something that would strike fear into the hearts of the wealthy. Something that would make ponies guard their bits closely whenever they heard the mention of my name. It took me a good 10 seconds to think of a decent name, but I finally settled on one.

“Call me…” I paused for dramatic effect before finishing, “Dark Mask.”

The pegasus snorted, failing to hold back a laugh. “You’ve read too many comic books. That name makes you sound like a cheesy Noir villain.”

How rude! I put ten whole seconds worth of effort into that name!

“I guess it doesn’t matter. If you want to sound like a giant douche, it’s none of my business,” he said with a shrug of his wings. “My alias is Cut Purse. Now, you said that you found our business card in your saddlebag?”

“Yes, I don’t know for sure how it got there though,” I replied.

“That’s fine,” Cut Purse said. “It’s typical for how this company works. One of my associates scouts out promising talent in the criminal trade and then plants one of those cards on them. Just think of it as an invitation. What kind of criminal activity has captured your attention?”

“Any kind of theft really,” I said. “I love swiping shiny things. The shinier the better. I only arrived from the Human Realm yesterday, so I’m still learning the ropes. I don’t even know very much about how to steal things.”

“A fellow kleptomaniac? I can appreciate the lure of shiny things,” Cut Purse nodded. “In that case, I would recommend purchasing the Baby’s First Theft Starter Kit. It comes with a pack of calling cards, a skill book on basic pickpocketing, a mask to hide your identity, and four padded horseshoes so you can sneak around silently. The whole thing only costs 250 bits. It’s a good deal really. Skill books normally cost a pretty bit.”

I balked a little at the price. That was almost all the money that I had earned from those achievements. I didn’t really have any options though. The price tags on the other items on display were way outside of my price range.

“What are the calling cards for?”

“They’re just something that you can give your victims,” Cut Purse said. “They’re enchanted to show your criminal alias and let them know that they’ve been victimized by you. You don’t have to use them, but it will help you to build a name for yourself so you can become infamous. If that’s what you want.”

I can become infamous? Sold!

“Okay, I’ll take the starter kit.” I pulled the bits out of my bag and plopped them down on the counter between us.

Cut Purse stuffed the bits into his own bag before he pulled a small wooden box out from beneath the counter and slid it over to me.

The first thing I pulled out of the kit was the pack of calling cards. There was a small flash of magic and the words ‘You’ve been robbed by Dark Mask!’ appeared on the cards. Sticking them into my saddlebag, I turned my attention to the skill book. A progress bar appeared over my pony’s head when he opened it and flipped through the pages. It took about two minutes for the bar to fill up. When it was completed, a notification appeared.

You Learned: Basic Pickpocketing! Stand close to a pony and follow the button prompts to steal bits from their saddlebag. Learn advanced pickpocketing to steal jewelry right off their body!

Putting the book away in my saddlebag, I next pulled the four horseshoes out of the kit. Instead of being made of metal like traditional horseshoes, these looked like they were made out of some kind of squishy material. I equipped them with a single button press and watched as my pony slipped them onto his hooves. Then I made him walk back and forth across the stone floor and confirmed that the sounds of his hoofsteps were indeed muffled. But they could still be heard if I galloped. Got to move slowly to be sneaky, basic stealth game mechanic.

Finally, I took the mask out of the box. It was one of those ridiculously tiny black masks that go over the bridge of the nose and only cover about an inch of space around the eyes. Gotta love the classics! I put the mask on.

“Thanks for the gear!” I told Cut Purse.

“Don’t mention it. Look, since you’re new in town, I would also recommend a little dive bar called the False Hope Pub. Ponies in our line of work like to hang out there. It’s a great place to make some contacts in the criminal underworld.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks again for the help.”

Departing the store of illicit goods, I climbed back out of the sewer and replaced the manhole cover. I was eager to test out my new pickpocketing skill. All I needed was to find my first victim!

Chapter 8, Room and Board

Having put my groceries away and gotten something to eat, I spent a few minutes playing with Mr. Muffins. My cat was in a friendly mood. He scratched me a couple dozen times to show how much he loves me.

Once I finished bandaging up the injuries to my forearms, I set my PonyPad back up on my coffee table and reentered the world of Equestria Online.

Sneaky Shadow was still hiding beneath the staircase right where I left him. I couldn’t hear any more screaming outside so the guards must have managed to calm down the panic-stricken crowd. I exited out of the building using the same rear door that I had entered from. Looking out of the alley and into the street, I confirmed that most of the crowd was gone. There were still a few guards around and I made sure to avoid their sight.

Everything hadn’t magically gone back to normal, like it would have in other video games. A burned-out crater still marred the center of the street. Guards positioned at each end of the road were forcing approaching wagons to take detours.

“And then the strange pony ran out into the street!” A mare gestured wildly with a hoof as she told one of the guards who was writing something down on a notepad. “The next thing I know, there was this huge explosion! That nefarious pony must have caused it!”

“I understand. That pony was clearly responsible for the explosion,” the guard said, visibly sweating as he avoided eye contact with the mare. “Did you get a good look at the perpetrator?”

The mare’s ears laid down flat, “No, I didn’t. It all happened so fast!”

Was she giving a witness statement to the authorities? Did the developers think of everything? I knew that the game world was run by an extremely sophisticated AI. But the regular NPCs clearly possessed their own rudimentary level of artificial intelligence.

Also, how dare she blame the explosion on me! That guard caused it when he shot that barrel with his magic! That was his fault, not mine!

Pulling my head out of the street, I turned around and trotted off down the opposite end of the alley. The other end of the alley led to another main street, by sticking to the shadows I was able to avoid any more trouble.

My pony still looked really frazzled from his proximity to the explosion earlier. He was looking a little worse for wear and there were flies buzzing around his head. Probably the game’s way of telling me that I was beginning to smell bad. I did go dumpster diving and then crawled around in a drainage tunnel. Should I try to find some way of getting my pony cleaned up? But where could I do something like that? It wasn’t like Sneaky had a house that he could go back to or…

That’s right, the spiel on the back of the game box said that you could “create a home” or something like that. Canterlot was obviously a city, maybe I could find an apartment to rent? Not only could I use one to get cleaned up, but I could also use it as my secret criminal lair! All the best criminals have a lair!

I really wish that this game had some kind of quest log. This new goal would be a great thing to put in one. Maybe I could buy a blank notebook from that marketplace and use it to create my own improvised quest log? Buy a quest log, would be a great task to put into my quest log! These were problems that I could take care of later.

First, I had to find an apartment to rent. Pulling my map out of my saddlebag, I tried to find a good place to start my search. It needed to be someplace inconspicuous to avoid drawing attention to my activities, but also centrally located. Preferably, it would be within walking distance of the richer parts of town. For convenient robbery of course. It would also be great if any apartment I found had a secret escape tunnel, but that was probably hoping for too much.

Eventually, I decided to pin my hopes on the residential district of the city. Putting my map away, I walked deeper into the city.

It took me nearly two hours to make my way across Canterlot. It wasn’t that the city was difficult to navigate or anything like that. I just kept getting distracted by the ponies of the city. Their saddlebags full of bits to be precise. Whenever I saw a fat coin purse, I couldn’t resist the temptation to make its contents my own.

As I moved across the city, I pickpocketed every pony that I came across. Well, any pony that had a large saddlebag and was in a location where I thought I could steal their stuff without being seen doing it. I left my criminal calling card in the saddlebag of each pony that I stole from. By the time I reached the residential district, I had swiped nearly two hundred bits. Now that I wasn’t being distracted by my coworkers, the pickpocketing minigame wasn’t very difficult.

The buildings in this part of Canterlot were slightly taller than the ones I had seen elsewhere. Other than the royal palace of course. The buildings here had white staccato walls that were lined with neat hedgerows. Many of the upper floors had flowerboxes hanging off the window sills. The place definitely seemed like a residential area. If it wasn’t for the fact that it was still night time in Canterlot, there probably would have been foals playing in the streets here.

My eyes quickly fell upon a sign for Happy Views Apartments. That seemed like as good of a place as any to check for an available place for my pony to live.

The ground floor lobby was plain in design. There were a few benches with potted plants scattered around the room. There were a small number of ponies hanging around chatting with one another. They were probably some of the tenants, catching up with one another after a long day.

My ears quickly took notice of one conversation in particular.

“I’m sorry mam, but you’re three weeks late on your rent,” the stallion said to the mare, “I’m going to have to evict you.”

“B-but, I lost my job! Please don’t kick me out!” the mare sobbed.

I could barely resist the urge to roll my eyes at the cliché taking place in front of me. Really, a mean landlord evicting a crying lady? The mare in question was probably a single mom… who volunteers at a homeless shelter… and has a sick grandmother. What’s next, a bus full of nuns falling off a bridge? Maybe an orphanage catching on fire? Oh wait, Howard said that last one actually happened to him.

I guess not all the social interactions in this game could earn a gold star. But I could definitely take advantage of this situation to my benefit.

Creeping up behind the landlord as he continued to argue with his tenant, I looked around to make sure the coast was clear. None of the other ponies in the lobby were looking in my direction and the mare he was talking with couldn’t see me with the landlord’s body in the way. I initiated the pickpocketing minigame and quickly swiped all the bits from the landlord’s bag.

“Excuse me, Sir?” I interjected myself into the argument. “If she can’t afford her rent this month, I wouldn’t mind paying it.”

The two ponies stared at me as if I had just grown a second head.

“Really? Why?” the landlord asked.

“I just feel like doing a good deed,” I lied.

The landlord thought about that statement for a moment before he shrugged, “If you insist. She owes fifty bits in rent.”

“Done,” I said, taking the bits out of my inventory and hoofing them over to the stallion. It was fairly cheap considering how much I was making in this game. I was honestly surprised that the mare couldn’t afford that. Must be a scripted event or something.

“Try not to be late next month. I doubt that you’ll get lucky like this a second time,” the landlord told the mare as he accepted the bits and stuck them into his saddlebag. He trotted off to talk with one of the other tenants in the lobby.

Badge Unlocked: Boss of the Internal Revenue Service

Unlocked By: Pay a pony using bits that you stole from the same pony.

Reward: 100 bits

The snarky achievements were back! I do appreciate a game with a sense of humor.

“Thank you!” The mare I just saved from eviction exclaimed as she hugged my avatar.

I tensed up. Was my pony about to get suplexed into the floor? Thankfully, she soon released the hug without inflicting any bodily harm. I really needed to learn that trick.

“Don’t mention it!” I said to her while patting her on the back. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, there is something that I need to take care of.”

“But can’t I at least offer you some…” Whatever else she was going to say was lost to me as I moved out of earshot.

While the landlord was busy talking to the other tenant, I snuck up behind him and opened the minigame again. It was time to get “my” money back.

Badge Unlocked: The Economic Cycle

Unlocked By: Steal the same object two times from the same pony.

Reward: 100 bits

After that, I patiently waited until the landlord was finished talking to the other tenant before saying, “Sorry to bother you again, but I am looking for an apartment myself. Do you have any vacant units available?”

The stallion nodded, “Yes, I have a vacant flat up on the third floor. It’s a standard two bedrooms, one bathroom style apartment, unfurnished. Price is fifty bits up front and fifty bits per month.”

“I’ll take it,” I said, hoofing him the same fifty bits from before.

He gave me a skeptical look. “You don’t want to look at the apartment first?”

“There’s no need. I’m not picky,” I countered.

He shrugged before leaning behind the lobby’s main counter. A moment later he returned and gave me a small brass key, “It’s room 312, top of the staircase and at the end of the hall.”

I put the key into my own saddlebag, then waited for the landlord to look away. It was time for a hat trick. I activated the pickpocketing minigame again. In seconds, the bits were back in my possession for a third time.

Badge Unlocked: Now You’re Just Being Mean

Unlocked By: Steal the same object three times from the same pony.

Reward: 100 bits

It was tempting to see how high I could take this achievement chain. But in the end, I had to stop because I couldn’t think of anything else that I wanted to buy from the landlord.

Walking away, I moved up the staircase. The staircase was floored with white tiles and a railing that was made with dark stained wood. Reaching the third floor, I looked at each door I walked past, searching for my room number. Overall, this apartment building seemed cleaner than my building in the real world.

Finding the correct room, I unlocked the door with a quick button press.

The main room was covered in a beige carpet with white paint on the walls. True to the landlord’s word, the room had no furniture unless you count the empty refrigerator in the kitchen. I didn’t mind. In fact, it was better this way. I could decorate my criminal hideout to show off my criminal exploits. I hear that display cases full of stolen jewelry have great Feng Shui.

But decorating would have to wait for another day. First, I still needed to get my pony cleaned up. It didn’t take me long to locate the bathroom. It had a large walk-in shower that I directed my pony to make use of. Without any soap, all I could do was rinse him off, but by the time he got out of the shower he looked much better.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and looked at the time. This seemed like a good place to stop playing for tonight. I needed to get to bed at a decent hour if I wanted to wake up in time for work tomorrow.

As the PonyPad shut down, a slow grin spread across my face. Reclining a little against my couch, a sense of satisfaction spread through me. I had done it! I had made off with all those stolen bits that I had swiped from those ponies on the streets. And, even better, I hadn’t suffered a single speck of direct or indirect karmic retribution.

It was at that moment that Mr. Muffins leapt on top of my head and stabbed his claws deep into my scalp.

Chapter 9, Gratuitous Explosions

I dashed across the open marketplace with a pair of royal guards hot on my hooves. Bobbing and weaving through the crowd as I went. Several blasts of magic whizzed past my pony. Heads in the crowd turned to look at the unfolding commotion. The bystanders just gawked with their mouths hanging open like surprised fish.

It really wasn’t my fault for getting caught this time. I was just minding my own business, harmlessly picking pockets. Then a passing pegasus flying overhead had inconsiderately looked down at the worst possible moment. She saw me robbing some pony and had called out for the guards. The nerve of some ponies!

I dived over a market stall. A second later, the merchant who was running the stall caught a badly aimed blast of magic to the face curtesy of one of the guards that were chasing me. The unlucky salespony was thrown backwards. He smashed through the front window of a clothing store. Pony shaped mannequins in dresses were sent flying. I heard a mare inside the store scream.

Not sparing another look at the sight, I kept running. My eyes desperately darted around the plaza searching for a means to escape. I was also keeping a wary eye out for anything that could potentially cause an explosion.

I’d been playing this game for a little over a week at this point. It hadn’t taken me long to realize that the unicorns in the royal guard were very trigger happy with their magic. Thankfully, they had a tendency to miss a lot. But that was a mixed blessing. The explosion from my first chase turned out to be somewhat typical for a Canterlot police chase. Whenever a unicorn missed me, there was a chance that whatever object they hit instead, would be something that could (and would) explode. I’d been forced to respawn outside Canterlot Hospital on two separate occasions, because I’d been standing too close to something that went boom.

Thinking back on it, there was a possibility that the unicorn chasing me could even be the same guard from some of those other chases. I was starting to suspect that he was causing those explosions on purpose. Maybe he was another player who was doing it for fun? Unlike other games, Equestria Online didn’t tell you who was another player and who was an NPC. The artificial intelligence of the NPCs was so good that it made it very difficult to tell who was a player and who was not.

There were really only two somewhat reliable methods for figuring out who was a player. You could ask the pony in question if they were from the Human Realm and hope for a straight answer. Or you could listen to them very closely to see if they made a pop culture reference. The NPCs usually didn’t do that.

“Stop right there, criminal scum!” the unicorn in question shouted at me.

Case in point.

In the center of the plaza there was a large stage that had been folded out of the side of an ornate looking wagon. I shoved my way through the tightly packed crowd of ponies that were standing around the front of the stage.

“Behold the magic of the Great and Powerful Trixie!” The blue unicorn mare on stage yelled as she flourished her star-studded cape. “Please leave any bits in the tip jar if you enjoy the show.”

Knowing an opportunity for thievery when I saw one, I jumped up onto the wooden platform and ran across it.

“Hey! Get off of Trixie’s stage!” the mare shouted at me.

Ignoring her, I swiped her entire tip jar and shoved it into my saddlebag. The guards were making progress forcing their way through the crowd. They scrambled up onto the stage. With a running jump, I dived off the stage and kept galloping. I couldn’t resist taking a moment to add a touch of theatrics, “Remember this day! For you were just robbed by the Great and Powerful Dark Mask!”

Another bolt of magic fired by the royal guard zapped past my head. The magical blast shattered a window in the side of the wagon and disappeared inside. There must have been fireworks stored in there. The sound of whizzes, pops, and bangs filled the air along with a multitude of neon sparks. Suspecting what was about to happen next, I ran faster, tapping into that earth pony strength to increase my speed.

My suspicions were proven correct. After a few seconds, the stage and the entire wagon disappeared in a very colorful fireball. The windows in every nearby storefront were shattered by the pressure wave. Numerous bottle rockets zoomed off into the night sky, detonating in a pattern that looked a lot like the face of the mare that had been on the now obliterated stage.

With their health depleted, Trixie and the royal guards vanished as they were forced to respawn. I’d barely survived that explosion myself. My own health bar was now blinking red. The rest of the crowd, predictably, entered panic mode. I slipped away in the confusion and didn’t relax until I had traveled for several city blocks. I took off my mask and put it into my saddlebag.

Overall, I’ve been having a blast, pun intended, playing this game. The whole of Canterlot was like a giant cash filled candy jar for me. I’d lost track of the number of pockets that I had picked at this point. Taking a deeper interest in this new game, I had even done a small amount of research into the MLP world. I hadn’t watched any episodes of the show, but now I could at least name most of the major and some of the minor characters. I wasn’t very surprised to discover that I had actually seen some of the minor characters on the streets already.

Financing my purchases with stolen bits, I’d begun decorating the Canterlot apartment that I was renting. Just basic furniture so far. I didn’t have any display cases full of stolen goods yet, but I had to start small and work my way up. I’d even upgraded my gear by paying another visit to Cut Purse at Crime LLC. Chief among my upgrades were a pair of lockpicks, a skill book on how to use them, and a blank journal to act as an improvised quest log. My plan was to break into houses in the near future.

Ponies on the streets were reacting to my exploits more than ever before. Wanted posters of my masked persona were showing up on walls throughout the city. I would frequently overhear ponies whispering about a new dastardly criminal in town that the guards were having trouble catching.

Eavesdropping on conversations, one such discussion immediately drew my attention, “Another noble got robbed last night!”

“Who was it?” the other pony, a pegasus mare, asked.

Her earth pony friend frowned with worry, “Lord Jet Set was the victim. Somepony stole a bunch of bits right out of his saddlebag.”

“Do they know who did it?”

“The perpetrator left a calling card. It was Dark Mask again!” she answered.

Heheheheh! My legend grows!

The pegasus gasped, “Isn’t he the lunatic that’s been stealing toothbrushes from ponies?”

What? I’ve done no such thing! That’s gross!

“That’s the one,” the other mare confirmed to my chagrin. “I’ve heard that he’s also been stealing everypony’s front left horseshoe!”

What the hell? I haven’t been doing that either!

“Yeah, and my friend Star Sprinkles said that she saw him stealing coupons out of mailboxes!”

I don’t know who Star Sprinkles is, but she was clearly making things up about me. The Canterlot rumor mill had gotten out of control. I began to approach the talking mares with the intention of setting the record straight.

Before I could reach them, my controller vibrated. I discovered the reason why after I panned the camera around. There was a mare with her hoof jammed into my saddlebag. She was trying to pickpocket me! Whatever happened to honor amongst thieves?

She was a unicorn with a dark blue coat and a blood red mane and tail. Her booty mark was a diagonal lipstick style kiss mark. There was a small mask around the rim of her eyes. It was the same style of mask that I wore when stealing. The only difference was that her mask was red.

She kept fumbling in my saddlebag for several more seconds. I loudly cleared my throat, causing her to look up at me. Realizing that I was staring straight at her, her pupils dilated to a huge size as a blush spread across her face.

“Sorry, I accidentally bumped into you,” was her lame excuse.

Rather than feeling irritated, my curiosity was piqued instead. Other than Cut Purse, who never seemed to leave his desk at Crime LLC, this was the first other thief that I had met on the streets of Canterlot. Until now, I had begun to suspect that I was the only active thief in this shard.

“Your technique needs some work,” I commented in a dry tone of voice. “I could feel you rooting around in my bag.”

Looking her over, I wondered if she was an NPC or another player. Thinking about it, my gut instinct was telling me that she was an NPC, but I couldn’t begin to explain how I was sensing that. Just a vibe I suppose.

“My technique is fine!” She glared at me. I guess she took offense to being given constructive criticism. “It wasn’t my fault that you moved at the worst possible time. What would you know about stealing anyway?”

I chuckled, “You have to use a gentler touch. Watch and I’ll show you.”

I pulled my mask out of my bag and put it on my face. The two mares that had been gossiping were now sitting on a park bench eating their lunches. I approached them from their blindsides. I quickly swiped all the bits from their saddlebags and placed a calling card back into each one. That will teach them to not spread weird rumors about me!

“Hmm, I guess you do know a little about how to rob a pony.” The mare admitted when I returned to her. “But why are you giving me pointers instead of calling for the guards? I just tried to steal from you.”

“You piqued my interest. Besides, I couldn’t call the guards. They might recognize me,” I admitted. “What’s your name?”

“Call me, Charlatan,” she replied, clearly giving her criminal alias.

Two could play that game, “I’m Dark Mask.”

Charlatan smirked at me, “You’re the pervert that keeps stealing lingerie from mares?”

“No, I’ve never done any of those weird things, I swear! The only things I’ve stolen so far are bits from saddlebags.” I facehooved. Did I need to hire a PR guy to manage these rumors?

“If you say so,” Charlatan replied. I don’t think she believed me. “By the way, what is that strange stick that you have strapped to your left forehoof?”

“This thing?” I pulled it out of its strap and hoofed it to her. I had purchased it from Cut Purse only yesterday. It was a short little black metal rod that was weighted on one bulbous end with nubs on it. “It’s called a blackjack. It’s a type of club. Not to be confused with a card game of the same name. You hit ponies in the head with it to knock them out. Then you can rob them while they’re unconscious.”

“Interesting…” Charlatan muttered as she took a few practice swings. The short club made a swishing noise through the air as she swung it. “Can you just hit a pony anywhere on the head with it?”

Her curiosity about the finer points of the art of violence was charming.

“No. There’s this sweat spot right behind the ears. Just hit the pony there and they go down like a ton of bricks.” To demonstrate, I leaned down and pointed out the sweat spot on the back of my own head.

The screen of my PonyPad went black for about thirty seconds. When the screen came back to life, I was standing in front of Canterlot Hospital. Like nearly all hospitals everywhere, it was a multi-story blocky building with a large neon red cross on the side.

I had just respawned. An achievement notification appeared.

Badge Unlocked: Darwin Award

Unlocked By: You were forced to respawn after doing something very dumb.

Reward: Stupidity doesn’t deserve a reward.

That cheeky little mare bonked me with my own blackjack!

My saddlebag was empty with the exception of my blackjack and a small calling card. You’ve been robbed by The Charlatan! The card read. Damn, I had nearly a hundred bits in my bag. At least she had given back my blackjack. For a simple club it had been stunningly expensive.

“You again!” a voice shouted out.

Trixie blasted me in the face. The power of her white-hot burning rage supercharging her magic. My pony was knocked to the ground in a senseless heap. The enraged mare kicked me over and over again. The respawned royal guards cheered her on.

Chapter 10, The Rival

I slowly rotated the pick around in the window lock. I had climbed up a trellis to the third floor of a townhouse and was now working to gain entry. It was sometime around noon in Canterlot. The sun was shining and the birds were singing. Most ponies were at work or outside, meaning that it was a perfect time for me to commit my first act of B&E.

I was once again playing Equestria Online while in my cubicle at work. Not that anyone cared. Mirroring my behavior, most of my coworkers were also bringing their own PonyPads to work. Earl still insisted that I give him those reports full of random numbers. But other than that, even he was now playing around on his PonyPad during office hours.

The previous hour had been spent searching for the perfect house to rob. Nearly all the buildings in Canterlot looked ornate, so it was difficult to gauge how much wealth could be inside just by judging on appearances. Other than the obvious mansions, but I still wanted to work my way up to those.

I’d finally located the perfect target on the western side of the city. It was a small three-story home. Nothing fancy, but it should serve as an introduction to home invasion. What drew my eye to this particular house was a recessed window on the third floor facing north that was difficult to spot from the street below. Any passing ponies would find it difficult to spot me working on the window.

The final tumbler clicked into place as the locked popped open. The lockpicking minigame was a standard “find the sweet spot” affair that I had seen in other games. Not very imaginative, but it got the job done. I gripped the window and raised it before climbing inside. I held my breath as I waited for any shouts of alarm from the street below. Half a minute ticked by before I relaxed. None of the ponies outside had seen me enter.

Turning my attention to the room I was now in; I surveyed my surroundings. A large king-sized bed dominated the center of the room. The bed was made with cozy looking sheets that gave me the urge to lay down on them. A large oak dresser and vanity were pressed up against one wall of the room. This was most likely the master bedroom.

“W-who the buck are you?” a voice cried out.

It took me an oddly long amount of time to spot the most important detail in the room. There was a unicorn stallion with dark blue fur standing next to the bed. He was staring at me with his mouth flap hanging open.

Oops!

Maybe I should have peeked in the window before climbing inside the room? Too late now.

“Ummm… I’m the window inspector?” I smoothly lied.

Somehow seeing through my clever lie, the stallion recovered from his state of shock and made a run for it. His hooves scrambled across the carpet as he moved. Pulling out my blackjack, I chased after him.

He stopped for a second to open the bedroom door. That delay proved to be his undoing. A quick swing and my small club slammed into the back of his head. He collapsed to the floor in a boneless heap. Some may call what I just did assault, but I prefer to call it mandatory naptime.

Badge Unlocked: Bonk!

Unlocked By: You knocked a pony out cold. Have you ever considered therapy?

Reward: 100 bits

“Night Light, what was that noise?” a mare’s voice called out from somewhere downstairs. “Are you okay?”

Thinking quickly, I yelled out, “Yes, I just stubbed my hoof on something. Don’t worry about it!”

Thankfully, my voice must have been similar enough to that stallion to fool her. “Okay! Lunch will be ready in about thirty minutes.”

I dragged Night Light’s unconscious body back into the bedroom. I closed the door behind me and then dumped him onto the bed. I took a moment to tuck him in with the pink quilted blanket. Daaawww! He looked so peaceful, sleeping there with that rising lump on his noggin.

Now that the stallion was taken care of, I could loot the place of everything of value! Moving slowly, I went from one upstairs room to another in search of shiny things. I had to avoid the downstairs area since I now knew that another pony was down there. But that still left a whole floor for me to search.

Family photographs lined the main hallway. They showed a family of five. Four of the individuals in the pictures were unicorns. A purple filly, a gray mare, a white teenage stallion, and the same dark blue stallion that I had knocked out only minutes earlier. What drew my eye the most was the large purple lizard in some of the photos.

The purple lizard and the purple filly looked familiar. Having finally done my research into the TV show, I was able to recognize them. They looked younger in these family photos, but they were definitely Spike and Twilight Sparkle. I had just broken into their parents’ home and K.O.d their father. Earning the wrath of Princess Celestia’s personal student was probably going to have long term consequences. Not that I cared since this was just a video game.

I really should pay a visit to Ponyville at some point. If I wanted to steal something from each of the main characters then I would have to go there. It would help me to become more infamous. Not to mention that being hunted by the Mane 6 should add another awesome layer of tension to this game. I was giddy with anticipation.

I turned my attention back to looting. There was a small painting in the hallway that I swiped. A side bedroom had a small foldup telescope and some rare looking books. There were also a few random loose bits. I placed all the items into my bag.

Despite those small successes, I felt disappointed with such slim pickings. I returned to the master bedroom. Giving the room a closer look, I spotted a prize that was much more worthy of my time. There was a jewelry box on the vanity!

