Death & Taxes

by Mr Pancrake

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, King Sombra, Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe
Length: 3379

Luna goes to the store with her son where she gets confronted by a demon sent by the IRS.

All Luna wanted to do was spend time with her son. Being Princess of Equestria, she has very little time to do so, and the only way she can is through brief openings. She's finally found one: at the supermarket!

If only the demon sent by the IRS didn't ruin her day.

The Luna in this story is completely AU to fit the universe. In short: she never went to the moon for 1,000 years and is much more upbeat than her canon self. Hints of canon Luna will be sprinkled throughout because I still have to address the change in character.

Published 2021-12-20 00:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-12-20 00:30:01 UTC

chapter 1

Squeak-Squeak, Squeak-Squeak, Squeak-Squeak…

Endymion shuffled his hooves along the tiled floor of Pirate Island Supermarket. He was trying to find a rhythm with the consistent squeak, squeak, squeaking of the wheels from the cart his mom was pushing. Not because he thought it’d be fun, but because he was bored. Bored, bored, bored. Bored, bored —

"I'm bored!" He reared his head back and groaned as loud as possible.

“Then you can help me find everything we need,” Luna said. She halted at the end of the aisle, the tiny skull and crossbones pennon sticking out from the cart wobbling, and read the sign hanging from the ceiling above the action alley. She mumbled the words to herself.

“Why can’t we get castle staff to do it? Isn’t that what they’re for?”

Still staring at the sign with a decal of a foal holding the hilt of a sword in his mouth, Luna brought a hoof to her chin and rubbed it curiously. “Yes, having castle staff pick up our groceries is easier, but it leaves us as royals disconnected from the outside world. It’s part of the reason why you attend public school instead of private.” She extended a leg out toward the cardboard sheet hanging from the ceiling. “Endymion, I left my glasses in the chamber. Can you be a dear and read the sign for me?”

Endymion huffed and blew a lock of ethereal maroon mane away from his eyes. Then, lowering his head down, he grumbled, “It’s aisle seven. Laundry supplies.”

“Perfect! We can pick up that detergent your father likes.”

Endymion lifted his head and followed as his mom did a U-turn into the next aisle.

“Why do we need detergent? We barely even wear clothes!”

Luna busied her eyes on the shelves, scanning the various products. “It isn’t the matter of wearing clothes. It’s the matter of what goes on when you’re in bed.”

Endymion’s ears flicked. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“You will learn when you’re older.”

“Mom, I’m twelve!”

Luna stopped the cart. “I’m about to reach my second millennium. You think I give a fuck?”

Her horn lit up, and cosmic energy swirled around a gallon bottle of Purple Stuff™. It floated off the shelf, gently landing in the cart next to the eggs.

A wrinkled slip of paper followed by a fountain pen flew out of one of the star-bedazzled saddlebags draped over Luna’s flank, and she marked Purple Stuff™ off the list.

“We have eggs…” she mumbled to herself. “Detergent… bleach… rocks… horseradish… keto grass… keto rocks... all we need is pancake batter.” She stuffed the pen and paper back into her saddlebag and turned to her son. “Do you remember what aisle that was on?”

Endymion groaned. “Eleven,” he mumbled. “Right before we hit Produce Cove.”

“Good!” Luna exclaimed, patting her son on the head and rustling up his mane. “You are learning.”

Endymion ducked and stepped back out of reach of his mom, his ethereal maroon mane disheveled. Stray tufts flowed in the air gently like nebula clouds.

“Hmm, perhaps it’s time for you to get a haircut,” Luna observed.

“I told you, I’m trying to grow it out! I want to get a ponytail, like Star-Patterned Skywing!”

The two moved forward as Luna resumed pushing the cart. “Is that the band you listen to while you’re doing your homework?”

“That’s not the name of the band. That’s the lead singer! And the band is called Cosmic Imbalance.”

“Hm,” Luna hummed. She steered the cart back into the action alley. “Could be that I’m not with the times like I thought. What does their orchestra consist of?”

“They’re not an orchestra. They're a band. There’s a difference.”

“Okay.” Luna rolled her eyes, although Endymion couldn’t see this since she was ahead of him and watching out for enemy moms trying to find the last gallon of Purple Stuff™. “What does this ‘band’ consist of?”

“Bass guitars, synthesizers, remix stations….”

A pinkish-reddish color spread across Luna’s cheeks. “Well, I’m not really with the times after all. I’m just now hearing about some of these instruments.”

“How could you not be familiar with modern tech? Don’t you play video games?”

