Slip a sable under the tree
Author's Note
I was a bit bummed I didn't get around to signing up to Jinglemas this year, and when I saw all the festive stories hitting the box it got me in the mood to write this silly little thing.
Happy Christmas everyone! I am a little bit drunk as a I write (and edit) this early on Christmas morning, so I hope it isn't too terrible. I hope your year wasn't too bad, and I hope 2022 is even better!
Happy Hearth's Warming 
Slip a sable under the tree
“Wait, so he just breaks into houses… and nopony minds?”
Anon sighed. “No Rainbow, he doesn’t break into houses. He magics into them! I thought ponies, at least, would appreciate that.”
“Anon,” said Twilight, “using magic to gain entry to property is still considered burglary. If anything, it’s considered worse! A lot of rich houses in places like Canterlot have wards to protect against things like this.”
“No, no. You’re all misunderstanding! You’re making it sound a lot more ominous than it actually is.”
“I dunno, sugarcube,” said Applejack. “Even with it bein’ Hearth’s Warming an’ all, if I heard somepony sneakin’ into Applebloom’s room, I would probably be justified usin’ deadly force to defend our property. Even if he were just there to give presents or whatever.”
Anon sighed. These ponies really didn’t seem to get the magic of Christmas. Sure, they had Hearth’s Warming - some frou frou holiday about the magic of friendship or somesuch - but they didn’t seem to understand the sheer glee of waking up on Christmas morning and seeing that Santa had brought you some chocolate or toys or money during the night.
“Look, he’s not a home invader in a serial killer kind of way,” he said. “More of a Robin Hood kind of way - he’s a benevolent burglar.” The ponies all still looked a bit lost, so he shrugged dismissively. “Don’t you guys have some spirit of Hearth’s Warming or something?”
“Not one that breaks into our houses, dude” said Rainbow. “The closest thing we have is Pinkie, and she usually has a key. We just try not to think too hard about where she gets them.”
“Wait, what?” Anon said. Pinkie chuckled slightly menacingly, but he shrugged it off. “Well, maybe this is just another human thing you’re never gonna get.”
Ever since Anon had landed in Equestria some indeterminate length of time ago, there had been numerous misunderstandings between him and the ponies. First, they had failed to get all his hilarious pop culture references (apparently Rick and Morty doesn’t broadcast in Equestria - who knew?), then there had been awkward questions over meat consumption. Apparently they did not appreciate him trying to eat those cows, no matter how many times he had tried to explain he didn’t realise they were sapient.
He had reluctantly accepted the idea of a meat-free Christmas (sorry - Hearth’s Warming), settling in to the idea of eating nothing but fruit, cake and potato chips. Luckily alcohol, he discovered, is mostly vegan.
The idea of a Christmas without Santa, however, was pretty unappealing.
“But who’s going to bring me presents on Christmas Morning?” he whined.
Twilight scrunched up her muzzle and frowned. “Well, opening presents is a pretty common Hearth’s Warming tradition,” she said, “but they’re typically given by friends and family, not a supernatural home invader.”
“Don’t worry, dude,” said Rainbow. “Even though you’re new to Equestria and stuff, we would never leave a friend hanging! We’ve all got you enough gifts for your first Hearth’s Warming in Equestria!”
“That’s right!” said Rarity, with a slight smugness. Anon vaguely remembered that she was the Element of Generosity. “Even though we didn’t have to invade your home to do it, we made sure you had fruits, nuts, hoofmade gifts-”
“Fruits, nuts, what?” he said, looking at her like she’d grown a second head. “I don’t want that shit. I want an Xbox. Don’t you ponies know what a real present is?”
They all looked at him, shocked. “Now Anon,” Twilight began.
“Don’t ‘now Anon’ me,” he said, petulantly. “If you ponies are going to try and rope me into your lame-ass Christmas, with fruit and whatever, I’d rather just go home.”
The six mares just watched as he huffed and stomped off into the snow, carving a path through the white blanket that had gently fallen over Ponyville.
“He's kind of a dick,” Fluttershy said after a minute or two.
