Somepony My Speed

by Shakespearicles

Rating: teen
Tags: Discord, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Zephyr Breeze, Treehugger, Fluttershy
Length: 2689

Tree Hugger goes to Zephyr Breeze's salon to "get her mane did".

Discord does not particularly care for Fluttershy's friend, Tree Hugger. So when she comes over to have her monthly mane treatment session with her, Discord directs her to the one mane stylist that could possibly make her mane worse: Zephyr Breeze.

Written (overnight) for Freglz for Jinglemas 2021.

Audio Reading by Admiral Stoic Rum

Actually no notes on this guy! Another very good reader has been discovered and put on the list!

Oh boy. Zephyr Breeze. The worst pony, hands down. Can he hold a fic on his own? Honestly, yeah.
Shakespearicles™ plays up Zephyr's innate patheticness to the right note while also showing he has, against all odds, improved himself and is at least apparently able to survive on his lonesome. Good for Zeph, I guess.
What surprises me about this is that it isn't shipping-shipping? At least, not yet. The narrative is clearly headed in that direction, and while I wouldn't say Tree Hugger deserves this guy, she could probably fix him.
I did absolutely appreciate that she is both more down to earth in this story than her one episode, and also grows pot in her basement. Also, there was a fun gag about love spells that I very much appreciated.
In all, this is a very nice little story about two characters who you don't see used a whole lot, and it promises more in the future, by which I mean there's a sequel that I will definitely want to read at some point.
Recommended

- PresentPerfect

Published 2021-12-26 18:40:04 UTC
Last updated 2021-12-26 18:40:04 UTC

Good Vibes

"Zephyr, you really don't have to get me anything for Hearth's Warming," Fluttershy insisted from the salon chair while her brother styled her mane. "I know things have been tight for you with your new job, and holding down rent in your apartment. Though maybe you should see about getting a roommate. But we're all very proud of you."

"Yes," Discord quipped from the bench in the waiting area, "Congratulations on finally being a functional member of society. And even before you turned thirty!"

"But if there's anything you need," Fluttershy continued, "just let me know and I'll do what I can." Zephyr Breeze opened his mouth. "And before you ask, no, I'm not going to ask Rainbow Dash to go out with you." Zephyr closed his mouth. "That's something you need to do yourself. But if she's said no the last nine times, then I doubt she's going to miraculously say yes this time."

Discord snapped his fingers and a glass of ice water appeared in his hand. He extended it to Zephyr with a whisper. "For the burn."

"Discord!" Zephyr pleaded, "Couldn't you snap your fingers and make Rainbow Dash fall in love with me?"

Discord scoffed. "Pssh! Such a banal love spell? Easily! A trivial little enthrallment like that is- well, it's beneath me, quite frankly. Go ask Princess Cadance." Fluttershy cleared her throat. "Because apparently, when I do mind-control magic, it's 'evil'," he said, making air quotes, "and it violates the terms of my parole. Also, as fun as it would be to watch the ensuing chaos of the Equestrian economy collapsing from hyper-inflation, I can't give you a million bits, either."

"Speaking of bits, color is extra," Zephyr said.

"C-color?" Fluttershy wondered nervously. "Listen, I'm sure you'll find a special somepony. Somepony who... gets you."

"What's not to get?" Zephyr asked incredulously, turning in place in front of her. "I mean look at me! A mare would have to be blind to not want this!" The sheering trimmer whirred in his hoof. Fluttershy watched a concerning amount of her mane fall off.

Discord snorted, "I think that'd actually work for you."

"Remember what Mom told you?" Fluttershy asked. "When it's right, you'll know it."

Zephyr Breeze emptied an entire can of mane spray, nearly asphyxiating her. He finished trimming her bangs and set his stylist tools on the counter. He turned her chair to let her look at herself in the mirror. "Ta-da!" She had the same mane style as Zecora, with the stripes to match.

"Oh... my..."

"No need to thank me!" Zephyr said. "My art is its own reward! But the tip jar is right over there."