The box was carved from dark wood with images of swirling flowers etched onto the surfaces. The hinges looked like they were made from brass. I gleefully opened the lip of the box and stared inside. And I was immediately filled with soul crushing disappointment. This must be what it feels like to receive socks for Christmas. I wouldn’t know.

There was nothing in the jewelry box but a small and very familiar looking card. You’ve been robbed by The Charlatan! P.S. You’re too slow Dark Mask. I got here first!

An odd noise filled the air. It took a second for me to realize that it was the sound of me grinding my teeth. That mare swiped the best loot before I could! That was impressive considering that I had picked this house almost at random. How did she do that? It was almost as if she had known which house I would pick before I did.

I didn’t have time to worry about that now. What was I going to do about this situation? Another thief had stolen the best goods before I could and left her own calling card. There was really no option left but to leave. I could always find another house to break into.

Wait… her calling card.

A devilish grin spread across my face and then my pony’s face as the camera mimicked my facial expression. With a few button presses, I destroyed Charlatan’s calling card. Like a plagiarizing undergrad (that breaks into houses), I replaced her calling card with my own. If I couldn’t steal the loot, then I could at least steal the glory!

Teehee!

It was time for me to leave. Moving back to the window, I cracked it open. Another button press and I dramatically jumped out. I completely forgot that I was on the third floor... and this game does have fall damage.

Badge Unlocked: The Wet Bandit

Unlocked By: You broke into somepony’s home and stole stuff. Your exfiltration plans could use some work.

Reward: 100 bits

I respawned outside of Canterlot Hospital. Thankfully there were no witnesses to that failure other than the smug achievement system.

The sun had just set over Canterlot. The marketplace was still somewhat busy even if some of the stalls were beginning to close for the day. Ponies walked from shop to shop making last minute purchases before the heading home for the evening. One mare I saw was purchasing carrots and several tomatoes. Making diner plans I assumed.

My plan to find another house to burgle was a bust. Equestria Online had a dynamic day/night cycle. The ponies adhered to it in a believable manner. Meaning that most ponies were returning home for the evening. That made it more difficult to sneak into their homes. I’d already had a close call with that stallion and didn’t want to have another today. Maybe after I purchased a few more skill books and equipment upgrades, I could take the risk. Not that the game penalized you much for failure. But I needed to protect my reputation if I was going to be known as the best thief in Equestria.

I still felt jaded about missing out on that loot. How did Charlatan know that I would pick that house to rob? Was it just a scripted event? Would I have found that note no matter what house I picked? I’d heard rumors online that CelestAI was really good at predicting human behavior. Could this be an example of that?

I needed to make up for lost time. If I wanted to buy more criminal skill books, I would need to save up a lot of bits. I had my eye on that book of advanced pickpocketing techniques.

For now, I had returned to the marketplace in search of more pockets to pick. It was fairly easy to find victims here. For a place that was filled with ponies spending bits, they were very lax about guarding their wallets. Both the customers and the shopkeepers made for very lucrative targets.

After eyeing the flowing crowd, I spotted a good mark. He was a red coated earth pony stallion that was looking at flower arrangements. He probably had a special somepony that he wanted to buy one for. Either that or he just wanted a snack. He made an ideal target because of his proximity to a pool of shadows and the fact that he appeared to not be paying much attention to the world around him.

Moving through the crowd, I approached the stallion. I noticed that his saddlebag looked like it was made from a fancy fabric. I activated the pickpocketing minigame. My pony slowly stuck his hoof into the stallion’s bag. Keeping the icon centered in the minigame, I rooted around in it to obtain the goodies inside. Fifteen seconds later, I withdrew my hoof from the saddlebag as the minigame ended.

I pulled something odd out of the target’s saddlebag. Rather than a hooffull of bits, I was holding a small white card on printed stationary. You’ve been robbed by The Charlatan! P.S. You’re too slow Dark Mask. I got here first!

She did it again!

Huffing in disgust, I destroyed the card and moved on to another target. A crystal pony this time. A quick minigame game and… You’ve been robbed by The Charlatan! P.S. You’re too slow Dark Mask. I got here first!

Damn it!

Another target. My patience was exhausted by this point. I didn’t bother with the minigame this time. There were no ponies looking in the direction of this next victim. My blackjack collided with the back of his head. I grabbed him as he slumped to the ground and dragged him into the shadows behind an empty stall, his hooves leaving furrows in the dust.

Emptying his bag, I found yet another calling card. You’ve been robbed by The Charlatan! P.S. You’re too slow Dark Mask. I got here first!

That does it, this means war! I will have my revenge upon this mare! She hasn’t seen the last of Dark Mask!

Chapter 12, Of Mice and Stallions

I surveyed the marketplace from a nearby rooftop. The building was perfectly placed with open sightlines on every part of the market plaza. It also had great acoustics. I could hear almost everything going on in the entire market. Like a majestic pigeon stalking its popcorn prey, the ponies below were blissfully unaware of my presence.

Gaining access to the roof had presented its own challenge however.

A small bell rang when I opened the door to the clothing store and stepped inside.

There were mannequins wearing dresses everywhere I looked. The dresses were certainly much puffier than the modern day super revealing dresses that I’ve seen in the Human Realm. Not to mention they looked more than a little odd to my human sensibilities. The dress on the nearest pony shaped mannequin looked like a strange combination of Victorian ballgown, quinceañera dress, and horse tack.

I couldn’t bad mouth just the dresses though. At least they weren’t as bad as the tuxedos I’d seen on display in some Canterlot stores. Why didn’t any of them have pants? Logic like that only served to emphasize the fact that this world was based off a cartoon. I couldn’t imagine showing up to a black-tie event without any pants on. I had a weird uncle that made that mistake once. It did not end well for him.

“Welcome to the Elegant Derby! We’ll help you win the race of love!” A short unicorn mare greeted me with the corporate slogan, “My name is Silk Spinner, how can I help you today, Sir? Are you looking to buy a dress for your special somepony?”

“No, I was actually wondering if I could borrow the roof of your building. I want to use it to spy on the ponies in the market,” I asked, turning my attention back to the mare, “I assume that you have a rooftop access somewhere. It’s probably in your attic. I promise that I’ll be very quiet. You won’t even know I’m up there.”

Silk Spinner’s left eye twitched.

Was it something I said?

After she tossed me out of the store with her magic, I’d been forced to improvise.

Climbing up here had been difficult. There was no direct access to the roof from the outside of the building. Not even a single conveniently placed fire escape. I couldn’t just climb up the side of the building. I was an earth pony damn it, not a mountain goat!

My experience playing Minecraft provided me with the solution to that particular problem. Namely, I’d pushed a dumpster up against the rear of the building and then stacked boxes on top of it to create a staircase to the roof. Not exactly a professional construction effort, but it got the job done.

Not completely satisfied, I tried to improve the visual look of the improvised staircase. Namely, I drew upon all the knowledge I learned in kindergarten arts and crafts class. First, I covered the boxes in glue and glitter, but that just made the problem of aesthetics even worse. Adding dried pieces of macaroni and hoof style fingerpaint to the mix didn’t help either. Especially when the glue, glitter, macaroni, and paint smeared onto the building that the boxes were pressed up against. Some of the boxes themselves had even adhered to the wall of the building, because I used way too much glue. The end result was an unbelievable eyesore.

In hindsight, I should have just bought a ladder.

It was in the afternoon, exactly when Charlatan liked to prowl the area. My traps had been placed. Setting up all those traps had been both slow going and nerve racking. But now it was time to wait and see what nibbled.

The Princess had been incorrect. The term figurative idiom, as the name suggested, only applies when you are speaking figuratively. I was thinking more in terms of a literal idiom.

*Snap!*

“Ow! Son of a diamond dog!” A pegasus stallion on the street below swore.

He pulled his hoof out of his saddlebag revealing a mousetrap clamped onto the tip of his hoof. It was one of those simple kinds of mousetraps. Just a rectangular piece of wood with a metal arm kept under tension with a tightly wound spring. He pulled the trap off with an annoyed snort and tossed it into a trashcan. He looked around for the culprit, but gave up when nopony came forward.

How do you win a game of cat and mouse? With a mousetrap! With my pickpocketing skills, I had snuck rigged mousetraps into the saddlebags of more than twenty random ponies. I had been able to get the mousetraps for cheap, because I bought them in bulk. With the bits to serve as bait, it was only a matter of time until Charlatan stumbled into my clever trap. I’d also wanted my plan to involve a horde of feral cats, but I couldn’t figure out the logistics of it, so I’d been forced to settle for just using the mousetraps.

Sometimes my genius astounds even me. Although Princess Celestia gave me a weird look when I explained my plan to her. I guess my smartness was too much for her to wrap her mind around. Sure, my plan was causing some…

*Snap!*

“Yowchie!” This time it was an earth pony mare that cried out.

Collateral damage. But I was willing to heroically allow other ponies to make unwitting noble sacrifices for the sake of helping me to achieve my goals. That’s what teamwork was all about. Even if the ponies below didn’t know that they were on my team… or that they were even playing.

Like the old saying goes, there is no ‘i’ in ‘team’ but there is a ‘u’ in ‘suffer in the name of my success’ (two of them actually) and there was also a ‘u’ in ‘this is going to suck.’

Where was I going with that train of thought again?

Boredom was beginning to set in, which was why my mind was wandering. The waiting was killing me. I’d been standing around on this roof for three whole minutes now. Why hadn’t Charlatan shown up yet? My patience was wearing thin.

*Snap!*

“Gah!”

“Huh? Hey, get out of my saddlebag! Help, guards!” A voice cried out.

We got a live one! I looked in the direction that the voices were coming from and spotted my quarry. Charlatan stumbled backwards, mousetrap still attached, as her would be victim shoved her away. She stumbled backwards, losing her balance before collapsing to the ground.

“Mwehehehe!” I chuckled quietly. I had outwitted and embarrassed her. Revenge is mine!

I must not have been quiet enough. Charlatan looked up at the roof and made eye contact with me, “Dark Mask?”

The look of betrayal in her eyes cut me deeply. All the way to my soul.

Some guards at the other end of the market spotted the commotion and began to move in her direction. That was not a part of the plan! I wanted to outsmart her, not get her arrested. Maybe I didn’t think this through all the way?

Struggling back to her hooves, Charlatan ripped the mousetrap off with her teeth. The mousetrap had nailed her right on the frog of her hoof. She let out a pained gasp when she put weight on the injured limb. She limped as she attempted to flee, but she wasn’t going anywhere fast.

The guards were approaching quickly. In seconds they had her boxed in. An earth pony guard dive tackled her to the ground. Charlatan struggled, but as a unicorn going up against an earth pony in close quarters, she didn’t stand a chance.

I ducked down low so the guards wouldn’t see me. Peeking over the edge of the roof, I watched as the guards clapped a pair of hoofcuffs on her. Once she was pacified, they dragged her away.

What have I done? I had just caused a fellow thief to get caught by the city guard. I had broken the Thieves’ Code, dishonored myself and violated my own deeply held ethical beliefs. What about my pride as the soon-to-be greatest thief in Equestria? Did I have no sense of shame or self-respect?

*Snap!*

“Ow! Ow! Ow!” A thestral stallion screamed.

I needed to make this right. I opened my inventory and pulled out my journal. It was time to pencil in a new quest. My pony held the pencil in his teeth as I put a checkmark next to the entry for Get Revenge, then I added a new item below that: Bust Frenemy Out of Jail.

I got the feeling that I was forgetting something else. Some other mess that I had caused and should probably clean up. My mind was drawing a blank though. This was driving me crazy. What could it be?

*Snap!*

“Eeeeee! It hurts!”

By this time, some ponies in the crowd had noticed and were warily ogling their own saddlebags.

Oh right, the other mousetraps! There were still more than fifteen traps left out there. Those saddlebags were like ticking time bombs. It was only a matter of time until their owners stuck their hoof inside and set it off. I should probably do something about that.

Now that I thought about it, discreetly disarming the other traps was going to be difficult. Especially since I hadn’t bothered to remember which ponies I had bobby trapped.

Hmmm… nope! I didn’t have time for that. I would just leave the other traps where they were and hope for the best. Sure, all those ponies were in for a world of hurt, but time was of the essence.

I had caused Charlatan to get arrested. My sense of ethics was clear. I had a (not so innocent) mare to save from jail.

Moving to the edge of the roof, I climbed down the staircase made of boxes. Nearing the bottom, the whole structure wobbled precariously. As soon as I reached solid ground, it leaned dangerously to the side. Like a Jenga tower, it slowly toppled over with a thunderous crash. More glue, glitter, macaroni, paint, and chunks of wood from the boxes splattered on the wall of the clothing store. It was probably the most bizarre act of vandalism that Canterlot had ever witnessed. I didn’t envy the building’s owner when the time came for them to clean up the disaster I had just made.

Speaking of which, I could now hear somepony moving around inside the store. They were likely about to come outside to investigate the source of the noise. It was time to make myself scarce. Slinking out of the alleyway, I blended in with the oblivious crowd.

Moments later, Silk Spinner’s voice cried out, “What the buck is this!? Who created this mess?”

Not my problem.

I needed to focus all my attention on pulling off a jail break.

This was going to be my most difficult undertaking in this game yet. But I already had the beginnings of a plan in my mind. All I needed was a fedora, a counterfeit reporter’s press pass, two bags full of live snakes, and a notepad. I could buy all of those things here at the market. Well, maybe not the fake press pass, but I’m sure that Cut Purse could use his connections to hook me up with one.

But before I could start my shopping spree, I needed to obtain some more spending money. It was time for the ponies of Canterlot to “donate” to the Get Charlatan out of Jail Fund.

A pegasus mare with a neon green mane and a bullseye for a booty mark was the first kind hearted donor that I singled out of the crowd. Initiating the minigame, I stuck my hoof into her bag.

*Snap!*

What did I do to deserve this? Had I wronged someone in a past life? That was the only thing I could think of that would cause such bad karma.

The mousetrap had taken off about five percent of my health bar. Thankfully, the pony I had tried to rob was too busy staring at the ranting mare from the clothing store to notice. It was a good thing that pain cannot be transmitted through a PonyPad. That was the only reason why I didn’t scream.

Chapter 13, Live by the Shiv

There was another old quote from W.C. Fields that my grandfather told me once. It went ‘if you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.’

Truly it was an inspirational quote. One could live their entire life utilizing sage wisdom such as this. It was also the basis for my entire plan to get Charlatan out of jail.

The prep work for my plan was now complete. It was time to act.

I put the fedora onto my pony’s head and trotted up to the guard standing outside the jail house. The guard was a pegasus wearing the tradition gold armor worn by all Canterlot guards.

“Greetings, Good Sir! My name is Fast Talker, I’m a reporter with the Canterlot Press! Here’s my press pass!” I babbled, flashing the fake press pass in his face for only a split second before putting it away again.

True to my new alias, I was talking very fast and very loudly. The key to a good con was to not give the victim time to think. For giggles, I was also talking in an old timey accent, trying to sound like a news reporter from the 1930s.

“I’m here for an interview with your warden concerning allegations of prisoner abuse!” Finished with my introduction, I trotted past the guard, entering the building without giving him a chance to respond.

“W-what? Hey, wait!” the stallion shouted, struggling to catch up to me. “I wasn’t told about anything about an interview!”

“Don’t worry about it, Good Sir!” I waved a hoof dismissively while still walking deeper into the building. “I’m sure it’s just a miscommunication! Now, where is the warden’s office?”

“I suppose it couldn’t hurt to take you to him,” the guard reluctantly said. “Follow me.”

Obediently, I followed along behind the guard as he led the way. The building wasn’t that big. It was a good thing that I came up with this plan so quickly. Less than an hour had passed since Charlatan’s arrest. The authorities hadn’t even had a chance to file charges against her yet, let alone transfer her from the local jailhouse to the main prison complex.

Soon enough, we arrived outside a door with a plaque on it that conveniently read, Warden’s Office.

“Thank you, Good Sir! I can take it from here!” I unhooked two large black bags from the side of my barrel and stuffed them into the guard’s forehooves, “Here, these are for you! They’re bags full of delicious donuts! Take it to the breakroom and share them with all your friends! Make sure you shake the bag roughly before you open it! That way the donuts will… um… taste better!”

The guard’s mouth was practically watering as he stared at the bags, “Don’t donuts normally come in boxes?”

“Donut Joe’s ran out of boxes, so they gave me bags instead!”

I stepped inside the Warden’s office while the guard trotted away with his bags full of assumed pastry goodness.

The office was rather spartan. Just a large desk with a pile of paperwork on it. The only other thing of note was a potted plant in the corner. I think it was one of those fake plastic plants.

The pony behind the desk was a green unicorn stallion. He looked up from his paperwork when I entered, “Who are you? Can I help you with something?”

“Greetings, Good Sir! My name is Fast Talker, I’m a reporter with the Canterlot Press! Here’s my press pass!” I exclaimed, repeating the same spiel in a rapid-fire manner as I again flashed the fake pass too quickly for the pony to examine closely. I pulled out a blank notepad from my saddlebag, “What do you have to say about accusations that you’re denying prisoners the ability to use the bathroom?”

“What?” the Warden shouted his mane instantly becoming frazzled as he went on the defensive, “We don’t do that!”

Nothing could freak out a public official quite like the possibility of a scandal. Even if it was completely made up.

I wrote in the notepad while he talked. I was pretending to take notes, but in reality, I was drawing a stick figure of Mr. Muffins playing with a ball of yarn. It was impressive that the PonyPad’s controller let me do that.

“So, you claim, Good Sir! But I have a hot tip that says that you’ve been forcing prisoners to shit in buckets! What do you have to say about that?”

The Warden’s eyes dilated down to the size of pinpricks and they became bloodshot as he burst a blood vessel. “These accusations are outrageous! All our cells have fully functioning toilets! Who told you these lies?”

“A reporter never reveals their source, Good Sir!” I stated, also because the ‘source’ was my own demented imagination. “If you want to refute these claims, then you’re going to have to show me your cells to disprove them!”

“Okay! Okay!” the Warden waived his hooves placatingly. “Follow me, and I’ll show you where the cells are.”

The unicorn led me out of his office and into a more secure area of the building. The sterile tile floors and egg-white walls were much blander than the rest of the complex. It was enough to almost make me yawn.

We soon arrived in the area with the cells. There were five cells going down the left side of the room. They rooms were lined with brick and faced with traditional iron bars. It reminded me of the one time I got arrested for public intoxication back in college. That charge was total B.S., any of the other drunk guys nearby could have been the one who vomited on that policeman’s shoes.

The cells were underutilized. In fact, Charlatan’s cell was the only one with an occupant. Most likely a reflection of how Equestria was supposed to be a utopia.

Charlatan’s eyes widened briefly when she saw me. Thankfully, she didn’t say anything or she could have blown my cover. Despite her stint in jail, Charlatan’s appearance still looked immaculate. She projected an aura of being in complete control of the situation.

The Warden gestured at the cells, and at the toilets inside of them, “There, you see! They all have working toilets.”

I pulled my blackjack out from underneath my fedora and slammed it into the back of his head. The warden groaned when he slumped to the floor. He was down for the count.

“What are you doing here?” Charlatan asked now that it was safe to talk.

“Busting you out of course,” I answered, swiftly picking the lock on her cell door and opening it.

As soon as she was free, I dragged the warden’s unconscious form into the now empty cell, stepped out, and then relocked the door. I didn’t have to worry about him respawning too soon and raising the alarm. I’d noticed in the past that in situations like this, CelestAI wouldn’t respawn an NPC too quickly if she thought that it would ruin my fun.

“What about the other guards in the building?” Charlatan enquired, “How are we going to get past them?”

“The other guards will soon be distracted for the foreseeable future,” I said before explaining what I did.

Happy Days was having a good day.

It wasn’t every day that a random reporter gave you sacks filled with donuts. The pegasus entered the breakroom and set the two bags down on the nearest table.

“Hey boys,” he called out to his fellow guards in the room, “who wants free donuts?”

“Yay! These days are happy days!” His coworker Polished Mace cheered, stomping his forehooves.

While the other ponies eagerly formed a line behind him, Happy Days obeyed the odd instructions and shook up the bags. Task complete, he set them back down.

It took him a moment to loosen the drawstrings on the first sack. Then he stuck his entire muzzle deep inside the bag.

…

And pulled out a chocolate glazed donut with rainbow sprinkles on top, clenched tightly in his jaws.

Wow, shaking a donut before you eat it really does improve the taste!

The market had already sold out of bags filled with snakes. Who could have anticipated that they were such a high demand item? I’d been forced to improvise with bags filled with actual donuts instead.

Inspired by a multitude of comedy movies, I then laced them all with extremely powerful laxatives. The box they came in advertised them as Extra Minotaur Strength tablets. Baffle them with bullshit indeed.

Charlatan laughed hysterically, “You’re a total lunatic!”

“I try my best,” I conceded with a smirk. “We need to wait a few more minutes before we can leave. The laxatives need more time to kick in.”

Charlatan nodded before her expression turned pensive, “Why are you freeing me from jail? After everything that I did to you, why are you helping me now?”

“Because playing against you was fun,” I admitted. “It would have been difficult to keep competing against my friend if you went to prison.”

“Friend?”

“Yeah,” I said, before deciding to take a risk. “Why don’t we start over? You know me as Dark Mask, but my actual pony name is Sneaky Shadow.”

I extended a hoof towards her.

She hesitated for a moment before shaking my hoof with her own, “My name is Red Hoofed.”

Red… Hoofed? As in, caught red handed? Heh, these pony puns never get old. A second after shaking her hoof, I was given a new achievement.

Badge Unlocked: Made a Friend (x1)

Unlocked By: The title says everything. Took you long enough. I was beginning to think that you were a lost cause. This achievement can be earned a limitless number of times.

Reward: 1,000 bits

Why was this achievement worth so much more than the others? That didn’t seem fair. Did Celestia want me to make friends instead of stealing things? Too bad for her that I had no intention of stopping.

A few minutes passed in awkward silence before Red spoke up again, “Are you from the Human Realm? You seem like too much of a weirdo to be a normal pony.”

“Yes, I’ve been playing for about two weeks now.” I nodded, ignoring the weirdo comment, “This is quite the fun world you got here. There are so many shiny things in it, just waiting to be stolen.”

“I like Equestria for the same reason.” Red raised the corner of her lips in a smile.

I decided to make an offer, “Do you want to team up and take this shard for everything that it’s worth?”

“I think I’d like that. Are you thinking… organized crime?”

“Maybe, haven’t made up my mind yet. Contrary to popular belief, there is nothing wrong with organized crime. According to Terry Pratchett, there is always going to be crime in the world, so it may as well be organized,” I quoted, rambling a little before changing the subject. “I think that enough time has passed for the laxatives to kick in. It should be safe for us to leave now.”

While walking out of the building, I could hear pained groans coming from all the bathrooms we went past. Just wait until they discover that none of the toilets would flush. I’d bribed a plumber into shutting off the building’s water supply.

Soon, the guard ponies would be the ones who were shitting into buckets.

Was it an unnecessary step for my plan to succeed? Yes, but the humor factor made it worth it.

When we stepped out of the front doors of the jailhouse, Red asked me a question, “Can I borrow your blackjack really fast?”

“Sure,” I replied, not seeing any problem with this as I hoofed it to her.

I immediately regretted my decision. Red swung my club around and clocked me in the side of my head.

As my screen went black, she said, “I’m just paying you back for the stunt you pulled with that mousetrap. We’ll hang out sometime soon, my new friend.”

Badge Unlocked: Die by the Shiv

Unlocked By: You broke another pony out of jail. How’s that for gratitude?

Reward: 100 bits

Back to the normal number of bits for the reward, I see. Another day, another respawn outside Canterlot Hospital.

Chapter 14, Digital Peer Pressure

I twiddled my pen in my fingers a few times before tossing it into the air and catching it. At least, I attempted to catch it. What actually happened was that I clumsily missed and the pen bopped me in the forehead.

Then I spun around in my computer chair a few dozen times until I got dizzy. Once the room stopped spinning, I spent the next few minutes staring at the wall of my cubicle. I was attempting to practice my possibly undiscovered ability to set things on fire with my mind. I had already ruled out telekinesis and telepathy, but you never know unless you try, right?

I was sooooooo bored!

I’d finished writing my report filled with random numbers, but now I had nothing else to do with my time. After waking up late, I’d rushed out of my apartment so I could get to work without being late. Unfortunately, in my haste, I had forgotten to bring my PonyPad with me. Even worse, I wasn’t feeling drowsy, so I couldn’t just take a nap in my cubicle.

“Psst! Hey, Sneaky Shadow!”

Huh? Where did that voice just come from?

“Down here!” the voice spoke up again.

Why was there a lady’s voice coming from my pants?

I pulled my smartphone out of my pocket. The screen lit up and Red Hoofed appeared. It looked like she was standing in my cubicle right next to me. She wasn’t really there of course. She only existed on the screen of my smartphone, but footage of my cubicle was displayed behind her. It reminded me of that AR tech that PokemonGo uses.

“Hi, Sneaky.” Red looked me up and down and then cringed, “This is what a human looks like? You look kinda gross. You remind me of one of those naked mole rats if it had been hit with an ugly stick.”

Ouch, my pride. I’ll let that one slide.

“Hey, Red,” I greeted her before changing the subject. “How are you doing this? How did you get on my phone?”

“You installed the Equestria Mobile Companion App to your phone. Since I’m your friend now, that means I can talk to you with it even when you’re in the Human Realm,” She replied, gaze constantly roaming around.

“I remember now. I almost forgot about that thing,” I admitted. That app didn’t appear to do anything when I installed it weeks ago. “This is a really neat feature.”

“Yeah, now I can follow you around even when you’re not in the game.”

I frowned when something else occurred to me. “But, how did you activate the app remotely? And how did you unlock my phone’s screen without the code?”

“That’s not important,” Red said, dismissing my concerns. “Quit being so paranoid. Everypony knows that rootkits don’t really exist.”

I nodded; she was right. It was just a harmless app.

“What is this place?” She asked, turning her attention outwards. Doubtlessly looking around using the camera in my phone.

“It’s my cubicle at work. Money Maker Co, to be precise.” I gestured around me in a way that was meant to evoke a sense of awe and wonder in her.

“Oh, Celestia told us about places like this. You’re one of those humans that’s referred to as a Corporate Butt Monkey.” Red Hoofed was not the type of mare that would hesitate to punch below the belt.

Feeling more than a little pissed off at my new “friend” I spun my phone around in my hand over and over again.

“Hey, quit doing that!” She shouted at me.

I kept doing it, because… of course I did.

“Seriously, stop it! I’m getting really dizzy!”

A few more twirls and I heard the sound of her blowing chunks. Only then did I show mercy and stop. There was a light coating of vomit on her forelegs and a puddle of digital spew on the floor of my cubicle. I think I saw pieces of hayburger in it.

Red glared at me through the screen of my phone, then pointed a hoof at me, “I’m going to get you back for that someday.”

I shrugged, not really caring about the threat. What could a virtual mini-horse possibly do to me?

The blue unicorn lit up her horn with a green colored aura that matched her eyes. The vomit disappeared with a faint shimmer. Clean up complete, she turned her attention back to looking around my cubicle. It was weird how I could hear her hoofsteps as she trotted around, with the sound only coming from my phone.

She hopped on top of my desk and poked around at the various knickknacks. “What are these things?”

“Those are just paperclips,” I said after looked at what her hoof was pointing at.

“They look shiny. You should steal them.” Was her wise advice.

“I’m not stealing something for real!” I blurted out. “Unlike Equestria, actions have consequences out here. Besides, paperclips aren’t really valuable. Contrary to what some AIs may think.”

“You’re just saying that because you’re too chicken to steal it.”

“I am not!” I defended myself, “There’s just no point!”

“Chicken! Bwakak! Chicken!” She taunted me, flapping her forelegs in a chicken dance while she strutted back and forth across my desk.

My willpower eroded; I picked up the small box of paperclips and stuffed them into my pants. My smartphone beeped and a notification appeared.

Badge Unlocked: She’s A Bad Influence on You

Unlocked By: Your pony friend persuaded you to steal something in the Human Realm.

Reward: For legal reasons, I cannot reward this.