‘Twas the night before Christmas - sorry, before Hearth’s Warming - and all through the house, not a creature was stirring… except Anon.
He couldn’t wait.
No matter how crummy it sounded - with fruits and vegetables and whatever else Rarity had threatened - Christmas was Christmas. A time for relaxation, joy, and maybe getting slightly drunk. Anon had two or three bottles of crystal wine saved up for that very purpose.
As he lay in bed, enjoying the warmth of his sheets compared to the seasonal chill in the air, he thought back to how he had treated his friends that day. Had he been a bit harsh on them? He knew they meant well, after all…
He considered for a moment, deep in thought. Luckily, just before he was forced to grapple with some possible character development, a sudden crack from downstairs woke him up. What was that?
A burglar!
Anon’s abdominal muscles clenched in fear as a wave of anxiety shot through him like an electric shock. A burglar - here in his house! He didn’t think these things happened in Equestria.
He stopped and listened out for any more noise. When nothing further happened for a few more seconds, he started to relax - maybe it had just been his imagination. He slowly listened to his racing heart beat for a few more seconds… yeah, there was nothing there.
CRASH
Anon nearly shit himself. Something was down there!
Trembling, he reached for the baseball bat next to his bed. He had bought this to help convince a certain cyan pegasus that he was totally already into sports and didn’t need her help to ‘lose weight’. Too bad he didn’t really know how to use it.
Struggling slightly with its weight, he stepped slowly down the stairs. The ground floor of his house was cloaked in darkness. He could see precisely nothing - but he could hear gentle hoofsteps scuffling against his polished floor, moving his prized possessions about. Well, that wouldn’t do. He had everything at the perfect level of mess that he enjoyed.
Taking a few tentative steps more into the darkness, he lifted the bat up above his head. His plan was very brave - he was going to strike whoever was in his house in the back of the head, then run outside and scream for the guard.
He lifted the bat up to its highest point, ready to angrily bring it down upon…
“Twilight?”
“Eep!” she squealed. Anon would not have recognised her, except that the light of her horn lit up her face. “How did you know I was here?”
“Erm…” he said. “You’re not exactly stealthy, Twilight.”
She pouted slightly. “But I was so quiet! Apart from all those things I knocked over and broke.”
Anon looked at her in disbelief. Sighing, he dropped the baseball bat on the nearby armchair. “Well, I guess I’m a light sleeper,” he offered, eventually. “What did you break anyway?”
Twilight lit up her horn and suddenly Anon could see quite a bit more of the room. He looked at a pile of shattered porcelain next to his coffee table, trying to make out what it had once been.
“Wait a second! That’s my Wonderbolts mug!” he finally realised. “I got that signed by Spitfire herself! That’s worth a hundreds bits or more!”
“Eh he he…” Twilight laughed sheepishly. “Oops?”
Anon was only a few seconds away from fury. “What are you doing here?” he demanded.
“Well, after you told us all about that Santa human, and seemed so sad about him not being here, I thought I would do you a favour - as a friend.” Her horn lit up and she started levitating gifts out of her saddlebags. “You didn’t seem too impressed by fruit and nuts, so I got you some chocolate, a jumper from Rarity, and even some alcohol!” she said as she levitated a bottle of wine out of her bag.
Anon took all the gifts in his hands and frowned. He was starting to feel a little bad about how he had treated her.
“Wow Twilight, this is actually pretty nice of you.” He looked at the bottle of wine - even in the half-light generated by the horn, he could read that it was from Coltifornia. He had no idea if that was good or not. “Thanks - I mean that,” he said, pretty genuinely. Twilight beamed at the praise.
“But wait, what about my mug? You’re going to replace that, right?” He looked at the mess on the ground again and frowned.
“Umm…” Twilight said. Anon’s glare seemed to intensify. Just as he was about to say something hurtful, he was suddenly distracted by the sound of hoofsteps from upstairs.
“Who the hell is that?” he asked, to nobody in particular.
Twilight seized upon the distraction. “Gottagobye!” she yelled, and teleported away.
