A DIFFERENT KIND OF EVILby redneck brony 01ChaptersINTROChapter 1Chapter 2Chapter 3Chapter 5chapter 6Chapter 4INTROA DIFFERENT KIND OF EVIL MLP: FIM FANFIC INTRODUCTION Alright, where to start, my name is Jens Kristiansen, I am a 17, almost 18 year old Canadian, and the first redneck brony. A few things you should know right off the bat, I am a very stereotypical redneck so, you know, guns, cars, explosives, all that good stuff is my area of expertise. I have been shot at a few times, and don’t judge me, but I like it, don’t know why, just do. English, or writing in general does not exactly hold my attention (still in grade 10, failed all English classes, best mark was 23%, and got 98% in welding, go figure) I don’t usually speak in an accent, but sometimes I sound like Larry the cable guy. So if I butcher the language don’t bitch. I do sound a lot smarter when I write, but trust me, my verbal vocabulary is very small, and composed mostly of swears. So ya, let’s do this bitch. Alright, let’s start this off with a philosophy. Since the beginning of time there has been the ongoing battle of good and evil. In most cases, good conquers evil and all is well. But in extremely rare cases, the power of good is overwhelmed and evil takes hold of a land. Often times this is where good must find an ally, a force that has supremacy over evil, but does not fit the regular definition of good. A force that can fight evil without faltering, a force that is good at heart, but simply is much too corrupted to be considered good. Sometimes, the only thing that can conquer evil, is a different kind of evil. It was just another friday for me, woke up, bussed it to school, sat through both English classes, gave ‘er shit in construction, and bussed ‘er home. I worked away in my garage on a few projects, nothing special, just another lawnmower for some dude. (it was winter! what the fuck?) Finished that right away and decided to check out some pony content. Did that for awhile, and decided to head er to bed early, the next thing I remember was, at the time, the weirdest experience of my life. All around me I started hearing voices, familiar ones, but not ones I ever expected to hear without electronics broadcasting them into my ear, yup, you guessed it, 6 specific female pony voices. They were all speaking at once though, like they were arguing about something. At least I was home alone that weekend, because my first rational thought was to yell “HELLO?” the next thing that happened had me pretty sure I was losing it, Pinkie Pie answered. “hello? Who’s there? Where are you? Are you invisible? OOOH! Are you hiding? Are we playing hide and seek? Are you in here? No. Here? No. Oh, I give up, come on out. OLLIE OLLIE OXEN-FREE!” Since I lost it already, I figured answering wouldn’t hurt. “No Pinkie Pie, I’m not hiding. In fact, I don’t even think we’re on the same planet.” Yup, hundred percent, I’m the first clinically insane brony. At least I’ve got company when I get tossed in the padded room. Twilight was the next to speak. “Alright mister alien, sir, two things. First, how do you know her name? Second, how can we hear each other if you’re on another planet?” Okay, dilemma, should I tell them how many grown men watch them with the focus of a thousand college students, or just condemn myself? Alright, you guys owe me one. “Well, for the first thing, Twilight, let’s just say I’ve been... watching, you and your friends for about a year now. For the second thing, my mind is just as much of a cluster-fuck about this as yours.” They all gasped. Fuck, I offended them, well, the four I gave a damn about, Fluttershy and Rarity could fuck off. But I continued, “Now I’ve got a couple questions, first off, are you all in a private place? Cuz I’d hate to embarrass you all by talking to you. Second, how did you know I’m a dude?” at least one of them answered, but it wasn’t the answer I expected. “Well excuse me, my dear sir, but there is no need for such foul language.” Well, I hated her, but she was right. “Apologies, miss Rarity, I just kind of grew up saying shit like that... I mean... aw shit... ah... fuck... shit... AAAAAAHHHHH!!!” I could tell the four I liked, minus twilight found that amusing judging by the laughing. Then my brain kicked on the accent “Ah’m mighty sorry fr’ that, just sometimes muh brain gets a little... backed up when ah try talk all polite and I forget muh manners, jus give me uh sec.” I took a few deep breaths to clear my thoughts when my favourite pony decided to speak up. “well, ya’ll are sure a funny fella. And to answer yer questions, yes, we are in a private place, and ya’ll jus sound like a buck, so we guessed.” I almost passed out from excitement hearing my all time, never change, ultimate fanboy, most awesome idol address me directly. And of course my brain went straight down the tubes when it came to self-control. “HOLY SWEET FLYIN’ FUCKTRACTORS!!! I’M SPEAKING WITH APPLEJACK!!? HALLUCINATION OR NOT, THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!” Everyone, minus Applejack and myself, exploded in laughter. Rainbow Dash just barely chocked out a thought in between fits. “Hey AJ, looks like you’ve got yourself a fan... BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” right about then my brain kicked back on and I realized what I said. Let’s just say I could have walked through school ass-naked carrying a dick shaped cake and not have been half as embarrassed as I was right then, as for Applejack, she sounded like she just heard she was directly responsible for Equestria’s existence. At least she was doing better than I was, she could speak. “Well... that’s... um... mighty kind of ya’ll to say... ah guess.....” To sum up how I felt for having said that, FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!! It took all of the mental energy I could summon to say the next three words. “Ah’m sorry, Applejack.” Once everyone was settled down, and I could speak, I explained all about earth, humans, our technology, my whole speech thing, and, of course, the my little pony show, the merchandise, and my personal love/fascination with it. You all owe me one; I really took one for the team there. All I left out was the violent half of the human psychology, just a little bit, right? Now it was Fluttershy’s turn to speak. “So, um, you like watching our adventures and learning about friendship?” easy answer eh? “Yes ma’am ah do, but it’s more than that, ah like the idea of a peaceful place, a place where ah don’t need to have a loaded shotgun on the wall beside muh bed in case some jackass decides he wants muh stuff.” Oh crap, I brought up guns. And twilight caught on. Fuck. “Uh, Jens, what’s a shotgun?” “Ah fuck. Well, let’s just say... humans have... well... we’ve made an art out of killing each other.” They all gasped, as I figured they would, but I continued. “And guns are one of our methods, and... they are one of my areas of expertise... and I have a lot of fun with them.” They all gasped, but Pinkie’s gasp was definitely the one that told me I said the wrong thing, and then she got pissed. “YOU KILL OTHER PEOPLE? AND YOU DO IT FOR FUN? THAT IS... SO... YOUARESOMEANIWANTTOKICKYOUINTHEFACEUNTILYOUSTOPMOVINGAND“ “PINKIE PIE!!!” I already felt bad for yelling at one of my favourite ponies, but I couldn’t let her get the wrong idea. Plus, I was sure pinkie would break the fourth wall just to kick my ass, and that sure as shit scared me, so I explained. “I haven’t actually killed another human yet, I use guns for target shooting, hunting, fun stuff.” She didn’t buy it. “What do you mean, you haven’t killed another human yet, but you have killed? When you go hunting?” It was more of a statement, but I explained. “Pinkie, girls, I explained earlier humans eat a lot of meat. Hunting is how some of us get that meat.” Fluttershy spoke up, but she was horrified. “So... um... well...” then she blurted it out. “What do you hunt?” God dammit. Fluttershy wasn’t a pony I liked. But she is a friend of Applejack. And, I guess, she is a nice pony. I didn’t want to answer, and thank fuck my idol saved my ass. “So Jens, tell us more about these guns.” I will tell you now I will never say no to Applejack, but this made that even more concrete. I spent the next few hours explaining all kinds of guns, from muskets to miniguns, and I was just talking about the basics, I could spend days just talking about how an M-1 GARAND works. But about halfway through tracer rounds Twilight stopped me. “well, this is all very fascinating, but I’m afraid it’s getting very late.” I looked at the clock, and my jaw dropped. 3 o’clock. Damn, 6 hours of talking. And then I realised how tired I was. “Oops, uh, yeah. Didn’t notice that. Guess I should get to bed too.” We exchanged goodnights and I was going to get a drink before I passed out when Pinkie decided she had to say one more thing. “Oh, I’m sorry for saying those mean things to you.” I gave an honest reply. “Sorry for pissing you off, and sorry for yelling at you.” After I got a drink I went to go lay on my bed(face down). And, as soon as my body hit the mattress, I felt like I had those phones that vibrate pressed against my entire body while I was being tazered. And, just to make it really suck, my back felt like it was on fire. All I could do was scream. “AAAAAAHHHHHH, FFFFUUUUCCCKKK, SAKES, AAAAAHHH!!!” The last thing I heard was Applejack calling out. “HEY, JENS, ARE YA’LL ALRIGHT!?” Somehow, even passing out, I knew. This wasn’t even getting started. AUTHOR’S NOTE: 1700 words, this is the most I’ve ever done. And there is a whole lot more to come. I hope you guy’s appreciate it. Please let me know what you think. Chapter 1A DIFFERENT KIND OF EVIL MLP:FIM FANFIC WARNING: contains graphic content. So pussies go away. CHAPTER 1: When I came to it wasn’t bad. I didn’t have a headache, I wasn’t hurt, I felt like I always do when I wake up, minus someone poking me in the side. Then I realised I was laying in dirt. Great, I passed out in the garage again. (Yes, my garage has a dirt floor, I aint made o money) oh well, might as well find out who’s poking me. “Aaahhh, fuck, I’m up, whaddya want?” I heard a gasp and the whole night before came flooding back. I still didn’t know who was poking me, so I decided to open my eyes and find out. I really didn’t expect the first thing I saw to be a little orange filly with a curly purple mane and tail. But at least the night before had prepared me for this, and maybe I didn’t lose it just yet. But as soon as I looked at her, my buzz was killed by an ear-splitting shriek, not by scootaloo, but the other two crusaders. Scootaloo just stared at me and looked scared, and that was what made me nervous. If she was too scared to scream, how would everypony else react? How would the only ones who could help me react? I could tell this wasn’t going to end well. Thank all that is fucky that I heard a familiar voice that wasn’t screaming behind me, although it was a scared voice. “Uh... um... J-Jens?” Oh thank fuck, Applejack. “Hey there AJ.” I got up and remembered I was only wearing shorts when I passed out so I looked down to make sure I was at least wearing those. What I saw would have surprised me if I didn’t half expect it. Hooves. Yup, two furry green legs that ended in two green hooves. Then I noticed that my head was a lot lower than normal. Instead of being 6 feet off the deck, it was more like three and a half, maybe four feet. That one didn’t much surprise me. So I turned around to look at Applejack and noticed that walking was actually very natural. No need to focus on moving each independent leg, awesome. When I looked at Applejack her shocked face got even worse. Not good. “Um... Jens... can ya’ll... um... see me?” what? “Yeah, why?” now her face went from being shocked to being almost embarrassed. “Well... your eyes are kind of... funny.” This was either really bad or really good. “What do you mean?” she got up and pointed at a bucket. “Go look.” I did as I was told and was actually surprised at what I saw. I had green eyes, and no pupil. Well, not a black one, it was green too, and shiny. I started to see a pattern happening here, green fur, green hooves, green eyes, and apparently, a green mane, in 2 shades. I looked back and saw I had a short green tail, again, in 2 shades. And my fur was darker around my tail. No, wait, is that? Fabric? I had clothes on? I checked and was most definitely surprised when I saw I was fully clothed. In some kind of... barding? Uniform? Onezie? And I had a vest on, big surprise, it was green. But it had pouches on it. Not pockets, pouches. Then it donned on me, I was wearing a tactical vest. And it was thick. Holy shit, I recognised this, it was a dragon skin Kevlar vest, set up with MOLLE webbing, six STANAG mag pouches, (for those of you less educated in guns, a STANAG magazine is what you’d find in an M4/M16 variant) about a dozen 40mm grenade pouches, six down each side, five hand grenade pouches, a fabric knife sheath, a polymer knife scabbard, a handgun holster, two short handgun mag pouches, and two really long handgun mag pouches, like what you’d use for a 30 round glock magazine. And to top it all off, an admin pouch with my custom made ID patch. so that’s how she knew who I was. the black lettering read: Jens KRISTIANSEN, 1ST BTN”A” COMPANY, FIRST EQUESTRIAN ARMY. Whoever did this had access to my shit, and must have really studied it, because all the pouches, everything, was exactly where I liked for my airsoft loadout.(yes, I carry a knife when I play airsoft. Just for special circumstances, like my bag getting caught on a tree) the only differences between this stuff and my personal vest were that everything seemed to be made of Kevlar, and the vest had actual ballistic properties. Someone had set me up to go to war. Not good, at least not for Equestria. Sometime when I was examining myself, Applejack got bored and now she decided to try and talk to me. ”so, Jens, aint humans supposed to have something other than hooves?” “Yup, but I don’t think I’m human. At least not right now, let me try somethin’.” It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know guns plus hooves equals don’t work, so, based on my knowledge of fanfics, I guessed I should be able to turn human again. So I stood up on my hind legs, and thought human. I saw a flash, and before you know it, I was standing on my feet, in all my 6 foot tall, brown hair, brown eyed awesomeness. Fully dressed I might add, steel-toe boots included. Applejack jumped, and the crusaders screamed. “Whoa Nelly, Ah’m guessin’ that is what ya’ll are s’posed ta look like.” “Aeyup, purdy much. Still tryin’ ta figure out how ah got these here clothes on though, and why the pouches on muh vest are empty.” She blushed, and replied. “well... me an the girls kinda took ya’ll’s guns away, in case ya’ll wasn’t in a good mood when ya got up.” Understandable, considering I told her- WAIT! I had guns? “um, Applejack, I didn’t even know I had guns, do ya think you could let me see them, just to make sure they’re unloaded and safe?” “they’re in mah barn, along with the other stuff ya’ll showed up with.” I HAD OTHER SHIT?! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! “Other stuff?” she didn't look surprised to hear that. “ya, ya’ll kind of crashed right here and all kinds of weird boxes and cans and bags and crates landed around here.” Well fuck, just what all did I have? She continued. “and about an hour ago, just after sunset-“ “don’t ya mean sunrise Applejack? It’s daylight out.” She looked really confused. “what are ya’ll talkin about? It’s dark as the inside of mah apple cellar out here.” Right on, I had night vision, that explains the eyes, AJ must have thought the same thing, judging by her suddenly understanding look, but she continued. “Anyway, just after sunset these really strange carts showed up, they’re back at mah barn too, they look like those “cars” ya’ll told me about, but one has some kind of cart behind it. And they were really hard to pull.” I couldn’t help but giggle. “well ya, they weigh like four thousand pounds.” I looked at the crusaders; they looked impressed, at Applejack. I guessed pounds were a recognised unit of weight in Equestria. I kind of felt weird that nopony was acting scared anymore, considering I just turned into a six foot tall, bipedal creature. But I guess I should consider that a good thing, or not, maybe their minds were too far gone now to register fear. Applejack seemed to notice how crowded I felt and decided to give me a little room. “well, it’s way past bedtime for these youngins, best get em to bed.” They all complained, but AJ gave them a glare and they all seemed to get the hint. As they left, she turned to me. “ya’ll better come too, ya know, to check on yer stuff and all.” I was all too happy to listen, but my brain was with me. “ya, just one sec.” I went to go down on all fours and thought pony, it worked. Thank fuck. On the walk I couldn’t help but notice something tugging at my side, just under my last rib, about a third of the way down from my spine. I looked beside me at Applejack, she was staring at me giggling. “ya know, you might be considerin’ tuckin’ yer wings in.” Wings?... wait? I looked back at my side and said the first thing that came to mind. “holy shit I’m a Pegasus, fucken rights.” AJ giggled again, I looked at my outstretched wings for a second and folded them up against my side, that felt better, and again, it felt really natural, I bet I could fly easily. Applejack started walking closer to me, I figured it was because I could see where I was going, she almost walked into three trees, and then she started to ask questions. “So Jens, do ya’ll really like me, like, as much as ya seemed to the other day?” how long was I out? “yes ma’am.” “so, can ah ask why?” crap. Well, here goes nothin’. “well, it’s a long story Applejack.” “long walk, ya’ll landed on the farthest part of mah farm.” I was really hoping to avoid this, but fuck it. All or nuthin’. “Okay, fine.” I decided it would be better to stop her, sit her down, and look her in the eye. I did so, but I had to ask first. “do ya think the girls will be okay by themselves?” she was a quick reply. “oh yeah, mah lil sis knows her way around this farm as good as ah do.” Okay, so we had time. “alright Applejack, brace yourself. I don’t know how to sugar-coat this, so I won’t.” My accent kicked in. Great, I spilled my feelings sounding like Larry the cable guy. “Ah love ya Applejack, ah think ya’ll are the smartest, kindest, bravest, toughest, cutest, most honest, most loveable, most perfect girl of any species. E’rry time ah see ya, ah feel like muh whole life, E’rry bad thing ah ever had to go through, was way more n worth it jus ta see yer face. Ah have a picture of ya next to muh bed, (too far? Nah.) It’s the first thing ah look at when ah get up, an’ the last thing before ah go ta sleep. When ah passed out b’fore ah came here, ah was starin’ at it, cuz it made the pain hurt less. Ah-.” Applejack shoved a hoof in my mouth; her face was as red as the ribbons she ties her hair with. She stared at me for a sec, that thing ponies seem to be able to do with their irises, change the size and such, hers were as big as her eyes, and her eyes looked like they were about to pop out of their heads, and, were those? Tears? Once she figured out I stopped talking, she took the hoof out of my mouth. (Weird observation, her hoof tasted like dirt, big surprise.) We kind of just stared at each other for a few minutes, before Applejack broke the silence. “ya’ll think Ah’m... pretty?...” “well yeah, didn’t ya hear me?” she took a second to answer, but her answer really surprised me. “but... Ah’m not a pretty pony. Rarity is a-“ it was my turn to shove a hoof in a mouth. “no Applejack, she isn’t.” I removed my hoof from her mouth and continued. “Jackie, Rarity spends insane amounts of time, energy, an’ money on just her hair. You, you don’t even need to try and you look incredible. That’s one of the things ah love about ya, when ya go outside an’ present yerself to the world, yer Applejack the pony, not Applejack the makeup doll.” She looked like she was about to cry, so I decided it was time to continue on our walk. Right after she stood up, she asked. “so, what do ya’ll think makes me look pretty?” I’ll spare you the page-long rant on that and just say I covered everything from her mane and tail, to the curves of her body (and seeing her face to face, let me tell ya, she had some freakin’ sexy curves) anyway, by the time I was done even she could make out the details of her barn. “well, here we are.” “very nice.” Yay, my accent went away. “so... are ya’ll gonna need a place to sleep?” “nah, I’m pretty sure I’ve been sleeping for a few days.” She looked at me funny. “yer pretty sure?” “well, how long ago did I talk to you and your friends?” “about three days ago.” Holy fuck, good nap. “Well that’s how long I’ve been out.” She looked at me almost horrified. “WHOAH! Ya’ll must be starvin’.” Now that I thought about it, I was. “ya know what, I could use some water, but no food until I see those guns, and that other crap. I bet one of those crates has some food in it anyway.” “alright, right this way.” She showed me into the barn, after I went back to being human, and my jaw hit the floor. Inside was a humvee, with a 2 axle closed in trailer, about 20 feet long. And a truck. Not just a regular pickup either. A 79 ford f-350 crew cab 6x6, not a common beast. Most definitely custom made judging by the Rockwell axles, the 54 inch super swampers, the giant deck, and the stacks coming out behind the cab. In the corner was about a dozen wooden crates, about two feet wide, two tall, and four long. On top of those were ammo boxes, of all different kinds, 5.56, 7.62, linked and unlinked, one kind I could tell were for M2 .50 caliber machine guns, there were about a dozen of those. That was impressive, but what almost scared me were the other ones, there were about two-dozen of those, and they were for MARK-19 automatic grenade launchers, a gun which I only had the pleasure of shooting once, 96 rounds, but still, I had only needed to see this gun shoot once to make it one of my favourites. Whatever I needed this kind of firepower for, it was gonna be bad. Then she showed me the guns and equipment I had on me. I had an M16 A2, with an m203 and the appropriate sights and handguard. For those less educated, Scarface’s gun. A glock 18, grenades, an M9 bayonet, and, the creepy part, my knife. As in the one I made myself out of 440 stainless. Yup, someone had access to my shit. Applejack came in with a pitcher of water and a letter, then yawned. She looked funny when she was tired. “this was on one of the boxes, hope it helps.” She paused, then yawned again “ah’ma hit the hay, see ya’ll in the mornin’.” The fact that she trusted me enough to leave me alone in a barn full of weapons was almost comforting. I decided to read the letter and clean my guns after. I opened it and read it. Jens, first things first. No, the vehicles will not run out of fuel. (WHOOOO!!!) Batteries don’t run out, and if you use something from the one of the crates, close it, wait 5 seconds and reopen it, it will be full again, same goes for the ammo boxes, maybe alternate between two or three and you should have unlimited ammo. (GET SOME!!!) We don’t know why it’s like that, but it is. Second, we are sorry this had to happen. I’m not. Your family has been told you volunteered to participate in a military experiment where you will be sent to the Antarctic to train as an extreme cold warrior, but you probably guessed that’s not the case. To be honest, we can’t tell you why you’re here, just that Equestria needs you. (Great, no mission, but big firepower). As far as that goes, we know you don’t mind fighting for it. (Very true.) But we should tell you that this was a one way trip. You WILL be here the rest of your life. (Let me explain my feelings in two words. YEEEEEEEE HAWWWWW!!!) we don’t know how you feel about that but that’s the way it is. Also, you probably figured out your new body already, you’re a smart guy right? (Sometimes.) Just so you know, we can’t give you advice on that because we don’t know how it works, just that it works. And we will be contacting you; there is a voice recorder/radio in one of the crates, on the top there is a little red light, if it is blinking, push play to hear the message, if you want to send a message, or if you need something, hold record, say whatever you need to say, and release, easy. We know what we forced you to give up back home, so we will do our best to make sure you’re happy. Whatever you need, just ask. Hope you don’t mind, but we took the liberty of changing your DNA a bit. (Not cool whoever you are. But now I know where I was for 3 days) You are very well built now. Bigger, stronger, faster. You heal quicker; you probably already figured out the night vision, best get some sunglasses on. (Great, I’m the six million dollar pony.) And we both know you’re gonna be trying to get laid constantly so, we should mention a few things about pony anatomy. First, ponies do have sex for pleasure, so their reproductive organs are pretty much the same as humans. The whole body is sensitive like that, but there are some key pleasure centres, the obvious one, the back, chest, stomach, neck, ears, cutie marks, on pegasi the wings(leading edge is extremely sensitive, like only one other part.) the tongue, and some ponies like getting their hair pulled. (Great, I’m getting sex advice from a stranger who kidnapped me. But good notes, tongue everything except the legs, sides, face and hooves.) And one more thing, we saw to it that you were... better equipped than most ponies. (So they pissed around with my DNA, no harm no foul.) You ARE a Pegasus, so you’d better learn to fly, if you don’t know already. One last thing, your family sends your stuff and good wishes. I stuffed the letter, which made me smile like Pinkie Pie at the grand galloping gala, in a pocket. I decided to clean my guns. I’ll spare you that but this is important, at least to anyone familiar with guns, when I got it open and started cleaning I made a huge discovery. The barrel was chrome-lined, The bolt carrier had something instead of a gas key, there was a strike plate for a short stroke piston, and a super stiff action spring. That’s right boys, a piston-driven A2. To people not familiar with guns, that pretty much means that the reliability and ease of maintenance of the gun in harsh conditions tripled. An M16 that don’t jam, that’s a real golden gun. And it was now gonna be my primary weapon. Once I got that done I decided to look in the crates. I almost fainted. I found, in order, two browning M2A1 machine guns with spare barrels, one MK19 with a few more ammo boxes in with it, two M-60 machine guns with ammo and barrels, that radio, three crates full of all kinds of ammo, a crate full of assault rifles, from Canadian C7s to German G36s, two crates full of engine parts, a crate full of my stuff from home (one little crate held it all) a crate full of all kinds of armor, helmets, personal communication equipment, pouches for all kinds of mags, and a few gun scabbards. (the equipment crate) and, most awesomely, the last crate had in it, my three favourite guns of all time, an Auto Assault-12 (yeah, I got an AA12, sweet!) a Barrett M-107A1 with a standard Barrett muzzle brake, and a Mossberg 590A1 special purpose, 20 inch barrel, 10 shot mag, collapsible pistol-grip stock, Eotech, all the stuff I loved. Finally figured out why I had that bayonet. (Yeah, one of my favourite guns is a cheap-o pump action, bite me) someone in high places liked me. I was fucking beaming. Applejack came in sometime during my inspection of my crap. she must have seen my expression because she started giggling. “so, ya’ll are impressed?” I just nodded, and then she added. “Well, three crates broke open; those small steel boxes were from a small one, like the others, and those big boxes are from a really big crate, ah don’t think we could have moved it if it stayed in one piece.” Okay, that was two, “what about the third?” “These were in it.” She reached behind the stack and held up a military-grade MRE in her mouth. Yay, I got munchies. “Whaft ishh fishh?” she dropped it, and looked up at me. “that, Applejack, is the breakfast of champions.” I completely forgot about the pitcher of water. I almost chugged the whole thing, minus what I needed for the heater pack and the included drinks, all three of them. Once it was all cooked I went back to being a pony, somehow using my one hoof to hold the food (spaghetti and meat sauce) and the other to use the spoon. I didn’t care why it worked, as long as it worked. Once I was done that Applejack asked me. “hey, what’s yer cutie mark look like?” I was as curious as she was so I proceeded to strip and got a sudden shot of shyness. “could ya give me some privacy please?” she took off her hat and threw it on a hay bale. She looked good without her hat on. “there, ah took mah clothin’ off, now...” she walked right up and looked me in the eye, inches away from my face. “strip for me.” She had to say it in a sexy tone too, god dammit. I froze standing straight up. My eyes were wide open but my irises were barely there they were so small. Then I heard a pomf and instantly Applejack started laughing her ass off, I already knew I had a wingboner, hell I felt it, so I decided to think about her sexy, little, toned, ass. When she got control of her laughter she spoke up. “alright now, ya’ll know ah didn’t mean it like that.” “sure sounded like it.” She blushed. “well, either way, clothes off.” Was she flirting with me? I wished she was. “fine.” I got out of my clothes. And noticed Applejack was staring at me. I kicked on the accent (I can do it by choice sometimes, it takes less brain power) “ya’ll see somethin’ interestin’?” she got shocked out of her trance. “Uhhh... no, ah just... didn’t expect ya’ll to be... well...” just then Big Macintosh opened the barn door. As soon as he did I went blind, and my eyes burned like the fires of a thousand hells. I hit the floor with a loud BANG and put my forehooves over my eyes. The whole time I was screaming “FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!” I will never be able to thank Applejack enough for slamming the door. Then her and Big Macintosh came running over and helped me up. “are ya’ll alright, Jens?” I looked at her with a face that said well yeah, I just hit the floor screamin’, I’m fine. “Yeah, ah just need to get muh sunglasses on.” Big Mac looked confused until I looked at him. I think seeing my eyes was enough for him to piece it together. He was really smarter than he looked. And I noticed that I was bigger than him. Not taller, well, maybe two inches, but bigger, like, kick his ass and smoke a cigar bigger. Right on. I found my glasses I got out of the crate of my shit, big surprise, they were green aviators. I must be the camo pony. But they were as dark as welding goggles. Hell, that’s what I used them for. So they would do nicely. Big Mac decided to take his leave right about then. Still don’t know why. Applejack was leaving too but I stopped her. “Hey, AJ.” She looked at me. “Yeah?” I grabbed her hat off the hay bale and plopped it on her head. She smiled up at me. I was definitely bigger than her, but she could still kick my ass. She is the ultimate pony. “What were ya gonna say before yer brother came in?” she got a huge blush on, and closed the door. “well, ya’ll looked really... excited there.” I just looked at her confused. She continued. “like... excited, excited” I just blinked, I am such a dumbass. “ya had more than a “wing” boner Jens.” OH... fuck. My turn to blush. “so... why were ya’ll... staring...” I was determined to make her cheeks explode. “well... ah... um... just found it... interestin, is all...” I hit the floor laughing. She got mad and went to leave. ”wait, AJ, ah didn’t mean to laugh, come on.” She looked at me blankly, then said “what.” She was pissed. “Ah’m sorry, ah just never heard a girl say “interestin” when she meant somethin else.” “An what’s THAT s’posed to mean?” I really didn’t want to say it, because I knew she would never walk with her ass facing me again. But I had to now. “well, when ah think of... well... yer ass, ah don’ think ah would use interestin’ t’ describe it.” She looked even more pissed, and started walking towards me. I started backing up. “And what would you use?” she broke her accent. Tread carefully so as to avoid a beating. “Well...” “I’m waitin’.” This wasn’t going to end well. “uhm...” she was getting close. Think of something. Too late. She had me backed against a wall, standing on my hind legs, and she was still inching closer. “Jens, what word would you use to describe my ass.” I looked down and closed my eyes, waiting for the beating. Then the best surprise ever happened. She grabbed my head, turned me to face her, pulled my sunglasses off, and kissed me. My eyes shot open and my pupils were once again the size of a pencil, in eyes as big around as a coffee cup. She moved her hooves from my head to my chest, and started pushing. Holy fuck did that feel good. Then she started pushing with her tongue, I took the hint and opened my mouth. The fics are right, she tastes like apples. I closed my eyes and started moving my tongue around, but my body was still frozen. All I could think was is this really happening? We played with each other’s tongues a bit before she broke the kiss and looked at me, smiling. “ya’ll didn’t really think ah’d beat ya fer that, did ya?” I nodded and she chuckled. “who’s a silly pony?” she took her hooves off my chest and I slid down the wall. My back hit the floor with a graceless thud, and my head was propped up on the wall. She laughed and walked on top of me. Standing over me she said “ya’ll can touch me, ya know. Ah aint kissin’ a doll, am ah?” I got control of my body, reached up, and pulled her in for another kiss. She was all too happy to oblige. Just before I kissed her I said “perfect.” I started to kiss her but she pushed away. “what?” I chuckled “the word ah use to describe your ass, perfect. Kind of an understatement but it’s all ah can think of.” She took her hat off again and gave me a naughty smile. “well, how’d ya like a better look.” I just groaned “mmmm hmmm.” She chuckled. “alright, but no touching, clear?” I saluted. “Yes ma’am” She stood up, turned around, and picked up her tail. The way my head was tilted, I could see everything. Her cutie marks, her incredible, well toned, cheeks. The base of her tail. Her butthole, which was orange, and really clean. (Greasy, I know. But still, she takes good care of herself.) Her pink, velvety wetness. Everything. WAIT! She was wet? I was getting her wet!? AWESOME!!! “ya’ll like what ya see? Ah sure do.” What? “What do ya mean, Jackie?” she looked back at me, and moved back a bit. I could smell her now, it was intoxicating. I was having a hard time not grabbing her and diving my face right in. Applejack broke my trance after a second. “Well, ya’ll aint looking too bad down there yourself.” I almost jumped. I didn’t even feel my boner until she mentioned it. I hadn’t even actually seen it since I was in my room. And now I had a bigger problem. Well, not bigger. (BA-DUM, TSHHH) But in all seriousness, I hadn’t used the bathroom in three, maybe four days. There goes my fun. “Uhm... Jackie?” she looked at me, but not because I spoke. “Jens, is there a problem?” I just gave her a one-word answer. “Bathroom.” Applejack showed me around the side of her barn. We were both disappointed, But Applejack found a silver lining. “at least ya’ll just needed ta use the bathroom. When ya’ll started ta get soft, ah was worried ya’ll saw somethin’ wrong with me.” I laughed. “Jackie, I use perfect to describe more about ya then yer ass.” That seemed to cheer her up, and seeing her smile made me feel better too. She pointed to an outhouse. “there ya go, have at er.” I finished up in there and went back outside. Applejack was waiting. Almost creepy. “mah friends are here, they wanna meet ya.” Crap. “Awww, no more fun?” she laughed, then walked up and kissed me. “We can tell em ya took awhile.” I was beaming again; even through my sunglasses applejack could see the excitement in my eyes. She had to kill my buzz. “But jus’ a couple o minutes. Or they’ll come lookin’ fer us.” She brought my buzz back to life when she tackle-kissed me. She was a horny little one. After a couple minutes Applejack got off of me. “we’d better go.” My buzz died again, but she was right. As we rounded the corner of her house, I saw her friends. All five of them. They were sitting on a nice shady patch of grass. I stopped. Applejack looked at me. “Jackie, if I run, please don’t try and stop me.” She understood. Her friends had a history of overreacting and causing trouble for other ponies. “ah’ll chase ya, and if we’re alone ah’ll pin ya down and kiss ya, but ah understand. If mah friends are around ah’ll let ya get away.” She poked me with a hoof. “and ya’ll don’t call me Jackie around other ponies.” I gave her a dramatic salute. She giggled. We started walking again and I stated “and so begins mah first day in Equestria.” Chapter 2A DIFFERENT KIND OF EVIL MLP:FIM FANFIC CHAPTER 2: So, to do a quick recap of the last 12 hours I was conscious. I had a 6 hour conversation with the coolest living things in the universe. Woke up as a green Pegasus with Riddick eyes, Met my all time ultimate hero Applejack, Confessed my feelings for her within an hour of first meeting her (goddam I work fast), became the owner of an ultimate 6x6 pickup truck, a humvee, and an arsenal that would put Rambo to shame, found out I was selected and genetically modified to (I’m guessing) become an equestrian super soldier, made out with Applejack (TWICE!!!) and, possibly, almost got laid. And now I was going to meet the other 3 ponies I adored (not as much as Applejack, but pretty dam close.) Talk about the ultimate buzz. I could have stepped on a landmine and still would be grinning like an idiot. Applejack was leading me to where her friends were when she stopped me and gave me a serious look. “Jens, don’t tell em that ah... advanced on ya. Don’t even hint on it, alright.” I understood, we only knew each other for 6 hours but we were making out like we’d been dating for months. (like I care) That, and I was only, I guess, half pony. “I promise, they will never know.” I gave her a sly grin “on one condition, I get a closer look later.” Sometimes I could be such a douche. “Done, but ah want a better look too then.” We both laughed and continued walking. I couldn’t believe my wings were still folded at my sides, or that my... manhood... didn’t make a huge bulge in my clothes. (forgot to mention I put them back on) Her friends could see us now but we were still out of earshot if we were quiet. I leaned towards her. “I said a closer look.” We were both blushing a little bit but you wouldn’t be able to tell unless you were a foot away. “Ya’ll got a dirty mind.” I decided to drop the subject since we were too close now to guarantee they wouldn’t hear us. We walked the rest of the way with no words, but big smiles. Applejack was the first to speak. “Howdy gals.” Rainbow Dash answered first. “Hey AJ, who’s your coltfreind?” I couldn't help myself. I hit the ground laughing. Applejack looked embarrassed, then mad. “He aint mah coltfreind!” I knew she was lying, just a little. “Gals, you already kind of know him.” She looked at me. “Show em’.” I took off my sunglasses; it didn’t hurt or blind me when I was expecting it, I could actually see better without them, still gonna wear em though. They all looked shocked, but weren’t freaking out. I decided to step it up a notch. I stood up on my hind legs and changed into a human. They all shrieked, Fluttershy fucked off, and Rainbow Dash went after her. I walked over to Twilight, who fell on her back and was staring at me in horror. This was the reaction I expected. I held out my hand and said “pleasure to meet ya, Twilight.” She seemed to realize who I was and shook my hand. After I helped her up I walked over to Pinkie Pie, almost went crazy and tackle-hugged her (I hold a few ponies very close to Applejack in regards to adoration.) and held out my hand again. “Hi Pinkie Pie” she grabbed my hand and shook it really hard, at the same time she said “Hi! I never, ever thought I would get to meet an alien. Wow, can you change into anything, or just a pony? Are you here to study us and show us a whole bunch of other planets?” she let go of my hand and I pulled the letter out of my pocket. I noticed Rainbow Dash coming back with a much calmer looking Fluttershy. “To answer your first question, Pinkie, I’m pretty sure it’s just human or pony for me.” I handed her the letter. “This should answer your second question.” Then I went on to introduce myself to Rarity. “ma’am.” I didn’t really want to converse with her. The feeling was mutual. ”sir.” I walked over to Rainbow Dash, almost losing it again, and held out a fist. (Figured she was to cool for a hand/hoof shake, I was right.) “What’s up?” she brohoofed me (sweet) “so, what’s with the eyes?” she got right to the point. “Ah guess it’s jus’ some kind of vision enhancement deal” and my accent is in full swing, great. “Really? Cool.” “Yeah, ah guess it is.” I moved my face really close to hers and looked in her eyes. “They look badass?” she started backing up. “Yeah, just warn me before you do that, it’s kind of scary.” Just what I was going fo- WAIT! “Are they still like that?” “Yeah.” Crap. Kind of hoped they would go away when I went human. Meh, fuck it. “so, do ya think...” I could tell she was trying to think of something to say. Then a thought popped into my head. “Would ya’ll be more comfortable if I was a pony again?” Fluttershy spoke up. “Yes, please.” Almost forgot about her. I figured I should introduce myself properly, so I turned back into my awesome Pegasus half and did so. “Hello, pleasure to meet ya.” I held out my hoof and she gave it a quick shake, she was still nervous, but I expected worse. This was going well. It wasn’t until after Pinkie read the letter and handed it (hoofed it?) to Twilight that I realized that the letter contained personal sexual content, but it was too late to stop it, so I let everypony read it, Applejack last. It seemed that after everypony read it they had a mix of sadness and shock on their faces. I could guess where the shock came from but the sadness I didn’t understand until after Applejack read it. “So... ya’ll are here... forever?” I don’t think any of them expected my answer to be so happy. “Yup, ultimate score for this guy.” I was still beaming. It never really sunk in that I would never see the few people I did like back home. Twilight got a look of concern on her face. “and this doesn’t bother you? At all?” if she was trying to kill my buzz she failed miserably. “nope. Why would it? By the sound o that there letter muh biggest dream came true.” Twilight seemed to remember our not so little conversation. “well, don’t you have anyone at home you care about? Anyone who might miss you?” I fake-thought of it for a sec, tapping a hoof to my chin. “Hmmm... Nah.” They all seemed shocked at that one, so I explained. “ah ain’t exactly liked where ah live. Mostly cuz ah tend to shoot at people who try to steal my stuff. And there are a lot.” They all gasped. I didn’t even have a chance to notice the pink blur coming my way. Then everything went black... again. -- I wasn’t out for more than a minute. But when I came to Pinkie Pie was still pummelling my ass screaming “I’LL TEACH YOU TO HURT OTHERS!!!” her friends were trying to pull her off me, not really succeeding. If anyone ever thought ponies can’t punch, they are retarded. A Pinkie Pie punch is ten times worse than any human punch, no matter how tough they are. And she kept on delivering them as fast as she could. And I didn’t fight back, for two reasons. First, I couldn’t, she was sitting on my throat and somehow her hind legs had my forelegs pinned straight up, beside my head. Second, I didn’t want to, she is Pinkie Pie, she does what she wants. Plus, I didn’t mind the view. No, I couldn’t see there. But I could see everything above that. She was incredibly hot. As soon as I met her face to face, she got rocketed up to share the spotlight with Applejack as my favourite pony.