Chapters 1: The Littlest Biggerific Idea
“Surprise!” Pinkie Pie led the shout as the Cake twins entered Sugar Cube Corner.
A dozen of their friends and half as many relatives joined in the welcoming sentiment, a joyous punctuation to begin festivities. The shout was followed by by the blasts of party poppers launching their mirthful payloads.
The young pair was startled, but quickly did wide grins displace the initial shock as streamers wriggled through the air. These were the moments Pinkie Pie lived for. All of the hard work in preparation for every party was worth it when smiles lit up faces of attendees and honored guests alike. She took a moment to bask in a job well done before bringing the cake and leading the gathering in the customary songs and games one would expect at a tenth birthday party.
Pinkie Pie, the master party planner that she was, carefully measured the amount of fun that was being had, helping it to wax and wane to bring the maximum amount of enjoyment for the guests. A song or a game at the wrong time was all it would take to dampen the mood, and that was not going to happen, not on her watch!
The party wound on until the punch and cake nearly ran out. Pinkie Pie smiled as she noted that she had again prepared just enough so that there was little leftover. There was nothing quite so sad as wasted confectionaries.
The guests departed, bit by bit. The children were off to some other fun thing, the adults to their responsibilities, and a few remained to slowly begin cleaning up after the festivities. Some light conversation took the place of the rowdy event that had completely spent itself.
“Pinkie, I must say, you have surely outdone yourself this time,” Mrs. Cake said as she took down a large banner.
“Aww, shucks, it was nothing!”
Mrs. Cake smirked, “Getting these two out on such a sensible errand was wonderful, but having us throw them a smaller party this morning was inspired! They were completely fooled.”
“When it comes to a surprise party,” Pinkie saluted like a soldier, “This Pie doesn’t play around!”
“I can certainly see that! Those two had such a full day, I’ll bet they’re just exhausted from all the fun. Thank you again, Pinkie, for going to so much trouble,” Mrs. Cake said as she swept up the spent streamers that were strewn across the floor.
“Are you kidding? I love parties, and foal parties are the best ever! I could just do these every day,” she thought for a moment, remembering Gummy’s infamous after birthday party and added, “Well, almost every day.”
“More birthdays are certainly a good thing. To be quite honest, I am a little surprised that you haven’t made a big announcement by now.”
Pinkie Pie froze in place as her brain skipped like a machine with one gear missing a cog.
“Oh!” Mrs. Cake suddenly became self conscious, “I didn’t mean anything by that. It’s none of my business. It’s just that you spend so much time with the twins... and you’ve settled down and all.”
Pinkie Pie’s mind had so fixed itself with laser-like focus that she practically didn’t hear the latter half of what Mrs. Cake had said. It was all true. Pinkie Pie had settled down. She had Cheese Sandwich. Why had they not started trying for foals of their own yet? Had they really been that busy that it just hadn’t come up?
Her brow furrowed with resolve. This was something that simply couldn’t wait. She was going to march directly home and figure this out. Every second she delayed would be another second longer she’d have to wait before holding her very own snuggly little ball of joy.
“I gotta go!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed as she bolted for the door, completely ignoring the confused looks from Mrs. Cake and the few other parents that were helping her clear up the party’s remnants.
While she still spent a great deal of time at Sugar Cube Corner, Pinkie and Cheese Sandwich had wanted a place that could be their own. It was a short walk to the house, but she took it at a brisk canter. While it was modest in size, being similar in that respect to most houses in Ponyville, the decor was quite befitting a pair of party planning ponies like Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich.
Nopony would mistake their dwelling as belonging to anyone else, though it might be suspected as being a party factory or perhaps a tiny amusement park, such whimsy was used in every aspect of it. From winding windows that snaked their way up and around to staircases that stared at you, bug-themed rugs and dishes shaped like fishes, there was simply no end to the humorous odds and ends, all of which were in place for no reason other than to give a little joy to all who saw them.
The mare stopped short just outside her own door. She considered how she should approach her other half. She could talk to him about anything, Pinkie well knew, but the subject she was intending to broach would be big, huge, even life changing. A few years ago she might have simply stormed into her house and demanded an explanation, but something made her consider a slightly more gentle approach. Dinner first, then she would demand an explanation. She nodded to herself and opened the door.
...
Cheese Sandwich was sitting thoughtfully at a mundane desk, one of the few pieces of furniture in the house that was designed far more for function than form. He poured over every detail, even the tiniest marks drawing maximum scrutiny. Like his mate, he considered planning a party to be serious business. So absorbed was he in his work that he hadn’t even heard Pinkie Pie enter the house and begin banging around in the kitchen.
It was not until his nose detected the aroma of dinner that he realized what his other senses had not registered, bringing him to the conclusion that he should take a break. The stallion stood and stretched, feeling confident that he had seen to every last consideration to ensure nothing but smiles and laughter all around for the gathering he would be putting together. He still needed to collect a few items, but that would be tomorrow’s work.
Cheese Sandwich ambled into the kitchen just as Pinkie Pie was setting food on the table.
“What great timing,” she cheered at him. “I was about to come and get you.”
He made a wide grin, “You did! The scent from your cooking called to me.”
“Your nose sure knows!” the mare chortled.
The stallion sat down to a plate of roasted carrots and asparagus, sliced apples and steamed hay. It amused him to no end that Pinkie Pie had everypony else completely fooled about her diet. While out and about, she didn’t eat anything that wasn’t primarily sugar. At home, she had the best balanced nutrition that a pony could want, and typically there was nothing resembling a dessert either. More than one pony had asked Cheese Sandwich how she had not become horribly fat or diabetic with the way she seemed to eat nothing but sweets. He had shrugged, feigning ignorance. Her secret was safe with him.
They ate in silence for a few minutes before Cheese noticed his mate was not eating with her typical gusto. Her face seemed to have concern etched into it, with her brow slightly furrowed. He knew that look. Something big was on her mind.
“Are you feeling alright?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah… Well, now that you mention it, I just realized something.”
“What is it?” he pushed his plate back to focus on Pinkie.
She sat up, and looked him squarely in the eye, “Cheese Sandwich, we have been married for a while, and I can’t for the life of my figure out why we haven’t tried to have foals yet. Are we just that busy? Have we spent so much time planning parties for other ponies that we haven’t taken care of something so obvious? Little colts and fillies would be so much fun, fun, fun! Just picture them, running around the house with me chasing them. We could have a rumpus every night and more cuddles that either of us even know what to do with!”
The stallion felt himself make a smile that widened as she spoke. He knew there was nothing to do but let her finish.
“And that’s not even counting all of the extra parties we’d get to do just for the sheer fun and joy of it! So what do you say? Do you agree? Is it time for us to make a cheesy, inky, pinkie, twinkie? Is it? Is it?”
She finally took a breath.
“Of course, Pinkie! Just think of all the toys we can make and games we’ll play! It’ll be great! I have at least a thousand and eight ideas that go from newborn foal to edgy goth teenager to keep those smiles coming. Absolutely and a half, if you’re ready to try for foals; I’m ready too!”
Joyful tears welled up in Pinkie’s eyes for just a moment, “That’s great! I’m so glad to hear you say that.”
She stood, advancing toward the stallion around the table.
“Since we are agreed, you know what we have to do next.”
He did.
“Right now?”
“Right now!”
“But dinner, the dishes, the dining room?” the stallion spoke in confusion.
“Cheese Sandwich, there are far more important things than the dishes! Every second we delay is one second more that I have to wait before holding that itty-bitty baby foal and snuggling its precious little face! If we make a mess, I’ll clean it up.”
She was nose to nose with him now, everything about her posture had become enticing. He could not help but become appropriately excited, his confusion and the unconventional approach notwithstanding.
“Come on,” she said, “make me the bread for your cheese sandwich!”
There was nothing left to say. He stood. She turned. Then, the battle was joined. It began with a feint as if to draw the other into a trap. The forces in play circled each other and then collided. The table’s legs screeched as it slid a few inches. Silverware that had been on the edge clattered to the floor. A chair overturned and crashed next to the silverware as the forces in play slugged it out. It ended with a decisive victory. The pair separated, their objective complete.
“I’m… um…” Cheese Sandwich searched for words, “I can probably do more… for you the next time.”
“Don’t be silly! We did exactly what we were trying to do,” Pinkie Pie gave him a wink as she began to straighten up the table.
She stopped suddenly.
“What is it?” he asked.
“Actually, let’s go ahead and go again!”
“Now?”
“Of course! We can try for triplets!”
The mates laughed, both knowing that it didn’t quite work that way.
2: The Teeniest Little Complication
Cheese Sandwich awoke, quite well rested, but beginning to feel somewhat spent after four days of Pinkie Pie passionately pursuing positive progress in their procreation project.
“A good, good, good morning to you!” the mare greeted the stallion.
“Why, aren’t we in a good mood this morning,” he observed.