Anon just stood there, holding the jumper and the wine. “Aww man, I really liked that mug.”
He tip-toed slowly back upstairs. The fear that had once gripped him now returned. Okay, Twilight had been a false alarm, but this was for sure a dangerous burglar. Ponyville was probably full of them! He wished he still had his baseball bat, but wasn’t sure where he had misplaced it in the dark.
Sweating slightly, despite the chill of a December night, he put a trembling hand onto his bedroom door handle. Hoofsteps - although no clattering and banging like before - came from inside. He took a deep breath, and twisted.
“Rainbow Dash?!”
Rainbow, to her credit, said nothing. She just stood there with a cylindrical-looking present in her mouth, eyes as small as pinpricks and ears flat against her head. Eventually, she dropped the gift in her mouth onto the bed and spoke.
“Hey dude,” she said. “What are you doing here?”
Anon gave a profoundly unimpressed look. “What do you think I’m doing here? I live here!” he said.
“Oh… erm, happy Hearth’s Warming, by the way.”
“Rainbow… what are you doing in my bedroom?”
“Oh.” She glanced awkwardly between Anon and the bed, with the present lying on it. She looked as though she was about to concoct some lie, before giving up and sighing. “Well, I heard you talking about how much you loved this ‘Santa’ pony-”
“-Human,” Anon interrupted.
“Err yeah, human. So, I thought I would be an awesome friend and give you a Hearth’s Warming gift! It would involve housebreaking, just like Santa!”
“How did you even get in?!” Anon asked.
“Pfft, you left your bathroom window open. It's like you don't even care about security!"
"What? No way you got in there - that thing doesn't even open wide enough for me to fit my head through!"
"Well, maybe you just have a big head, dude," she said. "Anyway, I'm pretty squishy. I can wriggle my way through a cat flap.”
Anon didn’t address her claim, and instead turned to the present Rainbow had dropped on his bed. “What did you get me, anyway? Fruit and nuts, like Rarity was talking about earlier?”
Rainbow chuckled. “Nah, it’s not anything boring like that. It’s a fleshlight. Figured you could use it, you always seem so pent-up and frustrated.”
Anon’s mouth hung open slightly. Before he could even formulate a response, Rainbow had taken to the air with a ‘well, bye!’ and squeezed her way out the bathroom window again. Anon blushed for a moment before grabbing her gift and throwing it under his duvet for later.
CRASH
“What is it now?!” he exclaimed. Had Rainbow come back - or Twilight?
Anon made his way back down the stairs and into his living room, before stopping suddenly. Even in the moonlight he could see the room littered with broken glass. If he went any further in just his bare feet he would probably end up like John McClane, which would be pretty unpleasant, even if a bit Christmassy.
“Oh, oops,” said Fluttershy. “Sorry!”
“Fluttershy! What the hell are you doing here?” Anon shouted. He didn’t like raising his voice at Fluttershy - she had always been so nice to him - but he was tired, and losing his patience a little with these ponies’ shenanigans.
“Sorry!” said Fluttershy, trying to hide behind her mane. “I was just trying to-”
“-To take the role of Santa and bring me presents during the night, yes,” said Anon. “Except you decided to take it a bit too far and be all housebreak-ey about it.”
“Oh,” said Fluttershy, meekly, “did somepony else have the same idea as me?”
“Only both Twilight and Rainbow!” Anon said a little angrily. “And did you bring me presents too?”
“Oh yes,” said Fluttershy. “How could I not bring presents for a good friend like you. I brought you some homemade brownies and a hoof-knitted scarf.”
Anon sighed. “Thanks Fluttershy. But that’s not really going to pay for the window you broke, is it?” He shivered a little at the cold air rushing in.
“Oh, sorry. I guess I got a little excited.” Fluttershy gave a thoughtful look. “To be honest, this reminds me a little of being a teenager back in Cloudsdale, breaking into houses. Although I promised my parents I’d stop after-”
“Yeah well,” Anon interrupted, “you really ought to- wait, what? Breaking into houses?”
