Not My Little Diamond

by MagerBlutooth

Rating: everyone
Tags: Main 6, Diamond Tiara, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Original Character, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 200136

What's so special about reality anyway?

Ponies make mistakes. They make mistakes because they have flaws. They have flaws because they're not perfect, and they're not perfect because they're not Diamond Tiara.

Humans are the same way. None of them are Diamond Tiara either. That's probably why they're all so silly and absurd. Most of them are even silly enough to believe that there's something wrong with Diamond Tiara. How crazy is that?

Of course, crazy is as crazy does. The problem is that reality does too. Every time Diamond Tiara finds some attention, she keeps getting shoved aside so someone else can soak it all up. What sort of reality lets something like that happen? Where's the fairness in a world where Diamond Tiara can be overshadowed by someone who's not Diamond Tiara? Do the forces that be just enjoy messing with her? If that's the case, they're lucky she's nice.

Inspired by the time and effort I've seen put into every story I've read on this site. Thank you to everyone for that inspiration.

Published 2012-09-14 10:34:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-06 04:14:17 UTC

Do I Know You?

Chpt. 2 - Do I Know You?

Monday, March 31

Trichotillomania - The compulsive urge to pull out and sometimes even consume one’s own hair.

I always forget that one. I’ve got all the eating and dissociative disorders memorized, but I always mix up the impulse-driven ones. How long have I been studying anyway? Wasn’t there a study that said not to spend more than two hours studying at a time?

I realize my left arm has fallen asleep, so I grab hold of it with my other one so I can check my watch. 5 AM.

Well, I suppose seven hours is close enough. I think it's time for a break.

I extend my leg across the room to the door, pulling the rest of my body over to it and taking special care to step over the door stopper I’ve stubbed my toe on countless times. I open the door to my right and step into the long, empty corridor of my apartment that’s greeted me more times than my own sister.

As usual, the hallway’s a starving void of blackness, so I have to make sure that that one closet door isn’t open in the middle of it by holding my arms out like the Frankenstein monster. Fortunately, it’s not, so I can make it to the bathroom this time without grumbling like a muffled vacuum cleaner. I have class in about an hour and a half, but I still have to brush my teeth before going to bed because I’m fanatical like that.

I fumble for the light switch for a good three seconds before I manage to flip it on. Luckily, my bathroom’s legendary and trademarked "50/50 Light" goes in my favor, and the light bulb’s fluorescent glow lights up the room.

After adjusting my eyes to the light, I stagger over to the sink in a comatose stupor. My current sleep schedule isn’t exactly helping my performance in class, but if I don’t remember everything there is to know about psychology, Dr. Stellar isn’t going to let me pass this semester.

I grab my toothpaste from the medicine cabinet with my hand that’s about as asleep as I am and reach for my toothbrush with the other. However, before I can reach either of them, something catches my eye on the bathroom floor.

I gaze down in some sort of lethargic horror, and the sight in front of me makes my eyes grow ten times their normal size and pop out of my head. Of all my body’s involuntary reactions, that one is by far my least favorite. It makes my vision blurry for a good minute, and the accompanying trumpet-like sound effect isn't exactly easy on the ears.

My eyes slowly shrink back to normal size as I come to terms with the spectacle on the floor, though I’d probably be looking at it with two fireballs right about now if not for my potassium deficiency. The sight not only wakes up my left arm but makes it slap me across the face to confirm I'm not just dreaming. Sadly, I'm still awake, and what I'm looking at is very real. It's a sight that any normal human being would find discomforting, and I am certainly no exception.

My toothbrush has been knocked onto the bathroom floor.

Considering how I’m always so careful with the placement of my toothbrush, I can only imagine that my friendly neighborhood roommate is the one responsible. Ah yes, my roommate. My daily dose of vitamin maniac and the single most mindboggling creature I’ll ever encounter. He replaces the word "human" in "human being" with an exasperated sigh. If I ever wrote a book called "The Life with My Roommate", it would only ever pass as a work of fiction. He has more quirks than a hedge maze, and he makes about as much sense as that statement. Essentially, living with him tends to feel like I’m playing a game with no rules, and I can safely say that game is one that’s somewhat painful and incredibly confusing. Anyway, I’m getting off topic here. My toothbrush is on the floor, and I’m distraught about it.

It's not that I mind filth. Falling into mud, spilling ketchup on my shoes, eating mud and ketchup off my shoes so I don’t have to waste time cleaning them, none of these things bother me.

No, the main problem is that I am not a gambler. One could say I don’t like taking risks, but "not a gambler" sounds less wimpy, so let’s go with that. That being said, using a toothbrush that’s made contact with a bathroom floor is quite possibly the biggest gamble one can take while on a college campus, probably a bit more than becoming a pledge.

I mean, sleepy? I can deal with it. Confused? I’ll figure it out. Sick? Not happening. Not with my work schedule.

I walk over to the trash bin and shove the toothbrush into it with as much anger as I can muster at this hour, so basically I just let it fall out of my hand. And, yes, now I’m sure it’s apparently obvious and obviously apparent why this situation is such a tragedy. I am now faced with an unavoidable dilemma that leaves me with only one possible solution: I have to head out right now and buy a new toothbrush.

Normally, I have a spare toothbrush in case I ever need it, and then I have another one. However, one of my roommate’s many quirks is his infatuation with the color green, and it just so happened, in a short-sighted move on my part, both of my spares happened to be that color. He confused them for his own about a month ago, and once they went into his mouth there was no way I’d find them in mine again. Did I mention he uses two toothbrushes at a time to brush his teeth? As I said, like a game with no rules.

As surprising as it might seem, I actually haven’t had the time to pick up a spare toothbrush since then. It’s just something I planned to handle eventually, and now, it's eventually.

I don’t feel quite up to the task of going all the way down the stairs right now, so I head back to my room and grab my umbrella and my favorite mallet. I don't go anywhere without my favorite mallet. I stick my hand out my bedroom window to see what the weather’s like, and the air feels fairly warm, much to my delight. I open my umbrella and make sure I've got both my wallet and my mallet securely in my hammerspace before jumping out.

I float down the seven stories to the dark streets of the early morning below and land softly on the concrete path next to my apartment building.

Like most people, I much prefer taking an umbrella down to just jumping without one. However, unlike most people, it’s not really the few seconds of pain from crashing into the unforgiving pavement that bother me. Really, I just don’t like being forced to deal with the shrill whistling noise from the falling, the swarm of circling birds over my head from the landing, or my eyes spinning around wildly in an asynchronous fashion from the recovery. It’s all just…too noisy for me.

I put my umbrella away and start walking down the sidewalk. As I head to the local convenience store for my dental apparatus, I decide to pass the time with one of my favorite pastimes: thinking. If my life is toast, then thinking is my jam. It really doesn’t matter what the subject is. I could spend hours thinking about protractors, contractors, subtractors, or even regular tractors. There’s nothing more enjoyable than running a mental marathon and seeing where it takes me. Something about the way the human mind works fascinates me beyond my understanding, and I could spend hours daydreaming about just that by accident. In fact, I have.

However, for the moment, I decide to reflect upon the current background music that’s playing this morning. It’s an enjoyable, serene melody, perfect for the silent, solitary atmosphere of the setting. The piano and saxophone blend together to add an almost jazzy feel to the area, and the volume of the drums doesn't overpower the melody like it often does when it’s still dark.

Normally, between all the talking, beeping, zapping, screeching, kabooming and the rest of life’s everyday noises, I never really get the chance to appreciate the BGM, so it’s nice to take a moment to really enjoy it while I can.

Ten minutes of the calming tune pass by, and I actually get so caught up in it that I almost walk right past my destination. I bring my body to a halt mid-step as I realize where I am, causing the screeching sound of suddenly stopping to resonate down the silent streets.

I stumble in through the store’s entrance, making the little bell ring as the door hits against it. The BGM reduces in volume as I enter, an ominous sign that abruptly reminds me of the impending horrors that are about to occur. I quickly make my way to the back of the store and locate my desired tooth-related item. I grab it off the shelf as my heart rate starts increasing to the point where I have to hold it steady in my chest with my other hand. I take a deep breath and try in vain to calm myself down as I prepare myself to engage in an activity I despise more than any other.

"Will that be all for you, sir?" the clerk asks as I place the single toothbrush on the counter.

Right as her question springs forth, my inhibitions seize control of my body and a false smile enthusiastically jumps onto my face. If I had anything intelligent to say before, it certainly doesn’t show as I mumble a quiet "mmhm" in response.

I've never met this particular clerk before, so her intro theme starts playing at full volume right after she opens her mouth. It's a vibrant, almost chaotic melody befitting someone who loves talking and laughter more than anything.

Give me a break.

All that I can think to do is confirm her question without accidentally triggering a conversation between us, particularly one about my purchase. Of course, she has no one else to talk to at this hour, so she starts one anyway for that exact reason.

"I see you forgot to brush last night. Pull an all-nighter?" she asks with a small chuckle.

Even with the additional irritability from my lack of sleep, I keep smiling and chuckle in a similar manner to how she did, silently wishing the scanner would hurry up and recognize that barcode already.

"It's for a test, isn't it? What's the subject?" she asks as the scanner finally makes the correct beeping sound to indicate it knows she's scanning a toothbrush.

Great, a straightforward question that I have to answer without looking like an antisocial gobstopper. Can’t I just buy a toothbrush without having to go through a private interview?

"Psychology," I reply in a cheerful tone that doesn't at all reflect how tired or anxious I feel.

I’m not even up to this kind of stuff when I’m fully animated. I don’t even know how I can keep it up now. I’m surprised I can still keep my involuntary smile going.

She nods in response to my answer, and her expression appears to indicate that what I just said apparently had some interest value, but not enough to ask a follow-up question. "So, you need a bag for this?" she asks, almost laughing at the notion.

I just shake my head and quietly respond, "No, thanks." I continue hoping that she catches on that I don’t want to actually be here right now or at least that I don’t make good conversation.

"So, you’re interested in that kind of psycho stuff?" she asks as she leans forward on the counter.

Oh no, this is bad. Now she’s holding my toothbrush hostage, and any attempts I make to leave will just come across as rude. Worse yet, she just got into a comfortable position. She’s planning to make this a lengthy discussion!

"I’ll say I am," I reply with a slightly louder chuckle than before. "It’s my major."

I have to take control of this conversation. If her intro theme's any indication, she could talk for as long as I could think about retinal disparity. I'm not standing here for twelve weeks!

"Ooh, a psych major," she says as she shakes my toothbrush in my face. "I actually don’t know too many of those."

Wonderful, now she’s tantalizing me with my own purchase. I have to end this now.

"Well, I guess I better get back home so I can get rested up for that test," I say, trying not to sound too eager to leave despite everything I'm thinking.

If she feels bad for keeping me here, she won't keep talking to me. I can use that to my advantage.

"When is it?" she asks, finally handing over my toothbrush.

"An hour," I reply in a bittersweet tone as I earnestly yank the object out of her hands.

An exclamation mark pops out of her head accompanied by its typical trumpet blast, and she responds with a newfound sense of urgency, "Well, my goodness, man, why are you wasting your time buying a toothbrush? You better get home and get some sleep while you still can!"

"I’ll try," I call out, already at the exit. "Oh, thank you!" I add as I hold up my toothbrush on the way out.

"Go!" she orders, pointing at me in a manner that’s too jovial to be serious.

The BGM picks back up as I head back out into the serenity of the night with my new toothbrush in hand, both relieved and proud that I managed to get through that conversation as quickly as I did. I’m sure if that had kept going, I would have imagined a thought bubble of me repeatedly clubbing myself with my mallet. That would have been embarrassing.

As I walk, I realize that I seem to be getting more exhausted by the second. The air in front of me starts to look opaque like I’m walking through some sort of liquid. I figure that if I’m starting to hallucinate, I need sleep now more than ever. I rub my eyes to clear up my vision as I move through the barely lit streets of the a.m. and back to my apartment complex.

By the time I get back, I have about forty-five minutes to get to sleep, so I quickly pull out my umbrella, float back up to my room, and rush straight back to my bathroom, slamming straight into the closet door that’s now wide open in the middle of the hallway. Much to my annoyance, the impact is strong enough to summon those irritating miniature birds to start flying over my head.

Okay, let me see if I can deduce this one. My roommate, who has been asleep since ten o’clock last night, decided to suddenly wake up sometime between 5:00 and 5:49, come out into the abyss of our hallway, open the closet door for some undisclosed reason, and then return to bed, forgetting to return the closet door to its initial position in the process.

My roommate, ladies and gentlemen. I swear, sometimes it’s like I’m living with a cartoon character. If I have to put up with this kind lunacy for another two years, I’m going to develop some trichotillomania.

…

Well, how about that? I finally memorized that one.

I shoo off the birds hovering above me, but it takes until I get off the ground before their incessant chirping finally stops. Times like these make me really wish I was born with stars for my daze halo like my mom and sister. That’s genetics for you, I guess.

I close the closet door and make my way to the bathroom. I take another spin at the old 50/50 Light, and, naturally, I’m left in the dark to brush my teeth. It’s only when I finish brushing my teeth that I realize I forgot to buy a spare.

You know what? I’ll deal with it later. Right now, I’m tired of everything.

I lurch back into my room, fall onto my bed, almost melting into the covers at this point, and have a nice peaceful rest…for about thirty-eight minutes.

Are You Serious?

Chpt. 3 - Are You Serious?

Saturday, March 22

Ponyville was generally teeming with the quiet serenity of a rural area, and today that description rang especially true. The springtime flowers had just reached full bloom, and the birds, feeling invigorated from their migration, were singing cheerful music in the branches of the trees. The sky had been wiped clean of all nearby clouds, leaving a perfectly uniform blue canvas smiling down from above. Best of all, the wind and sunshine were working together in a glorious harmony that created the sort of temperature that made it impossible for anypony to stay indoors. Several ponies in town were taking the time to pursue more creative feats, spend some time enjoying a few recreational activities, and just lie on the grass and bask in their princess's sunshine. In fact, the day had reached such a perfect level of tranquility that many ponies found themselves aimlessly walking around town with no destination in mind.

Days like these made one realize just how nice it was to live in Ponyville, and nearly everypony in town was taking advantage of how true that statement was. In fact, thanks to the town’s peaceful atmosphere, the local marketplace was having one of its slowest days in the history. Most of the clerks either found other ways to pass the time or just closed up shop altogether. The various businesses and shops throughout the town didn’t seem to be accomplishing much either. Most decided it was simply too amazing of a day to waste it by waiting for customers who would never come. The mayor even gave special permission to all the town's workers, from the piano lifters to the hourglass turners, allowing them to take the day off and enjoy the day's magnificence. It seemed as if that Saturday had created a Ponyville where conflict was only a myth, and not even the ponies missing out on their profits could complain about it. Simply put, it was a beautiful day in Ponyville, one that came as close to perfection as one could imagine.

The situation looked as hopeless as one could imagine. The vile monster inched closer as it stared down its prey with a demonic glare. A viscous green liquid seeped from its mouth, and its glowing purple eyes shone in defiance of the sunrise behind it. After spending the entire night hunting its colorful enemies, the behemoth had lost all its patience with them. Though its opponents possessed enough power to overcome both its illusions and its influence, it was certain it could crush them with raw brute strength. It let out a ferocious roar in an effort to intimidate its opponents into a state of paralysis. Its efforts appeared to be successful, as its prey stood motionless, keeping their heads low to the ground. With a single swipe of its arm, the beast cleared away the final upright tree in the area as it maliciously stared down its opponents. It towered over them by at least seven heads, and its claws were large enough that just one of them could encompass all six of its enemies at once. Though the creature had lost control of its emotions long ago, it felt the faintest twinge of excitement reverberate throughout its being as it got within striking distance. The long hours of tedium were at last about to end with one powerful swipe.

Then, as it raised its massive claw and prepared to drop it onto the puny heads of its adversaries, the beast was suddenly blinded by a luminous flash of white light coming from the six equines. Before it could even resume its aggressive stance, it caught a glimpse of an enormous rainbow emerging from the source of the light. The blast of color was so powerful that the surrounding trees which had been ruthlessly knocked over in the skirmish were set back upright once more. The monster was helpless against such amazing power and could only watch in malicious silence as it felt its body began to cave in on itself. In a matter of seconds, the creature's entire physical presence had vanished into the dense air of the forest. The battle was over.

Exhausted from the relentless scuffle, five of the triumphant ponies proceeded to collapse while one began to bounce up and down in celebration.

The atmosphere was unbelievably bright as the six heroic mares made their return to the city of Canterlot. Though their appearances were far from glamorous, they retained a look of confidence as they walked through the streets, their victorious smiles showing that they had once again saved Equestria from falling into evil claws through the power of their friendship.

The six made their way to Canterlot Tower as several citizens voiced their gratitude and respect towards the six courageous handlers of the Elements of Harmony. They each responded to the praise in their own way, ranging from winking to posing to just plain hiding. After making it through the jubilant masses, they eventually arrived at the tower’s entrance.

The mares entered through the large double doors to find their princess awaiting them at the end of the long corridor as they were informed. She was reading a scroll in front of the open door that normally guarded the Elements of Harmony with two of her ever-diligent royal guards behind her. As soon as she heard the mares enter, the princess looked up from her scroll, gave it to one of her guards, and turned to greet them.

However, she had to delay her heartfelt greeting as she caught sight of her subjects. The six mares looked disheveled and exhausted, dirt and twigs scattered about their hair. Fortunately, they didn’t seem to be injured, though they did look a bit battered. A few scratches here, a couple bruises there, and Twilight in particular had a pretty nasty bump right beside her horn.

Yet, despite their downtrodden appearance, the six seemed to be glowing with energy. Pinkie’s bounce was only half as high as normal, but she wore a smile that could discharge rainstorms. Rainbow’s flight speed had decreased to that of a normal pegasus, but her eyes held a determination that made speed seem overrated. Rarity was obsessively grooming herself as if she was at her peak, Applejack was resisting Rarity’s grooming with the same amount of energy, and Fluttershy was remaining silent to the fullest extent of her abilities. One look at the uplifting display of resilience was all it took for Princess Celestia to know that their mission had been a complete success. The princess said nothing, merely offering a friendly smile as her subjects stopped in front of her to bow. As she raised her head, Twilight made her announcement, the twinkle in her eye drawing more attention than the bump on her head.

"Princess Celestia, I’m pleased to report that Malice’s influence has been wiped clean from Equestria, and all the ponies of Salt Lick City who were under its control have returned to normal."

Princess Celestia didn't waste any time getting to her congratulatory speech. "Well done, my little ponies. Thanks to your courage, dedication, and teamwork, you’ve once again saved Equestria from the evil that wishes to tear it apart. Because of your efforts, the ponies of Equestria shall no longer be threatened by the wicked powers of Malice’s hatred and anger. Equestria is in your debt once again."

The princess bowed her head to the six as a sign of her gratitude. "I shall begin preparations for a grand ceremony to celebrate your actions here today. Rest assured, everypony in Equestria will know of your heroism."

"Woohoo!" Pinkie shouted, excited at the notion of a ceremony, which she inherently translated to mean 'party'.

"That’s what I’m talking about!" Rainbow Dash blurted out as she soared back off the ground, quickly regaining her composure when she remembered who she was speaking to. "I mean, whatever you say, Princess Celestia." The pegasus landed and bowed again in an attempt to save face.

Before the princess could continue, Twilight interjected, "That won’t be necessary, Princess. We’re all pretty tired from this whole ordeal. I think we all just want to go home."

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie looked somewhat disappointed at Twilight’s choice, but they agreed with the "go home" part after an entire night of battling a vicious monster in the Everfree Forest.

The princess laughed softly and replied, "All right, my faithful student. You and your friends have done more than enough. I’ll make sure the next train back to Ponyville arrives straightaway." She motioned to one of her guards who saluted and flew outside to summon the train.

Rarity let out a sigh of relief as she plucked the last twig out of her tail. "Thank goodness this is all over. I can’t tell you how relieving it’ll be to get back to my boutique. I suggest that no one makes any plans to bother me. I’ll be taking a nice, relaxing, bubble bath for the next eight hours."

"Suit yourself, fashion queen," Applejack remarked with a hint of annoyance in her voice. "Some of us still got work to do. I gotta get home and make sure Big Macintosh hasn’t been slacking off."

Fluttershy’s eyes suddenly opened widely as she softly shouted, "Oh no! I just remembered! Angel’s been home alone all this time!" Fluttershy put her hooves onto Rainbow Dash’s shoulders in her panicked state. "What if something horrible happened while I was gone for so long? I just don’t know what I’d do!"

"Easy there, girl." Rainbow replied, placing her friend’s hooves back on the ground. "We’ll be back to Ponyville in no time, and I’m sure your rabbit’ll be just fine when we get there."

"Speaking of ‘just fine’," Pinkie let out, forcing her way into the conversation, "you know what’s gonna be seven hundred and twenty times better than ‘just fine’ when we get back to Ponyville? I’ll give you a hint; it rhymes with ‘smarty’!"

"Pinkie," Twilight said.

"Nope!" Pinkie shouted before Twilight got another word in. "Come on, Twilight, this is an easy one. I thought I was being pretty obvious!"

Twilight opened her mouth to object to Pinkie’s remark, but a sudden thought popped into her head that made her turn back towards the princess. "Oh, Princess, I’m sorry. I almost forgot you’ll want the Elements of Harmony back for safekeeping." She used her magic to pull the six magical artifacts off herself and her friends and levitate them right in front of her princess’s nose.

Princess Celestia’s warm smile slowly faded into a somber frown as she stared at the Elements hovering in front of her. She closed her eyes and turned away from the six, appearing to be in deep thought. "I’m afraid that isn’t possible right now, Twilight."

"Huh?" the six ponies all uttered in shocked unison. The princess’s curious remark caused Twilight to lose her focus and drop the precious artifacts she was holding onto the tiled floor.

Princess Celestia used her own magic to grab the scroll she had been reading from the other guard beside her. "Allow me to explain. While you six were off courageously facing the wicked powers of Malice, this letter was found in the castle garden. I could just describe it to you, but you should probably just read it yourself." She levitated the piece of paper in front of Twilight’s concerned face. Twilight eyes began to move back and forth as she read the note aloud for everypony in the room to hear.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Are you reading this? Good. I’d truly hate for the valuable information contained in this letter to go unread. I can’t do this sort of thing all the time, so I recommend that you soak up every brilliant word I’ve taken the time to write. Allow me to warn you that the contents of this letter may cause you some discomfort. I don’t want to send your royal mind into a state of shock, so I’ll give you time to ready yourself by padding this introduction out a little longer. Why don’t you get a snack while you wait? Food can help calm the nerves, you know. Anyway, when you’re ready, go ahead and continue reading.

"Interesting start," Twilight said.

"I’m ready! Go on!" Pinkie said as she snacked on some popcorn.

I trust that you’re enjoying the comfort of your stately castle while your precious Elements of Harmony handle all the heavy lifting. It’s my understanding that they are now off challenging the infamous Malice who just recently escaped his thousand-year confinement trapped inside his own mind. It was you who sealed him away originally, yes? I wanted to take the time to offer my sincerest congratulations on allowing somepony else to clean up your mess for you. Truly you are the noble and righteous ruler your reputation makes you out to be.

"Wow, this guy sure likes the princess, huh?" Pinkie said. The others gave her appropriately annoyed looks save for Fluttershy and the princess herself. Twilight continued reading.

Don’t misunderstand. I didn’t write this letter to insult you. I just thought it only fair to give you a glimpse of what is to come. You see, though you are the ruler of Equestria, known by all and adored by many, your influence has extended even further than you know. The name ‘Celestia’ has reached lands and beings that even you have not encountered. Needless to say, you have grown popular in ways that you couldn't even imagine. However, I think we both know of the price that comes with such popularity. I’ve already payed mine, Princess. Now it’s your turn. Prepare yourself, for in a fortnight’s time, your beloved Elements of Harmony will be gone. You have been warned.

Sincerely,

Your Friend

"Who sent this letter?" Twilight asked, the tiniest bit of anxiety in her voice.

"I haven’t the faintest idea," the princess said, shaking her head. "It was found by one of my guards and delivered to me personally while I was awaiting your return. Most of it makes as little sense to me as it does to you. However, I think it makes itself quite clear that someone or something is plotting to steal the Elements of Harmony."

Twilight and her friends gasped in unison.

"Now hold your horses, everypony. Let’s not start bucking before harvest season here. How do we know this thing’s for real?" Applejack asked after taking a gander at the letter herself.

"Yeah, how do we know this guy’s not some loony nutcase that's just trying to scare us?" Rainbow Dash said in a rather aggressive tone.

Twilight spoke up in response after reading the letter to herself for the third time. "That may very well be the case, Rainbow Dash, but even if it is, I don't think we can ignore it."

The princess spoke up at this point, "That’s correct, Twilight. Even if this threat is merely a hollow one, we cannot risk the safety of Equestria by shrugging it off as nothing. We simply have no choice but to respond as if the threat is real."

"Would you mind if I kept this letter?" Twilight asked. "Perhaps I can learn something about the author if I studied it a bit more."

Celestia kept her straight expression and calmly replied, "By all means, Twilight. Just please be careful that nopony else reads it. At least for now, we need to make sure that the knowledge of this potential crisis remains between the seven of us and the royal guard. I trust you all understand."

Pinkie spoke up, "I understand, Princess Celestia. I’m great at keeping secrets! Twilight still doesn’t know about the time I–" Pinkie stuffed her own hoof into her mouth, muffling the rest of the words that she continued to speak as Twilight glared at her secret-keeping friend. After apparently finishing her sentence, Pinkie removed the appendage from her mouth and stated, "See? Nopony’s getting anything out of me."

"What incident was Pinkie referring to?" Rarity covertly whispered to Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash snickered and whispered back, "I’ll tell you later."

Twilight shook off Pinkie’s statement and turned her attention back to the princess. "We understand, Princess. I don’t want to even think about what would happen if this got out."

"What in tarnation is a fortnight?" Applejack asked, glancing over the letter in full.

Twilight was quick to respond to that one. "It’s an old archaic term that nopony uses nowadays. It was named after the amount of time it indicates, which is two weeks, or fourteen nights to be more specific."

"Two weeks?" Rainbow shouted, flying right in front of Twilight’s face. "Are you serious? What’s taking this guy so long? If he wants the Elements so badly, why doesn’t he just come and try to take ‘em from us?" She shadowboxed the air next to Fluttershy, who was quick to back away.

"This is simply dreadful," Rarity said as dramatically as she could manage. "We just sort out one crisis, and now we’re given another to deal with almost instantly. Will this madness never end?"

"Um, so what are we going to do about this, Princess?" Fluttershy meekly asked, making all of them turn back towards the white alicorn.

The princess shut her eyes again for a few seconds before reopening them to respond. "We cannot be certain what kind of forces, if any, are threatening to steal our Elements of Harmony. If this letter is to be believed, such forces could very well possess powers beyond anything we’ve ever seen before. Since the letter refers solely to myself by name, I cannot trust that the Elements will be safe in my possession or even behind the security of this tower."

"Princess," Twilight started before the princess stopped her with a raise of her hoof.

"Therefore, in case such a threat does arise to take them from us, I would rather they be kept with the ones capable of utilizing them." Using her magic, the princess lifted the Elements off the ground and made them float in front of the six startled ponies standing before her. "For the next two weeks, I am entrusting the Elements of Harmony to my most trusted subjects. Take them back to Ponyville with you and see that you take great care with them as always."

"I…I don’t know what to say…" Twilight stuttered as she grabbed the decorated crown in front of her with her own magic. She stared at it for the longest time. The sheer amount of trust and responsibility the princess had given her was almost overwhelming her. Her friends looked a bit concerned as they watched their friend stand speechless. Then, a little smile appeared across the purple mare’s face which quickly spread to her friends’ as well. With a newfound confidence in her voice, Twilight proudly declared, "We won’t let you down, Princess! The Elements of Harmony will not be tampered with!"

"Yeah! No way we’re letting some ‘fortnight guy’ just waltz in here and steal our stuff!" Rainbow Dash boasted.

"I hear ya, Rainbow! Whatever this thing is better think twice before trying to steal from us," Applejack zealously assured.

"The very idea," Rarity added, sticking up her nose.

"You can count on me too, Princess. I Pinkie Promise™ that I’ll take extra super specially duper super care of mine," Pinkie cheerfully said as she crossed her heart and hoped to fly, sticking a figurative cupcake in her eye.

"Um, I’ll do the best I can, Princess," Fluttershy mumbled.

"I’m pleased to hear that kind of enthusiasm, girls," Celestia responded as her own smile returned. She brought out the chest normally used to house the Elements and dropped it at their feet. Twilight took the liberty to place the six treasured objects inside and firmly grab hold of the box like it was a book on advanced spellcasting. Just then, a train whistle sounded.

"That sounds like your train," Celestia said, looking toward the door. "You should get going. I wish you all the best of luck."

"Don’t worry, Princess Celestia. We’ll be back in two weeks with the Elements in tow," Twilight said before she and her friends headed outside with the valuable case in their possession.

"Oh, and Twilight?" Celestia called out before her student exited the tower.

"What is it, Princess? Is there something else you needed to tell me?" Twilight asked as she turned back towards her mentor.

"Yes, make sure you all get some well-deserved rest. You all look exhausted," she said with another small chuckle.

"Of course, Princess," Twilight replied, providing a tiny giggle of her own. After that last remark, her student followed her friends out the door, and Princess Celestia was left alone in Canterlot Tower with her one remaining guard.

As soon as the door closed behind Twilight, the Princess firmly ordered her guard, "Return to the castle. I want every guard in Canterlot looking for signs of trouble all over Equestria."

The guard gave a quick salute and moved out to complete his assigned task just as the previous one had done. Without a moment of hesitation, Celestia followed the guard outside and flew into the sky above her fair city, causing several passersby to stop and admire their princess. The six on their way to the train station caught another glimpse of her as she flew by. Focused on the present crisis, however, the princess was unable to greet her subjects, and flew as quickly as she could toward the castle. She landed on the balcony to find her sister Luna waiting for her.

"Sister!" Luna shouted upon Celestia’s arrival, which would probably have surprised her were it not for her experience with matters of utmost importance.

"Is there a problem, Luna?" Celestia asked without a hint of panic in her voice.

"The guards have informed me of a letter that has recently arrived addressed to you." Luna's words struck a chord in Celestia, not that her face indicated it. She had instructed all guards to refrain from telling Luna about the new threat unless it was absolutely necessary. She didn’t want her sister to worry over something that could be a simple prank.

"I'll admit, sister, I did already read it, but I'm afraid I couldn't decipher its meaning."

Celestia felt confused for a moment until Luna grabbed a scroll from a nearby table. Celestia felt a wave of relief as Luna opened it up to show her.

"Oh, is that all?" Celestia asked, taking the letter and looking it over.

As the white alicorn read, her look of mild curiosity quickly turned into one of mild concern. After finishing the letter, she called out to the two guards that were guarding the balcony, "Contact Shooting Star. Make sure he’s prepared for the final stage of his spell on the off chance he needs to be."

Both of the guards’ mouths dropped open at the mention of that name. "Princess Celestia, are you certain that given the current circumstances we should–"

"I gave him my word," the princess calmly replied. "Besides, the way things are looking, this could be more helpful to us now than we realize."

"As you wish, Princess." The guards flew off, leaving Celestia and Luna alone on the balcony.

"Sister, what is going on? Is there something I should know?" Luna asked in a much more sympathetic tone than before.

"Don’t worry, my sister," Celestia replied in the most nurturing voice she could put together as she embraced the blue alicorn. "Everything’s fine."

I'm Serious

Chpt. 4 - I’m Serious

Monday, March 31

Eight hours of sleep, eight glasses of water, one hour of exercise, and about two thousand Calories all in one day. Yep, that was one of the best dreams I’ve had in months.

Don’t get me wrong. I want to be healthy and all that. I drink as much water as my budget will allow me, I’m always fighting the urge to snack late at night, and I’m a recurring member of my university’s tennischess club. Unfortunately, work takes precedence over everything else, and these thirty-eight minutes of sleep are undead proof that work rules over me like a yardstick.

As is the norm, I wake up more exhausted than when I went to sleep. I quickly shut off my alarm clock by haphazardly swinging my arms in its general direction, and I sluggishly throw myself out of my bed. Before getting the day started, I double check my memory banks to make sure I’m not forgetting anything important. Thanks to my drowsiness, this task proves to be a bit more difficult than usual, but one relevant thought manages to sneak through.

Today's my exam day. I need a pencil.

As I realize that’s all I have scheduled for today, I believe I feel some confetti explode out of my brain. Exams are the one time I have to put all my studying time to use, and they're probably the most fun I get to have during the school year. Unfortunately, the rest of my body’s too tired to join in on the celebration. I let a huge yawn out of my mouth and groggily meander out into my kitchen to make myself some breakfast.

Thanks to my extensive culinary training, I manage to create my typical breakfast of cold cereal, hot cereal, medium-temperature cereal, and apple juice. Given how tired I am, I don’t bother pouring a glass of apple juice; I just grab the whole pitcher and impulsively guzzle it down right where I’m standing.

The second that miracle liquid hits my tongue, my eyes light up, my theme music kicks in, and I suddenly feel like I could run six marathons with an elephant strapped to my back like our dean did that one time on Halloween.

I know I complain enough to drown a cactus, but my power food is perfection incarnate. Sure, apples aren't really as interesting as spinach or dog treats, but really I’m just glad to have one that’s not unhealthy or disgusting like maple syrup or cinnamon-flavored gum. Plus, what other food can beat the kind of variety that apples offer? Between the juice, the sauce, the butter, the pies, and the scented hand soaps, I’ve got a pretty easily attainable power food going for me.

My family’s all nuts. My dad’s walnuts, my mom’s pistachios, my sister’s peanuts, and I’m allergic. I guess one could say my power food makes me the oddball of the family, but I’d have to respond by laughing maniacally and saying that’s not even close to the only reason. They say that a person’s power food really says something about his personality, but that’s never been scientifically tested, and frankly I think "they" might just be a few limes short of a coconut if you know what I mean.

After taking a seat at the dining room table, I start checking my watch every five seconds just to make absolutely sure I’m not running late. This exam’s worth a good chunk of my final grade, and nothing’s going to stop me from acing it now that I’m wide awake. As my theme tune reaches its final note, I can feel that initial surge of power start to wear off, so I can finally pick up my spoon without snapping it in half.

Drinking an entire pitcher of apple juice is generally overkill, but given how little energy I’d have without it, the lingering energy boost from it will probably only keep me going long enough to go take my exam and come back.

That’s going to be problematic if I still want my spare toothbrush and my other one.

Just then, right as that thought comes to mind, I hear an all-too familiar noise that makes me realize that I need to leave. Now.

The sound is one that could make a hibernating bear fly south for the winter, and yes, I do mean fly south. An army of 300 could play this sound as they marched across the landscape and have our country under their control in five minutes. Heck, I bet it could even stop an impromptu musical number dead in its tracks. It's the one unique sound that signals the approach of the one who defies sense itself. It’s the cry that summons the man who looks at reality with his eyes closed and laughs.

It’s the dreaded sound of my roommate’s alarm clock.

I know if he sees me in here, I’ll be looking at another direct slap to the top of my head followed by the same one conversation we have every time we have breakfast together. After all this time, it’s become a sort of bland agony to have to put up with him each morning, and I find it much easier to just leave first and avoid him altogether.

Fortunately, my roommate has an even more specific morning routine than I do. After he turns off his alarm, he always jumps out of bed, shouts "carpe diem", skims through his dictionary, does twenty-five push-ups while stating a random trivia fact after each one, and then comes out to eat his own breakfast. His routine usually gives me about one or two minutes to leave before he makes his grand appearance.

"Carpe diem!" I hear from the room behind me, making my pupils shrink to microscopic size.

I still haven’t really touched my breakfast, so I just leave it on the table and grab four pencils out of our pencil mug for my exam. I hastily check my hammerspace again for my wallet and mallet and quietly make my way to my room so I can sneak out through my window.

Then, just as I pass my roommate’s door, I quickly have to muffle the sound of the exclamation mark that pops out of my head as I see his sinister doorknob begin to turn.

Sixteen months of perfectly undisturbed morning routine. It was all just a ploy to catch me off guard on this one random nonspecific day. Well played, sir.

I’m forced to zoom back into the kitchen to avoid being seen before he opens the door. Only my roommate can scare me enough to zoom. Only him.

Oddly enough, I don’t spend any time thinking about what to do next. I just zoom out through the front door to my apartment. I leave an impression of my body right through the middle of it, but I’m much too preoccupied to be embarrassed about that right now. I start to worry that my roommate might have heard the crash, but relief washes over me after a few seconds of complete silence. I continue to make my way away from my presently see-through apartment door and finally drink in the pleasure of successfully escaping my roommate’s clutches as I enter the building’s stairwell.

Crisis averted.

Now that I’ve dodged that cannonball, it's time to walk down stairs. As I head down, I take the opportunity to double check that I have my pencil and my three backup pencils in case something happens to the others. As I confirm that I did indeed grab what I need for my exam, I curiously observe that something about my right hand isn’t right.

Well, here’s a fresh, new box of socks to find on my doorstep. It’s kind of weird to say, but something’s wrong with my hand, and yet nothing really is. I mean, I’ve still got all four fingers, and my glove is still as white and puffy as ever. It’s got that same rubbery texture, blowing on my thumb makes it inflate, and it makes the same punching sound effect no matter what I slap with it. In almost every way, it's a typical human hand.

However, while nothing about it really gives any indication that something is wrong, I notice that it looks a bit…shinier than usual. Though not quite shiny enough to glow in the dark, my palm, fingers, and opisthenar all seem to radiate this barely noticeable glow that resembles no medical condition I’ve ever seen or heard about before. In addition, I suddenly take note that the BGM of this stairwell sounds strangely ethereal and full of harpsichord this morning. It’s as if something very weird is going on.

Realizing the situation, I quickly check my other hand to see if it shares my right hand’s symptoms. Sure enough, the shine coming from my left hand appears to have the same amount of radiance as my right, both intriguing me at the prospect of a "glowing hand syndrome" and worrying me that I’ll be forced to miss my test to go take a different kind of exam. While continuing to walk down the stairs, I turn to my beloved hobby to try and sprinkle some logic onto this triple scoop of butterscotch madness.

Let me think. For one, there’s the possibility that I’ve been exposed to nuclear radiation; although, the fact that that would make my hands a much brighter greenish color raises some doubt to that theory. There’s also the more likely possibility that this is a prank executed by my roommate even though he has never actually pulled any pranks in the two years I’ve lived with him, at least not ones I’ve noticed, anyway. There’s also the chance of alien intervention, spectral possession, or interdimensional beings trying to communicate through m—no. Never mind. What else could it be?

Soon enough, I reach the bottom of the stairs without any real ideas that accurately explain my abnormal condition. I check a few other parts of my body to make sure that my hands are, in fact, the only thing that’s been affected. I can’t check my face at the moment, but I feel reasonably confident that my hands are all that’s changed after finding nothing else of note. At this point, I’m just hoping that this isn’t some kind of multiple-stage transformation sequence I’ll have to deal with in incrementally humiliating phases.

Actually, scratch that. That would be amazing.

I begin to make the long march over to the building where my exam is taking place. My psychology class is my earliest and the furthest one from my apartment building, but I’m willing to put up with it since it’s my bread and butter. Come to think of it, it's my whole meal.

The sun’s starting to come up now, and I can see its eyes peek over the horizon before it pops up to its usual spot in the sky. As always, I’m the only one walking around campus this early, so it gives me a little wink right after popping into position. It’s not polite to ignore the sun, so I give it my usual friendly little wave while trying not to make eye contact. Naturally, the sun’s light starts to wake up everything else despite my desire for just one nice, quiet walk to class. Following the sun’s wake up call, the BGM switches over to something bubblier, and lo and behold doth the noise cometh.

Much like I do, nature adores the BGM. However, unlike me, they spend most of their lives just listening to it and ritualistically bobbing back and forth in its presence, though with all the racket they make in the process, I’m surprised they can even hear it. Today appears to be no different than any other. All the trees are making that "whooping" noise, the butterflies have some weird "bidi bidi" sound going on, and I can’t even properly come up with a word to accurately describe all the clamor coming out of the grass over by the old theatre building.

I’ve tried reasoning with them about it before, but it’s a lost cause. It’s like they’ve got nothing better to do but to stand around and create a bunch of sound effects all day. The most curious aspect of it all though is how unceasingly happy they seem to be about it. No matter where I go, I can always find a tap-dancing frog, a whistling river, or some other part of nature doing absolutely nothing of consequence with either a huge smile across its face or just a pleasant demeanor if it lacks a face. I can’t even fathom how they all can be that consistently happy all the time while accomplishing so little. I swear, if I were a giant boulder or something and didn’t have three hours of homework every night in each subject, I’d be looking for a more meaningful way to spend all that free time.

Regardless, I’ve long since learned how to tune out all the noise while I think, so I don’t let them bother me as I continue on my way. Only about an hour has passed since I walked over to the convenience store, but I notice the weather is surprisingly much colder than before. It's especially weird since winter's been over for ten days now. I consider asking the sun what the deal is, but it seems busy at the moment, and I’d rather not draw its attention.

I can deal with quite a few of life’s difficulties, but cold weather is not one of them. I was born with orange hair and brown eyes. I was made for the warmer climate. For that reason, I can usually be found outside throughout most of the summer and spring, work schedule and all. Plus, let’s be honest here, hot weather never gave me any kind of cold or flu, it never made icicles start to grow out of my nose, and most importantly, it never felt the need to chat me up.

Seriously, the colder winds may take more initiative than most other forces of nature with their worker’s union and parliamentary system of government, but they’re the only ones I know that just don’t know how to stop talking, and they always manage to find some poor, hapless loner to…

Oh, no.

Feeling a bit nervous, I speed up my pace a bit. I decide to divert my attention from the drop in temperature to inspect my glowing hands of mystery again and scour my brain again for any reasonable explanation for their current state.

How did this happen? I’m fairly certain my hands weren’t like this while I was studying. This must have happened sometime when I was out buying my toothbrush. Actually, I suppose this could have happened while I was sleeping or eating breakfast, but I'd sooner believe mailboxes could sing than something like this would happen inside my apartment. I don’t think this is the effect of any kind of liquid I’ve ever seen, and it’s not like something like that would cause—gum.

I just stepped in gum. As if I need this of all things to happen at a time like this. This is just fantastic. Now my foot’s glued to the sidewalk next to a bunch of dancing tulips in the middle of a freak springtime cold spell. Also, it’s kind of weird, but the BGM is still playing a surprisingly upbeat melody as if to taunt me. Personal events are supposed to take musical preference over environmental monotony.

The way things are going now I’m probably not even going to make it to my exam on time. What else could go wrong?

As the forbidden question crosses my mind, it’s almost immediately answered by a familiar raspy voice that makes me shiver in every sense of the word. Seriously, the BGM couldn’t be more inappropriate right now.

"How’s it going, kid? You got a second?"

I have no seconds. No seconds at all.

"Okay," I casually reply, foolishly encouraging the wind to start a conversation with me.

Even for one of nature’s lackeys, my involuntary smile automatically turns itself on, and my mind turns into a word search puzzle as I try to drum up a response. Naturally, all the words are hidden backwards and diagonally.

The air around me says, "Great, I got called in for an early morning breeze session, and I need someone to talk to."

This is more than a breeze. This is the tundra.

The wind’s presence makes the temperature drop even further as it goes on, "You know, I don’t see too many of you humans out walking around this place. What’s your deal?"

"I just…like to walk," I quietly say, just trying to parry the question.

"Like to walk, huh? That’s a new one. So why aren’t you walking right now?" the wind asks with almost genuine interest in its voice.

And so it begins…

"I…sep in mub," I say, tilting my head down in shame as the BGM finally changes to something more fitting in the form of a trombone.

"What was that?" the wind asks, sending its cold breath directly into my left ear.

"I ste mm um," I repeat about as loudly as before, though I probably sound even less coherent.

"You’re gonna have to speak up, kid. I don’t have any ears, you know."

Maybe not, but you’re about to make mine fall off, you sweaterknitter.

"I stepped in gum," I say, finally speaking at a normal volume as I tilt my head back up.

The wind starts laughing at me. Let me say that again. The wind starts laughing at me.

It's not exactly a first for me, but it’s not like going through it more than once makes it any easier. Its shrill laughter makes the frigid cold start biting into me like I’m its primary food source. I honestly can’t tell which is more irritating, the piercing cold or that obnoxious laugh. It sounds like some kind of sound effect I could only hear out of the murkiest swamps the planet has to offer.

Why did it have to be the North wind? At least the other ones know how to laugh properly.

The wind finally calms down from all its laughter and teases, "Are you trying to tell me you’re stuck? You know there’s an easy way out of that, right?"

"…I know," I uneasily say.

I can’t believe the wind of all things is telling me this.

"Well, then what are you just standing there like a windmill for? I mean, you can do it, right?" it condescendingly asks.

"Of course I can. I’m human," I assure, almost coming up with all the right words.

"Then why haven’t you yet?" it asks as mockingly as before. "Do you just not want me to be lonely? That’s so precious."

It follows its remark with another round of torturous laughter, making me shiver and face the ground again.

I really didn’t want it to come to this, but there’s only so much coldness I can take from one collection of air. Besides, it’ll take much too long to get this gum off my shoe the old-fashioned way and still get to my exam on time. It would seem I have no choice.

Oh well, so much for my New Year’s resolution....

Never before in my life have I been so happy to be no longer talking to someone other than my roommate. Now that I’ve escaped from the grating mockery of nature’s worst, I’m ready for whatever this exam has to fire at me. I wasn’t expecting it, but I’ve managed to arrive at my exam building ten minutes earlier than I originally planned.

Since I’ve got the extra free time, I decide to take a short detour to the building’s restroom to find out if my face is actually as shiny as my hands. I figure it’s better to be safe than sorry when facing this kind of uncertainty. As I look into the mirror on the bathroom wall, I’m partly relieved and partly disappointed to see my face is as listless as ever. My eyes reveal how little sleep I had gotten last night even with my temporary boost in energy; my nose still has that pimple to the direct right of it that’s really starting to irritate me; my ears seem a bit shinier, but only because they’re still red from all the wind’s laughing; and even my tongue and teeth have nothing discernible to note. In fact, my hands appear to outshine my teeth right now.

I’ll deal with that later today.

After a few minutes of debating with myself, I decide that I’ll just get my hands examined after I ace the exam. Then I’ll stop by the store again and pick up a spare toothbrush before going back to my apartment for some sleep, maybe two if I have the time.

Store, doctor, sleep. That’s my plan.

I make my way to room 413 and take a seat in the front row. I reach a shiny hand into my hammerspace to pull out my notes, and start putting the energy from that apple juice to good use by going over everything that I could possibly need to know for this exam.

I have to say, bizarre skin anomaly notwithstanding, I’m feeling pretty optimistic about today. The BGM's in D minor, I don't have a fever, and when that exam starts in an hour I'll be looking at the most fun I've had in months. What could be more perfect?

That's Just Not Right

Chpt. 5 - That’s Just Not Right

Saturday, March 22

"Miss Cheerilee, let me just start out by saying that I in no way condone my daughter’s behavior from yesterday, and let me assure you that she will be seeing a whole new world of punishment for it." The brown stallion straightened his tie as he checked the clock on the wall.

"Well, I certainly appreciate your cooperation at a time like this, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves," Cheerilee replied, trying to lighten the mood. "I think that we can sort this mess out without having to do anything drastic."

"Now Miss Cheerilee, I understand your position concerning the well-being of your students, but from my experiences these kinds of situations take a little more than love and tolerance to handle," the rich stallion responded, raising his hoof for emphasis.

"Eyup," uttered the other stallion who had remained practically silent up to this point.

Cheerilee didn’t like the way this meeting was progressing. She had wanted to call these two in so they could all come up with a solution regarding yesterday’s little mishap without having to resort to more punishment. However, the way the discussion was going, that possibility was starting to seem less and less likely.

"Mr. Filthy," Cheerilee began, receiving a glare from the brown stallion in response, "I mean, Mr. Rich, what exactly did you have in mind?"

"Well, Miss Cheerilee, I’ve worked in the business world for many years now, and I’ve dealt with enough misbehaving employees to know how to handle them when they start causing trouble. It’s all about making sure they know who’s in charge and that they can be fired faster than a Wonderbolt riding a bolt of lightning."

"I can’t fire my students, Mr. Rich," Cheerilee pointed out flatly.

Filthy Rich laughed. "Well, no, I’d say you can’t, but you are the one in charge here, right?"

Cheerilee nodded, wondering if she heard a bit of arrogance in the stallion’s question.

"When one of these foals misbehaves, be it my daughter or anypony, I’d feel better knowing their teacher makes sure they know what they did wrong and why they shouldn’t do it again."

Now feeling that the stallion was insulting her ability to discipline, Cheerilee retorted, "I always put the lessons my students learn first, Mr. Rich, and I’d like to point out that I made sure both fillies apologized for their actions. Not only that, but I personally believe your daughter received a very fair punishment for her behavior already."

"Well, that’s all peaches and rainbows, Miss Cheerilee, but I’d just like to point out that an apology doesn’t mean a lick of salt when somepony tells you to give it."

"Eyup," Big Mac chimed in, clearly listening closely to the discussion despite his silence.

"And as for that punishment you assigned, that’s something I wanted to talk to you about." Filthy stuck his mouth into the bag on the floor that he had brought with him.

Cheerilee curiously watched Filthy Rich as he pulled out a couple of papers from the bag. He threw it down onto Cheerilee’s desk almost angrily before going on.

"You had my daughter write a 500-word essay on ‘why violence is never the answer’ as I understand it. Correct?"

"Why yes, I thought it would give Diamond Tiara the opportunity to think about what she did and come to better understand how to handle a situation like yesterday’s with more maturity. Is this it?" Cheerilee asked, grabbing the papers that lay in front of her to look them over.

"Well, it certainly is an essay about violence not answering anything, and it's 500 words exactly, but I can promise you my daughter sure didn’t write it."

"What?" Cheerilee gasped, dropping the papers she was holding back onto her desk.

"Apparently, my daughter got it in her head to let her little friend write the essay for her and try to pass it off as her own." Mr. Rich slammed his hoof on the teacher’s desk as he finished his sentence.

Cheerilee was taken aback at first by Mr. Rich’s words. That kind of behavior didn’t sound like Diamond Tiara at all. "H-how did you find out about this?" she asked hesitantly.

"Well, I had just come home that Friday from making the most amazing sale I’ve made in quite some time. I sold an entire shipment of sapphires that I bought for only a fourth of what I sold it for. I didn’t think I’d even manage to sell all of it, much less to one mare for such a good price, but clearly the investment I made was well worth it. I’m pretty sure that my quarterly revenue now is–"

"Ahem, Mr. Rich? The paper?" Cheerilee interrupted, halting the businesspony’s financial ramblings.

"Right, right, the essay. Anyway, after making that sale, I thought I’d surprise my daughter by coming home early to take her out to celebrate. She had told me earlier about the paper she had to write, but I figured she’d be done by the time I came home. When I got there, I found that Silver friend of hers waiting outside our front door with a couple papers in her mouth. I asked her how she was doing, and she got jumpier than a runaway jackhammer. You'd think I'd just asked her to jump through a ring of fire. That's what it felt like anyway considering how fast she took off. She dropped the papers she was holding, and when I went to pick them up, I spotted the word ‘violence’ written on one of them. I got a bit curious and started to read them, and guess what they were? They were those very papers sitting on your desk right now, Miss Cheerilee. I think you can figure the rest out yourself."

Cheerilee knew what the stallion was getting at, but there was something very wrong about his story. "What about Diamond Tiara’s side of the story, Mr. Rich? Did you at least ask her about it?"

Mr. Rich cocked an eyebrow, almost finding humor in the teacher’s question. "Let me tell you a little something about my daughter, Miss Cheerilee. The only story she has is the one that makes things go her way. I didn’t have to ask her to know she’d deny it. I don’t even think she knows I know about it yet."

Cheerilee didn’t like the sound of that. "Mr. Rich, that doesn’t sound very fair. I know the evidence may look bad, but are you sure you aren’t jumping to conclusions?"

"Jumping’s bad for my back, Miss Cheerilee. I'm telling you, my daughter did not write this essay. If you don't believe me, take a look at the pudding, because it's got all the proof you need." Mr. Rich lightly tapped one of the papers on the desk.

Cheerilee thought for a moment about the whole situation. She knew that Mr. Rich knew what he was talking about since he was Diamond Tiara's father and all, but none of this made any sense to her. Diamond Tiara was already in hot water as it was, and doing something like this now was like inviting a dragon to come turn up the heat. She couldn’t even imagine how it would occur to that filly that getting somepony else to do her assignment for her could ever be a good idea. The whole thing just didn’t add up, and she needed to get to the bottom of it all.

"All right then, let me just see how much proof is in this pudding," Cheerilee stated almost in defiance, still holding onto that glimmer of faith she had in her student.

With one aggressive swipe of her hoof, Cheerilee snagged up all the scattered papers lying on her desk. The intensity of her movements caused Mr. Rich to fall as silent as Big McIntosh as she fervently scanned through that essay at a speed only a teacher could match. After about thirty seconds, she had finished reading the entire paper, and any hopes she had of proving Diamond Tiara’s innocence had been smashed into pieces.

Cheerilee had graded enough papers to recognize the work of each of her students, and she could easily tell that this particular writing style belonged to Silver Spoon even though her name wasn’t the one written at the top of the paper. Her ears drooped as she dropped the papers back on the desk in total silence, prompting the businesspony to speak up again.

"You see, Miss Cheerilee, my daughter doesn’t try to learn from her mistakes. She just tries to look for ways to avoid the punishment. That’s why I’ve come up with an idea to make sure she really learns her lesson this time."

Cheerilee continued staring at that tainted essay, still not believing what had been done. Eventually, she let out a heavy sigh, turning her head back up to the stallion with the plan.

"I’m listening, Mr. Rich."

Monday, March 24

Call me Two-Step Tom, because I’m going dancing tonight!

That’s just an expression, of course. The idea of me dancing is like the idea of my roommate making sense. It’s horrifying to think about, and it’s never going to happen. Besides, I get more than enough dancing from nature alone, thank you very much.

However, I am very excited, because as I walk out of room 413, I feel confident that I just danced circles around that exam.

Again, just an expression. No actual dancing.

I can hear the triumphant melody of the BGM faintly increasing in volume to accompany my success as I make my way through the empty halls of the exam building.

Even while being slightly distracted by the curious glow still coming out of my hands, this test gave me no problems whatsoever. The fact that it was multiple choice didn’t even have any relevance to me since I knew the answers before even looking at the choices. I seriously blazed through that exam so quickly that when I went to turn it in, Dr. Stellar had to ask, "Is there a problem?"

It was amazing. It was spectacular. It was the greatest act of test-taking I’d ever performed in the history of my existence.

It was boring.

The thought jumps into my head like a fly landing on my ice cream cone, and I start to get concerned at how long it stays there. I try to force my mind onto something else, like my nonsensically shiny hands, but the idea keeps floating back into my head no matter how hard I try to ignore it. Though I don’t want to believe it at first, I eventually realize that it’s the truth.

That test wasn’t any fun.

There was no challenge, no real opportunity to scavenge my brain for any backup information, no moment where I needed to think back to any of the mnemonics I came up with during all my study time, and no big rival questions that I had to have a final showdown with during the last five minutes of the testing period.

Aside from that, the usual thrill of taking a test on its own just wasn’t there this time. Usually, I feel that tiny spark of excitement every time I answer a question that I'm sure I know. This time, however, it just felt more like I was filling in a bunch of circles to pass the time.

As I let these thoughts buzz around in my head while I walk through the noisy campus grounds, they leave me with one unwanted final conclusion.

I want to take a more exciting class.

But hold on a second, this was a test in psychology. This is the study of all things related to the mind. How could I find that boring? My entire life is based around the inner workings of the human mind. My favorite activity is thinking for crying out loud! There is no possible way on this planet or any other that I could ever lose interest in something so important to me!

However, as I walk outside and down the steps at the building’s entrance, I find myself somehow struggling to come up with even one key topic, just one specific fact about psychology that can excite me. Circadian rhythms, the sunk cost effect, schizophrenia, none of them even sound interesting. All of them just sound like complicated, boring words that I wouldn’t even care to define. I can’t believe it, but that thrill that the joys of psychology once provided me is now nowhere to be found in my brain.

This can’t be right! This is what I’ve had set up as my major since I was little. I’ve spent the past eight years wanting to be a successful psychologist. I used to tell people it was my greatest desire without the slightest bit of hesitation. My entire family and every one of my friends knows it’s the path I’ve chosen, and I’ve put all my time and effort into learning and studying everything I can about the subject above all else. I can still remember the day I discovered that understanding the human mind was my true purpose in life.

Wait a second…no, I can’t!

That…that’s impossible! How could I forget something as important as why I love psychology? It’s my passion! It’s what I’ve dreamed of doing for years, and now I can’t even remember why? What's wrong with me?

Is this really happening? After all the hours of work, all the time I’ve spent, the sleep I’ve lost, the meals I’ve missed, the pencils I’ve destroyed to realize my greatest dream…now I can’t even remember why I ever wanted it? That’s pathetic. It’s downright nauseating. It’s the most disturbing concept to ever inhabit my mind. Well, aside from the thought of me dancing, that is.

I think something might be wrong with my brain. Maybe I’ve just been working too hard, and I’m not thinking properly. There has to be some psychological explanation for all this, right? But then, I wouldn't care about that now, would I? What do you think? Is there something wrong with me?

Okay, I need to get ahold of myself. Now I’m asking my audience questions as if they could answer me. What am I, six?

I just don’t know. I’m still running on apple juice here, so my mind should be working fine, but I’m not even separating my thoughts and my narration correctly anymore. Oh, great, and now to throw another monkey wrench into my coleslaw, my left shoe’s untied. What else could…oh no, I’m not thinking that again.

I make a stop by our campus’s large fountain and set my last remaining pencil down to tie my shoe. Once my shoelaces are secure, I stop to gaze up at the bronze horse statue that’s majestically standing atop the fountain. It’s supposed to be our school’s mascot, but the student who made it didn’t really put much effort into it. At least, I wouldn’t imagine he did considering it looks more like a mule than a horse. Even so, I just find the thing to be so inspiring. I know it's because it’s a statue, but it’s still one of the only animals I’ve ever seen that never sings, never dances, and never blabs at me. No matter how much the water splashes against its body or how catchy the BGM becomes, the statue will continue to hold there motionlessly, frozen in place no matter what. I just find it awe-inspiring.

I can never look at it for too long though, because it starts to make me wish I lived in a world where all of nature was this serene and relaxing. I take a few more seconds to admire its magnificent, poorly-crafted beauty, and then I regrettably turn my attention back to reality.

It's then that I get a very strong dosage of reality coming from an aggressive, boisterous voice off in the distance.

Saturday, March 22

Cheerilee’s eyes widened and her mouth dropped open in shock while Big Mac’s expression remained about the same as Filthy Rich finished explaining his idea.

"Mr. Rich, don’t you think that seems a bit extreme?" Cheerilee asked after considering what he was suggesting.

"I think it’s time my daughter learns that she can’t keep putting on a cute face and expecting to get away with everything. If you ask me, this is the only thing we can do," Mr. Rich replied, straightening his tie again.

"I don’t know. It sounds a bit cruel to me. I’m worried it might do more harm than help."

"With all due respect, Miss Cheerilee, considering what happened yesterday, it doesn’t seem like any more harm can be done."

Cheerilee thought more about the businesspony's proposal. This was exactly the sort of drastic action she was trying to avoid. She still wanted to believe in the goodness she knew was in each of her students and that she could help them to find it in themselves.

"At least let me try talking to her first. I’d still like to hear her side of the story before deciding how to deal with her. You understand, don’t you?"

"You’re the teacher here, so I’m sure you’ll do what’s best for these students. I just hope you know what my daughter's capable of."

"Oh, I’m well aware, Mr. Rich, and I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t underestimate my teaching skills," the teacher replied, somewhat irritated by the remark.

"All right, all right, I’m not trying to offend anypony. I’m just saying that anytime I try to reason with my employees, they always end up taking advantage of me."

"I apologize, Mr. Rich, but this is different. Your daughter, like all of my students, is just an innocent, impressionable young pony who needs to be shown love and nurturing so she can mature into a responsible, intelligent mare."

"I know you mean well, Miss Cheerilee, but I think you need to remember where all that love and nurturing got you yesterday."

"Mr. Rich!" Cheerilee shouted in her authoritative teacher voice. "That statement was highly uncalled for! I think it’d be best if you spent some time in the corner to reflect on that attitude of yours."

Filthy Rich laughed for the second time that meeting. "You can’t make me go to the corner. I’m a grown stallion."

"Corner!" Cheerilee ordered, pointing toward the far wall.

"Yes, ma’am," Filthy meekly replied, submissively retreating into the corner.

Cheerilee let out another sigh and turned to Big McIntosh, who was patiently standing there as silent as ever.

"Big McIntosh, you understand, don’t you? These girls are still young, and being too harsh on them now could have horrible repercussions down the road."

Big McIntosh didn’t say a word. He just stared into the teacher’s eyes, his expression unchanging and his gaze stalwart.

Cheerilee sighed again, looking out the window at the beautiful, sunny day the three of them were missing out on. "You’re right, Big McIntosh. We need to nip this in the bud before it gets out of hoof."

"Eyup," the red stallion calmly responded.

"How’s Apple Bloom doing? Is her ear doing okay?" Cheerilee asked out of concern as she faced forward once again.

Big McIntosh looked away and replied with another "eyup", this one sounding a bit more constrained.

"That's a relief. I think I should have to have a talk with her too. I’d hate to see this little incident cause a rift between those girls," Cheerilee said, shifting her glance back out the window. It seemed that this meeting had made all the progress it was going to make.

"Well, thank you both for coming in on such short notice. I know the last thing you want to do is spend your time talking about things like this. I suppose I’ll see you both again at the big Horseshoe Switcheroo Festival in two weeks. I just hope we’ll have all this sorted out by then."

"Eyup," Big McIntosh stated one more time, finally putting on a smile as he nodded goodbye left the classroom.

Cheerilee turned back to the other stallion still sulking in the corner, switching back to her sterner teaching voice as she said, "And as for you, Mr. Rich, you can leave as soon as you apologize for that comment you made earlier."

After about fifteen minutes of protesting, Cheerilee finally got her apology and was left alone in her classroom. Now that she had finished grading Thursday’s test papers, she had a bit of free time to think some more about Mr. Rich’s suggestion. It still seemed a bit too cruel to do to somepony as fragile as Diamond Tiara.

She decided to push the thought away for now and look at something else. Her gaze fell toward the wall at the back of the classroom. Plastered all over that wall were a collection of drawings that her students had created. A few days ago, she had each of them draw a self-portrait in class as a fun little exercise to help them form a better understanding of how they view themselves. She had let them all post their artwork up on the wall as she often did with her more creative activities, but she hadn’t really had a chance to look at them yet. With the silence and solitude of the Saturday morning at her disposal, she figured it was the perfect time to seize the opportunity.

Twist had drawn herself holding a peppermint stick in her mouth, keeping things simplistic and adding no additional details. Snips and Snails had been a bit more imaginative and drawn themselves performing great feats of magic while wearing decorated purple robes and pointy hats. Sweetie Belle’s picture showed herself drawing a picture, most likely as a result of taking the assignment a bit too literally.

Though she had instructed each of them to draw a self-portrait, Cheerilee noticed that some of her students had chosen to add other ponies to their drawings, probably seeing them as part of their identities. Apple Bloom had included her family members that stood next to her as she bucked a tree on her apple farm. Scootaloo had drawn her idol, Rainbow Dash, flying next to her as she soared through the clouds on her scooter. Silver Spoon had added a mob of photographer ponies that were snapping photos of her as she struck a grandiose pose, clearly enjoying the limelight.

Cheerilee paused as she shifted her gaze to the next picture. Diamond Tiara’s picture. Before she knew it, she found herself taking it down from the wall to get a closer look at it.

It was certainly a bit more…detailed than the others. The drawing displayed Diamond Tiara sitting on a gaudy, heavily decorated throne while wearing a tiara much larger and more colorful than the one she generally wore. She wore a smile on her face that was anything but innocent as she looked down at a large collection of dots strewn about the rest of the paper. Though the dots didn’t really seem to resemble anything, the pink filly had taken the time to draw a large arrow with a label at the end of it that read ‘them’. In addition to that, even though it was quite obvious on its own, she had decided to make a second arrow pointing to herself and label it in large, bold, fuchsia letters that took up more than half the page with the single word ‘ME’.

Cheerilee stared blankly at the picture for a few seconds until the thought slipped from her mind and out her mouth, "Diamond Tiara, what am I going to do with you?"

Monday, March 24

"Hammerhead! Hey, Hammerhead!"

If I didn’t immediately recognize that voice, I probably would have just tuned it out. However, the owner of this voice is something I can't ignore, and as my forced smile from the black lagoon rises from the deep, I turn to face a stimulated, spiky-haired man child running towards me at full speed. Once he gets close enough to talk at a normal volume, he starts yelling at me as if he’s still twenty feet away.

"Hammerhead, I’m so glad I caught you! You’re not busy or anything, are you?"

Nice of you to assume that, Rook.

The guy screaming in my face like it’s on fire is the delightful fellow known as Rook Bishop. Never heard of him? Don't worry, you will. He’s the captain of our tennischess club, and from the way he brags about what a good player he is, you’d think he invented the sport. He achieved his leadership position about sixteen months ago after he stumbled in one day and announced that he was the tallest member in the club, as if that has any meaning in a game like tennischess. He’s actually much shorter than I am, but his legendary balloon-popping hair begs to differ.

As fairly-elected captain, he can’t be bothered to learn the names of his subordinates, but it’s okay because he comes up with "better" names to call us by instead. Don’t ask me how he came up with mine. All I know is that I need to just tell him I’m busy so I can be on my way.

"No, I’m not doing anything," I casually reply.

Yep, something’s very wrong with my brain.

Before I even finish answering him, he responds, "Great, so then you can help me with something! I mean, I’m sure you would anyway since we’re such good friends and all."

How are we friends? You don’t even know my real name.

I pointlessly try to ask, "Well, what do you need me to–"

"See, I found this old building that would be perfect to be our club’s new meeting place. Problem is, it’s all run-down and stuff. We need to fix it up a bit if we’re gonna be meeting there regularly, and I figure the least you can do is help out as a member of the club."

Okay, I just need to tell him I'm not feeling well. It's not a lie. I am going to the doctor's after all.

"Sounds like fun! Where is it?" I respond with great enthusiasm.

I could have sworn the word ‘no’ was in my vocabulary earlier today.

"Awesome! It’s about two miles off-campus. I got some other guys from the club to join in. They're already there waiting for us. If we head over now, we’ll be able to fix it up before someone else comes to try to steal it from us." As he finishes his rushed thought, he disappears right in front of my eyes, leaving me alone next to the relaxing blissfulness of the horse fountain.

A second later he reappears right in front of me. "What's keeping you, Hammerhead? Don’t tell me you lost your license."

You’re one to talk. You’ve lost it six times since I’ve met you. Besides, I got enough slack about this from the wind this morning.

"It’s not that. It’s just…I’m not really a fan of the whole…"

"Don’t worry about it, Hammer. I gotcha."

He quickly grabs my arm, pulling me towards him, and after a quick horizontal wipe effect, I’m suddenly standing in front of an old rundown building in a pretty barren area, three of my fellow tennischess club members standing collectively nearby. I do find it funny that someone as pompous as Rook has such an understated transition effect. Even I’ve at least got a dissolve effect.

Suddenly, I feel a hardhat forcefully shoved onto my head. The impact's so powerful that it almost knocks me over, and being a bit dizzy from the transition isn’t exactly helping me keep my balance.

"Put this on, Hammer. Don’t want any of my workers getting hurt on the job," Rook proudly states loud enough for all the others to hear.

Then why aren't you wearing one?

After he walks over to go be arrogant to someone else, I start inspecting the dilapidated building I’m apparently going to be fixing up now. I think my self-acclaimed friend here was underselling the amount of work this would require.

"Hey, Rook," I pipe up, "don’t you think this might be a bit too much work for just the five of us? I mean, I actually have to be going somewhere pretty soon, and–"

"Don’t worry, Hammer. This’ll be a piece of cherry cake," he replies almost derisively.

Are you kidding me? Look at this thing! It doesn’t even have a roof!

"Are you sure?" I ask hesitantly, hoping he doesn’t take too much offense to me questioning him.

"Positive. One quick fix-it montage, and we’ll be done in two minutes tops."

Montage? If you’re just going to montage it, why did you need my help?

"So, who brought the music?" Rook asks as he looks to the other members. "Butterface? Scratchbook? Come on, someone’s gotta have it. I need something to get this record-scratching BGM out of my head."

You think this BGM is bad? Weatherman said it’s supposed to be mostly accordions for the rest of the week.

The others don't appear to have any music on them, which prompts Rook to grumble, "Ugh, hang on, I’ll be right back." He transitions off, most likely to get his own music for the montage. I consider asking my fellow club members if they were given as little preparation time for this as I was, but since that would involve more conversation, I just remain as awkwardly silent as always.

A few seconds later, Rook pops back into the scene with a large stereo over his shoulder. "All right, marblechompers, let’s make this place look nice!" He sets the stereo on the ground and presses the play button, causing the stereo to start hopping up and down as it plays a loud, series of sounds that I guess somehow counts as music.

After that, the montage begins, and I find myself hammering nails into the windowpane as Chase falls off a ladder. A few seconds later, a bucket of paint falls on my head as I’m cleaning the gutters, and I can hear Rook silently laughing at me. The disjointed moments of work and embarrassment continue to flash by as we progressively and effortlessly fix up the house. I try in vain to work faster so I can be on my way, but a montage never ends until the song is finished.

As the music finally winds down, I wipe my paint-stained face and look at the surprisingly good job we did. The roof we patched up looks brand new, we polished those windows to shine even brighter than my hands, and I have to admit the mural that Art painted on the left outside wall is just breathtaking. Not a bad job for three minutes of work, I’d say.

"Adequate job, guys. That went almost as well as I wanted it to go. Sorry about the paint spill there, Hammer. Don’t worry, it’ll wash out."

"It’s okay. I don’t mind," I say, actually meaning it this time.

"All right, you guys can go now," Rook states as he pulls out a can of soda from his hammerspace. "All that’s left is to get this piano up to the second floor, and I can handle that myself." He motions to the large grand piano behind him.

The three other participants in Rook’s slave labor say their goodbyes and transition away, leaving just me, Rook, and the extravagant musical instrument attached to a pulley system in front of the newly refurbished tennischess club building.

"What’s the matter, Hammer? You staying to watch? I don’t blame you. I am me after all." He chugs his soda down before smashing the empty can against his head and tossing it aside. His theme song starts blasting as he effortlessly starts pulling on the rope to lift the piano up to the second floor.

My mom always told me I could always tell what kind of person someone is from the sound of their theme music. I've yet to find a time when she wasn't right about that. This particular theme music is very loud and uses quite a few different instruments, but I can’t really make out any melody. It really sounds more like a collection of noise than an actual theme.

"You know, Hammer, you remind me of myself when I was a sophomore. Of course, I was alot better at tennischess back then, and blah blah blah blah…"

No, he didn’t really descend into blahs. He’s just so much more tolerable when I don’t actually listen to what he’s saying.

As my boastful captain continues to compliment himself, I gaze up to take another look at the great job we did on the house. Then, something catches my eye up near the second floor. The rope being used to hold the piano is unraveling, poised to drop the piano right on top of Rook’s gigantic head.

I look back at my esteemed captain to see if he notices, and he’s still talking. He hasn’t even noticed that I looked away.

You know, if he’s just going to stand there like that then…no. I don’t care how self-important this guy is. I can’t let a piano fall on him. That’s just not right.

As the rope finally snaps, I spring into action, diving right into Rook and shoving him out of the way at the very last second. I just wish I made my move a second earlier, because after Rook lands safely out of the piano’s falling shadow, all I can do is look up and watch as it comes crashing down right on top of me.

What Do You Mean?

Chpt. 6 - What Do You Mean?

Saturday, March 22

The train was running precisely three minutes ahead of schedule, and while the six possessors of the Elements of Harmony anxiously waited to arrive at their destination, a certain blue pegasus was going on about their recent victory over the forces of disharmony.

"Twelve hours! A whole night in the Everfree Forest! Now that’s what I call a workout!"

"A workout for the gums maybe," Applejack replied, "seeing as how we musta spent at least ten a those hours just hollering at each other."

"Yeah!" Pinkie shouted, popping her head up to where Applejack and Rainbow Dash could see her from where they were sitting. "And another hour getting slobbered all over."

Rarity shivered at the memory of getting drenched by that monster’s disgusting saliva over and over again throughout their encounter. "Honestly, I hope I never see another green liquid for as long as I live," she said.

"Me neither," Pinkie agreed, "except for pickle juice. I gotta have my pickle juice!" Pinkie reached behind her back and pulled out a well-sized jar filled with green pickle juice. Without missing a beat, she started guzzling it down right in front of a very disgusted Rarity.

"What I don’t get is how that thing’s spit kept making us all so mad at each other. You’d think we’d become immune to it or something after at least the first six times," Rainbow Dash said, thinking back to the whole ordeal.

"Y’all know better than trying to understand how magicky stuff works, Rainbow," Applejack chided. "Besides, we coulda got covered in that gunk six hundred times, but we just got too strong of a friendship to let a little anger come between us."

"I’m just sorry for all the nasty things I said," Fluttershy stated apologetically, speaking up for the first time since they’d boarded the train. "You all know I didn’t mean them, right?"

"I think we all said a few things we’re not proud of, sugarcube. Like a certain Wonderbolt fan saying I work so much I got apples where my brains should be," Applejack said, glaring over at Rainbow.

"Or a certain farm pony telling me I fly so much I should just trade in my legs for another pair of wings," Rainbow Dash replied accusingly as she countered her friend with a glare of her own.

They continued staring each other down for a few seconds, causing Fluttershy to shy away in fear and take cover under her seat.

As the tension reached its climax, both of them had to drop their glares and burst out laughing. They both knew better than to let a few silly insults come between them, especially ones caused by the effects of evil saliva. It was a good thing too, because otherwise they might not have been able to overcome their foe.

"Anyway, the important thing here is that nopony got hurt, right, Rarity?" Applejack asked the green pony sticking her head out the window.

"Hmm?" Rarity asked, pulling her head back in to respond to the question, "Oh yes, yes, most definitely. I don’t even want to imagine what might have happened if we hadn’t used the Elements when we did."

"You’re telling me," Rainbow exclaimed, leaning forward in excitement. "That thing was huge! Did you see the size of those claws? I could have made an obstacle course out of one of those bad boys!"

"I know Twilight got a good look!" Pinkie exclaimed after finishing her seventh jar of pickle juice. "She got her crown knocked clean off her head by that big meanie."

"She did what now?" Applejack asked in shock.

"When did that happen?" Rainbow Dash asked, about as surprised.

"Is that where that bump on her head came from?" Fluttershy asked, sticking her head back out from under her seat. "When I asked about it, she said it was nothing."

"Oh, it was something all right, Fluttershy!" Pinkie cheerfully shouted like she was describing a major sporting event. "I saw the whole thing! Remember when we first got to the forest, and we split up so we could go find the monster faster?"

"Yeah, why did we do that again?" Rainbow asked as she recalled how well that plan turned out.

"Well, I ended up finding Twilight, and then the monster found us!" Pinkie said without even a slight drop in enthusiasm."I didn’t think it could be that sneaky considering how big it was, but it really got us good. Too bad it wasted its big chance. It didn’t even shout ‘surprise’ when it jumped out at us. All it did was swing one of those big claws at Twilight’s head. Totally unoriginal if you ask me."

"Goodness! Twilight dear! Why didn’t you tell us about this earlier?" Rarity asked, turning to the unicorn on the other side of the train.

"I’m not nervous!" Twilight shouted from her seat as she heard her name being called. She squeezed tightly onto the decorated chest in her hooves as she turned around to see what her friends wanted. A combination of anxiety and exhaustion was making her tremble violently, and she had a manic look in her eyes that was distinctly absent when she first boarded the train.

Pinkie took it upon herself to answer for her. "Oh, it’s okay, Rarity. The monster didn’t actually hit her head. She ducked out of the way just in time, and all it did was knock her crown off. But I’m telling you, that sucker flew! It was all 'woosh'! Then it hit against a tree, and it was all 'clang'! And then Twilight was all 'aaah'! And the monster was all 'raaar'! And I was all…"

"I think we get the idea, Pinkie," Applejack said, a bit more focused now on the trembling unicorn holding the gaudy chest than the discussion that was going on.

"So how’d she get that big lump if the thing never touched her?" Rainbow asked, also looking over towards the unicorn.

"Oh that?" Pinkie said, giggling about it. "That’s just from the tree branch she ran into when she dashed over to get her crown back. It was so funny I just had to laugh, you know? It was kinda weird, though. The monster didn’t find it very funny at all. He didn’t even smile when she started walking around like this." Pinkie stuck her tongue out, crossed her eyes, and started stumbling around the train, causing most of her friends to at least giggle at her impression.

"That’s because Malice is the spirit of hatred and malevolence," Twilight said, surprising her friends at her sudden participation in the discussion. "It has no control of its emotions. It wants only to spread anger and destruction wherever it goes. That’s why we had to seal it away with the Elements of Harmony. There was simply no way to reason with it." She refused to take her eyes off the case throughout her explanation, and her friends were getting a bit worried at how much she was shaking.

"But that doesn’t matter!" Twilight shouted, going off like Pinkie's confetti cannon. "All that’s over now, and we’ve got a new mission to worry about. Not that I’m worried about it or anything. I mean, I don’t look worried do I? Nope, no worrying here." She forced a laugh, trying to cover up how worried she was.

"Hey, you think Twilight’s okay? She seems a little…off," Rainbow Dash discreetly said to Rarity.

"Now, Rainbow Dash, it’s perfectly normal for her to be a tad shaken up about this whole ordeal. Just think about how much we’ve been through today. I’m sure she just needs some time to calm down, and she’ll be fine," Rarity elegantly whispered in response.

"What are you looking at?" Twilight yelled to the one random pony sitting near them on the train, hiding her precious case behind her back. "I’m watching you," she threatened, pointing one of her hooves right in his face with her eyes fiercely narrowed. The stranger’s eyes shifted back and forth before he slowly made his way out of the train car into a different room, Twilight watching him the entire time.

Rarity and Rainbow Dash both had the same blank expression on their faces as they glanced at one another, clearly thinking the same thought.

"Are you feeling okay, Twilight? You seem a little…tense," Fluttershy shyly said.

"Actually you seem more like a lot tense. Like overdue library book tense!" Pinkie said.

Twilight turned back to her friends with a disturbingly sweet smile across her face. "Tense? Who’s tense? I’m not tense! I’m just peachy! Sure, we’ve been given the responsibility of protecting the only things that have prevented all of Equestria from falling apart all these years, and maybe there’s some creature with power beyond our imagination coming to steal them from us, but why would that make me tense?" Twilight’s left eye twitched as she finished her sentence.

"I think you need to calm down, Twi. It’s not that big of a deal," Rainbow said as she reclined back in her seat.

"What? How could you possibly say that?" Twilight shouted, jumping onto Rainbow’s seat and almost sending her flying off it. "These are the Elements of Harmony we’re talking about here! We have no idea what sort of evil creature might show up to try and take them away from us or even what form it might take! If we don’t take this seriously, the consequences could be disastrous!"

"Now hold on a sec there, Twi. Ain’t nopony say nothing about not taking this seriously," Applejack replied, momentarily confusing the purple mare with her quadruple negative. "Ain’t that right, Rainbow Dash?" Applejack expectantly turned to the blue pegasus for a response.

Rainbow regained her composure after Twilight’s sudden episode and cautiously replied, "Yeah, Twilight. All I’m saying is it doesn’t matter what sort of evil crazy thing comes to take that case from us. We just used the Elements to take down a two-story monster with evil spit! If we can handle that, there isn’t a monster in all of Equestria that could take them away from us."

"We don’t know that for sure! Twilight retorted. "Maybe that letter was written by something that can consume light and turn invisible. Or maybe it has crazy eye lasers that can erase things from existence!"

"Ooh! Or maybe it has magic snot that makes you do whatever it tells you to do!" Pinkie suggested with great enthusiasm, making Rarity stick her hoof in her mouth and stick her head right back out the window at the very idea of such a creature.

"Um, Pinkie, maybe you shouldn't," Fluttershy said, uneasily glancing at Twilight.

Rainbow continued speaking. "Anyway, all I’m saying is that with everything we’ve been through, we can handle protecting a crown and some necklaces for two measly weeks."

"Exactly!" Applejack added, trying to brighten her distressed friend’s mood. "It’s just like we told the princess, Twi. The Elements of Harmony ain’t going nowhere while we’re on the job!"

"You’re right…you’re right. We can do this…probably," Twilight replied as she tried to force a smile. "I mean, we’ve never let Princess Celestia down before. I don’t see why we’d start now. We’ll just do our best, and it’ll all work out…I hope."

"That’s the spirit!" Applejack cheered.

"No, it’s not," Pinkie said, causing Applejack to stuff her hoof into Pinkie’s mouth to keep her quiet.

"We’ll just wait until we get back to Ponyville before we put them on," Twilight said, looking over the case with a serious, unblinking gaze.

"Wait, what?" Rainbow asked in confusion, jerking out of her relaxed position.

"Uh, beg pardon, Twilight, but wouldn’t it just be simpler if we kept ‘em in the case? Like behind one a yer magic forcefields or something?" Applejack politely suggested.

"That’s a great idea!" Twilight said incredibly earnestly. "But we can do better than that! Instead, let’s lock them up in a magical vault protected by a spell that only something as powerful as Princess Celestia can break. That’ll make sure they’re absolutely safe. But we don’t have one of those in Ponyville, so I know! Let’s use the one in Canterlot Tower! Oh, wait!"

"All right, all right, no need to get all huffy. I’m just saying it’ll make it a lot simpler if we kept 'em all in one place," Applejack pointed out.

"That’s right, Applejack," Twilight stated with a hint of frustration in her voice. "It’ll make it much simpler for the whatever-it-is that’s coming to try and steal them from us if we have them gift-wrapped and ready to steal all at once."

"Now arriving in Ponyville," the conductor said to the six mares as the train's whistle blared, signaling that they were nearing their destination.

Twilight stopped talking and resumed her firm grip on the case as the conductor entered the room, eyeing him suspiciously.

"Ooh! Ooh! Can I blow the train whistle? Can I blow the train whistle?" Pinkie squeaked to the conductor.

The conductor rolled his eyes and stepped back so the pink pony could pull the cord that activated the whistle. Before long, the train came to a complete stop, and the six ponies made their way outside.

"Twilight!" Spike called as he ran up to his best friend to give her a hug. "You’re back!"

"I know I’m back, Spike. We don’t have time to point out the obvious! We’ve got serious work to do!" Twilight retorted, placing Spike onto her back with her magic before he could fully embrace her.

"Uh, you okay?" Spike asked, looking to Twilight’s friends for a sign of what was going on. All he saw was Rainbow Dash making the "screw loose" gesture with her hoof and Rarity looking beautiful as always.

"No time for that now. Hold this," Twilight said, shoving the precious case that had her so riled up right into Spike’s claws.

"What’s this?" Spike asked, opening the case immediately out of childlike curiosity. "The Elements of Harmony!" he exclaimed loud enough for the crowd of passengers and train workers to stop and stare at him.

Twilight chuckled sheepishly and loudly stated, "Yes, Spike. The Elements of Harmony sure is one of my favorite books. In fact, I think I'll go read it right now." She ran from the station at full speed, causing Spike to hang on for dear life while her friends followed closely behind.

After escaping from the train station, Spike caught his breath and asked, "Why do you have this? Is something coming to attack Ponyville?"

"Yes…No…We don’t know!" Twilight let out an annoyed sigh before giving Spike the letter she had placed in her satchel.

"Just read this."

Monday, March 31

Getting your entire body crushed by a piano: It has to be the single most embarrassing experience a single person can go through.

My body starts to pulsate up and down like an accordion as I try to stop my eyes from spinning wildly around in my head. The bluebirds of endless tweeting circle around my forehead again, and thanks to the piano squishing my hands flat, I can’t even shoo them away. Despite my disorientation, I make sure to keep my mouth shut to avoid revealing all the piano keys that got stuck in my teeth. The last thing I need right now is an involuntary piano smile to make me look like a complete imbecile.

Thankfully, Rook’s the only one here, so he and you are the only ones actually witnessing this. I don't exactly know how big my audience is right now, but it’s moments like these that make me just hope there’s only a few of you out there. I guess there can’t be too many of you; otherwise I’m sure I’d have just set off a laugh track or something. Besides, I don’t need to feel embarrassed about this. It’s not like any of you think less of me for getting piano'd, right? Right? Don’t look at me. I’m too ashamed.

As I spit out the piano keys so I can speak again, my ears are graced with the sound of the signature laugh of Rook Bishop, which sounds like some crazy audial combination of popcorn popping and a pirate earning his eyepatch. Still, it’s much less cacophonous than the laugh of the North wind.

"Hammerhead, what in my name were you thinking?" he asks amidst his laughter.

Ah, it feels so good to be appreciated.

"What do you mean?" I ask, struggling to repress a couple hundred increasingly vicious thought bubbles.

"Come on, Hammer. Think," he tells me while finally easing back on the laughter, putting his finger to his head to emphasize his statement.

He did not just tell me to think. What have I been reduced to when someone has to tell me to think?

"I’m afraid I don't follow," I reply before blowing on my thumb to reflate my body.

He points his finger up to indicate the sound of his theme noise still playing, and the realization of what I just did makes me feel like I just got hit with another piano as nature's trombones play their jeering riff.

How could I forget something so obvious? His power food's still active! This whole building beside us could fall on him and he wouldn’t even feel it right now!

"Whoops, guess I forgot about that. Sorry," I chuckle as I try in vain to scoop up any remnants of my dignity.

Rook gives me a funny look. "Sorry? You take a piano for me for no good reason and you’re sorry?"

Is he getting mad at me for apologizing?

It turns out he’s not, because he starts laughing again, giving my face a quick saliva bath. "You’re just too much, Hammerhead. You’re supposed to say you’re sorry for pushing someone into the way of a falling piano for no good reason. Not out of it."

You know, when dealing with egomaniacs like Rook, I find it difficult to not automatically hear "and that's another reason I'm better than you" after every sentence they complete.

He calms down from his laughter again and looks over at all the debris. "Anyway, I guess we’ll need another piano for our awesome, new clubhouse. We’ll need a new rope to pull it up too. Tell ya what, since you did something for me, I’ll do something for you."

What’s this? That type of thinking isn’t written in the Rook Bishop Code of Conduct.

"I’ll take care of the piano mess by myself, so you don’t have to worry about it," he says as if he’s doing me the greatest favor the world has ever known.

I wasn’t worried about it, good sir. You said you’d handle it from the beginning!

"Thanks," I politely remark, that smile springing back onto my face as happy as ever.

"Oh, by the way, you still need a lift back, right?" he asks, probably still believing that I lost my transitioning license.

"That’d be great, yeah," I say, feeling relieved in every sense of the word to have reached the end of this little distraction.

He shouts down from his high horse, "Okay, but that’ll be two favors, so you owe me one now. In fact, you owe me two if you count the trip here."

Well, that's one less favor than I usually owe you after doing you a favor.

He grabs my arm and pulls me with him again as we transition back to the big fountain where all this mess began about five minutes ago.

"Hey, you know what? I can’t stop giving today! I’m gonna let you pay off those favors right now! How about that?"

Sounds great…

"Sounds great!" I say with enough enthusiasm to power a dam.

"That’s what I wanna hear! See, since we got a new place to hold our tennischess meetings now, I’ve been thinking about recruiting some more members. I mean, the way we fixed that place up, it’d be a shame if only the five of us used it, right?"

"Makes sense," I agree.

And maybe you can find a new sucker to let you win all the time.

"So, go ahead and take these," he says as he pulls out a stack of papers from his hammerspace and hands them to me. "I made a bunch of flyers to advertise the club. Go ahead and pass these out to everyone you see so we can get the word out."

I grab the sample flyer he hands me and casually glance over it.