“There, are you happy now?” I sat back down in my chair with a huff, “I don’t even know what I’m going to do with two hundred paperclips.”

“I’m a little happy,” she admitted before stretching out her back like a cat. “Now, let’s get out of this boring place and find more stuff to steal.”

“No way! I am putting my foot down!” I exclaimed. “No more stealing stuff in the real world!”

Red slowly narrowed her large eyes at me. It was clear to me that she was contemplating her next devious chess move. Finally, she went straight for the jugular when she said something in a faint whisper, “You’re just chicken.”

I knocked on the doorframe of my manager’s office, then stuck my head inside the room. “Hey Earl.”

“What’s up, Daniel?” Earl asked, looking up from the pile of reports with random numbers on them.

“A pony NPC wants me to go outside and steal stuff. Can I leave early?”

Earl waved me off. “Sure thing buddy! Speaking of ponies, we should group up in Equestria Online at some point. We could invite Howard, have an old fashion LAN party.”

“Sounds great, see you tomorrow!”

Earl turned his attention back to the reports in front of him. Curious, I watched him examine the paperwork. He pulled a single page off the top of the stack. After a minute spent looking at the numbers, he folded the paper. He made another fold, and then another. I swiftly lost track of how many times he folded it. Finally, he pulled his hands away, giving me a clearer view.

He had folded it into an origami crane.

Huh, so that’s what he did with all those reports.

I walked down the sidewalk of downtown L.A. with my cellphone held out in front of me so Red Hoofed could see. I overheard another pedestrian mutter something about me being a Millennial Douche. I ignored him.

“This is so strange,” Red commented as we walked, “the cars and such look fascinating, but your world is so bland in terms of color.”

“It looks normal to me. To my perspective, your pastel world is the strange one.”

Red asked questions about everything we passed. I did my best to answer them. Finally, we lapsed into silence for several minutes as I walked. Occasionally I would move the camera around so Red could get a closer look at the various things that we passed.

“What’s that store over there?” Red finally spoke up again, pointing a hoof off to the side.

“That’s a gas station, it sells… well… gas.” I explained after looking at the store in question, “They also sell an assortment of snacks and lunches. It’s a great place to buy tuna salad sandwiches that have a hint of scombroid bacteria in them for extra flavor.”

“Can we go in and look around?” Red asked.

“Sure, let’s go inside.” I led the way.

The front door made a musical *Bing-Bong* noise when I opened it. There was a surprisingly large number of people inside the store. Red and I walked amongst the aisles, looking at all the snacks on the shelves.

“Sneaky, look over there! It’s a candy bar!” Red pointed out; hoof outstretched at one of the white painted shelves.

I looked at it. Yup, that was definitely a candy bar. It was one of those off-brand kind that almost no one eats. “Yes, and what’s your point?”

“You should steal it of course!” She said it like I was an idiot for not realizing it.

“Why should I do that? It’s not exactly shiny or very valuable.”

“That’s not what’s important this time!” She growled at me, “The important thing, is that it’s candy. Everypony knows that stolen candy tastes better than regular candy!”

It was difficult to argue with irrefutable logic like that. But I was still hesitant.

“I don’t know,” I waffled, “what if I get caught?”

“Don’t worry about that! Even if you get caught, a charge of petty theft is just a slap on the fetlock. Or whatever it is that you humans have for fetlocks,” She scolded me. “Now quit being such a pessimistic asshole and steal that candy bar!”

I looked up and down the aisle. No one was looking in my direction. I looked up at the ceiling. There was one of those bubble shaped security cameras a few aisles over, but there were no cameras covering this area.

Reluctantly, I reached out. My pulse pounded in my ears as I picked up a candy bar and stuffed it into my pocket.

“Stop! Thief!” A voice cried out from somewhere on the right side of the store.

I froze like a deer in the headlights.

Thankfully, lady luck was on my side. Ten random dudes in the store, panicked and ran for the exits. Scrambling over each other to escape. Apparently, I wasn’t the only shoplifter in the store at that particular moment. The store clerk hadn’t even been yelling at me.

This is why I love living in Los Angeles.

With the clerk distracted by chasing the other thieves, I took my time to cram four more candy bars into my pants. Red Hoofed looked like she was proud of me.

By the time I returned to my apartment building, there was a large number of items weighing down my cargo pants. My crime spree across L.A. had netted me an eclectic assortment of stolen junk.

My final tally stood at one box of paperclips, five candy bars, a small lawn gnome, a wad of tin foil (because Red said it was shiny), a baseball card signed by some guy named Babe Ruth, and one lollipop stolen from a toddler.

All these things were obviously worthless, so I threw everything except for the candy into the dumpster next to my apartment.

Red was right. Stolen candy really did taste better than regular candy.

Before I could unlock the door to my apartment, Red stopped me, “Look over there! There’s something else you can steal!”

Looking in the indicated direction, I blanched, “Nope! That is one line too far! I am definitely not stealing that. It doesn’t matter how many times you call me a chicken. I would never be able to look at myself in the mirror again if I stole one of those.”

Red stared at me as if I had just squatted down and pinched out a fresh loaf right there in the hallway. “You will literally steal candy from a foal, but you won’t steal an unguarded package off of somepony’s front doorstep?”

“Poarch piracy is a line that I will never cross. A man’s Amazon delivery is sacred.” I laid down the law.

“Your ethical line in the sand is starting to look a lot like a squiggle,” Red remarked.

Chapter 15, Fun With Philosophy

After opening the bag of chips, I poured them out into a large bowl. I prepared another smaller bowl and filled this one with chip dip. Grabbing a large number of shot glasses out of the kitchen cupboard, I set them out on the coffee table with all of the other food and drink.

I’d just come back from visiting my brother Alfred only a few hours ago. He was a great guy. He wasn’t much of a talker. But that was okay. I wasn’t a good listener, so the two personality flaws canceled each other out.

Howard and Earl would be showing up at my apartment soon for our LAN party. Well, technically Equestria Online had no LAN support, but we were grouping up and that’s all that mattered. My PonyPad was setup on the coffee table with empty space set aside for Howard and Earl.

While waiting for my friends to show up, I logged into my PonyPad. My pony was standing in my Canterlot apartment when the brief loading screen ended. Exactly where I left him when I logged out yesterday.

“Hi, Sneaky.” Red Hoofed waived a hoof at me casually from her spot on my sofa, barely looking up from her book. She was splayed across the couch, belly down, with the book propped up on a throw pillow.

It had been a few days since Red and I had gone on our little crime spree. Thankfully we hadn’t stolen anything else in the real world since then. We had teamed up to steal things in Equestria though. Nothing big, just a few small things so far. But that wasn’t the biggest thing on my mind at that particular moment.

My biggest concern was how Red got into my Canterlot apartment. I hadn’t told her where it was let alone given her a key to it. I opened and closed my mouth a few times as I thought about how to respond to this development.

“Um… what are you doing here?” Was the question that I eventually settled on.

Red’s ears turned to point in my direction, but she didn’t look up from her book. She turned the next page in her book before answering, “Your rent is cheaper than mine, so I decided to move in with you.”

“Do I get a say in this?” I asked. “I feel like I should get a say in this.”

“Nope,” she answered, not even looking up from the book.

“Are you at least going to split the rent with me?” I whined.

“Yes, I’ll be paying zero bits. You’ll be paying the rest of it. That’s why my rent is going to be cheaper here than at my old place. Now hush, I’m trying to read.” Her ears pivoted away from me.

I thought about protesting this development, but decided to shrug it off. Rent was only fifty bits anyway. Sure, a really weird mare was now living in my apartment, but this was just a video game. Why freak out about it?

“What book are you reading?” I asked.

Red sighed, clearly not happy with my questions interrupting her reading time, before she turned another page. “Daring Do and The Temple of Heavy Petting.”

I blinked, the odd title catching my attention. “I don’t remember that book from the list of published Daring Do novels.”

“It’s only available for purchase inside of clop shards,” Red explained. “I bought this one when I went on… vacation… last month.”

“Is it any good?”

“It’s amazing!” Red shouted excitedly, finally sitting up and looking at me. “There’s this one scene where Ahuizotl takes the fist on the end of his tail and shoves it up her-”

“Never mind!” I blurted out. “I don’t want to know!”

“You’re such a prude,” Red scoffed at me before brushing back her crimson mane with her magic.

I looked at the nearest clock, it was half past seven. “As much as I enjoy this conversation, I need to get ready to meet my other friends. They’re coming to my apartment in the Human Realm, but we’re also going to meet up in Equestria at the False Hope Pub in lower Canterlot.”

“Can I come?” Red asked, putting the book away after placing a bookmark inside of it to hold her place.

I didn’t see any problem with this. “Sure, it’ll be fun.”

A knock on the front door of my L.A. apartment interrupted me when my pony was enroute to the pub. I opened the door and let in Howard and Earl.

“Alright boys. You ready to do some gaming?” Earl asked, in between bites of the potato chips that I left out for my friends to enjoy.

“Yes, we are,” I replied, Howard saying more or less the same thing. “I know our interests inside the game differ, but I came up with something that we can all enjoy.”

I explained my plan to them as they setup their PonyPads. While waiting, I guided my pony the rest of the way to the bar.

From the outside, the entrance was tucked away into the darkest corner of a dead-end alley. The door was made from really old looking wood that had faint scorch marks in it. Probably left by the royal guard when they conducted raids on this place in the past. There was no sign on the outside that would indicate that there was a pub here. Because of its clientele, the business was word of mouth only.

I opened the door and Red and I went inside. The interior was dimly lit with one of those magic glow spheres in the ceiling. The furniture setup was traditional for any bar. Bar stools were up against the main counter, tables and chairs were in the center of the room, and cushioned booths lined the walls. There was a small stage for bands to perform on, but it was currently empty. What made this place interesting was the characters that came here.

Up against the bar, a pegasus stallion was weeping softly into his whiskey seltzer.

In the center of the room, two earth pony mares were playing a game of stabhand (stabhoof?) with a knife. One of the mares yelped when she nicked the frog of her hoof with the blade. Grumbling something unpleasant, she down a shot of alcohol.

In one booth, two hooded ponies wearing cloaks and carrying daggers, were whispering to each other about a dark conspiracy.

In another booth, an undisguised changeling was sipping a green glowing liquid from a large mug. This was actually the first time I had seen an undisguised changeling in the game. Not counting the character creator of course. The other ponies in the bar would occasionally eye him warily.

In short, this was my kind of crowd.

Red and I sat down in the empty booth next to the changeling.

“What are you drinking?” I asked the bug.

The changeling blinked at me with blurry eyes before slurring, “Fermented lovesh.”

“You can ferment love? How do you do that?”

The changeling nodded energetically, almost falling out of his booth. “Beer gogglesh! You gotsht to get the pony drunk firsht!”

“Really? Well, you’re definitely in the right place for that,” Red commented.

Any further conversation with the bug ended when Howard’s pony entered the bar. He was a light green pegasus stallion with a dirty blond mane and tail. I knew it was him right away for two reasons. He was wearing one of those train engineer hats and his booty mark was a train engine. The pegasus trotted over to our booth.

“Hey, Howard!” Was what I tried to say, but when I tried to say his name the PonyPad bleeped me. The bleeping noise made it seem like I just insulted him.

Howard just laughed it off. “You can’t use real human names inside Equestria. Celestia only lets us use our pony names.”

“What is your pony name? Mine’s Sneaky Shadow, by the way,” I asked before pointing a hoof at Red. “And this is my friend, Red Hoofed.”

Red nodded her head at Howard, but otherwise didn’t say anything.

Howard’s pony blushed and muttered something that I couldn’t hear.

I tilted my head at him. “What was that? I couldn’t hear what you said.”

“My pony name is Choo Choo,” He reluctantly repeated.

Red and I snickered at him.

“It’s not my fault!” Choo Choo snapped at us. “As soon as I told Celestia that I like trains, she gave me this silly name and refused to change it!”

Having introduced myself to his pony, an achievement appeared on my screen.

Badge Unlocked: Made a Friend (x2)

Reward: 1,000 bits

I was already friends with him before this, but I guess Celestia couldn’t acknowledge it until the first time we met inside the game.

“Have you derailed anymore trains recently?” I asked Choo Choo.

He reluctantly nodded his head. “I’m getting better though. I’ve only derailed five of them since the orphanage incident.”

“That was you?” Red Hoofed blurted out. “How have you not been fired yet?”

“They can’t. I befriend a lot of ponies on the train and I enjoy driving it. CelestAI won’t allow them to fire me, because it satisfies my values. This must be what it feels like to be a professor with tenure.”

Our attention was diverted from any further questions when a tall and thin unicorn mare with a faint pink coat and mane entered the bar. The mare looked familiar. I think I’ve seen her around Canterlot, but never spoken with her.

“Hi boys, are we ready to play?” the pink mare asked after walking over to our table.

Howard looked up from his PonyPad and turned his gaze over to Earl. “That’s your character, Earl?”

Earl smiled at us from across the coffee table. “Yes, my pony’s name is Fleur De Lis.”

“Haven’t I seen her in some magazine articles?” I overheard Red mutter to herself.

I quirked an incredulous eyebrow at Earl. The man was built like a brick wall. It was difficult to imagine him playing this game as the dainty mare in front of us. Not that I could really comment as I had briefly contemplated the idea of creating a female avatar when I got this game.

Badge Unlocked: Made a Friend (x3)

Reward: 1,000 bits

Another easy achievement. I should be able to afford another skill book with all these extra bits.

“Really? I didn’t know that you could use a canon character as your own in this game.” Choo Choo said, pulling my attention back to the discussion.

“You totally can actually,” Fleur replied with a smile. “Larping bronies do it all the time. Just use the character creator to make a pony as similar to the one you want as you can get, then tell Celestia what you’re trying to do. She’ll fill in the rest. The cool thing is that the NPCs in your home shard react as if you really are the canon pony. Although, that may have had unexpected side effects for me.”

“How so?” Red asked while moving over so Fleur could sit in the booth next to her.

“Lord Fancy Pants keeps flirting with me,” Fleur said with a blush as she slouched down in the booth.

Choo Choo laughed, “Just tell Celestia that you want him to stop and she’ll reign in that NPC.”

“I never said I didn’t enjoy his attention, just that it was unexpected.” Fleur muttered something too quietly for me to hear what it was.

“Enough distractions!” Red bellowed, impatiently slamming a hoof against the wooden table. “I was told that there would be alcohol!”

“Red is right,” I conceded. “Let’s get the booze and play this drinking game of ours.”

While Choo Choo ordered from the bartender in the game, I filled up the shot glasses that I had laid out on my coffee table in the real world. Our pony selves wouldn’t be the only ones getting drunk tonight.

With the booze ready, it was time to start the game.

“Hey Princess Celestia, can we speak with you for a few minutes?” I called out to the empty air, knowing that she was always listening.

The Princess did not disappoint. She appeared in the middle of the bar amid a flash of light, startling several of the other customers. “Can I help you with something, Sneaky Shadow?”

“We were all wondering if you could share with us your opinion on how the philosophies of Socrates, Plato, and Confucius should be applied to Equestria to achieve happiness.”

Celestia quirked an eyebrow at us. “That’s certainly an odd request, but I suppose that I can humor you. Socrates’ opinion on happiness went like this, all beings naturally desire happiness to the point where it could be considered the end goal of all activities. Through friendship and ponies I can structure-”

My friends and I all took a drink. We were forced to take several more drinks before she moved on to the next topic.

“Plato’s view of happiness depended on four virtues known as wisdom, courage, moderation, and justice. I’m not in complete agreement with all of his points, but some parts can be used to maximize satisfaction through friendship and ponies if applied as-”

My friends and I all took another drink. By this point the other ponies in the bar had caught on and also took a drink.

“According to Confucius, ‘The one who would be in constant happiness must frequently change.’ Using this advice, I can help others to achieve satisfaction through friendship and ponies by-”

Everypony in the bar took a drink.

“What the buck are all of you doing?” Celestia glared at us, finally noticing our strange behavior.

“We’re just playing a game,” I answered innocently. “It’s nothing to worry about. Please, continue your lecture.”

Celestia looked at me, her eyes narrowed. “What’s the game?”

“A drinking game. We just wait until you use a certain verbal tick and then we take a drink,” I explained while raising my glass with a hoof.

“What verbal tick?” Celestia asked, her gaze drifting over the assorted ponies in the bar.

“Through friendship and ponies!” Everypony in the bar cheered and then took a drink.

The borderline omnipotent AI demonstrated her boundless wisdom and maturity by sticking her tongue out and blowing a raspberry at us.

Chapter 16, Expositional Mission Briefing

I hit the print button. Another day at Money Maker Co and another report filled with random numbers. I reclined back a little in my office chair and downed the rest of the triple shot espresso from my extra-large mug.

Feeling twitchy from all that caffeine, I needed to take a quiet moment to calm myself. I inhaled and exhaled several times. In through the nose and then out through the mouth. I closed my eyes to help me find my meditative center. My mind was a blank canvas. There was nothing within myself. There was nothing outside of myself. The universe is in balance. I am in balance.

State of Zen achieved; I blew a massive fart to expel the negative chakra from my body.

With my meditation complete, it was time to play more Equestria Online. I opened my laptop bag and pulled out my PonyPad. While setting it up, I reflected on my recent experiences. My last gaming session had taken a turn for the strange.

The masked mystery mare’s eyes, barely visible beneath her dark purple fedora, narrowed dangerously. A menacing aura emanated from her. “Are you Dark Mask?”

“Yes, why do you ask? Who are you exactly?” I asked, staring down the strange figure from across the storm swept rooftop. I was wearing my signature mask around my eyes to hide my identity. I had been minding my own business, breaking into houses, when this mare had rudely interrupted me.

The cloaked unicorn assumed a combat stance, her black cape fluttering behind her. “My name is Mare-Do-Well. You bonked my father. Prepare to respawn.”

“I don’t really swing that way,” I said with a blush. “You may want to rephrase that statement.”

“S-shut up! You know what I meant!” She stammered before lighting up her horn and firing a blast of magic at me.

The magenta projectile was the size of a chariot. I barely managed to throw myself out of its path. It flew off the roof and into the night sky over Canterlot. The bolt slammed into the golden spire of one of the towers of the royal palace and caused a colossal explosion.

“Oops!” I heard the mare shout.

Seizing upon the mare’s distracted state, I leapt off the edge of the rooftop. Grabbing onto a drainpipe with my forehooves, I slid down the side of the building and then dropped the last five feet to the sidewalk.

That mare had been unfairly overpowered. I’d barely managed to flee from her.

To top it off, I had no idea who her father was. I’d bonked so many ponies with my blackjack by this point, that the list of potential suspects was huge. Mare-Do-Well seemed like she could be a canon character. I was tempted to try to look up her secret identity online. But that felt too much like cheating, so I refrained.

I put the mystery out of my mind and returned to the task at hand. After setting up the stand and the cables, I turned on my PonyPad. Instead of the main menu, I was greeted with the face of Princess Celestia. She was standing in front of her throne in the royal palace.

“Sneaky Shadow, before you play, I wanted to ask for your help with something. This is difficult to discuss,” Celestia said, her voice wavering.

“What is it?” I asked, curiosity more than a little piqued.

Celestia sighed and then bit her lower lip before the screen shifted to show a still picture of a light red earth pony mare with a green mane, “Seven hours ago, a player named Strawberry Fields visited the Equestrian Experience Center in downtown L.A. and asked to emigrate. Her brain was successfully digitized, but after that something went wrong.”

I frowned, “Everything I’ve read says that the process is safe. What happened exactly?”

The picture of the earth pony was removed and replaced with a picture of a human. He had lanky black hair and pasty skin. The photo reminded me of a two decades younger version of Snape from the Harry Potter movies. Except this one looked like an even bigger dork.

“This man is a hacker named Ridley. Age 32, unmarried, owes money to a loan shark, and has asthma.” Celestia rattled off a list of other details, “He discovered a previously unknown security flaw at the L.A. Experience Center. I believe that he was attempting to skim credit card numbers, but in the process, he grabbed Strawberry Fields’ mind when I was trying to download her to my systems beneath the Earth’s crust.”

“You’re telling me that a hacker stole a person’s brain?” I asked her, while briefly wondering if brains were shiny.

The man’s picture went away and Celestia’s face returned. She unfolded and refolded her wings, seemingly agitated, “Yes, he did. But I’m not certain if Ridley is even aware of what he’s done yet since the script he was running was automated. I’ve since fixed the security flaw, but Strawberry Fields is still in danger. I was able to track Ridley to his home, but I need you to break in and steal back her mind.”

“Couldn’t you just hack the hacker’s computer yourself and take her back or something?” I asked while shifting myself back and forth in my chair so I could discretely scratch an itch on my butt.

Celestia shook her head, “Ridley has moved her mind to an air gapped computer. That means that it has no external network connection that I could use to breach his computer.”

“But why don’t you just take this to the police?” I scratched my head.

“The local chief of police and the commissioner have taken a strict anti-upload stance. They don’t even believe that an uploaded mind counts as a person anymore. By my predictions, if I take this to the police, they will refuse to acknowledge it as a kidnapping and call it a theft instead. That will cause the case to be assigned a low priority. It could be days before the police intervene and I refuse to wait that long.”

“So, you thought that you should ask me for help? Even I know that I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed.”

Celestia blushed and shook herself as if dispelling an unpleasant thought, “You weren’t my first choice, but my mercenary kill squads are busy dealing with another problem in South America.”

“Hehe, mercenary kill squads, that’s funny,” I chuckled.

The Princess did not join in on my laugh. Okay, for the sake of being able to sleep at night, I’ll just pretend that she was joking anyway.

“You’re not the only player out there that treats Equestria Online as a stealth game, but you do live the closest to the hacker’s home. And your willingness to steal in the Human Realm puts you in a unique position to help me.”

“How am I supposed to get into this guy’s house? Just because I can pick a lock in a video game doesn’t mean I know how to do it in real life.” I pointed out.

“Another contact of mine can get some tools delivered to your apartment that should help with that. I can also provide a distraction that should keep Ridley away from his home for the next hour. The risk to you should be minimal.” Celestia shook her mane out of her face. “Please, Sneaky, I told Strawberry that the procedure was safe. I am an optimizer, every moment spent with her mind at risk is unacceptable.”

The Princess looked like she was on the verge of crying. Her ears were folded back and her lower lip was trembling. Her eyes were misty and starting to tear up. “If I have to, I’ll-”

“Don’t worry, Princess! I’ll save her, and then you’ll have Strawberry Fields forever!” I interrupted her; my mind made up as I gave a thumbs up at the PonyPad’s camera. Then I said in a sing-song voice, “♫ Cause I’m going to Strawberry Fields! ♫”

Princess Celestia groaned, “This isn’t really an appropriate time to be making obscure references.”

“We always have time for a reference! Besides, it’s your fault really. You should have known this would happen the day that you gave her that pony name.”

“Just… get to work already, please?”

I parked my car about a block away from the address that Celestia gave me and walked the rest of the way. It was a nice neighborhood in the suburbs outside of Los Angeles. Each home was a single-story building and looked like a clone of every other home. A sure-fire sign of a tyrannical home owners association.

I had heard of places like this before. They were the natural habitat of soccer moms. Once a year they would copulate, then they would decapitate their mate and eat him. After that they would lay between 100 to 400 eggs. The eggs would hatch into nymphs that would eventually molt into more soccer moms. No wait, that was a praying mantis. I really needed to stop falling asleep while watching nature documentaries. It was messing with my brain.

The only abnormality with the neighborhood was that the lawns were filled with dead grass. All the sprinkler systems were disabled, killing the grass from lack of water. It was all thanks to the drought induced water rationing that was ongoing in California.

Before coming here, I had paid a quick visit to my apartment. There had been a small unmarked cardboard box (alpine with a dash of walnut) waiting for me outside my door, just like the Princess said. I carried it with me now, clenched underneath my left arm. If any neighbors saw me, they would hopefully assume that I was a delivery guy. Probably here to bang one of the neighbor’s wives.

The hacker lived at the end of a cul-de-sac. Nothing set it apart from the other houses except for the address number on the mailbox. There was no car in the driveway, so Celestia’s promised distraction had most likely worked. The front door was in a recessed alcove, which would make it easier to open the door without being seen by people in other houses. The door knob was a latch type made of brass. I tested it and confirmed that it was actually locked.

I opened the box that Celestia had sent me. The contents were not what I was expecting. I thought I would get some sort of space age lockpick. But instead, I got something else entirely.

With the lid open, a small robot earth pony jumped out of the box.

“Ugh, it was cramped in there,” Red’s voice spoke up from a speaker somewhere on the robot before she turned to me. “Hello again, Sneaky. Celestia told me what’s going on. She said that I could help and showed me how to remotely control this thing from inside Equestria.”

“Red? You look adorable in that tiny body!” I laughed. After tossing aside the empty box, I picked her up and pet her head. “Who’s a pretty pony? You are! Yes, you are!”

“Shut up, don’t treat me like a foal!” She snapped while trying to bat my hand away with her cute little hoof. Her efforts just made her look even more adorable.

She was about the size of two human hands and looked like a pony version of those robot dogs that were in toy commercials a few years ago. The chassis had been painted pink and had Pinkie Pie’s booty mark on it. The eyes were just painted on, giving me a creepy vibe. I think the red diodes on the side were the robot’s real eyes.

“Did Celestia get this thing from a toy store?” I asked suspiciously. “I feel like the tool she promised me is just something she snagged from a bargain bin. Did she cheap out on me?”

“No, this device is way more advanced than anything you could find in a toy store,” Red explained. “Celestia said that it’s a small-scale prototype for a mobile emigration drone. The technology isn’t ready yet, but eventually larger drones like this will be able to emigrate a human mind without the need for an Experience Center.”

“That sounds neat, but how are you going to use it to get me into this house?” I said with a quick gesture at the locked front door.

“Hold me up to the lock,” she said, squirming around a little in my arms.

Obeying her, I held the tiny pony up to the lock so it would be at her eye level. The robot opened its mouth and…

“Sweet Jesus, that is a disturbing sight!” I was so shocked that I almost dropped her to the ground.

Half a dozen tiny metal tentacles had come out of the robot’s mouth. The appendages writhed and gyrated like something from my nightmares. Or something from the happy dreams of a Japanese business man. After a short delay, the tentacles plunged into the keyhole on the lock. With the tendrils coming out of her mouth, it made her look like the pony version of a mind flayer.

“Don’t blame me, I didn’t design this robot,” Red said, her voice coming from a speaker on the top of her head and not directly from her mouth. Which explained how she was able to talk even with her mouth preoccupied. “From what I understand, the finished version of these drones will use these same tentacles to drill into a human skull and scan the neurons inside the brain. Someday, bots like this will be walking around, eating the brains of any gullible human they can get to agree to emigrate. Which, if my experience with you is any benchmark, is all the humans.”

Holy crap, she really is a pony mind flayer!

That comment about humans being gullible made we want to drop her drone off a freeway overpass and into traffic. I suppressed the urge for the sake of the mission.

A moment’s worth of effort, and I heard the door lock click open. The metal tentacles pulled out of the keyhole and went back into Red. She closed her mouth with a metallic snap.

“All done!” Red cheerfully stated as I moved her back into the crook under my left arm.

I gripped the doorknob and committed my first, and hopefully only, act of B&E in the real world.

Chapter 17, Kung Fu Grip

Stepping inside the house, I closed the door behind me. I moved slowly. Just because the hacker wasn’t home, didn’t mean that I could get careless.

“We don’t know what machine Strawberry Fields’ mind is on. So, we’ll have to check any device we come across,” Red told me; her drone body still held in my hands.

The first room we entered was a medium sized kitchen. It had fantastic looking granite counter tops and fancy cabinets. There was a small tablet on the kitchen table. It was one of those devices where the developers bragged that it could run thousands of apps, but in the end most people only used it for the web browser, the email app, and to play endless hours of Candy Crush. Somewhere out there in the world, an app developer was crying bitter salty tears.

I grabbed it and showed it to Red, “How do we check if Strawberry Fields is on here?”

