I wish I stayed at the Hive
Nightmare Moon tricks Queen Chrysalis
By iAmSiNnEr
“Right you are, Princess,” Chrysalis boasted as she revealed her true form. “And as queen of the changelings, it is up to me to find food for my subjects-”
“DID I HEAR QUEEN?” A familiar voice shouted down the hallway. “A NEW SPECIES?”
Twilight shrugged. “Here we go again…”
Celestia leaned on the podium. “It’d be interesting to see what Luna can come up with this time… what could she possibly offer the changelings?”
“Personally,” Cadence whispered to Celestia and Twilight. “I think she’s gonna go all out. Remember the griffons? She didn’t bring her best material, and they flat out turned her down until she offered them the pith helmets.”
“Would pith helmets even work for the changelings?” Twilight wondered.
Cadence shrugged as Nightmare Moon teleported into the room, causing the ponies gathered to gasp and immediately pull out a clipboard to take notes. After all, it wasn’t often that the self-proclaimed greatest salespony did her sales pitch in front of the general population. When they did, her methods could be sold for a large number of bits to aspiring salesponies.
“The changeling queen!” Nightmare Moon exclaimed. “Perfect! You got my letter inviting you to Canterlot! Although, you did ignore the letter about the party on the moon…”
Discord teleported in to float beside Celestia. With a snap of his fingers, he passed out popcorn buckets to Cadance and Twilight, before presenting a cake to Celestia. The four of them began snacking on their respective snacks, observing the scene.
Chrysalis spluttered. “Wha- no, I am not here about the letter- who are you, even?”
Nightmare Moon blinked in surprise. “You didn’t see the whole ‘Eternal Night’ going on?”
“Our hive has a ceiling,” Chrysalis shrugged. “I don’t watch the sky. Besides, we don’t need sunlight to get love.”
"So basically," Nightmare Moon leaned in. "You haven't gotten and heard my proposals and sales pitches."
"...no?"
"Then you're in for a treat!" Nightmare Moon exclaimed. "High Advisor Sparkle, we need your assistance!"
"I'm beginning to think I should have stayed at the hive," Chrysalis muttered under her breath. “The love ain’t worth this. I already got so many sponsorship ads when I was researching on PonyTube on ‘how to take over Equestria’. Can I skip those?”
“Nope!” Nightmare Moon replied cheerfully as her armor and regalia melted away to reveal her suit and tie. A suitcase popped into existence before her, and she retrieved a pair of glasses from it, placing them on her snout.
“High Advisor Sparkle here to serve, your Majesty!” Twilight teleported for the sake of teleporting, appearing in front of Chrysalis, making the changeling queen jump.
“What is this madness?” Chrysalis yelped. “I could just blast you into oblivion-”
Nightmare Moon lifted her glasses up, her expression a stony one. “The windigos tried that. Want to try me?”
Chrysalis shivered at the dark look. “No, your Majesty.”
“So we go to my proposals!” Nightmare Moon put the glasses back on, her expression once again cheerful. “High Advisor Sparkle, please bring out the necessary documents!” She looked at the confused look on Chrysalis’s face. “I learned with the yaks that documents are necessary to make this official.” she explained.
“Looks like she’s going with the benefits plan,” Discord whispered. “Cadance, I think you’re going to be up soon. She needs an expert on love at some point to strike a deal with them.”
“Really,” Celestia shrugged as she chomped on a moon pie. “Why doesn’t she get a lawyer? It’d make things easier on poor Twilight.” She tossed another moon pie into her mouth. “Least I get infinite moon pies.”
“So, here is my proposal!” Nightmare Moon exclaimed. “If you agree not to attack Equestria, we’ll provide you with a source of love and many other benefits. The containers for said love will be provided by my newest sponsor-”
“Your Majesty,” Twilight coughed. “Polls show that talking about the sponsors at the end of the sequence makes for a more enticing sales pitch. After all, this is an entire species we’re talking about. Didn’t the yaks get bored and start smashing chairs?”
“That is very true,” Nightmare Moon mused. “Very well! Queen Chrysalis, will you accept our offer?”
“I would like to take a look at the fine print,” Chrysalis said after a pause. “And my lawyer, Drone 6CP-4. 6CP-4, get in here!" At that, a changeling flew into the room, carrying a briefcase with him.
