Twilight and Rainbow's Gay Old Time

by SparkapocalypseVanguard

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Romance, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 3096

Rainbow's granddad is coming for a visit, and Rainbow told him she's married to a stallion that looks like an original comic character she dreamed up! Hilarity ensues as these unlikely lovers must work together!

Rainbow's granddad is coming for a visit, and Rainbow told him she's married to a stallion that looks like an original comic character she dreamed up! Hilarity ensues as these unlikely lovers must work together!

A fluffy crackfic from the mind that brought you Nuts 2 (Except not really lmao I'm not that guy I'm someone else entirely, I just feel like reminding you that Nuts 2 exists)

tw: homophobic grandfather, transformation, tf, tg, genderswapping, cute tooth-rotting lesbian sweetness, subtle adult humor. Disregard downvotes from homophobic trolls

Published 2021-12-26 18:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-12-26 18:50:00 UTC

Hitchcock's Bomb Theorem

Rain fell heavily upon the town of Ponyville, gale-force winds threatened to tear everything apart, and Twilight Sparkle happily turned the page of her book as she snuggled closer to her love, pecking her cheek.

Lightning pierced the sky, thunder shook their world, and the two ponies flinched not inwards, but towards each other.

“Lovely weather we're having,” Rainbow Dash joked to her marefriend. "Why do we have to go through this every year?"

Twilight Sparkle kissed her back. “You know the rules. If Ponyville doesn't use up all our spare weather clouds by the end of the year, we'll get fewer clouds next year.” More lightning bolts lit up the sky outside than you'd expect to see rockets in a Fireworks display, playing a percussive drum solo on their eardrums.

“It sucks!” Rainbow Dash yelled. “Can't you cast a silencing spell or something?”

“I thought you'd never ask,” Twilight smiled, her horn aglow as she threw a magical ball of pinkish-purple light up into the air to spread around them, silencing everything except themselves.

“Now, as long as I can maintain my concentration, this spell will stay up,” Twilight beamed proudly.

Rainbow Dash kissed Twilight, who melted into the kiss like butter into the battle scars of a formerly non-stick frying pan. The shield spell, forgotten, broke apart.

When RD pulled back for air, Twilight tried the spell again, only for a march of kisses across her neck to throw her concentration off again.

“C-can't you stop for ten seconds?” Twilight giggled as she snuggled snugly into her lover's bed.

“Nine seconds is my absolute limit!” Rainbow referenced hilariously.

“Is that a Jojo's reference?” Pinkie Pie asked happily, popping up from nowhere between them, causing the two lovers to scream and back away, falling off their bed.

“Pinkie, what are you doing here?” Twilight held up some papers. “You're not in this episode!”

“Whoopsie!” Pinkie smiled, suddenly on a pink motorcycle (Available in all kid's toy stores now!) as she drove through their bedroom window and flew away, leaving flaming pink trails behind in the sky.

“One of these days,” Twilight sighed, “We have got to tell everypony about this.”

“About what?” RD asked nervously.

“About... us.”

“Oh. B-but what if they don't understand?”

Twilight hugged Rainbow close. “Dashie, it's us. All our friends love us and support us. I'm sure if you told them the truth, they'd understand.”

“But loyalty is my thing! I don't want to steal Applejack's thing!

"That's such a silly thing to say, and we never talk like that," Twilight chuckled as she hugged RD closer, unyielding yet soft, until she felt that gorgeously tense athletic build relax. Words weren't needed for her heartbeat to reach her love. When she felt her love's wings reach out and wrap around the Unicorn, she knew she had calmed down. “It's alright, Rainbow. You don't have to make excuses for who you are. You're with friends. You're safe now.”

“Are you sure?”

“I know so. And I know all your friends would support this... support us. Well, the ones I like, anyway. Applejack's suspected you were gay since you met her."

"Hey! I'm not gay! Okay, I sorta am, but... It's more like I was just waiting for the perfect person to come along, not really interested in any mare or stallion until I finally found perfection in pony form. I don't hate that you're a mare, so I guess that makes me gay, but... I think I'd still love you, and only you, if you were a stallion too."

"That's nice, Dashie. Now watch this. And cover your ears.

Confused, Rainbow did as her loving mistress told her. While Rainbow Dash was the slightly larger one of the pair, athletic and sleek with toned iron thighs, especially when compared to the slightly pudgy Twilight and her deliciously bulging thighs, it only took one touch or even one look for the smoll Twilight to turn the toll Rainbow into the smoll one. She was a rebel in the streets, and a mewling kitten in the sheets, a kitten who loved her mommy mistress very much.

