We Wish You a Murderous Christmas
“RAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”
Rainbow Dash screams into the biting arctic winds. With a twist of dual joystick controls, she forces her burning jetpack into a barrel-roll, sending her airborne figure plunging like a murderous corkscrew towards the roof of the world. In the bleakest hours of the winter solstice, the polar ice cap resembles a necrotic sheen glistening beneath an endlessly charcoal-black sky, flickering with sporadic and haunting auroras. Somewhere—centered within the pale malaise of the frigid landscape ahead—a dark canyon resides just beyond a smattering of blood-red buildings.
That is her destination. And beyond that—Rainbow Dash's target.
“AAAAAAAGGGH!!!” Rainbow Dash yells again, foaming at the mouth. The very bellicose act itself warms her in that freezing hellscape, and she retains enough good sense to detect multiple bogeys on her tail—precisely eight, for that matter.
POW!
P-POW!
KAPOW!!!
Tufts of explosive flak burst all around Rainbow Dash, launched from behind.
Teeth clenched, she flashes a sweaty look over her shoulder.
Past the billowing flame of her jetpack, she sees flying reindeer in hot pursuit—their bodies adorned in holly and bells. Their eyes pulse red with indignant fury. Antler-mounted cannons pivot, flash, and launch more and more mortars at her position.
POW!!!!
BLAM! BLAM!!!
“Grnnnnghhh!” Rainbow Dash hisses and grunts as she twirls her jetpack'd body in wild motions, all the while careening suicidally towards her distant goal down below. “Friggin' anorexic parade moose! YOU HAVE NO GODDESS-DAMNED RIGHT TO LIVE!!!” With that insult conjured, she cuts the engines of her jetpack, twirls backwards in free-fall, and unsheathes a massive minigun from a titanium holster. “Aaaaaaa-AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!” Sailing spine-first towards sea level, she unleashes a hail of burning lead upwards at her pursuers.
RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!!!!!!
The reindeer try veering left and right, but their non-aerodynamic antlers finally betray them. One by one, Rainbow's hateful discharge makes contact, and all eight bodies explode into red mist against the emerald northern lights, looking somewhat festive... in a grotesque way.
SPLORCH!
SPLAAAT!
SPLATTERR!!!
“Fuck off, Comet!” Rainbow spits and grunts with each uptick of the Cervidae bodycount. “Fuck off, Cupid!” RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!!! “Go to Hell, Donder and Blitzen!” She finds herself shouting at a precipitous cloud of crimson nothingness. “Ehhhhhhh and the rest of you go die in a fire!” Click-Click-Click! Her minigun ineffectually belches, fresh out of ammo, so she tosses it sideways with a grunt. The wild swing of weight miraculously uprights her body, and Rainbow Dash re-ignites the fuel in her jetpack just in time to glide bare inches over the snowy floor of the North Pole.
FWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSH!!!
The red buildings—once mere specks during the inbound flight—now roar past Rainbow's periphery as scarlet blurs. Tiny green shapes jump to life atop rooftops and balconies. She has now penetrated the property of Santa's Workshop, and elven guards rush—two by two—onto guard towers and mounted turret guns.
BOOM!
KABLAAAM!
POW! POW! POW!
The dark sky turns orange from the accumulated crossfire of St. Nicholas' Jolly Defense Grid.
“Rrrrrrrrrrghhh—!” Rainbow Dash zig-zags left and right, barely dodging the incoming barrage of pyrotechnic death. “Not today, you seasonally-affected-dickheads!!!” Her twitching eyes spot a phalanx of snowmen sliding into formation down below, aiming assault rifles at her inbound figure. “Yule time dies tonight! Do you hear me?!”
With a flick of her finger to a joystick, she opens up two flanking napalm tanks built into the hull of her jetpack.
“YULE TIME DIES TONIGHT!!!”