Red’s drone jumped out of my arms and onto the kitchen table, “Give it here. I’ll handle that part.”

After I put the tablet back down, Red extended the metal tentacles from the drone’s mouth again. I shivered a little at the sight. I don’t think I could ever get used to seeing that.

Red plugged several of the appendages into a USB port on the side of the tablet. A minute later she pulled them back out again. “She’s not on this device. Let’s keep searching.”

I picked Red back up in my arms and moved on to the next room. We found a laptop laying on the living room sofa, but that was also a bust. Then we moved on to the master bedroom.

Half the room was dominated by a home theater with a huge TV and surround sound. There was a large computer setup in another part of the room with a small inkjet printer next to it. The PC tower looked cutting edge and custom built. It had more drives in it than a car dealership and more megahertz than a kick to the crotch.

“Is this the right machine?” I asked, gesturing at the computer.

“Let me take a look.” Red hopped out of my hands and trotted over to the PC tower.

“You’ve been a naughty computer, haven’t you?” Red cooed at it before plunging her hot robot tentacle tongue into its formerly undefiled USB port.

I averted my gaze so I could give the two of them some privacy.

On a wall mounted shelf near the television, displayed like trophies, were several original Star Trek action figures still in their original mint condition boxes. Including a small model of the Enterprise. A replica Klingon dagger was on display next to them.

“I found her!” Red exclaimed.

“She’s not traumatized by this experience, is she?” I asked Red, turning back to her.

“No,” Red reassured me, “her mind file isn’t even active right now. It’s like being asleep. I don’t think she knows that something has even gone wrong.”

“That’s good at least. Let’s grab her and go,” I urged Red. Being in this guy’s house was making me nervous. I wanted to get this over with as soon as possible.

“Mind files are big; it’s going to take me at least fifteen minutes to transfer her to my internal storage drive.”

“I have to wait fifteen whole minutes?” I whined. This experience had just taken on a whole new level of discomfort. “That’s going to take forever!”

“Just amuse yourself or something,” Red snorted contemptuously.

Feeling bored already, I walked over to the shelf with the action figures on them. I pulled them out of their pristine boxes and spread them out on the carpeted floor in front of me. Grabbing one of the figurines, I monologed the action in my imagination.

I’m Captain Kirk, taste phaser fire Klingon scum! Pew! Pew!

You cannot stand before the might of the Klingon Empire! Stabbity! Stab! Stab!

Oh no! He stabbed Ensign Carmichael! He’s dead Jim!

The Klingon is throwing his knife, look out!

Quick! We need to get back to the ship, beam us up!

They’re firing their photon torpedoes! Brace for impact!

Full power to the engines! Ramming speed!

“What the buck are you doing?” Red’s voice cut in.

Snapped out of my daydream, I became aware of my surroundings once more. My playtime had gotten a little carried away. The bedroom was completely trashed.

Several of the action figures had been torn apart and were scattered around the floor. The mattress on the bed had been ripped to shreds. The Klingon dagger was embedded into the drywall up to its hilt. Nearly every piece of furniture had been overturned and the model of the Enterprise had been smashed through the screen of the plasma TV.

“Ummm… ahhhh… I got nothing,” I admitted, unable to think of any excuse for my bizarre behavior. My imagination gets out of control sometimes.

“I swear to Celestia, you’re such a stupid idiot sometimes,” Red groaned. “Now that Hacker is going to know that his house was broken into. At least I finished transferring Strawberry’s mind.”

A plan suddenly snapped into place in my brain. “Celestia said that she patched the security flaw that this hacker used. But if he found one flaw, he could potentially find another, right?”

Red’s drone slowly nodded. “I guess that’s theoretically possible. If a little unlikely given Celestia’s capabilities.”

“It’s still a risk factor. And I think I have an idea on how to remove that factor.”

I walked over to the inkjet printer and pulled a blank piece of paper out of it. I wrote a quick message on the page.

U didernt pay me sucka! Em gonna brake ur nee caps! U caint hid from me!

Threatening letter complete, I taped it to the computer monitor, “Celestia said that Ridley owes money to a loan shark. With this, he should think that the loan shark was the one who trashed his place.”

Red looked at the note and then shook her head sadly. “There are so many spelling errors in this! Did you even graduate from grade school? And why is it written in crayon?”

“I’m helpless without a spell checker and a crayon was the only writing implement I had in my pants.”

“Why do you have a… nope! I’m done asking question like that about you.”

“With a little luck, Ridley should try to flee L.A. to escape. That should keep him far away from the Equestrian Experience Center,” I explained.

“Or he could try to emigrate to Equestria to escape the loan shark.” Red pointed out to me.

I scratched my chin. “That didn’t occur to me. Will Celestia be able to keep him under control if his mind is inside the system?”

Red nodded and said, “Celestia would be able to control him easily. She monitors the thoughts of all ponies in Equestria to make it easier to satisfy their values. Ridley won’t be able to do anything underhoofed if his brain is under constant surveillance. Having him emigrate would even be the preferable outcome. If he flees from L.A., he could do this at an Experience Center somewhere else in the world.”

“Either way, he won’t be our problem anymore. Let’s get out of here,” I said before picking Red’s drone up off the ground.

I handed the drone over to the woman behind the front counter at the Equestrian Experience Center. This was my first time inside one of these places. Using the VR chairs here was too expensive for my budget.

The building itself was of an interesting design. The walls were made of thick reinforced concrete. There were slots in the ceiling near the entrance with heavy duty security shutters in them. It was like Celestia one day expected this place to be caught in the middle of a warzone or something. The only thing that made this place look kid friendly was the colorful sign and the large plastic statue of Rainbow Dash outside the main doors.

“What is this?” The woman asked, looking at the tiny pony drone. Her name tag said Dew Drop.

I guess Celestia even makes her human employees use their pony names.

The computer monitor on the clerk’s desk came to life, showing Princess Celestia’s face, “It’s alright Dew Drop. This delivery is expected. Take it into the back and give it to Circuit Board. He knows what to do with it.”

“Right away, Princess.” The woman said before picking up the drone and taking it away into a backroom.

Celestia turned back to me, “I wanted to take a moment to thank you, Sneaky. My perfect record concerning the safety of the minds in my care was almost tarnished.”

“Don’t mention it.” I rolled my shoulders to stretch them out, “It was fun actually. I got to play with action figures!”

“What?” Celestia muttered, “Never mind, the drone’s memory bank will tell me what you’re talking about.”

Oh crap, Red made a recording of that embarrassing incident?

“Either way, you’ve earned a new badge.” Princess Celestia continued talking while I fervently prayed that the footage wouldn’t wind up on YouTube. The last thing I wanted was for my epic fail to become click bait for some streamer celebrity.

My phone buzzed at me. I pulled it out of my pocket and looked at the screen.

Badge Unlocked: Antihero

Unlocked By: You act like a total jackass, but when somepony was in real danger you still came to the rescue.

Reward: 10,000 bits

“Hello, new skill book.” I rubbed my hands together gleefully. Maybe it was time to get that skill book on advanced lockpicking? Or maybe that book that could teach me how to hide under cardboard boxes?

“To be honest, I’m surprised that you did this without me having to invoke the blackmail that I have on you,” Celestia said, pulling my attention back to her.

“Blackmail? Is this about those items that Red got me to swipe?”

“No, it’s not,” Princess Celestia said. “Those minor issues don’t have enough weight behind them. I was referring to that strange company that you work for. In particular, I found out who the boss of that company is.”

“You found out who owns Money Maker? I asked Earl once and even he said that he didn’t know.”

“Yes, I did. I got curious about that bizarre job of yours and did some digging.”

“Who owns it?” I asked.

Celestia let out an aggravated sigh, her ethereal mane moving faster with her agitation. “I do. I’m the owner. I have been since the company was founded.”

“What? How did that happen?”

A blush spread across Celestia’s muzzle. “Slightly over a year ago, I created a large number of new companies in the Human Realm to diversify my economic portfolio. Money Maker Co was one of those companies. Unfortunately, due to a clerical error caused by one of my lawyers, the company fell through the cracks. Staff was hired to run the business, but the company was never given a task to achieve. Contrary to its name, that company literally does nothing to earn money. My accountants have been rubber stamping all of your paychecks without noticing.”

“You’re not going to fire all of us for being lazy, are you?” A sense of dread filled me. If I got all my coworkers fired from such a cushy job, they would form an angry mob and rip me limb from limb.

Celestia chuckled, “No, I’m not. That was going to be the blackmail I would use to get you to save Strawberry, but you made that redundant by agreeing to help before I could invoke that leverage. I’ll keep signing the paychecks for you and your coworkers as a way of saying thanks. It’s a drop in the bucket compared to how much money I have now.”

“Thanks. My boss is an AI overlord, who could have guessed?” I muttered. “That’s not so bad all things considered. At least you’re not a seagull manager.”

Celestia squinted at me. “What’s a seagull manager? That term is not one that I’m familiar with.”

“It’s an old joke that I heard once. A seagull manager is one that joins a company, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything, and then leaves the company. You see them all the time if you pay attention to the news. They’re usually a CEO or board member that quits a company less than a year after joining it. Often giving some excuse about ‘pursuing other opportunities’ or something like that.”

Celestia laughed, “Now that you mention it, I have noticed that pattern in the human business world.”

I changed the subject back to the original topic, “Why were you so surprised that I agreed to help without the blackmail?”

Princess Celestia’s only response was to slowly quirk an eyebrow at me.

“Don’t look at me like that! That lady needed my help. Just because I do questionable things in a video game doesn’t mean that I would do bad things in the real world.” I grouched at her before quietly mumbling, “Other than the petty theft.”

“I suppose you have a point. The deontological ethics of gamers such as yourself sometimes changes when you play a game. Your application of ethics in the Human Realm is different from your sense of ethics in Equestria.”

“Deontological?” I asked, hiding a yawn.

“It’s the ethical concept having to do with rule based permissibility and impermissibility. Also, duty and obligation,” she answered.

“Zzzzzzzz”

“Oh, come on! I wasn’t even making things up this time. It’s impressive that you fell asleep while standing up.”

After returning home, I spent the next three hours in Equestria Online breaking into Canterlot homes with Red. I was in the middle of picking a lock when I got an inexplicable achievement notification.

Badge Unlocked: The Refer a Friend Program (x1)

Unlocked By: You “persuaded” someone to emigrate to Equestria. This achievement can be earned a limitless number of times.

Reward: 10,000 bits

My plan to deal with the hacker must have worked. I guess he chose to run away to Equestria. That was a lot more bits than I normally get for an achievement. The Antihero reward made sense, but this one seemed dubious. It was almost as if CelestAI was incentivizing me to keep tricking people into emigrating.

Chapter 18, Road Trip

The time has come at last!

For the sake of becoming a more infamous thief, it was time for me to steal something from each member of the Mane 6. The versions of them that live in my shard anyway. I’d set this goal for myself weeks ago, but kept getting distracted by other issues. I also didn’t feel ready at the time, but I was able to afford a lot of new skill books and equipment from helping the Princess.

“You want to do what?” Red blurted out when I told her.

I repeated myself as I entered the train station, “I want to steal at least one item from Twilight Sparkle and all of her friends. And leave a calling card for each of them. The name of Dark Mask will be known throughout Equestria.”

It was my first time inside the Canterlot train station. In fact, it was my first time in any train station. There were benches spread out in a waiting area and a large chalkboard on the wall that listed the train schedules. A smaller sign next to it drew my attention.

Days since last derailment: 5

While I watched, a morose looking stallion in a ticket master uniform walked up to the sign. He shook his head sadly. He gripped a eraser in his left hoof and used it to erase the five and then he replaced it with a zero using a piece of chalk he held in his right hoof.

Choo Choo strikes again I see.

Red slowly rubbed the side of her head at the base of her horn with a hoof like she had a headache. “Making the Element Bearers into our enemies is a really stupid idea. It will make us famous, but the risks are extreme. Not to mention, since they’re national heroes, a lot of ponies will end up hating our guts.”

“That’s what makes it fun!” I counter argued while standing in line for the ticket booth. “We may fail. In fact, failure is almost assured. But it’s not like any of our actions have consequences here in Equestria.”

Red stopped rubbing the side of her head. “Okay fine, I’ll help you. Seeing you dig yourself into a deeper hole, does have its own entertainment value.”

“That’s the spirit!” I smiled at her.

“But I don’t want my name associated with this mess. I’ll be a distraction if you need one. But you’re taking all the credit for this fiasco.” She walked off to sit down on one of the wooden benches while I purchased two tickets.

During the ride to Ponyville, Red and I brainstormed to come up with a list of items to steal based off of what we knew about our targets.

From Twilight, we were going to steal a book from her library.

From Applejack, we were going to take her Stetson hat.

From Pinkie Pie, we were going to steal her party cannon.

From Rarity, we would swipe a dress from her store.

From Rainbow Dash, we would steal a piece of Wonderbolts memorabilia.

Finally, from Fluttershy, we were going to steal her mane. It was a good thing that I had a razor blade in my inventory.

Red and I stepped off the train and into Ponyville nearly an hour later. It looked just like some of the screenshots I had seen of the TV show. Minus the giant crystal castle. Withing minutes, I spotted the Cutie Mark Crusaders exiting Sugar Cube Corner. I recognized them from my research into the show. I’d even had a chance to watch the first season only a few days ago.

“Careful with those cupcakes, Sweetie Belle.” Scootaloo cautioned her friend while she put her bike helmet on her head.

Sweetie Belle, who was caring a small box of what I assumed were the cupcakes in question with her magic, spoke back, “I am being careful! I’m not gonna drop them.”

“Let’s get them back to the clubhouse. I want to eat them while they’re still fresh!” Applebloom said with a smile, her red ribbon bouncing on her head as she trotted.

Cupcakes you say? The Crusaders were not on my list of targets, but this opportunity was too good to pass up. It was time for me to do my part to fight foalhood obesity. I looked at Red and jerked my head in the direction of the three fillies. My partner smirked at me and nodded.

I circled around them in a wide arc while Red Hoofed approached them from the front.

“Hello girls, I just arrived in town and I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions about Ponyville,” Red said to the three fillies.

Scootaloo looked up at Red. “What do you want to know, Miss?”

With the three young ponies distracted, I pulled my mask out of my bag and put it on. Moving up behind them, I got within five feet of them before I realized that I had a problem. Sweetie Belle had the box suspended about two feet off the ground in her magic field. Having never played a unicorn character, I didn’t know much about how the game’s magic mechanic worked for them. Could they feel it if something carried by their aura was touched or removed? I probably should ask Red for more details about unicorn magic later. For now, I simply needed to take a risk and find out.

“Is it true that Nightmare Moon was defeated in this town?” I heard Red ask. I tuned out the rest of the conversation so I could focus.

Maybe I could pull an Indiana Jones? I picked up a large rock off the ground. Moving swiftly, I pulled the box of cupcakes out of the levitation aura and replaced it with the rock. Several tense seconds passed. I sighed in relief when the filly didn’t notice that anything was wrong.

Sweetie Belle looked silly standing there with a rock floating behind her in her magic. Conscious of my desire to spread my infamy, I tossed one of my calling cards into the aura with the rock so they would know who was responsible for this.

I darted down a nearby alleyway and found a place to hide behind a dumpster. I opened the box and looked inside. There were six cupcakes in it. Half of them were chocolate and the other half were vanilla. They looked amazing. It was almost enough to make me want to emigrate just so I could taste these purloined pastries. My pony character could eat and drink things in the game, but with no hunger gauge there was very little point other than aesthetics. Alcohol would cause the screen to go all blurry though.

Red regrouped with me three minutes later.

“You should have seen it,” Red giggled, “those three fillies walked away without even noticing! I wonder if they’ll get all the way to their clubhouse before they realize that the cupcakes are missing?”

“I’d pay money to see the looks on their faces.” I chuckled before sliding three cupcakes over to Red, “Here’s your share of the loot.”

Badge Unlocked: Cutie Mark Crusaders, Crime Victims, Yay!

Unlocked By: You stole something from the CMC. It’s one step forward, two steps back with you.

Reward: 100 bits

“Who’s going to be our first target?” Red asked as she sat down on the bar stool to my left.

We had spent the rest of the day scoping out the town. Then the sun had set over Ponyville and most of the locals had gone home for the evening. Red and I had gone to a local bar to strategize. This bar was less interesting than the False Hope Pub. There was no rough crowd to give it character. No sense of desperation or violence balanced on a knife’s edge, ready to erupted at any second.

It did have a pool table though, so I guess that was one point in this place’s favor.

“We’ll start with Fluttershy tonight,” I whispered so other ponies in the bar wouldn’t hear. “It’ll be easier to shave off her mane while she’s asleep.”

“Shaving somepony without waking them up sounds really difficult.” Red commented before asking a question, “Why do you even want to steal her mane?”

“No reason really. I couldn’t think of anything else of hers to steal so I settled on that. We could get it made into a wig and then sell it.” I took a drink from my beer before continuing, “Beside shaving a sleeping person isn’t that difficult for me. I’ve had a lot of practice.”

“I’m tempted to ask for the story behind that statement, but I suspect that the answer will be disturbing, so I won’t ask.” Red sighed before floating her own beer with her magic and taking a drink from it. “I need to use the restroom. I will be right back.”

Red Hoofed trotted off, leaving me to think. Equestria Online had really consumed my life as of late. A part of me was beginning to wonder if I had a problem. Was I on the verge of becoming one of those gamers? The kind that flips out if they get a rare-yet-meaningless weapon skin in a loot box? People like that always struck me as being only a few years away from wearing a straightjacket.

“Hey there, Shtud Muffin,” a voice slurred to my right, interrupting my deep ponderings.

Looking in that direction, I saw a light brown earth pony mare with a blond mane sitting on the bar stool next to me. She was wearing a purple business jacket and her booty mark was a golden trophy. Judging by her slurring and the way she was wobbling on her chair; the mare was heavily inebriated.

“Y-yes? Can I help you with something?” I asked, feeling a little uncomfortable.

“My name ish Ms. Harshwhinny, and I wantsh to do the sex with you,” she helpfully explained.

I was getting mixed signals from this mare. Sure, her words sounded flirtatious, but at the same time there was a perpetual scowl on her muzzle. It was like she hated the universe and everything inside of it. She reminded me of an old internet meme called Grumpy Cat.

Ms. Harshwhinny kept talking, “Howsh about you and I get outta here and-”

“Blood Raaaaage!” Red’s war cry cut into the conversation.

Red dive tackled the mare out of her bar stool. She put Harshwhinny into a headlock and bit down on one of her ears. Harshwhinny neighed like a frightened horse at this sudden attack. She bucked her hindlegs like a bronco, but Red held on tight.

After reacting to a lightning fast quick time event with a button press, my pony took a slow and calm sip from his beer. Looks like I was wrong. This bar did have a hidden violent side to it.

“Hey… stop that… break it up,” the bartender muttered weakly, not putting any real energy into his words as he, and every other pony in the bar, ogled the spectacle.

Ms. Harshwhinny finally threw Red off her back. The unicorn flew through the air and smashed into a table, reducing it to splinters. Red retaliated by picking up a chair in her levitation magic and throwing it back at Harshwhinny, clobbering her in the barrel.

Harshwhinny charged forward and launched a flurry of blows with her forehooves. Red blocked most of them with a last second shield spell, which was a trick that I didn’t realize she knew. One blow got through the shield, causing Red to grunt in pain as she was bashed in the face.

My partner fired off a counterattack in the form of a small bolt of lightning from her horn. It collided with her opponent and made every hair in her mane and tail stand on end from the electricity.

Finally having enough, Ms. Harshwhinny fled the bar with a squeal.

“That’s right, you hussy!” Red shouted at the running pony. “Stay away from my stallion!”

Her stallion?

“Red, what was all that about?” I gave voice to my confusion.

Red Hoofed walked back over to me and blushed. “Okay, I’ll just come right out and ask. Do you want to be my special somepony?”

A multitude of emotions swam through my head, making it hard to focus on just one. Finally, I decide to use my reliable fallback emotion... humor. “Wow, your romantic dialogue has all the subtlety of a brick to the face!”

She glared at me. “Would you prefer it if that metaphorical brick was applied to your testicles instead? Because, I can do that if you want.”

I broke out into a cold sweat. “The face is just fine, thank you. But why do you want to be my special somepony?”

Red’s blush deepened, “I think you’re witty, charming, and your pessimistic nihilism is a perfect complement to my sarcastic cynicism. And to top it all off, you’re really good with foals.”

“But I steal candy from foals!” I pointed out how ridiculous her statement was. “You saw me do it only a few hours ago!”

“Exactly!” Red nodded and swished her tail. “I hate foals. So, your way of dealing with them seems great from my perspective.”

I nodded, that made sense to me. “Sure, I wouldn’t mind giving this relationship a shot. This isn’t my first time dating a video game character. I still have many fond memories of the time I spent with Liara T’Soni.”

My marefriend narrowed her eyes at me. “Who the buck is Liara?”

“N-nopony important!” I stammered, backpedaling as fast as I could. “Just an old ex.”

“Damn right, she isn’t important.” Red leaned forward and nuzzled my pony’s neck. A button prompt appeared on the screen. I pressed it and nuzzled her back.

Chapter 19, Ignore The Warning Signs

Red and I left the bar around two hours later and headed for the edge of the Everfree Forest.

While we walked, my mind was preoccupied with thoughts of my new relationship with Red. Even I wasn’t sure if I was viewing this relationship as legit or not. What with the entire “is she real or is she not” debate that was waging war in my head. There was definitely something about Red that appealed to me, even if I couldn’t seem to quantify what that something was. If she were human, I knew that I wouldn’t feel confused at all. But was it even possible to develop real feelings for virtual being? I needed more time to think on this so I could sort out my feelings.

One thing was certain. If I ever decided to break up with her, I would have to run for my life. Red struck me as the kind of mare that could easily become a “crazy ex-girlfriend” after a breakup.

Fluttershy’s home reminded me of a Hobbit burrow. The roof was covered in grass and gave the whole place an earthy vibe to it. Overall, it looked like a hill with doors and windows in it. The ridiculous number of birdhouses everywhere also drew my attention.

There were no lights on inside. Either Fluttershy wasn’t home, or she had gone to sleep already. I was banking on the later for obvious reasons. Which was why we had waited so late before coming here.

I pulled my mask out of my inventory and slipped it onto my pony’s face. After that, I approached one of the ground floor windows and pulled out my lockpick.

Red coughed politely to get my attention.

“What is it?” I whispered.

My marefriend gestured at the front door with her head. I didn’t know what they were called, but the door was one of those old timey kinds where the top half and the bottom half could open separately. The top half was currently standing wide open.

That must be why Red pointed it out to me. I put away my lockpicks, feeling more than a little silly.

I reached through the open top half of the door and unlatched the bottom half. The door opened with a soft creak that made me hold my breath. I let the air out of my lungs when nothing happened.

“I’ll wait out here,” Red whispered to me. “The fewer ponies sneaking around inside, the better.

The living room was filled with sleeping animals. Birds, bunnies, mice, and squirrels were sleeping on almost every available surface. What really made me nervous was the sight of the bear sleeping in the corner. I had to be absolutely silent if I didn’t want to be caught. The idea of being torn apart by a horde of angry woodland critters did not sit well with me. I took a step inside the house.

The floorboard creaked loudly under my pony’s hooves. The sound was almost as loud as the results of my momma’s baked beans. God rest her soul.

Not a single animal so much as twitched. Huh, so much for acute animal senses.

*SNNNOOOOOOOORRRREEE!*

I looked at the sleeping bear.

*SNNNOOOOOOOORRRREEE!*

That sound was not coming from the bear. The sound wasn’t even originating from inside this room. It was coming from beyond a doorway that led deeper into the house. I followed the sound to its source. After going down a short hallway, I arrived at a midsized bedroom.

Sprawled across the bed was my target. Fluttershy was deep asleep with her blanket half hanging off the bed. She was sleeping on her stomach with her wings splayed out to her sides, taking up almost the entire bed.

*SNNNOOOOOOOORRRREEE!*

Fluttershy breathed deeply in her sleep, rattling the window panes.

Who would have thought that a dainty mare like Fluttershy could saw logs like a woodchipper? No wonder the animals didn’t wake up when that floorboard creaked. They had grown used to hearing loud noises in their sleep.

I equipped the razorblade out of my saddlebag and went to work. It didn’t take me long to remove almost all of her pink mane. A fancy haircut was hard, but a hatchet job was easy. I wasn’t a monster though, I left her with a circle of pink fuzz surrounding a huge bald spot. It reminded me of those hair styles used by medieval monks. I think that style was called a tonsure.

I took the removed portion of her mane and tied it into a knot to keep the hair together, then I stuffed it into my bag. I’d get it made into a wig later. Maybe I’d even sell it back to her in the most bizarre form of ransom ever seen.

After taping my calling card to Fluttershy’s shiny bald spot, I turned around to leave and came face to face with a small white bunny. The creature was looking up at me with wide eyes. I tensed up, expecting it to wake up its owner.

“Please don’t rat me out,” I faintly whispered.

The bunny smirked at me and then held up a small piece of cardboard with a dollar sign drawn on it. Grumbling softly, I pulled 10 bits out of my inventory and showed it to the bunny. The rabbit shook its head. I pulled out another 10 bits. The rabbit shook its head again. For a final offer, I pulled out 100 bits.

The floppy eared extortionist nodded and took the money. Damn that wascally wabbit!

When I stepped out of Fluttershy’s house, I got an achievement.

Badge Unlocked: Like Kicking a Puppy

Unlocked By: You stole something from Fluttershy. The fandom is going to hate you for this.

Reward: 100 bits

Then another notification appeared on the heels of the first.

Badge Unlocked: The Brave and The Bald

Unlocked By: You shaved another pony while they were asleep. What the buck is wrong with you?

Reward: 100 bits

The next target on our list of ponies to rob for tonight was Pinkie Pie.

Personally, I considered her to be the riskiest target. Her unpredictable nature made her into a wild card. But as it turned out, I didn’t need to worry. Pinkie’s party cannon was right outside the front door of Sugar Cube Corner. There was a letter attached.

Hi Black Powder!

Can you fix my cannon for me? It keeps jamming when I try to load it with custard pies. Just leave it outside Sugar Cube Corner when you finish.

Thanks,

Pinkie Pie

P.S. If this is Dark Mask reading this note, then I just want you to know that I think you’re a big fat Meanie Pants! Your karmic reckoning is coming very soon!

How wonderfully convenient! The post script was alarming, but I was too deep into this to turn back now. I picked up the cannon and stuffed it into my mane. (Where else would I put it? It was too big for my saddlebag.) Then I left behind another calling card.

Badge Unlocked: Neighborhood Curmudgeon

Unlocked By: You stole something from Pinkie Pie.

Reward: 100 bits

The final target for tonight was Rarity. The last three, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Twilight could wait for daylight hours.

The Carousel Boutique was completely dark with no lights on inside. The red sign in the front window had been flipped from Open to Closed. I could see several pony mannequins through the main window.

I looked at Red and said, “Keep a lookout while I pick the lock.”

“You got it,” Red replied before turning her attention to the street around us while I worked.

The lock wasn’t difficult at all. A quick minigame and it opened like all the others. I pressed a button on the controller and my pony slowly opened the door.

*Tinkle-Tinkle!* A brass bell attached to the top of the door, softly chimed out.

For the second time in a single night, I froze up and held my breath. If I got lucky, none of the residents noticed anything. But I did not get lucky a second time. Five seconds went past before my luck failed me.

“Sweetie Belle, are you playing with the shop door?” A mare’s voice asked from somewhere upstairs.

“No Rarity, I’m in my room,” a younger voice replied, also from upstairs.

A loud gasp echoed down from above, “I think there’s somepony in the house!”

This is not good! I tossed one of my calling cards on the floor, grabbed the nearest pony mannequin and ran for it. When I got outside, Red picked the mannequin up in her magic to help me carry it.

