My Life as a 'Net Pon

by Chrome Masquerade

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Self Insert, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Human, Original Character
Length: 5070

A desire for a fresh start doesn't quite go as expected...

A nearly broken man is asked via an anonymous message, "If you could go anywhere, where would you go?". After some thought, a desire is expressed for a fresh start, a reshuffle of the cards, you might say. When asked another question, his answer sends him somewhere not entirely desirable.

Now stuck in a new world in a new body, will the former human find the fresh start he's looking for? Only time will tell.

New chapters may be slow in coming, but I intend to go as far as I can.
-Partially inspired by A Penny for Your Thought by Damaged (read that, btw).
-Cover image originally by 10art1.
-Tags will be added if necessary.
-Teen rating mostly for implications, as of yet.
-Human tag mostly for chapter 1.
-There will also be lots of computer puns. Fair warning.
-No rrelation to My Life As a Suit Pon by Sandstorm94 (read that too, though).

Published 2022-01-10 06:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-11-06 17:08:35 UTC

Chapter 1: Reinstalled

My life was a mess.

I would never amount to anything in this life. I had made terrible mistakes. I was weak, unskilled and worse yet, due to being in a serious accident that also cost my parents their lives, impotent to boot; I would never father a child, even if I ever found a girlfriend.

My name? Doesn't matter at this point.

Anyway, as I was walking down the street, stuck in my depressed thoughts, my phone buzzed in my pocket.

Which was odd, because my phone didn't HAVE a vibration function. It was an old one, but still could send and receive text messages. That said;

If you could go anywhere, where would you go?

I stared at the question for a moment, puzzled. After a few seconds, I sent a reply.

'Who is this?'

My name doesn't matter. Your answer does.

'Curious.' I thought to myself. After a few seconds' thought, I replied,

'Somewhere where I can have a fresh start; a new lease on life. Where I can one day find a Happily Ever After.'

A good answer. If you could bring anything with you, what would it be?

I thought about that for a moment.

'Internet access and all its functions?'

The reply was relatively quick in coming.

Hmm... It can be done, but where you start off will not exactly be a desirable location. Do you accept this?

I took a deep breath.

'I have little to nothing to live for here anyway. Done and done.'

For a moment, I felt dizzy before consciousness entirely left me, everything going black.

I had no idea where I was. All I knew was that it was warm it was dark, and I could hear a thump every 3/4 of a second or so. I couldn't see; couldn't feel. Couldn't smell or taste. Had no sense of time, either.

Oh, and I slept a LOT. Not like there was much else to do here, anyway.

Over time, I started to gain the sense of touch. How did I know? Apparently there was someone else here with me.

It had only occurred to me just then; I was being literally reborn, and the one next to me was my sibling!

It was a long time; a very long time. But eventually, I could feel that something was draining from where I was. Immediately, I started to feel REALLY cold. I suppose that being warm for a long time and then having all that warmth removed from your environment will do that to you.

I felt the urge to begin crying, but stomped it down to the level of whimpers instead of straight-up bawling.

My twin, -my sister, judging by the voice- however, had no such compunctions. (Sigh).

As twins are wont to do, when she started crying, I felt the need to do so as well.

Our mother -who I still couldn't see yet- started licking us clean, alternating between us. It tickled so much that we went from crying to giggling in no time flat. She also made shushing sounds, trying to quiet us down.

You might wonder how a Pony can lick and shush at the same time. It still boggles the buck out of me now, but whatever.

When she was done, I was able to open my eyes for the first time, though my vision was still very blurry. My mother exclaimed, "Look! Her eyes!"

Apparently, I had blue, fully cartoon-y eyes, about the same hue as my mane and tail -I later saw that from the reflection in my mother's eyes-. I was destined to be a major player, it seemed.

Then I instinctively spread my wings, to another gasp of shock. "Her wings are beautiful!"

Looking at my side at the foreign sensation, I saw that my wings were a shiny alabaster. (1)

Seeing the looks on my parents' faces, I closed my eyes and said my first word, pretty early on.

"*Click!*"

After a flash of light, a picture printed from my mouth.

