Rainbow Dash Murders Christmas

On a cold winter's night that was so deep...

A lone star twinkles high in the sky.

But there—far below—in Bethlehem...

...in a lone stable, situated far away from homes filled with sleeping patrons who have arrived from all across Judea...

A loyal husband erects a manger, laying out straw and blankets. Lying prone in the hay behind him is a heavily-pregnant woman, sweating and huffing on the verge of labor.

Suddenly, a swath of excited shepherds arrive, wide-eyed and entranced. Then three multi-ethnic strangers from far away lands approach the scene, clad in regal adornments and bearing gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

Both surprised and confused, the young couple nevertheless warmly greets the arrival of these strangers to this miraculous occasion—

FLASSSSSH!!!

A portal belches open and shut—like a translucent anus—and Rainbow Dash leaps out. No sooner has she made contact with the soil when—

“FULL COWLING, BITCHES!!!” She picks up the manger and swings it like a club, knocking out the three magi, one by one. “Fuck you, Europe!” WHAM! “Fuck you, Africa!” WHACK! “And FFFFF-FUCKKKKKK YOU, Asia!!!” SMACK!!!

As the wise men collapse—unconscious—on the ground, the shepherds gawk in disbelief.

Rainbow tosses aside the now-shattered manger and raises her hands, hissing at the peasants like a cat in heat. “F'NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

Shrieking, the shepherds flee the scene, galloping back towards the hills.

The husband frowns in consternation at the interruption. He marches straight for Rainbow Dash, shouting angrily in ancient Aramaic.

“Oh fuck off, Joseph!” Rainbow Dash effortlessly backhands him, tossing his body limply into the nearby hay. “Nobody likes you!”

The pregnant woman yelps and writhes in distress, too far into her labor to move from her position.

“Listen up, Mary!” Rainbow Dash marches towards the expectant-mother-to-be. “Don't you do it!” She points an accusatory finger. “Don't you friggin' give birth, ya hear me?!?” She forms her hands into fists as she gnashes her teeth. “If you wanna receive a revelation inside a cave or achieve enlightenment under a fig tree—that's totally cool. But don't you fucking dare give birth to a messianic embodiment of divine sacrifice or I swear I'm gonna—”

Right then and there, the woman's eyes flash wide. She arches back in intense pain.

“Uh uh! NO!” Rainbow Dash stomps her foot. “Dammit, you stupid virginal Nazarene harpy! Stop giving birth to the baby Jesus right now! I mean it, Missy!”

But the fates are not listening to Rainbow Dash at the moment. And—splorrrrrchhhh!—grotesque spider limbs made from roman crucifixes protrude from every orifice of the pregnant woman's writhing body. Her torso lifts towards the ceiling of the stable as her engorged belly splits open from a magically-induced C-section. Within seconds, the giant mewling head of a lamb emerges in the light of the Star of Bethlehem, crowned with thorns and vomiting palm branches to the ghostly chorus of “Hosanna in the Highest.”

Rainbow Dash blinks, staring up at this ridiculous Silent Hill boss monster. “Huh. I don't remember this from Sunday School. Ah well. I blame Emperor Constantine.”

Fwoombbb!

Flames lick the air as Rainbow Dash primes a flame-thrower pilfered from Santa's Sack two thousand and twenty-one years in the future.

“You shoulda just stopped at the Torah, Big Guy!” she snarls, aiming the sacred flame at the half-born Son of God. “I'm gonna get Zoroastrian on your ass!!!”

“01000010 01010101 01011001 00101110 00100000 01000011 01001111 01001110 01010011 01010101 01001101 01000101 00101110 00100000 00100000 01000011 01001111 01001110 01000110 01001111 01010010 01001101 00101110!!!” the lamb's head bellows towards the heavens, dripping with blood and amniotic fluid.

“BURN, BABY JESUS, BURN!!!” And Rainbow Dash unleashes the full might of her burning anger and fury.

PHWOOOOOOOOOMBBB!!!

The lamb writhes and melts atop its lofty, virginal pyre.

Rainbow Dash cackles madly with euphoria: “HAAAAAA HAA HAA HAA HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA.—”