“Yeah! I’m with my favorite stallion in the whole wide world and we’re making a family for even more fun, fun, fun!”
He felt himself smile at her exuberant greeting. Cheese Sandwich was one of the few that could match her energy, and he found it far more comforting than most others seemed to. He sat upright, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and stretching.
“So, I know we both have a busy day today, so I thought maybe we could take care of business first thing,” she maintained her cheery demeanor.
Cheese Sandwich felt something he did not expect, loathing. Just for the briefest moment, he didn’t want to cooperate with his mate’s advances. He buried the thought, knowing how important this was to her.
“You’ve got it, my party planning queen!”
She drew close, nuzzling him affectionately. The dance began. They fell into step, preparing themselves for the coming waltz. Then nothing happened.
“Is something wrong?” Pinkie Pie was concerned.
Having never before experienced such a malfunction, Cheese Sandwich was quick to defend himself from embarrassment, “No... I mean, I just woke up. Keep at it.”
Abandoning the waltz, Pinkie tried a mambo instead. Cheese did what he could to cooperate and get into step. Something happened. A grin widened on the mare’s face, and then they danced together. In perfect harmony, they moved to the rhythm of their hearts, two together as one. A bit of time passed, a bit more than normal. It didn’t end.
This was a second problem Cheese Sandwich had never experienced. They shifted back into a waltz, but even those more familiar steps didn’t seem to complete the effort. They continued on for a time, before in desperation, the stallion switched up the steps again into a jitterbug. Their doubled down efforts seemed no closer to bringing about a satisfactory conclusion.
Cheese Sandwich pushed all of his thoughts into perfect focus. The world could have fallen away, and he would not have taken notice. He felt a twinge, for just a moment, then tripled down on his efforts. All of his reserves of stamina were poured into the final steps of this dance, and finally they accomplished their work.
Panting, soaked with sweat, and exhausted, the couple collapsed on their bed.
As they caught their breath, the mare turned to the stallion, “Wow-a-wow! Wow! Somebody is at their best this morning!”
Cheese Sandwich let out something like a nervous laugh.
Pinkie nuzzled him playfully, “I’d love to stay, but I’ve got lots to do.”
With no further ceremony, she stood and trotted to the restroom to prepare for the day. The door bounced rather than latching. He’d have to take a look at it later. Completely drained, the stallion would have liked nothing more than to go back to sleep. Unfortunately, he also had a busy day for which to prepare.
...
“La la la...” Pinkie Pie sang to herself as she arrived at Sugar Cube Corner.
From the refrigerator she pulled some dough that she had prepared the previous day and heated the oven before placing the tray in to bake. She could almost taste the cranberry orange zest scones she would be bringing to her friends for their breakfast.
Mrs. Cake entered the kitchen, greeting Pinkie Pie and beginning her preparations for the day. Pinkie helped for a bit, and after a few minutes, Mrs. Cake stopped short and regarded her friend.
“You are positively glowing today,” the elder said with a warm smile.
“I am?” Pinkie Pie looked at herself but did not detect anything amiss. “Usually it’s just my cutie mark that glows, but that only happens whenever Twilight’s map sends us on friendship missions.”
Mrs. Cake giggled, “I mean you seem to be in a good mood.”
“Oh, that. Well, what can I say? I have the absolutely besteriffic stallion a mare could hope for, and I’m going to have my own little cuddly wuddly little bundle of joy before you know it!”
Mr. Cake entered just then, “Good morning! Honey Bun, I’ve got to get that delivery to town hall first thing. I’ll be right back. The kids are up.”
A crash from somewhere on the floor above punctuated his statement. Both parents looked up in concern for a moment, and then shrugged, returning to their tasks. The twins were old enough that loud crashes were to be expected. It was only if a scream punctuated such that it warranted hasty investigation.
“I can’t even tell you how excited I am!” Pinkie continued. “I’m just so glad that Cheese Sandwich is every bit as excited as I am. I think I’d go totally bozo bonkers if he wasn’t just as super duper exciteriffic as me.”
Mr. Cake, now laden with his delivery, gave his mate a peck on the cheek, nodded a goodbye to Pinkie, and made his exit.
“Well, I’m just tickled for both of you! It doesn’t seem that long ago that I couldn’t imagine my life with foals in it, but now I can’t for the life of me imagine how I’d get on without them.”
“Aww!” Pinkie teared up, her vision going completely blurry, “That is just the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard!”
The pair continued to chat and work alongside each other until Pinkie’s scones were finished baking. She packaged them up and made her goodbye to Mrs. Cake. Shortly thereafter, she found herself in Twilight Sparkle’s castle, adorning the table with her pastries. Spike had already put out plates and otherwise set the table ahead of their gathering.
“Hey Pinkie Pie!” Rainbow Dash flew by, pulling up over the table until she stalled out, then worked the air with her wings until she was gliding around the perimeter of the room, reducing her altitude until she softly landed.
“Hey!” Pinkie returned the greeting. “You’re here early, and what an entrance!”
“That was just a cool down. I just got in from Manehattan. We had an aerial show last night, partied late after... you know how it is.”
“So you’ve been up all night?”
“Heh, yeah. I’m going to bed after this. I’ve got a couple of days off and I plan to use them napping! So, what have you been up to?”
Pinkie felt a coy smile form on her face, “Oh... nothing...”
Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow, knowing full well that when Pinkie Pie took such a tone that ‘nothing’ definitely meant ‘something’. She feigned disinterest, an expression with which she was a master.
“Aren’t you going to ask?”
Rainbow Dash yawned lackadaisically.
“Okay! I’ll tell you!” Pinkie burst, unable to contain her excitement. “Cheese Sandwich and I are trying to have a baby!”
“Hey, that’s awesome!” Rainbow Dash’s demeanor shifted to enthusiastic with lightning speed.
“Thank you! I have to say, it’s a lot more work than I thought it would be.”
“Oh?”
At the risk of oversharing, Pinkie Pie regaled Rainbow Dash with their efforts over the past few days. She became so engrossed in the telling of the story and watching her pegasus friend’s expression to ensure she was not bothering her, Pinkie Pie almost hadn’t noticed as the others trickled in. She grinned at them all when she finished speaking.
“Pinkie Pie, you are a savage!” Rainbow Dash jabbed her playfully.
“You may unstop your ears now, dear,” Rarity said to Fluttershy, who had an added rosiness to her complexion.
“Oh no! I didn’t upset you, did I?”
“Um... well...” Fluttershy shrank somewhat, “I probably should have just not listened when I walked up.”
“Aww! I’m sorry!” Pinkie grabbed Fluttershy up in a tight hug.
The timid pegasus managed to force out, “It’s fine... really...”
“Actually, there’s no reason to have expected noticeable results yet,” Twilight Sparkle began. “The first sign will be an interruption in your normal estrous cycle.”
“Twilight, please!” Rarity verbally lambasted. “Ladies should not discuss such things.”
Rainbow Dash grunted, rolling her eyes dramatically.
Applejack verbalized the sentiment, “Aw, come on now, sugar cube. That there’s just a normal part of life. It ain’t nothing to be bashful over.”
“Wait a second!” Pinkie halted the growing debate, “Do you mean I have to wait...” she did some mental math, “two more weeks to find out if it’s working?”
“Okay, so maybe that was a little more than I wanted to know,” Rainbow Dash conceded.
Rarity glared with the pride of victory as only one so ostentatious could.
Twilight ignored the others and answered the question, “If that’s when you’re next due to cycle, yes.”
“Aww! Can’t you do some magic the magicy magic and find out for me?” she pleaded.
Starlight Glimmer interrupted as she walked into the room, “Of course, we just have to-“
“No! Absolutely not!” Twilight Sparkle cut her off. “The last thing we need is accidental octuplets.”
“That would be insane,” Rainbow Dash guffawed.
Applejack’s green eyes widened, “Whew doggies! Can you imagine?”
“Oh! I can!” Pinkie Pie squealed. “That's like eight times more love, love LOVE!”
“And diapers,” Fluttershy added, but nobody seemed to hear her.
“And dress up parties,” Rarity offered.
“And diapers,” Fluttershy tried again with identical results.
“Twilight makes a good point,” Starlight conceded, a little miffed at being shot down, “Besides, just trying to feed octuplets will leave you feeling drained.”
“And diapers...”
Twilight Sparkle added, “Not to mention the constant cleaning up you’d have to do.”
“And diapers,” Applejack said, to which everypony’s nose wrinkled.
“I just said that,” Fluttershy voiced a protest, which was also missed by all.
Pinkie Pie considered these things, “Hmm... Okay, that's a good point. But are you really sure we can’t use just a little magic?”
“Oh no, as I keep telling everyone, there are some things that magic can’t or shouldn’t be used for. I’m afraid you’re going to have to wait.”
Pinkie Pie deflated somewhat.
“Not to worry, darling!” Rarity cheerfully tossed her mane, “We will be by your side the entire time.”