My mother and father were all googly-eyed for a moment, much to my amusement, and that of my sister. Upon seeing their picture, my parents started laughing too.

At that point, my vision fully cleared up and I saw my new mother and father completely for the first time.

My mother was a white Earth Pony (with a red O shape on her flank, I discovered later), who also had a red mane and tail with one white stripe through both. Her name was Opera Scape.

My father was a blue Unicorn with occasional white splotches on his coat. His mark had a white N on an old-style boat's steering wheel within a white circle. His name was Net Scape.

My sister was an orangey-red Earth Pony whose mane and tail floated gently in a nonexistent breeze, looking like it was on fire. I learned later of that being an indication that she had an unusually high mana capacity, for an Earth Pony, -let alone one so young- so it exuded itself through her mane and tail. Her name would come to be Fire Fox.

All rather on the nose names, wouldn't you say? Then again, criticism coming from a Pegasus named Chrome Melodies... who am I to judge?

Either way, seeing my new family made my heart soar. I swore to myself right then and there that I'd do my best to protect them. If I had anything to say about it, they would NOT end up like my previous family. And anyone or anything that tried would receive no mercy from me, or my sister.

Simultaneously, our stomachs gurgled.

Mom smiled and turned slightly. "Hungry are you? Come on; try what's on tap." she said, revealing her somewhat swollen teats.

As we were guided there, my sister drank eagerly from one, while I did so much more slowly with the other, a slight blush on my face. My mother's milk tasted of buttercream, with a slight hint of mint. Maybe vanilla?

At length, we finished our meal, burping at once before falling asleep -again, simultaneously- shortly thereafter.

Yep. Life was going to be interesting for our little family. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Author's Note

1: I made a little change here; you'll find out why soon enough.

Chapter 2: The Daily Program

When we left the hospital a week after that, -mom needed some time to... defragment, if you catch my drift- my sister and I got to see our new home for the first time.

It turned out to be a cloud house! Or, a cloud space, if you will.

At my awestruck expression, my father explained. "Surprised, eh? This is the work of your uncle, Edge. He is especially good at cloud enchantment spells. There's a cloud walk spell that Unicorns like myself can cast, but he had the idea to cast a similar spell on the clouds themselves!"

So saying, he walked up the cloudy steps to the... front lawn, such as it was. Turning around, he bounced up and down a couple of times. "So it saves you a bundle on building materials... and anypony can use it! Neat, huh? Edge was always the clever one!" He finished, with a laugh, bouncing some more just for fun.

"*Click!*" *Flash* *Bzzzzzzzt*

My father tripped and fell over when I took my second picture. Mom chuckled at that.

"Well," he said, "it's a nice thing that these clouds are really really soft as well." He snuggled into our lawn briefly before getting up again and entering our house as mom put the two of us down. Due to being unaccustomed to being quadrupedal or -you know- moving around much as toddlers, my sister and I got very accustomed to the enchanted clouds.

At one point, my vision shifted and I found that I could sort of make out lines of code written into the clouds themselves.

if (user) enters space-

-run(program)

-015-82963-4197223

Heck if I knew what it meant right then, memories or no. Besides, despite repeatedly falling over, we were having too much fun to really care much!

After some time, my sister and I managed to get a hang of walking. Stairs, however, were still an issue, and would be for quite a while to come.

Eventually, mom decided to assist us in getting to and through the door.

Inside, I found that most of what was there was also made of cloud. The floor was cloudstuff, the chairs were cloudstuff, the tables were cloudstuff! I was only half surprised that the equipment in the kitchen wasn't cloudstuff too!

Anyway, my sister and I were still on a liquid diet, as embarassing as that was.

Sure, I was next to asexual in my previous life, but is it wrong that it was doubly embarassing that filly-me got closer to the double barrels than man-me had ever managed to?

Whatever.

After dinner, we were brought to a bathtub that had a showerhead which (shock of all shocks) was also a cloud. Mom squeezed the small cloud and water cascaded down upon my sister and me. This also filled the bathtub, which quickly warmed up... through means unknown to me. Maybe it had to do with the six crystals embedded in the sides at the top?

