Arrest Ye Merry Gentlemares

by FanOfMostEverything

Rating: teen
Tags: Spitfire, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Other
Length: 4508

Spitfire is tired of Rainbow Dash's ridiculous stories. Dash doesn't see the problem. The Ponyville chief of police had hoped for a quiet Hearth's Warming for once.

In her short time on the Wonderbolts roster, Rainbow Dash has become the star atraction of the locker room with her wild stories. It was amusing at first, but Spitfire's gotten sick of it. Clearly, the best way to stop these tall tales is to see just how mundane Dash's home life really is. Hearth's Warming will provide the perfect excuse.

And that's where the problem really started, Chief Rights...

Written for The Iguana Man for Jinglemas 2021. Miranda Rights borrowed with permission from Estee, who wants it on record that they had nothing to do with the title. Rated Teen for significant alcohol use.

Published 2021-12-24 15:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2021-12-24 15:40:02 UTC

May Nothing You Detain

The first thing that stuck with Spitfire after the gap in her memory was an overpowering astringent taste flooding her mouth, somewhere between oversteeped tea and chewing a lemon peel. Then came either a blinding headache or Celestia shoving the sun in Spitfire's eyes while driving an ice pick into her forehead with all the power of an alicorn. Going by the wails of the damned to her right, this was all happening in literal Tartarus.

After a few agonizing moments, the headache vanished, the blinding light faded to a desk lamp, and the wails lessened to Rainbow Dash speaking softly on the cushion next to her.

Going by the cushions that were somehow harder than bare floor, the institutional beige walls, and the mare in the police uniform on the other side of the desk in front of Spitfire, she held by her initial guess of where they were. Especially once she registered the restraint jacket binding her wings and forelegs tight enough that she could barely wriggle either.

The unicorn mare's coat was a darker shade of blue than her uniform, dappled with forest green in a way that brought to mind more than one R&D meeting between the various heads of Equestria's armed forces. Spitfire supposed the eggheads in DARPON would call it "suburban camo." In shadow, it would break up the mare's outline and render her nearly invisible, especially given her dark eyes. In the office, looking at her was like getting judged by a living ink blot.

"Well, looks like the sobriety potion worked," said the policemare. "I'll have to thank Zecora. Here." Gray-green magic tossed a blue-striped candy cane to each pegasus.

Spitfire looked at the candy, then the policemare, then the glorified straitjacket binding everything between her neck and her hips. After a few more reps, she asked "Really?"

"You should see the rest of the station. Ever since Pinkie Pie came to town..." The mare shook her head. "Justice may be blind, but Laughter has certain expectations."

Spitfire's ears twitched at a metallic clink. She turned to see Rainbow Dash, ears and wings drooping, take her candy cane in her bound forehooves. Spitfire held back a flash of jealousy; all Dash had was a pair of hoofcuffs. "Aw, feathers," the rookie groaned before popping the straight end of the candy cane in her mouth.

"Congratulations are in order, Rainbow Dash." The policemare magically pulled one sheet out of the stack of paper on her desk. "It's been roughly four moons since we had to meet in an official capacity. Scootaloo really has turned over a new leaf."

"Look, Officer..." Spitfire glanced at the nameplate on the desk, idly noting the Hearth's Warming doll leaning against it. "Miranda Rights. I think there's been a misunderstanding here."

"I agree. Several of them. For one, that's Chief Rights, Captain."

Spitfire arched an eyebrow. From what details she could make out, the mare looked younger than her. Possibly a bit younger than Dash. "So you know who I am."

That got a nod. "Rainbow and I have to pass the time somehow while she's bailing out her little protege. Or her friends are getting her out of here. I can only assume she's getting it out of her system under your watchful eye these days."

"Something like that."

"That just leads to the question of who's watching you."

Spitfire scowled. "I don't have to take this from a mare who just got out of the academy."