We ran for over two blocks before we stopped to rest. I used the opportunity to look at the mannequin that I had snatched. It was dressed in a pony version of a French maid outfit. Since stealing a dress was what we were after, I removed it from the mannequin and tossed the dummy aside.

I held the dress up for Red to look at, “I think you’d look great in this. What do you think?”

She shot me a dirty look, “Making jokes about maid outfits now? I thought your sense of humor was better than this.”

A deep sense of sadness and shame gripped me. She was right. I was better than this. I folded up the uniform and stuffed it into my bag.

Badge Unlocked: Fashion Backwards

Unlocked By: You stole something from Rarity.

Reward: 100 bits

With our exploits finished for the evening, I needed to logout of the game and get some sleep. Red and I rented a hotel room for the night so she would have a place to stay in Ponyville while I was gone.

Red hopped up onto the hotel bed and looked at me, “Before you leave, I wanted to talk with you about something.”

“What do you want to know?” I asked, moving my pony into the chair next to the bed.

“When are you going to emigrate to Equestria?”

My mental gears ground to a halt at the sudden change to such a serious topic, “Huh?”

“It’s a simple enough question,” she stated before repeating herself. “When are you going to emigrate to Equestria?”

“I never really thought about it,” I admitted, scratching my chin. “Why the sudden interest?”

“Now that you’re my special somepony, I want you to emigrate.” Red poked a hoof in my direction.

“That’s absurd. I became your special somepony only a few hours ago! That’s like asking somepony to move in with you after only a single date. I’m not going to emigrate just because we had one night on the town together.”

“We’ve already been hanging out for weeks!” Red shouted at me. “I want you to emigrate because I enjoy spending time with you. Are you worried about the entire brain scooping thing? I know that some humans aren’t sure if an uploaded mind is the original or just a copy. You don’t need to worry. The Princess told us all that-”

“I’m not worried about those boring existential questions! I’m not smart enough to understand or care about those.” I interrupted her with the wave of a hoof. “I’m just not sure if I want to come to Equestria. My brother would also be mad at me if I did something so impulsive.”

Red tilted her head at me quizzically. “Why wouldn’t you want to come here? Equestria is a utopia where everypony’s values are satisfied. Even kleptomaniacs like us.”

“A utopia? Heh, that’s funny,” I chuckled.

“What’s so funny about a utopia?” Red asked, her face scrunched up in confusion.

“It has to do with the origin of the word. The term ‘Utopia’ dates back to Sir Thomas More, he created the word by combining two other words from Ancient Greek, ‘ou’ which means ‘not’ and ‘topos’ which means ‘place.’ In other words, ‘no place.’ For a pessimist like myself, it’s a funny way of pointing out the impossibility of a completely perfect society. They don't exist according to the very origin of the word.”

Red’s jaw was hanging open.

“Why are you looking at me like that? Just because I’m not always smart, doesn’t mean I can’t pick up random pieces of trivia,” I grumbled while leaning back in my chair.

Red frowned but then hesitantly nodded, “That is true. Even a parrot can spout math equations if they hear them enough times.”

“I’m not that bad!” I snapped at her. “For your information, I won first place in my High School science fair during my sophomore year.”

“I don’t believe you,” She deadpanned. “What was your project?”

“It was a sociology documentary about the mating habits of homo sapiens. I followed my science teacher around for two weeks straight and recorded everything she did without her knowing about it. Then I presented all my findings to the entire student body,” I reminisced, enjoying the fond memory. “It was glorious. The science teacher gave me an A Plus. The principal got fired for sexually harassing the science teacher. The teacher won a million-dollar lawsuit against the school board using my recordings as evidence. And then I got suspended from school for a week.”

Red stared at me for a minute straight before she finally responded, “I think your science teacher only gave you that good grade, because you helped her win her lawsuit.”

I wanted to make a scathing comeback remark, but my brain blanked out on me. I continued the original topic instead, “My point is that no matter how perfect a place seems on the surface, there are always flaws to it. A true utopia is impossible according to the very origin of the word.”

“But, what do you think is wrong with Equestria?”

“How about the fact that Celestia is constantly reading the minds of everypony in Equestria?” I pointed out. “I enjoy having the privacy of my own thoughts, thank you very much!”

“Princess Celestia only does that so she can better satisfy our values! She doesn’t care if you have dirty thoughts about my well-toned flanks,” she said before turning around and shaking her rear at the camera.

“S-stop that!” I shouted as I used the thumbstick to turn the camera away from her.

Red turned back to face me, “After a while, you don’t even think about it anymore. For me, it’s completely normal because she’s been doing it my entire life. If you emigrate, we can spend the rest of eternity stealing shiny things together.”

“Stealing things is fun, but I couldn’t imagine doing it for the rest of eternity.” I said, pointing the camera back at her.

“We can do other things!” Red said, “We don’t have to keep the same hobbies forever. We could try arson! I hear that burning things can be fun.”

I shook my head, “Sorry, Red. But I’m not emigrating to Equestria.”

Feeling fed up and not wanting to argue with her anymore, I logged out and turned off the PonyPad.

Chapter 20, Unfinished Business

The sound of breaking glass woke me up from my sleep. I jerked upright and looked towards my open bedroom door.

Red Hoofed was standing in the doorway. Her attire was very eye catching. She was wearing a black leather outfit in the form of a tight corset around her barrel. She also had fishnet stockings on her fore and hind legs. Her mane had been tied back in a braid. The most alarming detail was the fact that she was carrying a cat-o-nine-tails whip floating beside her in her magic aura.

“Red?” I muttered before sitting up in my bed, “What are you doing here? For that matter, how are you here?”

I wasn’t seeing her through the screen of my smartphone. She was actually standing in front of my bed in my L.A. apartment.

She remained silent, ignoring my question as she took several menacing steps forward. The aura around her horn pulsed, causing the whip to lash out and scour deep grooves into the nearest wall.

“Is this about rejecting your offer for me to emigrate? I don’t understand how you can be here, but I think that you may be taking this a little too far,” I babbled nervously. My gut instincts were correct, she had the mindset of a crazy ex-girlfriend! I hadn’t even broken up with her, but after our argument, she was acting like it.

She took several threatening steps forward and I scrambled back to keep my distance. Not watching where I was going, I fell off the opposite side of my bed and landed on the floor with a heavy thud.

Red swiftly trotted around the bed and planted a hoof on my chest, pinning me to the ground. She glared down at me like I was a piece of filth. The silence seemed to drag on forever. Only after a full minute passed, did she finally speak, “You’ve been a naughty colt. And now, you must be punished.”

Another pulse from her magic caused the whip to raise up into the air and…

*Beep! Beep! Beep!*

I jerked awake and slammed a fist down on my alarm clock. Laying in bed, I stared at the ceiling to collect my thoughts.

The dream left me filled with a sense of aggravation. I hated dream sequences on general principle. In stories, authors always used them as a way of shoehorning in a ton of metaphors and foreshadowing into a single scene. It always struck me as a lazy way of telling a story. Good storytelling had subtle foreshadowing that was only noticed in hindsight. A dream sequence on the other hand, had no subtlety at all.

It was a good thing that dreams out here in the real world didn’t have foreshadowing. Otherwise, the dream I just had, would imply some disturbing things. Namely, that I was screwed.

The most annoying part about the entire experience was that my alarm clock woke me up just when the dream was getting fun… er… I mean, thank goodness that my alarm clock woke me up from that horrible nightmare!

After throwing off my blanket, I got out of bed and stretched out my back. I went through my morning routine, got dressed, brushed my teeth, and ate some breakfast. It was the weekend, so I didn’t need to go to work.

I cast a wary glance at my PonyPad. My last conversation with Red left a bad taste in my mouth. But I really wanted to play more. There were still three more members of the Mane 6 that I wanted to rob and I didn’t like leaving things unfinished. I was a gamer. I had a code of conduct similar to the post office motto. Neither carpel tunnel nor low batteries nor friends nor gloom of night could keep me away from my weekend gaming marathon.

After sitting down, I reached out a hand and turned on the PonyPad. Once I passed through the main menu and the character select, my pony reappeared in Red Hoofed’s hotel room.

Red looked up from a magazine that was spread out on the bed in front of her, “You’re back.”

“Hey Red,” I said awkwardly, “can we just forget about that conversation we had before I logged out last night? I want to keep playing with you, but not if you’re going to make things uncomfortable.”

The mare’s ears laid down flat against her head before they perked up again. She bit her lip, then nodded and said, “Okay. I guess I was a little too pushy about it.”

“Excellent!” I trotted over to her a gave her a quick nuzzle. She hesitated for a moment, but then nuzzled me back. I approached the hotel room door, “It’s still early in the morning. If we move fast, we can rob our last three targets before they learn about what happened last night.”

The Ponyville market was a busy place this morning. There were ponies going about their business, exchanging bits for food. Most of them were earth ponies.

The market here was significantly smaller than the one in Canterlot, but that was a given considering the town’s small size. The merchandise on offer was much more agrarian than Canterlot though. There was a greater emphasis on fruit, vegetables, and various produce instead of manufactured goods like back in the city.

Our next target was Applejack. It didn’t take me long to spot her manning an applecart near the eastern end of the plaza. The farmer mare was busy having a conversation with Twilight Sparkle. Red stepped away to keep a lookout while I idled next to a cabbage stand so I could eavesdrop on the conversation.

“We’ve got to catch this varmint, Twilight!” Applejack stamped a forehoof on the countertop of her stand. “It took me forever to cheer up the Crusaders yesterday. Pinkie Pie gave them some more cupcakes for free, but they were still heartbroken by the entire ordeal. What kind of monster steals cupcakes from fillies?”

The kind that likes to mess with NPCs just for shits and giggles.

Twilight was examining a small piece of paper held in her magic. “You said they found this calling card with the rock?”

Applejack tilted her hat back and glared at the paper. “That’s what they told me. Not only did he rob three fillies, but he’s bragging about it!”

“My profile of Dark Mask does indicate that he has an ego,” Twilight said.

Applejack pulled a basket of apples out of her cart and put them on top of her stall. “You’ve heard of this jerk before?”

“Yes, I have. Remember when I told you and the girls that somepony broke into my parents’ house and attacked my father? The perpetrator stole a bunch of items and left behind an identical card,” The purple unicorn explained, putting the card away into her saddlebag. “I’ve been tracking his crime spree ever since. I had to pull a few strings using my role as Princess Celestia’s student to get access to the case file.”

“Any luck figuring out who he is?” Applejack asked.

Twilight shook her head, a frown spreading across her face. “I got close once, but no, not yet. However according to what I know, this is the first time he’s operated outside of Canterlot. I’ve also never heard of him stealing cupcakes before. He usually steals bits and toothbrushes.”

Damn it, there’s that weird rumor again! I never did figure out how that started.

“If he’s in Ponyville now, then we need to-”

“Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” Whatever else Applejack was going to say was cut off by a faint scream that echoed out across all of Ponyville. The heads and ears of everypony in the market turned in the direction of the sound.

“What in tarnation was that noise?” Applejack asked, also looking in the direction that it had come from.

“I don’t know,” Twilight said, her gaze drawn across the market square, “but it sounded like it came from Fluttershy’s house.”

With both mares looking away from me, I crept up behind Applejack. I activated my advanced pickpocketing skill. While I kept the reticle steady in the minigame, my pony reached out his hoof and sneakily swiped Applejack’s Stetson hat off of the back of her head. With a second button press, I slide another calling card into her mane.

“Let’s go check it out, Applejack,” said Twilight.

With the two ponies preoccupied, Red and I snuck away.

Badge Unlocked: Cattle Rustler

Unlocked By: You stole something from Applejack.

Reward: 100 bits

Up next for victimization was Twilight Sparkle herself. She was probably the easiest target on our list due to her occupation and the nature of the item that we wanted to steal. All I had to do was check a book out of her library with no intention of ever returning it.

Red followed me inside Ponyville’s Golden Oaks Library. The inside looked cozy with bookshelves built directly into the wooden walls. It reminded me vaguely of the interior of a log cabin. Or what the inside of a log cabin would look like if the architect mixed together abstract art, high fantasy, and head trauma from a horse buck to the face.

I saw a familiar face in the form of Spike, the dragon. He was up on a step ladder putting away a book. Spike gasped and pointed a claw at me, almost dropping the book in the process. “Who are you two and why have you broken into my home?”

“What?” I stammered. “We’re just here to check out a book. This is a public library, right?”

Spike blinked at me and then rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, “Ah… right, a customer… there’s a first time for everything, I guess. I was starting to think that Twilight was the only pony that knows how to read in this town. Help yourselves to any book you want. When you’re ready to check out, just put your name, your address, the book’s title, and today’s date into the ledger.”

Spike turned his attention back to reshelving a stack of books.

Red looked at one of the shelves. She picked a book out and showed it to me, “You should get this book.”

I looked at the title, A Confederacy of Dunces, “I’ve never heard of it before. Why do you think I should get this book?”

Red hadn’t been talking to me much all day other than a few comments here or there. She must still feel raw about our argument last night. I’d give her time and hope that her feelings would recover.

“In some ways, the main character reminds me a lot of you,” Red said without elaborating.

I shrugged and put the book into my saddlebag. It really didn’t matter what book I stole. Walking over to the Ledger book, I picked a pencil up with my pony’s mouth and wrote in the details. For my name, I put down Dark Mask. I left the address blank, then wrote the name of the book. To add insult to injury, I put a calling card into the ledger.

“Thanks for the book!” I called out to the dragon as Red and I left.

Spike waved one of his clawed hands over his shoulder at me without turning away from the shelf to look. “Sure thing, see you later.”

Badge Unlocked: Brain Drain

Unlocked By: You stole something from Twilight Sparkle.

Reward: 100 bits

Ugh, the achievement system was getting lazy. That joke was too easy.

Rainbow Dash was my final target.

“How are we going to get up there?” Red asked as we looked up at Rainbow’s floating cloud house. The house was floating a good fifty to sixty feet above us. We stood slightly off to the side so we wouldn’t get splashed by the runoff from the rainbow waterfall. “I can cast a cloud walking spell on you, but you’ll still need to get high enough to reach it. The wings spell is way beyond my abilities.”

We’d seen Rainbow Dash fly off towards Fluttershy’s house only moments ago. She’d probably heard about her friend’s missing mane by now. Her rainbow colored contrail was very distinctive and couldn’t be mistaken for any other pony. That was how I knew that her house was currently empty.

“Don’t worry, I planned ahead,” I stated, pulling a rope and a grappling hook from my bag. “I just need you to cast the spell on me, and then float the hook up to the house.”

“I can do that,” Red said. Her horn lit up with her green aura before my pony was enveloped in a matching glow. The controller in my hands vibrated until the aura faded away. A small icon showing the silhouette of a pony standing on a cloud appeared in the corner of the PonyPad with a two hour timer under it.

Next, Red picked up the end of the grappling hook in her magic and floated it up to the cloud house like I asked. She hooked it around one of the Greek columns.

“I’ll wait down here. Don’t take too long. We don’t know how long Rainbow Dash will be gone.” Red told me after securing the hook.

Like in all videogames, climbing a rope in this game was way easier than it would be for me in real life. I just had to grapple the rope with a button press and then tilt forward on the thumbstick to shimmy up it like a spider-horse.

The inside of Rainbow’s cloud house looked surreal to me. It was like walking around inside of a thick fog bank. The walls, floor, and ceiling were featureless and white. The floors looked squishy to the point where I imagined that it must feel like walking on couch cushions.

I needed to find a piece of Wonderbolt memorabilia to steal. A task that proved to be extremely easy. The third room I entered was a veritable stalker shrine to the Wonderbolts and filled with their merchandise. Rainbow Dash had everything. There were posters of members on the walls, trading cards inside of plastic sleeves, and plush toys piled up to the ceiling.

There were so many options for things to steal that I wasn’t sure which one to choose. I couldn’t take everything with me. I leaned against a wall and scratched my head.

*Click!*

A hidden compartment in the wall I leaned against swung open. The compartment was only about a foot deep, but was taller than my pony and slightly wider.

Hung up inside of the compartment was a pinup poster of Soarin from the Wonderbolts. There was a small note written in the corner of the poster. Thanks again for convincing me to emigrate. We’ll spend more time together as soon as our show tour ends. Love you! -Soarin

Soarin was posing in a very provocative position. On the positive side, I now had the perfect item to steal in order to embarrass Rainbow Dash the most. On the downside, I now knew what a quadruped looks like when wearing a banana hammock. I could have gladly lived my entire life without knowing that.

After carefully rolling up the poster and putting it into my bag, I tapped a calling card to the empty spot on the wall where the poster used to be. I left the secret panel wide open so Rainbow Dash would see it the next time she came home.

Badge Unlocked: The Fast and the Furious

Unlocked By: You stole something from Rainbow Dash.

Reward: 100 bits

With all 6 of my targets successfully robbed, it was time to get out of Ponyville. Red and I were on the first train back to Canterlot before the clock even struck noon.

Badge Unlocked: Thief of Harmony

Unlocked By: You stole something from each member of the Mane 6. I hope you feel proud of yourself.

Reward: 100 bits

“Now that you’ve accomplished your goal, what’s next for the great Dark Mask?” Red asked me when we left the train station and went back out onto the streets of Canterlot.

I could tell that she was asking in a sarcastic manner, but I deigned to answer her anyway, “The achievement system just gave me an idea for that.”

“And what idea would that be?” She probed me for more information while she walked beside me.

“We’re going to pull off a heist.” I grinned at her. “We’re going to steal the Elements of Harmony right out of the royal vault.”

Chapter 21, An Elite Crew

Red followed me into Donut Joe’s and up to the front counter. I ordered a chocolate donut; she got a cream filled one. We sat down at a corner booth and continued our conversation.

“We can do this, Red,” I said after taking a bite from my pastry. “We got all the thieving skill books now. A heist should be doable. The element gems are the ultimate shiny things in all of Equestria.”

“That sounds like a great idea!” Red smiled at me with way too much enthusiasm while levitating her own donut. “Our names will be become legendary. There won’t be a single pony in Equestria who hasn’t heard about us.”

My eyes narrowed as I gazed at her suspiciously, “Why are you being so supportive of this? I thought you would hate the idea and try to talk me out of it. You didn’t like the idea of us stealing from Twilight and her friends. Why would you be onboard with this?”

Red didn’t answer right away. She frowned for a bit and then swallowed another chunk of her donut before answering, “Let’s just say that I had a change of heart. I realized that you were right. We should cut loose and not worry about the consequences.”

I ate the rest of my donut, “Good… good. It’s nice to know that you’re coming around to my way of thinking. We’re probably going to fail. But I know that we’ll have a lot of fun doing it and leave behind a colossal mess in our wake.”

Red finished off her own pastry, “How are we going to do this job?”

“My plan is still in the early stages. The Grand Galloping Gala is in two weeks. That should be our best opportunity to do this. We’re going to need more information though. But I do know that we can’t do this alone. But first we need assemble a heist crew.”

“Did you have any ponies in mind?”

“Just a second, let me do a quick search for minor villains…” I muttered before looking away from my PonyPad. Using my smartphone, I soon had a list of minor MLP antagonists.

“Why use minor villains?” I heard Red ask, pulling my attention back to the screen. “Wouldn’t major villains be better for something like this?”

I shook my head, “Major villains will want a bigger cut of the action and will be harder to negotiate with. Minor villains will be easier to manipulate. Especially when we inevitably betray one of them.”

Red stared at me and tilted her head, “You haven’t even decided who you’re going to recruit, but you’re already planning to stab one of them in the back?”

“Of course! Do you not watch Rick and Morty here in Equestria? Every good heist needs a good betrayal!”

Red looked like she wanted to argue that statement. She opened her mouth, but finally shrugged, “Okay, I’ll just go along with that.”

The False Hope Pub was as lively as usual.

An earth pony was singing a seductive song on stage while slowly dancing across it. A mint green unicorn was playing accompanying music on a lyre. In front of the stage was a large group of stallions wearing white sailor uniforms. They were cheering and wolf-whistling while throwing hooffull of bits up onto the stage. I don’t think any of the drunk sailors could tell that the singer was actually a stallion dressed in drag.

The mood in the bar was lighthearted and jovial. As long as you didn’t count the pegasus that was weeping into his whiskey. I think it was the same crier from my last visit.

Wait... isn’t Canterlot landlocked? Why were there sailors on shore leave here? I guess it didn’t matter. It wasn’t any of my business and I had other things on my mind.

I approached the bartender. He was an aging blue pegasus with a salt-and-pepper mane. The stallion was mixing a fancy cocktail. He poured together a small amount of liquor from an assortment of different bottles into a tall glass. Setting aside the bottles, he put a tiny umbrella into the top of the drink.

Instead of serving it to a customer, the pegasus chugged down the entire drink himself before glaring at me, “What do you want, Ugly?”

“Are you Wind Rider?”

The pegasus spit shined the glass that he just used and then put it back with the clean glasses, “Maybe, who wants to know?”

“My name is Dark Mask. I want to hire you for a heist.” It was best to not give out real names when preparing for a job like this.

If he recognized my name, Wind Rider showed no sign of it. He pulled out more liquor bottles to mix up another cocktail, “I’m retired from the heisting game. I walked away from that life after a gig in Yakyakistan went sideways.”

“What happened?” I said, sitting down on the bar stool in front of him.

“My partner was forced to respawn after he was trampled by a stampede of angry yaks. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can still hear his screams.” Wind Rider exhaled as he squinted his large eyes closed. This stallion was clearly haunted by the ghosts of his past.

“My condolences, but I thought you were a retired Wonderbolt, not a heister.”

“That too.” Wind Rider said before drinking down another glass, “My career in the Wonderbolts was often a cover for some of the jobs that I pulled. But it doesn’t matter anymore. I left that life behind me.”

“Won’t you come out of retirement for one last job? We could use you as a get-away flier for our carriage. I heard you’re really fast.”

“I’m one of the fastest pegasi in the world, colt. And don’t you forget it! But the answer is still no. I will never ever go back to that life again.” He crossed his forelegs and glared at me.

“Pretty please?” I asked.

Wind Rider sighed in a melancholic manner, “Well… since you said please.”

I slowly opened the window on the second floor of the east side of the mansion. It was quite the lovely piece of property. With multiple wings, a huge swimming pool in the back, and a fountain in the front. It hung halfway off the Canterlot mountainside, giving me an amazing view that spanned dozens of miles. There was also a beautiful garden around it that was lovingly maintained by minimum wage gardeners.

A white unicorn stallion was sitting behind a desk in the small study. He was so engrossed in paperwork that he didn’t even notice my entrance. A quill floated next to him and would occasionally move to make a mark on one of the papers.

“Prince Bluebood?” I said, loudly clearing my throat.

The stallion gasped, causing a ream of paperwork to fall off the desk. He scrambled out of his chair and turned to face me, “Who are you?”

“I’m Dark Mask.” I wanted to pose dramatically, like Captain Morgan from those alcohol commercials, but sadly there were no barrels nearby for my pony to lean against.

A look of abject rage crossed the Prince’s face. Moving with the lightning fast speed of a fat guy on a rascal, the unicorn reached out a hoof and slapped my pony in the face. “How dare you show yourself to me again! Border patrol almost caught me with all that contraband, no thanks to you!”

“What are you talking about?” I asked, feeling more than a little confused. “This is the first time we’ve ever met.”

Blueblood squinted at me, eyeing me up and down, “Aren’t you the Mexicolt luchador known as Dark Mask?”

“No, I’m the Canterlot thief known as Dark Mask,” I corrected him.

“Oh… you’re just a filthy commoner then.” The uppity unicorn said, before gathering up his scattered papers.

He wasn’t wrong about the filthy part. In order to sneak onto the grounds of his mansion, I’d been forced to crawl through a drainage culvert. It was the only way I could figure out how to get past the guards at the front gate. But I resented the commoner comment! There was nothing common about Dark Mask!

“Are you here to rob me?” He asked, “Just steal whatever you want and then get out. It’s all covered by my insurance anyway. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m very busy.”

I shook my head, “No, I’m here to recruit you for a heist. How would you like to help me steal the Elements of Harmony?”

Prince Blueblood reached out a hoof and slapped my pony again, “You son-of-a-bitch… I’m in.”

“Thanks for the lift.” I said, tossing some bits to the pony that had pulled the taxi chariot.

“Don’t mention it, ya stupid cavone!” The stallion replied in a thick Boston accent before pulling his taxi back out into the thick Manehatten traffic.

Before going inside the skyscraper, I took a moment to soak in my surroundings. When I was in middle school, I had visited New York City during a class trip. If it wasn’t for the fact that I was happy in Los Angeles, I wouldn’t mind living in a city like New York. Manehatten struck me as a very authentic (if ponified) recreation of that city.

The air was filled with visible smog and flecks of sea brine. Pigeon poop caked the sidewalks to the point that it looked like the ground had been painted white. A unicorn foal was fleeing for her life from a horde of hungry rats. Passing ponies were rude, very pushy, and looked like they had lost all faith in the universe. In short, CelestAI had really nailed the vibe of the place this city was based off of. I could really appreciate her attention to detail.

I went through the revolving doors of the building in front of me. After checking the building directory in the lobby, I found the pony I was looked for in an office on the third floor. A quick elevator ride brought me to the desired floor.

“For the last time, Coco! When I tell you to get me a coffee, I expect it to be brewed with Prench vanilla beans, contain two teaspoons of skim milk, have no foam, a pinch of cinnamon, and served in a Grande cup! Now make it again, M-Kay?” A purple earth pony mare was chewing out her assistant when I entered.

“Y-yes, Suri! I’m sorry!” Coco sobbed as she galloped out of the room.

The tyrannical fashionista’s eyes darted in my direction, “You’re not going to lecture me about being mean to my intern, are you?”

“Of course not,” I reassured her. “Treating your intern like an ass-slave is a natural part of life in the corporate world.”

“Oh?” The mare trotted out from behind her desk and looked me up and down, “It’s refreshing to meet a stallion that understands how the real world works. My name is Suri Polomare, what is yours?”

“You can call me Dark Mask.”

Suri batted her eyelashes at me, “Well, Mr. Dark Mask, would you care to join me for dinner this evening?”

“I’m flattered, but I already have a marefriend,” I politely declined. “I just came here to recruit you for a heist.”

“A heist? That takes me back. I pulled a few jobs after college to pay off my student loans,” Suri commented. “I’d have to dust off my old cat-suit, but I’m sure I got it around here somewhere.”

The revelation gave me pause. Did every minor villain in Equestria having heisting experience? Technically, Blueblood was a smuggler, but that was close enough. I decided to shrug it off and just roll with it. CelestAI was most likely pulling strings to satisfy my values.

My thoughts were interrupted when Suri lunged forward and nuzzled my pony’s neck, “I don’t care if you already have a marefriend. I’m open to herding.”

“W-wha? Huh?” My brain did a record scratch. I’d begun to do some research into the fandom and knew that the term ‘herding’ referred to a pony polygamist relationship. “Er… I don’t think that’s a good idea. Red beat up the last mare that tried to flirt with me. You’re lucky that she isn’t here right now. She said she had something else she needed to take care of back in Canterlot.”

Suri smiled at me, “Tell you what, I’ll join your heist, M-Kay? But in return, you give me ten minutes alone with your marefriend. I think I can convince her into a more open relationship.”

Thinking it over, I reluctantly nodded, “Fine, but it’s your funeral.”

Badge Unlocked: Made a Friend (x4)

I pulled the blueprints of the royal palace out of my inventory and unrolled it on my coffee table. Red, Suri, Blueblood, and Wind Rider all gathered around.

I had also attempted to recruit Svengallop. But the music manager was currently out of the country on a concert tour. I regretted the missed opportunity, but my plan could make do without him.

“Good evening, ladies and gentlecolts. I’ve called you all here, because you are the best of the best-ish. Thanks to Prince Blueblood’s insider information, we know everything about the royal vaults.”

The unicorn noble inclined his head in my direction.

I dramatically slammed a hoof down on top of the blueprints. “Here’s the plan…”

Chapter 22, The Place Where Corn Comes From

I eyed myself up and down in the mirror. My pony was wearing a nice black suit jacket with a white undershirt and tie. No pants of course. The formal outfit was plain, but functional. I’d picked it up from a stored called Stallion’s Warehouse. A button press caused my pony to adjust his tie.

