Pinkie's Pi Problem

by SparklingTwilight

Rating: everyone
Tags: Science Fiction, Comedy, Adventure, Derpy Hooves, Pinkie Pie, Doctor Whooves, Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Colgate
Length: 2610

Minuette travels back in time and space due to a Pinkie Pie-related mathematical anomaly. (Happy Pi Day!)

Minuette dances back in time (and space!) due to a mathematical anomaly derived from Pinkie Pie's non-Euclidmare-ian geomaretry. Dr. Hooves* exploits the situation. Derpy challenges the Doctor. And Lyra Heartstrings finds a friend.

Happy Pi day! And one year since my registration here. :twilightsmile:

Era: Season 3 (the start of).

*Intentionally spelled as Dr. Hooves instead of "Whooves".

Image: The pie part of the image is by Lorc. The link details rights for the image only.

Published 2022-03-13 22:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-03-13 22:10:00 UTC

3.14159265358979323846264338327950...

"Pinkie Pie's Story
.
Has...
A particularly predictable plot(!)
Because:
It involves perfectly precise math(s).
And there isn't much that can be manipulated involving mathematics.
That hasn't...
Already been deeply considered by experts.
Except string theory and such(!)
Which is how...
We get to the point.
About time traveling possibilities of this magical method.
I experimented with following the peculiar pink pony Pinkie.
Because she moved with strange measurable grace.
And I plotted her circular motion on a chart.
Then I had...
A heart-to-heart...
With a sweetheart,
Though Minuette and I don't date at all.
She's just science keen.
And so she's my experimental queen.
Dances well.
Copies concretely and accurately so swell.
She traveled behind Pinkie.
Circled and spun.
Until t'was done.
Into the recent past she quickly did run.
Yes she's gone.
Not dead.
Probably I figure she's fine--maths state--
That she's traveled along a brane and could return...
The same way she came.
..."

Dr. Time Turner Hooves, infamous-enough crank theoretical scientific researcher, concluded his deliberately structured lecture. He paused for a moment. No pony popped into being. Shrugging at the failed experiment, he continued: "Obviously, as illustrated by the cadence of my lecture and these charts I drew while explaining, we all can see that ponies can travel back in time by copying the movements of a one Pinkie Pie, precise quantum-informed movements that tap into an heretofore-unknown and unpondered chaotic possibility dimension!"

"That's hogwash." One of the many ponies in his audience objected. Other ponies, bearing pitchforks and signs declaiming "Free Minuette!" and, from the three teary-eyed flower shop ponies, an enormous azalea stalk holding up a whiteboard pleading (for an unclear reason): "Free Our Foals!"

"Hogwash!" Dr. Hooves snorted. "Far from it! This is reproducible. And how else does one explain the many Minuettes?" He referenced, of course, the increasingly common sightings of multiple copies of Minuette around Ponyville.

"I thought those were just good costumes!" somepony said.

"Spooky!" anotherpony shouted.

"Although her reappearances are brief--they prove she can come back!" Hooves' voice cadenced into a fortissimo. Then he shook his head and his shoulders pulled back. "But not for long."

"Nooooooooo!" A shriek.

"Yes, sadly," Dr. Hooves hung his head. "But!" He perked up and raised a hoof. "We are working on a solution."

"Why isn't Twilight Sparkle here?" somepony asked.

"She's on a Friendship Quest," a pink pony--the pink pony--Pinkie Pie explained ebulliently about the whereabouts of a much more competent pony while she draped a foreleg around Dr. Hooves' right shoulder.

"Maybe we should wait for her," another pony suggested.

"No need." Dr. Hooves shook his head.

"How did it happen?"

"As those who were paying attention to my extremely clear explanation know," Dr. Hooves shamelessly expounded: "Minuette is an amateur dancer. She twisted and twirled in Pinkie's wake after I requested she counterclockwise mimic Pinkie's steps while this intriguingly innately mathematically adept pony went about her business in Ponyville."

"Yup. That's me! A veritable mathemaregician!" Pinkie smiled.

"What's the square root of zero!" A pony demanded.

"Zero! Squares have no roots." No pony could argue with that conclusion. Adding a root to a square would indeed invalidate its geometric integrity. Nods traveled throughout the crowd like ripples of a steady harmonically oscillating standard wave function.

"Ahem," Doctor Hooves interrupted. "As I was saying, Minuette's twisting thrust her into a crack in reality as atoms separated and her matter slid her into the quantum world... sending her back in time."

"Not in space?" somepony asked.

Dr. Hooves shook his head. "As we all know, our planet is stationary: fixed in time and space. It's foolish to assume otherwise. Ptolemare's theories have been proven hundreds of times over."

"How do you know she really slipped into some 'quantum' realm?"