Fluttershy blushed a little and hid behind her mane again. Anon was about to interrogate her further when he heard the sound of more glass breaking upstairs.
“Aww for God’s sake Rainbow, I thought you flew off. What have you broken now?” He stomped upstairs, leaving Fluttershy to let out a little sigh of relief.
Anon walked into his bedroom, looking around through the semi-darkness for a rainbow-maned menace breaking his windows and vandalising his pillows or something. He saw nothing.
“Curioser and curioser.”
The sound of hooves hitting porcelain drew his attention, and he wandered back out onto the moonlit landing. The sound was coming from his bathroom!
He grasped the handle and - counting to three - suddenly threw the door open.
He… couldn’t see anything inside.
He fumbled around for the light switch. A ‘click’ bathed the room in harsh light, and Anon was forced to squint. His sink looked okay, his toilet fine, his shower…
His shower had two ponies squished inside it. Both ponies were holding red-and-white sacks and trying their best not to be seen, which would be easier if they weren’t pressed up against the glass like ridiculous museum exhibits.
“Rarity, Applejack… what are you doing?”
“Err… hi Anon,” said Applejack. “Ah didn’t think we’d wake you up!”
“Do you need any help in there?” he asked.
Rarity flushed red. “Umm, maybe a little.”
Anon reached forward and opened the door, causing both ponies to yelp and tumble out onto the bathroom floor. Their sacks fell down in front of Anon.
“Let me guess - you were inspired by my Santa story and decided to come by and bring me some Hearth’s Warming gifts during the night?”
Applejack slowly pushed herself to her hooves. “Yeah, that’s right. How did ya know?”
Anon sighed. “Let's just say I’ve been visited by three ghosts tonight, who have forced me to re-evaluate my understanding of Christmas.” Applejack and Rarity looked at him, confused. “Oh wait, not three ghosts. I meant three annoying ponies - and you are numbers four and five.”
Rarity huffed indignantly as she got to her hooves and sat next to Applejack. “Well, I say that is no way to talk about two friends who were only trying to do you a good turn on Hearth’s Warming. We brought you gifts, did we not? Even if we bungled the silent housebreaking part.”
Anon looked down at the two bags at his feet. He did start to feel a little bad, given that Applejack and Rarity - and in fact all his friends - had gone to the effort of bringing him gifts tonight. Maybe it was just the sleep deprivation that was making him grumpy.
He picked up Applejack’s sack first. It was huge and bulging. He put a hand inside and pulled out the first present. It was almost spherical, but slightly oval in the centre. It was mostly hard, but did have a little give when he squeezed it. It also had a small stem sticking out of the top, which had somehow been perfectly wrapped up, rather than sticking through the paper.
“Applejack, is this just an apple?”
“‘Just an apple’?! Ah tell you, this is a Sweet Apple Acres apple, the sweetest apple you will taste in Ponyville - probably in all of Equestria!”
Anon ignored her and tossed the apple aside. “AJ, I already have dozens of your apples in my kitchen downstairs. You gave them to me, remember?”
He reached back into the sack and pulled out another gift. It was spheroid, had a slight give, a stem… “Applejack, is this another apple?” She stayed suspiciously silent.
Anon pulled out another gift, and then another, and then another. They were all apples.
“Do you like them, Anon?” she asked.
“Applejack, I… I…” He couldn’t even bring himself to be mean to her. “They’re great,” he said, letting out a little sigh. Applejack cheered quietly. “And what’s in your bag, Rarity?”
Rarity’s eyes seemed to light up as he fished around in the second sack, before pulling out… a soft, neatly wrapped package. Anon examined it, shook it, sniffed it, before coming to one conclusion - clothes. Back on earth, clothes would have been a pretty crummy gift, but compared to everything he had received tonight, he really could not complain.
He tore open the present like a starving man opening a bag of Doritos. A hideously gaudy shirt greeted him. It was purple, silk, and frilly in all the wrong places. But it was a hell of a lot better than two dozen apples.
“Wow, thanks Rarity,” he said, with some enthusiasm.