“Um, not the, entire time,” Rainbow Dash stressed with a grin. All eyes darted to her, “But yeah, for sure the rest of the time.”
“Really?” hope returned to the pink pony’s posture.
“Darn tootin’!”
“Yeah! How awesome is it going to be to have some little Pinkie’s running around? Anything you need, we are totally there!”
“I have read a great deal on the subject,” Twilight glanced at Rarity as if she were again delving into unapproved subject matter, “so if you want to know anything about the biological side, I’d be happy to help you find out.”
Everypony turned to Fluttershy. She sat quietly, demurely, as was her way. She smiled back at them.
“Yay!”
Grabbing a hold of Rainbow Dash, who was closest, into a vice-like hug that encouraged the others to join, Pinkie Pie gushed, “I can’t tell you how much that means to me!”
On cue, the others did join, thwarting Rainbow Dash’s efforts to extricate herself from what became a group hug. Spike entered the room at that exact moment, and as his eyes fell upon the group embrace, he came to a halt. Deciding that he didn’t want to interrupt whatever girly ritual was unfolding, he quietly set the drinks he was carrying onto the table.
...
Cheese Sandwich proceeded to Sugar Cube Corner, his long day of inciting celebration completed. Two different parties in Hoofington on the same day had posed no challenge for the expert planner and spreader of joy, but it did take a toll on his strength. It was well worth the effort, especially when seeing all of those smiles that he’d helped bring about.
The object that necessitated his stop at the bakery was that with which he was laden, a well spent tank of helium for making balloon animals. As he pushed through the door, the scents of baked goods greeted the stallion even before Mr. Cake offered a weary smile.
“You look like you’ve had a long day,” Cheese Sandwich said.
“I doubt it was as long as yours.”
“Maybe not,” he replied as he removed the helium tank and placed it on the counter. “This sure came in handy. Thanks for letting me use it. I can’t for the life of me figure out how I had used all of mine up so quickly.”
Mr. Cake grinned and spoke with playful sarcasm, “I guess we’ll never know.”
“We need to catch up soon, but I should get going. I think I’ll be asleep before I hit my pillow.”
“Oh? I thought you had a duty to perform before bed.”
“Not tonight, thank Celestia,” Cheese Sandwich heard himself say.
He felt as surprised as Mr. Cake looked at the confession. He decided he’d best clarify, not that his friend would jump to conclusions.
“I just mean that we’ve been working at it pretty hard, and I need a break. That’s all.”
“Have you told Pinkie Pie yet?”
“No,” Cheese Sandwich hesitated a moment, “why do you ask?”
“Well, I overheard her talking to the missus this morning, and she seemed really happy, specifically because you are as on board and committed to growing your family as she is.”
“I am!” he quickly defended.
Mr. Cake nodded thoughtfully, “That’s good, but you and I both know that Pinkie Pie gets things sideways in her head sometimes.”
“That’s true. We have worked through more than one blown out of proportion misunderstanding. So, do you think I shouldn’t tell her?”
“What’s to tell? I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
Cheese Sandwich made his goodbye, but his thoughts were troubled on the walk home. The last thing he wanted was to hurt Pinkie Pie’s feelings. Of that much, he was certain.
The stallion arrived home to the aroma of freshly baked bread.
“Hi there!” Pinkie Pie warmly greeted. “I had a really great day and managed to get home a little early, so I thought that fresh baked bread would just be the best thing ever, especially for you getting home to its wonderful scent! I can hardly stand it! How was your day?”
“It was definitely a long one. We ran out of helium, so I had to borrow a tank from Mr. Cake to get through it all. Then that last gathering, when they had told me that there would be exactly twelve guests, they had some extended family drop in out of nowhere, and they didn’t tell me ahead of time. Fortunately, I was prepared!”
“You don’t mean...”
“I do. I used the emergency party pack that I have been saving for just such an occasion. Between that and always planning for one extra, we made it work. I didn’t see a single scowl or frown on the entire bunch! I even turned a grumpy grandpa’s frown upside down!”
“Woohoo for the best party planner I know!”
The pair chatted a bit about their respective day’s happenings over dinner. In addition to fresh bread, they had lightly steamed broccoli, radishes, and blueberries for something sweet. As they finished putting away the dishes, Pinkie Pie glanced at the clock, which sat within an effigy of a black cat that would meow at the top of every hour.
“Hey, we actually got everything finished up early,” Pinkie Pie noted. “I guess we do have time for our evening fracas after all!”
Panic gripped the stallion as a sinking in his stomach tightened all the way to his groin. His mind raced for a way to dodge out of this.
“Every time I think about the little bundle of joy we’re going to have!” Pinkie Pie let out an excited squeal, “I just can’t stand it!”
“Me too!” Cheese Sandwich quickly agreed. “But I still have to plan out some finishing touches on the mayor’s Ponyville Day address tomorrow.”
“Oh, yeah,” the mare deflated slightly. “That’s okay, I’m sure our efforts this morning are enough. Don’t work too late!”
Pinkie Pie hugged Cheese Sandwich and gave him a squeeze before planting a big kiss on his forehead. She trotted away, singing to herself.
He held his breath until the tell tale sound of the music played from each step of the staircase signaled she had reached the top. Then the stallion let out a sigh of relief, glad to have had such a legitimate and timely excuse come to mind.
3: A Small Turn Toward Error
Pinkie Pie awoke, a little more bleary-eyed than usual. Within a moment, she remembered her all-consuming mission to build her family and bolted upright, looking for Cheese Sandwich. The mare felt a frown overcome her smile at his absence.
Then, her attention was captured by a folded piece of paper on his pillow that had been made into the shape of an origami chicken. The mare opened it and discovered a message inside.
‘Dear Pinkie, You just looked so peaceful that I couldn’t bear to wake you. I had to go early to get set up for the Mayor’s grand event, and after that I have that homecoming party for Lyra. Meet me for lunch? All the love, Cheese Sandwich.’
Pinkie Pie felt herself smile as the warmth of love spread from within. She then leapt from the bed, bounding through the house, climbing up, up, up. In the attic, she rifled through a box, picking out a needed bit of fabric. She went outside onto a terrace, and then scaled the roof to a flagpole that stood, usually empty, and raised the flag she had removed from the attic.
As practical as it was whimsical, Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich had been using the flagpole to send each other messages to unanswered questions while they were parted but both in town. The flag she rose today bore the likeness of a batch of tacos. No doubt, Cheese Sandwich would know where to meet her for lunch.
Pinkie Pie got through the morning with her usual enthusiasm that brought smiles to everypony who saw her. Her next stop brought her to the flower shop to pick up a bouquet for Cranky and Matilda’s anniversary. As she picked out the perfect arrangement, she was interrupted by a friendly greeting.
“Good morning, Pinkie Pie,” said Starlight Glimmer.
“Oh! Hey, Starlight! Whatcha doin’?”
“Just getting an arrangement for the thing, at the place.”
Pinkie Pie tilted her head to one side, “You mean for the Mayor’s reception tonight?”
“That’s the one. Sorry; I couldn’t think of it for a moment there.”
“That’s okay! I forget stuff all the time.”
The two shared a polite laugh. Then Pinkie Pie leaned in toward Starlight Glimmer.
“So, what was that you were going to tell me yesterday about magic solutions on the foal front? You know I’ve already been doing my part!”
Starlight giggled, “Oh, it’s not so much a magical workaround or anything, but there is one spell that can... make the amorous encounters happen... constantly.”
Pinkie Pie felt her eyes grow wide, “That’s amazing! I can see why Twilight didn’t want to bring it up.”
“Certainly it’s only for use on a couple that is ready to accept the consequences. I expect the fatigue you’d experience afterward would be something else.”
“I can imagine!”
...
Cheese Sandwich was seated at the taco stand, having already made his order. He was in good spirits, partly for the coming provender, and also in no small part due to the stealthy way he’d made it out of the house without awakening Pinkie Pie that very morning. Physically, he felt great, aside from one area in which he was exhausted. Before this experience, he’d had no idea just how draining frequent and pervasive marital conjugation could be.
The stallion focused his thoughts. It certainly was a good problem to have, but he did feel the need for another night of rest. Despite his earlier reservations, he’d try and bring it up over lunch. If he knew Pinkie Pie, she would be arriving any moment.
“Hey there!” his mate greeted as she bounded up.
“I got your message, and I know you’re busy, so I ordered your usual.”
She threw a thankful hug around the stallion before sitting in her chair across from him. The food came, and they settled into light conversation. Their afternoon activities would be far less strenuous than the previous day. As they finished eating, Pinkie Pie brought up their personal efforts.
“I missed you this morning, but I’m glad we will definitely have time tonight to...” she looked both ways before continuing at a whisper, “you know!”
“I do,” he thought to choose his words carefully. “But I was thinking... maybe we could give ourselves a little break, just to recharge a bit, and go out instead. We haven’t been bowling in a while.”