"An excellent question, my Dear," Dr. Hooves nodded toward the astute questioner. "Two Minuettes were reported to be watching the 'iron pony' competition between Applejack and Rainbow Dash. I confirmed that oddity, which supported my theory. Ponies CAN travel in time. But, alas, Minuette cannot control where she travels and she has not been able to vibrate herself accurately enough to restore herself in this timeline with absolute certainty," Doctor Hooves sighed. "Even with my revised calculations stuffed into her hooves..." But rather quickly, he shook off the glumness and grinned a bright smile: "Still! It is merely a matter of time before she will eventually trot back into my life-ha-ha. For now though, since it is obvious that I have not sliced her up, would you care for some pie?"

The crowd, more confused than before but somewhat ameliorated that an explanation had been provided, began to disperse. The Flower Ponies pulled down their signs and not-so-casually sauntered to the strategically prepared buffet. Pinkie Pie, leaving her place of honor, smiled and jumped over to devour pies the Doctor had baked.

Derpy Hooves, a gray pegasus pony leaning close to the podium, cocked her head and breathlessly spoke: "Doctor. That's terrible."

"Actually, this pie's great!" Pinkie stuffed her face, cream creeping all over. "I'd eat up Doctor's pie any day!"

"Yes... well... Excellent to hear--confirming expectations. These specimens were created via the latest in molecular gastronomy practices with sodium alginate and calcium lactate."

"Mmmmmpfff. Lactate." Pinkie slammed another pie into her snout.

Doctor Hooves wiped a bead of sweat off his forehead and did his best to avoid looking at Pinkie.

"I mean, it's terrible about Minuette," Derpy continued.

"It's a bit of a timey wimey weird string cheese theory circumstance, but it's highly unlikely she'll be trapped in a separate dimension. Pinkie Pie's movements reflect the manner of an irrational number, but the results have been rather predictable so far."

"Ok..." Derpy sighed. "If you're sure, Doctor." She fixed him with a very skeptical glance. "But even so, ponies shouldn't be messing with forces we don't understand."

"But..." The Doctor sputtered. "What about science... wonder... progress?"

"Maybe... but you haven't sent yourself back in time." Derpy thrust one of her hooves toward the Doctor's face in a wibbly-wobbling accusation.

No other ponies were listening. They had either dispersed or were busy consuming ersatz pie. The flower shop ponies were chatting about another scandalous rumor that a raggedy-dressed, probably homeless griffon had been, according to a "keen-nosed" olden pony who scented its flatulence, prowling on the edge of Ponyville near Fluttershy's house. Their conversation also critiqued other smells originating from Fluttershy's menagerie of creatures and generally devolved into a discussion of malodorous scents and how they were particularly blessed to receive shipments of sweet-smelling floral arrangements to protect their sensitive schnozes from stink-induced stupor.

"But then, but then--IF!" Doctor Hooves started, working himself up to a proper defense. "If an accident occurred, who would document the theory with its permutations, its circles and perambulations?" he spread his forelegs wide.

Derpy raised an inquisitive forehead crease.

"Heh-heh," Doctor Hooves admitted, hanging his head and not meeting Derpy's gaze. "You may have a point."

Meanwhile...

"When am I?" Minuette, the blue coated and bluish-white-maned pony wondered, wandering along dirt paths leading to an unknown village.

"Hello." A lime green pony she knew trotted up to her.

"Hi Lyra," Minuette said.

"You recognize me?" Lyra recoiled in shock.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Um. No pony ever remembers Lyra Heartstrings now. I'm--I've been cursed by the--well I'm not too sure what I've been cursed by but I've been--completely forgettable and faded into the background--unremembered, an anonymous unwanted anypony Mane Doe of Ponyville for months upon months."

Minuette quirked an eyebrow. Everyone in Ponyville knew eccentric Lyra and her mellifluous lyre mastery.

"Almost three years!" Lyra huffed. "And you're the first pony in all that time who's remembered my name!"

"How long have you been living in Ponyville?"

"The whole three years I've been cursed--"

That didn't make sense. Lyra hadn't lived in Ponyville for that long. Although Minuette was not Lyra's "best" friend, still, she did know certain things about Lyra's history. But first, to address the more general past, Minuette asked: "Has Discord been defeated?"

"...Ponies are still fighting among themselves and--"

"Okay, so Discord with a big "D" rather than the little "d" concept hasn't broken out. But you've been living here at least three years? Not less than one?"

"Yes," Lyra nodded. "I've had two terrible Summer Sun celebrations. A third approaches," she shivered.

"That cannot be," Minuette shook her head. Discord had been defeated at least one year after Lyra moved to Ponyville.

"What?"

Minuette chewed over her thoughts, then demanded more answers: "Are Cadance and Shining Armor married?"

"Twilight's brother? I don't think... I would have heard..."

Minuette shook Lyra's shoulder: "But it's been three years. Am I in the wrong dimension?"

"I don't know about your situation," Lyra said. "But it certainly feels like I've fallen into some sort of cursed dimension. Nopony remembers me. You'll probably forget me a moment after you walk away."