Either way, some bubble-bath solution later, we were having fun and getting cleaned by mom at the same time, the two of us splashing each other, back and forth... and for some reason pretty much ALL of the water stayed in the tub.

Noticing this, I looked over to mom, poked her once and -when she looked at me- tapped beside one of the crystals.

"Good noticing. You want to know about those, eh?" she verified, seemingly happy that I noticed them.

At my nod, she began to explain, trying to find a way that a child -albeit a rather unexpectedly bright one- would understand.

I noticed that my sister was listening intently as well.

"Well, you see... these crystals are... filled with what's called "Mana". That lets the... magic in them work." She pointed to each one in turn as she explained. "See, this red one warms the water. This blue one makes it self-cleaning. This green one... helps refill the other ones; it makes its own power, to some extent. Now, this purple one keeps the water from going over the... sides of the tub, this dark blue one cleans and refills the cloud with water that would usually be drained or thrown out when your bath is done. And... this white one keeps the soap from hurting your eyes! See? It's clean, effective and wastes... the least water possible."

In unison, the two of us nodded, returning to our playing.

Mom uttered a 'phew' and wiped her forehead with one foreleg.

After we got dried off, we were brought to a cradle that was in a nearby room, near another bed -which I presumed was my for mom and dad-. With great care, mom put us in the cradle, tucked us in and, while rocking it, began to sing a lullaby for us.

As we drifted off, I thought to myself, 'This whole new life thing is pretty plush so far.'

Shortly thereafter, my sister and I were sharing a space in dreamland, bouncing on a floor made of -surprise, surprise- clouds. We danced with little stars that came down just to play with us.

Chapter 3: Seeking Technical Aid

After some time, mom and dad decided to take me in to see a doctor, because I was a... biiiit more quirky than they expected. While the pictures I took and printed from time to time were funny and consequently tacked onto the walls, -how you tack things to a cloud wall is beyond me- they decided that it might be time to get me debugged, if you catch my drift.

Anyway, there we all were, sitting in the room alloted to Doctor Bright Eyes, waiting for him to enter. We were seated on a large couch, adjusted to the standards of a quadrupedal being. Mom and dad were effectively lying down, with the two of us sitting between our mother's forelegs.

Sure enough, when the doctor we were to see came in, he was wearing the stereotypical white getup, with a stethoscope hanging around his neck. Bright Eyes was supposedly a quasi-prodigy who'd graduated from Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, and was an expert pediatrician, among other things.

"So." he began, looking down at me, "These cuties are my patients, eh? What seems to be the-"

Not missing a beat, the expected occurred. "*Click!*" *flash* *Bzzzzt!*

Dad said, a trifle smugly, "Does that answer your question, doc?" He hoofed the picture to the befuddled doctor. He blinked twice, then twice more. That was all the surprise he showed, but you could tell that he was confused.

Mom teased, "She clearly takes from her father's side of the family."

Dad played at looking hurt. "Hey!"

The doctor took a deep breath and said, "Okay. This ought to be interesting. Let the checkup begin."

The first thing he did, naturally, was listen to my heartbeat... which turned out to be a slightly slowed rumba. Fire Fox's was a slowed down samba.

Next he brought a sphygmomanometer(1) over. Fire Fox's blood pressure turned out to be fine, but when the cuff tightened, my eyes widened and repeatedly flashed red and blue, alternately. To my credit, I didn't cry, though. It still hurt a fair bit. But my BP was also relatively normal otherwise.

"This could be one for the record books." Bright Eyes commented off-hoofedly.

Next he tested our reflexes. When he tapped Fire Fox's hock with his mallet, it was a good thing that he had good reflexes himself, for in the next instant, my sister's opposite foreleg shot out, emitting a small burst of flame.

"Or maybe Rock Lea's Believe it or Not..." he finished, thoughtfully.

Then he did the same for me, and wasn't all that surprised when my same-side foreleg shot out, emitting a small blast of electricity.

"Maybe both." he added.

Then, floating a tongue depressor over for each of us, he directed, "Say 'ah'." to which we obliged. When he pressed them down, code swiftly crossed our vision.