Pinkie’s smile fell somewhat, and her brow furrowed in thought, “I guess that’s true, but Cheese, I just so desperately want to hold my very own little snuggly ball of joy that I can’t stand it!”
“I am right there with you! It’s just that...” he hesitated as she continued to deflate.
Cheese Sandwich had seen that look before. If he didn’t proceed with caution, he could upset Pinkie Pie, and that was the last thing he wanted to do.
“Hey! Why can’t we do both?” the mare exclaimed.
“Both?”
“Yeah! We can take care of our business and then go bowling. It’s the perfect plan!”
This was beginning to get away from him.
“Yeah!” she continued. “And we can get dinner while we’re out! It’ll be fun!”
“Well, certainly... I mean...”
Pinkie Pie caught sight of a clock and suddenly stood.
“Gotta go or I’ll be late!”
She kissed Cheese Sandwich on the cheek and darted away, leaving the stallion with his thoughts. The conversation had not gone to plan. What could he do? How could he get some relief without upsetting Pinkie Pie?
A headache, that’s what Cheese Sandwich would say. The simplicity of the excuse was utterly brilliant. He could get one more night to rest, and Pinkie Pie wouldn’t suspect a thing. It was genius.
...
Cheese Sandwich approached his house. He felt fulfilled from a day of spreading cheer, but now he had a mission. He took a moment to center himself, and to contort his guise to feign the discomfort of a significant headache. To further sell the pretense, he shuffled forward, dragging his hooves as he opened the door and went inside.
He ambled in, making his way to the living room, where he found Pinkie Pie waiting for him.
“Hi there!” she cheerfully sang out.
To help sell the deception, Cheese Sandwich grabbed his head and softly answered, “Hi.”
The enthusiastic mare sprang up from a sofa that had been made in effigy of a blue crab and approached her mate.
“What’s wrong?” She spoke more softly.
“I’ll be okay... It’s just that I have developed a monster of a headache.”
“Oh no! My poor Cheese! Come here and lie down.”
She guided him over to the crab couch and he laid down. Then she grabbed a blanket from underneath and spread it out on top of him; it resembled a giant leaf of lettuce.
“You just rest there and I’ll make you some hot tea.”
“Thank you,” he overdramatized his suffering.
Pinkie Pie bounded away toward the kitchen. Cheese Sandwich felt a little guilty about the entire ruse, but he was far more pleased that it was working.
...
Pinkie Pie rummaged through the cabinets as her mind raced across the developing situation. She and Cheese Sandwich were trying to make a foal. They wanted that more than anything, but if he didn’t feel good, they would have to wait. She had no choice. She had to find a way to make him feel better.
Her mind grasped an idea, almost involuntary forcing her to shout aloud, “Twilight!”
She dropped all of the tea bags on the counter and bolted to the door. In a flash, she was outside and galloping to the Castle of Friendship. If anypony knew a quick way to recover a headache, it was Twilight Sparkle. Starlight Glimmer and Zecora also briefly crossed Pinkie’s mind, and she took note to try them if she struck out with Twilight.
As she entered the castle, the frantic pony realized that she should have thought to ask a doctor, but her momentum was such that she simply also filed this information and continued ahead, galloping down the carpeted corridors of the crystalline structure. The muffled thunder of her hoof steps softly echoed throughout the castle as she made the last corner and burst into the smaller dining room, where everyone typically had meals.
Both Twilight Sparkle and Spike looked up suddenly at the unexpected arrival with concern.
“Twilight! Thank goodness! You have to help me. Come on!” Pinkie Pie didn’t wait to make sure they were following before she spun on her hooves and galloped back out of the room.
Twilight sailed through the air, landing at a gallop at Pinkie’s left, and Spike arrived a moment later on her right.
“What’s going on?” the Princess of Friendship asked.
“It’s my amazing and wonderful Cheese Sandwich! He’s got a headache.”
As the trio exited the castle, Twilight Sparkle skidded to a halt, grass and earth turning up under the strain.
“A headache?” a single shake if her wings punctuated her confusion.
Pinkie Pie had to stop and come back around to where the other two had halted.
“So, why all the frantic running around?” Spike asked.
“You don’t understand! I need a snuggly little foal just as soon as I can get one or I’m going to explode!”
“Yeah... huh?”
“Cheese Sandwich had a headache, and because of that he doesn’t want to-“
“I see the problem,” Twilight interrupted. “Have you tried any of the usual remedies: a hot bath, a cup of tea, headache medicine?”
“Twilight! This is important! I can’t waste time on half-measures. I know you know a spell that can get him back ship-shape super swiftly.”
Spike rolled his eyes and said, “I’m not letting my Three Gem Stew get cold for this.”
With that, the young dragon turned and marched back to the castle. The Princess of Friendship let out a sigh and smiled.
“Okay, let’s go take care of Cheese.”
“Thank you! Oh, thank you!” Pinkie Pie grabbed up her friend in a tight hug before dropping her and galloping back toward the house.
...
Cheese Sandwich was resting where Pinkie Pie had deposited him. The giant blue crab sofa was far more comfortable than an actual crustacean in every way. Oddly to the stallion, his mate seemed to be taking longer than usual with the tea.
The front door burst open, Pinkie Pie charging in like a stampeding rhinoceros. Even startled though he was, Cheese Sandwich had the presence of mind to grab his head at the noise. Pinkie Pie threw herself on top of him in an overly dramatic yet wistful embrace.
“Oh, my poor Cheese!”
Twilight Sparkle strode in evenly and surveyed the situation.
“Hiya, Twilight,” Cheese spoke cautiously.
“Good evening. Pinkie Pie tells me you have a pretty bad headache.”
“I’m sure it will pass. I just need to lie quietly for a bit.”
“I may be able to make it go away, or at the very least, I should be able to make it more tolerable.”
“Okay...”
It seemed that his perfect plan had failed to account for the lengths to which Pinkie Pie was willing to go. Twilight Sparkle stood across from Cheese Sandwich and took aim, a magical aura igniting purple from her horn. Sparks worked their way to the tip and rocketed at the stallion, blinding him for a moment as a high level of giddiness flooded through him. As it subsided and he opened his eyes, everything in the room seemed much brighter than usual, almost glowing.
“How is that?” Twilight Sparkle asked.
“Much better. Thank you,” Cheese tried to not sound too enthusiastic.
Pinkie Pie jumped up and threw a hug around the alicorn, “I knew you could do it!”
“I was glad to help out.” Turning her attention to Cheese Sandwich, she continued, “That spell should last for an hour or two. If you have any more trouble, you should really see a doctor.”
“Thanks,” Cheese Sandwich said, “I’ll keep that in mind.”
The Princess of Friendship made her goodbyes and departed. Pinkie Pie showed her out. When she returned, she was wearing a naughty nurse outfit. She was obviously on the prowl once again.
“Is my patient in need of a little care?” she asked. “Nurse Pie is here to make him all better!”
“Pinkie...”
She approached in a manner that typically would have been alluring to the stallion, but on this day, his physiology maintained its lackluster response. She hopped up onto the sofa. He had to think of something.
“Let’s get on with the examination and see if we can find the problem,” she said, peeling back the lettuce leaf blanket.
“Pinkie, I...”
“Say ‘ahh’.”
She moved closer to kiss him. Cheese Sandwich blocked with gently resting a hoof on her lips. She sat up straight, clearly confused.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, I mean, it’s just...” he stammered. “I guess I just want to rest for now.”
She deflated somewhat, “Oh... okay. I understand.”
“But we can spend the time together,” he added with a half smile.
She nodded, her eyes glistening somewhat. Pinkie Pie turned, burrowing against her mate and pulling the blanket over them both. It was that precise moment when Cheese Sandwich remembered that both of them would have the next day off. He hoped that he would be more ready for action by then. If not, he was going to have to get creative.
4: Dubious Decision of Doubling Down
Pinkie Pie awoke, not having intended to fall asleep on the crab sofa. She had been so cozy all snuggled up to Cheese Sandwich that it had sort of just happened. His absence was immediately noticed, as was the early hour of the morning. The mare stood and stretched, realizing that she was still wearing the silly nurse outfit she had dressed up in the previous night. She doffed it and went in search of her mate.
As she climbed the stairs, she could hear an intermittent tapping that grew louder as she made her way to the bedroom. That is where she discovered Cheese Sandwich with a small pile of tools.
“Good morning!” he greeted her cheerfully.
“Hi there! Are you fixing the door?”
“I sure am! I know it’s been this way for months, and I decided that it’s time to get this done. We’ve got a few of these projects that have been piling up. No more putting them off. Today is the day!”
Pinkie Pie couldn’t help but smile at his enthusiasm.
“Are you ready for a break?” she embraced him from behind.
“Not yet.”
Perhaps she had been too subtle. She repositioned the way she embraced him until she was certain that he took her meaning.