Chief Rights gave a humorless laugh. "Try keeping Ponyville stable for a few years, Captain. You'll feel older than Celestia. But we're not here to discuss my credentials. We're certainly not here because any of us want to be, not on Hearth's Warming." She nodded towards the office window. Snow peeked out where her desk lamp hadn't turned it into a mirror. "We're here because..." She trailed off and hummed to herself. "Actually, why don't we see how much you recall, Captain? Rainbow Dash has offered her side of things, but I'd like to get as complete a picture as I can."

Publicity Stunt, the Wonderbolts' head of PR, had made the team's arrest protocol clear: Clam up and wait for a lawyer. Apparently Pub hadn't gotten to Rainbow Dash yet. The mare shook her head, nearly dislodging the candy cane. "I told you, Miranda, it's my fault."

Spitfire sighed. "It isn't. Not really. It started in the locker room..."

Firefly Mesa was home to legends, whether they were the exhibits in the museum of past Wonderbolts, active 'Bolts daring gravity to do its worst, or just the tale of what would happen if anypony ever managed to brew a pot of coffee that couldn't strip paint.

Rainbow Dash's contribution was largely in the locker room. "So we open the door, and the whole castle's full of cardboard skeletons. Spike has a beard, Big Mac has a horn, and Discord has a mane like a shampoo ad." She grinned and wrapped a towel around her head to shade her eyes. "So naturally I jump in. I get this awesome hooded robe with all these lockpicks and throwing knives, and we all start laying into the skeletons! Bam! Pow!" She thrust a few hooves at unseen enemies.

The audience took a few collective steps back, expressions ranging from wonder to skepticism to Surprise on the verge of laughter, tears, or both. "I'm still getting used to the idea that you let the Spirit of Chaos just hang out with foals," said Blaze. "Dragon foals, sure, but it still seems dangerous."

Dash paused mid-buck and shook her head. "Nah, Discord loves foals. He says ponies are best before they learn to behave."

Spitfire chose that moment to make herself known. "He must love you, then."

Most of her 'Bolts made tracks once she got in the room. Rainbow Dash just landed and shrugged. "Eh, we have fun."

"I'm sure." Spitfire brought a pinion to her chin. "You know, with Hearth's Warming coming up, I should probably tell you about another little tradition here in the 'Bolts."

Dash took a step back, ears flat. "This won't be like that time Fire Streak made me look for cloud polish, will it?"

Fleetfoot snickered as she shut her locker. "Ah, classic."

That got her a glare over Spitfire's sunglasses until she cantered out of the room. "It's not hazing. It's just something I like to do as captain, to get to know my ponies a little better. If you have any Hearth's Warming parties coming up with those friends of yours, I'd like to sit in on one."

"You..." Dash's mouth moved wordlessly for a bit, eyes widening. Her rear legs gave out. The impact of her hindquarters against the floor was enough to force out a "What?"

"I know it feels intrusive, but it does help build bonds beyond me yelling at you because you can't stay in formation during the Shock Diamond Supreme."

Normally, Dash would've complained about High Winds not keeping her slipstream to herself. That should've been the first warning. Instead, her face split open in the biggest grin Spitfire had seen outside of foals getting her autograph. "Yes! A thousand times yes!" The next thing Spitfire knew, Dash had grabbed her and was doing continual loops around the locker room. "Omigosh, this is gonna be great! The party's at Twilight's palace on Hearth's Warming Eve. You timed it perfectly—"

"Crash, hold still before I throw up!"

Just like that, Spitfire found herself on one of the benches, Dash still grinning like a madmare in front of her. "Yes, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am. But like I said, we're keeping it small this year. Everypony's gonna love you, and you're absolutely gonna have a great time!"

"You, uh, seem awfully enthusiastic about having your boss attend your Hearth's Warming party."

"Ma'am, I've wanted a Wonderbolt for Hearth's Warming since I knew what the Wonderbolts were. This is the best present you could've given me."

Hearth's Warming was almost here once again, but paperwork waited for no mare or holiday. Thus, Spitfire was in her office when Soarin' knocked on the door as he let himself in. "So. That could've gone better."

Spitfire spared him all of one glance before turning back to the year-end requisition forms. "You got something to say, Clipper?"

"This is a terrible idea and you need to tell Rainbow Dash you were kidding about this holiday tradition stuff yesterday."