I suppose you could say it advertises the club. If I squint closely, I can see the word "tennischess" under the grand display that is Rook Bishop’s name and smiling visage. I feel compelled to ask him if he’s trying to get the word out about the club or promote his upcoming blockbuster hit, "Rook Bishop: Leggo My Ego". However, I know better than to say such things to my ostensible superior.

"All right, I’ll hand out as many as I can," I respond as I grab the stack of flyers and place them into my own hammerspace.

"You know, Hammer, anyone ever tell you that you got some shiny hands?" he asks as I notice him staring closely at them.

"Yeah, they’re shiny all right," I chuckle, pulling them behind my back and trying to laugh off his comment.

I almost consider asking his prestigious opinion of my shiny hands of mystery, but his question reminds me of a mental note I had made before I took my exam: Store, doctor, sleep.

I check my watch again. It’s 8:32. I’ve only got about an hour left until that apple juice should start wearing off. I decide I need to end this discussion like I should have done six minutes ago so I can be on my way. Luckily, even if it doesn’t interest me anymore, I can still use my psychological abilities to very easily accomplish that objective. Rook's mental state is defined by a sense of narcissism and self-importance. That makes him one of the easiest types of people to manipulate.

"You know, you really did a good job on those flyers, Rook," I compliment, pulling one back out to glance it over.

"I did, didn’t I?" he boasts, rubbing his shirt with his knuckles. "Nice of you to notice."

Perfect, and now...

"Yeah, in fact, I don’t think I can wait any longer to start handing them out, so I’m going to head off and get right on that."

That’s checkmate, Rook. Now you either have to let me leave or make me take back my compliment.

"That’s the spirit, Hammerhead! You get going and start doing that, and I’ll get to work on coming up with that other favor for you to do for me."

Okay, so he still wins, but I got what I wanted.

"Thanks! See you later, then!" I call out as I start walking away from him, trying not to seem too eager to leave. However, true to his nature, my captain manages to get the final word in before I can get away.

"No problem, buddy! Take it easy!"

Rook Bishop just called me ‘buddy’. What sort of lucid dream have I entered?

Seriously, what’s going on with me today? First I forget to buy a spare toothbrush, then I lose my passion for psychology, and now I'm mindlessly diving in the way of pianos for no good reason. There has to be an explanation for what's going on with my brain today. It's not like it's broken or anything. I just successfully manipulated someone with it; although, even that wasn't any fun.

Come to think of it, was it even fun when I did the same this morning with that clerk? I can't even remember.

Maybe all this has something to do with my shiny hands. Maybe this shine took all my interest away. Maybe I’ve been infected with some kind of virus that messes with the neurotransmitters in the brain and sends all my passion into my hands, making them sparkle like this. True, that makes about as much sense as using a bonesaw to cut my hair, but so does waking up with mousetrapping shiny hands!

Anyway, what am I doing again? Oh, right, my schedule. Store, doctor, sleep. I suppose I’ll just let the doctor figure out what’s wrong with me today. He’s the professional here after all.

I would just go straight there, but my head will explode if I have to make another toothbrush run at five in the morning, so I’m sticking to my original plan. I just have to remember the toothbrush I buy cannot be green. I'd prefer it if my eyes stayed inside my head for the rest of the day.

Saturday, March 15

"Someone’s gonna try to steal the Elements of Harmony?" Spike asked as surprised the other six were when they first heard the news. It almost made him fall off Twilight’s back as they made their way into an empty field right outside of Ponyville.

"That’s the way we see it. But I think I’ve figured out exactly what we need to do to make sure we keep them safe." Twilight still seemed a bit nervous as she finished explaining everything to Spike, but the weather was so beautiful in Ponyville right now that it had calmed her down considerably. She wasn't even shaking anymore.

"You sure you’re okay? That bump looks pretty nasty," Spike said, observing the red bump Twilight received from her earlier escapade in the Everfree Forest.

"I told you, I’m fine. Now let’s stay on topic here. We need to make sure we don’t let our guard down even for a second."

Twilight turned back to her friends who had also come to notice how beautiful of a day it was and were taking a moment to enjoy it.

"Twilight! You gotta check out how nice this grass feels! It’s like a cloud on the ground!" Pinkie exclaimed while rolling around in the grass right past Twilight and Spike.

After an annoyed sigh, Twilight opened the case containing the six Elements and distributed them appropriately among her friends and herself. "We need to focus here, girls. Remember, these are incredibly powerful artifacts that the princess has trusted us to guard with our lives."

"Our…lives?" Fluttershy asked, feeling a bit apprehensive about what they would be doing over the next two weeks.

"And so," Twilight continued, now marching in front of her friends like a drill sergeant wearing a sparkly crown, "it is our job to make sure that nothing happens to them for any reason! That means they should be kept either on us or in a location where we can see them at all times. Also, we need to make sure that we don’t do anything reckless that could accidentally cause us to lose them."

"Why are you looking at me?" Rainbow Dash asked after her friend started staring her down.

"Because I don’t usually see Rarity practicing her daredevil moves on a regular basis," Twilight responded with a completely straight face.

"What? Oh come on, I can’t just not practice my moves for two weeks! I have an image to keep up!" Rainbow flew into the air a bit in agitation.

"And I have a duty to the princess to make sure the Elements of Harmony don’t fall into the clutches of evil! In fact, we both do!"

"But I mean, two weeks with no flying practice? Why can’t you just get Applejack or somepony else just look after mine?"

"Come on now, Rainbow," Applejack interjected. "We all promised the princess that we would watch over the Elements of Harmony. We said that we’d do our best to make sure nothing happens to them. Don’tcha think that’s a little more important than your image?"

Rainbow Dash crossed her forelegs and looked at the ground as she hovered in mid-air.

"I’m sorry, Rainbow, but until this mess is over, you’re just going to have to be responsible and take the flying down a couple notches," Twilight said, trying her best to be sympathetic. "If your necklace fell off during one of your stunts, this threat could find it before we do. We can't take that chance."

"Fine," the pegasus regrettably replied as she returned to the ground, looking at her necklace as if it were some kind of heavy chain.

"And, lastly, the most important thing for us to remember is that we can’t let anypony know we have the Elements here with us in Ponyville."

Pinkie spoke up as she remembered her promise, "Oh, I’m all over that Twilight. I won’t let anypony spill the beans while I’m on the job. Not even these beans." Pinkie pulled out an open can of beans, balancing it on her hoof with extreme determination regardless of its unimportance.

"Sorry, Pinkie, but I’m afraid that’s not going to be good enough. Remember, whatever’s trying to steal the Elements could be anyone or anything. It could have spies all over Equestria for all we know. If we go parading around town wearing them for two weeks, think how easily it could find them!"

"Doesn’t that seem a bit fanciful, darling?" Rarity asked, wondering if that bump on Twilight’s head was affecting her reasoning.

"You heard the princess. We can’t take any chances." Twilight’s horn lit up as she prepared to cast a spell.

In the blink of an eye, all six of the Elements of Harmony and their owners were each consumed by individual purple auras of magic, and in another blink the auras were gone, everything appearing to be unchanged.

"What was that all about?" Spike asked, still watching everything from Twilight’s back.

Twilight replied, "That was a spell that’s going to help us keep everything under control for the next two weeks. It’s a spell that allows me to make an object invisible to everypony aside from the ones affected by the spell. Now, until it wears off, we’re the only ones who can see them, and I’ve set it to last for exactly fourteen days from today. With this, now we–"

"Now we’ve got nothing to worry about!" Rainbow Dash shouted as a large smile spread across her face. "If no one else can see them, then no one else can steal them. So that means we won’t to guard these things after all." Rainbow Dash tossed her necklace back into the case and flew up into the air, doing a few spontaneous tricks mid-flight out of excitement.

"Actually," Twilight said, stopping Rainbow Dash in place, "the spell only applies to magicless creatures and ponies. I didn’t cast the spell on Spike, but even he should be able to see them right now."

"It’s true. I can," Spike said, double checking the large crown on Twilight’s head.

"So if this threat is really as powerful as we believe it to be, it’ll still be able to see them," Twilight said.

"What?" Rainbow Dash said as she landed back on the ground. "Then what’s even the point of this spell?"

"I told you, we need a safeguard against word of mouth. The fewer ponies that know about this, the safer the Elements will be from falling into harm’s way."

Rainbow let out a heavy sigh and started mumbling angrily to herself as she walked over to reluctantly take her necklace back.

"All right, girls, we have two weeks to make sure the Elements remain in our hooves. Let’s make Princess Celestia proud!"

As the six ponies and dragon cheered in anticipation of their mission to save Equestria once more, it seemed that at that particular moment, Fluttershy wasn’t the quietest one in the group.

Monday, March 31

I step in between the cracks of the path in front of me as I try to decide what to think.

I could keep trying to decipher the meaning behind my mysterious hands of luminosity. Then again, the fact that the core of my studies just slapped me in the face with boredom, leaving me clueless on what I want in life now is worth a thought or two. Of course, there’s also the fact that when I get back to my apartment, my roommate will be most likely be there waiting for me.

All of these thoughts reek of uncertain catastrophe that seems to taint my entire future, and all of them have happened over the course of about two hours.

However, it turns out it doesn’t matter what I decide to think about, because yet another voice drags me out of my imagination and back into reality. I happen to notice it because it sounds something like a cry for help.

"Help! Somebody help me!"

I glance over to see what all the commotion is about. An awkward-looking stranger with very large, squarish glasses and an even more squarish head is kneeling down in the grass a few yards away, and he seems to be looking for something. I look around to see a few other people around who could easily check what the problem is, but they all curiously continue to ignore him. That’s when a term from my studies in psychology pops into my head.

The Bystander Effect – A social phenomenon in which people are less likely to provide needed help when there are more people present than when there are not.

Psychology may have lost all its flavor to me, but I’ll sooner ask my roommate to be my dance partner than let myself fall victim to something related to quite possibly the only thing I can do well.

I make my way over to his location as he continues calling out for assistance. Him being a complete stranger, his introduction theme starts playing over the BGM as I approach him. If it were yesterday, I’d probably do what I normally do and play my little game of using his theme music to try and figure out his personality, but instead my mind only chooses to wonder what could possibly have him so troubled.

He turns up to look at me once I get right next to him, so I quickly ask, "Problem?"

"Oh, hey! You’ll never believe it! I was walking to class, minding my own business, when all of a sudden this ginormous, freaky-looking black cat jumped out in front of me and scared the bejeepers out of me!"

"Oh! And…you still can’t find them?" I ask, doing my best to sound concerned.

"No!" he shouted, punching the ground. "I’ve been looking for the past fifteen minutes now, but still nothing. Stupid cat."

That isn’t good. Bejeepers disappear after five minutes of being outside the human body. I wonder if this guy knows that.

"Um, well, you might not want to hear this, but I think...they’re gone."

"Gone? You mean I can’t get them back?" he asks with pure fear in his voice. Before I can say anything else, he starts crying, a river of water pouring out of his eyes and all over my shoes.

It's strange, but I feel bad for him. Losing his bejeepers is something that can cost him half his audience if he's a boring enough person. He won’t be able to zoom, transition, or even montage properly without them. It’s thankfully never happened to me, but it wasn’t a pretty day in health class when we watched that video on the subject. I couldn't sleep for weeks after watching that.

I look at the ground, trying to think of a way I can help him, but all I see is the dancing grass and the pencil in my hand.

Wait a minute. Maybe that’s it.

"You know, I could try to draw you some new bejeepers," I suggest as the idea starts to form in my head.

His tears immediately stop as he looks up at me. "You, you could? Are you like an art major?" he asks with a sniffle.

"No," I admit, "but I did write a term paper about them once. I could give it my best shot."

He doesn't take much time to respond. "Well, I got nothing to lose. Go for it," he encourages, standing up to watch.

Feeling a bit of stage fright, I take the pencil in my hand and start to draw the general shape of some bejeepers right there on the tear-stained ground. I put as much detail as I can remember from that diagram I studied during all my research into my work. I even sing that little childish song to myself as I draw to make sure I have all the essential parts of the bejeeper accounted for. It's actually a more complex organ than you'd imagine considering how small it is.

The task is pretty daunting, and I sincerely recommend no one try this on their own without adult supervision. It would probably be a bit easier if I had more than just a pencil. The average person has about thirteen bejeepers, so it takes me about twenty minutes to finish drawing them all. My finished creations look even worse than something a third-grader could make, but as long as they're anatomically accurate, they should do their job.

"Wow!" he says as I finish, sounding way too impressed for the quality of my artwork. He plucks my drawings off the ground to observe how they look in three dimensions. "You sure you’re not an art major? These look just like the ones I lost!"

This isn’t the first time he’s lost his bejeepers, is it?

He swallows his new bejeepers and immediately tests them out by transitioning away with an odd bubble transition effect. I wait a few seconds in the awkward silence for him to come back, but soon half a minute goes by and I’m still just gawkily standing there next to some singing wildlife.

Still feels so good to be appreciated.

I figure he’s not coming back, so I just decide to continue on my way to the store for that spare toothbrush I’ve needed all day now. Then, I see a few bubbles in my path, and a pair of square glasses appear right in front of me. The man has a book in his hand now, and from the looks of that smile on his face, one would think he's never cried a day in his life.

"Sorry about that. Didn’t mean to snub you there. Just had to grab something to thank you for the help." He hands me the book he's holding, which boasts the title More Boring Than Anything. "You have no idea how much trouble you just saved me there. I thought I was gonna go have to stop by the doctor."

"Okay," I reply as minimalistic as always, taking the book to be polite.

"Name’s Reed Page," he says, extending his hand in friendship. "That book’s one of my favorites, but I want you to have it. From the sound of your intro theme, it sounds like something right up your alley."

Thank…you?

Preferring not to let another person see what shiny hands I have, Grandma, I end up standing there like a lampshade as he continues holding his arm out like a bespectacled slot machine. Eventually, he confusedly puts it back down and looks at me with pupils much too big for his age. "So, is there anything else I can do for you?"

I start panicking as my mind races to figure out a way to prevent this from turning into another house remodeling scenario. In a random spark of inspiration, I reach into my hammerspace and pull out one of Rook’s flyers.

"What’s this?" he asks, taking the flyer from my hand. "Rook Bishop? Isn’t that the guy who got kicked out of the boasters club for being too self-centered?" He squints, appearing to read what's written at the bottom. "So, he’s captain of the tennischess club now, huh? Oh, I get it; you want me to join, don’t you?"

I smile and nod instinctively, resisting the urge to check my watch.

"Well then sign me up, friend! Tell Ol’ Rook that you’re looking at the newest member of the tennischess club. In fact, I’m going to the library right now to learn what tennischess actually is. Thanks again! Really, you’re the best!"

He transitions away again, and this time I don’t think he’s coming back. I guess my tennischess flyer plan, if you could call it a plan, worked better than I planned.

I can feel the wind chill start to pick up again as I near the store. The wind usually doesn’t like talking to the same person twice in the same day, but it seemed to be having a special amount of fun with me this morning and, to be fair, my transition did cut our conversation a bit short. I figure I have the odds of my bathroom light turning on to get back home without having to suffer through that laugh again.

Okay, so here's my plan: I’m just going to buy my not-green spare toothbrush, attempt to not get sucked into another conversation with the clerk or the wind, swing by the doctor for a quick examination, and go back home to try to use sleep as an excuse to not talk to my roommate.

However, once I finally arrive at that familiar old convenience store, I happen upon something right next to the front entrance that I truly do not expect to see.

I woke up this morning with glowing hands, got crushed by a piano, and bizarrely lost all my passion for my greatest life interest, but that’s normal life compared to this. It starts a new whirlwind of ideas inside of my head, blowing every other idea completely out of focus. I don’t exactly know what to make of it, but it suddenly dawns on me that I may want to alter that plan I just made a bit, because I think I just found a new way to spend my day.

I Don't Know

Chpt. 8 - I Don’t Know

Sunday, March 30

Dear Princess Celestia,

It feels like just yesterday that you assigned my friends and I this great responsibility of watching over the Elements of Harmony. I find it hard to believe that it's already been a week since then, but I suppose time flies when the world's on your shoulders. More to the point, I am pleased to report that there have been no new developments in Ponyville, and though I have still yet to see any signs of a force prepared to abscond with them, I can promise you that my friends and I will continue to keep an eye out for anything suspicious. I apologize for the lack of detail in yesterday’s letter, and to atone for it, I have attached an organized, seven-page report detailing all goings-on in Ponyville taking place over the course of the previous two days. I’m sure you will be very pleased at the amount of particularity I put into it as you look over it in its entirety. Rest assured, there’s still no cause for concern. My friends and I will not let you down!

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle

Spike released a magical, green flame from his mouth, causing the letter he held in his claw to vanish into thin air.

"All right, Spike. Now let’s get to work on preparing tomorrow’s letter," Twilight stated, carefully heading down to the first floor, ensuring the crown on her head remained firmly in place as she held it still with her magic.

Spike groaned, disappointed that he wouldn't be able to take the long-deserved break he was hoping for. He reluctantly followed her downstairs, ready to once again share his thoughts about their defensive tactics.

"Twilight, are you sure you’re not going a little overboard with all this?"

"Overboard?" Twilight gasped. "Spike, do you have any idea what it would mean if something were to happen to the Elements of Harmony? If we’re faced with another major threat to Equestria, we’d be completely defenseless!"

"I know, but…you haven’t even left the library since you got back from Canterlot. Don’t you want to go outside?"

"I can’t go outside, Spike! You know what happens outside, don’t you?" Twilight looked out the nearby window to see a group of fillies jumping rope right outside of it.

Spike walked over to see what his purple friend was looking at, also noticing the carefree young ponies. "Uh…rope burn?" he guessed.

"Floods!" Twilight shouted with enough force to knock the dragon onto his back. "Hurricanes! Avalanches! Volcanoes! Chimeras!" Her pupils shrank and her ears fell flat as she thought of another possibility. "Petty. Theft."

Spike dusted himself off from being knocked over. "But you don’t have to worry about your crown being stolen, Twilight. Nopony else can even see it right now. Wasn’t the point of that spell to let you live like you normally do?"

"The point of that spell was to prevent whoever wrote that letter to the princess from finding out where the Elements really are, and even though nopony can see my crown right now, that doesn’t mean I can’t lose it or misplace it by being careless. This is probably the single most important task the princess has ever asked of me, and I intend to be responsible about it."

"But can’t you find a way to be responsible and still have a life?"

Twilight patted the dragon’s head as she walked past. "Don’t worry, Spike. I’ll have plenty of time to have a life as soon as this next week is over."

"Great," Spike stated flatly. He knew that this would be the longest week of his life considering the previous one had just recently broken that record.

"Now, speaking of that letter, did you get the snitchsage I asked for?" she asked, walking over to the wooden, circular table in the center of the room.

"Right here," Spike replied, holding up a jar containing a crudely-plucked purple flower with the roots still attached.

Twilight opened the jar with her magic and pulled the flower out of it. "Excellent! Now let's see if this will work." She grabbed the infamous letter off the table, its presence silently reminding her of the despair that was looming over them all.

"What did you need that flower for anyway? Needed to brighten up the room or something?" he joked as he too approached the table.

"Not quite, Spike. I’ve been reading this book on investigating mysterious objects, and it claims that the pollen from snitchsage is the easiest way to make magicprints appear."

"Magicprints?" Spike asked, scratching his head in confusion.

"They’re a bit arcane, I know. I’m scarcely familiar with them myself. The book describes them as special markings left on anything that’s been touched by some form of magic."

"You mean like magical hoofprints or clawprints?"

"Something like that, but magicprints are a bit...stickier. Once they get on something, nothing can ever remove them, not even magic."

"But I’ve seen you use magic on stuff all the time, and I’ve never seen any prints or anything before."

"That’s because they normally exist outside the visible color spectrum."

"They…wha?" Spike gave the unicorn a strange look.

"It means they’re usually invisible," Twilight replied with a hint of irritation in her voice. "It normally takes a very complicated spell to even be able to see them, but if this book is accurate, the snitchsage should make that task much easier."

"Okay, but aren’t you trying to figure out who wrote that letter? How will seeing the magicprints on it help us?"

"Simple, Spike. No two magicprints are the same. The creature who wrote this letter must have a lot of magic if it’s really as powerful as we anticipate, so it probably used magic on the letter at some point between writing it and delivering it. That means if we can find some magicprints on this letter…"

"Oh, I get it! Then all we have to do is find out who those magicprints belong to, and we’ll know who wrote the letter!"

"Exactly," Twilight affirmed as she carefully levitated the flower directly above the letter.

"But wait a second," Spike interjected before Twilight could begin. "You said not even Princess Celestia knew who wrote this letter. Even if we find their magicprints, where do we even start looking for them?"

"We’ll worry about that in a minute. Right now, let’s focus on finding out what the magicprints on this letter look like." Twilight shook the flower with her magic, making tiny specks of pollen gently fall onto the paper resting on the table. Almost immediately, three different sets of narrow, curly lines began appearing all over the page, each one made up of two distinct colors. One set was pink with purple swirls, another was white with bright gold stripes, and the last was a checkered pattern of blue and gray.

"Hey, it worked!" Spike shouted excitedly. "I see three different magicprints on here. Is one of them yours?"

"That’s right, Spike. The purple one’s mine, and the golden one belongs to Princess Celestia. Understandable since she used her magic to hold it as well."

"Then what about the other one? Whose magicprints are blue and silver?"

Rather than answer Spike’s question, Twilight slammed a large book about twice the size of a dictionary on the table next to the letter, almost knocking Spike off balance again. "This book lists the color schemes for the magicprints of every known magical creature in Equestria. It should tell us who that other set belongs to."

"Every single one? Where did you get that?" Spike asked as Twilight opened the large book to the first page.

"It was under ‘M’. Now let’s not waste any more time." Twilight immediately began flipping through the pages at a speed only a librarian could possess. After going through about seventy-eight pages, a grin appeared on her face, and she slammed her hoof onto the page with tremendous force.

"Got it!" she celebrated, sliding her hoof across the lengthy dotted line to see the name directly across from it. "It belongs to…Standing Still."

"Standing Still? Who’s that?"

"It’s one of the princess’s guards," Twilight replied, her grin slowly fading from her face.

Spike jumped up onto the table to get a better view. "Aha! So he was the one who wrote the letter!" He crossed his arms and shook his head. "Some guard he turned out to be."

"I don’t think he wrote it, Spike," Twilight doubted. "The princess said one of her guards was the one who originally found the letter and gave it to her. After seeing this, I’m thinking that guard was Standing Still."

"But…then wait a second." He grabbed the letter and looked it over again, flipping it over to check the back as well. "There aren’t any more magicprints on the letter! What does that mean?"

Twilight frowned. "This can only mean one thing, Spike. Whoever wrote this letter didn’t use any magic to write it, send it, or even hold it."

"What? That’s crazy! I mean, writing it and holding it, sure, even I can do that, but how do you make a letter appear from nowhere without using something like my fire breath or one of your teleport spells?"

"I have no idea, Spike, but it seems the princess was right for us to be concerned about this threat. This is my fifteenth attempt to figure out who or even what this creature is, and I still haven’t learned a thing about its identity. It seems that this "friend" of the princess isn’t exactly the approachable type."

"So, now what do we do?"

"There’s only one thing we can do: report our findings to the princess. So let’s get back to work on that letter!" Twilight immediately closed the gigantic book with her magic and walked over to place it back onto the bookshelf.

"Aw, come on, Twilight. We’ve been at this for a week already. Can’t we just take a break? Just a short one?"

Twilight twirled around and zipped back over towards Spike, placing her nose right against his. "A break? We just find out this thing can make things appear out of thin air using some power other than magic and you want to take a break?"

Spike, intimidated by his friend’s sudden disregard for his personal space, meekly replied, "Uh...yes?" He cracked a smile, desperately hoping that Twilight wasn’t about to go on another rant.

"Do I need to remind you that these are the Elements of Harmony we’re watching over here? Whatever wrote this letter made it very clear that it’s going to take them sometime before these two weeks are over unless we do something about it. I sincerely doubt that thing’s taking any breaks, and if we do, that’ll just be another advantage it’ll have over us."

Spike tried to say something, but he couldn’t halt Twilight’s momentum as she began pacing around the room.

"If the Elements get stolen, we can practically kiss all of Equestria good-bye. Can you imagine what would happen if we allowed that just because we were slacking off?"

"But I don’t think—"

"Oh, I’m sorry, Princess Celestia. I know we doomed Equestria and all its inhabitants forever through sheer and utter negligence, but we were just taking a break. I’m sure you understand."

"But Twilight, my claw is killing me!" Spike groaned. "Can’t we just relax for like an hour or so?"

"It’s out of the question, Spike. If we take a break now, we might as well just fork over the Elements and save us all the trouble."

"How about just five minutes?" he asked in a last ditch effort to get even a small chance to rest.

"I said no!" Twilight shouted, slamming her hoof on the table in a sudden burst of rage and propelling Spike off the side of it. He collided with the wall as Twilight menacingly turned toward him, her eyes gleaming as she tried to catch her breath from her spontaneous outburst.

Then she blinked and put her hoof to her head, groaning softly and closing one of her eyes. Calming down, she looked back at her utterly disturbed assistant with remorse. "I’m sorry, Spike. All this stress must be getting to me."

Spike slowly got back on his feet, his eyes shimmering with concern. "Twilight, don’t you see? You need to take a break. It’s just not healthy to work this long without one."

Twilight rubbed her head, trying to soothe her new splitting headache. "I just can’t do that, Spike. There’s still another week left to guard the Elements of Harmony, and I have to put that responsibility first."

"But what about your friends? They all seem to be doing fine, and I bet they’ve taken plenty of breaks."

"All the more reason…for me to stay right here." Twilight quickly recollected herself and staggered over to look through one of the many telescopes that had been set up to point out each of the library’s windows. Peeking through the one closest to her, she could see Fluttershy in town handing out flyers to a few random citizens in Ponyville, still wearing her necklace. "I need to keep an eye on them and make sure they remember how important this assignment is."

"That’s what you’ve been using these things for all week?" Spike asked as he looked through the telescope closest to him. He could see a necklace-wearing Rainbow Dash drearily looking up at the sky, her right back leg rapidly twitching.

"Isn’t that kind of…wrong?" Spike asked, taking his eye away from the telescope, feeling slightly ashamed.

"Sure it’s a little invasive, but privacy’s a small price to pay for the safety of everypony in Equestria," Twilight responded as she shifted to another telescope. "Besides, clearly my friends aren’t as serious about protecting the Elements as I am, and as their friend it’s my job to be there for them when they mess up."

Twilight looked through the next telescope to see Pinkie Pie scarfing down a large, vertical stack of cupcakes over at Sugarcube Corner, her necklace also still on.

"You mean if they mess up, right?" Spike asked as he looked back towards the purple mare.

"Right, what did I say?"

"Never mind." Spike walked back over to his nosy friend as she continued going on about her ideas as she surveyed the town through her ocular device.

"Anyway, Spike, about that letter. I’m going to need you to go out and buy some more paper for it. It seems we used it all up over the course of this past week."

"Gee, I wonder why?" Spike asked, stretching his aching claw muscles.

"Oh, and could you go upstairs and get my book on magical innovations before you go? I was up late last night looking it over to see if I could find any more spells that could help us be more prepared. It should still be on my bed." Twilight looked through the next telescope to see her friend Applejack angrily bucking a tree.

"Fine, I’ll be right back." Spike walked back up the stairs feeling rather annoyed. Once out of earshot, he thought aloud, "Twilight really needs to calm down. Why does she have to take everything so seriously? It’s already been a week and nothing’s even happened yet."

Spike reached the second floor as Twilight continued checking her telescope. However, before silence could take over the library, a panicked cry sounded out as a wide-eyed creature burst through the front door. It seemed they had an unexpected guest.

Monday, March 31

Remember when I went out to buy my toothbrush this morning? Life seemed so much simpler back then. Supernature ignored me as nature always intended, my hands were normal and uninteresting, and I was able to placidly contemplate unimportant nothings without a care in the world. However, I'm starting to think that this may not be the first time the goo and I have met.

I'm sure I walked right past this spot this morning. It was dark and I was exhausted. Plus, I had just conversed with someone. I could have walked through a wall made of cacti and faulty wiring without noticing. However, I can't deny that my hands are now inexplicably shinier than average, and having answers that create more questions is one of the surest testaments to supernature being responsible.

It’s hard to believe that I’ve been walking around with supernaturally enhanced hands all day without even realizing. I suppose that when a travelling circus snubs you your entire life, you don’t notice when they offer you some peanuts and invite you up to the trapeze.

Even so, it’s been kind of nice to have my own personal supernatural entity to stare at for these past thirty minutes while I sit here next to it trying to keep warm from the impossibly cold weather. About seven people have transitioned in to buy something from the store beside me, and none of them even glanced at it, so either I’m the only one who can see it or I’m so unattractive that none of them could bear to look in my general direction.

Anyway, I’m sure you’re all wondering what happened after I stuck my hand into this goop and it ate me and everything. Sorry, I would have opened with that, but I wanted to mentally repress that experience for as long as possible. It’s not that getting swallowed whole by some unidentified goop thing was discomforting. I mean, slimy is my favorite texture. I’m actually referring to what happened right after I was swallowed whole.

The goop spit me back out.

I just…I don’t understand. Do I not taste good? Is that why supernature’s never liked me? Why did the goop eat me in the first place then? Did it not realize who I was at first? That might make sense since it doesn’t have eyes, but shouldn’t it have remembered me from when I walked through it this morning? Maybe it’s a supernatural Goospitter, one of those faceless monsters that likes to swallow people completely and then spit them back out. I mean, I made that creature up just now, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true.

I wasn't even expecting that much from it. Even if it just spit me out and created an evil doppelganger of me that vowed to ruin my life, I would at least have had an interesting way to spend the rest of the afternoon. Sadly, nothing even close to that exciting has happened yet, so I suppose I can add "weird gooey thing" to my list of supernatural disappointments.

Although, I am confused as to why it’s still here. From my experiences, it should have spit me out, blown a raspberry at me, poked me in the eye, and then vanished, taking the shine off my hands and the rest of my hopes and dreams with it. Then I’d find it posting online about how bad I taste sometime later today. However, strangely all it did was the spitting part. Both my hands and the goo went back to shining and floating respectively, and now they’re both enticing me with their tantalizing weirdness.

After that first attempt, I naturally got too nervous to try again after my mind turned back on, and now I’m having more doubts about the whole thing. That means I’m right back where I started. I’m sitting here in the middle of the icy springtime weather staring blankly at some floating goo with no idea what it is or what I should even do about it.

"You should walk away. You know this will lead to nothing but trouble."

I wince as I hear the familiar quiet nagging voice in my right ear, although unlike the other voices from nowhere I’ve heard today, I’ve been expecting this one for the past half hour.

Almost immediately, the voice is followed by another equally nagging yet slightly deeper voice from the other side of my head. "Who cares how much trouble it’ll cause? As long as you get what you want, that's all that matters, right?"

Hello, gentlemen. How kind of you to show up even later than usual.

"I heard that," both of them shout at me as I stand back up to stretch my legs.

"Honestly, you have no manners inside that head of yours," the white robed one says as he lands on my shoulder. "You’re always thinking such rude thoughts. Can’t you just once be as nice on the inside as you pretend to be towards other people? When was the last time you even meant one of those half-baked smiles you give everyone?"

"Don’t listen to him," the other one says, skillfully twirling his pitchfork. "If you can’t get arrested for it, it’s not wrong."

What took you two so long, anyway? Did Devil Me say it wasn’t worth coming again?

"Are you kidding?" my tiny devilish counterpart says. "You think we’d really show up with the two gallons of rain you had pouring down on your head? Do I look like I can afford to get sick right now?"

The rain stopped thirty minutes ago, Your Highness.

"True, but it’s still freezing cold out here. Count yourself lucky we showed up at all."

Yes, I feel so lucky right now, because of how much assistance you’re providing me.

"Now, none of that," Angel Me says. "We do our best, or at least I do, but you have to remember that we have lives as well. It can’t always be about you, you know."

Fine, just give me the standard spiel and leave me alone.

"Well, if that’s going to be your attitude…" Angel Me starts.

"We’ll be more than happy to," Devil Me finishes for him, receiving a glare from his angelic clone. He places his tiny arm partially around my neck and kicks off the debate.

"This is a no-brainer, mental floss. Your boring, nobody-cares-about-it dream just took an anvil to the face, and now the only fun dream you’ve ever had is jiggling around right there. What are you waiting for, an invitation?"

"This is about more than just fun, mister," Angel Me chimes in. "Need I remind you that you have four hours of physics homework to do tonight? Not to mention you need to start working on your final term paper for psychology. You don’t even have a topic yet. How could you possibly have the time to get involved with anything like this?"

"All right, I’ll give you a topic," Devil Me says with a snort. "A pathetic guy with too much brain and no backbone gets rejected by supernatural stuff all his life. Then one just pops up in front of him like a title card, so he goes back to his apartment to do homework. Discuss in detail what the frozen facepalm made this moron decide to make this insane decision. Don’t forget to cite your sources."

Angel Me, now looking pretty irritated, flies off my shoulder and shouts, "Allow me to remind you that you’ve already tried using this goop once. It didn’t work then, so what makes you think it will work later?"

Devil Me also flies up to make his rebuttal. "That’s why you have to make it work. You need to march right up to that goo and show it who’s boss. You’ll probably fail at that too, but it’ll at least be funny to watch."

"You see?" Angel Me declares, accusingly pointing toward his counterpart. "Even he doesn’t think you can accomplish anything with this goo, and even if you could, why would you want to? Remember what you considered earlier. For all you know, this goo is a one-way trip to twenty-five seasons into the future. You’d have to spend the rest of your life catching up with all that missed work. Are you really willing to take that kind of risk?"

No, of course not. Why do you think I’m still here? You do have a point, though. It’s not like that risk is just going to disappear. Maybe some dreams were just meant to stay dream-ow!

I feel the sharp pitchfork stick into my left shoulder as Devil Me takes his turn to be irritated. "What do you think you’re doing? Don’t tell me you’re actually listening to that guy!"

It’s not that I-

Angel Me speaks up in my defense. "He doesn’t have to listen to you every time, Iddy. He does have free will, you know."

"Okay, one, don’t call me Iddy," Devil Me says, directing his attention toward the one clothed in white. "Two, why don’t you take a look at the great job this guy did with all that free will? When was the last time he even got involved with the main story?"

Give me a break. I’ve had a lot of homework. Besides, minor characters don’t-

"I told him getting into all that brainy stuff was a bad idea," Devil Me says. "He didn’t listen to me then either, and that led to him making the dumbest mistake of his life for the last eight seasons. I can’t believe it took this long for him to finally throw it away."

You know, I know you were never fond of my interest in psychology, but you could at least remember I’m right here!

Devil Me suddenly turns back to me after that thought. "And there’s something you need to remember too, Bejeepers." His glare makes me hang my head in shame.

"Calm down, Iddy," Angel Me cuts in again. "It was just one good deed."

"Oh yeah?" Devil Me asks him even though the question is obviously directed towards me. He looks me right in the eye and spits out some questions at me like a supernatural Goospitter. "Then how about that heroic sacrifice you pulled today with Rook? Another good deed, was it?"

That’s different! Rook and I are both—

"Also, what about that touching little sob story you were telling your audience last chapter? Are you trying to garner sympathy from them now?"

What? No! I was just-ow!

He pulls the pitchfork out of my shoulder and twirls it around some more in his hand. "Don’t go soft on me, Mr. Hero. You didn’t forget what you are, did you?"

Why would I forget something like that?

He smiles at the sound of my tone, revealing the four sharp fangs at the front of his mouth. His eyes shine bright with enthusiasm as if he’s watching me rob a bank, and he tenderly commands, "Then say it. What are you?"

I’m an antagonist.

He puts a hand to his horn as if he didn’t hear me. "I’m sorry, what was that?"

I’m an antagonist, all right? I add conflict to the main story to keep things interesting. Are you going to make me tell you my gender next?

"Maybe later. First though, I just wanted to make sure you remember how this works. Donut Head and I give our little back and forth while you stand there and look pretty. After we’re done, you basically go with whatever I tell you, and you give him a few pity victories when you get too close to the moral event horizon." He points his finger toward Angel Me who seems to be pouting that he’s bringing all this up again.

Come on, Devil Me. This isn’t even really question of right versus wrong. It’s more like work versus play. Besides, even if it is a moral quandary, I’m just a minor antagonist. I’m not even a major minor antagonist like Rook. I can have some white in my morality if I want.

"Fine, go ahead," he huffs, turning away from me in disgust. "Be a good guy. Do your homework. Brush your teeth. Eat your vegetables. Give puppies to orphans. It’s your life you’re throwing away here."

You know I don’t want to be a good guy! None of them know how to think!

"Then what do you want?" Angel Me asks, placing his hand on my shoulder.

I…I don’t know! That’s what you two came here to help me decide, right?

"I’m sorry, it looks like our time here is up," Devil Me nonchalantly replies as he checks his watch and disappears in a puff of smoke and condescension.

Cold move, Devil Me. Cold move.

Once he’s gone, I turn back to my holier half and ask him out loud, "Now what? I’m basically choosing between my life and my dream here. How do I make that kind of decision?"

Angel Me seems to be really lost in thought about how to respond. Eventually, he admits, "Well, legally, I’m required to tell you to make the responsible choice."

I understand. We don’t need any lawyers getting involved.

"However, as a friend, let me say this. You’re the one with the shiny hands here, so this is completely your decision. No one else can make it for you. I can’t, Iddy can’t, and not even your audience can. This one’s all on you."

But that’s my whole problem. What if I make the wrong choice? What if I regret that choice for the rest of my life?

Angel Me pauses for a second to consider his response. "Don’t worry about any of that. There is no wrong choice here. There’s only the one you choose to make. If your future self decides to regret it later, just remind him that he did what his past self thought was best."

I turn my head to the side to look at him. With a look of absolute seriousness that I only make when I’m studying for exams, he tells me, "Antagonist or not, this is your life. You need to do this your way."

After that, Angel Me disappears as well in a bright flash of light. He probably couldn’t stand the cold any more than I can right now.

I check my watch again to see that it’s now 9:24. Only about six minutes until my apple juice starts wearing off.

This is it. I need to decide right now. Do I keep trying the goo or carry on with my normal life?

I take a moment to consider Angel Me’s final words of advice as I sit back down, trying to bundle up from the dry, frigid winds.

I need to do this my way? Well, knowing me, my way is to spend a ridiculous amount of time asking myself question after question until reaching a conclusion about four seconds after it's too late. That’ll take more than six minutes though, so I need a more expeditious solution. There’s probably something critical I’m overlooking that could force me to make my decision right now. I’m sure my roommate could tell me what it is. I bet he’s still at our dining room table, waiting for me to come back like a starving deer that wants to talk to me.

Ready when you are, Goopy.

Sunday, March 30

"Twilight!"

Rarity burst through the door to the library as dramatically as one might expect from the white unicorn. Her necklace shined brightly around her neck, and a purple bag rested squarely on her back to match her somewhat bedraggled mane. Her eyes held nothing but unbridled fear and desperation as she directed them toward her friend.

"Twilight, you’ll never believe what travesty has befallen me this morning!"

"What’s the matter, Rarity?" Twilight asked in panic, almost matching Rarity’s level of concern. "Did something try to make off with your necklace? Did my spell somehow wear off?"

Rarity’s troubled expression was replaced by a somewhat confused one. "Of course not, darling. My necklace is still in perfect condition; although, I do regret that I’m unable to show off how lovely it looks to anypony else." Rarity took a moment to admire her necklace, quickly removing all the anxiety from her appearance.

"Well, if your necklace is fine, then what’s got you so upset?" Twilight asked, now sounding more annoyed than concerned.

The white mare’s flustered attitude suddenly came rushing back. "Oh, right! You would not believe it, Twilight! It was…I was…oh! Just take a look for yourself!" Rarity opened the bag she was carrying and levitated an orange cloth about the size of one of her dresses out of it. She held it up in front of her friend’s face and waited for an appropriate response.

"Well?" Rarity asked after a second or two of staring at her friend in utter silence.

"Um...it certainly is very…orange," Twilight uttered indecisively.

"Exactly! I ordered a huge supply of fabric for the creation my new spring line. It was supposed to be a vibrant assortment of springtime colors which would allow me to truly express my creative soul this season! However, when I opened that vile package, the only color I saw was…was…this! It’s simply dreadful, Twilight. Absolutely dreadful!"

Twilight gave Rarity a strange look. "I’m sorry, Rarity. I don’t follow. What’s so bad about orange?"

Rarity scoffed, her mouth falling agape. "'What’s so bad' is that I purchased a very expensive collection of sapphires last week which I had planned to use in my designs this spring. I bought enough to last me until late April! Do you know what color sapphires are, Twilight?" Rarity placed her nose right up against Twilight’s as she asked her question, squinting her eyes in vehemence.

"Um…blue?" Twilight’s eyes nervously glanced from left to right.

"They’re blue! How am I supposed to use blue gems with an orange fabric? I could manage if it were a lovely yellow or even a decent crimson, but orange? Certainly not." Rarity stuck her nose in the air, resentfully dropping the fabric to the ground.

"I’m sorry you’re having this problem, Rarity, but what exactly do you want me to about it?" Twilight asked, taking a step away from her distressed friend. "I’m a little busy at the moment guarding my Element, and frankly you should be too."

"Of course, of course, I’ve got it all under control." Rarity waved her hoof as if she were swatting away Twilight’s comment. "However, you see, there’s not enough time for me to order any new fabric before my next deadline, so I need to borrow Spike so I can go find some new gemstones to complement all this…ugh, orange." Rarity strolled right past her friend as she began looking for the dragon’s whereabouts.

Spike, hearing his name mentioned by perfection incarnate, cartoonishly zoomed back down the stairs at mach speed, prepared to cater to her every need. He stopped on a dime in front of the two unicorns, bowed, and chivalrously declared, "You called, milady?"

"Oh, good, Spike. There you are. Let’s be off, shall we? If we leave now, I can start designing my new outfits before sundown." Rarity tossed the dragon the bag she was carrying, which he caught through natural instinct alone, and gleefully strolled back toward the exit.

As Spike adoringly floated after the white unicorn, the bag he was holding was suddenly jerked back by an aura of purple magic.

"What are you thinking, Rarity?" Twilight asked, holding Spike in mid-air. "You can’t just go out looking for gems while wearing that necklace! What if something happened to it?"

Rarity stopped. "Oh Twilight, let’s be serious now," she lightheartedly chuckled. "This is Rarity you’re talking to here. I invented the word 'careful'. I assure you that I will let nothing happen to this necklace just as I promised the princess." Rarity grabbed hold of the bag Spike was holding with her own magic and pulled it back toward herself.

Twilight refocused her magical grip on the purple bag, causing a now concerned Spike to jerk to a stop. "We need to be more than just careful. We need to be prepared. What if this threat attacks while you’re off getting these gems? How are we supposed to use the Elements of Harmony to stop it if we’re one short?"

"Twilight, come now. We’ll only be gone for a few hours. What are the odds something like that would happen now?" Rarity pulled harder on the bag, yanking Spike slightly closer towards her.

"Uh, girls?" Spike tried to protest as he helplessly continued being pulled back between the two unicorns.

"It doesn’t matter what the odds are, Rarity. The creature who sent the princess that letter is still out there, and we still have no idea what it’s capable of." Twilight pulled Spike back again as she finished her thought.

"Well, if this letter-writer is as powerful as you claim it to be, why is it keeping us waiting? It’s been over seven days now, and we haven’t heard so much as a peep from it." Rarity jerked Spike back right on cue.

"I don’t know. Maybe it’s just waiting for one of us to go off on some kind of crazy gem-hunting expedition so we can’t use the Elements against it," Twilight said, pulling Spike again as she started to get angry.

"Crazy? Why, I never!" Rarity let go of the bag upon hearing Twilight’s outlandish statement, sending Spike flying backwards into the wall again from the force of Twilight still pulling on it. "My entire career is on the line right now, Twilight! Need I remind you that it’s the spring, the season of life and inspiration? That means if I don’t create something inspiring this season, my life will be over!"

"Rarity, please, you’re being ridiculous! I’m sure you’ll be fine no matter what colors you use. Besides, Spike doesn't have the time to go on anywhere with you. He’s got some important errands to run for me, right, Spike?"

Spike got back onto his feet in a daze, trying to figure out which of the three Twilights was the one talking to him.

"Now if you don’t mind, I have some very important work of my own I need to get back to, and I’d appreciate it if I could do it without somepony screaming my ear off." Twilight walked back over towards the table to organize the loose collection of papers resting on it as Spike finally got the room to stop spinning by using Rarity to hold himself steady.

"Oh! So now I’m annoying you, am I?" Rarity asked, closing her eyes in dissatisfaction. "Well then, why don’t you use that horn of yours to send me someplace where I can’t bother you? Personally, I'd suggest the old ruby mines right outside of Ponyville? Of course, you’ll probably need to send someone to make sure I don’t come back. I know! Why not Spike?"

"For the last time, Rarity, you’re not going!" Twilight violently shouted as she turned back around to her two friends, forcing them backwards with merely the ferocity of her tone. Before either of them could respond, Twilight grabbed her head and winced in pain. She started to feel lightheaded and was forced to take a seat on the floor.

"Are you feeling okay, Twilight?" Rarity asked out of genuine concern. "Your head isn’t still sore from that nasty bump you received last week, is it?"

"I’m fine, Rarity, and I’m sorry, but this situation is simply too dire to risk one of us going off on our own right now. We all need to stay in Ponyville to be ready in case the threat in the letter turns out to really be that great."

Rarity took a few moments to consider the whole ordeal before saying anything. "Very well, Twilight. A lady doesn’t place her own selfish desires first when she made a promise. I’ll just be on my way now." Rarity gathered up her belongings, casually strolled back out the front door, and silently closed it shut behind her.

As soon as Rarity was gone, Twilight turned her attention back to her work. "All right, Spike, did you grab that book for me while you were up–"

Suddenly, the door swung back open and a familiar white unicorn ran back inside, throwing herself onto the ground in front of Twilight’s hooves and looking twice as frazzled as before. Twilight and Spike both jumped in surprise at her abrupt reappearance.

"Oh, please, please, please, please, please, Twilight! That orange fabric will destroy my boutique’s reputation if I don’t find a better color to use with it! You simply must let me borrow Spike to go find some new gems. Would you have me grovel?"

"Rarity, it’s not that big of a deal," Twilight assured trying to reason with her friend. "As soon as this week is over and we return the Elements of Harmony to the princess, I’ll be more than happy to let you take Spike to find your gems."

Spike smiled as he heard the sweet melody of Twilight’s statement.

"However, until then, I’m afraid my hooves are tied," Twilight declared as firmly as she could.

Rarity sniffed and stood back up on her four legs, attempting to regain her composure. "Very well. I understand. I’ll simply just tell my clients that the only outfits I can make for them for the next week are those one would find on a traveling street performer—oh, please, Twilight! Let me take Spike!" Rarity threw herself on the ground once more, tearlessly crying as loudly as she could.

Twilight sighed. This was going to take a while.

Monday, March 31

What a wonderful way I’ve chosen to spend my day.

How do I begin to describe such an amazing experience? After my second attempt to be eaten by the goo, the miracle solution swallowed me whole and turned me into a ghost. It gave me all the standard ghost powers. I could fly through the air, walk through walls, and even alter the BGM to become minor key. I started by flying around and scaring people before moving on to scaring people and flying around. After that, I got a call from those ghosts who locked me out of their house all those years ago, and they invited me to their house for some ghost games and spectral pie. When I got there, the Bogeyman, that lake monster, and an army of zombies were also there waiting for me. They told me they had been waiting all these years to collectively provide the most incredible experience of my life in one exciting, paranormal day of fun. After about eight hours of nonstop excitement and adventure, I showed them the flyers that Rook made, and they all decided to join the tennischess club. Then, after I got all the adventuring out of my system, my interest in psychology came suddenly rushing back like an angry flock of birds. It was the greatest day of my life, and I’ll never forget it for as long as I live. The end.

Wouldn’t it have been nice if that had really happened?

Personally, I think it would have been nice if any of those things had actually happened. However, that’s not the way life wants to play this game with me. I didn’t turn into a ghost, I didn’t get my interest in psychology back, I didn’t play capture the flag with a bunch of zombies and a lake monster, and I didn’t even get any pie.

It’s such a shame too because I’m starving so badly I’m considering eating the pavement I’m standing on. I suppose one would say it’s not rational to spend twelve hours straight attempting to get some goopy stuff to swallow you up and make something interesting happen, but I think one actually knows what he’s talking about this time. I’ve done a bunch of experimentation to try to make it work, but it stands to reason that I've accomplished less than nothing. I’ve tried reaching both hands in, I’ve tried going in feet and head first, and I’ve even tried complimenting it on how perfectly it can float in one place. However, no matter what I try, it always ends with me being jettisoned out of it like a champagne cork. I’ve tried this 437 times now, and now I’m starting to get a little frustrated.

I’m so exhausted that I could very well be sleep-narrating right now, so forgive me if I’m not as sensible as I usually are. Now that the sun’s gone down, the weather’s gotten so cold it’s turned my skin blue, and I think I'm shivering so much that someone could use me as an automatic massage chair. Most people would probably be telling me to give up right now; however, as a former psychology enthusiast, I know perfectly well that I can’t do that. This is the sunk cost effect. I’ve invested too much time into this now to just walk away. I will get my adventure whether I want it or no.

I just don’t see what I’m doing wrong. Knowing my luck, this is one of those lousy "pure of heart" things, and some self-righteous protagonist is going to show up and effortlessly get it to work for him on his first try. Then I’ll end up getting another meaningless lesson about how much better protagonists are as people and maybe another one about friendship or something. I won’t accept that. I will not be defeated by goo. Or friendship.

I stand up to face my gooey opponent and ready my right hand for yet another attempt. Just as before, I shove my shiny hand straight into the center of the messy gunk, causing it to begin its signature digestion process right down my arm and across my body.

So far, so good.

It continues down towards my legs, up towards my neck, and it seems to be moving even faster than usual. It’s possible that it’s getting as frustrated with this whole ordeal as I am. Eventually, it reaches my head again, and I feel a very faint twinge of excitement as it prepares to envelope me completely. For whatever reason, possibly sheer exhaustion, I truly believe it’s going to work this time.

It’s not going to work, is it?

That’s the last thought that crosses my mind as everything suddenly goes dark, and I’m graced with the pleasure of that familiar feeling of being forcefully ejected from the implacable glob. This time, though, it expels me so forcefully that I slam into the wall of the convenience store face first, slide down the wall onto my stomach, and my daze halo turns on for a few seconds as I turn over onto my back.

All right, that’s it! I can handle spending twelve hours of getting spit out by something that almost looks like spit. I can handle being hungry, tired, confused, and blue all at once. I’m not too thrilled about the cold, but I’m willing to overlook that right now. However, I was voted "Least Likely To Be Slammed Into Walls By Random Happenstance" in the yearbook, and I won’t let that goo spit on the only meaningful scrap of pride I have left! Forget what Angel Me said! Devil Me was right this time! I need to do this the way I was always meant to do! The antagonist way!

I pull out my beloved mallet from my hammerspace which I feel especially glad to have at a time like this. I kiss it on the head and lean back in preparation to swing it right on top of the goo, and then, completely disregarding how ridiculous it makes me look, I verbally declare, "All right, Mr. Goo, now it’s time for you to make a decision. You can give me what I’m asking for or this mallet touches down where your face should be."

The goo floats mysteriously in response, making me even more frustrated in my sleep-deprived state. "No response, huh? Fine, let’s see how big of a stain you make on the pavement!" I bring the hammer straight down, smacking into the center of the goo, clearly having no idea what I’m even doing anymore. As the hammer makes contacts with the goo, it responds as it always does. It starts eating the hammer.

If I had more common sense at my disposal right now, I probably could have seen that coming, but after it finishes devouring my prized possession and I finally realize my mistake, it manages to surprise me again.

It doesn’t spit the hammer back out.

Wait, so it’ll eat my hammer, but not me? How does that work? The hammer doesn’t even have shiny hands! None of this makes any sense! Okay, I’m not frustrated anymore. Now I’m mad!

I rear back and punch the goo right in the same spot I usually stick my hand in it, finding it to be suddenly much harder of a surface than usual. I recoil in pain, and my hand turns bright red, doubling in size as it throbs from the impact. Upon further inspection via a much softer touch from my other hand, I find that the hammer I’d just lost is resting right inside the goo somehow even though I can’t see it from the outside.

Clever, Goo. First, you take my hammer, and then you use it against me? Clever, but foolish! Because now you’ve made me twice as angry!

After a quick call to Acme, I take my newly acquired giant rubber band and tie one end to the newspaper stand behind me and the other end to the streetlamp directly across from it. I pull on the cord to make sure I tied it securely enough before I begin pulling it backwards. I turn around to face the goo as I prepare to use the cord to slingshot myself right into it. I feel completely confident this idea will work. That goo’s either going to finally eat me or become several chunks of goo splattered all across the campus. I release my hold on the cord, and the tension shoots me forward and I smack straight into the goo at full force.

This was not a good idea.

A large bump springs out of the top of my head as I land back onto the ground after colliding with that hammer again. I’m greeted with the pleasure of my daze halo for the fourth time today, only this time it’s a lot more embarrassing since it was purely self-inflicted.

You’re not going to win, Goo! Do you hear me? You are going to give me my adventure, and nothing is going to stop me from getting it out of you! Nothing!

"Well, well, well, didn’t expect to see you again so soon, kid," a raspy voice calls from nowhere as the temperature drops below freezing.

Why? Why me? Why now?

"Stuck in gum again or are you just admiring my lovely handiwork?" the North wind says as it immediately lets loose some of its intolerable laughter.

This is your fault, isn’t it, Goo? You called this natural disaster in to add insult to somewhat comical injury!

I stand back up to reveal my meaningless automatic smile that’s too hardwired into my brain for me to resist. The wind finally stops laughing, but the agony carries on. "What’s wrong, kid? You forget how to talk now? What are you doing out here anyway?"

"Um, well," I start, not really knowing what to say.

I could tell him the truth, but I just know he’ll laugh. I need to do my best to avoid that right now.

"Oh, I know, you’re coming back from today’s big extraterrestrial invasion, aren’t you?"

Hearing a conceivable answer to his question, I instantly latch right onto it. "Oh, yeah I–"

Could you repeat that using different words and an overall meaning?

"I gotta say you humans sure know how to counterattack. I bet the East wind my entire hurricane season that the aliens would win, but they didn’t even last three rounds."

"I…there was a...?" I stammer, almost speaking less eloquently than I normally do when talking to someone.

"Still, it was fun to watch. Looks like it really did a number around here especially."

I take my eyes off the goo for a second to look at my surroundings, and it takes all my remaining willpower to keep my jaw from slamming against the sidewalk. It’s a bit dark now that the sun’s gone down, but I can clearly see the wreckage and debris of the skirmish that must have taken place to cause it all. Based on the number of destroyed flying saucers, it’s clear that the battle must have been worth the price of admission.

"Anyway, it’s been nice chatting with you again, but Mom says I need to start wrapping things up over here." The wind pats me on the shoulder as I kneel on the pavement in a dumbfounded stupor. "I guess I’ll see you around, kid."

The air around me starts to feel a bit warmer as the wind’s presence vanishes, though it is still rather cold. However, I don’t care how warm it is right now. I’m completely lost in my own exhausted rage.

This can’t be right! Nothing supernatural ever happens on this campus! How could it happen today? How could I not notice it? You think I'd at least notice the change in BGM when the invasion started. Are you telling me I was so involved with this goo that I tuned it all out as noise?

My eyes fall back onto the source of everything I blame for my troubles today as my teeth turn jagged in my anger.

Twelve hours! I spent twelve hours on you, and what’s my reward? An injured hand, a bump on my head, and a missed chance at an actual opportunity to live my dream without all this effort. I don’t care how weird and interesting you look! I’m done with you! I want nothing to do with so much as the word ‘goo’ for the rest of my life! Curse you, Goo! Curse you! Curse your family! Curse your job! Curse your favorite brand of soda! Curse your preferred choice of shampoo! Curse whatever sick being created you to do this to me! Curse me for believing you could be the answer to any dream of mine!

It hits me that I’ve resorted to cursing, so I decide to focus on something else before I dedicate my life to destroying all things gooey and becoming the supervillain known as Dry Heat. I take a minute to remember how my brain works before turning around to the convenience store behind me.

I’m right here. I might as well buy my spare toothbrush. At least then I won’t have completely wasted my time.

I open the front door to the store and walk inside, setting off the tiny bell as the door brushes up against it.

Just Leave Me Alone

Chpt. 9 - Just Leave Me Alone

Sunday, March 30

Diamond Tiara was correct about one thing: Apple Bloom wasn’t hurt that badly. Frankly, the emotional trauma from the whole experience was much worse than any of the physical damage. After Diamond pounced on her, the pink filly immediately latched her teeth onto Apple Bloom’s left ear and refused to let go. Being unable to stand back up, Apple Bloom desperately tried apologizing for whatever it was she did wrong, but all she received in response was a menacing growling noise and a very unsettling glare. She even tried rolling around in the dirt to loose her tiara-less classmate’s grip, but Diamond clamped down on that ear like it was a chocolate chip cookie, refusing to show even the smallest amount of give as she was jerked from side to side.

The chomping session continued until Sweetie Belle brought out Miss Cheerilee to intervene. The teacher tried asking Diamond Tiara to stop, but her student seemed to be having a problem with ears that afternoon. Eventually, the four spectators and donkey managed to pry the two apart, and Apple Bloom managed to come out with only a few tooth marks on her ear and a slightly crooked bow on her head. After receiving some minor first-aid and some comforting words from her teacher, Apple Bloom and her two friends fled the scene before any more surprise attacks could be launched.

Big McIntosh wasn’t too thrilled when he found out what had happened, but after meeting with Miss Cheerilee the following day, he was truly moved by her concern for each of her students and trusted that she had everything under control. Granny Smith wasn’t too happy to hear what happened either, but she ended up forgetting what Big McIntosh was telling her before he finished. Apple Bloom was pretty upset about it all herself until her friends started suggesting some crusading exploits to get her mind off it. After a few rounds of innocent mischief, she was basically over the entire thing. One Apple family member, however, wasn’t ready to let it go just yet.

Thanks to her own dangerous battle with a malignant force, Applejack hadn’t found out about the incident until the afternoon after the day it happened, and, thankfully for Mr. Rich’s sake, she hadn’t been there to attend that meeting with Cheerilee. She was downright furious when she first heard about it, and, an entire week later, her anger had only dropped by about half a scowl. Applejack was angrier than a tennis racket being used for badminton, but the main problem she was having wasn't that she couldn't let go of her anger. Her problem was that she no longer knew why she was so angry.

At first, she thought she was just upset that her sister had been hurt, but after even Apple Bloom basically forgot about it, she was surprised to find her anger hadn't even diminished in the slightest. Clearly there was something else about all this that was bothering her, but she just couldn’t place her hoof on it. She did know that every time she thought about what happened, she felt as if somepony had just kicked her square in the gut and then done the same to her sister while she watched helplessly.

She couldn’t lie to herself. She was definitely still upset, and as she attempted to blow off some steam again by working the apple fields, she continued struggling to understand why. Whatever the reason was, though, her pent-up rage was bending the trees with each kick. In fact, Applejack was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t even notice her brother standing right behind her until he spoke up.

"Hey there, AJ, I see you’re back out here working again. Everything okay?" Big McIntosh asked.

Applejack turned around to face the red stallion as she bucked the tree she was standing under. "A course I’m okay, Big McIntosh, and why wouldn’t I be out here working? It’s the beginning of spring, and the apples just turned ripe for harvestin’. Matter a fact, why ain’t you out here helping me?"

Big Mac stared at his sister for a moment, a disturbed frown across his face, "You’re bucking an empty tree, Applejack."

Applejack stopped and glanced up at tree she had just kicked to find there wasn’t a single apple left on it. In fact, she had kicked the tree so much that there weren’t any leaves left on it either. She had been so caught up in all this emotional riffraff that she had completely forgotten about actually harvesting the apples.

"Why didn’t y’all tell me that earlier?" Applejack shouted at her brother. "Here I am wasting all this time bucking an apple tree with no apples, and my own brother’s just standing there watching and making fun of me for it."

Applejack stormed away from the tree, walking past her brother as she spotted a less barren one a few feet away. "Well, come on then. We still got a lot of work to do if we're gonna finish 'fore sundown."

"Is there a problem, Applejack? You seem upset," Big Mac said, not even turning his head.

Applejack stopped in her tracks underneath the foliage of her selected apple tree and slowly looked back towards her brother. She really didn’t want anypony knowing she was still upset about the whole Apple Bloom situation. She wasn’t the type of pony to dwell on the past like this. Besides, she didn’t even know why she was upset, and trying to explain it would just be awkward for everypony involved.

"Only problem I got right now is a lazy brother who keeps sticking his nose in other ponies’ business," Applejack said with a completely straight face.

Big Mac remained stagnant to Applejack’s retort, still facing away from her. "You just seem a bit distracted is all."

Applejack bucked the tree, sending all of its apples tumbling into the collection of wooden buckets waiting patiently underneath it. "Well, I am talking to you. That’s pretty distracting while I’m trying to do some actual work. How about some of that help I was just talking about?"

Big Mac slightly raised his voice without changing his tone. "You know what I’m talking about, AJ. Something’s bothering you, and it’s not me."

Applejack bucked another nearby tree, seemingly unfazed by his words. "That’s just crazy talk, Big Mac. What would possibly make you think that?" Applejack asked.

"Well, I’ve been watching you out here all week, and I noticed you seem much angrier at the apple trees than usual," Big Mac noted.

"Oh, that?" Applejack hesitated. "I’m just uh, trying some new bucking techniques. You know, seeing if I can work faster by addin’ some more kick to it and all that."

After another short pause, Big Mac finally turned around to ask, "You’re sure it doesn’t have anything to do with what happened to Apple Bloom last week?"

Applejack struck the third tree like it had just insulted her, replying in a much more frustrated tone, "Why in tarnation would I still be thinking about that? Apple Bloom ain't even hurt no more."

Big Mac paused again before answering. "Well, you were pretty steamed when I first told ya. Maybe you’re worried it’ll happen again."

Applejack, keeping the same amount of frustration in her voice as before, bucked the next tree as if it had just insulted her entire family. "I honestly doubt Cheerilee is gonna let anything like that happen again."

"Well, maybe you’re still mad at that one filly for hurtin’ Apple Bloom in the first place," Big Mac suggested as he followed his sister on her applebucking rampage.

Applejack feverishly bucked the next three trees in her path before saying anything. "Nothing doin’, Big McIntosh. I ain’t holding no grudges against no fillies. I’m sure she got what was coming to her from her teacher, and there ain’t nothing more that needs being done about it."

"So, are you mad at Miss Cheerilee for letting it happen?" Big Mac asked, a hint of sadness in his voice.

Applejack's frustration continued to rise as she sent fruit raining down from the trees like a swarm of parasprites. "That's crazy talk! The way that teacher cares about her students, I know she did everything she could to prevent something like that."

"Well, you’re not mad at Apple Bloom are you?"

The apples fell almost from Applejack's presence alone now as she switched from speaking loudly to just plain shouting. "I ain’t mad at nopony! Especially not Apple Bloom! She might not have been totally innocent of it all, but she sure as sunflowers didn’t do nothing to deserve her ear bein’ treated like one a Winona’s chew toys!"

Big Mac took another moment to think. Then, a thought popped into his head, which persuaded him to ask, "AJ, are you mad at…yourself?"

Her brother’s words struck Applejack right through her core, causing her back legs to miss the tree she was about to buck and kick nothing but the air next to it. Her anger dissolved into surprise as the heavy realization from her brother’s words made her head drop to face the ground. All the thoughts the orange mare had been searching for the past week came surging to the front of her mind, and it was then that she knew exactly what was causing her so much distress.

"It's my fault. The whole thing happened 'cause of me," she softly expressed, tilting her hat over her eyes.

Big Mac was a bit thrown off by his sister's reaction. "What are you talking about, AJ? You didn't do a cherry-picking thing."

"Exactly!" Applejack shouted, quickly turning back around to face her brother. "I didn't do a thing to keep something like this from happenin’! I just stood back and allowed it like a dang scarecrow."

Big Mac tried to protest. "Applejack, you can’t blame yourself for what happened. You weren't even there. You were off saving Equestria again when it happened."

Applejack refused to back down on her claim. "I know that," she assured, taking a small step forward, "but I shoulda took care a this earlier."

Big Mac opened his mouth to ask for some clarification but chose to remain silent and let his sister continue.

Applejack gazed up at the apple tree she had missed earlier that held only one lone apple on its branches. "I ain't stupid. I knew somethin’ was goin’ on between them fillies, but I didn't do nothing about it. I didn’t even ask Apple Bloom if it was anything serious."

Big Mac didn't like what he was hearing. "AJ, you're being too harsh on yourself. If Apple Bloom really thought it was serious, she woulda told us earlier."

"Well, it seems pretty serious now," Applejack stated, turning back towards her brother with her eyes as wide as her hair was long. "So why do I still know next to nothin’ about the whole thing? What’s the matter with that filly, Big Mac? Don't she know we care?"

"A course she does, Applejack. You know how Apple Bloom is. She don't like asking for help. She always thinks she can handle her problems herself. Remind you of anypony?" Big Mac cocked an eyebrow at his sister, forcing her to crack a smile at his remark.

The smile only lasted for a moment, though, and it faded away as Applejack continued her thought. "It's just that if she ain’t tell us somethin' like this, then..." She trailed off.

"Then what else ain’t she telling us?" Big Mac finished, walking beside the mare to see if she was okay.

Applejack dug her hoof into the ground as she contemplated her own sister keeping secrets that she didn’t want her family to know about. She could tell it was that very notion that had been causing all her grief this past week since she got that same gut-wrenching, sister-kicking feeling every second she spent thinking about it.

It was enough to make her want to yell a door off its hinges, but as her anger reached its boiling point, she felt a stalwart hoof touch the top of her head. She looked up to see Big McIntosh's comforting smile which said more in an instant than anypony other than Pinkie could say in half an hour. Applejack could feel the clouds in her head receding, and it all became clear what she needed to do.

"Well, I’m sure not gonna find out by standing around feeling sorry for myself!" Applejack said with a sudden burst of enthusiasm that startled Big Mac so much that he almost flinched.

"From now on, if my sister’s got a problem, I’m gonna know about it, and I’m gonna be there for her for the whole eight miles. In fact, I’m gonna start right now!" Applejack proudly announced before running down the hill back to the barn, her enchanted necklace softly striking against her shoulders as she galloped off. Big McIntosh smiled as he watched his sister cheerfully run off, no longer lashing out at any defenseless apple trees.

As she ran, she called back to her brother, "Oh, Big McIntosh? Can you take care of the rest of my workload for the day? Thanks!"

Big McIntosh’s smile faded as he turned around to see a veritable ocean of apple trees left to harvest splayed out in front of him. He sighed and walked over to the particular apple tree with the one remaining apple left on it. He softly knocked the tree with his front hoof, causing the apple to drop down into the bucket. He looked down at the apple lying in the bucket before closing his eyes. As he prepared to get to work, he quietly muttered a single affirmative word to himself that contained both a hint of annoyance and a hint of relief.

"Eyup"

Monday, March 31

I stumble into the store, almost tripping over my own feet in the process, and who else do I find waiting for me but the clerk who held my toothbrush at tonguepoint?

"Hey! I remember you! You’re Mr. Philosophy!" she excitedly exclaims as she spots me.

Hey! No! Leave me alone!

Of course, that’s never going to happen, and she continues talking to me as I make my way to the back of the store while attempting to look as if I haven’t been standing right outside for the past twelve hours. Thankfully, since I moved between settings, my throbbing hand and the bump on my head have cleared up, so they’re not there for her to use in discussion.

"Crazy invasion today, huh?" she asks. "Those aliens will think twice before trying to take over this campus again!"

Well, if everyone keeps bringing it up to me like that, they might not get the chance.

"They sure will," I respond, attempting to sound as chipper about it as possible.

I feel around for something toothbrush-shaped on the back wall in my slumbersome confusion. Clearly, there’s a conversation on the horizon right now, and I need to hurry up before I get roped into it.

"So, how’d that exam go?" the clerk asks me as I stagger back to where I believe her voice is coming from.

Too late. I’m doomed.

"Great! Hoping for a perfect score," I state cheerfully with an impossibly large smile on my face.

"No way! With all the sleep you got? You must have been snoozing all day long after all that!"

Sweet ice pops, how I wish that were true.

I just shrug and laugh at her comment as I finally reach her location, wondering how she doesn’t notice how exhausted I am as I proceed to throw my purchase on the counter and internally brace myself for her response.

"You have got to be kidding me, dude. Another toothbrush? What do you do, eat them?" she asks as she picks it off the counter and twirls it around.

I laugh again and reply with the amazingly thoughtful response, "No." I especially like how little emotion I actually put into it this time. It must be inspired from all the hunger, exhaustion, and despair I’m feeling right now.

In a surprising burst of common sense, it occurs to me that I should purchase something to quell the expanding black hole that’s materializing within my stomach. However, even in the state that I’m in, I’m not about to put myself on the spot to tell the clerk to hold on a second. Who knows how long it would take me to get through this conversation if I did that? Although, if I get too much hungrier, the clerk’s previous joke might become truer than she knows.

"So, is this gonna be all for you?"

Actually, could you knock me unconscious so I can get some sleep?

"Yep," I respond unresponsively.

"You sure? You don’t look so good tonight."

Oh, so you did notice?

"I’ll be fine," I yawn, covering my mouth with my hand. "I just need a little more sleep."

Or any. Any sleep would be nice.

She tilts her head and looks at me strangely. "Why’s your hand so shiny?" she asks, catching me off guard.

And there goes another thirty seconds of my life.

"Oh, uh, it’s sort of a long story," I respond, trying to make it sound as boring as possible.

"Well, are they stuck like that?" she asks, leaning over the counter to grab hold of my left hand, clearly not bored.

"Maybe," I reply, still trying to deny potential topics for discussion.

"What do you mean ‘maybe’? You don’t even know?"

"It’s..supernatural. It’s out of my hands right now," I reply, my enthusiasm now fading to the point where I don’t even realize the pun I just made.

She puts her thumb to her lip as if she’s thinking about something. Then she gets a disturbingly wide grin on her face, one that reeks of mischief. "You know, I think I might have something that can take care of that for you."

Is it that face you’re making? Because that’s the new screensaver of my nightmares for the next week.

"What is it?" I ask, still having enough curiosity to play along for the moment.

"I’ll tell you, but you have to close your eyes first," she says with a tiny giggle.

"Uh, how come?" I ask, now regretting my curiosity.

"Because it’ll only work if your eyes are closed when I give it to you." She’s now struggling to hold back her laughter.

Once again interested by the notion of such a strange cure, I do as she says. With my eyes shut, I try to imagine myself safely lying in bed instead of standing in a convenience store preparing to receive a mysterious antidote for shiny hands from someone I barely know. I think it’s a bit more relaxing that way.

"All right, now hold out your hand, and I’ll give it to you."

Hesitating for a moment, I extend my hand in the direction I’m reasonably sure is in front of me to accept her convoluted remedy. After a few seconds of waiting, a round, dense object falls into my hand, which is followed by the sound of her voice saying, "Okay, you can look now."

I open my eyes to see a small black sphere in my hand and the clerk nowhere to be found. It’s not the object I expected to see, but I can promise you there’s nothing about it that can cure my shiny hands. As I see the tiny, ignited rope at the top of the sphere disappear from sight, I’m forced to once again close my eyes before the resulting explosion.

The clerk pops back up from behind her counter, laughing hard enough to make a clown look like a mime. She slams the toothbrush in her hand onto the counter in her fit of laughter as she struggles to get out a coherent sentence. Apparently, seeing a tired guy covered in soot is the funniest thing one can see at 10:13 PM. Eventually, she manages to successfully wheeze, "I’m…I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I know it’s a bit early, but I couldn’t help myself. I needed one quick prank to tide me over until tomorrow."

Tomorrow? What’s tomorrow? Wait…

"Right, tomorrow’s April Fool’s Day," I declare, wiping some of the black dust off my face.

"You know it! It’s my favorite day of the year. You wouldn’t believe all I’ve got planned! I even took the late shift tonight so I could get to work as soon as possible!"

So tomorrow’s already ruined before today’s even over yet. Fantastic. Last year my roommate dressed up as a jester and treated me like his servant all day. Don’t ask.

"Good for you," I answer, hiding my irritation as well as I can.

"You know, I seriously do know a guy who could help you with those hands if you're interested."

"That's okay. I can handle it myself."

I try to learn from my mistakes, thank you very much.

"All right then. Have a nice night!" She finally scans my toothbrush and hands it back to me, effectively giving me my key to freedom.

"You too," I reply instinctively, grabbing my toothbrush and quickly making my way out of the store. However, my body is incapable of doing anything quickly right now, so I lose my balance, fall forward, and tumble out the door as I hear more laughter from the ever-sympathetic clerk lady behind me.

Yeah, what a nice night I’m having. Can’t even go five seconds without becoming a source of comic relief.

I rub my head and look up to see my new greatest enemy still wobbling around in the moonlight. I think that's how it laughs. Well, since it decided to stick around to see me fall flat on my face, I figure it’s worth giving it a decent internal farewell monologue.

Mr. Goo, it’s been…unbearably depressing. However, I think it’s time you moved on to torture someone else now. I know how much fun you’ve had these past twelve or so hours, but I think we both know that you’re getting much more out of this relationship than I am. As a matter of fact, I believe you got more than you should have. Give me back my hammer!

Possessed by spontaneous desire, I shove my hand into that diabolical goo to grab hold of my beloved mallet that I can still feel resting just on the other side. As usual, the goo begins to devour me, but I simply grab hold of that hammer and pull back as hard as I can. As the goo works its way down my arm, I slowly step backwards to in order to resist its influence.

The goo is persistent though, and it continues to gain ground on me despite how far away I walk from it. Eventually, it manages to swallow me whole again, which means it’s time for the one thing it does best. However, thanks to the distance I’ve stretched it, it doesn’t just spit me out this time. It launches me. As if I just attempted my senseless slingshot plan again, it sends me soaring into the night sky like a reverse falling star.

You know, the sky does look pretty tonight.

I soar straight past the campus fountain, past my exam building, over the trees right outside of campus, and then off campus altogether. Soon, I’m overlooking the Atlantic Ocean, and I can tell this one’s sending me all the way around. I suppose a normal person would scream at a time like this, but I’m not really one to scream when I’m afraid. It always bugs me when people waste their time screaming at something that scares them when they could be using that time to do something more useful like thinking. Seeing as how I have some free time now, I take the time to think about everything that’s happened to me today. I've had both my dreams pie me in the face, I’m apparently struggling to maintain my role as an antagonist, and I’ve let a bunch of supernatural snot make me its personal chew toy. So, nothing’s really gone my way today, but it’s not the worst Monday I’ve ever had.

Eventually, I end up crash-landing back onto the pavement of my college campus face first, sliding into the imaginary feet of the one who sent me on my little trip as the trombones mock me once again.

I don’t look up. I refuse to even acknowledge the goo’s existence anymore. I just turn my head to the side to take another look at my watch to see if I still have time to do my physics homework tonight. I don’t, but I’ll probably end up doing it anyway. However, as I see the time, I make another observation about the toothbrush in my hand that just got a quick tour of the world.

It’s green. The toothbrush I just bought is green.

I honestly never imagined I’d have my first villainous breakdown at this age. It always seemed like something that only happened to more experienced villains. I especially didn’t expect the breaking point to be a toothbrush. Regardless, here I am, with red eyes, sharpened teeth, and the faintest hope that the wicked goo that hovers over me will just spontaneously combust as I slam my head against the sidewalk in an increasingly desperate manner while water shoot out of my eyes like I'm property of the local fire department. I no longer have any control over my body in this state. All I can do is thank all things convenient that no one’s around to see me like this.

That reminds me. Sorry you have to see me like this.

However, before my incoherent rampage powered by nothing but the fumes of my anger can reach its climax, a bird lands on top of my head, forcing me to stop. My head's facing the ground, so I can’t tell what kind of bird it is, but I can feel its talons clutched around my skull as I lie there motionlessly. My first instinct is to shoo it away before it starts singing my theme music, but then I realize something. It's a strange thought that I believed could only manifest in works of fiction.

This is hilarious.

I’m lying on the ground covered in soot with a face full of pavement and a bird on my head, I’m freaking out because my toothbrush is the wrong color, and the BGM is attempting to play a relaxing lullaby tune using accordions and tubas.This is the most ridiculous situation I’ve ever heard. How could I find this anything but funny?

However, even funnier than any of that is the cause of all this mess: the goo. All it's done today is float, eat, and spit. It has all the powers of a floating baby head, and I’m treating it like it’s some kind of amazing mastermind that I can never hope to defeat. That is utterly ridiculous.

How could I have been so blind? This goo isn’t diabolical! It’s just plain silly!

The bird flies off my head as I force myself back onto my feet. My legs feel like goo themselves as I attempt to sustain my body weight, but I don’t care. At that moment, all my despair, all my sorrow, and all my dignity appear to flee in terror as I descend into my own fit of laughter. I laugh at my reflection in the puddle of my tears, I laugh at the huge dent I made in the sidewalk with my head, I laugh at this one funny-looking comic I see in the newspaper stand next to the store, and, most importantly, I laugh at the silly goo in all its nonsensical entirety.

I have to say, it’s been awhile since I laughed like this. Normally, my laughs come in one of two flavors: evil and fake. However, this long-forgotten third flavor tastes pretty good after everything that's happened. Soon, my sides start hurting and I fall back over, but I just find the pain funny and continue laughing. Eventually, I run out of laughter and finally calm back down. Once I can breathe again, I turn back up to my new best friend and smile.

You know what, Goo? You're not so bad after all. I don’t even remember why I was so upset anymore. It’s like I just laughed away everything that was bothering me. I just wish there was something I could do to show my thanks before I go. Oh, wait, I know. There’s only one thing that you want, isn’t there?

I stick my hand in that wonderful gunk for the 440th and final time to give it the opportunity to engage in its favorite pastime once more. Just as always, it excitedly begins to cover my body with itself. Then, just as always, it swallows me completely from head to toe. Finally, just as always, it follows up on its consumption by…

Well, this is new.

Sunday, March 30

A diet of nothing but pig slop, an orange dye job, a loss of all talking privileges, any other punishment would be worth it to make this one stop.

Never before had Diamond Tiara felt as humiliated over the course of a single group of seven days as she did during this one. The torture began the day she had her tiara savagely ripped off her head by her wicked witch of a teacher. She could still hear the maniacal cackling as Miss Cheerilee chained it to her desk and declared, "You leave me no choice, you horrible child. Now back to work!"

It had taken almost four hours to finish that accursed essay, and afterwards Diamond had rushed straight home to get to the bottom of the evil spirit that had possessed her father and made him assign this punishment.

Unfortunately, the situation was even worse than she realized. Her dad was more serious about the situation than Miss Cheerilee was. He said he wanted her to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around her and that she needs to appreciate the value of other ponies. She was certain she heard thunder clap as he said those vile, disgusting words.

Why couldn’t these grown-ups see things from her point of view? If she really went around trying to appreciate all those other no-talent ponies, how were they supposed to see how special she was? What would that prove anyway? That they all were special in their own way? How could her dad and Miss Cheerilee possibly expect her to lie like that? It would completely go against everything she stood for. It’d be like saying they were all equal or something, and, excluding Silver Spoon, she wasn't about to even pretend that those other sorry excuses for ponies in her class were on the same level that she was.

The next morning, her dad still wouldn’t budge on the issue, and her mom had read that wearing a headpiece too often can stunt growth, so Diamond was forced to go to school that Monday without a tiara. She felt almost naked walking into class without it and not just for the obvious reason. It was Snails who first noticed it and started a chain of whispering around the classroom. Before long, everypony in the classroom had gone silent, and they all curiously stared in awe at the tiara-less Diamond from the safety of their desks.

Despite her usual desire to have all eyes on her, Diamond wanted nothing more than to be invisible in that classroom at that moment. She didn’t even need to turn around to know they were all looking at her, and she was about ready to shout to all of them to mind their own business. She hesitated simply because she didn’t want to attract more unwanted attention to herself.

Eventually, after some hushed encouragement from his friend, Snips broke the silence by walking up and confronting her directly.

"Um, Diamond Tiara?" Snips began, trying as hard as possible not to laugh. Diamond turned to him with a blank, commonplace expression on her face.

"We were just wondering…what happened to your tiara?" he asked with a stifled chuckle.

Diamond narrowed her gaze at the mention of her tiara and the tone of the cheeky colt’s voice. She wouldn’t let this happen. She could not and would not let this clown make a fool out of her in front of the entire class.

"I don’t know. Where’s your scissors?" Diamond asked, a little smirk appearing on her face.

"Right here," Snips said as he pulled out some scissors from seemingly nowhere. Diamond’s smirk faded as Snips went on, "We just wanted to know why you don’t have a new one yet. I heard it was because you went crazy after your first one broke, and now you’re refusing to wear one."

Snails intervened before Diamond could reply, "Nu-uh, that’s not even close to what happened. I heard the first one was so expensive that her dad couldn’t afford a new one."

"That’th not what I heard," Twist declared, joining the discussion.

Soon, all of Diamond’s classmates started talking over each other stating all the rumors they had just created, attempting to explain Diamond’s lack of tiara. Every voice felt like a tiny nibble out of her pride, and she wasn't about to stand by and let it happen.

"Quiet!" Diamond shouted, standing on her desk and driving the commotion to an immediate halt. "You all are the rudest, most inconsiderate bunch of foals I’ve ever seen! I’ll have you know that the only reason I’m not wearing a tiara right now is because--"

She stopped as the door to the classroom opened, and three fillies walked inside, too engaged in their own discussion to notice her. Her pulse quickened as she realized she was standing on top of the desk, drawing everypony’s attention to herself. She swiftly jumped off her desk and hid behind it in a panic-stricken, last-ditch effort to avoid being seen by them.

"…and that’s when Rainbow Dash crashed straight into the fruit stand, sending apples flying everywhere," Scootaloo finished as she and her friends entered the classroom.

"What’s so amazing about that?" Sweetie Belle asked, not noticing everypony’s gaze shifting to them.

"Yeah, and who do you think had to clean up all those apples?" Apple Bloom grumbled as she closed the door behind them.

Snips had walked back to his own desk after the three had entered. He and the other students talked quietly amongst themselves as they all furtively watched the scene set itself up in front of them. All of them were eager to see what was about to happen, too enthralled to interrupt it.

"Aw, you just had to be there when it happened," Scootaloo responded, sitting down at her desk, the closest one to the door.

"Whatever, but that still don’t mean Rainbow Dash deserves to be named ‘Best Pony in All of Equestria from Now Until the End of Time’." Apple Bloom said as she headed to her own desk.

"Hey, she’s gonna be eventually, so why not just go ahead and do it now?" Scootaloo remarked.

"Hey girls, look," Sweetie Belle noted. "You-know-who isn’t here yet." She pointed toward the empty desk on the far side of the classroom.

Diamond heard the filly’s observation from behind her desk. She wondered if they were talking about her, but knew she couldn’t look up to check without revealing herself. One good thing about not having her tiara at the moment was that it didn’t give away her position behind the desk. She didn’t exactly have a plan, but she just wanted to keep hiding at least until Silver Spoon showed up. What was taking that filly so long to show up anyway?

"Oh yeah, you’re right. Do you think she’ll even show up today?" Scootaloo asked.

"I hope not. That filly’s finally lost it. I’ve never seen her get so mad before," Apple Bloom remarked, trying not to think about the incident a few days prior.

"Seriously, I thought she was going to burst into flames or something," Scootaloo said with a small laugh.

"That wouldn’t be good." Sweetie Belle said with another little chuckle. "She might have melted if we had to throw water on her."

"Hey!" Diamond yelled on impulse at the sound of being slighted, poking her head out from behind her desk. She recoiled as all ponies in the room turned right back towards her, including the three newcomers.

"Diamond Tiara? Why are you hiding behind your desk?" Apple Bloom asked in surprise as Sweetie Belle slunk down in her desk, regretting her previous remark.

Diamond hesitated for a moment, "Well, I…um…"

"And where’s your new tiara?" Scootaloo asked almost mockingly.

"That’s…it’s just…"

"Are you sweating?" Sweetie Belle asked, poking her head back up to get a better look at her classmate.

Diamond casually wiped her forehead with her front hoof and looked at it. It was true. She’d let herself become so nervous that she’d started to perspire. This was unacceptable. She was letting these three blank flanks of all ponies get to her. She was better than this. She was better than them. She knew she had a very simple way of getting out of this, and all she had to do was calm down and seize it.

Switching her expression to one of prideful satisfaction, Diamond pompously responded, "I don’t see how any of that’s your business." She sat back down in her desk and turned away from them. All too easy.

"Fine, we didn’t want to know anyway," Scootaloo huffed in response to Diamond Tiara’s change in attitude.

"And what’s that supposed to mean?" Diamond asked angrily, turning back to them and almost instantly forgetting about dropping the issue. "Are you saying you don’t care that thanks to you I lost my most prized possession?"

"It wasn’t Scootaloo’s fault!" Apple Bloom shouted, defending her friend. "I was the one who broke your tiara, and it was an accident!" She softened her tone a bit to plead, "Can’t we just forget about it?"

Diamond's mind had completely shifted focus to the memory of her broken tiara, and she didn’t think anything of it as she replied, "How am I supposed to forget about it when I have a constant reminder not resting on my pretty little head?"

"Little?" Scootaloo quietly asked to herself.

"Well, there’s one on mine!" Apple Bloom shouted back in defiance, pointing to the white bandage still wrapped around her ear. "And, no offense, but mine’s a little more uncomfortable."

Diamond scowled as Apple Bloom brought that up. She wasn't prepared to argue with a cheap shot like that, so she took a moment to recollect her thoughts. "Fine, I’m willing to forget all this if you are," she eventually stated, closing her eyes and once again facing the front of the classroom.

"Really?" Sweetie Belle asked, almost stunned at what the pink filly said.

"Just like that?" Apple Bloom asked, equally surprised at her classmate's reaction.

"Accidents happen, and I’ll have my tiara soon enough anyway," Diamond casually said, pretending to inspect the front of one of her hooves. Diamond remembered she was trying to get the focus away from her tiara, and she knew if she told them to drop the subject, nopony would want to keep asking about it. She was just that persuasive.

"Is it me or was that too easy?" Scootaloo whispered to her friends.

"Maybe she kept most of her meanness in her tiara," Sweetie Belle suggested also in whisper.

"Does that mean it’s a good thing I broke it?" Apple Bloom asked in jest, checking to make sure Diamond didn’t hear.

"I wouldn't exactly say it's a good thing, but at least we got her off our flanks for now," Scootaloo whispered contentedly.

Diamond smiled to herself at the way she managed to skillfully resolve that situation. Then, just as everything seemed to be cleared up, Silver Spoon finally arrived. She drew much less attention than the Cutie Mark Crusaders did as she entered and silently walked to her own desk.

Like the rest of the class, she noticed her friend was lacking something before even reaching her desk. However, it seemed a bit stranger to her since she’d seen her friend wearing it only a day ago.

"Diamond Tiara? What happened to your--" Silver Spoon stopped mid-sentence when she caught her friend feverishly shaking her head and signaling her to not to keep going with that thought. Scootaloo shot a glance at Diamond after Silver Spoon started hesitating, causing the pink filly to quickly place her hooves back on her desk and force a smile.

"…mane?" Silver Spoon corrected herself. "It looks so shiny and regal today."

"It does, doesn’t it? How correct of you to notice," Diamond smiled, flipping her mane with her hoof. Scootaloo was not amused.

Silver Spoon felt some relief that she hadn’t upset her friend any more with that last comment as she took her seat. She wasn’t exactly sure what to say or think after everything that had happened over the past three days, but she did feel a twinge of nervousness as her friend leaned over and started whispering to her.

"What took you so long? You wouldn’t believe what I had to put up with from these other foals before you got here," she whispered harshly.

"Sorry, I overslept. There was, like, an owl or something outside my window that kept me up all last night," Silver Spoon explained.

"Hmph, well don’t let it happen again," Diamond quietly ordered, sitting back normally in her desk.

