Cozy Glow's Horrible Holiday.

by Hotel_Chicken

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Tirek, Comedy, Cozy Glow, Starlight Glimmer, Random
Length: 2082

Tartarus is a place of unnatural torture. A place of pain that only becomes worse when the holidays come around.

A cultist, a psycho, and a centaur all celebrate Hearth's Warming in Hell. There'll be singing, screaming, and some questionable horse words to celebrate the most horrible time of the year.

Written for TheDriderPony for Jinglemas 2021.

Published 2021-12-26 02:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2021-12-26 02:40:02 UTC

It's The Most Horrible Time of The Year.

Twilight trusted all of her friends to some varying degree. She’d always trust Applejack’s honesty over Rainbows, but she would trust Rainbow Dash with her life before anypony else.

She could always rely on Rarity to make an oddly compelling checklist, but would always trust Pinkie Pie’s instincts and tuitions in a pinch.

And Fluttershy… Well, she probably trusted her more than Celestia if she was being honest. And, even though there were times her trust was truly tested, she could always trust her friends.

Buuuuut…..

“Are you sure you’ll be fine, Starlight?”

Starlight was the one exception.

Twilight’s pink protege rolled her eyes as the two trotted through the snowy forest.

“For the last time, yes,” she hissed. “I’ll be fine. Trust me on this one.”

“I do trust you, Starlight, but… Reforming Cozy Glow? The best therapists in Canterlot could’t do it. I couldn’t do it. Even Luna couldn’t do it! Cozy gave her nightmares, you know! She gave the princess of dreams nightmares,” she emphasized, earning a scoff from Starlight.

“Well, not to brag or anything, but they weren’t me. I convinced an entire town to give up their cutie marks, for Celestia’s sake. I’m pretty sure I can make a filly play nice.”

“… I don’t think you should brag about your cult, Starlight.”

“It wasn’t a cult! It was a community of like-minded ponies who condemned cutie marks! It's—”

“‘Not a cult unless you praise something,’ I know! You still shouldn’t brag about it.”

Starlight shrugged. “Fine. I’ll just brag about reforming Cozy Glow. Who knows, maybe I’ll even reform Tirek while I’m at it.”

“Well… Good luck then,” Twilight said as the two stood at the gates of Tartarus. “And… Just promise you—”

“‘Won’t use magic to mind control her.’ Trust me, I won’t. I’m just going to sit with her for a while, that’s it! I promise, I absolutely will not use any magic to brainwash her, hypnotize her, or change her. I’ll probably just use a spell or two for her Hearth's Warming present and that’s it! I promise, under no circumstances, will I place a single spell on her or Tirek. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye,” Starlight swore, mimicking the motions of Pinkie’s promise as she sat down. “Trust me, Twilight. I know what I’m doing. Have a little faith, alright?”

“… Alright. I trust you, Starlight. Just be safe in there, and teleport to me if there’s a problem,” Twilight said, wrapping a hoof around her student before the two parted ways.

Heaving one final breath, Twilight trotted back to town as she watched the gates of Tartarus slowly close behind her student.

Letting go of her last hint of hesitance, Twilight resolved to trust Starlight and give her full support. She was a friend, after all, and Twilight trusted her friends.

… She also trusted Pinkie Pie to kill Starlight if she broke her Pinkie Promise.

Calling Tartarus depressing would be an understatement.

It was Tartarus after all.

But it was also a lot more boring than Starlight expected.

There weren’t any screams pits of decaying corpses, ravenous demons, torture devices, weapons, heck, there wasn’t even a shackled skeleton.

It wasn’t anything like the Father Bad Touch said it would be. Then again Starlight’s dad always told her not to trust him, so maybe he was just a liar.

Still, even if it looked boring, she could tell how unique it was in design. It was all sinisterly simple.

No sun or moon, so no way to keep track of time. No dream realm, so anypony sleeping inside wouldn’t have nightmares or even dreams. And then there was Cozy’s cage.

It was too small for a pegasus, let alone a pegasus filly. There wasn’t any room for her to fly, and there wasn’t a hint of sky anywhere for her to gaze up at. No clouds, weather, birds, wind. Always bound to the earth without a chance to even glide. It would make any pegasus go stir crazy within a week.

It almost made her feel sorry for Cozy.