Rainbow drops both tanks with a savage whistling noise. At the nadir of their plunge, the napalm ordinance makes contact with the snowy earth and vomits an erupting plume of deathly heat, fueled on by constantly igniting fuel.
PHWOOOOOOOOOMBBB!!!
It blankets the earth, melts the snowmen, and burns multiple workshops and warehouses in an all-consuming orgy of flame and destruction. Elves flail in agony as their flesh roasts off their bones. Rainbow Dash soars past the holocaustal display, out-zooming the wall of flame, and taking a deep plunge into the canyon situated beyond the main cluster of buildings.
Swoooooooooooooosh!
Rainbow Dash zooms down the polar ice trench. Steep glaciers loom on either side. The last surviving battalion of elves mount gun towers, firing burning chestnuts and mistletoe at her body as she threads the chasm.
POW!!!
BLAM! BLAM!
ONOMATOPOEIA!!!
“Not today, ya pinecone fuckers!” Rainbow Dash easily twirls past each individual bullet and projectile, zeroing in on a flickering source of light at the far end of the trench. “I'm doing this, alright! For everyone's good!”
With a shake of her neck, Rainbow loosens a silicon visor from her bangs. She's just about to switch on her targeting computer when—
ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!
—a burning swath of hot fuchsia streams in from behind, narrowly missing Rainbow's body and singeing the ends of her prismatic hair.
“What the fuck—?!” Seething, Rainbow Dash looks behind her. The young woman's eyes narrow as she hisses icily: “So we meet again...”
All she can discern at first is a bright red glow. Vrommmmmmmmmm!!! The nose dims slightly, and Rudolph's blood red eyes hone in on her. Sailing after the girl at an even pace down the trench, the reindeer pumps more juice into its cranium, reactivating the photonic laser banks in its nostrils. There's a frightening pulse of red a it prepares another volley.
ZAAAAAA-AAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAP!!!
The crimson laser swings and swims after Rainbow's body, carving off burning chunks from the frozen walls on either side.
“Grggghhh!” Rainbow Dash veers left, almost being sliced in half. “Hrrrrttt!” She dives low, avoiding the red beam by a hair. “Grrrrrgh—” Pissed off, Rainbow finally ascends towards the summit of the trench. But just when it looks like she's about to make a tactical retreat, she cuts the engines to her jetpack and throws her arms out in a T-Pose.
Fwoooooooosh!!!
Dragging air, Rainbow decelerates wildly.
From Rudolph's perspective, it's as though she's flying backwards towards him at the speed of hate. With a flicker to its nose, the reindeer tries to dive out of the way—
THWPPP!!! Rainbow Dash successfully mounts it. Schiiiiiing!!! She unsheathes an electro-scimitar from her bandoleer, flicks a switch, and plunges its sparking length deep into the back of Rudolph's neck.
VRO-O-O-OMMMMM!!! The dying quadruped cybernetically protests, but it's too late to fight the sheer girth of the blade. Its nose dulls to a lifeless brown as its antlers shake and its head topples and—
Splorcccccccch!
—Rudolph's decapitated figure topples towards the base of the trench in two. There's an offensive beeping sound, and then the antimatter core of its nose achieves critical mass.
KAPOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!
“Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaughhhh!!!” Rainbow Dash leaps away from the massacre at the last second. She rides the concussive wave of the antimatter explosion. Her jetpack shorts out, but she nevertheless angles its wings so as to glide the last blurring meters towards her destination—
Th-Thapppp!
Stumbling, she nevertheless sticks the landing on a broad iron platform. There—situated at the very end of the frozen trench, built into the foundation of the enormous striped North Pole—is a glimmering portal framed by ancient metal etched with unnameable pagan runes. The anomalous vortex within the circular containment is constantly swirling and undulating, and it begs madness from all who stare at it.
Rainbow Dash does not intend to be looking at it for long.
“Whelp, targeting computer's down...” She tosses away her burnt-out visor and cracks the joints in her neck as she approaches the mouth of the portal. “...guess I gotta do this shit the hard way—”
WHAM!!! A big red sack smacks her across the face.