After the tests were done with came our booster shots/blood tests... Which were apparently given early on, around here. When he withdrew the needle from Fire Fox's foreleg, the needle itself was slightly melted. When he pricked me, my eyes went blue and displayed, "ERROR!" This time I started to cry.

As it turned out, my tears were ink.

Bright Eyes looked like he'd just had an epiphany. "Ah. I see the problem."

"What is it, doctor?" mom asked.

"Your daughters have Confused Magic Condition. It is somewhat uncommon, but nothing too serious."

"Confused Magic Condition?" dad queried.

"Oh , yes. You see, there are multiple signature symptoms of that; For example, their tears being comprised of a substance related in some quantifiable capacity to their Talent, whether they've discovered it yet or not, having a hidden encyclopedic -or at least widespread- knowledge of things relating to said Talent, Mana Flares manifesting as... moderate peculiarities aside from ones they might typically experience -your daughter's photogenic photographic incidents, for example...

My sister and I had our heads cocked to one side, a lot of what he was saying going way over our heads. I felt like an adult from the Peanuts series back in my previous life was talking. Okay, it wasn't exactly THAT bad, but my still-developing mind didn't translate any of the words longer than six letters. If he had slowed down a bit, we might have understood but he was saying, but rapid fire like that...

Fire Fox tapped on my foreleg that was closest to her and pointed at the still-explaining doctor, a questioning look on her face. She didn't say anything as such, but the meaning was clear: "Do you get any of what he's saying?"

My ears drooped and I wiggled my opposite hoof back and forth. "Kind of?" Then I put both hooves on my head. "But whatever he's talking about is making my head hurt."

"There's more, of course, but you get the idea. Other than that, they should be able to live fairly regular -if slightly odd- lives." He finished.

Mom breathed a sigh of relief. "That's good news, at least."

Dad nodded in agreement. "Is there anything else that we should know?" He asked.

"Once we get the results of their blood work back, we should know more. We'll send you the tl;dr of the results when we do. For now, things should be all right as is. Just ensure that they get their vocational dose of sugar Oh! Speaking of, before I forget..."

Reaching into one of his drawers, he took out a couple of lollipops, floating them in front of our mouths. We sniffed at them before accepting them, to adorable effect.

In fact, we could all hear a crowd saying, "Aww".

We all looked around briefly, not seeing anything out of the ordinary, before shrugging and going back to the topic at hoof. I suppose "glitches" here and there were going to be a thing around here.

As we exited the hospital, mom commented, "You know what? It's a warm day; I'm in the mood for ice cream. Does anypony else agree?"

The two of us waved one foreleg each.

Like I said before, life was going to be interesting for our little family, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Author's Note

1: That's the actual name for a blood pressure tester. I got three bonus marks on my science exam for remembering how to spell that.

Hardware and Software Updates

(Timeskip - 3 years later)

Mom had begun teaching us how to read and count (turns out math here is in base 10; that would make things easier) and... attempted to get us to speak, with mixed results. Most of the time we "spoke" with actions. Fire Fox and I started using what we later called "twin-speak"; we could understand each other perfectly, but no one else could.

We started to teach each other how to read at the same time; We would help each other out on the words that the other wouldn't quite get on the first try. It was when we were three years old that we spoke our first actual sentence together:

"Mom, can we have some ice cream, pleeease?"

Suddenly, a window appeared in front of us, slightly to the side.

Achievement Unlocked: Double Entendre

(1)

Fire Fox and I looked to each other and high-hoofed.

Mom, for her part, seemed delighted. "And since you asked so politely (and actually asked, period), I'll get you some." she said. I could tell that she wanted to do more, but ice cream would be enough.

Fire Fox, as it turned out, liked Prench Vanilla flavour above all others. My favourite was Caramel Chocolate Chunk. That was one of the few differences we displayed (aside from our outward appearances, of course).

At first.

(Timeskip again - 3 more years hence)

Being an Earth Pony, my sister started to show talent with hot-house plants. She could even make them grow in the depth of winter. Someday soon, the literal fruits of her labours would start to be distributed across the country.

