The One In Which Celestia is More Evil Than Usual
When examining the Golden Age of Equestria, its start could often be attributed to one source: Princess Celestia.
Having a single, skilled monarch that didn't die for over a thousand years, and was at no risk of being replaced, meant that the Equestrian government was much steadier than the governments around it. Its people wanted for very little.
As a result, Princess Celestia was beloved and respected even outside her own country. She was known for her divine grace, wisdom, and loving kindness.
Currently, this heavily-worshiped goddess had cloaked herself in an invisibility spell, and was waiting for one of her golden-armored guards to take the bait that she had set up.
Looking around, the blue-maned, white unicorn stallion who was unlucky enough to be on throne room duty obviously wasn't sure what to do about the big red button that she'd set up on the throne itself.
But, as always, big red buttons were irresistible, so he pressed it. The back of the throne opened up, and a catapult fired a pie into the guard's face, sending him flying backwards. When he landed, he exploded into purple smoke.
Celestia sighed in disappointment, and conjured another identical clone. The white stallion shook his head, clearly confused, and wandered out of the throne room.
"You cannot keep making clones just to prank them."
Celestia turned. Her younger sister was raising an eyebrow, with a heavily unamused frown. The Princess of the Moon looked at Celestia's ingenious trap with disdain. "I can't believe you're still pulling these silly pranks a millennium after my banishment."
Celestia snorted indignantly. "It isn't my fault that there's nothing to do lately. Everything is going completely fine. There are no wars, no giant monsters, no ancient curses! It's mind numbing! You coming back was the most fun I've had since the Second War of the Wings."
"There are things around the castle that need to be done that don't involve statecraft, you know," Luna pointed out. "Since your traps are too dangerous for the maids to navigate, you could clean out some of the places you dumped them in."
Celestia groaned. "I'm suffering horrible boredom, and you want me to clean?"
"It's better than sitting around tormenting the staff," Luna countered.
"No it isn't!"
Luna rolled her eyes. "Come on. We can pick a spot and work together. I still have a few hours before my shift."
Celestia grumbled, but didn't have many good arguments against that.
The castle had several attics and crawl spaces, which Celestia had filled with what she felt were hilarious pranks, but what others might argue were rather horrific traps.
Luna disarmed a few at the entrance that were meant to transform guards into maids. "What do you even use these for?"
"Punishing incompetent guards," Celestia replied matter-of-factly. "I thought that'd be obvious."
This particular attic was filled with antiques from around the time of Luna's banishment. Most things were in boxes, but she spotted a few old favorites: a magic medallion that made all changelings evil and overly ambitious when the gem was pressed, an adorable, and very realistic robot modeled after a pink pegasus filly, who would try to take over the world when activated, and some old magic bell that supposedly belonged to a goat or something.
But her eyes locked on an object in the corner of the room, under a sheet. No… no it couldn't be…
She rushed past Luna, and tore the sheet off of it.
The cannon was as beautiful as the day she'd used it last. It was dark blue, with the word MOONSHOT printed on the side, each of the O's being stylized as the waxing, waning, and full phases of the moon.
A grin split Celestia's face. "Luna! Luna! Look what I fooooouuund!" she singsonged, bringing the cannon around where her sister could see it.
The cannon was very familiar to Luna in particular. "You still have that?" she said incredulously. "Why? What possible cause could you have to send somepony to the—"
She was interrupted by Celestia's raw speed spinning her in several circles as she rushed by. "Because I feel like it! You can finish the attic! I'll be in my camera room. I've got a target to pick!"
Celestia was excited, but not so excited that she didn't stop to grab herself a slice of cake and a cup of cocoa on the way to her camera room.
She sat on her throne, and pressed a button. A retinal scanner popped up in front of her, and scanned her eye. There was a beep as her security was satisfied, and her throne rotated into the floor, leaving an identical one in its place.
Celestia slid down a hidden slide, and into her camera room.
The large bank of monitors that dominated the far wall showed the views of hidden cameras from all over Equestria. Celestia set her cake and cocoa on a table, and sat in her LazyColt recliner, putting her hindlegs up on the hoofrest.
On one of the monitors, a unicorn was staring directly into one of the cameras. Drat! I've been made! Celestia flicked a switch. A tranquilizer dart was fired into the unicorn's neck, and the camera activated an invisibility cloak.
With that matter taken care of, she settled back into her chair and sipped her cocoa, giving a relaxed sigh as she perused the feeds for the perfect candidate.
She considered Twilight Sparkle. No. She's the only one who stands up for me when Luna scolds me.
Rarity was the only one willing to make dresses in her size, Rainbow Dash was too well-liked, and Fluttershy was adorable enough that she would feel bad. Pinkie would just randomly come back from the moon in seconds. She was weird.
Applejack, maybe? She's the boring one. I'm sure we can replace her. But Applejack was currently cutely cuddling Rainbow while they both slept. Awww. That's too cute. Plus, Rainbow might notice her missing. Darnit.