“I only play pre-seventh gen titles.”

Endymion grew quiet, primarily out of respect.

“Now, where’s that pancake batter….” Luna mumbled.

Endymion took this as his cue to check the signs. A 9… A 10… finally, they arrived at A 11: Baking Supplies.

He lifted his right foreleg up and pointed. “It’s there, right there! Aisle eleven.”

Luna stopped her cart and squinted at the sign. Then, after ensuring that it was, indeed, the correct aisle, she turned into the aisle. They strolled together, scanning the shelves.

“Can we get the kind with chocolate chips in them?”

“Unnecessary,” Luna said. “You can just put chocolate chips in the batter yourself. It’s healthier than the pre-boxed kind, especially if you use dark chocolate. Besides, your father wants to go on a keto-only diet to prepare for next month. He has to still fit in his tuxedo when he goes to the ball in Saddle Arabia.”

Luna stopped and focused her magic onto a box with Keto Cakes etched onto the front. She wheeled the cart around so that she was facing the other direction. Looking down at her son, she said, “There, that didn’t take long. Now, all we have to do is bring the items to the checkout, and we can head back to the castle.”

Endymion breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank Celestia. I was starting to get bored.”

Luna strolled past, scowling at him as she did. “Be a smartass all you want, but don’t take my sister’s name in vain as you do.”

They strolled through the store together in silence after that. Mostly because Endymion was so excited to get home that he didn’t want to say something and risk stalling his mom. There were a few times when Luna would halt to look at something. He would get nervous when she did this and almost groan out of annoyance. He stopped himself.

When they made it to the checkout line, Endymion almost yelled out in frustration. Not only was it long, but out of the nine lanes, only three were open. That was outrageous! Ludicrous! Lame! Opprobrious! Yes, he knew that word! Pejorative!

“Moooom!” he groaned.

“Hm?” Luna looked down at her son beside her with a brow arched.

“Can’t you make the line go by faster?”

“I’m afraid not.”

“But we’re royalty!”

Luna sighed. Turning to her son, she lowered down to her fetlocks and said, “Endymion, if you are to be a royal, you must learn that there are things out of your control. The tides of war, for example. Extreme droughts that could leave crops barren for months. A nationwide collapse of the bank. Powerful storms that could leave hundreds, if not thousands, without homes. Mares on their period. Sappy social media posts about how someone privileged is going through a hardship in their life and that they’re going to pull through, just send prayers. You have to be ready for these things if you are ever going to lead a country.”

Luna raised her head back up and tried to look for the start of the line. It was on Lane 3. They were pushed back to Lane 9. She grimaced. “But some exceptions can be made.”

“Hay!” A mare shouted as Luna pushed past the line of ponies.

“Excuse me,” she said. “Princess business.”

“Watch it!”

“What the hay is wrong with you?”

“Some princess you are!”

“Hay, isn’t that Princess Luna?”

“Shit, she has the last gallon of Purple Stuff™.”

“So, anyway, I was cutting in line and —”

“Greetings!” Luna said to the cashier. It was a seashell pink mare with blonde hair tied into a ponytail. She wore an eyepatch over her left eye and a tricorn hat made of paper over her head. Attached to her vest was a nametag that read, Hello, My Name Is GLIMMERSHINE.

“Welcome to Pirate Island Supermarket. Did you find everything okay?” Every word she spoke lolled with an undertone that implied all life was meaningless and that she shouldn’t be expected to sympathize with your existence. Well, that sucked for her.

“I would like to purchase these,” Luna gestured a hoof toward the shopping cart full of groceries.

Glimmershine’s one free eye set on the cart then returned to Luna. “Kay.”

The mare took the cart and, begrudgingly, started scanning items. It took a while, and the line of angry ponies yelling at them didn’t make it feel any shorter for Endymion. Eventually, though, Glimmershine got to the last item, tapped a few buttons on the LCD screen, and read the total.

“That’s eighty-seven bits.”

The flap of one of the sacks hanging at Luna’s hindquarters lifted and out floated an ebony clasp wallet covered in sparkly glitter. Opening it, Luna floated out a rectangular stack of papers along with a fountain pen.

“I will write a check,” she said.

Endymion bit his lip. His legs were shaking with the anticipation to run outside, but he held himself. All it would take was another minute. Another minute and they would be walking outside with a shopping cart full of groceries stuffed in brown sacks. Another minute and they would be on their way home.

His chest thumped. Beyond all the squabbling of customers, he could barely make out the distinctive scratches as his mother wrote the check. It grated against his eardrums, squelching within his soul and vibrating every nerve in his body. Then, riiiiiip! The check hovered in the air toward Glimmershine.