Almost, being the keyword. Papa didn’t raise her to forgive and forget, after all.

Still, the little filly had probably suffered a lot in Tartarus, and it was Starlight’s job to teach her a better way.

The two would-be tyrants glared at Starlight as she ascended the stairs. Starlight stood on the dimly lit platform that held Cozy Glow and Tirek, wearing a calm smile as Cozy Glow greeted her.

"Well, well, well, look at what Ceberus dragged in. Fancy seeing you here, Glimmer.“

“Nice to see you too, Cozy. How have you been?”

“Oh, you know. Plotting revenge, counting rocks, the usual. Are you still working at that lame school?”

“Actually, no. Trixie’s the new counselor, and—“

“Ha! You got fired!? From a school for friendship? Wow, I knew you sucked at your job, but that’s amazing!” Cozy cackled.

“I wasn’t fired! I just wanted to try new things. I’m working as a librarian now that Twilight’s too busy.”

“So, you’re picking up the princess’ scraps now?” Tirek asked, glancing over Starlight to stare at her horn. “I can’t believe a powerful mare like yourself would waste her time sorting books.”

“It’s a nice change of pace. Plus, I actually get more time off now, so I had time to actually start a book club.”

“Oooooh. How fun,” Cozy sarcastically cheered.

“Hey, it’s a lot more fun than being locked up down here all day.”

“As if being a pet is any better,” Tirek sneered. “Cozy told me quite a bit about you, Mrs. Glimmer. I don’t… compliment ponies often, but you’re a truly talented mare. I’m sure we could all help each other. If you were willing to lend a hoof, at least.”

“Do I look that gullible?”

“Didn’t Cozy Glow trap you with cookies?” he retorted.

“They were double chocolate stuffed!” She defender. “At least I thought they were. Pinkie Pie would be ashamed of you, Cozy.”

The psychotic filly only shrugged. “Meh. Name a pony who isn’t.”

“Well I’m not. I’ll admit, I don’t like you, Cozy, but I think there’s actually hope for you. And maybe you too, Tirek.”

“Ha! And what are you going to do? Teach us the ‘wonders of friendship’?”

“Well, I was thinking we could do something special for the holidays, and I got Cozy Glow a present,” Starlight explained as she summoned a phonograph and placed it outside of their cages. “Happy holidays, Cozy.”

Letting the needle drop onto the record, Starlight sat down as the phonograph began to play a familiar tune.

“Caaaaaaaalentamiento de hogares! Calentamiento de hogares! Calentamiento de hogares! That’s Spanish for a Hearth’s Warming! Now you know.~”

“… What is this?”

“It’s a Hearth’s Warming song,” Starlight said, summoning a fresh cup of coco as the song continued to play.

“Calentamiento de hogares! Calentamiento de hogares!~”

“And you think this will actually help you?” Tirek asked, raising a curious eye brow at the phonograph.

“Calentamiento de hogares! That’s Spanish for a Hearth’s Warming! Now you know.~”

“Mmmm. Maybe. Maybe not. Honestly, I’m just here to watch the show,” Starlight said with a smile, lighting her horn to summon a chair as well.

“I wanna teach you a celebration! I wanna teach you with Spanish diction! I wanna teach you a celebration that’ll stick inside your heeeead!~”

“What show?”

“Oh, you’ll see,” Starlight quipped, sipping her coco as the next verse played.

“Calentamiento de hogares! Calentamiento de hogares! Calentamiento de hogares! That’s Spanish for a Hearth’s Warming! Now you know.~”

Cozy hated to admit it, but she actually liked the music Starlight was playing.

“You’re a monster, Chrysalis. You’re a really rotten deal.~”

Cozy’s mane gently bobbed to the song as the old stallion sung.

“You played with that colt’s heart and now you’ve turned him into a meal. ~”

All in all, it wasn’t so bad.

“Your heart is darker than the night and you stir up quite the fright, Chryssalllliis!”

A little repetitive, sure. But hey, it wasn’t bad.

“You’re ugly, nobody loves you, and your crooked crown’s made up of lies. So do us all a favor. And. Just. Dies!”

… Lyrics could use some work. Still, not unbearable.

“You’re a monster, Chrysalis. You’re a really rotten deal.~”

Life was pain.