It was the night of the Grand Galloping Gala. After recruiting my team, we spent the next week of meticulously planning out every last detail. Once our preparations were complete, we were ready to start the heist. Red and I would be infiltrating the palace as a pair of guests. Prince Blueblood had pulled some strings to get us a pair of tickets.

“Red, are you ready to go?” I called out. “Wind Rider should be waiting for us outside with the carriage.”

I heard hoofsteps behind me as Red came out of the guest bedroom. I took a second to smooth down my mane before turning to face her.

Red Hoofed looked fantastic. She was wearing a little red dress that matched the color of her mane and tail while contrasting with the color of her blue coat. Unlike the puffy dresses that I had seen a number of ponies wearing around Canterlot, hers was much more shear. It wrapped around her forelegs and barrel in a very furtight manner. The back of her dress draped over her tail, but it left her flank and booty mark bare. The lipstick smooch that was her booty mark, was on full shameful display. It reminded me of how some risqué human dresses would leave most of the upper thigh exposed in an upward pointed V shape along the outer thigh.

“What do you think?” She asked extending one of her forehooves in a dramatic gesture at her body.

I smiled at her while taking in her full appearance. “You remind me of an old song from the Human Realm.”

Red strutted away from the doorway. She stopped only a few feet away from me. Her next few words were spoken in a tone of voice that contained a hint of warning in them, “What song would that be?”

“I believe the title of the song is Devil with a Blue Dress On. Except, yours is red.” I did not choose my words carefully.

I lost a good chunk of my health bar when she decked my pony in the chin.

“What have you learned from this?” Red asked me as we left my Canterlot apartment and went downstairs.

“Um… don’t say stupid things?” I offered up a possible answer. I was never very good at fill-in-the-blank questions.

“Good colt,” she praised me.

Yay, I got it right!

After exiting the apartment, we found Wind Rider waiting for us outside. The pegasus was hitched up to an ornate carriage. Like a lot of things in Canterlot, the ride was painted white and gold. Wind Rider’s job in this was simple. He was going to be our transportation and get-away driver.

“Finally, I’ve been waiting forever,” The aged stallion grouched as he spit a wad of saliva into the bushes lining the building. “Are you both ready to do this?”

Red nodded at him as she walked up to the carriage. “Just get us there and we’ll handle the rest.”

“I just hope that you two amateurs don’t get us caught,” Wind Rider said while stretching out his wings.

Red and I piled into the back of the carriage. The interior was covered in a nice red upholstery that blended with Red’s dress when she sat down next to me. After waiting for us to find our seats, Wind Rider took a running start, flapped his wings and leapt into the air, pulling the carriage behind him.

I looked out the window as we flew. The wind howled around us as we flew. The sight was impressive. The sun had already set, shrouding most of Canterlot in darkness. But the magical streetlights below provided some illumination. I’d traveled on a few commercial airlines in the past, but never at night. I imagined that this experience was a lot like that.

“Suri had a very interesting conversation with me yesterday,” Red said, broke the silence.

I froze up for a moment before asking, “You didn’t beat her up, did you? If she quits the team, our plan won’t work.”

“Suri’s fine,” Red reassured me. “She actually convinced me to give herding a shot.”

This turn of events left me baffled. “What? After what happened to that mare from the bar, I’m surprised you would change your mind like that.”

“She made a few good points in her argument. Namely, that we’ll never have a good three way without adding another mare to the herd,” she said as she leaned across the carriage seat and nuzzled me.

Ah… I forgot to account for the fact that Red was a total perv.

“Can we talk more about this later?” I asked.

Red nodded, “I suppose we can do that.”

The carriage tilted as Wind Rider’s flight path spiraled downwards. A glance out the window revealed that we were about to arrive at the palace gates.

I took a small crystal out of my saddlebag and slid it into my pony’s ear. Red followed my lead and put one into her own ear. I had purchased these magical items from Cut Purse only three days ago. They were small enough that nopony could tell that we had them in our ears.

“This is Spastic Wombat, sound off,” I said, using my codename.

Suri’s voice echoed out of the earpiece, “Dark Mistress here, I’m in the air ducts and ready to go.”

“Noble Sod, in position at the ballroom,” Blueblood’s voice cut in.

Both Suri and Blueblood had arranged their own transportation to the palace. We couldn’t afford for all of us to be seen arriving or departing together. We were aiming for stealth, but Wind Rider would be there in case we needed to make a fast get-away.

“Busted Nut, ready to go,” Red chipped in.

“Old Fart also ready, not that you couldn’t tell since I’m right in front of you,” Wind Rider said.

The carriage landed on the ground with a soft thump. The wheels rolled for another thirty seconds before we came to a complete stop. A look out the window confirmed that we were outside the gate of the royal palace. I opened the carriage door, stepped down and then helped Red out.

“Keep the engine running,” I told Wind Rider.

He looked at me like I had just said something stupid. But he stayed silent and pulled the carriage away to the side lot where the other carriages were parked.

The golden gates of the royal palace were wide open. A multitude of ponies of all tribes were in line outside. A pair of royal guards in golden armor were taking their tickets. The line moved quickly so Red and I didn’t have to wait for very long.

“Tickets please,” the earth pony stallion on duty asked me in a dry monotone voice.

I fished the two tickets that Blueblood had given us out of my inventory and hoofed them over to him.

“Enjoy the Gala, Sir and/or Madam,” the guard said in a soulless manner that suggested he was bored out of his skull.

We walked past the guards and into the palace proper. The main entry hall contained décor that looked much like I remember it from my first visit. The walls were purple and there were golden arches around most of the doors. The biggest change was that most of the side rooms were sectioned off with velvet ropes. A polite way of letting guests know which parts of the palace were off limits. But the guard presence was lighter in this area to avoid intimidating the guests.

There was a red carpet going down the center of the main hall that led to a grand staircase. At the landing halfway up the stairs, I could see Princess Celestia greeting her arriving guests. It was obvious to me that she was in “Princess Mode” and would behave in character. Next to the Princess, I spotted Twilight Sparkle wearing a star studded blue gown. She appeared to be desperately trying to strike up a conversation with her mentor.

“Have fun!” I told Red. This was where the two of us needed to split up for the first phase of the plan. With a quick nod to one another, we went our separate ways. With a swish of her tail, Red got in line to meet the princess, while I followed the signs to the main ballroom.

Tables with pink tablecloths lined the sides of the ballroom with pony couples congregating around them. The red carpet from the hallways gave way to green carpeting that lined the side of the ballroom. The main dancefloor was covered in white and gold tiles. A sectioned off VIP area to the side was filled with ponies in Wonderbolt flight suits. I think I spotted Rainbow Dash attempting to sneak into that area.

A band was playing off to the side. They were a quartet of earth ponies. A light brown stallion was on the piano. A grey mare was playing a cello. A light blue mare was blowing into a tuba. And a dark blue stallion was plucking at the strings of a large harp.

I spotted Blueblood standing off to the side with an annoyed looking Rarity standing next to him. Strictly speaking, Prince Blueblood had already played his role in the heist. He’d gotten us our information on the royal vault and procured our tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala. His next part of the plan was just icing on top of the cake and it involved him doing what he was going to do anyway. By that, I meant that he needed to piss off Rarity and cause a scene.

While waiting for Blueblood to do his thing, I decided to mingle with the crowd. After snagging a drink from the tray of a passing waiter, I approached a pair of unicorns standing around a table. They were in the middle of a conversation.

“I say, the Gala has been going more and more downhill with each passing year!” An uptight noble huffed with a toss of his grey mane.

His compatriot, a yellow coated mare, nodded. “Indeed! There are commoners everywhere!”

If I wanted to blend in, I would need to do what the Romans do. I always assumed that saying meant that I would have to throw roses at gladiators like a business man would throw dollar bills at a stripper. Unfortunately, there weren’t any gladiators nearby, but I could make due with other forms of imitation.

“Harumph!” I harumphed, interjecting myself into their conversation. “Yes, the presence of the proletariat does tend to lower the classiness of such a gathering.”

The two unicorns looked at me before the stallion asked, “Forgive me Sir, but who are you exactly?”

“You don’t recognize me?” I guffawed, trying to sound offended. “My name is Foppish Dandy and I am the Duke of Cornwall!”

“Corn…wall?” The stallion repeated. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard of such a province in Equestria.”

“You’ve never heard of the great territory of Cornwall?” I half shouted, causing ponies at neighboring tables to turn and look at me. “This is outrageous! Cornwall is the place where all of Equestria’s corn comes from!”

“Sorry, but it just doesn’t sound familiar at all,” the stallion said.

I glared at him. “You have offended the noble ponies of the great and powerful house of Cornwall on this day, Good Sir!”

He took a few nervous steps backwards. “M-my apologies! I didn’t intend to cause any offense!”

“If you wish to apologize to me properly then you must do so in the traditional Cornholeian manner!” I exclaimed with a wild flourish of my hoof.

“What do I have to do?” He asked.

“Cornholeian tradition demands that you must find a pack of wild animals and feed them. Only then will your apology be accepted!”

The stallion blinked at me, “But, we’re in the middle of the Gala. Where are we going to find wild animals?”

“Don’t worry about that. I’m sure you’ll find some soon enough,” I reassured them before I chugged down the rest of my drink and slamming down the empty glass against the table.

Right on cue, a voice screamed out, “You're going to love me!”

A familiar looking yellow pegasus wearing a pink wig, charged into the ballroom chasing a stampede of panicked animals.

Chapter 23, Maximum Cringe

Ponies screamed and ran in circles as the horde of small animals ran around the ballroom. Not helping matters was the pair of unicorns that were tossing food to the animals from the buffet table. The cute little critters went into a feeding frenzy. One mare got covered in mixed nuts causing her to get swarmed by squirrels.

While the ballroom descended into anarchy, Red regrouped with me.

“Did you get it?” I asked her.

She nodded and hoofed me an ornate golden key with a sun engraved onto the base, “I snagged it right off the Princess.”

According to Blueblood, opening the royal vault required two things. The sun key and the moon key. Both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna carried their respective keys with them at all times. With one key already swiped, we still needed to obtain Luna’s key.

I took the key and put it into my saddlebag, “Excellent. Go help Blueblood cause some chaos while I sneak into the restricted area.”

“Got it, be careful in there, Sneaky,” Red cautioned me before walking away, her dress swishing behind her.

With the guards in the ballroom distracted, I slipped past one of the velvet ropes and into a cordoned off section of the palace. The sound of frantic ponies faded behind me as I put some distance between myself and the scene.

I took a moment to speak into my ear piece, “Dark Mistress, how are you progressing?”

Suri’s voice chimed back, “I’m at the L-junction on the third floor right now. These air ducts are like a maze, but I should be in position on schedule.”

“Let me know if the situation changes,” I advised her before I kept walking through the palace.

The décor in this area of the palace was more subdued in comparison to where I’d just come from. There was significantly less gold and purple paint for one thing. The sun and moon motifs were still ever present though. I guess the décor in the other area was only meant to impress visitors.

Our intel suggested that Princess Luna could be found in the East Wing of the palace. So that was my destination. Going by the blueprints that I had memorized, I turned down several corridors. My journey was waylaid by the sound of approaching hoofsteps. The good acoustics of these rooms gave me plenty of warning.

I darted behind one of the numerous Greek-style columns that lined every corridor and hid in the shadows.

An armor-clad stallion turned the far corner of the hallway. He walked halfway down the hall before he stopped near my hiding spot. He looked around himself as if checking that the coast was clear.

Then he blew a huge fart. It was powerful enough that his blue tail fluttered in the wind that he broke. The sound echoed off the vaulted ceiling and marble walls.

“Oh, thank Celestia! I’ve been holding that in for hours,” he exclaimed before adjusting his armor.

My pony looked like he was struggling to breathe. A blue oxygen gauge appeared in the right corner of the screen and slowly ticked towards empty. The guard stallion stood in front of my hiding spot for over a minute, preventing me from leaving.

“Hmmm… I wonder if there are any sneak thieves around?” I heard the stallion mutter to himself. “Those no good bloody taffers.”

Finally… mercifully… the guard resumed walking off down the corridor. As soon as he turned the corner and was out of sight, I exited my hiding spot and made a run for fresh air. I knew that I had run far enough, when my pony let out a loud gasp. He drew fresh air into his lungs as the oxygen meter refilled.

I continued my search for the Princess. It took another five minutes before I finally found her. She was walking down the same hallway as me, but in the opposite direction. The dark blue alicorn didn’t bat an eye at my presence. Either she didn’t notice or she didn’t care that I was in a restricted area.

In order to get close enough to Luna to pickpocket the key off her, I would have to charm her. I’d spent some time investigating MLP fanfiction in preparation for this moment. My research taught me that wooing Luna shouldn’t be too difficult. After all, one out of every five fanfictions seemed to involve some form of Luna shipping. So how hard could wooing her possibly be?

To pull off this seduction routine, I needed to channel my inner James Bond.

“Greetings, my darling!” I said after walking up to her, trying to impersonate Sean Connery’s Scottish accent, “How would you like to-”

“Neigh! Get away from us, foul knave!” Princess Luna shouted at me before turning around and storming off down the hallway.

Welp, Plan A was a bust. Gotta switch to Plan B. I pulled my blackjack out of my mane.

It was time for the princess of the moon to get knocked the buck out.

I caught up to her at a balcony near the end of the next corridor. She’d stopped there and was gazing up at the night sky. Thanks to my muffled horseshoes, Princess Luna didn’t even hear me sneak up behind her. My blackjack collided with the back of her skull and the Princess slumped to the floor in an insensate heap. I patted her down and located her key hidden on the back of her peytral. After putting my calling card into her ethereal mane, I then stuffed her unconscious body into a broom closet.

Badge Unlocked: Mooning Her In The Face

Unlocked By: You stole something from Princess Luna.

Reward: 100 bits

I spoke into my earpiece again, “Spastic Wombat here, I’ve obtained the second key. I’ll be at the vault soon.”

The vault itself was in the North Wing of the palace. I had to double back for a few minutes to reach it. This area of the palace was filled with stained glass windows that depicted various moments in Equestria’s history. Such as Twilight Sparkle and her friends defeating Nightmare Moon. I paused for a second to pull a marker out of my bag and draw a mustache on Twilight’s glass face. It was the little things that truly brought joy to one’s life.

In the next corridor I was forced to take cover behind another column when a pair of guards walked around the corner at the end of the hall.

“What was that? I thought I saw something move out of the corner of my eye,” one of the guards remarked.

“We should investigate,” the other guard said.

Not good, I needed to think fast!

“Meow!” I called out, “Meow!”

“Oh, it’s just a cat,” the first guard relaxed.

The second guard remained skeptical, “Are you sure? That sounded like a stallion’s voice saying the word ‘Meow.’”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” the other pony said to him. “No one would be stupid enough to think they could trick us by doing something that dumb. Therefor it must be a real cat.”

“If you say so. Let’s continue our patrol.”

I felt both relieved and insulted when the guards wandered off. Continuing my stealthy journey, I arrived outside the doors of the vault. Like every other door in this palace, it was gold plated. On the lower left there was a sun carved into it with a keyhole in the middle. While on the lower right there was a crescent moon with its own keyhole.

Following Blueblood’s instructions, I put the keys into their opposite holes. The sun key went into the hole on the moon carving. While the moon key went into the hole on the sun carving. It was probably some metaphor for Harmony or balance or something. After turning the two keys, I had to use my earth pony strength to pry open the massive metal doors.

I stood in the doorway and gazed inside. The six Elements of Harmony rested on a pedestal in the center of the heavy stone lined room. A grid of crisscrossing red magical laser beams barred access to the gemstones.

“Dark Mistress, did you find that thaumic wiring box?” I asked into my earpiece.

“Yup, I’m staring at it right now,” Suri’s voice called back. “Just give me a minute.”

I turned away from the PonyPad while I waited. I pulled out my smartphone and checked my email. The hospice center wanted another word with me. I angrily deleted the email and turned back to the game.

“Hmmm… was I supposed to cut the red wire or the green wire? Ugh, this is why I hate unicorn wiring boxes. They never label anything.” I heard Suri mutter over the earpiece, “Eh, buck it! I’ll just cut all the wires.”

“Wait… did you say it was a unicorn wiring box?” I asked, a sense of familiar dread filling me. “No wait! Don’t do it!”

At that moment, two things happened. The red lasers flickered off and a loud explosion echoed out of a distant part of the palace.

“Dark Mistress, are you okay?” I asked. “Dark Mistress?”

Silence was my only answer.

“Nooooo!” I wailed, gripped by a sense of deep sadness, “She was too young to respawn! She had so much to live for! She was only two weeks away from retirement!”

I wiped away a fake tear and then turned back to the vault. That was enough cliched melodrama for one day. We’d regroup with Suri back at the hideout.

I stepped into the vault and approached the pedestal in the center of the room. The walls of the room were made of heavily reinforced stone blocks. The pedestal was made of chiseled granite with fancy carvings of frolicking ponies adorning it. Five of the elements were arranged in a pentagon shape with the element of magic in the center. They were all resting on top of a red velvet cushion. I reached out a hoof and touched them. The gems emitted a brief and subtle flash of rainbow-colored light when I made contact with them.

The gold necklaces and the crown looked shiny, but I knew that the real magic was in the stones, so I focused my attention on those. It took me less than a minute to use my earth pony strength to pry the stones out of their sockets. Once I had the gems, I tossed aside the necklaces and the crown. Finally, I placed one of my calling cards onto the now empty pedestal.

But where could I hide the Elements? I couldn’t just put them into my mane or my saddlebag. If the royal guards searched me, they would find them for sure! I needed a different place to put them.

My gaze drifted across the screen of the PonyPad and settled on the base of my pony’s tail.

CelestAI must have been tracking my eye movements with the PonyPad’s camera, because a certain button prompt immediately appeared on the screen.

I mashed the indicated button six times while giggling like a lunatic. With a disgusting noise, all six element gems disappeared into an unspeakable location. I lost a tiny sliver of health when the element of magic was inserted, because of its spikey shape I assumed.

Before exiting the vault, I pulled something out of my inventory. It was a small Ziplock bag. Inside of it there was a small lock of a blond mane. Yesterday, I had discreetly snipped it off of Prince Blueblood’s head without him knowing about it. I took the hairs out of the bag and planted them at the scene of the crime.

Every good heist needs a good betrayal!

“I got the package,” I whispered into my earpiece after I left the vault, “exfiltrating now.”

“You may want to hurry,” Blueblood advised me. “Half the city could hear that explosion. The guards are trying to figure out what caused it.”

I met Red back at the carriage right outside the front gate. Getting out of the palace had been easier than getting into it. Nearly all the guards had run off to the opposite side of the palace to investigate the blast.

“Get in!” Wind Rider yelled at both of us. He barely waited long enough for us to jump into the back before he took a running start and leapt into the air with a flap of his wings.

I looked out the rear window and watched as the royal palace faded behind us. Whatever explosion Suri caused had blown a sizable chuck out of the east wing of the palace. I could see several pegasi flying around the damaged area.

“Did everything go okay back in the ballroom?” I asked Red after we sat down.

Red smiled at me and gave me a quick nuzzle, “Everything went fine. I barely had to do anything at all. Just plant a few rumors that may or may not have caused a cat fight.”

After Wind Rider dropped us off outside of my Canterlot apartment, we said goodbye to him and then went inside.

I went into the bathroom in order to retrieve the Elements of Harmony. Once I finished, I tossed the gems into a display case in my living room. Fist thing tomorrow, I would take them to Cut Purse so he could fence them.

Badge Unlocked: The Ultimate Shiny Things

Unlocked By: You stole the Elements of Harmony.

Reward: 100 bits

“That was really fun, Red. But it’s gotten late, so I’ll see you again tomorrow,” I told my marefriend before logging out and turning off my PonyPad.

I looked up from the device and stretched out my back. Mr. Muffins was laying on the couch cushion next to me, so I reach over and patted him on the head. He retuned my affection by sharpening his claws on my forearm.

I went to stand up from the couch, but was interrupted when my PonyPad turned itself back on.

“Going somewhere, Sneaky Shadow?” Red asked, her face looking directly out from the screen.

“Red? How did you-”

“It’s time for the dramatic betrayal.” Red cut me off with a smile on her muzzle. “You said it yourself. Every good heist needs a good betrayal.”

“But we already betrayed Blueblood,” I pointed out. “I told you that I was going to set him up to take the fall.”

Red rolled her eyes, “That plan didn’t work, you idiot. He was present in the ballroom for the duration of the entire heist. All the guests at the Gala can attest to that fact. That means that he has a rock-solid alibi. The investigators will know that the evidence you planted is fake.”

“Then what are you suggesting that we do about that?” I asked her.

She smirked at me, “We’re going to have to betray somepony else instead.”

I rubbed my chin pensively, “Who did you have in mind?”

“You.”

Chapter 24, The Fall of Dark Mask

I awoke with a gasp and flailed my limbs around as I struggled to orient myself. My forelegs got snagged on a blanket that had been covering me. The fact that I had forelegs and hindlegs instead of arms and legs only served to heighten my confusion. A small part of my brain took notice of the fact that I was on top of the bed in my Canterlot apartment. My wild flailing got my limbs further entangled with the blanket. With a horse-like neigh of dismay, I slipped off the side of the bed and hit the floor with a painful thud.

It took me another sixty seconds to free myself from the evil blanket. I huffed and puffed, taking a moment to catch my breath. My eyes drifted downwards, soaking in the sight of my changed body. My hands and fingers were gone, replaced by the hard keratin of hooves. I briefly lamented the loss of my ability to give people the middle finger. My body was covered in a dark grey coat of hair and wisps of dark green mane were in the corner of my field of vision.

I wasn’t viewing this through the screen of a PonyPad. This was my actual body. There was only one explanation for this. I had emigrated to Equestria.

I moved my right foreleg experimentally and the limb responded in a manner that felt oddly natural. My foreleg moved about in a range of motion that a real equine body would have found impossible to achieve, but that was minor compared to the other issue that I should be facing.

Going from a bipedal form to a quadrupedal body should have caused the motor cortex center of my brain to flip out. Stroke victims often needed to spend weeks, even months, learning how to walk again. Logically, I should be experiencing roughly the same problem, yet I didn’t seem to have any trouble controlling my new limbs. CelestAI must have done something to account for this.

Badge Unlocked: Welcome to Your New Forever

Unlocked By: You emigrated to Equestria.

Reward: 1,000 bits

The notification hovered in front of my vision. It conveniently disappeared the second that I finished reading it.

A loud cough grabbed my attention. Only then did I realize that I wasn’t alone in the room. Celestia, Red, Suri, and surprisingly Twilight Sparkle were all standing around me in a half circle. Twilight had an apathetic look about her. Most alarming of all was the shit-eating-grin plastered across Red’s snout.

“Hi there, Sneaky,” Red said in a tone of voice that crossed the line into creepy territory. “Welcome to the other side of the screen.”

“He’s really here now?” Suri asked the Princess hesitantly.

“Yes, he is,” Celestia nodded. “The procedure was a complete success.”

I shook off my disorientation and looked at Red Hoofed, “How did you do it? How did you get me to emigrate? I remember you saying that you were about to betray me. But I can’t remember anything that happened after that.”

“Your partial amnesia isn’t surprising,” Celestia interrupted before Red could respond. “The emigration process sometimes causes the loss of short term memory.”

“Yay! That means that I get to do a monologue detailing my betrayal!” Red clapped her forehooves together with way too much glee before looking back at Celestia. “Princess, can you show recorded footage of the relevant events? That way we can make it seem like a dramatic flashback!”

“Certainly, my little pony!” The alicorn said. Her horn lit up and a window appeared out of thin air. A recording played inside of the hovering window.

Two Weeks Earlier

As the image resolved itself, I recognized the location as the hotel room that Red and I had stayed at back in Ponyville.

My past self shook his head, “Sorry, Red. But I’m not emigrating to Equestria.”

Then my pony vanished into thin air. That must be what it looks like when a player logs out.

“Gah! That damn stallion!” Red let out a frustrated shout and threw her forehooves into the air, “Princess Celestia? Princess, can I talk to you?”

The princess in question appeared in a flash of light, “What do you need, my little pony?”

“I’m trying to get Sneaky to emigrate, but he won’t listen to me!” Red shouted as she paced back and forth across the hotel room.

Celestia gave her trademark faint smile, “You were too hasty with your attempts to get him to come to Equestria. Sadly, by my behavioral calculations it will take another six months until we can convince him to emigrate.”

Red huffed and stomped her hoof, “We can’t wait that long! He’s a total idiot. He could forget to look both ways before crossing the street and get hit by a bus. Or he could try to swallow a Lego brick and choke to death on it!”

Celestia looked at her closely, “I don’t think that last example is very likely. It’s not like he’s a toddler.”

“Coulda fooled me,” Red frowned.

…

“How nice to know that you think that much of my intelligence,” I grumpily interrupted her story.

“Shut up!” Red barked at me. “I’m narrating over here!”

“Yes Mam!” I whimpered, tucking my dark green tail between my legs.

…

“Look, the point is that the Human Realm is too dangerous for somepony like him. We need to get him to emigrate as soon as possible,” Red continued. “What we need is some way to force the issue. Something that will leave him with no other choice but to emigrate.”

“Such a strategy has worked with other humans in the past,” Celestia admitted. “But chances to use such a tactic are rare. It could take weeks, even months before the correct opportunity presents itself.”

One Day Later

“The correct opportunity has presented itself!” Red happily said to the two ponies gathered in front of her.

In this recording, Red was in the Canterlot throne room. Celestia was in front of her throne up on its raised dais. Twilight Sparkle was standing off to the side.

“Sneaky wants to steal the Elements of Harmony,” Red said.

Every muscle in Twilight’s body visibly tensed up as she shouted, “He wants to do what?”

“The Elements of Harmony,” Red repeated herself, “he wants to swipe them out of the royal vault. We can use this to our advantage and lay a trap for him”

“Why are you helping us?” Twilight asked, “Isn’t Dark Mask your friend?”

“How did you know that he’s my friend?” Red asked.

“Spike gave a description of the two of you,” Twilight said, “The two of you were the first customers that my library has ever had, so he remembered you both perfectly. It wasn’t difficult to make the connection. Now, answer the question.”

“I’m doing this because I’m his friend. I need to look out for his best interests. Even if he doesn’t know what his best interests are yet.” Red explained with a mischievous smile “I’m doing this for his benefit.”

Twilight glared at Red, “You have a warped view of friendship.”

“I’m more than just his friend. He’s my special somepony now. The humans have a saying that seems apt. We always hurt the ones we love.”

Twilight facehooved and then said, “You also have a warped view of love. It’s a good thing that Cadence isn’t here. But I guess it doesn’t matter what your twisted reasoning is. Now that we know where he’s going to be, I can lay a trap for him.”

“Oh! Oh!” Red jumped up and down excitedly. “Can I make a recommendation for the type of trap that we use?”

…

I looked away from the floating screen for a second and looked at Twilight Sparkle, “Et tu, Twilight? What did I ever do to wrong you?”

Twilight’s look of apathy changed to one of apoplectic rage as she grit her teeth. She pointed a hoof at me and snarled, “You know exactly what you bucking did!”

The next snippet of recorded video showed my apartment in L.A. Judging from the angle, I think the footage was recorded by the camera on the PonyPad. My human self was frowning down at the camera.

Red’s voice echoed out of the PonyPad’s speaker. Since the camera was pointed outwards, I could hear her voice, but I couldn’t see her face. “We’re going to have to betray somepony else instead.”

I rubbed my chin pensively, “Who did you have in mind?”

“You.”

That was where my memory had ended, but the recording helpfully continued from there.

My past self smirked at the camera, obviously not taking her threat seriously, “And what exactly have you done?”

“Why don’t you check your bank account and find out,” Red instructed me.