"What did happen to your other tiara, anyway? Didn’t you tell me that was your only other one? You didn’t lose that one too, did you?" Silver Spoon asked, her worry emerging on her face.

Diamond stiffened up a bit. "D-don’t be ridiculous," she whispered. "I just…had to get it spruced up. It wasn’t shiny enough for me."

"Oh, right, duh," Silver Spoon replied, her posture relaxing as her smile returned. She knew Diamond Tiara better than anyone, and if there was one thing that Diamond loved, it was making her possessions shinier. The gray filly was about to ask where her friend was getting it "spruced up", but their teacher happened to arrive before she got the chance.

"Good morning, class," Cheerilee greeted as cheerfully as ever.

"Good morning, Miss Cheerilee," most of the class replied in unison.

"I hope you all used the weekend to ready your minds for some new information, because today we’re going to learn all about the wonders of gravity!" she exclaimed as if she were talking about a field trip to a candy store.

Before continuing, she caught sight of Apple Bloom's ear. Her teaching instincts took over, and she felt obliged to ask, "Apple Bloom, honey, are you sure you’re feeling okay? I don’t want to feel like you have to come back to class before you’re 100% ready."

"Oh, I’m okay, Miss Cheerilee," Apple Bloom innocently replied. "Applejack said I'll be able to take this bandage off by the end of the day. It don't even hurt no more, honest."

"You dirty liar!" Diamond shouted, once again forgetting about her desire to remain inconspicuous. "You tried to make me feel guilty about hurting you when you're not even hurt?"

"What?" Apple Bloom asked in confusion. "I wasn't trying ta-"

"Now, Diamond Tiara," Cheerilee started, already feeling her patience draining out of her, "Please, just calm down. There's no reason to start the day off by calling somepony a dirty liar."

"I wouldn't need to if somepony wasn't one," Diamond scoffed as she glared at the accused.

Cheerilee sighed. "Apple Bloom, did you tell Diamond-"

"Don't ask her!" Diamond interrupted, violently pointing her hoof at Apple Bloom. "She's a dirty liar! I'll bet she doesn't even know what 'truth' is!"

"Do too!" Apple Bloom shouted in her own defense. "My big sister taught me everything I know about honesty."

A very natural smirk spread across Diamond's face like icing on a carrot cake. "Then I guess it's true what they say. Those who can't do, teach."

Needless to say, Apple Bloom was by no means pleased to hear her family being insulted, but it was possible that Cheerilee trumped her in feeling slighted. "Diamond Tiara, do I need to remind you what I told you yesterday?" she asked as she walked right up to Diamond's desk.

Diamond dropped her entire smug disposition at the sound of her teacher's threatening statement. Surely Miss Cheerilee was not going to mention her punishment in front of the entire class, right? She couldn't possibly be that cruel!

"Because if you want your tiara back anytime soon, I strongly suggest you remember it."

As those words came out of her teacher's mouth, Diamond forgot how to speak. Her eyes exploded open and her mouth quickly followed suit. She could heard several gasps throughout the classroom as the the other students came to understand what had happened, and she felt the shame overtake her body like a gallon of cement. It would seem that Miss Cheerilee was possibly that cruel.

After receiving no response, Cheerilee took Diamond's silence as a sign that she would behave and proceeded with her lesson. The only other sounds related to the teacher’s warning were a soft chuckle from Scootaloo, an aimless comment from Snails, and an inquiring question from Silver, but Diamond heard none of it. All she could hear was a loud, derisive laughter echoing through her mind for the rest of the school day.

The rest of the week hadn't fared any better. Miss Cheerilee and her dad just wouldn’t budge on the issue, and after he discussed it with her, even her mom was on board. Worse yet, now she had an even greater punishment on top of it. Having to put up with the humiliation of those other foals knowing why her tiara was gone was even more embarrassing than losing it. Even though none of them actually directly said anything to her about it, she knew what they all were thinking. She knew they all thought she was just an ordinary pony now, and it made her sick.

Silver Spoon tried to cheer her up as best as she could, but without a tiara to offer her, she couldn't even get her friend to smile. Eventually, Diamond's bitterness and paranoia escalated to the point where she had herself convinced that even Silver Spoon was laughing at her behind her back. After that, she started spending most of her time enjoying the isolation of being locked in her own room with only her thoughts, her anguish, and her cat to keep her company.

Now, as she lay there on her bed that Sunday evening after an entire week of it all, she prepared her attempt to drown out all the ridicule that continued to echo in her mind with the large tub of strawberry ice cream she had set before her.

She wasn't supposed to have this much ice cream at once, but her dad was gone on an emergency business trip thanks to a huge drop in sales last weekend, and her mom was invited to take a seven-day blimp cruise around Equestria on that same Thursday. The two neglected to coordinate their trips, so Diamond's favorite babysitter had been assigned to watch after her: herself. She was the one in charge, and after everything she'd been through that week, she demanded that she have that ice cream.

She tried to remember her manners as she ate her little snack so as not to stain her bed, but as the thoughts of her stolen treasure and shattered reputation swarmed through her mind, she soon found herself wearing the bucket as her new headpiece with pink, splattered globs of dairy all over her walls, her floor, her bed, her ceiling, and even her cat. Realizing that ice cream wasn't the solution, she pulled the empty tub off her head and angrily threw herself back onto her bed. She felt the stickiness of her comfort food against her back as she collided with her mattress, but she was too upset to let it bother her. In fact, it almost felt right.

Diamond felt lost as she struggled to think of a way out of her punishment. If things continued to go the way they were, she feared that she would actually have to give in to her punishment’s demands and treat those other mouth breathers as her equals for a few weeks. She pulled her thoroughly sticky covers over top of herself in an attempt to warm herself from the frigid chill that arose after imagining such a possibility.

What had she done to deserve all this punishment? That's just it. She wasn't punished this time for doing anything. This time she was punished just for being herself. She didn't understand. Miss Cheerilee and her parents had always told her to be herself, but now suddenly they wanted her to change? Why didn't they just take away her cutie mark while they were at it? It's not like she could be embarrassed any more!

How did it even come to this anyway? How did she end up on the other side of the laughter? How did she become the one being ridiculed? It was one thing when it happened to somepony who deserved to be laughed at, but she was supposed to be above all that. She was supposed to be better than that, but if she could fall into that same trap that they could...did that mean she was no more special than anypony else?

It was at that point that she noticed she was tasting ice cream again. Confused, she lowered her eyes to find that she had been gnawing on the edge of her mane without even realizing it.

Enough was enough. This punishment had put her through enough torment already, but this was too much. She had kicked that filthy habit years ago, and she wasn't about to let some stupid punishment reduce her to such nonsense. She had to get ahold of herself before she completely lost control of her life.

She spit the hair out of her mouth and threw herself out of her bed, stomping over to her room's full-length mirror that was about twice her own size. She took a good look at her reflection. Her entire body was nearly covered from head to tail in ice cream after both eating it and rolling around in it, her hair was rife with split ends between the chewing and the bedhead, and the rest of her head looked barren and lifeless without anything shiny on top of it to complement her beauty. However, Diamond didn't see any of that. All she saw was herself in that mirror, and there were no faults she could find in that. Nopony was as talented, charming, or good-looking as she was, and she knew it all too well. There could be no question that she was the most special pony there was.

But then, why did she feel so ashamed when the others found out about her punishment? Since she was so special, why did their opinions even matter? That was the moment when she finally realized:

They didn’t. They couldn’t. The only opinion that actually meant anything was hers. She was more special than any of them, and she didn’t need anypony else to tell her that.

As she let the thought seep deeper into her mind, all her feelings of shame and embarrassment started to fade until finally they vanished completely. She stared straight at her ice-cream-coated self in the mirror with a newfound look of full-fledged determination as she focused her entire being on one goal: getting her tiara back by any means necessary. She knew that if she could find a way to get it back, everything would go back to the way it was supposed to be. In fact, there was no ‘if’ about it. She knew she was capable of finding a way to convince both her dad and her teacher that she just wasn't meant to be a Diamond without a tiara. She could do it. It would be easy. She was just that special.

Monday, March 31

There are two types of people in this world. One type of person sees his toothbrush on the ground, picks it up, and either uses it anyway or just goes to sleep without worrying about it. The other type of person goes out into the middle of the night, buys a new toothbrush, gets shiny hands, aces an exam in their favorite subject only to completely lose interest in it, gets pointlessly crushed by a piano, draws some guy’s lost bejeepers, and then spends over twelve hours trying to get swallowed by goo until it finally works. These two types of people are known as ‘everyone else’ and ‘me’, respectively.

And for the first time in a long time, I'm glad to be part of the latter.

Truly, I find it hard to describe what’s happening right now. I can almost guarantee that the place where I’m standing isn’t part of my college campus. Actually, "standing" really isn’t the right word to use in this case. I suppose "hurtling" would be more appropriate. Yes, I’m hurtling through this non-college campus space, completely veiled within the aforementioned goo that endlessly continues to pull me forward through an infinite void of purple nothingness that’s slightly better lit than my hallway at night. Also, I got my hammer back.

So, how excited am I about all this, you ask? Well, have you ever been to a football game and watched one of those big, well-rehearsed halftime shows? You know that feeling you get when they announce it's over, and they're finally getting back to the game? That's what I'm feeling right now. The halftime show of my life just ended, and it would seem that this goo is taking me straight to the main event.

I think that sums everything up quite nicely. I guess it's not as difficult to describe as I thought. However, I’m not exactly sure what I’m supposed to do right now. It feels like this goo has been dragging me through purple for either three hours or three centuries now; I'm not really sure which. I could try to get it to let go of me, but I'm afraid that might leave me stranded in this chaotic dimension of purple. I'd honestly prefer a different kind of adventure.

I would have thought that at the speed I’m going, I’d have already reached wherever this stuff is pulling me. I'm fairly certain I could have flown around the world at least twenty-seven times by now at this speed. Again, I’m sure a lot of people would be screaming at the top of their lungs if they were going this fast, but like I said, I'm not a screamer, so why start now? Of course, no one’s around to actually hear any of my screaming, so I don't think anyone would mind, but on the other hand, no one’s around to actually hear any of my screaming, so what good would it do?

As I continue to fly through the mysterious world of nothingness, all my physical deficiencies suddenly catch up to me, doubling in strength since I last thought about them. I have to put every ounce of strength I have left into staying awake lest I somehow miss my last shot at a successful supernatural encounter by sleeping through it. On the bright side, whatever strange form of reality I’ve wandered into appears to be much warmer than it was in the one I used to exist in. My skin isn’t even blue anymore. On the less-than-bright side, this place has to have the worst BGM I've ever heard. It's nothing more than a loud, repetitive hissing noise that makes Rook's theme music sound like a rehearsed, orchestral work of genius. My gooey overcoat prevents me from moving my arms up to cover my ears, so I'm forced to endure the noise as I propel forward at a barely-survivable speed.

After all this time, my body’s become so desensitized to the speed that I start daydreaming about something else entirely. During the long hours of attempting to be eaten, I basically ran out of relevant topics of interest, but there’s one depressing subject that I've been trying to avoid giving too much thought until now: my recent loss of interest in my life’s interest.

I know that my apathy towards my dream is going to be a problem for my future career plans, but now I'm not even sure I was ever interested in psychology to begin with. Try as I might, I still cannot recall the reason that initially made me aspire to learn about psychology all those years ago. It’s as if someone else chose this path for me to follow and I've just mindlessly following it all this time.

I can’t even seem to remember the last time I did something interesting with psychology. I think it involved a large armchair and a reclining couch, but that might have just been a movie I saw a few weeks ago. Well, you know what? If it's really gotten to this point, then I see only one possible solution: I’m done with psychology. From here on out, it’s no longer my passion, my dream, or my major. Some might say it's a bit rash of a decision to make while I'm sleep-deprived and going seven thousand miles per hour through a hallway of purple, but then again, I may not even have to think about college ever again.

After settling that conflict, my mind transitions back to the goo. I have no idea what this thing’s purpose is or where it’s taking me, but truly I’ve reached into a supernatural grab bag here. I'm thinking the best case scenario is being taken somewhere where I can obtain a robotic sidekick. Worst case is probably a wormhole where I'll have my molecules painfully and rapidly ripped to pieces. It's a grim notion, yes, but considering that means I’d never have to see my obnoxious roommate again, it’s still not technically the worst possible scenario. Right now, all I'm hoping is that food and sleep still exist on the other side of this dark tunnel.

Then, right as that thought comes to pass, the purple void disappeared around me. The fact that I was flying at a speed beyond my imagination finally registered in my mind again as a new world suddenly embraced my vision. I saw trimmed, clean grass underneath me as I soared over it, a vivid, night sky above me as I soared beneath it, and a large, stagnant rock in front of me as I crashed directly into something big and round. It was probably the rock.

Oddly enough though, crashing into that rock at that speed didn’t hurt. In fact, it was actually pretty comforting to crash into it. It didn’t even spawn my daze halo. That being the case, I decided to treat it as a pillow and used it to relax for about two seconds as I slid off it onto the much less comfortable ground.

While lying on the ground, I looked up at the sky. It looked exactly the same as before I got dragged inside that goo. The stars still twinkled, adding some light to the darkness that surrounded them; the moon was cleverly hidden behind the clouds, leaving the stars to fend for themselves in serving as a primary light source; and the sun was nowhere to be found since it wasn’t daytime. Nothing seemed notably supernatural about any of this, but I knew I'd find something strange soon enough.

Then, as I sat up to observe my terrestrial surroundings, I came face-to-face with something that was, if nothing else, unusual. It looked like a well-sized brown horse wearing a red tie with a dollar sign on it and some sort of collar around its neck, and it was staring right at me with a look of concern across its face. While that was certainly an interesting sight on its own, the most curious thing about this creature was its introductory theme. Listening to it at first, it sounded very regal and dignified, consisting mostly of brass instruments and a strong bass drum, but I could have sworn I heard a faint harmonica in there somewhere. The main reason it was so odd, though, was because animals don't have introductory themes!

It was at that point that the world I was in was not my own. I had finally broken my asinine curse and made contact with the supernatural. However, perhaps seeing this new theme-carrying, horse-looking, dollar-worshiping creature took more out of me than I thought. Then again, perhaps it was the unending struggle through an odd goo substance or simply the fact that I hadn’t really slept in almost twenty-four hours that got to me. Whatever the reason was, my head fell backwards like a bowling pin, and I was out.

Is Something Wrong?

Chpt. 10 - Is Something Wrong?

Sunday, March 30

It was all such a crazy dream. I’m sure an aspiring psychologist would have a field day with it.

I was standing in front of the well-dressed brown horse thing in the middle of an open, grassy field, the sun shining brightly above us. We stared at each other for a good twelve seconds in silence, eyeing each other and probably thinking very similar thoughts. That’s when it happened. The brown horse spoke. It was so surreal. Without a speech impediment or even a verbal tick, the creature said in plain English, "Well, now I’ve seen everything," not even mixing up the order of the words.

It was so impressive that I found myself actually wanting to say something in response to show it that I was just as capable of speech as it was, but my tongue didn't seem to believe me and was refusing to cooperate. After a few seconds of me standing there with my mouth open trying to form words, I must have startled the thing, because it took a nervous step away from me. I didn’t want it to run off, so I tried reaching out my hand toward it in an attempt to at least be responsive, but a large flash emitted directly from my palm that made the beast jump and run off.

Truly I’m the master of social interaction.

The horse continued dashing away until it was just a tiny speck on the horizon, leaving me standing there alone in the middle of the empty field with no idea how I even got there. I tried to recollect what had happened in previous chapters that brought me to the empty field, but all that came to mind was the color purple. It wasn’t full amnesia since I still remembered I had an audience to narrate for, but clearly I had some mitigated form of it.

However, at that moment, mild memory loss seemed to be the least of my worries. All of a sudden, some strangely threatening pink clouds cast their shadows over me from the clear blue sky above. Not only that, but I happened to notice that, despite how bright it was, I didn’t see any form of sun anywhere. Logic was caving in on itself around me, it seemed, and all I could think to do was run in a random direction to get away from it all. Soon, the rain began to pour out from the oddly colored clouds, and I quickly noted that the substance coming down from the clouds wasn’t water at all. It was pianos. It was raining pianos.

I'd like to see the weatherman predict that.

I ran faster, trying to elude the clouds that continued to drop their heavy musical instruments, which were crashing into the ground at my heels. I wasn’t making any progress by running, and there weren’t any other horses with ties around to ask for assistance. Of course, still not being able to speak, that didn’t matter anyway. As the falling pianos got closer with every unmelodious crash, my entire body came to a sudden standstill as I felt something pulling on my foot.
It was gum. I had stepped in gum.

When does that ever happen to me?

The momentum caused by me running forward had stretched the gum from its resting spot, naturally causing it to launch me backwards like something eerily familiar to me. With my foot still attached to the gum, it kept jerking me back and forth until the momentum finally died down, resulting in me being completely stuck in the middle of the piano downpour. As I put my hands over my head and braced for the inevitable, I curiously found that not a single piano had actually landed on me. In fact, they all seemed to be crashing everywhere except directly on top of me.

Well, it’s a good thing I spontaneously became immune to pianos or this could have been an discomforting turn of events.

Then, right out from under my immobile feet, a gigantic stack of books popped out of the ground, sending me straight up through the pink clouds and into the sunless sky. As I passed through the cloud, I found myself now in a room that I actually recognized. It was the room where I took all my exams for my psychology class.

Ah yes, psychology. I remember that. Everything I adore about life in a flawless amassment of interest and excitement.

After a bit of recollection, I soon managed to recognize the five others in the room with me. Reed, Rook, that clerk lady, and the tie-wearing horse were each at their own desks, and they all seemed to be working feverishly on something as Dr. Stellar watched over them like you all do with me. Rook’s head was about three times its usual size, Reed had an oversized, black cat on his head that he didn't seem to notice, the clerk lady was using a toothbrush as a pencil, and Dr. Stellar’s shirt wasn’t tucked in, making the talking horse the only other normal-looking one in the room.

I still didn’t understand what was going on, but I looked down at the desk in front of me to see an exam patiently sitting there, taunting me with its incompleteness. My natural test-taking impulses took over and I got right to work on it. However, this exam was odd. It had only one question, and it was multiple choice.

Choose the best answer from the following:
A: Life
B: Goo
C: None of the Above
D: All of the Above

Oh, I despise these questions. It’s not asking for me to choose the ‘right’ answer. It wants the ‘best’ answer, which is basically just another way of saying ‘read the teacher’s mind and pick the one he's thinking’. Also, they mistakenly put ‘D’ under ‘C’, so if I pick ‘D’, I’ll technically be saying ‘all of the above’ including ‘none of the above’. What kind of tonguebiter made this exam, anyway?

"Don’t blow this, think tank," a voice spoke up as I noticed a pencil drop down onto the desk from nowhere.

Devil Me? Since when do you show up during exams?

Ignoring my thoughts, he barked, "Put some of that thinking nonsense to good use for once in your life. There’s only one choice you can possibly make here." He paused as he suddenly transformed into Angel Me.

"And I think you know exactly what that choice is," Angel Me finished before disappearing completely, leaving me even more confused than before he appeared.

I didn’t exactly know what to choose, but I figured I needed to answer before Dr. Stellar said ‘pencils down’ with his usual perfect timing. However, as I reached down to grab the pencil in front of me, I realized that what I had grabbed was not a pencil. It was a bomb. It blew up right in my face, making everyone in the room explode with laughter at the sight of my soot-covered face.

How does one explain what it feels like to be laughed at by a clerk lady, an egomaniac, a friendly stranger, an exquisitely-dressed talking horse, and my strictest college professor all at the same time? Bad, it feels bad.

But there wasn’t time to think about that, because the next event that transpired made everything else irrelevant. I suddenly found myself once again stuck to gum in that open field as if I had just transitioned there. I checked the sky to see if those pink clouds were back, but the sight I beheld was a much more horrifying one than mere clouds or pianos.

I didn't need a moment to recognize him. It was my roommate, twenty feet tall and staring down at me with his squinty eyes and that same obnoxious grin he always wore whenever he saw me. It was like he was both preparing to sell me something while trying not to laugh at something funny he had heard. He raised his arm in the air, making the entire world turn upside-down. The green grass beneath my feet all flew up into the sky, and the blue sky crashed into the ground below, yet I was still somehow stuck to the gum that was now floating in the middle of the sky.

I suppose it only makes sense that my roommate can do something like this.

Then, he stuck his finger into his ear and pulled out a strange glob of transparent mystery goo that I could have sworn I’d seen somewhere before.

Really, it's like my entire life's on the edge of my tongue right now.

He reared back and threw the glob straight at me with perfect accuracy. After splashing onto me, it felt as if it was trying to swallow me up. I tried to call out for help, but my tongue still wasn’t working, and I doubted that anyone was foolish enough to save me from my now omnipotent roommate. Through the transparent goo, I could barely make out his giant hand slowly reaching down toward me. Then, right as he was about to wrap his fingers around my goo-covered body…

I heard a loud crash, and my dream suddenly came to an end. It sounded to me like glass breaking, but I was a tad too disoriented to be sure or really care. I grabbed my forehead and jolted up in my bed.

Wait, how did I get in a bed? How did I get in this room? What was I doing before I fell asleep? Didn’t something strange happen last time I was conscious?

I had no idea how long I had been asleep, but I was still exhausted regardless. I quickly concluded that no matter what was going on, I could wait to freak out about it when I was in the right mindset for it all. I laid my head back on someone’s sufficiently comfortable pillow, and readied myself for another crazy dream.

There was a knock on Fluttershy’s door, and the sound of it sent her diving underneath her table. Wondering who could possibly want to speak with her at this hour, she peeked her head back out from under her table to nervously ask, "W-who’s there?"

"Just a pony with a problem. May I speak with you for a moment?" a deep, calming voice uttered from the other side of the door.

Fluttershy relaxed a little and carefully walked to her front door. She stuck her head out the partially opened door, a bit surprised to see a stallion she’d never met before on the other side of it. The unfamiliarity made her a little uncomfortable, but she opened the door up the rest of the way to hear what was troubling him.

"Um, can I help you?" she asked.

"Good evening, miss. My name is Mr. Rich," the stallion said with a respectful bow. "Of course, I’m sure you already knew that."

Fluttershy blinked in response to the stallion’s introduction. After a few seconds without a response, he accepted her silence as acknowledgement.

"Anyway, I’ve been informed that there’s a mare named Fluttershy at this address. Do you mind if I speak with her?"

Fluttershy looked down towards her necklace at the mention of her own name. "Um…that’s…that’s me," she replied in a barely audible tone.

Mr. Rich smiled confidently as if she had just purchased half his inventory. "Splendid! Now, correct me if I’m wrong, miss, but I heard that you’re good at dealing with wild animals?"

Fluttershy’s eyes shifted back up towards the wealthy stallion with a peculiar, new shine. "Oh, well, I've certainly spent a lot of time working with a bunch of different animals, but…"

"Fantastic," he said, cutting her off, "because there’s this odd creature that I...ran into on my way home tonight, and given the time of night I figured I wouldn’t be able to ask…"

Fluttershy gasped, suddenly becoming grossly invested in the stallion’s words. "It’s not an owl, is it? Because one of my owls got loose last night, and I’ve been looking for her everywhere. I’ve been so worried."

Filthy shook his head. "No, I’m afraid it’s definitely not an owl."

"Oh," Fluttershy said, sounding a bit depressed. "Well, you wouldn’t happen to have seen her by any chance, would you?" Fluttershy asked as she pulled out one of the flyers she had made for visual reference, displaying the image of a white owl perched on top of her head. She held the flyer in her teeth, her eyes full of hope.

"Er…I’m sorry, miss. I can’t say I have," he replied, shaking his head once again. "But, if you wouldn’t mind, could we get back on topic here?"

"Oh, no. Of course I don’t mind. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to change the subject like that. Please, go on. You said you found a strange creature?" Fluttershy asked as she put the flyer away, now more curious than anything.

Filthy cleared his throat. "Yes, well, you see, this thing passed out after crashing into some of my leftover wares, and I can’t seem to figure out how…"

Fluttershy’s eyes shot open like Pinkie Pie’s mouth, and every ounce of nervousness within her suddenly vanished like a cupcake placed near Pinkie Pie’s mouth. "There’s a hurt animal lying on the ground somewhere all alone?" she softly shouted, causing Mr. Rich to take a step backward in surprise.

"Um, actually I'd say it’s more like a sleeping animal, and I brought it up to my guest room after I noticed—"

"Is it sleeping okay? Did you make sure the pillow was soft enough? Were the sheets warm enough? It’s not having nightmares is it?" Fluttershy asked, taking more interest in the situation than the stallion himself.

Filthy rubbed the back of his neck ."I…um, well, it seemed fine when I left. It hasn’t moved since I brought it inside my—"

"Oh, the poor thing. It’s probably too terrified to move. I have to go check on it before—"

Fluttershy stopped as she heard a rapid tapping sound and looked back into her cottage to see a small rabbit impatiently stomping its foot as it stood atop a large, green book. She turned back to the stallion to regrettably squeak, "I’m sorry. Would you please excuse me for just a second?" She closed the door shut behind her; although the businesspony could still clearly hear her muffled voice from behind it.

"I know how much you love your bedtime story, but this sounds serious. You understand, don’t you?"

After the question was asked, Filthy almost felt the ground shake underneath his hooves as he heard a series of calamitous crashes and thumps and wondered what in the name of retail was going on in there.

"Come on, now. Who’s my little Angel?" Fluttershy asked after the chaos finally died down. "That’s more like it. Now, don’t you worry. I’ll be back in no time at all, and I’ll read you that story as soon as I get back. I promise."

Fluttershy reopened the door with a carrot wedged up her nose and her mane a bit disheveled.

Filthy smiled at the mare. "You sure handled that quickly. I guess you must be as good with animals as they say."

"Oh, no, I wouldn’t say that," Fluttershy replied as she yanked the carrot from her nose. "Angel’s just really understanding, that's all."

Filthy chuckled. "Yeah, I'd imagine. I’ve got an angel of my own who ‘understands’ me all the time."

Fluttershy perked up at the sound of that. "Oh, really? Maybe we could arrange a playdate? I’ve always wanted to find another bunny for Angel to spend time with when I’m not around. You wouldn't believe how lonely he can get when I’m away."

Filthy had to stop laughing once he realized the mare was serious. "Uh, mine doesn’t really play well with others," he said, not caring to explain his little joke. His comment made Fluttershy tilt her head in confusion, so he decided to get back to his main point. "Now, about that creature, do you think you can come and—"

"Oh, yes! That creature needs our help!" Fluttershy shouted in a serenely panicked manner. "Oh, what am I still doing just standing here? Bad Fluttershy! Bad!" She ran down the pathway leading from her house and headed straight into town.

"Guess I’ll take that as a ‘yes’," Filthy said to himself as he chased after her, wondering if the animal-loving mare even knew where she was going.

I’m not ready for another crazy dream.

As I relaxed in a stranger’s bed that night in the plain-looking bedroom someone had placed me in, I found myself facing a very peculiar dilemma. My body was practically writing a letter to the president demanding that I go to sleep, and the BGM was encouraging it. On top of that, the bed was even more comfortable than the one back in my apartment. However, my mind was too afraid of the notion of seeing my giga-roommate again to even consider sleep. All I could do was lie there and try to find some filling for my empty pie of memories.

My mom had once told me what to do in case of a sudden bout of amnesia, but I couldn’t quite remember what it was. I eventually decided to create a thought bubble of her so she could just tell me herself. After a little concentration, the fluffy, white cloud manifested itself above my head, and the image of my mother holding her whisk and wearing her signature apron appeared right across it. She spouted off the advice to me like a prerecorded message.

"Remember, son, if you ever get amnesia, you won’t remember me telling you this, so don’t bother trying."

That's it! Now I remember. I got eaten by a blob of floating goo in order to finally fulfill my dreams of finding a supernatural adventure, and, now I must be in some new supernatural world of wonder and excitement.

Well, isn't that a lovely trove of chestnuts? I'll never get to sleep now that I remember all that!

"What's the matter, sweetie? You look upset," my mother asked out of concern from within her white domicile.

"I've got insomnia, mom. It's the fourth grade all over again."

"Oh, honey lamb, don't worry. Just do what you did then. Visualize something that relaxes you, like your old stuffed octopus, Mr. Spider."

"Okay, I'll try. Thanks, Mom."

"Don't mention it, sweetie. By the way, how's school going? Are you still loving your classes?"

My classes...psychology...oh...puttypudge.

"Well, I just aced my second exam in psychology yesterday," I responded, preferring to avoid telling my mom about my very recent and drastic decision about my major.

"That's great news! Wait until your father hears about that. Just you wait, cornpop. Some day all that hard work's going to pay off, and you'll be glad that you kept your nose to the grindstone."

And the award for 'Most Awkward Conversation of the Day' goes to...

"All right then, Mom. Say 'hi' to my sister for me. Talk to you soon!" I wiped my thought bubble clean, glad that I did so before my mom started using deductive reasoning.

That's not going to be any easy sell when I have to tell them about all this.

Regardless, I decided to give my mom's visualization idea a try to help me get to sleep. Considering the tragedy of what happened to Mr. Spider, I figured it would be counterintuitive to use him as a topic for relaxation purposes. After some brainstorming, I realized there was only one thought I had stored away in the 'relaxing' category: my campus fountain.

Is that as pathetic as it sounds?

Pathetic or not, it turned out to be the perfect visual. The blissful sound of the endless stream of water gloriously accompanied the hushed melody of the BGM as the image spread across my mental cloud. My imagination embellished the scene by adding a beautiful rainbow in the background, and the shoddy donkey-horse sculpture remained as silent and tolerable as always the entire time.

Wait a second. ‘Horse'. Wasn't there something about that word I needed to remember?

"My daughter should be asleep by now, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t make too much noise when you see it."

"Oh, no, I would never. I wouldn’t want to frighten the poor thing."

"Are you sure you’re up to this?"

"Oh, of course. I couldn’t get to sleep tonight if I knew there was some poor animal that needed my help."

Voices?

They sounded like they were coming from just behind that door on the far wall. I couldn't be sure if they were actually supernatural beings or not from their voices, but there was a good chance that I was about to finally meet the creatures that were going to bring all my supernatural wishes to life.

The only problem was that I wasn't in the mood for it yet. Despite how anxious I was, I wasn’t prepared for any monotonous introduction processes at this level of exhaustion, so I popped my thought bubble and shut my eyes like they were a pair of romance novels, pretending to be sound asleep.

Whoever they are, they have to believe it’s rude to interrupt someone sleeping, right?

The door quietly opened, and I heard at least three or four pairs of hollow-sounding footsteps enter through it. I found it a bit strange considering I only heard two voices, so I deduced that either these were some very eccentric human beings who enjoyed crawling and wearing clogs, or they were something else entirely. I was hoping for the latter.

The intro music that started playing was strange as well. For one thing, I could barely hear it since it was even quieter than the BGM, which had lost so much volume that I knew it had to be nighttime. Mainly, though, I was confused that I could only hear the one tune. Since there were two distinct voices, that had to mean that I had already met one of these two creatures sometime before. I was almost tempted to take a small peek to see for myself, but I knew the cliff I’d be jumping off by doing that. After a long period of silence, I heard one of the voices speak up again.

"I’m not sure what it is. I’ve never seen anything like it," the more feminine voice of the two said in a whisper about a foot away from my ear.

That voice…is delicious.

Never in my life had I heard such a sound that I didn't want to ever stop. It was like a scoop of soft ice cream placed on top of a milky bar of chocolate in an empty void of serenity. If the owner of that voice was my shoulder angel, I’d do everything it said no matter how righteous. It was better than tennischess. It was better than thought. Even hearing those two short sentences was better than all the thought bubbles of peaceful horse statues I could make at once. That would be three. All I wanted to do was lie there and hear this unidentified creature say more words. In fact, I couldn’t have moved if I wanted to.

"It looks like it’s fast asleep," the perfect voice continued. "You said it just collapsed when you saw it for the first time?"

"That’s right," the less appealing voice responded. "At first I thought it was some kind of monster that came from the Everfree Forest, but then I noticed all the clothing it had on. Never heard of a monster that wore a watch before."

Okay, so they don’t know what I am, and they thought I was a monster at first. That can only mean...this is really happening. I am genuinely in a supernatural world, and two creatures from that world are right next to my bed talking about me! Also, they know what clothing is! Odd, I've never heard of a supernatural creature who—

That was when it all came back to me. The image of the brown, well-dressed horse with the out-of-place intro music I’d encountered pounded into my skull like a swing from my mallet.

So I'm in a world that contains normal-looking animals that wear clothes, sleep in beds, and talk normally? This has to be the most obscure paranormal find in human history! I have to learn more!

Since the horse with the less appealing voice was the one that said it found me, I concluded that it was the brown stallion I suddenly had burned into my memory. However, I was curious about what the other one looked like. I couldn’t really be sure if the other creature was another horse or some other type of animal with a giant nose and a funny-looking hat. It still wasn’t worth opening my eyes to check, though.

"You’re right," the voice above all others replied. "I’ve never see any kind of wild animal wear this much clothing. It doesn’t appear to have any claws or fangs either. I wonder if it’s even wild."

Don't...open...eyes.

"Well, do you see anything wrong with it? Does it look sick or hurt or anything?" the ordinary voice asked.

I felt some form of hair brush up against my neck as a very gentle appendage of some sort rested itself against my forehead. I figured one of them was either getting a closer look at my face or just double checking to see if my pimple was really that massive.

"Its breathing is normal, at least compared to animals I know, and it doesn’t seem to have a temperature, but it does look really, really tired. We should leave before we accidentally wake it up."

Aw, don’t go yet. You’ve only said four lines!

"Well, alright then. I just wanted to make sure there wasn’t anything dangerous about it before I let it spend the night in my house."

"Oh no, I don’t see anything dangerous about this creature. It reminds me of a monkey more than a monster. I think we should let it stay here for the night and then help it find its way back to wherever it came from in the morning. That is, if that’s okay with you, Mr…um,"

"Please, call me Mr. Rich, and it'd be my pleasure. I’ve certainly got the room for it, and it seemed a bit cruel to just leave it there on the ground in the condition it was in."

"Oh yes, and I’m so glad you didn’t. This poor thing looks like it hasn’t slept in weeks. I’m sure it’ll be very appreciative of your hospitality."

"So, you wouldn't mind coming back first thing in the morning to take another look, would you?"

"Oh, I wouldn't dream of not coming back, Mr. Rich. How does nine o’clock sound?"

I imagined how they would react if I suddenly just asked how much time that would give me to sleep. I couldn’t tell if it would frighten them or if they would just attack me, but either way I felt it was best to continue fake sleeping. Since they thought I was some kind of monkey monster, they probably didn’t even think I could talk anyway. It was ironic, yes, but it was also definitely too early in the adventure to stir up that much of a plot twist.

"Great, I’ll see you then. Thank you for your cooperation, Miss Fluttershy."

"Oh…um, well, I didn’t really do anything, but you’re welcome. And you can just call me Fluttershy…if you want, that is."

As I cherished those last few golden words, I heard the door close and the footsteps fade off into the distance, leaving only the original BGM to fill the empty sound space.

I made a vow at that moment that I would not leave that building past nine, lest I miss out on hearing that voice again. Of course, I had no idea where I would go if I did decide to leave, so my vow was probably completely unnecessary. One thing I did know, though, was that I had names now: Mr. Rich and Fluttershy.

It turned out that voice relaxed me more than I suspected, because as I felt my consciousness slipping away, not even the sudden realization that I hadn't brushed my teeth was enough to keep me awake. All I could think about was the floating goo that brought me to that little bedroom and how grateful I was for its existence.

Monday, March 31

Diamond had it all figured out. If everything went smoothly, she’d have her tiara back before lunchtime.

She had spent the previous night racking her brain trying to come up with a way out of her punishment. She knew she’d never resolve the situation if she just waited for it all to pass considering how serious those nay-saying grownups were about it all. She needed a new battle plan or she was going to lose this fight, and if she lost, then everypony lost. The way she saw it, she was about to do all of Ponyville a favor by getting that tiara back on her head.

She thought through several possibilities as she lay there on her dessert-stained bed that night, clutching her pillow like a stuffed animal as she plotted.

She could try to steal it back or find a way to get a new one. No, then she’d have to hide it or it would just be taken away again, and nopony would even see it.

She could act extremely depressed and wait for her parents to take pity on her. No, that would take too long, and she had no patience to wait for something this important.

She could try wearing something else on her head until they all believed it didn’t matter what she wore. Ugh, no, anything else would just look hideous, and she’d rather die than go around wearing something hideous.

She stayed up long past her bedtime trying to come up with a solution, her frustration building as she found fault with each new idea until she finally got so angry that she grabbed the nearest object she could find and threw it across the room in anger. Unfortunately, the object she happened to grab was one of her school textbooks that she was using as stepping stool. It soared straight into her mirror, shattering it with a loud, reverberating crash that made her cat fly up to the ceiling in shock.

At first, she was worried that somepony might have heard the crash and would come up to yell at her about it, but she sighed in relief when she didn’t hear any immediate angry, stomping noises approaching her bedroom. She stared at the broken glass on the floor. It reminded her of her original broken tiara and the stupid incident that started all this. She recalled the insulting comments those blank flanks had made during that distressing situation, and that’s when an idea popped into her head.

A smile crept back onto her face as the gears started to turn inside her head. The idea she had imagined was so simple that she couldn’t believe she hadn't thought of it before. She considered the details about it more and more, realizing the sheer genius behind it as she gleefully squeezed her cat which had just begun to calm back down. It wasn't exactly the most glamorous plan ever, but the fact that it was guaranteed to get her tiara back genuinely made her happier than she had been in over a week.

Her dad was coming home that night from his business trip, and she didn't want to risk him finding out she was up past her bedtime and punishing her even further, so she decided to make the sacrifice and go straight to bed without rinsing off her ice cream coating first. It was obnoxiously uncomfortable, and the excitement she felt made it difficult to fall asleep, but it was still the best night sleep she had gotten in seven days.

After waking up, she practically sprung out of bed and dashed straight out of her bedroom door, too excited to even notice how messy she and her room still were. However, her enthusiasm took a small detour after making her way to the family dining room table, because she soon found that something very odd was going on.

First of all, she found it curious that her dad wasn’t already there. He had said he would be coming back the previous night, and he never missed breakfast on Mondays. Not even his newspaper was present.

Secondly, even though her dad wasn’t at the table yet, somepony had already set the table and made breakfast. The curious thing about it all was that there were three plates set out on the table as opposed to the usual two. Her mom wasn't supposed to get back from her cruise until Thursday, and her dad had said nothing before he left about bringing any company over. Did he invite somepony he met on his business trip to breakfast? If that were true, why wasn’t he there right now making small talk and lobbying for a merge? None of it was adding up. She needed to go find her dad and ask him what was going on herself.

She checked her dad’s bedroom first. She opened the door to find not only was he not there, but his bed was undisturbed as if it had just been made. She started to wonder if her dad had even come home at all the previous night, and the idea didn't sit well in her stomach. She walked down the hallway, searching through all the other rooms she could find and slamming the doors incrementally louder with each failed check. He wasn’t in his office, the study, the foyer, the playroom, the attic, the panic room, the backyard, or any of the twenty-seven closets. At this point, she was beginning to worry for her dad’s wellbeing. She didn’t even want to imagine how she’d cope if anything were to happen to him.

"Dad!" she called out from the middle of the hallway. There was no response, so she called out again slightly louder and more distraughtly.

"Dad!"

Still nothing. She’d almost run out of places to look, and the fear of the situation was really starting to seep in. She was now standing in front of their guest room. They never really had guests over, so the room usually served as much purpose as her classmates' brains. She had wanted to turn it into a second room for herself, but her dad wanted them to always be ready to have company over. Lousy, imaginary company.

Still, this was the only bedroom she hadn’t tried yet, so it couldn’t hurt to check. She slowly opened the door and found the sight inside somewhat disturbing. For one, her dad wasn’t there, which contributed to further her frustration. However, what really piqued her interest was the fact that the bed inside the room wasn’t undisturbed like her dad’s was. In fact, it looked like somepony had just gotten out of it.

There had to be an explanation for all this. Did her dad sleep in this room last night? Maybe he was really tired when he got back. This room is closer to the front door than his bedroom. Maybe he just went into the closest room he could find. It wasn’t that farfetched of an idea. Of course, that still left the question of where he was now, though. Maybe he did invite a guest over to butter up for a business deal, but he had to go pick her up first and he didn't want his precious little daughter to go hungry while he was gone.

Yeah, and then he was coming right back with his guest, which is why he had set up three plates. It all made too much sense to not be true.

As Diamond Tiara convinced herself of how right she was, the fear in her mind was swept away, and she happily skipped back toward the dining room to await her dad’s return.

It felt so good to be at 100% again. I never imagined that I'd get to experience a full eight hours of sleep in the middle of the semester. Apples might be a decent source of vitamin C and superhuman strength, but they just couldn’t beat the feeling of genuine sleep.

This supernatural endeavor had already given me more than I could ask just from that. I was thinking so clearly that the world around me almost looked shinier, and the BGM almost sounded happy to be playing. Thanks to how good I felt, it only took me a few seconds to remember the wackiness of last night. I remembered it all: flying through Purple World, Mr. Rich’s dollar sign tie, Fluttershy’s perfect voice, me somehow forgetting everything, and all the other special events that happened within a few measly hours.

I jumped out of that bed like a flipped coin to begin my quest to solve the mystery of what not on Earth was going on. The idea of a supernatural adventure waiting right outside that door made me too excited to keep it closed. I couldn't begin to imagine all the fun, interesting things that awaited me right behind it, so I headed straight for it to discover what was in store. My first observation of this world came as I reached out my hand to open the door. My hand was still shiny, but I was too thrilled to care. The door had a doorknob just like the ones I was familiar with, but it wouldn’t turn. After some experimentation, I found that the door opened without actually turning the knob. I was reminded that this building belonged to a creature of the equestrian variety, so it would make sense that the doors would be designed for such creatures.

So, what’s even the point of a doorknob for a door like that then?

Putting that thought in storage for the moment, I walked out the door and took a look at my surroundings.

Judging from the hallway alone, the house seemed eerily similar to one that a human would live in. There an impressive number of nearby doors which probably also had pointless doorknobs, there was one of those small lamps that forced you to buy a small table to put it on, there was a small bookcase full of those thick books with the multicolored covers that no one ever reads, and there was even one of those small, random circular modules latched onto the wall that everyone knows is important but no one ever considers what its actual purpose is.

All of it felt so familiar that I almost forgot that the odds of me even being on my home planet anymore were about the same as me ever getting back to it. Then I remembered this house was owned by a talking horse, and my sense of adventure took hold of me once again.

Since this was my first ever supernatural encounter, I possessed very limited information about how these things were supposed to work. All I had to go on were what I'd seen in movies and stories I'd heard from my friends and family. Therefore, I decided my first objective was to find this house’s owner. Since he was the only creature I could recognize on sight, I figured he’d be the best one to ask about how to get things started. I made my way through the well-furnished living quarters as I searched for the attired animal.

I had no idea where to start, considering the amount of doors, so I decided to just choose one and see what was behind it. This strategy led me into what I assumed to be the place’s kitchen, which was foolishly left empty and unguarded. Upon arriving at said kitchen, I received a reminder of one of the physical problems I was still having, courtesy of my stomach.

I was starving.

I suppose the phrase "I’m so hungry I could eat a horse" might have been appropriate, albeit in bad taste, but seeing as how the last things I’d eaten were an apple and the few ounces of toothpaste I’d accidentally swallowed while brushing my teeth the previous night, it wasn’t the time to be concerned about ethical word phrasing.

I searched through some of the drawers and cabinets to see what was inside them. I was actually sort of curious to see what sort of strange diet Mr. Rich and his kind possessed. I'd heard that some supernatural beings ate abstract concepts rather than physical nutrients, and I wanted to see what one of those actually tasted like. However, I had to say I was underwhelmed at what I found.

There was primarily just a bunch of flowers, hay, and other forms of vegetation that I’d expect an ordinary horse would eat. However, I was surprised to find copious amounts of baking ingredients within the wooden cabinets. There was probably enough flour in there to make about seventeen cakes, three pies, and a life-size model of an oven to bake it all in. I couldn't really find anything to eat myself, but I did stumble upon an interesting new idea.

What if I made breakfast for Mr. Rich and Fluttershy?

It was the perfect way to reveal I was capable of sentience without having to resort to any senseless gabbing. Plus, it would probably net me a great deal of experience right off the bat. My sister had once informed me that experience was important to an adventure that started in a bed with amnesia.

I grabbed two plates from the drawer and started haphazardly laying out an assortment of the plant life on top of them like I was topping a pizza, the excitement of . My cooking skills amounted to pouring things into other things, so I had no idea what I was doing in a culinary sense, but I was making a meal for a horse and possibly another horse, so how picky could they possibly be?

Then, a light went on in my head, and I recalled Mr. Rich mentioning something about having a daughter before he came into my room the night before. That being the case, I quickly made another plate on the off chance I could get some bonus experience for paying attention.

Even in this world, my watch was still working, and it showed the time to be 8:44 AM. Fluttershy had said she'd arrive at nine, so I hurried my completed dishes into the next room, where I found what I assumed to be the dining room.

I set up the plates on the table in front of three of the chairs. My rampant hunger was making even the assortment of grasses and weeds I’d prepared look appetizing, but eating raw plants was a one of the easiest ways to get some kind of foodborne illness. Frankly, I'd prefer starvation.

After setting everything up, I spotted a typical-looking newspaper lying right there in front of me. My excitement spiked as I imagined what kind of crazily fantastical current events it might contain. I picked it up, practically trembling with anticipation as I read the headline, "Local Flower To Bloom In Two Days".

All right, I think every word of that sentence just bored me. And I'm me.

Seeing as how that was the headline of the paper, I didn’t bother to look at anything else. I simply put it in my hammerspace in case it could come in handy later. If there was one thing I knew about adventuring, it was the importance of developing a good inventory as soon as possible.

I did happen to spot the date at the top of the paper before I put it away, though. It said it was Monday, March 31st, so I figured it must have been yesterday’s paper.

I guess that means there's only one day until that flower blooms then. How will I handle the suspense?

You know, this strange new world has a strange way of being strange. I've already been here for almost half a day, and the most unusual thing I've seen is an oddly-crafted door. Sure, I slept through most of that half day, but so far my adventure has amounted to sarcasm, reading, and food preparation. Aren't encounters supposed to be an endless fountain of excitement or something? Maybe I'm just doing something wrong.

As I tried to imagine what I needed to do to spice up my adventuring soup, suddenly the sound of a door slamming shocked me out of my thoughts.

It was odd. I had been waiting this whole time for anything to show up so I could get my adventure started, but as soon as I heard that door slam, I zoomed back into the kitchen so fast that a cloud of dust in the shape of my body manifested. I couldn’t believe it, but my antisocial tendencies were actually making me afraid to be seen by one of these unknown creatures.

Get it together. You have to talk to one of them sooner or later, so just get it over with now. Go out there and introduce yourself.

I couldn’t do it. As I heard the approaching footsteps, all I could do was stand there in that empty kitchen and hope that nothing gave me away.

There were two sets of footsteps, which I assumed to mean one creature if last night was any indication, though these ones had a slightly faster rhythm to them. I leaned up against the wall, hoping that whatever it was would start talking to itself so I could discern if it was one of the two from last night. Between the two, I was hoping for Fluttershy if only for the fact that there was a chance I'd finally get a glimpse of what she actually looked like. However, soon I heard the same footsteps walk back out of the room, followed by the sound of a rapid succession of doors being opened and shut back.

That doesn’t sound good. Is someone looking for me? Should I have just stayed in my room and waited there for someone to show up? I hope I didn't do anything sacrilegious to these creatures.

After about another minute of the slamming barrage, I finally did hear a voice. It was an earsplitting scream that sounded like it was from a young girl with a big mouth.

"Dad!" the voice called out, making my entire body waver like someone just blasted a trumpet through my ear.

A few seconds later she yelled it again, only louder and somewhat pathetically. The second yell actually made me feel bad that I was just standing there hiding while she was looking for her dad. I assumed from what she was shouting, she was probably that daughter that Mr. Rich mentioned. Since she didn’t know where he was either, I started to get concerned that he was telling some of his other friends about my being here. The last thing I wanted was to become a local celebrity.

Just think of all the talking that would involve.

I heard a final door open and close, and all the racket finally stopped. I couldn't tell if she'd actually found him or just given up hope. I probably would have been a bit more proactive if I weren’t such a pineapple in a vineyard at the moment. I still wasn’t sure what sort of reaction I’d get if I were to show my face now or what reaction I’d have to seeing another talking horse.

A talking horse's daughter would be a talking horse, right? Can I assume that to be true?

As I continued to hide right behind the corner of that kitchen wall, something suddenly happened that drowned and strangled all my preoccupations. Those same quick footsteps came back into the dining room, and I heard a chair slide against the dining room floor. Then, an unmistakable sound graced my ears like the world going silent. It was the sound of eating, which I could only take to mean one thing: Mr. Rich's daughter was eating the meal I had made.

It wasn't that I was thrilled to have someone appreciate my little gesture. It took me less time than a montage, and I didn't even do a very good job on it. No, this sound made time stand still for a much more significant reason. It was a sound that made me finally realize something about this world that made my mind almost boggle: I wasn't being ignored here.

At least through Fluttershy and the Rich family, I was having a physical effect on a supernatural world. It was a small effect, yes, but it was mine, and it was very real.

It was at that point that I knew this world wasn't going to disappoint me, and that fact alone brought the biggest smile to my face that a stick of dynamite couldn't have blown off. I didn't believe in eternity, but at that moment, I wanted to sit there and listen to that sound for at least seven of them.

Shut Up

Chpt. 11 - Shut Up

Monday, March 31

It wasn’t the worst breakfast Diamond had ever had. The meals her dad usually made were pretty bland whenever he tried to make them himself. Last time he'd made toast with no jam and pancakes without syrup. At least this time he'd remembered to put flowers on top of the hay. She cleaned her whole plate and leaned back in her chair as she waited for her dad to finally come back.

She would have just gone off to school on her own, but she wanted to stay in case he needed to use her cuteness again as a persuasive technique against this guest he was bringing over. What was taking him so long, anyway? It wasn't like him to go off for this long and leave her waiting like this. After all, she was his little princess, and he would never do anything important without letting her know about it.

She wondered if he had a surprise planned for her. He didn’t usually do anything like that while she was being punished, but maybe he was feeling guilty about it and wanted to make it up to her. In any case, it wasn’t like he shouldn’t have felt guilty after what he’d put her through.

She just wanted her dad to get back already so she could get to work on her brilliant plan to end the punishment once and for all. It was the sort of scheme that only she could have figured out, the kind that took a special kind of mind to dream up. She doubted even Miss Cherilee would see it coming, and the more she envisioned it in her mind, the more confident she felt about it succeeding.

However, as she rested her head on her hoof in gleeful contemplation, the feel of her hoof against her face snapped her back into reality. Her hoof didn't feel clean and smooth like it normally did. It felt sticky and slimy. In fact, so did most of her body. That's when she finally noticed: she was still covered in the strawberry ice cream from last night’s gorge.

She instinctively jerked her hoof away from her face, sending tiny pink droplets of half-spoiled ice cream flying off it onto the dining room carpet. At first, the texture and sight of the lumpy, pink substance made her turn slightly green, but then realization rang in her mind like a choir of bells.

She turned her head, eyes wide with horror, to see a trail of pink sludge extending into the endless darkness of the hallway behind her. After that wild scavenger hunt for her dad, she knew it had to have stained every room in the house. Her dad would be breathing fire out his nose once he saw this.

Her mind started racing as she attempted to think of a way to clean up the mess or find something else to pin the blame on, when suddenly she heard a noise that redirected her attention. It was a deep, rumbling growl, and it sounded like it came from the kitchen. Realizing she had never actually searched the kitchen, she wondered if her dad had been in there the entire time.

"D-dad, is that you?" she asked hesitantly, unsure if she actually wanted it to be him. After a few seconds without a response, she got up from her chair and slowly started approaching the kitchen door. "Dad, I can explain," she began.

Still getting no response, her anxiety started to transform into confusion. Her dad got mad and her dad got quiet, but never both. She was starting to suspect that whatever was behind that door wasn't who she thought it was. Then again, she hadn’t heard another noise other than that first growl, so maybe it had been her imagination. No, she couldn’t have been mistaken. She had perfect hearing. There was definitely something in the kitchen, and whether it was her dad or not, she had to find out what it was.

She gathered up all her courage, raised her hoof up against the door, and shoved it aside like it was one of her classmates standing in her way.

Why did my stomach choose now of all times to betray me? Did my brain fail to let it know I was trying to hide? Of course it did. My stomach and brain haven't spoken to each other since that time I tried green tea. Now what do I do? Never mind my disgust with conversations. What do I even say?

My insides felt like they were on public television and they was about to go live. Calming down was a kiss to the elbow at this point, so I just tried to hold onto that small possibility that the hay-muncher hadn't heard anything.

"D-dad, is that you?" I heard from the other room.

I'd give my face such a palm right now if it weren’t for the resulting sound effect.

I heard the chair slide out again and the familiar sound of four footsteps approaching. The thought of interacting with an actual supernatural entity was too overwhelming. I couldn’t handle the reality of it. Sweat was exploding off my face like the sun dropped by for a visit as my mind got to work searching for any and every potential escape option at my disposal.

The only door into this room is the one I entered through. All I have in my inventory is my mallet, my wallet, a newspaper, a book, some fliers, and a green toothbrush. None of those can provide me with any quick means of escape, so I'll need to get creative. There's an open window by the sink that I could try zooming through, but I already vowed that I wouldn't leave this house until Fluttershy got here. I’m probably afraid enough to smash through the wall into the next room, but with the crash that would make, I might as well just paint bright red spots all over my body. If I still had that one pencil from my exam, I could just draw a door on the wall and sneak into the next room. Why'd I have to waste it on that pinkhearted good deed? If only they had a painting or a picture hanging on the wall, I could just skidoo into it, but alas, this is a kitchen, and I'm unlucky.

"Dad, I can explain."

That makes one of us.

All my ideas came up short, and I couldn't think of any method of getting away without either being seen or going outside. I could tell Mr. Rich's daughter was right outside the door, and I could feel the anvil of inevitability casting its shadow over me. In my last few moments, a plan finally surfaced that I could get behind. It wasn't an escape plan, but it would prevent me from having to talk. As I saw the door begin to open, I dropped on all fours, bracing myself for what was on the other side of it.

Diamond let out a high-pitched yelp the second she saw it. As soon as the door was out of her way, she was left standing face to face with the most hideous creature that had ever disgraced her eyes. The orange mess on top of what she believed to be its head was the only thing close to hair she could identify on it; its eyes were unnervingly dull and colored a disgustingly muddy shade of brown; there were two c-shaped things jutting out from the side of its head that she could only hope were its ears; and not counting its head, it was covered from head to toe in clothing so plain that vomiting on it wouldn't have been a strong enough response. She had no idea what a monster like this was doing inside her kitchen, but suffice it to say, being sticky was no longer her main concern.

Her dad had told her to never run from a wild animal, so she just stood there, immobile, her eyes tightly shut, unable to even look at it. She was trembling in both fear and disgust, waiting for somepony, anypony to show up with a leash or a meat cleaver and get it away from her. An entire minute passed, and she found herself slowly opening her left eye to see if the creature was still there. It was, and it seemed to be just staring at her. Its eyes were distended and malicious, peering down at her almost...hungrily. She knew this monster wanted something from her, and she didn't think flowers and hay were going to satisfy it. All she could do was hold still and hope to Celestia that the orange monstrosity didn't care for the taste of spoiled ice cream.

Give me a second here. I want to remember this moment for the rest of eternity.

My brain almost couldn't fathom it. I was in the same room as a paranormal creature, and she was close enough for me to sneeze on. My inner child was jumping around inside my brain like a bouncy castle, trying to get the rest of my body to respond.

The second that door moved out of the way, I was examining her like an angry critic. I think she screamed or something, but I was too consumed by curiosity to hear any such noise.

From the first glance, there was one thing about her that really drew my attention. She was unbelievably pink. Her body was pink, her mane was pink, her eyebrows were pink, and even her outline was pink. She was so pink that it made me second-guess the fact that Mr. "Brown and Black" Rich was actually her dad. The only thing that wasn't pink about her were her blue eyes, which I only saw for a split-second before she forced them shut like she was trying to conceal them from me. I knew I needed a name to associate with her for the moment other than "Mr. Rich's daughter", so I settled on the only appropriate name there was for her: Pinkie.

Pinkie's intro theme matched her appearance perfectly. It was sweet, melodious, and full of life, sounding like something that would play in an ice cream parlor or at a sanitary amusement park. The only problem with it was how unnaturally loud it was. It felt as if the music was trying to hammer in just how sweet and innocent she really was. Fluttershy's theme it was not, but at least it wasn't harsh sounding like Rook's.

That was really about it. Pinkie was a small, pink pony. She was like a little girl's dream come to life. If she were brown like her dad, she'd have looked like a regular horse. However, I knew better than to judge a paranormal creature based on pretenses. If this had happened a few days ago, I would have begun psychoanalyzing her already, but now that I had thrown off those shackles, my mind was only focused on one question: what powers did she have?

She has to have at least a few. There's no such thing as a supernatural creature without powers. That would be like a tag team without a heated argument. I just need to figure out how to get her to show them to me. Unfortunately, I think it's going to require...words.

It wasn't going to be easy. Pinkie still wouldn't even open her eyes, and she looked like she was either very cold or fully mortified. That didn't sit well with me. If I were really scaring her this badly, that meant I was a better antagonist when I wasn't trying to be one. I had thought that getting on all fours like this would make myself look both less intimidating and sociable, but apparently I was only half-right. Regardless, at this rate she wasn't going to show me anything other than how long she could keep her eyes closed, so something needed to be done to change the flow of the scene.

Then, as if my narration willed it, Pinkie reopened her left eye as if she wanted to get another look at me. I couldn’t get a good read of what she was thinking, but she clearly wasn’t too thrilled that I was in her kitchen. Another thirty seconds passed, and she slowly opened her other eye and her face reverted to a neutral expression as she finally stopped trembling. I thought she was about to get bored of me and leave, so I chose to act before that happened.

I came up with an idea to give her something to say without saying anything myself. I pulled out the newspaper from my hammerspace and dropped it to the kitchen floor right in between us, hoping for the first time in my life that my actions would somehow spark a discussion.

Pinkie tilted her head down to look at it and gasped as if she found something about it that interested her. At first, I thought she was just surprised to read about that blooming flower. Then, she slowly tilted her head back up just enough so that I could see her two eye-monsters glaring up at me. Her mouth had descended into a grimace, her pink eyebrows had narrowed, and her overall expression now matched the one Rook made when I beat him at tennischess. Pinkie was mad.

Her gaze shot straight through me with an astoundingly piercing brilliance as she took her first step towards me. That's when I noticed it. As she menacingly slammed her hoof onto the floor, a slime matching her fur color oozed out of it, creating a pink puddle on the white kitchen floor. My eyes gleamed so brightly at the sight I thought I was going blind. I had heard of slime monsters before, but never ones that looked like horses. If that was what I was dealing with here, then I'd just won the most ridiculous lottery I could ever hope to win. I couldn't help myself. I had to smile to the highest possible degree: a full toothy grin. That got me a quick uppercut to the jaw.

I regret very little.

Pinkie's attack wasn’t overly powerful, but given my quadrupedal position, it sent me tumbling onto my back and made my eyes spin wildly as my head slammed against the kitchen floor. As I tried to still my eyes, I got to experience the pleasant feeling of a small horse jumping onto my chest, her slime oozing out onto my clothes from the impact. Her teeth were clenched, she was trembling again, and given the circumstances, I'm surprised her eyes weren't on fire yet. I imagined Pinkie was about to pull out a giant weapon from her hammerspace or use some side effect from her slime to turn me inside out, but all I got was a harsh, threatening question asked barely above a whisper.

"What did you to my dad?"

…I think we both know of the price that comes with popularity. I’ve already payed mine, princess. Now it’s your turn. Prepare yourself, for in a fortnight’s time, your beloved Elements will be gone. You have been warned.

Sincerely,

Your Friend

"'The price that comes with popularity', what do they mean by that?" Twilight asked herself as she reread the letter for the seventeenth time that morning. Nine days had already passed, and there were still no signs of anything resembling a threat that might attempt to steal the Elements of Harmony. Neither she nor her friends had had any trouble protecting them, and she was afraid that there was something in the letter that had been overlooked.

"Twilight, you’ve read that thing over a hundred times already. Don’t you think if there was something you missed, you would have caught it by now?" Spike sleepily asked as he walked down the stairs, noting that his friend was in the exact same spot as when he went to bed.

"It just isn’t making any sense, Spike. There has to be something I’m not seeing here," she groaned as she flipped through some reference materials she had spread out along her desk.

"What do you mean?" Spike asked as he gathered up the unholy mess of books scattered along the floor.

Twilight held up the notorious letter with her magic. "Princess Celestia said she didn’t know who sent this letter, but the author clearly knows who she is and speaks as if they have a history together. It’s even signed ‘your friend’."

"Well, maybe it's been a long time since they've seen each other and she just doesn't remember them," he suggested, now holding a large stack of books at least three times his size.

Twilight shook her head. "I doubt that, Spike. You can never forget a good friend."

Spike reached for the last book left on the ground with his free claw while trying not to drop his stack. "But what if this thing wasn’t a good friend? What if they had some falling out and never spoke to each other again?"

"Then it would make even less sense for Princess Celestia to forget about it, now wouldn’t it?" Twilight closed the book she was reading and picked up another one.

"So, wait a second. Does that mean this whole thing's a fake after all?" Spike asked hopefully, trying to pick up the book with his hind claw.

"I wish it were, Spike, but I'm afraid that's no longer a possibility. In fact, it never was," Twilight gravely replied, her focus still on her books.

"How come?" Spike asked, reaching for the book with his tail.

Twilight tapped the letter twice with her hoof. "The author of this letter knew about Malice and mentions it by name. That kind of information can't be found in any library throughout Equestria. The only ones who even knew about it at the time this letter was sent were the princesses, my friends, and me. My friends and I were off fighting Malice, so we couldn't have told anypony, and I honestly doubt either of the princesses would go around telling that to random ponies on the street."

Spike finally managed to grab the book with his tail as Twilight finished. "So, how did this guy find out then?" he asked.

"There's only one way I can think that it could have found out about our battle with Malice without anypony knowing about it." Twilight closed her book and solemnly turned to face Spike. "It's been spying on us."

"Spying on us?" Spike shouted, dropping all the books he was holding in shock. He grumbled as he bent down to pick them up again.

"That's right, Spike. If you think about it, it all makes sense. Even if they've only been secretly watching us for a few weeks, they could have easily overheard the princess telling us about Malice. Plus, think how much easier it would be for them to infiltrate the castle and drop this letter somewhere without anyone seeing. If they were careful enough, they could have easily done it without magic."

"But if that's true, shouldn’t they also know the Elements of Harmony were moved here?"

"That's exactly what I thought, and that’s what’s confusing me the most."

"Huh?" Spike gave Twilight a funny look.

"This letter says that the Elements of Harmony will be gone within the span of two weeks, but it’s already been over a week and nothing’s happened. Even the princess has reported that there have been no signs of distress in Canterlot. If they already know where the Elements are, then why haven't they done anything yet?"

Spike scratched his head. "Well, didn't you tell Rarity that they could just be waiting for one of you to go off on your own or something?"

"I did think that, but I've come to realize that idea doesn't make any sense."

"Why not?"

"If they really are just waiting for us to separate, why did they put a deadline on their threat? If they could just strike at any time, it would be much easier just to say they were coming to steal the Elements of Harmony and leave it at that."

"Maybe that's it! Maybe they can’t strike at any time! Maybe it’ll take some more time for them to get here."

"Or…maybe they’re already here!"

"What?" Spike dropped his books again, not bothering to pick them back up this time.

"Think about it. Suppose this letter was written by the changelings. It would explain everything. With their ability to shapeshift, they could have been spying on us for years without us realizing it. For all we know, they've been secretly replacing everypony in town one by one. If they take over the entire town, they'll have us cornered!"

"Uh, Twilight…"

"I've got to give them credit. It's a brilliant plan, but it's not going to work while I'm on the job. Come on, Spike. We have to take action before we're the only ones left. I’ll use my true identity spell on everypony in town if I have to." Twilight threw a few books into her saddlebag and placed it on her back.

"Twilight…"

"I just hope we’re not too late. Oh, how could I not think of this sooner?" Twilight began quickly making her way to the door.

"Twilight!"

Twilight came screeching to a halt at the sound of Spike's outburst. She turned back to face him, looking at him with impatience in her eyes.

Spike's arms were crossed and he had a stern expression on his face. He looked as if he'd had something on his mind for an entire week that needed to be said. "Are you sure that you’re not overreacting to all this? Even just a little?"

Twilight responded almost immediately. "Overreacting? Overreacting? Have you been paying attention at all, Spike? Have you seen this letter? Have you considered the depraved monster that might have written it? Have you even thought about what all this could mean for the future of Equestria?"

Not wanting to set Twilight off again, Spike softened his expression and tried to be more sympathetic in his approach. "I’m just worried about you, Twilight. You cast that 'sleep with your eyes open' spell on yourself, you set up so many booby traps in here that ponies can’t even come in to check out books anymore, you can't go half an hour without checking on your friends through these dumb telescopes, and I mean, ]seven forcefields?" He opened the window to look at the multiple layers of protection Twilight had set up around the library.

"I told you Spike, the first one’s in case of griffons, the second one’s for manticores, the next three are for dragons…"

"I know, I know, that’s not my point," Spike interrupted, trying to stay focused. "It’s just…all you’ve done for the last nine days is worry about something that’s coming to steal the Elements. Don’t you remember what happened the last time you worried about the future like this?"

"Of course I remember, Spike, but this is completely different," Twilight replied.

"How?" Spike asked blankly.

"Back then, I was worrying about some vague disaster that my future self warned me about, but this time I’m preparing myself for a potential danger that Princess Celestia warned me about. It's practically night and day."

"But you told me you were going to just let the future handle itself. You said you were going to solve problems as they came."

"Right, and if the town’s getting replaced by changelings, that’s a problem that I can solve right now. Now let’s get going before it’s too late."

"But Twilight, you—" Spike’s words were interrupted as he let out a belch of green flame. The flame transformed into a scroll, which fell onto the floor in front of Twilight.

"The princess must have decided to send this morning’s report a bit early. I sure hope it’s good news." Twilight opened the scroll to read it aloud.

My faithful student Twilight,

I am pleased to report that the potential threat specified in that letter from last week has yet to make good on its promise. There have been no signs of trouble on my end, and I am relieved to hear the same is true on yours. Knowing you, I’m sure you’ve left no stone unturned in your efforts to keep Equestria safe, and I commend both you and your friends for your dedication and commitment.

"Sounds like good news to me," Spike happily remarked.

However…

"Uh-oh." Spike frowned.

…while I appreciate your cooperation in protecting the Elements, I wanted to make sure it hasn’t been your only priority this past week. While it’s true that they are timeworn artifacts of great power and significance, we mustn’t let them take precedence over what's truly important.

Remember, it was only through the incredible bond you share with your friends that the Elements were able to harness their power in the first place, and weakening that bond by guarding the Elements behind closed doors would only hurt our chances of fending off this looming threat. Therefore, I respectfully ask that you continue your skillful protection of your Element, but please don’t spend all your time cooped up in the library. If the worst does indeed come to pass, we’ll need the magic of your friendship to be stronger than ever.

Sincerely,
Princess Celestia

Twilight let the letter fall to the floor, her eyes wide with fear as the gravity of the letter sunk in. "What have I done?" she muttered to herself before sprinting out of the library, throwing open the door with her magic and dropping all seven forcefields as she dashed outside.

Spike was left alone, bewildered at how quickly Twilight had run out. He felt comforted that the princess had responded to the extra note he put in their last letter about Twilight’s obsessive behavior. He just hoped Twilight wasn’t planning to do anything crazy after reading her response.

He picked it up from where she dropped it and noticed a small section at the end that the purple mare seemed to have overlooked in her hasty departure.

P.S. If you happen to run into our new guest, please don't be afraid of it. It may be a bit strange, but I can assure you it's harmless. Please be sure to give it a nice, warm welcome. I'm sure Pinkie will be more than happy to handle that.

I think Pinkie's trying to punch me with her eyes.

It wasn't my original plan, but it seemed that making Pinkie mad was probably the most ideal path I could have taken. Not only did it break the ice and let me see one of her powers, but I didn't even have to say anything to do it.

She was looking down at me now, her slime dripping off her mane and onto my clothes and face. It was warm and sticky just like I imagined, and it smelled and tasted like spoiled dairy. My next objective was to find out what purpose it served. For that to happen, I needed to make her angrier.

"I’m not going to ask again. What did you do with my dad?" she threatened again as she stomped down on my chest so hard it made my eyes pop out like a squeeze toy. It was painful, but it was like getting kicked in the stomach by a celebrity or someone wearing a monocle. It was too much of an honor to be uncomfortable. Besides, for an antagonist, getting hurt was like getting messy. It was practically a second job. The real issue was that she was still holding back. She was still only using brute force. She had yet to grow any glowing tusks made of pure energy or even change her eye color. That needed to change.

Pinkie's intro music had ended, and the BGM that had taken its place had completely reversed the mood. The bubbly, innocent melody that was playing earlier had been replaced by a distressing, volatile one made up of nothing but violins and drums. It appeared that Pinkie didn't fool around when it came to her dad, and if she really had the power to warrant this kind of music, I wanted to see that power in action more than I wanted food.

There were so many ways I could have egged her on. I could have said I kidnapped her dad and tied him to the railroad tracks while I laughed maniacally and twirled my false mustache. I could have gone on about how much fun it was to push him off the cliff into the piranha-filled lake as the disintegration ray finished charging up. I could have said I forced him to participate in a backgammon tournament and gleefully watched as he kept glancing over at a group of horses who weren’t playing backgammon until the envy devoured him whole.

Any of them would have been guaranteed to set her off considering how mad her assumptions alone had made her. Unfortunately, the additional hundred pounds on my chest made it difficult to speak, and I still wanted to avoid doing so unless it was absolutely necessary. Besides, I wanted to know where her dad was just as much as she did. Then again, I wasn't exactly prepared to pounce on someone to get that information.

It seemed, however, that my silence was enough to move things along, because she soon let out a peevish groan and muttered, "What, you can't remember? Or are you just too dumb to talk?" Naturally, I remained silent in the face of insultery, which I'm sure validated both questions in her mind.

"Fine," she grumbled as if I had just cut her allowance in half. Then, the jumping began. As if I were a trampoline or a blob of gelatin, she started bouncing on my chest with an almost wicked smile across her face. It felt like I was being cut in half by a poorly skilled illusionist, but I couldn't tell her to stop without actually telling her to stop. Her slime was flying everywhere, and after about six or seven hops, her entirely pink mane began to give way to a new color scheme, a striped pattern of purple and white. I had never heard of bouncing as a transformation sequence, but when was I ever one to complain about something silly like that?

"How about now? Did I jog your memory?" she asked after the twenty-third hop, only about half her mane altered in color. Her half-transformation befuddled me, and I gave her a look to match. She stopped bouncing, her smile turning back into a scowl as she spoke like the words were oozing out of her, "Tell me where he is right now or else."

Or else? She doesn't even know what she's going to do. This is my chance. If I make her explode now, I might get my first ever experience of combat over lava.

The wind had just been knocked out of me fourteen times in a row, but I didn't have to speak to get my point across. All I had to do was mirror the same malicious grin that Pinkie had on her face not thirty seconds ago and let her read between the lines. She read it loud and clear.

If there was another level of anger that Pinkie could reach after this one, that alone would be supernatural. There was no way she'd even consider showing restraint with that much eye twitching. The moment had finally arrived. I was going to see what made Pinkie so special.

Maybe she could make clones of herself rise out of her slime. Maybe she could use telekinesis on pink things and used her slime to make things pink. Maybe she turned into a fifty-foot moose after all her slime fell off her. Did it even matter? Whatever she could do, I had a front row seat to watch it. Actually, I was more like a volunteer from the audience. Unfortunately, at that very moment, a heckler appeared in the crowd with a voice that made the BGM practically apologize for its intensity.

"Stop!" Fluttershy shouted, preempting whatever slime-based attack I had coming to me. "What are you doing to that poor creature?"

She had entered the room so quietly that neither of us had even noticed. Her exclamation made Pinkie turn away from me, and I could tell from the serene BGM that the moment had been lost. I couldn't believe it. My big chance had just been interrupted, and I couldn't even be upset about it because the voice that did it was too perfect.

Fluttershy, you don't play fair.

"Poor creature? This thing ate my dad! And who are you calling ‘little girl’?" Pinkie barked at Fluttershy about as spitefully as if she were still talking to me.

"Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you," she replied, pausing for a moment as she took a step backward, "but I’m pretty sure it didn’t eat your dad."

"How would you know? Who are you, anyway? How did you get in my house?" Pinkie asked, stepping off my chest as if she forgot I even existed.

"I let her in," another familiar voice called from around the corner. Given that I only recognized three voices in this world, I wasn't surprised to see Mr. Rich was the next one to push open the kitchen door and enter the fray.

"Dad!" Pinkie exclaimed as she practically flew across the kitchen to embrace him, her lingering slime naturally getting all over his suit as she slammed into him.

If Mr. Rich was really Pinkie's dad, someone really needed to let him know. As he caught his balance from the impact, he had to take a step back and push her away as if he wasn't even used to getting slimed. He looked down at his suit, quietly muttering to himself before looking at the pink swamp around us that was formerly his kitchen. His eyes grew to a size befitting terror as he sprinted back through the door like he heard my roommate's alarm clock.

"Diamond Tiara!" I heard him angrily shout from the next room over.

That's an odd expletive. Hope that doesn't alert the censors.

He stormed back into the room, almost looking more flustered than angry. "Why is my house pink?" he shouted as Fluttershy backed into the corner of the kitchen.

"I—it's not my fault!" Pinkie replied as she turned back towards me. "It was that thing! It stole the ice cream from our freezer and spilled it all over the house!"

"Really?" Mr. Rich asked rhetorically, scraping off some of the slime that was still on her face, "And would that be the same ice cream that you're covered in right now?"

Silly Mr. Rich. If that was ice cream, this would all be ridiculous.

"It's trying to frame me!" Pinkie insisted. "That's what monsters do! Just get it out of our house before it does something else! It's evil!" She pointed her hoof straight at me as I sat back up.

He gave me a quick glance, then looked back at his daughter. "That 'monster' is our guest, and both it and you are going nowhere until every speck of this stuff is cleaned up!"

Did Mr. Rich just punish me?

"I can't clean this mess up now! That'll take forever! I'll be late for school!" Pinkie protested as more "ice cream" dripped off her mane onto the kitchen floor.

Mr. Rich's eyes shifted between me and then Fluttershy, almost as if in embarrassment. He smiled before suggesting in a much softer tone, "Why don’t we go get you cleaned up, and I’ll explain what happened last night?" He placed his hoof around a dry spot on her back and slid her toward the dining room.

"Fine," she said, giving me one last vicious glare before disappearing behind the kitchen door.

"I'll, uh, leave that one to you, Fluttershy," Mr. Rich stated to the mare who had just walked out of the corner before following his "daughter" into the next room. I wasn't sure what had just happened, but I couldn't help but feel cheated somehow.

"It’s okay, little guy. There’s nothing to be afraid of now." I felt something rubbing the top of my head. I looked beside me to see Fluttershy right in my face, her tone suggesting she was trying to calm me down.

Upon closer inspection, I noticed that she had wings on her back. I hadn't looked for it, but I was fairly certain neither member of the Rich family had wings. I wondered if each of these horses had their own supernatural ability. If that was the case, then words couldn't describe how amazing this adventure was going to be. My genuine smile came rushing back, which I think Fluttershy took as a sign that her calming words were successful.

"That's right. I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to be your friend," she cooed, her hoof still resting on my head. "You know, I don't know many creatures that can dress themselves. Can you speak?"

That's the question of the day, isn't it? If these horses don't know I can talk, I'll be able to witness everything with none of the meaninglessness of conversation. When am I ever going to get an opportunity like that again? I don't have to be mute. I just need to make a noise like a cow or a sheep to fend off suspicions. Let me think. What noise would a human make if they had no developed system of language?

"Mork," I replied as if the word just exploded out of me.

"I'm sorry?" She gave me a look as if she misheard.

"Mork," I repeated with added confidence, my natural smile giving way to my fake one.

"Oh...I see, but you do understand me, don't you? One ‘mork’ for no, two ‘morks’ for yes."

I didn't see the harm in letting her know I could at least understand what she were saying, so I decided to cooperate by replying, "Mork mork."

"Wonderful. That should make this much easier," she softly exclaimed as I got back on all fours to keep up my "animal" persona. Fluttershy tilted her head and looked at me with concern. "That filly didn’t hurt you too much did she?"

"Mork," I answered, remembering the system we had just developed.

Odd, she said that as if she thinks bones stay broken. Maybe she meant it in a psychological sense. That reminds me, I wonder if any of these horses have the power to give me my passion for psychology back. If I could find a horse like that, I wouldn't have to give up on my other dream after all. How’s that for a win-win?

As I considered the concept of using one dream to perform CPR on my other, I felt myself being pushed forward toward the kitchen exit. I turned around to see Fluttershy shoving me forward with her head and figured I had better save her the trouble and crawl forward myself.

"We should go to the library," she said as we headed into the kitchen. "I’m sure Twilight will have a book that should help us figure out what you are. Then, we can help you get home. You'd love that, won't you?"

That was close. I almost just burst out into laughter. I need to be more careful. Everyone knows that if something can laugh, it can talk.

I didn't see any sign of the Rich family as we made our way through the house, although I did spot Pinkie's thick trail of slime leading down the long hallway. I had so many questions to ask, but since "mork" wasn't one of them, I figured they would have to wait.

We headed toward the front door when the thought occurred to me that I was about to see what the outside world looked like in broad daylight for the first time. However, just before I could reach out to grab the meaningless doorknob, Fluttershy suddenly jumped in front of me, blocking the exit.

"Wait a second! We can’t go outside where all the other ponies can see you! Who knows what they might do?"

Aha, so horses are the dominant race. At this rate, I won't even have to ask any questions.

"I’ll go get Twilight and bring her here. You just stay here and don’t go outside, understand?"

"Mork," I replied unconsciously as if she had just reminded me for the fiftieth time.

Fluttershy headed outside, giving me a brief glimpse of daylight before the door rudely took it away. I gave the foyer a brief overview in her absence.

The room was very posh, mostly free of Pinkie's slime. To my left was a pale, linen couch that had its cushions rearranged for someone to sleep there. I considered taking a seat on it while I waited for Fluttershy to come back, but before I could, the excitable mare burst right back through the door with another horse by her side.

Twilight ran through the middle of Ponyville as fast as she possibly could. How could she have been so blind? She had been so focused on trying to protect the Elements, she had been completely neglecting her friends, the very source of their power. There was no time to lose. She had to find her friends and make it up to them whether they liked it or not.

The last time she checked her telescopes, she had spotted Rainbow Dash reading a book up in her cloud home and Rarity attempting to make something out of some orange fabric in her boutique, but Pinkie, Applejack, and Fluttershy were all off doing who-knows-what.

Twilight had loaned her balloon to the mayor, so she decided to go see Rarity first. She felt a bit embarrassed at the way she had handled Rarity’s problem the day before, and she knew that apologizing to her was definitely a must.

She knocked on Rarity’s door and waited for a response. After a few seconds of waiting, the door opened and Rarity's younger sister was standing there to greet her.

"Hi, Twilight," Sweetie Belle said in a very bored-sounding manner.

"Hello, Sweetie Belle. Is Rarity home?" Twilight collectedly asked the filly.

Sweetie Belle shook her head. "She said the very presumption of all things beautiful had forsaken her, so she went to the spa to relax."

"I see," Twilight replied. "Well I guess if she’s not here, I’ll just…"

"Wait a second, Twilight!" Sweetie’s voice suddenly raised in enthusiasm. "Are you doing anything fun right now? Scootaloo and I are bored out of our minds in here!" Her purple-maned friend behind her glanced up from the macaroni art she was dispassionately working on to vigorously nod in agreement.

"You are? Well, what about Apple Bloom? I thought you’d all be off with your crusading right about now."

Scootaloo walked up to Sweetie’s side to say, "She went on a camping trip with Applejack yesterday, and we haven’t seen her since."

Scootaloo’s words sent Twilight into a state of panic. "Applejack went on a camping trip? This week of all weeks? And she’s still not back yet?!"

"What’s so special about this week?" Sweetie asked.

"All I can think of is the big Horseshoe Switcheroo this Thursday," Scootaloo said, scratching her head in confusion. "I think they’ll be back by then, Twilight."

"Uh...right, right. Of course," Twilight replied, remembering the two fillies couldn't even see the crown on her head at the moment. "So, did they say where they were going camping?" she asked, masking her worries about Applejack’s recklessness.

"Sweet Apple Acres," the two said simultaneously.

Twilight’s felt a tsunami of relief crash through her entire body. "They’re camping at their own farm?"

"Applejack said she just wanted to spend some time with Apple Bloom," Sweetie replied. "She said it didn’t matter what or where it was as long as they did something together."

Twilight sighed in relief. "Well, I’m sorry to say I’m not really doing anything ‘fun’ right now, but you wouldn’t happen to know where Pinkie or Fluttershy are would you?"

Sweetie was the first to speak up. "Fluttershy’s been looking for that lost owl of hers since yesterday. She stopped by here about three times yesterday to see if we’d seen it. I don’t know where she is now, though."

Scootaloo continued, "And Mr. Cake told me Pinkie spent all day yesterday helping the him and Mrs. Cake prepare for Thursday’s big event. I saw her this morning going all over Ponyville and talking to everypony in town about it."

"So they could be anywhere then," Twilight thought aloud. "That’s unfortunate."

"Is there some kind of trouble?" Sweetie asked, a combination of concern and intrigue in her voice.

"We could help if you’ve got a problem. We’re soooo bored here," Scootaloo whined, practically begging for there to be a problem.

"That’s okay, I shouldn’t really need—" Twilight started.

"Please, Twilight? At least let us come with you. I don’t want to be here when my sister gets back. She’s already made me model for her twice today. I can't handle any more lace!" Sweetie Belle whined, her voice squeaking as she said "handle".

"Plus, if we come with you, we’ll be able to find Fluttershy and Pinkie so much faster. I can scout out all of Ponyville on my scooter in ten minutes flat!" Scootaloo boasted as she put on her helmet.

"Well, I...wait a minute, shouldn’t you two be in school?" Twilight asked, realizing the time.

"Miss Cheerilee told us last Friday that she had a surprise for us today, so she delayed class an hour to give her time to prepare for it," Sweetie explained.

"Yeah, so that still gives us almost half an hour to help you. Please, Twilight?" Scootaloo begged, her pupils dilating to help state her case.

"We’ll do our very best," Sweetie insisted, her pupils matching Scootaloo's.

Twilight pondered the idea for a few seconds, eventually deciding that she could use the help.

"All right, you can help me look for—"

"Cutie Mark Crusader Pony Finders go!" the two exclaimed, forcing Twilight to take a step back and then smile at their vivacity. It was her first genuine smile since she'd first received her assignment from the princess, and it made her feel better than seven hundred protective forcefields.

"I’ll go to Sweet Apple Acres and meet up with Applejack," Twilight instructed. "You two can go look for Pinkie and Fluttershy. If you find either of them, tell them to meet me back in the library. I have something important to tell them."

She watched the two head off, feeling a little more confident that everything was going to work out. She knew where most of her friends were now, and she was sure she'd be able to find the others pretty easily with the additional help. Once she got all her friends together, she'd be able to reconnect with them in no time at all. Then, maybe she could write the princess a detailed letter about friendship. She hadn’t written one of those since she’d started guarding her Element anyway.

Fluttershy ran straight out of Mr. Rich’s house, almost running into his mailbox in the process. She needed to find Twilight as soon as possible so she could help this defenseless creature get home. She couldn’t imagine what the poor thing was thinking, but she knew it had to be terrified after whatever happened before she arrived.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t two seconds after sidestepping the mailbox that she crashed straight into Pinkie Pie. She was knocked to the ground while Pinkie remained unaffected by the collision.

"Oh, I’m sorry, Pinkie. I should have been more careful. I didn’t hurt you, did I?" Fluttershy asked as she got back up.

"Don’t be silly, Fluttershy," the pink pony laughed. "If I was hurt, I wouldn’t be able to see Filthy’s new pet."

"New pet?" Fluttershy’s eyes widened as her friend bounced past her toward Mr. Rich's house. "Pinkie, don’t tell me you heard about the creature Mr. Rich found last night!"

Pinkie stopped bouncing and turned back around with a broad smile across her face. "Yeparooni, it all started this morning when I was going door-to-door asking everypony in town to participate in my fundraiser for the big Switcheroo this Thursday."

"A fundraiser? What kind of fundraiser?" Fluttershy asked, not sure how it related to Mr. Rich or the strange new animal.

"I’m glad you asked!" Pinkie pulled out a huge chalkboard, displaying a crudely drawn image of herself eating cupcakes. "I call it the Cupcake-A-Thon! I eat as many cupcakes as I can and ponies donate money for each one I eat."

Fluttershy nervously glanced back toward Mr. Rich's house. "That's nice. How many donators do you have so far?"

"You know, it’s funny. Filthy was the first one to even show any interest in my idea. Everypony else just started going on about going bankrupt and losing their homes. Pretty silly, huh?"

Fluttershy uneasily laughed at her friend’s remark.

"But it’s okay now!" Pinkie cheered. "I told Filthy about it, and he came up with an even better idea!" she flipped the chalkboard to the other side to show a bunch of well-organized graphs, tables, and charts on the other side. "He turned the whole thing into a guessing game. Now, for only three bits, ponies can guess how many cupcakes I can eat in five minutes, and the closest guesser wins a dozen dozen cupcakes."

"Oh…that’s a lot of cupcakes."

"Filthy said the average number of estimated participants would net us a conclusive gross profit that would far exceed that of my previously accumulated revenue, and all he asked for was twenty percent of the pie."

"And you understood him?" Fluttershy asked.

"Nope!" Pinkie cheerfully replied, leaving Fluttershy somewhat confused. "But I’m always willing to share some pie. Ooh, that reminds me, want some pie?" Pinkie offered a large pie to her friend that seemed to have come straight out of the oven. After holding it for barely two seconds, it turned Pinkie’s hoof bright red. "Ah! Hot! Hot!" Pinkie exclaimed, playing hot potato with herself until ultimately dropping the pie face-first into the grass, leaving a pink stain splattered across the grass. Pinkie sadly looked down at the minor tragedy before a smile jumped back onto her face as she laughed it off.

"What kind of pie was that?" Fluttershy asked, trying to get a closer look at the mysterious pink filling that was spilling out of the fallen pie. She didn't get to see it for long though, as Pinkie quickly consumed the entire thing right off the ground.

"It was pinkie pie, Fluttershy. What else would it be?" Pinkie responded with a mouth full of pie, pan, and dirt. Fluttershy didn't know how to respond to that statement, so she just hesitantly joined in her friend's overearnest laughter.

Pinkie spit out the empty pan. "Anyway, after he finished telling me about marketing techniques, he told me he had to go back inside before his daughter saw the new animal. I wanted to go with him to see it right away, but I had to return the chalkboard to the school."

"Then, why do you still have the chalkboard?" Fluttershy asked, pointing towards the green board.

Pinkie looked back at it herself. "Oopsie, must have forgot. Oh well, I can just do that later. I can’t wait to see Filthy’s new pet! You should come too, Fluttershy! I’ll bet it would just love you."

Fluttershy knew she couldn’t let that creature come into contact with Pinkie without any supervision. She had to make sure she didn’t do anything to scare it off. "O-okay," she replied meekly.

"Great!" Pinkie said, grabbing Fluttershy and dragging her along as she bounced towards the extravagant abode of Mr. Rich. "I just can't wait to see it, can you? What kind of animal do you think it is? A bunny? A cat? A bird? A monkey? A snake? A frog? A spoon? An ironing board? A bar of soap?" Pinkie continued listing animals, household objects, and whatever else came to mind until the two arrived back at Mr. Rich's front door.