If anything good had come of that debacle at the Equestria Games tryouts, it was Soarin' speaking up more. But Spitfire still shook her head. "Not until I see for myself that these stories of hers are so many horseapples."

Soarin' groaned. "Spits, it's Ponyville."

That got a nod. "Right. Typical ground town. Barely mustered enough wingpower to refill the Cloudsdale reservoir. The most exciting thing there is probably the gossip about who got caught cuddling with their cousin this week."

Approaching hoofsteps got her to look up to see the most serious expression she'd seen on Soarin's face all year. "It's the town with the dragon who caught us in a water tower like a foal going after fireflies."

"Oh. That was Ponyville?" After a moment's thought, Spitfire shrugged her wings. "Eh, I'm sure that was a fluke. It'll be fine."

"And the alicorn who's still figuring out her wings."

"Soarin'."

"And the Everfree right next door."

"Don't make me order you to put a sock in it," Spitfire said with a scowl.

Soarin' matched her. "I am telling you as both your friend and your second-in-command that this is a bad plan."

"The point stands that we need to channel Rainbow Dash's showboat tendencies constructively. Making up nonsense isn't any better than whatever that little identity crisis was in her first days on the main team. Yes, she's saved the world. We're very grateful. That doesn't give her the right to make up all kinds of side adventures. I can't have the team distracted by stories about magic comic books and infinite party ponies when they should be focusing on new routines. I'm putting her in her place and that's final." Spitfire slammed her hoof on her desk for emphasis. "Understood?"

Soarin' glared at her for a few seconds more before snapping off a parade-grade salute. "Yes, ma'am. Under protest, ma'am."

"Noted." Spitfire turned back to her paperwork. "Dismissed."

"Yes, ma'am." It was impressive how much contempt the stallion could cram into those two words.

"Wait, that's why you wanted to come to the Hearth's Warming party?"

Spitfire winced. "You're a great flier, Crash, but—"

She'd expected a look like a kicked puppy when she turned to Rainbow Dash. She got pure confusion. "Captain, I'm playing down my stories in the locker room. I don't even talk about half the stuff my friends and I have done. I barely believe I did some of it. Like the thing with helping Luna with the Tantabus."

"The what?"

"I was there for that one," said Chief Rights. "The whole town was; that was the point of the shared dreamscape."

Spitfire whipped back to her. "The what?"

Rights shook her head. "The point, Captain, is that Soarin' was right to warn you. This is Ponyville. If six impossible things happen before breakfast in this town, that just means you're getting something from Sugarcube Corner."

"Hmmph. Well." Spitfire glanced back at Dash. "I suppose I owe you an apology."

"You can hash that out later," said Rights. "I'm still waiting to hear how this led to where I found you two."

"I'm getting to that. Things seemed normal when I arrived, aside from a dragon welcoming me into a crystal castle..."

Spitfire had been to the Crystal Empire a few times. The crystal ponies had been banished in the infancy of aerobatics, and couldn't get enough of it since their return. Her time in the Empire had been bizarre, but at least it had been consistently bizarre. A crystal building in the middle of an otherwise typical farming town reached a whole new level of weird, even before considering the reptilian butler—valet? majordomo? She could never keep different kinds of servant straight—guiding her up to a library with enough books to keep the princess of eggheads happy.

"Spitfire, you made it!"

Speaking of whom. "Of course. This was my idea. Your Highness."

"Please call me Twilight," the fourth alicorn in the world said as they bumped hooves. "I can hardly be the Princess of Friendship if I make ponies stand on ceremony."

"Princess Celestia says something similar every time we meet." Spitfire shrugged. "Still hard not to pay proper respect to an alicorn."

That got an understanding smile Twilight had cribbed from Celestia. "Fair enough."

"Spitfire! Hi!" A pink blur whizzed into view and started bouncing around faster than Spitfire could track. "We haven't really met except for the time I was in the crowd where Rarity knocked you out or when we all went to Wonderbolts headquarters to deliver Rainbow Dash's care package so she wouldn't forget about us but you were in your office or when you did that show that Rainbow kinda sabotaged because you triggered her foalhood trauma but I've never really had the chance to say hi until now. So hi! Again!"