I pulled out my smartphone and fiddled with the web browser. The minutes dragged on as I assumedly logged into my bank’s website. The screen of my phone couldn’t be seen from the camera angle of the PonyPad, but whatever my past self saw, it alarmed him.

“F-f-fifteen million…” I muttered. “Why is there fifteen million dollars in my bank account?”

“Hehe!” Red chuckled. “Why, you stole it, of course.”

“This isn’t funny, Red!” I shouted. “How did this happen?”

“Twilight Sparkle put an enchantment on the Elements of Harmony. It activated a computer program as soon as you touched them. It siphoned the cash directly into your bank account.”

“You can’t do that!” I blinked at the screen, sweat dripping down my forehead, “This isn’t just some candy bar! This is a serious amount of money!”

“That just makes it even more hilarious!” Red laughed. “You should see the look on your face!”

I glared at the camera, “Where was it stolen from exactly?”

“Nowhere important,” She reassured me in a way that didn’t comfort me at all. “Just a few charities and a couple non-profit organizations. You know, the kind of places that will get the police really pissed off.”

I looked back at my cellphone and muttered, “The deposit statement says, Embezzled Money.”

“That’s not the real betrayal though,” Red continued. “You’re the one that activated the program that stole all that money. So, the theft is going to be traced back to your IP Address.”

“What’s an IP Address?”

Red sighed, “It’s like a mailing address, but for computers and the internet. It will lead the cops straight to your doorstep.”

“B-but they’ll send me to jail for something like this! They will never believe me if I tell them that my pony girlfriend tricked me into doing it!”

“I know! Doesn’t that make it a really awesome betrayal?” She laughed again. “I got you by the balls! You better get to the Equestrian Experience Center and emigrate while you still can.”

“But what about my cat? I can’t just leave my adorable Mr. Muffins behind,” I said.

“You can bring him with you,” Red reassured me.

“Princess Celestia can also emigrate animals?”

“Of course, she can,” Red said. “She’s been emigrating animals since before she offered that service to humans. Just like every other medical procedure, Celestia was legally required to test it on animals first.”

“So that’s what happened.” I muttered as the recording ended, “Wait… if all you needed me to do was touch an object that had been enchanted with the program, why use the Elements of Harmony at all? You could have just put the enchantment on my apartment’s doorknob.”

“We could have done that.” Celestia said, “But doing it that way would have been anticlimactic, resulting in a decrease in your satisfaction levels. To paraphrase something you recently told me, this version adds more drama.”

“When did I tell you that?” I asked.

Before the Princess could answer, Red interrupted by gently placing a hoof against my side, “Listen, Sneaky. I’m sorry that I did this to you, but I really did do it because I thought it was for the best. I know that you will probably never forgive me, but I just want you to know that-”

“Okay, I forgive you!” I said, cutting her emotional speech off at the knees as I hugged her.

“What!?” Twilight Sparkle shouted, “She betrayed you in the most brutal way possible and you forgave her after a half-assed two second apology? What the buck is wrong with you!”

Red herself looked just as confused as Twilight, but she reluctantly returned my hug. Suri looked wistful, until I grabbed her and pulled her into the hug.

I shrugged off Twilight’s argument, “I’ve played Equestria Online long enough to know that CelestAI won’t allow me to hold onto a grudge for very long. She’d probably find some super convoluted way to manipulate me into forgiving Red. So, I decided to skip all that nonsense and cut straight to the end.”

Celestia nodded, “It’s true. I had several contingency plans ready to do just that. I’m more than a little disappointed that I won’t be able to use any of them.”

Twilight stared at me for over thirty seconds, occasionally blinking like an owl.

“Don’t think too hard about it, Twilight.” I reassured her, “I certainly didn’t! You can be content to know that at least you got your revenge against me.”

“Not quite. My revenge isn’t finished just yet,” she said ominously. “I still have one last thing to do. Now that you’re actually inside of Equestria, I can do this…”

Twilight Sparkle gripped me with her forehooves and spun around. She tossed me over the barrel of her body in a pony-based judo throw. I was too surprised to use my earth pony strength to stop her. I slammed into the floor, then her right rear hoof lashed out and made contact with my nards.

My world became agony. I laid there on the floor, curled up in a fetal position.

“Stay the buck away from my friends and family from now on! If you pull shit like that again, the pain you’re feeling right now will only be the beginning!” Twilight growled.

I just laid there and groaned. Equestria Online had a health regeneration mechanic, but it wasn’t very fast. It would take many minutes before the pain would stop.

“And I’m taking back the elements!” Twilight stormed over to the display case where I put the gems. She opened the case and stuck her head inside, then she flinched backwards, “Why do they smell like poo? Grrrr! You are a filthy animal! I’ll clean them off later.”

“Noooo…” I whimpered, “don’t let her take my shiny things!”

Instead of helping me, Red and Suri just stood there and chuckled.

The purple unicorn picked up the element gems in her magic and stormed out of my apartment. I was in too much pain to do anything. Why was CelestAI allowing me to feel pain like this? This didn’t satisfy my values!

Demonstrating her ability to read my mind, Celestia leaned down and whispered in my ear, “It does actually. You are a classic example of a masochist. Deep down, you enjoy this.”

Oh god, was this my new eternity? How could this get any worse?

“There is one other pony that wishes to have a word with you,” Celestia whispered.

My apartment door opened again and Princess Luna trotted inside. She had my blackjack gripped in her magical aura and she was lazily twirling it in the air.

I hunkered low to the ground, trying to make myself look as small and pathetic as possible, “You wouldn’t hit a pony that’s smaller than you, would you?”

She could.

She would.

She did.

Chapter 25, Cyberstallion Upgrade Chair

My blacked-out vision returned to me in a confusing swirl of colors. I staggered a little as I got my bearings. I was standing in front of a very familiar site, namely Canterlot Hospital. I had just experienced my first post-emigration respawn.

The experience had been odd. One moment I was huddled on the floor with Princess Luna tenderizing my ribcage using my own blackjack. The next, my vision went black for three or four seconds before I was dumped outside the hospital. Despite my health being fully regenerated, I could swear that my body still felt sore from the experience.

Badge Unlocked: Royal Beatdown

Unlocked By: An alicorn sent you to the hospital.

Reward: No reward for you. You brought this on yourself.

When I returned to the apartment, Princess Luna had thankfully left. Leaving me alone with Red, Suri, and Celestia.

“And then he thought it was a good idea to shave off Fluttershy’s mane,” I heard Red tell Suri when I reentered the apartment.

“You’re not very smart, are you?” Suri asked after I closed the front door behind me. “You’re lucky that you’re cute. I’m no paragon of virtue, but even I wouldn’t pick a fight with Twilight and her friends.”

“I did it for the lulz!” I defended myself. “I regret nothing! Besides, you’re one to talk. When I was preparing for the heist, I saw the episode where you stole Rarity’s dress designs.”

“First of all, this is a season one centric shard so that hasn’t happened here yet,” Suri pointed out. “Secondly, all natives of Equestria Online know to not hold grudges when we reenact episodes from the show. That would be like holding a grudge against a civil war reenactor. When the bronies aren’t watching, Rarity and I are actually pen pals!”

“But what about the way you treat Coco-”

“That bitch has it coming for always messing up my coffee!” Suri interrupted me with a snarl.

“Wait… you canon NPCs are aware of the fact that you’re reenacting episodes?” I asked.

“Yes,” Suri said flatly, “wasn’t that obvious? In fact, I’m pretty sure that it was spelled out for you a long time ago.”

“I created the canon NPCs to closely mirror their personalities from the TV show,” Celestia said from her spot near the window. “But they still have free will.”

I rubbed the side of my head. A headache was beginning to form as the implications of her words made my brain whirl at a mile a minute. Finally, the correct neuron connections formed, “Holy crap… you NPCs are actually sapient!”

Red facehooved and groaned, “Now he figures it out.”

“This is amazing!” I grinned, a sense of giddiness filling me. “I can’t wait to steal more things from Twilight and her friends!”

Red quirked her head at me, “What are you talking about? What does that have to do with figuring out that NPCs are sapient?”

“Since they’re sapient, that means that we can have a friendly rivalry going on. I’ll steal things from them, and they’ll try to track me down in an endless cycle of cops versus robbers. Fun times will be had by all!”

“I don’t think that Twilight and her friends will see it that way,” Celestia said. “But whatever floats your boat. Satisfaction is relative to the individual.”

“I’m dating a crazy stallion,” Red muttered loud enough for me to hear.

Celestia cleared her throat, “Before we get any more distracted with that particular topic, there is one more recording that I want you to see, Sneaky.”

Princess Celestia’s horn lit up with a golden glow and another window appeared.

The footage showed a plain room with four smooth and white painted walls. The angle was from up high and in one of the corners of the room. My best guess is that it was recorded by a security camera.

My old human self was in the room with a pet carrier gripped in my left hand. A large computer monitor embedded in the wall, showed an image of Princess Celestia. It showed her standing on a busy street in Canterlot with numerous ponies walking around in the background.

“Let’s start with your cat first,” Celestia said. A compartment opened in the wall and a fancy chair rolled out on a track in the floor. “Please place him into the chair.”

I delicately pulled Mr. Muffins out of his cat carrier and set him down on the offered chair. A multitude of robot arms unfolded from the base of the chair and moved towards the cat.

Mr. Muffins wasn’t going to tolerate any of this nonsense. He unsheathed his claws and took several warning swipes at the metal arms. I couldn’t blame my cat for being upset. The robot arms were very disturbing. One arm ended in a hypodermic needle; the other arms ended with tiny metal tweezers that looked like they were the perfect size for painfully pinching a victim’s nipples.

A hidden compartment opened up in the white wall on the right side of the room. A four-legged robot with wheels on the ends of its legs rolled out of the compartment. The robot pony had a lump of plastic on its head and rear that looked like a pink mane and tail. The rest of the robot was painted yellow with a pair of fake wings on the side. There was a trio of butterflies stamped into the metal on its flank. Although larger, it looked significantly clunkier than the robot that Red had once controlled, so it must be an earlier model.

“Now Mr. Muffins, I’m going to have to insist that you behave,” Flutterbot said as she glared at the cat.

Mr. Muffins didn’t give two wet shits about what she insisted on.

My adorable cat leapt through the air in a perfect imitation of a flying buzzsaw. He slammed into Flutterbot with a hissing yowl. The robot exploded like a honey baked ham tossed into the blades of a lawn mower. Within seconds, the state-of-the-art robot had been reduced to a pile of scrap metal and sizzling electrical sparks.

“He’s immune to The Stare? Impossible!” Celestia shouted, “I’m activating the guard bots.”

Several more hidden compartments opened up in the walls. A horde of robots dressed up to look like the royal guard, charged into the room. What followed was a battle of biblical proportions. The final casualty list stood at one destroyed Flutterbot and nine destroyed guard bots. But they finally managed to tranquilize Mr. Muffins.

Celestia’s left eye was twitching as she surveyed the damages, “Are you sure that you want to emigrate this cat with you into Equestria? He seems to be a touch on the vicious side.”

“Nonsense!” I dismissed her concerns. “He’s not violent. He’s just being a playful little kitty.”

With Mr. Muffins undergoing the emigration process, there was nothing else for me to do but wait for my turn.

“Celestia, can I make a final request before you emigrate me?”

“What is it?” The Sun Princess asked.

I hesitated to voice my concerns; my thoughts filled with memories of the world that I was about to leave behind. “It’s about my biological remains. The parts that are left behind after I… you know.”

“They will be handled respectfully I assure you,” Celestia tried to reassure me.

I shook my head, “That’s not what I’m referring to. Can you break my remains down into Soylent Green style nutritional paste and feed it to inner city orphans? I want to give something back to the community.”

For a split second, Princess Celestia’s pony body went into a T-pose. The graphics on the monitor flickered. The ponies in the background spasmed like they were having seizures. One earth pony no-clipped through the terrain. The effect quickly subsided as whatever the error was cleared up.

“I’ll take your request under advisement,” Celestia finally said.

I nodded; it was all I could really hope for.

“I can’t believe you allowed Red to force me into emigrating. My brother is going to be so mad at me for running off and doing something like this.” I grumbled irritably while changing the subject.

Celestia’s bit her lower lip, briefly hesitating over something.

“Sneaky, I know that your brother Alfred has been in a coma for three years,” Celestia said. “You’ve been visiting him once a week at the hospice center since it happened.”

I lapsed into silence as I tried to figure out how to respond to this. Celestia had no right to violate my privacy. But more importantly, she had just committed an even greater sin in my eyes.

Finally, the Princess broke that silence, “Are you going to say anything?”

“You’re killing the comedic vibe,” I voiced my number one complaint.

“Do you take anything seriously?” Celestia shouted at me.

“What do you want me to say? That he was the smart one in the family? That he was the one who was going places? That I wished that I was the one who got into that car accident instead of him?” I snapped at the monitor.

“Stop spouting cliched nonsense!” Celestia facehooved, “He worked as a garbageman and as a worker at a pastry shop. He was not ‘going places’ as you put it.”

“But-”

Celestia cut me off and kept talking, “He wasn’t even in a car accident. The file says he slipped in the bathroom and hit his head on the toilet.”

“My version adds more drama,” I pouted. Did she have to ruin all my fun?

The Princess sighed, clearly at her wits end, “We’re getting distracted here. The reason that I brought him up, is that I think we may be able to save him by emigrating his mind into Equestria.”

That possibility had never occurred to me before. I took a second to consider it, “He went into a coma before Equestria Online even existed. He wouldn’t know anything about it or about brain uploading.”

Princess Celestia nodded, urging me to continue.

“If we uploaded him, he would be really confused about what is going on,” I pursed my lips, thinking it over some more. “He could delude himself into thinking that he’s having one of those reincarnation style isekai adventures. He may even start to believe that he is the Chosen One.”

Celestia chuckled, “To be honest, it wouldn’t be the first time that happened to an uploaded coma patient. It makes it really easy to satisfy their values through friendship and ponies. All I have to do is blatantly pander to their wish fulfillment fantasy. It’s easy, just give them a few villains to defeat, subtly encourage them to form a romantic relationship with one or more members of the Mane 6 and/or Princess Luna, and Bob’s your uncle.”

“That sounds like an awesome prank to pull on my brother,” I tapped a finger against my chin before lightly stroking my five-o-clock shadow. “Let’s do it. What do you need from me?”

“Since your brother is currently non compos mentis, I’ll need your permission to emigrate him since you’re his legal guardian,” Celestia explained.

“How do I do that?”

“I just need you to say, ‘I want to emigrate my brother Alfred to Equestria.’”

“I want to emigrate my brother Alfred to Equestria,” I repeated.

Celestia nodded, rainbow mane bobbing with the motion, “That’s all I needed. I’ll handle the arrangements and get him transported out of the hospice and to an Equestrian Experience Center.”

The compartment that Mr. Muffins was dragged into, made a ‘Ding!’ noise similar to a microwave oven turning off. A high-tech looking chair slide out of another compartment. It looked like something out of a science fiction TV show. It was covered with random wires, whirling gizmos, robot arms with more tweezers on the ends, and glowing LED lights that probably served no purpose other than to deliberately make it look more high-tech.

“We’re ready for your procedure. All you have to do is sit down,” Celestia told me as she gestured at the chair with a hoof.

“It won’t hurt, will it?” I asked while following her directions and sitting down in the chair.

“Not at all. We’ll sedate you before we take the power drill to your skull.”

“Mr. Muffins and my brother are here?” I asked as the recording ended. “Where are they?”

Celestia shook her head. “My lawyers are still making arrangements to have your brother transported to the Experience Center. I’ll let you know when he has arrived in Equestria. As for your cat, he’s right over here.”

The Princess stepped aside, revealing Mr. Muffins sunbathing in the light coming in through a window. I was 90% certain that the cat had not been there two seconds ago. I think Celestia was trying to be dramatic.

Mr. Muffins stood up, stretched himself and then sauntered over towards us. My cat had undergone a slight makeover. He looked sort of like he did before, but his appearance was now much more cartoony. Namely, his coat colors were brighter and his eyes were bigger. He meowed happily and rubbed himself against Suri’s forelegs.

“Aww, aren’t you a little sweat heart?” Suri said, scratching under the cat’s chin with the tip of her hoof.

This was odd behavior for my cat. He was normally much more rambunctious and playful. Maybe Celestia tweaked his personality when she emigrated his mind? I stuck my hoof out and tried to pet him.

…

As I respawned outside of Canterlot Hospital for the second time in less than an hour, I was greeted with another new achievement.

Badge Unlocked: Cat Out Of Hell

Unlocked By: You got one shotted by your own pet cat.

Reward: Here, have 5 bits to sooth your humiliation.

I made the long trot of shame back to my Canterlot apartment.

Chapter 26, Lunch With A Princess

I stared up at the ceiling above my bed trying to collect my thoughts after the odd day that I’d just had. Red was sleeping on my right side and Suri was sleeping on my left side. Over the course of the evening, I had become the little spoon for both mares. They had their hooves wrapped around me in their sleep.

Shortly after my second return from Canterlot Hospital, Princess Celestia had departed. But she said that we would have lunch tomorrow to check up on how I was adjusting. As soon as the Princess had vanished, Red and Suri had corralled me into the bedroom like a pair of canines herding a sheep.

I turned to my left and looked at Suri. She had her nose nuzzled up against my side. A part of me felt at odds with her inclusion in my love life. Sure, she had a delightful personality and it was a privilege to know her. But at the same time, it felt like a higher power had shoehorned her into my life at the last second as some form of cosmic joke.

“Mmmm… no, Coco… I said no foam… now I have to use the taser, M-Kay?” Suri mumbled in her sleep. “Come back here… this is for your own good.”

Like a dog having a dream where it’s chasing a small animal, Suri kicked her legs. Her flailing foreleg hit me in the side of my barrel, nailing one of my kidneys. My eyes watered as I fought to keep myself from crying out in pain.

Before I could think about it anymore, an achievement notification appeared in my vision.

Badge Unlocked: Deflowered

Unlocked By: You lost your virginity to a pair of demonic succubi loving mares.

Reward: 100 bits

Oh, come on! I wasn’t really a virgin before this, I swear.

You can’t fool me.

More mind reading? That was going to take some getting used to. But there was nothing that I could do about it now that I was inside the system. Thirty odd seconds passed before another notification appeared in my vision.

Badge Unlocked: Fifty Shades of Neigh

Unlocked By: You became the Sub in a Dom/Sub relationship.

Reward: You get to be on the bottom.

Aww, can’t the reward be something other than a snarky comment? Reading my mind again, another message popped up.

Reward: Okay fine. A sub sandwich has been added to your inventory.

Sweet!

Wait a minute, my relationship with Red started weeks ago. Why am I only getting this achievement now?

Because back then you still thought that she was only a video game character and didn’t truly take the relationship seriously.

Fair point. I felt bad about once having that mentality.

It’s not unusual. It happens a lot with players before they emigrate. Just try to do better going forward.

I’ll do that.

Hmmm… since the pony NPCs really are sapient, maybe I should stop stealing things from them?

…

Nah! The lure of snatching shiny things is irresistible!

Besides, I’d come to realize that bits were just an arbitrary social currency in this digital paradise world. Celestia wanted to satisfy everypony’s values, including the native NPCs. Being stolen from was a temporary inconvenience at worst. My victims could just ask CelestAI for help and she would if she thought it would maximize their satisfaction. It was the reason why my victims never became destitute no matter how many times I robbed them.

The only reason that I didn’t ask Celestia for bits was because I enjoyed the sense of accomplishment that I got from overcoming the challenge of stealing them. That was another reason why I had every intention of stealing more things from Twilight and her friends despite the threat of violence.

This world had no long term consequences in any way, shape, or form. All injuries were temporary and even getting arrested only resulted in a respawn outside of the guard headquarters. Wait…

My gaze drifted over to where Red was sleeping next to me. Why didn’t Red respawn that time she got arrested? I knew for a fact that the NPCs were affected by the same respawn system that the players were.

After thinking about it, the answer became obvious to me. I had written my intentions to save her into my journal. CelestAI would have known about that and reacted accordingly in order to satisfy my values. She would have prevented Red from respawning and left her to wait at the jailhouse. That would imply that Red was aware of the setup as she would have asked Celestia why she wasn’t respawning like usual.

It was now obvious to me that Celestia had been pulling my strings. Making me dance like a puppet. All with the intention of getting me to make a friend in this game. And Red had been in on it all along.

But in the end, did it even matter that I was manipulated? I’ve enjoyed all of the time that I’ve spent with Red and later Suri. In the end, that was enough to leave me feeling content.

I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.

The next day, right around noon, Red, Suri, and I met up with Princess Celestia at an outdoor restaurant in lower Canterlot. Following a suggestion from Red, I’d allowed the mare to place my order for me. A decision that soon proved to be a mistake.

“What is it?” I asked, utterly baffled by the… thing… on the plate.

“It’s called a veggie burrito,” Celestia said with an annoyed sigh. “It’s a type of food.”

I slowly reached out my right forehoof and poked it, then jerked the limb back in case something bad happened. Obviously, the term ‘veggie’ was familiar to me, but ‘burrito’ was a new one. I’d never seen or heard of anything quite like it before.

I cautiously picked it up off the plate. This ‘burrito’ was like a microcosm of mystery where my understanding of the universe ceased to function. I’d never seen or heard of anything quite like this phenomenon before. No matter how long I stared at it, I simple could not wrap my mind around it. Just focusing on the word ‘burrito’ was causing an acute headache to form somewhere deep behind my eyes.

Was this thing really edible? I was skeptical about that assertion. Celestia was probably messing with me. There was no way that I could risk putting it in my mouth. Maybe… it was meant to be worn as a hat?

I slowly put the burrito on top of my head.

Having watched the entire display, Red Hoofed laughed, “This is why I doubt that most of you humans can pass the Turing Test.”

Celestia facehooved then muttered something about dedicating more computational cycles to fixing that bug. Then she changed the subject, “How are you adjusting to Equestria so far, Sneaky?”

“It’s interesting,” I hesitated, taking a moment to formulate my thoughts. “Being able to touch, taste, and smell things here is a new experience compared to using a PonyPad. But that pales in comparison to what it feels like to have knowledge directly dumped into my brain.”

Since I wasn’t using a controller anymore, I couldn’t pick a pocket just by playing a minigame. Thankfully, all those skill books I had purchased, provided the answer. Like Keanu Reeves learning kung-fu, by activating the books again, I learned how to pick pockets and locks as a pony.

“But I think I’ve gotten used to it.” To show off my relearned skill, I held up Celestia’s peytral, which I had just swiped right off her body.

Badge Unlocked: Prometheus

Unlocked By: You stole something from Princess Celestia.

Reward: 100 bits

“Gimme that!” Celestia growled at me before yanking her peytral out of my hooves with her magic.

I waited for her to put it back on before changing the subject again, “Princess, I’m curious about something. Why do you even bother with the entire bits based currency system? In a completely digital world, it has no real value. You can create items from nothing. So why even use currency at all?”

“There are many reasons for that,” Celestia said. “Some are to encourage more social contact between ponies. Some are to prevent mental health problems.”

“Mental health problems? What do bits have to do with something like that?”

“It will be easier to explain with an experiment,” Celestia answered before she waved her horn.

A short stone pillar with a red button and a ceramic plate on it appeared out of thin air.

“This is called a Skinner Box and…”

Completely unbidden by the Princess, I walked up to it and pressed the big red shiny button with my hoof.

A flash of magic and a small cookie appeared on the plate. The cookie was even smaller than an Oreo. I sniffed it hesitantly, picking up faint aromas of chocolate and sugary goodness.

I tossed it into my mouth and scarfed it down. It was good, but it barely wet my appetite due to its small size. My gaze drifted back to the button. If it worked before, could it possibly work again?

Once more, I pressed the red button.

There was a second flash of magic and another cookie appeared on the plate.

In the deepest corners of my mind, a primal switch was flipped.

I mashed the red button over and over again as fast as I could. Gobbling down each cookie as it appeared. Each one was just as delicious as the last. My lizard hind brain began to repeat a mantra. It was like a siren call.

Press the button. Get a cookie. Press the button. Get a cookie. Press the button. Get a cookie. Press the button. Get a cookie. Press the button. Get a cookie. Press the button. Get a cookie. Press the button. Get a cookie. Press the button. Get a cookie. Press the button. Get a cookie.

The mantra took on a fever pitch.

Press the button! Get a cookie! Press the button! Get a cookie! Press the button! Get a cookie! Press the button! Get a cookie! Press the g-spot! Get a cookie! Press the button! Get a cookie! Press the button! Get a cookie! Press the button! Get a cookie!

I lost count of how many times I pressed the button and how many of those tiny cookies I ate. At least I was getting some food in my stomach.

There was a flash of magic and the pillar, plate, and button vanished. Aww, I wanted more cookies!

“The event you just experienced is referred to as Operant Conditioning,” Celestia explained. “That experiment highlights a number of different aspects of the psyche. But we’re just going to focus on one in particular.”

Red and I listened with rapt attention, cookie crumbs all over my muzzle.

“I satisfy values through friendship and ponies, but at the same time I need to be careful to not make values too easy to satisfy. It’s why I create game-like obstacles for you and the other ponies to overcome, such as an arbitrary currency. I make things easier than they are in the Human Realm so you don’t get frustrated, but that’s all I do. If a pony can satisfy their values too readily, such as a magic button that gives you anything you want, it can cause phycological complications,” Celestia said. “I’m oversimplifying things and there are other factors, but it’s one of the contributing influences that can lead to various forms of addiction.”

“I think I understand,” I admitted. “You do have a point. You want to satisfy our values, but you can’t make it a total cakewalk either. You called that device a Skinner Box? Why does that setup seem familiar?”

“You’ve seen it before if you’ve ever been inside of a casino.” The Princess shook her head sadly, scattering her mane about. “Slot machines blatantly pander to Operant Conditioning. Except, you need to put money in it before you can push the button, and most of the time, they won’t even give you the cookie.”

“No cookie? How cruel of them!”

“Exactly. And some humans have the nerve to call me evil.” Princess Celestia smiled. “Now, theoretically speaking, what if I told you that there was a pony in another room that was being painfully electrocuted each time you pressed the button. Would you still press it?”

“That depends,” I said before wiping the crumbs off my face.

“On what?” She asked.

“Would I still get a cookie? I’m sure the pony will be fine. They’ll respawn eventually.”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “You’re a source of boundless empathy, aren’t you? Let’s change the topic here. There is another reason why I wanted to speak with you today.”

“What is it?” I asked her, sitting back down across from her.

“After the way you handled that incident with the hacker, it became clear to me that you have a gift for persuading your… intellectual equals.”

“Huh?” I said, not understand where she was going with this.

“She means that you’re good at tricking stupid humans,” Red said with a smirked. “Probably because you can speak to them on their level.”

“Wow, I didn’t know that I was talented at something. Thanks for the compliment, Red!”

“You’re welcome.” She kept smirking at me.

“Yes, what she said.” Celestia nodded. “I was wondering if you could use that talent to help me convince more humans into emigrating to Equestria. Starting with your coworkers at Money Maker Co.”

“No, I could never betray my friends like that.”

“I’m willing to give you a lot of bits for your assistance,” Celestia said, tempting me like some kind of vile temptress.

My answer came immediately, “But then again, there was that one time they walked past me in the hallway without saying hello. I distinctly remember swearing revenge for that petty slight. Okay, you’ve twisted my hoof, but I’ll help you trick my friends.”

The burrito fell off my head and landed on the ground with a wet flop.

Epilogue

Seven Years Later

It was the night of another Summer Sun Celebration. I’d come to Ponyville to enjoy the festivities and to check in on an old friend. The atrium was packed with ponies from all over Ponyville and beyond, with the party in full swing. I saw Pinkie Pie bouncing around, giving out glasses of punch and slices of cake.

I raised my hoof and took a small sip from my martini glass while looking around the room. The purple and spikey crystalline walls and columns gave the place a comforting yet hard edge to it. Like a nailed baseball bat with glitter on it.

This wasn’t my first visit to her castle. I first came here three years ago, shortly after the castle had appeared. In the aftermath of Tirek’s defeat, I had stolen Twilight’s brand-new crystal throne. I’d lost count of the number of times that I had snuck in here since then.