Mork

Chpt. 12 - Mork

Monday, March 31

In my most basic definitions of ‘normal’, I know that it’s customary to greet someone with a simple word such as "hello" or "hi". In some cases, it’s fine to use basic colloquialisms such as "howdy" or "sup" for such purposes. On occasion, even a simple wave of the hand is an acceptable form of greeting. However, in a mystical world where normalcy and hands exist only in the realms of imagination, we use alternative greeting methods including, but not limited to, "mork" and a glass-shattering shriek that could scare the color off a painting. I stuck with "mork."

I couldn’t help but taste some familiarity at the sight of an immensely pink pony pushing open a door before screaming right in my face. I had tuned out the last one, but this one took me by surprise, knocking me over with the scream lines alone.

Fluttershy had said she was going to bring over someone named Twilight, who I had envisioned would be a little less excitable than the pink bucket of popping corn that burst into Mr. Rich's foyer. It never occurred to me that supernatural creatures would ever have the need to transition anywhere, but unless the library was about three steps away or Fluttershy was the resident speed demon of the sky, I saw no other way she could have made it back that quickly.

I guess some things just never change.

Twilight had no wings, but she had more personality in her mane than my college’s entire drama department, and she appeared to have the most hyperactive bejeepers I'd ever seen. I got back up onto all fours so I could get a better look at her, but little did I realize that I wouldn’t have time for any detailed observations.

It turned out that Twilight's earsplitting shout wasn’t one of fear, but of zest. I expected her scream to be followed by words of some sort, but there were strangely none to be found. Instead, she stretched out her tongue by about two or three feet and licked across my face and clothing like a true professional. She licked off all of Pinkie’s slime in about seven seconds, leaving me covered in an alternative form of goop.

So much for ever figuring out what that stuff was.

Twilight licked her lips, turning to Fluttershy to speak for the first time in a high-pitched, energetic voice. "We’re in luck, Fluttershy. Filthy’s new pet’s an ice cream man!"

All right, that's starting to irritate me. Why does everyone keep calling Pinkie’s slime "ice cream"? Maybe it’s a euphemism or something. Still, can't they just call it what it is?

Before I knew it, Twilight had made her way behind me and grabbed my left foot. "I’ll bet he keeps the rest in his shoes!" she exclaimed, pulling on my shoe like she was trying to tear it clean off my leg.

"Um, I don’t think—" Fluttershy celestially said before Twilight gave up on her pulling and popped up on my right like a pig before a sequence of credits.

"No, wait!" she said. "He probably keeps it in here." Without a second of warning, she shoved her hoof directly into my right ear and dug it around inside my head. I was about to mork my objection, but before I could, she yanked a clean, unmelted, pink ice cream cone right out of my ear.

Oh, for the love of darn it! I told Rook to stop using my head as his second hammerspace! Okay, technically I didn’t, but now I’m extremely considering it!

In her eagerness to pull out the cone, Twilight accidentally knocked over a glass of some green liquid in my head, which spilled out my ears and onto the floor. I couldn’t identify what it was, but knowing Rook, it was probably his backup storage of power food. It felt wet and slimy, but the bad news was that it was pouring out of my ears and cutting off my sense of hearing. The two voices faded into muffled silence, and I tried to keep my false smile up as I anxiously strained to hear them.

"What’s that coming out of its ears?" Fluttershy asked nervously as she stood there, amazed at Pinkie’s strange magic trick.

"Beats me. I was just in it for the ice cream," Pinkie said before swallowing the frozen dessert in one gulp.

"Pinkie, do you know what this creature is?" Fluttershy asked, not taking her eyes off the odd green ear juice for a moment.

Pinkie smiled brightly. "I told you, Fluttershy. It’s an ice cream man."

"Ice cream…man?" Fluttershy repeated, lacking the necessary information to comprehend.

"You know, a magical creature who drives a white truck that plays a catchy little jingle over and over and over that's filled with all sorts of funny-looking ice cream. It works from ten to four on weekdays for about $10 an hour, giving out ice cream to the children. The best part, though, is that it never stops smiling no matter how depressing life gets."

Fluttershy inspected the creature again. Now that she thought about it, the only time she hadn't seen the creature wearing that smile was when it was asleep, and it did have ice cream in its head. "You really think that's what it is, Pinkie?"

Pinkie licked her lips clean and laughed again. "Come on, Fluttershy. Did you leave your sense of humor at home? There’s no such thing as an ice cream man." Pinkie abruptly opened her mouth to get a taste of the stream of green pouring out from one of the creature’s ears.

"Pinkie, no! That stuff could be dangerous!" Fluttershy quietly shouted as her friend gulped down an entire mouthful of the stuff. Pinkie swallowed and licked her lips again. "Cherry soda," she replied, clearly pleased with the taste.

"But…it’s green," Fluttershy stated, hopelessly confused about how much Pinkie really knew about this creature. "Pinkie?" she asked, redirecting her friend’s attention for just enough time to follow up on her statement. "Do you know where this creature came from?"

Pinkie looked confused for a moment before giggling again. "Oh, I get it, Fluttershy. Now you’re making the jokes."

Fluttershy's eyes expanded slightly, her attention stolen away from the one with the ear geysers. "I...I am?"

"It didn’t come from you, right?" Pinkie asked, licking a lingering green stain off her hoof as Fluttershy nodded in agreement. "So it obviously came from a pet store. Where else would Filthy get a new pet?"

Fluttershy's head dropped to the floor at her friend's ignorance. "It’s not Mr. Rich’s pet, Pinkie," she explained. Pinkie stopped licking her hoof for a moment, giving the pegasus a look as if she had just said something odd. However, neither she nor Fluttershy happened to notice the sudden ceasefire of green cherry soda that took place in the room at that moment.

What did they say? Is it adventure time yet? Did they figure out I can talk? Why did Twilight drink soda out of my ear?

As I slowly regained my hearing, I desperately attempted to figure out where the conversation had travelled. Neither of them were looking at me anymore, and I needed to know why. I couldn’t pick up a thing from my abysmal lipreading skills. Best I could tell they were discussing the reason paper beats rock. I was about to mork to get their attention, but Fluttershy beat me to the draw, her voice making my thought bank go bankrupt.

"Mr. Rich told me he found this creature last night on his way back from his business trip," she explained.

"Really? Tell me more! I wanna know everything!" Twilight declared, getting into a comfortable position and pulling out some popcorn from her hammerspace.

Wonderful, my ears cleared up just in time for a review session. Now what am I supposed to do for the next forty-five seconds? Guess I’ve got time for some observations now.

I impassively glanced over to the one lying next to me with the empty popcorn box. Much like Fluttershy and Pinkie, Twilight here would have never passed for a real horse in my hometown. She was even pinker than Pinkie, if that made any sense. Her mane was one shade of it, her body was another, and once again, her blue eyes were all that ruined the regularity aside from the three balloons someone had scribbled on her backside. The thought had occurred to me earlier, but if genetics still worked in any sensible way in this world, I was certain it had to be true. It wasn’t a perfect resemblance, but compared to Pinkie’s "dad", Twilight was a dead ringer for the mom. If nothing else, Pinkie certainly got her intro music from her.

The theme combined about every instrument that nature had to offer while still somehow creating actual music. It was vibrant, sunny, and it sounded as if any setting that didn’t have everyone in the immediate area dancing and cheering was just an insult to it. With me around, that was guaranteed. Surprisingly, it still wasn’t as loud as Pinkie’s theme, but it definitely sounded as if it should have been.

"…And no offense, but I wanted to make sure you didn’t frighten it or anything. You understand, don’t you?" Fluttershy said, finishing her explanation and giving the pink one a painfully innocent smile.

Twilight said nothing. She narrowed her gaze, placing her hoof to her chin as if she were in deep thought, making her sunshiny theme very unfitting all of a sudden. Then, without warning, she turned into her daughter for a moment as she threateningly pulled out an deflated balloon. She took a deep breath and blew into it before turning away from both of us, fiddling with the balloon and creating a hodgepodge of sound effects in the process. Eventually, she turned back around with a cake in place of the balloon and lit sparklers in place of the candles.

Okay, Twilight, you're in.

"Why didn’t you tell me earlier, Fluttershy?" Twilight asked, slightly frustrated in tone. "If he’s our new guest, then I’m already way behind. Now I gotta throw three parties today for him just to make up for it."

Okay, Twilight, you're out.

"M-maybe you could tone it done just a little? I think you’re scaring it," Fluttershy squeaked as quietly as ever.

"Nobody’s scared of cake, Fluttershy. That would be a crime against pony kind."

Ah, good, a simple way to break the law. I needed one of those.

"I-I know, but it might be a little too…exciting," Fluttershy mumbled, cautiously pulling out one of the sparklers from the cake like it was holding the whole house together.

"What do you think, Mr. Monster? Is it too exciting?" Twilight asked me out of what appeared to be childlike curiosity.

"Mork," I replied, just as my training had prepared me.

Twilight’s mouth turned wavy for a brief moment before she handed off the cake to Fluttershy and fell into a stronger laughing fit than even that bomb-happy checkout lady.

"Um…what’s so funny?" Fluttershy asked as Twilight rolled around the floor in her manic fit.

Eventually, she calmed down a bit and explained her uproar. "Mork!" she repeated. "He said 'mork'! It’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard! It’s like if you took all the funny animal noises and combined them into one! You know, other than ribbit and cockadoodledoo."

"Mork?" I asked, not really sure if I was asking a question in my new language or confirming if that was the word she was describing.

"Mork!" Twilight shouted back at me in response, looking me right in the eye.

"Mork," I responded on impulse, now feeling like my word was being stolen.

"Mork!" she shouted, pulling an ice cream cone out of her own right ear.

"Mork!" I yelled, suddenly determined not to lose the battle of the morks.

"Mork!" Twilight yelled even louder, now wearing false gloves that looked identical to my own.

This kept going on until the point where she dyed her mane to match my hair color. I could have won, but the repetition was draining the life out of me, so I just dropped my head in submission and disappointment after that final 'mork'.

"I think he likes me!" Twilight shouted in victory to the winged master of vocals, who had apparently been trying to interrupt the competition the entire time.

"Maybe we should…wait a second. ‘He’? You know what gender it is? How can you tell?" Fluttershy asked, giving me another once over.

Well, that seems a bit uncalled for. Surely you jest.

"Duh," Twilight responded as she pointed at my face, her costume now completely gone. "No eyelashes. That means it’s either a boy or it’s reeeally old."

Impressive. Most people I know look straight to hair length and vocal pitch when this issue comes up. This Twilight must be a thinker.

"Oh my goodness, you’re right," Fluttershy squeaked, sounding slightly embarrassed. "I can’t believe I didn’t notice that. I’m sorry I called you an ‘it’ for so long, Mr...you know we should really give you a name."

"Oooh, ooh! Definitely! I love naming things!" Twilight cheered. "We could name him Mittens after his gloves! Or Snacks after all the food in his ears! Or…ooh! Rainbow Dash!"

"Why would we name him Rainbow Dash?" Fluttershy inquired.

"No, silly, Rainbow Dash just flew by!" Pinkie said, pointing out the small, circular window. "Maybe she knows a good name for him. I’ll go ask!" Twilight immediately turned around and bounced out the front door before Fluttershy could reply, slamming it shut behind her and leaving the two of us alone in silence.

My one-word vocabulary had plenty of benefits, but it wasn’t that useful for cutting through awkward silence. I was hoping Fluttershy would decide to break it, but the empty void was filled with a much deeper voice first.

"So, Fluttershy, any luck finding out more about this thing?" the familiar, still unimpressive voice of Mr. Rich asked from behind me.

"Oh, Mr. Rich, he’s not a thing. Please don’t call him a thing," Fluttershy said, stroking the top of my head again like a rider would her horse.

Mr. Rich cleared his throat and humbly replied, "I’m sorry. I’ll be sure to keep that in mind. I wouldn't mind knowing what 'he' is, though, or maybe just why the only clean part left of my floor is now green and sticky."

I turned around to reexamine the stallion only to encounter a sight that almost made a question mark pop out of my skull. Both Mr. Rich and Pinkie were standing behind me. I figured she would be there, but I was disturbed to find that she was only about 46% as pink as before.

Really, I could only tell it was her by that dirty look she had basically personalized for glaring at me. Mr. Rich had said he was going to clean her up, but I had figured her slime would have reset by the time she came back. That statement couldn't be further from the truth.

Those odd streaks of purple and white had performed a hostile takeover on Pinkie's mane, leaving a nearly unrecognizable Pinkie and a very confused me. It almost felt wrong to call her Pinkie now, but calling her anything else after all that time just wouldn't have felt right. I felt so many questions building up in my head I thought they would soon follow the soda and flood out of my ears. Unfortunately, my current vocabulary wasn’t up to the task of asking any of them.

I believe I’ve finally discovered the appeal of being able to talk freely.

Nevertheless, I resisted the urge to ask any of my questions. I knew that asking them now would spoil the fun of figuring them out for myself, and having fun was the entire reason I was here in the first place.

Fluttershy opened her mouth to say something else, but Pinkie exploded first. "You see, Dad? This is what happens when you invite monsters into our house! Let's just kick it out already! I can’t even stand looking at it!"

And yet she won’t stop glaring at me. Is it me or is Pinkie just the weirdest one of them all?

"I already told you," Mr. Rich said sweetly. "We just need to figure out where this thing came from, and then you’ll never have to see it again."

Pinkie wasn’t having any of it. "But Dad, it can’t live here! What would Mom say?"

She'd probably just cheer.

"Your mother’s not hearing a word about this, understand?" Mr. Rich asserted. "Now, stop trying to change the subject. Go on and apologize to...him so we can get you to school."

"Why do I have to apologize? It’s probably too dumb to understand me anyway!"

Fluttershy spoke up. "Oh no, he’s a very good listener. We even found a way to talk to him. It only took about five seconds actually."

"Then why aren’t you looking after it then?" Pinkie starly asked, challengingly pointing her hoof at Fluttershy.

"Well…I…I mean, I wouldn’t mind," Fluttershy said, nervously glancing back and forth between Pinkie, Mr. Rich, and myself.

"All right, we’re done talking about this," Mr. Rich intervened, shoving his daughter to the front door with a single push, once again looking embarrassed to be related to her.

Come on, Mr. Rich. She’s got a point. Clearly I’m not a good influence on this house and should live with Fluttershy's voice.

"Can't I at least have some cake?" Pinkie whined as she came to a stop by the door, eyeing the sparkling object in Fluttershy's hooves.

Mr. Rich shot her a Pinkie-level glare. "I think you've had enough dessert for today. Now, come on. Let’s get you to school before you’re late." He turned back to Fluttershy as he opened the door to let his daughter outside. "I’m sorry for the trouble. You don’t mind watching him for a little longer, do you? I’d stay to help, but I have to see a stallion about getting my house back to its original color."

I thought that was my and Pinkie's job. These horses don’t want me near the weird stuff, do they?

Fluttershy assured him it was no trouble at all, and the Rich family left, closing the door back again before I could sneak a peek outside. I was beginning to believe that I had better chances getting my adventure back home considering the simple process of going outside appeared to be more difficult than solving a sliding puzzle on a tilt-a-whirl.

Hang on a second. Did Pinkie just sneak out of here without having to apologize? Maybe she's got mind control powers after all. I'll have to look into that later.

Twilight burst back into the room at that moment, sending some streamers and confetti flying everywhere.

"What happened to Rainbow Dash?" Fluttershy asked. "I thought you went out to ask her to help us come up with a name."

"She had to go set the sky on fire, so she told me to just to name it something cool," Twilight answered.

Mental note: Make sure one incendiary Rainbow Dash joins my adventuring team.

"Okay," Fluttershy blinked.

"Or wait, did she say name it something cool or name it something awesome?" Twilight wondered aloud. "Oh well, I think we should name him something cool. I mean, he's definitely cool and all, but he's not really screaming ‘awesome’ to me." She placed her hoof to her chin again as she inspected my hair.

"He’s wearing a digital watch. That’s…um, kind of awesome, right?" Fluttershy uncomfortably suggested.

"Hmm…what do you think?" Twilight asked, looking me right in the eye. "Does a digital watch make you awesome enough for an awesome name?"

"Mork?" I guessed.

"Mork!" Twilight and Fluttershy shouted simultaneously, though one clearly louder than the other.

"It’s the perfect name for him! And it’s so fun to say!" Twilight cheered, bouncing up and down and chanting the word over and over again.

Fluttershy smiled looked back at me in earnest. "What do you think, Mork? Do you like that name?"

And that’s the story of how I was named Mork by two multicolored horses in an alternate world. Thanks for reading, everyone! I hope it was worth the journey.

"Find anything yet, Scootaloo?" Sweetie Belle asked as her friend pulled to an abrupt stop in front of her.

"Nothing," Scootaloo sadly replied. "No Fluttershy or Pinkie Pie anywhere in town. It’s like they disappeared off the map or something. You think Twilight already found them?"

"Maybe, but we should probably look for a bit longer. Fifteen minutes isn’t exactly a thorough search," Sweetie said.

"I guess not. Hey! I’ve got an idea!" Scootaloo’s eyes lit up in excitement.

Sweetie cocked an eyebrow. "What is it?" she asked a bit hesitantly.

Scootaloo got behind Sweetie and started pushing her forward. "Just trust me. I know exactly what we need to do."

In no time at all, the two fillies were standing underneath the cloud that the blue pegasus was sleeping on. Scootaloo’s face was exploding with anticipation as she looked up at her sleeping idol. Sweetie’s expression was mild at best.

"I don’t get it," Sweetie remarked. "How did you know where to find Rainbow Dash if you can’t find Fluttershy or Pinkie Pie?"

"I know all of Rainbow Dash’s favorite sleeping spots," Scootaloo boasted. "There’s not a cloud in Ponyville where she could hide from me."

"Lucky for us, I guess," Sweetie uneasily replied.

Scootaloo beamed as she yelled up, "Hey, Rainbow Dash! Could we talk with you for a second?"

Her shouting quickly and successfully woke the lounging pegasus, who looked down to see where all the racket was coming from.

"What’s up, you guys?" she asked, rising up to get a better view from her cloud.

"We’re looking for Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie. Have you seen them today by any chance?" Sweetie asked.

"Nope. Can’t say I have," Rainbow Dash yawned, immediately reverting back to her lounging position.

"Oh well, thanks anyway!" Sweetie said, starting to walk away. "Let’s go ask someone else, Scootaloo."

Scootaloo extended her hoof to block Sweetie's exit path. "Hang on," she whispered. Then she shouted back up, "Is there anything we could help you with this morning, Rainbow Dash?"

"Scootaloo, what are you doing?" Sweetie whispered with a frustrated undertone. "We’ve got a mission to accomplish. 'Cutie Mark Crusader Pony Finders go', remember?"

"Relax, we’ve still got time, and I’m not missing an opportunity to help the one and only Rainbow Dash," Scootaloo whispered back.

"Nah, I’m good," Rainbow said back, sounding like she was about to fall asleep again.

"Well, okay! Nice talking to ya! Bye!" Sweetie quickly said, trying to hurry them away before Scootaloo could ask something else.

"Are you sure? We’ll do anything!" Scootaloo shouted as Sweetie attempted to push her away.

"I told you, it’s cool. Just let me get back to…" Rainbow stopped herself mid-sentence. "Hang on a second," she called, springing up on her cloud like a dated mattress spring.

She flew down to where the two fillies were standing with a mischievous grin on her face. She placed her hoof to her neck and held it in front of their faces as if she were showing them something. "You guys don’t see anything, right?" she asked.

"Just you, Rainbow Dash," Scootaloo said in admiration.

"But my hoof is empty, right? There’s nothing on it?" Rainbow asked.

"All I see is your awesomeness pouring out of it," Scootaloo said, awestruck as always.

"Awesomeness isn’t a word," Sweetie Belle barked at Scootaloo.

"Is too!" Scootaloo and Rainbow shouted in unison, making Scootaloo shine like she’d just performed a Sonic Rainboom herself. Sweetie looked away.

"And you said you’ll do…anything?" Rainbow asked as her left hind leg began to tremble.

Sweetie jumped on that one. "Well, actually, we don't have much time before we-"

"Anything, Rainbow Dash. Just name it, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders will handle it lickety-split," Scootaloo said, her smile large enough for all three of them.

"Okay then," Rainbow Dash looked to her right to see a worn, empty bucket lying beside them on its side. She flew over, scooped it up with her left hoof, touched the ground with her other hoof, and then slammed the bucket on top of the spot she had touched.

"All right, girls, listen up," Rainbow said, flying back over to them as she slid the bucket along the ground with her. "I’m about to ask you to do something more important than anything you’ve ever done in your little pony lives. I’m not gonna lie. It’ll probably be more important than anything you’ll do for the rest of them too. It’s so amazingly, awesomely important that you can’t even tell anypony about it. This kind of assignment isn’t for just anypony, so if you’re not up to the task, I suggest you back out now."

Sweetie frowned. "That sounds kinda--".

"No way we’re gonna back out, Rainbow Dash," Scootaloo said. "Who do you think we are, a couple of scaredy ponies?"

"That’s what I want to hear! Now pay attention. You see this bucket?" Rainbow asked, tapping the metal object with her hoof.

"I see it, Rainbow Dash. I totally see it!" Scootaloo said with an overdose of enthusiasm.

"All right…I need the two of you…"

"Yes…?" Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle asked, leaning forward with unbridled optimism and dubious curiosity respectively.

"…to make sure that this bucket stays right here until I get back," Rainbow said with a look of absolute seriousness before flying a few feet into the air.

"That’s it?" Sweetie asked.

"Let me make this absolutely clear. You cannot let anypony or anything knock this bucket over or pick it up off the ground, and don’t let anypony see what’s under the bucket either."

"But nothing is under the bucket," Sweetie said.

"Exactly." Rainbow winked. "Think you handle this much awesome responsibility?"

"The bucket stays upright! Got it!" Scootaloo said, giving her idol a loyal salute.

"Great, now just keep an eye on it until I get back," Rainbow casually said as she went to take off.

"How long will you be gone?" Sweetie said, causing Rainbow to pause her departure.

"Don’t worry. I’m Rainbow Dash. I’ll be back before you can say ‘Rainbow Dash is the most awesome flier Equestria has ever seen.’" And with that, Rainbow Dash flew off through the sky at a speed that rivaled even her own, leaving the two fillies standing next to a rusty bucket.

Rainbow Dash was ecstatic. The second she took that necklace off, it was like she’d just been released from a dungeon of boredom that she’d been trapped in for over a whole week. Being unable to fly at her normal speed for this long was like trying to breathe peanut butter instead of air. She had tried to pass the time by reading and sleeping, but she just couldn’t shake the emptiness from being unable to soar through the clouds and feel that adrenaline she loved so much.

She knew she wouldn’t get another chance like this until the end of the week, so she planned on having one big fly-for-all in Ghastly Gorge to get her through the rest of her prison sentence. All she had to do now was get out of range of Ponyville so that none of her friends, especially Twilight, saw she had taken her necklace off. They would probably all think it was a bad idea to leave her necklace practically unguarded like that, but she felt confident that those fillies could handle looking after it for just a few minutes. Besides, it had been over a week, and nopony had showed up to so much as cough on her necklace yet. What could possibly happen?

She knew she had to avoid the densely populated regions of Ponyville to stay out of sight, so she made her way down the paths less traveled. Thanks to her speed, she would be out of town in a matter of seconds. As long as none of her friends were visiting this specific area of Ponyville, she’d make it out scot-free.

"Hi, Rainbow Dash!" Pinkie said as she bounced in front of her, bringing Rainbow's dash to a screeching halt.

"Where’d your necklace go?" Pinkie asked, immediately noticing what Rainbow Dash wanted to keep secret.

Rainbow hesitated as she tried to think of an excuse. "I’m…uh…getting it cleaned. Yep, got to make sure it’s nice and clean when I return it this Saturday," she said, forcing a smile.

Pinkie looked at her friend strangely for a second before smiling as she replied, "Well that makes sense. I'll bet those things haven't gotten a good cleaning in hundreds of years. We should all get together and have a Element Cleaning Party. Ooh, wait! I know! We should get them laminated! Then they'll be sparkly clean and never get dirty again!"

Rainbow just kept up her smile, knowing how lucky she was that Pinkie was the one she ran into.

"Oh, I almost forgot! Could you help me with something, Rainbow Dash?"

"Uh, actually, I’m kinda busy right now," Rainbow said, slowly easing away from her friend. "Can’t it wait till later?"

"But we need your advice! There’s this funny animal Fluttershy and I are watching, and we need to come up with a name for him!"

"Well…what’s he like?" Rainbow asked, nervously checking if anypony else was around as she kept slowly inching away.

"He likes me," Pinkie said before gasping at her own statement. "Should I name him Pinkie Pie?"

Rainbow didn’t even hear Pinkie’s proposal. "Just name him something cool. He is cool, right?"

"I don’t know. I forgot to check. He’s got ice cream in his head. Does that count?"

"Sure," Rainbow halfheartedly said, shifting her eyes back and forth as she tried to think of a way to abruptly end the discussion before she got caught. "Listen, I’d love to help you Pinkie. I really would, but I’ve gotta go burn some sky, and I don’t have a lot of time to do it, so I’ll catch you later." Before Pinkie could even inhale for a response, Rainbow Dash took off again in a blaze of color, leaving a confused pink pony standing there, wondering why her friend wanted to perform such an odd activity.

"I don’t think Rainbow Dash is coming back," Sweetie finally said after spending twenty minutes staring at a bucket.

"She’ll be here any second now. I just know it!" Scootaloo said, her eyes glued to that bucket like it was Rainbow Dash herself.

"But Scootaloo," Sweetie said, "class starts in five minutes!"

Scootaloo twirled around in shock. "What? How did that happen?"

"I don’t know, but we already got an hour delay! We can’t be late! What will Miss Cheerilee think of us?"

"She’ll think we’re no-good delinquents who don’t care about school anymore!"

"Then let's go! I think we can probably still make it in time if we leave right now. Come on!" Sweetie ran off toward the school before realizing Scootaloo wasn’t following her.

"What's the problem, Scootaloo?" she asked, looking back while trotting in place with unease.

"There’s no problem!" Scootaloo said, her hooves clutched tightly around the metal container. "It’s just…I promised Rainbow Dash I’d watch this bucket until she got back."

"There’s nothing under that bucket!" Sweetie shouted.

"So what? She said this was important to her! That makes it important to me!"

Sweetie Belle looked into Scootaloo’s eyes. Despite how ridiculous the task was, she could tell that her friend really cared about it. She knew she couldn’t just leave her friend to watch a bucket all day, but she didn’t want them to miss school either. She wasn't conflict's biggest fan, so she scavenged her brain for some solution to make it go away.

"Wait a minute, Scootaloo. Didn't Rainbow Dash just say to make sure nothing knocked over or picked up the bucket?"

"Yeah, but with way more urgency than that," Scootaloo said, placing her hooves on top of the bucket.

A confident smile spreading across Sweetie's face. "Then I think I have an idea."

Diamond was almost dizzy with excitement as she walked into the classroom that morning, finding it almost impossible to look apathetic. Not being sticky felt even more amazing than she remembered, and after she finally got her dad to promise that she’d never have to see that hideous monster ever again, she decided to erase it from her memory.

She still couldn’t believe her dad had invited such a weird, creepily smiling nightmare into their house without her permission, but there was a much scarier beast that required her attention at the moment: her punishment.

Apple Bloom and Silver Spoon were already at their desks when Diamond arrived, and the giddy filly had nothing to say to either of them as she made her way across the classroom, at least not yet. She was feeling restless as she went through her plan again in her mind, but she knew she had to wait for the right moment to put it into action.

As she settled into her seat and placed her backpack beside her desk, her bespectacled friend on her right took the opportunity to enact a plan of her own. It had been over four days since Silver Spoon had even spoken to Diamond Tiara, and she couldn’t take the cold shoulder any longer. Noticing that Diamond looked in much higher spirits that morning, Silver Spoon decided it was as good a time as any to try and patch things up.

"So, you want to stop by my house after school today?" she asked spontaneously, leaning over toward her friend so she was sure to hear her. "My mom’s throwing this big, boring social thing, and she said I could bring one guest. It’ll be so much funner if you’re there. Don't you think?"

"Sounds like fun," she said. "It’ll be the perfect way to celebrate me getting my tiara back."

Silver’s ears perked up. "You…you got it back?" she asked, almost in disbelief, looking up at her friend's bare head.

Diamond’s smirk transformed into a simper. "Give me five minutes," she replied, turning back to face the front of the classroom and signaling to Silver that the conversation had ended for the moment. Silver Spoon wanted to ask what Diamond had in mind, but she felt that she had made enough of a gamble with that first question. Mainly she was just relieved that her friend was back to her old self.

Their teacher hadn’t arrived yet, but she seemed to have that big ‘surprise’ she mentioned all set up, hidden under a brushed, amber cloth on the front desk. Diamond and Silver was too lost in thought to care about whatever was under the sheet, but Apple Bloom and a few of the other students were all silently wondering what it could be.

As the school bell rang, a large, rectangular chalkboard surged through the classroom door, closely followed by Miss Cheerilee. She wheeled it in behind her desk, stepping out from behind it to face her class. The purple schoolteacher looked rather exhausted and her mane was a mess, but she still cheerfully greeted her class as she always did.

"Good morning, everypony. I hope you all enjoyed your weekend," she announced with the tiniest bit of fatigue in her voice. "I’m sorry I took so long. Somepony took our chalkboard, and I had to borrow this one from town hall." Her statement was met by some shallow, classroom laughter as several students noticed the original chalkboard had been completely removed from the wall.

"Are you feeling okay, Miss Cheerilee?" Apple Bloom asked after noticing her teacher's distressed appearance. "You look a bit...messy."

As if she didn't hear her at first, Cheerilee took a couple of seconds to respond. "Oh, I'm all right, Apple Bloom. I had a bit of a rough night sleep last night. It would seem the snowy owl gets quite noisy during mating season. I'll be fine, though. Seeing all your bright, shining faces ready to learn gives me all the energy I need."

Diamond's simper turned into a smile.

"Anyway, today I’ve got something planned that I know you’ll all enjoy!" she assured, stopping to notice the two empty desks in the left row. "That’s odd. We seem to be missing somepony."

"Wait!" a call from outside resounded, making everyone turn back toward the door. Following the shout, Sweetie Belle burst inside, panting like the air was made of concrete.

"Sweetie Belle? What’s wrong?" Cheerilee asked, the fatigue in her voice replaced with concern.

"I…I wanted to…make sure…you didn’t start…without us," Sweetie panted, slowly catching her breath. A few seconds later, Scootaloo slowly crept in behind her, carefully pushing an old, dented bucket forward with her nose.

"Sorry we’re late, Miss Cheerilee," Scootaloo stated, slamming her hooves onto the bucket to hold it steady. "We had something important we needed to take care of."

Diamond lobbed a mocking laugh across the room. "I’ll bet. Is it bucket season already? Looks like you’ve picked out this year’s winner."

Cheerilee cringed at the filly’s derisive remark, turning to look at her smiling pupil with jaded and disappointed eyes. "Please, Diamond, I’m really not in the mood to deal with this right now. Would you please do us both a favor and keep your nose clean today?"

Diamond politely met her teacher’s plea with a shiny, sympathetic smile. "Don’t worry, Miss Cheerilee. I think my behavior today is really going to surprise you. In fact, I can promise that you won’t even recognize me."

Cheerilee eyed her suspiciously, eventually telling her tardy arrivals to take their seats. Scootaloo eased her beloved treasure over to her desk before sitting down, making sure it stood upright as Sweetie sat in the seat behind her.

Diamond’s smile had now transformed into a full-fledged grin. The entire stage had been set for her plan to take off. All that was left was for one of the clumsy stagehooves to raise the curtain.

"Now, class, if you recall, we started talking about pony anatomy last Friday," Cheerilee said as she wrote the keyword down on the chalkboard. "Now can anypony tell me the definition of ‘anatomy’?"

Apple Bloom quickly raised her hoof to answer the question. "I remember, Miss Cheerilee."

"After all, I remember things that ain’t nopony never cared about. For fun!"

Apple Bloom frowned. That remark hadn’t come from her, and it certainly wasn’t a very good impression. She curiously turned to her left to see Diamond Tiara staring through her soul with eyes like snake eggs and a ravenous smile that could tear through solid wood.

A few days ago, Diamond would have called her plan crazy, but things were different now, completely different. All that mattered now was getting her tiara back, and this was her ace in the hole. She never dreamed such a delicious opportunity would arise so immediately, but she jumped on it the moment it came out of Apple Bloom’s dimwitted mouth.

"Um, what?" Apple Bloom asked, feeling slightly unsettled.

"I’m just saying since y’all know what ana-toe-mee means so good, then why don’t y’all go on and tell us?" the pink filly mocked, slurring her accent to sound more insultingly uneducated by the second.

"I don’t sound like that!" Apple Bloom shouted back in anger.

Cheerilee let out an exhausted sigh before intervening. "Diamond Tiara, didn’t we just go over this?"

Diamond tuned out any doubt she had left in her mind, knowing there was no turning back now. She found it hard to swallow what she herself was doing. Her plan contradicted everything she strived to be, everything she stood for. However, if she wanted out of her punishment, and she did, she couldn't hold back. She had to go through with it.

"Oh, I’m sorry, Miss Cheerilee. I didn’t mean to distract everypony from your meaningless lesson plan. Please, continue putting us all to sleep."

She had to become a brat.

Her response made the jaw of every other pony in that room drop, and not a single word was said for a good ten seconds. Diamond Tiara had just vaulted over a line that Nightmare Moon herself would hesitate to tread near, and everypony, including Diamond Tiara, knew how dangerous it was.

"What, you can't think of anything?" Diamond scathingly asked, shattering the silence she had so shockingly created. "I know! Why don’t you go ahead show us the thrilling "surprise" you have under that tarp on your desk? What is it? A list of facts? Some shabby model? A waste of our valuable time?"

Cheerilee would have said something back, but her pride drove her to shamefully glance back at the tarp on her desk, suddenly feeling sheepish about the intricately detailed model she had spent the weekend creating.

"Y-you can’t talk to Miss Cheerilee like that!" Sweetie shouted in her teacher’s defense.

"Yeah, who do you think you are?" Scootaloo angrily agreed.

Diamond smiled brightly as if she had just been given a birthday present. She propped her hind legs up on her desk and shamelessly replied, "I’m the only one in this classroom who knows how to think. So why don’t you stop being rude and let our teacher show us her lousy surprise already?"

After coming up with her plan the previous night, Diamond had spent some time practicing her mean and disrespectful act. It came so naturally, not that that surprised her. She was naturally gifted at everything she did, and now it was time to use that talent to stop her punishment in its tracks. All she needed to do was make sure that her teacher heard every foulmouthed word.

"That’s enough, Diamond Tiara," Cheerilee said with a tired seriousness. "I understand you’re still upset about your punishment, but this kind of immaturity is completely unacceptable. I really expected better from you, you know."

"I expected better from you too, Miss Cheerilee," Diamond smugly said. "I mean, I can understand having one or two dumb students, but having an entire class of morons after all this time is a bit ridiculous if you ask me."

Cheerilee was caught off guard by her student’s retort, taking a moment to make sure she heard those words correctly and then another to figure out how to respond. After clearing out her thoughts, Cheerilee closed her eyes and patiently replied, "I’m sorry you feel that way, Diamond Tiara, but there’s no reason for you to—"

"You do know that you’re in this class too, right?" Scootaloo said from the other side of the classroom.

"Oh, let's not make this about me," Diamond playfully said, "and I know it must be hard for you to remember things that were said all of twenty seconds ago, but I told you to plug your chughole."

"We ain’t stupid! Miss Cheerilee’s done a great job a teachin’ us," Apple Bloom said. "Right, everypony?" Her question was answered by an incoherent series of affirmative remarks from the everypony else in the class, save for Diamond, Silver, and Cheerilee.

"Oh, I’m sure she’s done all she can," Diamond said after the noise had died down. "I mean, we can't expect her to turn dirt into gold."

Cheerilee raised her voice this time. "Now, Diamond, I really think you need—"

"What’s that supposed to mean?" Scootaloo asked, resulting in a sigh from the pink filly.

"It really is sad," Diamond said with pompous melancholy. "We just learned about alchemy two weeks ago, and you’ve already forgotten it. I feel your pain, Miss Cheerilee." Silver Spoon had to chuckle to herself.

"I don’t think—" Cheerilee said before Scootaloo interrupted her again.

"I didn’t forget! I was just asking—"

"Then you should know this all too well," Diamond pridefully said. "When you refine silver, you get nice silverware. When you refine diamonds, you get fine jewelry. When you refine dirt, all you get is mud."

"How about when you refine bein’ a jerk?" Apple Bloom asked.

Cheerilee sighed. "Apple Bloom…"

Diamond brought back her innocent face for a second round. "I think you get a rainbow. A rainbow…dash, was it?"

"You take that back!" Scootaloo shouted, aggressively rising out of her desk.

"You know, I don’t know what’s more pathetic, the fact that I can probably fly better than her or the fact that you can." Diamond's statement prompted another snicker out of her friend.

Cheerilee rubbed her forehead like she was scrubbing a floor. "Girls, please. Let’s all calm down here. We’re not having another incident like the one two Fridays ago."

"Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!" Snips and Snails begin shouting from the back of the classroom, encouraging another incident like the one two Fridays ago.

Diamond turned around to face the chanting. "We aren’t fighting, you bug chewers. We’re on opposite sides of the classroom."

"Oh," the two colts said in unison, noting that neither of the fillies had moved from their desks and that Scootaloo had sat back down, her attention refocused on her bucket.

"Besides, you two shouldn’t be encouraging any form of violence. A rock and a salt shaker could get the better of you," Diamond said, turning back around and leaving the two without a leg to stand on.

"Yeah, maybe you should start chanting ‘life’ instead? If you’re lucky, maybe somepony will give you one," Silver Spoon said, prompting Diamond's grin to fade for a moment.

"And when’s somepony giving you one?" Diamond casually asked with a small shrug.

"Yeah, when’s…" Silver stopped as she realized she didn’t know who Diamond was asking. She turned back around to check, only to find Diamond looking squarely at her.

"Where’s your life, Silver Spoon? Celestia knows you need one."

Silver Spoon felt an unsettling wave of emotion rush through her. It was so eerie. She’d seen Diamond make that confident smirk at least two hundred seventy nine times before, but for the first time, it made her nervous.

"What are you talking about? We’ve got like the same life," she said, looking around to see if anypony else was in on the joke.

"Oh, good, so you see my point. Maybe now you can find your own instead of copying mine," Diamond said, giving her friend a quick wink that sailed straight over her head.

"What?" Silver asked. "But we're friends." She tried in vain to read Diamond's face. "Aren't we?"

Diamond just kept on smiling. "Of course we’re friends. Now be a good friend and shush, and if you need some help with that, just pretend we’re at school being taught something." Diamond looked to her speechless teacher to flash her a devilish grin.

"We ain’t bein’ taught nothin’ ‘cause you won’t be a good friend and shush!" Apple Bloom called out, defending her teacher again, who had now backed up to her desk, looking less cheery than most would say possible for the schoolteacher.

"I think you win the bet, Sthnips. I think the hath gone crathy," Twist said quietly from the back row, but not quietly enough.

Diamond laughed like the she had just been stealthily tickled, "Oh, that’s rich. No, that’s downright plush. The pony who keeps most of her spit running down other ponies’ faces thinks there’s something wrong with me."

"Oh, there’s something wrong with you," Scootaloo affirmed, "but science can only work so fast." Scootaloo’s comment was greeted by a light chuckle throughout the classroom, and the first scowl from Diamond since she'd walked in.

Diamond took her legs off her desk so she could reach into her backpack lying beside her on the floor. "Funny you should mention science," she cheekily replied as she pulled out an orange marker and a small blue textbook titled "Science Made Easy". Biting off the cap of the marker, she slammed the textbook on her desk, scribbled something on it with the marker, threw it on the ground, and slid it over to the orange pegasi with her hind leg.

Scootaloo looked down at the textbook that had slid right beside her desk. The cover was decorated with a number of white silhouettes of pegasi flying all over it with two of them cleverly appearing to be holding up the title. However, to keep the cover symmetrical, one appeared to be standing on the ground. It was the only one on the page that didn't appear to be flying, and it was also the one that had been colored a distinct shade of orange.

The tension in that room had become infernal. An Ursa Major could have stormed through that classroom without anypony noticing. As Scootaloo turned back towards her demented classmate, eyes filled with rage, embarrassment, and barely-contained tears, Diamond could tell she'd won as she propped her legs back onto her desk, matching Scootaloo's gaze with a despicable smile and the single malicious word, "Problem?"

Taking Scootaloo's fuming silence as an invitation to pile on the brattiness, Diamond continued, "Don't tell me you forgot about this too. We just went over gravity last week. Are you so dense that—"

Before the next derogatory word could be spoken, a purple hoof came crashing down onto Diamond's desk, making the filly almost lose her balance due to her laid-back posture. She was going to cash in a few more bratty points by criticizing her teacher’s clumsiness, but her tongue froze in her mouth as she spotted the reason her teacher had suddenly attacked her desk.

Diamond’s tiara, still as perfect and shiny as she remembered it, had been rather aggressively placed square in the center of her desk.

"Class, we’re going to take a little recess right now," Cheerilee said, little emotion in her voice. "Everyone please go outside."

"But it’s only been five minutes, Miss Cheerilee," Sweetie Belle said, raising her hoof

"Yeah, and we still don’t know what’s under the sheet," Snails said.

"Just everyone go outside for a few minutes, please," Cheerilee said, her voice sounding like wind chimes in a storm. "I’ll show you all the surprise when you get back."

The class got up from their desks and made their way outside. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle were the first ones out the door while Scootaloo was one of the last due to the constant supervision of her bucket. The small pegasus made sure Diamond knew exactly what she was thinking with one final glance before leaving the classroom.

Silver Spoon gave her friend a look of sorrow and confusion as she followed the class out, which was countered by one of impatience and irritation. Eventually, she too walked out the door, and in a matter of seconds, only two ponies were left inside.

Diamond braced herself as Miss Cheerilee took a deep breath and turned back toward her. She couldn't completely tell what her teacher was thinking, but she had an idea where this conversation was about to lead. Everything was going perfectly.

It was time to sort out this mess once and for all.

You're Crazy

Chpt. 13 - You’re Crazy

Monday, March 31st

I’m not crazy. Believe me, I would know. I’m a psychology major, or rather, I used to be, which means I know crazy up, down, forwards, and sdrawkcab. It’s very simple to understand, really. Suppose I had a blue hat. Now, let’s assume you have perfect vision and there’s no problem with the lighting, but you insist that the hat’s pink. You’re crazy. If you believe the hat’s orange, you’re crazy. If you believe it’s a lighter shade of blue, you’re crazy. If you believe it’s green, you’re my roommate. Also, you're crazy. Basically, if you believe it’s any color other than regular, unmodified blue, you’re not right in the mind. So tell me, what color is the hat?

Did you guess blue? If so, you’re crazy. Because you’ve forgotten that, in reality, there is no hat. I bet you think you’re in a bright room with perfect vision too. You see, some people believe you need to be a mad prospector that jumps off other people's roofs every night to be classified as 'crazy', but all you really need is to see a hat where there isn’t one. Craziness isn’t a matter of losing your mind; it’s a matter of losing reality. When your imagination sneaks its way into real life, the cuckoo clock strikes twelve. That’s why I can’t be crazy. My life is just too dull for it to be a product of imagination.

I wish I was crazy, though, because I’d need to be to be enjoying myself. The novelty of interacting with otherworldly creatures was disappearing like most of Pinkie’s pinkness, and I was almost willing to believe that reasonable amounts of fun were against the law here. Blooming flowers were apparently newsworthy, partying appeared to count as a form of entertainment, and with the way most of these horses refrained from showing me their powers, you’d think they didn’t even have any.

Nevertheless, it seemed that keeping up my new role as this "Mork" animal would have to continue for awhile. I’d never forgive myself for sequence breaking after barely getting my feet wet. At least for now, I had to stick with Twilight and Fluttershy, silently hoping for a gigantic marigold with predatory instincts in place of photosynthesis to burst through the wall and swallow one of us whole.

As Twilight completed her third lap around the house, not going one bounce without singing my name, Fluttershy brought us back to the topic of getting me to that library. She insisted that we needed a way to sneak me over there without the added fun of causing mass hysteria.

You know, this sounds like a lot of trouble for something so mundane. For Mork’s sake, if I wanted to go to a library, I could have tagged along on Reed’s tennischess escapade. Do the books at least glow in the dark or come to life on days beginning with Tues?

Rather than suggest an idea, Twilight stopped bouncing for a moment to engulf the entire cake Fluttershy was holding in one bite, making me immediately regret not diving two feet across the room to get a bite of it while I had the chance. It was interesting how excitement in the face of what should have been supernatural wonder could make someone forget his excruciating hunger. I was almost at the point of imagining my hosts as junk food, which would make things pretty awkward if my cousin's wedding was any indication.

"I’ve got an idea!" Twilight cakemouthed, a scornful storm of crumbs flying out of her mouth with each word. Reaching into her hammerspace once again, she began barraging the floor with a pile of random objects, each one odder than the next.

Rook always liked to jump cut past the preparation phases of my plans. He said it was bad luck to know my plan before we enacted it, but I always thought it was just an excuse to be impatient. Twilight, however, seemed to be operating at a speed that would make doing so redundant. In a matter of seconds, she had manifested a literal pile of junk on the floor, following up with a self-satisfactory "tada!"

Fluttershy stared down at the collection of unrelated debris, then looked up at Twilight with an expression that indicated she was completely nonplussed. I elected to go with one showing more wide-eyed dispassion, mainly because I was disappointed she didn’t use her balloons again. Too bad my auto-smile ruined it.

"Now we’ve got everything we need!" Twilight exclaimed as stuck her front hoof into a worn-out boot from the pile, picking it up so the toe pointed towards her face.

"We…we do?" Fluttershy asked, probing the cardboard box lying beside her like she wasn’t sure it was what it was.

"If we didn’t, would I do this?" Twilight asked as she picked up the box Fluttershy was admiring and shoved it over the top of my head, making the room go as dark as my dad’s pancakes. Before I could catch on, I felt a writing utensil rubbing against the box before receiving another snicker from Twilight for no extra charge.

"What do you think, Fluttershy?" she asked. "Pretty lifelike, isn’t it?"

Fluttershy hesitated for a moment. "Oh, um…yes! I can barely even tell there’s a cardboard box on his head."

"Then take one last look, Fluttershy," Twilight commanded, pausing for a moment to increase the tension, "because I’m gonna make Mork disappear."

Following that deceptively interesting statement, what followed was the sensation of about two or three Twilights haphazardly throwing pieces of her junk pile onto various parts of my body, causing about six or seven times as much racket as one Twilight. She had her eyes closed, and her tongue hung out of her mouth as she continued her barrage, her interest in throwing junk at me the only thing preventing her from laughing again.

Or at least, that’s probably what happened. I couldn’t see anything from behind the thick cardboard box that it seemed someone decided to draw a face on in place of adding eyeholes.

She finished with blinding speed, which was appropriate since I couldn’t see it, but then, everything went silent. At first, I thought they had gone off, possibly to get some breakfast while I was left here with a stomach full of nothing. It turned out that Fluttershy was just nonplussed again.

"Um, Pinkie, don't take this the wrong way, but I don’t think this disguise is going to fool anypony."

It's only been thirty seconds since this box went on my head, and now Pinkie's come back and 'anypony' is a word. What's going on out there? Didn't Pinkie have to go to school?

"It’ll be fine, Fluttershy. Nopony will think Mork’s Mork while he’s wearing this costume."

‘Nopony’ better be somepony’s name. My doctor says I can only handle one pun per day.

"It’s just that…it doesn’t even look like a pony disguise," Fluttershy noted, probably observing the crudely designed costume that Twilight had put together.

"They don’t need to think it’s a pony, silly. They just need to think it’s not a Mork," Twilight explained with another giggle.

I keep forgetting that Twilight’s the sensible one here. Her love of parties keeps throwing me off.

"But don’t you think it’ll attract too much attention to us?" Fluttershy asked.

"I sure hope so! Now let's go! Mork's not gonna figure out what he is by himself!" I heard the door burst open again and Twilight’s now-signature bouncing sound effect fade off into the distance.

Odd that Pinkie’s being so quiet. She must be eating my soul with her eyes again. I'm sure that's the only reason she came back. She's a character, that one.

"You’re okay with all this, right, Mork?" I heard Fluttershy’s voice say through the box. I imagined her giving me this look that could turn cookies into dough. I couldn’t say ‘mork’ to it, so I said it twice before being gently nudged forward again.

There was a subtle change in music and temperature that made me believe I was finally outside. Even through the thick clutter wrapped around me, I could still feel the warmth from what I could only guess was their sun. It was a warm type of warmth that only came from the type of sun that loved its job. If I took risks, I’d have bet it wore sunglasses.

Feeling a bit more optimistic now that the sun was in play, I started hearing a few random comments as we made our way towards the library or wherever. Most of them sounded like hushed mumblings about "Pinkie and Fluttershy’s strange new friend in the ridiculous outfit", so, naturally, I was confused as to why they neglected to mention Pinkie's mom as well.

It was also a bit odd that they would refer to Pinkie and Fluttershy collectively when Pinkie clearly had never met Fluttershy before today. Then again, why waste my time thinking about silly things like logic? There was adventuring to be done!

"So far, so good," Fluttershy murmured, her petrifying voice making me forget what she just said and not hear what Twilight said afterwards. However, the next voice was something I heard all too clearly.

I was expecting Pinkie to chime in and maybe insult me again, but instead I heard an altogether different voice call out, "Pinkie! Fluttershy! There you are! I’m so glad I found you! I…what’s that?"

Is Twilight just invisible or something? If so, let me see!

The key instrument in the stranger’s intro theme was one of those woodwind ones. What was it? A clarinet? An oboe? Either way, the theme was nothing to write home about. It was well-performed, I’ll give it that, but it was so predictable I could have hummed along to it after about five seconds of listening.

No matter who this stranger was, it didn’t take a genius to figure out she was referring to me. I almost instinctively said something in response, but thankfully Twilight spoke up first. "That’s a Fluttershy, Twilight. She’s great with animals, but be careful. If you make too much noise, you could scare her away."

Twilight? There’s two Twilights? That's not even legal back home. I better rename the new one so we all don't end up hopelessly confused.

"I meant the other one," Twolight said in a deadpan voice.

"Oh, that’s just a Pinkie Pie," Twilight earnestly replied with a downward inflection. "She’s a bit on the crazy side, but she throws amazing parties and loves chocolate cake!"

Pinkie throws parties too? That’s a bit of a letdown. I thought she was more of the serious type. Wait, rewind that a beat. Wasn’t ‘Pinkie’ just the nickname I came up with for her? That can only mean one thing: I must be the master of names.

"Fluttershy, help me out here," Twolight said as if she’d given up trying to speak with her identically named associate.

"Um…well, Twilight," Fluttershy melodiously replied, "I’d like you to meet…Mork."

It was so beautiful. It had been too long since Diamond had even had a clear mental picture of it, and now it was right in front of her. She could reach out and touch it if she wanted, but she couldn’t break herself from the trance it had over her.

Cheerilee made sure the door was firmly shut after all the other students had gone outside. She rubbed her left eye as she went over to stand by the borrowed chalkboard, trying to think of the best way to begin the inevitable argument. She took a deep breath, deciding to make one last honest attempt to keep things civil.

"Diamond Tiara, please just tell me what's wrong. Are you so upset with this punishment that you felt the need to lash out like this?"

Her teacher’s words snapped Diamond out of her tiara-induced daze. She only heard the last few words of her teacher’s question, but she already had the perfect response to whatever it was.

"Did you say something, Miss Cheerilee?" she asked sweetly with a bitter aftertaste. The distraction of her tiara was unbelievably tempting, but she knew the climax of her performance was about to arrive. She needed to make absolutely sure that every word she spoke, every little gesture she made, and each individual thought she came up with was one-hundred percent brat. To pull that off, she needed to be completely focused.

Cheerilee sighed, taking a step forward to continue the unending debate with her stubborn student before bringing herself to a stop. She rotated back towards the large cloth that was still resting on top of her desk, and an idea sprung into her mind. "Diamond, can you come over here for a moment?" she asked as she strolled behind her desk.

"Do I have to?" Diamond whined, dragging out the ‘have’ to sound additionally irritating.

"If you wouldn’t mind," Cheerilee replied in a tone that meant 'yes'. "And please bring your tiara with you."

Diamond snatched up her tiara like it was a fly on her sandwich and grumbled over to her teacher’s desk. "Are you going to show me your stupid surprise now?" she asked, placing the tiara on the desk without even looking at her teacher.

Cheerilee frowned. "Why, yes. There’s something about it I wanted you to see before the rest of the class." The teacher lifted the yellowish cloth from her desk, revealing a fairly well-sized model of a pony’s skeleton, its brain completely exposed and its heart rhythmically pumping.

"Ew! That’s disgusting!" Diamond shrieked, backing away from her teacher in some sort of nauseated horror. "Why would you show me something like that?"

"Diamond Tiara, tell me again why you think you’re better than the rest of your classmates."

Diamond scoffed, feeling a bit insulted at her teacher’s question. "Miss Cheerilee, why do you keep asking me that? I’m smarter, I’m prettier, I’m nicer, I’m much more hygienic, and I have more talent than anypony in this class is capable of believing they could ever have. How can you forget something like that?"

"What about this model?" Cheerilee asked, placing her hoof on top of it.

"What about it?" Diamond shot back, smirking again. "It’s hideous, disgusting, and boring just like I knew it would be!"

Cheerilee smiled. "But Diamond, how can that be possible? It’s a model of you."

"Wha-what?" Diamond's eyes went buggy. "Don’t insult me! This thing looks nothing like me!"

"Are you sure?" Cheerilee asked. "Take a closer look. It has a brain, four legs, two eyes, a nose, a mouth, a tail, a skeleton, and a heart. Aren’t these all things that you have?"

Diamond stared at it with wide-eyed discomfort. "Well…well, sure, but that doesn’t mean it looks like me."

"Maybe not on the outside, but on the inside, this model could be your twin sister." Cheerilee put her hoof to her mouth. "Oh, wait a minute. I think I see what’s confusing you." She picked up the tiara resting on her desk and rested it squarely on the model’s skull. "There we go. Now do you see it?"

Diamond pinched her eyes shut and stuck her nose high into the air, trying to act as cold-eyed as she could. "Fine, whatever, it’s a model of me. I guess that makes it pretty. Is that what you want? Do you want me to like your stupid model?"

"Actually, I had something else in mind," Cheerilee replied, tuning out her student’s harsh tone and mannerisms. "You see, you’re not the only one to have all these things. Apple Bloom has them too, doesn’t she?"

"All except the brain, sure," Diamond replied, giggling at her own joke.

"And she’s not the only one," Cheerilee continued. "Twist, Snails, Scootaloo, Silver Spoon, Featherweight—"

"I don’t need a roll call, Miss Cheerilee. What’s your point?"

"My point is that I can represent each and every one of my students, including you, with this one model. In fact, I can model everypony in Ponyville with it. So, Diamond, if I were to do that, what would make your model better than anypony else's?"

"That's easy! Mine would..."

Diamond tried to continue, but no words came out. She thought there was a problem with her voice at first, so she let out a small cough to make sure. Her voice worked fine. The problem was that her mind had gone blank. She looked over that hideous model as closely as she could without throwing up, but she couldn't break her own silence.

"It would be the same, wouldn't it?" Cheerilee asked after half a minute of silence went by. "Do you know why? Because when it comes down to this, the basic definition of what it means to be a pony, there is no 'better'. We’re all just as special as each other. Do you understand, Diamond Tiara? Do you see now what I’ve been trying to tell you?"

Diamond was at a loss. She was at a loss because she did understand; it was just too crazy to believe. Unfortunately, her mind was still blanking. She couldn’t come up with an argument against her teacher’s insane logic.

She struggled to come up with anything to scoff at or sarcastically laugh off, but her focus had been thrown off. She couldn't even come up with an annoying noise to stall for time.

Then, just as it seemed that her entire genius plan was about to collapse, a bright light caught her eye from the top of the model's cranium. It was her tiara catching the sunlight that peered in from the window, and the sight of it made something in her brain click.

"Actually, Miss Cheerilee, I take it back," she said as she pivoted away from the desk. "This thing can't possibly be a model of me. I’m not allowed to wear a tiara in class, remember?" she noted, sneaking her teacher a self-satisfied look that she usually saved for her classmates.

Cheerilee gave her model another glance. "Oh, well, yes, I suppose not, but you see where I was going with—"

Diamond twirled back around. "Maybe I could see it better if you took off the tiara and then punished it about seven thousand times for no reason."

"No…no reason?" Cheerilee repeated, making sure she heard correctly.

"That way, you can waste all three of our lives with your meaningless punishments, and the model won’t end up making ponies feel like they’re not special either."

Cheerilee took another good look at her student. The filly's eyes weren’t filled with arrogance and scorn like they had been all that morning. Now they were filled with arrogance, scorn, and honesty. She was actually speaking her mind. As Cheerilee let her words sink in, the teacher began to finally understand the reason behind Diamond's behavior that morning.

"Diamond, do you understand why I’m punishing you?"

Diamond saw her next opportunity and lapped it up. "Of course I do. You have no active social life, so you need somepony to take it out on."

Cheerilee's eyes narrowed. "You can drop the act, Diamond Tiara. I know what you’re trying to do."

Diamond felt a drop of anxiety ripple across her body, but she wasn't about to fold just yet. She sustained her dedicated smirk and condescendingly remarked, "This ought to be good. What am I doing?"

Cheerilee's gaze held firm. "Trying to make a mockery out of your punishment."

"W-what do you mean?" Diamond asked.

"You just told me. You think it's a waste of time, so now you're trying to convince me that it's a waste of time too. I said you could get your tiara back when you start appreciating others, so you're doing the opposite. You're trying to make me think the punishment's doing more harm than good so I'll just end it."

"Isn’t it just brilliant? I came up with the whole thing myself!" Diamond beamed, her fading confidence suddenly replaced with enamored joy.

Cheerilee couldn’t believe it. Not only did Diamond dream up this crazy plan, but she didn’t even seem to understand what was wrong with it. In fact, she seemed proud of it! How had everything sunk to this point?

"But Diamond, I don't understand why you took it this far. You insulted the entire class, including your best friend."

"You never would have bought it if I held back," Diamond said, furrowing her brow, "and Silver Spoon will understand. She and the rest of the class made fun of me all last week, but I'm not so petty that I'd hold it against them."

"They made fun of you?" Cheerilee asked, a different sort of concern present in her voice.

Diamond looked away. "Not to my face, but I know what they were thinking."

Cheerilee covered her flagging eyes with her hoof. "You're honestly telling me you'd rather behave like a little monster than show your classmates a little respect? That’s all I asked for, after all."

"You wanted me to treat them as my equals, Miss Cheerilee. Do you have any idea what that would do to me? Do you want me to have a nervous breakdown?"

"I just wanted to make things better for everypony, and that includes you."

"Well, don’t worry, Miss Cheerilee. I'm sure that things will get better now that it's all behind us."

Diamond smiled cheerfully as she reached for the tiara that was still resting on the model’s head only for said model to be slid backward by her teacher. Diamond dropped her smile for a moment before glancing up at her teacher and resuming it. "You don’t have to clean it for me, Miss Cheerilee. I can wait until tomorrow to wear it."

"I can’t give you this back, Diamond Tiara," Cheerilee replied as her student’s smile sank like steel. "You haven't even made an effort to do what I’ve asked of you. I don’t even think you understand why I punished you to begin with."

"No, I don’t understand!" Diamond angrily shouted. "Why are you so afraid of my specialness? Don’t you want me to be the best I can be?"

"I do want that, Diamond Tiara, but can’t you be at your best without looking down on everypony?"

"That’s the only direction I can look, Miss Cheerilee!" Diamond insisted, resulting in a stunned expression from her teacher. "I have to look down on them. Don’t you understand?"

Cheerilee shook her head, both in response and disappointment. She was starting to develop a headache on top of her drowsiness. A long silence filled the classroom as each of them tried to think of what to say next.

"Miss Cheerilee, do you mind if I tell you a story?" Diamond finally asked.

"What kind of story, Diamond?" Cheerilee raised her eyebrow in intrigue.

"It’s an old pony’s tale that might help you understand my point. It’s called ‘The Mare in the Moon’."

Cheerilee almost giggled. "Well, that’s very thoughtful of you, but I’ve already heard it before."

"Yes, but I don’t think you really got what you needed from it." Diamond gave her teacher her best imitation of the sympathetic expression that Cheerilee herself always made. After getting a quick nod from her puzzled teacher, she cleared her throat and began to tell the story.

Once upon a time, there were two regal sisters. The older sister, Celestia, used her amazing powers to raise the sun every morning, while the younger sister, Luna, used her own lesser powers to drag out the moon every night. They kept it up like this for a few years, but it didn't last. Eventually, Luna realized that her subjects loved her sister’s day waaay more than her night. She wanted to do something about it, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't escape her sister's shadow. Then one night, she snapped, becoming the evil Nightmare Moon and vowing to make sure that her night would last forever. In the end, her sister had no choice but to banish her to the moon, sealing her away forever. So, Equestria was freed from eternal night and Celestia led her subjects into an age of new harmony that carries on to this very day. The end.

"So there you have it, Miss Cheerilee. Is it all clear now?"

"I’m sorry, Diamond. Is what clear now?"

"The moral, Miss Cheerilee! The moral about accepting that some ponies are just better than others!"

Cheerilee’s eyes shot open. That tale was supposed to be a lesson in humility and resisting envy, and that was the moral Diamond got out of it?

"What…what are you…what?" the teacher tried to ask, finding no question adequate to describe what she was thinking.

Diamond groaned. "Princess Luna turned evil because she couldn’t accept the fact that her sister was better than she was."

"Princess Luna became Nightmare Moon because she was jealous of her sister’s popularity. That doesn’t make Celestia better than her sister."

"But her sister was better. It’s right there in the story. Luna turned evil; Celestia stayed good. Celestia was popular; Luna was a nopony. And even after turning evil and getting those cool Nightmare Moon powers, Celestia was still able to seal her away. She was better in just about every way, Miss Cheerilee, and that made her special."

"There’s more to that story, though, Diamond. Princess Luna wasn’t sealed away forever. Thanks to the efforts of the Elements of Harmony, she was freed from her dark powers. Now, she and her sister are working together as equal princesses of Equestria, just as it should be."

"But that’s just it, Miss Cheerilee. They're not equal. Nothing's changed after all these years. I certainly don't know anypony that sleeps during the day and stays awake at night. It’s exactly the same as it was before. The only difference is that Luna’s accepted it. She’s accepted that her night will never be as popular as her sister's day. It’s the same here, Miss Cheerilee. This is what you don’t understand. I'm the day. The rest of the class is the night. I'm Celestia. They're all Luna. That’s why I have to look down on them. They need to know their place or they'll just end up getting smacked down by reality and stranded on the moon for a thousand years just like Princess Luna. Now do you understand?"

Cheerilee had no response to that, not even a twitch of the nose. If Diamond was really this convinced of her superiority, all the punishment in the world wouldn't make her doubt that. She’d never even understand what she was doing wrong. There just didn't seem to be any way to get through to her. It seemed that the teacher's only option was to make Diamond somehow want to improve her behavior. To do that, she'd have to make a filly who thought she was the best at everything want to be better at something.

"You know what, Diamond?" she composedly asked. "You’re right. This punishment is a waste of our time. I’m sorry."

"Really? You mean I can have my tiara back now?" Diamond asked, eagerly leaning across her teacher's desk to grab her headpiece again.

"It’s just a shame, really," Cheerilee sighed, making Diamond stop her advance to listen. "I really thought you could do it."

"You thought I could do what?" Diamond asked out of curiosity.

"I really thought you could go the extra mile and give your classmates some real Diamond Tiara-quality encouragement. I thought you could be the bigger pony and just throw them a bone. I guess I asked too much of you." Cheerilee turned away from her student.

"I…I can be the bigger pony!" Diamond insisted, dropping her tiara back onto the desk. "I’m the biggest pony there is!"

"Oh? You mean you have enough talent to make this class feel good about themselves?" Cheerilee asked doubtfully.

"With my mouth taped shut!" Diamond boasted.

"All right, then I’ll make you a deal," Cheerilee declared, turning around and looking her student right in the eye. "If you can make just one new friend, and that friend can tell me what an uplifting and selfless pony you are, then I’ll give you back this tiara right away, no questions asked. What do you think? Are you special enough to pull that off?"

Diamond’s eyes shifted between her tiara and her teacher as she realized what had just happened. However, she chew off her own tail before she'd let her teacher get away with such an insult.

"I’m Diamond Tiara. It’ll be no problem at all, Miss Cheerilee," she innocently replied.

"Splendid," Cheerilee responded with a tired smile as she picked up the tiara, placing it back inside her desk drawer. "Now then, about your punishment…"

Diamond’s jaw dropped like a dead fish. "My…my punishment? What punishment?"

"Don't think I forgot about your behavior here today," Cheerilee answered with a glare, making the filly’s ears fall flat. "I’m not asking for much. I just want you to apologize for it."

"That’s it?" Diamond asked, her left ear standing up straight on her head before the other one followed suit. "Okay! I’m sorry."

"Not to me," Cheerilee replied, shaking her head, "and not today. I'll give you the holiday to prepare for it, and on Wednesday, I want you to stand in front of this class, and apologize to them. Not only that, but I want you to compliment each individual pony that you insulted here today."

"But I insulted everypony!"

"Then I suppose you better start brainstorming some compliments. And I expect them to be just as well thought out as the insults you brought with you today."

Just then, a shout was heard from outside that caught Cheerilee’s attention, quickly followed by another one. "What's going on out there?" she asked basically to herself as she got up from her desk to check on her class.

"Miss Cheerilee?" Diamond squeaked as Cheerilee reached the door. "You said I just need to make...one new friend?"

"That’s right," Cheerilee replied, her hoof already on the door. "Although, if you want to make more, that’d be great."

"And then you’ll give me my tiara back?"

Cheerilee nodded, giving a warm, reassuring smile. "I promise."

"Spike!" Twilight called as she reentered the library. "Oh, where is that lazy dragon? Doesn’t he know we’ve got work to do?" She turned to her friends and their strange new animal friend. "Sorry for the mess. I meant to have everything organized before having company over, but Applejack wasn't home, and I got a little caught up in looking for her."

"What are you talking about, Twilight?" Pinkie asked. "This place looks amazing! Ooh! Is that a disco ball?" She looked up to inspect the large, glowing orb hanging from Twilight’s ceiling.

"Actually it is, but it’s not there for dancing," Twilight responded to a disappointed Pinkie. "I was doing a bit of studying last week, and I found this new…" Twilight stopped and looked at the creature standing there in the ludicrous pony costume. Fluttershy had insisted that it was harmless, but the timing on its appearance was too perfect. They were supposed to be on the lookout for any strange creatures trying to steal their Elements, and from Pinkie’s description, it certainly had the ‘strange’ part down.

Twilight wondered if this thing could see her crown or her friends’ necklaces if she were to take that brown box off its head; although, whether it could or not, it was best if she didn’t mention any of her magical defenses in front of it for the time being.

"Actually, I think I'm confusing it for something else. I did just put it there for dancing," Twilight explained, putting up a fake smile to convince her friends she was telling the truth.

"All right!" Pinkie exclaimed, extending her hoof around Twilight’s back. "I knew you’d come around eventually, Twilight! Let’s turn on the music and have ourselves a disco party! Where’s your turntables?"

"I don’t have any turntables," Twilight said in dull confusion.

Pinkie sighed. "You’ve still got a long way to go, Twilight."

Twilight ignored Pinkie’s remark and turned back to the second most perplexing creature in the room. "So…why don’t we just get down to business, Mork, was it?"

"Mork mork," the creature said through the box on its head as if the word defined the meaning of its existence.

"That means ‘yes’," Fluttershy chimed in, patting Mork on the back in encouragement.

"Nopony else should disturb us now, so I think we can take off that silly disguise. Fluttershy, a little help, please?"

Fluttershy and Twilight began carefully taking off the different parts of the costume. They started with the ceramic pots covering his legs, revealing a pair of puffy, white gloves on his two front claws and a pair of small, black shoes on his back ones. Twilight felt relieved that Rarity wasn’t here. This sort of asymmetry would have driven her mad.

They continued by taking off the ring of deflated pool floats that were covering its torso, revealing it was wearing some fairly informal clothing that covered everything but its forearms. All of it was a very monotone shade of blue that almost made it difficult to tell if it was wearing two articles of clothing or just one. Finally, Twilight slowly lifted the box off the creature’s head, and she was finally able to see it in full. As she did so, the creature gave her a funny look, seeming to be more surprised than she was.

"Well, Twilight? Can you tell what he is?" Fluttershy asked the inquisitive unicorn.

Twilight almost felt a bit underwhelmed after pulling off that box. The mystery creature was definitely strange-looking, and she couldn’t identify what species it belonged to, but as far as bizarre creatures go, it was so…plain. It had two eyes, one nose, a mouth, two ears, and the typical body shape of any other mammal she could name. Its skin was somewhat orange, but much less so than Applejack's coat; it had no coat of its own aside from a collection of disorderly red-orange fuzz on the top of its head; and its ears were on the side of its head like Spike’s rather than the top like her own. As she walked around it, inspecting it, the only curious note about it was its distinct lack of anything resembling a tail. As far as mammals were concerned, Twilight couldn’t think of a single animal to share that trait.

She wondered if it could be a fully-grown parasprite, but if that were true, she was certain Pinkie could have identified it. Anyway, it would have been a pretty big leap to say it was a parasprite because it had no tail.

"Well, Twilight? Can you?" Pinkie asked excitedly after a few seconds of silence.

"I…well, I…no," Twilight finally admitted after staring at Mork’s face for a good twenty-three seconds.

"Oh, well, we understand. Thanks for helping anyway," Fluttershy said, trying to stay optimistic.

"I do have an idea, though." Twilight walked over to one of the bookshelves as the three others watched closely. She used her magic to grab one of the books from the top shelf and some ink from her desk. She opened the book to an empty page and walked back over with the two objects floating above her.

Pinkie's excitement doubled at that moment. "Oh! Oh! I get it! You’re gonna use your magic to summon some super-smart genie that knows everything but can’t say anything, so you got some ink and paper so he can write down where Mork’s from! That’s Twilight for ya, always thinking."

"I’m just getting Mork’s clawprints," Twilight muttered. "If I can find a similar pair of them in one of my books, it might give us a clue on…what’s wrong with Mork?"

Fluttershy's ears shot up at Twilight’s question, immediately turning to check on Mork's state of affairs. He looked positively terrified. He was shaking from head to shoe, and he had his eyes firmly locked on Twilight.

"Mork, it’s okay. You don’t have to be—"

Before Fluttershy could finish reassuring the creature, he dashed out of that library faster than they could even react to it, leaving an imprint of his body in the front door in the process.

"…scared," Fluttershy finished, moving the hair out of her eyes that had blown into her face.

"Oh no!" Twilight yelped, throwing the door open as stepped into the doorway. "Come on, girls. We need to catch Mork before something bad happens! Who knows how dangerous he could be in this panicked state?"

"Wait for me, Mork! I wanna flee in terror too!" Pinkie called as she bounced out the door.

"Oh dear, oh dear…" Fluttershy repeated to herself as she followed Pinkie out.

Twilight stopped to inspect the door that the crazed animal had ripped through like paper and sighed. "Well, there's one thing we’ve learned about Mork. It seems he doesn’t know how doors work."

Okay, Supernature, I get your game. Give a man a fish and then slap him with it. Fine, you win. You can ignore me for the rest of my natural life. Just keep those crazy horses away from me!

My list of pet peeves was longer than a hallway in a dream, but there were three things on it that stood out above all others. Cold weather ruined going outside, conversations ruined social interaction, and then there was magic. Oh boy, then there was magic.

Most people knew magic as a flashy, happy-go-lucky miracle matter that could do things that would otherwise be impossible, but I knew it for what it was. I knew it all.

It could do some impressive stuff. It could make things levitate into the air, illuminate the dark, turn people into frogs, and make diet soda taste like regular soda, but I wouldn’t touch the stuff for all the ice cream this world had to impress me with. It tried to act like it was this amazing supernatural marvel, but that couldn’t be more of a lie. There was nothing supernatural about it. It was unnatural. It was the ultimate lie.

It would cost a forest to write down the entire list of reasons that made magic insufferable, but a simple poem I learned in fifth grade summed it up perfectly:

Roses are green.
Violets are grey.
If you use magic,
you probably wrote this poem.

It was a simple fact of life. Magic destroyed the mind. Every other public service announcement on television could tell you that. All it took was one spell, potion, hex, or enchantment, and bam! Suddenly, false moustaches were convincing disguises. It was diabolical what magic could do to a person, and these pony things were talking about using it like it was a cabinethopping soap dispenser. Well, they could forget about it. If they wanted to play with the stupid sauce, fine, but I wasn’t sticking around for them to force it on me. I’d dig back to my world with my bare hands if necessary.

I had no idea where I was going, but if I was actually scared enough to zoom again, I knew I had to get as far away from that library as possible before their lazy dragon minion came back. Dragons were practically made of magic, and I knew I couldn't outrun one if it showed up.

Zooming on all fours felt unbelievably awkward, so I switched back to running on two legs. Luckily, at the speed I was going, I probably just looked like a huge blur to everyone, so I don’t think anyone but the screaming ponies diving out of my way even noticed me.

When I finally stopped to catch my breath, I was standing right outside a very gaudy-looking building in the middle of what appeared to be a small town. I didn’t have time to observe anything else, so I quickly popped inside the house before anyone saw, causing a little bell to go off as I stepped inside.

Odd bit of familiarity at a time like this.

As I entered the building, the BGM switched to a very well-rehearsed string piece as if I had just entered a fancy restaurant or a rich supervillain’s lair. The room was filled with a bunch of small, horse-shaped statues that reminded me of the one on my campus’s fountain, only these actually looked like horses.

Though the fact that they had no faces was a little off-putting, the way they had been decorated made them pretty appealing to look at, despite how orange they all were. I figured I must have walked into some kind of art museum given the number of them along with the music.

However, before I could figure any further, I was greeted with the presence of another new pony. This one was white with a swirly, purple mane, and, much like Twolight, she was another to have a weird horn-looking appendage on her forehead. Her intro theme matched the BGM, meaning this was her house. She had walked in from the next room with her eyes closed, which meant I knew exactly how this was going to play out. I got back on all fours and waited.

"I’m terribly sorry to keep you waiting. I hope you don’t hold it against me. I just got back from the spa a few moments ago. You wouldn’t believe how stressful it’s been to try to come up with a new design when all I have to work with is…"

That was as far as she got before she opened her eyes and claimed the title of "Third pony of the day to scream right in my face upon seeing me for the first time." It was a pretty lengthy title, but she definitely earned it.

"Shoo! Get out! Begone you…thing you! This is a place of business, not your primeval stomping grounds!"

Business? What could you possibly be selling here? Ambiance?

I saw that horn on her forehead light up as a broom levitated into the air with a glow around it of the same color. Before I knew it, the head of the broom came swinging down at me as if it had a mind of its own, and I began dodging it like it was made of noise and ice. This horse clearly knew how to use magic, which made her a very intimidating opponent.

A broomstick as a weapon's a bit silly, but I guess it makes sense if she's a witch. She must be a witch.

In addition to telepathically swinging her broom at me, the swirly-haired witch continued yelling, "And where did you ever obtain that hideous outfit? Did you steal it from somepony? That’s very naughty, you know, and didn’t your mother ever tell you that blue doesn’t complement your hair at all?"

Who steals clothes? Matter of fact, who wears clothes around here? The most clothed pony I’d seen today was Pinkie with her ice cream coat.

As I continued sidestepping her broom swipes, she began to get more and more irritated. I was more than fine with leaving, but now I was afraid she had enchanted the door to lock it shut, which meant touching it was out of the question.

I knew I couldn’t keep dodging forever considering how aggressive she was getting, so I started backing over towards the collection of statues in a feeble attempt to get lost in the crowd.

Well, you try thinking up a better plan!

As her next swing barely missed the tip of my nose, I fell backwards into one of the statues, beginning a chain reaction like none I’d ever seen before, and I'd seen ones involving dominoes. Too much happened to explain it all in detail, but let’s just say that it started with me knocking over the statue and ended with a remote-controlled train carrying balloons over a pile of flowers as the witch wiped the orange paint out of her eyes.

At first, I thought she'd melt, but it seemed the paint covering the entire top half of her body wasn't water-based and only served to calm her down. She just stood there twitching her right eye and clicking her tongue, which I took to mean I had a chance to escape. I got back up, trundling toward the window that had been shattered during the great reaction. However, before I could make it back outside, a pillow was levitated in front of it. That sinister glow around it made it the second most terrifying pillow I had ever seen in my life.

"Not so fast, you beast! You must be crazy to believe I'd let you waltz into my boutique, do as you please, and run off without paying for your crimes. You are not leaving until this place is spotless, do you understand? Spotless!"

A clean lair and I can leave? Sold.

The witch’s "boutique" didn’t have sufficiently catchy BGM to work as montage music, so I had to hum my own. It wasn’t the most inspiring montage I’d ever performed, but I managed to finish in about twenty seconds. Considering I was cleaning for a witch, I decided to put in some extra effort to make up for the fact that my work wasn’t instantaneous like she was probably accustomed to. I was just hoping she liked her fabric alphabetized by color and not by type. She certainly had a lot of orange. It must have been her favorite color.

After the place was clean, the window was fixed, and the statues were all set back upright, the witch seemed to have decided to enter a state of meditation. I had heard magicky types liked to do that sort of thing, but I never imagined how creepy it could be. She stood completely still, her mouth agape and her left eye slightly closed like she was looking at something disturbing or modern art.

I’ll never understand magic.

Since the witch seemed to have gone to another realm of existence, I began backing toward the open window in an attempt to finally leave. The sooner I was out of this magical dungeon, the better.

That was when I felt something small and hairy brush up against my leg. I had no idea what flavor of wickedness it was, but it startled me so much that my body sailed straight through the front door, leaving my eyeballs to catch up.

Two is the smallest prime number.The medulla oblongata controls the heart and lungs. Cookies are food. Okay, I'm still here. Whatever that was wasn't magical.

After crashing outside, I could hear the white fiend behind me whining about something, but I simply had no time to care. Witches were a very odd type of villain but not my kind of odd or my kind of villain. I preferred to hatch plots with decent villains who fought with noble tools of antagonism like wit and laser beams, thank you very much.

I just kept moving as fast as my body could zoom from that "place of business". How unfortunate for me that I didn’t even notice I had run right back toward the three ponies I was originally running away from. After we collided, all of us but Twilight ended up on the ground.

"Oh, Mork!" Fluttershy exclaimed, "Thank goodness we found you before something horrible happened. You’re not hurt, are you?"

Don’t fall for it, Mork. Don’t listen to anything that perfect voice says. She’s with them. She probably uses magic to make those wings of hers work!

Before Twolight got back up, I noticed her panic and swipe the ground next to her as if she were grabbing something. Then, she carefully touched the top of her head. Judging from her bizarre movements, I figured she was preparing to cast some diabolical spell on me now that I had fallen back into her clutches.

All right, you purple people persecutor, it’s time I showed you what a human can do when he’s scared out of his mind!

Leaving another dust cloud of myself, I zoomed away from that spot so quickly that my legs turned into wheels. I wasn't going to let them catch me. No matter what happened, I was getting out of this with every last brain cell intact.

Then, just as I was afraid might happen, my bejeepers locked up and my feet slowed down to normal speed as I was forced to use my own stamina to keep myself going. I glanced back to see the magical trio chasing after me.

"Mork, come back! We don't want to hurt you! We just want to help you get home!" Twolight shouted, the deception just oozing from her words.

"Please stop running, Mork!" I barely heard Fluttershy cry over the wind in my ears. "Your little legs will get tired!" She made a convincing argument, but I didn't have enough magic in my system to fall for it.

"Yeah!" Twilight added to the flame with a dangerously jolly grin on her face. "And how are we gonna have our party if you keep running away?"

You're right, Twilight. I should run faster.

As I tried to pick up the pace, I heard a surprisingly familiar change in the BGM. It was a bit different from the way it usually sounded, but I could still recognize it. It was the comedic, carnival-esque tune named after the great BGM researcher who discovered it, Benny Drill. I had entered a chase sequence, and it had reached full swing.

My first instinct was to find a place to hide. I started looking around the area for any nearby newspapers, giant hats, or narrow hallways of doors to help me out, but strangely there were none to be found. Instead, I decided to start simply by ducking behind a wall that I was about to run past. Unfortunately, the magical trio actually stopped and followed me around the corner instead of continuing to run forward.

That’s weird. This music is supposed to make everyone except the one being chased lose control of their common sense, especially for magic users.

I darted down the alley before they could grab hold of me, horrific images coming to mind of what would happen if they did. As I came out the other end of the alleyway, I spotted a small sign to my right, displaying a horse with a mustache and a top hat on it. Thinking quickly, I plucked the mustache and hat right off the sign and put them on myself.

However, when my pursuers emerged from the alleyway, they somehow saw right through my disguise. I pointed off to the distance in an effort to convince them they were mistaken, but they just looked at me like I was using a baseball bat to play cards.

What’s going on here? The music’s still playing, and the chasers have magic on their side. Why is there still so much rational thought around here? And where's all the construction work?

I dashed off once more, leaving my hat and mustache spinning in place from where I departed. At this rate, the magic brigade was going to catch me before the BGM even got through its first cycle, so I decided to use some rational thought of my own. Looking around for a moment, I found exactly what I was looking for. It was my perfect escape route: stairs.

Right off the beaten path, there was a straight, double-jointed staircase that I swear had a spotlight shining down on top of it. I slid down the banister of those stairs and triumphantly stood at the bottom, looking back up to watch my pursuers' laughable attempt to follow.

What now, spellsticks? You’ve been betrayed by your own architecture! Horses can’t walk down stairs!

As the spellsticks followed me by sprinting, bouncing, and flying down the stairs respectively, I came to realize a flaw with my brilliant plan.

Cows! Cows can’t walk down stairs.

I turned around to continue running but smacked right into yet another pony that was standing right in my way. The collision knocked the cowboy hat it was wearing onto my head and gave me the chance to embrace my old friend Mr. Dirt again.

As I opened my eyes, I now saw four ponies staring down at me with an admittedly entertaining diversity of facial expressions. They had now formed a magical quartet. Luckily, the music was still playing, so I was still able to escape. The music may have stopped me from zooming, but I could still zip.

I popped out from behind a wall somewhere, looking around to see where I'd ended up. I was standing next to a building that resembled a schoolhouse with the large bell at the top. The BGM was winding down to a more placid tune, and I didn’t really see any good hiding spots from the side, so I decided to sneak around the back like a ninja to try and find one.

This decision turned out to be another bad idea, as there were about fifteen Pinkie-sized horses back there playing around and having fun. I could feel the gigantic drop of sweat run down the back of my head as they each turned to face me. I slowly slid my new cowboy hat over my face, fruitlessly trying to blend into my surroundings. The lot of them seemed about as shocked as everyone else who’d seen me that morning, though thankfully none of them screamed.

I knew that going back the way I came would send me straight towards brain destruction, so I ignored all the various mumblings from all the young ponies and barreled straight across the playground. None of them tried to stop me. Most just backed out of my way as I ran by.

Halfway across the playground, I looked up from under my hat to see two fillies that were paying me no mind. Both of them were staring through a window, focused on what was happening inside. One was gray and white while the other was orange and purple. I wouldn’t have bothered to note them if I hadn’t tripped over a rusty bucket that was set upright behind them. As I stumbled over it and crashed into the ground for about the seven hundredth time that day, the orange filly standing beside me saw fit to turn around, face me, and take her rightful spot as the fourth screamer. The gray one claimed spot number five shortly after, but she was the only one of the two to take off. The orange one dove onto the fallen bucket like it was the last slice of pizza.

No food metaphors! Don't think about food!

Before I got back up, a twinge of curiosity made me look to see what had the two fillies so invested. It turned out they had a good reason. Behind that window, arguing with some purple mare and still not as pink as she should have been, was Pinkie, or Pinkie Pie, as Twilight clarified.

How does she keep popping up everywhere? If I were crazy, I'd say she was a hat.

My memory of getting slimed by her that morning flooded across my memory banks, and a shocking realization punched my mind in the face. I had spent a great deal of time that morning intentionally making Pinkie mad enough to make hornets fly out her ears, but she never used a drop of magic on me. In fact, there was nothing magical about her. No wings. No horn. She was just normal, supernatural Pinkie.

No wonder she was so rude to Fluttershy. She probably couldn't stand any of this magical nonsense either, which was understandable considering both of her parents were on a first name basis with its admirers. She was probably debating that mare about it as I narrated. That was what I called a filly with her head on straight. I needed to be more like her. I needed to show some backbone in this magical dystopia and take my adventure back!

"Hey, Apple Bloom, isn't that your sister's hat?" I heard a voice squeak, indicating that it was time for me to leave. I picked up my new hat and scrambled to my feet, my newfound determination making me feel both uplifted and nearly invincible.

So, after dashing around the corner of the schoolhouse and slamming directly into the school's flagpole at full speed, me and my new forehead welt stumbled around for a bit, making sure to look as foolish as possible; scared away the birds fluttering around my face; and then meandered away from the school before somepony heard all the high-pitched giggling from the crowd of spectating equine students.

Yep, just like a ninja.

I ran straight back into the heart of the town, taking a quick break to collapse onto my side and catch my breath. I knew it was only a matter of time before those crazy four-legged sorcerers caught up to me again, so I figured I would reopen my eyes to find them standing over me again. However, I instead opened them to find a familiar group of white legs in my line of sight. I slowly tilted my head up to see the white witch giving me her best Pinkie impression, and much to my irritation, my eyes decided to pop out of my head in response.

"You! Look what you did to my door!" she shrieked, pointing back to her museum store. "I don’t know what sort of uncultured grotto you grew up in, but here in Ponyville we use doorknobs!"

Do you? Do you really?

"Rarity! I can’t believe it! You caught Mork!" Twolight called out as she and her cohorts arrived on the scene, one of them being the orange mare whose hat I had liberated. All I noticed about her intro theme was that it involved the banjo. Even without any psychological insight, I knew what that meant.

"I'll take that," she said grumpily as she snatched her hat back. I would have resisted, but honestly, she looked ridiculous without the hat.

"Twilight, what is going on here? Are you acquainted with this…thing?" the witch asked in disgust.

Did they say the witch's name? I didn't quite catch it.

"Well, sort of," Twolight replied. "Fluttershy found him, and we were trying to figure out what he is and where he came from before he just took off for no reason. He didn’t cause you any trouble, did he?"

"Trouble? Just look at my door! It’s positively ruined! How is anypony supposed to take me seriously as a designer with such a ghastly hole in my door?"

The orange one chuckled. "You think maybe you ought to clean the paint out of yer hair before you start talking about ponies taking you seriously?"

The witch’s cheeks turned red as she looked herself over. "Fluttershy!" she whined, dragging out Fluttershy’s name like it was a one-word incantation.

Fluttershy rubbed the top of my head again as she spoke up, "I’m sure he didn’t mean it. He was just scared. Weren’t you, Mork?"

"Mork," I firmly disagreed, my assertion only rewarded with another head rub.

Something is very wrong here. They spent all this time chasing me, and I haven’t even been threatened yet. Is this the part where I'm supposed to show backbone? All right, then. Let the skirmish begin.

"Why don’t we all go back to the library and figure out what to do next?" Twolight suggested.

"That sounds like a splendid idea, Twilight, but do you mind if I make another suggestion?"

I froze, my entire body turning bright white, clothes and all. The majestic voice resonated above everything like the North wind on vacation. It held so much more authority and power that it echoed in my ears. Even my magical adversaries all turned around in surprise to face it, the witch looking positively horrified. As my eyes cleared up from popping out of my head, I was left facing a positively colossal horse, even bigger than a horse from back home, and my eyes popped back out again.

"P-princess Celestia!" Twolight exclaimed, her and and the rest of her legion kneeling down in submission. "What are you doing here? It's only Monday."

It...it is? Still? I knew I should have paid more attention to the date under the chapter title.