(I’ll admit, Rainbow Dash was brought up there too) She had almost the same curves as Applejack, but hers were softer. I snapped out of that trance when I was out of air. Then I started fighting back, if not to survive then to enjoy that view a few seconds longer, feel her fur against me. Pony fur is not at all like earth critters. It is like soft velvet, like what you’d find in really expensive plushies. Soft, smooth, inviting. CONFOUND THESE PONIES, they drive me into trances. NOW I started fighting back. It was actually pretty easy once I got my hooves free. I just grabbed hers and (gently) pushed her off of me. After a quick tussle I had her in a kind of hug. Holding her hooves so I would at least have a chance to say something. “Woah, woah, woah. Ah never hit anyone. Ah would never do that. Why would ya even think that? Ah was jus tryin’ to scare em. They stole all muh stuff more than once, they ain’t gonna stop unless they think ah’ll kill em if they come near me or muh stuff again. Do ya know how hard it is to make friends when everyone only looks at what they can steal. For fuck sakes, I never even really had a girlfriend. They all just wanted inside my house.” I don’t know why I told her that. At least my accent went away. She was still trying to kick my ass, and she most definitely didn’t believe me. I needed a card to play. Something to at least get her to listen. What I came up with was definitely not a good idea. I let go of her hooves, and braced myself. She had me on the ground again instantly. But she didn’t hit me. When I opened my eyes she looked almost sad. “You never dated a girl?” all of them looked at me almost sad. Apparently romance was a big thing in Equestria. I shrunk. “no.” She looked surprised, then whispered in my ear. “We know about you and Applejack, Applebloom told us.” Applejack heard that, she took off towards the house yelling “Applebloom! Get out here ya little spy!” Everypony else started laughing. Applebloom was going to have a bad day. Far as I was concerned, she deserved it. As soon as everypony calmed down, and Applejack came back. We all sat in an awkward silence for a while. I sat against a tree and took my vest off, it was hot even in the shade, the barding was okay though. Then Applejack made my day even better. She scooted right up close and leaned against me. “Since ya’ll know, ah’ll jus settle in here.” I wrapped a hoof, and a wing around her. I had them, might as well use them. She nuzzled my neck. Christ, everything felt awesome. I pulled her onto my stomach and into a hug, using hooves and wings. One thing about being a big pony. (I had about a foot on her standing on all fours) It is kind of awkward being intimate. She was laying on my chest, forehooves between my shoulders, hindhooves on my stomach, and using my neck as a pillow. At least we would be able to make out if we were doing it, I was a little worried about that. Still, all I could do was squeeze her tighter and smile. Twilight needed a distraction. “So... I guess I should write princess Celestia about you. She may want to know you are here.” I would have jumped if Applejack wasn’t pinning me down with her sexy body. “No, not Celestia.” Given what I know about her, what with sending her sister to the moon and turning discord into stone, it would be bad for her to know first. Twilight seemed to get where I was going. “Princess Luna then?” “Yup, Luna.” -- After Twilight, Rarity, and Fluttershy left, promising to meet us at sugarcube corner for lunch, the rest of us hung out for a bit, getting to know each other better. I explained my inherent redneckism to Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash. My accent worked its way back in sometime during the explanation. I’ll spare you the speech and just give the last two sentences. “so yeah, it’s not like ah’m the only one who shoots at them thieves, or jumps cars into lakes, or gets drunk and blows somethin’ up. Ah just do it better.” Then Rainbow Dash asked about something I completely forgot about. “So what’s your cutie mark look like?” Applejack seemed to remember my reaction earlier and tried to do it again. “Ya’ll heard her Jens, strip for us.” -- I still don’t know if she was trying to embarrass me, or get me and her friends wound up. But she accomplished both. My wings shot straight out, along with a certain other part of my body. After Applejack got off of me, laughing her pretty little ass off, I stripped. But I was on to her. I flexed every muscle I could, took my time so they would get the best look they could. All three of them started hooting and hollering and whistling. I admit it; I liked being their male stripper. Hell, who wouldn’t, some of the shit they said I will never repeat, but I still grin when I think about it. After that was done I got my first good look at it. Rebel flag with a bullet under it. Sweet. Rainbow Dash was the first to stop staring at it looking confused and spoke. “what does it mean?” I thought of the best way to put it. “That there is the official flag of the redneck, makes sense, considerin ah’m a crazy ass hayul-billie. (I spell it as I pronounce it) and the other thing is a bullet, ah’m guessin that’s got somethin to do with my skills with guns.” They all seemed satisfied, so I went to put my clothes back on, but before I could Pinkie Pie stopped me. “Wait, you should leave it off.” I just looked at her. “Why?” Pinkie Pie blushed. “You look... better without it.” I was border line on a heart attack from excitement. These ponies could kill me with words. “Pinkie Pie, are ya’ll hittin on me?” Applejack started glaring at Pinkie. “Pinkie Pie, why are ya’ll hittin on Jens. Ah already called him!” It was my turn to sound offended, I wasn’t. I was actually glad I heard that. It meant I had a chance with Applejack. “What do ya mean ‘called him’?” Applejack looked sorry. “Ah just... wanted ya’ll to... be mah... first, um... buck?” my eyes were as big as they could get. Rainbow Dash collapsed on her back laughing, And Pinkie Pie looked like she was about to. It took a few seconds before I could speak, and I couldn’t speak well. “ya mean... ya’ll want to... with me?...” she got the point. “Um... y-yeah ah do. Didn’t ya’ll get the hint when ah kissed ya?” Rainbow Dash suddenly stopped laughing and stood up. “Woah there AJ, you just met this guy. What are you thinking? He could be here to destroy Equestria or something.” Okay, now I was offended. “Hey, come on, sittin right here.” “Well, how do we know you aren’t?” I knew how to handle that. I walked over to Applejack, looked into her eyes, leaned in, and gave her a deep, long, passionate kiss. After about 10 or 15 seconds I broke the kiss and stared into her eyes again. “Applejack, we met six hours ago, and you still know me better than anyone else. Do you think I’m here to do bad things?” I really didn’t expect her answer. “yup.” I just stared at her. She was smiling. “ah expect ya’ll to do some really bad things.” I was about to speak when she continued. “ah expect ya’ll to do some really bad, evil, dirty things... with me.” Rainbow and Pinkie started shifting stares between me and Applejack. I lost control of my wings. POMF! All my mind was capable of doing was making every muscle in my body tense up. I stood there like a statue. Then returned to heart attack alert when Applejack finished. “And, if ya’ll are a good buck, and ya want to, ah’ll let ya go out with Pinkie Pie too. and” Pinkie almost broke the sound barrier on her way over to me, and probably almost broke a leg stopping. Then she kissed me. Nothing big, just a quick peck on the cheek. That was it. I remember starting to tip, but I was out before I hit the ground. They were probably laughing their asses off. -- When I woke up this time I jumped to my hooves. “Did ah just faint?” Everypony was still laughing. But Rainbow Dash had to rub it in more. “Wow, you are so easy to knock out.” “No fair, I got a sexy overdose.” They all stopped laughing. Then I was on my back again. I didn’t mind, because Applejack and Pinkie Pie had their faces millimetres away from mine. And they both made me almost explode with the looks. Just like that seductive Pinkie Pie look, only on purpose, and WAY sexier. Then they started rubbing my wings. I don’t think there are words to describe what that felt like, but I’ll try. Every single little movement of their hooves felt like an orgasm, and they were massaging my wings. They were only using one hoof but it could have been twenty, I didn’t care, I was in heaven, and they were barely doing anything. I don’t know how long they were doing that, but at some point my body completely relaxed and started moving involuntarily, my eyes crossed, and I started moaning. It was all I could do, and I couldn’t stop it. Nothing else existed but the three of us. Then, as if every god everywhere was smiling on me, I felt somepony kiss me, and I kissed back. But it didn’t taste like Applejack, and wasn’t as soft as I expected Pinkie Pie to be. Whoever it was, she tasted like skittles. Then my brain kicked into a gear I didn’t know it had. My eyes straightened out, my whole body went rigid again, and everything I thought I knew about happy was destroyed. It was Rainbow Dash who was kissing me. Of course my natural reaction was to make an ass of myself. I started crawling backwards as fast as I could, out from under them and headfirst into a tree. I was down again. Not out, just down. I couldn’t get up, but I could speak. “Are. You. Fucking. Serious!?” they all started giggling. Then Dash replied. “Well no, we just randomly start kissing and rubbing half-ponies we just met all the time.” Okay, that was kind of rude considering she probably made me give myself a concussion. “Alright, I appreciate that. You have no idea how much, but I have to ask, why?” Pinkie Pie jumped right into my face and told me. “Because, silly, you needed it.” I was confused beyond all belief. “So, the three of you gang-raped me because you think I needed it?” they started giggling again. After what just happened their giggles sounded sexier for some reason. “Are ya’ll sayin’ ya didn’t like it?” I was almost offended. “Of course I did. I mean, I REALLY did. But we just met, and where I come from you don’t just kiss someone you just met, much less gang-whatever-you-did them, and you most definitely don’t do that to a different species.” They all seemed to get my point, but Pinkie Pie is, as we all know, incredibly awesome at whatever it is she does. “Well, you look like a pony, walk like a pony, and talk like a pony. You react the same as any other Pegasus pony when you get your wings rubbed. No, you react better. You get all moany, and squirmy, and you get ditzy-doo eyes. (name confirmed) as far as we’re concerned, you are a pony.” I managed to stand up and looked her in those beautiful blue eyes. “You have no idea how honoured I am to hear that, you sexy little cotton-candy ball.” I have no idea where that came from. She tackled me again and started kissing me, hard. She tasted like cotton candy too? Sweet. I wrapped her in my hooves and wings and went to town. It didn’t take long before I was on top and was pinning her down, still tongue wrestling with her. Applejack and Rainbow Dash just had to kill the buzz I thought would never die by pulling me off of her. To put it simply, we were both pissed about that. But we had shit to do, And Applejack wanted to talk to me. She excused us and pulled me aside. “Jens, two things. First, ah know ya were tryin ta be nice when ya locked eyes with me, but it’s kind of scary, jus so ya know. (well shit) second, ya’ll seem to be takin’ a real shine to kissin’ us all of a sudden. What gives?” Might as well be honest. “Jackie, I have always wanted to, and to be honest I almost did when I first met ya, but I was nervous. You all seemed to like me, in more ways than one, so now I’m not so nervous.” She just stared at me “Alright, but why mah friends too?” “Well, you tell me first, why are you three so quick to start making sexual advances on me?” she looked embarrassed. “Well... um... it’s just... we read that letter, and we figured ya might need something ta make ya feel... better about givin’ up what ya gave up ta be here.” I was ecstatic, and I couldn’t believe my wings were staying down. I knew that wasn’t everything, but she gave a good answer so I wouldn’t push it. “Okay, I appreciate that, but if I did need something to feel better, it would be more than just gettin laid.” She looked almost confused, but not quite. “What do ya mean?” Easy answer. “Jackie, you read that letter. You know I’m here for life, so I want to enjoy myself. I want a girlfriend, or, if you’ll let me, girlfriends.” Now she looked confused. “What do ya mean if ah let ya?” Dammit, oh well. “I love you, Applejack, and I just realized I love Pinkie and Dash too, but I loved you first, for a long time. I arrived here on your farm, you were my first friend here, to be honest, you were the first girl I really ever kissed, you were the first girl I’ve seen... down there, I hope you will be my first girlfriend, I REALLY hope so, and I hope you will be my first... mare too. But whether you like it or not Applejack, I am your buck.” She looked as happy as I was. “Jens, if we didn’t have to go to sugarcube corner right away, ah would ride ya till the cows came home.” There go my wings again. POMF! “But yeah, ah will be your girlfriend, and ‘round here, ya say it marefriend.” Alright, my turn to do a tackle-kiss. -- I had her on the ground in less than a second. I planted my muzzle right on hers and started pushing. I was standing up, just because I didn’t want to pin her down, but I still pushed hard. She was quick to respond. And soon we were rolling around just like I was doing with Pinkie Pie. Pinkie and Dash started rubbing my wings again, my legs gave out, and I almost screamed, not because of what they were doing, but a certain part of me hit the ground at a very bad angle. (I did know I had a boner this time, it was there since the first wing-rub, and they are always around with a wingboner.) I toughed it out and kept kissing AJ. Besides, I had three big distractions from the pain. That kept on for a very short time when Rainbow Dash remembered something and stopped. Why does someone always have to kill my buzz? “Come on guys, we’re gonna be late if we don’t leave now.” I sighed and got up, then helped Applejack up. I put my clothes back on. There were protests but I really didn’t want a repeat of my dirt fucking accident. actually, the main reason was because I spent some of the night re-configuring my vest to hold some of my knives and a tomahawk instead of mags and grenades. I still had the glock and those mags, but I made it a point to get another vest set up for actual combat. This one would be more like a patrol vest with three edged weapons on it, (I like blades, sue me.) and I really wanted to see how comfortable it was. Soon enough we started walking. Applejack and I walked side by side. When we got on the road to town when Applejack decided she wanted to fuck with me a little bit more. “Hey, Jens.” She made a point of moving from my side to right in front of me. I was looking everywhere. It was all so cool. “yeah, Jackie?” I hoped she wouldn’t mind me calling her that in front of her partners-in-sexual-awesomeness. I looked at her, and froze again, eyes wide, tiny irises, about two feet behind her. She was bent over, ass in the air and tail up, and I could see everything again. POMF! There those go again, not that I cared. I don’t know what it is about ponies, but they are ultimate sexy. Especially these three. Then she dropped her tail, stood up, and walked off. “Jus so ya remember ya’ll are MY buck. An ya can go after Pinkie an Dash after we have a private night, as in, just the two of us.” I somehow regained control of my body and kept walking, grinning like an idiot. The rest of the walk was spent on random questions from everyone, mostly though about what Applejack was talking about. Note: this isn’t going to be a suggestive stuff only fic; I plan on having a chapter or two that is just clopping, and one that is graphic gore filled combat. I will try to make it so you can skip them and not get lost in the rest of the story. Just so ya know. Chapter 3A DIFFERENT KIND OF EVIL MLP:FIM FANFIC CHAPTER 3: When we got to town I got kind of paranoid. Everypony was looking at me. But I guess that could have been from all the weapons I had strapped to me, or the eyes, or that Applejack was using me as a mobile leaning post. Either way I didn’t like it. I’m pretty sure I even heard whispering somewhere. We met Twilight, Fluttershy, and Rarity at sugarcube corner, and for some reason went elsewhere for lunch. (Probably because a sweet shop didn’t exactly have healthy food on the menu.) We ended up at an outdoor place called the brohoof bistro. I couldn’t help but snort at the name. Once we were seated and the waiter left to get our drinks, and give us a sec to decide what to eat, we started chatting. At least there is chocolate milk in Equestria, even though I got a strange look for ordering a little kid drink (Pinkie Pie ordered it too) I think it went well for my first interaction with the general population. At least I was sitting next to Applejack. Of course the first thing Twilight said got me even more strange looks from everypony around. “So Jens, what do you eat?” I have to start thinking before I speak. Everypony seemed horrified after I replied. “Well, ah’m guessin ya’ll don’t have much for meat-based food round here, so whatever aint dry grass ah guess.” It took a second for the whole place to finish gasping. “Ahh, fuck. Ah just said that eh?” another gasp. This wasn’t going well anymore, but still better than I expected. At least Twilight saved my ass. She’s pretty cool. “Would everypony here please mind their own business!” everypony did. And the conversation kept on. “So, do you eat fruit or vegetables?” don’t know why, but I smiled. “Oh yeah, ah’m an omnivore.” I puffed up my chest. “Sides, ya live with muh pa fer awhile you learn to eat things that would make a billygoat puke.” (RAMBO!) Everypony I was sitting with started laughing. Out of the blue Rarity sniffed the air and had to ask something embarrassing. Buzz-Killington right here. “Excuse me, but how long has it been since you cleaned yourself?” I started rubbing the back of my head. “Well, probly about two weeks.” Everypony recoiled. Even Applejack stopped leaning on me (aww). And Rarity decided to push it. I really didn’t like her. “OH! Now THAT is unacceptable! How can one go so long without bathing!?” I was kind of pissed and embarrassed at the same time. “It’s not like ah don’t bath by choice. The water tank in muh house blew open, an the lake is too cold to swim in right now. If it means so much to ya, ah’ll lump in the first lake ah see.” That was good enough for everyone but Rarity. “Alright, but you must also do something with your mane. I simply cannot have any friend of mine dating a pony with such an atrocious sense of hygiene.” She had a point. “Okay, that’s true. ah do need a haircut, and if Applejack is nice enough to let me take her out, then I should at least keep myself lookin good for her.” (There goes the accent, funny how that works.) Rarity suddenly got that creepy “I’m gonna take things too far” look. “IDEEEA! I just happen to have a few spa day coupons at home I’ve been saving for a special occasion. We should all go spend the afternoon there. Get a massage, a good grooming, maybe a pony-Pedi. My treat.” Everypony agreed but me. Now usually this is where I draw the line, but I did really want to meet Aloe and Lotus, the massage sounded really good too, and I might get to see Applejack with her hair down, so fuck the line. During that thought Applejack spoke up. “Well, your call Jens.” I made an “I surrender” face. “Okay, deal. Just don’t take this too far, alright.” I’m pretty sure nopony expected that, but they were all beaming. This won’t end well. We ate lunch, which was actually pretty good for not having meat, and made our way over to Rarity’s boutique. I admit it was pretty cool. We waited in the main room while Rarity got the tickets. Pinkie Pie had a brainwave. “Hey, Jens. Why don’t you leave your clothes here, you know, so you don’t scare ponies with all the knives?” I almost hugged her. “Great idea Pinkie, but I really think I should ask before leaving stuff somewhere.” She went to ask Rarity right away. If she wasn’t so random, Twilight and Fluttershy might have suspected something in the way she seemed so excited to get my clothes off. As for me, AJ, and Dash, we were having a hard time not bursting out laughing. Pinkie came rocketing back in a few seconds later. “She says just leave them by the door, now get em off.” I barely kept my wings down. I got my clothes off, (in relative privacy this time) and we were ready to go. Once we were moving Twilight noticed my cutie mark. “Hey Jens, what does your cutie mark, or cutie marks, mean?” I looked at her, since she was right beside me, well, on the other side of Applejack. (Yay, she was leaning on me again!) “Well, they kind of run together. That’s the rebel flag on top, so... duh, professional redneck. And the bullet... don’t really know.” She just rolled her eyes. “Humans are so strang- WAIT! Professional redneck?” she moved really close and started examining my neck. Big laugh from me an AJ. “No, my neck aint really red. It’s a type of person.” Twilight seemed intrigued. “Please explain.” “Well, it’s like this. Ya got city folks, gangsters, and rednecks. City folks are more of the really fancy, really rich types who can’t actually work for shit. Gangsters are city folks that got a good dose of stupid when they were born, and they think wearing clothes wrong is cool for some reason. And then there’s rednecks. We got the best of the deal. Most of us don’t got lot’s o money, so we fix something ourselves when it breaks. We all work for a living, instead of sitting in some fancy office jackin’ off all day.” Everypony laughed their asses off. Don’t really know when they started listening. “An the best part is, we don’t take shit from nobody. Cuz we do shit right. No holding guns sideways like an idiot, no tiny ass cars that get stuck in an inch o snow, and we never fuck with a girl. Ya know, cuz redneck girls can beat the shit out o ya if ya do.” Applejack punched me in the shoulder. “At’s right big boy.” Everypony started laughing. “Dam, AJ. Ya know you would make a great boxer if apple farmin don’t work out.” Rainbow Dash hit the ground laughing. “Yeah, you should see her when she tries.” That kind of scared me, but made me really proud of her at the same time. The rest of the walk was small talk about random stuff. When we got to the spa, I was impressed. It was a pretty big building. Two pink and blue mares came to greet us. Rarity levitated up the tickets. “Hello Aloe, hello Lotus. (couldn’t believe that is actually their names) my friends and I would like to redeem these coupons, and this young buck desperately needs some work.” I didn’t mind that because it was true, and I like being called a buck, it sounds badass. Aloe walked up to me and held out a hoof. “Hello, you must be new to town, I’m Aloe, what is your name?” she had the cutest voice. “Names Jens, pleasure to meet ya, Miss Aloe.” I shook her hoof. Turns out she is awesome. “The pleasure is all mine, and please, there is no need for formalities, you can just call me Aloe if you want.” I was probably grinning like an idiot again. “Sounds good, Aloe.” She giggled. I wondered if she thought I was hitting on her or not. Either way she took it was good. “So what kind of treatments were you thinking of getting?” I scratched the back of my head again. “Well, to be honest, I’ve never done this stuff before, so I guess that’s up to you.” I ruffled up my mane. “This needs to get taken care of, I guess, an’ ah do want to look good, so whatever ya feel like doin, ah guess, got a few hours ta kill.” She giggled again. Something about it, just so cute. “You have an interesting accent.” I facehoofed. “Sorry, ah can’t really control it, jus sorta happens when it does.” She giggled again. Jesus, how many ponies do I have a crush on all of a sudden? She gestured for a door. “Right this way, we’ll start with haircuts, then.” We all followed her in. I went with her to get a haircut, and the girls followed Lotus to get something called a moisturising wrap. Once we were in the place to cut hair Aloe turned to me. “So have you ever gotten a trim before?” once again I started acting nervous. Dam this pony, she makes me nervous. “Uh, kinda. Dad jus gets us ta stand outside an does it.” she gave me a weird look and gestured to something that looked like a massage table. “Okay, well, just lay on this, put your face in the hole, and relax.” I smiled at her, and she smiled back. If Applejack didn’t have dibs, I would have been hitting on her, as it was, I was just being nice. “Ah c’n do that.” I hopped on the table and did as I was told. She asked “do you have any particular style in mind?” I gave her a look that she understood. I know nothing about this crap. “As long as it doesn’t get in my eyes after I go swimmin, and it doesn’t look gay, I’m happy” she shoved a hoof in her mouth to try and suppress the laugh, but she took it out right away and started laughing. “...HAHAHA... sorry, most boys who come in here ARE gay.” We both laughed. “Let me rephrase that. As long as it doesn’t get in my eyes, and girls think it looks good, I’m happy.” She giggled, then pushed my head back down. Dam, forceful. “I’ll do my best, just know that I don’t know that many buck styles.” I half mumbled “just cut it all a little short, think practical and tactical.” She paused for a second. “I don’t really know what that means, but okay, I’ll try.” About halfway through the haircut she had to ask, “So, do you have a marefriend?” I almost jumped, don’t know why, but I did. “Uhh, kinda, Applejack said she would go out with me.” Then I got a brainwave. “Can I ask you something?” she nodded. “it’s just, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash kind of... made a move on me, all at once, and I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that it happened but... do you think you might know a reason why?” let me explain something. I have no idea why I do or say what I do most of the time. IT JUST HAPPENS. Instinct, stupidity, or whatever, I usually act then think. Maybe the redneck gene, but whatever. Anyway, she stopped, and made the last 18 hours make sense. “Well, three things, most mares are... let’s just say... umm... AHHH! Most mares are really horny this time of year. (Oh god yes) You are actually, if you don’t mind me saying, very cute for such a big buck. (Score!) And, well, five of the girls you are with never had coltfreinds before. And anypony can guess that Rarity is the exception.” I couldn’t help but laugh. “That hussy.” We both laughed really hard. “That would be rude if she was here. So, did that help?” “You have no idea” aloe continued cutting my hair while we talked. “Would I be a douche if I... took advantage of the opportunity?” she tugged my hair a bit. “Well, yes and no. I’m sure they would appreciate that you helped them suppress their urges so they can actually focus during the day, but like you said, you would be taking advantage.” “What if they actually like me? Would it be worse that I didn’t help them?” she slapped me on the back of the head. Ow. “Well duh.” “Okay, so how do I find out?” she cuffed me again. “Ow. Stop that” “then quit being so dumb.” That was mean. “Sorry, I don’t exactly have a lot of experience with girls.” She froze. “How is that possible for a buck like you? You must have to hide from the mares.” I chuckled a little bit. “I’m flattered that you think that, but no. I live kind of on my own. And the girls I do know where I’m from hate me.” Aloe cracked me across the back. That hurt like fuck. (Very sensitive area remember) “What the fuck was that for!?” she casually started cutting my hair again. “That was for being mean to mares that might have liked you.” Oh, right, she doesn’t know. “They hate me because I don’t let thieves onto my property.” She paused, and then kept going. “In that case, sorry.” Now I was a little annoyed. “You’re sorry. For cracking me across the back, or assuming I’m a douche.” If I could see her, I bet I would have seen a sorry face. “Well, both.” She changed her tone. “Let me make it up to you.” “How?” if my brain worked properly, I would have noticed that tone right away. As it was... yeah. I literally bounced right off the table after she reached down and... Guess what she started rubbing. I got up and started backing up. “Woah, I appreciate the offer, but Applejack’s got first dibs, and Pinkie and Dash have seconds.” She got a sour face on. “Fine, then. How about this? You said you are with Applejack? And that Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash might want to be with you too?” I nodded. “Okay, then. Have you ever heard of a couple’s massage?” “No.” She looked almost embarrassed that she asked such an obvious question. “Well, I think you’ll like this then. When we are getting ready for massages, I’ll try to get you four in a separate room, at the very least you and Applejack. You with me so far?” I nodded. “The way the massage works is that one of the girls will lay on your back, (sounds good) I will massage her, and the motions will be transferred through her body into yours.” I nodded my head really fast, grinning. “Fuck yeah, let’s do it!” she started giggling again. “Okay then, back on the table.” As soon as the haircut was done I was shown to the giant tub where the girls were waiting. Applejack, Dash, and Pinkie looked excited to see me. I was just as excited, but probably for a different reason. I hopped in and swam over to Applejack. Well, less swam then waded. Ponies weren’t made for swimming. Applejack had her hair down. Holy shit did that look good. I think I heard angels singing when I first saw her. She pulled me up really close, then Pinkie dumped a bucket of soapy-water on my head. My reaction was very much less than graceful. What with freaking out a little bit. Everypony else found it hilarious. Rainbow Dash scooted over once she was done laughing. “What’s the matter? Scared of water? Or is it the soap?” she fell back splashing and laughing again. I didn’t care. The bath was actually relaxing, and the underwater seats were awesome too. Luxury to the max. Applejack stopped laughing and started scrubbing my back. Fucking fuck did that feel awesome. “Well, yer new style did look good, for a bit anyway.” I snorted. “Really?” she wrapped her forelegs around my neck and started hugging me from behind. “Ya ah did. It looked cool.” I managed to get her grip loosened and swing her around in front of me so I could hug her back, and lean back. “Well, soon as muh hair dries it should look like ‘at again.” Applejack suddenly leaned in and kissed me again. I couldn’t get used to it. Eyes big, irises tiny, and stiff as a board. Twilight, Fluttershy, and Rarity gasped. Don’t know why, this wasn’t brand new. And Twilight had to be a buzz-kill. She levitated Applejack off of me and plopped her into the water. She didn’t like that. “Uhh, Applejack? I think you should wait until you know him a bit better before you get into... that kind of... stuff.” Applejack walked right over to Twilight and stared her down. Fuck did Twilight look scared. “Ah don’t rightly think that’s any of yer business. He’s mah buck, so ah c’n do what ah want with him.” I was really fucking close to squealing. “I second that motion!” Had to say it. I love that girl. It only made my day better when she waded over to me and started kissing me again. We kind of made out and washed each other at the same time for awhile. Fuck was that hot. The girls were jealous as hell, I could feel it. Especially Dash and Pinkie. I couldn’t believe the whole “he’s not really a pony” deal came up. Of course it couldn’t last. Aloe and Lotus came in and disrupted us. (Most likely by request of the other girls) “Excuse me, but it is time for massages, if you could follow us please.” I groaned as Applejack got off of me, but I instantly remembered what was coming, so I shut up and played the good boy. As soon as me and Applejack were shown to the massage room, by ourselves, (no Pinkie or Dashie, aww) Aloe explained what was going to happen, I’ll give you the rundown. Applejack got some weird smelling, slimy shit on her belly, I got it on my back. I was shown (forcefully) to a mattress on the floor by Aloe. (Still pissed) and Applejack used my back and neck as a mattress and pillow. Not so bad, I guess. Then the massage started. Fuck. I had literally never been that physically relaxed, or calm before, and it was a second-hand massage. Second hoof, whatever. I was almost scared I was gonna forget to breathe. Every motion put on Applejack’s back really did make its way through to me. They also caused Applejack to push into my back a little harder, so I felt more. Don’t forget the back is really fucking sensitive. I was seriously borderline passing out from pure relaxation. Applejack kept me awake by kissing the back of my neck. Hundred percent she was loving this as much as I was. Fucking fuck, everything that was happening was dragging me into a deeper state of bliss. Aloe seemed to notice my over-relaxation and backed off. “Well, well, looks like the two of you really like this.” How I was able to speak is beyond me. “Yup, ah’m hopelessly addicted.” Applejack gave a little snicker. “Addicted to what?” I craned my neck to give her a kind of backwards nuzzle. “You.” She nuzzled right in to the back of my neck and settled in. That’s it, never moving again. Aloe walked over with a tray in her mouth with three cups on it and set it down next to us. “You two are making my job so easy with your newfound sensitivity, I thought we’d take an iced-tea break before we move on to the deeper massages. Drink up.” We took our time drinking the iced-tea, which tasted like brisk. We chatted a bit, and Aloe explained that the next two hours were gonna be a definite new experience for the both of us. One thing came up though that might be of interest. Aloe wanted to dig into our previous conversation. “So Applejack, what drew you to this young buck?” Applejack got really nervous. “Um... well... ah, um... he...” “C’mon Jackie, ah kinda wanna know why ya took such a quick shinin’ ta me too.” I instantly regretted calling her Jackie. She landed a quick punch to my ribs, really hard, and she didn’t even have to move from her perch upon my back. “OW... uhh, sorry. Ah jus wanna know... ah mean, if ya don’t wanna, you’re the boss, but pleeease?” that landed me a nice pat on the head. I liked it. Don’t judge, you would have to. “Fine, but ya’ll gotta promise me that this stays between the three of us, kay?” I couldn’t believe she was gonna say this in front of Aloe, they must be really good friends. She moved to use my head as a neck rest and bend her head down to look into my eyes upside down. Equestria kicks ass. “Well, there’s jus somethin about ya’ll. Ah’ve never really been into this whole romance thing, but ah have wanted that kind of... relationship fer a long time.” She had my full attention like my life depended on absorbing every word. “But ah never found anypony who ah liked, or liked me. So ah kinda just pushed it aside till now.” She seemed to take notice of my giant puppy dog eyes, in all their pupil-less, night-vision having, awesomeness. “Aww. Looks like somepony’s in love.” I half-whispered “yeah.” Of course that’s when shit had to start hitting the fan. Equestria kicked ass, but sometimes it can really piss you off. Somepony in the next room screamed. I was up instantly, and pissed. No one ruins my Applejack time. Speaking of which, she slid off my back as I got up. Slimy shit proves useful. Anyway, I opened the door and saw three griffins, two dudes and one girl. One had a gun, the other two had knives. They were standing in a row right in front of me. Too fucking easy. I grabbed the dude with a knife by the throat, threw his ass down, and gave him a one-hoof buck to the face. He was down. My voice got way deeper than it should be, like, perfect scary voice. “Catch you fuckers at a bad time?” the other two spun around and started backing up. “GET BACK! OR YOU’LL END UP IN THE HOSPITAL!” I started advancing. They were really scared. “You DON’T know who you’re fucking with.” Right about then I made a REALLY funny observation, and I totally lost all traces of seriousness. “Is that a fucking musket!?” the griffin dude looked almost proud. “Yeah, it’ll kill you from a hundred yards away. So back off.” I started laughing. The griffin got offensive. “SHUT UP!” I stopped laughing, but I was far from serious. “Okay, fine what do ya want? And why did you come in here by yourselves?” I had no idea if they were alone, but it helps to have Intel. I was right, they were alone. “How do you know that?” I had a sly smile on. “You answer first.” everypony slithered away into a corner, behind some cover. Good, I was about to make my move, right after he answered the question. “Here’s a hint. I have a gun, you have money, I want it. Ya get it? Now answer, how did ya know we’re alone?” “I didn’t, you just told me.” I turned so he could see my cutie mark. “Ya see this? It symbolises that I am the best, gun or not. So, either leave now, or both of you are going to have a very, very bad day.” They both started shaking. This was going to be too easy. I spun around, stood up, grabbed the barrel, which was pointing to my right, and pulled it really stupidly across to my left, and back. There was a shot, and I felt a little bit of stinging on my left side, but I didn’t think it hit anything. Probably just the flash. As he moved forward I gave him one mother fucker of a right to the face. He dropped like a bag o hammers. I couldn’t help but smile. The girl, who looked like that Gilda bitch, came at me, knife in hand. I grabbed her arm and flipped her onto her back. Guarantee the last thing she saw before she was out was a big green hoof. Normally I can’t do shit like that, but it didn’t surprise me. Woke up in Equestria as a pony, got guns and trucks rich people don’t have, found out someone fucked with my DNA, got Applejack as a girlfriend, three other girls trying to get me into bed, and can apparently fight like Zohan, all in day one. Nothing else is ever going to surprise me. I went back down on all fours so I could get a better look at them. “Dumbasses.” Pinkie Pie screamed. “SOMEPONY GET A FIRST AID KIT!!!” I giggled a bit. “Oh come on, they’re fine. Trust me, it could be WAY worse.” She ran up and pushed me over. Everypony jumped into action. Twilight floated a first aid kit off of a wall and over to Pinkie Pie, everypony else was pinning me down. I had no idea what was going on. “What the hell are you doing?” nopony answered, but I put two and two together and looked at down. Sure as shit I took a bullet. Well, not really. It was pretty bad though. The ball slid along my side, just under my wing, (count myself lucky) and made a gash about three-quarters of an inch deep, that much wide, and six or eight inches long. I was bleeding really badly all over the floor, and still all I felt was the equivalent of a paper cut. Twilight and Pinkie Pie were ripping gauze packages open and kind of overdoing it on the bandaging. The whole time I was getting bandaged up I was trying to calm everypony down. “Seriously, it’s not that bad. Just calm down.” Of course they didn’t listen until one of the griffins got up. Then I had to give another right to the face, which made them freak out even more. But since I was standing again I decided that enough was enough. Bandages were done five minutes before, the rest was Twilight fiddling with them and everypony else getting kind of annoying telling me I was gonna be fine. “Everyone just SHUT UP!!!” they finally did. I spoke very clearly. “Alright, now, someone go get someone to deal with these dicks...” I gestured to the griffins. Fluttershy took off. “And someone tie their sorry asses up.” Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Aloe took to that. Twilight and Pinkie walked over to me, and Twilight picked me up with her magic. I started waving my legs around trying to grab something. “Okay, that’s done, now we need to get you to a doctor before this gets worse.” I gave up, and just let myself hang. “Is it too much to ask for jus one day where ah c’n relax an be happy?” Twilight set me down on a mattress. “Oh, come on. Your day wasn’t that bad, was it?” I looked at her. “Nope, this is the best day of muh life, an’ ah got shot, kinda. How bad is that?” I laid my head down and huffed. Applejack finished tying the would-be robbers up, and walked over to lay beside me. She wiggled right up close and nuzzled me on the neck. “Aw, come on loverboy, ya’ll jus need t get yerself fixed up an’ we’ll have a great day tomorrow, promise.” I grabbed her and gave her a big bear-hug. “Ah’m feelin better now.” We got into a nuzzle fight, and then Twilight walked over and cleared her throat. “I might be able to help, on one condition.” I raised my head “huh?” “I have a few books on healing spells at the library. I think I can get you fixed up right away, but in return I would like to examine you, today.” I was on my hooves ready to rock. “Then let’s go.” Applejack cut in. “now hang on a sec, Twilight. What do ya mean? ya’ll want to inspect him? For what?” Twilight smiled, but it was a nervous smile. “I said would like to examine him. I’m very curious as to how he can change between pony and hu-.” She cut herself off as we all realised the cops, Aloe, and Lotus were standing right behind us. Like fucking ninjas. Twilight started walking to the door really quick. “Well, shall we?” we exchanged some awkward goodbyes and started walking. Pinkie Pie came running up and started walking with us. “Ooh, I’ve never seen an alien examination before, well, except in that one play, but that was SOOOOOO fake.” Twilight smiled and rolled her eyes in silent agreement. Pinkie Pie is so random. Then Rainbow Dash came shooting over from somewhere, carrying my vest. “Here, take it, it’s really heavy.” I let her drop it on my back. “Well, no. It’s designed to stop high-power, armor-piercing rifle rounds, it’ll be super light.” She had to make the joke. “Maybe you should never take it off, seeing as you can’t go three hours without getting shot.” All four of them started laughing. “Oh yeah, make fun of the guy who’s hurt.” Rainbow Dash landed and started walking with us. “So where are you guys going?” Pinkie Pie burst out. “Twilight’s gonna do all kinds of experiments on Jens, and we’re gonna watch. Wanna come?” Rainbow Dash giggled. “Yeah sure, I’ll come. Ya know, in case Jens tries to eat somepony. Always helps to have a hero around.” All of us laughed. Twilight clarified the Pinkie rant. “Actually, I’m gonna close up that big gash on his side, and examine him to see just how much of him is a pony.” I spoke up. “Well, I think I’m all pony like this, and all human when I am human.” Applejack poked me in the side. “Ah think you’re right.” I turned and looked at her. “Ya know, that would have hurt like hell if I could feel it.” she blushed. “Oh, sorry.” “It’s cool.” The rest of the walk was okay... until we got kind of around the middle of town. Chapter 5A DIFFERENT KIND OF EVIL MLP:FIM FANFIC CHAPTER 5: I have no idea how long I was out, probably not that long, the sun was still up, but you can probably guess I wasn’t in a good mood. I opened my eyes, groaning and rubbing my head, and was instantly in the tightest hug I’ve ever experienced. Applejack had me by the neck, almost choking me, and she was crying. “Oh, thank goodness! You’re alive! Ah was so worried... ya stopped breathin... and ah tried to help, but...” I rolled onto my side as she trailed off. She loosened her grip as I did. I spit and coughed out a shitload of blood. Great, just FUCKING great! I bit my tongue. Wait, no I didn’t... OW! I did, and it was already healing. Score for the speed-heal. I’ll put this simply. Blood was drawn, from me. Now I was on the fucking warpath. I was seething when I got up, and every few seconds I got more pissed off. Applejack put a hoof on my neck, which I actually didn’t feel that much, what I did feel was stinging. She quickly removed it and we both stared at it. It was dripping blood. Apparently, their little trick removed my vest, sent me through the door, through a cart, and skidding on my back for fifteen or twenty feet until my head connected with a lamp post and stopped me, my vest actually landing next to me. My back and the back of my neck had a fucking pile of deep gashes and scratches on them, bleeding badly. Not my day for good health. I absolutely lost it. “THAT DAMN MOTHERFUCKER!!!” I turned to the mostly missing library doorway and screamed “GET OUT HERE YOU FLAMING BAG OF SHIT!” as loud as I could, strapping my vest back on at the same time. There were four royal guards standing by the mostly missing doorway. Big ones. Celestia and Luna were standing right behind them. One of the guards, a dark grey Pegasus, spoke as all of the guards were advancing on me. “Take your leave, before we make you.” Applejack was bouncing around me trying to calm me down. As much as I hated to, I ignored her. “Ah ain’t goin’ nowhere...” I was standing there, with one evil grin on my face, blood dripping off of me or running down my leg pretty badly, staring down four royal guards, the biggest one being the tiniest bit smaller than me. I was looking for a fight, I needed a fight. I pointed at the biggest guard and continued speaking. “...but ah will take a piece of him.” He looked ready to scrap. They all did. The big one started walking towards me and the grey one replied. “A piece you will have.” I got into battle stance, and this weird whine started emanating from nowhere. An electric whine, like on Ironman when he charges up his repulsors, only a lot more drawn out. Applejack took on a seriously horrified look and backed off. The girls in the library finally made their way out, took on the same look, and backed against a wall. The guards backed up too. Even Celestia and Luna looked scared. Applejack whispered just loud enough for me to hear. “Woah, Nelly...” I looked at her, and she backed up more. “What is it?” she swallowed and walked forward a little, she knew I would never hurt her, it just took her a second to remember. She still kept her distance, she was so scared she sounded like Fluttershy with an accent. “Y-y-ya’ll... ya’ll are... g-glowin.” I looked at a hoof, I didn’t see it. Applejack clarified for me. “Yer hair... and yer eyes. They’re glowin blue.” I looked back to my hoof and started thinking. If I could change from pony to human just by thinking the word, this should be similar. I imagined my entire right foreleg covered in electricity, like I saw when that spell was being cast. Much to my enjoyment, it worked. It worked very well. My entire foreleg was wrapped in a web of lightning, cracking, popping, and buzzing. I imagined it stopping, and it did. I looked to my back and all the blood that was dripping off of me. Much to my surprise, the small wounds had already mostly healed up, but the big ones were still pretty bad. I imagined that healing. It didn’t work. Electrical sparks arced across the wounds, but they didn’t close, so I was still covered in bloody wounds. I imagined my hair and eyes going back to the way they were and pretty much powering down, that worked. I thought of powering back up and electricity arcing in my hair, just to look cool. Great, that worked, now for the fun stuff. Don’t ask me why, but I turned human. I flicked my hand out thinking pretty much bright blue energy sword, only more like predator where they both shoot out from the top of his arm. I was giggling happy when two big solid electricity blades shot out the top of my right arm, making the energy sword noise. FSSSSSSHHH! I remembered the situation soon enough, AFTER A FUCKING WONDERBOLT TACKLED ME!!! I rolled over, flicked her off, and rolled back onto my feet ready to fight, like a fucking ninja. She was an orange haired, and judging by the patches of her coat I could see, orange coated Pegasus mare. Two more landed on either side of her, one with blue hair, one with yellow hair, both ready to fight. I realised who that mare was and pointed at her, wiping blood from my mouth. (Good hit) “You’re Spitfire, right?” She nodded, getting into battle stance herself. “Yeah, why?” I lowered my arms and ended the blades. So fucking cool! “I’m not gonna fight you.” Thinking about it, I turned to the guards, just in time to catch a hoof to the jaw. Fucking sucker-punched. I was calmed down a fair bit, but that set me raging again. I turned pony, and kicked the shit out of that dude. Tackled him into part of the cart I flew through, smashed his head through it, punched him in the ribs probably twenty times as hard as I could, and threw him at the other guards, knocking them all on their asses. The wonderbolt with the yellow hair launched at me. I turned human, stuck my hand out, caught him by the neck, and pinned him against a wall, putting my glock to his chin. “Try it! Ah dare ya!” Yeah, I was pissed. Applejack and Vinyl ran up and started screaming at me to let him go, tears in their eyes. “Come on! Don’t do this!” My pissation was replaced with kind of a sorry feeling, and I dropped him. He hit the floor wheezing and hacking. I felt really bad. Not for the fight, for making AJ and Vinyl tear up. Hate doing that. I took a few deep breaths, turned pony, and hugged Applejack. Needed that hug, really needed that hug. Made me smile when Vinyl joined in. After all of that was done, I helped the wonderbolt up. I’m a nice guy... usually. “Sorry bout that, bra. Ah kinda lost it.fer a sec there.” The other wonderbolts wandered over, cautiously. Spitfire decided to try talk to me. “So... are you... the alien?” I looked at her. “The whatnow?” She shrugged. “Princess Celestia said she would be bringing an alien here to help us out, are you him?” my turn to shrug. “I guess so.” Spitfire giggled. COME ON! How many freakin ponies have cute giggles? Know what? I’m gonna say something. “Ya know, you got a cute little laugh.” She folded her ears back, and I could see the blush through her suit. “Thanks.” WHACK! “Dammit!” I turned to see who did that, Rainbow Dash. “Easy there, hotshot. We still gotta talk Applejack into letting you romance other girls.” I felt the heat rushing to my cheeks. “I didn’t mean it like that... well, I did... but... AH! FUCK!” Applejack heard that and walked over. “Now jus hang on there, Rainbow. Ah already told him he can romance other girls, he jus can’t go fer a roll in the hay till ah get the first turn.” Spitfire walked right up to me, almost pushing me over. “Ya know, the Princess told me you’d be lookin for a girl, or two, or five. Any chance I could get in on that?” Over I go. WHEEEE-THUD! Everypony took that as blood loss or something. I had to bat them off as I got up. “I’m fine. My brain just got a little... overloaded.” That was actually true. Basically, it’s like this: Applejack is number one, Vinyl/Ditzy number two, Spitfire number 3, and team rainbowpie is number four. So, four out of six of my favourite ponies have asked me out. Insert fuckyeah face here. Spitfire is actually pretty cool, if that wasn’t obvious enough. She got us all calmed down and led inside, and even talked me, the guards, and that wonderbolt, who’s name turned out to be Stormwatch. Into apologising to each other while Twilight patched me up, again. What a cool name, eh? Fuckin rights it is. After all was said and done, I won’t go into detail because it was boring as hell, the guards waited outside while the rest of us all got on the same page. So it’s like this. These terrorist dudes were part of an international human experiment of some kind, when their ship was transported to the southern tip of Equestria, with them in it. It was a military ship, so guns, ammo, rockets, whatever they had on board came with them. Not all of them were bad, but they couldn’t exactly walk home, so they stuck with the bunch, supposedly about a hundred originally. Celestia went to see them as soon as she learned of their existence. Apparently that was a bad idea. As soon as they learned about how ponies generally can’t defend themselves that great without serious powerful magic, they decided to go to war. Or, at least, take over. Not right away, but eventually. They started giving a gun and rank to anyone who wanted in and could kill, and they still were. So, about two hundred now, scattered around in about a dozen camps. According to the informant, that was enough for them to get started. Hearing this did some weird things to my brain. I can’t imagine what the girl’s brains were doing, but the looks on their faces said freaking out. As for me, I went from terrified, to nervous, to just right cocky. Yeah, it was just me, NOT! I was already thinking about training a few ponies or something to be my team. But seriously, two hundred rag-tag bandits, comprising of old people, maybe a few of their kids, if there was any females on that boat, and some untrained, or undertrained idiots. This would be easy. The best part of the next hour? Probably the best thing to ever happen to me so far. As it turns out, Twilight is very uncomfortable with people she doesn’t know so well suddenly moving in with her. Go figure, eh? Dash jumped at the opportunity, since Twilight knew now anyway. She launched off the couch she was sitting on right into me, knocking me onto my back. (I was sitting on the floor next to AJ, it’s actually really comfortable for a pony) I wasn’t shocked, but I wasn’t expecting that either. Rainbow Dash had her nose pressing into mine. I could taste her sudden excitement. “You can TOTALLY come stay with me!” She backed her head up a bit, then dived down and kissed me. Twilight was the only one who was surprised. Dash kept our faces pressed together for a few seconds, no tongue involved, before she broke the kiss and nuzzled my neck. Needless to say I wrapped my forelegs around her as soon as she planted her face onto mine. Rainbow whispered, I don’t know why. “I promise it’ll be awesome.” Twilight being Twilight, levitated Dash off of me and plumped her down beside her. “Rainbow Dash, NO! I understand it’s that time of year, and you might like him, but NOT in MY home! That is something private! Besides, you’re the element of loyalty! What are you doing trying to seduce Applejack’s “buck”!? She is your best friend! What would she think!?” My amazing little AJ cut Twilight off, and looked smug just to rub it in. Making me turn bright red at the same time. “Twi, ah want them to do it, after mah turn. Besides...” Applejack finished helping me up and nuzzled into the side of my neck. That is SO much better than hugs. “...What kind of friend would ah be if ah kept this big-hearted buck to mahself.” The next twenty minutes or so were filled with evil glares, more than one uncomfortable pony, and words ponies should never hear, let alone say. It was getting dark out, so Pinkie and one of the wonderbolts took off. I went out on the balcony and sat down, munching on an apple. Dam those are good when AJ grows em. I had shit to think about, mainly, why were all these girls making moves on me, and why do I suddenly have a serious crush on four ponies besides Applejack? I mean, Pinkie, Dash, Vinyl, AND Spitfire? Worst part was that I didn’t know why they had such a serious effect on me. I kept wondering what Applejack would say if I told her. Celestia finally decided it was safe to approach me alone. “I’m sorry that had to hurt so much, but we haven’t figured out how to do it without severe pain.” I patted her on the shoulder. “It’s okay. I actually wanna say thanks. This is the best birthday present I ever got.” We shared a smile. “Do I really want to know why?” I shook my head. “Nope.” We chatted for awhile, mostly about how the whole never run out of gas thing and the ammo crates. Celestia put it the best way she could. Magic boxes and tanks. Or, more specifically, magically enhanced boxes and tanks. Apparently, fill them with whatever, close them up, cast a spell, and they fill themselves whenever they are closed. That is a new level of fuckin rights. We also talked about my body. Namely, the whole sensitivity thing. Here’s the rundown. She made my sensitive spots way more sensitive. Two ways, too. She put more nerves in those places, and made each nerve more receptive to touch, not pain, just touch, the good feeling stuff. And apparently when I sense a threat, they wind down so things don’t hurt as much. She also mentioned that she implanted some skills into my brain. Like martial arts, reading equestrian books (the letters are like horseshoes and shit, but I can read them), and flying, like, helicopters and planes, AWESOME! I did ask about my feather problem, her response was that she removed some propulsion feathers to keep me from getting hurt if I got ahead of myself. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK!!! She did say “you’re a smart guy, you’ll figure something out until they grow back.” I wondered just how much she actually knew about me. It’s usually not the problem that hurts me, it’s my solution. It took awhile, but I got up the balls to ask Celestia to make a couple more changes. I’ll skip the very awkward conversation and just tell you what I wanted done. Feel free to skip the next paragraph or two. I talked Celestia into doing a couple things to my... boxer areas... and not in that way! She agreed because she owed me for the feathers. Basically, now I can keep myself stiff even when I’m asleep if I want to. Nothing could be done for keeping it down, though. I can top out as many times as my body will let me before I pass out, without getting sore. The most important part though, is that I made sure my... size... well, it’s all me. Apparently they forgot about that. Good, I want the real me, at least down there. I ain’t a self-conscious douche. Getting the spell cast... it was awkward, for both of us. I had to lean back, open my legs, and somehow get it up. Easy, think of Applejack in the barn. Celestia must have had it even worse, or not, depending on who you ask. She had to get her face inches away from my... rifle barrel... and pretty much hover over it. Apparently she didn’t need to point her horn for this one. It felt so weird. Not mentally, either. Well, it was embarrassing, but I mean it FELT weird. I could feel this tingling pretty much from the center of my belly (where the tip ended up being) to my knees. Like that static-ish feeling when your leg or arm falls asleep. She didn’t help either. Her breath was washing over it, really making me feel awkward. Think about it. Super-sensitive pony privates, hot breath, already feeling tingly, not good. One thing about male pony privates, they aren’t anything like a standard equine package. They aren’t two feet long, they aren’t blotchy, and they don’t have a flat tip. They’re kind of... well... they’re like that one comic on rule 34 with Twilight and Dash, where they find that book, and Dash ends up boning Twilight. If you don’t know that one, it’s like a human crossed with a doggy-dick. I was so relieved when that was over. Celestia seemed all too happy to get back inside to chat with the girls. I just sat there and kept on thinking. At some point I put my glasses on so I could see the sky clearly. It looked pretty cool when it was dark enough. Eventually Celestia and Luna had to leave, taking the guards with them. Stormwatch left too. When I looked inside I saw Twi, Vinyl, AJ, Dash, and Spitfire sitting around talking about something. They seemed to understand I needed some alone time. I didn’t really care. I still had shit to think out. At some point I started pissing around with the energy sword thing. Trying it out with my pony body. According to Celestia that is heavy duty concentrated Pegasus magic she pumped into me. She said it works like unicorn magic, only my whole body can be the focal point, not just a horn. That pretty much makes me a huge Tesla coil, with a lot more control, and a shitload cooler. As far as the blade goes, it’s beyond cool. It made the tiniest little hum, but you had to really listen to hear it, and you had to be within a foot of it. It’s about two feet long normally. I found out I can control things like the length or the shape of it. It could be long and smooth edged, like a sword, or short and jagged for serious damage. I can also control the brightness to a degree. I can take it from something like an almost dead blue glow stick, to pretty much the sun, tinted blue of course. Another little discovery I made was that the brighter it glows, the louder it is. From a gentle, barely audible hum, to a loud buzzing like an arc welder. At some point Vinyl came outside for whatever reason. I didn’t notice her until she sat down pretty close to me and started talking. “So, I guess we have the same birthday.” Cool enough. But that wasn’t a topic I liked. You’ll see why. I found a spot in the sky to stare at. “Really?” “Yup. So, how old are you gonna be?” I kept the stare up. “Eighteen.” Vinyl sputtered. “Really? Me too!” I kept up a monotone voice. “Ah’d be excited if birthday’s meant somethin good to me.” She put a hoof on my shoulder. “What are you talking about?” here it is. Pay attention. “Vinyl, ah’ll tell ya about mah life sometime, if ya wanna hear it. But birthdays never meant shit to me. All they mean is that ah’m one year older. This one was kinda big fer me, but since ah came here, not so much.” Vinyl moved so she was sitting right in front of me, facing me. She looked really concerned, not that I blame her. “Do you... wanna talk about it?” I shrugged. “Fine.” After a long silence, she poked me. “So...” I facehoofed. “Okay. Ah’m finally gonna be old enough to move out on my own in a couple days, but it’s the middle of winter where ah come from, an ah got no place to go. So ah still had to live with muh pa til it get’s warm enough to sleep outside. Now that ah’m here... ah guess it don’t matter.” Vinyl still looked concerned, but not as much. “Ya know, this isn’t where you came from. Here, you’re considered old enough to do what you want two years after you get your cutie mark.” Okay, that’s cool. Vinyl poked me again. “So what about your deal with birthdays?” I looked to make sure the door was closed. I had to get up and close it. “Vinyl, do you really wanna know?” she nodded. I sat back down. “To be honest, ah hate muh birthday. It’s the worst day of the year fer me.” Vinyl looked super shocked. “Why would you hate your birthday?” I removed my glasses and got face to face with her, for effect. “Every birthday ah can remember sucked. Ah never got a birthday present, unless ya count phonebooks to the face as a present, one fer every year. Ah got more chores added to muh day before ah can have fun. And never, not once, did anyone in muh house even say happy birthday. The closest ah got was on muh last one when my dad said hey, yer almost old enough to get out muh haus.” (That’s how I pronounce it) “An muh last one was the worst of the bunch. Ah got woken up with a bucket o ice water, thrown outside, an told ah had to do muh chores, including the new ones, before ah could go back inside an eat breakfast!” I was almost yelling at the end. I get pretty worked up talking about shit like that. Vinyl looked really scared, understandable enough. “Hey, look. That’s not goin to happen anymore. I know you don’t like what your birthday’s used to be, but think about what they can be now. Besides, Pinkie Pie knows. You think she’ll let you have a bad birthday?” OH FUCK. She knows. Oh well, it might be fun. Vinyl put a hoof on my chest and pushed me onto my back. I’m really easy to tip over apparently. “One more thing...” She jumped on top of me and planted her lips on mine. You can probably guess my reaction. Big eyes, tiny irises, full body lock up. POMF! ...and a wingboner. Vinyl was really good. She got my mouth open and started exploring right away. This was actually new to me, as far as Vinyl’s technique was concerned. She was... pushy. Her hind legs held her lower body in the air, and pushed her into me. She wrapped her forelegs around my neck and squeezed really tight, at the same time she pushed her face against mine so hard I thought one of us might get hurt. Basically, she had her body weight and more forcing our lips together. Not that I minded. I had a serious crush on her, remember? What really sucked was that Vinyl pulled away before I got control of my body. She kept laying on me though, and she kept her face really close to mine. I could feel her breath washing over my face. It smelled like watermelon, of all things. I almost expected what happened next. She slowly opened her eyes, and I melted. Seeing them so close did some trippy shit to my body. Everything relaxed. Legs, wings, body, everything. I have a serious thing with eyes. Vinyl nuzzled my neck. “I heard what Spitfire said. Ya think I can get in too?” all I could manage was a quiet groan. She had me. Just like my Applejack, she had me. I have to do anything she says, minus one or two for personal reasons, she knew it too. Vinyl nuzzled my neck again. “I so have you wrapped around my hoof.” I got control of my mouth, kinda. “Vinyl, Ah’m yers. Ya’ll better learn to share or there’s gonna be problems.” She gave me a quick peck. “I thought you’d want more than one girl. You’re lucky I’m bi.” I discovered bodily control and bounced us both a few inches off the ground. Vinyl was already laughing. “Ah didn’t mean it like that! Ah... ah... wait... you’re bi?” Vinyl giggled. “Yeah, why?” I pulled her in and gave her a big kiss. “Stop being so amazing! It hurts!” she nuzzled into my neck again and we hugged each other. I have wings, so I wrapped them around her too. Right then I heard a board creek. Instinct made me flip onto my hooves, gently setting Vinyl down in the process. Applejack and Spitfire were standing there. Twi and Dash behind them. The first thing I noticed was that Applejack was smiling. “Well, ain’t that precious. Mah big soldier buck has a soft spot fer another mare. Geez, Jens. Ah know ya’ll had a heart too big for one mare, but ah never expected ya’ll to fall fer a city girl.” I heard that, but my attention was focused on Spitfire. She had the hood on her suit down, and had on the most seductive face possible. I made the mistake of looking at her eyes. My brain clicked and it was decided. Those five girls are my life. I’d probably get around with some other girls, but Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Vinyl Scratch, and Spitfire had me permanently wired to love only them. Everyone noticed how much I relaxed. Applejack knew why too. She can read me like a book. “Oh, ah see what’s goin on here. Ya’ll really are a big softie Jens. Not that ah mind, jus promise me that ya’ll are gonna keep yer promise to me.” I made a really long speech about how I HAVE to keep promises I make to them. I will spare you the next hour or so. Mainly because it was talking about how my brain is wired towards a certain five girls, and about why moves were being made on me, but I did learn one thing. I NEEDED BEER! There was one topic I paid particular attention to, though. Mating season. Apparently, when they get to be about as old as the cmc (I asked, sweetie is the youngest at 14, and Scootaloo is the oldest at 16, cutie mark = huge growth spurt) , female ponies can get uncontrollably horny and/or pregnant any time of the year, except mating season, which just started a few days before. During this month, give or take a week or so depending on the girl, all mares lose the ability to get pregnant, and get incredibly, uncontrollably horny. Not “huge gang of girls chasing one guy” bad, but they do get pretty needy. Like, every straight guy in Equestria is getting some. Douchebag or not. The most interesting part, though, was centred around how most girls got along without guys, being as there is a three to one ratio in big cities, and seven to one in Ponyville. Some just stayed away from guys altogether, some went lez or bi, and most of the girls who didn’t find a guy just enjoyed their alone time a few times a day. What really got me going, for the most part, was that four of the girls I suddenly couldn’t get out of my mind did all three, over their lifetimes or during one season. I had to pound back a few glasses of water to calm myself down. Eventually I was on the balcony again. The girls kicked me out to discuss something. I sat there thinking about where I could get some liquor. Berry punch maybe? Or was I going to have to make it myself. I actually pondered on that for awhile. I used to make shine with my grandpa before he died. I bet that doesn’t surprise you. And one thing, people say it’s dangerous and tastes like shit, but that’s because they don’t know what the fuck they are doing. The shit we used to make was pretty good. Tasted like jack-Daniels. It’s pretty strong, though. I can drink around twenty Canadian beers in an afternoon and feel pretty good in the morning, but a quarter of a mason jar of my bubba’s shine made into mix would put me on my ass and leave me with a three day hangover, not that I ever cared. Anyway, Spitfire came out this time. “Whatcha thinkin about big guy?” I took a quick look at her before looking back at the dimly-lit streets. “Ah need alcohol.” Remember when I said Equestria couldn’t surprise me anymore? I was so wrong. Spitfire tackled me from behind, laying me flat on my face, and power-hugged the shit outta me. “I figured you drink, but you got some things to do before we let you get tipsy.” WHOOO!!! LIQUOR HE-wait... things to do? I wasn’t completely sure what she meant, but I had some ideas. I won’t go over what happened, but soon enough we were running full-blast to Rainbow Dash’s place. chapter 6A DIFFERENT KIND OF EVIL MLP:FIM FANFIC CHAPTER 6: CLOP SCENE, FEEL FREE TO SKIP! I will skip the whole trip to Rainbow’s for now and just tell you three things. First, Twi cast the cloud-walking spell on Vinyl. Second, that spell doesn’t wear off. And third, clouds are AWESOME! -- Oh, and about male ponies. They don’t have nuts. Seriously, syoee_b comic of Dash boning Twi. That’s exactly what it looks like, only it can stick straight out if it needs to, and it’s pretty well hidden when you’re not horny. -- Applejack stopped us before we made it to Rainbow’s bedroom. “Rainbow, can ah borrow yer bed fer a bit?” Rainbow looked really confused and a little annoyed. “Why do ya need my bed?” Applejack leaned over and nuzzled my neck, which made me jump a little. “Ya know ah got first ride, Rainbow. Soon as ah get mah turn, ya’ll can have at him.” I was already amped, as you can probably guess, but that set me going. I picked Applejack up and marched into Rainbow’s room. Just so you know, they did give us some privacy for the moment. -- I set Applejack down on the bed, but she jumped off right away. I was going to ask what she was doing until she put her body back on the bed, her hind legs over the side supporting her lower body, and picked her tail up. “Show me how ya do it where ya’ll come from, big guy.” POMF! There went my wings. I wasted no time making my way over to her. I didn’t do what she expected, though. As I got closer I lowered my head to her marehood. I had to see it, I had to smell it, I had to taste it. Everything else was just going to be bonus. -- I moved my face closer to Applejack’s private area. I hesitated for a few seconds, just looking at her. I won’t lie, my eyes were half closed, and I was drooling a bit. My body wasn’t my body. I had no real control over it. I was running on pure instinct. I didn’t care what happened to me, Applejack was going to love this. Just as soon as I can get started. Applejack looked back at me. Her sexy green eyes half-lidded. “Ya’ll like that, don’t ya?” I leaned in and planted my muzzle against her. A little jump. She didn’t expect me to do that. I took a whiff. She smelled so good. I can’t really describe her scent, only that it is my favourite scent ever. I stuck my tongue out and slowly ran it along her slit. Another little jump, followed by a moan. Good, I’m doing something right. I licked her again, another moan. Again. Another moan. She started to lean into me. I reached up and grabbed her by the cutie marks. One side, then the other. I pushed my tongue against her little nub. A gasp, then a louder moan. I liked her reactions. They made me feel good. I rolled Applejack onto her back, and pushed her farther onto Rainbow’s bed. All the way to the headboard. She sat up and leaned half her body against it, one of Rainbow’s pillows behind her. She was breathing a little harder. “Wow. Ya’ll really are quite the guy. Ah hear no boy would even think about putting their face near a girl’s lowers.” I wasn’t able to reply. I was on a mission. Applejack yelped as I put my tongue back on her love nub. Now that I was on the bed too, I could work her even better, not worrying about losing my balance or having to get past those sexy toned legs. Best part about sex as a pony? Most ponies spread their legs when you lay them on their back, giving me full access. I grabbed her by the flanks, and went to town. -- Applejack was constantly making noise now, either moaning or gasping. I lined my tongue up with her sex, and pushed. She screamed and grabbed the back of my head, pushing me into her crotch. The push wasn’t easy. In fact, it took a few tries the first time. But I did get my tongue inside of her. I was hit with a wave of her intoxicating scent. It was amazing. It was so strong I actually went cross-eyed and moaned into her. She took that as her cue to move her hooves to the back of my neck. That made me jump. Applejack rubbed her hooves on my neck while I fucked her with my tongue. I started moaning continuously with her. It was so good. She tasted so good. Again, I can’t describe it. Just that it’s my favourite flavour ever. Applejack started moaning faster, I moved my tongue faster. She forced my head into her crotch, I pushed my tongue in deeper. Soon enough she started thrusting her hips up into my face. Her sweet, tangy juices coated my muzzle, and she hadn’t even climaxed yet. I knew Applejack was loving it. I was loving it. Her scent was driving me crazy. Every breath I took brought a wave of that sweet smell into my nose. Driving me deeper into the pure bliss that was between her legs. I could feel when I hit the right spot. Applejack pushed my head down and bucked her hips up hard. “Ooohh! Right there! Don’t stop! Don’t stop! Please! Ah’m so close!” She didn’t have to tell me. Her body told me. Her scent, her taste, the way her slit squeezed and twitched against my tongue, they told me for her. Her scent, her taste, her slit, her. I doubt Applejack knew, but she was pushing me into a new world of pleasure. Every little twitch, every sound, her taste, her scent, the feel of her legs over my shoulders, the gentle squeeze she was putting on my neck, the rubbing... they were all doing something to me. I liked it. I started moaning louder into Applejack’s crotch. She responded by getting louder and somehow wrapping her hind legs around my neck. Oh fuck, was this good. Applejack squeezed my neck hard and screamed. “AAAAHHHH! OH MAH... AH’M GONNA... AH’M GONNA AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!” I drove my tongue in deep and sealed my mouth against her. If she was gonna... I wanted it. She didn’t disappoint, not by a long shot. -- I never thought of Applejack as a squirter. Well, I hoped, but I never thought she would be. Nor did I think any girl could release that much. She bucked her hips up hard, squeezed my neck really hard, and pushed my head into her so hard my air supply was cut off. I didn’t need air at the moment anyway. Then she came. Hard. Her insane concentrated love juice completely filled my mouth, and more kept coming. I swallowed the first mouthful. She didn’t have quite enough for a second, but her orgasm kept on, so I did the only thing I could think of, I pushed what was in my mouth down inside of her, and kept on licking. She bucked, screamed, and hyperventilated, for what seemed like forever. I kept on going, determined to draw this out for as long as I could. She squirted two more times, just little spurts, but I was impressed she had anything left. I still had no air, not that I gave a shit. -- Applejack relaxed just before I was going to black out. I rolled onto my back and tried to catch my breath. Applejack slid down fully onto her back, doing the same. “Woooow...” I very shakily crawled the two feet up to kiss her. She did even better. As I went to kiss her, she grabbed me in one very strong power hug and rolled me onto my back, her on top of me. “Thank you... so much.” She said nuzzling into me, seriously out of breath. I more of wheezed than laughed. “Ah love you, Applesquirt.” Applejack had the slightest laugh, then grabbed my head and kissed me. We were both out of breath, so it wasn’t a long kiss. Then she wheeze-laughed. “Ya’ll are really cute cross-eyed.” I hugged her. “An’ ya’ll are really cute all the time.” She nuzzled into me and I closed my eyes, just laying there while we both caught our breath. -- “Were you just... were you... eating her out?” I heard Rainbow Dash say seconds later. Applejack jumped and looked back at Rainbow’s bedroom door. My eyes finally focused and I looked too. Rainbow, Vinyl, and Spitfire were standing there, looking incredibly shocked. Both Pegasi seemed very excited, their wings fully extended like that... oh, and Spitfire took her suit off. Applejack rolled off of me and onto the floor, where her hind legs almost gave out. “How long were you three there?” Rainbow replied slowly. “Uhh... well... we heard you say you were close, so we figured you were almost done with him. Heh, guess we were wrong.” She still walked over to the bed and hopped on. “Well, ARE you done, Applejack?” Applejack crawled back on the bed, and straddled my stomach. “You wish Rainbow. But still, since yer here...” She pointed at my face, and Rainbow seriously squeed. “Really!?” Applejack smirked. “It’d be mighty rude of me not to share. Besides, he seems to like it.” I sat up to kiss her, only to be pushed back down. She leaned down and kissed me instead. When she broke the kiss she kept her face close to mine. “Ya’ll are just gonna lay there. Ah wanna see what kind o noises we can get outta you.” Vinyl and Spitfire wandered over, both of them had the same sly smile on. Applejack had it too. So did Rainbow. Honestly, I got a little scared. I found myself imagining some pretty greasy shit. Who knows what get’s these girls off. Applejack put her hooves on my shoulders, straddling me just above my... I’ll just stick with manhood... with one evil smile. “Ah got plans fer you tonight, big guy.” With that, she leaned back and took me in, fully. Closing her eyes and gasping slightly. I locked up... it was too good. I gritted my teeth and clenched my eyes shut, grunting loudly. Applejack slid forward on my stomach until I was almost out, then pushed herself back with her forelegs, taking me in again. She did it again, and again, and again. Each time gasping on the way in, and exhaling on the way out. I was grunting in time with her gasps. Still unable to move. Applejack kept a slow pace of thrusting while I fought to gain control. Vinyl and Spitfire each took a wing. Oh fuck. They massaged my wings for less than a second before my body relaxed and started twitching, making Applejack seem much more energetic in her motions. She started thrusting faster, her gasps becoming shorter and more frequent, eventually falling out of time with her hips. I was in heaven. Applejack was thrusting fast, but gentle. Her hips never losing contact with me, just sliding up my belly, then back down. It was so much better then what I thought it would be if she was just lifting off of me and slamming back down. Remember, I’m 3 times more sensitive to that stuff than a regular pony. Vinyl had my right wing, Spitfire my left. They knew what they were doing, too. Rubbing in all the right places, making me grunt, twitch, and moan with each little rub. Rainbow Dash finally took her position, sitting right between my shoulders. Applejack hugged her from behind and kept her pace, making Rainbow lean forward a little. I took control of my forelegs and grabbed Rainbow by the cutie marks. I wasn’t going to waste time with her. Applejack was nearing her breaking point, along with me. I had to struggle to keep from losing control of myself. There was no way I’d be able to keep going if I slowed down. Sorry, Dashie, next time. -- I drove my tongue into Rainbow’s sex, making her jump and squeal with delight. She seemed to like it fast and to the point. I could work with that. I started working her with my tongue while trying to thrust in time with Applejack. Now that I could move, I was going to get them off. I wished I could have done something for the girls working my wings over. Vinyl and Spitfire helped me with that, by starting to rub their tender areas on my wings. I drove them up so that they would have a decent angle to do their thing. That was all I could do. Applejack had me from the waist down, Rainbow from the shoulders up, Vinyl on the right wing, and Spitfire on the left. I silently thanked whatever forces run Equestria that Pinkie Pie wasn’t there. Only because if she was then somepony would be left out. -- Rainbow smelled and tasted so good. Like a slightly... less potent Applejack. She was so much more energetic, though. She grabbed my mane and held it while she thrusted into my face. Fuck, why was I squeaking? Oh, there goes my vision again. How can Ditzy see cross eyed? -- Rainbow didn’t last nearly as long as Applejack. I felt her much wetter slit start to twitch and squeeze my tongue just as Applejack’s thrusting got to be too much for me. I moved my hooves from Rainbow’s hips to Applejack’s and slowed her down a bit. At least... I tried to. Applejack was there. I was going over the edge. Rainbow was starting to squirt, almost as much as Applejack. Oh, fuck. I lost concentration on Rainbow for just a second. She squealed and squirted straight into my nose, into my eyes, across the rest of my face, and her fluids were running into my mane. Any other fluid and I would have hated it. As it was... best moment of my life. Applejack squealed. “OOOOH! AH’M GONNA... AGAIN... AAAAAHHH! ...OOOHH!!!” I grunted one last time. Barely able to put together words. “A-AH... A-AH’M... G-G-GONNA... FUCK-K... J-Jackie!!!” Needless to say... I came. Holy fuck... did I ever. Applejack was Soooooo tight. That, combined with how slick she was from that first orgasm, her impressive