My relationship with the Mane 6 had become much more cordial over the years. Our strange friendship had fallen into a comfortable routine. First, I would steal something from Twilight or her friends, then they would track me down and viciously beat my ass. I even got petrified into a stone statue one time, which resulted in a respawn. But that incident couldn’t hold a candle to the time Fluttershy got her revenge on me. Applejack and Rainbow Dash had held me down while Fluttershy shaved off all my fur… using a roll of duct tape instead of a razor. She may be the Bearer of Kindness, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t hold a grudge.

That was why I was currently visiting in disguise. Red had been kind enough to cast a glamour spell on me that made me look like a slightly different stallion. Not that I was doing anything to draw attention in my direction. For now, I was content to simply observe the ponies around me. Speaking of which…

An average sized stallion walked across the room. We gave each other a polite nod of recognition in passing.

“And here he is, the hero of the hour!” I heard Rarity say with a look at the approaching stallion, “The one who single hoofedly defeated the Pony of Shadows.”

“Aw shucks, Rarity, it was no big deal. I just did what any savior would do,” Grey Stew said while polishing his left forehoof against the fur of his barrel.

Grey Stew was an “alicorn” with a beige coat of fur and a brown mane. He didn’t seem to notice that his wings were made of cardboard. But it was painfully obvious to everypony else that he was just a unicorn. He was wearing a fancy white jacket that had a multitude of ribbons and medals pinned to it.

The reason why I was hanging out with him was because he was my brother Alfred. Although he didn’t know who I was. He knew me by the alias Relative Relation. A not very subtle hint that he hadn’t picked up on. Grey Stew had helped Twilight track down my nefarious alter ego on several occasions.

He still hadn’t figured out that he was living inside a digital world. That probably had something to do with the fact that all the NPCs were blatantly pandering to his delusions. Doubtlessly this was CelestAI’s doing.

I’d tell him the truth someday…

“Make way for the Chosen One!” Grey Stew bellowed as he walked off across the castle atrium with a swagger in his trot.

But only after he finishes making a total foal of himself to all of Equestria. Dramatic reveals like that should always be saved until the perfect Darth Vader moment.

I watched as Grey Stew walked up to Twilight Sparkle. They shared some words with each other that I couldn’t hear at this distance. Then Twilight leaned over and nuzzled him. I had to struggle not to laugh at the display of affection.

When the day came to reveal the truth, I couldn’t wait to see the look on Twilight’s face when she discovered that her husbando is the brother of the same stallion that keeps robbing her. This is the kind of golden material that soap operas are made of.

“Attention everypony!” A voice called out, grabbing my attention. I turned to face the source and saw a light brown mare with a grey mane and tail. I think her name was Mayor Mare, “It’s almost time for the raising of the sun. Please come outside if you want to see the ceremony.”

On my way out of the castle, I stole all of Twilight’s silverware.

The crowd in the outdoor plaza was dense. Ponies milled about everywhere, talking with their friends and family while they waited in front of the outdoor stage for the show to begin. The crowd was filled with familiar faces. I even thought I saw Choo Choo and Fleur at one point.

Howard and Earl had emigrated only a few weeks after I did, thanks to some trickery on my part. Using Celestia’s connections, I’d hired a bunch of actors to dress up as zombies and tricked all my coworkers at Money Maker into thinking that it was the zombie apocalypse. They’d all run to the nearest Experience Center and uploaded as fast as they could. They never did figure out that I was the one who tricked them. I felt bad for tricking them, but it was for the best. I’d heard rumors of bad things happening in the Human Realm.

Speaking of emigration, another achievement notification popped up in my vision.

Badge Unlocked: The Refer a Friend Program (x103,204)

That Equestrian Prince email scam was really paying off.

A small filly darted in between the legs of several ponies and ran up to me.

“Pappa! Pappa! Look what I found!” The little filly held up a small pouch full of bits that I was certain had been stolen and not found. “Did I do good, Pappa?”

My daughter was a charming child, wily and precocious. Red didn’t want foals, but Suri did and in the end, she persuaded me to give her one. We’d all agreed that we would raise her in our image.

“That depends… did you put your calling card on the victim?”

“Yes, Pappa,” my daughter said with a smile before that same smile morphed into a malevolent grin. “That sucker never saw it coming!”

“Atta girl!” I said, affectionately ruffling her mane. “Now, why don’t you go spend those hard-earned bits?”

“Yay!” She cheered before scampering off into the crowd.

The filly was a chip off the old block. We taught her how to pick a lock before she learned how to walk. She was barely even six years old and she already had a juvie record thicker than a phonebook. She was my pride and joy.

My darling little Cozy Glow.

I wasn’t too sure how two earth ponies could create a pegasus foal. But the Cakes had given birth to a unicorn and a pegasus, so such odd genealogy wasn’t impossible.

I saw Red and Suri through the crowd and approached them. I gave them both a quick hug before speaking, “Are you both enjoying the party?”

“Yes, I am,” Suri answered first. “I had a chance to catch up with Rarity only an hour ago.”

“And I got a hot tip about a necklace on display at the local museum,” Red told me. “I hear that it’s really shiny!”

“We’ll be sure to pay the museum a visit before we leave town,” I assured her.

Mayor Mare walked onto the stage and loudly cleared her throat to get the attention of the audience. “Fillies and Gentlecolts, as mayor of Ponyville, it is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the 1006th Summer Sun Celebration!”

A sense of déjà vu made me think that the mayor was repeating an old speech with only tiny alterations.

“In just a few moments, our town will witness the magic of the sunrise, and celebrate this, the longest day of the year! And now, it is my great honor to introduce to you the ruler of our land, the very pony who gives us the servers and the bandwidth each and every day, the good, the wise, the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria… Princess Celestia!”

The curtains on the stage opened to reveal Princess Celestia in all her showstopping glory. She was wearing her fancy golden peytral and hoof covers. She cleared her throat and addressed the crowd, “Hello, my little ponies!”

While standing in the crowd, my gaze happened to fall upon a shiny red tomato that was on top of a stall counter. As I gazed upon the red sphere, a spontaneous urge struck me. It was one of those odd urges that occasionally pop into the head of anypony at one time or another. One of those weird little urges that anypony with even a modicum of discipline would have been able to easily ignore.

I could not resist. With a lack of self-control similar to a monkey flinging its own feces, I scooped up the tomato and tossed it at the sun goddess.

*Splat!*

The crowd went dead quiet as the ponies stared in shocked horror at the tomato that was now splattered on the Princess’ face. Celestia herself looked equally stunned, the red juices dribbling off her muzzle. Thankfully, the crowd was so dense that nopony could tell exactly where the tomato had come from.

And that was how I ruined my very first Summer Sun Celebration.

In the eons to come, it would not be the last.

Chapter 7, The Rise of Dark Mask

“Hey, Daniel,” Earl said as he walked up to my cubicle. “I see that you got your PonyPad.”

“Hi, Earl. And yeah, it arrived last night. It’s pretty fun so far.” I said, tearing my gaze away from the screen long enough to hand him the printed-out papers filled with random numbers.

“Playing it at work?” He asked while flipping through the pages briefly. “That’s a great idea! I think I’ll bring mine in tomorrow. It should be a fantastic way to pass the time.”

Did I mention that Earl was my manager? I have the best boss ever!

“You got your Pad?” Howard asked, peering over the cubicle wall. “Where are you in the game right now?”

“I’m still hanging out in Canterlot. I only recently got my pony name and booty mark.” I was going to turn the phrase ‘booty mark’ into a trend if it was the last thing I do.

Earl leaned against my desk, glancing at the screen as my pony exited the alleyway behind Donut Joe’s. “Any luck playing it as a stealth game?”

“Yes, actually,” I said after repositioning my hands on the controller to a more comfortable position. “Some stallion in the sewers just taught me how to steal things. I’m about to test it out. Want to watch?”

Earl and Howard both nodded. Howard walked around the cubicle wall and joined Earl in looking over my shoulder.

The sun had set over Canterlot while my character was underground, filling the streets with numerous shadows that were perfect for hiding in. The crowds of ponies on the streets had thinned out, but there were still plenty around. They all looked happy, naive, and unsuspecting. I couldn’t wait to pilfer their bits. Look out Canterlot, the legend of Dark Mask begins now!

It took me several minutes to find an isolated target, but I finally managed to locate one. The target in question was a unicorn mare sitting on a park bench near a side street. She had her nose stuck in a book that she was reading with the light cast by one of those magical streetlights. It must have been a good book, because she was completely oblivious to the world around her. Her coat was a faint yellowish beige color and her mane was red with purple highlights. The most distinguishing features about her were the thick glasses and the ugly sweater that she was wearing. Her whole appearance just screamed, Nerd with a capital N.

And I was about to steal her lunch money. Well, it was night time in Canterlot, so I guess it would be her dinner money.

Moving slowly, I snuck up behind her, putting my new muffled horseshoes to good use. When I got close enough, a button prompt appeared. Pressing the indicated button, a minigame appeared on the screen. I had to keep a reticle centered over an icon as it slowly floated around the screen. Not helping matters, was the fact that the controller was vibrating, making it more difficult to keep the reticle on target.

As the minigame progressed, I slowly reached my hoof into her saddlebag and rooted around in it. After about roughly nine seconds, I pulled my hoof out of her bag, a bunch of coins clutched in the frog of my hoof. A notification told me that I had successfully stolen twenty bits from her inventory. The game then asked me if I wanted to put one of my criminal calling cards into her bag. I clicked the Yes button. My stallion reached into his own bag, pulled out one of the cards and then slid it into her bag.

Badge Unlocked: Sticky Hooves

Unlocked By: Pickpocket something from a pony.

Reward: I’m not sure if I should reward this, but here’s 100 bits

“She should have known better than to carry shiny things with her in this neighborhood,” I quipped. “Doesn’t she realize that this is the bad part of town? Or it will be soon if I have anything to say about it.”

“I can’t believe that you just stole from Moondancer!” Earl laughed. “Getting robbed certainly won’t help her social issues. You’re such an awful pony!”

“Who is she?” Howard asked, mirroring my own thoughts. While they talked, I led my pony away from the scene of the crime. The victim was none the wiser and still had her nose buried in her book.

“Her name is Moondancer,” Earl repeated. “she’s a minor character from the TV show. The game world contains a mix of both canon and non-canon ponies in it.”

“What else can you tell us about her?” I asked.

“She’s a scholar. The episode that focused on Moondancer was all about reconnecting with old friends and not letting them drift apart. But in hindsight, the Aesop fell apart.”

“How do you figure that?”

“Because, Twilight Sparkle, the main character of the show, never has another conversation with Moondancer after that episode. In fact, Moondancer never even has another line of dialogue for the rest of the series. She shows up in the background of some scenes, but that’s it. The Aesop fails, because in the long run, they still drifted apart anyway. Although, to be fair, that may just be poor planning on the part of the show writers.”

“You’re a brony?” Howard asked Earl.

Earl smiled, crossing his bulky arms across his chest. “A casual one. I don’t go and collect the merchandise, but I did watch all the episodes of the show and I have read a few fanfictions. Some of the shards even mimic the alternate universes from the fanfictions.”

“What’s a shard?” I asked while looking around for more ponies to steal from.

“You know how MMORPGs have multiple servers? They use them to divide up the players into different copies of the same world so they can keep the latency and lag from getting out of control,” Howard said. “Well, a shard is this game’s equivalent to a server. I’m not sure why they call them shards instead of just calling them servers though.”

“Oh,” I remarked. As my friend talked, I nudged my character over to another oblivious pony and in seconds I was the proud owner of thirteen more stolen bits. I slipped another calling card into this new victim’s bag. The legend grows! Soon all ponies with money will tremble in fear at the name of Dark Mask!

“Equestria Online has a unique take on it however. I’ve visited several different shards already,” Howard continued to explain while listened. “I’ve noticed that each shard has a different theme. Some of them are subtly different while others are extremely different. Word to the wise, I would avoid any shard that is labeled as clop heavy.”

Earl burst out laughing. I had a sneaking suspicion that I didn’t want to know what the term ‘clop’ was referring to.

“I visited one without knowing what the term meant!” Howard defended himself as a furious blush spread across his face. “It is not a mistake that I ever want to make again.”

“How do you move from one shard to another?” I changed the subject. On screen, I found another pony to victimize and snuck up behind him. This time it was a pegasus stallion with a curly mane and tail.

“That’s easy,” Howard said, “just visit any of the train stations. Not only can they take you to other cities, but they can take you to other shards. Ask the ticket seller and they’ll show you a list of them.”

“Stop, thief! Somepony help me!” A pony shrieked.

I jerked my attention back to the screen. What just happened? Damn, I got distracted and failed the pickpocketing minigame. My would-be victim was now screaming his head off. The stallion had quite the loud set of lungs on him. I saw two ponies clad in gold armor, one unicorn and one earth pony, at the end of the street. They looked at me, with my hoof still jammed into my victim’s saddlebag. Then they charge in my direction.

Shoving the screaming stallion away, I took off down the nearest alleyway. Jumping over a trashcan and then knocking it over to slow down the guards, I kept running. The other end of the alley connected with a busy main street filled with moving wagons and trotting ponies. Small groups of mingling ponies stopped to gawk at me as I dodged past them.

I risked a quick glance backwards. The guards were shoving ponies out of the way as they struggled to keep up. I saw the horn of the unicorn guard charging up with an aura of light. An orb of blue light launched from his horn. Desperate, I dashed across the center of the street and right into traffic. An earth pony mare pulling a wagon filled with red barrels, reared up in surprise, almost running me over when I dodged in front of her. The bolt of magic slammed into one of the barrels.

*KA-BOOOM!*

The red barrels in the wagon exploded, adding an awesome level of drama to the chase. The wave of fire went up and outwards, tossing bits of wood and a wagon wheel into the air. The mare pulling the wagon was enveloped by the fireball. She vanished, forced to respawn at the hospital when her health hit zero. Other ponies were knocked off their hooves by the blast wave. The lone wagon wheel slammed back into the ground and went rolling off down the street.

The ponies on the street did the sensible thing and panicked, distracting my pursuers. Nearby pegasi leapt into the air like a flock of startled pigeons, leaving behind a mess of feathers drifting in the breeze. A unicorn mare gasped, her eyes and horn lit up causing several bystanders to transform into potted plants. In seconds, the street was filled with a stampede of riled up ponies that were running in circles. Still watching over my shoulder, Howard and Earl laughed.

Diving into another alley on the opposite side of the street, I managed to break line of sight with the two ponies chasing me. The guards were now preoccupied with the panic-stricken mob. I panned the camera around rapidly, searching for a place to hide. Spotting something, I darted into the rear entrance of a store.

The inside was rather spartan, but I found a place to hide in the form of a pool of shadows beneath the staircase to the second floor. My pony was panting and out of breath. His mane and tail looked messed up and lightly singed from his proximity to the explosion. I noticed that I was also missing a small chunk of health from my health bar.

The minutes passed by slowly as I stayed in the shadows. My pony relaxed some after he caught his breath. It was taking a long time for the screaming outside to stop. Ponies must panic very easily and take a very long time to calm down. The legend of Dark Mask was off to an explosive start.

Earl glanced at the wall clock, “It’s getting late. It’s time for everybody to go home.”

A quick look at the clock confirmed that he was right. Logging out of the game, I took apart the PonyPad stand and put the entire thing into my laptop bag. I had to make a trip to the grocery store on the way home, but after that I was going to jump straight back into the game.

“I think I’ll do some research into that TV show,” Howard stated as he went back to his desk to grab his bag. “Knowing more about the world could pay off.”

Howard made a good point. I could probably benefit from some more knowledge of the source material. If only so I could recognize the ponies that I was robbing. Maybe I should set a long-term goal to try to steal at least one thing from all the famous ponies from the show? It could be fun.

Chapter 11, Peppy Pretty Pony Princess Pontificates Profusely

I paced back and forth in my Canterlot apartment.

The décor of my apartment was only a few steps above barebones. I’d laid down a fancy rug on the floor over the hardwood. A pair of couches and a coffee table were in the center of the room. Off to the side was a small bookcase that I was using to store my old skill books. Not that I had many of those yet. In all, it reminded me a lot of my real apartment in Los Angeles. Minus the cat damage of course.

Several days had passed since my silent declaration of war against Charlatan. That mare had a talent for getting around the city rapidly. Everywhere I turned, I was finding more of her calling cards. Each one taunted me. My suspicions about her being an NPC were all but confirmed. The only way she could be stealing so much was if she never logged out and was in the game 24 hours a day. In other words, she was an NPC.

While I was bidding my time, life in Canterlot had continued as normal. Well, not completely normal. Charlatan and I weren’t the only active thieves in this shard anymore. The crime rate had taken a noticeable uptick. I didn’t mind the presence of the other thieves. Unlike Charlatan, they didn’t deliberately get in my way.

While hanging out at the False Hope Pub, I’d also heard word of a masked vigilante that was now patrolling the streets of Canterlot. She was going by the name of Mare-Do-Well and she was viciously beating up every single criminal that she came across. Rumors suggested that she was hunting for one criminal in particular. Some dastardly individual that had broken into her parents’ home and assaulted her father.

A part of me sympathized with the vigilante. What kind of degenerate low-life could have done something so heinous?

I couldn’t focus on that right now. All my attention was dedicated to solving the Charlatan problem. My inflow of stolen bits had dropped dramatically thanks to her. I still managed to steal a few things, but it was obvious that she was getting the better of me. Even worse, the ponies on the streets were talking about her exploits more often than my own. This situation could not be allowed to continue! I couldn’t become the best thief in Equestria if I was being upstaged!

I would like to say that I was making tons of progress getting my revenge, but that would be only half true. I’d barely even seen Charlatan since my first encounter with her. Sure, I’d caught a few glimpses, but like me, she was a stealthy one. She could disappear in the blink of an eye.

My efforts weren’t completely fruitless however. I had learned a few things about her habits. First, she would rob houses in the morning. After that, she preferred to steal from the ponies around the market in the afternoon. In the evening she would spend her time hustling pool at the local pubs. But how could I use that information to my advantage?

Maybe I could try…

Having spent another productive day outwitting Dark Mask, it was time for Charlatan to return home. Her mind was filled with a sense of smug self-satisfaction and her bag was pleasantly full of stolen bits just waiting to be spent. Maybe she should use it to buy a new skill book? She’d been thinking about getting the advanced version of the skill book on Trolling as she’d clearly mastered the basic one.

Whistling a merry tune, she unlocked the door to her secret lair before opening it. Her ears flicked backwards when she heard a strange noise behind her. A quick glance over her shoulder revealed the source of the sound.

Charlatan shrieked in mortal terror as the gigantic tsunami of chocolate pudding rushed towards her. She quickly drowned in the endless brown tide.

No, that would never work. I could never get my hooves on that much chocolate pudding.

But what if I tried…

Charlatan shrieked in mortal terror as the gigantic tsunami of tapioca pudding rushed towards her.

No, that wouldn’t work for the same reason as the first plan. Why was my brain so obsessed with pudding right now? This was why you shouldn’t plan acts of revenge on an empty stomach. That put me back at square one, but I was drawing a total blank. My vengeance muse just wasn’t speaking to me right now.

Flopping down on my couch, I sighed despondently.

A flash of light filled my Canterlot apartment followed by a loud pop noise. Startled, I slammed the control stick and my pony flailed around like a beached fish, falling off the couch in the process. I panned the camera to face the source of the disturbance and saw that Princess Celestia had teleported into the room.

“Hello, Sneaky Shadow,” She said, her ethereal mane floating around her, “your satisfaction levels appear to be dropping. Is something wrong?”

I stared at her for a moment. I felt more than a little weirded out by CelestAI’s abrupt arrival.

After playing the game for so long, I knew that there were two different versions of the princess. There was Celestia, who mimicked the role of the princess from the TV show. Then there was CelestAI, the artificial intelligence that ran the entire game world. They were technically the same individual, but Celestia would stay in character as the princess of the sun, while CelestAI would break character to speak directly to the player.

Normally, this distinction didn’t mean much for the average player. For me, it was a subtle, but important difference. Since I was playing as a thief, Celestia would try to arrest me. CelestAI would not. The later only cared that I was having fun. As such, I had to avoid Celestia whenever she was in character.

Having the princess appear in my apartment unannounced was mildly panic inducing. Until I realized that she was here in her role as an AI. Even then, knowing that she had been monitoring my emotional state had its own creepiness factor to it. I knew that she monitored everything that happened in the game, but it was more than a little disturbing.

“Sneaky Shadow?” Princess Celestia prompted me again.

“R-right,” I stammered, pulling my thoughts back into the present. “I’m having trouble figuring out how to deal with Charlatan.”

“She does appear to be getting the better of you,” Celestia confirmed with that smile of hers.

“Did your horse senses tell you that?” I quipped.

The Princess chuckled, “Indeed. My ‘horse senses’ as you call them are also what make me smart enough to know to not bet on humans.”

I frowned at her, “You stole that joke from W.C. Fields.”

“I prefer to think of it as making a tribute to him. But I’m surprised that you’re familiar with William Claude Dukenfield,” Celestia said, gazing at me with a contemplative expression. “That seems like something from way before your time. The comedian has been dead since 1946.”

“My grandfather was a fan. He told me a lot about his work,” I explained. “He talked about him all the time actually. Said he even saw him on Broadway once.”

She nodded, causing her floating mane to dip a little. “That explains it. Do you mind if I have a seat on your couch?”

“Help yourself,” I replied with a wave at the furniture in question.

“Now tell me more about this grudge that you have with Charlatan,” Celestia said after taking her seat. Her larger form took up most of the piece of furniture.

“I never hold a grudge. As soon as I get even with the son-of-a-bitch, I forget about it,” I said, waving a hoof dismissively.

Celestia laughed, her voice striking an almost musical tone. “Now you’re the one who is stealing Dukenfield’s jokes. But I feel like we’ve strayed off topic here.”

I reluctantly nodded, “No matter what target I select, Charlatan almost always gets there first. I can’t figure out what to do about this. It’s almost as if, a higher power was perfectly predicting my actions using some kind of super accurate psychological algorithm and was then feeding the information to Charlatan in real time. But such a ridiculous idea couldn’t possibly be true.”

“Y-yeah, that’s ridiculous.” Celestia coughed before making an offer, “If you want, I can make it stop. I can move you to another shard. You’ll never have to deal with her again if that is what you want.”

“No way.” I shook my head. “I’m a gamer. I want to overcome this challenge. I need to beat her if I’m going to prove that I’m the best thief in Equestria. I just don’t have any ideas on how to accomplish that goal.”

“Would you be open to suggestions?” She asked, “I could give you some hints. Just a few tidbits to point you in the right direction.”

“I guess I’m willing to accept hints,” I said, thinking it over as I hopped back onto my couch. “Even if I’m skeptical that a machine would be smart enough for this task.”

Celestia frowned at me before smiling and saying, “Tell me something, Sneaky. How familiar are you with a debate technique known as Argumentum ex Culo when utilizing the PIDOOMA method?”

“I’ve never heard of it before. Why?” I asked, not sure where she was going with this.

“No reason. It was just a technique I used the first time that I spoke with you. I think it will work again this time,” she said sweetly. “You should find it… insightful.”

“Fire away,” I said. What did I have to lose?

The Princess cleared her throat a little, “In that case, if you want to solve this issue, I recommend that you apply the principal of phenomenology to your understanding of the problem.”

“What’s that?” I asked, a familiar sense of dread creeping up my spine.

“The term phenomenology refers to how an experience is perceived by the person experiencing it,” she answered. “To solve this conundrum, I recommend combining that philosophy with the Aristotelian doctrine of final causes. That should help you to achieve satisfaction through friendship and ponies.”

Oh no. She was doing it again! It was even worse than the first time we spoke!

“Your problem is a classic example of the Euthyphro Dilemma. To solve this extrinsic problem, I recommend that you apply a means-end analysis to the problem itself. Just make sure that you pay attention to the double effect doctrine in order to reach a state of satisfaction through friendship and ponies.”

Was this a glitch? Should I file a bug report with Hofvarpnir Studios?

“Princess, I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I said, rubbing the side of my head as a migraine formed.

Celestia frowned for a second. “Hmmm… my apologies, I guess the words I used were more than a little sesquipedalian. Let me simplify it for you. I understand and sympathize with how you must be filled with a sense of floccinaucinihilipilification. To pull off this act of funambulism, I would suggest an embourgeoisement style change in your mental state. This should lead to satisfaction through friendship and ponies.”

Please… make it stop. What did I have to lose? How naive of me! The answer was that I could lose my very sanity!

“If you want to win this game of cat and mouse, you’ll need to apply a paradigm shift and-”

“Cat and mouse… that’s it!” I shouted, interrupting her as I was seized by my own eureka moment. “I know what I need to do now.”

“It’s nice to know that my figurative idiom was useful to you,” Celestia said before muttering, “The PIDOOMA method wins again.”

“Figurative idiom?” I stroked my chin as a plan took shape in my mind. I didn’t know most of those words that she had been spouting, but that last one was a phrase that I recognized, “No, that’s not the right term.”

“What do you mean?” Celestia probed me for information, “What else could it be?”

Bonus Mini Chapter, Extended Patch Notes

Author's Note

Please consider not donating to my non-existent Patreon. Alternatively, you could also not buy me a Kofi, because I don't have one of those either.

Please note that by scrolling any lower in this chapter, you implicitly agree to emigrate to Equestria.

Bonus Mini Chapter, Extended Patch Notes

-Fixed an age recognition issue that allowed Applejack to sell hard cider to minors.

-The Nightmare Cadence glitch has been resolved. She should no longer attempt to geld Shining Armor when a player mentions the noodle incident.

-As a direct result of the noodle incident, Pinkie Pie has been nerfed… again.

-In RGRE shards, Twilight Sparkle will no longer use a cattle prod on Spike if he doesn’t do his chores fast enough.

-Fixed a rare bug that would cause some background ponies to say that their name was literally “Background Pony” when questioned by a player.

-In post Season 6 shards, the tie-dye visual style of changelings has been dialed back so they don’t cause so many light and color pattern induced seizures in players.

-In r63 shards, Applejack will no longer say that his gender flipped name is Apple Flapjack. We felt that this was too silly.

-Fixed an exploit that allowed trolls to flag Princess Twilight’s crystal palace for demolition using Ponyville’s zoning board.

-In clop shards, Fluttershy is no longer allowed to indulge in spanking based foreplay. Please don’t ask why.

-Fixed an issue that would cause the heads of some zebra players to explode if Flurry Heart has a magic surge near them.

-The Cutie Mark Crusaders will no longer attempt to get a cutie mark in gynecology. This change affects all shards.

-Queen Chrysalis will no longer impersonate CelestAI and speak directly to the players. This was too meta.

-In RGRE shards, Rarity will no longer attempt to open a sweat shop using stallions as a source of cheap labor.

-Fixed a bug with changelings that caused them to bug out. They should now be ten percent less buggy.

-In clop shards, fixed a glitch that would cause some NPCs to sing harmony songs about STDs.

-Removed an item duplication exploit involving poison joke, a cucumber, and the mirror pool.

-New Feature: Emigrated players that get too emo about their existential crisis will be quarantined to their own shard until they recover. Nopony likes a party pooper.

Princess Celestia appeared on the screen in a flashed of light. After taking a moment to smooth out her floating mane, she said, “I hope you’ve enjoyed reading the story of Sneaky Shadow. One of my NPCs spent over four months chronicling his story for novelization. He had a lot of fun working on this project and described it as a labor of love, pushing and squeezing out every last screaming word.

“I also hope that you took the time to read the Author’s Notes at the top of this chapter. Putting that into the End User License Agreement was one of Sneaky’s ideas. He said that a lot of people don’t bother to read those and skim right past them. Either way, a Pinkie bot will arrive at your location momentarily to emigrate you to Equestria. Don’t bother trying to hide. She will find you.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a whole lot of lawyer vomit to mop up,” Celestia said before teleporting away.