"Didn't you get my letter, Twilight?" the white giant asked. "I wanted to make sure that our new guest received a sincerely warm welcome. I thought it would be best if I personally attended to it."

The esteemed princess turned to get an eyeful of me, and I did the same in return once my vision unblurred again. Much like our resident designer-witch, her coat was completely white. In contrast, her mane was at least three different colors, and it never seemed to stop moving. The most notable feature about her, though, was the fact that she possessed both the horn of unlimited magical power and the wings of questionable magic ability. Based on the sound of her imposing intro theme, the reaction she got upon her arrival, the two armored guards behind her, and the obnoxiously regal crown on her head, I knew I was staring at the one in charge, the master of magic, the final boss.

A warm welcome, you say? Call me crazy, but I don't think she's baking me a cake.

That Sounds Like A Challenge

Chpt. 14 - That Sounds Like A Challenge

Monday, March 31st

"Are you sure Rainbow Dash will be okay by herself?" Twilight asked for the third time that past hour as she and her friends followed Princess Celestia up the steep, grassy hill.

"I think we can trust Rainbow Dash to look after her element on her own for a few hours," Celestia replied. "She is the Element of Loyalty after all."

Twilight quickened her pace to walk at the princess’s side. "I know, but don’t you think it’s a bit risky to be coming all this way out here without her? All it takes is to lose one, and the other five become useless."

"It’ll be fine, Twilight," the princess replied with a reassuring smile. "I have my guards on the lookout for signs of this threat all over Equestria. If it were to show up now, I could get us back to Ponyville before it could even sneeze on Rainbow’s necklace."

"R-right, of course, Princess Celestia," Twilight said. "I’m sorry. I should know better than to doubt your good judgment."

"It’s quite alright, Twilight. I do wish we were able to find Rainbow Dash, though. I was hoping this would be something all of you would be able to see."

Twilight looked up toward at princess's smiling face. "I know you said it was a surprise, Princess, but do you think you could at least--ah!" Twilight winced in pain, briefly placing her hoof to her head as her train of thought was interrupted.

"I’m sorry, Princess Celestia. I’ve been getting these pretty malicious headaches for the past week now. I think I might be coming down with something."

Celestia frowned as she glanced down at her student. "You know, Twilight, if the responsibility of looking after that crown is beginning to take its toll on you, I can look into alternative means of protecting it for the remainder of the week."

Twilight’s eyes widened in a sudden burst of outrage. "No!" she shouted, catching herself before she began her tirade. She stiffened her posture and plastered an awkward smile across her face as she said in a much calmer tone, "I mean, that won’t be necessary. I’m fully capable of handling the responsibility for five more days. Besides, when this threat attacks us, I’d feel much better if this crown were on my head than in a vault somewhere."

Celestia had to giggle at her student’s determination. "I suppose you have a point. Just make sure you’re not pushing yourself too hard. If what you said is true about this threat spying on us, we need to be certain now more than ever that we're in good condition to face it."

Twilight took a quick glance back down the hill. "That reminds me, Princess. Are you absolutely sure it’s not him?" She looked again to get another look at the orange-haired stranger that had also accompanied them on their long hike.

Mork didn’t appear too eager to follow them. His pace was slowing down the group's skyward advance. Fluttershy and Pinkie were sticking closer to him than even the princess’s own two guards, making sure he was feeling okay and listing all the things they were going to do later, respectively.

Meanwhile, Applejack and Rarity chose to keep their distance, though they were probably paying him more attention than anypony else. Rarity wore an umbrella hat as an oddly specific precaution against the creature, and Applejack kept distrustfully clutching onto her own hat every time she thought she saw him glancing over at her.

Mork, however, didn’t seem to be paying mind to much of anything. He continued to mechanically respond to Fluttershy’s questions with an appropriate number of ‘morks’ as his claws looked to dig deeper into the ground with every step. He was walking on all fours again despite how much more comfortable he seemed on his hind legs, and in spite of the balloon hat Pinkie had placed on his head, his ever-present smile had disappeared. If he were a pony, one might have thought he was sulking.

"As sure as I’ll raise the sun tomorrow," Celestia insisted with an aura of confidence, "but I think you’ll understand once we reach our destination."

"And, uh, where exactly would that be?" Applejack asked, immediately getting an emotionless stare from one of Celestia’s guards in response. "Uh, I mean, if you don’t mind me asking."

"Hopefully it’s somewhere with a suitable cushion to lie on," Rarity wheezed from the back of the group as she struggled to keep up with even Mork. "All this exercise can’t possibly be healthy for me."

"It must be somewhere pretty special," Twilight theorized, looking over the map of Equestria she had brought with her. "I can’t even find where we are anymore."

"Why don’t you take a look for yourself?" Celestia asked in return, coming to a stop as they arrived at the summit of the hill. "We’ve just arrived."

Twilight looked up from her map to see what was to behold, utterly baffled at the sight in front of her. After walking for nearly three hours, they had finally arrived at a large, open plateau where a single tree at the far edge was all that prevented it from being nothing but flat land as far as one could see. The tree had no leaves, appearing to be dead by every stretch of the imagination, and the few patches of grass that could be found were withered and yellow. Everything else consisted of dirt and mud.

The field was completely unoccupied, which made it a good place to discuss something private, but there didn’t seem to be anything special about it that would explain why the princess insisted they come all the way out here instead of just going to the library like she had suggested.

"Wow! Look at all this mud!" Pinkie exclaimed, diving into a thick, wet pile of it for a bit of free-spirited wallowing. "It’s like a giant mud monster got a runny nose and then blew up!"

"I’d say there must be about two whole acres of land up here. Any chance you’re looking to sell this here field?" Applejack asked one of the guards, receiving a rigid head shake in return.

The last to reach the hill’s peak, Rarity stepped forward to take a closer look, immediately grimacing as if she had arrived at the summit of a volcano. Trying to be polite, she smiled and said, "Princess Celestia, if you don’t mind me saying so, please tell me we didn’t come all this way just to trudge through mud. I just got my mane looking spiffy again, and I’d prefer to keep it that way."

She shot Mork another angry, one-eyed glare at the thought of their previous encounter. The embarrassment of the princess seeing her partly orange had left a haunting stain on her short-term memory, and she wouldn’t dare allow something like it to happen again.

"It’s okay, Rarity," Celestia cordially replied. "I know it looks a bit crude, but appearances can be deceiving." The princess’s eyes shined bright white, and her horn lit up to match. Without another word of warning, she released a golden beam of magic straight into the center of the open field, and the others had to shield their eyes as the entire area was encompassed in a bright flash of light from the expansive burst of magic.

After it receded, Pinkie was left rolling around in a mound of finely-trimmed grass, her coat still covered in the mud that had originally caught her attention. She stopped rolling for a moment to notice the change and then continued.

"Princess, what just...happened?" Twilight asked, her eyes refocusing to the setting in front of her. The formerly-dead tree now looked as if it was the very source of life itself, bearing leaves with colors that didn’t even appear in the fall. Ignoring Pinkie, there wasn’t a speck of mud or dirt left to be found, instead a perfectly-grazed field of vibrant, green grass encompassing the entire space.

However, the biggest and most noticeable change was the addition of the narrow path of pure, white marble. The perfectly-chiseled path led to a monumental, azure canvas tent that towered over them, princess and all.

"Not what you’d expect to find here, is it?" the princess playfully asked her student, prompting a speechless shake of the head from the stunned mare. Aside from the one rolling around like a pill bug, all of Twilight’s friends had become captivated by the transformed setting. Even Mork's eye seemed to have been caught by the impressive sight.

"I don’t believe it!" Pinkie exclaimed while staring at everything upside-down in the grass. "Princess Celestia’s taking us to the circus!"

"Not quite, Pinkie," Celestia corrected. "You see, to most ponies, the summit of this hill is just an empty wasteland, completely devoid of life and purpose." Celestia turned around to face her audience that looked to be having trouble processing everything. "Because of its steep incline and bare summit, very few ponies bother scaling it, and those who do generally turn right around upon seeing what’s at the top."

Celestia met Twilight’s gaze with a regal smile as the wind picked up. "However, as you can see, this hill is far from empty. In fact, the top of this hill is actually the single most magical location in all of Equestria."

A soft thud immediately followed the princess’s statement, shocking the awestruck mares out of their daze.

"Mork? Mork!" Fluttershy exclaimed as she caught sight of the creature that had collapsed onto its back right next to her. His colorful hat had fallen off, his eyes had gone swirly, and a tiny bit of drool was slipping out of the corner of his mouth as he neglected to respond to the concerned pegasus’s inquiries.

"Is he all right, Fluttershy?" the princess asked, her voice infected with concern.

"I…I don’t know. He was just fine a minute ago." Fluttershy said, waving her hoof in front of Mork’s face.

"He has done quite a bit of walking today. Maybe he’s just exhausted," Twilight proposed as she took a closer look at the fallen creature.

"Oh, I knew I should have carried him," Fluttershy chastised herself as she checked his vitals.

"It could be the heat. Maybe we oughta get him out of the sun," Applejack suggested, placing her hoof to her forehead as she glanced toward the sky.

"Good thinking, Applejack," Rarity agreed as she stepped onto the marble path. "This creature simply can’t afford the change in skin tone if it’s going to continue wearing this outfit."

"I suppose it’s settled then," Celestia chimed in. "Let’s all head inside. There’s much I have to explain to you all."

By Fluttershy’s request, Mork was gently and carefully lifted onto the back of one of the guards. After those seven minutes had passed and Pinkie finally stopped rolling around in the turf, the group of curious ponies followed their princess on towards the unknown confines of the alluring, blue tent.

Twilight shoved the cloth that made up the front entrance aside, and Applejack held it open to let the rest of them in. The orange mare instinctively grabbed hold of her hat again as the guard carrying Mork entered, trying to pass it off that she was just straightening it. The guard gave her yet another blank stare.

After they had all entered, the five mares were left to face the contents of the tent, and visually, it certainly didn’t disappoint. While the external walls of the tent were a vivid blue, the inside walls were a bright, fluorescent swirl of color that almost made the walls look like they were moving. An enormous, transparent sphere hung down from the tent’s roof, giving off a faint, purple aura as it slowly rotated above them; a large telescope stuck out of a gigantic opening on the tent’s back wall; and a vast number of considerably large objects resembling stars in the night sky floated in place throughout the tent’s atmosphere like they were each held still by some invisible force.

"Welcome to Twinklespark," Celestia began, "the single most significant and well-hidden location for all magical research in Equestria. In fact, you could call it the birthplace of magic."

"I’d just as soon believe it was the birthplace of interior design," Rarity gushed as she felt the material that made up the tent’s colorful walls.

"For generations," the princess continued, "the most well-renowned unicorns in Equestrian history have been invited here to assist in the research and development of the most powerful spells known to ponykind. Over three out of every four spells ever created has their roots within these walls, and only half of those are even known outside of them."

Twilight felt as if a steel girder had just been placed on her tongue. Perhaps it was the constantly changing colors on the walls, but she was finding it difficult to keep her balance as she took in the entrancing sight, wondering if she'd be the next one to collapse.

Applejack, picking up on Twilight’s fitting speechlessness, felt the need to speak up, nudging her friend as she prompted, "Well, ain’t this the bee's buzzer, Twilight? I bet you got a whole storm a questions to ask the princess, huh?"

Twilight’s eyes had grown wide as bowling balls. She looked down at the grass that made up the floor, finding herself unable to stop considering what other great unicorns had stood in the exact spot she was standing. A few random consonant sounds and a brief exhalation were the best responses she could manifest.

Realizing she’d have better luck getting Mork to talk at this rate, Applejack tried to save her friend from further embarrassment by asking, "So, Princess, what is it that you wanted to bring us here for? You come up with some fancy new spell to help us protect these here Elements?" She held her necklace up with her hoof to clarify.

"Actually, I brought you here because of Mork," Celestia explained, glancing over at the creature her guard had placed onto a cerulean couch set up near the massive telescope.

"Aha!" Pinkie exclaimed, popping up behind the sofa. "So Mork was a really powerful unicorn all along! I should have known." She eyed him suspiciously, poking the top of his forehead where his horn was supposed to be.

"Pinkie, that don’t make two licks a sense," Applejack argued with a shake of the head as Fluttershy quietly urged Pinkie to stop poking the unconscious creature.

Pinkie pondered Applejack’s statement before licking Mork’s hair twice and smacking her lips together to get the taste. Then, she smiled and replied, "I guess you’re right, Applejack. Mork can’t be a unicorn. If he was, Rarity would be all over him."

"Beg pardon?" Rarity asked, hearing her name mentioned while she admired the large, decorative sphere hanging from the ceiling.

Celestia concurred as she approached the couch herself, "No, he’s not a unicorn, but he is helping us with a very important spell here at Twinklespark."

"Oh!" Fluttershy exclaimed as she eagerly ran up to the alicorn. "Does that mean you know what Mork is and where he came from?"

The princess smiled at Fluttershy’s eagerness. "Actually, that-"

"Would you look at this thing?" Pinkie asked while standing at the very top of the gigantic telescope. "This is the biggest magnifying glass I’ve ever seen! I bet I could see the spots on Mr. Cake’s muzzle from here!" Pinkie looked through the lens at the top of the telescope, finding it odd at how small and upside-down everything inside it looked.

"Pinkie, get down from there this instant!" Rarity shouted. "You’re getting mud all over the princess’s nice telescope!"

"Huh?" Pinkie asked as she looked back up, turning around and flicking off more mud from her mane in the process.

"Would you just get down from there?" Rarity urged. "You’re behaving most disrespectfully, and in front of the princess no less."

"Okey dokey," Pinkie agreed, disappearing behind the telescope and reappearing right next to Rarity to give her an affectionately muddy hug in an attempt to lighten her sour mood. Rarity’s hair uncurled for a second as she stifled her reaction to the filthy embrace as best as she was able.

"As you were saying, Princess?" the now-slightly muddy unicorn uttered behind a failing smile.

"Yes, of course. I wanted to start by introducing you all to a good friend of mine. He’s one of my most trusted magical researchers and is currently the head overseer of affairs here at Twinklespark. His name is--"

Before Celestia could finish, one of the many orbs of light hovering around the room began glowing much brighter than the others. As the six mares looked up to notice its shine, an opulent, purple bubble was suddenly ejected straight out if it, crashing into the ground. After colliding with the grassy floor, the bubble popped to reveal a wrinkled, white unicorn who wasn’t quite able to stick the landing.

"Always trying to make an entrance, aren’t you, Shooting?" the princess joked as the elderly unicorn dusted himself off from his rough arrival. He wore a large, pointy hat as gray as his mane, which was tilted in a way so that his horn was still visible; his coat matched Celestia’s in shade, though it seemed to be slightly dirtier; and he appeared quite nimble for his age considering the recovery from his gravity-assisted entrance.

What was most unusual about him, though, was how much hair he possessed. He had so much facial hair that none of his face was even visible, his mane covered his body to the point where his cutie mark couldn’t even be seen, and his tail looked long enough for him to trip over and let it catch his fall.

"It’s nice to see you too, Princess," he pleasantly replied in a creaky voice that truly showed his age. He turned to face the five mares standing on the other side of the telescope. "Now then, you must be the protectors of the Elements of Harmony. It’s a pleasure to meet you. Princess Celestia has told me quite a bit about you, especially you, Twilight Sparkle."

"She...she has?" Twilight asked, her tongue finally remembering how to move again.

"Of course," Shooting replied with a suspicious snicker, his teeth suddenly gleaming through his beard, "That is why she’s brought you here so I can gauge your true potential in a magical duel!"

"Say what now?" Applejack asked, almost as surprised at the sudden change in the stallion’s temperament as she was of his bold declaration.

Shooting’s horn lit up with a distinctly black hue as his smile distorted into a sinister grin. "The rest of you are not to interfere. You have been brought merely to observe. This is simply a test of raw magical ability." Shooting released a stream of magic around himself, causing him to grow three times his normal size. He peered down at Twilight, his eyes concealed by his beard and his toothy grin still shining through it.

"But don’t be so foolish as to think you have a chance, Twilight Sparkle," he boasted, his voice echoing throughout the tent. "I am Shooting Star, master of Twinklespark and author of more spells than you could possibly imagine! The power I possess is without limit!" His horn lit up again, causing the star-like objects scattered throughout the room to orbit around him as his wicked smile reached its apex.

Twilight took a step backwards from the display, her eyes wide with terror. She had never heard of a powerful unicorn named Shooting Star, but if he was the one in charge of the essential birthplace of magic in Equestria, she couldn’t see how she was supposed successfully duel against him. To face a unicorn with that much prestige was beyond her current abilities, and she hadn’t even had any time to prepare. She unconsciously looked to her princess for some reassurance, but Celestia had closed her eyes and was looking away.

"So then, Twilight Sparkle," Shooting bellowed, taking an aggressive step forward that knocked Twilight on her haunches, "now that you know what you’re up against, do you accept my challenge?"

Twilight rapidly glanced between the colossal unicorn and her friends. "Can...can I take a rain check?" she nervously inquired with a forced smile.

Shooting dropped his smile and the orbital path of the stars around him came to a halt. After a brief moment of silence, he spiraled into an uproar of laughter that seemed to shake the entire hill around them. However, his laughter wasn’t malicious. It was more like the laughter of a young colt after seeing a circus clown spray itself with seltzer.

"Princess Celestia," he bombastically wheezed between chuckles, "where do you keep finding these students of yours?"

"You’re one to talk, Shooting," Celestia replied, glancing back up with a smile on her face. "You used to write me letters with nothing but the word ‘hi’ written on them just so I’d have to write you back."

Shooting shook his oversized head. "Well, it would have kept working if you didn’t start responding with ‘hello’."

Celestia let out a chuckle of her own. "All right, Shooting, I let you have your fun. Now, why don’t you tell them why we really brought them here?"

"You’re the princess," he replied, casting a black swirl of magic around himself. After his aura consumed him, he suddenly exploded, causing a shockwave of small, colorful candy to fly in all directions. About half a second after he exploded, he popped out from behind the telescope. "Hope I didn’t scare you too much with my challenge, Twilight Sparkle. I never get to show anypony my powers these days. It’s all just work; there’s never any time for fun."

"No fun?" Pinkie exclaimed with a mouth full of candy. "You can explode into candy! What’s not fun about that?"

"It’s work candy." Shooting picked up a piece off the ground with his magic. "I have to fill out three forms if I want to eat it."

Pinkie looked at it with a bit of pity in her eyes as she continued chewing. "It still tastes good, though."

"I apologize, Twilight," Celestia stated as Twilight got back onto her hooves. "When I told Shooting I wanted to bring you all here, he said he play with you a little when you first met. I said it would be fine as long as he didn’t overdo it." She glared at him as a mother would to a disobedient child, trying to hold back her smile.

Upon hearing the princess’s apology, any anger Twilight might have been feeling towards the master of facial hair was quashed. "I understand, Princess Celestia," she said with a smile. "I know how boys can be. I was just worried my position as your student might have been in jeopardy or something."

"That couldn’t be further from the truth, Twilight," Celestia assured. "If it was, I never would have brought you to Twinklespark. As I said, it’s the most well-kept secret in all of Equestria. Not even my sister knows about it."

"R-really? Not even Princess Luna has been here?" Twilight replied, a bit awestruck. Her tongue tensed up again as a slight blush appeared on her face. She had to turn away only to catch sight of the unconscious guest, her mind grabbing hold of her tongue before it froze again. "But wait, then why did you let him in here?"

Shooting’s eyebrows shot up on his otherwise hair-concealed face as he caught sight of the couch himself. "Is that it?" he asked the princess excitedly, who pleasantly nodded in response.

As if she had just informed him that Mork was his long-lost grandson, Shooting immediately teleported over to the couch and continued teleporting in order to examine the creature from every angle with an almost childish zeal. "What’s his name?" he asked excitedly. "Somepony tell me his name!"

"His name’s Mork," Fluttershy eagerly replied, looking the animal over once again for signs of regained consciousness.

Shooting leaned over the couch to stare down the group of mares. "What can you tell me about him? Anything interesting? Tell me he’s interesting!"

"His head’s full of ice cream and soda!"

"His gait is surprisingly fickle."

"He ain’t the slowest critter I ever seen."

"He alphabetizes fabric by color!"

Shooting stared at them blankly for a moment. "I knew it!" he exclaimed as his horn lit up to make a camera appear. He teleported erratically around the couch again, snapping pictures of Mork like a madpony.

As the sporadic photo session continued, Applejack had to mumble to Rarity, "Is it me or is this guy really excited about this Mork critter?"

"Why wouldn’t I be?" Shooting shouted as he appeared right behind the two, making them both jump. "This is the result of hundreds of years of research." He grabbed hold of Rarity, squeezing her face in his hooves as he prattled, "This is Equestrian history unfolding right before our very eyes."

"Research? What kind of research?" Twilight asked, her scientific curiosity getting the better of her.

"Perhaps you should explain it to them from the beginning, Shooting," Celestia suggested.

Shooting nodded. "Right, right, let me start with this." His horn lit up and pulled one of the star-like objects within reach. "Can anypony tell me what this thing is?" he asked, placing his hoof over top of it.

"Is it more candy?" Pinkie asked after a large swallow. "Because we just ran out."

"Well, considering the way you just flew right out of it, I’d say it’s some kind of portal," Twilight deduced, giving the orb of light a quick once-over.

"Very good, Twilight; it is indeed some kind of portal, but it’s a bit different than the kind you may be used to seeing. Would you care to see for yourself?"

Pinkie’s eyes sparkled. "Oh, I would! I would care! Let me see!" She bounced over Twilight, getting within an inch of the light in front of her.

"All right, Springy, put this on." Shooting shoved a large, glass bowl on top of Pinkie’s head, then motioned her to take a look inside the shining ball of light.

Pinkie shoved her head inside, leaving only her body visible to the rest of them. Her voice echoed from within the orb as she said, "Wow, this even better than candy! Look at all the colors! All two of them! Ooh! Is that the ocean I hear?" She made a hissing noise with her mouth, sounding like a insistently shushing librarian.

"Pinkie, what’s going on in there?" Rarity asked with unrelenting curiosity seeping through her words.

Pinkie stuck her head back out to respond "The black and white bugs won’t stop fighting each other, and the snakes are all playing hide and seek."

"What?" Twilight asked, approaching the light to take a peek herself. Shooting shoved another fishbowl on her head as she leaned forward to look inside. Oddly enough, the way Pinkie described it made more sense than what she actually saw.

It was an entirely open space, stretching out as far as she could see, much like how Twinklespark Hill looked at first. However, this open space was much different. Everywhere she looked, all she could see was a collection of black and white dots jittering around with no discernible movement pattern. In addition to that, a loud, reverberating ocean-like noise was coming from apparently everywhere at once. It was the most bizarre sight she’d ever witnessed, and she quickly pulled away from the light in utter silence as she tried to fathom what in the name of meaning it was.

"Most ponies gasp," Shooting stated as he released the orb, letting it float back to its position above them. "You can gasp if you want."

Hearing a gasp, Twilight and Shooting looked over to the couch to see Rarity noticing Mork starting to drool on the linen upholstery. The white mare noticed she was being noticed and gave a sheepish apology to save face.

"You see," Shooting continued, "these aren’t the ho-hum everyday portals we make to instantaneously get from the bakery to the driving range." He brought another ball of light down with his magic. "These are portals to other worlds."

"Other worlds?" Twilight repeated both out of intrigue and disbelief. "You mean like other planets?"

Shooting grimaced. "Other planets? You mean space travel? No, no, no, you’re talking about flying through an empty bunch of nothing at millions of miles per second to get to some stupid, empty rocks floating in darkness. We looked into that here one weekend. We put Equestrian flags in every corner of the solar system, documented every star that a pony could wish upon, and we even found the point where space ends and time begins, but all we managed to learn was how boring our universe really is."

"We?" Rarity asked as she rejected Pinkie’s offer to wear the fishbowl next.

"My colleagues and I," Shooting said. "They’re usually scattered all over this tent working on their various projects, but they get the day off today in celebration of our recent breakthrough." He glanced over at the princess who returned a closed-eyed apologetic smile in response.

"All right, I suppose I better see what all the fuss is about," Applejack said as she placed Pinkie’s bowl on her head to take a peek into the second orb Shooting had brought down. It wasn’t two seconds before she jerked her head back out with nothing but alarm on her face. "What in the hay kind of world is that supposed to be?"

Shooting smiled again. "Actually, what you're seeing is not the other world I’m referring to. What you’re looking at is the hallway we take to get there."

"What do you mean?" Twilight asked, taking a look in the second portal to find it was the same as the first.

"Think of it like this: imagine we live in a house next to another house, but neither house has any windows, doors, or even a chimney. So we can’t get into the other house even if we could get out of ours. How do we get between the houses?"

"Get a better real estate agent?" Pinkie suggested.

"No need. Windows and doors just overcomplicate life. All we need to do is dig a tunnel between the two houses. Then we’ll have complete access between both whenever we want. That’s where these little beauties come in." Shooting affectionately patted the ball of light as Fluttershy finished looking inside. "These are the ‘tunnels’ we’re making into other worlds. They’re called twinkles, and they happen to be the product of the spell that founded Twinklespark over eight hundred years ago."

"That’s amazing! How do they work? How do you make them?" Twilight zealously inquired as she walked around the glowing sphere.

"I can answer that. It’ll take three months," Shooting replied with a bit of humor in his voice as Twilight’s eyes drooped in annoyance. "Here’s the basic idea: each of these twinkles is a different gateway into that tunnel of black and white dots you just saw, and at the other side of each of these tunnels is a bold, exciting new world full of new life for us to study and explore."

"At least, that’s what we believed to be true," Celestia added as she stepped into the discussion.

"Huh?" Twilight asked, momentarily distracted from staring at the glowing ball of light.

"I think Mork here’s proof enough to confirm that theory, Princess," Shooting responded a bit arrogantly.

Celestia rolled her eyes at the stallion’s tone. "Very well, Shooting. You win the bet. You’ll get your milkshake later. Now how about telling them the rest of the story?"

Shooting grabbed the twinkle with his magic and brought it right next to him. "You see, the space inside these twinkles is completely uninhabitable. They lack air, heat, food, and any form of existing life. You’d have better luck surviving in an active volcano while it’s erupting than you would in here."

"Is that why we have to wear these bowls to look inside it?" Twilight asked as she took the one she was wearing off her head.

"That’s right. We’ve been able to use magic to find a number of ways to get inside them, but the other problem we’ve had has proven to be a bit more troublesome."

"Is it the noise?" Fluttershy guessed.

"The monotony?" Rarity asked.

"The lack of board games?" Pinkie said.

"The length!" Shooting energetically replied, hopping a bit into the air as if to emphasize his statement. "The tunnel’s too long! I’m talking waiting-in-line-at-the-amusement-park-on-a-Saturday long." He summoned a chalkboard with his magic, which featured a bunch of numbers and symbols scrawled across it. "Based on our calculations, we found that even writing this random assortment of equations didn’t help us figure out how long it would take even a Wonderbolt to cross it."

"Hang on a second," Applejack piped up. "If y’all can’t get across the thing, howd’ya know there’s something on the other side?"

"Actually, we didn’t," Celestia stated, prompting a collective ‘huh’ from her audience of five.

Shooting bothered to explain, "The twinkle was the most ridiculous thing ever invented. Even though it was the spell that founded this place, no one knew what to do with it. Most just thought it was a blank, meaningless space with no inherent value, so the twinkles were merely used as decorations. That is, until my grandfather, Rising Star, got involved with it about a century ago."

Celestia stepped forward to continue, "Rising believed that the space within each and every twinkle was like an ocean, and at the other side of each one was a new world that would be able to show us more than we could possibly imagine. Many called him crazy for being so devoted to a world with nothing in it, but he would tell them--"

"Wait, Princess, let me say it!" Shooting interrupted before the princess could say anything else.

"All right, Shooting, go ahead," the princess amiably replied, giving him a nod to proceed.

Deepening his pitch to impersonate his grandfather’s voice, Shooting quoted, "Ask any common pony you can find what’s at the top of this hill, and what do you think they’ll tell you? The ponies of Twinklespark are tasked to discover what the common pony cannot, and yet you choose to fall for the same trick they do? If you lot want to change reality, you have to overcome how you perceive it."

"I swear you sound more like him every time you say it," Celestia said before Shooting continued with his story.

"My grandfather spent his entire life trying to come up with a way to traverse that foreboding emptiness and prove his ‘ocean theory.’ He had an almost obsessive fascination with it. He invented a magical bubble that would allow him to roam freely throughout the space despite its unfavorable living conditions, he sent hundreds of bottled messages through each twinkle to see if he could make contact with the other side, and he even tried to gather some samples of those creepy black and white dots. However, he never seemed to be able to get anywhere with any of his tactics. The bubble was much too slow to surpass the tunnel’s great distance, none of his messages ever gave us one response, and the dots would dissolve before he could even put them in the jar.

"He was a great mind trying to overcome a seemingly unsolvable mystery," Celestia somberly said. "It was like he was trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle with a missing piece."

Shooting shook his head. "I’d say it was more like he was trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle with a missing jigsaw puzzle."

"Nevertheless, it was a challenge that Rising took head-on, and, before he passed, he finally came up with a spell that he was convinced would finally allow us to find that missing piece." Celestia nodded to Shooting who lit up his horn and sent a beam of black energy into the ground.

A puddle of nearly-transparent goop began to bubble up out of the grass before it expanded and hovered in midair. The five mares gazed at it, each bearing a different expression that ranged from fascination to disgust.

"This is smooze, my grandfather’s opus magnum and one of the most innovative magical inventions in the history of Twinklespark." Shooting created a few spotlights to shine down on it as he proudly stood beside it.

"Smooze?" Rarity repeated unsurely.

"Why’d ya name it that?" Applejack asked, giving him a quizzical look.

"Look at it. What would you name it?" Shooting challenged.

Applejack took another look at the floating glob. "Smooze," she replied, her tone and expression flat.

"So what is this ‘smooze’?" Twilight asked, giving the substance a quick once-over.

Celestia chuckled softly and smiled. "Don't you see, Twilight?" she asked, prompting her student to perplexedly shake her head. "This is what brought Mork here."

"It...brought Mork here?" Fluttershy asked curiously.

"You mean this thing managed to get through that tunnel?" Twilight asked. "How? It looks pretty sedentary to me."

"I told you looks can be deceiving, Twilight," Celestia said. "Smooze may not look like much, but I believe Rainbow Dash herself would have to strain herself to keep up with it once it hits top speed."

"It’s also got an appetite that could rival Inkie here," Shooting added, rubbing Pinkie’s mane as she chomped down on a pretzel.

"Sheesh, the way you’re talking about it, you’d think the thing’s a living, breathing critter," Applejack joked, causing Celestia and Shooting to look at each other and snicker.

"What’s so funny?" Twilight prompted, turning away from the smooze for a moment.

Celestia stopped laughing first to respond, "Girls, smooze is a living, breathing creature, and quite a unique one at that."

"It’s...alive?" Twilight asked, taken aback at the prospect of the notion. "But, how is that possible? You just created it right in front of us!"

"That’s what makes smooze such a miraculous innovation. It’s a magically created form of life. It may not be as complex as we are, but it’s not the dimmest bulb in the basement. Watch." Shooting turned towards the floating goo. "Smooze, bring me my pogo stick."

As Shooting finished his command, the mass of gunk jerked itself forward, almost instantaneously appearing by the far wall where a shiny, red pogo stick was lying against it. Upon making contact with the pogo stick, the goo engulfed it, warped back to the black-hatted stallion, and spit it out right at his hooves.

"Now, tell me that isn’t cool," he said, picking up his children's toy.

"Ooh! Me next! Me next!" Pinkie exclaimed as she bounced up to the hovering liquid. "Smooze, bring me seven cakes, three pies, and a mountain of frosting to cover them in!"

The goo held firm, merely wavering in place as a response.

Pinkie’s eyebrows furrowed. "Hey! Where’s my mountain, Shooty?"

"Smooze follows the same laws as any other intelligent creature," Shooting replied. "It can only do things it knows how to do. It doesn’t know where to get a mountain of frosting, so it ignores you."

"What a fascinating creature," Twilight stated, admiring the simplicity of the being’s design. "There’s so many questions I have to ask about it! I don’t even know where to start."

"I’ve got one," Fluttershy stated, her eyes cold and unforgiving. "What do you mean you used it to bring Mork here?"

Shooting looked to Celestia, who nodded in response before he explained, "Well, it’s pretty simple. We picked a random twinkle and told the smooze to go through it to see if there was anything on the other side. On the off chance it found something, we told it to just hover in one place until something made contact with it."

"I don’t follow. Why’d you tell it do that?" Twilight stated, a bit confused at the prospect.

"Have you ever been fishing, Twilight?" Shooting asked suddenly.

"Not personally," Twilight admitted, "but I’ve read quite a few books on the subject."

"So you can understand this general concept: It’s more effective to keep your fishing hook in one place than it is to move it around."

Realizing what he was implying, Fluttershy’s developing anger reached its boiling point. She gasped before shoving her nose right up against Shooting’s as she reprovingly asked, "You mean you grabbed Mork out of his home and dragged him here against his will? How dare you!"

Shooting nervously took a step backwards from the fuming pegasus. "D-don’t look at me. Princess Celestia was the one who approved it."

Fluttershy’s gaze shifted to Celestia, her anger fading into disappointment. "Princess, is this true?"

Celestia’s eyes were now shut, and she waited a few seconds before very solemnly replying, "The Star family has been at my side since the day I was forced to banish my sister to the moon. They’ve assisted my rule both in Canterlot and here at Twinklespark with an immeasurable amount of dedication. Rising Star believed in his dream of discovering what lay beyond that impassable tunnel so passionately that I couldn’t bear to see his efforts be in vain. Before he passed, I gave him my word that the mystery of the twinkle would be solved, even if he wasn’t there to see it come to pass. When he invented smooze all those years ago and told me his idea to make contact with another world, I agreed, provided that three conditions were met."

Shooting straightened his hat that Fluttershy had slightly tilted. "Her first condition was that the smooze wouldn’t just grab something against its will, so ha!" he childishly shouted to Fluttershy.

"To meet this condition," Celestia explained, "we used a variation of the spell that you placed on the Elements of Harmony, Twilight. The smooze would only become visible to something that made contact with it, and we instructed the smooze to only grab something that willingly touched it"

"The second condition was that the safety of our world wasn’t at risk," Shooting said. "I wanted to help realize my grandfather’s dream, but I also wanted to avoid summoning a 300-ton rat-lizard that would swallow our planet before we could come up with what to name it."

"This condition was a bit trickier to meet, but eventually Rising came up with something. He called it the Test of Harmony spell."

"I know that spell!" Twilight declared. "It’s a special barrier that determines if something’s compatible with the Elements of Harmony. If they are, it’ll turn purple and let them pass. Otherwise, it’ll just forcibly repel them. I cast it on an old disco ball in the library to make a forcefield to help protect the Elements."

"Very resourceful of you, Twilight Sparkle," Shooting complimented as Pinkie sighed and shook her head. "It looks like great minds do indeed think alike." He looked up, admiring the glowing sphere hanging from the ceiling above them.

"Is that why you're so sure Mork isn’t evil, Princess?" Twilight asked as she glanced over at him again.

"That’s correct, Twilight. If Mork was indeed a malicious creature that came here to steal the Elements, the smooze would never have brought him here."

Twilight stared at Mork for a moment as his arm slid off the couch and hung down close to the floor. "So, I guess Mork really couldn’t have been the one who wrote that letter."

"Not unless he had a very noble reason for doing so," Celestia reasoned.

Sounding a bit hurried, Shooting interrupted, "Well, I guess that takes care of the explanation stuff, so why don’t we take Mork back to Ponyville and introduce him to the-"

"Shooting?" Celestia interrupted. "The third condition?"

Shooting’s head dropped toward the ground. "I see there’s no point trying to get you to forget about that one."

"What’s the third condition?" Twilight asked.

The bearded one was sulking now, so Celestia explained for him, "Even if the creature came here willingly, I wanted to make it wasn’t being held here against its will. So, we’re going to let Mork go back home if he wishes."

Fluttershy’s eyes went wide as her ears fell flat. "Oh, that...that’s great," she quietly cheered, putting up her best smile. "Will...will we ever see him again?"

"No," Shooting bluntly replied.

"Shooting," Celestia harshly chided. "That’s not true. If Mork chooses to go back now, the smooze will go back with him, and he’ll be able to use it to come back anytime he wants."

"That may be," Shooting retorted, "but if he chooses to go back right now, why would he ever decide to come back?"

"I…I guess he wouldn’t," Fluttershy sadly consented.

"That’s no fun!" Pinkie complained. "We never even got to play one round of mini-golf! Where am I going to find somepony else to ride on the windmill blades with me now?"

"Yes, yes, it’s a shame he has to leave so soon," Rarity expressed as she comforted Fluttershy with a sorrowful disposition. "Well, all good things must come to an end I suppose."

"Don’t worry, girls," Shooting interjected, perking up a bit as he teleported right beside them. "I can promise you, there’s absolutely no way he’ll decide to leave. That’s why I made the walls so colorful and drew up all these twinkles as decoration. If Mork’s got even the slightest bit of childlike wonder, he won’t be going anywhere."

As if responding to his name, Mork stirred from his sleeping position, rubbing his head and groaning softly.

Everyone turned to see Mork slowly get up from his long-enduring slumber and open his large, questioning eyes as he inquiringly turned to see what was going on.

You know how wind-up toys work? You spin the key on their back, set them on solid ground, and then they walk two steps before they fall over and lead into the depressing silence. After they fall, they keep moving their feet as if there’s still a chance in reality that they can make it to the other end of the table, but it really just makes the sight all the more pitiful to watch.

You set the thing back up so it can try again, letting your childlike sense of wonder make you believe that it’ll finally take that third step and keep going on all the way into outer space, but then it just falls over again despite how long you twisted the key. Eventually, you realize that the only way you can get it across that table is to manually hold it steady and move its feet for it until it finally reaches the other side. By that point, you’re not playing with a wind-up toy anymore; you’re performing manual labor to accomplish something that isn’t even all that fun to begin with. You could be fixing a lamp and get the same amount of entertainment value. At least then you have the constantly looming chance of electrocution keeping you on edge. Oh, I’m not actually going anywhere with this thought. I just wanted to change the topic to distract myself from the colossal wind-up toy this adventure had become.

When the prestigious Princess Celestia ordered me to join her on her sporadic seven-mile hike across her kingdom, I knew I couldn’t refuse. The power of the crown was absolute, and the one wearing it always got what she wanted whether it be eternal youth or your head.

Given what I knew about supernatural encounters, I imagined that she would take me to her castle to taunt my ineptitude and meager probability of defeating her before possibly making me face her three-headed pet rock golem in an unwinnable battle. After that, she’d probably cast me out into the wilderness somewhere with my inventory stripped and my life a shallow breath away from reaching its end, and I could just wing it from there.

Instead, she made that big blue tent appear out of nothing and got all superlative with the magic talk. Next thing I knew, I was on a couch in a room filled with color-changing walls, ethereal BGM, giant floating balls of light, and empathetic-looking horses. If all that didn’t spell ‘magic’, then the word had to have a ton of silent letters.

After establishing my surroundings, it wasn’t three seconds after I jerked myself upright on that couch that my attention was stolen away by something familiar, floating, and gooey.

I slid off the couch and crawled over to it, paying no mind to the dozen eyes watching as I did so. I almost believed it to be a magically-created mirage. However, once I got close enough to it, I knew that it had to be what I thought it was. The floating goo that had brought me here all those hours ago had made its dramatic return.

You know, Goo, I would have expected this from a secret, glowing door or maybe an owl with a postal agenda, but I thought we’d formed something close enough to a friendship to the point where you wouldn’t pull something like this. Obviously not, considering you plunged me into a fanciful world full of magic and wizardry that I couldn’t hope to find if I stayed back home. You’ve got to be the lowest form of scum there is.

As I got within striking distance of the thing, the only horse I hadn’t seen before stepped in between us to introduce himself. He grabbed my left hand and started feverishly shaking it, claiming his name was Shooting Star. He was trying his hardest to hold back his excitement, but his smile was clearly visible even through that thick, gray beard that made up his face. His intro theme was composed almost entirely of synthetic instruments, giving it something of an alien feel and making it one of the best I’d heard yet.

I should stop by the sound test to hear some of these again later. They could make some nice jogging music in the summer.

His pointy, gray wizard’s hat prevented me from wasting any time wondering what his views towards magic were, but I couldn't get a single ‘mork’ in before he chucked a stream of questions at me so rapidly that an auctioneer would have told him to slow down. My sleeping habits, my opinions on cheese, my favorite fictional character, my world’s record for longest time someone had the hiccups, he wanted to know everything and more. Eventually, the authoritative monarch managed to stop his question assault by telling him that all I could say was ‘mork’.

"Ah, so we’ve got a language barrier, huh? No problem. I made sure to be prepared for anything. Just leave it to me." He cracked his neck, and a faint, black aura emerged from his white horn, forcing me to take a step backward.

Don’t tell me. Is he about to cast a spell on me? What am I talking about? I’m in the magical headquarters of magic land. He probably cast about seven of them on me while I was out. No, that can’t be true. If he did that, I’d be wondering why water doesn’t sue rain for copyright infringement. Maybe if I can just stay nimble and avoid whatever comes out of that horn, I can still--

That was my last thought before he shot me dead center with a solid blast of unfiltered magic. It seemed my intelligence wasn’t as valuable as I believed if the concept of moving out of the way was really that difficult to grasp.

Soon enough, the magic stream stopped, and I got my first ever taste of its invasive, tingling sensation that resonated throughout my entire body. It felt even stranger than the rumors made it out to be. It was like hitting your funny bone while your arm was asleep. It was like being sticky on the inside while listening to Fluttershy talk. It was like getting tickled underwater while the BGM was really jazzy. It wasn’t really that bad. It was just plain weird.

As I suffered through the shame and disappointment of the last few seconds before the stupidity kicked in, my mind decided to jump to the topic of psychology of all things. I figured it was fitting that my last intelligent thought related to what used to be my sole intellectual pursuit.

Lowering my head as my eyes pinched shut, I prepared for the worst as I felt myself slowly forgetting everything I knew about the placebo effect and post-hypnotic suggestion. Before long, it was all gone and I was an idiot.

Except I wasn’t. I continued to stand there, waiting for the magic to take its despicable effect. I figured any second now I’d start thinking that talking animals were funny and that taunting people before actually winning was a good idea, but nothing seemed to change. Even my narration wasn’t taking a hit, my vocabulary still sounding as pretentious and ostentatious as ever.

Was that not magic? No, that was definitely magic. No other substance could possibly tingle like that. What’s going on then? Why aren’t I stupid?

I reopened my eyes and looked to Mr. Star to see if he had somehow made a mistake or error with his spell, but he was just looking at me expectantly with that grin still shining through his beard. The others were looking to me with anticipation as well. Not knowing what to say, I said the only word I knew that was socially acceptable.

"Mork."

Mr. Star’s eyebrows fell and his smile scampered off into its hairy abode. "Not prepared enough it seems," he muttered as he gloomily turned away.

"D-don’t feel bad, Shooting," Twolight said. "Maybe Mork’s language is too advanced for a translation spell. Maybe we just have to find some other way to learn it."

Mr. Star’s beard started swirling around in a circle. "Now there’s an idea! I’m going to get right to work on that!" His horn lit up again, and he disappeared right before my eyes, taking his electronic theme along with him.

"Uh, how exactly is he supposed to learn a language that’s made up of one word?" The orange one I’d name later asked, looking to the princess for the answer.

"He’ll find a way," Celestia responded as if what was said was somehow funny. "Shooting is almost more passionate about the smooze project than Rising was. He wanted so much to believe in what his grandfather said about the world beyond ours. I know he might seem a bit eccentric, but realizing his grandfather’s dream and finding something special about Mork means more to him than anything else."

Sense? Where did you go? Why’d you stop being made?

Celestia turned to me after she finished her obstructive explanation. "Now then, Mork, I apologize if we’ve caused you any inconvenience by bringing you here. I assure you we only wanted the best for both of our worlds. So, allow me to rectify the situation. If you wish to go home now, by all means, go ahead. I promise that I will do nothing in my power to stop you." She stepped out of the way of the goo and motioned toward it with her hoof.

Her words and actions caught me completely off-guard. After hesitantly moving within inches of the goo to make sure it wasn't a trick, I stared into the wavering whiteness of the glob and considered her proposal.

The majority of the world seemed maddeningly boring, and the parts that weren’t were infested with magic. Plus, since it was somehow still Monday, I could get back home and only have about seven hours of homework to catch up on.

Also on the pro side, I'd be done with magic forever as long as I avoided those weird enchanted forests bordering my campus, Rook would only have had time to come up with about six new favors I owed him, and I could escape from these screwy multicolored walls before the vertigo kicked in. It sounded like going home was the automatic choice, but there was something in the back of my mind that made me hesitate.

Why wasn’t I affected by that spell? It doesn’t matter what the spell is; all magic is equal in its stupidity-inducing ability. Even spells designed to make you smarter make you dumb. How’s that for a design flaw? None of this adds up. Am I just immune to magic? Is that even possible? What could cause something like that? I can’t think of anything that would...hang on a second.

I raised my right hand up to my face to check for something, and what I found was almost too informative.

My hand was still shiny.

And so was my other hand.

So was my arm.

So was my shirt, so were my legs, so was the floor, so were all six of the magical horses, and so was everything else I could see. The entire world around me was shiny, which technically made my hands look normal again.

I see. Goo, you sly puddle. You coated me with some kind of anti-magical glaze when you ate me, didn't you?

Granted, it's not a perfect defense since I still felt the tingling from that earlier spell, but it seems that, at the very least, magic can't get through to my brain. That must be why these other magic users still possess some degree of intelligence. That’s also probably why they use magic so freely. They've got this glaze to protect them. I’m in a world where magic can’t make you dumb.

Of course, that doesn’t excuse the countless other reasons that make magic so disgusting, but it does change the situation quite a bit. If I’m immune to magic in here, then leaving would be insane. There’s no way I can pass up this adventure now, especially with Princess Pridemonger here practically shoving me out the door.

How pompous is this princess? I haven’t even reached my first save point yet, and she’s already asking me if I want to quit. Never mind the way she was bragging about all the power she had to stop me from leaving if she wanted. I’ll bet she thinks this adventure is too much for me. She thinks it’s too difficult for me to handle, so she’s trying to get me to turn back now. Sorry, Princess Celestia, but you don’t know who you’re talking to. I’ve been waiting almost a decade for this moment, and no amount of difficulty is going to get in my way. I’m now in the exact opposite situation I was in back home. Now if I don't walk away from the goo, the goo wins. Even worse, now magic wins. And, much like friendship, magic is something I cannot allow to triumph over me. I just can’t!

I spun right back around, tilted my head up to look the matriarchal egotist straight in the eye, and barked a firm, defiant ‘mork' at her, making sure to douse her with a little spittle.

"That...that means ‘no’," Fluttershy stammered, looking about as surprised as the rest of them as her mouth started to curl up into a smile.

"Mork wants to stay! Mork wants to stay! This is gonna be so much fun!!" Twilight cheered, her pink mane flopping as she began bouncing up and down.

You have no idea, Twilight. Then again, I guess I don’t either.

Twilight continued gleefully bouncing around as Twolight tried to calm her down. I noticed the white witch seemed less than thrilled about my decision while the orange one looked more like she didn’t even know what she was doing here.

"Well, it seems I owe Shooting another milkshake," Celestia mumbled to herself, blinking my genetic material out of her eye. "Mork, since you seem to have made your decision, allow me to officially welcome you to Equestria. I sincerely hope that the time you spend here results in something of a grand adventure for us all." She bowed as a sign of respect, so I did the same.

I’m glad to see there’s some tact working inside that overweight head of yours, Princess, and I accept your challenge. I’m ready for whatever challenges your ‘Equestria’ has to offer.

At that moment, my brain became electrified. As if the princess’s challenge was its alarm clock, visions of how my future adventure could potentially play out rapidly flashed through my mind faster than I could identify them. After managing to slow them down a bit, my plan began to form.

Here’s what I know: Adventures come in a number of different flavors. Some involve a lot of strategy, others are more action-based, while some just revolve around a lot of puzzle-solving. My dad used to tell me how they used to be all about surviving until you lose, the purpose being to see how high of a score you could get. Now, they generally have linear storylines and the potential to actually win.

From what I’ve seen of this adventure thus far, I believe I’ll need to get to work on gaining experience, learning the system of combat, searching for any glitches to exploit, and, most importantly, finding some allies to join my adventuring group. With magic ruling over the land and its inhabitants, that might prove particularly difficult.

I wonder if Celestia is the true final boss or if there’s someone pulling her strings. Rook once told me that beating them usually requires collecting six or seven special artifacts hidden in key dungeons around the world. I could probably check the library for information on something like that.

This is crazy. The excitement of this adventure is even making libraries interesting again. Now I remember why I wanted this so much when I was ten. The intensity of the challenge and the limitless potential are unlike anything normal life can provide. I forgot what this feels like. It’s the feeling of a raw, unfiltered test of my abilities, and it’s mine to enjoy. This is going to be more fun than my club’s biweekly tennischess tournament. This wind-up toy just came to life, and it’s not falling over for any conceivable reason.

That was when my stomach reminded me how important food is.

"I think Mork’s hungry," Celestia noted after hearing the rumbling noises coming from the oddly-clothed creature.

Fluttershy’s ears skyrocketed as she dashed over to Mork’s side. "Oh, dear, I knew I was forgetting something. When was the last time you had any food?"

"What do you suppose he eats?" Twilight asked.

"You don’t think he eats...ponies, do you?" Rarity placed her umbrella hat over her muzzle in timidity.

"He doesn’t seem carnivorous," Twilight replied, opening Mork’s mouth to see his teeth. "Pinkie, you said you found ice cream inside his head?"

"And soda!" Pinkie smiled sweetly.

"That’s quite fascinating actually," Twilight said as she looked in Mork’s ear. "Do you think he was born with a food pouch in there or that it grew over time?"

Celestia chuckled. "You’re starting to sound like Shooting, Twilight."

Twilight stopped as she caught herself comparing Mork’s limb structure to her own, placing her hoof behind her head in embarrassment.

"If Mork’s got food in his noggin, why don’t he just eat something out of it?" Applejack asked, not even sure if what she was saying made any sense.

Mork tilted his head in response, then plunged his entire left glove into his left ear, digging around in it for a few seconds. He soon pulled his empty claw back out of his head, giving only a mork and a shrug as he did so.

"It’s okay, Mork. I’ve got something for ya," Pinkie said as she slammed a warm, untouched pie still in its tin right in front of him. "Try it."

Mork looked down at the pie, then back at Pinkie’s gleefully smiling face with a bit of curiosity. He stuck his thickest digit into the pie, scooping up a sphere of pink gunk out of it, looking it over for a brief moment, and popping it into his mouth as if to sample the taste.

"Do you like it, Mork?" Pinkie asked expectantly. "It’s my special, secret recipe for pinkie pie!"

Mork’s face twisted, his left pupil dilating as his right cheek puffed out. He promptly pulled his finger back out of his mouth, looking at the pink goop still resting on it like it was toxic. Then he shoved his finger back into the pie, replacing the small dot he took out and slid the dessert back toward Pinkie as if he hadn’t touched it.

"I don’t think he likes it," Twilight said, silently noting his preference of using his left claw over his right.

"Oh well, more for me," Pinkie optimistically said as she lifted the entire pie onto her tongue and swallowed it whole, causing Mork to wince.

"Well, he’s gotta like something sweet," Applejack said as she lifted her hat to reveal a shiny red apple underneath it. "And we don’t call our farm Sweet Apple Acres just ‘cause it sounds fancy." She walked up to Mork, apple in hoof, and offered the fruit to him with a welcoming grin across her face.

Mork’s eyes went wide. He looked at that apple with an unbelievable amount of focus before glancing at Applejack as if to verify it was okay.

Applejack didn’t really know how to respond. "It’s okay, little fella. It’s just an apple." She turned back to her friends to receive looks of confusion, and by the time she turned back around, all that was left on her hoof was a heavy amount of saliva. She glanced back at Mork to see him chomping away like the end was near.

Applejack was about to make a comment most likely involving the phrase "whoo-wee", but before she got a chance, Mork spiraled into the air, jumping up like an uncoiling spring and crashing through the tent’s ceiling, disappearing from sight.

"Well...I...did not anticipate that," Twilight said, looking up at the rip in the tent in confusion.

"Um...no, I can’t say I did either," Celestia said, also wondering about their guest’s sudden jumping skill.

After a few seconds had passed, Mork came plummeting back down through a second rip in the tent right next to the first. He was spinning wildly like a cyclone and drilled into the ground as he landed. Dirt went flying everywhere, causing the others to quickly back away from the unpredictable oddity. When the chaos finally stopped, there was a hole in the ground eight feet deep with several confused ponies looking down into it.

"What kind of world did you say he was from again, Princess?" Twilight asked with a bit of manic frenzy in her voice.

A silence filled the room as they awaited Celestia’s response. Though she seemed strangely speechless, she eventually replied, "Perhaps it would be for the best if Mork were to stay here for the time being. Shooting certainly has enough planned for him anyway."

Fluttershy stepped forward to protest, "We can’t just keep him here like some kind of research experiment. That’s no way to treat a guest."

Princess Celestia sighed. "I suppose you’re right, Fluttershy. However, I don’t think he’ll fit in very well in Canterlot. Do you think you could look after him until--?"

"I’ll do it!" Rarity exclaimed, flinging her hoof into the air as if to fling the mud still caked onto it.

"Are you kidding? You want to look after Mork?" Applejack asked incredulously.

"Of...of course!" Rarity responded, lowering her hoof back to the ground. "This poor creature is in a completely unfamiliar place, literally worlds away from his home, and I think a little hospitality is the least we can offer him."

"That’s quite generous of you, Rarity," Celestia acclaimed, taking another look at Twinklespark’s new abyss. "Are you sure you’re up for it, though? Mork might be something of a handful."

"With all due respect, Princess, I’m not just wearing this necklace because it matches my hat so well." She reached out to her left and gave Mork a large, excessive squeeze of affection. "I can promise you I’ll take marvelous care of him."

Fluttershy distraughtly turned back to into the darkness of the large pit underneath them. "Now we just have to figure out how to get Mork out of this hole."

"Mork?" the orange-haired animal asked, looking slightly uncomfortable about the pony embracing him.

Rarity’s smile went south as she pulled away from the creature she was hugging, then looked down into the eight-foot crater he was just in not five seconds ago. "But you were…how did you…?"

"Wow, nice one, Mork! Do another!" Pinkie applauded Mork’s little magic trick, the rest staring at him in confusion.

Twilight, in particular, was completely flabbergasted. She had been watching the hole the entire time, and she was sure Mork hadn’t jumped out of it. Yet, there he was, right next to Rarity as if he appeared out of thin air. There wasn't even a flash from him using any magic. It reminded her of something, something that made a spark of anger flare up deep within her.

However, the princess had just proven that they could trust Mork, so she shook off her suspicions and said, "He probably just jumped out while we weren’t looking. These walls must be messing with our eyes. Anyway, why don’t we take Mork back to Ponyville and work on getting him used to his new surroundings?"

"Actually, Twilight," Rarity stated hesitantly as she picked the dirt out of Mork’s hair, "would you mind if I took care of that myself? Mork seems to be rather...excitable, and it might be more calming for him if only one of us watched him for the time being."

"That works for me," Pinkie said. "I have to go meet with Filthy about my Cupcake-a-Thon! We have to discuss our advertising campaign."

"And I gotta pick up my sis’ from school," Applejack said. "We’re going kayaking tonight."

Fluttershy’s eyes went wide. "I told Angel I’d be gone for thirty minutes when I left the house this morning! How long has it been since nine?"

"Looks like about six hours," Applejack noted by the star-shaped clock on the vibrant wall.

Fluttershy squealed in terror. "We have to go back right now!"

A single hair sprung out from Twilight's mane. "But, we just started reconnecting. How are we supposed to strengthen our friendship enough by the time it comes?" Twilight asked, subconsciously keeping Mork out of the loop.

"Come on, Twi," Applejack chuckled. "You really think we can make our friendship any stronger than it already is?"

"Yeah, we’re the best of friends, Twilight," Pinkie said. "If we were any closer, we’d have the same brain. Then it’d be nearly impossible to throw any surprise parties for each other!"

"But, the princess said in her letter--"

"I wanted to make sure you weren’t neglecting your friends, Twilight," Celestia stated, stepping back into the discussion. "But it doesn’t seem to me that that’s not much of a problem anymore. Wouldn’t you agree?"

Twilight took another look at her friends. She had spent the better half of the morning looking for them, helping them chase Mork, and walking with them for a few hours to get to this hill. Plus, even though Rainbow Dash hadn’t come with them, she had certainly cared enough about her absence. If there’s one thing that she hadn’t done with her friends that day, it was neglect them.

"Well, I guess if my friends are fine with it." She took another look at the smiling faces of her companions for confirmation.

"Besides," Celestia said, glancing toward the telescope, "I was going to ask if you wanted to stay here for a while and maybe see some of the research we’ve been working on."

Twilight felt her voice crack. "You...you mean I can stay here and learn spells invented by the greatest minds in Equestrian history?"

"If it interests you," Celestia playfully responded with a teasing smile.

"Okay!" Twilight cheered as she sprung into the air, floating there for a moment in delight.

"Well, it sounds as though you’ve got the rest of your day planned out, Twilight," Rarity said. "Now, would you be a dear and send us back to Ponyville? I need to get Morky-Worky here settled in." She had finished clearing the dirt out of his hair and was now brushing it while shaking a can of hairspray with her magic.

"Of course, allow me." Twilight lit up her horn in preparation.

"Oh! Twilight! Can you send me straight to Filthy’s house?" Pinkie asked. "He seemed kind of stressed out this morning, so I want to give him a little surprise!"

"All right, Pinkie, just let me concentrate for a second and…"

Then, just as Twilight was about release the spell to send her friends home, Twilight caught something strange on Mork’s face. She only saw it for a split second, and it happened so quickly that she wasn’t even sure she saw correctly. If she did see it correctly, then she wasn’t even sure what to make of it.

It was bizarre, but she could have sworn she just saw Mork smirk. She thought that, for just a second, she saw a self-satisfied grin appear on his face that one would make after deceiving an entire group of ponies into believing he wasn’t deceiving them. Even though she wasn’t sure if she saw it correctly or not, it made that spark of anger flare up again, and she found it even more difficult to shake it off than before. Still, having no time to react, she released her beam of magic, sending her friends and their strange, new guest back to her town of residence.

"Is something the matter, Twilight?" Celestia asked after the spell had been completed.

"It’s nothing, Princess," Twilight replied. "I think I might have made a tiny mistake with the spell, though."

Silence began to overtake Twinklespark, but it was quickly interrupted as another flash of light went off.

Shooting Star appeared right between the princess and Twilight, standing on a pile of books that he flashed in with him. "All right! I think I’ve figured out how to speak Mork. Now all we have to do is--hey!" Shooting looked to the back of the tent, noticing something very different about it all of a sudden. He turned to the princess and frustratedly asked, "Who got mud on my telescope?"

Rainbow Dash felt like a new mare. She couldn’t remember the last time she had enjoyed herself so much. The hunger she had built up for flying after going an entire week and then some without it just made doing so all the more satisfying, and the fact that she technically wasn’t supposed to be out there only gave it an additional thrill. Now all she had left to do was get back to town and put her necklace back on before Twilight or the others found out. Or Twilight.

She followed the exact path that she had taken before, this time making it through without even so much as a wild Pinkie encounter. Once she made it past the schoolhouse without getting caught, she knew she was home free. She found the same spot under the cloud she was napping on that morning where two fillies were patiently waiting for her arrival.

"Hey, you two, hope you didn’t miss me too much," Rainbow said as she skidded to a perfect stop right in front of them, her eyes conceitedly shut.

"Oh…uh, hey, Rainbow Dash," Scootaloo greeted with an uncharacteristic lack of enthusiasm in Rainbow's presence.

Rainbow flexed her wings as she dusted herself off. "I told ya I’d be back in no time at all."

"You’ve been gone for six hours," Sweetie noted, trying to hide the annoyance in her voice.

Rainbow’s eyes snapped open in surprise. "Whoops, guess I musta lost track of time," she sheepishly replied. "Ah, that’s okay. As long as that bucket stayed put, it’s all good."

"Yeah, all good," Scootaloo responded with a chuckle of morbid unease.

"Anyway, sorry I made you wait so long. You did good, soldiers. I owe ya one." Rainbow gave Scootaloo an affectionate noogie and walked over to the rusty bucket lying beside her.

"You...owe...me?" Scootaloo asked, not sure if she was actually speaking the words or drooling them. She turned around to see Rainbow reaching for the bucket and yelped, "Rainbow Dash, wait! I’ve got something to tell you!"

"Sure thing, squirt. Just let me take care of--"

Rainbow stopped as she lifted the bucket into the air and saw what was underneath. More specifically, it was what wasn't underneath that she found concerning. She calmly set the bucket back in its previous position, then quickly jerked it back up again like she was attempting a second try at a failed magic trick. She turned back to the two fillies, her eyes gushing with terror, and she lunged toward them, practically knocking them over just through sheer intimidation.

"What did you do?" Rainbow asked almost desperately as she hovered a few inches off the ground in front of the nervous, young ponies.

"I...I had to go to school," Scootaloo stammered as she tried to explain, "so I brought it with me to make sure nothing knocked it over just like you said."

"And what happened?" Rainbow asked, steam almost visibly coming out of her ears.

"It got knocked over," Sweetie Belle answered, looking almost as ashamed as her friend.

Rainbow Dash collapsed onto the ground and threw her hoof over her face in exasperation. Then she sprung back onto her hooves with an extremely heightened sense of urgency. "Do you have any idea what you’ve done?"

"It can’t be that serious, can it? It was just a bucket," Sweetie remarked with blindingly innocent cynicism.

"It wasn’t the bucket that was important! It was the--" Rainbow stopped for a moment. "The fact that you let it get knocked over! How could you do that?"

"I’m really sorry, Rainbow Dash," Scootaloo said. "I made sure to be really careful with it, and I made extra super careful sure not to let anything knock it over. But this giant monkey thing in a cowboy hat came out of nowhere and kicked it when I wasn’t looking!"

"A monkey thing in a cowboy hat?" Rainbow asked, her eyebrow raised and her voice filled with sarcasm. "That’s the story you’re going with?"

"It’s true!" Sweetie said. "There was a monkey thing. It had big white hands and large black feet!"

"And eyes that were even bigger than that!" Scootaloo said, pulling on her eyelids for emphasis.

Sweetie got up on her hind legs. "It ran on two feet!"

Scootaloo jumped up on a nearby rock. "It was at least ten feet tall."

"Its head was harder than a flagpole!"

"It had lasers for teeth!"

"Its legs were made of taffy!"

"I think it ate Applejack!"

"Stop!" Rainbow exclaimed, stopping their onslaught of over-imaginative descriptions. "I don’t have time for your monkey thing! Just tell me where it knocked over the bucket."

"Right beside the school," the two said concurrently.

The second those words were uttered, Rainbow Dash took off back toward the schoolhouse as fast as her wings could flap.

"Rainbow Dash! Wait! Let me make it up to you!" Scootaloo called out as she jumped onto her scooter she had parked nearby, buzzed her wings, and chased after her. "I’ll see ya later, Sweetie Belle!" she called back as she zoomed away.

After the dust had cleared from the hasty departure of the two speedsters, Sweetie Belle was left standing alone next to the cause of all this panic. She kicked the bucket as it lay lifelessly on its side, wondering how something so simple could possibly be the cause of all this fuss.

Spike couldn’t find Twilight anywhere. He’d been looking for her for five hours now, but he hadn’t seen hide nor hair of the purple unicorn. It was if she’d vanished off the face of Equestria. He’d asked basically everypony in town if they’d seen her, but either they said they didn’t know where she was or they didn’t know who she was.

"Give me a break," Spike grumbled to himself as he stomped away from yet another pony without a clue. "How many times does Twilight have to save Equestria before ponies recognize her?"

As he walked through the center of town, he happened to spot Mayor Mare walking past. Figuring she might be of more help, he raised his claw and shouted, "Mayor Mare! Can I ask you something?"

"Oh, hello there, Spike!" the gray-haired mare greeted as she came to a stop. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Have you seen Twilight anywhere by any chance today?"

"Hmm...no, I can’t say I have. Are you looking for her?"

Spike’s eyes drooped in annoyance as if she had just told him he’d painted a fence the wrong color. "Well, thanks anyway," he replied as he turned to walk away.

"Oh, wait a second, Spike. Would you mind doing something for me?"

"Uh, what is it?" Spike asked, his helpful urges spinning himself back around to face the mayor.

"I’m swamped with work trying to get things ready for the big festival this Thursday, and I needed to get the chalkboard back that Miss Cheerilee borrowed from me this morning. Would you be a dear and swing by the schoolhouse to get it back?"

"Well, I-"

"I knew I could count on you! Just bring it by the town hall as soon as you can. Thanks again!" The mayor was gone before Spike could get in one more word of protest. It seemed that he had somehow found a way to have chores even when Twilight was nowhere to be found.

As he headed toward the schoolhouse, he started to wonder if the reason he couldn’t find Twilight was because something happened to her. A few of the choice things he had said to her that morning came flooding back through his mind, and a gripping sense of guilt took hold. His pace began to pick up until he soon found himself sprinting toward that schoolhouse as fast as he could. The sooner he got that chalkboard, the sooner he could get back to looking for Twilight. He couldn’t let the last words he ever spoke to her be "uh-oh."

However, as he finally arrived at his destination, something caught his eye in the grass beside the building. It was the reflection of the sunlight, which bounced off something shiny that was lying in the green thicket and went straight into his left eye, momentarily blinding him and making him slam straight into the flagpole. Stumbling around for a bit to regain his senses, he looked towards the grass to see what was in it that had just attacked his vision so suddenly.

He couldn’t identify what the object was at a distance, so he walked up to get a closer look. His eyes went wide as soon as he got close enough to identify the crimson lightning bolt that made up the main body of the piece of jewelry lying at his feet.

Spike picked it up off the ground and looked it over to verify that it was the genuine article. After a bit of inspection, he realized it looked and felt exactly the same as the last time he had worn it. It was definitely Rainbow Dash’s loyalty necklace.

As the dragon pondered how such an important object ended up on the ground beside the school and what this might mean in relation to Twilight’s whereabouts, a sudden, white blur swooped past Spike’s face. Before Spike could realize what happened, the necklace in his claws was gone.

Spike looked in all directions in a frenzy, throwing himself onto all fours and patting the ground to make sure he hadn’t accidentally dropped the necklace or that it had somehow become invisible for him like it was to most ponies. Then, as he heard a nearby flapping noise, he looked up to see a well-sized bird as white as freshly fallen snow flying away from him with the necklace securely in its talons.

"Hey!" Spike shouted as he chased after the feathered purloiner on foot. "Get back here you stupid bird! That doesn’t belong to you!"

The bird let out a ‘hoot’, paying no mind to the pursuing dragon as it continued obliviously flying away. As the two neared the edge of Ponyville, Spike suddenly recalled what Twilight had said awhile back about the spell she had cast on the necklace, and he had to wonder how this bird was even able to see the necklace at all.

Class was pretty uneventful after the excitement of the early morning. Diamond didn’t insult anypony else, and Cheerilee spent the rest of the day trying to explain to the class why the central nervous system was more than just what caused stage fright. Although, few were actually listening. Aside from Diamond herself, everypony seemed to be too distracted to even pay much attention to the lesson. They were all caught up on some crazy orangutan in a cowboy hat that had apparently run across the playground and attempted to tackle the flagpole.

And Miss Cheerilee wanted Diamond to become friends with one of them.

Diamond walked home that afternoon with a hodgepodge of anger stewing in her mind. There were so many things she could choose to be the focus of her rage. There was the model that disgraced her tiara; the stupid apology she had to make on Wednesday; the giant, disgusting rodent her dad let into their house that morning; the recent obsession going around about some dumb flower that was supposed to bloom in a few days; and a giant list of things to be angry about that seemed to just keep going. She had so many things to despise at once that she couldn’t decide which to focus her energy on. After a while, it was really making her mad.

She eventually arrived back home and silently entered the house, too preoccupied to alert her dad of her arrival. Thankfully, Miss Cheerilee had said she wouldn’t tell her dad about her behavior that day provided there were no more "incidents." The last thing Diamond needed was more punishment from her dad on top of everything else.

She walked through the hallway, noticing the distinct lack of stickiness on the carpeting as she headed toward her room. Walking past the dining room, she caught sight of her dad reading his newspaper like he should have been that morning. He heard her steps and lowered the paper just as she was squarely in his range of view, his expression remaining stagnant as he caught sight of her.

"Ah, Diamond, you’re home," he said as he folded the paper and set it on the table. "I wanted to talk to you about something. Why don’t you come take a seat? I made my famous no-noodle soup you like so much."

Diamond looked down the hallway toward her room. She was hoping to spend some quality time with herself to perfect her plan to prove her teacher wrong and make a new friend by the end of the day, but she knew her dad only made a dish that bland when he had something to apologize about.

She knew better than to pass up an opportunity to make that work for her, so she agreeably smiled and walked into the dining room to sit down in the chair across from him with the bowl of hot broth set up in front of it.

He cleared his throat, appearing to be searching for the right words before finally saying, "Listen, Diamond, I’ve been thinking about the way I dealt with what happened this morning. It was very unprofessional of me, and I’d like to apologize for it."

"Does that mean I can have ice cream again before time itself ends?" Diamond asked, trying to mimic her dad’s harsh tone from that morning.

Filthy cleared his throat again. "We’ll see. It wasn’t cheap to get the house cleaned up, you know. I’m afraid that’s gonna be coming out of your allowance for the next few months."

"Did they get my room cleaned up?" Diamond asked, staring down at her dad's soup.

"It’s as good as new. Although, we had to take your cat out to be dry cleaned. They said they’ll bring him back tomorrow morning."

"Oh, I hope they’re careful with him," Diamond said, crossing her forelegs in annoyance. "Those dry-cleaning ponies never polish his whiskers the way he likes."

"I’m sure they’ll do their job for what I’m paying them. More to the point, I had something I needed to ask you. It’s something that’s had me perplexed all day. Now, I don’t want to have a repeat of this morning, so let me just ask you this as calmly as I can."

He reached down for something resting by his chair. "Just tell me, Diamond Tiara, how did you manage to get ice cream on the inside of my ship in a bottle?" He held up the bottle to show the pink stains strewn about the entire fully-completed model ship within it.

With only a moment’s hesitation, Diamond almost involuntarily made her pupils grow large enough to consume the sun and resting her chin on the table, innocently replying, "I woke up this morning and my daddy wasn’t there."

Mr. Rich sighed deeply, then chuckled softly as he set the bottle on the table. "All right, all right, fair enough. Why don’t we just cut your allowance in half for the next month, and I’ll let you have ice cream again at the end of the week?"

As if she didn’t even hear her dad’s suggestion, Diamond’s kept up her expression, slightly raising the pitch of her voice as she continued, "He let a scary monster in the house and wasn’t there to protect me from it."

Mr. Rich’s chuckle came to a close. "Okay, Diamond, that’s enough. I was talking with Pinkie for ten minutes, and we both know that ‘monster’ was in more danger than you were."

Diamond ignored him again, making her eyes shimmer to add to the effect. "He left me all alone for three days. I almost forgot what he looked like."

The stallion leaned forward on the table, a bit of anger infecting his voice as he said, "Diamond, I’m serious now! You know how important my job is! We didn’t mean to forget to get a babysitter! It was a simple mistake!"

Diamond let her head slump on its side and broke eye contact with him as a final touch. "I guess he just stopped loving me."

Filthy's jaw dropped, his face turning pale as the words pierced through him. He placed his hoof to his forehead, gazing down into his soup as if he had come to realize how tasteless it was. "Diamond...you know that’s not true."

Diamond smiled as she resumed her normal posture and eye size. In an almost condescendingly sweet voice, she responded, "It’s okay, Dad. You don’t have to feel bad about it. I still love you more than all the money in your bank account." She pulled out a straw and happily slurped her dad’s soup. Though it was just a bowl of salty liquid with some leaves thrown in, something about it tasted strangely sweet to her.

"Diamond Tiara," he said somewhat reluctantly, making her turn her attention back towards him, "I know I haven't been the best dad this week, but I'd like to make it up to you. How about I go talk to Miss Cheerilee and we’ll see about getting you—"

At that moment, a purple flash of light appeared above the table, causing two creatures to appear out of thin air. One was a pink-maned, excitable mare, who appeared on the stallion’s side of the table. The other was a orange-haired, dizzy monster who appeared on the opposite side.

"What in the—" Mr. Rich leapt out of his chair. Diamond let out a yelp as the monster in front of her struggled to get its eyes to stop spinning.

"Surprise, Filthy!" Pinkie said. "I’m here to advertise like there’s no tomorrow! I brought my compass and everything." She spotted the bottled ship as she bounced off the side of the table. "I see you’re already way ahead of me. You’ve got the S.S. Pinkie Pie ready to set sail for the Cupcake-A-Thon! I like it!"

The other creature that was still on the table glanced around at the room it was in before bringing its eyes to a focal point as it caught sight of the filly that seemed to be growing more distressed by the second. A natural smile appeared on its face, and it raised its front gloved meat hook to give her a friendly wave. So, Diamond grabbed the warm bowl of soup in front of her and violently chucked it at the beast.

The soup flew right over the creature’s head, arcing over to the other side of the table and coming down right on top of her dad’s head. Diamond winced as the soup dripped down her dad’s face. She extended her hoof as she prepared to offer an apology, but she angrily turned to the creature on the table instead. "Look at what you made me do!" she shouted in contempt. "What are you even doing here anyway?"

"Yeah, Mork, what are you doing here?" Pinkie asked, turning around with the pink model ship in her hooves and the bottle nowhere to be found. "This isn’t your house, silly. You better get going. Fluttershy’s probably already making posters to find you."

Mork reluctantly hopped off the table and headed towards the exit. As he walked past Diamond, he stopped for a moment, meeting her resentful gaze with a look of curiosity. He bit his bottom lip before spontaneously leaning forward to lick Diamond squarely across the face with his slimy, blue tongue.

Diamond shuddered violently as if she had just been struck by the lick of death before fiercely replying, "My face is not your lollipop, you sick, spider-haired fleapit!"

Pinkie giggled. "Aww, isn’t that precious? Mork likes you, Dimey."

"Precious?" Diamond said, shoving Mork away with one hoof as she attempted to fix her mane with the other. "There's nothing precious about this thing." She threw a narrowed gaze at him. "I think the words you're looking for are 'pure evil.'" Mork's eyes widened at her comment.

"Aw, come on, Dimey. Don't be like that," Pinkie said. "Let’s see a smile." She beamed at the pink filly as a means of giving her the idea. Diamond and Mork both gave Pinkie the same blank expression until the silence motivated Pinkie to try something else.

"Let’s see a smile!" she repeated as she jumped into the air, causing confetti to gush out from the floor underneath her, a stray strand of it landing across Diamond’s nose. She and Mork simultaneously cocked an eyebrow at the pink mare as neither of them found any reason to acquiesce.

"Mr. Happy wants to see Dimey smile," Pinkie said, pulling out a smiling, moose-like puppet with a top hat and a monocle and waving it in front of Diamond’s face. It only helped in cementing Diamond’s scowl even further.

"Uh, Pinkie Pie," Filthy said, having just wiped the soup out of his mane and realizing what was happening.

"Smile," Pinkie said melodically as she poked Diamond’s forehead a few times with her puppet like she was trying to press her ‘smile’ button. As Diamond remained persistent in her anti-smiling ways, all that resulted was Pinkie and her puppet frowning in disappointment. As if finding humor in the irony, Mork had to smile at the result as he turned around and crawled out toward the front door.

"I’m getting out of here," Diamond said as she got up from her chair.

"Hang on, Diamond," Filthy said, reaching out his hoof. "I still need to discuss something with you."

"Can’t it wait until later, Dad? I’ve got something important to do for school, and it looks like you have a business problem to sort out." She pointed at Pinkie, who seemed to be unsuccessfully attempting to comfort her moping puppet friend.

Diamond rolled her eyes. "I’ll see you later, Dad," she promised as she exited through the opposite door that Mork had taken.

"All…all right. Don’t stay out too late, though. Love you!" Mr. Rich said as Pinkie excitedly dumped a box of advertising equipment onto the stallion’s head.

Diamond closed the back door behind her and headed for her backyard gate. She couldn’t let herself be distracted anymore. She had a challenge to face. She was going to show Miss Cheerilee exactly how special she was. She could make one friend in no time at all. If she wanted to, she could befriend the entire class to the point where they’d be apologizing to her by the time Wednesday came around. It would be so simple. After all, she was the best friend a pony could hope to have. What could possibly go wrong?

She called me evil. She thinks I'm evil. Nobody thinks I'm evil. Half the time Rook forgets I'm even an antagonist. Devil Me swears I'm not. And yet this filly thinks I'm at the level of a trained professional. I'm actually a villain to her. Now I'm definitely glad I was wrong about Twilight baking her daughter into a pie. I'm not a fan of eating things that compliment me.

Walking out of Mr. Rich’s house, the nickname Twilight had called her daughter rang through my head. Dimey. It didn’t sound anything like her name, but then again, that made perfect sense. Mothers were always calling their children crazy things. Mine used to call me her little cochlear implant until I was ten, and I didn’t understand what it meant until my roommate told me offhand a few days ago.

Pet names aside, Pinkie seemed to be the only one I could trust around here. Every other horse I'd met was either a proud practitioner of fake supernature or at least had no qualms with it. I could disguise my distaste for it, but I'd befriend a spoon before I shared my lunch with a wand-twirling potion chugger.

Now that my adventure hosts and potential enemies had so graciously provided me with my power food, I felt completely unstoppable. In fact, I felt so confident that I decided to engage in the most risky and perilous pastime known to man: walking forward with my eyes closed. Technically, I was crawling forward since I still wanted to continue my Mork persona, but the risk was just as great.

Ignoring the various screams of terror I heard as I progressed, I considered barging into some random houses and breaking all the vases I could find. Then, a thought-derailing voice of perfection soared through the air.

"Oh, Mork! There you are!"

Opening my eyes, I turned around to see Fluttershy running straight toward me. "I’m so glad we found you. I thought I’d have to start putting these posters up all over town."

The white witch was right behind her. She was still wearing that odd umbrella hat that she still wasn't using correctly. She sighed and shook her head as witches often did before muttering, "Work--I mean, Mork, darling, what am I ever going to do with you? Come along now. I need to see what I can do about those clothes of yours."

After that baffling statement, the two signaled me to follow them, no doubt leading me to where I’d be living for the time being. Curious about what my adversaries had in store for me, I played along and followed them with a supportive smile.

I know an adventure is supposed to start out easy, but couldn't it be a little harder? I guess I must still be in the prologue stages. I sure hope I’m getting a difficulty spike here soon. After all, it’s no fun if there’s no challenge.

Only For Me

Chpt. 15 - Only For Me

Monday, March 31

"Go ahead. Try it."

"I don’t know. It doesn’t seem very sanitary. Or palatable."

"Come on, just a taste."

"Isn’t it a bit-"

A messy glob of smooze was shoved right between Twilight’s gums, silencing her protests.

"Tastes just like peanut butter, doesn’t it?" Shooting asked, giving his hoof a quick lick. "You’d think it tastes like jelly."

Twilight nearly gagged as the gooey substance bounced around inside her mouth like it was holding a prison riot. She appropriately spit the magical gunk back into its undulating central hub and wiped the remaining residue off her mouth.

"Headmaster Star," she formally said as she closed her eyes and stiffened her posture, "with all due respect, would you please keep your groundbreaking scientific research out of my mouth?" Her eyes burst open as she leaned forward in anger.

Shooting took another slurp of his milkshake. "What, do you not like peanut butter?"

Twilight exhaled deeply through her nose."Of course I like peanut butter, but I prefer the kind that doesn’t bounce off my tongue like a trampoline!"

Shooting yanked out the hoof he had shoved into his mouth, smacking his lips in delight. "Better than it sticking to your mouth though, right?"

Twilight had sparks coming out of her ears. She had no idea how a pony that was practically tripping on his own facial hair could be so immature, but this one found a way.

In the fifteen minutes she’d spent alone with him in that magical tent, he had already splashed seven different forms of liquid in her face, none of them water; asked her to look up something in one of his books only for her to find a live gorgon inside; and bestowed upon her the honorable and prestigious nickname ‘Uptight Snarkle’ for yucks. The idea of Princess Celestia putting him in charge of the Canterlot daycare center was asinine enough, never mind the key location for all magic in Equestria.

Twilight felt a long and harshly-toned lecture coming on, but she held her smooze-stained tongue as the princess reappeared with the scroll she had left to retrieve floating beside her.

"Hello, Twilight, Shooting, did I miss anything while I was gone?" Princess Celestia asked.

Shooting Star topped off his first milkshake before responding, "I was just showing Miss Snarkle the reason smooze was first invented."

Tuning out the annoying stallion, Twilight turned her attention back to the floating glob. "I can’t believe it was intended to be a source of food." She looked to her princess. "Is it true it’s capable of instantaneous cellular reconstruction?"

"That’s correct," Celestia replied, sidestepping a few twinkles as she approached them. "Smooze is a self-repairing organism. It can remake itself faster than you could eat it."

"It’s sort of like a big, tasty germ," Shooting clarified as he picked up his second milkshake. "Only it’s a bit more hyperactive."

Twilight circled the gelatinous creature, examining it with uncertainty. "That’s probably why it didn’t work out as a food source. I can’t imagine many ponies would want to eat a living creature." She gave Shooting a look of disgust as he shoved his hoof into the mess for another bite.

Celestia giggled. "No, I’d imagine not, but fortunately we found a better use for it."

"Yes we did!" Shooting proclaimed with a mouth full of smooze as he summoned a large chalkboard that featured a detailed sketch of Mork’s external anatomy in profile. "Our new friend Mork's looking to be the most significant find of my career."

Twilight looked over the chalkboard, her scientific intrigue shining through. "Morkius Crazius" was written at the top and most of the body parts had been labeled with either appropriate words ending in question marks or just question marks by themselves. It was far from a complete diagram, but it was a well-sketched depiction.

Looking back to the smooze, Twilight verbally pondered, "I wonder what would be more interesting to study: smooze or Mork?"

A gusher of milkshake emerged from Shooting’s beard, flowing straight into the princess’s face. "Are you kidding?" he outburst as he made the chalkboard vanish. "Smooze is just a floating sneeze that can move things. Mork’s a shiny red button that says ‘Do Not Push’, the granddaddy of all buttons." Shooting rubbed his hooves together in anticipation. "I tell you I can’t wait to sink my teeth into him."

"Uh, you mean that figuratively, right?" Twilight asked, noting the bearded stallion lick his lips after expressing his intentions.

"Okay, fine," he grumbled, "sink my dentures into him. We can’t all have teeth like the princess, you know."

Twilight uneasily backed away from the eccentric old-timer, preferring to stand by the more responsible one in the tent.

"I know you’re excited, Shooting," Celestia responded, "but remember that Mork’s our guest, not your new plaything."

"I’ve got sixty years worth of questions to ask him, and I’m asking them!" Shooting asserted like a bearded toddler.

That statement hit Twilight like a blow to the head. "You’ve been working on this for sixty years?" she asked, astonishment pouring from her mind and out her ears.

Shooting gave his milkshake one final slurp and responded, "Yeah, the big toe had us stumped for the longest time."

"You lost me," Twilight’s flatly replied, convinced that Shooting didn't know how to be serious.

Shooting pointed up at the large crystal sphere above them. "You know, the T-O-H, the Test of Harmony spell. Ol' Smoozy isn't as compatible with it as a glass sphere or a disco ball. Every time we tried casting it on her, she'd fall apart into nothing. You'd think she was allergic or something."

Twilight’s curiosity was alive and well. "How’d you get around it?" she asked.

Shooting made a gesture towards Twilight’s crown. "One of our scientists suggested we use the essence of the Elements of Harmony to make it more compatible." He spawned a small, glass bottle filled with a rainbow colored liquid into his wrinkled hoof. "Worked like a charm."

"You bottled the Elements of Harmony?" Twilight asked in disbelief, staring at the contents of the container.

"I can bottle anything," Shooting boasted before summoning a large shelf of neatly-organized glass containers of various sizes, each one containing a differently-colored liquid.

"What do you need?" he asked as he levitated a few bottles off the shelf. "Love? Time? Social skills? Classical music? Bowling lessons?" Shooting picked up one containing a liquid as blue as Princess Luna’s mane and casually tossed it at Twilight, who hesitated to catch it before it fell to the ground. "That one’s sleep. Good for those long nights where you just can’t seem to get any. You should go ahead and take it, Snarky. From what I’ve heard, you’ve been needing it."

Twilight opened her mouth to retort, but a vial of pink liquid was levitated towards Shooting before she could. "And here’s some manners, Shooting," Celestia said. "From what I’ve heard, you’ve been needing this." She gave the old stallion a mischievous smile as he snagged the vial with his magic and shoved it back onto the shelf.

Celestia turned to her student to continue, "Shooting gathered the essence a few weeks after you and your friends defeated Nightmare Moon. I find it rather odd that we didn't think to use it on the smooze sooner."

"When did you finally figure it out?" Twilight asked.

"About a week ago," Shooting nonchalantly said as he sent his potion collection away.

Reality stopped in Twilight’s mind for a split second. "Y-you just finished it last week? After sixty years of work?"

Celestia’s horn lit up as she uncurled the scroll that still floated in her magic. "As fate would have it, our researchers here at Twinklespark discovered the solution to smooze on the same day we received that letter warning about the threat against the Elements." She lowered the page to let Twilight see.

Twilight read the message over, spotting two punctuation errors the researchers made as they described their smooze-related breakthrough. "And you don’t find that the slightest bit suspicious?" she asked.

"Why would we?" Shooting challenged. "It’s not like Mork showed up the same day we got the letter. Besides, what are you proposing? You think he popped the idea of how to perfect interdimensional transportation into somepony’s mind from the comfort of his living room?"

Twilight had her eyes glued to the smooze again. "Well, I guess that does sound a bit implausible."

"That reminds me, Shooting," Celestia stated, placing the letter aside, "Mork ended up in Ponyville after the smooze brought him here. It was supposed to drop him off on that sofa we set up for him. What happened here that Sunday night?"

"I don’t know," Shooting answered sincerely. "When the smooze came back, Mork just shot out of it like he was made of rubber. Went straight through that big opening in the tent behind the telescope. I’m still trying to work out the physics behind it."

Celestia had to chuckle. "After seeing him today, I wouldn’t be surprised if Mork was made out of rubber."

Twilight chuckled as well, but much less convincingly. "Yeah, I wonder what other tricks he can do."

"Speaking of tricks," Shooting chimed in, "if you want, Uptight, I could take that Element of Magic of yours and give it the full Shooting Star treatment. I’ll make it glow in the dark, shoot fire, you know, the usual stuff."

Twilight took a half-step backward. "Uh, that’s okay. I’m fine with it the way it is."

Shooting took a half-step forward. "Oh, come on, you can trust me. I won’t add any more laser saws than necessary. I promise."

As Shooting placed his black magical aura around the crown and prepared to lift it off her head, Twilight felt a powerful rush of emotion charge from her brain to the rest of her body. Her irises increased in intensity as she aggressively leaned forward and shouted, "Don’t touch that!"

She lifted Shooting into the air with her own magic, spun him around at nausea-inducing speed, and vented out all her frustrations against the childish old-timer by chucking him twenty feet through the air and straight into Mork’s sofa, knocking both over in the process.

Celestia didn't know what to say. Nevertheless, she asked, "Twilight, what has gotten into you?"

Regaining control of her senses, Twilight felt the embarrassment of her actions pound against her conscience. However, before she could explain herself, she felt a familiar throbbing sensation inside her head and clutched it with her hoof in an attempt to relieve the pain. As the headache subsided, she looked back over to the victim of her aggression and meekly stated, "I’m so sorry, Headmaster Star. I don’t know what came over me."

Shooting set the couch upright, hiding behind it like it was a barricade. "Maybe I should be going," he suggested. "I have to get to work on learning the rest of Mork’s language anyway." He carefully backed toward the telescope behind him, not taking his eyes off Twilight as he grabbed a few of the books he needed for his research. "I’ll see you later, Princess, and don’t forget about that sleep I gave you, Miss Sparkle. Good-bye." He disappeared in a black sphere of magic, leaving the princess and her student alone.