Fluttershy put triple his listed rate in the jar. "Make sure you eat, Zephyr. You're too skinny. Even for a pegasus. But don't go spending it all on hay burgers. Make those wheatgrass and oatmeal smoothies I showed you."

"Geez, you're worse than Mom."

Fluttershy put a couple more bits in the jar. "And make sure to at least get Mom and Dad a card for Hearth's Warming."

"Yeah, yeah, I will," Zephyr grumbled as they left.

Once Fluttershy and Discord were far enough away, she leaned over to him and whispered, "Can you please fix this?" With a snap of his fingers, her mane looked like it did before they went to the salon.

"Why do you put yourself through that?" Discord asked. "You could just give him the money."

"He needs to feel like he earned it," Fluttershy said. "Like he accomplished something. Or else he'll just give up again and move back in with me. Do you want that?"

Discord shuddered. "Your point is well seen."

"Besides, it gives me a chance to check in on him and... give him advice. Keep him on the right road."

"I suppose... so what's next?" Discord asked.

"I need to stop home for a few things, and then head back out for the rest of my Hearth's Warming shopping."

Back in Fluttershy's cottage, Discord waited impatiently for her to do things her way. She insisted on walking everywhere despite being a pegasus and his ability to teleport them instantly. She rummaged around her cottage to find her things, rather than letting him snap them all to her location, or magically fabricate duplicates of them. It confounded him how a mortal pony could fritter away her time and make it feel like his eternity was being wasted.

There came a knock at the front door. He opened it. "Oh. It's you."

Tree Hugger's eyes slowly listed upwards along the tall Draconequus. "Oh, hey bruh," she greeted. "It's you."

"What do you want?" Discord asked. "Don't you have some railroad tracks somewhere to go play on?"

The words didn't even register on her dull, smiling expression. "Wha-? Nah, I'm here to get my mane did."

Fluttershy zipped through the living room behind Discord. "Oh, Tree Hugger!"

"Wassup, Shy!" Tree greeted. "Last night was the new moon so I came to get my mane did."

"Oh my goodness, I forgot!" Fluttershy apologized. Re-doing Tree Hugger's mane style had become the basis for their monthly get-togethers. "I've just been so busy, since Hearth's Warming is tomorrow!"

The realization of the current date slowly slid across Tree Hugger's face. "Oh... righteous! No prob."

"But we will still be on for next month, right?" Fluttershy asked.

"Pshaw! Of course!"

"Thank you so much for understanding. I'll see you then!" Fluttershy rushed back into the house, leaving Discord standing there with their impromptu guest. He disliked everything about her. Oddly, even her chaotic mane found a way to offend him. He just wanted to snap his fingers and leave her bald, or turn her mane into cheese, or snakes, or...

Discord smiled. He thought of something even worse.

"Actually, Tree Hugger, I know just the place where you can get your... *ahem*, mane did."

"Welcome to the Curl Up & Dye salon," Zephyr Breeze greeted. "If you're looking for the mortuary, it's two streets over."

"Wha-? Naw. I'm here to get my mane did," Tree Hugger said. "It's all gnarly. But like the bad kinda gnarly. Where things are gnarled."

"Ah! Well then you have come to the right place!" Zephyr flourished the barber cape draped over the chair and waved her in to take a seat. "And woo-wee, girl if you don't mind me saying, it looks like your mane needs it! I have never seen such matted hair in all my days!"

"It's dreadlocks, bruh."

"Dreadlocks? You make it sound like an eldritch horror."

"Far out. But naw, it's just a mane style. It's like, real low maintenance most of the time. Ya dig? But once a month I'll have my friend Fluttershy touch 'em up."

"You know Fluttershy?" he asked.

"Oh fo sho!" she said. "We go way back, like five-ever."

"Really? Did she ever mention me? I'm her brother, Zephyr Breeze."

"Oh." Tree Hugger looked him over. "Yeah, I've heard a bunch about you. You look a lot better than the way she described. Not so... haggard. I'm Tree Hugger, by the way."