“Wait, changelings have lawyers?” Cadence wheezed. “That’s hilarious. What do they need them for?”
“I assume love distribution disputes,” Discord shrugged as he enlarged his whole mouth to drop a whole box of popcorn in. “Those are probably common in their love-scarce community.”
“Very well,” Nightmare Moon conceded. “High Advisor Sparkle, please present the contracts and documents.” Twilight pulled out a file labeled ‘Changelings’, before magicking a table into existence then putting said documents on said table.
“So?” Chrysalis asked the drone.
“Looks all fine in the major sections,” the changeling put on his glasses. “However, there is a certain clause you need to take a look at. Princess Nightmare Moon is not liable for any physical damage to any creature or pony on the moon, nor is suffocation liable for suing.”
“I still haven’t ironed the kinks out of the oxygen domes yet,” Twilight sheepishly explained. “But they work 98.6% of the time, I promise! Only two ponies have suffocated so far!”
“And how many non-ponies?”
“...sixteen.”
“We have to be sure it’s safe,” Chrysalis said after a moment of thought. “If you’re offering the changelings a holiday luxury home on the moon in exchange for ‘services provided’, we need to know this can be delivered.”
Cadence glowered. “Why do they get a luxury home? I didn’t get one in exchange for my crown and cooperation.”
“That’s because you already share mine,” Celestia mumbled through a mouthful of moon pie.
“...oh, right.”
“We also will give the changelings a 9% tax rebate on all purchases pertaining to love,” Nightmare Moon offered.
“Take it, your Majesty,” the changeling lawyer urged. “Those quarterly tax estimates always do my head in! Nine percent is going to change everything!”
“That’s well and peachy,” Chrysalis raised an eyebrow. “But what about ponies that I have replaced with changelings? What about them?”
“Hm,” Nightmare Moon flipped the pages and pointed. “Clause Nine. All disguised changelings are to remove their disguises, otherwise, they will be liable to being thrown in prison or getting their moon pie privilege revoked.”
“NOT THE MOON PIES!” a pony in the room suddenly revealed herself to be a changeling, before buzzing away immediately.
“Ignore my subjects,” Chrysalis grumbled. “I’m not sure what their obsession with moon pies is about.”
“So,” the changeling lawyer flipped more pages. “Clause Seventeen - all corporate taxes will be leveled under ‘the notion of taking over Equestria’. What does that mean?”
“Oh, it’s nothing,” Nightmare Moon dismissed. “It’s just that all of my sponsors have certain demands. And since if you label income under ‘evil means’, you don’t get taxed for that.”
“Hm,” Chrysalis shrugged. “Sounds good to me.”
“How did I not know that?” Discord protested.
“Don’t care plus ratio,” Celestia grinned. “Is that what they call it these days, Cadence?”
“Yep!” Cadence nodded.
“I guess I accept, then,” Chrysalis muttered as she signed on the document. Nightmare Moon signed on another, before shaking hooves with Chrysalis.
“Thank you for coming on board with the glorious reign of Eternal Night!” Nightmare Moon grinned. “Take note, Clause Twenty-Six states that you may only retrieve love from the love sources when the moon is out! Which is only half the day, because the other half of the day I lower the moon and make it all dark for ponies to sleep.”
“Wait-”
“She just found out she signed on a time-share,” Celestia chuckled.
“Gods, I remember when I figured that out,” Discord shrugged. “I had to wrangle my manticore lawyers to get them to figure out a way for an extra hour of chaos.”
“Thank you for signing on! And we are sponsored by NordVPN, who can help keep your travel history private and hidden away from your parents! By that, we mean that if you’re a changeling who wants to get away from their duties, NordVPN is the way to go-”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I SIGNED ON A TIME-SHARE?!” Chrysalis shouted.
“AND WITH NORDVPN,” Nightmare Moon bellowed with the Royal Canterlot Voice. “YOU CAN MAKE SURE THAT NO ONE EVER TRACKS YOUR LOCATION AND BROWSING HISTORY! USE CODE NMM FOR TWENTY PERCENT OFF! CHANGELINGS, YOU CAN NOW WATCH ALL THE CUTE CAT VIDEOS YOU EVER WANT WITHOUT CHRYSALIS HUNTING YOU DOWN-”
“I DEMAND A BUCKING REFERRAL AND EDITING OF THE CONTRACT!”
Author's Note
why have I done this