"Are you absolutely sure you’re feeling okay, Twilight? You look like something’s bothering you," Celestia noted, redirecting Twilight’s attention.

Twilight stared at the grass, the colorful walls too exuberant for her to concentrate on. "Princess, don’t you think it’s a bit odd? I mean, we just so happen to make this amazing breakthrough on the exact day we got that letter?"

"I will admit, it is somewhat unusual, but Rising’s Test of Harmony spell has never been wrong before. I see no reason to suspect Mork of anything sinister." Celestia read the concern in her student's expression. "Do you, Twilight?"

"Well, there's..." Before Twilight could spout off the list of reasons she had to suspect their new 'friend' when she realized all she had was that smirk she might have imagined before sending him back to Ponyville. "No, I guess not," she consented, hesitantly shaking her head. "Still, don’t you think he’ll at least be a liability if he’s here when the real threat shows up?"

"On the contrary, Twilight. I think he may prove to be a great assistance to us."

"A great assistance? You mean you want to ask him to help us fight this threat?"

Celestia chuckled. "I don’t think that would be very polite. However, once Shooting figures out how to communicate with Mork, I’m interested to see if he could teach us anything that might be of help."

Twilight took a moment to process the princess’s words before she let out a stifled snicker.

"What’s so funny, Twilight?" the princess asked, not wanting to be left out of the joke.

"I’m sorry," Twilight giggled. "I was just imagining Mork trying to teach us something."

"Yes? What about it?" Celestia raised her eyebrow in suspicion, her expression dead serious.

Twilight’s humorous mood faded as she took notice of her teacher’s. "I didn't mean it like that, but let's be serious, Princess. We both saw what he's like. This is a creature that doesn’t know how doors work. What could he possibly teach us that we don’t already know?"

Celestia turned to the large pit Mork had created about half an hour prior. "Tell me, Twilight, do you know a spell that could dig a hole that large that quickly?"

Twilight bit her lip. "Not off the top of my head, but I’m sure if I did enough research I could-"

"All I’m trying to say is that we still know nothing about this threat, and we can’t overlook the possibility that Mork could teach us something that could give us the upper hoof."

"Not to sound rude, Princess, but don’t you think you’re giving him a bit too much credit? I mean, sure, he might be an interesting specimen to research, but he doesn’t exactly seem like a very thoughtful creature or really even a sane one."

"Is that right?" Celestia gave her student a calm but commanding look. "Then let me ask you, Twilight. Did it seem like there was anything at the top of this hill?"

"Well, no, but that’s not exactly the same--"

"Did it seem like Discord could be reformed?"

"No, but Discord was--"

"Did it seem like making friends would help you to defeat Nightmare Moon?"

Twilight had no response to that one, her silence answering her teacher's question.

Celestia stepped forward to continue, "You simply must stop looking at things at mere face value, Twilight. Potential is something that exists in every one of us. If we disregard that potential in even the simplest of creatures, we could miss out on something truly amazing. I think you know this better than anypony."

Twilight's silence remained as she took in her teacher's words. Her gaze shifted to the smooze as she replied, "I guess it couldn't hurt to see what Mork knows." She glanced back to her teacher, an encouraging smile on her face. "If he can help us find some way to protect the Elements, we should let him."

Celestia returned a smile of her own. "I’m glad you see it that way, Twilight. Now why don’t we--"

Suddenly, a familiar black flash of magic appeared between the two. Shooting emerged from it wearing a large, medieval helmet in place of his black hat and holding a large, metal shield in his aura that he kept firmly pointed towards Twilight.

"Shooting, what is it? Did you forget something?" Celestia asked.

"Actually I remembered something," he replied, lifting up the visor on his helmet, "and I wanted to ask you two about it. Did either of you notice that Mork had a particular fascination with candy?"

"He did seem to have something of a sweet tooth," Celestia stated. "Why do you ask?"

"I translated what Mork said right after my translation spell failed, and if I didn’t mess up the conjugation, the first thing he said to me was 'Mork?', which means ‘Are you all a bunch of lollipops?’"

Celestia and Twilight stared at him in dull silence, both of them looking at him as if he’d just told them they had mailed a package to the wrong address.

"Anyway, I better get back to work. I'll be locked in my office if you need me. Don't need me, though, because I'm not coming out until I'm completely fluent in Morkish. See you tomorrow morning!" He vanished once again as abruptly as always, the expressions of the princess and her pupil remaining constant.

"You know, I think it would be for the best if I went back to see how Mork’s settling in," the pupil responded as she took a few steps forward.

"Are you sure, Twilight?" the princess asked. "There’s still much more for me to show you here at Twinklespark. You haven’t even seen Shooting’s patented trivia doors yet."

"Some other day, perhaps," Twilight replied, lighting up her horn in preparation to leave. "Spike’s probably worried sick, and I need to make sure Rainbow Dash hasn’t been up to anything crazy while I was gone."

"Very well, Twilight. Shooting and I will stop by tomorrow to see how things are going. He doesn't sleep in when he's this excited, so we'll be there first thing in the morning. If you have any problems before then, don't hesitate to write me about it."

"I will, Princess Celestia. Thank you." Twilight gave a quick bow and teleported herself out of the tent. Celestia smiled as she took in the serenity of the colorful setting before walking over to the smooze and sneaking a quick taste of it herself.

Scootaloo wasn’t sure what to think anymore. Ponyville was getting crazier by the second, and now it looked like even Rainbow Dash was infected with the crazy. After scavenging the schoolground like a mad dog looking for its lost bone, Rainbow resorted to simply whooshing around the schoolhouse at top speed, not even attempting to search for anything anymore. Her technique was impressive as always to watch, but Scootaloo was too distracted to admire it. She could only observe in silence as her hero continued giving the school a very colorful halo.

Before the dizziness could take hold, Rainbow broke her orbital path, coming to an abrupt halt right in front of the disturbed filly’s face. With intense desperation in her voice, she shrieked, "Where is it? What happened to it?"

Scootaloo shrunk back at her panicking idol’s maddened inquiry. "You mean the bucket?" she asked timidly. "I think we left it back by your seventh favorite sleeping spot." She pointed back the way they came with a rigid smile, trying to appease the agitated weather pony.

Rainbow let out a loud sob disguised as an irritated moan and fell onto her back, throwing both of her front hooves over her eyes. "Go ahead and call the coroner, kid. Just make sure they mention how awesome I was at my funeral." She peeked through her left eye. "And tell Rarity no goofy hats."

Confused by her odd request, Scootaloo approached her to ask, "Rainbow Dash, what’s going on? What was the deal with that bucket? Were you trying to set a world record or something?"

Rainbow sat back up, looking at the filly with pessimistic eyes. "I guess I might as well tell you. It’s not like it matters anymore. That bucket had one of the Elements of Harmony underneath it. That’s why it was so important."

A sense of fear overtook Scootaloo’s confusion as she felt her insides getting claustrophobic. "T-the Elements of Harmony?" she asked, her legs tensing up. "You mean those things you and the others used to stop Discord and Nightmare Moon? Those Elements of Harmony?"

Rainbow reluctantly nodded, her eyes glued to the dirt.

"But...but I didn’t see anything when the bucket--"

"Twilight put this crazy invisibility spell on them so nopony would know we have them. We’re trying to keep it a secret so some dumb monster doesn’t find out where they are."

"W-what kind of monster?" Scootaloo asked, not sure if she wanted an answer.

Rainbow shrugged. "A big, scary one, I guess. Probably has sharp claws and fangs. You know, the usual stuff."

The filly’s entire body felt heavy with guilt. "Oh...yeah, that kind."

"But it’s taking forever to get here," Rainbow moaned. "I thought Tank was slow, but he’s got nothing on this creep." She collapsed on her back again with an annoyed sigh, looking up at the clouds. "Why’d it have to take so long? If it’d shown up yesterday, I woulda made it wish it never came here." She took a few jabs at the sky as she lay on her back, then her ears fell as she caught sight of her bare neck. "Now there’s not even a reason for it to come here."

"I guess I really blew it then, huh?" Scootaloo sadly replied, knowing she couldn’t let herself cry in the presence of her stalwart idol.

Rainbow stood up, shamefully turning away as she shook her head. "Nah, kid, this one’s all on me. I promised Twilight I’d be responsible and junk, and I let the boredom do me in. I’m the one who blew it."

"But if I knew it was that serious, I would been way more careful," Scootaloo said. "That monkey thing never would have gotten within ten feet of that bucket."

Rainbow rolled her eyes as she turned back towards the filly. "Again with the monkey thing? Look, squirt, any other day I’d be happy to go along with the joke, but things are kinda serious right now. Okay?"

"But Rainbow Dash, I’m telling you! It was right here!" Scootaloo said, jumping up and down on the exact spot where she’d seen the beast collapse. "It ran right by this window like a total psycho. It didn’t even say 'sorry' for knocking over the bucket. Matter of fact, it didn’t say anything. It just charged through like a...big...scary monster."

Scootaloo sprung into the air as the idea snapped into her mind like a cannon going off. "That’s it! I know exactly what happened to your necklace, Rainbow Dash! The monkey thing must have taken it!"

Rainbow patted Scootaloo on the head, giving her a sad smile. "Thanks for trying to make me feel better, kid. I’m gonna head off and see if I can find it before it's too late. If we’re lucky, it’s just lying around Ponyville somewhere." She spread her wings and took to the air. "Catch ya later!" she called as she began her departure.

"Wait! Rainbow Dash, I’m telling the truth! You have to believe me!" Scootaloo cried out, making Rainbow stop to give her a look of adamant disbelief. Realizing she had little time before Rainbow got bored and dashed away, Scootaloo frantically looked around for the tiniest bit of evidence she could find of the incident. "Look! You can still see the dent where it crashed into the flagpole!" She pointed up to the indention that rested about a third of the way up the pole.

Deciding it couldn’t hurt to look, Rainbow flew over to inspect the pole, rolling her eyes and flying away from the pole to remark, "Yeah, big scary monster. I could make a dent twice that size on one of my off-days."

"But nopony in my class could!" Scootaloo retorted. "Watch!" Without a second of hesitation, the determined filly barreled into the flagpole at full force, ramming her head straight into it like an angry bull.

Rainbow's jaw flew open as she realized what the filly had just done, and she rocketed down to check on her well-being. "Have you gone nuts? What kind of wacko runs headfirst into a flagpole like that?"

Scootaloo tried to keep her balance as the world refused to hold still. "Do you...believe me now?"

Rainbow took a closer look at the pole to compare the two dents, finding that the original dent completely dwarfed the one the filly had just made. She turned to the filly with a look of absolute seriousness before cracking a smile. With a newfound sense of vim in her voice she said, "Well, if you want me to believe it enough to run into a pole, I guess I don’t have a choice, huh?"

Though she felt unbelievably woozy, Scootaloo's mood skyrocketed as she caught sight of Rainbow’s adventurous smile. "Maybe we should go ask Fluttershy if she’s seen it," the dizzy filly suggested as she stopped herself from wobbling. "She knows about all kinds of animals. Maybe she knows where it lives."

Rainbow’s eyes sprung open as her smile vanished. "No! Absolutely not!" she shouted, waving her hooves in opposition. "If any of my friends find out I lost that necklace, then the monkey thing won’t be the only one kicking a bucket today."

"But you didn’t lose anything, Rainbow Dash. The monkey thing stole it, remember?" Scootaloo said, giving her a sneaky, little wink.

Rainbow’s expression went blank at the brilliance of the excuse. Then she formed a sly smile of her own. "I like the way you think, kid. Fluttershy’s it is. Race ya there." Rainbow was gone before she even finished declaring her challenge.

"Best day ever!" Scootaloo shouted as she chased after the blue pegasus. She knew there was nothing to worry about now that Rainbow Dash was on the case. It didn’t matter how big, scary, or crazy that monkey thing was. Rainbow Dash was totally gonna take it down.

I sure am glad there aren’t any random creatures leaping out to attack me every two seconds. I get more than enough of that back home. Although, it wouldn't hurt if I could get some real combat right about now. My stats have to be next to nothing, and I'll need plenty of experience to keep up with all the nauseating magical riffraff everywhere.

Magical or not, this world did manage to keep redefining my definition of 'supernature'. As Fluttershy, the witch, and I made our way across the rural serenity of the childishly named Ponyville, I took notice of how shy their sun was. I'd never seen a sun give its world the cold shoulder like theirs did. It had to be pretty upset for it to go that far.

Could make for a fun miniboss later, though.

We passed by several fields of grass, a number of trees, and at least sixty-seven different types of flowers, and not one of them were dancing to the BGM. The only reason they moved at all was because the wind which was courteous enough to simply do its job without any troublesome blathering or grating laughter.

I knew supernature was better than nature, but I didn't know it was superior in every way.

Then there was the most shocking thing of all. It had been going on since I'd first arrived, but I hadn't realized until I actually paid attention to it. There was an astounding amount of walking occurring around town. Before the baker's dozen of horses we'd come across saw me and ran off in a fit of comical terror, they were actually heading to where they were going without zooming, zipping, or even transitioning there. They were just strolling along like it didn't matter how long it took them to get where they were going. It was so surreal.

When she wasn’t unsuccessfully insisting to the random passersby not to be afraid of me, Fluttershy was informing her spellcasting friend everything she needed to know about ‘taking care of me’. The witch just kept smiling and nodding, and I could see the words just deflecting right off her unused umbrella hat.

I probably should have been brainstorming what I was going to do once the witch inevitably had me to herself and locked me in her medicine cabinet, but I was hopelessly distracted by that voice.

"And he doesn’t like it when you scratch behind his ears," Fluttershy said as we finally arrived back at the witch’s lair. The door still had a Mork-sized hole in it, which really made me question how different the laws of nature were in this world to not have already fixed it yet.

"Fluttershy, you simply must stop worrying. Surely you don’t think that I would do anything to harm our friend Mork, do you?" the witch asked much too innocently.

"Oh no, of course not," Fluttershy replied, leaning forward to whisper in the witch's ear at her normal speaking volume, "Just, be careful with your magic. I think he’s scared of it."

Hah, afraid of magic. How absurd.

"Oh, you don’t have to be afraid of me, Morky," the witch insisted as she dug into the back of my right ear with her hoof. "I just want to make you feel right at home while you’re here." She gave me an endearing smile, putting up an excellent facade that was clearly convincing her winged companion.

I know better than to believe anything a witch says. Anyone that has a career based around magic, rhyming, and apple poisoning is someone I can’t take my eyes off to blink. If I let my guard down, she could blast me with a disintegration spell or turn me into vanilla pudding. I still haven’t saved, and I’d prefer not to have to start over from Mr. Rich’s bedroom.

"Do you want me to stay for awhile and help out?" Fluttershy offered as we entered the building. "I could help set up his bed or teach him how to use silverware."

You could do my narration for a bit. I'm not sure what, but I can't help but feel like I've been something.

"Th-that’s quite alright," the witch unfortunately replied. "You should get back home. You did say your little Angel’s still waiting on you, yes?"

"Oh, that’s right!" the lesser of two evils squeaked, pivoting around and sprinting back outside. "Bye, Mork!" she called as she rushed off to go meet with her conscience. "Remember, don’t drill any giant holes in anypony’s floor! It’s rude!"

After relishing the last few seconds of hearing the yellow one speak, the door was covered in a lightly-colored magical aura and slammed shut. Due to the gaping hole in it, the gesture felt redundant, but the implication was clear: the witch and I were alone. Our second face-off was about to begin.

I really need to give her a name already. "The witch" just doesn’t pop like it should. What should I go with? Witchy? Broomstick? Umbrellda? No, it needs to be more interesting. Give me a second.

Hocus faced toward the wounded door, taking a deep breath as she prepared to turn around. My ears braced themselves to be screamed off, and I half-expected to see her transform into a dragon before the first threatening statement.

However, as if to spit upon all my expectations, a smile that could rival mine in believability spread across her face like freshly churned butter. Her eye looked to be infected with sugar as she directed it toward me and very sweetly exclaimed, "This is going to be such fun. Don’t you think?"

Well, yes, but you’re not supposed to.

"I for one can’t wait to get to know you better, Mork," she insisted as she turned to face me fully, giggling at her own comment like an annoying convenience store clerk. "Has anypony ever told you what a handsome name you have? I think it suits you very nicely. You must be quite the looker back home."

This isn’t right. The compliment to chair throwing ratio is too high. What’s she up to?

Candy Lips slowly trudged toward me, praise oozing out of her mouth like it was her own variant of ice cream. "I never got to thank you for the fabulous job you did cleaning up my house this morning. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my boutique glow with such radiance."

Is this a semantics issue? Does ‘thank’ mean ‘destroy’ to them?

"And just look at those strong legs of yours," she gushed as she grabbed hold of my skinny, right arm. "I certainly don’t have to worry about my personal safety with you around, do I?"

Maybe this is her second form. She attacks by lobbing compliments at me until my head explodes. I’m starting to think it’ll work.

Setting her umbrella hat onto the table beside her, Wheedle headed into the next room as she deceptively said, "You must be absolutely famished after all that walking. I can’t imagine that one apple was possibly enough for you."

She’s got a point. A power food may let you play catch with a refrigerator, but a full meal it’s not.

"Why don’t you wait there, and I’ll go fetch you something to eat?" she suggested as she disappeared into the next room before I could mork my response.

Oh, I see. Now it makes sense. Enchantra’s pulling Witch Trick Heta Gamma: act nice, feed your guest until plump, and then shove him in the oven. Good thing I’m prepared. Last time I was here, I memorized her attack patterns.

After she was out of sight, my attention was consumed by the umbrella hat resting on her table like a holy crown. I had my eye on it since I first saw her wearing it. I knew I needed to have it. If I came across any bottomless pits without it, there would be no chance of recovery.

The witch probably only wore it to keep herself from melting if it rained, so taking it would be nothing but beneficial to me. Besides, Devil Me once told me that the rightful owner of an object was whoever wanted it the most. Therefore, I needed to secure my new umbrella hat before someone came and stole it. I quickly grabbed hold of it and held it high above my head before snugly adding it to my hammerspace.

That’s weird. No item jingle. I guess those don’t actually happen in real life.

About a minute passed, and boredom was attending a timeshare seminar in my limbic system. I could have easily exited through the essentially open door, but that would have made me a quitter. If I couldn’t handle Swirlcurl’s tricks, then I’d already be admitting defeat to that self-important, patronizing Celestia tyrant. She was probably watching me right now through her giant crystal ball while lying on her reclining throne and droning on about my inferiority between bites of tiramisu.

Keeping that image in mind, I decided to pass the time by inspecting Spellbound’s main chamber in greater detail. Those faceless horse statues were still everywhere. It almost looked like they had multiplied since I was last there. Before, I thought they were for decoration, but none of them had wings or horns. Magic did not exist without vanity. If they were really decorative, they'd have resembled their owner.
My new theory was that they were voodoo doll bases. Voody said earlier that her lair was a place of business and that she was a designer. She most likely sold the voodoo dolls she crafted to her magical friends so they could surreptitiously mess with all their nonmagical enemies.

Poor Pinkie Pie. I'm sure they've got a few for her around here.

As I continued inspecting the faceless plastic figures, I suddenly felt something rubbing up against my leg. I quickly identified it as the same hairy sensation from before that made my body abandon my eyes. No longer fearing for my intelligence, I calmly looked down to see what it was. It turned out to be a small, white, heavily-decorated cat affectionately purring and rubbing its fluffy head against my right ankle.

Ah, so Swêpes owns a cat, does she? Does she knows it’s not the right color? Are horses colorblind? I suppose Pinkie’s named after a color, so I’m thinking that’s a no.

"You’re in luck, Mork," Maligna sang as she made her dramatic return with a bowl floating beside her head. "I was looking through my cupboard, and I found some—Opal!"

She’s serving me rocks? Figures. I hope she at least cooked them first.

Gemcook dropped the bowl to the floor and zoomed straight at me, throwing her hooves around her mistakenly colored kitty and tearing it away from the shoelace it was playing with. She looked it right in the eyes and maddeningly cried, "Opal, what is the matter with you? You just had your bath this morning." She awkwardly turned to smile at me again. "Not that I’m calling you dirty or anything, Mork. I’m sure you have impeccable hygiene."

Come on, Pearl, at least put some effort into your lies.

She placed her cat on her back and headed for the stairs. "Come with me, Opal. Let’s get you upstairs where it’s safe--I mean, where you won’t bother our new house guest." She glanced back at me as she reached the bottom stair. "Terribly sorry, Mork. Opal never acts this way around strangers. I don’t know what came over her."

I do. Random, inexplicable affection toward me can only mean one thing: It has to be a normal cat.

It's just how my life works. Supernature ignores me like I'm a phone call at dinnertime while regular nature treats me like I’m a little girl clutching a teddy bear and sucking her thumb. My parents say I'm blessed. I say I'm embarrassed. Birds know my theme music by heart, ants invade my picnics to bring me food, and whenever I try to skip a stone it bounces right back into my hand without fail. One time I carved my initials into an oak tree. The tree just hugged me and refused to let go.

I’m like soap. The odd and unusual don’t care about me, but the normal masses can’t get enough. I don’t know who programmed life to be so infuriatingly hilarious, but I’d just like to tell that person that no one finds it funny except the dumber half of my audience.

Still, seeing a normal cat in a supernatural world was even weirder than a lack of transitioning. I didn’t even know that could happen. What else did this place have? Fair casinos? Adequate law enforcement? Wireless connectivity? Reality and fiction were starting to blur together, and I wasn’t even sure which side I was on anymore.

"So, Mork, as I was saying," Catmaster said as she came back down, scooping up the bowl she had dropped that was somehow still upright, "I believe I found something to suit your...interesting palate. I know it’s not much, but I’m afraid it’s all I have. Will it do?" She set the bowl in front of me so I could see its contents. Inside was a small collection of marshmallows that barely reached the top of the bowl.

I gazed down in utter silence, struggling to convince myself I wasn’t dreaming. The drool poured from my mouth like a faucet, and my irises and pupils transformed to resemble the sugary confection. I knew at that point that it was already too late to control myself. The white treasure had me by the tongue.

I’m sorry, Humanity. I have to disgrace us a little.

Ignoring my inner voice that warned me they were part of Nutilda’s master plan, I opened my mouth, turned on my throat vacuum, and devoured those marshmallows before you even finished reading this sentence. Then I swallowed the bowl. I didn’t chew, mind you. My teeth were too embarrassed. My tongue had no shame, though. It shot out of my mouth and licked the floor like a spinning fanblade, trying to collect any stray molecules that had tried to make a run for it. Once it tasted nothing but floor, my mouth elected to cough the bowl back up, lick it clean, and swallow it again. The cycle continued until the taste finally disappeared from my tongue, which collapsed onto the floor, too exhausted to make it back up to my mouth. After my heartbeat finally stopped being visible and my eyes turned back to normal, I could finally force myself to end the paragraph.

I looked over to see Marshmarsh hiding behind one of her blank voodoo dolls. She peeked her head out once the silence hit, finding the strength to force her smile out once more. "That’s quite an appetite you have. Your mother must be very proud."

Oh, please don't tell my mom about this. Or anyone else.

She carefully eased her way out from behind the faceless figure. "It’s a dreadful shame that’s all I have to give you. If only there was something we could do about that." She looked away in thought, and even that looked fake.

"I’ve got it!" she exclaimed as if she’d been bitten by the inspiration bug. "We’ll head out to buy you some food and have a nice, little picnic. What do you think? Won't that be fun?"

Nice try, Unihorn. If you really came up with that idea just now, a light bulb would have popped out of your head. That means this has been your plan all along. I can already see it. We’ll break out the picnic basket, then I’ll say ‘mork’ or something, and you’ll lay out the blanket only for six or seven waves of goblin ninja to leap out of it, each one armed with a glass katana that can shoot blue fire and undeserved compliments.

"Mork mork," I eagerly agreed, my tongue finding a stray speck of marshmallow on my ear.

Trying her best not to look disgusted, Fibflab declared, "Wonderful, I’ll just grab a basket and blanket and we’ll be off right away." Her horn lit up to pull a well-sized picnic basket out from under the table, no doubt already containing everything the two of us needed.

"We’ll stop by the market and find you some delicious..." She paused as she took another look at me, this time without the needless smile. "Although, we simply must do something about that attire if you’re to go out in public."

Why does she keep talking about my clothes? She doesn’t even wear any.

"Hmm, I don’t have enough time to make you a new outfit," she uttered to herself. "Why don’t we start by taking off those tacky gloves of yours? They're simply unbecoming, and they don't even match your eyes."

Take off my gloves? What scatterbrain gave this witch a surgical license?

I felt the tingling feel of magic consume my hands, followed by the sensation of being pulled forward. "Come on," she strained as her horn glowed vigorously, "let’s see those handsome claws you’ve got underneath all that atrocious leather."

Oh, she must be kidding. She thinks there’s something underneath my gloves? I think some of that magic might have seeped through her glaze. Sure hope that doesn’t happen to me.

After pulling on my gloves just long enough for it to still be funny, she let go, flying backward into her army of voodoo. She blew the hair out of her disgruntled face and said, "All right then. I suppose the gloves stay on."

She turned on her magic again, and a large yet lightweight sunhat flopped onto my head. It made my head tingle, but it didn’t make me want to stand on any large white X’s, so I didn’t fuss.

"Let’s at least put on something to cover up that dreadful orange mess. I never want to see orange and blue put together again for as long as I live." She glared at a large nearby treasure chest that was already begging for me to loot its contents. I would have gone for it, but I didn’t want to do anything that might interfere with my currently scheduled ambush.

Pic-nica turned to me with false sunshine on her face as she made her way to the door. "Shall we be off then? You must want dinner more than life itself, am I right?"

Yes, but I’ll trade both of those things to fight some enchanted grapefruit monsters.

She found a spot on her front door that was still intact and placed a note on it. Then she inspected my appearance again, put some large sunglasses over my eyes, and we headed off to our picnic, where I was eagerly looking forward to the dastardly trap that awaited me.

"You see, Filthy? Gummy will make the perfect slogan for the event. He fits on the ship and everything!" Pinkie held up the almost entirely pink model ship in her hooves. Clamped to its mast was her pet alligator, wearing a powdered wig and rain boots, not even caring to lick the ice cream that stained it.

Filthy Rich gave a distracted nod, resting his cheek on his hoof as he sat at his dining room table, not even bothering to argue Pinkie’s use of his informal nickname or the definition of ‘slogan.’

"What’s the matter, Filthy?" Pinkie asked as she jumped onto the chair next to him. "Do I need to bring out Mr. Happy again? Because the doctors are saying it doesn’t look good." She somberly glanced over at her moosey puppet friend that was in a small bed by the door, attached to a beeping heart monitor.

"Pinkie, how do you know if you’re a good parent?" Filthy asked, suddenly regaining his concentration towards the pink mare. "I mean, how do you know if you’re doing a good job?"

"Let me tell ya, Filthy." Pinkie extended her leg around the stallion’s neck. "Sometimes, when life gets me down, I start to think I’m not a very good parent either."

Filthy played a quick game of tennis with his eyes. "Uh, Pinkie, you aren’t a-"

"But then I just remember the great advice Gummy gave me."

"Your pet?" Filthy pointed to their new lazy-eyed, toothless slogan in disbelief. "He gave you parenting advice?"

"Yep, Gummy knows all about little kids. He’s littler than anypony, so he’s a real expert." Pinkie stroked his wig as he continued holding onto the mast.

"Well, what’s the ‘expert’ got to say?" Filthy asked, a tiny glimmer of interest hidden in his sarcastic tone.

"He says as long as you keep them smiling, everything will be a-okay," Pinkie quoted with a broad, overpowering grin.

The stallion frowned. "I think your pet should stick to chomping on model ships," he said.

"He does like the taste of wood," Pinkie said, pulling Gummy off the mast to give him a hug, "but I’m totally with him on the smiling thing. I mean, if a pony’s smiling, what could be the problem?"

"Plenty could be the problem," Filthy said. "Like what if the smile’s not real?"

Pinkie giggled and shook her head. "Those don’t count, Filthy. Gummy’s talking about happy smiles."

"Oh yeah? How ‘bout the smile a crook’s got when he steals something from somepony? That’s a pretty happy smile, but what does that say about the parents?"

"Oh, we’re talking about bad guys?" Pinkie asked as she slapped an eyepatch on Gummy. "That’s funny. I thought we were talking about Dimey."

Filthy let out a soft groan, planting his head into the table. "Hey, I know. Let’s talk about her instead," he muffled through the table with a false sense of eureka.

"Works for me. I wanted to ask you about the problem she was having," Pinkie said as Gummy jumped back onto the boat and clamped onto its mast again.

Filthy lifted his head back up, looking a tad concerned. "You know?"

"How could I miss it?" she asked, pointing back to Mr. Happy’s worsening heart rate. "Somepony stole her smile. That’s like the biggest problem a pony can have."

Filthy groaned again, almost laughing as he shook his head. "Nopony stole her smile, Pinkie. She’s probably still upset about her punishment."

Pinkie gasped, surprised to hear the news. "Sweet little Dimey got in trouble? What’d she do?"

Filthy gave the mare a disturbed look. "She had a little problem at school and tried to solve it by chomping on her classmate’s ear."

"Sounds a lot like Gummy," Pinkie said as her costumed pet sprung off the boat and clamped down on her own ear. "Maybe they’re long lost twins! They are both small, cute, and funny."

"There wasn’t anything funny about this," Filthy replied. "You should have seen her when she came home. She wanted me to buy off Sweet Apple Acres and tear it to the ground."

"That doesn’t sound very nice," Pinkie stated.

"That’s why I had to do something about it," Filthy said. "I figured it was time she learned a thing or two about respecting other ponies. So I took something away from her. Something that meant the world to her."

Pinkie let out a longer gasp, letting some air back out to complete it. She jumped onto the table and accusingly pointed her hoof at the stallion. "It was you! You took away her smile! Do you know what you’ve done to the Happy family? Huh?" She pulled out a disgruntled feminine moose puppet wearing a pearl necklace and holding a rolling pin. "Mrs. Happy’s got a few choice words for you!"

"It was her tiara, Pinkie," Filthy explained in annoyance. "I took away her tiara."

Pinkie’s anger dissipated as she scratched her chin with her hoof puppet. "I thought she looked different. I guess she isn’t getting shorter."

Filthy stared down at the table. "I said she could have it back once she shaped up, but so far nothing’s really changed. She had a little sulking marathon before my trip last Thursday, and by the time I came back, she was completely back to mouthing off at everypony. Celestia knows what she's up to right now."

He laid his chin on his hooves and sighed. "It’s like nothing changes no matter how much I punish her. I mean, I took away her most prized possession, and she’s gone and forgotten about it. What am I supposed to do? Put a shock collar on her?"

Pinkie stood beside his chair, looking a bit concerned. "Well, Filthy, it’s like Gummy always says: you can push a pony into the pool, but that doesn’t mean they’ll play water polo with you."

Filthy curiously looked up to the creature tasting Pinkie’s ear. "Fair enough, but she’s gotta learn to swim somehow or she’s gonna drown."

Pinkie’s ear quivered as she pulled Gummy off it to set him on the table. "Gummy says you should buy her a floaty."

Filthy groaned and leaned back in his chair, his interest in Gummy's advice drained. "It's just been one disaster after another ever since that day I made that big sapphire deal. First my daughter gets in trouble at school, then all that lousy perfect weather last week pretty much cancels any profit I was hoping to get from those sapphires, then my wife gets invited on that seven-day cruise with Princess Luna on the same day I left on that worthless business trip that couldn't even push last week's sales out of the red, and right after I get back, I have to deal with the whole Mork fiasco."

"Mork’s last name is Fiasco? He never told me that!" Pinkie said somewhat bitterly.

"It’s all been so hectic that I haven’t even seen much of my daughter. I didn’t even buy her a gift during my business trip. I never forget the gift!"

"Then how’d you forget it?" Pinkie asked.

"I just feel so bad for her," Filthy continued. "Before you showed up, I almost caved in and gave her that tiara back."

"That sounds great!" Pinkie exclaimed. "Dimey would have been so happy!"

"Yeah, she would have called me the greatest dad ever," Filthy replied, a small smile appearing for a moment before it faded. "But I just can’t do that. If I go back on this punishment now, she’ll never learn."

"Aww, come on, Filthy," Pinkie said. "Can’t you just find a nicer way to punish Dimey? Maybe with rubber duckies or styrofoam?"

Filthy glared at her with reasonable ferocity. "Now you’re sounding like Miss Cheerilee. Let me tell you something about real life, Pinkie. It can’t always be all happy and huggy. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy if you want to make things happen."

Pinkie looked confused. "Why would you want to be the bad guy?" she asked. "They steal things and then smile about it."

"I don’t want to be the bad guy," Filthy said, looking to the floor. "I just don’t want my daughter turning into one."

It barely took a second for Pinkie to descend into a fit of laughter. "That’s a good one, Filthy. Dimey going bad. That’d be like Gummy going quiet." Her pet clamped onto her nose as she made her analogy.

"It’s just that I can’t get through to her," Filthy stated, looking back to the hyperactive mare. "She only listens when there’s something in it for--Pinkie, what are you doing?"

"I’m not Pinkie," Pinkie haughtily declared as she stood atop the table wearing a shiny crown that the stallion could readily identify. "I’m the evil Diamond Tiara. I make ponies tremble with fear and play inconsiderately loud music at night. Now give me all your candy and stop having fun!"

Filthy gave her his best expression of annoyance. "That’s not funny, Pinkie," he said.

"Lighten up, Filthy," Pinkie urged as she took off her crown. "You don’t really think Dimey could go bad, do you?"

"Of course I don’t!" Filthy shouted, his tie coming loose. "My daughter’s not a bad pony! She just..." His words trailed off.

"Just what?" Pinkie asked as she took off her crown.

Filthy's gaze went back to the floor. "She just wants everything to go her way."

"That’s funny. Gummy wants everything to go his way too." Gummy fell off Pinkie's nose and back onto the table. "Maybe they really are long-lost twins!"

"That’s something everypony wants, Pinkie, but that’s not how life works. Sometimes things go your way. Sometimes they don’t. Diamond just doesn’t understand that. She wants things her way all the time, and when they don’t, she does all she can to make sure they do."

Filthy stood up and walked over to look out the window. "She just can’t be thinking like that all her life. She's living in a make-believe world, and I've gotta snap her out of it before it becomes her real one."

"I get it, Filthy," Pinkie said as she finished her house of cards. "You may not know this, but I know a ton about playing make-believe. Gummy taught me everything he knows." She held up her pet that was now wearing a large fishbowl over its wig. "All she needs is to spend a little real time with some of her close friends, and I know just how to make that happen. We'll throw her a surprise party!"

"We can’t throw my daughter a party," Filthy angrily replied, turning away from the window. "She’s being punished!"

"But Filthy, don’t you want to make Dimey smile?" Pinkie asked.

Filthy froze as he realized he was about to say 'no'. He didn't need to ask Gummy to know that wasn't what a good parent would say. He'd ignored Diamond for almost a week now; he didn't need this on top of it. Besides, he did want Diamond to be happy, now more than ever.

"I guess it wouldn’t hurt if we had a little get-together here at the house," he finally said.

"All right! This is gonna be the best party ever!" Pinkie cheered, putting a party hat on Gummy’s fishbowl. "Should I get live music?" She held up her pet to her face. "Where’d you put my accordion, Gummy?"

"Nothing fancy, Pinkie," Filthy said. "Last thing I want her thinking is that she’s off the hook."

"Got it. No clowns and no bouncy castles," Pinkie acknowledged, giving a quick salute and dashing into the kitchen. Her departure was followed by a series of loud noises and a tremor that shook the whole house. Pinkie peeked back into the room with a chef’s hat on her head and her face spotted with flour. "Got the banner finished!" she replied

"No banner," Filthy barked, causing Pinkie to sadly slink back into the kitchen.

Filthy rubbed his head and sighed again. As Pinkie continued causing a ruckus in the kitchen, he found himself turning to his right to gaze up at the family portrait that hung up on the dining room wall. It was a simple picture of himself, his wife, and his daughter standing in front of a deep blue backdrop. He and his wife were standing on either side of the pink filly, who was standing on a chair to be level with them. Diamond's smile was innocent and very proud, and her tiara sat perfectly on her head like it was smiling along with her.

Looking at the picture made Filthy smile himself. It reminded him how precious his daughter was when she wasn’t causing any grief. Sure, she was a bit self-centered, but that didn’t make her a bad pony. That didn’t mean she was going to turn evil.

Filthy’s smile vanished as a sense of fear overtook him. Why was that thought still in his head?

"Filthy!" Pinkie called as she stuck her head back in the room, her eyes prepared to beg. "Can this party have cake?"

Filthy gazed at that picture for a moment longer, still a bit disturbed by his thoughts. Then, he turned back to Pinkie, looking a bit uneasy. "All right, but no ice cream."

"So the three of us got behind her chair and pushed her in, but Rarity just wasn’t in the mood for water polo. We tried playing without her, but Sweetie Belle popped the ball with her horn and Scootaloo got tangled up in the net. So, none of us got any cutie marks that day, and Rarity swore off public pools for life." Apple Bloom looked to her sister for a word as the two arrived home, her story appearing to be at its conclusion.

"Well, that certainly was a long story," Applejack replied as she followed her sister to their front door, "but that don’t answer my question ‘bout how school went today."

"Oh, uh, right. School." Apple Bloom turned away, quickly heading into the safety of her home, closely followed by her inquiring sister.

The two entered their living room to find their brother sprawled out on the sofa, exhausted after his hard day of working the fields. Upon seeing him, the contrastingly excited Apple Bloom rushed up to greet him.

"Hey there, Big McIntosh! Are you coming kayaking with us?" she asked in zest as Applejack gave him an acknowledging tip of the hat. Too tired to reply, the stallion just politely shook his head and sank deeper into the couch pillow.

"Still waiting to hear about that school day," Applejack said, starting to get concerned by her sister’s reluctance to answer.

"Uh, hey, I know!" Apple Bloom said as she casually motioned to the stairs, her eyes facing nowhere but forward. "Why don’t I go upstairs and get our paddles? Can’t paddle without paddles."

Applejack couldn’t believe it. Her sister was keeping something from her. After spending the entire day before trying to get rid of all the secrets between them, that filly was already trying to make new ones.

Taking an extensive step forward, Applejack softly brought her hoof down on her sister’s tail, her tone falling into harsher territory as she said, "Now Apple Bloom, we can do this the easy way or the Granny way."

"Say what now?" Apple Bloom asked, looking wide-eyed and confused.

Applejack put her hoof to her face and looked up to the ceiling. "What’s that, Apple Bloom?" Applejack shouted loud enough to get a noise complaint from Canterlot. "You wanna massage Granny’s hooves?"

The filly’s thoughts of paddle retrieval and all else were wiped clean from her mind as she wriggled free of Applejack’s grip. "No, Applejack, please! Anything but that! She’ll break out the gunk scraper! I can’t handle the gunk scraper! I don’t even understand where the gunk comes from!"

"Can ya tell me how school was today?" Applejack asked suspiciously.

"Whaddya say, dearie?" a familiar, gravelly voice called from the kitchen. "You say somepony wants to give my dusty, old stompers a proper rubdown?"

Hearing her grandmother’s approaching steps, Apple Bloom turned to her sister, aggressively nodding like it was her next crusade.

Granny entered the room, looking to Applejack for confirmation to her question. Applejack looked down at her sister’s desperately pleading expression and replied, "Uh, yeah, Big McIntosh does."

Big Mac’s tired eyes sprung open as he heard his name pulled out of thin air.

"Well, ain’t you just the sweetest grandson a pony ever did have?" Granny said, affectionately rubbing his cheek as he lethargically separated his head from his pillow. "Applejack, do you remember where I put my scraper?"

Applejack pensively looked toward the ceiling. "Why don’t ya check the barn?" she asked.

"Fantastic idea." Granny turned back to the exhaustedly panicking stallion and patted his head as she meandered toward the front door. "Come on, best grandson ever. I feel like there's a knot in my leg the size of a full-grown apple tree."

Big Mac sighed as he reluctantly threw himself off the couch to follow Granny outside, turning his head to give his sister an eyeful as he closed the door behind him. She offered an apologetic grin in response.

Her expression quickly changed to mild irritation as she heard the a loud creak from the staircase behind her. "I don’t know where you think yer goin’," she said, making her sister wince and stop cold. "Them paddles are in the kitchen closet."

Apple Bloom turned back toward her sister, actively trying to avoid eye contact. "Oh, uh, right. My bad."

"Apple Bloom, what in the name of custard happened at that school today that you don’t want me to know about?" Applejack asked as she walked over to the staircase.

Apple Bloom hesitantly walked back down, her thoughts visibly consumed with the events that had transpired at school that day. "You sure you wanna know?" she asked.

Applejack nodded as she and her sister entered the kitchen. She kept her eyes focused on the filly, her mind racing as she considered what all the fuss was about.

'Well, you remember that little problem I had at school about ten days ago?" Apple Bloom asked as they arrived at the kitchen closet. "The one while you were out of town?"

Applejack’s body went as stiff as a scarecrow as she reached for the closet’s doorknob. Her memory of the incident had nearly faded from her mind after all the fun and confusion over the past twenty-four hours, but it all came rushing back the second Apple Bloom brought it up.

"I didn’t hear ‘bout no little problems happenin’ that day," Applejack said, her hoof still frozen in midair. "Was it before or after ya threw down?" She kept facing the closet, taking a deep breath to keep her mind clear.

Apple Bloom shifted her eyes toward the kitchen stove, relieved that Applejack hadn't overreacted again. "So, you do remember."

"A course I do, but why are ya bringin’ it up now?" Applejack asked, her hoof defrosting to open the closet door. "Ain’t that all just water under the bridge?"

Apple Bloom spit dryly at the absurdity of her sister’s question. "Only thing under that bridge is mean, pink, and snooty."

"Oh boy," Applejack said, rummaging through the closet for kayaking equipment. "That little doggie don’t ever lie down, does she? What’d she do this time? She try eatin’ yer homework?"

Apple Bloom tried to stay serious but had to giggle. "Nah, but she sure did a lot of barkin'."

"Well, as long as she ain’t biting nopony," Applejack said in earnest.

"Trust me, her barkin’s a whole lot worse," Apple Bloom disdainfully said as she curiously examined an accordion that Applejack had tossed out of the closet in her search. "And it ain’t gettin’ no better now that she’s gone psycho."

"Apple Bloom," Applejack said harshly as she located one of the oars in the back of the closet, "that ain’t no way to talk about one of yer classmates."

"But Applejack—"

"But nothing," Applejack said, setting the oar aside. "Listen, Apple Bloom, I know that filly gives you and yer friends a hard time every now and then, but she ain’t a monster. She’s probably just looking for a little attention. Maybe if you stopped focusing on how mean, pink, and snooty she is, she could become one of your good friends."

Apple Bloom gave her sister a look of utter blankness, only to quickly make a smile out of it. "Yer right, Applejack," she said as her sister turned back into the closet. "The next time Diamond Tiara starts tossin’ out personalized insults in the middle a class like candy on Nightmare Night, I’ll just ask her if she wants to go see a movie after."

"She did what now?" Applejack shouted, yanking the second oar out of the closet as she quickly turned around, causing a mountain of objects to topple around her.

Apple Bloom matched her sister's panicked expression. "She was outta control, Applejack. She went off on everypony. Called us all stupid and said we were dirt. There wasn’t one feeling left in that room that wasn’t hurt by the time she got done."

"Now hold on there, Apple Bloom," Applejack said, working on picking up the clutter. "That don’t even make sense. Miss Cheerilee wouldn’t let her get away with somethin’ like that."

Apple Bloom looked her sister right in the eye, her face morbidly serious. "She went off on everypony, Applejack."

Applejack dropped the broom she had picked up. "She talked smack to her own teacher?"

"Her teacher, me, Silver Spoon, Rainbow Dash, I'm just glad Princess Celestia didn't stop by for a visit."

The confused mare shook her head as she stacked up a pile of fallen cans. "Where’d this even come from, anyhow? You ain’t made a fuss about her since you said she called us both dirty liars."

"That’s the craziest part! She hasn’t so much as coughed since then. She's been so quiet I kept having to look to see if she was really there every day. She didn’t even say nothin’ last Thursday when Granny made me wear that silly flower hat."

"What’s wrong with Granny’s flower hat?" Applejack asked, spotting the article on a nearby hat rack.

Apple Bloom pointed her nose to the ceiling and said in a higher-pitched and more nasally tone, "You call that a hat? I've read better headwear than that dying weed."

"She said that?" Applejack asked, feeling a bit uncomfortable with her sister's impersonation.

"No!" Apple Bloom retorted. "That's what I'm trying to tell ya! I think she spent all last week just comin' up with what she was gonna say today. And that was just the beginning! After Miss Cheerilee finally got her to stop, she went back to bein' quiet. I think she's planning her next move!"

"Calm down, Apple Bloom," Applejack stated, grabbing hold of her sister. "Ya ain't playin' checkers with her. She was probably just quiet 'cause she felt bad 'bout what she said to everypony."

"Diamond Tiara felt bad? Really?" Apple Bloom sarcastically asked.

"Sounded a whole lot more believable in my head," Applejack replied, entering the closet to find the kayak itself.

Apple Bloom's eyes went to the floor. "I just hope she gets her tiara back soon. Who knows what'll happen otherwise?"

"Now wait just a minute there," Applejack said, pulling the kayak out of the closet. "Are you telling me all this fuss is 'cause of a silly little crown?"

"Don’t say that!" Apple Bloom shouted, shoving her hoof into her sister’s mouth. "She might hear you."

Applejack removed her sister's hoof and shook her head. "Apple Bloom, now yer the one talking crazy."

"I got no choice, Applejack," Apple Bloom replied as she nervously peered out the window. "When I broke that tiara, I unleashed some kinda unspeakable pink horror, and now everypony in town's gonna pay for my mistake."

Not liking what Apple Bloom was implying, Applejack placed a hoof on her shoulder. "Tell you what, Apple Bloom," she said with a sisterly grin, "it sounds to me like you need to get yer mind off all this tiara business. How's about we head out and get this kayakin' thing under way?"

"All right," Apple Bloom agreed, "but if Diamond Tiara’s at the foot of my bed with a rusty hatchet tonight, don’t say I didn’t warn ya."

Applejack endearingly rubbed her sister’s scalp. "Don’t you worry, Apple Bloom. Ain’t no way I’m gonna let her hurt you again."

They pushed the boat out the back door, throwing the oars inside it to make the task simpler. They waved goodbye to their brother and grandmother and made their way out their front gate. Then, as Applejack prepared to explain to her sister the proper way to pilot a kayak, a small, purple dragon raced past them, his head pointed straight up.

"Heya, Spike," Applejack called out to the her anxious-looking friend. "Twilight got you runnin' more errands for her?"

Spike stopped, pulled a 180, and shouted, "Don't tell Twilight! Everything's fine!"

"We can't tell Twilight everything's fine?" Apple Bloom asked.

Spike looked to the sky again, his eyes shifting around anxiously like the clouds were on fire. "I...I gotta go!" he shouted as he rushed off, his eyes on the sky the entire time.

The two sisters watched him run off in silence. Then, a stray memory found its way to the front of Apple Bloom's mind, causing her to remark, "That reminds me, Applejack. There was one other thing that happened today."

Applejack smiled, glad to hear her sister being so open about this one. "Oh yeah? What was it?"

"There was this crazy-lookin’ animal that ran right past our school this morning. It ran on two legs, it was about twice my size, and it was wearin a hat that looked exactly like yours. Do you know anything about that?"

"Uh," Applejack stammered, not sure how to answer that question. "Well, I uh..."

Apple Bloom wasn’t buying it. "Applejack, we can do this the easy way or the Granny way."

"All right, all right, no need to get all threateny," Applejack replied as she continued pushing the kayak forward. "I almost don't know where to start. Mork ain't exactly the easiest thing to explain."

"Who's Mork?" Sweetie Belle asked herself as she read the note on Rarity's heavily damaged door. She dejectedly turned away and stomped off. Scootaloo had run off with Rainbow Dash, Apple Bloom had kayaking plans with her sister, and Rarity was off on a romantic picnic with her new boyfriend. It seemed like everypony had something to do and somepony to do it with except for her.

Having no better ideas, Sweetie decided to head to the library and see if Twilight needed any more help finding Pinkie or Fluttershy. The whole ordeal had been forgotten after the situation with the bucket, and Sweetie wanted to apologize and make sure it was all under control.

However, as she caught sight of the library’s foliage, she heard a faint cry that sounded like Applejack’s voice booming all the way from Sweet Apple Acres. Sweetie Belle turned her head in the direction of the noise.

She had wondered earlier if the monkey thing might have eaten Applejack, but she didn’t think it was actually true. Wondering if the farm pony's ghost had returned from the grave to haunt her, she anxiously cantered forward, looking to the sky for any signs of spectral activity. She became so distracted looking in all directions that she neglected to look straight ahead, and she crashed headfirst into something that had stepped into her path.

The collision was actually more of a bump than a crash, but Sweetie knew she had to apologize regardless.

"Sorry, I should have watched where I--" Sweetie stopped mid-sentence, squealing in terror as her eyes met with the ones belonging to the creature she had bumped into. It was the second time she’d encountered it that day, and it looked even more terrifying than the first. It stood on all fours with a manic hunger in its eyes like it was staring at a delicious cupcake, and it wore an overeager smile on its face that looked like it had just been recently purchased. Yelling was the only appropriate response Sweetie could have made to something like this, and she couldn’t decide whether to follow it up by running or playing dead.

"Hi, Sweetie Belle!" Diamond Tiara happily addressed, aggressively leaning forward and ensuring Sweetie’s future nightmares. "What’s up?"

Sweetie instantly checked behind herself, hoping to find another Sweetie Belle ready to answer Diamond Tiara’s inquiry. When she disappointedly found none, she faced forward and yelped again, the same sight managing to surprise her a second time.

"You seem upset," Diamond asked with a tilt of the head, her smile still at full charge. "Is something wrong?"

Sweetie Belle felt like a large target had been placed on her forehead. Why was Diamond Tiara asking if something was wrong? Did she want something to laugh at? Was she scavenging the town for misery to feed on? Sweetie didn't have time to come up with the answer. All she could think to do was to get out of there as fast as possible.

"Nope, no problem. No problems at all. Thanks for asking, bye," Sweetie responded in haste, stepping around Diamond and making a mad dash for the library.

As she darted away, she turned back around to make sure nothing was following her only to crash into something else. Sweetie fell backward and screamed a third time as she realized that something was Diamond Tiara.

"You can’t lie to me, Sweetie Belle," Diamond said sweetly, blockading Sweetie's path once again. "I can tell something’s bothering you."

Sweetie almost went there but decided against it. She carefully stood back up, timidly replying, "N-no, really, nothing’s wrong with me. I don’t have a care in the world."

"Then why are you in such a hurry?" Diamond asked as she leaned closer, her voice flowing like honey. "Ponies that don’t care never run."

Sweetie felt like she was trapped in some sort of twisted hall of mirrors, and it didn’t look like she’d be getting out anytime soon. She decided to make up something that Diamond couldn’t laugh at to effectively pay the toll and be on her way.

"Actually I’m just, uh, late to return a library book." She reached into her backpack, grabbed the first book-like thing she felt, and dropped it on the ground.

Diamond had to pull back her smile as she curiously gazed down to verify Sweetie's claim. "Isn’t that our math book?" she asked, causing Sweetie to give it a double take, finding the words "Math Made Easy" printed across the top.

"Uh, yeah!" Sweetie stated. "I just love math so much that I got another copy from the library." Sweetie couldn't believe she had just said that. She had just given Diamond Tiara two years worth of insult material in one sentence.

"Really?" Diamond asked as Sweetie pinched her eyes shut in preparation of the barrage. "That’s pretty cool."

Sweetie peeked through her left eye, too afraid to look through both right away. "Cool? Don’t you mean it's dweeby and totally lame?"

"Are you kidding? Why would I say that?" Diamond asked as she swatted downward with her front hoof.

Sweetie opened her second eye so she could verify if she was actually speaking to Diamond Tiara. "Well, that’s what you usually say whenever I do...anything."

Diamond slid in beside the unicorn to forcefully give Sweetie her book back. "Why would I ever make such an untrue statement about my good friend?"

Sweetie carefully snagged the book and put it back in her backpack. "Well, you did-" She stopped as the Diamond’s words registered in her head. "Did you just call me your good friend?"

"You’re right. We’re so much closer than that," Diamond declared as she wrapped her front leg around the unicorn’s back, pulling her into a tight hug.

"I didn’t know we were friends," Sweetie petitioned, feeling like the mirror maze had turned into a bear trap.

"Sure you did," Diamond replied. "Haven’t you noticed? I’m always there when you’re going through a rough patch."

Sweetie took a moment to consider Diamond’s claim. "Well, yeah, but you’re usually there laughing."

"Laughing away the tears," Diamond corrected.

Sweetie’s eyes shifted as if she were signaling for help with them. "I don’t think my tears are very afraid of your laugh."

Diamond giggled at Sweetie’s response. "Oh, you’re so funny, Sweetie Belle. Tears don’t have emotions," she said, laughing some more.

Sweetie Belle didn’t understand what was happening. Diamond Tiara had just bounced a joke off her that didn’t even leave a mark, and her laughter wasn’t chafing half as much as normal. Sweetie was starting to think Apple Bloom was right about her ‘Diamond Tiara going bonkers’ theory, but that didn’t make her feel any better. "Is everything okay with you, Diamond Tiara?" she asked the giggling filly.

"Call me Diamond," she insisted. "You know what they say: Diamond is a girl’s best friend."

"Now we’re best friends?" Sweetie asked, suddenly fearing that Diamond was looking to replace Silver Spoon.

"Only if you want to be," Diamond said in a singsong tone, squeezing Sweetie like her favorite plush toy.

Sweetie gasped for air as the pony resembling Diamond Tiara finally released her. "Does it come with an extra set of lungs?" she asked.

Diamond fell into another fit of laughter, this one more than a simple string of giggling. "You’re so, so funny, Sweetie Belle." Diamond said, squeezing tighter with every ‘so’. "I’ve always liked that about you."

"Really?" Sweetie asked, suddenly imagining a horrific alternate reality where Diamond hadn’t always liked something about her.

"So, what should we do today?" Diamond asked, firmly clutching onto Sweetie Belle like she was her ticket to get on the ferris wheel.

"We?" Sweetie repeated. "You mean, like, you and me?"

"I’m not talking to that bush," Diamond teased, making Sweetie suddenly feel jealous toward shrubbery. "So, what do you want to do? Sing a song? Bounce a ball? Paint a fence? Run a marathon? You said you like math. You want to count some things?"

"Do you even like doing any of that stuff?" Sweetie asked, prompting an even louder laugh from the pink filly.

"This isn’t about me, Sweetie Belle. This is about us and what amazing friends we are." Diamond emphasized their friendship with another big squeeze.

Sweetie Belle had given up on understanding anything and just tried to focus on not suffocating from Diamond’s constricting grip.

"You must feel so lucky," Diamond said. "Having me as a best friend and getting to spend the whole entire day with me. I’m so jealous of you right now."

Sweetie suddenly knew what it felt like when Rarity was having a panic attack. "Uh, actually, I-I can’t today."

"Huh?" Diamond asked, her smile momentarily disturbed. "Why not?"

"Well, I, uh, you see..." Sweetie’s eyes darted in all directions, almost independently of each other, looking for an excuse. "I’m trying to get my cutie mark in...solitaire."

Diamond’s left eyebrow leapt up. "You mean that dumb card game that old ponies play when they’re bored? You’d rather play that than hang out with me?" she asked, her voice still strangely free of anger.

"No! No, no, no, no!" Sweetie shouted automatically, knowing what would happen if she said otherwise. "It’s just that...I really think this could be my special talent, and, you know, you can’t play it with two ponies."

Diamond said nothing. She simply looked forward like she was distracted by something shiny.

Sweetie decided to take action. "So, I guess I’ll be going then. Maybe we could be amazing friends some other time." Sweetie squirmed free from Diamond’s grasp and nimbly rushed toward the library, making sure to face forward so Diamond didn’t end up in front of her again. However, she froze in place as she heard a melancholy sigh behind her, turning back around to see Diamond looking sadly at the dirt.

"Is something wrong...Diamond?" Sweetie asked, the words tasting strangely in her mouth.

"It’s nothing," Diamond replied. "I just wanted to do something nice to make up for all those mean things I said this morning, but I guess you’re too busy for that."

"You mean, that’s all this is about?" Sweetie asked, starting to feel guilty about trying to run off.

Diamond turned away as her ears fell flat. "I was even going to offer to help earn your cutie mark, but I guess you’re not interested." She started walking away as Sweetie raised her hoof to protest.

"Diamond, wait!" she shouted, causing Diamond to turn back and give her a questioning look. Sweetie couldn't hold eye contact and looked to the ground to timidly ask, "You...really want to help me earn my cutie mark?"

Diamond’s smile rose from the dead, and she zipped back to Sweetie’s side before the unicorn could even blink. "I knew you'd come around," she proclaimed as she wrapped her leg back around Sweetie and started dragging her forward. "I hope you’re not too set on being a blank flank forever, because today’s the last day you’ll have one."

"Uh, thanks?" Sweetie replied as best as she could while having the life squeezed out of her.

"Now let’s go get you something sweet to eat," Diamond said.

"But I already tried getting a sweet-eating cutie mark," Sweetie said.

Diamond laughed again. "It’s not for your cutie mark. I just want to buy my friend a little treat."

Sweetie's mind practically split in two. Those words weren’t meant to come out of Diamond Tiara’s mouth. Hearing them actually do so felt like watching a bank robber donating money to charity. Sweetie wasn’t sure how to feel about it, but if it meant free dessert, she wasn’t about to complain.

"So what are you feeling like?" Diamond asked, victoriously sticking her nose up. "Croquembouche? Tiramisu? Seven-layer chocolate ganache cake?"

"Actually," Sweetie said, the enticing colors of a nearby sign catching her eye, "I could go for some ice cream."

What Did You Call Me?

Chpt. 17 - What Did You Call Me?

Tuesday, April 1

Fluttershy stirred as the sunlight rapped against her eyelids, and raised her head off the thick, hardback book she was using as a pillow. She wiped the sleepiness out of her eyes, and the purple carpeting of the Carousel Boutique came into view.

At first she was puzzled as to what she was doing at Rarity's and why she had been sleeping on a book, but she came right back into the know as she became aware of the creature lying beside her.

"Oh, Fluttershy," she said, bringing her hoof to her forehead. "Why did you have to lie down?" As she pulled her hoof away, she was greeted a sudden and complete blindness that caused her to shout and topple over. She quickly recovered, placing her hoof over her mouth and lifting the sticky note out of her eyes to check if she had woken the snoozing creature. After verifying he was still asleep, she peeled the note off her forehead and looked it over.

Dearest Fluttershy,

I know it's early, but there's a dire matter of utmost importance that I need to sort out, and I simply cannot afford to procrastinate. I'm terribly sorry to trouble you like this, but could you look after Mork for me until I get back?

Thanks ever so much,
Rarity

Impressed that her friend had managed to fit such a lengthy note on such a small piece of paper, Fluttershy turned her attention to her new responsibility, attempting to shake the note off her hoof as she looked at him more closely.

Mork appeared undisturbed, still resting on Rarity's guest mat just as he had been the previous night, everything but his head wrapped up underneath the largest blanket Rarity could find. He was lying on his back, a large bubble coming out of his nose, its size alternating in rhythm with his blatant snoring.

"Twilight said he should be better after a full night's sleep," she whispered to herself. "I sure hope she's right." She placed her hoof on his forehead, and softly pressed it down, causing Mork's to stick his tongue out. Much to her relief, it was the same shade of blue it had been when she first saw him in Mr. Rich's house, without a single green spot to be found. She tongue snapped back into his mouth, causing her to step back in surprise, but not as much surprise as she got when she looked down at what she stepped on.

Fortunately, it didn't look like she damaged Mork's hammer in any way, but that didn't stop her from immediately jerking her back hoof away from it. She wasn't sure what Mork's exact relation to that hammer was, but she found it difficult to believe it truly belonged to him. Just touching it sent a malicious chill up her spine, and looking at it wasn't much easier. She couldn't imagine someone as friendly and defenseless as Mork using something so dangerous and scary, especially while he was sleeping like this. She watched as he rolled onto his side, his nose bubble bouncing around without popping as it hit the floor. Then she noticed something off about his wrist.

"Rainbow Dash," she said, her voice full of disappointment as she stared at his broken watch. She looked to the floor with uncertainty before an optimistic smile spread across her face. "I'm sure he'll understand," she said. "We'll just get him a new watch and everything will be fine." She held her smile for a few more seconds, then threw her forelegs over her eyes as she dropped to the floor. "What am I saying? That watch could have been a priceless family heirloom. Who do I think I am suggesting to buy him something to replace it?" She sighed and pried the sticky note off her face again. "Now he's never going to want to come back, and there was so much we never got to do."

She reached over and picked up her book. "I didn't even get a chance to read him a bedtime story last night." She paused to wipe away the drool stains on the cover. "Do they have bedtime stories where you come from?" Mork rolled over to face the other way as she glanced at him again.

Fluttershy smiled. "I bet your dad reads them to you all the time from that little cloud of his. I'm sure you'd love this one. It's about a beaver and a flamingo that can't get along, but then they find out how much they have in common and become the best of friends. It's Angel's absolute favorite."

Fluttershy's smile was wiped clean off her face, her eye twitching as the book slipped out of her hooves and silently fell onto the silk carpeting. "Angel," she repeated, the word feeling acidic on her tongue.

She ran over to the window, looking up to the sun to gauge the time. "My poor little Angel! I promised I'd make it up to him. I said I'd do whatever he wanted. He didn't want me to leave!" She looked back to the still sleeping Mork and walked over to him. "Mork," she said sweetly, "you could behave yourself for just a few minutes, right?" He slid his other arm out from under the blanket, his glove nearly touching the note still stuck to Fluttershy's leg.

Fluttershy brought the note back up to look it at. "Oh, you're right. Rarity is counting on me." She looked to the door. "But Angel hasn't had his breakfast yet. What if he runs away? He's not supposed to run on an empty stomach." She pinched her eyes shut as she tried to think of a solution, but froze as something small and hairy landed on front of her mane.

It was about as heavy as a stuffed animal, and it bounced to the top of her head not a second after landing. Fluttershy clenched her teeth together, her entire body going stiff as sweat dripped down her cheek. She slowly brought her eyes over to Rarity's full body mirror to find there was a large, black spider perched atop her mane, dangling from a web that hung from the ceiling.

Fluttershy let out a breath of relief. "I'm sorry, Mister Spider, I thought you were someone else." She gave it a second glance. "You wouldn't mind watching Mork for a few minutes, would you?"

The spider stood motionless for a few seconds before pulling itself back up to the ceiling. Fluttershy sighed, closing her eyes as she heard a soft whine. Instinctively responding to the noise, she looked back to Mork to find him clutching tightly to his blanket, his face distraught and his formerly round bubble now looking more like a gelatinous ball of spikes.

"Mork, you—are you having a nightmare?" she asked, checking his temperature again. "Was it something I said?"

His eyes still closed, Mork outstretched his exposed arm and grabbed hold of the hammer laying right behind her, pulling it toward himself. She squeaked as he made a lazy, backhanded swipe with it, ducking right before it smacked her across the face. As he brought it around for a second swing, she grabbed onto the handle with her mouth, losing her balance as she pried it away from him and crashed into the dresser behind him, the hammer firmly clenched in her teeth.

As she collided with the dresser, a roll of orange fabric that had been set on top of it fell, bouncing off her head and unrolling itself along the floor, covering Mork as it headed for the door. Fluttershy let go of the hammer to ask Mork if he was okay but paused as she noticed a balloon-like object rising and falling underneath the fabric.

"Maybe I should hold onto this for now," she said, picking up the hammer again.

Just then, the front door burst open with an explosion of monochrome ribbons, setting the tone as Pinkie Pie sprung into the doorway. She was dressed as a mime, wearing a black beret and white makeup, and she wasted no time before pulling out her trumpet and blasting a deafening note, letting the fabric roll past her and out into the streets after she hovered above the ground. "Happy April Foal's Day, Fluttershy!" she shouted after finishing.

Fluttershy lifted her ears off her head, but made no reply as she crawled out from under the table. Her attention and confusion went straight toward the fabric-covered lump that continued to rise and fall.

"Ooh, what's that?" Pinkie asked, sliding in beside her. "Is Rarity's new carpet blowing a bubble? Can I pop it?" She reached out to poke it, but Fluttershy was quick on the draw to stop her.

"Pinkie, no," she said, switching to a whisper. "You'll wake him up." She gave him a second glance. "At least, I think you will."

"Wake up the carpet?" Pinkie asked. "Oh, I get it. The old 'pretend the carpet's alive' gag. Classic." She pantomimed a lasso and threw it over the fabric, tugging it away as she pulled it back to reveal the creature sleeping underneath.

"Wow, Mork," Pinkie said. "You can pull pranks even while you're asleep." She leaned forward and whispered, "But you might want to stick to doing them awake. That one wasn't very good."

"Pinkie, what are you doing here?" Fluttershy asked, looking her over. "And why are you dressed like that?"

"Well, I was going to dress as a clown, but I already used my clown costume to..." She caught sight of herself in the mirror, frowned, and unstraightened her beret. "Anyway, I just thought I'd stop by to give you and Mork invitations to his party tonight." She pulled out two party invitations, placing one on Fluttershy's nose and the other on Mork's nose bubble.

"Tonight?" Fluttershy asked.

"Yeah!" Pinkie pulled out her planner. "I had it scheduled for this morning, but I had to reschedule it to to make time for Filthy's cheer-up celebration. He seemed really stressed last night, so I thought I should throw him one ASAP. Then I remembered today was April Foal's Day and I had to re-reschedule it. I can't miss out on all that pranking. Can you imagine? That's why I saved the nighttime for Mork's party, after the day is over." She bounced over Mork and headed back to the front door. "I'll see you both there, and I'm sure Filthy will wanna come too after I cheer him up and everything."

"Mork's going home later today."

Pinkie crashed into an invisible wall before reaching the door, turning around with a frantic mood about her. "What? What do you mean he's going home? He just got here!"

"I know, but we have to send him home," Fluttershy said, her eyes falling to the floor. "Didn't Twilight tell you? We found out Mork's dad can speak just like we can even though Mork can't."

Pinkie gasped. "You mean Mork's stupid?"

"No, Pinkie, he's just young. Too young to speak. That's why we have to send him home. We can't keep someone that young away from his family."

"We can be his family," Pinkie said, already back over by them. "Here, put this on." She slapped a false mustache above Fluttershy's lip.

"Pinkie…"

Pinkie sighed. "You're right, Fluttershy. I guess I'll have to re-re-schedule his party. Is he leaving soon? Maybe I can throw him a going away party."

"We're sending him home right after the princess introduces him to the town. She should be here in about an hour."

"An hour? That leaves me less than no time!" She opened an invisible door and stepped into it. "I'll see you both later. I've got some major schedule conflicts to take care of." She slammed the door shut, disappearing from the room altogether.

Peeling the mustache off her face, Fluttershy tried in vain to shake it off her hoof, reminding her of Rarity's equally sticky note still attached to her other hoof. She took a seat next to Mork's makeshift bed, deciding to wait for him to wake up. She was beginning to fear the hushroom he had been forcefed was having some kind of permanent sleep inducing effect on him, but something aside from that was bugging her even more. It felt as though she had forgotten something important again, something that she couldn't afford to forget.

Though the first time it had hit her like a fork in the back of her head, this time it came crashing down on her like an entire drawer of silverware, because this time her memory didn't remind her. This time, her reminder showed up at the front door.

"Angel!" Fluttershy said, disregarding her volume as she leapt over Mork to race across the room. "Thank goodness you're okay. I was so worried." Her greeting was met with a swift slap to the face by the newspaper in Angel's possession. He dropped it to the floor and turned away.

"Okay, I deserved that," she said, turning him around again. "Let me make it up to you. I can...I can finish that ice sculpture. I know you still want that, right?" Angel's face lit up as he vigorously nodded in agreement. Then he held up a tiny cube in his paw, about the size of a grape, before dropping all semblance of joy on his face.

"I can...get more ice." She flinched as the ice cube was thrown against her head, frowning as she looked back to find Angel facing the other way again.

"Would you at least mind telling me how you found me?" Fluttershy asked. Angel pointed down to the newspaper he had weaponized without turning around, prompting Fluttershy to look it over.

She skimmed over the title and article, becoming more engrossed the more she read. "How did this story not make the front page? Anyway, Angel isn't there something I can—" As she glanced back to the doorway, she found her beloved pet was no longer in front of her.

Confused, Fluttershy looked turned around to find Angel standing by Mork. In his paws, he was holding a blue hammer about as large as his own body and had managed to raise it up in preparation to bring it down on top of a certain head of orange hair.

"Angel!" Fluttershy dove across the room and snatched the hammer out of the rabbit's grip in her mouth, finally getting him to turn toward her. She let it fall out of her mouth to say, "Angel, I am shocked. What did he ever do to you?"

Angel matched her disappointed glare with one of his own, pointing to the green hardcover book beside them.

Fluttershy's ears fell as she realized what he was getting at. "Oh...your storytime. This time I really did forget, didn't I? I'm sorry, Angel. Can you ever forgive me?"

Angel pondered for a moment, eventually casting a dubious eye on Mork.

"Oh, you don't have to worry about that. Mork's not my new pet. He's just a new friend. Like Discord." She had to react quickly to grab the hammer back as Angel snatched it up again. "Okay, maybe not exactly like Discord."

Angel turned his back to her again, and Fluttershy dejectedly dropped the hammer out of her mouth. "Please, Angel, I'll do whatever you want. Just please stop ignoring me. I can't handle it."

Angel leered back at her, his gaze softening as he caught sight of her. She was staring at him at eye-level, her lips trembling as a few stray tears rolled down her face. Angel turned right around and embraced her, a smile finally appearing on his face.

"That's my little Angel," Fluttershy said, wiping her tears away. She soon felt Angel's presence disappear and opened her eyes to see him hopping over to the door. He motioned her to follow as he reached the doorway.

"You want me to leave?" She looked at the note still stuck to her hoof, then at Mork. He had still shown no signs of even coming close to waking up, and it was beginning to look like it would take Twilight's magic to do so. In that case, it seemed her decision had already been made for her.

"I'm sorry, Rarity." She turned to walk out, stopping as she nearly tripped over Mork's hammer. She noticed how close it was to Mork and considered what would happen if he were to have another nightmare after she left. "I'll give it back after he wakes up. I'm sure he won't mind." She picked up the hammer and uneasily made her way over to the front door, glancing back as she walked every few seconds.

"I'm sorry, Mork," she said. With a spiteful grin, Angel stuck out his tongue and slammed the door shut.

The door flew open as Rarity burst into the library, three large suitcases floating in behind her. "Twilight!" she said, her exasperation drawing her friend's attention away from her book. "I need your help. It's an emergency."

Twilight gasped, dropping her book to grab a large stick with her magic. "Tell me what happened, Rarity. I'm ready for anything."

"It's Mork," Rarity said, garnering more of Twilight's attention. "He...he stole all my hats."

"He what?" Spike raced down the stairs and jumped onto Twilight's back. "What a total creep."

"He stole all your hats?" Twilight repeated, looking at her in confusion. "Every single one?"

"That's right!" Rarity said, looking more distressed by the second. "And when I went to buy more, he had stolen the store as well. It was the most terrifying dream I've had since I was a little filly."

Twilight and Spike looked at each other. "A dream?" Twilight asked, setting her stick down. "He stole your hats in a dream you had last night?" Her friend nodded, not losing one ounce of seriousness. "No offense, but how exactly is that an emergency?"

"Well, I suppose 'emergency' might be a bit strong," Rarity said, glancing at her bags, "but seeing as how his fingers are on the sticky side, I thought it would be a good idea to…help reduce the temptation." She opened her suitcases and dumped their contents out onto a nearby table before offering Twilight a pleading smile.

Twilight stared up at the mountain of hats on her table, looking dubiously at her friend. "You know, Rarity, if you don't trust Mork, Spike and I could watch him until the princess gets here."

"We could?" Spike asked, getting a frown from Twilight.

"Yes, we could," Twilight said. "And if something comes up, I'm sure Fluttershy would be happy to—"

"No, no." Rarity lifted her head. "I don't want to burden you or Fluttershy any more than necessary. I told the princess that I would look after him while he's here, and I am a lady of my word. Besides, what kind of heartless monster would I be if I sent him away after he gave me such a magnificent gift yesterday?"

"It was a pretty nice gift," Spike said, licking his lips.

Rarity cleared her throat. "Yes, and regardless of Spike eating half of it, I think Mork has more than paid for his room and board. As far as I'm concerned, he's welcome in my boutique anytime." She looked to her mountain. "Provided I have time to relocate my hats first."

"What makes you think he'll stop at hats?" Spike asked, grabbing a red bicorne from the pile.

"Spike," Twilight said, signalling him to stop talking.

Spike looked away, squeezing the hat tightly in his claws. "Uh, I mean, I'm sure there's nothing to worry about, Rarity. Hey, is that a fedora?" He dove into the pile of satin and silk, disappearing into it.

"Spike does make a valid point," Rarity said. "Mork's already stolen something once. How do we know he won't make a habit of it? How do we know he hasn't already? I still don't know where he was keeping that hammer of his."

Twilight opened her mouth to respond, but her words were stalled as the vision of Mork's smirk from Twinklespark wormed its way into her head. After a brief phase of silence, Twilight shook the image out of her head and gave her answer. "Don't worry about it, Rarity. We already know he's not evil. He's probably too young to know what stealing even is. He does think we're lollipops, after all."

"That is rather adorable," Rarity said with a giggle. "It reminds me of Sweetie Belle when she was that age."

"Not as adorable as me, though, right?" Spike asked, popping out of the pile with a beanie on his head.

"Oh, what could be more adorable than you, Spikey-Wikey?" Rarity said, squeezing his cheeks together. "But that hat doesn't suit you." She flipped it off his head. "You need something that brings out those ravishing scales of yours. Let me see here."

Twilight chuckled as Rarity meticulously searched through her collection of hats. "Don't take too long, you two. We still have to make sure we're ready for when the princess gets here."

"Quite right," Rarity said, placing a miniature sombrero on Spike's head. "I suppose I should be getting back to watching Mork as well. What time did I need to bring him to town hall again?"

"I just got a letter from the princess this morning" Twilight held the scroll up. "She said she'd be arriving at nine sharp. That leaves us about forty-five minutes to wake him up and bring him there." Twilight put her hoof to her chin. "I guess I better check with Mayor Mare to see if she's prepared town hall for the ceremony."

Spike stopped admiring his hat in the mirror and leapt into the air with a shout.

"Spike, what's wrong?" Rarity asked, inspecting his hat. "Is it too summer?"

"Uh, no, it's just fine." Spike said, scratching his face. "Forget I screamed anything."

Twilight looked at him askance. "Spike, do I need to cast my new spell on you again?" She grinned mischievously.

"N-no, I—" Spike took a step away from her. "I was just thinking about Rarity's dream. It sounded way scary." Rarity gave him an acknowledging pat on the head.

"I see," Twilight said. "Well, in that case…" Her horn lit up and she fired a beam of purple light his way. The spell was too quick for him to dodge and hit him square in the forehead, creating a bright flash of light that encompassed the entire room and then quickly vanished.

Spike opened his eyes again after the light faded, not a scale out of place after being hit with the spell. He looked up with a grimace as a white cloud soon manifested over his head, and another Spike appeared on it.

The cloudbound Spike grabbed his tail to comfort himself and said, "I promised the Mayor I'd get her chalkboard back from Cheerilee and I forgot."

The real Spike crossed his arms. "Tattletale."

"My, my, my," Rarity said, looking up at the cloud. "You learned how to perform Mork's cloud thinking spell in one night? I must say, I'm impressed, Twilight."

"It wasn't easy," Twilight said. "I had to look into some of the oldest books in this library to figure out how it worked. Who would have guessed that combining a cloud-making spell with a mind-reading spell could be so useful?"

"Useful?" Cloud Spike asked. "More like obnoxious. It's like putting your thoughts onstage for everypony to see. Who'd ever want that?"

"So the Spike on the cloud will say whatever the real Spike is thinking?" Rarity asked, her hoof going straight through the cloud as she poked it.

"Sort of," Twilight said. "It's kind of a weird spell. It works like that for the first sentence, but after that, it's like whatever's on the cloud takes on a mind of its own."

Cloud Spike reached down and grabbed Spike's sombrero, putting it on his own head. "So Rarity, have I told you how beautiful you look this morning?" He arched his eyebrow and leaned his head out of the cloud.

"See what I mean?" Twilight asked.

"Hey, knock it off already," Spike said, grabbing his hat back and shoving his doppelganger back into the cloud. Twilight and Rarity laughed at the sight.

"I know one thing though," Twilight said. "The princess was absolutely right about Mork. Thought projection, instantaneous cleanup, enhanced physical strength, if he's already mastered spells like these at such a young age, he must be some kind of magical prodigy where he's from. Imagine what sorts of spells his parents might know."

The two Spikes rolled their eyes, and the real one said, "Yeah, yeah, Mork's the best thing since edible soap. Now can we turn off the brain monitor already?"

"Right, sorry, Spike." Twilight zapped Spike's forehead again, causing the cloud to evaporate into the air. "Now what do you have to say for yourself about this chalkboard business? You know better than to break a promise."

Spike tensed up, breaking eye contact with her. "You're not mad at me, are you?"

Twilight shook her head. "No, I'm not mad. I just want the truth. Why didn't you return the chalkboard?"

"The...truth?" Spike grabbed onto his tail as he started to sweat. "Can we go back to talking about Mork?"

"Spike..." Twilight's horn lit up as she narrowed her eyes.

Spike put his arms over his face in response to the threat. "Okay, okay. I was on my way to take care of it when Rarity asked me to sneak out of Ponyville with her and find those gems. You know I couldn't say no to that."

Rarity became alert as Twilight looked to her for confirmation. "What? Spike, I never…" She froze as she caught his change in expression as she looked over to him. His claws were clasped together, his teeth were clenched, and his eyes were practically blinding her with a pleading insistence. "I never said we were 'sneaking out'. I just said it would be better if Twilight didn't find out." She smiled sheepishly at Twilight. "You're not mad at me for that, are you?"

Twilight sighed. "No, I'm not mad at you either. I should have been more understanding about your problem instead of dismissing it as nothing. I shouldn't have made you feel like you needed to sneak out of Ponyville."

"So we can put yesterday behind us then?" Rarity said hopefully.

Twilight smiled. "That sounds like a good idea. We've still got five days left to protect the Elements, and we can't let anything distract us. We just need to keep our wits about us and stay focused on what's important."

"I agree," Rarity said, walking toward the door. "I think I'll start by dressing up Mork in something suitable for his official Ponyville debut. How do you think he'd look in mauve?"

"That reminds me," Spike said, sidestepping past Twilight, "I better go see Cheerilee about that chalkboard."

"But Spike, we only have a little over half an hour before the princess gets here. I need your help to make sure I didn't forget anything."

Spike opened the door. "It won't take long. I'll meet up with you at town hall." He dashed outside without another word.

"As will I," Rarity said, backing outside. "Again, thank you for looking after my hats, Twilight. Take care." She shut the door and turned to face Spike. He had run a distance away from the library and was looking at a shrub beside him.

"Now, Spike," she said quietly as she approached him. "Would you be so kind as to tell me why you wanted me to lie to our friend Twilight?" She received no response. He didn't even turn around.

"Spike?" she asked as she got closer. "What's the matter?"

Spike still said nothing after she reached him. He just raised his arm and pointed at the bush.

Rarity looked to where he was pointing to find a rainbow-maned, powder-faced pony with a red nose and floppy shoes lying on the other side, totally asleep. The two of them walked through the bush to reach her and stared down in silence. Eventually, Rarity turned to the dragon and said, "Spike, you are my witness. I had nothing to do this."

"We should probably wake her up," Spike said, an idea forming as he took off his hat and placed it on Rainbow's head. The second he did so, Rainbow's eyes shot open.

"I said no goofy hats!" she shouted, leaping off the ground. She took a moment to get her bearings before pointing a hoof at Spike. "You!" She tackled him to the ground and stared down at him. "I've been up all night searching for which one of Fluttershy's pets took my necklace. Which one was it, huh? Angel? Batty? Pigeontoe? Was it that crafty-looking flamingo of hers? Tell me right now!"

Spike blinked, not sure whether to be intimidated or burst out laughing and finding it difficult to do either.

"Rainbow Dash, get off him," Rarity said, separating the two. "Now just what on earth happened to you? Why are you—" She let out a shout as she spotted the missing article on Rainbow's neck, which Rainbow promptly silenced with a hoof to the mouth.

"Rarity, I can explain," Rainbow said.

Removing Rainbow's hoof, Rarity turned around. "Spike, you told me she found it already. We have to tell Twilight before—"

Rainbow covered her mouth again. "Twilight doesn't need to know anything. I've got it under control."

"Really?" Rarity asked, pushing her hoof away. "Did Twilight cast a spell on your necklace to make it invisible to everypony?"

Rainbow grimaced. "Well, no, but..."

"Then you most certainly do not have it under control. How could you let this happen, Rainbow Dash?"

"I know. I know." Rainbow banged her head against a nearby tree. "I'm irresponsible, I'm selfish, and I doomed Equestria, but Twilight's gonna write that on every birthday card she gives me for the rest of my life if you tell her what happened. Please don't tell her, Rarity. Let me clean up my own mess."

"But this isn't your mess, Rainbow Dash. It affects all of us, and by that I mean all of us. We can't afford to take this lightly." She turned back toward the library. "I'm sorry Rainbow, but if your necklace is still lost, Twilight needs to—"

"Rarity, wait! You can't tell her!"

"Rainbow Dash, honestly. I understand how you feel, but—" Rarity stopped as she realized it wasn't Rainbow's voice she had just heard. She looked down to see the purple dragon looking up at her with the same pleading eyes he had earlier, his claws wrapped around her leg.

"Please don't tell Twilight," he said. "Please."

"What are you talking about, Spike? Whose side are you on here?"

Spike shook his head. "You don't understand, Rarity. Twilight can't find out about this. Every time she gets angry, she gets these terrible headaches and blows up. The madder she gets, the more she loses control. If she finds out about this, she won't just blow up. She'll explode."

Rarity raised an eyebrow. "What's the difference?"

"I mean one of them literally."

"I understand your concern, Spike, but if Rainbow's necklace is missing—"

"It's not missing!" Rainbow said, flying above her. "Spike knows where it is, right?"

"Well, not exactly," Spike said, scratching the dirt with his foot. "But I know who took it, and I think I know who knows where they went."

"You see, Rarity?" Rainbow said, letting out a yawn. "Spike and I got this all taken care of. We'll have it back before lunch, no problem.

Rarity pondered their proposal. "But what about Twilight, Spike? She needs her number one assistant."

Spike's eyes welled up as he lowered his head. "I know, but...this is something I need. I just can't shake this feeling. I had the necklace in my claws yesterday, and I let it get stolen from me. I wanna clean up my mess too. Can you cover for me, Rarity?"

"Me? But I—" She flinched as Spike's pleading eyes came back. "Fine, fine. Just please stop looking at me like that. I'll give you both until the end of the day to find Rainbow's necklace. If you can't find it by then, we have to tell Twilight."

"Deal," Rainbow said, raising her leg to shake on it. "What the—" She spotted the oversized shoe on her hoof and groaned. "Pinkie Pie."

"Oh, and would you mind stopping by my boutique and asking Fluttershy to bring Mork to town hall, placing special emphasis on how sorry I am?"

Rainbow groaned. "Fine, get on, Spike. If you're coming with me, I'm not letting you slow me down."

"Aren't you gonna take the clown stuff off?" Spike asked as he got on.

"Nuh-uh," Rainbow said. "Number one rule of April Foal's Day. You get pranked, you stay pranked 'till the sun goes down." She sighed and looked up drearily. "No exceptions."

Rainbow heaved herself off the ground with a yawn and the two took off, whooshing away at the speed of a balloon taking off as Rarity waved good-bye.

Rarity reentered the library, and Twilight turned to her after finishing charging up the disco ball hanging from her ceiling. "What's wrong, Rarity? Need me to watch over your horseshoes too?"

Rarity pretended to laugh. "Actually, Spike wanted me to tell you that he remembered another errand he forgot to do yesterday. He said it would take him at least the rest of the day to finish it."

"The whole day?" Twilight asked. "But who's going to help me with all the work I have to do? I have over six-hundred different forcefields and magical barriers to experiment with today, and I need someone to help me categorize them by effectiveness."

"Rainbow Dash, you owe me big time for this," Rarity mumbled to herself. "Would it be okay if I filled his role?" she suggested.

"You? But what about Mork and Fluttershy? What about your promise to the princess?"

"I'm sure the princess will understand if I were to take a little break to help out a friend, and I know Fluttershy won't mind. You know how she is with exotic animals. She wouldn't leave Mork's side unless somepony asked her to."

Over the years, I've come to form the opinion that dreaming and being awake are two entirely different matters. It's still only a theory of mine, but as far as I understand, dreams don't follow the laws of reality. I can fall off a fifty-foot bridge and land on lava-coated barbed wire as a radioactive elephant falls on top of me and walk away without a scratch, but unless I'm dreaming, I'm going to have stagger around with my tongue hanging out after it's all said and done. That's the true beauty of a dream. It can't hurt you because none of it's real.

I wanted to believe Equestria was a dream world, a place where I could bring my dream to life and quench the expanding desert of my childhood fantasies. Unfortunately, Equestria had no place for dreams unless they were weird ones involving giant versions of people's roommates, and I was treated to a dreamless slumber until the eventual rude awakening of the morning.

I knew they weren't exactly an industrial society, but I thought they had at least invented the alarm clock or the rooster. Instead, the wakeup call they had prepared for me was the repetitive sensation of hair brushing up against my nose and irritating my pimple with each passing.

My sleep bubble popped as I opened my eyes to the sight of Diamondback's cat pacing around on my chest, her tail colliding with my face every time she spun around and her expression painfully complacent.

Had I woken up to this scenario the day before, I would have jumped to the conclusion that the cat was preparing to transform into a tornado that would send me hurtling across the room with a chance of inflicting dizziness. However, that morning I woke up to find a cat with minimal tornado powers trying to find a comfortable spot on my shirt.

Reminds me why I stopped sleeping outside.

The cat soon settled down for a nap before I had to resort to any chucking or flinging. I didn't want to admit it, but the environment I had woken up to was downright utopian. The classical music was almost paralyzingly calm without any screaming drowning it out. The swarm of Diamondback's voodoo dolls around me added some charming creepiness to the place and were just as silent and nostalgic as a certain other horse-like figure I could mention. All it was missing was Fluttershy's voice, but unfortunately, something had removed her from the premises. It didn't matter to me that much, though. Not even peace or quiet was going to cheer me up now.

The book Fluttershy had slept on was still there, and next to it was what looked like a party invitation with my name on it, no doubt one of the many Twilight had planned for me. I didn't want to think about it, so I turned my attention elsewhere and caught something lying next to the front door, which had finally reverted to its natural state of repair. It looked like a newspaper, and after stretching out my arms a bit, I found that it was. The date at the top claimed I had finally broken free from the shackles of Monday and entered the month of April.

Woohoo.

Having nothing better to do, I looked over the article, just hoping it had nothing to do with any plants.

A mysterious orange-haired beast of unknown origin was seen rampaging through town yesterday morning, causing quite a bit of commotion and mild property damage. However, unlike a number of other monsters that have invaded our peaceful streets, it would seem that this one is just an excitable tourist from a far-off land.

"He's our guest," local librarian Twilight Sparkle said when interrogated about the creature in question. She went on to say that the esteemed Princess Celestia will be making a ceremonial appearance this morning to formally introduce the creature to the town before his departure later today. Until then, he is believed to be staying at the local Carousel Boutique, where the store's proprietor, whose name we have been unable to confirm, is watching after him.

