War Is the B-Word

by Bendy

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Science Fiction, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe
Length: 1376

Fry and Bender unintentionally got themselves conscripted into the army. Can Fry and Bender survive under Zapp Brannigan, who will surely send them on a suicide mission? Then again, the aliens are cute ponies. They can’t be so dangerous.

Fry and Bender unintentionally got themselves conscripted into the army. Can Fry and Bender survive under Zapp Brannigan, who will surely send them on a suicide mission? Then again, the aliens are cute ponies. They can’t be so dangerous.

Published 2022-01-06 17:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-01-06 17:40:01 UTC

Two Idiots

The robot known as Bender had just suffered terrible discrimination, and also Fry, but whatever. Anyway, he and his meatbag friend Fry were not able to buy chewing gum at a 5% military discount since they were not part of the military. In Bender’s own words, he described this as, ‘This is the worst kind of discrimination. The kind against me!’

The moment they were kicked out of the 711, a pretty snowy white robot pony with feathery wings on her back, along with a horn atop her head approached them with a big happy smile on her face. Her mane was a multi-coloured holographic projection. She spoke in a soft angelic voice. “Hey there, Fry. For just 25 cents, I could satisfy your values through friendship and–”

“Beat it, Celest-AI!” shouted Bender, glaring at her angrily. “If anyone is going to be drilling a hole in my meatbag’s head and then uploading him into a virtual paradise, it’s going to be me! Besides, being a pony is gay.”

“But for 50 cents I can give them the human in Equestria offer! He can meet both humans and ponies then.”

“I said beat it!” he said while clenching his right, three-fingered fist.

Celest-AI sighed sadly and walked slowly away with her head down in sadness.

“Who’s she?” Fry asked.

“A suicide booth for pussies. She uploads your mind into some sort of virtual reality after she kills you. This virtual reality is a place where you can live forever in happiness. However, she does make a nice hookerbot if you are into big fat robot pony booty. She does that for just a nickel, without all the brain drilling crap.”

“Eh, I’ll think I’ll pass,” said Fry, waving his hand dismissively. “I had enough big women for a lifetime. My pelvis still hurts after those huge Amazon women raped me.”

Fry and Bender decided to get revenge on that bastard of a Clerk by joining the army. They were queuing up to join the army, within the Earth Army Recruiting Center. The two clearly ignored the warning signs of joining the army. For example, the employee of the month was a man in a coffin with the Earth flag draped over it. The Earth flag was basically the ancient United States flag, just with Earth replacing the stars stripes banner.

It didn't take very long for them to reach the end of the queue. For many of the people in front of them saw the employee of the month, thus they chickened out and left the building in fear for their lives, many of which literally ran out of the building. Even fellow robots like Bender left the building and joined their meatbag friends in chickening out.

“Hello. We're here because we, uh, love our planet!” Bender said in a sarcastic tone to the grizzly old Recruitment Officer in front of him sitting behind a desk. He and Fry chuckled heartily.

Without a word, the man pushed their papers towards them, without any visible reaction to their mockery, and simply said “Sign here on the dotted line, patriots, and I'll give you your discount cards.”

Fry asked. “Just out of curiosity, we could use the cards to buy gum, then immediately quit the army, right?”

“You know, playing you all for chumps?” Bender added.

“Correct. There's no obligation. “Fry and Bender laughed as they signed the paper. Once they signed it, the man took their papers back. ”Unless, of course, war were declared.“

Just then a siren sounded and a red light began flashing above them.

“What's that?” Fry asked.

“War were declared,” he said, giving them a nasty grin.

Meanwhile, deep within the bowels of the Horsehead Nebula on the planet Equus. A certain pink Earth Pony’s tail twitched.

Back on Earth, Kif and Zapp checked off the new recruits as they boarded the Nimbus. Leela, Hermes, and Farnsworth followed Bender and Fry as they carried their bags towards the ship.

The very… very… and I mean… very old man known as Farnsworth gave his uncle some advice. “Now be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat their heart, to gain their courage. Their rich, tasty courage.”

The old man then began to babble incoherently like a zombie, drooling profusely as he licked his lips.

“I don't want you to worry about your jobs while you're away. That's why I'm firing you now,” Hermes said, as he handed them their pink slips before he turned away and started to cry.

Concerned for the safety of her idiotic friends, the sexy cyclops woman known as Leela stepped forward. She had grown to care a lot about Fry. She even considered dating him if he wasn’t such an immature idiot. “I wanna enlist. My friends always die if I'm not there to save them.”

Zapp waved his hand dismissively. “Sorry, but the army's instituted a men-only policy.”

“What?” she said in shock.

“It's shameful, I agree. In the olden days, I proudly fought alongside female troops, butt to, uh, butt. Alas, after a series of deadly blunders caused by distracting low-cut fatigues and lots of harmless butt pinching, the army decided women weren't fit for service. Not when I'm in charge.”

Leela shook her head, she can’t believe she slept with this man before. “You know, Zapp, someone ought to teach you a lesson.”

“If it's a lesson in love, watch out; I suffer from a very sexy learning disability,” he turned to Kif. “What do I call it, Kif?”

Kif sighed deeply "Butt-lexia."

Sometime later. Zapp stood before the troops upon a raised platform onboard the Nimbus. The Earth flag hung behind him. “Men, you're lucky men. Soon you'll all be fighting for your planet. Many of you will be dying for your planet. A few of you will have your pelvises crushed dying for your planet. They will be the luckiest of all.”

The men were visibly shaken from his words.”Now to present the logistics of our mission, the Commander-in-Chief. Please welcome the original Gerber Baby, Earth President Richard M. Nixon.”

Kif placed Nixon's head in a jar on a wooden stool.

“Arrrrooooo! This is the brass ring, fellas. “Kif pressed a button, the lights dimmed and a holographic image of a lush green, earth-like planet appeared above the soldiers.” Planet Equus!”

“Cool effect!“ Fry blurted out.

Zapp spoke up. “It’s a primitive planet still stuck in the stupid ages. They are practically cavemen. We don’t know much about them, but the one thing we do know is that they are filthy elitist snobs that do not like beer. They prefer to drink wine.”

Everyone gasped in shock. Bender was so angry his whole body was shaking, his head glowed bright red from overheating, steam was blowing out of his mouth.

“And for that, we must declare war!” Zapp shouted, raising his fist in the air.

“How dare they insult beer! Those fancy wine-drinking bastards! I’ll kill them all!” Bender shouted, raising his fists in anger.

“Uh, just so we'll know, who's the enemy?” Fry asked, raising his right hand.

“A valid question,” the projection vanished from sight, and the lights turned back on. “They appear to be sexy ponies with large posteriors. You're going to have to get well acquainted with their butts. This is a very romantic mission after all.”

The men, including Kiff, stared at Zapp in shock.

Nixon spoke up. “I'm afraid he's right. We cannot go in there guns blazing! The enemy as far as we know is indestructible. We must use unconventional tactics to defeat the enemy. They have one critical weakness.”

“What’s that?” Fry asked.

“Hands. We must use our hands to defeat the ponies. However, we have to prove we are not a threat so we can get in close.”

“So essentially you are asking us to get busy with ponies?” Bender asked.

“Yes,” he simply said.

Bender shrugged. “Well, at least they got nice butts.”

“Exactly,” said Zapp. “Now get your velour uniforms on. They should be able to impress the ponies and stop them from zapping you with their magic."

"What if they try to zap us?" Fry asked.

"Beats me, you’ll be the one doing the dying.”