“Not even a short break?”
He reattached the hinges to the wall, “Nope, I am... er... in the zone? As it is... building mode.”
She made a final, most gentle, touch to get his attention before playfully adding, “This is building.”
Cheese Sandwich let out a nervous laugh, “In a bit... I really want to finish this door, and then I’ve got to get to that dripping faucet in the kitchen.”
Pinkie Pie released her mate from the embrace and took a step backward, perplexed, “Would you like some breakfast?”
“Oh, I fed myself early so I could get started. Why don’t you go see if your friends are doing anything? You know you don’t get to see them as often as you’d like.”
“Okie... dokie... lokie...” she said uncertainly.
She plodded away, a bit confused about what all of this meant. Her mind began churning as it turned things over. Cheese Sandwich had agreed that it was time to grow their family, and he had been quite consistently willing to work on that for several days. Did something change? Had she just been brushed off so he could do chores?
When she came to herself again, Pinkie discovered that she was galloping across town. Coming up fast on The Castle of Friendship, Pinkie Pie redoubled her purpose to find Twilight Sparkle. She burst through the door with that singular intention.
“Twilight!” her voice echoed down the halls.
Pinkie Pie didn’t wait for an answer, but charged down the corridors, winding her way through while crying out for her friend until she came to the kitchen. The space was quiet and clean, without any sight or scent of anything having recently been prepared. She continued on through the library, bedroom, and a half-dozen other rooms before ending up in the empty map room.
“Aww!” Pinkie groaned as she sank to the floor.
A soft shimmering and nearly inaudible magical tinkling caught her attention, and the mare directed her focus to the map. Sitting atop a great round table with six thrones about, and a seventh smaller seat for Spike, the magical map had sent Pinkie Pie and her friends on numerous adventures to spread friendship across Equestria.
Faintly glowing above Filly Delphia circled the images of both Twilight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer’s cutie marks. That could only mean that the two had left the previous day. She decided that she would have to find somepony else to talk to. So quickly did Pinkie Pie spin about and make for the exit that she had gained too much momentum when she saw a bleary-eyed young dragon standing in the doorway.
With a slight yelp, Pinkie Pie went left, just as a surprised Spike sluggishly tried to dive the opposite way. He ended up on the floor, but she crashed into the door jam, spinning in circles until she came to rest on the plush carpet of the corridor.
“Are you okay?” Spike managed as he picked himself up.
Pinkie Pie shook her head and stood, her shoulder pounding where she had collided with the unyielding crystal door frame, “I’m fine. Just a little... ow!”
She rubbed at her shoulder.
“Come on,” Spike started down the hallway with the mare in tow. “So what’s all the yelling about? Some of us are trying to get a little sleep while Twilight is away.”
“Oh it’s just... adult problems.”
Spike stiffened up at that, “You mean you and Cheese?”
“Yeah...”
“Well leave me out of it! I’m not ready for my young mind to be worried about all of that stuff,” he revealed teeth and fangs with his playful grin.
“Oh, Spike!” Pinkie Pie chortled, “Enough said. I won’t drag you into it.”
The pink mare limped along after the young dragon until they came to a bathroom. Spike opened up a cabinet and rummaged for a moment before coming out with a small red tin can. White lettering on the top read, ‘Ouchbegone’.
Using a small flat wooden spoon, Spike scooped a generous portion of the highly viscous salve and applied it to Pinkie Pie’s shoulder. It had a pasty consistency not unlike jam. Within seconds, the throbbing in her shoulder subsided.
“Wow! That’s some great stuff!”
“Yeah,” Spike agreed, “Twilight always keeps some around since it works so well. But you should still take it easy. It hasn’t actually fixed your shoulder, it just covered up the problem for a bit. So you can make it worse if you keep running into stuff.”
“Aye, aye, Doctor Spike!”
Suddenly struck with a moment of clairvoyance, Pinkie Pie looks directly at you. Yes, she is looking at you at you, the person who is reading this.
“You know, if you stop to think about it, this little situation would make a pretty good metaphor for lots of problems we deal with in everyday life.”
“Umm, Pinkie,” Spike’s brow furrowed in confusion, “who are you talking to?”
“You’re right, Spike. Back to the story!”
“Huh?”
“Thanks again, and I’ll see you later! La, la, la...”
“Bye... Pinkie...” Spike scratched his head, still pondering the bizarre behavior.
He eventually shrugged it off and went back about his business, as those sort of queer antics were not at all out of the ordinary for Pinkie Pie.
As for the pony, she did her best to walk to her next destination. Carousel Boutique came into view, and no doubt Rarity would have some good advice on relationships, especially where allure, or possibly a diminishing thereof was concerned. By the time she arrived at the door, she had come to the realization that she couldn’t really feel anything in her left shoulder. The salve Spike had used had left it working but totally without the sense of touch.
Pinkie Pie knocked on the door. It was just a moment before it smoothly turned on its hinges, and a well presented fashionista stood before her.
“Why, good morning, Pinkie Pie,” Rarity greeted. “How are you today?”
“Hi, Rarity. I’m okay, just looking for a little advice.”
Rarity’s keen sense for impending gossip was triggered. The most subtle twitch of her ears followed by a rapid blinking of her eyes gave away her sudden curiosity.
“Won’t you come in? We are just sitting down to breakfast, and there is plenty.”
“You have guests? I don’t want to crash your party...”
“Nonsense! You are coming inside on my invitation, and I won’t hear another word about it!”
Rarity led the way, and Pinkie Pie followed after her. They settled in an eastern facing room with open windows. White silk curtains diffused the light, making a soft golden glow fill the room. The two older ponies joined Sweetie Belle at a small table that was expertly decorated with breakfast. There were spinach and feta scones, blueberry bran muffins, some bite sized lemon cakes, a large ceramic water pot with steam wafting from the spout, and a selection of eight types of tea, along with the customary accoutrements.
“Hi, Sweetie Belle!”
“Good morning.”
“Do help yourself to anything you’d like,” Rarity gestured for Pinkie Pie to sit. “Tea?”
“Thanks! I’d like Silver Needle.”
Rarity scooped the tea leaves into the infuser, poured steaming hot water into a fresh cup, and gently submerged the filled infuser to begin the brewing. Though she was ready to speak, practically about to burst, Pinkie Pie knew how Rarity relished her dainty tea times and how infrequently she was able to have them with her sister.
“Now,” Rarity seated herself and took a sip from her tea, “what sort of advice would you be looking for, pray tell?”
“Well, you know how Cheese Sandwich and I are trying for foals and we’ve been working really hard to make sure everything is just perfect to bring those lovely snuggly little ones as soon as possible, but this morning Cheese Sandwich was fixing a door and doing house chores and he didn’t want to stop for anything.”
“I see.”
Sweetie Belle’s eyes widened, but rather than speaking, she sipped her tea.
“And when I say anything, I mean anything! Even fiddling with his phallus didn’t get his attention.”
A gasp combined with a giggle caused Sweetie Belle to choke on her tea. She sputtered into a napkin before recovering.
“So, you felt ignored?” Rarity asked, paying no attention to her sister’s plight.
“Kind of? I mean, he’s been so totally and completely supportive that I’m probably just reading too much into it, but it was almost like I wasn’t... attractive?” Pinkie Pie felt uncertain. “I mean... Cheese has never really... brushed me off before.”
“Darling, you’ve come to the right place,” Rarity set down her teacup and saucer. “You and Cheese Sandwich have already been married for a few years, and as much as you still love each other, some of your respective charms can become a bit passé.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve got this,” Sweetie Belle piped up, having completely recovered. “Take this breakfast for example. It has a lovely variety, but if you had this same food every day, you’d want to change it up. Maybe you’d add some new spices to the scones or get a different selection of tea.”
Rarity smiled at her younger sister and added, “Well said. Pinkie pie, you just need to spice things up a bit. Try a different approach to keep things interesting.”
Pinkie Pie nodded slowly, considering her response, “So, if I had a piñata party every day, I would lose interest in piñatas.”
“A bit more crude than the breakfast analogy, but yes. You understand the problem perfectly!”
“Okay, but how do I do that? Spice things up, I mean.”
“I may have an idea or two,” a smile curved across the adult unicorn’s face.
Sweetie Belle nearly choked on her tea a second time, “I think I hear… mom calling me.”
The young mare made a hasty departure.
...
Cheese Sandwich felt a trickle of sweat run down his neck as he pushed the lawn mower forward. Having no engine, magical or otherwise, the wheels had gears and pinions that turned a blade reel to bring grass against the cutter blade. His own efforts provided the power for the machine.
Coming to a halt at the end of the final row he was walking, Cheese Sandwich turned and surveyed the yard. He felt himself smile with a small swell of pride in a job well done. He cleaned and oiled the lawn mower before returning it to the utility shed at the back of the house. Bright cheerful colors notwithstanding, it was fairly plain, lacking the whimsy that was more typical of their decorum.