“Ooomf!!!” Rainbow Dash stumbles to the side, collapsing on her knees.
“Ho ho ho!!!” A rotund figure in red sash and white fur descends from the heavens like Baron Vladimir Harkonnen sporting Randy Quaid's facial hair. His voice takes on a deep bass as he wiggles his nose, brandishing a mace-like sack full of toys in one hand and a sleigh whip in the other. Th-THWAP!!! “Ho... ho... hoooooo-baggggg...” His eyes glint beneath pale glowing anime glasses. “You are getting... so much coal this year...”
“Heya, Saint Prick...!” Rainbow spits blood, rubs her grinning cheek clean, and stands up. “What say you crawl down a chimney...” She cracks her knuckles ominously. “...to hell.”
“I cannot allow you to destroy this time portal, naughty child,” he hisses with a bowl full of loathing, squaring off against her atop the boss fight platform in front of the otherworldly macguffin that he's simultaneously providing exposition for. “It's the only thing that allows me to deliver presents to every household at midnight!”
“Well, it's the one thing I need to kill Christmas dead, to death, with murder,” Rainbow Dash sneers. Pbsssshhhuuuuu! She grins carniverously into the red hue of a freshly-activated laser sword brimming in her grip. “Something something Adam Driver.”
“Have it your way...” Santa Claus rolls up his sleeves to expose thicc daddy biceps. “But strike me down and I shall become far more powerful than you can possib—”
“Nah—fuck that noise.” VRM-VRM-VRM!!! Rainbow Dash Super-Star-Wars forward-flips at him, swinging the laser blade in all directions.
Gasping, and off guard, Santa goes on the defensive. He spins about, swinging the toy sack and whip like nunchaku, deflecting each and every one of Rainbow's attacks. Sparks fly before the portal, showering the metal platform below with wild JJ Abrams cinematography. Rainbow Dash takes opportunity of an errant lens flare to attack Santa's flank. However—instead of stabbing into Santa's skull—she uses the saber to rip a wide hole in his satchel, spilling toys all over the platform.
“Whoahhh-ho-ho-HO!!!” Santa trips over an unlucky spillage of marbles, roller skates, and pog coins. “Ooomf!” He lands on the floor, staring up at the aurora borealis loomihg high above the trench. He tries to get up—but freezes when he hears the loud rev of a portable engine.
“Hey! Fatass!” Rainbow Dash glides into view, having pulled a chainsaw with a sparkly bow from the spilled bounty of toys. “Remember what happened that one time you met Tim Allen?!?”
Blinking in horror, St Nicholas tries to place his gloved finger beside his nose—but it's far too late.
RRRRRRRRRRRRVVVV!!! SPLCHHHHHH!!!
The chainsaw carves its way miles deep into Santa's jolly belly. With impossible strength, Rainbow Dash uses it to lift the obese capitalistic icon high above her young adult frame. With an impenetrable sneer, she monologues up into the crimson deluge of his jolly juices.
“Sorry, Crap Cringle, ol' pal. But you're merely a symptom...” She grits her teeth as the rotating chainblades finally carve their way through his twitching spine. “And what I'm after... is the cause.”
With a wet SNAP the Spirit of Christmas snaps in two. Bathed in holy blood, Rainbow Dash cuts the engine of the chainsaw, smooths her bangs back, drags her hands down her lithe body, and exhales slowly with brief and lustful satisfaction.
“Whelp...” Soaked from head to toe in red, she sashays her way towards the mouth of the portal. “...time to rein in the New Year.”
And with a penultimate spring, she launches herself through the epicenter of the swirling anomaly.
Zoop!
On a cold winter's night that was so deep...
A lone star twinkles high in the sky.
But there—far below—in Bethlehem...
...in a lone stable, situated far away from homes filled with sleeping patrons who have arrived from all across Judea...