"Oh, you're Tree Hugger!" Zephyr said. "It's nice to finally put a face to the name! I've heard a lot about you, too. I think Discord hates you almost as much as he does me."

Tree Hugger shrugged as she sat in the salon chair. "It's whatev. That dude's aura is all out of alignment. His chakras are like... a mess."

"I mean, so is the rest of him," Zephyr muttered. "So what do I do with... this?" he said, holding some of her mane in his hooves.

"Wash it, duh," she told him. "But you gotta use residue-free shampoo."

"I don't know if I'll ever be able to get all this matting out," he said.

"Nah, just wash 'em like they are. And then dry them after. But they gotta be real dry or else they'll get moldy."

"Really!?"

"Yeah, fer real."

"... Alright." Zephyr turned her chair around and leaned her head back with her mane in the sink.

"So how's thing's going with Rainbow?" she asked.

Zephyr sighed. "Fluttershy told you a lot, didn't she?"

"Yeah bruh, we talk."

"Well, since you asked, not good," he admitted. "She has yet to admit her true feelings and recognize my awesomeness."

"But then what?"

"Then what, what?"

"When she admits her feeling and all that. What next?" she asked.

"Oh, it'll be a whirlwind romance! We'll lay by the fire for Hearth's Warming and have a big wedding with lots of food and wedding gifts. She's got the Wonderbolt money, you know? So she'd be able to support us. And then the honeymoon! Like, a really long honeymoon!"

"So lots of foals then?" she asked.

Zephyr shrugged. "I dunno. I mean, I guess. I was thinking more about the foal-making part. I never really seriously thought about foals."

"Well, maybe she has, and that's why. I don't think she'll be able to be a Wonderbolt and a mom at the same time. And if she became a mom, instead, you wouldn't have that Wonderbolt money anymore. You'd have to support her and your foals."

"I- I guess, yeah," Zephyr admitted.

"Dash is intense, ya know? It just sounds like you guys are going two different speeds, ya dig? You gotta find somepony more your speed. I mean, yeah, Dash is sexy and all. But you can't build a relationship outta just bump'n uglies. You gotta think about all the in-between time. When you're spending time together doing stuff you both have an interest in. That's why me and Fluttershy vibe so well. We're just mellow. She has her animals, and I have my herb garden."

Zephyr finished washing her dreads, rinsed, and then turned on the blow-dryer to thoroughly dry them all the way through. The process took a long while and it was too noisy to try to talk over. But it gave him time to think about what she said.

"Okay, they're dry, but like... really frizzy," he said.

"Wax," Tree Hugger said.

"Wax?"

"Wax!" She reached into her bag and lifted out a small tub of bees wax. "One of the fringe benefits of being friends with a pony that can talk to animals."

He held the jar in his hoof and stared at it. "Okay, so...?"

"You put a little wax in your hooves and re-roll each one until it's not frizzled. Make sure you get the roots."

One by one Zephyr re-rolled each of her dreads back and forth tightly in his hooves. Most were on the back of her head and neck, some were in front. Her eyes watched his while he focused on his work, oblivious to her gaze.

"So what are you doing tonight?" she asked.

"Well, I have some leftover macaroni, so probably that," he said. She gave him a confused look. "I mean for dinner. Why?"

"Cuz it's Hearth's Warming Eve, bruh," she said, as if she knew that all along. "Aren't you gonna hang out with your fam? Visit Fluttershy?"

Zephyr snorted. "Well, no. Not really. I didn't even get her anything this year. Plus she's living with Mr. McManyParts now. And you know what a treat he is to be around."

She giggled. "Haha, I get it. Because you're being sarcastic!"

Zephyr smirked. "Thank you. Not everyone gets my sense of humor."

"Nah bruh, you're funny as heck. Good vibes. I like that."

He blushed. "What about you? Are you visiting your family?"

She shook her head. "Nah. They're out in Fillydelphia. Plus I don't get on so well with my dad. He's got like, no chill. Know what I mean?"