Maybe she should check her Orphan Cams. Celestia wasn't fond of orphans. They had slain her parents. That wasn't actually true. She was just mildly annoyed her by constantly insisting she sponsor their field trips, or trying to convince her to adopt them.
She turned on the OCs. Her attention was quickly caught by a monitor that hadn't been there last time she'd checked them: the inside of some kind of treehouse, or perhaps a clubhouse.
An orange pegasus filly with a purple mane, and tiny wings, sat in there alone. Scootaloo? But she isn't an orpha— Oh. Right. I don't like bad parents either. So Scootaloo was kinda an orphan, even if Celestia had only banished her parents to some random celestial body.
So her being an orphan is technically my fault. An orphan who also made Celestia feel kind of guilty? How dare she!?
That little pegasus was going to go to the Moon, even if it was the last thing Celestia did.
Celestia's illusory disguise was perfect. The rugged, animal-handling stallion whose name she honestly couldn't recall smiled at himself in a shop window. Celestia thought her disguise as Scootaloo's father was absolutely flawless.
The cragadile she had stolen from the Canterlot Menagerie thrashed on the dog leash… which she had also stolen from a local pet store. She fed it a dog treat to calm it down.
She spotted her target riding a scooter around the marketplace. Scootaloo looked like she was having the time of her life, while her two friends timed her laps.
"Scootaloo!" Celestia called out in her best imitation of the accent she recalled. "Yoo hoo! I'm your father!"
All three of them froze. Their heads whipped towards her.
"Look! I have a special enclosure where you can pet my cragadile." She pointed towards a large structure she'd compiled from bricks, labeled "cragidile cage" in glued-on letters. Only she had the sinister knowledge that, within sat the Moonshot, awaiting its destined occupant.
The three fillies charged at her in excitement. Merciful me! Three projectiles for the price of one!
Then Scootaloo's scooter hit the goddess in her temple.
Celestia went down like a dropped sack of potatoes.
The next thing she knew the CMC were viciously stomping her, and beating her with a large number of nearby objects.
"Stupid!" Applebloom broke a barrel over Celestia's back.
"Lazy!" Sweetie Belle hit her with a steel chair.
"Abandoning piece of—" Scootaloo smashed her in the face with a pie.
"Grah!" The cragadile, wanting to be a part of the festivities, smacked Celestia with its tail, sending her flying.
"And don't come back!" Scootaloo taunted.
Celestia landed on her brick enclosure, smashing it to pieces. She let out a small groan of pain. I guess they don't like neglectful parents either.
Celestia had to do some preparation for her next attempt. She borrowed all of Luna's stuffed animal collection while she wasn't looking, and choked a local carnie unconscious. He wasn't worthy of the Moonshot, but his clothes fit her.
She took up residence in his darts booth at the Ponyville Carnival, wearing the red-striped shirt and straw hat. His twin brother freaked out when he saw her, causing Celestia to freak out.
One banishment to the Plane of Eternal Paint Drying later, Celestia had the booth to herself. She hung up Luna's stuffed animals as prizes, to make the booth more enticing.
She spotted her quarry entering the carnival, along with the other two Crusaders. She waved them down.
Scootaloo blinked. "Princess Celestia? What are you doing here?"
"Just some charity work!" Celestia replied. "Care for a game? No charge, though there are some consequences for losing. Nothing to worry about though!"
"That doesn't sound ominous at all!" Applebloom said excitedly. "Let's go for it!"
Celestia gave Scootaloo five darts. If she missed just one, Celestia would use it as an excuse to put her in the cannon. The balloons were underinflated, and the darts blunt. This would be easy.
But Scootaloo didn't miss.
The pegasus filly threw the darts with such force that the carny cheats didn't matter. She actually rocked the tent, since it was attached to the dartboard.
Celestia nervously gave her one of Luna's stuffed bunnies. Luna is going to kill me.
Scootaloo now apparently hungered for destruction. "Gimme more darts! I'm on a roll!"
Oh dear. I seem to have created a monster.
By the time the fillies were done, Scootaloo had won Luna's entire collection. Celestia was left in the booth, wondering what had just happened. "Not Mr. Snuggles…"
"What was that?" A mare who had been next in line said.
In frustration, Celestia smashed the wooden counter, and zapped the mare. The resulting Royal Guard clone blinked slowly, and wandered off to find something to protect.
Celestia took a deep breath. Alright. Plan C.
This was the last plan that Celestia had made. It was do or die now. Or, well, do or go without sending a pegasus to the moon for the funsies.
She was extra careful in the crafting of her disguise. Her shapeshifted coat was the perfect shade of cyan, and every hue of her rainbow mane was immaculate. There was no difference between her and Rainbow Dash, other than the invisible horn.
She had built her trap simply this time, having been told by Luna that she couldn't draw from the Equestrian treasury to build a trap. So she had to settle for cardboard, markers, and a gluestick.