A loyal husband erects a manger, laying out straw and blankets. Lying prone in the hay behind him is a heavily-pregnant woman, sweating and huffing on the verge of labor.
Suddenly, a swath of excited shepherds arrive, wide-eyed and entranced. Then three multi-ethnic strangers from far away lands approach the scene, clad in regal adornments and bearing gold, frankincense, and myrrh.
Both surprised and confused, the young couple nevertheless warmly greets the arrival of these strangers to this miraculous occasion—
FLASSSSSH!!!
A portal belches open and shut—like a translucent anus—and Rainbow Dash leaps out. No sooner has she made contact with the soil when—
“FULL COWLING, BITCHES!!!” She picks up the manger and swings it like a club, knocking out the three magi, one by one. “Fuck you, Europe!” WHAM! “Fuck you, Africa!” WHACK! “And FFFFF-FUCKKKKKK YOU, Asia!!!” SMACK!!!
As the wise men collapse—unconscious—on the ground, the shepherds gawk in disbelief.
Rainbow tosses aside the now-shattered manger and raises her hands, hissing at the peasants like a cat in heat. “F'NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Shrieking, the shepherds flee the scene, galloping back towards the hills.
The husband frowns in consternation at the interruption. He marches straight for Rainbow Dash, shouting angrily in ancient Aramaic.
“Oh fuck off, Joseph!” Rainbow Dash effortlessly backhands him, tossing his body limply into the nearby hay. “Nobody likes you!”
The pregnant woman yelps and writhes in distress, too far into her labor to move from her position.
“Listen up, Mary!” Rainbow Dash marches towards the expectant-mother-to-be. “Don't you do it!” She points an accusatory finger. “Don't you friggin' give birth, ya hear me?!?” She forms her hands into fists as she gnashes her teeth. “If you wanna receive a revelation inside a cave or achieve enlightenment under a fig tree—that's totally cool. But don't you fucking dare give birth to a messianic embodiment of divine sacrifice or I swear I'm gonna—”
Right then and there, the woman's eyes flash wide. She arches back in intense pain.
“Uh uh! NO!” Rainbow Dash stomps her foot. “Dammit, you stupid virginal Nazarene harpy! Stop giving birth to the baby Jesus right now! I mean it, Missy!”
But the fates are not listening to Rainbow Dash at the moment. And—splorrrrrchhhh!—grotesque spider limbs made from roman crucifixes protrude from every orifice of the pregnant woman's writhing body. Her torso lifts towards the ceiling of the stable as her engorged belly splits open from a magically-induced C-section. Within seconds, the giant mewling head of a lamb emerges in the light of the Star of Bethlehem, crowned with thorns and vomiting palm branches to the ghostly chorus of “Hosanna in the Highest.”
Rainbow Dash blinks, staring up at this ridiculous Silent Hill boss monster. “Huh. I don't remember this from Sunday School. Ah well. I blame Emperor Constantine.”
Fwoombbb!
Flames lick the air as Rainbow Dash primes a flame-thrower pilfered from Santa's Sack two thousand and twenty-one years in the future.
“You shoulda just stopped at the Torah, Big Guy!” she snarls, aiming the sacred flame at the half-born Son of God. “I'm gonna get Zoroastrian on your ass!!!”
“01000010 01010101 01011001 00101110 00100000 01000011 01001111 01001110 01010011 01010101 01001101 01000101 00101110 00100000 00100000 01000011 01001111 01001110 01000110 01001111 01010010 01001101 00101110!!!” the lamb's head bellows towards the heavens, dripping with blood and amniotic fluid.
“BURN, BABY JESUS, BURN!!!” And Rainbow Dash unleashes the full might of her burning anger and fury.
PHWOOOOOOOOOMBBB!!!
The lamb writhes and melts atop its lofty, virginal pyre.
Rainbow Dash cackles madly with euphoria: “HAAAAAA HAA HAA HAA HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA.—”