skill at working me over, and Rainbow Dash planted on my face while Vinyl and Spitfire were grinding on my wings... oh, look. My wings are wet. Now I feel really good. I helped make four girls orgasm... All those things combined drove me into the most extreme top out any dude could have. It was a new experience for me. My body locked up, again..., I made the weirdest noise I’ve ever heard, like a muffled scream mixed with a long grunt and a squeak, and every sense but touch dulled. Not bad. Not bad at all. -- It took me a good while to come down off of that, and even longer to be able to move and think. My eyes refused to straighten out. Rainbow moved in beside Spitfire to catch her breath and wait her turn. Applejack just laid on me for what must have been at least half an hour, resting her head on my chest and closing her eyes, not even taking me out. Vinyl laid back on my wing, just like Spitfire and Rainbow. Me? I hugged Applejack like my life depended on it. -- Five minutes later Applejack pulled me out and laid back between Vinyl and me. “Wow. Ah never would’a guessed havin’ a real one in me feels so much better.” Okay, that is... kinda hot. I grabbed Applejack with what I had for strength and kissed her. She kissed back with her remaining strength. That amounted to a really sloppy, drooly mashing of faces. As soon as we broke the kiss I asked. “Did ah do good, Jackie?” She smiled warmly and gave me a hug. “Ya did better than good, Jens. Ya did great.” EEEEEEE!!! I DID GREAT!!! -- Rainbow moved her sexy ass into position on top of me, then kissed me. Fuck, keep it down man, keep it down. “Wanna do somethin’ fun?” She asked while I fought to get my vision to focus. I nodded. “Yeah, just go easy on me, it’s muh first time.” Rainbow kissed me again. “I’ll go easy, big guy.” She grabbed my forehooves from her flanks, then added, “This is the first time I’ve done this with a boy. Why don’t we find out if you can handle more than Applejack.” When she finished talking, my legs were straight out in a ponified spread-eagle. Applejack was tugging on my hind legs. Then Rainbow and Applejack quickly fastened the straps. Oh, fuck. To be honest, I freaked out a little. “Uhh... *GULP* ...Rainbow? W-what are ya doin’?” She responded by stuffing something in my mouth and tying it in place, then licking my left cheek and speaking into my ear in a very... aroused tone. “Don’t struggle, Jens. You’re MY toy now, my little squeak toy, and I’m gonna play with you til I pass out... or you do.” I almost passed out hearing that. Rainbow kept me awake by licking my chest. That felt sooo good. Then she started grinding herself on me. I noticed that Applejack left a wet patch from where my belly button would be all the way to my crotch. Rainbow Dash was extending that all the way up to my neck, gasping softly every once in a while. Fuck, that felt SOOOO GOOD! It only got better when Spitfire started grinding on my wing again. Vinyl snuggled up against me and whispered. “I wanna wait til’ our birthday to do it. Cuz’ I want you to do me on stage, while everypony watches.” Ohhh... everypony watching us... well, if she really wants to... Rainbow started making her ‘getting close’ sounds right after Vinyl said that. She grabbed my head, removed the gag, and forced her crotch into my face. Goodbye, air. Her second orgasm was way more violent than her first. She literally sat crotch first on my face and thrusted as hard as she could trying to get my mouth open. I complied and lapped at her nub a few times. Her face scrunched up as she squealed and put one hoof behind her head and used the other to hold mine in place. Crazy amounts of girl juice must be a pony thing. Rainbow came, and came, and came... until I couldn’t keep up and just let it fill my mouth and flow down my cheeks. Fuck alcohol, I was getting a way better buzz off of this. Three mouthfuls of Rainbow Dash will get you fucked up, not to mention the smell, and the feel of letting the fourth mouthful flow down your face. To put this into perspective, each mouthful for me is about a shot glass full. So four shot glasses of pony love juice came out of Rainbow Dash. Holy fuck is that a lot. Applejack made less than two, but it was so much more concentrated. Seriously, if you could synthesize that... -- Rainbow Dash let me breathe long before I had to. Still... before I caught two breaths she grabbed my head and jammed her tongue in my mouth, making me happier than ever. Fuck... she didn’t last as long as Applejack, and definitely wasn’t as potent between her hind legs, but she’s a WAY better kisser... and better at making me squirm... Rainbow literally started licking my right ear. I literally started squirming and making sounds that nothing should make. Alive or not- AAAAHHHH... Rainbow bit my ear. In such a good way. Like she was biting her lower lip, but my ear was in the way. She tugged... I dam near blew. The best part was when she started sucking on it. Holy fuck... “You’re taking too long, Rainbow Dash. Watch out.” Spitfire announced right before she pulled Rainbow away and sat her crotch on my face. Rainbow didn’t protest, she just found a comfy spot right on the pillow, right above my head, and started rubbing herself with both hooves. Spitfire added. “You look like you’re gonna pass out. You sure you don’t wanna stop?” That was pretty true. You wouldn’t think being on the bottom the entire time would be very hard but... eating out one girl, then fucking her with another plastered on your face while pushing up with wings for two others, then getting tied up, and worked some more... let’s not forget the squirming and shit I can’t control... and running over 2 kms to get here... yeah, I was gonna sleep well after this. Anyway... “Nah... *HUFF* Ah c’n... *HUFF* keep goin’... *HUFF* as long as ya need... *HUFF... HUFF* S-Spitfire...” I got a VERY sceptical look from Spitfire. “ Well, just in case, let’s get down to busin- AAAAHH! Ooohh!...” I licked her. I had to at least taste her first. She is... spicy. Her scent and her taste. Like... I don’t know. Something kind of spicy. It suited her, anyway. She pulled back, bent down, and finally kissed me. Her mouth tasted spicy too. “Sorry, I never had a buck that wanted to lick me down there. I... gotta get used to the idea. Mares, I can handle. You... I’ll need a few drinks the first time.” Wow... was her face ever red. Spitfire had other bucks... Meh. Practice makes perfect. She slid back and took me in. We both gasped, and moaned a second later. She was sooo tight. Seriously, she definitely didn’t have many bucks. She wasn’t as tight as Applejack, but dam close. My guess is she hadn’t had anything in her in a long time. She leaned back and put her forehooves on my belly, then started thrusting up and down. I looked at Rainbow while I panted and squirmed. She came again while I was trying to tongue spitfire. Her hooves were soaked, and the pillow had a wet stain on it. She looked at me and smiled before getting up and grinding on my chest again. “Y-Ya wanna... AAHH! ...l-lick me... OOOHH! ...a-again?... HAAA!” I nodded, and she slid her crotch up to my mouth. Spitfire quietly gasped and squeaked while we fucked. Rainbow squealed and squeezed my head with her thighs every time my tongue moved. I squirmed, squeaked, moaned, gasped when I could, and made every effort I could to thrust while I licked. I noticed Rainbow was cross-eyed. She’s definitely the most sensitive of the bunch... Rainbow came right away. I lapped at her slit while she laid back against Spitfire, who rubbed her wings as fast as she fucked me. Which wasn’t really fast, neither of us could do fast at the moment. Rainbow softly huffed while she came down off of her fourth orgasm. Spitfire knew how to make sex last. She found a rhythm that worked for both of us and kept it for a long time. I matched it, but I could only move an inch or two. Spitfire did most of the work. Hey, I was tied up, tired, and had Rainbow Dash laying on me. Wasn’t a lot of work I could do. Rainbow flipped over so she was lying face to face with me. Her eyes straightened out, so we got a good look into each other’s eyes. I saw fire in her eyes. Fire and... Something I hadn’t seen before. Desire? Horny? I also saw her face was bright red. Mine probably was too. She closed her eyes halfway and lowered her face to mine. Of all the times for a romantic kiss... there’s probably not a better one. Our super romance-y kiss lasted for all of about five seconds before Rainbow wrapped her forelegs around my neck and drove her tongue down my throat. YAY! So, Rainbow was making out with me, very... I think passionately is the word... while Spitfire and I were getting really close to releasing our respective fluids. Rainbow was also grinding on me again. Applejack and Vinyl were watching us and rubbing themselves. -- Squirting and crazy amounts of fluids must be a pony thing. Spitfire came first. All over the place. Squeaking and puffing quietly. Right before I blew she pulled me out. Then she grabbed a chunk of cloud about the size of a basketball and slammed me into it. Rainbow found a reeeallyyyy good spot on my belly to grind on. I came. Straight into that piece of cloud. I was making a lot of noise, but it was mostly muffled by Rainbow’s tongue. She came right after that, her sounds mostly muffled by my tongue. Rainbow removed her tongue from my mouth and pulled away, panting almost as much as I was. “Why don’t we call it a night? You look pretty worn out, and I got a lot to do in the morning.” I wheezed and panted out my reply. “Yeah... call it... *HUFF* ...a night... *HUFF* ...sorry I couldn’t ... *HUFF* ...perform fer ya...” Rainbow went to remove the straps holding me to her bed, but her hind legs gave out when she tried to get up. Vinyl undid them for her. I heard the Velcro (I know, right?) tear apart when she tugged on the ends, finally giving me the chance to grab Rainbow and hug her. She wrapped her forelegs around me and hugged me back... and kissed me again. No tongue, just a nice kissy-kiss. She broke the nice soft kiss and laid her head down on my neck, nuzzling my chin “You were awesome. Nopony ever licked me down there until I came before. I’ve done it, a lot... and I like it. But nopony ever finished the job for me. Everypony says I’m creepy because I do it. Like it’s pee or something.” I tried to reply. I really did. But my body was crashing. Make fun of me if you will, but two pony-gasms is too much for me. Still... not bad for my first time. Rainbow moved a little higher up on her bed and motioned me to move up next to her. I didn’t. I hugged her waist and nuzzled into her belly. She didn’t seem to mind at all. In fact, she started petting me. Yeah, she was petting me. Know what? I loved it. Vinyl decided to use me for a mattress, while Spitfire and Applejack nuzzled in under my wings. And, as nice as that was, Rainbow was the one making me purr-WAIT! Was I seriously purring...? Aw, fuck it. Nappy times for me. Night night... -- Author’s note: Holy fuck did this take a long time, eh? Sorry ‘bout that. Been trying to get some personal shit in gear. I should be able to write chapters a lot quicker now though. and I figured myself out a plan: this is probably going to be the first in a series of related fics, probably ending in a fallout: Equestria fic. Just kinda throwin it together as I go here... But first I’m gonna finish this fic, then polish it out. After grinding, body filler, some fibreglass... Chapter 4A DIFFERENT KIND OF EVIL MLP:FIM FANFIC Chapter 4: The first time I saw Ditzy Doo (I prefer Ditzy because Derpy well... you’ll see) and Vinyl Scratch, my tied for second two favourite ponies after Applejack, they were sitting at a table together, while at the same time being made fun of by those douchebags that made fun of Rainbow Dash in sonic rainboom. We were walking through what I’m guessing was a resturant district when I noticed them. It was kind of hard to miss, though. Even through welding-goggle dark sunglasses. They were sitting at a table, having a drink, and a few tables over the douchebag trio was yelling insults. Things like “Hey derpy, drop anything lately?” (Hint about my Derpy deal) or “Your music sucks DJ CHOKE-3.” I veered off in that general direction and strapped my vest back on. The three douchebags were facing away from me so I wandered up right behind them and did the deep voice again, this time with accent. “Is ‘ere a problem here?” the tall one spun around. “Why do you care?” I leaned in real close. “Ah asked ya a question. Is. ‘Ere. A. Problem. Here.” They all got up. The short one spoke next. “Maybe there is. What’s it to ya?” I looked at him through my glasses. “Well, ah don’t take very kindly to anyone who makes fun of others.” The shorter ones started to walk around me. The tall one just stood there. “Well that’s none of your business.” I kept good eyes on the other two. “All ah’m askin is that ya’ll stop makin fun of them two girls over there. They don’t look like they done anythin wrong.” The two short ones were on my right and left side. The shortest spoke. “Why don’t you leave before this gets worse.” Ditzy Doo spoke up. She had a... different voice. “Come on, guy’s. Just leave him alone.” The tall one turned to her. “Shut up Derpy. Both of you mind your own freaky-eyed business.” I took off my glasses and set them on the table. “Insult either of them again, ah’ll beat the shit outta ya.” He looked at me and almost jumped back when he saw my eyes. Then he started laughing. “Hey guys, looks like the big hero’s blind.” I rolled my eyes. “Ah’m not blind.” I don’t know when the girls noticed I wasn’t there, but now they were right behind me. At least Applejack was. “Geez, Jens. Ah take mah eyes off ya fer one second and ya get into a fight.” I looked back at her and smiled. “It’s not a fight yet. These here fuck-fucks still got the chance to apologize and leave here conscious.” The tall one got brave. Bad fucking idea. “We’re not apologizing to the goofy-eyed twins.” “Don’t test me.” Vinyl walked over. “This buck’s twice your size there, chubby. Just let it be.” Her and Twilight shared a quick hi before she turned to me and held out a hoof. “Name’s Vinyl Scratch, local DJ, fireworks tech.” She set me up to good. Had to do it... I shook her hoof. “Jens Kristiansen, escaped convict, murderer.” Everypony except us involved left in a screaming panic. Only Applejack, Pinkie, Dash, Twilight, and me were in control of our bodies. (As in, Vinyl, Ditzy, and the three douchebags were shaking in their hooves.) The girls and me all started laughing our asses off. “sorry, ah had t’ do that. Nah, ah’m new in town.” that was good for Vinyl and Ditzy, but the three fags were still scared. Probably because if we did end up scrappin, they might be fighting a killer strapped with weapons. (I thought that might have discouraged them in the first place, but...) Ditzy worked up the courage to come over then. “Umm, hi. I’m Ditzy Doo.” I shook her hoof. The three fags got over their shock right about then. “Hey, why don’t you little fillies let the bucks talk here?” Vinyl gave a dismissive wave of her hoof. “Shut up, hoops.” That was the tall one. He slapped Vinyl on the back of the head, hard enough to knock her glasses off. That was it. “It’s on now boy!” I jumped at him and started punching. One. Two. Three to the gut. Hard. One to the face, not hard, just enough to leave him dazed. The two short ones ran at me at the same time. I stuck a hoof out to catch one by the face and flip him onto his back, then a hard left to the face to knock his sorry ass out. The other one I flipped over my back onto the ground on his and quickly put him in a headlock. “Now, apologize.” He was pulling at my foreleg trying to get out. “I’m not apologizing to those freaky eyed little filly-foolers.” That was kind of surprising. I tightened my grip so he actually had trouble breathing. “We both know that aint true. In fact, ah’d say they have very pretty eyes.” Ditzy and Vinyl blushed hard. “So, apologize, or ah’ll make sure yer last conscious sight today is my hoof.” I loosened my grip a little. “You like them so much? You say it.” I squeezed his throat for a few seconds, then dropped him. His one buddy was starting to get up. “Ya know what the sad part o all this is?” I gestured to Pinkie with a hoof. “She can easily kick muh ass, when ah’m in perfect health...” I pulled the side of my vest open to expose the bandages, which were actually pretty bloody now, not good. “And ah just kicked all three o yer asses after ah just got shot.” Vinyl and Ditzy Doo stared in horror at the bandages. The two conscious douchebags did too. Rainbow Dash wandered over and had a look. “You should really let Twilight fix that.” the two douchebags did their last stupid thing of the day. “Why do you care? Rainbow Crash.” I dropped the short one with a hard right, then the tall one. “Let’s get outta here.” We started walking again, Vinyl and Ditzy following us, asking all kinds of questions. “Where did you learn that!?” “Ah kinda just made it up.” That was so true. I never learned any kind of martial arts, but that was some crazy shit. “Where are you from?” that was unexpected, but it had to have come up eventually. I lied. “Ah don’t really know.” She followed up with more questions as we went on our way, apparently with two more mares than before. -- We didn’t get far before I started to feel dizzy and get a little weak. “Uh, girls. Ah think... ah think ah... got a...problem here.” CRASH!!! Face first into a garbage can. I wasn’t out, but I was down. “Ah think ah’ll jus have a nap here.” Twilight picked me up with her magic... Out of the pile of garbage I was laying in. “Oh, this is bad. We have to hurry.” I won’t go into detail about the whole trip, just that I was acting like I was on acid from the blood loss. -- Twilight blew through her front door, dropped me face up on the couch, and started looking for a book that might help. Didn’t take her more than five seconds to find it. Don’t remember the title, or much else. Just that she ripped off the bandages, closed the wound up, and somehow magically conjured up enough blood to keep me alive and to help me more or less feel better. (Fucking SWEET!) I was awake, but I was feeling a little weak. I wasn’t about to complain. I had six hot girls hovering over me. (Yes, I think Ditzy’s hot, deal with it.) -- Twilight eventually got calmed down enough to remember she wanted to “examine” me. (I still think she was just looking for an excuse to check me out) she made me lay face down on a mat on the floor and spread out my wings. I insisted on recording this. Not that anypony cared. So I started up my mp3 player’s voice recorder. (Yeah I got one. Paid all of 20 bucks for it too.) Right around then Spike wandered in. “Uhh, Twilight? Who is this guy?” “He’s... a friend.” I was gonna get up and say hi, but I was feeling lazy. So I stuck out a hoof in his general direction. “What’s up? Names Jens.” He shook my hoof. “I’m Spike.” Twilight butted in. “Spike, take notes please. You ready Jens?” not really but... “Oh yeah, my body is so ready.” Vinyl giggled. She had the cutest one so far. “Your voice changed.” Right, just met her. “Yeah, my accent is weird like that. Comes and go- H-H-HOLY SHIT!!!” Twilight cast a spell that is basically the Equestrian version of an MRI. My skin turned clear, as did my blood, and all of the internal shit became visible. Couldn’t help but look back and check out what was going on. Sweet. You know your day isn’t so bad when you can watch your heart beat without ripping open your chest. Twilight had control over what she saw to. She could see organs, blood vessels, anything she wanted. Whatever she didn’t want to see was invisible. She got started. “Spike, write this down. Internal organs: normal positioning, appear to be healthy, WAIT! There is no appendix. This is strange.” I almost laughed. “Yeah, I got that taken out a few years ago.” Everypony (and dragon) stared at me. “What? I had an... accident... with a car jump a few years ago, it was... damaged, Doctors took it out to save my life, no big deal.” At the same time they all yelled: “OF COURSE IT’S A BIG DEAL!” I just shook my head. “Whatever, it’s gone. Let’s leave it at that.” that was apparently good enough. “Okay. Spike, keep writing. Skeleton: standard Pegasus structure, but, they’re thicker, and appear to have some kind of coating, they must be much stronger than regular bones, but the subject is still as light as a Pegasus his size should be. I’ve never seen anything like this.” Everypony besides Twilight was either looking at, or hearing something really scary, or really exciting, judging by the expressions on their faces. I was really excited. I was learning about all the “upgrades” whoever it was gave me. I picked back up on twilights observations. “...and appear to be in the normal position. Muscles: very strange. They are... big, overdeveloped. I don’t know if it’s magic, or what. But whatever made the changes to the subject is definitely more advanced than anything I’ve come across.” She started poking me in different places. And it felt good. “The muscles are soft when they aren’t being used, but they seem to be compacted for some reason. Jens, can you flex your stomach and chest muscles?” I did, and I heard more than one pony gasp. Talk about an ego boost. “Oh my... um...” she started poking again. Fuck. “I... uhh...” she stopped poking and started rubbing. Holy sweet fuck, I am so going to hell for letting her do this, not that I could move, much less speak. “So... the subject’s muscles drastically reduce in size when they are not in use, making him appear slightly weaker than he actually is. Not to say he is small. In fact, he is about as tall as Princess Luna, maybe taller.” Her rubbing got a little too close to my wings. POMF! The creepy part is that no one noticed. Except maybe Spike. Then she started rubbing my wings directly. Too good. I closed my eyes, plopped my head down, and started trying not to moan. She kept going, all the way along the underside, then along the leading edge. I started biting my tongue to try and avoid letting out a moan. It took a minute, but she did stop. “Uhh, it appears the subject’s wings are missing critical flight feathers.” I craned my neck to look at her. “What!?” she had an apologetic look. “Sorry, but it looks like you can’t fly, at least not right now.” Well fuck. That sucks. -- After a few minutes of explanation I got the gist of it. Feathers needed to fly are gone, but they will grow back. Twilight continued examining me, now writing her own notes. She didn’t speak until she came across another difference between me and a regular pony. “Oh, this is interesting.” Applejack looked confused. “What is, Twi?” Twilight did something where everything, bones, organs, muscles, etc. turned invisible. All except tiny red glowing lines all over my body. There were barely any on my sides and legs, but there were so many on my back, wings, my entire underside, around where my cutie marks were, and on my... package, that they were pretty much solid red. Twilight pointed at my neck. “There appears to be a huge concentration on the back of his neck too.” Applejack pushed my head down and held it. “What are these? They’re even on his ears and in his mouth. Ah don’t think... oh. Ah get it. Thanks fer showin me these, Twilight. Ah owe you one.” Everypony except Twi, AJ, and me pretty much said in unison: “what are they?” I knew. I wish I didn’t, but I knew. Twilight answered them. “These are his nerves. The more concentrated they are, the more sensitive that area is. But his are not at all like a pony’s. Well, the pattern is the same, but the amount is different. It looks like most of the nerves from the less sensitive areas have been moved to more sensitive areas.” Twilight’s head shot up, her expression just screamed realization. “That’s why you didn’t feel it when you got shot!” I held a hoof out to stop her. “I felt it, but it didn’t hurt that bad.” She put a hoof on the back of my neck, and I locked up. That was new. NOT! “So, you can feel if something touches you, just getting injured in those areas doesn’t hurt as much?” I didn’t answer, because her hoof was on pretty much the second most sensitive part of my body. I think you can guess the one area more sensitive. (Two if you include my wings) Twilight shook her hoof. She might as well have started rubbing again. “Jens?” I grunted. I tried not to, but it was useless. She shook again. “You okay?” I tilted my head back and let out a big groan. Shuddering like a champ. I seriously tried not to, I really did. But you try getting a super sensitive area handled by Twilight and not make noise. The back of my neck is super fucking sensitive. Absolutely no part of the human body would come close. Not one part. Anyway, Twilight drew her hoof back. “OH! I’m so so- wait! You liked that, didn’t you?” it took me a second to recover, but I did. “I didn’t so much like it as was surprised by it. Never knew that my neck was so sensitive. Or that you had a natural talent for handling my body.” She was blushing with a vengeance. “Uhh... thank you?” everypony, including me, was wishing for a distraction, and blushing like a motherfucker. Awkward moment right here. -- Luckily Equestria’s timing is awesome like that. Spike cane running down the stairs. Not sure when he left. “Twilight! The princesses are here!” Not surprising, still shocking. Almost expected both of them to show up. I looked to Twilight after AJ let me get up. “Twilight!? I thought you only wrote to Luna. You did, right?” “Calm down, Jens.” Celestia said as she walked in. She knew my name!? Oh, now it makes sense. I was still scared though. She continued. “It’s good to see you’re adjusting to being a pony, though I do wish you would have waited before getting into two fights and sending three griffins and ponies to urgent care.” I hung my head down. “Sorry, ma’am.” Then Rainbow Dash came to my rescue. “It wasn’t his fault, really. Those griffins were gonna rob us, and-” Celestia cut her off. “I know, Rainbow Dash. I also know what the fight in the middle of town was about. I actually wish to thank you, Jens, for starting your main job early.” I just stared at her, confused. “Huh?” she rolled her eyes. “Not for beating up some bullies, but the griffin robbers. I don’t know if you know this, but Equestria’s... local forces, aren’t exactly top notch. Ponies just aren’t killers. Even the wonderbolts couldn’t take down those griffins, much less anything more serious, and they were the best we had. Until we found you, of course. And gave you some toys.” I was starting to get it. “So... ah’m your... what, spec-ops? Black-ops? Assassin? Give me a hint here.” Another roll of the eyes. “You are needed for a number of things. The most important one is to protect Equestria’s citizens from whatever is threatening their safety. There are many other things that will be asked of you in time. Some will be very simple, and most likely enjoyable. Others will be dangerous, perhaps even life-threatening. I need to know right now. Will you put yourself in harm’s way for Equestria?” I stood at attention and saluted. Mostly for show. “MA’AM YES MA’AM!” she almost looked surprised. “Would you please tell me why you seem so eager?” I figured I was pretty much Equestria’s entire capable military force, so I decided it would be fine to keep the show up. “MA’AM, BECAUSE IT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL PROUD, AND I WOULD BE A BITCH OF AN EXCUSE FOR A MAN IF AH DIDN’T, MA’AM!” she giggled a little bit. “Well, in that case, I need to speak to you, Twilight, and Applejack in private.” I noticed that Vinyl and Ditzy were looking at me funny. Might as well show them. I turned back into a human. They jumped, and pretty much had a seizure. I noticed something too, pony with no clothes on equals human in boxers and shorts. At least I wasn’t naked. Vinyl choked out a few words. “W-w-what a-are you?” I went back to being a pony. Not doing that again without clothes on. “Ah’m just a regular guy, with some small differences.” Luna took that as her cue. She pointed her horn at me and it started glowing. “That reminds us, we forgot to make one change.” I felt what she was doing. “Woah there, Luna. Ah don’t think ah need ya’ll messin around with muh private areas.” Everypony looked at Luna. “Did thou not want to impress mares that might make love to him?” I had to laugh. “Fuck sakes, Luna. Ah know ya’ll might not have wanted to look there, but ah think ah’m good enough. Besides, ah know how to impress a girl in the sack, it’s more than just size.” With that I followed Celestia, Twi, and AJ into Twilight’s bedroom. Everypony else was staring at me, jaws on the floor. And at least two mares in fantasy land. -- As soon as the door to Twilight’s room was shut, Princess Celestia got down to business. “Jens, you won’t understand this, but I think I should tell you regardless. Equestria is in danger. Not from any specific species, but from a group calling themselves the NEW RULE.” I was almost freaking out. She was telling me this, knowing I’m one guy. One guy that is definitely not special forces or anything really. Besides airsoft wars with a bunch of other teenagers, I have never really had actual combat experience. Even as good as I am this is some heavy shit. I mean, sure I’ve been shot at... multiple times... and that has probably been one of the safer things I have been involved in, but still. I turn eighteen in what? One, two... holy shit. Three days. Three days until my birthday. It took me a second to realize I was my train of thought derailed and killed everyone on board. After a good shake of my head I got back on track. “So... Equestria is being threatened by terrorists?” Celestia nodded. “Yes. They want a war. Their people versus Equestria. Normally, I would have the royal guards confront them and imprison them, but as I said, ponies just aren’t killers. These people calling themselves the NEW RULE are, and they have the means to do so. That is the real reason you are here.” My jaw was on the floor at yes. “The means to do so?” she hesitated before telling me. “You aren’t the first human to come to Equestria, and the others had weapons too.” I almost fell over. Equestria could still surprise me after all. “What kind of weapons? And how long have they been here?” Celestia just came right out. “They came here forty years ago. They have guns that would have been around during that time on earth, but they have been building them for about six years now. Any advancements they have made will be unknown to me. They have about two hundred... I guess you would call them insurgents, scattered around camps in different parts of Equestria. Exactly where, I don’t know. But I do know they plan to strike Canterlot in ten to twelve days.” I was borderline on insanity. “HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS!?” she started sounding more positive. “One of their own... defected... about two weeks ago and has been providing us with everything he knows.” “Another human?” she shook her head. “A pony.” I thought ponies just weren’t killers. Whatever. “Okay, okay, what you know about tactics, squad deployments, that kind of shit?” she raised an eyebrow. “Not much. I have tripled the number of royal guards on duty, and put watchers on all the roads near Canterlot.” I shook my head and facehoofed. “Don’t do that.” the eyebrow went higher. “Why?” “They’ll know someone is informing you and will change all of their plans. Then your Intel is worth precisely, dick.” She lowered that eyebrow. Finally. That thing is creepy. I started walking towards her. “Ah gotta ask ya somethin.” I took to staring at the floor right about then. “Look, ah’ll do anythin ah can to help, but ah need to know, why me? Ah mean, ah’m good, but ah turn eighteen in three days, ah aint exactly good with smart people stuff, an we both know ah ain’t very stable in the brain. Why didn’t ya choose someone more... educated?” Celestia giggled. Yeah, giggled. “That’s why.” I must have looked so confused. “Huh?” She put a hoof on my shoulder. “You are exactly what we were looking for. An unusual person. Someone who is very good at what he does, and can be good at other things if he needs to be, and will do what he needs to do. Someone who takes little notice to change, and simply adapts to suit the situation, which you seem to do very quickly. I won’t lie; Luna and I have been... watching you... for quite some time. We had to make sure we were bringing the right human. I don’t think we could have made a better choice. You say you aren’t smart, but you are. In a different way. I have seen some of your creations, and I must say, they are very good considering you built them by yourself in an afternoon, and you really are good at driving them. Nobody on this entire planet would dare to attempt the things you seem to do on a weekly, if not daily, basis.” She paused, like she was wondering what to say next. “I watched when you last went hunting. You move through the forest with such grace, such speed, but you hardly make a noise, and that outfit you wear makes you all but invisible when you aren’t moving. (She’s talking about my ghille suit) You handle your weapon perfectly judging by what I’ve seen, and I’ve seen that you are a good shot, even when you are moving. It’s a beautiful thing to watch. Except for the killing, I enjoy watching you hunt.” I had on one serious blush. I’m pretty sure she was just trying to flatter me into something. It was working, I would have jumped out a window if she told me to. “Thanks, ma’am.” She took her hoof off my shoulder and walked over to Applejack. “Applejack, I know about you two.” The face Applejack made was so freakin cute. Blood red cheeks, giant eyes, all that good stuff. “Well, ah, um, ya see, it’s just, um...” she was silenced by celesta’s hoof on her shoulder. “It’s alright, Applejack. I was hoping you two might find each other.” Both of us had our mouths open. “What?” Celestia giggled again. I hate myself for this, but I think it’s really cute. “You two seem like the perfect couple. Strong, dependable, loyal, and according to Twilight’s letter, very affectionate towards each other.” Applejack didn’t look too happy about that. “Twi, just what did ya’ll write in that letter?” it was Twilight’s turn to be red faced. “Oh, well... I wrote about Jens here, and his eyes, and about how he seemed so settled in almost immediately after getting here, and... I may have written a small paragraph about you two being so... drawn to each other... and how I was concerned you two might be getting... intimate... after just meeting each other, and that he isn’t exactly a real pony.” FINALLY!!! At long last, THAT came up. Applejack did pretty much the same thing she did at the spa, except her words were different. “Ah told ya, Twi. He’s MAH buck. Ah don’ care what ya’ll think about him, cuz AH like him.” I tackle-hugged her. Had to. “You’re so fucking awesome, I love yooouuu.” I really squeezed her at the end. Her and Celestia started laughing. “Well thanks, ya big softie.” I got right serious... kinda. “Only for you... and maybe a couple other girls... we’ll see.” Applejack burst out laughing, Twilight stared at me confused, and Celestia cleared her throat. “About that. You might consider not letting three mares do things to you outside... especially when Luna and I are flying overhead.” I let go of Applejack and stood straight up. More horrified than surprised. Twilight was switching between staring at me, Celestia, and Applejack. “WHAT!? You saw that?” Celestia giggled again. FUCK! “Yes. We were looking for you and when we found you... we decided to give you some time alone.” She gave me an evil smirk, then added. “With Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash.” Twilight took off down the stairs yelling something about something. The three of us that were left started laughing. I had to admit, as embarrassing as that was and will be, that was a good one. “Nice, Princess. Tactical trolling. Gonna add that one to my list of things to try on the battlefield.” We laughed a little longer before deciding to go and see how badly Twilight was overreacting. -- We made our way down the stairs eventually. They weren’t so much stairs as a big ramp. Twilight was taking that news better than I expected. She only was screaming a little bit. “Why would you do that!? You hardly know him!” Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie seemed to be calm as can be. “Well, Applejack trusts him. Shouldn’t that be good enough?” Twilight jabbed a hoof at Pinkie Pie. “But YOU were the ones having sex with him.” Everypony except Twi, Vinyl, and Ditzy exploded in laughter. “No, no, Twi. We were jus makin out. The furthest those two got was muh wings.” Luna spoke up. “The way you were squirming, we could have gotten the wrong idea.” My face turned beet red. “Ah think that had somethin to do with your little modifications. Thanks, by the way.” Luna raised an eyebrow. Not as creepy as her sister. “Why are you thanking us?” I passed a hoof over my body. “Fer this. Ah like bein a pony way better than bein a human. Minus the fact ah don’t have hands.” Everypony looked at me. Vinyl and Ditzy looked at me funny. “What? Somethin wrong with that?” Applejack stuck her face right in front of mine. Her eyes were huge. “Ya mean... ya’ll... don’t like bein human?” I put a hoof on her cheek. “Not when this is the alternative. Besides, ah don’t think a six foot tall hairless monkey has much... sexual appeal to ya.” Applejack leaned forward and kissed me, then pushed until I was on my back again, keeping contact the whole time. Fuck Equestria is awesome. She didn’t stop until Vinyl started talking. “Aww. They look so cute together.” Applejack broke the kiss and jumped up, leaving me stunned. Takes me a second to wrap my head around the fact someone is kissing me. -- After all of the awws and giggles stopped I remembered a bunch of things I wanted to know. “Hey, what’s it look like when I go between human and pony?” Rainbow Dash answered. “It’s awesome! You like... EXPLODE in lightning and then you’re changed.” That is awesome. I found my vest and strapped it on. Celestia asked. “What are you doing?” I looked up at her. “I’m just trying some things. Give me a sec. I turned human, and I was clothed. So, pony with any clothing on equals fully clothed human. Good. I went back to pony and pulled a knife out. This is kind of where I get weirded out. The knife was kind of in my wrist, but I had a good grip on it. Equestrian physics prove useful. I flipped it around my hoof a few times. Worked good, better than I used to be able to. Modifications include hand-eye coordination, or hoof-eye, depending what form I’m using. I did some more shit but I will skip that. Celestia had some more shit to finish. -- Celestia asked us all to sit around while she explained some shit. Ditzy left after remembering she had something to do, but that still left nine of us including Spike. Anyway, Celestia started with the bad news. “Twilight, I have a favour to ask.” She turned to me and Applejack. (Of course we were sitting together, well, she was sitting on my lap, and I was sitting like Lyra hugging her. That got some laughs.) “Now, as much as I would like to let you stay with Applejack. I need you close to town in case I need to contact you. So I have to ask you to stay here, with Twilight.” SHIT. SHIT. FUCK. SHIT!!! That made both me and Applejack sink. Celestia did look apologetic. “I’m sorry, but that’s the way it has to be. You are free to do what you want during the day, as long as we can find you, but you have to be here during the night.” She put on a big idea face. “At least, you have to be in town. Deal?” I pouted like a little kid. “Okay.” Celestia looked to the window. “Speaking of which. It will be sundown in a few hours.” She pulled a bag out from under her wings and tossed it to me. I gave it a quick look. “What’s this?” Luna stood up. “We are asking a lot of you. Did you not think we would pay you?” I thought about it. “Never crossed my mind.” That’s when my day took a bad turn. Celestia stood up. “I almost forgot. I wanted to wait until you were awake before I did this. Applejack, you may want to move.” She did, and went to the other side of the room with the others. I stood up, looking really worried. Celestia added. “Let’s just call this an early birthday present.” Her horn started glowing and she pointed it at me. “Now this may hurt a bit.” I felt her magic pick me off of the ground. Then it started hurting, really bad. As in, worse than when I was still in my room. Way, way worse. I was thrashing around screaming. “AAAHHHH!!! F-FUUUCCK!!! GAHHHH!!!” I managed to look at a foreleg. Electricity was arcing over my skin. I felt that, and a serious burning on my head and around my tail. It didn’t stop either, it kept getting worse. The burning got really fucking bad, and I felt something pulling at my wings so hard I thought it would tear them off. Even screaming was painful, and I couldn’t stop. The best I did was let out a gurgling scream. I heard Applejack screaming too, but she was screaming words. “Please, Princess. You’re hurting him! Just stop! PLEASE!!!” Celestia let up a bit. Enough so I could kind of speak. “w-what the fuck? AAHH!!!” I saw everypony standing behind her. They looked absolutely horrified. Luna walked up beside her sister and her horn started glowing. “We are almost done, just one last push. This will hurt much more, though.” My eyes were wide open, but my irises were the smallest they could get. A ball of blue light formed just in front of me and started moving towards my chest. “N-NO! PLEASE, STOP!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!” as soon as it touched me everything got a lot brighter, and the pain was back. It was way worse though, just as Luna promised. I lost the ability to scream. At least, I lost the ability to hear myself scream. I watched Applejack start to tear up. I felt my chest getting ripped open and something really fucking hot stuck inside. My hearing came back and I managed to scream one more time before I heard the loudest explosion I ever heard, and saw the brightest flash I ever seen, and I’ve been a test subject of police flashbangs for the local SWAT team. The blast sent me through the front door, blowing it apart. I remember flying through the air, my head hitting something hard, and then blackness.