The stallion ventured inside for a glass of water as he considered which project would occupy him next. All of his thoughts collapsed as his eyes processed what he saw when he made it inside. Pinkie Pie stood in his path as if she had been expecting him. She wore a rather seductive maid outfit and had posed in a provocative manner.
“Hey there, stud,” she said salaciously.
Cheese Sandwich forced himself to swallow, despite being parched. Enticing as all of this was, he knew his own body and his limits. It was not responding as it should have been for such a display. He still needed rest. There was only one thing to do.
“Oh hi, Pinkie!” Cheese Sandwich cheerfully greeted her as he walked by. “Yard work sure dehydrates a stallion. Next up I’ll be getting that insulation into the attic. I am on a roll!”
He didn’t miss her jaw dropping in total shock at his response. He felt a little bad about it, but having himself seem incredibly dense was far preferable to upsetting her further. Though he expected a little more push from her, she said nothing, simply watching in stunned silence as he drank some water and headed off to his next task.
5: Timing of Critters Wild and Domestic
“Fluttershy! You have to help me!” Pinkie Pie called out as she knocked on the door to the pegasus’ cottage.
There was no answer.
“I can’t find anypony else and I really, really need to talk to someone!”
There continued to be no answer, apart from the muffled sounds of some of Fluttershy’s pets scampering about the house. Pinkie Pie let out a frustrated grunt and galloped back into town. Her next best bet would be to find Applejack, even though the farm was on the other side of Ponyville.
As she ran, Pinkie Pie scanned the skies. Rainbow Dash should be up there busting clouds, but she was nowhere in sight. If things didn’t pan out at Sweet Apple Acres, searching for the pegasus would be next on the list.
Ponyville passed by in a blur, and soon the mare, still wearing the alluring maid outfit, was thundering over the gentle hills of the farm. Vast though it was, Applejack was likely in or near the barn, so that would be the place to start.
As Pinkie Pie came around the final bend, the barn and farmhouse came into view. The worker and close friend that she sought was also there, standing a short distance from the larger structure. The running mare closed the distance before initiating contact.
“Applejack!”
“Howdy there…” the enthusiastic greeting was caught and transformed into an expression of uncertainty, no doubt in response to the maid costume, “Pinkie…”
“I need your help!”
The farmer’s quizzical expression became one of concern. Her younger sister, Apple Bloom came around the barn at that moment, bearing a roll of chicken wire.
“It’s Cheese Sandwich! He won’t thread my needle!”
“Huh?”
“His wedding tackle isn’t going fishing!”
Apple Bloom stopped short in confusion, “Wait, what?”
“The eel isn’t even looking for the cave!”
“Whoa there, simmer down a bit,” Applejack said before turning to Apple Bloom. “Naw, I don’t think the chicken wire will do. Do we have any hog wire?”
“I’ll check,” Apple Bloom replied.
She didn’t move, having a curious and amused look on her face. Applejack turned back to Pinkie Pie just as a family of raccoons began chittering and marched out of the barn, angry looks on their faces. They were followed by Fluttershy.
“There you are!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed.
Surprised at the new arrival, Fluttershy nodded sheepishly, “Was I not where you expected to find me? I’m sorry.”
“What are you wearin’?” Apple Bloom asked the party pony.
“That’s why I’m here! Rarity gave me this lingerie, but it didn’t work!”
The others stared blankly back for a moment before Applejack decided to answer.
“Uh-huh... so... whatcha doin’ here?
“I just don’t know what to do,” Pinkie sniffled.
Applejack tipped her hat up a bit, “Oh, ya came to us for... advice?”
“Cheese Sandwich and I are trying to grow our family; and we’d been working at it every day, several times. All of the sudden, he is just doing chores and doesn’t have time. So I tried this outfit to get him in the mood.”
“And?” Apple Bloom asked impatiently.
“And nothing! Nada! Zip! Zilch! It’s almost like I wasn’t even there!”
The Apples exchanged a glance.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Fluttershy offered.
“That’s why I’m here! Fluttershy, you know all kinds of things about how animals attract their mates and stuff. Applejack, I bet you do too with your farm animals. Maybe one of you will know something that can help me!”
“Beg pardon?” Applejack asked.
“Um, I’m not so sure it works that way,” the pegasus mumbled.
“I just need something to get me back on track! Fluttershy, do you or do you not know how different critters attract their mates?”
“Yes, but the critters I work with are not ponies.”
“So you know lots of ways to do this?”
“Yes, but not for ponies.”
“I know that! Just give me one example. It can be anything! What was the last creature you worked with?”
Fluttershy’s face flushed as she replied, “Um... a mantis.”
“Oh! That sounds promising. Tell me about that!”
Apple Bloom chortled as if something amusing had been said. Fluttershy took a breath before continuing.
“Well, the male mantis does a courtship dance to get the female’s attention, and then he mounts her back for them to mate.”
“Then what?”
Fluttershy mumbled something inaudible.
“Speak up!” Pinkie Pie sang, “I didn’t quite catch that.”
“She bit his head off!”
Fluttershy flushed again as Applejack’s eyes widened, “Whew doggies, that’s one way to do it... I guess.”
Apple Bloom burst into laughter, “I heard ‘bout that in school! Them lady mantises eat up the boy ones. Happens all the time!”
“She actually ate him?!”
“Yes,” Fluttershy admitted, pawing at the earth.
“Eww! I for one would rather eat cupcakes,” Pinkie Pie wrinkled her nose in disgust. “Applejack, you have to know something useful! How do you get your farm animals make the carnal embrace!”
Apple Bloom giggled again.
“You're thinkin' of it all wrong, sugarcube. It's not so much that you hafta keep doin' it like that. You just have to have the right timin' is all.”
Suddenly struck with an idea, Pinkie Pie stood up straighter than she had been, “Timing! Why didn’t I think of that? I need a metronome!”
Spinning on her hooves, Pinkie Pie rocketed away from the trio. She did not hear Applejack calling after her.
“Pinkie, wait!”
“Thaaaaank yooooou!” Pinkie Pie shouted as she ran.
“Oh, dear!” exclaimed Fluttershy.
Apple Bloom scratched at her mane, “What the hay just happened?”
Applejack shrugged, “I guess it’s ‘bout usual for Pinkie. But I reckon it ain’t gonna be no good for Cheese.”
...
Cheese Sandwich had only thought the yard work was dehydrating. Installing insulation in the attic was like working in an oven. There was no breeze, and the stifling heat only grew as he moved about.
As he completed his endeavors and gathered up the tools, he thought he heard something. Becoming very still, he listened. Faintly, almost inaudible, he detected a regular tapping, almost like water dripping from a faucet with precise regularity. It lifted his spirits as he prepared to search out the next job that needed to be done.
Cheese Sandwich went down the ladder into the cool of the house, and the noise sounded more like a clicking than a dripping. Becoming perplexed, the stallion began to search the home for the source of the regular disturbance.
As he drew closer to the bedroom, the sound became more clear. Click, click, click...
Considering how his day had gone to this point, Cheese Sandwich was not that surprised to find Pinkie Pie in the bedroom. He was confused by the metronomes, at least three of which were clicking away perfectly synchronized with each other. He had just decided it would be best to pass on by when she began to sing.
“Hello my other half, I’m really glad you’re here...
Pinkie Pie danced around the room as she sang, her motions appropriately accentuating her meaning. She ended up near the bed, panting a bit from the outburst. As for the stallion, he felt just the faintest hint of life for a moment, but nothing further happened. Still needing to rest and recover, he smiled at the mare.
“That’s a great little song, Pinkie!”
“So... what do you say?”
“Gosh, I just am getting so much done around the house that I really just want to keep working for now.”
“But... but...” she looked wildly around at the metronomes.
“We’ll have time to do that later! I’m not going anywhere,” he gave her a big grin before making a hasty retreat.
Considering how well he knew Pinkie Pie by this point in their marriage, he was quite certain that she had not yet finished her attempts. She would continue to pursue him with a renewed offensive soon. He could only steel himself against the inevitable coming battle.
6: Becoming Desperate Seems Meaningless
Pinkie Pie trudged across town, her hooves falling even more slowly than the beats from her trio of metronomes that even still were faithfully clicking away. Her belly growled rather loudly, a reminder that in all of her running around that she had quite forgotten to eat anything since Rarity’s tea party that morning. Food would likely lift her spirits somewhat.
“Hey, Pinkie Pie!” a young scratchy voice called out. “What’s with the metronomes?”
Scootaloo pulled up alongside the mare on her scooter, lifting her goggles to reveal a puzzled expression.
With a sigh, she replied, “I though it would help my timing be right, but it didn’t work.”
“Oh... kay...” the younger replied uncertainly.
“What are you up to?” Pinkie asked more out of courtesy than interest.