“Oh think nothing of it, darling,” she said. “Your clothes are in dire need of an overhaul. Then you might finally be able to get a marefriend!” She clapped her hooves and seemed very jolly, but Anon did not.
“What did you just say?”
Rarity apparently didn’t notice how angry he was, or just laughed it off. “Oh please, Anon darling. There must be a reason you are alone on Hearth’s Warming.”
That does it.
“Okay, I think it’s time for you to leave!” Anon said. “Thanks for your apples, thanks for your insults, but I would really like to be alone right now and get some sleep!” Rarity and Applejack looked a little shocked. “And that goes for any other ponies listening!” he yelled.
The two ponies yelped as Anon grabbed them by the scruffs of their necks and marched them towards the door. “Wait, wouldn’t you at least like to hear my Hearth’s Warming carol singing?” Rarity asked.
“Nope! I’ve had enough of you ponies and Hearth’s Warming to last me a lifetime.” Reaching out to grab the handle, Anon threw the door open and threw his uninvited guests outside. He shivered as the cold December air hit him, but stepped forward to make sure no ponies were trespassing on his property.
He nearly jumped out of his skin as a barrage of confetti and streamers almost blew his head off.
Pinkie Pie stood on his front porch, beaming like a mad pony. She had a whole cannon under one foreleg and a huge bag of presents under the other. She wore a red Santa hat and fake beard. Anon wondered how she even knew about that, as he was pretty sure he hadn’t mentioned Santa’s appearance to the ponies.
“Happy Hearth’s Warming!” Pinkie yelled, after her cannon quietened down. “Are you having a good day?”
“A good day?!” Anon was incredulous. “Pinkie, it’s” - Anon checked his watch - “two in the morning! What the hell is wrong with you ponies?”
“Anon,” Pinkie said scoldingly. “We only wanted to spread some Hearth’s Warming cheer.” Her five friends, in various states of annoyance, gathered behind her. “When you mentioned this Santa character, can you really blame us for getting excited? What’s more exciting than burglary, especially when it’s intended to make a friend happy!”
Anon just facepalmed. “Girls, you’re all misunderstanding here! Santa isn’t even real, he’s just a story we tell our children - I mean our foals - to get them to behave. And he’s jolly and happy - he doesn’t break windows, or get stuck in showers, or leave weird sex toys.” Rainbow snickered into her hoof. “He just leaves cool presents, like chocolate and toys and Xboxes. I mean, I appreciate your effort, but I don’t think you really get it.”
The six ponies in front of Anon looked around awkwardly, not wanting to make eye contact with him. He opened his mouth to chastise them some more, when a sudden noise from inside the house made him falter.
Ho ho ho!
“What was that? Who is it now?” The six ponies assembled in front of Anon all shrugged. “Oh god, I don’t even know who it could be if it isn’t one of you six.”
Anon ran back into his house, desperate to stop whichever crazy pony was left from destroying his stuff. He stumbled into his living room, scanning around for an open window, or a broken piece of furniture. Nothing seemed out of place. Except…
The stocking over his fireplace was suddenly bulging.
That was odd. Anon hadn’t even mentioned stockings to the ponies, and last time he had been in this room it had been completely empty. The six mares followed him inside. “Okay,” he said, “which of you filled up my stocking?”
“Your… stocking?” asked Twilight. “Why would we do that?”
“You know, it’s tradition. Santa fills up the stocking with presents.”
“Is it?” asked Rainbow. “I thought you just left that up there to dry.”
Rarity let out an amused chuckle. “Yes, I did think that was a little flashy for you to be wearing, darling.”
“That’s because it’s not for wearing!” Anon shouted. “It’s for filling with presents. Come on, which one of you did it?”
The six mares all shrugged. “Beats me,” said Applejack.
Confused, Anon stepped towards the stocking and pulled it off the wall. It was heavy. With some difficulty, he placed it on his nearby armchair. “Are you sure none of you know anything about this?” Six blank faces met him. With trepidation, he looked inside.
“Aww sweet, an Xbox!”
Ho ho ho!
MERRY CHRISTMAS