They waited for the receipt to print for what felt like five minutes, then — Yes! — they were ready to go.

Finally! He had to prevent himself from yelling in triumph. This was it. They were about to leave. It only took most of the morning. They could get home before lunch, and he would have the rest of the day to himself. He could already read the entrance sign, which started to look more and more like a beacon of hope: YOU ARE NOW LEAVING PIRATE ISLAND!

Then the entrance exploded.

Well, not explode per se, but the two plastic palm trees that stood on either side of the automatic doors spontaneously combusted.

Endymion didn’t realize how fast he was moving until he lowered his haunches to slow down, sliding just a few feet ahead of his mother. The smell of burning plastic and tropical breeze wafted into his nose, along with an eggy smell. Much closer to rotten eggs than fresh, but there was also a hint of… lavender.

“Endymion, step back!”

A weird feeling came over him as gravity suddenly became a second guess, and in less than a moment, he was flying backward into his mom’s forehooves. She hugged him tightly to her chest and hunched down over him.

The room became hot. Ponies everywhere screamed. The air became tinged with orange. He could hear Glimmershine saying something like, “I wasn’t even supposed to come in today.” Well, that sucked for her.

Finally, BOOM!

The ground beneath Endymion snarled like a gnarly beast and shook with more ferocity than any earthquake could muster. The tiles cracked, ceiling panels fell, ponies ran for the exit entirely engulfed by flames. Then—

DING!

It all stopped. The air still had an orange tinge, but it was less harsh. The ponies stopped screaming. The only sound still apparent was the crackling of flames.

Endymion wriggled in his mom’s grasp and expected her to hug him closer but was surprised when she let go. Luna rose, wide-eyed and staring straight ahead. At an elevator. Directly in front of the entrance. The doors slid open.

Endymion blinked. Before him stood, on two legs, a humongous beast. If he could compare it to any creature, it would be a minotaur. It had a snout and horns that spiraled outward; however, this thing was much bigger than any minotaur, and its muscles were far more distinctive. Its triceps had triceps. Its biceps had biceps. Its abs had abs. Its corneas had cor — wait, those were glasses.

The towering beast took a single step out of the elevator and lifted a branch-like arm, fixed the tie around his neck, then pointed toward Luna.

“Princess Luna!” It bellowed. Its voice had an unsettling shrill to it as if the screams of a hundred dying souls came together to form words. “You can’t keep running forever!”

Luna stepped forward, shielding Endyimion behind her legs. “I said that I will get in touch with your organization when I have the time!”

The demon folded his masculine arms and shook his head, giving her a tsk-tsk face. “You’ve dodged our messengers multiple times already. You are three years past due. We have provided you with ample leeway due to your status, yet you still dodge us. Princess Luna, pay your taxes now, or I’ll have to bring you to Hell.”

Endymion blinked rapidly. His head switched between his mom, to the demon, back to his mom, back to the demon, and so on.

Taxes? He thought. Endymion was young and hardly understood how an economy’s financial system functioned altogether, but he was smart enough to realize that taxes and demons didn’t quite go together. Unless they did then, well, this would be a learning experience. Well, his mom would try to make it into a learning experience. Endymion just wanted to go home.

“You should have received my last payment two months ago. So how could you assume that I’m trying to dodge you?” Luna argued.

“Yes, you turned your payment in, but it was only a fraction of a fraction of what you owe to us. You’ve run out of time, Luna. Come with me, and we will settle this matter like adults.”

“What about my son?” Luna placed a hoof on Endymion’s head and ruffled up his mane some more. Endymion thought about ducking out of reach of his mom but decided to play along since it might mean going home quicker. “He has lots of homework to do, and his father isn’t the brightest bulb in the universe.”

At the mention of her son, the demon perked up. A smile spread across his face, and his amber eyes darted downward to meet Endymion’s maroon eyes. “Well, hello there, boy. Would you like to learn about Hell today?”

Endymion was about to respond, but Luna covered his mouth with a hoof. “I’m afraid it’s not a very good time. He has lots of homework. Besides, I don’t believe any child would have interest in economic finances.”

“Well, you’re the princess, aren’t you?” The demon pointed out.

“Yes, and I’m very —”

“And that child of yours is a direct descendent of yours…”

“Yes, but —”

“And the child is on his way to a position of power. I believe this would be a great educational experience for him, and I believe any great parent would be ecstatic to put their child through such an educational experience.”

