Cold OnesView OnlineHow's It Going, Eh?Cold OnesAh, I think we forgot the bacon. Maple, how could you forget such an important thing? Hey, hosehead! We're on the air, do it! Oh, whoops! Silly me, eh? Cooroocoocoocoocoocoocoo! Beauty. In case none of you know, which would make sense since it's our first broadcast, we're on the radio. I'm Maple Canuck, and this is my brother, Loonie. How's it going, eh? So, our producer wants us to do these little things every holiday or something, talking aboot stuff if he likes us today. Sounded pretty neat, so we took it. It was my idea, don't let hosehead over here tell you otherwise! Take off, we're both in this together. Yeah, okay. When I get famous, you'll be looking for me for a job in the big time. Now, we had to think of something to cover now, since it isn't a holiday today. We decided to talk aboot anything we think of. Exactly. So bear with us, and sit down for the show— Listen to you talk, eh? I'm getting sleepy just listening to you go on and on... Why'd you have to interrupt me? There you go, making me look bad. Just hand me a pillow so I can rest. You know, I kind of like this situation. I could be naked for all you know— we could both be naked. You right there listening to us wouldn't have any idea. Hey! You're scaring them away! Due to you, we won't ever get famous. Then what'll happen to that hit single you wanted to write at Christmas time? I guess you're right. I could still be naked for all you folks know, though *snort*. Take off. So, we're ready for anything we think of. We've got a six-pack here and some back bacon on a portable stove if we want. Gotta keep happy, eh? Hey, hoser! You forgot something! What? You're not wearing a tuque! You're clearly not part of the great white north. I am too! Whatever. Even if you aren't a true Caneighdian like me, you can still talk with me. I'll call you my guest, so it sounds like a real neat broadcast. Okay. I'm Loonie Canuck, and I'm an expert on... wait, you never told me the topic! Why would you do that, making me look bad? *snort* That was pretty funny. Anyway, I wanted to talk aboot them Equestrians down south. Oh, well I'm an expert on them for sure! Well, Mr. Expert, can you tell us aboot them? Well, they're all weird and stuff. They don't even play hockey at all. I'm pretty sure they haven't even heard of Braeden Coltby or Boer Orr. That sounds like a nightmare! What else can you tell us? Their police don't have nice jackets like ours! They've got this weird blue colour to them— colour! That's another thing! They talk all weird! Their accent is weird, they say "zee" instead of "zed", they don't have a "u" in some words like colour... You can't hear somepony saying colour differently. Oh, yeah. But I see it in when they write stuff. Wait a second, I think this topic was supposed to be our Caneighda Day topic scheduled if we last that long. Oh, take off. Our listeners wouldn't remember after all that time, even if we do last that long. Are you calling them stupid? That's not very nice. We should talk aboot beer instead. I don't like where this conversation is going, eh? I know what you mean. I just grabbed a cold one, and if you want one too, I'll put one on the table. Thanks. Wait, what kind of beer is this? It doesn't have the Coltson logo on it. Oh, I picked up a different kind, it's called "Cud Light". It's pretty popular in Equestria, so I decided to try it for myself, eh? I suppose so. *sip* Ugh! This tastes awful! Is it made out of real cud or something? Take it back, hoser, or I'll make you drink both bottles! If you folks haven't noticed already, my brother is a huge hosehead. He always takes my back bacon, he forgets his tuque, and he gets mad when I play a little joke on him like this. You see, folks, we like good beer. Goosehead, Coltson, Heelback, you name it. But that stuff that Equestria and beyond calls beer... it shouldn't be imported here. It tastes like back bacon was shoved into a cup of Tim Colton's worst coffee. But we like Tim Colton's and back bacon, hosehead. That is true. Have you been there recently? They have this new system that makes every size bigger. I think everypony there just wanted to stay awake for longer or something. It's pretty cold out there, maybe they want to warm up. You say that like it's a bad thing. Maybe if you had a tuque, you wouldn't mind the cold so much. Tuques are a beauty, eh? Indeed. I bet you stole it from me, that's why I couldn't find it last night. I bought this one this morning, you couldn't have owned it. I'm a time traveller, eh? *snort* Oh, you totally are. You've got the smarts to make a super cool time machine that is super complicated and stuff. I'm a genius, haven't you noticed? If you were a genius, you would've known that I said something sarcastic. If you were a genius, you wouldn't have dropped out of seventh grade. If you were a genius— Hey, hosehead! What? Why would you rudely interrupt me like that again? I don't need a college education to be smarter than you! You don't even have a high school education. Why do you have to be so mean? I'm your brother, and you said we have to stick together earlier in the show. Well you started it. I guess I'll stop it. *snort* I knew that would work. Okay, so that's the end of our show. No more time left to talk about anything. Good day— oh, we already have fan mail. Well how about that? Let's read it, Loonie. Sounds good to me, eh? It's from Twilight Sparkle in Equestria. It says "You guys were rude to Equestria earlier in the show. You shouldn't have said those things about us, they are completely untrue—" Blah, blah, blah. How did she even send that so fast? It's like she has some sort of magic ability to send mail to us. Yeah, but who cares? She's from Equestria. At least we did get some fan mail— hate mail, I guess— which means people listen to us. I guess that's a good thing, because then we'll be famous someday, eh? I guess so. So that's our show— That's my line. Cooroocoocoocoocoocoocoo! That's our show for today, see you on the next holiday! Good day, I'm Loonie Canuck and this is my brother Maple! Take off.