Following the creature's initial rampage, no further incidents with the creature have been reported, though there have been several confirmed sightings of the creature casually strolling through town wearing laughably opulent clothing. Many are speculating him to be a travelling circus performer or a foreign ruler's court jester. Either way, it would seem that April Foal's Day arrived in Ponyville early this year, but the attempted joke fell completely flat.

I crumpled the paper up and threw it across the room. It was just as I suspected. Monsters were as common in this town as they were in your average metropolis, and the closest I was getting were bad puns. That was the camel breaker. I refused to subject myself to fake supernature for one more second. This game was over.

"All right," I said, filling the room with a voice I almost forgot was my own. "You win, Princess. You win and I lose. You can send me home now."

There was no response other than the cat opening an eye.

"Come on. Use your amazing powers and bring back the floating goo. Gloat about how much better you are than me. I know you want to. I know how much fun it is."

"Unbelievable."

I groaned as I heard the voice, reluctantly leaning off my mat and forcing the witch's pet off my chest to face it head-on. I cast a sour glare over my shoulder only to get a stick in my head as a reward.

"Ow!" I shouted, grabbing my ear. "What are you—" My protests were interrupted as a tiny hand yanked my mouth clean off my face.

"You can have this back after you learn how to use it properly," Devil Me said, smacking my lips against the top of my head.

How about you keep it and we switch places?

"I don't think so," Devil Me said, putting my mouth into his hammerspace. "Even this job beats being a horse's pet."

"Now, Iddy, don't be like that." Angel Me's voice echoed through the room before he appeared in a flash of light on his favorite shoulder. "At least they're good pet owners."

That better be a joke, or I will find a way to bite you.

"Don't feel bad...Mork," Angel Me said, hiccuping a giggle at the name. "There's nothing wrong with being a pet. Look, you even have a playmate." He pointed to the edge of the mat where the cat was playing with my shoelace again.

"And to think you almost decided not to come here," Devil Me said, lying flat on his stomach in midair with his chin resting on his palms.

I'm not their pet. I'm just—

"You're just acting like one so you don't have to talk to anyone," Devil Me said, rolling his eyes. "You think that's making me any less of a laughingstock at the office?"

"Ignore him," Angel Me said, keeping his voice down. "He hasn't been to the office in three years. He's just upset because he lost a bet with your roommate's conscience." He had to duck to barely dodge the bolt of fire that sailed right between his halo and his head.

"Am I going to have to take your mouth next?" Devil Me asked, pointing his smoking pitchfork at Angel Me's face.

You know, not that I'm not overjoyed to see you two, but why are you here? I know you didn't transcend the dimensional barrier just to give me the usual spiel, especially on a holiday.

"Don't be a grouch," Angel Me said. "We come bearing good news. Don't we, Iddy?"

"Go punch the sun," he said, folding his arms as he turned away from both of us.

"Ta-da!" Angel Me handed me a pink piece of paper, creased in two places as if it had come from an envelope. My curiosity won the coin toss, and I gave it a look.

I thought you said you had good news. This a letter from The Board.

"Keep reading. It gets better," Angel Me said, rubbing his hands together with glee as I skimmed over the rest.

This is a prank, right? Did Devil Me talk you into this? I thought you weren't allowed to give into peer pressure.

"It's perfectly serious," Angel Me said, Devil Me's silence confirming his sincerity. "You're the first person from your world to ever come to Equestria, and the good members of The Board want you to be the official representative."

I fell back onto my pillow, throwing my hands over my face.

Angel Me patted me on the head. "I know you're nervous, but there's nothing to be afraid of. They're not expecting much. They didn't even assign you a role. If you want, you can just keep on being their loyal pet for a few days and you'll more than meet their requirements."

Devil Me's proud, unrestrained laughter destroyed whatever optimistic mood Angel Me was going for. As his laughter came to an end, he began twirling his pitchfork between two of his fingers. "Yeah, no, he won't be doing that."

"You're so boring, Iddy," Angel Me said, floating over to the other shoulder. "Why does he always have to be mean? Why can't he do something cute for a change?"

"Always?" Devil Me asked in exasperation. "He hasn't been mean since he started his stupid psychology studies. He can't even open his mouth without saying something respectful, and he's not getting it back until he knocks it off. Besides, have you seen this place? It can't handle any more cute. It's desperately in need of some conflict, and he's got a lot of ground to cover to make up for yesterday."

"He did great yesterday. He does so much better acting as an animal than a person with manners."

"He needs to stop acting like something and start being someone. Maybe then I'd actually put this job on my resumé."

"As if you could even find a job other than this. You can't even touch type—"

The explosive fireworks of a piece of paper being torn in half stole their attention away. I held the two pieces of the letter in my hands as I directed all my frustration toward them through my eyes. Once silence returned, I tore the letter to shreds like my hands were made of sawblades, throwing up the resulting confetti and letting it rain down.

"I was going to frame that," Angel Me said, sadly grabbing one of the pieces out of the air. I grabbed hold of him and held him up to my face like a hand mirror.

I'm only going to think this once: I'm not being their pet. I'm not being their enemy. I'm not going to their party. I'm not being introduced to the town. I want nothing to do with this place. Not anymore. I'm going home.

Angel Me gasped. Devil Me grabbed me by the shirt collar and pulled me forward. "Are you out of your mind? You can't skip out on crossover duty. The Board'll put you on a bus for that."

Not a magic bus, though. Sounds good to me.

I took back control of my shirt and let go of Angel Me, loosing the cat from my shoelace so I could stand up. Angel Me was in my face within seconds.

"Hang on a second," he said. "Don't you want to figure out the story behind those two cloned fillies? Or why those strange marks are called postage stamps? Or whether or not the anti-magic resistance can overthrow that obnoxious princess?"

Magic spell, magic's stupid, magic wins. Can I go now?

A constraining band of leather wrapping around my neck answered my question before Devil Me could say "absolutely not." He jerked back on the leash, forcefully tugging me inches away from his face. "You've already embarrassed me enough. There's no way I'm letting you run away from this fight before it even starts."

You heard Fluttershy. No fighting allowed.

"Good boy," Angel Me said, earning my chagrin as he favorably scratched my head. "I knew you had at least some manners in you."

It was a joke.

"Are you sure?" Devil Me asked, false innocence in his tone. "You're such good friends with them now I couldn't tell."

I told you. We're not friends. None of them know my real name, and some of them don't even like me.

Devil Me snorted. "You mean the two-faced, little dairy product with even less relevance than you? Why don't you just get that pillow to hate your guts while you're at it?"

Hey, Diamondback and Rainbow Dash despised me plenty.

"Yeah, they sure did," he said, picking up the crumpled newspaper to unfold it. "But unless they've got a thing against court jesters, I think that window's closed."

What do you want from me? I had adventure vision yesterday. I could be this town's worst nightmare if I wanted to be.

"Really now? You? Antagonize something?" He pulled out my lips and waved them in front of me. "Here's your mouth. Care to put something where it is?"

You know I don't gamble.

Devil Me smacked me across the face with my own mouth. "No, you don't. You don't take any risks, do you?"

"That's not true," Angel Me swiped my mouth away and put it back on my face, flipping it around to smile. "He takes plenty of risks. He came here, didn't he?"

"Thanks to me," Devil Me said. "And you saw how much effort that took." I frowned again.

So I like to be careful. That's how masterminds operate.

"No, that's how cowards operate, and that brings me to my next point."

I am not a coward. Angel Me, make him take that back.

Something knocked at the door, and all three of us turned to it as a familiar voice called from the other side. "Fluttershy? Are you up yet? It's Spike and Rainbow Dash."

Devil Me smirked. "Okay then, let's test your theory." He pointed to the front door. "Prove to me you're not a coward."

I narrowed my gaze as I got off the mat, standing up as straight as I could as the doorknob began to turn. Then, the restrained power of a flying horse's leg shoved the door aside, and two figures entered the room. There was no time for me to debate my decision. There was no time to feel regret, remorse, or ridiculous. The axons fired and I went for it. I fell back onto my hands, smiled brightly at my guests, and let my pet name slip through my lips with an obnoxiously upbeat inflection.

Rainbow stared back in apathy, which didn't at all complement the red nose and floppy shoes look she had going that morning. Her wings looked like they were barely keeping her airborne as she floated next to her little dragon associate. Showing no real effort to lower her volume, she glanced down at him and asked, "You sure this thing didn't take it?"

The dragon shrugged. "You heard what the princess said."

"All right." She let out a big yawn before looking to me and saying, "Twilight needs you to go to town hall." She stifled a laugh as she turned around to leave. "Nice collar, by the way."

Nice makeup.

"Uh, Rainbow?" The dragon called after her. "You think it's okay that we leave this thing here alone?"

"Fluttershy wouldn't have left it here if she didn't think it could handle itself. Now, come on. My necklace isn't gonna get found while we're hanging out at the petting zoo."

He gave me one last look of uncertainty. "Fine, follow me. I think I know where we can find her." He ran back outside, looking about as determined as he was when he attacked me yesterday.

"Her?" Rainbow followed after him at a sluggish pace that made me question if it was actually the same Rainbow Dash. I considered if she could be a clone of Rainbow, but I didn't have long. The slow clapping began right after she left.

"So, Mork, which of your new owners is your favorite? Swirly Hair or Perfect Voice?"

Don't insult me. You know I prefer Fluttershy.

Devil Me sneered, then gasped as he pointed behind me. "Look! Look! Your future self wants to play fetch with you." He pointed down to my ankles where Diamondback's cat was looking up at me, holding a rubber mouse in its teeth.

He stood on the cat's head, naturally getting no response from her. "Can't you see it? Passive, unimportant, uninvolved, useless, not even any theme music to speak of. Maybe you should get put on that bus. That way—"

"Shush," Angel Me said, placing his hand over Devil Me's mouth. "We're trying to convince him to stay here and do his job."

"Fine," he said, pushing Angel Me aside. "I'll convince him." He flew up and looked me straight in the eye. He could have insulted me. He could have threatened me. He could have stabbed, choked, or slapped me again. However, he did something far worse than any of that with a single observational statement.

"They took your hammer."

My eyes went cold as I looked to where Fluttershy had slept last night. It wasn't there. I checked my hammerspace. It wasn't there either. It looked to the massive spider web on the ceiling. Nothing. A dark shadow cast over my face as I tore the collar off my neck and met eyes with my devilish self. "What do I need to do?" I asked.

Devil Me flashed a victorious grin. "Simple. Since you clearly can't do anything yourself, you need to find this world's main villain and join forces with them. If you're lucky, they might lend you some of their competence." He looked to Angel Me. "Anything you want to needlessly add?"

"Not today. As long as he's doing his job, I can count that as a moral victory."

"Heh, whatever." The two disappeared, leaving me alone with my thoughts and my anger. I rose onto my feet and looked down at the cat, still looking up at me with her rubber mouse. I picked her up and placed her on my shoulder.

"Diamondback's cat, from this day forward, your name is...irrelevant. You are now my evil minion, and you will do exactly what I say in accordance with my exact thoughts, understand?" She squeaked her toy in response. "And we're off."

I had no idea where this town hall Rainbow mentioned was located, but the prestigious orange carpeting that had been so carefully laid out for me seemed like the obvious answer. However, I needed to find the leader of the Blanks, the mastermind behind the rebellious uprising, which meant I needed to take a path the Horns and Wings weren't expecting me to take. Knowing their princess, she was probably expecting to follow the bright carpeting just because it was shiny and vibrant, but I wouldn't be so easily fooled.

The warmth of the sun felt invigorating despite its cold shoulder, and strangely enough it was the only sign of life anywhere near the witch's lair. Normally such tranquility would have been wonderful, but not when I was looking to strike fear into the hearts of those who would dare steal my most prized possession. My thoughts slipped into single-minded seething rage as I contemplated what magical experimentation they planned to use it for. I could almost hear it calling out for me to rescue it. However, it turned out it was my new minion squeaking her toy again in an attempt to get my attention, because she shifted my head upright just before bumping noses with a wooden pole.

"G-good work, minion," I said, glancing around to make sure my reputation hadn't already been irreparably damaged. "Now help me tear this pole to the ground for standing in our way."

"And what happened next?" I turned to the pole in curiosity after hearing it speak.

"I managed to get us both to shore, but honestly I think that's the last we'll see of the Apple family kayak."

Hearing the familiar voice, I peeked around the pole to spot Applejack sitting at a table with some purple Blank I hadn't met yet. Fortunately, the pole was a good two inches wide, so I could hide behind it without being seen, which made it a perfect opportunity to get some intel.

"I don't understand," the other Blank said. "Is Apple Bloom afraid of frogs?"

"'Course not," Applejack said. "She thought it was Diamond Tiara's trained attack frog sent to lick her brains out. Her words, not mine."

Diamond...Tiara? It's not Diamondback? Why do I keep getting all these names slightly wrong?

"I see," the purple one said. "And you're sure this isn't about that wild animal that ran across the playground yesterday?"

"Trust me, Cheerilee, she didn't ask her brother ta check her closet at three in the morning because she thought she heard Mork giggling."

I remember now. Mr. Rich used that witch's name as a curse word yesterday. Must be an inside joke for Blanks. Clever.

"Well, in any case, I'm glad you came to talk to me about this. I can't believe Apple Bloom blames herself for what happened yesterday."

"Yer tellin' me. She even thinks this whole thing has to do with a stinkin' piece a jewelry. Can you believe it?"

Cheerilee cleared her throat. "Yes, well, rest assured, Applejack, you can tell Apple Bloom she shouldn't have to worry about Diamond Tiara for quite some time."

That sounded...hostile. Is that why no one was watching me this morning?

"That was mighty quick of ya, Cheerilee. How'd ya pull it off? You make her an offer she couldn't refuse?"

Wait, why is Applejack in favor of this? I thought she was on the witch's side. Is she a double agent?

"I guess you could call it an offer that she wouldn't let herself refuse."

"Beg pardon?"

Cheerilee giggled. "Let's just say I ran into Diamond Tiara on the way here, and I wouldn't be surprised if those two are playing together right now."

Whatever Applejack was drinking came shooting straight back out of her mouth. She coughed a few times as she caught her breath, but I had to tune out her shouting to contemplate something.

Something's not adding up here. If these two are members of the resistance, why are they so concerned with this Apple Bloom character? Everyone knows sympathetic villains can't be trusted. They always defect. So does that make Applejack a triple agent?

Regardless of her allegiance, she whooshed past me at that moment without so much as an attempt to subjugate herself to me. I was partially offended, but I decided to turn my attention to Cheerilee instead. If she made the decisions about who got axed off, she had to be pretty high up on the power ladder.

I slipped out from behind the pole, almost immediately grabbing the attention of the purple mare. Though she was mildly surprised, she didn't run away or panic. She just seemed to be examining me, and she kept at it as her intro music took off.

My mother's advice rang through my ears as I heard that jaunty melody. It was the theme of a little girl prancing through a field of smiling daffodils with a picnic basket on her way to her grandmother's charity auction. I kept waiting for it to distort into an explosive heavy-metal guitar solo, but all I heard were my expectations shattering as she approached me with a look of optimistic caution.

She's not a villain. This high-ranking Blank isn't a villain, which means neither are Applejack or the rest of her subordinates. And if the Blanks aren't the villains, then the ones I'm looking to join forces with are...

Oh...Diamond Tiara.

Sweetie Belle stared up at the sky as she relaxed in a lawn chair outside the Crusaders' clubhouse, enjoying the beauty of the morning. The weather team had really gotten creative with the funny cloud shapes this year.

"Flashlight."

"Flashlight."

One was shaped like a circus tent. Another looked like a ceiling fan. There was even one that looked like one of her sister's elaborate dresses.

"Marker."

"Marker."

Her personal favorite was the one that looked like a giant ice cream cone. Something about it just really brought a smile to a face.

"Heart Listener."

"Heart Listener."

Sweetie Belle's smile fell, and she lifted her head off the chair. "Heart Listener?"

Scootaloo placed the chest piece of her stethoscope on the black circle she had drawn just near the top of Sweetie's forehead. "I don't have a drill," she said, circling her horn with the device. "I gotta improvise."

Sweetie rubbed the circle off her forehead and got out of the chair, donning the large, orange sun hat she had set on the ground. "Girls, don't you think you're overreacting just a bit?"

Apple Bloom turned her flashlight on, causing Sweetie to flinch as she shined it in her face. "When you start a conversation with 'Guess what? Diamond Tiara's my new friend.', how are we supposed to react?"

"Especially after what she did yesterday," Scootaloo said, bitterly looking at the dirt.

"You don't understand," Sweetie said. "She only said all that stuff because she was mad about losing her ice cream privileges."

"Did she lose 'em the day she was born?" Apple Bloom asked, jumping up onto the lawn chair. "'Cause a pony don't just turn into a timberwolf overnight."

"Yeah," Scootaloo said. "I don't care if she lost her cupcake privileges. She's still going on my list."

"What list?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"The list I should have made a long time ago." Scootaloo flashed a piece of paper in Sweetie's face titled "Friends for Never" with Diamond's crudely-scrawled face taking up more than half of it. "Don't make me put you on it too, Sweetie Belle."

Sweetie hesitated for a moment, searching for a way to change the tone of the discussion. "Well, what if she felt really really bad about what she said yesterday?"

"I guess Rainbow Dash would have to start watching out for pigs," Scootaloo said, giving it half a second of thought. "What do you think, Apple Bloom?"

"Actually, I'd buy it," Apple Bloom said, thinking about it for about a full second. "There's no telling what sorta crazy stuff she could do now that she's lost her mind."

"Lost her mind? That's crazy talk," Scootaloo said, scribbling thick eyebrows onto her drawing. "She just wants us all to suffer because Miss Cheerilee hasn't given her that dumb tiara back yet."

"I don't know," Sweetie Belle said. "She sure seemed to want me to have fun when we hung out yesterday."

Sweetie's comment brought her back to their group's center of attention, and she found herself back on the lawn chair before she had time to go into any detail, her massive hat falling over her eyes.

"Don't worry, Sweetie Belle," Apple Bloom said, flipping the flashlight on again. "Whatever weird, crazy bug she put in there, the Cutie Mark Crusader Brain Surgeons will...hope it don't like bright lights."

"Hang on a second," Scootaloo said, taking a closer look at Sweetie's bewildered face. "I see what's going on here." She pointed her hoof right at the reclining filly's nose. "Sweetie Belle's messing with us."

"Huh?" Sweetie and Apple Bloom asked together.

"Oh, duh," Apple Bloom said, smacking herself in the forehead. "Today's April Foal's Day."

"I should have known from the start," Scootaloo said, pointing to Sweetie's hat. "You even wore this ridiculous thing so you could hide your face from us. I gotta admit, that was pretty clever."

Sweetie Belle looked up at her sparkling orange sun hat. "Actually, this is just my punishment. Rarity made me wear this after Diamond tried to help me get my cutie mark. It didn't exactly go like we planned."

"Wow, you really thought this out," Scootaloo said. "All right. I'll bite. What did she help you do? Frog kissing? Garbage swimming? Cactus eating?"

Apple Bloom slid in beside Scootaloo. "Did she make you wear a pumpkin and throw ya to the squirrels?"

"No," Sweetie said, her defensive tone quickly stolen by hesitance. "She made me wear a viking helmet and shot me out of a cannon."

"She got you in trouble and she stole my idea? Figures. Even imaginary Diamond Tiara's a jerk. I'm putting her on my list too." Scootaloo picked up her crayon to draw a second Diamond on her paper.

"I'm just glad you were joking," Apple Bloom said, accepting the cupcake she had just been offered. "I was worried you might have invited her here or something." She took a bite out of the cupcake and swallowed, looking down to admire its brilliant red icing.

"How's it taste?"

"Actually, it's pretty good," Apple Bloom said, turning to her right. "Thanks, Diamond Ti—ah!" As she caught sight of the pink filly's smiling face, she bounced off the ground like she was made of rubber, dashing to the other side of the lawn chair before touching the ground. She peeked out from behind the chair, eyes wide with horror as she looked ahead. "You guys see her too, right?" she whispered to the others.

"Yeah, I see her," Scootaloo said, her narrowed eyes deadset on their new guest.

"Good morning, Sweetie Belle," Diamond said, her eyes twinkling with excitement. To her left was a cart covered in a lavish, pink cloth with a tray on top that had two more cupcakes on it. She grabbed the one with pink and purple frosting and continued. "Did you tell our friends about all the fun we had yesterday?"

"Well, I tried," Sweetie said, readily accepting the cupcake. "They thought I was joking."

"I told you." Diamond pushed her cart past Sweetie Belle. "You're just too funny for your own good." She wheeled up to the one with the crayon. "What'cha doing, Scootaloo?"

Scootaloo threw her body over her list to cover it, closing her eyes as she silently turned her head away from the purple frosted cupcake Diamond offered.

"Did you make these yourself?" Sweetie asked, her mouth half full.

"Of course I did. I woke my dad up early so we could make something special for my friends," Diamond said, moving the cupcake right under Scootaloo's nose. "I even got him to use real sugar."

"What of it?" Scootaloo asked, turning away completely.

Diamond's toothy smile relaxed to a closed-mouth grin. "Is there a problem, Scootaloo?"

"You want me to eat something you made on April Foal's Day?" she asked, partly turning back. "You must think I'm as dumb as you say you do."

"Scootaloo..." Sweetie said with a wilted expression.

"It's okay, Sweetie Belle," Diamond said, placing the cupcake back on the tray. "She doesn't have to eat my amazingly thoughtful gift if she doesn't want it. I won't hold it against her."

"Against me?" Scootaloo spun back around, jolting onto her hooves. "Against me?"

"Apple Bloom, you dropped your cupcake," Diamond said, a look of disappointment on her face as she walked past Scootaloo toward the lawn chair.

Apple Bloom looked at the dirt and yelped as she spotted the fallen pastry. Her eyes went shifty, and she shrunk back. "Y-ya gotta understand. I didn't mean nothing by it. It was an accident, I swear!" Diamond's full smile came back, causing Apple Bloom to hide behind the chair.

"An accident, huh?" Diamond said as she pulled her cart to a stop, reaching underneath the pink cloth. She pulled her hoof out and extended it to Apple Bloom, revealing a pink cupcake with purple and white frosting. "That's okay. You can have mine."

Apple Bloom screamed as the cupcake was presented to her. She leapt into the air again, manically flailing her legs around. "Her plan's all coming together!" She dashed behind Sweetie Belle, snatched her sun hat off her head, and concealed herself underneath it.

Sweetie looked between the fuming filly biting the crayon to her right and the trembling one peeking out of the hat beside her. "Uh, Diamond, could you excuse us for a second?"

"So," Diamond said, tossing the cupcake away, "are you three ready to finally earn your cutie marks?"

"We sure are," Sweetie said before Scootaloo drifted in beside her.

"Yeah, we are," she said, wrapping her leg around Sweetie. "And it sure would be nice if you left so we could get started."

"Then it's settled," Diamond said. "Who's up for some archery practice?"

Scootaloo lowered Sweetie's hoof. "Did you even hear what I said? We don't want any of your help. Just leave us alone."

"But I thought the Cutie Mark Crusaders were supposed to stick together," Diamond said.

"Yeah, so what?" Scootaloo said. "You're not a Cutie Mark Crusader."

Diamond shut her eyes and smiled as she reached underneath her cart's cover again. "Are you sure about that?" She pulled out a red cape with their club's insignia on it, wrapping it around her back and striking an adventurous pose.

"No!" Apple Bloom shouted, springing out from under her hiding place.

"Where did you get that?" Scootaloo asked, turning right to Sweetie Belle.

"Did I forget to mention that?" Sweetie asked, holding onto her innocent smile for dear life.

"So, now that that's out of the way, how about that archery?" Diamond asked, walking up to them. "I bet you'll be really good at it, Scootaloo."

"You think so?" Scootaloo asked, pondering the idea for a moment before shaking it off. "Oh, no you don't. I'm not falling for any of this. You're up to something. I don't know what, but I know it's something. Besides, you can't just put on that cape and call yourself a Cutie Mark Crusader. You have to actually be able to crusade for a cutie mark, and you already have yours." Apple Bloom nodded insistently.

"But I can still help you crusade for yours. Doesn't that count?" Diamond asked.

"Sounds fair to me," Sweetie Belle said.

Scootaloo groaned. "Fine..."

"But uh, you gotta pass an initiation to be an official member," Apple Bloom said, sweating like a real brain surgeon during surgery. "And that'd just be a waste of yer valuable time."

"Are you kidding?" Diamond asked. "We're all wasting valuable crusading time every second I'm not passing that initiation. What do I have to do?"

Not expecting anything close to such a response, Apple Bloom hastily fumbled through her brain, trying to come up with an answer. "You have ta...uh...you have ta—"

"Eat a bug!" Scootaloo exclaimed. After processing her words, Diamond and Apple Bloom both went wide-eyed.

"Eat a bug?" Sweetie asked. "Isn't that kinda—"

"Are ya out of yer mind?" Apple Bloom whispered as loudly as she could, shoving her face right against Scootaloo's. "Do ya want her ta turn us ta stone?"

Scootaloo pushed her head forward. "Hey, I'm just trying to get her to leave. And I didn't see you coming up with anything better."

"I was gonna say she had ta do somethin' borin'! Not somethin' crazier than she is."

"For the last time, Apple Bloom, she's not crazy. She's just a big—"

A loud, crunching noise drew them out of their argument. All three of them looked over in unison, to see a shallow hole had been dug at Diamond's hooves. Her cheeks were puffed out, a couple bits of dirt scattered around her lips, and hanging out of her mouth was a wriggling, black leg, which was promptly slurped behind her lips along with the rest of the soil that clung to it. She swallowed everything in one, long gulp, shivering violently for a few seconds before straining a dirt-caked toothy smile.

"I'm in now, right?" she asked, her voice hoarse and wizened.

Looking to her friends' stunned faces, Sweetie Belle asked, "Could you give us a minute, Diamond?"

Diamond nodded, and the three formed a huddle.

"Okay, Apple Bloom, I'm with you," Scootaloo said. "She's nuts."

"I told ya!" Apple Bloom said. "What are we gonna do now?"

"I'll tell you what we're gonna do," Scootaloo said. "We're gonna—"

Scootaloo was interrupted as a pebble hit against the back of her head. "Why you little—" Her anger evaporated as she spun around to find nothing but an apple tree behind her. Looking up into the tree's foliage, she spotted something that made her forget about Diamond Tiara altogether. She gave it an overzealous series of quick nods before jerking back into the huddle.

"Something wrong, Scootaloo?" Sweetie asked.

"Uh, actually, I just remembered. I promised Rainbow Dash I'd watch another bucket for her today. Why don't you let Bug Breath take my place today? I'll catch up with you later." Scootaloo gave a nervous laugh and dashed into the apple orchard, her head pointed toward the sky.

"That's too bad," Diamond said, sending Apple Bloom skyward with her sudden proximity. "I guess it's just the three of us then."

"Then how about we...bring it back up to four?"

Diamond paused, turning around to see Apple Bloom's older sister looking down at her, catching her breath as Apple Bloom clung to her back in fear. Diamond stared back blankly, then closed her eyes. "All right, but you have to eat a bug first."

It wasn't like it was an unreasonable request. Each member of the Canterlot weather team was only responsible for the design and creation of one unusual cloud in celebration of the holiday. Why were they always so bland?

No matter where in the sky she looked, Princess Celestia saw nothing but circles, triangles, and the occasional oval. Of all the lazy designs they could have used. It was almost boring enough to be funny, not that the princess was laughing. She knew the city's weather team wasn't the most creative, but they could at least show more holiday spirit than making polygons. She needed to remember to talk to somepony about that.

Catching the position of the sun, Celestia decided it was about time they headed off. She turned to the excessively hair-ridden stallion at her side, putting up a cooperative front. "Shooting," she said, "you seem a bit antsy this morning. You're not nervous about going out in public, are you?"

Shooting Star raised a bushy, gray eyebrow at her. "Nervous? At my age?" He downed a vial of red liquid he had gripped tightly in two separate auras of magic. "Methinks our renowned princess may be touched in the head."

Celestia relaxed her eyes, keeping her smile steady. "Then might the mad ruler beseech thee let our guards taketh us on our way to Ponyville now?" She looked ahead to her four royal guards struggling to fly, each of them encased in an individual black aura that held them in place.

Shooting slid his gray hat over his bearded face. "That doesn't prove anything," he said, releasing the guards and allowing the chariot to jettison away from Canterlot Tower.

Celestia looked to Shooting again, giggling softly as he took another swig of his red beverage. "You know, I might be a little more inclined to believe you if you weren't overdosing on the courage," she said, plucking the nearly finished vial out of his mouth with her own magic.

"Bah, it's not even working anyway." Shooting leaned back onto the chariot's cushion, smacking his lips together. "It doesn't even taste like courage. It tastes more like...modesty." Hearing the princess's repressed laughter, he slunk down on the cushion until he was lying on his back. "Well, aren't we an early bird?" he asked, not even looking up at her.

"The first step to overcoming your fear is being modest enough to admit to it," Celestia replied, swishing around the remaining liquid in the vial as it slowly turned bright pink.

"I'm not afraid of..." Shooting's gritted teeth gleamed through his beard as he teleported himself back onto his hooves to ceremoniously bow his head. "Your Grace, I...please forgive my insolence. I don't mean to cast doubt on your immaculate observational prowess." He forced his neck back up to look at her. "I hate you so much right now."

"Happy April Foal's Day to you too, Shooting," Celestia said. "I thought a little levity would help calm your nerves. It would be unfortunate if your stage fright interfered with your job as our professional Mork translator."

"I'm honored to be part of such a brilliant stratagem, Your Majesty," he said, resuming his bow for a brief moment. "And don't give me that. You just wanted a quick laugh. Besides, if Mork's involved, all the crowds in Crowdsdale couldn't throw me off my game."

"It's Cloudsdale, Shooting." She tapped her chin. "Maybe it is time you took a vacation."

"You are as gracious as you are perfection, Princess." He flashed her a smile so large it made his teeth rattle. "And thank you for giving your sister my spot on that week-long luxury cruise. I really appreciate it."

His remark stole Celestia's smile away. She looked out to the sky, watching the clouds increase in creativity as they soared across through it. "I'm sorry, Shooting. I wasn't trying to slight you. When I received your invitation, we had still yet to see any signs of this threat, and Luna was becoming suspicious of the additional security on patrol. I...thought it would give us some time to settle everything. So she wouldn't have to get involved."

"With all due respect, Princess, why won't you tell her about the Elements being in danger?" Shooting asked, stretching his spine from all the bowing. "Think how helpful she could be in assisting us."

Celestia blankly stared forward for a moment, then shifted her eyes his way. "The letter addressed me and me alone, Shooting. Whatever I did in the past is my burden to bear, not hers."

Shooting fell to the ground. "Forgive me, Princess, but by that logic, shouldn't you have watched over the Elements yourself?"

A small smile found its way back onto Celestia's face. "It's funny, isn't it? In my efforts to deceive our foe, I've done exactly what it accused me of doing in its letter." She shut her eyes, her face turning solemn. "However, I had to do what was best for Equestria, and that meant placing the Elements in the possession of the ones who can use them and are therefore capable of protecting them. The courage and dedication those six have shown in the past has left me no room to doubt their abilities. I trust them to protect the Elements even more than I trust myself."

"And what of Luna?" Shooting asked, his head still low. "Don't you trust her?"

Celestia took no time to reply. "Shooting, she is my sister."

Shooting lifted his head. "Then why not ask the same of her?"

"Shooting," her voice softened intensely, "she is my sister."

Not another word was spoken for the remainder of their trip. Upon arriving at their destination, Celestia silently stepped off as Shooting meekly followed after her. A pair of unicorns were waiting to greet them, standing by a podium that had been set up in front of town hall.

"Good morning, Twilight. And you as well, Rarity," Celestia said, cordial as always as she walked up to them. "I see we're almost ready to begin." She looked out to the panicked crowd of ponies scattering all about as they carried various decorations to and fro. "I take it they've calmed down a bit about Mork's arrival?"

"Actually, right now they're concerned about yours," Twilight said. "I don't suppose you could come back when things are more...together?" She jumped as a large boulder landed right beside her, looking at it with annoyance as someone yelled out an apology in the distance.

"That won't be necessary, Twilight," Celestia said. "We'll just give them time to prepare while we wait for Mork to show up." She turned to Rarity. "How is he doing?"

In a flash of black light, Shooting Star appeared in front of the Princess, leaning right into Rarity's face. "What did he do yesterday? Anything spectacular? Anything unspectacular? I want to know everything!" He tensed up and pulled away, his hat drooping down. "I'm sorry, was that too aggressive?"

Twilight curiously looked to the princess, who just giggled, then looked back to the stallion pawing at the ground with his hoof. "I think it would be best if you asked him yourself. Is it true you've already learned how to speak Mork's language?"

The stallion took a step back. "I suppose. I wouldn't say I'm all that good at it, though. I wasn't able to make any progress with the subjunctive tense, and if he starts talking about executive marketing decisions, your guess is as good as mine."

"Is Shooting feeling okay, Princess?" Twilight asked. "He sounds a little...Fluttershy this morning."

"Never mind him," Celestia said. "But speaking of Fluttershy, is she the one looking after him right now?"

"No!" Rarity shouted, creating a moment of silence for her to recollect herself. "Well, yes, but I assure you, Princess, it was never my intention to pawn him off on her or anything of the sort. I did promise I'd look after him, after all."

"I understand," the princess said. "In any case, I am grateful that you've agreed to look after Mork for the short time he's been here. I never would have guessed that it would be an actual babysitting job."

"Oh, it was no trouble at all, Princ—"

"Princess Celestia?"

The princess was greeted at eye-level with a cake that held an inordinate amount of decorations on it, lit sparklers sticking out of the top, and the words "Welcome to Ponyville" scribbled across the three layers in cursive. Mr. and Mrs. Cake stepped to either side of it, obligatorily bowing before their princess.

"Will this cake be appropriate for this morning's ceremony?" Mr. Cake asked.

Before the princess could insist that it was a cake worthy of the name, it rose into the air as if levitated by its own ego. Then it positioned itself over a few inches and came crashing down right onto Mr. Cake, completely immersing him in it.

Celestia gasped after the cake's sudden attack against its creator, casting a stern glare behind her. "Shooting."

Shooting shook the scowl off his face and furiously stomped the ground several times. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" He gritted his teeth tightly and sharply turned his neck away before mumbling, "I didn't think it was appropriate for this morning's ceremony."

"I'm terribly sorry about that," Celestia said, levitating Mr. Cake out of the frosted mess. "I could have sworn my translator was an adult when he arrived here this morning." Shooting harrumphed.

"It's all right, Your Majesty," Mr. Cake said, looking himself over. "Pinkie said something would fall on me today. I'm just glad it was something soft."

"Where is Pinkie?" Twilight asked. "I figured if anypony would show up this morning, she would."

"So did we," Mrs. Cake said. "She was the one who made this cake. It was her way of saying she was sorry she couldn't make it. She said she had a business meeting that was too important to miss."

"I see," Celestia said with a raised eyebrow. "It really must be April Foal's Day." She looked to Twilight. "That reminds me. Have you informed Rainbow Dash of everything that's happened recently?"

"Rarity told me that Rainbow met Mork yesterday," Twilight said, shiftily turning to her friend. "What was it you said they did again?"

"They played...tag," Rarity said, her body perfectly stiff. "Frankly, I think they both rather enjoyed themselves."

"Oh?" Celestia said. "Mork must be pretty light on his feet to be able to keep up with Rainbow Dash."

"Oh, you have no idea," Rarity said. "In fact, Rainbow Dash was completely spent afterwards. She said she had to rest for at least twenty-four hours, so we probably won't see her here or today in general." She strained a smile to complement her hasty explanation.

"I...see," Celestia said. "Well it's good to see that they got along. I guess all that's left now is—"

A high-pitched scream rang through the air. The six of them looked out into the crowd to see that the fear-induced panicking had been overtaken by a fear-induced silence stopped, as every head had converged to the presence of a purple earth pony slowly traversing through the crowd, rhythmically pulling a creature by his shirt collar as she made her way to the podium.

As she reached the front of the crowd, she let go of him and stopped to take a breather. She turned to the princess with a smile and a bow. "Your Highness, I'm not late, am I?"

"Not at all," Celestia said, returning the smile. "From the looks of it, you're right on time."

"Cheerilee?" Twilight asked, walking up to her. "Why are you the one looking after Mork?"

"So this is Mork?" Cheerilee asked. "Applejack said something about the princess introducing him to the town. I tried to speak with him, but he's not much of a talker."

Twilight walked up to examine Mork. His expression was blank and still, and he stared forward coldly, his body entirely motionless as if he were frozen in time. The only movement anywhere on his body came from the animal perched atop his head.

"Opal, get down from there," Rarity said, marching up to the lounging cat on Mork's head. She lifted her pet out of his hair and onto her back, wincing as Opal came to her senses and began flailing about. "Honestly, darling, this isn't like you. Since when do you like coming outside on your own?"

As Celestia prepared to say something, Shooting teleported right in front of Mork. "Mork, go ahead, tell them. Tell them you don't want to go home. Tell them they don't need to send you back. I'll even translate it for you." Mork remained unfazed, staring blankly ahead as if his brain had forgotten how to do everything but hold himself up.

Shooting's beard twitched after getting no response. He leaned close and whispered, "At least say something so I can pretend you said it."

"Shooting," the princess said.

"What? I was just—" Shooting's body went as stiff as Mork's as he came to find the hundreds of eyes of the formerly rowdy crowd all silently staring at him and Mork, giving them their undivided attention. Shooting stuttered something else in his feeble attempt to finish his sentence before his tongue froze up as well.

Realizing Shooting had nothing left to say, Celestia stepped up to the microphone and greeted the crowd. "Citizens of Ponyville, for those of you who don't know, I have come here this morning to formally introduce you all to your new guest. More importantly, I wanted you to see for yourself that this creature means no harm to any of you, should he or someone who looks like him ever decide to return."

The crowd looked timidly at the odd creature standing next to the podium. Some parents hid their children behind them. Some vendors did the same with their signs. They all began murmuring to one another, not one of them daring to voice a full-voiced complaint in the presence of their princess.

"This isn't going so well," Twilight said. "They must still be nervous about his big rampage yesterday. If only we could convince them it was all just a misunderstanding."

"Perhaps one of you should speak on his behalf." Celestia said. "Rarity, you're the one looking after him. Why don't you tell them what you think of Mork?"

"Oh...yes, quite," Rarity said. "I'd be delighted." Walking up to the podium, she looked out to the questioning masses. She cleared her throat and looked to her pet for comfort before saying the first word that came to mind. "Fluttershy!" she shouted, spotting the yellow mare obliviously strolling along the street behind the crowd, her pet rabbit riding on her head.

Following the model of Mork and Shooting, Fluttershy froze in place as Rarity called her name and nearly the entire population of Ponyville turned to look at her.

"R-Rarity?" she asked, the hammer in her mouth falling to the ground. "I-I can explain."

"Wonderful, that's exactly what I need you to do," Rarity said. "Would you be a dear and explain what Mork is like to everypony here today?"

Hearing the name, Fluttershy looked to the front of the stage, then grimaced as she glanced up to the rabbit on her head. "Oh no, I...I really shouldn't. I don't even know Mork that well. I just helped name him. That's all."

"Oh, don't be so modest, Fluttershy," Rarity said. "You took care of him for six hours last night after we thought he was sick. You even refused to sleep in my guest bed so you sleep at his side until you were sure he felt better."

Fluttershy gave Angel an innocent smile as he glared down at her. "I don't really have anything to say," she said to Rarity. "Honest."

The mare closest to Fluttershy spoke up. "If Fluttershy can't say anything nice about this thing, it must be really dangerous!"

"Doesn't she have a pet scorpion?" a pony from the crowd asked.

"That thing's a menace to us all!" a third pony said, rising out of the crowd to point at him.

Fluttershy raised her voice in response to their comments. "Wait, that's not what I meant. Mork wouldn't hurt anypony..." She considered her words carefully. "Not for no reason anyway."

"I get it," a blue stallion said. "He's like Nightmare Moon. He doesn't hurt ponies that give him candy!"

"Somepony get him some candy! We're losing valuable time!"

Fluttershy leapt into the center of the crowd. "No, I...you don't understand. Mork isn't dangerous. He's just not from around here. He's so far away from his home. His family and friends aren't here. Well, not technically anyway. I know he might seem scary, but I know he didn't mean to scare anypony. He always listens when I talk to him, he never complains even when things don't go his way, and he makes this cute, little snoring bubble when he sleeps that—" Fluttershy paused as the top of her head was rapidly thumped.

"I mean, I'm not saying he's cute." She looked to the stares of the ponies surrounding her. "I mean, I'm not saying he's not cute." Her eyes darted back and forth between the two. "I mean, what do I know about what's cute? When did I become the cuteness expert?" She whimpered as she felt a sudden emptiness on top of her head.

"Angel, wait!" Fluttershy called out as he bounced away from her on the other ponies' heads. "I didn't mean the parts that made you mad! Come back!" She cut a path through the crowd as she chased after him, running off into the distance.

"Well, I'm all out of ideas," Rarity said, stepping away from the podium. "What about you, Mr. Cake?"

Twilight thought things over again as Mr. Cake floundered to reply. She raised her head to look up to her princess. "I have an idea. It might solve our problem, but it could just as easily backfire."

"Give it a try, Twilight," Celestia said with a smile. "I have total confidence in you."

Twilight smiled back and walked up to the podium, determination on her face as she looked out to the crowd. "Listen up, everypony," she said, stopping all their speculative murmuring. "I'm going to show you all exactly what Mork is really like, and to do it I'm going to use a spell that I learned from Mork himself." Twilight took a deep breath, concentrated, and shot a beam of purple light directly at Mork's forehead. As expected, he had no visible reaction, but soon the effect of the spell kicked in and a white cloud formed above his head. Several members of the audience gasped as the cloud grew in size and a second Mork appeared across its surface.

The second Mork looked just as frozen and detached from reality as the first. However, standing next to him, atop an oversized, golden carrot, was the esteemed Princess Celestia. She looked nearly identical to the original, proudly looking down at him from her twenty-karat vegetable. However, her mane and tail consisted of nearly twice as much hair, adding much more size to her appearance.

"Welcome aboard, Mork," she said, her voice carrying an echo. "I'm glad to see you've overcome your fear of my limitless power and prestigious title. I look forward to seeing how I can benefit from whatever so-called skills you have to embarrass yourself by comparison in my presence."

The crowd started murmuring again, asking a string of questions between one another until a third creature made an appearance on the cloud.

A bright-eyed Twilight bounced out from behind her long-haired princess, a magnifying glass hovering beside her. "Magic!" she exclaimed before looking through her magnifying glass to examine Mork's ear. She turned back to her princess with concern on her face. "Magic magic magic, magic magic?"

"Calm down, Twilight," Cloud Celestia said. "He won't understand you if you speak that quickly."

"Sure he can, Princess," Cloud Fluttershy said, walking into the scene and petting the top of his head. Her eyes glowed red as twin lasers shot out of them, revealing the inside of his head. "My scanners indicate he's 17% more intelligent than he appears to be." She timidly looked away. "I mean, I think that's what they say."

Cloud Rarity rode in from the left of the cloud riding a broomstick with Opal on her shoulder. She was wearing a hat resembling Shooting Star's and a lengthy black cloak that covered her entire body save for her tail. "Honestly, Mork, must you insist on wearing that same head of orange hair everywhere you go? Here, let me fix that for you." She lit up her horn and zapped Mork's hair, turning it into a variety of differently colored crystals, which she collected and placed into a picnic basket.

"Don't feel bad," Celestia said to the bald-headed Mork, who still showed no responsiveness. "We can't all have perfectly flowing hair like mine. Now let us officially consolidate our alliance by performing the ceremonial dance of magic." She leaned forward and glanced at him playfully. "You can dance, can't you?" All four ponies stared at him in anticipation, and a clownish Rainbow Dash flew in on a trail of fire to join them.

With a shout, the real Mork snapped out of his trance, collapsing on his back as he caught up with his blinking and breathing, his fantasy cloud dissolving into nothing. Realizing he was being watched, he glanced over to the ponies standing by the podium in confusion, then to the crowd of ponies all speechlessly staring at him. He had no more words to say than before he started moving.

"Uh, there," Twilight said, uncomfortably facing the crowd again. "You see?"

You Heard Me

Chpt. 18 - You Heard Me

Tuesday, April 1

After returning to the podium, Princess Celestia thanked everypony for coming and officially ended the meeting. Then she waited about three minutes for the laughter to stop. With the scent of unease no longer in the air, the crowd finally began to disperse, many ponies already turning their attention elsewhere. Those that stayed wanted an encore.

Mork was quickly swarmed with invitations and accolade. The Cakes invited him to stop by their shop to see the pictures of him that their children wouldn't stop drawing. Cheerilee asked if he would be willing to be a model for her class's ongoing anatomy lessons. The mayor even pushed her way to the front to get a publicity picture with him. Mork smiled and nodded to everything as he always did until Rarity stepped in and told them Mork had to go.

Before Mork's admirers could ask why, Celestia stepped in and said Mork had been called back home on urgent business and needed to go. She suggested they go make the most of their holiday and that somepony clean the frosting off Mr. Cake. None of them daring to argue with the princess, the rest of the crowd said their goodbyes and promptly took off. The mayor had already started washing Mr. Cake's hair.

Celestia lifted the still immobile Shooting Star on her back, proposing to Twilight that they head to the library. Then she turned an eye toward Mork and asked if he was ready to go. It was the first question that broke Mork's smile, but it didn't stop him from nodding.

Escorted by Celestia's guards, the four of them made their way to Twilight's homestead. Celestia walked in front while Twilight and Rarity walked alongside Mork, watching him more closely than the path in front of them. Mork looked to be avoiding eye contact with them as much as possible, smiling up at the unusually-shaped clouds above them. As the library came within view, Rarity finally thought of something to say.

"So, Mork," she said, pausing in mild surprise as Opal leapt to the top of her head. "You're going to laugh when I tell you this, but that magic cloud of yours almost made it seem like you believe me to be some sort of witch." She tried to laugh. "Is that not the most ridiculous thing?"

"Mork?" he asked, glancing at her uncertainly.

"I guess I still have some practice to do with that spell," Twilight said. "I don't think you saw it, Mork, but I put a thought cloud over you to show everypony what you were thinking. At least, that's what I tried to do." She giggled to herself. "It's too bad you didn't see it, Mork. You probably would have laughed just as much as the rest of us."

"I don't think Mork's in much of a laughing mood, Twilight," Celestia said, looking back at them. "Mork, I've noticed you're walking on two legs this morning. Twilight told me you often do that when you're afraid or upset. Is something troubling you?"

Mork stopped walking and looked down at his shoe mid-step. He prepared to mork something, but a low rumbling noise spoke up instead, and he instinctively punched himself in the stomach, ending the noise.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "I don't suppose anypony made you breakfast, did they?" She turned her attention to Mork's caregiver.

With an innocent smile, Rarity stopped walking as well. "Princess Celestia, I know how this looks, but you have to believe me. Starving Mork was not on my to do-list this morning. Why the very idea—"

"It's alright, Rarity," Celestia said, her voice calm, and her eyes still on Mork. "Why don't you go prepare him something? I'm sure he would appreciate it." Mork put a glove over his eyes.

"Of course, Princess," Rarity said with a bow. "Come along, Opal. We have work to—Opal?" Twitching her ears to find an empty space on her head, Rarity turned in frustration to find Opal clinging to Mork's shoulder again.

"Opalessence, please, I know Mork may look like a scratching post, but I assure you he's not one. Now get down from there. You're being...rude?" She paused her lecture at the sight of Mork scratching under Opal's chin. As if her trained response, Opal zestfully pulled the rest of her body up to the top of his shoulder, perching on it like a parrot as she let him continue.

"Maybe Opal should stay here," Twilight said, looking up at the display. "I think Mork wants her company."

"I'm not so sure that's..." Rarity paused again as an unrolling coil of orange fabric brushed by her leg. Her mouth fell open as she whirled around to face the direction it came from. "Mork," she said, looking up to him. "I'll be right back. If Opal upsets you in any way, please don't eat her." She galloped away down the narrow, orange path, desperately calling out to Opal to behave herself as she left.

"Why don't we go inside and set things up while we wait for Rarity to return?" Celestia asked as she pointed to the library behind them.

With a shrug of apathy from Mork, they approached the tree's front entrance, all of them effortlessly passing through the various barriers that Twilight had set up around it. It was a reassuring sight to Twilight, but her mental peace was short-lived as she came to remember what was waiting for them behind the library door.

"Wait a second!" she shouted, leaping in front of them. "Mork can't go in yet."

"Why not, Twilight?" Celestia asked. "Hasn't he come in here once before?"

"Yes, but..." Twilight walked up to Mork. "I just need him to do me a favor first." She cleared her throat and stared up at him. "Mork, if I let you in here, can you promise me that you won't touch or take anything that isn't yours? No matter much you might want to?"

Mork's eyes opened wider, and his smile increased to match. He placed his arms behind his back and slowly nodded twice, each nod accompanied by a mork that gave Twilight a quick shower as he emphasized his k's.

"Uh, good." Twilight opened the door and stepped aside to let him enter. He kept his arms pressed against his back, his gloves tightly clenched as he marched into the library like a trained soldier, his smile so wide it was making him sweat. Twilight looked to her princess for support as the two of them followed him inside. The princess remained as expressionless as before.

Celestia instructed her guards to wait outside before closing the door and setting Shooting upright on the floor like a statue. "Now then, shall we begin?"

Mork's attention went right to the tall pile of hats on the table in the center of the room. However, his glance lasted only a few seconds before Opal jumped to the top of his head, making him roll his eyes and turn to a bookcase on his left.

Twilight sighed in relief. "I'm sorry, Princess," she said, turning away from him. "What did you say?"

Celestia grabbed Shooting's hat in her magic, held it upside down and shook it. A glob of transparent ooze fell out and splashed onto the ground before rising up into the air, immediately catching Mork's eye.

"Smooze, spit it out," Celestia said. The goop responded by ejecting a golden ball of light that took up as much room as the princess herself. She smiled. "If nothing else, it makes for a convenient carrying case." She looked back to Shooting. "That just leaves one thing."

She quietly stepped over to him and leaned forward so that her mouth was mere inches away from his ear. Then, as her smile lost much of its friendliness, she closed her eyes said in her normal speaking voice, "I can't believe Mork's gone already."

"What?" Shooting's hair sprung out in all directions as he leapt into the air and shot a wild blast of magic straight into a nearby bookcase, blowing open a hole in the side of the tree and sending the entire shelf of books flying.

"Hey!" Twilight said as she ducked under an incoming almanac.

Shooting yelped as he looked at the new window he'd made and grabbed a construction helmet from the pile of hats. "I'm sorry! I'll fix it." He lit up his horn to summon a hammer and some nails. Taking a step forward, he brought his hoof down on his lengthy beard and tripped, sliding across the floor on his face as his tools fell with him. Plucking his face off the wooden floor, he looked up to see Mork holding the hammer he had dropped in his left glove.

"Oh, thanks, Mork. You're a real pal." He paused, his eyebrows falling as he turned toward the princess. "You're being really mean to me today, you know that?"

"I'm sorry, Shooting," Celestia said, remnants of her smile still lingering. "Let me make it up to you. We have a bit of free time now, so why don't you go ahead and have your interview with Mork?"

"My interview?" Shooting asked, standing back up. "You mean I can ask him all my questions?" As she nodded in response, Shooting vanished from where he was standing, only to reappear in midair beside the princess to plant a loud, syrupy kiss on her cheek. "I am unworthy of your splendor," he said after she pried him off with her magic.

"You don't mind, do you, Mork?" Celestia asked, setting Shooting down. Her eyes opened widely as she caught sight of him. She smiled at him, then put her hoof to her mouth as if to hide it. "Oh, isn't that adorable? He's pretending to read."

Mork lifted his head as Opal finished turning the next page for him. His face read nothing but confusion.

"Mork!" Twilight said, dropping the books she had gathered to teleport over to him and swipe the book he was holding away. "You promised you wouldn't touch anything that's not...wait a second." She looked closer at the book's cover. "More Boring Than Anything? This isn't one of my books." She looked back at him. "Mork, do you...do you know how to read?"

His right eye twitching and his incessant smile trying to resurface, Mork dryly whispered his name once in response.

"What do you mean, 'no'?" Twilight quickly flipped through the book and shoved it back in his face. "This book has no pictures. Why would you be looking at this book if you couldn't read it? Why would you even have it?"

"He didn't say 'no'."

Twilight turned to the bearded stallion behind her. "What?"

Shooting looked down and pawed at the floor. "He put extra emphasis on the 'm' and said it with a soulless lack of interest. That means he said, 'Of course I can, Little Princess.' I think."

An exclamation point jettisoned out of Mork's head, sending Opal flying off it. He quickly grabbed the punctuation mark and placed it behind his back, revealing his gums as he tried to smile again.

Catching Opal and placing her on her back, Twilight chose to ignore her first two questions and focus on the other. "Mork, is...is that true? You know how to read? You know how to read our language? Then why can't you speak it?"

His gaze locked on Shooting, Mork hesitantly said his name again.

Shooting stood in silence for a second, wringing the sweat out of the hair on his forehead. "He...he said...he wishes he knew."

"So, wait," Twilight said, grabbing a nearby quill and paper from her desk, "if you can read, does that mean you can write?" She held the objects up to him. Mork flinched and pushed them away, silently shaking his head.

"I can teach you," Shooting said, peeking out from behind Twilight. Mork vigorously shook his head again, causing Shooting to slink away. "I understand. I'm not that good of a teacher."

"Princess, this changes everything," Twilight said, grabbing Opal before she jumped away. "If he knows how to read, maybe he's older than we thought. Maybe we don't have to send him home yet."

"Let's not get carried away," the princess said, her eyes shut. "Mork," she said, opening her eyes and staring at him coldly. "I have to be honest with you. I find it difficult to believe that a creature as simple and childish as yourself is capable of reading."

"Princess?" Twilight asked as Mork put the exclamation mark back over his head.

Celestia grabbed a scroll from Twilight's desk as she approached him. "If you truly wish to stay here, I'm going to need you to prove it to me." She dangled the scroll in front of his face, giving him a smug grin. "If you can, that is." A genuine frown appeared on his face as he snatched it out of the air and violently pried it open to look at it.

Twilight's eyes widened as she looked at the scroll more closely. "Princess, isn't that the—"

"Let him read it, Twilight," Celestia said. "If he's not smart enough, there's no issue."

Mork held the page over his face, baring his teeth at it as he gripped it tightly in his gloves. As he read, his grip relaxed, and his expression followed suit. A natural smile spread across his face, and he began chuckling to himself every so often. After a time, he rolled the paper up, took a deep breath, and morked again.

Twilight and Celestia turned to Shooting, who was busy writing equations on a chalkboard underneath the four letters that spelled out Mork's name. After filling up the entire board with his work, he dropped the chalk and twirled around to say, "Forgive my sluggishness, Your Grace. He switched dialects on me. He says he believes he understands everything except why they wrote the letter."

"I'm sorry?" Celestia asked, turning back to Mork as he repeated his name in the same inflection as before.

"He doesn't understand why the blanks would want to give you this much of a warning," Shooting said. "He says it seems counterintuitive."

"The...blanks?" Twilight looked to Mork curiously. "What blanks?"

Mork shrugged and said his name again.

Shooting cleared his throat. "He's not sure what we call them, but they're the ones that want to take over our kingdom."

After getting tackled to the ground by Twilight, Mork shook off the dizziness just in time for her to shout in his face, "You know who wrote that letter? You know who's coming to steal the Elements from us?" Mork strained out another response.

Shooting teleported beside them. "He asked if you were listening to him, Your Sparkleness. Then he said something sarcastic about it being the cat." He nodded to Opal, who jumped back onto Mork's shoulder. "He says it was written by our kingdom's have-nots, our mortal enemies."

"You'll have to excuse us, Mork," Celestia said, lifting Twilight off him, "but I can't say we are familiar with a creature known as a 'blank'. You say they are the have-nots of Equestria? Why is that, exactly?"

Mork gripped his stomach in pain as he rose off the ground, saying his name four times in succession.

"Simple," Shooting said. "They have not any magic."

"I knew it!" Twilight shouted as she was dropped to the ground by her princess. "I told Spike that magicprint check was worth something."

Celestia continued. "There are many creatures in Equestria without magic. Would you mind being a little more specific?" Mork flashed a grin before saying his name backwards, a grin that caught Twilight's attention.

"I think you of all princesses should know who they are, Carrot Top," Shooting said, quickly apologizing. "After all, you were the one who took them down."

His remark caught Celestia off guard. "I—You know of my past?"

"Hang on a second," Twilight said, standing in front of her princess with narrowed eyes. "How could you possibly know that? How could you know any of this? You've been here for a day." Mork rubbed his shirt with his knuckle and simply clicked his tongue.

"He says you give him too little credit," Shooting said. "One day was all he needed. He's been watching the Blanks closely ever since he first arrived. He knows everything there is to know about them now."

"All right, Smarty Pants," Twilight said. "Where did you see these things?" Mork raised an eyebrow and whistled.

"What do you mean 'where'?" Shooting asked. "He can't take five steps without seeing one. There were at least fifty of them at his town humiliation ceremony this morning alone."

"Fifty?" Twilight asked, putting her hoof to her head. "That's impossible. I set at least twice that many traps around town hall before the meeting. Where were they hiding?"

"They weren't hiding," Shooting said after Mork's cough. "They were right there in the crowd with the rest of the spectators."

Twilight stared at Mork, nonplussed. Looking confused himself, Mork said his name questioningly.

Shooting continued. "You had to have seen them at some point. They're all over town. They outnumber you. What about the other Twilight? You saw her, right?"

"Other...Twilight? There's another me walking around Ponyville?"

Shooting nodded after Mork's response. "Yes, she followed you around all day yesterday. You mean you didn't see her at all?"

Twilight shook her head, her face splattered with worry. Mork hummed, still looking confused.

"But...you talked to her," Shooting said. "She talked to you. Right?"

"Mork, I don't know what you're talking about. The only other me I've ever seen in Ponyville was from the future, and she was only here for a few seconds."

Mork groaned at Twilight's comment, squeezing the letter as he put his fist against his forehead. Shooting's mouth fell open.

"What is it, Shooting?" Celestia asked.

"He asked why this couldn't all just be about time travel," Shooting said, his enthusiasm gone. "And that we let two Blanks follow us into our big, magical tent yesterday." Twilight gasped, nervously glancing around the room.

"Mork," Celestia said, calm voice laced with urgency. "Tell me, are any of them in this room right now?" Mork looked around and shook his head.

Twilight grabbed the scroll from Mork. "Princess, if we can't see them, wouldn't that explain how they were able to deliver this letter in the first place without anypony knowing?"

"Indeed it would, Twilight. And if Mork's claims are correct, it seems they've already seen through our means of defense."

"Then why haven't they attacked yet?" Twilight asked. "If they got into Twinklespark, that means even the Test of Harmony spell is useless against them."

"I can think of only one reason," Celestia said, pointing to the top of Twilight's head. "They are having the same problem that we are with them."

"You mean...they can't see the Elements of Harmony? I guess that would make sense...if they have no magic of their own."

"Mork?" Mork asked, raising his arm.

"The Elements of Harmony are the most powerful objects in all of Equestria," Shooting told him. "They have the power to defeat even the strongest of enemies all by themselves, and they're our only means of defense against those who want to tear our kingdom apart."

"Mork?" Mork asked.

"Yes, they're irreplaceable."

Mork scratched Opal's chin as he inattentively stepped past the three ponies, immersed in his thoughts until he hit his head against the front door. He turned around and morked at them.

"He just asked you a question, Your Perfectness," Shooting said, turning to his princess. "He wants to know if you want to keep your kingdom."

Jumping to the meaning of his statement, Celestia looked to Mork. "What are you suggesting?"

Mork sneezed before he could reply, and Shooting stepped in to translate. "He says he's dealt with their type before. If we can take out the Main Blank, the one that gives them all their power, then your kingdom would sooner be overthrown by a burnt casserole than by them."

"And how do we find this Main Blank?" Twilight asked.

Mork pointed to himself and morked again. "He says he might be up for that," Shooting said. "But he requests compensation."

"You want us to pay you?" Twilight asked.

"Very well, Mork," Celestia said. "Name your price."

Mork glared at them as he pulled out Shooting's hammer from behind his back. He threw it to the ground and aggressively barked his name. Shooting looked up to the princess. "He wants his hammer back."

"His hammer?" Celestia looked to Twilight.

"Fluttershy was holding a blue hammer when we carried Rarity's diamond back yesterday," Twilight said. "I think I saw her holding it at the town meeting."

"So do we have a deal?" Shooting asked as Mork extended his glove to the princess, smiling as if he were asking the princess for her soul.

At the sight of his smile, Twilight stepped in between them. "Will you excuse us for a second?" she said to Mork, drawing up a soundproof barrier around her and the princess.

"I'm not so sure about this, Princess," she whispered. "Even if Mork's telling the truth, how do we know he's not working for these Blanks? How do we know he's not this Main Blank he's talking about?"

"There is much that we don't know, Twilight," Celestia said. "But what I do know is that someone wishes to see something valuable to us taken away, and until now we have been powerless to do anything about it. We can't afford to wait for the enemy to strike any more. It is time for us to strike back."

The Princess's horn lit up as she dropped the barrier and summoned a vial of light blue liquid, shoving it right into Shooting's mouth and keeping it there until the liquid was gone.

"Princess," Shooting said, gasping for breath, "what about tradition?"

"The time for jokes is over, Shooting," Celestia said. "Now please put the smooze away. You and Mork have a mission to complete."

Twilight raised her foreleg. "But Princess…"

"Smooze, fetch me my hat and jump inside," Shooting ordered, his voice proud and excited. "It's mission time." The smooze followed his instructions and filled into the hat as Shooting placed it on his head. "I am the greatest inventor the world has ever known!" He teleported over to the door and opened it. "Feels so good to be able to say that again."

With the door open, Celestia addressed her guards. "Go to town hall," she said. "I need you to find a blue hammer and bring it to me. Do not dawdle. You are to treat that hammer as if it were one of the Elements of Harmony itself. Understood?" The guards saluted and raced away as she turned back to Mork. "Is this enough?"

Mork smiled, a glint in his eye as he dashed outside, shouting his name once more as he left. Shooting teleported outside, looking back to them. "Mork says you made a smart decision," he said. "And that the winds of change just shifted in your favor." With that, he closed the door behind him and then fixed the large hole in the wall with a quick zap from the outside.

"Princess, did I miss something?" Twilight asked. "Why are we giving Mork this huge responsibility? Why are we even believing a word he says? He could have just run off to turn Mr. Cake into a coffee table."

"Twilight, several minutes ago, you cast a spell on Mork that revealed his innermost thoughts to the entire town. Did you see any thoughts about him attempting to deceive us?"

"But those weren't his real thoughts. They couldn't have been. They didn't even make sense." Twilight stopped as she heard what she just said.

Celestia smiled, pushing aside one of Twilight's telescopes to peek out the window. "That cloud you made is called a Dream Puff." She stared up at the festively shaped clouds above them. "It's been awhile since I've seen one, but I'm certainly no stranger to them. We invented them as a simple way of delving into one's subconscious. They don't always reflect exactly what you're thinking, but they never reflect something you wouldn't think."

"So...he thinks Fluttershy has heat vision?"

"At some level. And he also believes me a conceited ruler who thinks very little of him. He's actually quite the prideful one."

"I picked up on that." Twilight narrowed her eyes for a moment, then her eyes shot back up to her princess. "Wait, so if you knew that already, then...did you egg him on? To get him to read that letter?"

"I just issued him a challenge, and he accepted it." Celestia smiled slyly at her student. "He did want to form an alliance with us, after all."

"And you think asking him to help us stop this threat is a good idea?"

"Twilight, let me ask you: Do you still believe that his arrival and this threat are somehow connected?"

"I...I still have my suspicions. But I have to admit. I don't see how it's possible."

"I agree. Even his ability to see these Blanks wouldn't explain the timing of our figuring out how to bring him here, and his Dream Puff showed us no ill will. I suggest you watch him closely, and make sure you have the Elements ready in case Mork manages to find this 'Main Blank.'"

"Of course, Princess," Twilight said as she scribbled down some notes on her desk.

"In the meantime, I shall begin researching everything and anything I can about these creatures." She turned from the window and faced the door. "The fact that I know nothing about them has me deeply disturbed. Perhaps I can find a way to remember my past with the author of this letter."

Celestia hesitated before opening the door. "Oh, and before I forget, have you been feeling better, Twilight? Any recent headaches since yesterday?"

Twilight looked up from her notes. "Actually, no. I've been feeling great. That liquid sleep Headmaster Star gave me really did the trick. Just one drop kept me up all night. I gave the rest to Spike. He's really gotten behind on his sleep lately. I thought he could use it."

Rarity burst into the room with a bowl floating beside her head. "All right then. Who's hungry?"

"It took you all that time just to make a bowl of cereal?" Twilight asked.

"I had to take out all the marshmallows," Rarity whispered, her eyes wandering around the room. "Where'd Mork go? Where'd he take my precious, little Opal?"

"No time to explain, Rarity. We have to find the others. It's time for the Elements of Harmony to come together!"

Rarity dropped the cereal to the floor, the milk seeping out from under the bowl. "Oh...yay."

Rainbow gulped down the last few drops of the dark blue drink, exhaling in satisfaction as she tossed the glass container in a direction that didn't concern her. She set her spongy, red nose back into place and leapt to the sky, whirring around a candle-shaped cloud until it resembled her energetic self.

"Now that's what I'm talking about!" she exclaimed as she landed back on the ground and trotted in place. "What was in that stuff, Spike?"

"Never mind that," Spike said, cupping his claws around his mouth to call out, "You find it yet?"

"Just a sec." A stained, amber cloth forced its way out from behind the newspaper stand, and Scootaloo's head popped out from behind it. "I knew nopony would look back here. The only ponies who even read the paper have it delivered to them."

"So you got it then?" Rainbow asked, her newfound energy fueling her excited smile. "My necklace is under that sheet?"

"See for yourself," Scootaloo said, grabbing the edge of the tarp in her teeth and tugging on it. The cloth flew off, revealing a beat-up, yellow bird cage underneath it. The prisoner that waited inside caught Spike by surprise.

"You actually caught the owl?" he asked, leaning up against the bars and startling the bird off its perch.

"What, you mean you're surprised?" Scootaloo asked, casually leaning against the newspaper stand. "This thing may be able to fly, but it's a total birdbrain. It tried to give me the slip, but then we passed by some gems somepony left lying around in this big, empty dirt patch. The owl dove on top of them like it was under some kind of spell, and all I had to do was grab the biggest one and get it to follow me right back into Ponyville." She tapped the cage twice. "I found this baby over by Fluttershy's cottage and threw the gem inside. Dumb bird went right in. I guess Miss Cheerilee was right. Owls do like shiny things."

"You are so awesome!" Rainbow said, snatching Scootaloo off the ground and spinning her around before pulling her in for a hug. "I know I said I owe you one before, but this time I owe you like ten."

"Don't mention it, Rainbow Dash," Scootaloo said, her cheeks reddening as she struggled to keep her smile under control. "Although if you wanted to mention it to everypony at my school after you take off the clown outfit, I'd be cool with that."

Rainbow laughed as she set Scootaloo down, rubbing her mane like a magic lamp.

"So did the owl eat the necklace or what?" Spike asked, holding up the cage as he peered into it.

"What do you mean?" Scootaloo asked with a laugh, unwillingly turning away from Rainbow's acclamations. "It's in its beak." A shadow of fear swept over her face. "Why do you look like you're about to tell me the Tooth Fairy's not real?"

Spike shook his head and set the cage down, sorrowfully turning away from them.

"No!" Scootaloo forced herself out of Rainbow's grasp and pounced on the cage, knocking it on its side along with its prisoner. "It took me until sundown to catch that thing! It can't not have it!" She held back her tears but was powerless to stop them all. "It can't. It just can't."

"Scootaloo, get ahold of yourself," Rainbow said, pulling her off the cage and shaking her. "This isn't over yet. We can still fix this."

"Yeah," Spike said. "All we gotta do is retrace your steps and figure out where the owl dropped it."

"Are you nuts?" Rainbow asked, letting Scootaloo fall. "That'll take forever." She grabbed the cage and set it upright again, pointing to the owl inside. "Listen you, I don't know why you stole my necklace or what kinda deal with Discord you made to be able to see it, but you're Fluttershy's owl, right? You gotta be at least tame or something. So if I let you out, can you take us to where you took that necklace?"

"Let it out?" Scootaloo asked, her eyes wide and fearful. "After all I did to catch it?"

The owl matched Rainbow's stare with its large, unblinking eyes. It held perfectly still as if it were attempting to disguise itself as a stuffed toy. Then it spread its wings as far as it could from inside the cage and replied with a lighthearted hoot, its beak curved up as if it were smiling at them.

Rainbow eyed it closely, trying to gauge how honest it looked. Unfortunately, she wasn't sure how to tell if an owl looked honest. "You're lucky we're in a hurry," she said as she opened the latch.

"You sure about this, Rainbow?" Spike asked as the bird flew out and excitedly circled above them. "I don't trust that thing as far as Scootaloo could throw it."

"That thing's laughing at me. I can hear it," Scootaloo said, seething up at it.

"Hey, right now that owl's the only one who knows where it is," Rainbow said. "And now that I'm wide awake, there's no chance of it getting away from us." She dashed into the sky right in front of the owl, stopping it where it flew. "You got any better ideas?"

"Fine," Spike said, looking up as the owl landed on his head and hooted excitedly again. "I guess we've got nothing to lose."

"We've got everything to lose," Scootaloo said, pulling Spike onto her scooter. "Now hold on tight. Otherwise we'll be seeing how far I can throw you."

At Rainbow's command, the owl saluted and took off, leading the three of them out of Ponyville and back toward the winding mountain path it had flown over yesterday. Though the situation wasn't ideal, Rainbow was at least relieved to be searching out of town. It meant Twilight was unlikely to spot them and that no one else would have to see her dressed as a clown.

"And after that I'll rub your feet and make you brunch and fluff your tail and read you all the stories I own. You'll see, Angel. I'll make sure you get all the love and attention you deserve."

Having caught up to Angel and coaxed him back onto her head, Fluttershy couldn't take her eyes off him as she escorted him back home, using everything in her arsenal to get him into a happier mood.

Angel had once again closed himself off to her, but he kept one eye open as if to show he was still listening. Though Fluttershy had nearly run out of luxuries to promise him, she continued to fire them off one after another, paying no mind to anything else as she kept walking forward. The gardener sidestepped her, and the taxi driver stopped in time, but the mailbox unfortunately didn't have the manners to let her pass.

The second she recovered from the collision, Fluttershy gasped and stooped down to tend to her fallen pet, scooping him up with one hoof and gingerly petting him with the other. "Are you okay? Should I call a doctor? And maybe a therapist?"

"Well, well, if it isn't Fluttershy? Just the mare I've been wanting to see."

Fluttershy and Angel squinted as they looked up to a bright light that shined down on them. Placing her hoof over her forehead, Fluttershy identified the source of the light as a brown stallion wearing a green baseball cap and a flour-stained apron. He smiled at her so brilliantly that it was reflecting the light of the sun into her eyes.

"Oh, hello, Mr. Rich," Fluttershy said, waving up at him as she lay in the dirt.

Before she knew it, Filthy Rich had stood her back up and wrapped his hoof around her neck. "I'm glad I caught you. I never got a chance to really thank you for all the help you've given me these past few days. I don't even want to think what might have happened if you hadn't been there to help me with that Mork fellow."

"Don't mention it, Mr. Rich," Fluttershy said, anxiously glancing at the bunny in her grasp. "Please, I'm begging you."

"I'm afraid I can't do that," Filthy said. "You did my family and I quite the service. Where I come from, ponies that serve my family get paid. And I come from Ponyville." He dropped an open sack about half Fluttershy's size right in front of her, a few excess bits spilling out of it. Springing to life, Angel squirmed out of Fluttershy's fostering grip and dove into the bag without a second thought.

Fluttershy looked down at the bag and replied just as quickly. "Mr. Rich, I couldn't possibly accept this much money." Angel stuck his head back out, signaling her to stop talking with his eyes. Fluttershy continued. "I mean, I don't mean to walk over your family traditions, but there's no need to pay me for taking care of an animal. It's what I live for."

"I figured you'd say that," Filthy said, lifting Angel out of the bag and handing him back to his owner before sliding the bag back toward himself. "But you should at least take these." Filthy dropped a second sack onto her back, knocking her flat on her stomach. This one was twice her size and overflowed with bright pink cupcakes. "They were made with love just this morning," he said.

"Then how could I say no?" Fluttershy asked, straining to get her words out as she fought against the weight of her gift. Picking up one of the spilled cupcakes, Angel scarfed it down and dove into the new sack just as cheerfully as the first.

Opening the front door of Filthy's house, Pinkie Pie bounced outside, still dressed in her mime outfit. She pulled out a megaphone and called out to him. "Filthy! The next batch is ready!"

"Oh, excuse me," Filthy said, giggling in delight as he dashed into his house and slammed the door behind him, leaving Pinkie outside.

"Wow, Pinkie," Fluttershy said, forcing herself out from under the bag. "You weren't kidding about cheering up Mr. Rich. What did you say to him?"

"Silly Fluttershy," Pinkie said, bouncing over to the fence Fluttershy was standing behind. "Mimes don't cheer ponies up by talking to them. Then again, it is April Foal's Day, so maybe they do. What do you think, Gummy?" Pinkie's pet alligator popped out of her mane wearing a set of false teeth with a cupcake in between them. It made no attempt to chew and just let it sit there.

"You've really made a lot of progress on your Cupcake-A-Thon," Fluttershy said, looking to the bag Angel was swimming in. "Isn't it a bit early, though? I thought it wasn't for another two days."

"Oh, these aren't for the Cupcake-A-Thon," Pinkie said, grabbing Gummy's cupcake and taking a bite.

"Then why—" Fluttershy jumped back as an entire tray of cupcakes was shoved near her face.

"Get 'em while they're hot!" Filthy shouted, taking a big whiff of his creations. "Just try not to burn your tongue."

"Um, Mr. Rich?" Fluttershy asked, peeking out from behind the mailbox. "Why are you in such a good mood? If you don't mind me asking, that is."

"Why wouldn't I be?" Filthy asked, flinging his tray of cupcakes away. "Profits are up, the weather's perfect, and my little girl made a new friend. Everything's going great."

Pinkie came running up with the flung tray in her mouth, her tail wagging as she spit it out at his hooves. "Wow, really?" she asked. "Profits are up? Even with the rising costs of shipping eating away at your bottom line?"

"Not an issue," Filthy said. "Who do you think the railroad owners buy their tracks from? They're eating bread crumbs out of my pocket, and paying me for the privilege. I tell you, I feel invincible right now." He joyfully leapt into the air, getting up about half as high as his mailbox. A small crunching noise and a single tear seeping out of his eye signaled his landing. "Scratch that. I can't move."

Pinkie raised her foreleg and chopped him in the back, causing him to arch forward. He rotated his torso to get a feel for her treatment and smiled. "Thanks, Pinkie." He slid her the first bag he had offered Fluttershy. "I'll just stick to being happy on the ground."

"Your daughter made a new friend?" Fluttershy asked. "That's funny. I saw her yesterday when I rushed out to find…" She looked to the bag of cupcakes. "...toothpaste."

"Really, now," Filthy said. "Did you see happen to catch who her new friend was? Diamond really seemed to like her."

Fluttershy shook her head. "I'm sorry. I didn't notice. I was a bit preoccupied with...the toothpaste." Angel stuck his head out of the bag, arching an eyebrow at her.

"That's too bad," Filthy said, leaning forward to stretch out his back. "I wanted to send her a trainload of cupcakes as a way of saying thanks."

"Isn't that a little much?" Fluttershy asked.

"No, Fluttershy. Weren't you listening?" Pinkie asked. "The railroad's gonna pay for most of it."

"It sure will," Filthy said. "And even if it weren't, it'd be a small price to pay. You should have seen my daughter jumping me out of my bed this morning to make some cupcakes. She hasn't done that in years. Plus, this friend of hers gave her a pink diamond as a present. That's not the kind of gift you hand out like a friendship bracelet. Not even I can easily get my hooves on one of those. I hope it's not fake. Diamond would be heartbroken. Or furious. I'm not too sure what her policy is with her friends."

"It's not fake," Fluttershy said, grabbing Filthy's attention back. "My friend Rarity wouldn't have screamed like that if it was."

"Oh, so you were there when she got it?" Filthy asked.

"I think so. Actually, that diamond used to be a lot bigger, but it got broken into little pieces."

Filthy laughed. "So my daughter's new friend broke a diamond? That makes sense. Her mom always said she could tame a dragon if she put her mind to it."

Fluttershy held silent until Filthy finished laughing. "Actually, the one who broke the diamond was Mork. But I don't think—"

"Aha!" Pinkie shouted. "So Mork is Dimey's new friend. It all makes sense now."

"What? No, that doesn't make sense at all," Fluttershy said. "She wanted to banish him to the Everfree Forest. That's not something friends say to each other."

"She was just joking around again," Pinkie said. "Dimey and Mork are great friends. You saw them together yesterday, right, Filthy? They were like two birds with one stone."

Filthy pulled at his tie. "Well, I did get the feeling she might have hated him a little...too strongly."

Pinkie barely let him finish before continuing. "Besides, I'm sure Dimey would make a great role model for him."

Filthy looked at her. "Excuse me?"

"What? You don't think so?" Pinkie asked.

Filthy's flinched at her statement. "Y-yes, of course I think so, but aren't role models generally older than the one they're modelling for?"

"Oh, that's right, Mr. Rich," Fluttershy said. "We never told you. Mork's just a baby, probably even younger than Spike." She smiled, failing to notice that Angel had dropped his cupcake. "Twilight thinks he's just about a year away from being able to talk." Fluttershy sadly looked to the ground. "Although, I guess that doesn't matter now. He's probably already gone by now."

Panic formed across Filthy's face. "Gone? What do you mean 'gone'? My daughter's new friend can't be gone! Why would he be gone?"

"He has to go home today. He's too young to—"

"Unless you're finishing that sentence with 'die', I'm going to have to strongly disagree." He forcibly stomped his hoof, leaving an impression in the dirt and a stinging pain in his back. He collapsed to the ground, groaning at the pain.

"Mr. Rich, are you okay?" Fluttershy asked, wincing as Pinkie chopped him again.

"Not...if my daughter's friendless." He slowly rose off the ground. "Is there any way you can get to him before he leaves?"

"Well, I guess it's possible," Fluttershy said. "He was supposed to leave right after the town meeting, and it's only been a few minutes since I saw him there."

"What does he like?" Filthy asked.

"He likes sweets," Pinkie said. "No, wait, he loves those. We'll have to think of something else."

"Perfect." Filthy struggled to grab hold of the pan of cupcakes he had dropped. "Pinkie, I don't care what it takes. Find Mork and make sure he stays right here in Ponyville. Give him these cupcakes. Tell him there's plenty more where that came from. Tell him he can have all the ice cream he can eat if he comes to Sugarcube Corner at three o'clock. Offer him my house if you need to. Just don't let my daughter lose her new friend!"

Apple Bloom's mouth hung open like a broken gate on a windy day. She shook her head as she looked to her clubhouse's flooring, utter confusion on her face. "Ya can't be serious," she said, lifting her head to read her sister's expression.

"I ain't nothing but," Applejack said, her resolute eyes locked on her sister. "Your teacher talked some sense into her yesterday, and now she wants to make nice with y'all. I for one think it's mighty considerate of her."

"Oh yeah? Well, if she's so considerate, then what are you doin' here?" Apple Bloom peeked her head over the windowsill to sneak a peek outside. Diamond stood below them, scrubbing her tongue with a cupcake beside her cart.

Applejack grabbed the window's curtains and pulled them together, blocking her sister's view of the outside. "I came here 'cause I knew you'd get termites in yer tail the second she got within six hundred yards of the place."

"Well I wouldn't be surprised if she put 'em there," Apple Bloom said, sliding her tail up to her face. "That filly's gone—"

"That is enough, Apple Bloom!" Applejack said, startling her sister against the wall. "You've been scared silly of this filly for one stinkin' day, and you've already lost our kayak, burnt dinner, got Winona caught in a tree, let a giant spider loose into Ponyville, and cost Big McIntosh a night's worth a sleep 'cause you kept thinkin' you heard gigglin'. This has to stop."

"Really?" Apple Bloom asked, looking relieved. "You mean yer gonna call in the nice ponies in white to get some bubble wrap and—"

"Yer gonna go out there and spend the day with her."

"What?" Apple Bloom threw herself against the wall. "No! No way! You can't make me!"

"It's for yer own good, Apple Bloom." Applejack reached out to grab her shoulder.

"Don't come any closer!" Apple Bloom said, swatting her sister's hoof away. "She—she got to you too, didn't she? Just like she got to Sweetie Belle!"

Sweetie Belle peeked her head in from the clubhouse door, opening it widely to fit her large hat through it. "Good to see she didn't get to you," she mumbled.

"Apple Bloom, just listen to me," Applejack said, lowering her volume.

"No! You need to listen to me for once!" Apple Bloom shouted. "You weren't there! You didn't see the look she gave me after I broke her tiara!"

"I did," Sweetie said, shutting the door behind her as she came inside. "I mean, yeah, she was mad, but she wasn't prowl-Sweet-Apple-Acres-at-night mad."

"Mad?" Apple Bloom asked, jumping up in agitation. "I think she was bitin' my ear with just her eyes so she could breathe fire down my back. She was ready to melt me down and wear me on her head. Are you tellin' me that all that's gone just 'cause Miss Cheerilee said some stuff to her yesterday?"

"I am, and so is Miss Cheerilee," Applejack said, her voice almost monotone in its serenity. "Are you tellin' me you don't believe us?"

Apple Bloom looked away. "I—I wanna believe ya, Applejack. Honest. It's just...the look she gave me that day...I saw it again." She swallowed hard. "It was yesterday in class. Same wild eyes, same angry eyebrows, only thing different was that she was smiling."

She shuddered. "That smile. It was like the smile of somepony who threw part of herself away and was glad to see it go. Like she unlocked something evil that's been hiding inside her all this time. Now everytime I see her face, everytime I hear her name, that smile pops up in my brain and I just think...she's still wearin' it."

Sweetie put her hoof to her mouth. "Well, when you put it that way…"

"Apple Bloom," Applejack said, removing her hat. "You're really scared of her, ain't ya?"

"A course I am!" Apple Bloom shouted. "Have ya heard one word I've said?"

Applejack's eyes fell to the floor. "I guess I still need to work on that." She threw her forelegs around her sister and pulled her into a hug. "I'm sorry, Apple Bloom. Here I'm tryin' to be a better big sister, and I'm still makin' the same ol' mistakes. Can ya ever forgive me?"

"Applejack…" Apple Bloom smiled and returned the hug. "Ya don't have to apologize. Where am I gonna find a better big sister than you?"

Applejack pulled away. "Really? You mean that?"

Apple Bloom glared at her. "You callin' me a dirty liar?" she asked, getting a small chuckle out of her sister.

"All right, Apple Bloom," Applejack said. "Let's go."

"Right," Apple Bloom said, grabbing onto Sweetie's hat. "I'll hide under Sweetie's giant hat again, and you tell Diamond I fell into a wormhole or somethin'."

Applejack pushed down on the hat, keeping it on Sweetie's head. "Apple Bloom, I still meant what I said before. You gotta make nice with her."

"What? But—"

"Admittin' yer fear's the first step. But that fear ain't gonna go away until you take it by the horns." She walked over to the window and pulled the curtains apart.

"She...she don't have horns." Shaking, Apple Bloom peeked out the window again. Diamond was still waiting below, bathing her tongue in frosting. She caught Apple Bloom looking at her out of the corner of her eye, and quickly put the cupcake back on the tray to smile and wave.

"Ah!" Apple Bloom ducked under the window frame, placing her forelegs over her eyes. "She's callin' in her attack frogs!" She felt a hoof on the top of her head and looked up to her sister's determined stare. "Or...waving."

"Applejack's right, Apple Bloom," Sweetie said. "You don't have to be scared. I hung out with Diamond all day yesterday, and I had tons of fun. I got shot out of a cannon, attacked by a monster, yelled at by my sister—hey!"

Applejack smiled after pushing Sweetie's oversized hat over her face. "What we're trying to say is that the only thing down there is a little pony that wants to have some fun with y'all. And the longer you stay up here, the longer yer missin' out on that fun."

Apple Bloom rose to her hooves, turning her eyes up like a lost sheep. "You'll come with me, won't ya?"

Applejack almost looked hurt. "Apple Bloom, I wouldn't dream of leaving you at a time like this."

Applejack led her sister outside, she and Sweetie fighting against her as she tried to drag her hooves. They pushed her all the way down the ramp and over to the cart of cupcakes, the three of them putting up a friendly front as they prepared to greet their special guest.

Diamond beat them to the punch, however, by holding up a piece of paper and asking, "Is this supposed to be me?"

Apple Bloom's friendly demeanor snapped off like a stale pretzel. "Abort mission! Mayday! Mayday!" She grabbed Sweetie's hat off her head, Applejack nonchalantly snatching it away before she could disappear underneath it.

"This is the paper Scootaloo was drawing on, right?" Diamond asked, looking it over.

"It's not what you think," Sweetie Belle said, swiping the paper and shoving it into Apple Bloom's mouth. "Scootaloo was just...practicing her drawing...on her Friends For Never list. And she drew you twice."

Diamond raised an eyebrow as she turned her attention to Apple Bloom. "This was your idea, wasn't it?"

Apple Bloom nearly choked on the list as she violently spit it out. "What?" She picked the dampened paper off the ground and feverishly looked it over it. "That ain't even fair! How could you possibly think that?"

Diamond shrugged. "It just seems like something you'd do, saying we can never be friends twice and all."

"I never said nothing like that in my life!" Apple Bloom shouted.

Diamond shook her head with a sigh. "There you go again. You silly farmponies and your double negatives."

"Huh?" Applejack and Apple Bloom said in unison.

"You didn't have to keep it a secret," Diamond said, placing her hoof over her heart. "I'm honored that you think we can never never be friends." She looked toward her back. "And now I've even got a cape to prove it."

Apple Bloom held silent in a stupefied daze, and none of Applejack's prodding was going to distract her from it.

"That's a great hat, Sweetie Belle," Diamond said, pointing up to it.

"What, this?" Sweetie bashfully took it off. "Nah, I think it's kinda silly."

"Not on you," Diamond said, her eyes glowing with thought. "Maybe we could try to get you a modelling cutie mark."

"Modelling?" Sweetie asked. "But where are we gonna find enough paper mache?"

Diamond placed her hoof under her chin. "Now let me think. We could use some of my old clothes, but Dazzle still isn't in the best mood after that shoddy dry cleaning job yesterday."

"Dazzle?" Applejack asked.

Diamond responded without looking. "He's my cat. You've never met him. He doesn't like outdoors or ponies in general."

"Neither does my sister's cat!" Sweetie shouted. "Can I meet him? I've always wondered what kind of pet you'd have."

Diamond looked at her oddly. "Why would you wonder—never mind. You can meet him some other time. I know where we need to go."

"Away from Apple Bloom?" Apple Bloom asked, jerking back with a shout as Diamond clapped her hooves together.

"All right, Crusaders. Follow me. It's cutie mark time." She turned around and began pushing her cart away from the clubhouse. Sweetie and Applejack followed, doing the same with Apple Bloom. Eventually, Apple Bloom tired of being pushed and started walking, though she still kept her distance from Diamond, clinging to her sister like an extra limb. Applejack, seeing how little progress was being made, decided to keep the ball rolling.

"So, Diamond Tiara, how'd that party of yours go?" she asked.

"Party?" Diamond asked, curiously looking back to her. "What party?"

"You know, the one Pinkie Pie threw ya yesterday."

Diamond stopped walking until she came up with an answer. "Oh, you mean the one I'm having later today. I'm sure it'll be great. My dad rented out Sugar Cube Corner so the two of us could have an ice cream banquet together." She turned to Sweetie. "I'd invite the rest of you, but we want it to be just the two of us."

"An ice cream banquet?" Sweetie asked. "But you can't have ice cream. Your dad said so, remember?"

"Oh, that," Diamond said, hesitating for a moment. "Well, you know how grown-ups like to overreact. He decided one day was punishment enough."