Minuette released Lyra and mumbled to herself; then she shook a hoof at the sky. "Messing with timey wimey magic you don't fully understand--Time Turner, you foal!"

Lyra blinked. "Time Tur--you mean Doctor Hooves?"

Minuette nodded.

"Can he help?"

"Last time there were two of me and he made an adjustment to calculations from his Pinkie observations, then sent me back here," Minuette sighed.

"Can I come with?" Lyra asked, talking over Minuette's reply. "You can vouch for... help me--" Sweaty hooves pawed at Minuette's shoulder.

"I don't know..." Minuette brushed Lyra's hooves to a side. "If I do manage to get back to where I belong, who knows what sort of even worse paradox will be unleashed?" She recalled a conversation: "Sure Doctor Hooves, I'll dance behind Pinkie Pie counterclockwise to apply your circumference theory. Stupid Minuette'll risk her life for a garbagey molecular gastronomic pie payment." Her stomach rumbled.

"You don't understand how I suffer!" Lyra grabbed her by a fetlock. "I'm already a paradox. I can't exist in the fabric of reality here, I think."

Minuette danced back, slipping and shaking Lyra off. "Whatever."

A gray flying pegasus, Derpy Hooves, fluttered nearby. "Wonderful dancing, Minuette," she called.

"Hello Derpy," Minuette waved back.

"And welcome to Ponyville!" Derpy buzzed beside Lyra, nodding and offering a hoof. "Haven't seen you around. I'm Ponyville's mailmare!" Derpy puffed up her chest and fluttered nearly vertical.

"Nice to meet you," Lyra nodded. "I'm Lyra Heartstrings." Lyra offered a hoof, which Derpy enthusiastically pumped.

"Are you just visiting, or do you have an abode established?" Derpy let Lyra's hoof go free. "Even if you're just here for a few days, with an address provided, I can fly your mail right to ya'!"

"It's fine," Lyra smiled and tilted her head away. "Nopony would send me any."

"That's really sad..." Derpy's voice trailed off and her gaze grew distant. Moments later, she blinked and shook her head and looked back over at Minuette. "How's dancing been goin'?"

"Difficult..." Minuette said.

"Wow. Routines make ya' work up a lotta sweat?" Derpy tilted her head. "Ooh," she recoiled and shifted, noticing Lyra. "You've gotta a friend here! Pardon me, I forgot introductions."

"But she just did," Minuette frowned.

"Did what?"

"Introduced herself."

"I'm Lyra Heartstrings," Lyra explained with a strained grin and a rapid-fire cadence. "And it was nice meeting you, Derpy, but we're in the middle of a time-sensitive discussion."

"Oh, sorry." Derpy fluttered higher into the air. "Best be on my way." She patted a flattened mail satchel tossed across her hindquarters. "Gotta restock."

Minuette looked over at Lyra, then she turned her eyes back to Derpy's hindquarters as they receded in the distant sky.

"Minuette," Lyra whispered. "Do you remember me?"

"Of course," Minuette frowned over at Lyra. "What is going on in this Tartarus-cursed place?"

Lyra gestured to a bench she had been sitting on. "Please...understand."

"I don't think I do, but that was weird."

"I...don't have much to offer you, bribe you, whatever," Lyra grinned a disturbingly toothy desperate offer. "But for starters..." Lyra looked at Minuette's grumbling tummy. "Would you like some pie?" Lyra had four tins on the bench, three filled and one with a partially eaten pie. "It's pie day at Sugarcube corner. I hoarded a few since Pinkie and the Cakes keep forgetting me each time I approach for the free giveaway. Still have about three left." She followed Minuette's glance to the partially consumed pie and choked out a desperate attempt at humor. "And maybe there's about point 1415926 or so remaining of this one I've been eating.... Doesn't that tally together like a measure of circumference?"

Minuette narrowed her eyes. "I don't ever want to hear about pie day or eat another pie, ever again. But... I suppose that one way or another... Pie is part of the solution. I don't need that hack, Hooves. He's not the source. Point me towards..." she shuddered. "Pinkie Pie."

Lyra puckered up her face and made a sad frown. "My story here is so sad.... I don't want to be stuck. Please help me live a new one?"

"Whatever," Minuette said. "Come if you can. That was really...weird...what happened with Derpy. I guess my world can endure a pair of musical Lyras."

"A lyric of Lyras?" Lyra offered.

Minuette, groaning, closed her eyes until she felt more composed. Opening eyes, she continued: "If you can match my dance, we'll go counterclockwise to Pinkie's meanderings--that may take us home."

Author's Note

Celebrating one year of being registered on this site--and Pi Day!

Mentioned in the Story:
- Several My Little Pony episodes where the background ponies contain multiple Minuettes.
- And a huge pointer to Background Pony, which inspired the Lyra Heartstrings bit. Originally, the story was going to end before "meanwhile" but the crossover opportunity seemed so amusing:

TBackground Pony

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