“I’m headed to get a hay burger with Rainbow Dash.”
Pinkie Pie’s heart began racing. Sure, she’d been having a rough time, but the day wasn’t over, and maybe one of her other friends would have a helpful idea.
“Can I come?”
“Absolutely!”
Scootaloo’s undersized wings buzzed to life while she moved her goggles back into place. As her scooter zipped along, Pinkie Pie was able to bound alongside and keep pace, the pair navigating very light traffic all the way to the restaurant.
The unmistakable scent of hot cooking oil filled the air as the two walked inside. Seated at two tables that had been pushed together were all of Pinkie Pie’s closest friends.
“Oh, oh, oh! You’re all here together!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed.
“Hey, Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash greeted her nonchalantly.
“Gosh, we thought you were busy or we would have invited you,” Fluttershy apologized.
The new arrival was most excited to see the Princess of Friendship.
“Twilight! I thought you were out of town on a mysterious map mission!”
“We just got back. What is that clicking noise? Are those metronomes?”
Pinkie Pie switched off the devices, “Yeah, I needed them for a song, but it didn’t help.”
Applejack smirked but said nothing. A waitress arrived just then to take their food orders. Pinkie Pie ordered a jumbo hay burger with extra large hay fries and a chocolate shake.
“Tell me, Pinkie Pie, how have your day’s exploits gone?” Rarity asked when the waitress departed.
The new arrivals seated themselves with the group.
“Honestly, I’m really confused by Cheese Sandwich today. He has agreed with me that we are trying to have foals, and we absolutely did our part for the last few days.”
Scootaloo giggled at this, and Rainbow Dash mussed the young filly’s mane.
“But now he’s doing chores and won’t stop for anything. I dunno, he just seems disinterested all of the sudden. I already tried being fancy and a show stopping musical number, but nothing.”
“Pinkie Pie, I’m not sure why you don’t come to me first,” Rainbow Dash began.
“Here we go,” Applejack rolled her eyes.
Rarity smiled thinly and dripped with elegant sarcasm, “Yes, Rainbow Dash, I’m sure that your vast experiences in amour make up for your... sorry, what’s a nice way to say, brutish ways? I’d expect stallions see you more as one of the guys than an alluring object of affection.”
“As if!” Rainbow Dash boasted, “If I was trying to, I could have foals in ten seconds flat.”
“Biologically speaking, that simply doesn’t make sense,” Twilight Sparkle interjected.
“I just mean that I could get knocked up that fast if I wanted to.”
“First of all, a mare’s oviduct typically holds viable sperm for two to three days.”
Rarity was aghast, “If you please!”
Scootaloo seemed fascinated, and Fluttershy simply nodded knowingly as Twilight continued.
“But the egg is only viable for six hours at the most.”
“What’s your point?”
“My point is that ten seconds flat is just not feasible, when the reproductive system is literally geared to process things for a few days so everything can line up for your best chance of healthy offspring.”
Though an athlete and not studious, even Rainbow Dash could see the infallible logic with which she’d just been assaulted. She fell back on tried and true tactics.
“Twilight... You are such an egghead. Anyway... Stallions like to think they know what they want. They like to think they’re calling the shots, but they really want us to come at them, aggressively.”
“Oh my!” Fluttershy moved to cover Scootaloo’s ears, but the filly wriggled free.
Pinkie Pie considered the suggestion, “That doesn’t really sound like Cheese.”
“Listen, no pony is better at picking up signals than you, but you can’t pick up that he wants something that he doesn’t even know he wants.”
“Huh, that actually makes sense.”
“Of course it does!” Rainbow Dash triumphantly slammed a hoof on the table. “So, don’t ask him what he wants; definitely don’t be whatever sophisticated ninny that Rarity told you. And, a musical number? Seriously?”
Rarity and Applejack glared at the insulting pegasus. She continued unabated.
“You saw how well that went. You go and take him on your terms.”
“Yeah! But wait... what if he doesn’t like it?”
“Don’t back down. You make him like it!”
Pinkie Pie’s brain kicked into high gear, considering the best ways to accomplish this new approach.
Twilight Sparkle spoke up, “Rainbow Dash, I’m not sure that’s ever appropriate. No means no, otherwise you completely destroy trust and respect.”
“Obviously! I just meant that-“
“I’m on it!” Pinkie Pie declared boisterously as she bolted to gather supplies.
The others watched her go with a mix of emotions. Twilight Sparkle managed to utter the majority sentiment.
“Oh dear...”
The waitress returned just then with the ordered provender. Scootaloo leapt up and ran to the door, shouting after Pinkie Pie, “You forgot your food!”
The retreating pink form didn’t so much as acknowledge whether she’d heard. Scootaloo shrugged and made her way back to the table.
Rainbow Dash shook her head as the filly returned, “Pinkie Pie didn’t really want a hay burger.”
“She didn’t?”
“No. What she really wants is a Cheese Sandwich.”
...
Cheese Sandwich was certain he’d heard the front door open and close. It had a distinctive squeak that he intentionally didn’t oil, which both he and Pinkie Pie found amusing. He knew she was on the lower level, as she had not triggered the piano notes that play as one climbs the stairs.
Sneaking out of the house seemed the best option. If he took the firefighter’s pole down to the rumpus room, he could make for the back door, which had a much quieter squeak. With a bit of luck, he could make it to the store before she noticed that he was gone.
The stallion crept to the pole and wrapped his legs around it, sliding slowly, quietly down to the lower level. As it happened, the sight that his eyes beheld as he reached the bottom was somehow even more unexpected than all of the other shenanigans from a day so filled with odd surprises.
There Pinkie Pie stood, clad in form fitting shiny black vinyl. It looked so tight that she must have been sewn into it. Her legs were covered in black fishnet stockings, and atop her head sat a small black kepis. Her neck was circled with a black choker with silvery spikes pointing out in all directions. Most shocking of all, she held a riding crop.
So surprised was Cheese Sandwich at her appearance, that he found no words with which to greet her. It was not the sort of thing that he had expected or found alluring. Rather than looking like somepony who was actually into such sadistic and masochistic predilections in a normal and healthy way, she came across instead like an attempt at an edgy character from a poorly written smutty fan fiction that totally misunderstood the concept.
“You are mine to toy with!” she stepped forward. “Take me now and like it!”
He backed away, sputtering, “um, erm, hum...”
“I didn’t give you permission to speak!”
She swung the riding crop, swatting the retreating stallion across a shoulder.
“Great galloping gum drops!” he shrieked in pain.
Pinkie Pie hesitated, clearly not having intended to hit him so hard. Her brow furrowed, hardening her resolve.
“You’ve been a bad boy, and it’s time to pay the piper!”
“Absolutely not!” Cheese Sandwich finally found his words.
He ducked as she flinched in surprise, and then he bolted, dodging around her. He made for the back door, not stopping or turning to see her reaction. Sweet refreshing sunlight greeted him as he made his escape. He ran down the block and around the corner before slowing his pace.
“What in sweet frosted filling just happened?” he voiced his confusion into the air.
View Online
7: Climactic Clarification Cleanses the Conscious
“Twilight!” Pinkie Pie shrieked so loudly that her hair nearly went straight.
Without waiting for a response, she charged into the Castle of Friendship for the second time that day. Though nearly frantic, she took just enough care to not run into anything, having again learned that lesson just hours before.
Even coming around a corner and finding herself face to face with Spike, she managed to deftly leap over him with all the hardened skill one would only expect to see in a rodeo horse. He went stiff as a board, teetering like a bowling pin and nearly falling over as the mare spun around and steadied him.
“Have you seen Twilight?” she panted.
Spike lifted a claw and pointed, a look of shock on his face.
“Thanks! And sorry!” Pinkie Pie yelled over her shoulder as she galloped away in the direction he had indicated.
Bursting into the library, Pinkie Pie quickly spotted the lavender Alicorn sitting at a table with a stack of books. Several of them were opened, and she used her magic to hold a quill with which she was making notes on a scroll.
Hooves thundered against the hard crystalline floor as Pinkie Pie closed the distance. The Princess of Friendship looked up and gasped, dropping her quill.
“What in the wide world of Equestria are you wearing?”
“Twilight! You’ve got to help me!”
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s Cheese Sandwich! Every time I’ve tried to get his attention today, it falls flatter than cupcakes with no leavening! The baby making has stopped! What can I do!”
“Take a breath,” Twilight Sparkle said as she took her friend by the shoulders and demonstrated. “In and out. Slow down.”
Spike poked his head into the opened door, staring with cautious curiosity.
Shaking her head, Pinkie Pie continued, “There’s no time for that! This is a sexual emergency!”
The young dragon’s eyes widened, and he silently backed away, closing the door. Twilight Sparkle regarded her frantic friend for a moment.
“I conclude you took Rainbow Dash’s advice to be aggressive, and it did not yield the results you were wanting.”
“Like a party where the guest of honor never shows up. You’ve got to help me!”