The blur retreated and Spitfire took a few moments to let the room stop shaking. "What?"

Twilight giggled. "Yeah, that's Pinkie."

"That doesn't answer my question." Spitfire blinked as she registered a weight in one wing that hadn't been there a minute ago. "How long have I been holding this eggnog?"

"Yeah, that's Pinkie." Twilight clinked the glass with her own, which she definitely hadn't had before. "I'd say you get used to her, but you don't really. It's part of her charm."

After a wary sip, Spitfire grinned. "Well, whatever she is, she makes good nog." She gave the princess another nod and looked about the room for somepony a bit more mundane to chat up. The yellow mare in the corner seemed promising in that regard. "Ah, hi there!"

The mare flinched back before collecting herself and giving a little nod. "Um, hi."

Spitfire blinked. "Huh."

A few moments later, the mare gulped and said, "Is something wrong?"

"I hardly ever meet a pegasus who doesn't care that I'm a Wonderbolt."

Another uneasy pause. "I'm sorry?"

Spitfire shook her head. "Don't be. It's refreshing. What do you do?"

"I look after animals, mostly."

Dash swooped in. "Fluttershy's chief ecosystem manager for the town. Happy Hearth's Warming, Cap."

Spitfire clinked glasses with her. "Happy Hearth's Warming, Crash." She turned back to Flutterhy. "So, teaching baby birds to fly, that sort of thing?"

It was like flicking a switch or watching a flower bloom. Fluttershy straightened up, tossed her mane out of her eyes, and smiled like when Dash heard Spitfire would be coming to Ponyville. "Oh, yes! I look after all the little darlings."

"Plus she helps keep the Everfree contained," added Dash.

"Really?"

Fluttershy blushed. "W-well, most of the creatures there are more afraid of ponies then we are of them. It's really a matter of finding out why they're willing to go out of the forest."

"Still, impressive." With a sidelong glance to Dash, Spitfire added, "I've heard more than a few things about that place. Nice to hear it's not quite as bad as ponies make it out to be."

That brought back some of Fluttershy's earlier nervousness. Probably realized she was supposed to cover for her friend. "Well—"

Spitfire held up a pinion as she tipped back her glass with the other wing. "Hold that thought; I need a refill."

Dash followed her as she made her way to the refreshments table. "Hey, careful with that stuff. Pinkie mixes her eggnog for rock farmers."

"Ah yes. 'Rock farmers.'" Air quotes didn't have quite the same satisfying feeling with only one free wing, but Spitfire could roll with it. "It's fine. The colt's drinking it."

"The colt's a dragon, Cap."

As if on cue, the dragon belched a bright blue flame. "Great batch, Pinkie!"

"Thanks!" Spitfire got the brief impression of something pony-shaped before the blur bounced to the other side of the room.

"Relax, Crash," she said. "I know my limits."

Nopony said anything, but Chief Rights's raied eyebrow spoke volumes.

"I do," said Spitfire. "You can't go to as many social functions as I have and not know when to cut yourself off. I just underestimated the eggnog."

That got a grudging nod. "Pie family eggnog can take ponies by surprise, but you were warned. Again."

Spitfire would've crossed her forelegs if the restraint jacket hadn't taken care of that for her. She still looked away and grumbled.

"So," said the chief, "how many glasses?"

After a few moments' thought, Spitfire said, "I'm actually not sure. I think the pink one kept refilling mine when I wasn't looking."

Dash cleared her throat. "Well..."

"Something you'd like to add to your earlier testimony, Rainbow?"

"Y'see, a couple times through the night..."

"Who wants more eggnog?"

"I do!"

"Pinkie, I think she's—"

"More for our special guest!"

"Thanks, pink hallucination!"

"Hee! That's what they call me!"

Silence pressed down on Spitfire again. "Oh," she forced out.

"I mean, aside from that, everything was going great," said Dash. "Up until..."

Rainbow Dash did her best to keep an eye on Spitfire. It was a subordinate's duty to keep her senior officers from embarrassing themselves. Probably. That seemed like something that would be in the part of the Wonderbolt hoofbook she hadn't read yet.