INTROA DIFFERENT KIND OF EVIL MLP: FIM FANFIC INTRODUCTION Alright, where to start, my name is Jens Kristiansen, I am a 17, almost 18 year old Canadian, and the first redneck brony. A few things you should know right off the bat, I am a very stereotypical redneck so, you know, guns, cars, explosives, all that good stuff is my area of expertise. I have been shot at a few times, and don’t judge me, but I like it, don’t know why, just do. English, or writing in general does not exactly hold my attention (still in grade 10, failed all English classes, best mark was 23%, and got 98% in welding, go figure) I don’t usually speak in an accent, but sometimes I sound like Larry the cable guy. So if I butcher the language don’t bitch. I do sound a lot smarter when I write, but trust me, my verbal vocabulary is very small, and composed mostly of swears. So ya, let’s do this bitch. Alright, let’s start this off with a philosophy. Since the beginning of time there has been the ongoing battle of good and evil. In most cases, good conquers evil and all is well. But in extremely rare cases, the power of good is overwhelmed and evil takes hold of a land. Often times this is where good must find an ally, a force that has supremacy over evil, but does not fit the regular definition of good. A force that can fight evil without faltering, a force that is good at heart, but simply is much too corrupted to be considered good. Sometimes, the only thing that can conquer evil, is a different kind of evil. It was just another friday for me, woke up, bussed it to school, sat through both English classes, gave ‘er shit in construction, and bussed ‘er home. I worked away in my garage on a few projects, nothing special, just another lawnmower for some dude. (it was winter! what the fuck?) Finished that right away and decided to check out some pony content. Did that for awhile, and decided to head er to bed early, the next thing I remember was, at the time, the weirdest experience of my life. All around me I started hearing voices, familiar ones, but not ones I ever expected to hear without electronics broadcasting them into my ear, yup, you guessed it, 6 specific female pony voices. They were all speaking at once though, like they were arguing about something. At least I was home alone that weekend, because my first rational thought was to yell “HELLO?” the next thing that happened had me pretty sure I was losing it, Pinkie Pie answered. “hello? Who’s there? Where are you? Are you invisible? OOOH! Are you hiding? Are we playing hide and seek? Are you in here? No. Here? No. Oh, I give up, come on out. OLLIE OLLIE OXEN-FREE!” Since I lost it already, I figured answering wouldn’t hurt. “No Pinkie Pie, I’m not hiding. In fact, I don’t even think we’re on the same planet.” Yup, hundred percent, I’m the first clinically insane brony. At least I’ve got company when I get tossed in the padded room. Twilight was the next to speak. “Alright mister alien, sir, two things. First, how do you know her name? Second, how can we hear each other if you’re on another planet?” Okay, dilemma, should I tell them how many grown men watch them with the focus of a thousand college students, or just condemn myself? Alright, you guys owe me one. “Well, for the first thing, Twilight, let’s just say I’ve been... watching, you and your friends for about a year now. For the second thing, my mind is just as much of a cluster-fuck about this as yours.” They all gasped. Fuck, I offended them, well, the four I gave a damn about, Fluttershy and Rarity could fuck off. But I continued, “Now I’ve got a couple questions, first off, are you all in a private place? Cuz I’d hate to embarrass you all by talking to you. Second, how did you know I’m a dude?” at least one of them answered, but it wasn’t the answer I expected. “Well excuse me, my dear sir, but there is no need for such foul language.” Well, I hated her, but she was right. “Apologies, miss Rarity, I just kind of grew up saying shit like that... I mean... aw shit... ah... fuck... shit... AAAAAAHHHHH!!!” I could tell the four I liked, minus twilight found that amusing judging by the laughing. Then my brain kicked on the accent “Ah’m mighty sorry fr’ that, just sometimes muh brain gets a little... backed up when ah try talk all polite and I forget muh manners, jus give me uh sec.” I took a few deep breaths to clear my thoughts when my favourite pony decided to speak up. “well, ya’ll are sure a funny fella. And to answer yer questions, yes, we are in a private place, and ya’ll jus sound like a buck, so we guessed.” I almost passed out from excitement hearing my all time, never change, ultimate fanboy, most awesome idol address me directly. And of course my brain went straight down the tubes when it came to self-control. “HOLY SWEET FLYIN’ FUCKTRACTORS!!! I’M SPEAKING WITH APPLEJACK!!? HALLUCINATION OR NOT, THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!” Everyone, minus Applejack and myself, exploded in laughter. Rainbow Dash just barely chocked out a thought in between fits. “Hey AJ, looks like you’ve got yourself a fan... BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” right about then my brain kicked back on and I realized what I said. Let’s just say I could have walked through school ass-naked carrying a dick shaped cake and not have been half as embarrassed as I was right then, as for Applejack, she sounded like she just heard she was directly responsible for Equestria’s existence. At least she was doing better than I was, she could speak. “Well... that’s... um... mighty kind of ya’ll to say... ah guess.....” To sum up how I felt for having said that, FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!! It took all of the mental energy I could summon to say the next three words. “Ah’m sorry, Applejack.” Once everyone was settled down, and I could speak, I explained all about earth, humans, our technology, my whole speech thing, and, of course, the my little pony show, the merchandise, and my personal love/fascination with it. You all owe me one; I really took one for the team there. All I left out was the violent half of the human psychology, just a little bit, right? Now it was Fluttershy’s turn to speak. “So, um, you like watching our adventures and learning about friendship?” easy answer eh? “Yes ma’am ah do, but it’s more than that, ah like the idea of a peaceful place, a place where ah don’t need to have a loaded shotgun on the wall beside muh bed in case some jackass decides he wants muh stuff.” Oh crap, I brought up guns. And twilight caught on. Fuck. “Uh, Jens, what’s a shotgun?” “Ah fuck. Well, let’s just say... humans have... well... we’ve made an art out of killing each other.” They all gasped, as I figured they would, but I continued. “And guns are one of our methods, and... they are one of my areas of expertise... and I have a lot of fun with them.” They all gasped, but Pinkie’s gasp was definitely the one that told me I said the wrong thing, and then she got pissed. “YOU KILL OTHER PEOPLE? AND YOU DO IT FOR FUN? THAT IS... SO... YOUARESOMEANIWANTTOKICKYOUINTHEFACEUNTILYOUSTOPMOVINGAND“ “PINKIE PIE!!!” I already felt bad for yelling at one of my favourite ponies, but I couldn’t let her get the wrong idea. Plus, I was sure pinkie would break the fourth wall just to kick my ass, and that sure as shit scared me, so I explained. “I haven’t actually killed another human yet, I use guns for target shooting, hunting, fun stuff.” She didn’t buy it. “What do you mean, you haven’t killed another human yet, but you have killed? When you go hunting?” It was more of a statement, but I explained. “Pinkie, girls, I explained earlier humans eat a lot of meat. Hunting is how some of us get that meat.” Fluttershy spoke up, but she was horrified. “So... um... well...” then she blurted it out. “What do you hunt?” God dammit. Fluttershy wasn’t a pony I liked. But she is a friend of Applejack. And, I guess, she is a nice pony. I didn’t want to answer, and thank fuck my idol saved my ass. “So Jens, tell us more about these guns.” I will tell you now I will never say no to Applejack, but this made that even more concrete. I spent the next few hours explaining all kinds of guns, from muskets to miniguns, and I was just talking about the basics, I could spend days just talking about how an M-1 GARAND works. But about halfway through tracer rounds Twilight stopped me. “well, this is all very fascinating, but I’m afraid it’s getting very late.” I looked at the clock, and my jaw dropped. 3 o’clock. Damn, 6 hours of talking. And then I realised how tired I was. “Oops, uh, yeah. Didn’t notice that. Guess I should get to bed too.” We exchanged goodnights and I was going to get a drink before I passed out when Pinkie decided she had to say one more thing. “Oh, I’m sorry for saying those mean things to you.” I gave an honest reply. “Sorry for pissing you off, and sorry for yelling at you.” After I got a drink I went to go lay on my bed(face down). And, as soon as my body hit the mattress, I felt like I had those phones that vibrate pressed against my entire body while I was being tazered. And, just to make it really suck, my back felt like it was on fire. All I could do was scream. “AAAAAAHHHHHH, FFFFUUUUCCCKKK, SAKES, AAAAAHHH!!!” The last thing I heard was Applejack calling out. “HEY, JENS, ARE YA’LL ALRIGHT!?” Somehow, even passing out, I knew. This wasn’t even getting started. AUTHOR’S NOTE: 1700 words, this is the most I’ve ever done. And there is a whole lot more to come. I hope you guy’s appreciate it. Please let me know what you think.
Chapter 1A DIFFERENT KIND OF EVIL MLP:FIM FANFIC WARNING: contains graphic content. So pussies go away. CHAPTER 1: When I came to it wasn’t bad. I didn’t have a headache, I wasn’t hurt, I felt like I always do when I wake up, minus someone poking me in the side. Then I realised I was laying in dirt. Great, I passed out in the garage again. (Yes, my garage has a dirt floor, I aint made o money) oh well, might as well find out who’s poking me. “Aaahhh, fuck, I’m up, whaddya want?” I heard a gasp and the whole night before came flooding back. I still didn’t know who was poking me, so I decided to open my eyes and find out. I really didn’t expect the first thing I saw to be a little orange filly with a curly purple mane and tail. But at least the night before had prepared me for this, and maybe I didn’t lose it just yet. But as soon as I looked at her, my buzz was killed by an ear-splitting shriek, not by scootaloo, but the other two crusaders. Scootaloo just stared at me and looked scared, and that was what made me nervous. If she was too scared to scream, how would everypony else react? How would the only ones who could help me react? I could tell this wasn’t going to end well. Thank all that is fucky that I heard a familiar voice that wasn’t screaming behind me, although it was a scared voice. “Uh... um... J-Jens?” Oh thank fuck, Applejack. “Hey there AJ.” I got up and remembered I was only wearing shorts when I passed out so I looked down to make sure I was at least wearing those. What I saw would have surprised me if I didn’t half expect it. Hooves. Yup, two furry green legs that ended in two green hooves. Then I noticed that my head was a lot lower than normal. Instead of being 6 feet off the deck, it was more like three and a half, maybe four feet. That one didn’t much surprise me. So I turned around to look at Applejack and noticed that walking was actually very natural. No need to focus on moving each independent leg, awesome. When I looked at Applejack her shocked face got even worse. Not good. “Um... Jens... can ya’ll... um... see me?” what? “Yeah, why?” now her face went from being shocked to being almost embarrassed. “Well... your eyes are kind of... funny.” This was either really bad or really good. “What do you mean?” she got up and pointed at a bucket. “Go look.” I did as I was told and was actually surprised at what I saw. I had green eyes, and no pupil. Well, not a black one, it was green too, and shiny. I started to see a pattern happening here, green fur, green hooves, green eyes, and apparently, a green mane, in 2 shades. I looked back and saw I had a short green tail, again, in 2 shades. And my fur was darker around my tail. No, wait, is that? Fabric? I had clothes on? I checked and was most definitely surprised when I saw I was fully clothed. In some kind of... barding? Uniform? Onezie? And I had a vest on, big surprise, it was green. But it had pouches on it. Not pockets, pouches. Then it donned on me, I was wearing a tactical vest. And it was thick. Holy shit, I recognised this, it was a dragon skin Kevlar vest, set up with MOLLE webbing, six STANAG mag pouches, (for those of you less educated in guns, a STANAG magazine is what you’d find in an M4/M16 variant) about a dozen 40mm grenade pouches, six down each side, five hand grenade pouches, a fabric knife sheath, a polymer knife scabbard, a handgun holster, two short handgun mag pouches, and two really long handgun mag pouches, like what you’d use for a 30 round glock magazine. And to top it all off, an admin pouch with my custom made ID patch. so that’s how she knew who I was. the black lettering read: Jens KRISTIANSEN, 1ST BTN”A” COMPANY, FIRST EQUESTRIAN ARMY. Whoever did this had access to my shit, and must have really studied it, because all the pouches, everything, was exactly where I liked for my airsoft loadout.(yes, I carry a knife when I play airsoft. Just for special circumstances, like my bag getting caught on a tree) the only differences between this stuff and my personal vest were that everything seemed to be made of Kevlar, and the vest had actual ballistic properties. Someone had set me up to go to war. Not good, at least not for Equestria. Sometime when I was examining myself, Applejack got bored and now she decided to try and talk to me. ”so, Jens, aint humans supposed to have something other than hooves?” “Yup, but I don’t think I’m human. At least not right now, let me try somethin’.” It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know guns plus hooves equals don’t work, so, based on my knowledge of fanfics, I guessed I should be able to turn human again. So I stood up on my hind legs, and thought human. I saw a flash, and before you know it, I was standing on my feet, in all my 6 foot tall, brown hair, brown eyed awesomeness. Fully dressed I might add, steel-toe boots included. Applejack jumped, and the crusaders screamed. “Whoa Nelly, Ah’m guessin’ that is what ya’ll are s’posed ta look like.” “Aeyup, purdy much. Still tryin’ ta figure out how ah got these here clothes on though, and why the pouches on muh vest are empty.” She blushed, and replied. “well... me an the girls kinda took ya’ll’s guns away, in case ya’ll wasn’t in a good mood when ya got up.” Understandable, considering I told her- WAIT! I had guns? “um, Applejack, I didn’t even know I had guns, do ya think you could let me see them, just to make sure they’re unloaded and safe?” “they’re in mah barn, along with the other stuff ya’ll showed up with.” I HAD OTHER SHIT?! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! “Other stuff?” she didn't look surprised to hear that. “ya, ya’ll kind of crashed right here and all kinds of weird boxes and cans and bags and crates landed around here.” Well fuck, just what all did I have? She continued. “and about an hour ago, just after sunset-“ “don’t ya mean sunrise Applejack? It’s daylight out.” She looked really confused. “what are ya’ll talkin about? It’s dark as the inside of mah apple cellar out here.” Right on, I had night vision, that explains the eyes, AJ must have thought the same thing, judging by her suddenly understanding look, but she continued. “Anyway, just after sunset these really strange carts showed up, they’re back at mah barn too, they look like those “cars” ya’ll told me about, but one has some kind of cart behind it. And they were really hard to pull.” I couldn’t help but giggle. “well ya, they weigh like four thousand pounds.” I looked at the crusaders; they looked impressed, at Applejack. I guessed pounds were a recognised unit of weight in Equestria. I kind of felt weird that nopony was acting scared anymore, considering I just turned into a six foot tall, bipedal creature. But I guess I should consider that a good thing, or not, maybe their minds were too far gone now to register fear. Applejack seemed to notice how crowded I felt and decided to give me a little room. “well, it’s way past bedtime for these youngins, best get em to bed.” They all complained, but AJ gave them a glare and they all seemed to get the hint. As they left, she turned to me. “ya’ll better come too, ya know, to check on yer stuff and all.” I was all too happy to listen, but my brain was with me. “ya, just one sec.” I went to go down on all fours and thought pony, it worked. Thank fuck. On the walk I couldn’t help but notice something tugging at my side, just under my last rib, about a third of the way down from my spine. I looked beside me at Applejack, she was staring at me giggling. “ya know, you might be considerin’ tuckin’ yer wings in.” Wings?... wait? I looked back at my side and said the first thing that came to mind. “holy shit I’m a Pegasus, fucken rights.” AJ giggled again, I looked at my outstretched wings for a second and folded them up against my side, that felt better, and again, it felt really natural, I bet I could fly easily. Applejack started walking closer to me, I figured it was because I could see where I was going, she almost walked into three trees, and then she started to ask questions. “So Jens, do ya’ll really like me, like, as much as ya seemed to the other day?” how long was I out? “yes ma’am.” “so, can ah ask why?” crap. Well, here goes nothin’. “well, it’s a long story Applejack.” “long walk, ya’ll landed on the farthest part of mah farm.” I was really hoping to avoid this, but fuck it. All or nuthin’. “Okay, fine.” I decided it would be better to stop her, sit her down, and look her in the eye. I did so, but I had to ask first. “do ya think the girls will be okay by themselves?” she was a quick reply. “oh yeah, mah lil sis knows her way around this farm as good as ah do.” Okay, so we had time. “alright Applejack, brace yourself. I don’t know how to sugar-coat this, so I won’t.” My accent kicked in. Great, I spilled my feelings sounding like Larry the cable guy. “Ah love ya Applejack, ah think ya’ll are the smartest, kindest, bravest, toughest, cutest, most honest, most loveable, most perfect girl of any species. E’rry time ah see ya, ah feel like muh whole life, E’rry bad thing ah ever had to go through, was way more n worth it jus ta see yer face. Ah have a picture of ya next to muh bed, (too far? Nah.) It’s the first thing ah look at when ah get up, an’ the last thing before ah go ta sleep. When ah passed out b’fore ah came here, ah was starin’ at it, cuz it made the pain hurt less. Ah-.” Applejack shoved a hoof in my mouth; her face was as red as the ribbons she ties her hair with. She stared at me for a sec, that thing ponies seem to be able to do with their irises, change the size and such, hers were as big as her eyes, and her eyes looked like they were about to pop out of their heads, and, were those? Tears? Once she figured out I stopped talking, she took the hoof out of my mouth. (Weird observation, her hoof tasted like dirt, big surprise.) We kind of just stared at each other for a few minutes, before Applejack broke the silence. “ya’ll think Ah’m... pretty?...” “well yeah, didn’t ya hear me?” she took a second to answer, but her answer really surprised me. “but... Ah’m not a pretty pony. Rarity is a-“ it was my turn to shove a hoof in a mouth. “no Applejack, she isn’t.” I removed my hoof from her mouth and continued. “Jackie, Rarity spends insane amounts of time, energy, an’ money on just her hair. You, you don’t even need to try and you look incredible. That’s one of the things ah love about ya, when ya go outside an’ present yerself to the world, yer Applejack the pony, not Applejack the makeup doll.” She looked like she was about to cry, so I decided it was time to continue on our walk. Right after she stood up, she asked. “so, what do ya’ll think makes me look pretty?” I’ll spare you the page-long rant on that and just say I covered everything from her mane and tail, to the curves of her body (and seeing her face to face, let me tell ya, she had some freakin’ sexy curves) anyway, by the time I was done even she could make out the details of her barn. “well, here we are.” “very nice.” Yay, my accent went away. “so... are ya’ll gonna need a place to sleep?” “nah, I’m pretty sure I’ve been sleeping for a few days.” She looked at me funny. “yer pretty sure?” “well, how long ago did I talk to you and your friends?” “about three days ago.” Holy fuck, good nap. “Well that’s how long I’ve been out.” She looked at me almost horrified. “WHOAH! Ya’ll must be starvin’.” Now that I thought about it, I was. “ya know what, I could use some water, but no food until I see those guns, and that other crap. I bet one of those crates has some food in it anyway.” “alright, right this way.” She showed me into the barn, after I went back to being human, and my jaw hit the floor. Inside was a humvee, with a 2 axle closed in trailer, about 20 feet long. And a truck. Not just a regular pickup either. A 79 ford f-350 crew cab 6x6, not a common beast. Most definitely custom made judging by the Rockwell axles, the 54 inch super swampers, the giant deck, and the stacks coming out behind the cab. In the corner was about a dozen wooden crates, about two feet wide, two tall, and four long. On top of those were ammo boxes, of all different kinds, 5.56, 7.62, linked and unlinked, one kind I could tell were for M2 .50 caliber machine guns, there were about a dozen of those. That was impressive, but what almost scared me were the other ones, there were about two-dozen of those, and they were for MARK-19 automatic grenade launchers, a gun which I only had the pleasure of shooting once, 96 rounds, but still, I had only needed to see this gun shoot once to make it one of my favourites. Whatever I needed this kind of firepower for, it was gonna be bad. Then she showed me the guns and equipment I had on me. I had an M16 A2, with an m203 and the appropriate sights and handguard. For those less educated, Scarface’s gun. A glock 18, grenades, an M9 bayonet, and, the creepy part, my knife. As in the one I made myself out of 440 stainless. Yup, someone had access to my shit. Applejack came in with a pitcher of water and a letter, then yawned. She looked funny when she was tired. “this was on one of the boxes, hope it helps.” She paused, then yawned again “ah’ma hit the hay, see ya’ll in the mornin’.” The fact that she trusted me enough to leave me alone in a barn full of weapons was almost comforting. I decided to read the letter and clean my guns after. I opened it and read it. Jens, first things first. No, the vehicles will not run out of fuel. (WHOOOO!!!) Batteries don’t run out, and if you use something from the one of the crates, close it, wait 5 seconds and reopen it, it will be full again, same goes for the ammo boxes, maybe alternate between two or three and you should have unlimited ammo. (GET SOME!!!) We don’t know why it’s like that, but it is. Second, we are sorry this had to happen. I’m not. Your family has been told you volunteered to participate in a military experiment where you will be sent to the Antarctic to train as an extreme cold warrior, but you probably guessed that’s not the case. To be honest, we can’t tell you why you’re here, just that Equestria needs you. (Great, no mission, but big firepower). As far as that goes, we know you don’t mind fighting for it. (Very true.) But we should tell you that this was a one way trip. You WILL be here the rest of your life. (Let me explain my feelings in two words. YEEEEEEEE HAWWWWW!!!) we don’t know how you feel about that but that’s the way it is. Also, you probably figured out your new body already, you’re a smart guy right? (Sometimes.) Just so you know, we can’t give you advice on that because we don’t know how it works, just that it works. And we will be contacting you; there is a voice recorder/radio in one of the crates, on the top there is a little red light, if it is blinking, push play to hear the message, if you want to send a message, or if you need something, hold record, say whatever you need to say, and release, easy. We know what we forced you to give up back home, so we will do our best to make sure you’re happy. Whatever you need, just ask. Hope you don’t mind, but we took the liberty of changing your DNA a bit. (Not cool whoever you are. But now I know where I was for 3 days) You are very well built now. Bigger, stronger, faster. You heal quicker; you probably already figured out the night vision, best get some sunglasses on. (Great, I’m the six million dollar pony.) And we both know you’re gonna be trying to get laid constantly so, we should mention a few things about pony anatomy. First, ponies do have sex for pleasure, so their reproductive organs are pretty much the same as humans. The whole body is sensitive like that, but there are some key pleasure centres, the obvious one, the back, chest, stomach, neck, ears, cutie marks, on pegasi the wings(leading edge is extremely sensitive, like only one other part.) the tongue, and some ponies like getting their hair pulled. (Great, I’m getting sex advice from a stranger who kidnapped me. But good notes, tongue everything except the legs, sides, face and hooves.) And one more thing, we saw to it that you were... better equipped than most ponies. (So they pissed around with my DNA, no harm no foul.) You ARE a Pegasus, so you’d better learn to fly, if you don’t know already. One last thing, your family sends your stuff and good wishes. I stuffed the letter, which made me smile like Pinkie Pie at the grand galloping gala, in a pocket. I decided to clean my guns. I’ll spare you that but this is important, at least to anyone familiar with guns, when I got it open and started cleaning I made a huge discovery. The barrel was chrome-lined, The bolt carrier had something instead of a gas key, there was a strike plate for a short stroke piston, and a super stiff action spring. That’s right boys, a piston-driven A2. To people not familiar with guns, that pretty much means that the reliability and ease of maintenance of the gun in harsh conditions tripled. An M16 that don’t jam, that’s a real golden gun. And it was now gonna be my primary weapon. Once I got that done I decided to look in the crates. I almost fainted. I found, in order, two browning M2A1 machine guns with spare barrels, one MK19 with a few more ammo boxes in with it, two M-60 machine guns with ammo and barrels, that radio, three crates full of all kinds of ammo, a crate full of assault rifles, from Canadian C7s to German G36s, two crates full of engine parts, a crate full of my stuff from home (one little crate held it all) a crate full of all kinds of armor, helmets, personal communication equipment, pouches for all kinds of mags, and a few gun scabbards. (the equipment crate) and, most awesomely, the last crate had in it, my three favourite guns of all time, an Auto Assault-12 (yeah, I got an AA12, sweet!) a Barrett M-107A1 with a standard Barrett muzzle brake, and a Mossberg 590A1 special purpose, 20 inch barrel, 10 shot mag, collapsible pistol-grip stock, Eotech, all the stuff I loved. Finally figured out why I had that bayonet. (Yeah, one of my favourite guns is a cheap-o pump action, bite me) someone in high places liked me. I was fucking beaming. Applejack came in sometime during my inspection of my crap. she must have seen my expression because she started giggling. “so, ya’ll are impressed?” I just nodded, and then she added. “Well, three crates broke open; those small steel boxes were from a small one, like the others, and those big boxes are from a really big crate, ah don’t think we could have moved it if it stayed in one piece.” Okay, that was two, “what about the third?” “These were in it.” She reached behind the stack and held up a military-grade MRE in her mouth. Yay, I got munchies. “Whaft ishh fishh?” she dropped it, and looked up at me. “that, Applejack, is the breakfast of champions.” I completely forgot about the pitcher of water. I almost chugged the whole thing, minus what I needed for the heater pack and the included drinks, all three of them. Once it was all cooked I went back to being a pony, somehow using my one hoof to hold the food (spaghetti and meat sauce) and the other to use the spoon. I didn’t care why it worked, as long as it worked. Once I was done that Applejack asked me. “hey, what’s yer cutie mark look like?” I was as curious as she was so I proceeded to strip and got a sudden shot of shyness. “could ya give me some privacy please?” she took off her hat and threw it on a hay bale. She looked good without her hat on. “there, ah took mah clothin’ off, now...” she walked right up and looked me in the eye, inches away from my face. “strip for me.” She had to say it in a sexy tone too, god dammit. I froze standing straight up. My eyes were wide open but my irises were barely there they were so small. Then I heard a pomf and instantly Applejack started laughing her ass off, I already knew I had a wingboner, hell I felt it, so I decided to think about her sexy, little, toned, ass. When she got control of her laughter she spoke up. “alright now, ya’ll know ah didn’t mean it like that.” “sure sounded like it.” She blushed. “well, either way, clothes off.” Was she flirting with me? I wished she was. “fine.” I got out of my clothes. And noticed Applejack was staring at me. I kicked on the accent (I can do it by choice sometimes, it takes less brain power) “ya’ll see somethin’ interestin’?” she got shocked out of her trance. “Uhhh... no, ah just... didn’t expect ya’ll to be... well...” just then Big Macintosh opened the barn door. As soon as he did I went blind, and my eyes burned like the fires of a thousand hells. I hit the floor with a loud BANG and put my forehooves over my eyes. The whole time I was screaming “FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!” I will never be able to thank Applejack enough for slamming the door. Then her and Big Macintosh came running over and helped me up. “are ya’ll alright, Jens?” I looked at her with a face that said well yeah, I just hit the floor screamin’, I’m fine. “Yeah, ah just need to get muh sunglasses on.” Big Mac looked confused until I looked at him. I think seeing my eyes was enough for him to piece it together. He was really smarter than he looked. And I noticed that I was bigger than him. Not taller, well, maybe two inches, but bigger, like, kick his ass and smoke a cigar bigger. Right on. I found my glasses I got out of the crate of my shit, big surprise, they were green aviators. I must be the camo pony. But they were as dark as welding goggles. Hell, that’s what I used them for. So they would do nicely. Big Mac decided to take his leave right about then. Still don’t know why. Applejack was leaving too but I stopped her. “Hey, AJ.” She looked at me. “Yeah?” I grabbed her hat off the hay bale and plopped it on her head. She smiled up at me. I was definitely bigger than her, but she could still kick my ass. She is the ultimate pony. “What were ya gonna say before yer brother came in?” she got a huge blush on, and closed the door. “well, ya’ll looked really... excited there.” I just looked at her confused. She continued. “like... excited, excited” I just blinked, I am such a dumbass. “ya had more than a “wing” boner Jens.” OH... fuck. My turn to blush. “so... why were ya’ll... staring...” I was determined to make her cheeks explode. “well... ah... um... just found it... interestin, is all...” I hit the floor laughing. She got mad and went to leave. ”wait, AJ, ah didn’t mean to laugh, come on.” She looked at me blankly, then said “what.” She was pissed. “Ah’m sorry, ah just never heard a girl say “interestin” when she meant somethin else.” “An what’s THAT s’posed to mean?” I really didn’t want to say it, because I knew she would never walk with her ass facing me again. But I had to now. “well, when ah think of... well... yer ass, ah don’ think ah would use interestin’ t’ describe it.” She looked even more pissed, and started walking towards me. I started backing up. “And what would you use?” she broke her accent. Tread carefully so as to avoid a beating. “Well...” “I’m waitin’.” This wasn’t going to end well. “uhm...” she was getting close. Think of something. Too late. She had me backed against a wall, standing on my hind legs, and she was still inching closer. “Jens, what word would you use to describe my ass.” I looked down and closed my eyes, waiting for the beating. Then the best surprise ever happened. She grabbed my head, turned me to face her, pulled my sunglasses off, and kissed me. My eyes shot open and my pupils were once again the size of a pencil, in eyes as big around as a coffee cup. She moved her hooves from my head to my chest, and started pushing. Holy fuck did that feel good. Then she started pushing with her tongue, I took the hint and opened my mouth. The fics are right, she tastes like apples. I closed my eyes and started moving my tongue around, but my body was still frozen. All I could think was is this really happening? We played with each other’s tongues a bit before she broke the kiss and looked at me, smiling. “ya’ll didn’t really think ah’d beat ya fer that, did ya?” I nodded and she chuckled. “who’s a silly pony?” she took her hooves off my chest and I slid down the wall. My back hit the floor with a graceless thud, and my head was propped up on the wall. She laughed and walked on top of me. Standing over me she said “ya’ll can touch me, ya know. Ah aint kissin’ a doll, am ah?” I got control of my body, reached up, and pulled her in for another kiss. She was all too happy to oblige. Just before I kissed her I said “perfect.” I started to kiss her but she pushed away. “what?” I chuckled “the word ah use to describe your ass, perfect. Kind of an understatement but it’s all ah can think of.” She took her hat off again and gave me a naughty smile. “well, how’d ya like a better look.” I just groaned “mmmm hmmm.” She chuckled. “alright, but no touching, clear?” I saluted. “Yes ma’am” She stood up, turned around, and picked up her tail. The way my head was tilted, I could see everything. Her cutie marks, her incredible, well toned, cheeks. The base of her tail. Her butthole, which was orange, and really clean. (Greasy, I know. But still, she takes good care of herself.) Her pink, velvety wetness. Everything. WAIT! She was wet? I was getting her wet!? AWESOME!!! “ya’ll like what ya see? Ah sure do.” What? “What do ya mean, Jackie?” she looked back at me, and moved back a bit. I could smell her now, it was intoxicating. I was having a hard time not grabbing her and diving my face right in. Applejack broke my trance after a second. “Well, ya’ll aint looking too bad down there yourself.” I almost jumped. I didn’t even feel my boner until she mentioned it. I hadn’t even actually seen it since I was in my room. And now I had a bigger problem. Well, not bigger. (BA-DUM, TSHHH) But in all seriousness, I hadn’t used the bathroom in three, maybe four days. There goes my fun. “Uhm... Jackie?” she looked at me, but not because I spoke. “Jens, is there a problem?” I just gave her a one-word answer. “Bathroom.” Applejack showed me around the side of her barn. We were both disappointed, But Applejack found a silver lining. “at least ya’ll just needed ta use the bathroom. When ya’ll started ta get soft, ah was worried ya’ll saw somethin’ wrong with me.” I laughed. “Jackie, I use perfect to describe more about ya then yer ass.” That seemed to cheer her up, and seeing her smile made me feel better too. She pointed to an outhouse. “there ya go, have at er.” I finished up in there and went back outside. Applejack was waiting. Almost creepy. “mah friends are here, they wanna meet ya.” Crap. “Awww, no more fun?” she laughed, then walked up and kissed me. “We can tell em ya took awhile.” I was beaming again; even through my sunglasses applejack could see the excitement in my eyes. She had to kill my buzz. “But jus’ a couple o minutes. Or they’ll come lookin’ fer us.” She brought my buzz back to life when she tackle-kissed me. She was a horny little one. After a couple minutes Applejack got off of me. “we’d better go.” My buzz died again, but she was right. As we rounded the corner of her house, I saw her friends. All five of them. They were sitting on a nice shady patch of grass. I stopped. Applejack looked at me. “Jackie, if I run, please don’t try and stop me.” She understood. Her friends had a history of overreacting and causing trouble for other ponies. “ah’ll chase ya, and if we’re alone ah’ll pin ya down and kiss ya, but ah understand. If mah friends are around ah’ll let ya get away.” She poked me with a hoof. “and ya’ll don’t call me Jackie around other ponies.” I gave her a dramatic salute. She giggled. We started walking again and I stated “and so begins mah first day in Equestria.”