Thanks For Caneighda!View OnlineHow's It Going, Eh?Thanks For Caneighda!Hey, hosehead! Did you remember to get the turkey we wanted? Yeah, but it wasn't very easy. Equestria is full of vegetarians that got all weird-like when I asked for one. It's like they haven't even heard of meat! And that means no back bacon! Loonie, you are aware that you could've just bought it here, right? I did buy it here. But you still didn't have to go there to look for one. Wait, what were you doing over in Equestria, anyway? Wait, we're on the air, you must've accidentally hit the record button! No, uh, that was totally my plan all along. So, for all you folks out there, good day! I'm Maple Canuck and this is my brother, Loonie. How's it going, eh? Do that coo thing, I like it. If you haven't noticed, I'm too busy cutting the turkey. It's not easy in a small recording room, eh? Oh, on that note folks, the radio supervisor liked what he saw in us the last time you heard us. We got lots of fan mail, and that impressed him too. The other important ponies running this station didn't like our style much, but his word is law. So here we are, eh? I seriously think you're overdoing the whole 'eh' thing, eh? Nah, I think we've balanced it oot enough, eh? So the topic today, as you may have noticed, is Thanksgiving. At least, it is up here in the Great White North. Yeah, they thought I was nuts in Equestria when I said it was Thanksgiving. Why wouldn't you have it earlier like us? You get to eat sooner, while you guys are getting all cold in your homes when you do eat! Yeah, but we get cold all year, hosehead. It's not cold! It's just overly hot down south! Okay, whatever you say, eh? We can go along with whatever you feel. The last time you were here, you didn't even have a tuque on! Because you took it from me. We are not getting into this conversation again. It's supposed to be a thankful time, you know? I'm pretty thankful for Caneighda. I mean, where else can you get the best beer and back bacon? Not to mention this delicious turkey. Thanks for bringing it! See? More thanks for Thanksgiving! ...We don't know much else about the holiday than what we've already said, folks. Just turkey and saying thanks is all we know, really. Oh, I can be an expert again on the show and tell you all about it! Take off, you know less than I do. You're right! *snort* So good day! We'll be doing this again come Halloween time, and it's sure to be a scarier— Hold on a second, Maple. Why don't we read some fan mail we got? Oh, yeah! We decided that we'd be answering a piece of fan mail every time we're here doing whatever we're doing. Then hurry up and do it, I want some of that turkey! Alright, calm yourself. We got this piece from Sunny Gaze on Everfree Isle. Where even is that, anyway? How do you expect me to know? Not sure. We must be pretty popular if we're really getting attention from places we haven't even heard of! Some Equestrians don't even know where Caneighda is, it's not a big deal. Alright, now for the letter... never mind. It's not important. So there's our Thanksgiving broadcast, hope— Hey now, we said we'd read every fan mail! It's none of your concern, Loonie— hey! Give that back! "So, I've been wondering if Loonie Canuck was available. I just love the sound of his voice, it makes me squee all over!" Ugh... see, folks; Loonie is an egotistical hosehead. If someone compliments him, he gets all showy. Squee? What does that even mean? Let's continue! "I really don't like that other guy, the one who thinks he's better than Loonie. I wish it was just the Loonie show!" And here it comes. Beat that, you hosehead! My voice is better than yours! Who needs an education now? Take off. You're just jealous of my superior skill! You know what? Cooroocoocoocoocoocoocoo! Wait, what are you doing? Are you ending the show right after my moment of glory? Good day, I'm Maple Canuck and this is my brother, Loonie! I'm warning you! Take off! Have a good Thanksgiving!