"HEY, SPIKE!" Twilight yelled.

“No, don't!” Rainbow frantically begged.

“WHAAAT?!” Spike yelled back from what Twilight recognized as their downstairs toilet, her elegant horse ears eloquently interpreting the precise echolocational echo locations.

“RAINBOW DASH AND I ARE IN LOVE!” Twilight yelled.

Rainbow tensed up as though she expected to have her heart broken any second by an exclamation of disgust or a roaring round of laughter...

Spike was quiet for a moment...

An agonizing moment...

“YES!” He roared. “That's two less love rivals in the way of me and Rarity!”

Rainbow and Twilight blinked. “Are you joking?” They asked.

“No!” Spike yelled back. “Some day, she WILL be mine! By the way, I'm using the last roll of paper, so can you get more soon? AND DON'T GET THE CHEAP STUFF THAT DISINTEGRATES THE SECOND IT TOUCHES MY SCALES! Please? Otherwise I have to fold it OVER AND OVER every time I use it and that uses it all up super fast and then we're right back where we started!”

“Charming,” Twilight rolled her eyes.

Rainbow Dash seemed nervous about something as she snuggled up closer to Twilight. “Um... Can I tell you something sorta... embarassing?”

Twilight brushed a strand of rainbow iridescence from her lover's cerise-cherry eyes. “You can tell me anything,”

“You know how you haven't met my grandparents yet?”

“You have grandparents?” Twilight was surprised.

Rainbow quirked an eyebrow.

“Given how your parents were so... enthusiastic?" Twilight checked the word.

"Obsessive, embarassing, concerning, borderline psychotic?"

"You DID read that dictionary I got you last birthday!" Twilight hugged her tight and wormed her own wings under Rainbow Dash's in a way that sent shivers down her spine and made her tail wag.

"More," Rainbow whispered.

"Maybe later," Twilight backed off, "What you were talking about sounds like a problem we might have to deal with soon."

"I forgot the storm was scheduled today and invited him over to meet you."

"That's nice, dear."

"That's not nice!" Rainbow started panicking, zipping around the room. "My grandfather is... Well... What do you think my grandfather is?"

"Well, since your parents were so... Enthusiastic? Yeah, enthusiastic. Your parents were so enthusiastic about your career, I kind of assumed any grandparents of yours still alive would be the same.”

“I wish! My grandfather thinks flying's a waste of time. He doesn't think it will put money on the table like being a vice-assistant manager at his cloud factory. But also... um...”

“What is it?” Twilight wondered.

“Well, my grandfather kinda... sorta... um...”

“I hate gays!” Yelled Rainbow Dash's crotchety old grandfather, as he slammed the tree library's front door behind him. “Also, I'm here! Where's my little darling Dashie? And where's that handsome stallion of yours you talked about in your letters?”

Twilight didn't look impressed. “You're joking.”

“I told him you're a dude! We can tell him the truth when I'm more comfortable with myself and less nervous about all of this love stuff, and I swear, I'll stand up for you when I'm ready no matter what he says, but for now it would really help if you just rolled with this.”

Twilight buried her face into their shared pillow, bit down upon it, and screamed.

“Hey, we're not supposed to scream into that pillow until tonight!” RD joked.

Twilight looked up at her, unimpressed. “Jokes are Pinkie Pie's thing. Well, let's go see your racist grandfather and-”

“Wait! I told him you're a blonde dude with a lightning mane I made up.”

“What?!”

“He found some drawings I made and I was too embarrassed to say they're of my own original character for a comic I was kinda maybe sorta writing. I mean, making up your own pony and making a story about them? Who DOES that? That's so weird, right? So I said he was... my coltfriend. It seemed less embarrassing at the time!”

“And he bought that?”

“He said I needed art lessons, but he bought it,” Rainbow reached deep into her tail.

“What are you doing?” Twilight asked.

“Pinkie showed me how to do this,” Rainbow pulled some hoof-drawn comics out of her tail, showing them to Twilight as she flipped through them.

“Wow, you're good. You're making do with substandard tools and the same few colouring pencils over and over, but you've got a natural talent for dynamic action poses, complex anatomy, and keeping fight scenes coherent even if the backgrounds are just dynamic speed lines far more often than they're anything recognizable!” Twilight kissed her lover.