Achievement Unlocked: Taking on the Heat

I, myself, came up with a sort of... invention I would come to call "vapour script". All it took was a moistened puff of air and some Pegasus magic (some intent added in), and I would get a scroll of sorts, made of air. From there, I just had to write down the correct spell formula, and add some energy to it. Thusly, the spell would be cast.

Achievement Unlocked: Vaping On the Clock

Hey!

Amended: Air Brushing

Better.

Anyway, soon enough something... Interesting happened...

At one point, I was practicing with my flying, close to the ground. I had just gone into an updraft, to gain some height, when an explosion happened! I was close enough to it that I was blown back into the ground, about 50 meters below me.

Fortunately, Pegasi are tough.

A circular rainbow spread from the source of the explosion, whatever it was, and seeing it made me want to spread the beauty of that chromatic corona across the country, if not the world. (2)

At that point, I felt a tingle on my legs and my wings. When I looked back, I found two things.

1: I had just gained my Cutie Mark! It was a hoop of red, blue, green and yellow...

2: Much like my wings! My primers had changed colour, alternating between red, blue, greeen and yellow.

Just about then, I saw a cactus shoot up through Fire Fox's greenhouse and, naturally being worried about her safety, took wing and dashed to her rescue.

When I got there, I found that Fire Fox's hot-house horticultural hoard had exploded in growth! Some of them, literally! And JEEZ! It had to be at least 150 degrees in there! What also surprised me was that there was a circle of sorts around the lot of them. None of the plants went outside of the circle.

Just outside of it, panting and wheezing, was my sister. When she looked over at me, she gave me a wan smile. Her mane -previously flowy and all- was lying flat, a dull yellow in colour. It seems that in (presumably) charging the spell she had just cast, she used up just about all of her energy. 'Just about' because she was still -albeit rather shakily- able to stand up.

However, it seems that she also got her Cutie Mark! It had a fox made of flame encircling the world.

She later told me that when that shockwave hit, she knew that if she didn't do something then pieces of her little hydroponic hut would explode and send shrapnel everywhere! She suddenly felt the need to protect the whole world from danger; to protect everypony with all of her energy. Then she instinctively knew what runes she had to use to stop that from happening. She suddenly found that time sort of... slowed for her, and she used the "extra time" to draw the spell as fast as possible.

I helped her outside, to get her some fresh air. Looking up, we could see a trail of colour blazing across the sky. The two of us just knew that we would have to go in that direction. We just had to go there, someday VERY soon. It felt like... fate was calling us.

Buuuuut for now...

We dashed toward home, excited to show off our new Cutie Marks to mom and dad.

While celebrating with her family, Pinkie Pie felt her knees wobble, and her hooves tingle. She had the feeling that somepony else neded a party too. She knew that she'd know who it was when she met them. But that it also meant that she'd have to leave her family's farm soon. But that would come later.

Some distance away, over in Manehattan, Applejack felt her soul being tugged in the direction of home, back to her family. Her Cutie Mark appeared just then, three apples, to represent the three Apples she cared for the most, and that she'd have to apologize to them for leaving them. To think that she'd thought the city life was for her. Ha! She resolved to leave the very next day.

Rainbow Dash, having landed safely, knew that she needed to head to somewhere she'd flown past. She decided that she would, someday soon, go there. With her parents' permission, of course. Her Cutie Mark had just appeared, so for the time being, she'd go home and show it off.

Over in Canterlot, Twilight Sparkle was leaping around her new mentor's hooves, exclaiming, "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" She just knew that life was going to become more exciting for her. The starburst on her flanks shone brightly for a moment, as it appeared.

Over on the ground, surrounded by her new friends, Fluttershy decided right then and there that she'd make her home on the ground, where she could be with those who actually cared about her. Telling her new friends to wait for her, she flew back toward Cloudsdale at what some would call a leisurely clip, to tell her parents of her decision. The butterflies on her flanks glowed for a few seconds as she flew.

