Team America Saves Equestria
Sweating profusely, Princess Celestia sat upon her golden throne looking at the red, blue, white, star-striped button that was the American flag next to her throne. She didn't want to press it but she felt like she had no other choice. She was worried over the last time she called for their ‘help’. She was tempted to teleport the button away, and to try to deal with the army of darkness that was rampaging through her city by herself.
However, her royal guards were barely holding back the darktide of King Sombra’s undead pony army, who were trying to barge its way into the throne room with a battering ram.
She sighed deeply. “Don't make me regret this Team America. I need your help.”
The moment she pressed the button with her hoof, a massive explosion went off on the other side of the throne room, her guards were subsequently sent flying away, and sent tumbling onto the floor, they were still alive somehow. Fortunately, the battering ram, and all the zombies were blown into smithereens by the resulting fiery explosion.
“Don’t worry Celestia! Our drones will help you!” came a manly American’s voice from the button.
Celestia walked over to the now-massive hole left in the front of her castle. She looked on in horror as she saw Canterlot being destroyed by her American friends. She could see an army of drones flying over the city, indiscriminately dropping bombs everywhere. Yet somehow missing all civilians, but nonetheless destroying the magnificent architecture of the city. She could see humans dropping in by parachutes, they fired their miniguns down at the zombies lining the streets, tearing them into pieces. The humans were dressed in red, white, and blue uniforms to show their patriotism, they were the elite of the elite. They were the Team America special forces.
She could see fellow ponies dropping onto the ground in fear as the Americans dropped in and began to spray their miniguns indiscriminately at the zombies. She thanked the heavens that these American troops had great accuracy, not a single bullet hit her cowering ponies on the ground. Who were literally pissing and shitting themselves in fear from the glaringly loud noise from their miniguns.
The city was saved. Sombra was vanquished by multiple airstrikes hitting him, resulting in a fiery explosion.
An elderly, well-dressed human known as Spottswoode smiled nervously as he stood before Celestia sitting on her throne. She was glaring at him angrily.
“But we saved the day, didn’t we?”
“Yes… you did… but did you really have to blow up half of Canterlot while doing it?” Celestia said in a low, bitter voice, the heat of the room rising from her anger. “You Americans solve every problem by firing rockets and bullets wildly. Can you please try to be more careful the next time we need your help?”
“Sorry. We are Americans. That's how we roll. Shoot first, ask questions later,” he stepped to the side, somehow predicting a fallen piece of rock falling from the ceiling. “Yeah, we may need to fix your roof.”
“Spottswoode, some of these buildings have stood here for thousands of years. I seriously doubt you have the architectural skills to recreate what we've just lost.”
Celestia’s eyes widen when she saw Rainbow Dash making out with an American on the other side of the room where the throne room doors used to be. A young, handsome, blonde-haired American, but an American nonetheless.
Celestia got up off her throne, and rushed towards Rainbow Dash, pushing her away from the human with a rough shove from her hooves.
“Hey! What are you doing?! I was making out with this awesome, sexy American!”
“Rainbow Dash! What in harmony’s name are you doing?!”
“Duhh, I was thanking this fine gentleman for saving the city!”
“But they blew up half of the city?!”
“Don’t be racist! Come on Gary, let's leave this joint and blow some shit up together like a true American!”
“Hell yeah! You will become my apprentice, and learn the way of becoming a true American!” shouted Gary, while firing his Desert Eagle pistol into the air in celebration. And then throwing, some grenades in a part of the room when nobody was present, resulting in another explosion and blowing another hole in the wall of the castle.
Rainbow Dash and Gary walked holding hand and hoof out of the throne room. They walked through the crumbling remains of the city, looking at one another with bedroom eyes.
Celestia sighed deeply. With her head low in shame, she walked out of the throne room and went into what was left of the Royal Dining room. She dropped herself down onto her fat rump, and then buried her face into her hooves and began to cry silently.
“Would you like some doughnuts?” came Spottswoode’s voice.
“No…” she said bitterly.
“But they are extra fattening, and smothered with thick buttery cream! I also have many éclairs, which are over one million calories. Twenty-five pounds of butter per square inch. Covered with chocolate so dark... light cannot escape its surface.”
She grabbed him with her two front hooves, and kissed him, giving him a wet smooch on the lips. “Oh, Spottswoode! You know the key to a mare’s heart!” she said with tears of joy in her eyes. “I’m sorry for the way I acted.”
“It’s okay, Celestia. We Americans are a rowdy bunch, but we mean well. For what it's worth I'm really sorry for blowing up half of the city. I'll make sure to tell the boys to be more careful next time.”
“No!” she shouted, glaring at him angrily.”That's not the America I fell in love with! I want you to be stupid and reckless! I want you to shoot first and ask questions later. You are dicks, but dicks also fuck assholes. Pussies may get mad at dicks, and try fuck assholes their way. Since pussies get fucked by dicks. But it doesn't work. The only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick. And if dicks don’t fuck assholes, you know what you get?”
“What?” he asked.
“Everything gets covered in shit!”