“Giddy-up little horse, clop with your hooves. Cloppin’ around the Cloooock.~”

It was fine though. Cozy wasn’t letting the music get to her. It was only thirty minutes, after all.

“Mix and a-mingle with the jinglin' moves~. That's the Hearth’s Warmin’, nice and comfy warmin’, that’s the Hearth’s Warmin’ roooock!”

It couldn’t get worse.

“Human it’s cold outside.~”

How many hours had it been?

“Celestia, get outta my way.!”

Maybe an hour?

“But Nonny it’s cold outside.~”

It was fine, though. Just one more song. It was just… FiNe!

“This evening has been.~”

She was strong!

“Human it’s cold outside.~”

She was Cozy Glow, Damnit!

“So very odd.~ Just sit right there, and let me lick on your rod.~”

Tirek wouldn’t give in, and neither would she!

“Jingle bells, Twilight smells, and she hatched an egg… A little shit came out of it and bugs her every day… Hey. Jingle bells… Twilight smells… and she hatched an egg. A lihle hih cane hou o hi, an nah ha herhe nay. Hy~” Tirek sung, swaying back and forth as his twisted tune turned into a messy mumble.

“… Buck me,” Cozy whimpered.

“Deck the halls with bales of hay, Fa-la-la, fa-la-la.~”

Cozy Glow wasn’t losing yet.

“’Tis the day to scream hooray. Fa-la-la-La-la-la-la.~”

She definitely wouldn’t be worn down by some stupid holiday songs! They’d have to end sooner or later. They’d probably end right after Hearth's Warming. She could play the waiting game. She was a master at games.

Even if nopony ever let her play their reindeer games.

One foggy Hearth Warming she’d meet that Santa Horns and tell him where to shove his reindeer games! With his stupid muzzle turning red from blood, or… Something.

“Hearth's Warming’s around the corner.~”

It had to end some time. Hearth's Warming was right around the corner, after all.

“Fa-la-la-La-la-la-la.~”

… It was over.

Silence. Blissful, soothing silence. At least until the next song would play. Cozy only had a few precious seconds of peace before the next song slowly started to play.

“It’s the most Fun-derful tiiiiiime of the year. There’ll be horns that are glowing and clouds will be snowing as pegasi cheer.~”

“Starlight… We can talk you know,” Cozy Glow weakly cried out. “I mean, maybe you were right! You’re clearly a better teacher than Tirek!”

“Jingle bells, Twilight smells.”

“Shut up, you giant jerk! I’m talking to Starlight!” Cozy yelled.

“A little shit came out of it and nags her everyday…”

“And a Happy Hearth's Warming to you too, jerk!”

“Cozy, calling Tirek a jerk isn’t nice,” Starlight lightly admonished, sipping her coco as Cozy’s head snapped towards the mare.

“You!… Are absolutely right!” Cozy eagerly agreed. “I’m so sorry, Mrs. Glimmer, honest! Golly gee, I think this is great!”

“I’m not gullible, Cozy.”

“You’re a bucking failure of a mare and I hope you get worms!” Cozy Glow suddenly yelled, earring a giggle from Starlight.

“Aw, somepony sounds grumpy. Why don’t we,” she trailed off as her horn suddenly began to glow brighter. “Awww. Looks like time’s up. Twilight’s calling me back to the castle. Sorry, Cozy. We’ll have to cut today’s time short.

“Finally! Now get out of here already! And take your stupid record player with you!”

“Oh, no, I can’t do that. Why would I take away your gift, after all?” Starlight asked with a sweet smile. “In fact, here’s your other gift. It’s a record that never. ends,” she smiled, summoning a ew record to replace the other.

“No… You wouldn’t!”

“Goodbye Cozy Glow. See you next time!” Starlight waved, letting the needle fall once more on the new record.

“We can talk this out!”

The notes began to play.

“I’m sorry! Let’s talk! Please! I’ll be a good filly this year, I promise!”

“Tis the day to scream hooray~”

“Fuuuuuuuuuu-”

“—La-a-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. Hearth's Warming’s around the corner~. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,” Starlight sung with holiday cheer, prancing through the gates of Tartarus as the music inside faded away.

“Deck the halls with bales of haaay, Fa-La-a-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-laaaaaaaa~”