“What do you want me to do about it?” Twilight’s nose wrinkled.
“Advice! I know you must have read a book about this.”
“Oh, I’ve read dozens.”
Pinkie Pie shuddered, trying to not yell at her friend, but she was desperate for information. She had to find a way to get Cheese Sandwich to cooperate.
“There’s hundreds of ways to approach a potential mate or initiate intercourse with your spouse. Are you sure that’s really the problem?”
“What do you mean?”
“Have you ever had a problem like this before?”
Pinkie Pie stopped, removing her kepis to scratch her mane in thought, “No, not really. I mean, we’ve kind of usually been on board when the other wants to party.”
“Okay, now keeping that in mind for a minute, who did Cheese Sandwich marry?”
“Me, duh! That was an easy one.”
“So you know that you and Cheese Sandwich love each other, and that normally you are both happy to... party . There is a magic to your relationship that is unique to you. It’s not a gimmick or new approach that you need.”
A flash of memory bolted through Pinkie Pie, “You’re right! Magic is what I need!”
“No, I mean to say that-“
“How did I forget about that? Thanks, Twilight!”
Pinkie Pie turned and galloped to the door, throwing it open and fleeing even faster than she’d come, not listening as the Princess of Friendship called after her. Twilight Sparkle stared at the open door, unsure whether to interfere with whatever course on which Pinkie Pie had just set herself.
Spike warily entered the room, “You know, now might be a good time for a vacation.”
Twilight smiled sadly, “I... I just wish I’d been able to steer her a little better.”
“Come on, Twilight. It’s Pinkie Pie. You know how hard it is to change her mind when she’s fixated on something. There’s not anything else you could have done.”
“I suppose you’re right about that,” she let her head drop to the table with a soft thud. “Why does nobody ever listen to me?”
...
Starlight Glimmer’s kite soared into the air. The weather was perfect. It was sunny with just enough wind to really enjoy the hobby properly. She never even heard Pinkie Pie coming.
“Starlight! You’ve got to help me!”
So startled was the unicorn by the sudden arrival that she nearly fell over, losing her telekinetic grip on her kite.
“Pinkie Pie! What are you wearing?”
As soon as she realized it was just Pinkie Pie, she quickly ignited her magic to gently snatch the kite out of the air, bringing it to the ground so she could secure it. As for the pink party pony, she was catching her breath and did not reply to the initial query.
“What can I do for you?”
“So… you were telling me before about some magic that can help a couple get their groove on. I need it!”
“Are you sure? Once a spell like that gets going-“
“Yes! Come with me! I’ll explain on the way.”
Pinkie Pie turned and began galloping away, catching Starlight Glimmer a little off guard. The unicorn quickly wrapped up her kite and lifted it with magic and pursued her frantic, oddly dressed companion.
“Pinkie Pie!” Starlight called as she caught up, “What is that crazy outfit?”
“I was trying a different approach to get Cheese Sandwich to cooperate, but it didn’t work. I’m going to have a word with Rainbow Dash when this is all over.”
Not sure whether she wanted to know more, the unicorn decided to put that line of questioning aside for a moment and follow up on more pressing matters.
“So, why do you want me to use the Ebullient Coitus on you and Cheese Sandwich?”
“Starlight, I have tried everything I can think of, but he just keeps doing chores around the house. We are working overtime to make a foals, and we haven’t made marital congress all day!”
“Are you sure he wants to?”
“Don’t be ridiculous! He wants to hold those cutesy wootsy little ones as much as I do! This isn’t love play, it’s serious business!”
...
Cheese Sandwich returned to the house cautiously. So far as he could tell, Pinkie Pie had gone after he’d left. The only evidence of the bizarre encounter they’d had was the riding crop, which was on the floor as if it had been carelessly discarded.
The way things had escalated throughout the day could not be so easily ignored. Pinkie Pie had set herself into a feedback loop, and there was only one way Cheese Sandwich knew to break it. He would have to sit down with her and talk it out, no matter if it got her feelings hurt in the short term. She would have to meet him half way and understand that he did want foals, as much as she did, but his body needed rest before they went back to work on it.
The front door bursting open and slamming against the inner wall made Cheese Sandwich jump with fright. He was in the living room and decided to stand his ground and wait. A mere moment later, Pinkie Pie thundered into the room, skidding to a halt so abruptly that Stalight Glimmer nearly ran into her backside.
“Cheese!” Pinkie Pie managed to get out before she collapsed in a heap on the floor, sucking in breath like it were cotton candy.
In a bit of confusion, the stallion looked up to the unicorn, “Hello, Starlight.”
“It’s good to see you again.”
They stood silently a moment as Pinkie Pie heaved for air.
“One sec… just need… catch my breath…”
“So…” Starlight began awkwardly, “Pinkie Pie tells me you might be interested in trying some magic.”
Cheese Sandwich could only guess what his wife had asked for. Although, if there were a magical way to recover his stamina, that could have been a solution to his entire day. Still, a body needs to rest sometimes, and Pinkie Pie certainly didn’t need to be encouraged to continue with her antics, which were still quite out of hoof.
“Well, I don’t know about all that. What did you have in mind?”
Starlight Glimmer cheeks flushed, “Pinkie, I can’t cast this spell on somepony who doesn’t know what they’re agreeing to. Twilight would banish me to Tartarus!”
“I’ll explain it,” Pinkie Pie said as she stood. “Cheese, I know you’ve been really busy working on the house today, but we have skipped our duty. Starlight has a spell, the Embellished Conjunction, and it’s going to help get us ready to take care of business.”
Pinkie Pie began stripping off her ridiculous black outfit.
“It’s the Ebullient Coitus,” Starlight corrected.
The stallion attempted reason, “I don’t think we need any magic to help us-“
“But, Cheese!” Pinkie Pie dropped to her knees in front of him, her hindquarters still draped by black vinyl, “I have literally been throwing myself at you all day with nothing to show for it!”
“Pinkie Pie…” he braced himself for the potential atomic detonation of his mate’s disappointment. “I love you, and I’m completely committed to growing our family. But the truth is that you have just worn me out over the last few days. My body needs some time to rest. A day, maybe two at the most and I’ll be ready to get back to work. Our pace has been exhausting, and I just can’t keep it up.”
The room fell silent as the pleading in Pinkie’s eyes melted. She processed the new information silently for a moment before standing.
“So, that’s why you’ve been ignoring my advances all day?”
“Yes.”
“Well why didn’t you just say so, silly!” The mare’s stomach growled loudly, “I’m going to make us a snack. I’m sure you’re hungry from all the chores you’ve been doing. La, la la…”
She sang to herself as she left the others standing there. Soon she was rummaging around in the kitchen.
“So…” Starlight said uncertainly, “I guess I’ll let myself out then…”
“Not so fast…” Cheese Sandwich said as he brushed past the unicorn, pursuing Pinkie Pie into the kitchen.
Starlight Glimmer, not sure what to do, followed him. The pair found Pinkie Pie rummaging through the cupboards for some bread and fresh fruit.
“Do you mean to tell me that you’ve been after me like sprinkles on a cupcake all day, and now you’re fine?”
“Of course!” Pinkie Pie said cheerfully over her shoulder.
“Huh…”
She turned to him, “Do you want me to keep chasing you while you’re tired?”
Cheese Sandwich made to reply, but realized that he had no response and closed his mouth.
“What is it?” Pinkie Pie asked.
Cheese Sandwich shrugged, “I guess I’m just a little amazed. Sometimes you can get a little out of control when things get complicated.”
“I know exactly what you mean!” Starlight added.
“I’d thought you would be really upset by me needing to rest, that’s why I made excuses all day.”
“Oh Cheese! You’re always overreacting!” Pinkie Pie giggled.
Starlight Glimmer couldn’t help but smile, “I’ll bet Twilight is banging her head on a desk about now asking why nobody ever listens to her. I guess in this case, it was the not knowing that caused all of Pinkie’s stress. So, Cheese, all of your efforts literally caused the problem you were trying to avoid. That’s irony.”
Cheese Sandwich chortled in amusement, “I guess it is. Before you go, what was that magic you had wanted to use for us?”
…
Pinkie Pie grinned at her mate from where she lay. In the cold and darkened room, a nurse pressed an instrument against her abdomen, watching ghostly images appear on a screen. Cheese Sandwich smiled back at her, the fruits of their labor growing daily. The nurse suddenly dropped her jaw in surprise.
"Triplets!”
Both Cheese Sandwich and Pinkie Pie gasped at the declaration.
“What did you two do, mate twice a day for a week?"
“But the… how did… it doesn’t…” Cheese Sandwich couldn’t formulate a cohesive thought.
He was becoming light headed, possibly on the verge of passing out. He grabbed the table to steady himself.
The nurse grinned, "Gotcha!”
The mates were too stunned to even laugh.
“It's a girl!”
…
THE END