Chapter 2A DIFFERENT KIND OF EVIL MLP:FIM FANFIC CHAPTER 2: So, to do a quick recap of the last 12 hours I was conscious. I had a 6 hour conversation with the coolest living things in the universe. Woke up as a green Pegasus with Riddick eyes, Met my all time ultimate hero Applejack, Confessed my feelings for her within an hour of first meeting her (goddam I work fast), became the owner of an ultimate 6x6 pickup truck, a humvee, and an arsenal that would put Rambo to shame, found out I was selected and genetically modified to (I’m guessing) become an equestrian super soldier, made out with Applejack (TWICE!!!) and, possibly, almost got laid. And now I was going to meet the other 3 ponies I adored (not as much as Applejack, but pretty dam close.) Talk about the ultimate buzz. I could have stepped on a landmine and still would be grinning like an idiot. Applejack was leading me to where her friends were when she stopped me and gave me a serious look. “Jens, don’t tell em that ah... advanced on ya. Don’t even hint on it, alright.” I understood, we only knew each other for 6 hours but we were making out like we’d been dating for months. (like I care) That, and I was only, I guess, half pony. “I promise, they will never know.” I gave her a sly grin “on one condition, I get a closer look later.” Sometimes I could be such a douche. “Done, but ah want a better look too then.” We both laughed and continued walking. I couldn’t believe my wings were still folded at my sides, or that my... manhood... didn’t make a huge bulge in my clothes. (forgot to mention I put them back on) Her friends could see us now but we were still out of earshot if we were quiet. I leaned towards her. “I said a closer look.” We were both blushing a little bit but you wouldn’t be able to tell unless you were a foot away. “Ya’ll got a dirty mind.” I decided to drop the subject since we were too close now to guarantee they wouldn’t hear us. We walked the rest of the way with no words, but big smiles. Applejack was the first to speak. “Howdy gals.” Rainbow Dash answered first. “Hey AJ, who’s your coltfreind?” I couldn't help myself. I hit the ground laughing. Applejack looked embarrassed, then mad. “He aint mah coltfreind!” I knew she was lying, just a little. “Gals, you already kind of know him.” She looked at me. “Show em’.” I took off my sunglasses; it didn’t hurt or blind me when I was expecting it, I could actually see better without them, still gonna wear em though. They all looked shocked, but weren’t freaking out. I decided to step it up a notch. I stood up on my hind legs and changed into a human. They all shrieked, Fluttershy fucked off, and Rainbow Dash went after her. I walked over to Twilight, who fell on her back and was staring at me in horror. This was the reaction I expected. I held out my hand and said “pleasure to meet ya, Twilight.” She seemed to realize who I was and shook my hand. After I helped her up I walked over to Pinkie Pie, almost went crazy and tackle-hugged her (I hold a few ponies very close to Applejack in regards to adoration.) and held out my hand again. “Hi Pinkie Pie” she grabbed my hand and shook it really hard, at the same time she said “Hi! I never, ever thought I would get to meet an alien. Wow, can you change into anything, or just a pony? Are you here to study us and show us a whole bunch of other planets?” she let go of my hand and I pulled the letter out of my pocket. I noticed Rainbow Dash coming back with a much calmer looking Fluttershy. “To answer your first question, Pinkie, I’m pretty sure it’s just human or pony for me.” I handed her the letter. “This should answer your second question.” Then I went on to introduce myself to Rarity. “ma’am.” I didn’t really want to converse with her. The feeling was mutual. ”sir.” I walked over to Rainbow Dash, almost losing it again, and held out a fist. (Figured she was to cool for a hand/hoof shake, I was right.) “What’s up?” she brohoofed me (sweet) “so, what’s with the eyes?” she got right to the point. “Ah guess it’s jus’ some kind of vision enhancement deal” and my accent is in full swing, great. “Really? Cool.” “Yeah, ah guess it is.” I moved my face really close to hers and looked in her eyes. “They look badass?” she started backing up. “Yeah, just warn me before you do that, it’s kind of scary.” Just what I was going fo- WAIT! “Are they still like that?” “Yeah.” Crap. Kind of hoped they would go away when I went human. Meh, fuck it. “so, do ya think...” I could tell she was trying to think of something to say. Then a thought popped into my head. “Would ya’ll be more comfortable if I was a pony again?” Fluttershy spoke up. “Yes, please.” Almost forgot about her. I figured I should introduce myself properly, so I turned back into my awesome Pegasus half and did so. “Hello, pleasure to meet ya.” I held out my hoof and she gave it a quick shake, she was still nervous, but I expected worse. This was going well. It wasn’t until after Pinkie read the letter and handed it (hoofed it?) to Twilight that I realized that the letter contained personal sexual content, but it was too late to stop it, so I let everypony read it, Applejack last. It seemed that after everypony read it they had a mix of sadness and shock on their faces. I could guess where the shock came from but the sadness I didn’t understand until after Applejack read it. “So... ya’ll are here... forever?” I don’t think any of them expected my answer to be so happy. “Yup, ultimate score for this guy.” I was still beaming. It never really sunk in that I would never see the few people I did like back home. Twilight got a look of concern on her face. “and this doesn’t bother you? At all?” if she was trying to kill my buzz she failed miserably. “nope. Why would it? By the sound o that there letter muh biggest dream came true.” Twilight seemed to remember our not so little conversation. “well, don’t you have anyone at home you care about? Anyone who might miss you?” I fake-thought of it for a sec, tapping a hoof to my chin. “Hmmm... Nah.” They all seemed shocked at that one, so I explained. “ah ain’t exactly liked where ah live. Mostly cuz ah tend to shoot at people who try to steal my stuff. And there are a lot.” They all gasped. I didn’t even have a chance to notice the pink blur coming my way. Then everything went black... again. -- I wasn’t out for more than a minute. But when I came to Pinkie Pie was still pummelling my ass screaming “I’LL TEACH YOU TO HURT OTHERS!!!” her friends were trying to pull her off me, not really succeeding. If anyone ever thought ponies can’t punch, they are retarded. A Pinkie Pie punch is ten times worse than any human punch, no matter how tough they are. And she kept on delivering them as fast as she could. And I didn’t fight back, for two reasons. First, I couldn’t, she was sitting on my throat and somehow her hind legs had my forelegs pinned straight up, beside my head. Second, I didn’t want to, she is Pinkie Pie, she does what she wants. Plus, I didn’t mind the view. No, I couldn’t see there. But I could see everything above that. She was incredibly hot. As soon as I met her face to face, she got rocketed up to share the spotlight with Applejack as my favourite pony.(I’ll admit, Rainbow Dash was brought up there too) She had almost the same curves as Applejack, but hers were softer. I snapped out of that trance when I was out of air. Then I started fighting back, if not to survive then to enjoy that view a few seconds longer, feel her fur against me. Pony fur is not at all like earth critters. It is like soft velvet, like what you’d find in really expensive plushies. Soft, smooth, inviting. CONFOUND THESE PONIES, they drive me into trances. NOW I started fighting back. It was actually pretty easy once I got my hooves free. I just grabbed hers and (gently) pushed her off of me. After a quick tussle I had her in a kind of hug. Holding her hooves so I would at least have a chance to say something. “Woah, woah, woah. Ah never hit anyone. Ah would never do that. Why would ya even think that? Ah was jus tryin’ to scare em. They stole all muh stuff more than once, they ain’t gonna stop unless they think ah’ll kill em if they come near me or muh stuff again. Do ya know how hard it is to make friends when everyone only looks at what they can steal. For fuck sakes, I never even really had a girlfriend. They all just wanted inside my house.” I don’t know why I told her that. At least my accent went away. She was still trying to kick my ass, and she most definitely didn’t believe me. I needed a card to play. Something to at least get her to listen. What I came up with was definitely not a good idea. I let go of her hooves, and braced myself. She had me on the ground again instantly. But she didn’t hit me. When I opened my eyes she looked almost sad. “You never dated a girl?” all of them looked at me almost sad. Apparently romance was a big thing in Equestria. I shrunk. “no.” She looked surprised, then whispered in my ear. “We know about you and Applejack, Applebloom told us.” Applejack heard that, she took off towards the house yelling “Applebloom! Get out here ya little spy!” Everypony else started laughing. Applebloom was going to have a bad day. Far as I was concerned, she deserved it. As soon as everypony calmed down, and Applejack came back. We all sat in an awkward silence for a while. I sat against a tree and took my vest off, it was hot even in the shade, the barding was okay though. Then Applejack made my day even better. She scooted right up close and leaned against me. “Since ya’ll know, ah’ll jus settle in here.” I wrapped a hoof, and a wing around her. I had them, might as well use them. She nuzzled my neck. Christ, everything felt awesome. I pulled her onto my stomach and into a hug, using hooves and wings. One thing about being a big pony. (I had about a foot on her standing on all fours) It is kind of awkward being intimate. She was laying on my chest, forehooves between my shoulders, hindhooves on my stomach, and using my neck as a pillow. At least we would be able to make out if we were doing it, I was a little worried about that. Still, all I could do was squeeze her tighter and smile. Twilight needed a distraction. “So... I guess I should write princess Celestia about you. She may want to know you are here.” I would have jumped if Applejack wasn’t pinning me down with her sexy body. “No, not Celestia.” Given what I know about her, what with sending her sister to the moon and turning discord into stone, it would be bad for her to know first. Twilight seemed to get where I was going. “Princess Luna then?” “Yup, Luna.” -- After Twilight, Rarity, and Fluttershy left, promising to meet us at sugarcube corner for lunch, the rest of us hung out for a bit, getting to know each other better. I explained my inherent redneckism to Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash. My accent worked its way back in sometime during the explanation. I’ll spare you the speech and just give the last two sentences. “so yeah, it’s not like ah’m the only one who shoots at them thieves, or jumps cars into lakes, or gets drunk and blows somethin’ up. Ah just do it better.” Then Rainbow Dash asked about something I completely forgot about. “So what’s your cutie mark look like?” Applejack seemed to remember my reaction earlier and tried to do it again. “Ya’ll heard her Jens, strip for us.” -- I still don’t know if she was trying to embarrass me, or get me and her friends wound up. But she accomplished both. My wings shot straight out, along with a certain other part of my body. After Applejack got off of me, laughing her pretty little ass off, I stripped. But I was on to her. I flexed every muscle I could, took my time so they would get the best look they could. All three of them started hooting and hollering and whistling. I admit it; I liked being their male stripper. Hell, who wouldn’t, some of the shit they said I will never repeat, but I still grin when I think about it. After that was done I got my first good look at it. Rebel flag with a bullet under it. Sweet. Rainbow Dash was the first to stop staring at it looking confused and spoke. “what does it mean?” I thought of the best way to put it. “That there is the official flag of the redneck, makes sense, considerin ah’m a crazy ass hayul-billie. (I spell it as I pronounce it) and the other thing is a bullet, ah’m guessin that’s got somethin to do with my skills with guns.” They all seemed satisfied, so I went to put my clothes back on, but before I could Pinkie Pie stopped me. “Wait, you should leave it off.” I just looked at her. “Why?” Pinkie Pie blushed. “You look... better without it.” I was border line on a heart attack from excitement. These ponies could kill me with words. “Pinkie Pie, are ya’ll hittin on me?” Applejack started glaring at Pinkie. “Pinkie Pie, why are ya’ll hittin on Jens. Ah already called him!” It was my turn to sound offended, I wasn’t. I was actually glad I heard that. It meant I had a chance with Applejack. “What do ya mean ‘called him’?” Applejack looked sorry. “Ah just... wanted ya’ll to... be mah... first, um... buck?” my eyes were as big as they could get. Rainbow Dash collapsed on her back laughing, And Pinkie Pie looked like she was about to. It took a few seconds before I could speak, and I couldn’t speak well. “ya mean... ya’ll want to... with me?...” she got the point. “Um... y-yeah ah do. Didn’t ya’ll get the hint when ah kissed ya?” Rainbow Dash suddenly stopped laughing and stood up. “Woah there AJ, you just met this guy. What are you thinking? He could be here to destroy Equestria or something.” Okay, now I was offended. “Hey, come on, sittin right here.” “Well, how do we know you aren’t?” I knew how to handle that. I walked over to Applejack, looked into her eyes, leaned in, and gave her a deep, long, passionate kiss. After about 10 or 15 seconds I broke the kiss and stared into her eyes again. “Applejack, we met six hours ago, and you still know me better than anyone else. Do you think I’m here to do bad things?” I really didn’t expect her answer. “yup.” I just stared at her. She was smiling. “ah expect ya’ll to do some really bad things.” I was about to speak when she continued. “ah expect ya’ll to do some really bad, evil, dirty things... with me.” Rainbow and Pinkie started shifting stares between me and Applejack. I lost control of my wings. POMF! All my mind was capable of doing was making every muscle in my body tense up. I stood there like a statue. Then returned to heart attack alert when Applejack finished. “And, if ya’ll are a good buck, and ya want to, ah’ll let ya go out with Pinkie Pie too. and” Pinkie almost broke the sound barrier on her way over to me, and probably almost broke a leg stopping. Then she kissed me. Nothing big, just a quick peck on the cheek. That was it. I remember starting to tip, but I was out before I hit the ground. They were probably laughing their asses off. -- When I woke up this time I jumped to my hooves. “Did ah just faint?” Everypony was still laughing. But Rainbow Dash had to rub it in more. “Wow, you are so easy to knock out.” “No fair, I got a sexy overdose.” They all stopped laughing. Then I was on my back again. I didn’t mind, because Applejack and Pinkie Pie had their faces millimetres away from mine. And they both made me almost explode with the looks. Just like that seductive Pinkie Pie look, only on purpose, and WAY sexier. Then they started rubbing my wings. I don’t think there are words to describe what that felt like, but I’ll try. Every single little movement of their hooves felt like an orgasm, and they were massaging my wings. They were only using one hoof but it could have been twenty, I didn’t care, I was in heaven, and they were barely doing anything. I don’t know how long they were doing that, but at some point my body completely relaxed and started moving involuntarily, my eyes crossed, and I started moaning. It was all I could do, and I couldn’t stop it. Nothing else existed but the three of us. Then, as if every god everywhere was smiling on me, I felt somepony kiss me, and I kissed back. But it didn’t taste like Applejack, and wasn’t as soft as I expected Pinkie Pie to be. Whoever it was, she tasted like skittles. Then my brain kicked into a gear I didn’t know it had. My eyes straightened out, my whole body went rigid again, and everything I thought I knew about happy was destroyed. It was Rainbow Dash who was kissing me. Of course my natural reaction was to make an ass of myself. I started crawling backwards as fast as I could, out from under them and headfirst into a tree. I was down again. Not out, just down. I couldn’t get up, but I could speak. “Are. You. Fucking. Serious!?” they all started giggling. Then Dash replied. “Well no, we just randomly start kissing and rubbing half-ponies we just met all the time.” Okay, that was kind of rude considering she probably made me give myself a concussion. “Alright, I appreciate that. You have no idea how much, but I have to ask, why?” Pinkie Pie jumped right into my face and told me. “Because, silly, you needed it.” I was confused beyond all belief. “So, the three of you gang-raped me because you think I needed it?” they started giggling again. After what just happened their giggles sounded sexier for some reason. “Are ya’ll sayin’ ya didn’t like it?” I was almost offended. “Of course I did. I mean, I REALLY did. But we just met, and where I come from you don’t just kiss someone you just met, much less gang-whatever-you-did them, and you most definitely don’t do that to a different species.” They all seemed to get my point, but Pinkie Pie is, as we all know, incredibly awesome at whatever it is she does. “Well, you look like a pony, walk like a pony, and talk like a pony. You react the same as any other Pegasus pony when you get your wings rubbed. No, you react better. You get all moany, and squirmy, and you get ditzy-doo eyes. (name confirmed) as far as we’re concerned, you are a pony.” I managed to stand up and looked her in those beautiful blue eyes. “You have no idea how honoured I am to hear that, you sexy little cotton-candy ball.” I have no idea where that came from. She tackled me again and started kissing me, hard. She tasted like cotton candy too? Sweet. I wrapped her in my hooves and wings and went to town. It didn’t take long before I was on top and was pinning her down, still tongue wrestling with her. Applejack and Rainbow Dash just had to kill the buzz I thought would never die by pulling me off of her. To put it simply, we were both pissed about that. But we had shit to do, And Applejack wanted to talk to me. She excused us and pulled me aside. “Jens, two things. First, ah know ya were tryin ta be nice when ya locked eyes with me, but it’s kind of scary, jus so ya know. (well shit) second, ya’ll seem to be takin’ a real shine to kissin’ us all of a sudden. What gives?” Might as well be honest. “Jackie, I have always wanted to, and to be honest I almost did when I first met ya, but I was nervous. You all seemed to like me, in more ways than one, so now I’m not so nervous.” She just stared at me “Alright, but why mah friends too?” “Well, you tell me first, why are you three so quick to start making sexual advances on me?” she looked embarrassed. “Well... um... it’s just... we read that letter, and we figured ya might need something ta make ya feel... better about givin’ up what ya gave up ta be here.” I was ecstatic, and I couldn’t believe my wings were staying down. I knew that wasn’t everything, but she gave a good answer so I wouldn’t push it. “Okay, I appreciate that, but if I did need something to feel better, it would be more than just gettin laid.” She looked almost confused, but not quite. “What do ya mean?” Easy answer. “Jackie, you read that letter. You know I’m here for life, so I want to enjoy myself. I want a girlfriend, or, if you’ll let me, girlfriends.” Now she looked confused. “What do ya mean if ah let ya?” Dammit, oh well. “I love you, Applejack, and I just realized I love Pinkie and Dash too, but I loved you first, for a long time. I arrived here on your farm, you were my first friend here, to be honest, you were the first girl I really ever kissed, you were the first girl I’ve seen... down there, I hope you will be my first girlfriend, I REALLY hope so, and I hope you will be my first... mare too. But whether you like it or not Applejack, I am your buck.” She looked as happy as I was. “Jens, if we didn’t have to go to sugarcube corner right away, ah would ride ya till the cows came home.” There go my wings again. POMF! “But yeah, ah will be your girlfriend, and ‘round here, ya say it marefriend.” Alright, my turn to do a tackle-kiss. -- I had her on the ground in less than a second. I planted my muzzle right on hers and started pushing. I was standing up, just because I didn’t want to pin her down, but I still pushed hard. She was quick to respond. And soon we were rolling around just like I was doing with Pinkie Pie. Pinkie and Dash started rubbing my wings again, my legs gave out, and I almost screamed, not because of what they were doing, but a certain part of me hit the ground at a very bad angle. (I did know I had a boner this time, it was there since the first wing-rub, and they are always around with a wingboner.) I toughed it out and kept kissing AJ. Besides, I had three big distractions from the pain. That kept on for a very short time when Rainbow Dash remembered something and stopped. Why does someone always have to kill my buzz? “Come on guys, we’re gonna be late if we don’t leave now.” I sighed and got up, then helped Applejack up. I put my clothes back on. There were protests but I really didn’t want a repeat of my dirt fucking accident. actually, the main reason was because I spent some of the night re-configuring my vest to hold some of my knives and a tomahawk instead of mags and grenades. I still had the glock and those mags, but I made it a point to get another vest set up for actual combat. This one would be more like a patrol vest with three edged weapons on it, (I like blades, sue me.) and I really wanted to see how comfortable it was. Soon enough we started walking. Applejack and I walked side by side. When we got on the road to town when Applejack decided she wanted to fuck with me a little bit more. “Hey, Jens.” She made a point of moving from my side to right in front of me. I was looking everywhere. It was all so cool. “yeah, Jackie?” I hoped she wouldn’t mind me calling her that in front of her partners-in-sexual-awesomeness. I looked at her, and froze again, eyes wide, tiny irises, about two feet behind her. She was bent over, ass in the air and tail up, and I could see everything again. POMF! There those go again, not that I cared. I don’t know what it is about ponies, but they are ultimate sexy. Especially these three. Then she dropped her tail, stood up, and walked off. “Jus so ya remember ya’ll are MY buck. An ya can go after Pinkie an Dash after we have a private night, as in, just the two of us.” I somehow regained control of my body and kept walking, grinning like an idiot. The rest of the walk was spent on random questions from everyone, mostly though about what Applejack was talking about. Note: this isn’t going to be a suggestive stuff only fic; I plan on having a chapter or two that is just clopping, and one that is graphic gore filled combat. I will try to make it so you can skip them and not get lost in the rest of the story. Just so ya know.
Chapter 3A DIFFERENT KIND OF EVIL MLP:FIM FANFIC CHAPTER 3: When we got to town I got kind of paranoid. Everypony was looking at me. But I guess that could have been from all the weapons I had strapped to me, or the eyes, or that Applejack was using me as a mobile leaning post. Either way I didn’t like it. I’m pretty sure I even heard whispering somewhere. We met Twilight, Fluttershy, and Rarity at sugarcube corner, and for some reason went elsewhere for lunch. (Probably because a sweet shop didn’t exactly have healthy food on the menu.) We ended up at an outdoor place called the brohoof bistro. I couldn’t help but snort at the name. Once we were seated and the waiter left to get our drinks, and give us a sec to decide what to eat, we started chatting. At least there is chocolate milk in Equestria, even though I got a strange look for ordering a little kid drink (Pinkie Pie ordered it too) I think it went well for my first interaction with the general population. At least I was sitting next to Applejack. Of course the first thing Twilight said got me even more strange looks from everypony around. “So Jens, what do you eat?” I have to start thinking before I speak. Everypony seemed horrified after I replied. “Well, ah’m guessin ya’ll don’t have much for meat-based food round here, so whatever aint dry grass ah guess.” It took a second for the whole place to finish gasping. “Ahh, fuck. Ah just said that eh?” another gasp. This wasn’t going well anymore, but still better than I expected. At least Twilight saved my ass. She’s pretty cool. “Would everypony here please mind their own business!” everypony did. And the conversation kept on. “So, do you eat fruit or vegetables?” don’t know why, but I smiled. “Oh yeah, ah’m an omnivore.” I puffed up my chest. “Sides, ya live with muh pa fer awhile you learn to eat things that would make a billygoat puke.” (RAMBO!) Everypony I was sitting with started laughing. Out of the blue Rarity sniffed the air and had to ask something embarrassing. Buzz-Killington right here. “Excuse me, but how long has it been since you cleaned yourself?” I started rubbing the back of my head. “Well, probly about two weeks.” Everypony recoiled. Even Applejack stopped leaning on me (aww). And Rarity decided to push it. I really didn’t like her. “OH! Now THAT is unacceptable! How can one go so long without bathing!?” I was kind of pissed and embarrassed at the same time. “It’s not like ah don’t bath by choice. The water tank in muh house blew open, an the lake is too cold to swim in right now. If it means so much to ya, ah’ll lump in the first lake ah see.” That was good enough for everyone but Rarity. “Alright, but you must also do something with your mane. I simply cannot have any friend of mine dating a pony with such an atrocious sense of hygiene.” She had a point. “Okay, that’s true. ah do need a haircut, and if Applejack is nice enough to let me take her out, then I should at least keep myself lookin good for her.” (There goes the accent, funny how that works.) Rarity suddenly got that creepy “I’m gonna take things too far” look. “IDEEEA! I just happen to have a few spa day coupons at home I’ve been saving for a special occasion. We should all go spend the afternoon there. Get a massage, a good grooming, maybe a pony-Pedi. My treat.” Everypony agreed but me. Now usually this is where I draw the line, but I did really want to meet Aloe and Lotus, the massage sounded really good too, and I might get to see Applejack with her hair down, so fuck the line. During that thought Applejack spoke up. “Well, your call Jens.” I made an “I surrender” face. “Okay, deal. Just don’t take this too far, alright.” I’m pretty sure nopony expected that, but they were all beaming. This won’t end well. We ate lunch, which was actually pretty good for not having meat, and made our way over to Rarity’s boutique. I admit it was pretty cool. We waited in the main room while Rarity got the tickets. Pinkie Pie had a brainwave. “Hey, Jens. Why don’t you leave your clothes here, you know, so you don’t scare ponies with all the knives?” I almost hugged her. “Great idea Pinkie, but I really think I should ask before leaving stuff somewhere.” She went to ask Rarity right away. If she wasn’t so random, Twilight and Fluttershy might have suspected something in the way she seemed so excited to get my clothes off. As for me, AJ, and Dash, we were having a hard time not bursting out laughing. Pinkie came rocketing back in a few seconds later. “She says just leave them by the door, now get em off.” I barely kept my wings down. I got my clothes off, (in relative privacy this time) and we were ready to go. Once we were moving Twilight noticed my cutie mark. “Hey Jens, what does your cutie mark, or cutie marks, mean?” I looked at her, since she was right beside me, well, on the other side of Applejack. (Yay, she was leaning on me again!) “Well, they kind of run together. That’s the rebel flag on top, so... duh, professional redneck. And the bullet... don’t really know.” She just rolled her eyes. “Humans are so strang- WAIT! Professional redneck?” she moved really close and started examining my neck. Big laugh from me an AJ. “No, my neck aint really red. It’s a type of person.” Twilight seemed intrigued. “Please explain.” “Well, it’s like this. Ya got city folks, gangsters, and rednecks. City folks are more of the really fancy, really rich types who can’t actually work for shit. Gangsters are city folks that got a good dose of stupid when they were born, and they think wearing clothes wrong is cool for some reason. And then there’s rednecks. We got the best of the deal. Most of us don’t got lot’s o money, so we fix something ourselves when it breaks. We all work for a living, instead of sitting in some fancy office jackin’ off all day.” Everypony laughed their asses off. Don’t really know when they started listening. “An the best part is, we don’t take shit from nobody. Cuz we do shit right. No holding guns sideways like an idiot, no tiny ass cars that get stuck in an inch o snow, and we never fuck with a girl. Ya know, cuz redneck girls can beat the shit out o ya if ya do.” Applejack punched me in the shoulder. “At’s right big boy.” Everypony started laughing. “Dam, AJ. Ya know you would make a great boxer if apple farmin don’t work out.” Rainbow Dash hit the ground laughing. “Yeah, you should see her when she tries.” That kind of scared me, but made me really proud of her at the same time. The rest of the walk was small talk about random stuff. When we got to the spa, I was impressed. It was a pretty big building. Two pink and blue mares came to greet us. Rarity levitated up the tickets. “Hello Aloe, hello Lotus. (couldn’t believe that is actually their names) my friends and I would like to redeem these coupons, and this young buck desperately needs some work.” I didn’t mind that because it was true, and I like being called a buck, it sounds badass. Aloe walked up to me and held out a hoof. “Hello, you must be new to town, I’m Aloe, what is your name?” she had the cutest voice. “Names Jens, pleasure to meet ya, Miss Aloe.” I shook her hoof. Turns out she is awesome. “The pleasure is all mine, and please, there is no need for formalities, you can just call me Aloe if you want.” I was probably grinning like an idiot again. “Sounds good, Aloe.” She giggled. I wondered if she thought I was hitting on her or not. Either way she took it was good. “So what kind of treatments were you thinking of getting?” I scratched the back of my head again. “Well, to be honest, I’ve never done this stuff before, so I guess that’s up to you.” I ruffled up my mane. “This needs to get taken care of, I guess, an’ ah do want to look good, so whatever ya feel like doin, ah guess, got a few hours ta kill.” She giggled again. Something about it, just so cute. “You have an interesting accent.” I facehoofed. “Sorry, ah can’t really control it, jus sorta happens when it does.” She giggled again. Jesus, how many ponies do I have a crush on all of a sudden? She gestured for a door. “Right this way, we’ll start with haircuts, then.” We all followed her in. I went with her to get a haircut, and the girls followed Lotus to get something called a moisturising wrap. Once we were in the place to cut hair Aloe turned to me. “So have you ever gotten a trim before?” once again I started acting nervous. Dam this pony, she makes me nervous. “Uh, kinda. Dad jus gets us ta stand outside an does it.” she gave me a weird look and gestured to something that looked like a massage table. “Okay, well, just lay on this, put your face in the hole, and relax.” I smiled at her, and she smiled back. If Applejack didn’t have dibs, I would have been hitting on her, as it was, I was just being nice. “Ah c’n do that.” I hopped on the table and did as I was told. She asked “do you have any particular style in mind?” I gave her a look that she understood. I know nothing about this crap. “As long as it doesn’t get in my eyes after I go swimmin, and it doesn’t look gay, I’m happy” she shoved a hoof in her mouth to try and suppress the laugh, but she took it out right away and started laughing. “...HAHAHA... sorry, most boys who come in here ARE gay.” We both laughed. “Let me rephrase that. As long as it doesn’t get in my eyes, and girls think it looks good, I’m happy.” She giggled, then pushed my head back down. Dam, forceful. “I’ll do my best, just know that I don’t know that many buck styles.” I half mumbled “just cut it all a little short, think practical and tactical.” She paused for a second. “I don’t really know what that means, but okay, I’ll try.” About halfway through the haircut she had to ask, “So, do you have a marefriend?” I almost jumped, don’t know why, but I did. “Uhh, kinda, Applejack said she would go out with me.” Then I got a brainwave. “Can I ask you something?” she nodded. “it’s just, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash kind of... made a move on me, all at once, and I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that it happened but... do you think you might know a reason why?” let me explain something. I have no idea why I do or say what I do most of the time. IT JUST HAPPENS. Instinct, stupidity, or whatever, I usually act then think. Maybe the redneck gene, but whatever. Anyway, she stopped, and made the last 18 hours make sense. “Well, three things, most mares are... let’s just say... umm... AHHH! Most mares are really horny this time of year. (Oh god yes) You are actually, if you don’t mind me saying, very cute for such a big buck. (Score!) And, well, five of the girls you are with never had coltfreinds before. And anypony can guess that Rarity is the exception.” I couldn’t help but laugh. “That hussy.” We both laughed really hard. “That would be rude if she was here. So, did that help?” “You have no idea” aloe continued cutting my hair while we talked. “Would I be a douche if I... took advantage of the opportunity?” she tugged my hair a bit. “Well, yes and no. I’m sure they would appreciate that you helped them suppress their urges so they can actually focus during the day, but like you said, you would be taking advantage.” “What if they actually like me? Would it be worse that I didn’t help them?” she slapped me on the back of the head. Ow. “Well duh.” “Okay, so how do I find out?” she cuffed me again. “Ow. Stop that” “then quit being so dumb.” That was mean. “Sorry, I don’t exactly have a lot of experience with girls.” She froze. “How is that possible for a buck like you? You must have to hide from the mares.” I chuckled a little bit. “I’m flattered that you think that, but no. I live kind of on my own. And the girls I do know where I’m from hate me.” Aloe cracked me across the back. That hurt like fuck. (Very sensitive area remember) “What the fuck was that for!?” she casually started cutting my hair again. “That was for being mean to mares that might have liked you.” Oh, right, she doesn’t know. “They hate me because I don’t let thieves onto my property.” She paused, and then kept going. “In that case, sorry.” Now I was a little annoyed. “You’re sorry. For cracking me across the back, or assuming I’m a douche.” If I could see her, I bet I would have seen a sorry face. “Well, both.” She changed her tone. “Let me make it up to you.” “How?” if my brain worked properly, I would have noticed that tone right away. As it was... yeah. I literally bounced right off the table after she reached down and... Guess what she started rubbing. I got up and started backing up. “Woah, I appreciate the offer, but Applejack’s got first dibs, and Pinkie and Dash have seconds.” She got a sour face on. “Fine, then. How about this? You said you are with Applejack? And that Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash might want to be with you too?” I nodded. “Okay, then. Have you ever heard of a couple’s massage?” “No.” She looked almost embarrassed that she asked such an obvious question. “Well, I think you’ll like this then. When we are getting ready for massages, I’ll try to get you four in a separate room, at the very least you and Applejack. You with me so far?” I nodded. “The way the massage works is that one of the girls will lay on your back, (sounds good) I will massage her, and the motions will be transferred through her body into yours.” I nodded my head really fast, grinning. “Fuck yeah, let’s do it!” she started giggling again. “Okay then, back on the table.” As soon as the haircut was done I was shown to the giant tub where the girls were waiting. Applejack, Dash, and Pinkie looked excited to see me. I was just as excited, but probably for a different reason. I hopped in and swam over to Applejack. Well, less swam then waded. Ponies weren’t made for swimming. Applejack had her hair down. Holy shit did that look good. I think I heard angels singing when I first saw her. She pulled me up really close, then Pinkie dumped a bucket of soapy-water on my head. My reaction was very much less than graceful. What with freaking out a little bit. Everypony else found it hilarious. Rainbow Dash scooted over once she was done laughing. “What’s the matter? Scared of water? Or is it the soap?” she fell back splashing and laughing again. I didn’t care. The bath was actually relaxing, and the underwater seats were awesome too. Luxury to the max. Applejack stopped laughing and started scrubbing my back. Fucking fuck did that feel awesome. “Well, yer new style did look good, for a bit anyway.” I snorted. “Really?” she wrapped her forelegs around my neck and started hugging me from behind. “Ya ah did. It looked cool.” I managed to get her grip loosened and swing her around in front of me so I could hug her back, and lean back. “Well, soon as muh hair dries it should look like ‘at again.” Applejack suddenly leaned in and kissed me again. I couldn’t get used to it. Eyes big, irises tiny, and stiff as a board. Twilight, Fluttershy, and Rarity gasped. Don’t know why, this wasn’t brand new. And Twilight had to be a buzz-kill. She levitated Applejack off of me and plopped her into the water. She didn’t like that. “Uhh, Applejack? I think you should wait until you know him a bit better before you get into... that kind of... stuff.” Applejack walked right over to Twilight and stared her down. Fuck did Twilight look scared. “Ah don’t rightly think that’s any of yer business. He’s mah buck, so ah c’n do what ah want with him.” I was really fucking close to squealing. “I second that motion!” Had to say it. I love that girl. It only made my day better when she waded over to me and started kissing me again. We kind of made out and washed each other at the same time for awhile. Fuck was that hot. The girls were jealous as hell, I could feel it. Especially Dash and Pinkie. I couldn’t believe the whole “he’s not really a pony” deal came up. Of course it couldn’t last. Aloe and Lotus came in and disrupted us. (Most likely by request of the other girls) “Excuse me, but it is time for massages, if you could follow us please.” I groaned as Applejack got off of me, but I instantly remembered what was coming, so I shut up and played the good boy. As soon as me and Applejack were shown to the massage room, by ourselves, (no Pinkie or Dashie, aww) Aloe explained what was going to happen, I’ll give you the rundown. Applejack got some weird smelling, slimy shit on her belly, I got it on my back. I was shown (forcefully) to a mattress on the floor by Aloe. (Still pissed) and Applejack used my back and neck as a mattress and pillow. Not so bad, I guess. Then the massage started. Fuck. I had literally never been that physically relaxed, or calm before, and it was a second-hand massage. Second hoof, whatever. I was almost scared I was gonna forget to breathe. Every motion put on Applejack’s back really did make its way through to me. They also caused Applejack to push into my back a little harder, so I felt more. Don’t forget the back is really fucking sensitive. I was seriously borderline passing out from pure relaxation. Applejack kept me awake by kissing the back of my neck. Hundred percent she was loving this as much as I was. Fucking fuck, everything that was happening was dragging me into a deeper state of bliss. Aloe seemed to notice my over-relaxation and backed off. “Well, well, looks like the two of you really like this.” How I was able to speak is beyond me. “Yup, ah’m hopelessly addicted.” Applejack gave a little snicker. “Addicted to what?” I craned my neck to give her a kind of backwards nuzzle. “You.” She nuzzled right in to the back of my neck and settled in. That’s it, never moving again. Aloe walked over with a tray in her mouth with three cups on it and set it down next to us. “You two are making my job so easy with your newfound sensitivity, I thought we’d take an iced-tea break before we move on to the deeper massages. Drink up.” We took our time drinking the iced-tea, which tasted like brisk. We chatted a bit, and Aloe explained that the next two hours were gonna be a definite new experience for the both of us. One thing came up though that might be of interest. Aloe wanted to dig into our previous conversation. “So Applejack, what drew you to this young buck?” Applejack got really nervous. “Um... well... ah, um... he...” “C’mon Jackie, ah kinda wanna know why ya took such a quick shinin’ ta me too.” I instantly regretted calling her Jackie. She landed a quick punch to my ribs, really hard, and she didn’t even have to move from her perch upon my back. “OW... uhh, sorry. Ah jus wanna know... ah mean, if ya don’t wanna, you’re the boss, but pleeease?” that landed me a nice pat on the head. I liked it. Don’t judge, you would have to. “Fine, but ya’ll gotta promise me that this stays between the three of us, kay?” I couldn’t believe she was gonna say this in front of Aloe, they must be really good friends. She moved to use my head as a neck rest and bend her head down to look into my eyes upside down. Equestria kicks ass. “Well, there’s jus somethin about ya’ll. Ah’ve never really been into this whole romance thing, but ah have wanted that kind of... relationship fer a long time.” She had my full attention like my life depended on absorbing every word. “But ah never found anypony who ah liked, or liked me. So ah kinda just pushed it aside till now.” She seemed to take notice of my giant puppy dog eyes, in all their pupil-less, night-vision having, awesomeness. “Aww. Looks like somepony’s in love.” I half-whispered “yeah.” Of course that’s when shit had to start hitting the fan. Equestria kicked ass, but sometimes it can really piss you off. Somepony in the next room screamed. I was up instantly, and pissed. No one ruins my Applejack time. Speaking of which, she slid off my back as I got up. Slimy shit proves useful. Anyway, I opened the door and saw three griffins, two dudes and one girl. One had a gun, the other two had knives. They were standing in a row right in front of me. Too fucking easy. I grabbed the dude with a knife by the throat, threw his ass down, and gave him a one-hoof buck to the face. He was down. My voice got way deeper than it should be, like, perfect scary voice. “Catch you fuckers at a bad time?” the other two spun around and started backing up. “GET BACK! OR YOU’LL END UP IN THE HOSPITAL!” I started advancing. They were really scared. “You DON’T know who you’re fucking with.” Right about then I made a REALLY funny observation, and I totally lost all traces of seriousness. “Is that a fucking musket!?” the griffin dude looked almost proud. “Yeah, it’ll kill you from a hundred yards away. So back off.” I started laughing. The griffin got offensive. “SHUT UP!” I stopped laughing, but I was far from serious. “Okay, fine what do ya want? And why did you come in here by yourselves?” I had no idea if they were alone, but it helps to have Intel. I was right, they were alone. “How do you know that?” I had a sly smile on. “You answer first.” everypony slithered away into a corner, behind some cover. Good, I was about to make my move, right after he answered the question. “Here’s a hint. I have a gun, you have money, I want it. Ya get it? Now answer, how did ya know we’re alone?” “I didn’t, you just told me.” I turned so he could see my cutie mark. “Ya see this? It symbolises that I am the best, gun or not. So, either leave now, or both of you are going to have a very, very bad day.” They both started shaking. This was going to be too easy. I spun around, stood up, grabbed the barrel, which was pointing to my right, and pulled it really stupidly across to my left, and back. There was a shot, and I felt a little bit of stinging on my left side, but I didn’t think it hit anything. Probably just the flash. As he moved forward I gave him one mother fucker of a right to the face. He dropped like a bag o hammers. I couldn’t help but smile. The girl, who looked like that Gilda bitch, came at me, knife in hand. I grabbed her arm and flipped her onto her back. Guarantee the last thing she saw before she was out was a big green hoof. Normally I can’t do shit like that, but it didn’t surprise me. Woke up in Equestria as a pony, got guns and trucks rich people don’t have, found out someone fucked with my DNA, got Applejack as a girlfriend, three other girls trying to get me into bed, and can apparently fight like Zohan, all in day one. Nothing else is ever going to surprise me. I went back down on all fours so I could get a better look at them. “Dumbasses.” Pinkie Pie screamed. “SOMEPONY GET A FIRST AID KIT!!!” I giggled a bit. “Oh come on, they’re fine. Trust me, it could be WAY worse.” She ran up and pushed me over. Everypony jumped into action. Twilight floated a first aid kit off of a wall and over to Pinkie Pie, everypony else was pinning me down. I had no idea what was going on. “What the hell are you doing?” nopony answered, but I put two and two together and looked at down. Sure as shit I took a bullet. Well, not really. It was pretty bad though. The ball slid along my side, just under my wing, (count myself lucky) and made a gash about three-quarters of an inch deep, that much wide, and six or eight inches long. I was bleeding really badly all over the floor, and still all I felt was the equivalent of a paper cut. Twilight and Pinkie Pie were ripping gauze packages open and kind of overdoing it on the bandaging. The whole time I was getting bandaged up I was trying to calm everypony down. “Seriously, it’s not that bad. Just calm down.” Of course they didn’t listen until one of the griffins got up. Then I had to give another right to the face, which made them freak out even more. But since I was standing again I decided that enough was enough. Bandages were done five minutes before, the rest was Twilight fiddling with them and everypony else getting kind of annoying telling me I was gonna be fine. “Everyone just SHUT UP!!!” they finally did. I spoke very clearly. “Alright, now, someone go get someone to deal with these dicks...” I gestured to the griffins. Fluttershy took off. “And someone tie their sorry asses up.” Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Aloe took to that. Twilight and Pinkie walked over to me, and Twilight picked me up with her magic. I started waving my legs around trying to grab something. “Okay, that’s done, now we need to get you to a doctor before this gets worse.” I gave up, and just let myself hang. “Is it too much to ask for jus one day where ah c’n relax an be happy?” Twilight set me down on a mattress. “Oh, come on. Your day wasn’t that bad, was it?” I looked at her. “Nope, this is the best day of muh life, an’ ah got shot, kinda. How bad is that?” I laid my head down and huffed. Applejack finished tying the would-be robbers up, and walked over to lay beside me. She wiggled right up close and nuzzled me on the neck. “Aw, come on loverboy, ya’ll jus need t get yerself fixed up an’ we’ll have a great day tomorrow, promise.” I grabbed her and gave her a big bear-hug. “Ah’m feelin better now.” We got into a nuzzle fight, and then Twilight walked over and cleared her throat. “I might be able to help, on one condition.” I raised my head “huh?” “I have a few books on healing spells at the library. I think I can get you fixed up right away, but in return I would like to examine you, today.” I was on my hooves ready to rock. “Then let’s go.” Applejack cut in. “now hang on a sec, Twilight. What do ya mean? ya’ll want to inspect him? For what?” Twilight smiled, but it was a nervous smile. “I said would like to examine him. I’m very curious as to how he can change between pony and hu-.” She cut herself off as we all realised the cops, Aloe, and Lotus were standing right behind us. Like fucking ninjas. Twilight started walking to the door really quick. “Well, shall we?” we exchanged some awkward goodbyes and started walking. Pinkie Pie came running up and started walking with us. “Ooh, I’ve never seen an alien examination before, well, except in that one play, but that was SOOOOOO fake.” Twilight smiled and rolled her eyes in silent agreement. Pinkie Pie is so random. Then Rainbow Dash came shooting over from somewhere, carrying my vest. “Here, take it, it’s really heavy.” I let her drop it on my back. “Well, no. It’s designed to stop high-power, armor-piercing rifle rounds, it’ll be super light.” She had to make the joke. “Maybe you should never take it off, seeing as you can’t go three hours without getting shot.” All four of them started laughing. “Oh yeah, make fun of the guy who’s hurt.” Rainbow Dash landed and started walking with us. “So where are you guys going?” Pinkie Pie burst out. “Twilight’s gonna do all kinds of experiments on Jens, and we’re gonna watch. Wanna come?” Rainbow Dash giggled. “Yeah sure, I’ll come. Ya know, in case Jens tries to eat somepony. Always helps to have a hero around.” All of us laughed. Twilight clarified the Pinkie rant. “Actually, I’m gonna close up that big gash on his side, and examine him to see just how much of him is a pony.” I spoke up. “Well, I think I’m all pony like this, and all human when I am human.” Applejack poked me in the side. “Ah think you’re right.” I turned and looked at her. “Ya know, that would have hurt like hell if I could feel it.” she blushed. “Oh, sorry.” “It’s cool.” The rest of the walk was okay... until we got kind of around the middle of town.