"I do. So just a night in then?"

She nodded. "Mhmm. Have a couple brownies and watch the yule log movie. Classic."

He finished up her last lock. "Brownies sound a lot better than stale macaroni."

"Totes." She climbed down out of the salon chair. She gave her head a little shake to toss her dreads around. "Nice." She reached into her bits pouch and grabbed a heaping hooful, at least double what Fluttershy paid, and dumped it into his jar on the counter. "That's enough right?"

"Y-yeah!" he answered.

"Alright, cool. I'm not great with money. Bits are just things, you know?"

"Then how do you have so much of it?" he asked.

"Ponies like my herbs. Like, they really like them, you know?"

"Oh... okay."

She smiled. "Hey, you wanna come over and see my garden? I have brownies."

"Yeah, I think you mentioned that."

"Oh yeah."

Zephyr checked the clock. It was a bit early to close, but ponies weren't exactly scrambling to get their mane did by him on Hearth's Warming eve. "Yeah, I'd like that. Lemme just close up shop."

Tree Hugger opened the door to her cottage. "Here we are. Casa Hugger." The whole place was dimly lit, and the walls were covered with black-light reactive posters. There was a small couch and a coffee table. "Brownies on the table. Dig in, bruh."

Zephyr helped himself to a few. They had an odd flavor to them. But he couldn't be sure if it was because of the pervasive aroma he smelled in the house. He looked out the window into her back yard. "Where's your garden?" he asked.

"Oh, it's downstairs," she said, opening the cellar door. Her basement was the only place in the house that was well-lit. There were rows of planters and fluorescent grow lamps and an entire sprinkler system.

"Whoa, wow!" Zephyr gasped.

"Yup. These are my babies," she said with pride. "Everything runs on a timer. So I just gotta come down here every now and then and give them a trim to sell," she brandished her gardening sheers.

"I see our jobs are related by a common theme," he said. "Scissors."

She smiled. "Oh, trippy! It's like, a cosmic alignment or something."

He rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, I don't know about all that."

Back upstairs, Tree Hugger built a fire in her fireplace and lit it with a match. "This is my favorite show to watch this time of year."

Zephyr glanced into what he assumed would be a bedroom, only to find it mostly empty. "So, where do you sleep?" he asked. She pointed a a big, amorphous blob in the corner of the room. "Oh, you have one of these!" He pulled it over into the middle of the room and flopped into the bean bag.

"Yeah, it's like, totally perfect for siestas!" she said.

"You take siestas too?" he asked.

"Oh, fo sho!" She flopped onto the beanbag next to him to watch the fire. The bag shifted and they slid together in the middle.

"Oops, sorry," he apologized.

"It's cool."

"Lemme just get my hooves-" he pulled his pinned hoof out from between them and he looked at them in the firelight. "Whoa... I have hooves!"

Tree Hugger laughed. "I know right?"

Zephyr yawned. "I could actually go for a siesta right now."

"Same," Tree agreed.

"..."

"Hey Zeph?"

"Yeah?"

"You've got good vibes."

"Thanks. So do you."

"Preesh." The fireplace crackled in the quiet living room. "Hey, maybe next time I can do your mane."

"Yeah... kay."

"Hey, Zeph?

"Yeah?"

"What did you ask Sandy Claws for Hearth's Warming?"

"What?"

"You know, like for a present. What did you ask for?"

Zephyr blushed and put his hooves in his lap. "I- no, no it's dumb."

"Nu, uh, come on."

"I know Rainbow Dash doesn't like me. But I really wanted her to... I mean, I guess I just really wanted to have a marefriend this year." She looked over at him. He glanced at her and then quickly looked away in embarrassment. "I'm sorry, that was dumb. I don't know why I-"

"No, it's cool. I get it," she said. "Well, how 'bout a regular friend?" she asked, reaching over to hold his hoof with a smile. "For now, anyway?"

"Yeah... yeah, that's cool," he said.

She nodded and looked back at the fireplace. "Cool."