Rainfaux Dash took to the skies, searching for Scootaloo. She needed to bring her A game for this.
Scootaloo and the CMC were in an open field. They were working on some kind of catapult, which was missing a wheel.
"Hey squirt!" Celestia was actually proud of her Rainbow Dash impression. "Watcha doin? I thought you were done with the cutie mark attempts."
"Just because we have our cutie marks now, doesn't mean we can't learn!" Scootaloo replied. "Who knows when we might need to learn how to build and use a catapult?"
"I think it's a trebuchet, actually," Sweetie Belle corrected.
"What?" Apple Bloom said, confused. "The book said that the blueprints were for a ballista."
"That's… great!" Celestia said with ground teeth. Maybe I should send all of them to the moon, before they try to conquer Canterlot. "Why don't you three take a break? I hear a new pancake place just opened. I'm buying!"
The three fillies shared a look, and nodded. "Sounds good!" Scootaloo agreed eagerly. "I'm starved. Had to carry a bunch of stuffed animals home from some Carny I obliterated."
Ooooh I am going to get you.
Celestia guided the three fillies to her trap. The building was constructed purely out of glued-together cardboard, with the word "Pancakes" written above the door. The k was backwards.
As they drew closer, Celestia began to get excited. You're not going to the moon one of these days, Scootaloo! You're going right now!
But the universe had a way of interrupting Celestia when she was about to do something awesome.
"Hey! Who are you?"
The real Rainbow Dash (or so Celestia assumed. Darn changelings.) landed in front of them, nostrils flaring. "Stay away from Scootaloo!"
"Wait, what the—?" Scootaloo said, looking between them in utter confusion.
Before Celestia could speak up, and cause a clone crisis, Rainbow Dash interrupted. "I bought you that medieval warfare manual for your birthday!"
"Oh yeah!" Apple Bloom said. They all looked at Celestia. "You had no idea what we were doing before!"
"Uh… I… uh… Look! The Moon!" Celestia tried to lunge at Rainbow to roll around and mix the two of them up, but was grabbed by the CMC, and dragged backwards.
Celestia was lost in a dust cloud, with the CMC again stomping her and hitting her with nearby objects.
She was knocked out of the dust when one of them left the assault, and fired the siege weapon they had been building right into her.
"ENOUGH!"
Celestia banished her disguise in a blast of white light. Her eyes glowed with holy fury, immediately cowing all four ponies before her.
She levitated Scootaloo up to eye level. "Foolish mortal! Thou dare defy me!?"
"P-Princess Celestia!?" Scootaloo exclaimed in a panicked, terrified tone. "W-why are you doing this?"
Celestia took a breath, calming herself. "I want to send a pony to the moon. You're my perfect candidate. I've taken all of this abuse, and all I want to do is get you into this building, and send you flying to the—"
"FLYING!"
Scootaloo somehow managed to break Celestia's magical grip, and galloped to the cardboard door. "I don't care how I do it! I just wanna fly!"
She went inside. Moments later, there was a deafening boom, and an orange-and-purple projectile sailed into the sky.
Celestia stared after her. "...She is one crazy chicken." Still. That was fun to watch. More fun than pranking the guards.
She realized the other three ponies were staring at her. "Oh. Right. Sorry."
Celestia cast a spell to wipe their memories of the incident, and went home, satisfied.
The next morning, Celestia made breakfast. It was perfect, and she was in a fantastic mood. Luna even got up early enough to eat with her!
They chatted idly. Thankfully, Luna didn't even seem to realize that her stuffed animals were missing.
"You know, I did do something special for you, sister," Luna said with a small half-smile.
Celestia brightened. This day was getting better and better! "Oh? What is it?"
"I baked a cake," Luna said, a note in her voice that Celestia couldn't identify. "It's in that box, right over ther—"
"CAKE!"
Celestia rushed for the cardboard container, plunging into it headfirst. She fell much deeper than she expected to, all the way up to her back legs. "Cake?"
There was no cake.
The sides of the box fell away, revealing the Moonshot.
The last thing Celestia heard was: "This is for Mr. Snuggles."
Then there was a deafening boom.
One month later.
"Crikey. You think she'll let us out of here anytime soon?"
Celestia ignored the question from Scootaloo's father. He, Celestia, and Scootaloo's mother were locked in the remnants of a crashed spaceship.
"Surely Scootaloo can't stay mad forever," the mother replied. They'd both told Celestia their names more than once, but she'd never bothered remembering them. They were incredibly annoying. About as annoying as Scootaloo firing that blaster she'd found at them anytime they strayed too far from the crashed ship.
"Least we got all the food we can eat," Scootadad remarked.
That was correct. Upon Celestia's arrival, she had discovered that the moon of their planet was, apparently, made of pepperjack cheese. The air was also surprisingly breathable.
Scootamom's stomach grumbled. "Ugh. Cheese always makes me gassy."
Celestia raced to the door of the airtight chamber, pounding on it. "LET ME OUT OF HERE!"
But nobody came.