“Aw, come off it...” Rainbow Dash blushed. “No, come back on it, praise me more!”

“You're an amazing artist,” Twilight giggled, and took notice of a buff stallion with golden lightning bolts for a mane. “Is this who I think it is?”

“Yep! That's Dawn. Daybreak Dawn. Totally not a Twilight ripoff. He's super awesome and he kicks tons of butt and burns tons of bad guys into nothingness with his awesome lasers.”

"What's his personality?"

"A super awesome pony who kicks tons of butt and burns tons of bad guys into nothingness with his awesome lasers, I just said that."

Twilight rolled her eyes with a smile. “Are you sure anypony would want to read anything so violent?”

“I dunno. But I feel like writing it anyway. And I don't care what the haters say, I'll write it anyway! I don't care if it takes a thousand long, long-”

In a flash of purple magic, Twilight had transformed herself into a mighty stallion whose size and muscles (and something else) could make Big Mac envious. Her tail was a blonde thunderbolt, jagged and sharp. Four thunderbolts hid much of her eyes and horn, but not everything, while the back of her mane hung over her right side, ending in another thunderbolt. And then to match the art better, she changed the number of points in the white stars of her Cutie Mark while turning the pink star blue. And then the turned one of her mane's thunderbolts as blue as Rainbow Dash's butt, right where her mane's pink highlight used to be.

“Long...” Rainbow Dash whispered, staring with hyper-dilated pupils and a blush on her face.

Dawn suddenly noticed how naked he was, screaming and grabbing their bedsheets to cover himself up. And then he caught a glimpse of himself in their mirror, dropping his bedsheet. “I'm... I'm... handsome?” He gasped.

“I'll say,” Rainbow purred, kissing his neck.

“I thought you liked mares,” Dawn noted.

“My sexuality begins and ends at Twilight Sparkle,” Rainbow purred. “I've never felt this way about any stallions before... There are so many things we have to do! Do you think you could fit into my wonderbolt costume?”

“I don't think even a single part of me could fit into that,” Dawn laughed a hearty, manly chuckle.

“I know which part I want to see try,” She purred, leaning into his chest as her tail coiled around his leg.

“Moving on,” He moved away and allowed her to fall. “Let's talk to your grandfather and get this over with before we get stuck doing something distracting.”

"Heh heh, stuck." RD laughed. "Heh heh, doing something."

Dawn took a mighty, heavy step down the stairs, and another one, before misjudging the length of his legs and tumbling head over hooves, landing at the bottom of the stairs in a big heap. “I'm a big guy,” He muttered, dazed.

“For me!” Rainbow Dash grinned, leaping down onto him, only for him to catch her like a sack of flour.

“We've got company!” He protested, getting up and pointing her at his grandfather head-first like Pinkie did with Twilight to the Changelings back at the wedding that one time. To this day, she still sometimes found herself cringing at everything stupid about that day.

Rainbow Dash's green grandfather was a wrinkled old stallion with more liver spots than the melonous tittyhorse down the road boasted freckles, and gnarled limbs that seemed as fragile as glass. He had a mane just like Rainbow Dash, only black, though with added golden highlights at the tips. Was that a birth mark on his cheek, or enough liver spots to form the shape of a foreign nation? He looked about as sturdy as a house of cards, if every third card didn't actually exist and every fourth card never stopped shaking. Age had not been kind to him, but at least his messy wings with plenty of missing feathers didn't look quite as awful as they could have.

“Hi, old-timer!” Rainbow greeted.

“Hi, sport,” He flew up and grinned down at the stallion. “I trust I'm not interrupting anything.”

“Nothing we don't do every day!” RD smiled. “We're very straight.”

“That's good! Because I hate gay people. Dawn, is it?”

“Yes,” Dawn nodded, “Daybreak Dawn.”

“Rainbow, could you go and cook us some tea?”

“Sure thing!” Rainbow zipped away, leaving a rainbow streak behind.

And when she was alone in the kitchen, she slammed the door behind her and started to hyperventilate. “I don't know how to cook!”

She rocked back and forth. “It's alright, Dashie, you can do this. You just need confidence. Confidence! That's all that matters! You feel great! You can win! You! Can! Do! This!”

“I know how to cook,” Rainbow Dash told herself as she picked up an egg, and put it into a big glass mixing bowl.