"All due respect, Cap'n Spitfire, but I think you've had enough."

Spitfire swayed on her hooves. It might have been to music. Clearly not the record playing in one corner of the library, but Dash couldn't say what she was actually hearing at this point. "You're Applejack?"

AJ nodded. "Yes'm."

A leer spread across Spitfire's lips, one Dash hoped to never see again. "You're almost as hot as Crash says you are."

Dash choked on her hot chocolate and rushed to stop the conversation before it got any worse.

AJ's raised eyebrow was, if anything, worse than Spitfire's leer. "That so?"

"Happy Hearth's Warming, darlings!"

"Oh hey, look at that subject change!" Dash all but shouted. "Rarity! You're looking... uh..." She trailed off as the sight of the unicorn finally registered.

There were epaulettes. And shakos. And braiding. Dash wasn't sure what all of those were, but they were definitely there, along with more brass than Pinkie's one-mare band. "You didn't think I just threw out those historical Wonderbolt uniforms, did you?" Rarity said with a toss of her mane. "When I heard about our esteemed guest, I had to dress for the occasion. It did make me later than is strictly fashionable, but you have to admit that the look is worth it." She posed, head high, one leg raised. "Your thoughts, Captain?"

Spitfire nodded in the slow, solemn way of the thoroughly soused trying to act sober. "That is very, very..." She trailed off and blinked somewhat out of sync. "Hang on, didn't you kick me in the face at the Best Young Fliers Competition?"

Rarity flushed and cleared her throat. "Well, who's to say? Mistakes were made, lessons were learned, our Rainbow Dash saved the day, all's well that ends well, yes?" She did a little twirl. "Much like this replica uniform, modified for more modern sensibilities."

"It's very nice," Spitfire said with minimal slurring. "Don't think it'll replace the modern flightsuits, but you make the museum piece look good, Charity."

"Rarity."

"'Swhat I said. In fact, this gives me an idea. Crash!"

Dash gulped as she stood to attention. "Yes, ma'am?"

"Follow me." Spitfire's grin spoke of a terrible idea. Her leaving the library shouted it. "I know just how to spice up this party."

"Uh, Captain, won't it be hard to do that if we're leaving the party?"

"Trust me, Crash, this is gonna be great." Somehow, Spitfire found a window in the winding hallways of the castle. Dash wasn't sure if it had been there the day before, but it was there now, and so Spitfire opened it. "I got the idea from your ranger friend, Shutterfly."

Dash followed her outside. It wasn't like she could let Spitfire fly out into a snowy night alone in this state. "Really?" She looked back and couldn't see any sign of the window behind them.

"Yeah. All that talk about how the Everfree's more afraid of us than we are of it, it just goes to show what I thought." Spitfire spread her hooves over Ponyville. To her credit, her flight was as steady as ever. "This town isn't so crazy. And we're gonna prove it the way the old way, the proper pegasus way, just like Shuttlefry."

Dash went over the Wonderbolt history lessons still ingrained in her memory. "Can't say I follow, Cap."

"You used to be on the weather patrol for this town, right?"

"Yeah..."

"Great. Where do they keep the storm clouds?"

The answer, just as ingrained as the history, came out before Dash could think about it. "The reserve cell's a quarter-mile south of town. Why?"

Spitfire said nothing, just speeding off due south. Dash had no choice but to follow her. The reserves only had half a dozen clouds in them, distinguishable from the seasonal cloud cover only by the tingle in her wings as she got close. "Captain? The hay are you thinking?"

For a moment, she hoped that the cold might have sobered Spitfire up a little. Then the captain's head popped out of the biggest cloud in the cell, grinning like a madmare. "We're gonna go out and hit something with lightning until we can bring it back as a trophy!"

"We're what!?"

"It's gonna be great." Spitfire looped back around and started pushing the cloud. "Let's go for a manticore. I'll make a hat, just like the old Pegasopolitan generals."

"Spitfire, you can't just fire lightning into the Everfree!" Dash zipped to the other side of the cloud, trying to shove it back. "You're not even pushing this thing in the right direction; you're taking it back into town!"