Chapter 5A DIFFERENT KIND OF EVIL MLP:FIM FANFIC CHAPTER 5: I have no idea how long I was out, probably not that long, the sun was still up, but you can probably guess I wasn’t in a good mood. I opened my eyes, groaning and rubbing my head, and was instantly in the tightest hug I’ve ever experienced. Applejack had me by the neck, almost choking me, and she was crying. “Oh, thank goodness! You’re alive! Ah was so worried... ya stopped breathin... and ah tried to help, but...” I rolled onto my side as she trailed off. She loosened her grip as I did. I spit and coughed out a shitload of blood. Great, just FUCKING great! I bit my tongue. Wait, no I didn’t... OW! I did, and it was already healing. Score for the speed-heal. I’ll put this simply. Blood was drawn, from me. Now I was on the fucking warpath. I was seething when I got up, and every few seconds I got more pissed off. Applejack put a hoof on my neck, which I actually didn’t feel that much, what I did feel was stinging. She quickly removed it and we both stared at it. It was dripping blood. Apparently, their little trick removed my vest, sent me through the door, through a cart, and skidding on my back for fifteen or twenty feet until my head connected with a lamp post and stopped me, my vest actually landing next to me. My back and the back of my neck had a fucking pile of deep gashes and scratches on them, bleeding badly. Not my day for good health. I absolutely lost it. “THAT DAMN MOTHERFUCKER!!!” I turned to the mostly missing library doorway and screamed “GET OUT HERE YOU FLAMING BAG OF SHIT!” as loud as I could, strapping my vest back on at the same time. There were four royal guards standing by the mostly missing doorway. Big ones. Celestia and Luna were standing right behind them. One of the guards, a dark grey Pegasus, spoke as all of the guards were advancing on me. “Take your leave, before we make you.” Applejack was bouncing around me trying to calm me down. As much as I hated to, I ignored her. “Ah ain’t goin’ nowhere...” I was standing there, with one evil grin on my face, blood dripping off of me or running down my leg pretty badly, staring down four royal guards, the biggest one being the tiniest bit smaller than me. I was looking for a fight, I needed a fight. I pointed at the biggest guard and continued speaking. “...but ah will take a piece of him.” He looked ready to scrap. They all did. The big one started walking towards me and the grey one replied. “A piece you will have.” I got into battle stance, and this weird whine started emanating from nowhere. An electric whine, like on Ironman when he charges up his repulsors, only a lot more drawn out. Applejack took on a seriously horrified look and backed off. The girls in the library finally made their way out, took on the same look, and backed against a wall. The guards backed up too. Even Celestia and Luna looked scared. Applejack whispered just loud enough for me to hear. “Woah, Nelly...” I looked at her, and she backed up more. “What is it?” she swallowed and walked forward a little, she knew I would never hurt her, it just took her a second to remember. She still kept her distance, she was so scared she sounded like Fluttershy with an accent. “Y-y-ya’ll... ya’ll are... g-glowin.” I looked at a hoof, I didn’t see it. Applejack clarified for me. “Yer hair... and yer eyes. They’re glowin blue.” I looked back to my hoof and started thinking. If I could change from pony to human just by thinking the word, this should be similar. I imagined my entire right foreleg covered in electricity, like I saw when that spell was being cast. Much to my enjoyment, it worked. It worked very well. My entire foreleg was wrapped in a web of lightning, cracking, popping, and buzzing. I imagined it stopping, and it did. I looked to my back and all the blood that was dripping off of me. Much to my surprise, the small wounds had already mostly healed up, but the big ones were still pretty bad. I imagined that healing. It didn’t work. Electrical sparks arced across the wounds, but they didn’t close, so I was still covered in bloody wounds. I imagined my hair and eyes going back to the way they were and pretty much powering down, that worked. I thought of powering back up and electricity arcing in my hair, just to look cool. Great, that worked, now for the fun stuff. Don’t ask me why, but I turned human. I flicked my hand out thinking pretty much bright blue energy sword, only more like predator where they both shoot out from the top of his arm. I was giggling happy when two big solid electricity blades shot out the top of my right arm, making the energy sword noise. FSSSSSSHHH! I remembered the situation soon enough, AFTER A FUCKING WONDERBOLT TACKLED ME!!! I rolled over, flicked her off, and rolled back onto my feet ready to fight, like a fucking ninja. She was an orange haired, and judging by the patches of her coat I could see, orange coated Pegasus mare. Two more landed on either side of her, one with blue hair, one with yellow hair, both ready to fight. I realised who that mare was and pointed at her, wiping blood from my mouth. (Good hit) “You’re Spitfire, right?” She nodded, getting into battle stance herself. “Yeah, why?” I lowered my arms and ended the blades. So fucking cool! “I’m not gonna fight you.” Thinking about it, I turned to the guards, just in time to catch a hoof to the jaw. Fucking sucker-punched. I was calmed down a fair bit, but that set me raging again. I turned pony, and kicked the shit out of that dude. Tackled him into part of the cart I flew through, smashed his head through it, punched him in the ribs probably twenty times as hard as I could, and threw him at the other guards, knocking them all on their asses. The wonderbolt with the yellow hair launched at me. I turned human, stuck my hand out, caught him by the neck, and pinned him against a wall, putting my glock to his chin. “Try it! Ah dare ya!” Yeah, I was pissed. Applejack and Vinyl ran up and started screaming at me to let him go, tears in their eyes. “Come on! Don’t do this!” My pissation was replaced with kind of a sorry feeling, and I dropped him. He hit the floor wheezing and hacking. I felt really bad. Not for the fight, for making AJ and Vinyl tear up. Hate doing that. I took a few deep breaths, turned pony, and hugged Applejack. Needed that hug, really needed that hug. Made me smile when Vinyl joined in. After all of that was done, I helped the wonderbolt up. I’m a nice guy... usually. “Sorry bout that, bra. Ah kinda lost it.fer a sec there.” The other wonderbolts wandered over, cautiously. Spitfire decided to try talk to me. “So... are you... the alien?” I looked at her. “The whatnow?” She shrugged. “Princess Celestia said she would be bringing an alien here to help us out, are you him?” my turn to shrug. “I guess so.” Spitfire giggled. COME ON! How many freakin ponies have cute giggles? Know what? I’m gonna say something. “Ya know, you got a cute little laugh.” She folded her ears back, and I could see the blush through her suit. “Thanks.” WHACK! “Dammit!” I turned to see who did that, Rainbow Dash. “Easy there, hotshot. We still gotta talk Applejack into letting you romance other girls.” I felt the heat rushing to my cheeks. “I didn’t mean it like that... well, I did... but... AH! FUCK!” Applejack heard that and walked over. “Now jus hang on there, Rainbow. Ah already told him he can romance other girls, he jus can’t go fer a roll in the hay till ah get the first turn.” Spitfire walked right up to me, almost pushing me over. “Ya know, the Princess told me you’d be lookin for a girl, or two, or five. Any chance I could get in on that?” Over I go. WHEEEE-THUD! Everypony took that as blood loss or something. I had to bat them off as I got up. “I’m fine. My brain just got a little... overloaded.” That was actually true. Basically, it’s like this: Applejack is number one, Vinyl/Ditzy number two, Spitfire number 3, and team rainbowpie is number four. So, four out of six of my favourite ponies have asked me out. Insert fuckyeah face here. Spitfire is actually pretty cool, if that wasn’t obvious enough. She got us all calmed down and led inside, and even talked me, the guards, and that wonderbolt, who’s name turned out to be Stormwatch. Into apologising to each other while Twilight patched me up, again. What a cool name, eh? Fuckin rights it is. After all was said and done, I won’t go into detail because it was boring as hell, the guards waited outside while the rest of us all got on the same page. So it’s like this. These terrorist dudes were part of an international human experiment of some kind, when their ship was transported to the southern tip of Equestria, with them in it. It was a military ship, so guns, ammo, rockets, whatever they had on board came with them. Not all of them were bad, but they couldn’t exactly walk home, so they stuck with the bunch, supposedly about a hundred originally. Celestia went to see them as soon as she learned of their existence. Apparently that was a bad idea. As soon as they learned about how ponies generally can’t defend themselves that great without serious powerful magic, they decided to go to war. Or, at least, take over. Not right away, but eventually. They started giving a gun and rank to anyone who wanted in and could kill, and they still were. So, about two hundred now, scattered around in about a dozen camps. According to the informant, that was enough for them to get started. Hearing this did some weird things to my brain. I can’t imagine what the girl’s brains were doing, but the looks on their faces said freaking out. As for me, I went from terrified, to nervous, to just right cocky. Yeah, it was just me, NOT! I was already thinking about training a few ponies or something to be my team. But seriously, two hundred rag-tag bandits, comprising of old people, maybe a few of their kids, if there was any females on that boat, and some untrained, or undertrained idiots. This would be easy. The best part of the next hour? Probably the best thing to ever happen to me so far. As it turns out, Twilight is very uncomfortable with people she doesn’t know so well suddenly moving in with her. Go figure, eh? Dash jumped at the opportunity, since Twilight knew now anyway. She launched off the couch she was sitting on right into me, knocking me onto my back. (I was sitting on the floor next to AJ, it’s actually really comfortable for a pony) I wasn’t shocked, but I wasn’t expecting that either. Rainbow Dash had her nose pressing into mine. I could taste her sudden excitement. “You can TOTALLY come stay with me!” She backed her head up a bit, then dived down and kissed me. Twilight was the only one who was surprised. Dash kept our faces pressed together for a few seconds, no tongue involved, before she broke the kiss and nuzzled my neck. Needless to say I wrapped my forelegs around her as soon as she planted her face onto mine. Rainbow whispered, I don’t know why. “I promise it’ll be awesome.” Twilight being Twilight, levitated Dash off of me and plumped her down beside her. “Rainbow Dash, NO! I understand it’s that time of year, and you might like him, but NOT in MY home! That is something private! Besides, you’re the element of loyalty! What are you doing trying to seduce Applejack’s “buck”!? She is your best friend! What would she think!?” My amazing little AJ cut Twilight off, and looked smug just to rub it in. Making me turn bright red at the same time. “Twi, ah want them to do it, after mah turn. Besides...” Applejack finished helping me up and nuzzled into the side of my neck. That is SO much better than hugs. “...What kind of friend would ah be if ah kept this big-hearted buck to mahself.” The next twenty minutes or so were filled with evil glares, more than one uncomfortable pony, and words ponies should never hear, let alone say. It was getting dark out, so Pinkie and one of the wonderbolts took off. I went out on the balcony and sat down, munching on an apple. Dam those are good when AJ grows em. I had shit to think about, mainly, why were all these girls making moves on me, and why do I suddenly have a serious crush on four ponies besides Applejack? I mean, Pinkie, Dash, Vinyl, AND Spitfire? Worst part was that I didn’t know why they had such a serious effect on me. I kept wondering what Applejack would say if I told her. Celestia finally decided it was safe to approach me alone. “I’m sorry that had to hurt so much, but we haven’t figured out how to do it without severe pain.” I patted her on the shoulder. “It’s okay. I actually wanna say thanks. This is the best birthday present I ever got.” We shared a smile. “Do I really want to know why?” I shook my head. “Nope.” We chatted for awhile, mostly about how the whole never run out of gas thing and the ammo crates. Celestia put it the best way she could. Magic boxes and tanks. Or, more specifically, magically enhanced boxes and tanks. Apparently, fill them with whatever, close them up, cast a spell, and they fill themselves whenever they are closed. That is a new level of fuckin rights. We also talked about my body. Namely, the whole sensitivity thing. Here’s the rundown. She made my sensitive spots way more sensitive. Two ways, too. She put more nerves in those places, and made each nerve more receptive to touch, not pain, just touch, the good feeling stuff. And apparently when I sense a threat, they wind down so things don’t hurt as much. She also mentioned that she implanted some skills into my brain. Like martial arts, reading equestrian books (the letters are like horseshoes and shit, but I can read them), and flying, like, helicopters and planes, AWESOME! I did ask about my feather problem, her response was that she removed some propulsion feathers to keep me from getting hurt if I got ahead of myself. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK!!! She did say “you’re a smart guy, you’ll figure something out until they grow back.” I wondered just how much she actually knew about me. It’s usually not the problem that hurts me, it’s my solution. It took awhile, but I got up the balls to ask Celestia to make a couple more changes. I’ll skip the very awkward conversation and just tell you what I wanted done. Feel free to skip the next paragraph or two. I talked Celestia into doing a couple things to my... boxer areas... and not in that way! She agreed because she owed me for the feathers. Basically, now I can keep myself stiff even when I’m asleep if I want to. Nothing could be done for keeping it down, though. I can top out as many times as my body will let me before I pass out, without getting sore. The most important part though, is that I made sure my... size... well, it’s all me. Apparently they forgot about that. Good, I want the real me, at least down there. I ain’t a self-conscious douche. Getting the spell cast... it was awkward, for both of us. I had to lean back, open my legs, and somehow get it up. Easy, think of Applejack in the barn. Celestia must have had it even worse, or not, depending on who you ask. She had to get her face inches away from my... rifle barrel... and pretty much hover over it. Apparently she didn’t need to point her horn for this one. It felt so weird. Not mentally, either. Well, it was embarrassing, but I mean it FELT weird. I could feel this tingling pretty much from the center of my belly (where the tip ended up being) to my knees. Like that static-ish feeling when your leg or arm falls asleep. She didn’t help either. Her breath was washing over it, really making me feel awkward. Think about it. Super-sensitive pony privates, hot breath, already feeling tingly, not good. One thing about male pony privates, they aren’t anything like a standard equine package. They aren’t two feet long, they aren’t blotchy, and they don’t have a flat tip. They’re kind of... well... they’re like that one comic on rule 34 with Twilight and Dash, where they find that book, and Dash ends up boning Twilight. If you don’t know that one, it’s like a human crossed with a doggy-dick. I was so relieved when that was over. Celestia seemed all too happy to get back inside to chat with the girls. I just sat there and kept on thinking. At some point I put my glasses on so I could see the sky clearly. It looked pretty cool when it was dark enough. Eventually Celestia and Luna had to leave, taking the guards with them. Stormwatch left too. When I looked inside I saw Twi, Vinyl, AJ, Dash, and Spitfire sitting around talking about something. They seemed to understand I needed some alone time. I didn’t really care. I still had shit to think out. At some point I started pissing around with the energy sword thing. Trying it out with my pony body. According to Celestia that is heavy duty concentrated Pegasus magic she pumped into me. She said it works like unicorn magic, only my whole body can be the focal point, not just a horn. That pretty much makes me a huge Tesla coil, with a lot more control, and a shitload cooler. As far as the blade goes, it’s beyond cool. It made the tiniest little hum, but you had to really listen to hear it, and you had to be within a foot of it. It’s about two feet long normally. I found out I can control things like the length or the shape of it. It could be long and smooth edged, like a sword, or short and jagged for serious damage. I can also control the brightness to a degree. I can take it from something like an almost dead blue glow stick, to pretty much the sun, tinted blue of course. Another little discovery I made was that the brighter it glows, the louder it is. From a gentle, barely audible hum, to a loud buzzing like an arc welder. At some point Vinyl came outside for whatever reason. I didn’t notice her until she sat down pretty close to me and started talking. “So, I guess we have the same birthday.” Cool enough. But that wasn’t a topic I liked. You’ll see why. I found a spot in the sky to stare at. “Really?” “Yup. So, how old are you gonna be?” I kept the stare up. “Eighteen.” Vinyl sputtered. “Really? Me too!” I kept up a monotone voice. “Ah’d be excited if birthday’s meant somethin good to me.” She put a hoof on my shoulder. “What are you talking about?” here it is. Pay attention. “Vinyl, ah’ll tell ya about mah life sometime, if ya wanna hear it. But birthdays never meant shit to me. All they mean is that ah’m one year older. This one was kinda big fer me, but since ah came here, not so much.” Vinyl moved so she was sitting right in front of me, facing me. She looked really concerned, not that I blame her. “Do you... wanna talk about it?” I shrugged. “Fine.” After a long silence, she poked me. “So...” I facehoofed. “Okay. Ah’m finally gonna be old enough to move out on my own in a couple days, but it’s the middle of winter where ah come from, an ah got no place to go. So ah still had to live with muh pa til it get’s warm enough to sleep outside. Now that ah’m here... ah guess it don’t matter.” Vinyl still looked concerned, but not as much. “Ya know, this isn’t where you came from. Here, you’re considered old enough to do what you want two years after you get your cutie mark.” Okay, that’s cool. Vinyl poked me again. “So what about your deal with birthdays?” I looked to make sure the door was closed. I had to get up and close it. “Vinyl, do you really wanna know?” she nodded. I sat back down. “To be honest, ah hate muh birthday. It’s the worst day of the year fer me.” Vinyl looked super shocked. “Why would you hate your birthday?” I removed my glasses and got face to face with her, for effect. “Every birthday ah can remember sucked. Ah never got a birthday present, unless ya count phonebooks to the face as a present, one fer every year. Ah got more chores added to muh day before ah can have fun. And never, not once, did anyone in muh house even say happy birthday. The closest ah got was on muh last one when my dad said hey, yer almost old enough to get out muh haus.” (That’s how I pronounce it) “An muh last one was the worst of the bunch. Ah got woken up with a bucket o ice water, thrown outside, an told ah had to do muh chores, including the new ones, before ah could go back inside an eat breakfast!” I was almost yelling at the end. I get pretty worked up talking about shit like that. Vinyl looked really scared, understandable enough. “Hey, look. That’s not goin to happen anymore. I know you don’t like what your birthday’s used to be, but think about what they can be now. Besides, Pinkie Pie knows. You think she’ll let you have a bad birthday?” OH FUCK. She knows. Oh well, it might be fun. Vinyl put a hoof on my chest and pushed me onto my back. I’m really easy to tip over apparently. “One more thing...” She jumped on top of me and planted her lips on mine. You can probably guess my reaction. Big eyes, tiny irises, full body lock up. POMF! ...and a wingboner. Vinyl was really good. She got my mouth open and started exploring right away. This was actually new to me, as far as Vinyl’s technique was concerned. She was... pushy. Her hind legs held her lower body in the air, and pushed her into me. She wrapped her forelegs around my neck and squeezed really tight, at the same time she pushed her face against mine so hard I thought one of us might get hurt. Basically, she had her body weight and more forcing our lips together. Not that I minded. I had a serious crush on her, remember? What really sucked was that Vinyl pulled away before I got control of my body. She kept laying on me though, and she kept her face really close to mine. I could feel her breath washing over my face. It smelled like watermelon, of all things. I almost expected what happened next. She slowly opened her eyes, and I melted. Seeing them so close did some trippy shit to my body. Everything relaxed. Legs, wings, body, everything. I have a serious thing with eyes. Vinyl nuzzled my neck. “I heard what Spitfire said. Ya think I can get in too?” all I could manage was a quiet groan. She had me. Just like my Applejack, she had me. I have to do anything she says, minus one or two for personal reasons, she knew it too. Vinyl nuzzled my neck again. “I so have you wrapped around my hoof.” I got control of my mouth, kinda. “Vinyl, Ah’m yers. Ya’ll better learn to share or there’s gonna be problems.” She gave me a quick peck. “I thought you’d want more than one girl. You’re lucky I’m bi.” I discovered bodily control and bounced us both a few inches off the ground. Vinyl was already laughing. “Ah didn’t mean it like that! Ah... ah... wait... you’re bi?” Vinyl giggled. “Yeah, why?” I pulled her in and gave her a big kiss. “Stop being so amazing! It hurts!” she nuzzled into my neck again and we hugged each other. I have wings, so I wrapped them around her too. Right then I heard a board creek. Instinct made me flip onto my hooves, gently setting Vinyl down in the process. Applejack and Spitfire were standing there. Twi and Dash behind them. The first thing I noticed was that Applejack was smiling. “Well, ain’t that precious. Mah big soldier buck has a soft spot fer another mare. Geez, Jens. Ah know ya’ll had a heart too big for one mare, but ah never expected ya’ll to fall fer a city girl.” I heard that, but my attention was focused on Spitfire. She had the hood on her suit down, and had on the most seductive face possible. I made the mistake of looking at her eyes. My brain clicked and it was decided. Those five girls are my life. I’d probably get around with some other girls, but Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Vinyl Scratch, and Spitfire had me permanently wired to love only them. Everyone noticed how much I relaxed. Applejack knew why too. She can read me like a book. “Oh, ah see what’s goin on here. Ya’ll really are a big softie Jens. Not that ah mind, jus promise me that ya’ll are gonna keep yer promise to me.” I made a really long speech about how I HAVE to keep promises I make to them. I will spare you the next hour or so. Mainly because it was talking about how my brain is wired towards a certain five girls, and about why moves were being made on me, but I did learn one thing. I NEEDED BEER! There was one topic I paid particular attention to, though. Mating season. Apparently, when they get to be about as old as the cmc (I asked, sweetie is the youngest at 14, and Scootaloo is the oldest at 16, cutie mark = huge growth spurt) , female ponies can get uncontrollably horny and/or pregnant any time of the year, except mating season, which just started a few days before. During this month, give or take a week or so depending on the girl, all mares lose the ability to get pregnant, and get incredibly, uncontrollably horny. Not “huge gang of girls chasing one guy” bad, but they do get pretty needy. Like, every straight guy in Equestria is getting some. Douchebag or not. The most interesting part, though, was centred around how most girls got along without guys, being as there is a three to one ratio in big cities, and seven to one in Ponyville. Some just stayed away from guys altogether, some went lez or bi, and most of the girls who didn’t find a guy just enjoyed their alone time a few times a day. What really got me going, for the most part, was that four of the girls I suddenly couldn’t get out of my mind did all three, over their lifetimes or during one season. I had to pound back a few glasses of water to calm myself down. Eventually I was on the balcony again. The girls kicked me out to discuss something. I sat there thinking about where I could get some liquor. Berry punch maybe? Or was I going to have to make it myself. I actually pondered on that for awhile. I used to make shine with my grandpa before he died. I bet that doesn’t surprise you. And one thing, people say it’s dangerous and tastes like shit, but that’s because they don’t know what the fuck they are doing. The shit we used to make was pretty good. Tasted like jack-Daniels. It’s pretty strong, though. I can drink around twenty Canadian beers in an afternoon and feel pretty good in the morning, but a quarter of a mason jar of my bubba’s shine made into mix would put me on my ass and leave me with a three day hangover, not that I ever cared. Anyway, Spitfire came out this time. “Whatcha thinkin about big guy?” I took a quick look at her before looking back at the dimly-lit streets. “Ah need alcohol.” Remember when I said Equestria couldn’t surprise me anymore? I was so wrong. Spitfire tackled me from behind, laying me flat on my face, and power-hugged the shit outta me. “I figured you drink, but you got some things to do before we let you get tipsy.” WHOOO!!! LIQUOR HE-wait... things to do? I wasn’t completely sure what she meant, but I had some ideas. I won’t go over what happened, but soon enough we were running full-blast to Rainbow Dash’s place.
chapter 6A DIFFERENT KIND OF EVIL MLP:FIM FANFIC CHAPTER 6: CLOP SCENE, FEEL FREE TO SKIP! I will skip the whole trip to Rainbow’s for now and just tell you three things. First, Twi cast the cloud-walking spell on Vinyl. Second, that spell doesn’t wear off. And third, clouds are AWESOME! -- Oh, and about male ponies. They don’t have nuts. Seriously, syoee_b comic of Dash boning Twi. That’s exactly what it looks like, only it can stick straight out if it needs to, and it’s pretty well hidden when you’re not horny. -- Applejack stopped us before we made it to Rainbow’s bedroom. “Rainbow, can ah borrow yer bed fer a bit?” Rainbow looked really confused and a little annoyed. “Why do ya need my bed?” Applejack leaned over and nuzzled my neck, which made me jump a little. “Ya know ah got first ride, Rainbow. Soon as ah get mah turn, ya’ll can have at him.” I was already amped, as you can probably guess, but that set me going. I picked Applejack up and marched into Rainbow’s room. Just so you know, they did give us some privacy for the moment. -- I set Applejack down on the bed, but she jumped off right away. I was going to ask what she was doing until she put her body back on the bed, her hind legs over the side supporting her lower body, and picked her tail up. “Show me how ya do it where ya’ll come from, big guy.” POMF! There went my wings. I wasted no time making my way over to her. I didn’t do what she expected, though. As I got closer I lowered my head to her marehood. I had to see it, I had to smell it, I had to taste it. Everything else was just going to be bonus. -- I moved my face closer to Applejack’s private area. I hesitated for a few seconds, just looking at her. I won’t lie, my eyes were half closed, and I was drooling a bit. My body wasn’t my body. I had no real control over it. I was running on pure instinct. I didn’t care what happened to me, Applejack was going to love this. Just as soon as I can get started. Applejack looked back at me. Her sexy green eyes half-lidded. “Ya’ll like that, don’t ya?” I leaned in and planted my muzzle against her. A little jump. She didn’t expect me to do that. I took a whiff. She smelled so good. I can’t really describe her scent, only that it is my favourite scent ever. I stuck my tongue out and slowly ran it along her slit. Another little jump, followed by a moan. Good, I’m doing something right. I licked her again, another moan. Again. Another moan. She started to lean into me. I reached up and grabbed her by the cutie marks. One side, then the other. I pushed my tongue against her little nub. A gasp, then a louder moan. I liked her reactions. They made me feel good. I rolled Applejack onto her back, and pushed her farther onto Rainbow’s bed. All the way to the headboard. She sat up and leaned half her body against it, one of Rainbow’s pillows behind her. She was breathing a little harder. “Wow. Ya’ll really are quite the guy. Ah hear no boy would even think about putting their face near a girl’s lowers.” I wasn’t able to reply. I was on a mission. Applejack yelped as I put my tongue back on her love nub. Now that I was on the bed too, I could work her even better, not worrying about losing my balance or having to get past those sexy toned legs. Best part about sex as a pony? Most ponies spread their legs when you lay them on their back, giving me full access. I grabbed her by the flanks, and went to town. -- Applejack was constantly making noise now, either moaning or gasping. I lined my tongue up with her sex, and pushed. She screamed and grabbed the back of my head, pushing me into her crotch. The push wasn’t easy. In fact, it took a few tries the first time. But I did get my tongue inside of her. I was hit with a wave of her intoxicating scent. It was amazing. It was so strong I actually went cross-eyed and moaned into her. She took that as her cue to move her hooves to the back of my neck. That made me jump. Applejack rubbed her hooves on my neck while I fucked her with my tongue. I started moaning continuously with her. It was so good. She tasted so good. Again, I can’t describe it. Just that it’s my favourite flavour ever. Applejack started moaning faster, I moved my tongue faster. She forced my head into her crotch, I pushed my tongue in deeper. Soon enough she started thrusting her hips up into my face. Her sweet, tangy juices coated my muzzle, and she hadn’t even climaxed yet. I knew Applejack was loving it. I was loving it. Her scent was driving me crazy. Every breath I took brought a wave of that sweet smell into my nose. Driving me deeper into the pure bliss that was between her legs. I could feel when I hit the right spot. Applejack pushed my head down and bucked her hips up hard. “Ooohh! Right there! Don’t stop! Don’t stop! Please! Ah’m so close!” She didn’t have to tell me. Her body told me. Her scent, her taste, the way her slit squeezed and twitched against my tongue, they told me for her. Her scent, her taste, her slit, her. I doubt Applejack knew, but she was pushing me into a new world of pleasure. Every little twitch, every sound, her taste, her scent, the feel of her legs over my shoulders, the gentle squeeze she was putting on my neck, the rubbing... they were all doing something to me. I liked it. I started moaning louder into Applejack’s crotch. She responded by getting louder and somehow wrapping her hind legs around my neck. Oh fuck, was this good. Applejack squeezed my neck hard and screamed. “AAAAHHHH! OH MAH... AH’M GONNA... AH’M GONNA AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!” I drove my tongue in deep and sealed my mouth against her. If she was gonna... I wanted it. She didn’t disappoint, not by a long shot. -- I never thought of Applejack as a squirter. Well, I hoped, but I never thought she would be. Nor did I think any girl could release that much. She bucked her hips up hard, squeezed my neck really hard, and pushed my head into her so hard my air supply was cut off. I didn’t need air at the moment anyway. Then she came. Hard. Her insane concentrated love juice completely filled my mouth, and more kept coming. I swallowed the first mouthful. She didn’t have quite enough for a second, but her orgasm kept on, so I did the only thing I could think of, I pushed what was in my mouth down inside of her, and kept on licking. She bucked, screamed, and hyperventilated, for what seemed like forever. I kept on going, determined to draw this out for as long as I could. She squirted two more times, just little spurts, but I was impressed she had anything left. I still had no air, not that I gave a shit. -- Applejack relaxed just before I was going to black out. I rolled onto my back and tried to catch my breath. Applejack slid down fully onto her back, doing the same. “Woooow...” I very shakily crawled the two feet up to kiss her. She did even better. As I went to kiss her, she grabbed me in one very strong power hug and rolled me onto my back, her on top of me. “Thank you... so much.” She said nuzzling into me, seriously out of breath. I more of wheezed than laughed. “Ah love you, Applesquirt.” Applejack had the slightest laugh, then grabbed my head and kissed me. We were both out of breath, so it wasn’t a long kiss. Then she wheeze-laughed. “Ya’ll are really cute cross-eyed.” I hugged her. “An’ ya’ll are really cute all the time.” She nuzzled into me and I closed my eyes, just laying there while we both caught our breath. -- “Were you just... were you... eating her out?” I heard Rainbow Dash say seconds later. Applejack jumped and looked back at Rainbow’s bedroom door. My eyes finally focused and I looked too. Rainbow, Vinyl, and Spitfire were standing there, looking incredibly shocked. Both Pegasi seemed very excited, their wings fully extended like that... oh, and Spitfire took her suit off. Applejack rolled off of me and onto the floor, where her hind legs almost gave out. “How long were you three there?” Rainbow replied slowly. “Uhh... well... we heard you say you were close, so we figured you were almost done with him. Heh, guess we were wrong.” She still walked over to the bed and hopped on. “Well, ARE you done, Applejack?” Applejack crawled back on the bed, and straddled my stomach. “You wish Rainbow. But still, since yer here...” She pointed at my face, and Rainbow seriously squeed. “Really!?” Applejack smirked. “It’d be mighty rude of me not to share. Besides, he seems to like it.” I sat up to kiss her, only to be pushed back down. She leaned down and kissed me instead. When she broke the kiss she kept her face close to mine. “Ya’ll are just gonna lay there. Ah wanna see what kind o noises we can get outta you.” Vinyl and Spitfire wandered over, both of them had the same sly smile on. Applejack had it too. So did Rainbow. Honestly, I got a little scared. I found myself imagining some pretty greasy shit. Who knows what get’s these girls off. Applejack put her hooves on my shoulders, straddling me just above my... I’ll just stick with manhood... with one evil smile. “Ah got plans fer you tonight, big guy.” With that, she leaned back and took me in, fully. Closing her eyes and gasping slightly. I locked up... it was too good. I gritted my teeth and clenched my eyes shut, grunting loudly. Applejack slid forward on my stomach until I was almost out, then pushed herself back with her forelegs, taking me in again. She did it again, and again, and again. Each time gasping on the way in, and exhaling on the way out. I was grunting in time with her gasps. Still unable to move. Applejack kept a slow pace of thrusting while I fought to gain control. Vinyl and Spitfire each took a wing. Oh fuck. They massaged my wings for less than a second before my body relaxed and started twitching, making Applejack seem much more energetic in her motions. She started thrusting faster, her gasps becoming shorter and more frequent, eventually falling out of time with her hips. I was in heaven. Applejack was thrusting fast, but gentle. Her hips never losing contact with me, just sliding up my belly, then back down. It was so much better then what I thought it would be if she was just lifting off of me and slamming back down. Remember, I’m 3 times more sensitive to that stuff than a regular pony. Vinyl had my right wing, Spitfire my left. They knew what they were doing, too. Rubbing in all the right places, making me grunt, twitch, and moan with each little rub. Rainbow Dash finally took her position, sitting right between my shoulders. Applejack hugged her from behind and kept her pace, making Rainbow lean forward a little. I took control of my forelegs and grabbed Rainbow by the cutie marks. I wasn’t going to waste time with her. Applejack was nearing her breaking point, along with me. I had to struggle to keep from losing control of myself. There was no way I’d be able to keep going if I slowed down. Sorry, Dashie, next time. -- I drove my tongue into Rainbow’s sex, making her jump and squeal with delight. She seemed to like it fast and to the point. I could work with that. I started working her with my tongue while trying to thrust in time with Applejack. Now that I could move, I was going to get them off. I wished I could have done something for the girls working my wings over. Vinyl and Spitfire helped me with that, by starting to rub their tender areas on my wings. I drove them up so that they would have a decent angle to do their thing. That was all I could do. Applejack had me from the waist down, Rainbow from the shoulders up, Vinyl on the right wing, and Spitfire on the left. I silently thanked whatever forces run Equestria that Pinkie Pie wasn’t there. Only because if she was then somepony would be left out. -- Rainbow smelled and tasted so good. Like a slightly... less potent Applejack. She was so much more energetic, though. She grabbed my mane and held it while she thrusted into my face. Fuck, why was I squeaking? Oh, there goes my vision again. How can Ditzy see cross eyed? -- Rainbow didn’t last nearly as long as Applejack. I felt her much wetter slit start to twitch and squeeze my tongue just as Applejack’s thrusting got to be too much for me. I moved my hooves from Rainbow’s hips to Applejack’s and slowed her down a bit. At least... I tried to. Applejack was there. I was going over the edge. Rainbow was starting to squirt, almost as much as Applejack. Oh, fuck. I lost concentration on Rainbow for just a second. She squealed and squirted straight into my nose, into my eyes, across the rest of my face, and her fluids were running into my mane. Any other fluid and I would have hated it. As it was... best moment of my life. Applejack squealed. “OOOOH! AH’M GONNA... AGAIN... AAAAAHHH! ...OOOHH!!!” I grunted one last time. Barely able to put together words. “A-AH... A-AH’M... G-G-GONNA... FUCK-K... J-Jackie!!!” Needless to say... I came. Holy fuck... did I ever. Applejack was Soooooo tight. That, combined with how slick she was from that first orgasm, her impressive skill at working me over, and Rainbow Dash planted on my face while Vinyl and Spitfire were grinding on my wings... oh, look. My wings are wet. Now I feel really good. I helped make four girls orgasm... All those things combined drove me into the most extreme top out any dude could have. It was a new experience for me. My body locked up, again..., I made the weirdest noise I’ve ever heard, like a muffled scream mixed with a long grunt and a squeak, and every sense but touch dulled. Not bad. Not bad at all. -- It took me a good while to come down off of that, and even longer to be able to move and think. My eyes refused to straighten out. Rainbow moved in beside Spitfire to catch her breath and wait her turn. Applejack just laid on me for what must have been at least half an hour, resting her head on my chest and closing her eyes, not even taking me out. Vinyl laid back on my wing, just like Spitfire and Rainbow. Me? I hugged Applejack like my life depended on it. -- Five minutes later Applejack pulled me out and laid back between Vinyl and me. “Wow. Ah never would’a guessed havin’ a real one in me feels so much better.” Okay, that is... kinda hot. I grabbed Applejack with what I had for strength and kissed her. She kissed back with her remaining strength. That amounted to a really sloppy, drooly mashing of faces. As soon as we broke the kiss I asked. “Did ah do good, Jackie?” She smiled warmly and gave me a hug. “Ya did better than good, Jens. Ya did great.” EEEEEEE!!! I DID GREAT!!! -- Rainbow moved her sexy ass into position on top of me, then kissed me. Fuck, keep it down man, keep it down. “Wanna do somethin’ fun?” She asked while I fought to get my vision to focus. I nodded. “Yeah, just go easy on me, it’s muh first time.” Rainbow kissed me again. “I’ll go easy, big guy.” She grabbed my forehooves from her flanks, then added, “This is the first time I’ve done this with a boy. Why don’t we find out if you can handle more than Applejack.” When she finished talking, my legs were straight out in a ponified spread-eagle. Applejack was tugging on my hind legs. Then Rainbow and Applejack quickly fastened the straps. Oh, fuck. To be honest, I freaked out a little. “Uhh... *GULP* ...Rainbow? W-what are ya doin’?” She responded by stuffing something in my mouth and tying it in place, then licking my left cheek and speaking into my ear in a very... aroused tone. “Don’t struggle, Jens. You’re MY toy now, my little squeak toy, and I’m gonna play with you til I pass out... or you do.” I almost passed out hearing that. Rainbow kept me awake by licking my chest. That felt sooo good. Then she started grinding herself on me. I noticed that Applejack left a wet patch from where my belly button would be all the way to my crotch. Rainbow Dash was extending that all the way up to my neck, gasping softly every once in a while. Fuck, that felt SOOOO GOOD! It only got better when Spitfire started grinding on my wing again. Vinyl snuggled up against me and whispered. “I wanna wait til’ our birthday to do it. Cuz’ I want you to do me on stage, while everypony watches.” Ohhh... everypony watching us... well, if she really wants to... Rainbow started making her ‘getting close’ sounds right after Vinyl said that. She grabbed my head, removed the gag, and forced her crotch into my face. Goodbye, air. Her second orgasm was way more violent than her first. She literally sat crotch first on my face and thrusted as hard as she could trying to get my mouth open. I complied and lapped at her nub a few times. Her face scrunched up as she squealed and put one hoof behind her head and used the other to hold mine in place. Crazy amounts of girl juice must be a pony thing. Rainbow came, and came, and came... until I couldn’t keep up and just let it fill my mouth and flow down my cheeks. Fuck alcohol, I was getting a way better buzz off of this. Three mouthfuls of Rainbow Dash will get you fucked up, not to mention the smell, and the feel of letting the fourth mouthful flow down your face. To put this into perspective, each mouthful for me is about a shot glass full. So four shot glasses of pony love juice came out of Rainbow Dash. Holy fuck is that a lot. Applejack made less than two, but it was so much more concentrated. Seriously, if you could synthesize that... -- Rainbow Dash let me breathe long before I had to. Still... before I caught two breaths she grabbed my head and jammed her tongue in my mouth, making me happier than ever. Fuck... she didn’t last as long as Applejack, and definitely wasn’t as potent between her hind legs, but she’s a WAY better kisser... and better at making me squirm... Rainbow literally started licking my right ear. I literally started squirming and making sounds that nothing should make. Alive or not- AAAAHHHH... Rainbow bit my ear. In such a good way. Like she was biting her lower lip, but my ear was in the way. She tugged... I dam near blew. The best part was when she started sucking on it. Holy fuck... “You’re taking too long, Rainbow Dash. Watch out.” Spitfire announced right before she pulled Rainbow away and sat her crotch on my face. Rainbow didn’t protest, she just found a comfy spot right on the pillow, right above my head, and started rubbing herself with both hooves. Spitfire added. “You look like you’re gonna pass out. You sure you don’t wanna stop?” That was pretty true. You wouldn’t think being on the bottom the entire time would be very hard but... eating out one girl, then fucking her with another plastered on your face while pushing up with wings for two others, then getting tied up, and worked some more... let’s not forget the squirming and shit I can’t control... and running over 2 kms to get here... yeah, I was gonna sleep well after this. Anyway... “Nah... *HUFF* Ah c’n... *HUFF* keep goin’... *HUFF* as long as ya need... *HUFF... HUFF* S-Spitfire...” I got a VERY sceptical look from Spitfire. “ Well, just in case, let’s get down to busin- AAAAHH! Ooohh!...” I licked her. I had to at least taste her first. She is... spicy. Her scent and her taste. Like... I don’t know. Something kind of spicy. It suited her, anyway. She pulled back, bent down, and finally kissed me. Her mouth tasted spicy too. “Sorry, I never had a buck that wanted to lick me down there. I... gotta get used to the idea. Mares, I can handle. You... I’ll need a few drinks the first time.” Wow... was her face ever red. Spitfire had other bucks... Meh. Practice makes perfect. She slid back and took me in. We both gasped, and moaned a second later. She was sooo tight. Seriously, she definitely didn’t have many bucks. She wasn’t as tight as Applejack, but dam close. My guess is she hadn’t had anything in her in a long time. She leaned back and put her forehooves on my belly, then started thrusting up and down. I looked at Rainbow while I panted and squirmed. She came again while I was trying to tongue spitfire. Her hooves were soaked, and the pillow had a wet stain on it. She looked at me and smiled before getting up and grinding on my chest again. “Y-Ya wanna... AAHH! ...l-lick me... OOOHH! ...a-again?... HAAA!” I nodded, and she slid her crotch up to my mouth. Spitfire quietly gasped and squeaked while we fucked. Rainbow squealed and squeezed my head with her thighs every time my tongue moved. I squirmed, squeaked, moaned, gasped when I could, and made every effort I could to thrust while I licked. I noticed Rainbow was cross-eyed. She’s definitely the most sensitive of the bunch... Rainbow came right away. I lapped at her slit while she laid back against Spitfire, who rubbed her wings as fast as she fucked me. Which wasn’t really fast, neither of us could do fast at the moment. Rainbow softly huffed while she came down off of her fourth orgasm. Spitfire knew how to make sex last. She found a rhythm that worked for both of us and kept it for a long time. I matched it, but I could only move an inch or two. Spitfire did most of the work. Hey, I was tied up, tired, and had Rainbow Dash laying on me. Wasn’t a lot of work I could do. Rainbow flipped over so she was lying face to face with me. Her eyes straightened out, so we got a good look into each other’s eyes. I saw fire in her eyes. Fire and... Something I hadn’t seen before. Desire? Horny? I also saw her face was bright red. Mine probably was too. She closed her eyes halfway and lowered her face to mine. Of all the times for a romantic kiss... there’s probably not a better one. Our super romance-y kiss lasted for all of about five seconds before Rainbow wrapped her forelegs around my neck and drove her tongue down my throat. YAY! So, Rainbow was making out with me, very... I think passionately is the word... while Spitfire and I were getting really close to releasing our respective fluids. Rainbow was also grinding on me again. Applejack and Vinyl were watching us and rubbing themselves. -- Squirting and crazy amounts of fluids must be a pony thing. Spitfire came first. All over the place. Squeaking and puffing quietly. Right before I blew she pulled me out. Then she grabbed a chunk of cloud about the size of a basketball and slammed me into it. Rainbow found a reeeallyyyy good spot on my belly to grind on. I came. Straight into that piece of cloud. I was making a lot of noise, but it was mostly muffled by Rainbow’s tongue. She came right after that, her sounds mostly muffled by my tongue. Rainbow removed her tongue from my mouth and pulled away, panting almost as much as I was. “Why don’t we call it a night? You look pretty worn out, and I got a lot to do in the morning.” I wheezed and panted out my reply. “Yeah... call it... *HUFF* ...a night... *HUFF* ...sorry I couldn’t ... *HUFF* ...perform fer ya...” Rainbow went to remove the straps holding me to her bed, but her hind legs gave out when she tried to get up. Vinyl undid them for her. I heard the Velcro (I know, right?) tear apart when she tugged on the ends, finally giving me the chance to grab Rainbow and hug her. She wrapped her forelegs around me and hugged me back... and kissed me again. No tongue, just a nice kissy-kiss. She broke the nice soft kiss and laid her head down on my neck, nuzzling my chin “You were awesome. Nopony ever licked me down there until I came before. I’ve done it, a lot... and I like it. But nopony ever finished the job for me. Everypony says I’m creepy because I do it. Like it’s pee or something.” I tried to reply. I really did. But my body was crashing. Make fun of me if you will, but two pony-gasms is too much for me. Still... not bad for my first time. Rainbow moved a little higher up on her bed and motioned me to move up next to her. I didn’t. I hugged her waist and nuzzled into her belly. She didn’t seem to mind at all. In fact, she started petting me. Yeah, she was petting me. Know what? I loved it. Vinyl decided to use me for a mattress, while Spitfire and Applejack nuzzled in under my wings. And, as nice as that was, Rainbow was the one making me purr-WAIT! Was I seriously purring...? Aw, fuck it. Nappy times for me. Night night... -- Author’s note: Holy fuck did this take a long time, eh? Sorry ‘bout that. Been trying to get some personal shit in gear. I should be able to write chapters a lot quicker now though. and I figured myself out a plan: this is probably going to be the first in a series of related fics, probably ending in a fallout: Equestria fic. Just kinda throwin it together as I go here... But first I’m gonna finish this fic, then polish it out. After grinding, body filler, some fibreglass...