“I know how to cook,” Rainbow Dash told herself as she picked up another egg, and put it into a big glass mixing bowl.

“I know how to cook,” Rainbow Dash told herself as she picked up another egg, and put it into a big glass mixing bowl.

“She's been in there for ages,” Rainbow's granddad muttered outside the kitchen.

“If you think a few seconds is 'ages', I feel bad for your wife,” Dawn grinned.

“You take that back!” The old man went to grab the younger stallion's neck, only to be held aloft like a kitten by the shimmering purple light of unquestionable magical might.

“I know how to cook,” Rainbow Dash told herself inside the kitchen as she picked up another egg, and put it into a big glass mixing bowl.

“I know how to cook,” Rainbow Dash told herself as she picked up a sack of flour and opened the top, pouring just a sprinkle of light flour into the big glass mixing bowl.

“I don't know how to cook,” Rainbow Dash told herself as she picked up the big glass mixing bowl and put it into the oven.

“I'll do my best to cook anyway,” Rainbow Dash said as she turned up the gas on the part of the oven meant for frying pans, filling the room with flammable gas without pressing the knob in, which would ignite the gas into controlled flames.

“I know how to cook,” Rainbow Dash told herself as she left the room before announcing to her lover and grandfather, “The food's cooking!”

“I thought we were having tea?” the old granddad asked, only to be dropped from Dawn's magical grip.

“Yes!” Rainbow smiled. “Tea is food.”

“Tea is a drink.” said the old pony.

“It's also food, to those who can't drink solid food.”

“No, that's not how it works.” He shook his head.

"Steamed hams!" Rainbow blurted for no reason.

"What?" Her grandfather whatted.

"I mean creamed hams! Dawn's creamed in my hamstrings before!"

"I could have gone my whole life without knowing that."

There was a knock at the door, like the sound of somepony knocking at the door.

Rainbow flew over to the door and opened it, only to see...

Big Mac?

“Big Mac?” Rainbow was surprised. “What are you doing here?”

“Apple Bloom left her lunchbox...” He said, and then caught sight of the disguised Twilight.

He stared.

“What are you staring at?” RD asked.

“...behind...” Big Mac's mouth watered.

“What?” Rainbow tilted her head like a dog.

Big Mac blinked, before blushing and slamming the door, sprinting away. “I'm a married pony,” He chanted to himself, “I'm a married pony, I'm a married pony!”

“What a strange pony.” Rainbow's Granddad commented. “I hope he's not gay, I hate gays.”

Lightning from the storm outside tore the library in half, igniting the gas Rainbow Dash had unleashed in the kitchen.

Dawn reflexively protected them all with a shield spell, but right now, the only thing on his mind was Rainbow Dash. And her grandfather, but mostly Rainbow Dash. With his concentration gone, he turned back into Twilight Sparkle.

“You saved my life!” Rainbow's Granddad gasped in the burned ruins of Twilight's library, charred books falling around them, rain falling heavily upon them. “And you're a mare!”

“And we're gay!” Rainbow Dash kissed her love, right on the lips, right in front of him. “Today I learned an important lesson about confidence! That's it, that's my character arc.”

“I'm proud of you,” Smiled the grandfather.

“WHAT?!” Rainbow gasped. “But ever since I've met you, you've never stopped talking about how much you hate gays!”

“Only ironically, to troll them,” He smiled, flying away. “Annoying others beyond all reasonable measure is life's greatest treasure!”

The storm subsided.

“Well, that was stupid,” Twilight grumbled. “Magically fixing my library and all these books is going to take so long... Today was a really stupid day.”

Rainbow Dash breathed in heavily, and kissed her for two and a half minutes straight.

“Today was a good day,” Twilight sighed dreamily, as Rainbow Dash took her hoof and led her to Rarity's house. She wasn't in this episode, which meant it was free. They could do anything they wanted in it as long as they remembered to get it looking normal by the end of the day.

As Rainbow Dash's granddad flew away, he started talking to himself...

“I can't believe Dashie asked me to do this, just to see if her gay lover would do anything awful when confronted by a situation like this. What a strange little pony! Well, before I go home...”

He flew to Ponyville's gay nightclub.

He heard Big Mac would be dancing tonight, now that his wife had finally accepted his true passion!

Dear Princess Celestia

Today I learned the most important thing you can have is confidence! As long as you're confident in yourself and those you love, everything will all work out fine.

Your faithful student's lover, Rainbow Dash

By the way, we're gay.