Over in the small town nearby, Rarity knew just what to do with the cache of gems she'd just found. Everypony would love the accents on the costumes she'd make with that! As a mark of three diamonds appeared on her flanks, her magic sparked again as -with much effort- she floated the gems one by one in the direction of home. There was so much that she needed to do...

Author's Note

1: More accurately, two single ones at the same time.
2: Yes, much like Pinkie Pie. And yes. I do plan on what you might be expecting.

Chapter 5: Obligatory Beach Episode/New Feature: Friends!

The next day, having told mom and dad our little story, we all decided that we'd take a day (in rest mode, you might say,) to celebrate the gain of our Cutie Marks as we went toward wherever the rainbow streak led. Or rather our house went in that direction.

On the way, we found a beach nearby. It was as good a place to take a break as any.

Dad "parked" the house as we went to find good spots. Soon enough, the classic blanket and umbrella were set up... but of course the umbrella was a cloud. Dad explained that it blocks the sun, absorbs rain, and if it gets too hot we can get a shower immediately. In that light, it kind of made sense.

The two of us were cautious about going into the water, but apparently our proverbial circuits are hardened. That said, the water was pretty cold at first. Not exactly frigid, but it took a moment to adjust to, for sure.

Using some of the moist air to make a sheet of vapor script, I very quickly wote down a water breathing spell. With that, my sister and I were able to dive indefinitely and see what was below the surface.

We made sure to tell our parents first, of course.

Achievement Unlocked!: Deep Dive

When I dove down, what I saw quite amazed me. Just below the surface was a Coral reef of sorts. There were hundreds of fish swimming hither and yon, doing their thing. I made sure to say hello to them... But after that they swam away with all haste. That kind of made me sad for a moment.

Oh well. They probably couldn't understand me anyway.

A fair bit deeper down, there was what looked to be a sunken ship of sorts. Why there was a sunken ship here, we would probably never know. But Tartarus if we were going to ignore it!

Inside of it were lots of broken antiques. Tables, chairs, paintings that weren't preserved very well... that kind of thing. However, further along, there were much more well preserved paintings. Some of these were probably... (Scanning.....) Over 300 years old! Now that is some preservation! Definite respect to the ones who manage that!

Being young still, we would only be able to take a couple of those. If we were so inclined to do so, anyway. However, even further along...

Fire Fox pointed. "Is that what I think it is?"

I was fairly sure it was. A treasure chest!

When we looked inside, we found that most of what was there was tarnished. But there were definitely some nice pieces in there. Being as strong as we were, we would definitely be able to take this along ... If we worked together.

And why should that change now?

Carefully, I made sure to seal the chest so It wouldn't spill anything even if it opened. The chances of that were slim, of course, but not zero.

Very very carefully we took it back toward the reef. Judging by their hiding again, the fish weren't exactly enthused with our presence.

Suddenly, I heard a strange noise behind us. Looking around quickly, I saw a giant octopus! It looked pretty hungry. And me without my vapor script!

Fire Fox told me to head for the shore with the chest. "Your magic is next to useless in the water! But watch what I can do!"

So saying, she thrust her right hoof forward. From there issued a stream of superheated steam, which managed to give the octopus a glancing blow. "Go!"

Suiting thought to action, I did so. It would be a bit more difficult for me than for her, but it would be okay.

Right?

Dragging the chest ashore, waving to our parents,

Achievement Unlocked!: Treasure Hunter

I swiftly dove back into the water. Magic or no, I had to help her. I just had to.

It's what family does. Doubly for twins.

I had an idea. Getting my sister to back off from the cephalopod, I sped forward and grabbed onto it. It reacted in kind and it was then that I release my magic. A burst of electricity shocked both of us. But my sister was safe.

Achievement Unlocked!: Heroic Sacrifice; Flash Fryer

I had gone unconscious. Fire Fox had brought me back ashore, however. I would recover relatively quickly, but it would take a long time to get those electrical burns out of my coat. To say nothing of my hide.

When my sis explained what had happened down there, an expedition was planned. But that would be for Ponies who were higher up on the proverbial food chain. For now, we just enjoyed the rest of the day.

Author's Note

You thought the story was dead, didn't you? :ajsmug: