Anon Introduces Truck Nuts to Equestria
Each species on the planet Equus had its own doomsday prediction.
The dragons believed that Behemoth, the dragon on whose back they lived, would one day awake from his eternal slumber one day.
The buffalos thought that their time would be at an end when there were no more stampeding grounds.
The breezies feared a somewhat brisk wind.
Unlike these legends, which were likely to never come to fruition, the ponies of Equestria found themselves staring down the barrel of a real armageddon one summer day. It came in the form of a green ape from another dimension and his crates of fake rubber testicles.
Anon wasn’t a fan of nuts.
Sure, he believed in the idea of “live and let live”: he wasn’t going to call someone out for their life choices. He just disliked when Pinkie Pie baked banana bread with walnuts. This morning in Sugarcube Corner was the fourth time that the pink pony had tried getting him to eat her newest recipe, “Nutty Bananon Bread.” She wasn’t listening to Anon’s dietary complaints like the past three times. Anon knew that there had to be some way to get through to her. Suddenly, inspiration struck him.
“Pinkie, I haven’t been telling you the real reason why I don’t like nuts,” he slowly drawled, the idea still forming in his mind. “Back on Earth, we consider nuts to be sacred objects.”
“Really, Nonny?” Pinkie asked. She had never heard of such a belief system before!
Anon nodded, almost unbelieving that she was buying this. “Yep! In fact, we kept them in these special little bags so that the nuts we collected could stay safe.”
“Oooo, like a sack?”
“Exactly, Pinkie!” Anon was struggling to hold in his guffaws. “We even had a special term for them: nutsacks!”
Pinkie’s eyes were sparkling at the thought. As a baker, she appreciated the idea of keeping special ingredients safe. “Can I have my own nutsack someday, Anon?”
Anon was an entrepreneurial sort of fellow, and he had a knack for a good business opportunity. He also loved shenanigans. “Sure, Pinkie! Gimme a few days, and I’ll set up a nutsack stall outside Sugarcube Corner. I’ll even give you a sack for free!”
“Thanks, Nonny!” she chirped excitedly, bouncing up and down. “I’ll be sure to tell everyone about your nutsacks!”
Later that day, Anon made his way over to Coat Hangers & Rubber Gloves, the Ponyville’s storage and cleaning supply shop. Finding the rubber glove aisle, he put a dozen boxes of them into his cart. As he made his way to the checkout counter, a bright red bargain bin caught his eye. Apparently, the store was having a clearance sale of rubber chickens! He hurriedly scooped some into his cart. One could never have too many cocks, after all.
On a sunny morning towards the end of that week, Anon’s stall was ready to go. He had been giggling to himself since he woke up that day, excited to see the town’s reactions to his bulbous wares. When he first hatched this plan earlier that week while talking to Pinkie, he drew inspiration from a fad in his home planet: truck nuts.
It had been simple to encourage Twilight Sparke to magically transfigure the rubber gloves and chickens into the desired shape. After all, she still owed Anon after her invasive…tests…following his arrival through the dimensional portal.
The morning rush at Sugarcube Corner was beginning to arrive just as Anon was putting the last of his supply of truck nuts on some collapsable shelves he had borrowed from Rarity. The balls on display were a colorful sight! He had been mindful of the need for the town's inhabitants to match their coats with their sacks, so he had Twilight enchant each pair of nuts to magically match with the colors of whoever or whatever they were placed on.
Anon had sold out within his first hour. It turned out that Pinkie, knowing everyone in town on a first-name basis, had spread the news of Anon's nutsacks far and wide. Everyone had wanted a pair! He had found it necessary to hide his constant stream of laughter through elaborate coughing fits. Hearing his bouts from within the bakery, Pinkie give him a slice of Bananon Bread – this time without nuts! His plan had worked!
A few weeks later, Anon was joining a congregation of Ponyville’s inhabitants in the town square for the Summer Sun Festival. The highlight of the day would be a visit from Princess Luna (Celestia was scheduled to be in Manehattan).
Anon’s Nutsacks™ had been a rousing success. What had been just a one-man nutjob soon became an Equestrian sensation. Stores across the kingdom were clamoring for loads of Anon’s orbs.
Anon had laughed his way to the bank, figuratively and literally. Ponies didn’t wear his products, but rather regarded them as talismans of good luck. Common places to put them had included: above the entryways to homes, above ponies’ beds, and even on statues. Rumor had it that the Celestial Colossus, a thousand-foot monument to the solar princess in Detrot, was covered with hundreds of nutsacks.
That evening, after the spectacular sunset and Luna’s pretty good raising of the moon, the younger of Equestria’s two rulers was mingling with the crowd in Ponyville’s square. She had met Anon twice previously, but not since the success of his most recent business venture.
“Hark, Sir Anon!” She greeted the human. “How art thou finding the eve’s festivities? We trust you are gay.”
It took Anon a second to process her meaning.
“Yes, princess, I’ve been having quite a ball of a time,” he replied. “Are you looking forward to anything later in the evening?”
“We have deigned to enter ourself in the lists for the jousts.”
“Jousts, princess?”
“Verily! Two our of horned denizens shall canter towards each other, holding spears betwixt them with their fey powers. In place of a biting edge, two of your sacks o’ nuts shall be affixed to the ends for good fortune.”
“Are you sure that’s a good idea, princess?” asked Anon, unable to contain his laughter at this point. “I don’t want anyone’s sacks to get bruised.”
“Nay, ‘tis a foolish thought” replied Luna.” It’s not a gay day unless the nuts touch.”