The demon lowered to one knee and held out a hand—err, claw—err, gnarly appendage toward Endymion. “Sonny, would you like to see Hell?”

Endymion didn’t know how to respond. On the one hoof, he wanted to go home. On the other, the demon had claws bigger than his body. How bad could Hell be?

He nodded. “Sure.”

Luna groaned, and Endymion couldn’t help but notice how similar she sounded to how he did earlier. “Ugh, fine. Let’s go to Hell.”

The elevator doors reopened automatically, and they all stepped in one by one. Endymion was surprised by how spacious it was on the inside. He also admired the subtle hint of lavender for covering up the scent of burning sulfur. Finally, the doors slid closed.

Some catchy elevator music was blaring through speakers that they couldn’t see. The demon ecstatically tapped his foot (he was wearing classic loafers) along with the beat. The small space filled with what sounded like a paddle ball beating someone senseless. Luna’s hoof tapped along with the beat too, although she didn’t notice.

Finally, after a minute of silence had passed, Luna held a hoof over her mouth and cleared her throat. “So, uh, do you have a name?”

Still fixated on the elevator doors, the demon responded, “Yes, I do.”

They continued to ride the elevator in silence for several seconds.

“Can you tell me it?”

“Yes, I can.”

Again, they rode in silence for several seconds.

“So what is it?”

The demon sighed. He turned to Luna. “Listen, we’re not allowed to say our actual names. It’s a weird rule, I know, but it’s reserved for summonings. If I were to say my name, I would essentially be dooming myself to eternity, and I don’t think could stand those additional ten years without retirement.”

Luna smirked. “Yes, but if you are to accompany us, there must be a name you can go by.”

The demon shrugged. “Eh, sure. Feel free to call me whatever until we part ways.”

“Dave!”

“Except that.”

Luna furrowed her brows at him. “But you said that I could call you whatever I like.”

“You can, just not Dave. “

“What’s wrong with Dave?”

“The fact that you have to even ask that shows how ignorant you are!” Both Luna and Endymion flinched at the demon’s sudden outburst. He flailed his claws in the air. “Everywhere I go, it’s Dave this, and Dave that. Like, oh, HA HA the scary-looking demon who is the spawn of darkness and possibly the evilest thing put on this planet has the most generic-sounding name. Like, it’s overdone at this point. Pick something a little more creative or don’t bother naming me at all.”

Luna relaxed her body, not realizing how tense she was. The demon’s critique on her naming conventions felt like a low blow. “Well —err— alright. What would you like to be called?”

The demon scratched his head for a moment. “I don’t know. How about Tenebris?”

“Hmm… nah, I like Dave better.”

Endymion nodded his head in agreement. “Yeah, Dave flows off the tongue better.”

Dave huffed. “What’s wrong with Tenebris?”

“It just sounds…” Luna held a hoof up in the air and shook it slightly. “Emo.”

“I’m literally a demon!”

“Yes, which means you at least have more self-respect! Dave is fitting. I like Dave.”

“Yeah, I like Dave,” Endymion spoke up.

Dave looked down at the small gray foal. “Oh, sorry sonny. I don’t believe I caught your name.”

“Endymion.”

“What the HECK!” Dave gestured to Endymion and looked up at Luna. “Why does he get a cool-sounding name but I don’t?”

Luna lowered her head down by her son and looked at him lovingly. “Because I can at least call him Endy, and that’s adorable enough.”

Dave beamed. “Heh, you’re right. That is adorable.”

Endymion’s face turned beet red. “Shut the hell up, mom.”

“Don’t fucking curse in front of your mother,” Luna snapped lovingly.

Endymion backed away from his mom’s beaming face in wide-eyed horror. When she did this is was mostly meant to be a warning, although it still chilled him to his core. Deciding to change the subject, he looked up at Dave and said, “H-how far down does this elevator go? We’ve been here for a while.”

“Not much longer,” Dave replied. “Transfering between worlds takes a few minutes. Just think of it as a drive to the store.”

In comparison, eternity was starting to sound more appealing to Endymion because at least he wouldn’t still be at the store.

Dave turned his attention back to the doors when something caught his eye. He squinted at the side panel with nine consecutive buttons, and realization dawned on him. “Oh,” he said. “We aren’t even moving.”

He reached a claw toward the panel and pressed the button with a “1” on it. Immediately, it felt like they were all floating as the elevator started to move.

“Give it about forty minutes. We’ll be there in no time.”

Luna groaned. There were many occasions where Luna regretted being immortal, and this was one of them.