"Do I need to make that an order, Airmare?"

"I'm not following orders that will get somepony killed!"

Spitfire scoffed. "You're gonna have a rough time in the air force."

"We're a demonstration squadron!" Dash cried, flapping up on top of the cloud to better shout some sense into Spitfire. "You go out of your way to tell recruits that we're just here to make the EUP look good!"

"You're still under my command. Now let's go get me a hat!"

"I. Said. No!" Dash stomped a hoof for emphasis.

A blinding flash answered her. Thunder rumbled. A chill that had nothing to do with the temperature ran down her spine.

Dash crept over the edge of the cloud to see the damage and winced. "Oh boy."

"What?"

"That was the police station."

Spitfire said nothing for a few moments. "You have a police station?"

Then gray-green magic enveloped both of them and yanked.

"And, after I broke out Zecora's early Hearth's Warming present for the precinct, that brings us to now," said Chief Rights.

Dash sighed. "Like I said, Chief, it's my fault. I'm the one who triggered the bolt."

Spitfire shook her head. "I was the one who was drunk and disorderly, and this whole farce was my idea. If you're going to throw the book at anypony, it should be me."

Chief Rights leaned back and took a deep breath. "Look, you two. You're both being very noble after the fact. And the fact is that it's Hearth's Warming Eve, I'm working a double shift so most of the force can be with their families, and I very much doubt this will be the only incident I have to deal with tonight." She turned to Spitfire. "Usually I'd throw you in a cell overnight to let you detox, but the potion took care of that. I will say that you give me hope for Rainbow Dash."

"How so?" said Spitfire.

"You clearly have decent impulse control normally. That or you have one Tartarus of a publicist."

"Both." Spitfire made a mental note to give Publicity Stunt a raise next year.

Chief Rights nodded. "If that's how you behave without that impulse control, then I may be looking at a more mature Rainbow. A bit more restraint, and she'll endanger the world a lot less often than she saves it. And I'll be able to do my job without the princesses telling me to waive charges on certain repeat offenders."

"I'm right here, you know," said Dash.

"Yes, I do." Another deep breath and Chief Rights turned back to Spitfire. "Please start listening to your subordinates more and Pinkie Pie less. Right now, you're the one who's keeping this one from making the blotter on a weekly basis. You clearly have a good head on your shoulders. Use it."

Spitfire couldn't help but smirk. "Anypony ever tell you you'd make a decent drill sergeant?"

Chief Rights rolled her eyes. "I don't like yelling at ponies; I'm just good at it. Also, that'll be a two-hundred-bit fine."

"What!?"

"Like you said, drunk and disorderly. Plus defacing public property and misappropriation of weather resources."

Spitfire grumbled a bit, but nodded. "I'll wire it to you when I get back to base."

"That'll work." Chief Rights lit her horn, and the various straps on the restraint jacket came undone, along with Dash's hoofcuffs. "Happy Hearth's Warming, and don't let it happen again. I don't know which one of you is Hurricane and which is Pansy in this situation, but keep a close eye on each other."

The rest of the station was indeed more gaily decorated than the chief's office, with tinsel along the walls, a tree by the reception desk, and a whole basket of those blue-striped candy canes.

Dash cleared her throat. "I guess I'm not telling this one in the locker room, huh, Cap?"

Spitfire sighed. "No, I think this one's on me. Though I will need your help."

"With what?"

"When Soarin' says he told me so, make sure I don't turn him into a hat."

Author's Note

DARPON, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Operational Network, is my own creation. Funnily enough, it debuted in an earlier Jinglemas story. Publicity Stunt did not, but she's still relevant here.

I didn't really need to use Miranda Rights, but she's my favorite Ponyville police chief (not that there are many,) and having somepony who specializes in grabbing and, if necessary, separating perps is very helpful for detaining pegasi on a cloud. Plus, Estee's a cool guy. Eh writes stories and doesn't afraid of anything.

That said, given who this is for, I do wish I could've incorporated Iota Force somehow. Hope you enjoy this, Iguana. And everyone else.