Chapter 4A DIFFERENT KIND OF EVIL MLP:FIM FANFIC Chapter 4: The first time I saw Ditzy Doo (I prefer Ditzy because Derpy well... you’ll see) and Vinyl Scratch, my tied for second two favourite ponies after Applejack, they were sitting at a table together, while at the same time being made fun of by those douchebags that made fun of Rainbow Dash in sonic rainboom. We were walking through what I’m guessing was a resturant district when I noticed them. It was kind of hard to miss, though. Even through welding-goggle dark sunglasses. They were sitting at a table, having a drink, and a few tables over the douchebag trio was yelling insults. Things like “Hey derpy, drop anything lately?” (Hint about my Derpy deal) or “Your music sucks DJ CHOKE-3.” I veered off in that general direction and strapped my vest back on. The three douchebags were facing away from me so I wandered up right behind them and did the deep voice again, this time with accent. “Is ‘ere a problem here?” the tall one spun around. “Why do you care?” I leaned in real close. “Ah asked ya a question. Is. ‘Ere. A. Problem. Here.” They all got up. The short one spoke next. “Maybe there is. What’s it to ya?” I looked at him through my glasses. “Well, ah don’t take very kindly to anyone who makes fun of others.” The shorter ones started to walk around me. The tall one just stood there. “Well that’s none of your business.” I kept good eyes on the other two. “All ah’m askin is that ya’ll stop makin fun of them two girls over there. They don’t look like they done anythin wrong.” The two short ones were on my right and left side. The shortest spoke. “Why don’t you leave before this gets worse.” Ditzy Doo spoke up. She had a... different voice. “Come on, guy’s. Just leave him alone.” The tall one turned to her. “Shut up Derpy. Both of you mind your own freaky-eyed business.” I took off my glasses and set them on the table. “Insult either of them again, ah’ll beat the shit outta ya.” He looked at me and almost jumped back when he saw my eyes. Then he started laughing. “Hey guys, looks like the big hero’s blind.” I rolled my eyes. “Ah’m not blind.” I don’t know when the girls noticed I wasn’t there, but now they were right behind me. At least Applejack was. “Geez, Jens. Ah take mah eyes off ya fer one second and ya get into a fight.” I looked back at her and smiled. “It’s not a fight yet. These here fuck-fucks still got the chance to apologize and leave here conscious.” The tall one got brave. Bad fucking idea. “We’re not apologizing to the goofy-eyed twins.” “Don’t test me.” Vinyl walked over. “This buck’s twice your size there, chubby. Just let it be.” Her and Twilight shared a quick hi before she turned to me and held out a hoof. “Name’s Vinyl Scratch, local DJ, fireworks tech.” She set me up to good. Had to do it... I shook her hoof. “Jens Kristiansen, escaped convict, murderer.” Everypony except us involved left in a screaming panic. Only Applejack, Pinkie, Dash, Twilight, and me were in control of our bodies. (As in, Vinyl, Ditzy, and the three douchebags were shaking in their hooves.) The girls and me all started laughing our asses off. “sorry, ah had t’ do that. Nah, ah’m new in town.” that was good for Vinyl and Ditzy, but the three fags were still scared. Probably because if we did end up scrappin, they might be fighting a killer strapped with weapons. (I thought that might have discouraged them in the first place, but...) Ditzy worked up the courage to come over then. “Umm, hi. I’m Ditzy Doo.” I shook her hoof. The three fags got over their shock right about then. “Hey, why don’t you little fillies let the bucks talk here?” Vinyl gave a dismissive wave of her hoof. “Shut up, hoops.” That was the tall one. He slapped Vinyl on the back of the head, hard enough to knock her glasses off. That was it. “It’s on now boy!” I jumped at him and started punching. One. Two. Three to the gut. Hard. One to the face, not hard, just enough to leave him dazed. The two short ones ran at me at the same time. I stuck a hoof out to catch one by the face and flip him onto his back, then a hard left to the face to knock his sorry ass out. The other one I flipped over my back onto the ground on his and quickly put him in a headlock. “Now, apologize.” He was pulling at my foreleg trying to get out. “I’m not apologizing to those freaky eyed little filly-foolers.” That was kind of surprising. I tightened my grip so he actually had trouble breathing. “We both know that aint true. In fact, ah’d say they have very pretty eyes.” Ditzy and Vinyl blushed hard. “So, apologize, or ah’ll make sure yer last conscious sight today is my hoof.” I loosened my grip a little. “You like them so much? You say it.” I squeezed his throat for a few seconds, then dropped him. His one buddy was starting to get up. “Ya know what the sad part o all this is?” I gestured to Pinkie with a hoof. “She can easily kick muh ass, when ah’m in perfect health...” I pulled the side of my vest open to expose the bandages, which were actually pretty bloody now, not good. “And ah just kicked all three o yer asses after ah just got shot.” Vinyl and Ditzy Doo stared in horror at the bandages. The two conscious douchebags did too. Rainbow Dash wandered over and had a look. “You should really let Twilight fix that.” the two douchebags did their last stupid thing of the day. “Why do you care? Rainbow Crash.” I dropped the short one with a hard right, then the tall one. “Let’s get outta here.” We started walking again, Vinyl and Ditzy following us, asking all kinds of questions. “Where did you learn that!?” “Ah kinda just made it up.” That was so true. I never learned any kind of martial arts, but that was some crazy shit. “Where are you from?” that was unexpected, but it had to have come up eventually. I lied. “Ah don’t really know.” She followed up with more questions as we went on our way, apparently with two more mares than before. -- We didn’t get far before I started to feel dizzy and get a little weak. “Uh, girls. Ah think... ah think ah... got a...problem here.” CRASH!!! Face first into a garbage can. I wasn’t out, but I was down. “Ah think ah’ll jus have a nap here.” Twilight picked me up with her magic... Out of the pile of garbage I was laying in. “Oh, this is bad. We have to hurry.” I won’t go into detail about the whole trip, just that I was acting like I was on acid from the blood loss. -- Twilight blew through her front door, dropped me face up on the couch, and started looking for a book that might help. Didn’t take her more than five seconds to find it. Don’t remember the title, or much else. Just that she ripped off the bandages, closed the wound up, and somehow magically conjured up enough blood to keep me alive and to help me more or less feel better. (Fucking SWEET!) I was awake, but I was feeling a little weak. I wasn’t about to complain. I had six hot girls hovering over me. (Yes, I think Ditzy’s hot, deal with it.) -- Twilight eventually got calmed down enough to remember she wanted to “examine” me. (I still think she was just looking for an excuse to check me out) she made me lay face down on a mat on the floor and spread out my wings. I insisted on recording this. Not that anypony cared. So I started up my mp3 player’s voice recorder. (Yeah I got one. Paid all of 20 bucks for it too.) Right around then Spike wandered in. “Uhh, Twilight? Who is this guy?” “He’s... a friend.” I was gonna get up and say hi, but I was feeling lazy. So I stuck out a hoof in his general direction. “What’s up? Names Jens.” He shook my hoof. “I’m Spike.” Twilight butted in. “Spike, take notes please. You ready Jens?” not really but... “Oh yeah, my body is so ready.” Vinyl giggled. She had the cutest one so far. “Your voice changed.” Right, just met her. “Yeah, my accent is weird like that. Comes and go- H-H-HOLY SHIT!!!” Twilight cast a spell that is basically the Equestrian version of an MRI. My skin turned clear, as did my blood, and all of the internal shit became visible. Couldn’t help but look back and check out what was going on. Sweet. You know your day isn’t so bad when you can watch your heart beat without ripping open your chest. Twilight had control over what she saw to. She could see organs, blood vessels, anything she wanted. Whatever she didn’t want to see was invisible. She got started. “Spike, write this down. Internal organs: normal positioning, appear to be healthy, WAIT! There is no appendix. This is strange.” I almost laughed. “Yeah, I got that taken out a few years ago.” Everypony (and dragon) stared at me. “What? I had an... accident... with a car jump a few years ago, it was... damaged, Doctors took it out to save my life, no big deal.” At the same time they all yelled: “OF COURSE IT’S A BIG DEAL!” I just shook my head. “Whatever, it’s gone. Let’s leave it at that.” that was apparently good enough. “Okay. Spike, keep writing. Skeleton: standard Pegasus structure, but, they’re thicker, and appear to have some kind of coating, they must be much stronger than regular bones, but the subject is still as light as a Pegasus his size should be. I’ve never seen anything like this.” Everypony besides Twilight was either looking at, or hearing something really scary, or really exciting, judging by the expressions on their faces. I was really excited. I was learning about all the “upgrades” whoever it was gave me. I picked back up on twilights observations. “...and appear to be in the normal position. Muscles: very strange. They are... big, overdeveloped. I don’t know if it’s magic, or what. But whatever made the changes to the subject is definitely more advanced than anything I’ve come across.” She started poking me in different places. And it felt good. “The muscles are soft when they aren’t being used, but they seem to be compacted for some reason. Jens, can you flex your stomach and chest muscles?” I did, and I heard more than one pony gasp. Talk about an ego boost. “Oh my... um...” she started poking again. Fuck. “I... uhh...” she stopped poking and started rubbing. Holy sweet fuck, I am so going to hell for letting her do this, not that I could move, much less speak. “So... the subject’s muscles drastically reduce in size when they are not in use, making him appear slightly weaker than he actually is. Not to say he is small. In fact, he is about as tall as Princess Luna, maybe taller.” Her rubbing got a little too close to my wings. POMF! The creepy part is that no one noticed. Except maybe Spike. Then she started rubbing my wings directly. Too good. I closed my eyes, plopped my head down, and started trying not to moan. She kept going, all the way along the underside, then along the leading edge. I started biting my tongue to try and avoid letting out a moan. It took a minute, but she did stop. “Uhh, it appears the subject’s wings are missing critical flight feathers.” I craned my neck to look at her. “What!?” she had an apologetic look. “Sorry, but it looks like you can’t fly, at least not right now.” Well fuck. That sucks. -- After a few minutes of explanation I got the gist of it. Feathers needed to fly are gone, but they will grow back. Twilight continued examining me, now writing her own notes. She didn’t speak until she came across another difference between me and a regular pony. “Oh, this is interesting.” Applejack looked confused. “What is, Twi?” Twilight did something where everything, bones, organs, muscles, etc. turned invisible. All except tiny red glowing lines all over my body. There were barely any on my sides and legs, but there were so many on my back, wings, my entire underside, around where my cutie marks were, and on my... package, that they were pretty much solid red. Twilight pointed at my neck. “There appears to be a huge concentration on the back of his neck too.” Applejack pushed my head down and held it. “What are these? They’re even on his ears and in his mouth. Ah don’t think... oh. Ah get it. Thanks fer showin me these, Twilight. Ah owe you one.” Everypony except Twi, AJ, and me pretty much said in unison: “what are they?” I knew. I wish I didn’t, but I knew. Twilight answered them. “These are his nerves. The more concentrated they are, the more sensitive that area is. But his are not at all like a pony’s. Well, the pattern is the same, but the amount is different. It looks like most of the nerves from the less sensitive areas have been moved to more sensitive areas.” Twilight’s head shot up, her expression just screamed realization. “That’s why you didn’t feel it when you got shot!” I held a hoof out to stop her. “I felt it, but it didn’t hurt that bad.” She put a hoof on the back of my neck, and I locked up. That was new. NOT! “So, you can feel if something touches you, just getting injured in those areas doesn’t hurt as much?” I didn’t answer, because her hoof was on pretty much the second most sensitive part of my body. I think you can guess the one area more sensitive. (Two if you include my wings) Twilight shook her hoof. She might as well have started rubbing again. “Jens?” I grunted. I tried not to, but it was useless. She shook again. “You okay?” I tilted my head back and let out a big groan. Shuddering like a champ. I seriously tried not to, I really did. But you try getting a super sensitive area handled by Twilight and not make noise. The back of my neck is super fucking sensitive. Absolutely no part of the human body would come close. Not one part. Anyway, Twilight drew her hoof back. “OH! I’m so so- wait! You liked that, didn’t you?” it took me a second to recover, but I did. “I didn’t so much like it as was surprised by it. Never knew that my neck was so sensitive. Or that you had a natural talent for handling my body.” She was blushing with a vengeance. “Uhh... thank you?” everypony, including me, was wishing for a distraction, and blushing like a motherfucker. Awkward moment right here. -- Luckily Equestria’s timing is awesome like that. Spike cane running down the stairs. Not sure when he left. “Twilight! The princesses are here!” Not surprising, still shocking. Almost expected both of them to show up. I looked to Twilight after AJ let me get up. “Twilight!? I thought you only wrote to Luna. You did, right?” “Calm down, Jens.” Celestia said as she walked in. She knew my name!? Oh, now it makes sense. I was still scared though. She continued. “It’s good to see you’re adjusting to being a pony, though I do wish you would have waited before getting into two fights and sending three griffins and ponies to urgent care.” I hung my head down. “Sorry, ma’am.” Then Rainbow Dash came to my rescue. “It wasn’t his fault, really. Those griffins were gonna rob us, and-” Celestia cut her off. “I know, Rainbow Dash. I also know what the fight in the middle of town was about. I actually wish to thank you, Jens, for starting your main job early.” I just stared at her, confused. “Huh?” she rolled her eyes. “Not for beating up some bullies, but the griffin robbers. I don’t know if you know this, but Equestria’s... local forces, aren’t exactly top notch. Ponies just aren’t killers. Even the wonderbolts couldn’t take down those griffins, much less anything more serious, and they were the best we had. Until we found you, of course. And gave you some toys.” I was starting to get it. “So... ah’m your... what, spec-ops? Black-ops? Assassin? Give me a hint here.” Another roll of the eyes. “You are needed for a number of things. The most important one is to protect Equestria’s citizens from whatever is threatening their safety. There are many other things that will be asked of you in time. Some will be very simple, and most likely enjoyable. Others will be dangerous, perhaps even life-threatening. I need to know right now. Will you put yourself in harm’s way for Equestria?” I stood at attention and saluted. Mostly for show. “MA’AM YES MA’AM!” she almost looked surprised. “Would you please tell me why you seem so eager?” I figured I was pretty much Equestria’s entire capable military force, so I decided it would be fine to keep the show up. “MA’AM, BECAUSE IT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL PROUD, AND I WOULD BE A BITCH OF AN EXCUSE FOR A MAN IF AH DIDN’T, MA’AM!” she giggled a little bit. “Well, in that case, I need to speak to you, Twilight, and Applejack in private.” I noticed that Vinyl and Ditzy were looking at me funny. Might as well show them. I turned back into a human. They jumped, and pretty much had a seizure. I noticed something too, pony with no clothes on equals human in boxers and shorts. At least I wasn’t naked. Vinyl choked out a few words. “W-w-what a-are you?” I went back to being a pony. Not doing that again without clothes on. “Ah’m just a regular guy, with some small differences.” Luna took that as her cue. She pointed her horn at me and it started glowing. “That reminds us, we forgot to make one change.” I felt what she was doing. “Woah there, Luna. Ah don’t think ah need ya’ll messin around with muh private areas.” Everypony looked at Luna. “Did thou not want to impress mares that might make love to him?” I had to laugh. “Fuck sakes, Luna. Ah know ya’ll might not have wanted to look there, but ah think ah’m good enough. Besides, ah know how to impress a girl in the sack, it’s more than just size.” With that I followed Celestia, Twi, and AJ into Twilight’s bedroom. Everypony else was staring at me, jaws on the floor. And at least two mares in fantasy land. -- As soon as the door to Twilight’s room was shut, Princess Celestia got down to business. “Jens, you won’t understand this, but I think I should tell you regardless. Equestria is in danger. Not from any specific species, but from a group calling themselves the NEW RULE.” I was almost freaking out. She was telling me this, knowing I’m one guy. One guy that is definitely not special forces or anything really. Besides airsoft wars with a bunch of other teenagers, I have never really had actual combat experience. Even as good as I am this is some heavy shit. I mean, sure I’ve been shot at... multiple times... and that has probably been one of the safer things I have been involved in, but still. I turn eighteen in what? One, two... holy shit. Three days. Three days until my birthday. It took me a second to realize I was my train of thought derailed and killed everyone on board. After a good shake of my head I got back on track. “So... Equestria is being threatened by terrorists?” Celestia nodded. “Yes. They want a war. Their people versus Equestria. Normally, I would have the royal guards confront them and imprison them, but as I said, ponies just aren’t killers. These people calling themselves the NEW RULE are, and they have the means to do so. That is the real reason you are here.” My jaw was on the floor at yes. “The means to do so?” she hesitated before telling me. “You aren’t the first human to come to Equestria, and the others had weapons too.” I almost fell over. Equestria could still surprise me after all. “What kind of weapons? And how long have they been here?” Celestia just came right out. “They came here forty years ago. They have guns that would have been around during that time on earth, but they have been building them for about six years now. Any advancements they have made will be unknown to me. They have about two hundred... I guess you would call them insurgents, scattered around camps in different parts of Equestria. Exactly where, I don’t know. But I do know they plan to strike Canterlot in ten to twelve days.” I was borderline on insanity. “HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS!?” she started sounding more positive. “One of their own... defected... about two weeks ago and has been providing us with everything he knows.” “Another human?” she shook her head. “A pony.” I thought ponies just weren’t killers. Whatever. “Okay, okay, what you know about tactics, squad deployments, that kind of shit?” she raised an eyebrow. “Not much. I have tripled the number of royal guards on duty, and put watchers on all the roads near Canterlot.” I shook my head and facehoofed. “Don’t do that.” the eyebrow went higher. “Why?” “They’ll know someone is informing you and will change all of their plans. Then your Intel is worth precisely, dick.” She lowered that eyebrow. Finally. That thing is creepy. I started walking towards her. “Ah gotta ask ya somethin.” I took to staring at the floor right about then. “Look, ah’ll do anythin ah can to help, but ah need to know, why me? Ah mean, ah’m good, but ah turn eighteen in three days, ah aint exactly good with smart people stuff, an we both know ah ain’t very stable in the brain. Why didn’t ya choose someone more... educated?” Celestia giggled. Yeah, giggled. “That’s why.” I must have looked so confused. “Huh?” She put a hoof on my shoulder. “You are exactly what we were looking for. An unusual person. Someone who is very good at what he does, and can be good at other things if he needs to be, and will do what he needs to do. Someone who takes little notice to change, and simply adapts to suit the situation, which you seem to do very quickly. I won’t lie; Luna and I have been... watching you... for quite some time. We had to make sure we were bringing the right human. I don’t think we could have made a better choice. You say you aren’t smart, but you are. In a different way. I have seen some of your creations, and I must say, they are very good considering you built them by yourself in an afternoon, and you really are good at driving them. Nobody on this entire planet would dare to attempt the things you seem to do on a weekly, if not daily, basis.” She paused, like she was wondering what to say next. “I watched when you last went hunting. You move through the forest with such grace, such speed, but you hardly make a noise, and that outfit you wear makes you all but invisible when you aren’t moving. (She’s talking about my ghille suit) You handle your weapon perfectly judging by what I’ve seen, and I’ve seen that you are a good shot, even when you are moving. It’s a beautiful thing to watch. Except for the killing, I enjoy watching you hunt.” I had on one serious blush. I’m pretty sure she was just trying to flatter me into something. It was working, I would have jumped out a window if she told me to. “Thanks, ma’am.” She took her hoof off my shoulder and walked over to Applejack. “Applejack, I know about you two.” The face Applejack made was so freakin cute. Blood red cheeks, giant eyes, all that good stuff. “Well, ah, um, ya see, it’s just, um...” she was silenced by celesta’s hoof on her shoulder. “It’s alright, Applejack. I was hoping you two might find each other.” Both of us had our mouths open. “What?” Celestia giggled again. I hate myself for this, but I think it’s really cute. “You two seem like the perfect couple. Strong, dependable, loyal, and according to Twilight’s letter, very affectionate towards each other.” Applejack didn’t look too happy about that. “Twi, just what did ya’ll write in that letter?” it was Twilight’s turn to be red faced. “Oh, well... I wrote about Jens here, and his eyes, and about how he seemed so settled in almost immediately after getting here, and... I may have written a small paragraph about you two being so... drawn to each other... and how I was concerned you two might be getting... intimate... after just meeting each other, and that he isn’t exactly a real pony.” FINALLY!!! At long last, THAT came up. Applejack did pretty much the same thing she did at the spa, except her words were different. “Ah told ya, Twi. He’s MAH buck. Ah don’ care what ya’ll think about him, cuz AH like him.” I tackle-hugged her. Had to. “You’re so fucking awesome, I love yooouuu.” I really squeezed her at the end. Her and Celestia started laughing. “Well thanks, ya big softie.” I got right serious... kinda. “Only for you... and maybe a couple other girls... we’ll see.” Applejack burst out laughing, Twilight stared at me confused, and Celestia cleared her throat. “About that. You might consider not letting three mares do things to you outside... especially when Luna and I are flying overhead.” I let go of Applejack and stood straight up. More horrified than surprised. Twilight was switching between staring at me, Celestia, and Applejack. “WHAT!? You saw that?” Celestia giggled again. FUCK! “Yes. We were looking for you and when we found you... we decided to give you some time alone.” She gave me an evil smirk, then added. “With Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash.” Twilight took off down the stairs yelling something about something. The three of us that were left started laughing. I had to admit, as embarrassing as that was and will be, that was a good one. “Nice, Princess. Tactical trolling. Gonna add that one to my list of things to try on the battlefield.” We laughed a little longer before deciding to go and see how badly Twilight was overreacting. -- We made our way down the stairs eventually. They weren’t so much stairs as a big ramp. Twilight was taking that news better than I expected. She only was screaming a little bit. “Why would you do that!? You hardly know him!” Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie seemed to be calm as can be. “Well, Applejack trusts him. Shouldn’t that be good enough?” Twilight jabbed a hoof at Pinkie Pie. “But YOU were the ones having sex with him.” Everypony except Twi, Vinyl, and Ditzy exploded in laughter. “No, no, Twi. We were jus makin out. The furthest those two got was muh wings.” Luna spoke up. “The way you were squirming, we could have gotten the wrong idea.” My face turned beet red. “Ah think that had somethin to do with your little modifications. Thanks, by the way.” Luna raised an eyebrow. Not as creepy as her sister. “Why are you thanking us?” I passed a hoof over my body. “Fer this. Ah like bein a pony way better than bein a human. Minus the fact ah don’t have hands.” Everypony looked at me. Vinyl and Ditzy looked at me funny. “What? Somethin wrong with that?” Applejack stuck her face right in front of mine. Her eyes were huge. “Ya mean... ya’ll... don’t like bein human?” I put a hoof on her cheek. “Not when this is the alternative. Besides, ah don’t think a six foot tall hairless monkey has much... sexual appeal to ya.” Applejack leaned forward and kissed me, then pushed until I was on my back again, keeping contact the whole time. Fuck Equestria is awesome. She didn’t stop until Vinyl started talking. “Aww. They look so cute together.” Applejack broke the kiss and jumped up, leaving me stunned. Takes me a second to wrap my head around the fact someone is kissing me. -- After all of the awws and giggles stopped I remembered a bunch of things I wanted to know. “Hey, what’s it look like when I go between human and pony?” Rainbow Dash answered. “It’s awesome! You like... EXPLODE in lightning and then you’re changed.” That is awesome. I found my vest and strapped it on. Celestia asked. “What are you doing?” I looked up at her. “I’m just trying some things. Give me a sec. I turned human, and I was clothed. So, pony with any clothing on equals fully clothed human. Good. I went back to pony and pulled a knife out. This is kind of where I get weirded out. The knife was kind of in my wrist, but I had a good grip on it. Equestrian physics prove useful. I flipped it around my hoof a few times. Worked good, better than I used to be able to. Modifications include hand-eye coordination, or hoof-eye, depending what form I’m using. I did some more shit but I will skip that. Celestia had some more shit to finish. -- Celestia asked us all to sit around while she explained some shit. Ditzy left after remembering she had something to do, but that still left nine of us including Spike. Anyway, Celestia started with the bad news. “Twilight, I have a favour to ask.” She turned to me and Applejack. (Of course we were sitting together, well, she was sitting on my lap, and I was sitting like Lyra hugging her. That got some laughs.) “Now, as much as I would like to let you stay with Applejack. I need you close to town in case I need to contact you. So I have to ask you to stay here, with Twilight.” SHIT. SHIT. FUCK. SHIT!!! That made both me and Applejack sink. Celestia did look apologetic. “I’m sorry, but that’s the way it has to be. You are free to do what you want during the day, as long as we can find you, but you have to be here during the night.” She put on a big idea face. “At least, you have to be in town. Deal?” I pouted like a little kid. “Okay.” Celestia looked to the window. “Speaking of which. It will be sundown in a few hours.” She pulled a bag out from under her wings and tossed it to me. I gave it a quick look. “What’s this?” Luna stood up. “We are asking a lot of you. Did you not think we would pay you?” I thought about it. “Never crossed my mind.” That’s when my day took a bad turn. Celestia stood up. “I almost forgot. I wanted to wait until you were awake before I did this. Applejack, you may want to move.” She did, and went to the other side of the room with the others. I stood up, looking really worried. Celestia added. “Let’s just call this an early birthday present.” Her horn started glowing and she pointed it at me. “Now this may hurt a bit.” I felt her magic pick me off of the ground. Then it started hurting, really bad. As in, worse than when I was still in my room. Way, way worse. I was thrashing around screaming. “AAAHHHH!!! F-FUUUCCK!!! GAHHHH!!!” I managed to look at a foreleg. Electricity was arcing over my skin. I felt that, and a serious burning on my head and around my tail. It didn’t stop either, it kept getting worse. The burning got really fucking bad, and I felt something pulling at my wings so hard I thought it would tear them off. Even screaming was painful, and I couldn’t stop. The best I did was let out a gurgling scream. I heard Applejack screaming too, but she was screaming words. “Please, Princess. You’re hurting him! Just stop! PLEASE!!!” Celestia let up a bit. Enough so I could kind of speak. “w-what the fuck? AAHH!!!” I saw everypony standing behind her. They looked absolutely horrified. Luna walked up beside her sister and her horn started glowing. “We are almost done, just one last push. This will hurt much more, though.” My eyes were wide open, but my irises were the smallest they could get. A ball of blue light formed just in front of me and started moving towards my chest. “N-NO! PLEASE, STOP!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!” as soon as it touched me everything got a lot brighter, and the pain was back. It was way worse though, just as Luna promised. I lost the ability to scream. At least, I lost the ability to hear myself scream. I watched Applejack start to tear up. I felt my chest getting ripped open and something really fucking hot stuck inside. My hearing came back and I managed to scream one more time before I heard the loudest explosion I ever heard, and saw the brightest flash I ever seen, and I’ve been a test subject of police flashbangs for the local SWAT team. The blast sent me through the front door, blowing it apart. I remember flying through the air, my head hitting something hard, and then blackness.