Bacon and Scarin'View OnlineHow's It Going, Eh?Bacon and Scarin'Come on, Loonie! We need to go get our candy before all the little kids get them! Hey, you wanna calm down? I'm getting the costume on as fast I can! What are you supposed to be dressed up as? You look kind of orange. Don't you see the jersey? I'm No. 99, Wayne Coltsky for the Antlerton Foalers! That's the most overused costume for Canieghdians out there... besides, how are you supposed to scare people on a scary day if you look like the kind of pony to get an autograph from? I'm a professional, eh? *snicker* Oh yeah, looks we're on air. I think hosehead here pressed the button on accident when he bumped the recording table— Oh yeah, go ahead! Blame it on me like you always do! Take off! Without further ado, I'm Maple Canuck and this is my brother Loonie! Coohoohoohoo! How's it going, eh? Hey, that owl hooting thing was clever. Beauty intro. Wow, a compliment! See, it’s a little scary when he’s being all nice! Getting in the spirit, eh? Don’t you go tellin’ people that I complimented you. They’ll never let me live it down! Now, because my brother is all orange, you'd think he's getting in the Nightmare Night spirit, right? Yeah! Just so you know, this is the Nightmare Night broadcast of our show! I think they're aware, it's Nightmare Night for them too. You never know with the Equestrians, though. I mean, they don't even hand out syrup on these nights! I know, eh? It's completely ridiculous! How can you eat your chocolate and stuff without syrup? See, sometimes you have proper taste like me. Sometimes. Anyway, we figured we may as well talk here while we're getting ready to go trick-or-treating, since hosehead here takes way too long to get ready. I've got a lot of stuff to put on, it's cold in Canieghda! I know it is. I live here. Oh, well then! We’ve got an expert here! ...So, I can't think of anything to do for this, what do you think Maple? We could always do an expert column. I don't have anything planned until our Winter Solstice... event. Keep that quiet, eh? Okay. Now, Mr. Loonie, PhD— No, I'm the asking guy. Be my guest! No, I won't be your guest! I'm the speaker guy! I meant you're allowed to... you know what? Just do it. Okay! We have a PhD in Scariness guy here to talk about Nightmare Night! What's your name? I'm Maple Canuck, just as always. Welcome Mr. Canuck! Pleasure to meet you on this scary day! Now, when did you start getting into the business world? Well, it started with— wait, what? We're supposed to be talking about Nightmare Night! The audience wants it! Okay, fine. Mr. Canuck, do you know how Nightmare Night began? Well, I know something must've happened in Equestria with that one pony that one time. Wow, that was an informative session! Take off, no need for the sarcasm! Sarcasm? I was going to go look up what you said! ...Are you kidding me? You know what, never mind. You're ready, we should start wrapping stuff up. Sounds like a good idea. I have the fan mail for the day with me, maybe we can read it before we go? Sounds good to me. Here’s one from... anonymous. Lovely. "How's it going, eh? I've always wanted to say that, teehee! Anyway, I really like your show! Maybe for Nightmare Night, you can take the microphone with you and broadcast your trick-or-treating! Wouldn't that be fun?" That does sound like fun. I think we should do it! But can our microphone do that? Do what? You know... work when it’s not connected to the booth? We’ll just use our Caneighdian magic! Nopony can see us, and they won’t even know how we’re doing this in the first place! You’re just happy that the audience can’t see your hideous costume! What are you even supposed to be? All I see is some blue costume blanket thingy over you! I’m Nightmare Moon! You know, with the wavy mane and the stuff she’s got on! I just dressed the sheets so that they’d look like her if I put them on. Okay, whatever you say! Jeez... anyway, we should be heading off. After we use our Caneighdian magic, stay tuned for our door-to-door excitement! We’re just going to a few houses, though. It’s pretty cold outside! Baby. *** Here we go, our first house Maple! Don’t get too giddy, eh? ‘Hi there! I’m— wait just a moment, aren’t you two a little old to be trick-or-treating?’ Nopony’s too old to enjoy Nightmare Night! You should get into the spirit and dress up! Oh, and you’re on the radio, too. ‘Excuse me?! You’re broadcasting everything I’m saying?’ Why, yes. As my brother Loonie said— She slammed the door. Yeah, thanks genius. I wasn’t aware that she shut the door straight in my face just as I was talking. Just making sure! Can never be too careful, eh? Ugh... just don’t talk for this one. Let me handle the talking, okay? Fine. ‘My neighbour already warned me about you two. Get off of the street, or I’ll call the police!’ Wow, some ponies really don’t like the spirit of Nightmare Night being shoves in their faces. You said it. We’re not even that old! Like... thirty! That’s fine, right? ‘Last chance!’ Okay, okay, we’re leaving! Come on, Loonie! What a hoser, ruining our fun. We better not go to any more houses today, but maybe we can go next year! Sounds about right. I sure wish ponies had the spirit with them on this day instead of the speed dial for the police department. Yeah, it’s time to sign off for tonight— ‘Hi Loonie! Hi Maple!’ Oh, hi little colt! How’s it going, eh? ‘Well, I just wanted to let you know that you missed the hockey game. I just left my house after it ended to go trick-or-treating!’ Oh, I thought it was a fan for a second. Oh well— WAIT, WE MISSED WHAT?! IT’S TERRIBLE! ‘Yeah, it was the Antlerton Foalers against the Trotonto Maple Leafs.’ AND?! ‘Trotonto beat Antlerton 7-1.’ NOOOOOO! WORST NIGHTMARE NIGHT EVER! THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE! HOW CAN THEY BEAT ANTLERTON?! TAKE OFF, KID! YEAH, YOU’RE A TERRIBLE LITTLE COLT! ‘Heh... I was kidding. The game was postponed to tomorrow, so that ponies like me could go trick-or-treating!’ … ‘Well, see you guys later! Have a good Nightmare Night!’ … ...Loonie, end the show. The horror... that was the scariest thing I’ve ever heard... End the show, Loonie. Cooroo... Ah, just have a good Nightmare Night. We have to go cry ourselves to sleep, now. You said it.