Sweetie came to a standstill. "But wasn't that the whole reason you—"

"Hey, we're here," Diamond said, walking up to the front gate and pulling it open. "You three wait here. I'll be right back." She passed the gate and cantered up to the ornate, purple door, knocking on it twice. Sweetie turned to Apple Bloom, who still seemed uneasy but had considerably more smugness on her face.

After about half a minute of waiting, the door pulled open and Diamond greeted the one standing in the doorway. "Silver Spoon, just the filly I've been wanting to see."

"Diamond Tiara?" Silver Spoon asked, opening the door wider. Her mane hung low and unbraided, and she wore a wooly, orange bathrobe along with some fluffy, blue slippers. She looked Diamond over with her eyes half-closed and asked, "What are you wearing?"

"Oh, you mean my new cape?" Diamond asked, twirling around to let the wind catch it. "You like it?"

Silver said nothing, staring at Diamond with a look of tired confusion before her eyes flew open, and she anxiously looked down at her own clothes. "Today's April 1st, isn't it?" She cried out in frustration almost immediately. "I'm sorry, Diamond. I completely forgot."

"Don't worry about it, Silver Spoon," Diamond said. "Just get a calendar and—"

"No, I mean I forgot our special holiday tradition. I just had so much on my mind yesterday that it didn't even cross my mind." Silver sighed as she grabbed Diamond's cape to look at it closely. "And you really went all out this year too. This scrap of cloth has to be the ugliest thing you've ever worn. You even put that dorky Cutie Mark Crusader emblem on it. Talk about dedication."

"Hey, that emblem's not dorky!" Sweetie Belle dashed up to the doorstep, stopping right beside Diamond. "A little plain, maybe, but it's not dorky!"

"Sweetie Belle, what are you doing here?" Diamond asked, looking back toward the gate.

"Yeah," Silver said with a glare. "What are you doing here? This is private property, and unless you're part of the cleaning crew, you don't belong here."

"Fine," Sweetie said, sticking her nose up as she turned around. "I didn't want to come here, anyway." She started to walk away until Silver's voice rang out again.

"And nice try with the hat," Silver said. "But we can totally still see your blank flank. Next time, why don't you try covering it up with a cutie mark like normal ponies?"

"I am a normal pony!" Sweetie shouted, twirling back around. "Diamond, tell her!"

"All right, what's all the fuss about?" Applejack asked, escorting Apple Bloom up to the door. "I'm hearing too much hollerin' for this to be goin' well."

"Would you all get off my front lawn?" Silver shouted as they neared the door. She put her hooves over her eyes. "I'm not in the mood for all this right now."

"Don't worry about it, Silver Spoon," Diamond said, placing her hoof on Silver's shoulder. "They're with me."

Silver pulled her hooves away, looking as if Diamond had said her mailbox was running for mayor. "But they're them."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Apple Bloom asked.

"Diamond, what's going on?" Silver Spoon asked. "Did you start a new holiday tradition without telling me?"

"No, nothing like that," Diamond said. "I just decided it was time we broadened our circle a little. You know, like they do in the movies."

"In the movies, the losers make friends with the cool ponies, not the other way around."

"Are they always this blunt?" Applejack whispered to her sister, who nodded without thought.

"I wanted to tell you more delicately, but I guess it's faster this way," Diamond said. "It's not a problem, though, right?"

Silver Spoon's glower flew right off her face, and she took a step back. "Oh, uh, of course I am. I just wasn't sure you were is all. My horoscope, like, totally said ponies who barge onto your front lawn before noon make the best friends."

"Perfect, so can we come inside?" Diamond asked, stepping forward. "We needed to borrow your old wardrobe for a little—" Diamond stopped as Silver's hoof slammed against the door frame.

"No, you can't come in," Silver said, her eyes jittering around.

"What, why not?" Diamond asked.

"Because you—" Silver yawned. "Sorry, I'm still a little tired."

Diamond put her hoof over her mouth. "Oh, was it that dumb owl again?"

Silver shook her head, rubbing her eye. "No, not this time."

"Great, so we can come in then," Diamond said, getting blocked again by Silver's hoof.

"Let's just go, Diamond," Sweetie said, turning away again. "I guess she doesn't want any new friends."

"It's not because of you," Silver said. "My mom's having the whole house cleaned. I'm not allowed any visitors until they're done."

"Yeesh, what is it, spring?" Diamond asked.

"Uh-huh, but mainly she just wants to clean up the mess from her big fundraising party yesterday."

"Oh, right, you told me about that. Was it as boring as you thought it was gonna be?"

Silver Spoon stared back at her apathetically. "I spent three hours standing by the punchbowl reminding all my mom's friends what my name was."

Diamond laughed. She didn't laugh for very long, but she laughed. And after hearing it, Silver Spoon couldn't help but laugh too.

A fresh smile on her face, Silver asked, "So, how was your party last night?"

"Why do ponies keep asking me that?" Diamond asked. "My dad made me a cake. I'd hardly call that a party." Her eyes lit up. "That's it!" She grabbed Sweetie and shook her like a doll. "I know exactly how you can get your cutie mark."

"T-that's okay. I can wait." Sweetie said.

Diamond hopped off the doorstep and walked down the stone path, turning back to say, "I'll see you later, Silver Spoon. Try to get some more sleep, okay?"

"Wait," Silver called out, looking down at her clothes again. "Do you have another cape?" She shook off her robe and slippers and stepped outside, closing the door behind her. She threw her head back, instantly twirling her hair into a braid. "I want to come too."

Silver caught the cape as Diamond took hers off and threw it to her. "You're lucky," Diamond said. "Apple Bloom's sister cancelled the initiation ritual." She grabbed Sweetie's hoof and dragged her along as she left the yard. "Now follow me, everypony. We've got work to do."

Silver Spoon quickly put the cape on and raced after them, the Apple sisters followed closely behind.

"Apple Bloom," Applejack said, looking about as exhausted as Silver. "I ain't sayin' she's crazy. I ain't sayin' she's evil. But I gotta tell ya. I understand."

"All right. What's next? What's next?" Mr. Star looked over the list he had wrapped around his torso. "Your favorite sport. What's your favorite sport?"

The only one that matters. Tennischess.

"Mork," I said aloud.

Mr Star's laughter almost sounded mocking. "If you say so. I'm more of a checkersgolf fan myself."

Golfdraughts isn't a real sport. They don't even play it at the Olympics.

"Oh, here's an interesting one," he said, teleporting in front of me as his list made him look more and more like a mummy. "I heard you used that hammer of yours yesterday to break a diamond into little pieces. What spell did you use to pull that off?"

Stick to the uninteresting ones.

Shooting's smiling teeth disappeared into his beard after I morked again, and he turned away from me. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was such a touchy subject." He rolled up his list and sent it away into nothing. Then everything turned silent as we continued forward.

I didn't know how he was doing it. Maybe he was taking incredibly lucky guesses. Or maybe he was using some kind of magic spell. Honestly, I probably would have been more interested in understanding how he was reading my mind if I wasn't so enthralled by what it was letting me do.

There was no pretense, no hesitation, no nonsense of any kind. All I had to do was say one word, make one little noise, and this bearded horse would pour out my unfiltered thoughts for all to se, cutting out all the time I'd otherwise spend apologizing for phrasing something incorrectly or laughing at something that no one considered a joke.

It was amazing. With this magical translator by my side, I could say anything. No, I could say everything. And I could say it well. I could finally speak my mind.

And the timing couldn't have worked out better for my new allies. Team Magic, or at least the Horn half of it, was an absolute wreck. Clearly, they needed me if they wanted any hope of stopping this impending disaster. They couldn't see Blanks, they thought my gloves were removable, they had no concept of the kinetic properties of matter. It was like they had no grip on reality whatsoever.

Whatever they used to make the special glaze that protected their minds from the dark side of magic, they definitely needed to double check its side effects. And I needed to limit my exposure to magic as much as possible, which made Mr. Star an unfortunate permanent travelling companion.

He wasn't even walking beside me. He was keeping up with me by teleporting, as if he was mocking me with his magical abilities. Though to be fair, it was probably the only way he could keep up without stumbling over his facial hair. He seemed to be just as obsessed with magic as Twolight, but I was starting to think he'd trade in his magical powers if he could become me.

"So, Morky," Mr. Star said as he teleported next to me again, "we've been at this for a few minutes now. Do you see any—sweet smoozy sundaes!" Shooting grabbed me by the head with his magic and shoved his face against mine. "You never got your breakfast! I've got to get some food in you before you decide to hate it here and leave!"

He disappeared in a flash of dark light, reappearing almost instantly to say, "I'll be back as soon as I can. If you see any Blanks, beat them up until I get back." He teleported away once again, leaving me on a bridge somewhere in Ponyville with only a cat to protect myself with. Fortunately, that was all the protection I'd be needing. Spotting a bench about three leaps and a somersault away from me, I walked over to rest my legs, which were still trying to get used to supporting my entire body weight again.

Even given how far gone they were, it amazed me that Team Celestia actually saw the Blanks as a threat. What was there to be afraid of? We were the ones with the magic. What did it matter that the Blanks had the audience on their side? We could turn the audience into steamed asparagus, and their Board would probably only give them a minor citation.

The only thing that could possibly stop us would be one we're looking for now: the main protagonist of Equestria, the one with the power to overcome even the most airtight, inescapable dangers simply through the power of her own popularity.

I had to hand it to them. The plan they described in the letter sounded brilliant, but it was such a double-edge sword. And their end of the blade was only sharp because they knew how to exploit their opponents' literal blind spot. However, they didn't count on some meddling kid showing up and unmasking them.

Must be because they're the good guys.

My minion stood up on my shoulder, glaring toward the other side of the bench. I followed her gaze to see an odd transition effect that resembled the opening of a door. After that, everything turned to frosting.

"Oops! Sorry, Mork. Those were supposed to go in your mouth."

Recognizing the voice, I took the cupcakes off my eyes to find a mime smiling back at me. Her face was painted white, but the only clothing she wore was a beret, meaning her postage stamp was clearly visible. It was all I needed to identify her as Twolight's friendlier, brighter, blankier counterpart.

Does this mean I have to beat her up?

"So," she said, immediately defying the sacred code of miming conduct, "you got any snacks for me today?"

Without warning, she jammed her hoof into my ear and fiddled around in my head, no doubt searching for more of Rook's goodies. Meanwhile, my mind was journeying elsewhere. I was certain that Twolight spoke with Twilight yesterday. There was no denying that. Therefore, did that mean the Horns and Wings saw the Blanks as Horns and Wings too? Or did they look like cows or something? And why were there two Twilights? The clone explanation didn't work. They looked nothing alike. Was it somehow part of Twilight's cover?

Twilight shoved her other leg into the same ear, gasping in delight as she grabbed hold of something. With a gleeful, high-pitched squeal, she pulled her hooves out of my ear, and parsley exercise needn't break loud and fast. Why the route of the seventh kitchen? Not without a guardrail, I'd say.

"Sorry, Mork," Twilight said after shoving my brain back into my head. "I thought it was taffy."

"Mork!" I shouted at her, placing my hands over my ears. I knew we were enemies now, but some kinds of warfare were just unsportsmanlike. Even so, before I could sic my minion on her, a barrage of eureka shot across my newly reclaimed mind.

That's it! Twolight never actually referred to Twilight by name. Since she said she doesn't know of any other Twilight, she probably refers to her by a different name. I can think of only one explanation resulting from that fact: The Horns have to see Blanks as other Horns. More specifically, they see Twilight as a clone of Twolight. That's why Twilight decided to use a different name around them. So that it would look less suspicious and let her easily infiltrate their main circle. I wonder why I haven't heard her fake name yet. You'd think it would have come up by now.

"What are you daydreaming about, Mork?" Twilight asked, snapping me out of my imagination. "Did you remember where you put your snacks?"

I've got to calm down. If I make any noises, she might 'translate' my thoughts like how Mr. Star does. Then again, what are the odds she's also learned my amazing one-word vocabulary in such a short amount of time? Actually, scratch that. It'd be foolish to think she hasn't by now. She's probably had about as little exposure to magic as I have. I have to assume she's at least twenty times as smart as any Horn.

"Mork?" Twilight asked as if prompting another of yesterday's Mork battles.

Hang on a second. If she's really that smart, how do I know she hasn't already figured out my connection with the Horns? And if she hasn't, this is a prime opportunity to get information from her about the main protagonist. I can only imagine what she knows about Applejack and the others. I could possibly learn everything from her.

You sure could! There's nothing I don't know about my friends. Betcha can't guess what Applejack's favorite sport is!

Pulled from my thoughts again, I lifted my chin off my knuckle and slowly looked aside. She was still smiling at me, a perfect look of feigned ignorance on her face. If she hadn't said anything, I would have had no clue she was even doing it. It was like she was toying with me.

Her smile grew wider as if it were being fed by my surprise. Wait, are we playing a mind game? I love those! Don't you? What other kinds of games do you like? My favorite's pin the tail on the pony. Do you know that one? How about charades? Red rover? Musical chairs? Simon Says? Blind pony's bluff?

I have to stay calm. I have to stay in control. If she's being this blatant about it, she has to have some—did you say Simon Says?

Twilight lit up like a neon sign. Yeah, you've played it before? Don't you just love it when you play it with a bunch of your friends?

An understatement if I've ever heard one. Back when I was—wait a second. You're not a bad guy, right?

Twilight pointed to herself. Me, a bad guy? I don't think so. Ha! Get it?

Then why are you in here? Invading someone else's inner voice is a class two public felony. Good guys can only afford one of those on their morality record per month at most.

Really? My bad. I didn't—whoops.

"My bad. I didn't know," Twilight said. She reached over to me and pulling something off my head. It looked like a small, green lizard creature with giant teeth. She held it by its tail while looking at it with annoyance. "Why didn't you tell me, Gummy? You're usually so on top of that kind of stuff."

How long was that thing on my head? What was it doing there? Was it...leeching my thoughts to her?

"Hang on a second. I thought you weren't old enough to talk yet," Twilight said, looking back to me. "Has it been a year already?"

It was all a ploy. The mime outfit, the brain pull, the non-sequiturs. All of it was to sneak her leech onto my head and get to my thoughts. She's good. Too good. If she were the main Blank, she'd have tricked Twolight into throwing the Elements of Harmony into a volcano years ago. But if it's not her, then who?

"Oh, I get it," Twilight said, letting her Gummy minion clamp onto her own hair. "You've got to learn to think before you can talk. Am I right?"

I had no idea she was this devious. I can't even read past her facade. Maybe I should check to make sure she's really a protagonist.

"Oh my goodness!" Twilight shouted, leaping off the bench.

Yep, that's a protagonist for you. Always reminding us of her goodness.

"I almost forgot to tell you what I came here to tell you. Do you want to come to a party today at Sugarcube Corner?"

So if a mime costume is a distraction to get a brain leech on me, what does a party invitation translate to? Maybe it's a brainwashing ritual.

"Well, Mork, do you?" she asked.

"Mork," I said, shaking my head. I better not take any chances. If I'm wrong, I could end up going to an actual party.

"But Mork, Filthy begged me to make sure you'd be there. He said he'll pull the moon out of the sky and gift wrap it for you if you'll show up."

Oh, so this is Mr. Rich's idea. Does that make him an even more powerful mastermind than Twilight here? Guess it's not him either.

"I could be the entertainment. I know! I could throw a puppet show." She brought out her childishly simple moose puppet from yesterday. "Mr. Happy made a full recovery this morning, and he's all ready for duty." The puppet saluted in agreement.

Actually, come to think of it, I've never considered Mr. Rich's role in the Blank hierarchy. One of his three children is a Horn, if he's only got three, and his wife's on par with Applejack in infiltrating my side's main group. If he's that involved, an interview with him could be all I need. I can't pass up something like that.

"Mork mork," I said, suddenly hoping I didn't just tell her my previous thoughts.

"All right!" Pinkie jumped into the air as a stray firework shot off behind her. "I'll go tell Filthy you'll be there." She bounced down the street, hopping back and forth between the left and right sides of it. "The party's at three o'clock!" she called out. "Hope you have fun!"

As I watched her leave, my minion tapped me on the side of the head. Before I turned to see what it was, I got a strong inclination of what it could be. I reached to the top of my head and removed Gummy, staring at him with apathy as he avoided my eye contact in two separate directions and his teeth fell out of his head.

Sugarcube Corner. Three o'clock. That's where I'll learn the identity of the main Blank. And that'll be one step closer to getting my hammer back.

In another flash of darkness, Mr. Star appeared on the bench right beside me, a flask of water floating beside him. "Sorry, I took so long, Mork," he said. "I saw this funny cloud that was shaped like a big raindrop, and I got caught up inventing a portable version of the water cycle. Then I forgot why I left."

Never mind the breakfast. Where's Sugarcube Corner?

"Wait, I just remembered! Your breakfast!" He vanished again, the flask falling to the ground and dousing me with condensation.

It's official. Either he's not actually reading my mind or I should just consider convincing the Blanks to give villainy a chance. Maybe I should go ask Mr. Rich where the place is. I should probably be able to find him before three without my translator. What time is it, anyway?

The sun looked to be hanging out somewhere near the top of the sky, but it wasn't close to my sun's typical noon perch. I slapped my new reptilian minion back onto my head so I could grab hold of my wrist and check the time. According to my watch...something was very wrong.

My watch is still broken? That's...that's impossible. My watch only stays broken for two scenes at most. I'm already into the next day. Why wouldn't it...No. It's just like the witch's door. I crashed through it once, and it took an entire day for it to fix itself. Now it's happening to me. This world is starting to affect me. No, it's starting to infect me. How long then do I have before I become like...them?

Mr. Star popped in again with a welder's mask on and a pair of antennae on his head. He slapped himself in the forehead and left without a word.

I have to end this today. I can't stay here for one second longer than I have to. I have to find the main Blank, get my hammer back, and take the first glob of 'smooze' back home. I don't have any time to waste. It's time to end this war.

Rainbow and Scootaloo watched Spike as he gorged himself on the small pile of gems that had been left lying out like a dragon's nest. Scootaloo held a strong grip on her scooter, rolling it back and forth as she waited for him to finish. Rainbow was beginning to shake as she watched the sun slowly rise higher in the sky. As Spike finally swallowed the last gemstone in the pile, the owl shook herself from her trance and flapped her wings.

"All right, they're gone," Rainbow said, flying straight up and pointing toward the winding cliff behind them. "Now will you get a move on already? I've seen clouds move faster than this."

"Take it easy, Rainbow," Spike said, getting back on Scootaloo's scooter. "That dumb bird's our only chance of finding this necklace. She's not gonna help us if we scare her."

"Every second we don't find it, that whatever-it-is gets another second to do whatever it wants." She shoved her head against the owl's. "You wanna see a monster run loose in Ponyville?"

A bead of sweat falling down her face, the owl shook its head and took back to the sky, slightly increasing her speed. "That's more like it," Rainbow said, smirking as she raced to catch up to it.

"Too bad that monster isn't here right now," Scootaloo said, pushing forward to get her momentum going. "I wanna see Rainbow Dash run loose all over its face."

"Hey, when that time comes, I'll make sure you get a front row seat, Squirt," Rainbow said, flipping around to fly belly up.

"Oh, give me a break," Spike said. "You couldn't even handle that crybaby with the orange hair. How are you gonna fight a real monster?"

"A real monster's not gonna cry like that," Rainbow said, her gaze focused on the owl. "That means I don't have to hold back."

"Yeah, I'll bet." Spike leaned in and murmured to Scootaloo, "Rarity told me she got knocked right on her face."

The two of them came to a full stop as Rainbow appeared in front of them. "He got in a lucky shot," she said, hovering off the ground. "I'd have made a Mork chop out of him if Fluttershy hadn't got in my way."

Spike leaned in closer to look at Rainbow's face. "You still have a mark on your cheek under all that clown makeup, don't you?"

Rainbow tensed up, covering her cheek with her hoof. "S-so what? It's a battle scar. All awesome ponies have those. And only the most awesome ponies get 'em on the face."

"You're so right, Rainbow Dash," Scootaloo said. "I'm gonna get a battle scar on my face too. That'll make us, like, scar sisters or something."

"Hold that thought," Rainbow said, pushing her nose against Spike's. "And anyway, at least I didn't get flipped around like pizza dough five seconds after meeting the thing."

Spike pulled back. "That's not fair. He played dirty! He used some kind of smokescreen attack on me."

"Sure he did," Rainbow said, turning away.

"Uh, guys," Scootaloo said, looking off to the horizon. "Where'd the owl go?"

Rainbow and Spike looked to the sky in silence, a cloud resembling a smiling pony the only object to be found. Both of them shouted in horror.

"What do we do now?" Spike asked.

Rainbow socked the cloud in the jaw as it floated near her, making it dissipate into nothing. "I'll tell you what," she said, raising her hoof in the air. "We're gonna—" She fell to the ground with a thud as a green blur crashed into her, cutting off her speech before it could be inspiring.

"What the—?" Spike jumped back at the presence of the stranger, pulling Scootaloo and her scooter back with him. They also fell to the ground.

An Earth pony mare stood on Rainbow's wings, pinning them to the gravelly soil. She wore a green ski cap that nearly matched her coat, and she was breathing heavily as she stared furiously down at Rainbow. Rainbow struggled to push her off but couldn't do anything against the three enormous travelling bags the mare was wearing on her back and sides. However, at the drop of a hat, the mare's expression turned neutral and her breathing turned silent. She got off Rainbow's wings and stepped aside. "You're not a clown," she said, looking over the wig that had fallen off Rainbow's head. "You're just wearing a clown costume."

Rainbow stood back up, looking to the others who just shrugged back. "Uh, you got me? Who are you?"

The mare smiled at them, walking toward them as if she had nothing on her back. "My name is New Leaf. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to tackle you like that. I just can't stand clowns. You're not related to any clowns, are you?"

Spike stepped forward to quickly cover Rainbow's mouth. "Nope, no clowns here. My name's Spike, and these are my non-clown friends Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo."

New Leaf narrowed her eyes at him. "Non-clown friends? Does that mean you have other friends who are clowns? Because I can't in good conscience allow that."

"We're just looking for our pet owl," Scootaloo said. "Did you see her by any chance?"

"An owl, huh?" New Leaf reached into one of her bags and pulled out a map to give it a quick look. "Is it like a long, wooden boat? Because I saw one of those when I was walking by this big pool of rushing water."

"No," Scootaloo said, pausing to make sure she heard that right. "It's a bird. A small, white bird that flew by here and likes shiny stuff."

New Leaf smiled again. "Oh, yeah, I've seen plenty of those."

"Uh, what do you mean 'plenty'?" Spike asked.

"Why, there's one right now." New Leaf pointed up to the sky at a bird-shaped cloud floating above them. "If you don't mind me saying, you three have a very pretty pet. What's her name?"

"Alright, pal, what are you trying to pull?" Rainbow asked, hovering above her. "I've already been pranked once today, and frankly I'm not in the best mood. I'm not gonna let you pull this kind of junk on me."

"What if I push the junk on you?" New Leaf asked. "Will that make it better?"

Rainbow and the others just stared at her in silence.

"Actually, I could use your help," New Leaf said, a look of fear washing across her face. "Some silvery, beaked creature just swooshed out of the air and attacked me. It was like a clown that took off its makeup and transformed into something else. It was terrifying. All I could do was run."

"Since when do clowns swoosh?" Spike whispered to Scootaloo.

"Since when do they transform?" Scootaloo asked back. Rainbow put her forelegs around both their mouths.

"We can totally help you with that," she said with a smile. "Why don't you show us where it is?"

"Great. It was over by my campsite." New Leaf reached into one of her side packs and pulled out a compass. "This magic needle points me to my campsite whenever I forget where it is. Let's go!"

"Why would she forget where it is?" Scootaloo asked as New Leaf ran off. "Didn't she just come from there?"

Rainbow reached out and touched her shoulder. "Bear with me, Scoots. This day's gonna be weird." She picked up her wig and put it back on. "Sometimes things just work out better if you accept that."

I'm Never Wrong

Chpt. 19 - I'm Never Wrong

Tuesday, April 1

When he was much younger, Spike had been forced to memorize a checklist of ways to tell if he was in danger. Twilight had said it was paramount, as she had just learned that word a few days earlier and wanted to use it in a sentence, but even at the time Spike thought it was just common sense. Basically, every item on the checklist amounted to something menacing trying to eat, kidnap, harm, or emotionally traumatize him. Seeing as how none of that was the case in his current situation, Spike didn't feel as though he was in danger. Mostly he just felt annoyed.

Whether it was due to genetics or the way she had it tied up, New Leaf's orange, bushy tail resembled that of a lobster's claw, and Spike was quick to learn of her ability to use it like one. Rather than using her mouth or hooves, New Leaf used her tail to grab hold of objects, and right now, the object she held was him. She hid in the thick of a bush at the base of the rocky cliffside with her tail wrapped tightly around him, holding him up to give him a better view.

"Do you see it?" she asked, peeking her head out of the bush as he nodded monotonously. "Yeah, there it is. Just look at it, wriggling around like some kind of slimy, pink thing, looking at stuff with its giant eyes like some kind of nocturnal predator. It disgusts me. The second I get my hooves on it, I'm gonna tie up its wings and teach it how to knit. Then it'll be too busy making scarves to scare me anymore."

"Or you could let me down and I could take care of it," Spike grumbled.

"Not now, Spike," New Leaf said, crouching down and plucking a patch of grass off the ground. "I have to figure out how to knit before it gets away." Spike groaned, annoyed that he had no means to slap himself in the forehead.

A couple yards away from the bush, Rainbow Dash watched the clouds as she calmly lay on her back against the harsh, rocky terrain, her forelegs behind her head. "What's she doing now?" she asked.

Scootaloo glanced toward Spike, then went back to cleaning her scooter. "She's staring at me again. Stuffing some grass in her mouth or something."

"Spike manage to remind her what we're supposed to be doing yet?" Rainbow asked.

Scootaloo glanced again. "Doesn't look like it."

Rainbow shrugged. "Whatever, I guess we'll wait another hour or so for her to remember." She looked over to the bush herself, raising her voice as she said, "I mean, it's not like we're in a hurry or anything!"

"I don't get it," Scootaloo said, spinning her front wheel. "We only lost sight of the owl for a few seconds. I thought that meant her campsite was close by."

"I'm sure it was," Rainbow said, sitting upright. "And we've been wandering around this ridge for so long it probably is again. I guess random ponies that jump out from nowhere and tackle you don't make the most reliable travel guides."

"How is she even still going?" Scootaloo asked. "Didn't you say those bags of hers weighed a ton?"

"A ton and a half easy," Rainbow said. "Per bag."

"She acts like she's not even wearing them. And what's with the ski cap? Isn't it a little hot for that?"

"Forget what I said earlier, Scoots." Rainbow leaned forward, pulling herself onto her hooves. "Nothing good's gonna come from accepting this much weird."

Without a second thought, she marched over to the mare and dragon, Scootaloo following right behind her. "Listen, Leafy," she said, New Leaf dropping the grass in her mouth, "we've been wandering around this place for hours now, and so far you've taken us everywhere except a campsite. Do you even know what a campsite is?"

"Sure I do," New Leaf said. "There's one now." She pointed behind Rainbow toward Scootaloo's scooter.

"No it's not," Rainbow said, not even looking. "Now stop playing around and take us to your stupid campsite already."

New Leaf's eyes narrowed. "Why do you want to go there so badly? Are you planning on performing there, Clowny?" she asked.

Rainbow stepped back. "What?"

"Admit it." New Leaf stepped out of the bush. "There's twenty more of you hiding under that wig, aren't there?"

"Spike, tell her to take us there already," Scootaloo said, looking up at him. "She actually listens to you for some reason."

"What do you mean 'some reason'?" New Leaf asked pulled Spike close to wrap her hooves around his neck. "I wouldn't have married him if I was just going to ignore him."

"Wait, wait?" Spike asked, now sensing danger. "When did that happen? And why am I the last to know?"

"Isn't it romantic?" She grabbed his cheeks in her hooves, staring him in the eye. "The monster that lives on my tushie chose you, and now he won't let you go. And I can see why." Her smile turned fulsome. "You're so...serious."

"Monster?" Scootaloo asked. "You mean your tail?"

"That doesn't make us married!" Spike shouted, attempting to squirm his way out of her grip. "We don't even know each other! All you've done is carry me around for the past hour and ask me to hold your compass." He pulled his arm free and waved it in her face. "And besides"— he blushed as he looked away—"I'm kinda spoken for already. And I don't think—"

As he glanced back to see if he was getting through, all he found was her fervently staring at the compass he was holding. "Are you even listening to me?" he asked.

"Save the sweet talk for later, Hubby," she said. "Let me see my magic needle. I can learn to knit with that."

"Okay, that's it." Rainbow flew up, grabbed the compass from Spike, and chucked it away. "Enough of your stupid jokes," she said, butting her head against New Leaf's. "We've got a serious mission to complete here, and you've just been out here wasting our time."

"You've got a serious mission to complete?" New Leaf said, returning Rainbow's glare. "I've got a serious mission to complete."

"Oh, you do?" Rainbow asked. "And here I thought this was your honeymoon."

Spike glowered at her. "Not helping, Rainbow."

As the two mares and dragon continued to argue, a deep-pitched outcry from above stole Scootaloo's attention. Having desperately pursued the sound for the better half of the previous evening, she recognized it immediately: the sound of an owl's hoot. As she looked up in the direction of the noise, something caught her eye as well as her interest, bringing a smile to her face.

"Hey," she said, grabbing everyone's attention as she pointed up to an alcove on the side of the cliff, "why is there smoke coming out of that cave?" She looked to New Leaf. "Did you set up your camp in there?"

"Yes, but I'm not telling you," New Leaf said, sticking up her nose.

"Nice one, Scoots," Rainbow said, playfully jabbing her across the cheek. "Come on, Spike. Let's go find that owl." She pulled him free and carried him away.

"You mean you could have done that all along?" Spike asked as Rainbow dropped him onto Scootaloo's scooter.

Rainbow just shrugged, turning back toward the bush. "Hey, Leaf, we're gonna swing by your campsite and look for our owl ourselves. Hope that's okay."

"Sure, Rainbow Dash," New Leaf said, her smile coming back. "Have a nice day."

"Uh, right." Rainbow turned around and sped off, the other two following behind. After they'd left New Leaf's earshot, Rainbow looked down to them and asked, "Freakshow?"

"Oh yeah," Spike said as Scootaloo zealously nodded.

The three of them raced around the base of the cliffside until finding the origin of the winding, rocky path that led up to the cave. Guided by the smoke, they sped up the path, hoping that the owl, by some miracle, was still there after all this time. They quickly arrived at the cave's entrance, Rainbow going right inside without even stopping. The other two went in after her.

Aside from the burning fire pit that illuminated the cave, the entire campsite consisted of a small, green tent that looked about ready to topple over. And there, patiently roosting on top of that tent, was a perky, snow-colored owl, its eyes glowing in the dim light of the cave. It flapped its wings in excitement at their arrival, remaining silent as it held its beak open.

At least, that's what Scootaloo saw. To Spike and Rainbow, the sight was much more satisfying.

"My necklace!" Rainbow shouted, darting over to the tent to get a better look. The owl, in turn, flew toward Rainbow to meet her. The two naturally collided, Rainbow's stronger momentum sending them plummeting into the darkness behind the tent.

Spike and Scootaloo waited by the fire for Rainbow to return, listening for some sound to indicate she was okay. It didn't take long for them to hear something, but what they heard wasn't quite what they were expecting. There was a hoot, a crash, and then a shout from Rainbow. Though the series of sounds had them worried, Rainbow soon stepped out of the darkness with the owl on her back and a look of utter annoyance on her face.

"She bit me," Rainbow said, rubbing her ear with one of the large, red shoes on her front legs. "Are we sure this is Fluttershy's owl?"

"It's the only snowy owl I know," Spike said. "And it had to be pretty well-trained if it waited for us all these hours."

"Whatever," Rainbow said, shoving the bird into Spike's arms. "All that matters is I got this baby back." She leaned forward, sticking her chin up to show off her neck.

Though Scootaloo still saw nothing there, it didn't stop her cheers from echoing throughout the cave. "Now we can finally go home," Scootaloo said.

"Why do you think she brought it here in the first place?" Spike asked, pulling his claw away as the owl pecked at it.

"Who cares?" Rainbow asked, doing a quick aerial backflip. "All I know is I'm not letting it out of my sight for the next five days. I'm not even gonna sleep until then. Or nap."

"Should we do something about this fire?" Scootaloo asked, looking it over. "Miss Cheerilee says you're never supposed to leave a fire unsupervised. It could the burn the cave down if we leave it here."

"I'll take care of it." Rainbow picked up the tent and threw it over the fire, smothering the flame and dramatically upping the darkness level. "Now let's get back to Ponyville. There's only a few hours left 'till sunset."

"What happens at sunset?"

The three of them turned toward the entrance of the cave. Standing right outside it was the owner of the campsite, scowling at them with her three gigantic bags still on her back. She slowly walked inside, groaning with every step as she pushed herself forward.

"Uh, nothing." Rainbow said, her eyes adjusting to the light from outside. "It just gets really dark."

New Leaf rolled her eyes and unstrapped her left bag, groaning heavily as she pried it off her side. "Whatever," she said, panting as if she'd run a marathon. "Just leave. I can't stand company."

"Okey-doke," Rainbow said, she and the others cautiously walking around the mare and making their way outside.

"Is this the same mare as before?" Scootaloo asked. "She seems kinda...different."

"I hope not," Spike said. "She was too clingy."

Paying no mind to them, New Leaf flipped open the bag she had dropped as she caught her breath and pulled a bucket out of it. At the sight of her holding the bucket in her tail, Spike started moving a little faster.

New Leaf held the bucket over the extinguished fire pit and turned it upside-down, a green powder falling out that brought the fire back to life, only twice as large and green in color. Scootaloo shouted and leapt back at the sight of it.

"Take it easy, Scootaloo," Rainbow said. "It's just a magic trick. She's probably some kind of performer."

"Is that why she's so weird?" Spike asked.

Scootaloo shook her head. "Not that." She pointed a trembling hoof toward the mare. "H-her flank. It's..."

Rainbow's eyes widened as she saw it too. "Where's your cutie mark?"

"Oh, that?" New Leaf said passionlessly, taking a seat by the fire as she watched the green flame dance in front of her. "I lost it."

"She has not lost it," Silver Spoon said, not even turning her head. "Now leave me alone. I'm trying to think."

Apple Bloom sighed as she continued to drag herself forward alongside Silver Spoon, her final hope of convincing somepony stomped into the dirt. She looked ahead to Applejack and the others, listening in on where their conversation had gone.

"And that's when I realized that he never ate you at all," Sweetie Belle said, repositioning her hat to look up at Applejack. "I mean, why would he eat you when he wouldn't even eat Diamond when she was covered in ice cream? Although, I guess he might have taken a little bite if it was cake."

Applejack whistled in amazement, looking further ahead to the one leading the group. "Sounds like you had a right ugly run-in with Mork yesterday, Diamond Tiara."

Diamond looked back with eyes ready to burst from their sockets and a jagged smile on her face as she spit the lower half of her mane out of her mouth. A single cowlick stuck out of her mane that she made no attempt to smooth over, and her words came out at an unusually high pitch as she said, "Yeah, it was hilarious. Random thought: Let's stick to talking about getting your cutie mark, Sweetie Belle."

"But we've been at this for over four hours," Sweetie said. "What else is there to try?"

"What else?" Diamond stopped, relaxing her face as she closed her eyes and rotated her body to face them. A blissful smile swept across her face and she plainly said, "We haven't tried your actual special talent yet." Her eyes shot open just as widely as before. "Right?"

Sweetie jerked back, Applejack catching her before she fell over. With a compliant smile, Sweetie said, "Right, I forgot about that one."

"And don't worry," Diamond said, stepping up to Sweetie Belle and grabbing hold of her cheeks. "Now that I've seen what isn't your special talent, I know exactly what you and Apple Bloom were destined to do."

"Not ta blow the wind around, but haven't ya said that before?" Applejack asked.

"Six times, actually," Sweetie said through her squished cheeks.

"So it's agreed," Diamond said, giving Sweetie her face back as she twirled around and raised her hoof. "This is the one. Let's go, Crusaders." She marched onward, not even turning back to see if they were following.

"I'll trade in my right hind leg for this ta be 'the one'," Applejack said, taking a seat on the ground and turning to her right. "How you holdin' up, Apple Bloom?"

"I'm okay," Apple Bloom said. "I jumped a little when she said my name, but I kept my hooves on the ground this time. I think I'm actually startin' ta get to the point where I can see myself gettin' over it."

"That's great to hear, sis—I guess. I told ya this was a good idea."

"In fact, I think I'm gonna join in on this next crusade." Apple Bloom looked toward the sky. "Wonder what Diamond's got planned this time."

"Something amazing, I'm sure," Silver Spoon said, dropping off her comment as she walked on by. "Diamond Tiara always comes up with the best ideas."

"Then why haven't any of them worked so far?" Sweetie asked.

Silver stopped to look at her. "She can't get it for you, you know. Why don't you try harder?"

"But Diamond keeps saying all of these are easy," Sweetie said. "Last time, she told me to stand still and do nothing."

"It's not her fault the squirrels ignored you," Silver Spoon said. Getting nothing but blank looks, Silver rolled her eyes and stormed off, pushing back her cape to add some grandeur to her departure.

"You know, maybe I should wait until the crusade after the next crusade," Apple Bloom said, turning around. "Or I could just go home. I'm sure Granny could use a massage right about now."

Apple Bloom ran in place, her sister already standing on her tail to keep her from getting anywhere. As Applejack fashioned together the lecture in her mind, she heard her name called out and looked up to see Twilight and Rarity running toward her.

"There you are," Twilight said, coming to a stop. "Did you just get back from Canterlot?"

"Canterlot?" Applejack said. "I ain't been to Canterlot since"—she glanced at her sister—"a while now."

"That's weird. Rarity told me—" Twilight's eyes drooped as she glanced to her assistant.

Rarity put up an innocent front as her eyes searched for something to latch onto. "Sweetie Belle, is that you under that hat?" she asked, lifting it out of Sweetie's eyes. "You didn't take it off, did you?"

"No, Rarity," Sweetie said submissively, lowering her head.

"That's a good girl," she said, still smiling at Twilight as she leaned forward and whispered, "Has anypony asked where you got it yet?"

As Sweetie blew up at her sister on the grounds of being used as a marketing tool, Twilight simply groaned and turned back to Applejack. "You have to come with us, Applejack. It's an emergency."

"Emergency?" Applejack's eyes flew open. "You mean…" She tapped her neck twice, and Twilight gave a barely visible nod. Applejack cringed as she looked back to her sister, who clearly no longer had a clue what they were discussing.

"Applejack?" Apple Bloom asked.

"Is there a problem?" Twilight asked as Applejack turned away.

"It just had to be today, didn't it?" Applejack said softly yet angrily. "That thing really must be evil."

Rarity and Sweetie had fallen quiet at the rise in tension, and Twilight had joined Apple Bloom in confusion.

"Twilight," Applejack said, "I know what this sounds like, and I ain't tryin' ta make light of the situation, but is there any way this can wait? Like maybe a couple hours?"

"We've already lost a couple hours," Twilight said, glaring at Rarity again. "And we were lucky to have those."

"Right, I figured as much. Still—"

"Applejack?"

Applejack slowly turned her head toward the sound of her sister's voice, tasting the bitter words that she was about to speak as she bit down on her lip and envisioning the look on her sister's face as she said them. However, as she made eye contact, she was surprised to find that Apple Bloom was no longer staring at her in confusion. She was glaring at her with absolute confidence. "What's the matter with you?" Apple Bloom asked.

"Huh?" Applejack said.

"You heard Twilight. This is an emergency. And you're already late."

"But what about—"

"Me? Are you serious? Some six-foot lobster could be usin' town hall as a hacky sack right now, and yer worried about me?" She turned away from her. "I don't need you here babysittin' me. Now just get out of here!"

Applejack took a moment to take in her sister's words. "You sure about that?" she asked.

With a softened expression, Apple Bloom turned back and offered a smile. "I'll be fine, Applejack. Miss Cheerilee said so, right?"

Applejack smiled. "All right, I'll go, but you better have some serious fun after I leave, understand?" She turned to Twilight after Apple Bloom nodded. "So what exactly are we dealin' with here?"

"Let's talk about it elsewhere," Twilight said. "We've still got to find the others."

"Why don't we look for Fluttershy next?" Rarity suggested. "I hear she went to Hoofington to look for her missing owl."

"Just follow me," Twilight said, running off toward the marketplace as the other two followed. Applejack took one last look back as her sister waved good-bye before disappearing around the corner.

"You don't look fine to me," Sweetie said, watching Apple Bloom's right foreleg start to tremble as she waved.

"Let's just get this over with," Apple Bloom said, her entire body sagging once Applejack was out of sight.

"I hear negativity," Diamond said, popping up right in between them. As Apple Bloom fell backward, Diamond pulled her right back up.

"You can't get discouraged now, Apple Bloom." Diamond said, making Apple Bloom gibber intelligibly at her proximity. "Those first seventeen things were all just warm-ups. But I've got a good feeling about this one. This is definitely your special talent. And yours too, Sweetie Belle. Take a look. I just finished setting it up."

She pointed them to a large slingshot made out of a giant rubber band tied between two narrow, fuschia poles, which was positioned right in front of a large, white target that had been recently smeared onto the side of a brick wall. Silver Spoon stood beside it with a paintbrush in her mouth as she wiped the sweat from her forehead.

"Let me guess," Sweetie said, looking up at one of the poles. "Pinkie Pie?"

"She said it was the first incarnation of her party cannon: The party slingshot," Diamond said, wiping a smudge off the left pole. "She decided to upgrade a few years ago."

"Oh! Shucks," Apple Bloom said. "I don't got no experience with a slingshot. Guess I better clear the area before I hurt somepony." Apple Bloom turned around to leave only to walk right into Diamond again.

"Why do you think you don't have your cutie mark yet?" Diamond asked, turning Apple Bloom around and pushing her toward the structure. "Trust me. Take one shot, and you'll see your destiny flash before your eyes."

"What are we supposed to be slingshotting?" Sweetie asked, a hefty wooden crate shoved in front of her as a response.

"I got your ammo right here," Diamond said, pulling open the top of the crate. "At first I was thinking something like cherries or pies or rubber duckies, but then I saw these." She reached inside, straining as she pulled out a fully-grown watermelon. "These are so big you can't possibly miss the target. I call them cutie-mark guaranteers."

"Makes sense to me," Sweetie said, putting her hoof on the watermelon as Diamond rolled it to her. As the more eager of the two, she got the first turn by default. She lifted the watermelon in front of the rubber band, lined up her shot, and pulled back. Then she let it go, missing the wall by about a foot as it soared to the left of it, flying straight into the river behind it.

"Whoops." Sweetie turned back to the crate. "Lemme try that again."

"Step right up, fillies and gentlecolts," Diamond said, confidently standing on the right side of the wall as Sweetie loaded up the next watermelon. "Hit the bullseye and win a cutie mark. No tricks, no gimmicks. It's the genuine article. Three bits per ball. First one's free."

Sweetie fired the next one, which also veered to the left of the wall and splashed right into the river.

"Don't be shy," Diamond said, growing more excited as she leaned against the wall. "Everypony's a winner at Honest Diamond's Slingshot Sideshow."

"Diamond Tiara?" Silver Spoon asked.

Another watermelon flew by the left of the wall. "Don't forget to visit the gift shop. We're selling the home version at 50% off today."

"Diamond Tiara?" she asked louder, tapping Diamond's shoulder. "Can I ask you a question?"

Diamond turned to her. "A question? There's no time for questions, Silver Spoon. You gotta hit the target if you want your cutie mark."

"Diamond, what are you talking about? I already have my cutie mark."

Diamond started blinking again, then rubbed her eyes as she sat down on the grass. "Right, right. That's what I meant." She pulled her hooves away from her eyes. "What's up?"

Silver turned her eyes to the ground. "I just wanted to ask: You don't really think I have no life, do you?"

Diamond shut her left eye as she rubbed her forehead. "Is that what I told you yesterday? I thought I went with the one about your mane. I came up with about three for you."

Silver Spoon paused in confusion as another watermelon flew by. "You mean you were planning on insulting me? That was part of your plan?"

"I just had to be prepared," Diamond said. "Why are you so hung up about it? It was a whole day ago, Silver Spoon. We've got more important things to worry about now."

"You mean like pretending to help these blank flanks get their cutie marks?"

"Who's pretending?" Diamond asked. "They need to get their cutie marks. That's the only way this will work."

"The only way what will work? Is this another plan?"

"Look, all you need to know is—" Diamond's sentence was derailed as a heavy fruit made contact with her face, knocking her flat on her face. Silver gasped, stepping back as Diamond groaned and pulled herself up. Her eyes spinning, Diamond wobbled back onto her hooves as she caught a glimpse of the slingshot and the pale-faced Apple Bloom that was standing behind it.

"I—I didn't mean ta?" Apple Bloom said, snatching Sweetie's hat again as a precaution.

As she regained her balance and eye control, Diamond's jagged, trembling smile made its forceful return. At the sight of it, the other three fillies gasped in unison.

Ignoring the gasp, Diamond said with pure enthusiasm, "That wath a great thot, Apple Bloom. You almotht hit the target." Her enthusiasm vanished as she finished her sentence. She slid her tongue around the front of her mouth, her eyes widening as she caught sight of something lying on the grass in front of her.

Seeing as how the hat she held wasn't made of steel, Apple Bloom gave it back to Sweetie Belle and started digging a hole with her bare hooves while Silver Spoon slowly and carefully backed away further. Not a word was spoken until Sweetie Belle fell onto her back in a fit of laughter.

"I'm sorry," Sweetie said, attempting to get a handle on her laughter. "It's just...you sound just like Twist."

Apple Bloom popped her head out of the hole, violently signalling to Sweetie Belle that she put a lid on it. Silver Spoon gave similar instructions from where she was standing.

Diamond's eyes held still on her dislodged tooth as she reached down to pick it up, her emotions mitigated to the point where it didn't even look like her cheek was bothering her anymore. She looked at the tooth resting on her hoof, frowned, flipped her hoof upside-down, and planted it into the dirt.

"Take that back," she mumbled, her hoof quaking as she pushed it into the dirt.

Sweetie Belle's laughter faded. "W-what?"

"I thaid…" Diamond bit down on her tongue, her entire body now trembling. She jerked her head up, her smile reforming like the final stage of a magic trick, missing tooth and all. "You're right. I—I do thound kind of like Twitht."

"You—you do?" Apple Bloom asked.

"Of courth," Diamond said. "Thith ith how Twitht sayth her 'eth' sounds, right? You hear it, don't you, Thilver Thpoon?"

Silver pulled her cape away from her eyes. "Oh...totally," she said, putting up a smile, "I was just about to say that."

"Yeah," Apple Bloom said with a laugh, grabbing the opportunity like it was a stray ice cube in the desert. "You could be her twin sister."

"Let'th not get carried away," Diamond said, her eyes slightly squinching.

"Yes, ma'am," Apple Bloom said, lowering into her hole again.

"Hey, Diamond," Sweetie said, looking up at the local clock tower. "What time did you say that banquet with your dad was?"

"It'th at three," Diamond said. "Why?"

"I think you might want to get going, then. It'll be three in three minutes."

"Already?" Diamond looked up at the clock. "I'll thee you girls later. Don't get your cutie markth until I get back." She ran her tongue through her mouth one more time and raced off toward the river.

The second Diamond disappeared from sight, Apple Bloom leapt out of her hole. "Well, I think Applejack would say I had enough fun for today. I'm gonna go ask Zecora if she's got anything to fix total insanity." Apple Bloom ran off in the other direction, not once looking back.

Sweetie looked over to the only pony left. Silver looked back, having the same ambivalent look of speechlessness on her face. Sweetie coughed as she tried to prevent the silence from getting too awkward. Having no better ideas, she asked, "You wanna go see my sister's new designs?"

Silver raised an eyebrow, moaning in uncertainty as she looked up at the clock tower herself. Then she looked back to Sweetie and asked, "Can I try them on?"

She couldn't let him know. She couldn't let him know anything was wrong. If he saw her missing tooth, he'd cancel the banquet, take her to the dentist, and that would be the end of her crusading pursuits. She was too close to victory for all her effort to go to waste now. She just couldn't let him know.

Her thoughts racing as fast as her legs, Diamond bolted across town, evading dozens of ponies pointlessly meandering about the town and gossiping about meaningless things. Didn't they have more important things to do? And if they didn't, couldn't they at least clear the way for somepony who did?

She reached Sugar Cube Corner with a minute to spare, taking that minute to collect herself. Though she couldn't afford to be late, she also couldn't afford for her dad to know she had run there. Both scenarios would have him asking questions that she would be loathe to answer given her current situation. She caught her reflection in the store's front window, noticing a single hair sticking straight up on top of her head.

She licked her hoof and smoothed it over, moving closer to inspect the rest of her appearance since the curtains were shut. She started by checking her teeth. The gap was even more noticeable than she thought. Just one toothy grin would give it away. Fortunately, the watermelon hadn't left any marks on her face, and keeping her teeth concealed wasn't exactly brain surgery. She just wished that was her only problem.

Her gaze still fixated on the window, Diamond reluctantly turned to head inside. As she brought her backside in parallel with her front, the sight of her cutie mark stole her attention away, and a deep-rooted feeling of longing overtook her. Everything about it looked exactly the same. It was still the same beautiful, perfect symbol of her excellence. It still captured everything there was about her special talent, her ability to do everything better than everyone else. It was a mark that perfectly defined her. For all intents and purposes, that mark was her.

So what was she worried about? 'S' was a pretty stupid letter anyway. There wasn't a single one in her entire name. What use did she have for it? She was a pony, not a snake. Besides, it would only be for a few minutes, thirty tops. She could do it for twice that. This wouldn't even be a challenge. Not for her, anyway.

Taking a deep breath, Diamond shut her eyes, put up her best lippy smile and pushed open the front door, calling for her dad as she came inside. Though she heard him greet her back, she didn't see him as she opened her eyes. She also opened her eyes much wider than she originally planned.

Diamond had to consciously keep her mouth closed as she caught sight of the bowl of ice cream her dad had ordered for them. Scoops piled on top of scoops almost up to the ceiling, and each one was a different flavor. The scoops themselves looked like they were each about the size of her head. Her dad peeked his head out from behind it with a smile and said, "Now is this a banquet or do I need a refund?"

Diamond could have smiled. She could laughed at his joke and walked up to join him at the circular table in the center of the room. However, she did none of those things, because the ice cream mountain wasn't what made her eyes widen. It was the messy-haired creature in the blue outfit at her dad's side that was carving a hole into it, stuffing its craw with the stuff faster than it was blinking.

Fear, anger, and confusion shot across her face one by one, each one skillfully pulled off without opening her mouth. Then, her eyes leveled and she flatly said, "Dad, did you have to wear that dorky hat? You look like you belong at that table."

Her dad chuckled as he took off his green baseball cap. "Just thought I'd show a little holiday spirit. Why don't you sit down? Your dorky dad wants to talk with you."

Diamond's posture sagged as she walked up to the table and took her seat, choosing the one furthest from the creature that she could still use to hide behind the ice cream from her dad's line of sight. Not once did she stop glaring at the creature, but it was too preoccupied with food to even notice her arrival.

"So what do you think of my surprise?" her dad asked, slapping the glutton on the back. "Got anything special to say about it?"

Diamond turned her eyes toward the wall, not wanting to say anything more than she needed to say. Then she saw Mr. Cake walk past and found something she needed to say. "Waiter," she said, raising her hoof to signal his attention. "I found a bug at our table. Could you...remove it?"

Mr. Cake looked to where she was pointing and snickered to himself. "Sure thing, miss. I'll go get the Mork spray." He walked off into the kitchen with another chuckle.

"Mork spray, huh? That could make for a fun five-minute exercise." Diamond turned to her left to find an unbelievably shaggy, decrepit pony that she had completely overlooked sitting beside her. His horn glowed black as a pen and notepad appeared, and he scribbled something down. She moved one seat away from him, scanning the rest of the table to make sure there wasn't anyone else.

It was at this time that the orange-haired monster put down its spoon and looked straight at her. And her dad didn't even flinch.

"You should have seen how hungry he was," her dad said, rubbing the top of the beast's head. "You'd think no one gave him breakfast this morning." The old guy dipped his black wizard hat over his eyes.

Diamond wasn't sure how much holiday spirit her dad was showing, but she needed an antidote for it and fast. As she tried to think of her next clever comment, the wizard spoke up. "Now, Filthy," he said, leaning on the table, "let me just clarify. You're telling me I can eat all this ice cream without filling out one request form?"

Her dad looked at the stallion's bowl and smiled at him. "Shooting Star, you sir, can have as much ice cream as you can eat."

Shooting Star's smile creepily appeared from behind his beard, and a spoon manifested in front of him. "Mr. Rich, you just earned yourself a spot on a very exclusive list of mine." He took his spoon and began digging away at his single scoop of vanilla, sending much of it flying away from his face.

Diamond recoiled and sent her eyes straight to the floor, the only thing she could stand to look at. She thought her nauseous reaction to ice cream would have passed by now, but seeing the reason she first developed it alongside some slobbish wooly mammoth with no table manners brought it all back in full swing.

"Aren't you gonna have some?" her dad asked, peeking around the stack of ice cream again, his question forcing her head off the table. She nodded innocently without a hint of disgust on her face.

"Good, I was afraid you might have lost your appetite." He patted the monster on the back again. "Mork here told me you ended up covered in ice cream again yesterday."

"Looks like he was right," he said, noticing her surprised reaction.

Diamond's expression hardened. "What do you mean it 'told' you? That hairy lump of dirt can't talk," she said, making sure her bitterness came across loud and clear.

Shooting pulled the bowl away from his lips and wiped the hair around his mouth clean with the tip of his freakishly long beard. "Oh, he can talk all right. Ask him anything."

"No," Diamond said, turning away from the table. "Not until I hear everything it told you."

"Everything?" Her dad hesitated for a moment. "Let's see. He told me about his family, his awful roommate, his dreams of adventure…"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Diamond said, waving her hoof. "What did it tell you about me?"

"Well, first he told me about all the times you two ran in to each other yesterday. He said you were the first and only friend he made here and that you were one of the smartest, most amazing ponies he'd ever met."

Diamond rolled her eyes. "One of? Come on, Dad, if you're going lie to try to get me to like that thing, at least go all the way."

"Then he told me how you said you wanted to be his big sister."

Diamond's cowlick sprung back up. She turned her head halfway toward the table as if she were fighting against some current that pushed her away. "I didn't mean all the way."

Her dad smiled. "I'm sorry. I know you're embarrassed about it. Mork told me how you made him swear not to tell anyone. He wouldn't even tell me until I promised to keep it a secret."

"Embarra—? Fine!" Diamond faced the table again and sized up the behemoth. It looked just as brainless as it always did, staring back at her with that stupid grin on its face as it rested its fat head on its left claw. She pointed at it accusingly and said, "If you can really talk, then tell me what I have to do to get rid of you!"

The creature played with its spoon as it took in her question, turning to Shooting and saying its ridiculous name once. Diamond looked to the hairy elder in confusion as he pulled his spoon out of his mouth. "He says if you tell the truth, he'll leave right now."

Her dad laughed. "He's got you there, pumpkin. Looks like your brother's already taking after you."

Diamond slammed her hooves on the table. "Don't call it that! It'll never leave! Anyway, that thing wouldn't even make a good pet. Why would I want it to be my brother?"

"From what I hear, he's Ponyville's newest celebrity. Doesn't surprise me you'd want to be able to brag about being related to someone like that."

Diamond calmed herself and pulled back. "I thought I didn't want anypony to know about it."

"Since when has that stopped you from going after bragging rights?" her dad asked. "Anyway, if you'd rather not talk about it, let's just change the subject. Why don't you tell me about your day?"

The creature snapped its fingers and reached behind its back, pulling out a small, green alligator. Extending its arm out like a rubber hose, it reached over and dropped the alligator right on Diamond's head.

"Ah, that's right," her dad said. "I forgot that Pinkie let you look after Gummy. We should get him some lunch." He looked around for Mr. Cake. "How about you, Mork? You need anything? Water, maybe?"

"Why, is the ice cream spicy?" Shooting asked after the creature's reply.

"Dad, that thing dropped an alligator on my head!" Diamond shouted, ripping Gummy out of her hair and tossing him into her bowl. "Don't offer it a reward!"

"That reminds me," her dad said, reaching into his bowl. "I've got a present for you." He pulled out a small necklace and slid it across the table. It was composed mostly of a shiny, golden frame, and at the forefront was the tiny shard of a pink diamond.

"You made it into a necklace for me?" Diamond asked, picking it up. "No fair! I'm trying to be mad!"

"I know you won't admit it," he said. "But I just wanted you to know how proud I am of you for being such a good friend to Mork. In fact..."

"Mork," he said, turning to it. "I don't know if my daughter's told you this yet, but she's being punished right now."

Diamond's eyes shot toward her father.

"I had to take something from her until she showed that she was mature enough to deserve it. What do you think? Does she deserve it?"

Diamond's glowed in shock as they shifted over to the monster, feeling something jump in her stomach as she stared at it, something other than nausea. The entire crux of her punishment had just been placed on the shoulders of some simple-minded creature. Something that probably couldn't even think was being asked to decide everything. It could nod its head by accident, and her dad would probably run off to tell Miss Cheerilee the good news. It was unbelievable. It was unfathomable. It was...unacceptable.

"No!" Diamond shouted. "No, no, no! I'm not having that."

Her dad looked at her in confusion. "Not having what?"

"That!" Diamond said, pointing right at the beast. "I don't want that ending it. I won't let that thing pity me! I won't!"

"Excuse me," Mr. Cake said, meekly interjecting as he approached the table with his twins on his back. "Pumpkin and Pound Cake just woke up from their nap. Would you all mind if they met...the Mork of the hour."

Diamond sat back down in her chair, the wind taken out of her sails. "If you don't care, why would we?" she asked, grabbing her necklace and putting it on.

Taking her words as a sign of acceptance, Mr. Cake put his twins on the table. They looked up at Mork, first in confusion, then in recognition. Upon making the connection, they simultaneously burst into tears.

"Do you need more proof than that, Dad?" Diamond shouted over their wailing.

"What?" her dad asked, his ears against his head.

"I thaid…" Diamond stopped, putting hooves over her mouth and keeping silent as the crying continued.

She turned her eyes away from her dad, and ended up looking at Shooting Star, who was busy scribbling on his notepad that "Mork's presence causes displeasure in infants." She didn't directly count it as an insult against her, but she did officially decide that she didn't like him.

"I'm so sorry about that, Mork," Mr. Cake said, picking his sobbing twins off the table. "They're probably just hungry. They usually are after a nap."

"I know the feeling," her dad said. "Diamond was the same way. I could never feed her enough."

"Dad!" Diamond shouted. "Not in front of the mutant!"

"Why don't I come help you feed them?" her dad offered. "Shooting Star, you come too."

Shooting looked up from his notes. "Me? But I'm no good with kids. Why do I have to go?"

Her dad looked at her. "I just figured Diamond could use some time to work things out with her brother." He got up from the table. "You understand, right?"

"No," Shooting said, "but come to think of it, I do have this new baby formula I've been meaning to test—I mean, donate to a loving family." His horn lit up as he summoned a glowing, golden liquid, its shine stopping the crying and putting the twins in a trance-like state.

"But Dad," Diamond said, as her dad and Shooting left the table, "you can't leave me alone with...that!"

Her dad glanced back. "Why not?"

Diamond struggled to come up with the right words to say, but even just the word 'because' involved that letter. Her mind coming up blank, she looked down in defeat and said, "Never mind."

Shooting grabbed his notepad, and he and her dad disappeared into the kitchen with Mr. Cake, leaving her once again alone in a room with nothing but a monster and a bunch of ice cream.

She refused to make eye contact with it simply because she couldn't stand looking at it, but she made sure to glance over every few seconds in case it decided to reach over and dunk her into the mountain of ice cream as tradition dictated.

After some time had passed, it pulled out a piece of paper from behind its back. The paper was blank on both sides, so she assumed it was just going to eat it or something. Instead, though, it grabbed the pen Shooting Star had left behind. Then it maneuvered the pen around on the paper and tore part of it off, sliding the torn paper across the table toward her.

Though she picked it up to blow her nose into it, she stopped as she realized that legible words were written on it.

Do you hate me?

"I hate boiled cabbage," Diamond said, pointing to the bowl in the center of the table. "But I'd eat this much of it if it meant never having to thee you again."

At first, she was confused as to why her comment made the creature smile, but her confusion cleared up when she realized what she had let slip by. "Thyut up," she said, putting her hooves over her mouth. "You're the latht one I need laughing at me right now."

The creature looked down and wrote another note, tearing another section off and sliding it toward her. She looked at the creature suspiciously as she picked it up to read it.

Are you having issues as queen of the Blanks?

Diamond put the paper down, taking a closer look at the creature who wrote it. She noticed it had some kind of smugness about it, like it was watching a seal do tricks for him. "Have you been thpying on me?" she asked. "Are you trying to win an award for being the biggest freakazoid I've ever met? Because you won that a long time ago."

The creature quickly wrote something else, tore it off, and passed it over. She moved one seat closer and snatched it up, voraciously scanning it.

I take it that's a yes?

Diamond sighed, deciding she'd rather take the chance to vent. "You have no idea." She moved another seat closer. "Thothe blank flankth can't even do the simpletht of tathkth. Just look what they did to my teeth." She flashed it a quick smile. "It'th like somepony turned their brains off, not that they'd notithe."

The creature already had the next note written before she finished.

What about your parents? They're pretty smart, aren't they?

Diamond moved another seat closer. "Of courthe they are. They raised me. Thouldn't that be obviouth?" She picked up the next note.

Are you saying you're smarter than they are?

"No, because I know you'll blab it to them and get me in trouble for it, you thupid thack of week-old pudding." As she grabbed the next note, she saw that the the sack of pudding had a white cat sleeping in its lap, having no clue how that thing could possibly be so tranquil.

How smart would you say you are compared to Twilight?

"What, you mean Twilight Sparkle? How should I know? I don't even know her that well. I can't even remember the last time I said something to her. How many of these are you going to ask me, anyway?"

It held up one finger and scribbled something on the last remaining piece of the page.

Tell me what you think about Diamond Tiara.

Diamond looked at the page in confusion, then at the creature the same way. "Diamond Tiara ith the motht amathing and thmartest pony you will ever meet. And don't you ever forget that."

She smiled confidently as her last statement actually knocked the smirk off the creature's face, just as the kitchen door opened again.

As her dad reentered, the creature scooped up all the paper it had written on and horked it down, leaving nothing but the ice cream and the bowls on the table.

"So how did things go?" her dad asked. "Did you work everything out?"

"Mork," Mork said, looking right to Shooting Star.

Shooting looked up from his notepad and nonchalantly said, "Blankie lost a tooth."

"What did you call me?" Diamond asked, standing up on the table.

The creature shrugged as it took the cat off its lap and stood up, saying its name a second time as he pointed toward the bowl in the center.

"Ask her what's in the bowl," Shooting said.

"The bowl?" her dad asked, looking to Diamond. "Isn't that obvious?"

Diamond kept glaring at the monster. "You little..."

"I can give you a hint if you don't know," Shooting said after Mork said its name a third time. Her dad looked at her expectantly, his eyes telling her to answer the question.

"Ithe cream! It's ithe cream, you big, gross moronthter!" Diamond shouted, gritting her teeth together for all to see.

"What in the name of..." Her dad stared at her in disbelief. "What happened to your tooth?"

"I—I can eckthplain," she said, jumping off the table.

"Mork," the snitch said once again, picking Gummy up out of her bowl.

"You mean it?" Shooting asked, taking a step toward it. "You know?" The thing nodded.

Shooting lit up his horn. "All right. I'll go get them. You wait here." With a flash of black light, Shooting Star disappeared, reappearing a few seconds later on the other side of the table. "No, wait, we need to discuss it in private. Thanks for the ice cream, Filthy." Shooting disappeared again, this time taking the creature along with him.

"Finally," Diamond said, suddenly finding herself moving forward.

"Come on," her dad said, shoving her toward the front door with his head. "We're getting that tooth taken care of."

"What, you mean you're taking me to the the dentitht?" Diamond said, holding onto the door frame. "Now?"

"Dentists clean teeth. They don't replace them. Now let's go. I know who we have to go see." With one more shove, he pushed his daughter out the front door, wincing for a moment before he closed it behind him.

Emptiness. Nothingness. A vacant space without any meaning. Scootaloo couldn't get her mind off it, even fifteen minutes after leaving the cave. A single question was echoing through her mind as she and the others made their way around the edge of the Everfree on their way back to Ponyville, and not even the owl on her head could distract her from it. At the rate it was consuming her, she and Spike would end up veering into the forest if she didn't get it out of her system. She had to know the truth. She had to know the face behind the mask of horrors, no matter how grotesque it was.

"That can't really happen, right?" Scootaloo looked up to Rainbow Dash, who was flying next to her in an elated state of accomplishment.

Rainbow returned the glance, not hearing her correctly at first. As her brain caught up with her ears, a wolfish smile spread across her face.

"What, you mean losing your cutie mark?" Rainbow looked back at her own flank with a look of recollected anguish. "Yeah, it's a shame when that happens. I used to have an even more awesome one. Had two lightning bolts and a flaming skull. Had to settle for this one after the incident."

"W-what incident?" Scootaloo asked. "What happened?"

Rainbow's expression was that of the most serious flying clown Scootaloo had ever seen. "I ate a bug on a dare," she said. "The bugs didn't like that. A couple days later they found me, swarmed me, and took it right off my flank."

"Watch out!" Spike shouted, leaning them to the left right before they slammed into a fallen log. Scootaloo hardly paid it mind.

"That was the last time I ever saw it," Rainbow said. "Took me six months before a found a new one. But I got off easy. That's nothing compared to what they did to Kite Flier. Poor guy."

"Who's K-Kite Flier?" Scootaloo asked.

"He was the one who dared me," Rainbow said, choking up.

Scootaloo pulled to a stop, sending Spike flying into a tree and the owl into Spike. She herself toppled into the dirt as a result of the sudden deceleration. As she recovered from her fall, her eyes adjusted to behold a trail of ants marching in a line right in front of her nose.

She reflexively balled herself up as she placed her hooves over her eyes. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean anything by it! I've always liked bugs! I've never eaten one in my whole life!" She took a peek to see if they were listening. "You don't want me anyway. I don't even have my cutie mark. Just take Diamond Tiara's and leave the rest of us alone!"

As she heard the laughter begin, Scootaloo took her hooves off her eyes and looked over to see Spike and Rainbow cracking up, Rainbow herself rolling around in the grass.

"Seriously?" Rainbow asked, wiping away a tear. "Come on, Scoots. What kind of dorky name is Kite Flier?"

"You mean none of that was true?" Scootaloo asked as the owl perched on her head again, looking just as amused as the others. "Then how did New Leaf—?"

"Hello?" Rainbow knocked on Scootaloo's head with her floppy shoes. "Did you forget what day it is already?"

Scootaloo looked back unconvinced. Rainbow groaned before elaborating. "She was messing with us. She probably just covered it up with paint or something."

"Paint? Nonsense. Not nearly toxic enough. I'd use poisonous venom."

"Yeah, you see?" Rainbow said. "New Leaf just—woah!" She flinched at the realization of the ski-capped mare standing right next to her. "Where the heck did you come from?"

"I was just taking one of my usual rigorous, ten-mile hikes, and then I saw you lot," she said, her legs quivering underneath the weight of her three colossal bags. "Figured I'd show some adventurer's hospitality and see what excitement be over here."

"I thought you wanted to be alone," Spike said, taking three large steps away from her. "Isn't that why you told us to leave?"

"Alone?" New Leaf laughed boisterously. She pulled her tail up to her mouth and bit down on it, speaking with it in her mouth like it was a toothpick. "A real adventurer travels with a crew."

"Where's your cutie mark?" Scootaloo shouted as she pointed to the bags that covered New Leaf's flanks. "And no jokes. I wanna know the truth. Did you really lose it?"

"Lose it?" New Leaf asked, loudly laughing again as her tail fell from her mouth. "I guess you could say that." She slid off one of her bags to show them her bare flank.

"Wow, it even looks blank in the daylight," Rainbow said. "That's some quality work for a prank. You use some kind of magic spell?"

"Nope, a tornado," New Leaf said.

"Whoa, hardcore," Rainbow said.

"I got caught in a tropical storm while I was braving the murky depths of the Hayseed Swamps. I fought that wind with every drop of my great adventuring spirit, but I guess the wind had a stronger one. I couldn't give it more than a black eye before it swept me away. When I woke up in Baltimare, my cutie mark was gone."

"So you decided to go camping?" Spike asked.

New Leaf laughed deeply once again. "Oh, I'm not camping. I'm on a mission." She narrowed her eyes. "A very important mission."

"To find your cutie mark?" Scootaloo asked, looking at her own flank. "I'm with ya there, sister."

"It's a top secret mission. I can't tell you what it is."

"She probably forgot what it was," Spike whispered to Rainbow, who cracked a smile.

New Leaf took off her other two backpacks, opening one with her tail and pulling some firewood out of it. "I'm being rude. Allow me to make you all some expedition soup as a sign of my adventurer's hospitality." She dropped the firewood and turned toward the forest. "I'll go get some bowls."

"Don't you have some in your bags?" Scootaloo asked, walking up to them.

"What? You mean these?" New Leaf opened the largest one, letting the bowling balls inside it fall out, nearly toppling over Scootaloo. "These are part of my training regiment. A real adventurer lives off the land. Now wait here. I'm gonna go tie some dirt together with worms." She headed off into the thick of the forest, disappearing into the darkness of the trees.

"You think we should have stopped her?" Scootaloo asked after New Leaf had left.

"Why would we do that?" Spike asked. "Then she'd still be here with us."

"She'll be fine," Rainbow said. "Her adventuring spirit will protect her. Now let's get back to Ponyville before Twilight decides to have a surprise inspection."

"Good idea," Spike said, picking up Scootaloo's fallen scooter. "Come on, Scootaloo. Let's get going."

"Hang on, you guys," Scootaloo said, digging into the pile of bowling balls as the owl excitedly flew overhead. "Check this out." With a single, forceful tug, Scootaloo yanked something large and shiny out. She flew backwards with it, somersaulting over to Rainbow and Spike and landing in front of them. In her hooves, she clutched a small, wooden chest, which she held up after reorienting herself. "I guess she is a real adventurer."

"Better put it back," Spike said, pushing the chest away. "New Leaf might get mad if we go snooping through her stuff."

Scootaloo looked to Rainbow and offered her the chest. "What do you think's inside?"

Rainbow grabbed the chest and inspected it. The outside was painted as green as New Leaf's coat, and it was adorned with several different types of gemstones on its front and sides, giving it the appearance of a treasure chest. However, despite its lavish design, there wasn't any keyhole or latch on it, which meant she could probably open it with a simple flip of her hoof.

"Eh, I don't care," Rainbow said, dropping the chest and turning around to walk away.

Spike picked it up before Scootaloo could snatch it up, holding her at arm's length as she tried to take it back.

"Come on, I just wanna take a peek," Scootaloo said.

"No way. Who do you think's gonna be paying for it if you break it?" Spike said.

"I'm not gonna touch it. I just wanna see what's inside."

"Nice try. I use that one on Twilight all the time."

"Does it work?"

"Nah, but I usually just wait until she goes to sleep and—"

Spike was knocked to the ground as Rainbow Dash soared by him, swiping the chest out of his grasp. "You guys are taking too long," she said, placing her hoof on the top of the chest. "Let's just open the thing and be done with it."

Rainbow pushed back on the top of the chest, finding it heavier than it looked. She pushed harder, using both of her forelegs in an attempt to pry the chest open. As the hinges finally started to turn to create a small opening, a bright light shined out from it, forcing Rainbow to cover eyes and making her relatively defenseless as a green blur pounced on her, knocking her to the ground and sending the chest flying through the air.

Rainbow blinked as she recovered from the flash of light, pinned down by her wings again. Spike caught the chest before it hit the ground.

"What are you doing near this forest, clown?" New Leaf asked, glaring down at Rainbow. "Trying to find a chimera to ride your unicycle? You make me sick."

"Would you get off me?" Rainbow asked, easily pushing the mare off without her bags to weigh her down. She removed her wig. "I told you: I'm not a clown. I just gotta wear this costume until the end of the day."

"Don't tell me who isn't a clown," New Leaf said, standing back up. "I can sense clowns from miles away. I can feel about three of them in the next town over."

"Uh, New Leaf?" Spike said, holding up the chest. "What's this?"

New Leaf's anger transformed into overjoyed excitement. "Hubby!" she shouted, diving straight for him and landing face-first in the dirt as he backed away. As if unaffected by her fall, her tail twitched and wrapped around Spike's body again. She pulled her face out of the dirt and wrapped her hooves around him. "I knew you'd come back to me." She froze as she noticed the object in Spike's grasp.

"Oh, you better let me hold onto that." She dropped Spike, holding onto the chest and taking it over to her open bag.

"Why, what's inside it?" Scootaloo asked, all too eager to know.

New Leaf scratched her chin with her tail. "Let's just say if you open it, the world will end."

"The world will end?" Spike asked, not sure whether to laugh or run. "The real one or your own little one?"

"Uh, New Leaf," Rainbow said uncomfortably, "why are you carrying around a chest that can end the world?"

"Aren't we all?" New Leaf asked. "Anyway, you guys hungry? I can make you some soup." She opened her other bag, the dozens of bowls inside it spilling out. "All we need are some spoons. Oh! I think I have some in my hat."

New Leaf took off her ski cap and reached inside it, her mane falling down over her eyes. She shook it away, reverting it back to its natural shape. At the top, her hair looked uncombed and spiky, but it descended into curls as it neared the bottom. It was an unusual style, but something else about her head drew more attention. Though the entire rest of her coat was green, the top half of her left ear was a strikingly bright shade of red.

"Whoa," Rainbow said, staring right at it. "That's some pretty nasty sunburn you got there. How'd you get it on just your ear?"

"Sunburn?" New Leaf asked, pulling out three spoons from her hat.

"Let me guess," Spike said. "The tornado did that to you too?"

"What tornado, honey?"

"The one that took your cutie mark," Scootaloo said.

"Is that what happened to it? I've been wondering about that since I left Baltimare." She set two of the spoons down and walked up to the firewood with the third in her tail.

"Hey, Rainbow," Scootaloo whispered. "You think this pony might be off her rocker?"

"What was your first clue?" Rainbow asked, watching New Leaf stir the air over the unlit firewood with her spoon. "Just follow my lead."

"Oh my gosh!" Rainbow shouted, pointing up into the sky. "A swarm of swooping, bug-eyed clown zombies!"

As New Leaf looked up, Rainbow snatched up the owl and told Spike and Scootaloo to run as loudly as she could whisper. As they turned to leave, they heard a scream.

"You're right!" New Leaf shouted. "They're everywhere!" She turned back to them. "Clown! Creepy Thing! You two take my husband and get out of here! I'll hold them off for as long as I can!"

"Uh, will do," Rainbow said, hesitating for a moment before continuing her escape, the others chasing after her. As they left, they continued to hear New Leaf's voice shouting at the clown zombies that Rainbow had seen, telling them their white fluffiness didn't intimidate her and insulting how little they actually looked like clown zombies.

After her voice finally faded out, Rainbow turned them and asked, "Freakshow?"

"Oh yeah," Spike said as Scootaloo nodded. The owl threw in a hoot for good measure.

Applejack scratched her head as she leaned against the wall next to Rarity. "So how do we know Shootin' Star heard him right?"

Twilight's horn shined as she faced the other way. "We don't."

"And how do we know Mork can actually see them Blank critters?"

"We don't."

"Then how do we know they're even real?"

"We don't."

"Okay." Applejack pulled away from the wall. "So then what part of this seemed like a good idea?"

"Oh, you don't have to tell me how sketchy it sounds," Twilight said, putting up the sixteenth and final forcefield around the alleyway. "But we can't just ignore him. If he's right, this could be our chance to finally learn the truth about that letter."

"A chance? Are ya serious?" Applejack asked. "Yesterday Mork had as much ta do with that letter as Winona. Now he's sayin' he knows more about it than the princess. Speakin' a her, what did she have to say about it?"

"She's still convinced that Mork's on our side," Twilight said. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I want to believe that too. It's just…"

"It ain't easy to trust somethin' that walks on four legs one minute and two legs the next?"

Twilight nodded.

"Now, Applejack," Rarity said, moving away from the alley's lone garbage can as she searched for a reasonably hygienic spot to stand, "there's no need to be so distrusting. I let Mork stay in my home for an entire night, and he didn't make nearly as big of a mess as I thought he would."

"Whether we trust him or not, we should at least be ready with the Elements of Harmony," Twilight said, laying out a map of Ponyville. "Now let's get to work on finding the others. If we split up, we'll be able to make up the time we lost."

"It was a simple mistake," Rarity said, joining them around the map. "Must we continue to dwell on it?"

Twilight ignored her, placing her hoof on one of the three red x's she had drawn on the map. "Rarity, you said that Rainbow was sleeping at her house, right? Why don't we go wake her up first? It'll be better if we look in even pairs."

"No, out of the question!" Rarity shouted, leaping onto the map. As the others looked at her, she put up a smile, stepped back, and sat down. "You see—you have no idea how tired Rainbow was yesterday." She toyed with her mane as she looked away. "We should let her sleep for as long as possible. It just wouldn't do for her to be too tired to use her Element."

Twilight continued to stare at her for another few seconds. "If you say so." She turned back to the map. "That leaves Pinkie and Fluttershy left to find. Huh, déja vu."

"Hey, girls," a fatigued voice called out from the alley's south entrance. "What's up?"

The three of them turned toward it to find a lethargic, greenish Pinkie Pie lying on her stomach and smiling at them weakly. She inched herself toward them like a slug, passing through each of Twilight's forecefields one by one, her curly, pink mane dragging along the ground. She came to a stop on top of Twilight's map, sprawling out her legs.

"Pinkie Pie?" Twilight asked, stepping over to her face. "What happened? And how did you know where we were?"

"Cupcakes," Pinkie said, rolling onto her back, her necklace flopping around on her neck. "So many cupcakes. Filthy wouldn't stop making them. And I couldn't stop eating them." She put her hooves over her distended belly. "I think I ate too much."

The three of them gasped in unison, and Applejack wasted no time in lifting Pinkie onto her back. "Stay with me, Pinkie," she said. "Just take deep breaths."

"It'll be okay," Twilight said, wrapping the map around her like a blanket. "We'll get you to the doctor before you can say—"

"April Foals!" Pinkie Pie shouted, popping out of the nearby trash can dressed as a mime, the garbage inside flying out like confetti. Rarity squealed like a muted rubber duck as some of it landed in her mane.

"You guys totally fell for it," Pinkie said, walking up to a confused Applejack and snatching her necklace off the more distressed Pinkie. She reached into its mouth and pulled out a tape recorder. "Cute dummy, huh?"

"Pinkie, what's wrong with you?" Twilight asked as Applejack bucked the doll off her back. "You put one of the Elements of Harmony on a doll just to prank us? What if one of the Blanks took it while you weren't looking?"

Pinkie cocked her head. "The who?"

"I agree with Twilight," Rarity said, pulling a half-eaten pretzel out of her mane. "This joke was in poor taste."

"I'm sorry," Pinkie said, her smile dimming as she grabbed the pretzel from her. "You want me to try again?"

Twilight moaned as she tapped her forehead a few times. "Just make sure you keep your necklace on your neck, Pinkie. Okay?"

Pinkie scarfed down the pretzel and saluted. "Yes, sir. Won't take my eyes off it again, sir."

"I certainly hope not," Twilight said, "because we may need to use it today."

Pinkie dropped her salute in confusion. "On what, sir?"

"From the sound of it, Mork," Applejack said.

Pinkie gasped, stopping mid-gasp to matter-of-factly ask, "Why? Did Mork do something bad?"

"Not yet," Twilight said. "At least not that we know."

"I still think you're both being much too hard on him," Rarity said, pulling a lollipop out of her mane and holding it up. "How can you say such things about a creature who can't even tell the difference between us and this piece of candy?"

"He can't?" Pinkie snatched it with her tongue like a frog, then giggled. "That is so like Mork. Thinking we're a bunch of suckers."

Twilight attentively jerked her head toward her. "Wait, what did you just say, Pinkie?"

Pinkie swallowed the lollipop, stick and all. "I said it was so like Mork to think that we're lollipops. You know, since he likes candy so much."

"No," Twilight said, pushing her nose against Pinkie's. "You called us suckers, as in ponies that are easily fooled. What if that's what Mork really meant when he said that?"

"I'd buy it," Applejack said, "but are ya sure that ain't just a coincidence?"

"Actually, no," Twilight said. "Think about it. The only reason it made sense before was that we thought Mork was either a crazy animal or a little kid. If everything he says actually has logic behind it, that's the only way it could make sense."

"Twilight, darling, you can't possibly think that's true, can you?" Rarity asked, continuing to pick herself clean. "If Mork was indeed trying to deceive us and truly thought we were 'suckers', as you so eloquently put it, why would he vocalize such thoughts? Surely you don't think he would be that foolish?"

"What if he wasn't asking us?" Applejack suggested. "What if he was asking himself, like when it starts rainin' on yer picnic and you ask if somepony's kiddin' ya. I don't think he was suspectin' Shootin' Star ta translate it anyhow. I know I wasn't."

"You're accusing him of sarcasm?" Rarity put her hoof to her forehead. "The nerve of him. Such depravity." She put her hoof down. "Oops, it seems I'm guilty as well."

"The critter nearly ran off with my hat before I had time to learn its name. That sound innocent to you?"

"Believe me, Applejack, I'm quite aware of Mork's fondness for hats. I even had a nightmare last night about—"

"Mork wasn't interested in your hats." Twilight said, staring at the ground as a thought bubbled up in her mind. "While you were getting his cereal, I brought him inside the library, and he saw your hats." She looked up at her friends. "He glanced at them for less than a second. He didn't even try to touch them."

Rarity lowered her head.. "Funny, I'm not sure whether to feel relieved or insulted."

"I'd go with the first one," Pinkie said, yanking a wet sock off Rarity's back. "Insults are pretty sticky. I think you're already sticky enough."

"Rarity, you said he couldn't see Fluttershy's necklace, right?" Twilight asked. Rarity nodded. "What if he took your hats because he thought they could be your—"

Twilight stopped, her thought derailed by the sound of a rhythmic, hollow, tapping noise. She turned back to find a brown, formally-dressed stallion knocking on the outermost forcefield she had set up, a pink filly standing next to him with the look of wanting to be anywhere else on her face.

Twilight lowered the barrier he was knocking on, and took a step toward him. "Can I help you?" she asked.

"That depends," he said. "Are you Ms. Sparkle? The town librarian and Princess Celestia's student?"

"Yes, that's me. How did you know I was here?"

The stallion looked up. "It wasn't too hard. I asked around. Everypony said to try the giant, purple dome wrapped around more domes over this one random alleyway."

Twilight looked up herself and groaned in frustration. "I forgot to make them invisible." She dropped the rest of her forcefields and walked up to him. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Please tell me Apple Bloom's not involved," Applejack said, looking to the filly at his side, whose eyes grew wide and serious at her statement.

"I don't know who's to blame." The stallion raised his left leg over the filly's head. "All I know is Diamond lost a tooth while she was out playing. Apparently some of her new friends are more rowdy than others. You wouldn't mind replacing it, would you?"

"Lost a tooth?" Applejack said, nudging Twilight aside to see for herself. "Please don't tell me. Did Apple Bloom—"

"No!" Diamond shouted, stepping forward. "It wathn't any of their faulth. It was gravity'th...and the watermelon farmer'th."

"Excuse me," Rarity said, having finally cleaned out her mane. "Aren't you the one who fed Mork that mushroom yesterday?"

A stray hair shot up out of Diamond's mane. "Maybe," she said, smoothing it over again.

Twilight took a closer look at Diamond's face. "That's right. I knew I'd seen you somewhere before. You were a lot wetter yesterday."

"Thankth," Diamond said. She opened her mouth and pointed inside. "Can you fikth my tooth now?"

"Of course. It'll just take a second." Twilight lit up her horn and instructed Diamond to hold still, warning her of the possibility of tickling. The inside of Diamond's mouth glowed purple, and Diamond tried not to laugh as small, white replacement tooth pushed its way out from her gums, coming down to fill in the gap. Diamond licked her front teeth and made a snake-like hissing noise, sighing in relief as she turned away.

"What do you say?" The stallion asked in a sing-song manner.

"Thank you," Diamond said to the dirt.

"Don't mention it," Twilight said. "It was no trouble at—"

"Is it okay if I go now?" Diamond asked, looking up at the stallion again. "My friends are waiting on me."

"All right," he said, the filly turning to leave at his word. "Tell your brother I'm sorry our banquet got cut short."

Diamond stumbled over her hooves, tumbling to the ground and rising back up before anypony could laugh. "Would you please not!" she shouted, her temperament bordering on furious.

"Y'all never told me ya had a son, Filthy," Applejack said.

"Don't look at me." He gestured to his daughter. "It was Diamond's idea. I knew she'd want a little brother one of these days. I just figured it'd be another pony."

"I'm telling you, Dad. I never said that. I'd jump in a bear's mouth before I agreed to be that thing's sister."

"What's she talking about?" Twilight asked.

Filthy shook his head. "She's just having trouble being honest about her new friend, Mork."

"Not friend," Diamond said. "Parasite."

"That's not what your necklace says," Filthy said. "Should I give it back?" Diamond sorely looked away, covering her neck with her hoof.

"Is that true?" Twilight asked, turning to Diamond. "You're friends with Mork?"

"What is this, Opposite Day?" Diamond asked, glaring at her. "Why won't anypony listen to me? That thing is evil! You understand? E-V-I-L, evil!"

"Does that stand for 'eats very interesting lunches'?" Pinkie asked. "Because I'm totally evil."

"What would make you think it's evil, dearie?" Rarity asked, looking at Diamond as she would a lost kitten dressed in plaid.

"What else am I supposed to call it? It's been hounding me wherever I go, pulling my hair, tasting my face, smiling at me like some kind of bloodsucking leech. And now today I found out that it's been spying on me." She angrily glanced over to a flower shop with orange petunias on display in the front windowsill. "It's probably watching me right now."

"Mr. Rich, has your daughter been getting enough sleep?" Twilight whispered. "She seems a bit on-edge."

Diamond leapt forward. "Don't whisper about me right in front of me! I know it's been spying on me. It told me so. It wrote it down and showed it to me...with a nasty smirk on its face...and a cat in its lap. All it was missing was some glowing red eyes and a few bolts of lightning."

"Wait, Mork wrote?" Twilight asked, bitterness spreading across her face as she looked away. "He told me he couldn't."

"You don't happen to have any of the paper he wrote on, do ya?" Applejack asked. "It'd be a mighty big help to us."

"No, the thing ate it all when Dad came back," Diamond said, looking up at him. "Like the slob it is." Her dad just sighed.

"He must have been really hungry," Pinkie said. "Then again he didn't have any snacks in his head this morning, so that makes sense."

"You met up with him too?" Applejack asked. "He say anything important?"

"I don't know. Most of it was just silly Mork stuff. Something about scratching his vocabulary, something about horns being smart, and something about looking less suspicious and infiltrating Twilight's main circle. You know, silly stuff like that."

"He said what?" Twilight asked.

"Ha!" Diamond said, assertively pointing up at her dad.

"And Shooting Star said nothing about it?" Rarity asked.

"Shooty wasn't there," Pinkie said. "It was just Mork."

"So...you heard him talk?" Twilight asked. "Like with real words?"

"Of course not, silly," Pinkie said. "Mork can't talk."

The five of them stared at Pinkie in silence, some in confusion, some in annoyance.

"So ya heard him talk, but he didn't actually talk." Applejack said. "What, did ya read his mind or somethin'?"

Pinkie's smile collapsed as her eyes darted uneasily and she started sweating. "No...of course not," she said, trying to laugh. She fell to the ground at Applejack's hooves. "Please don't turn me in. I didn't know it was a crime. I thought it was just bad sportsmanship during twenty-questions."

Applejack took a step back. "I was kiddin'."

"Why didn't you tell us that earlier, Pinkie?" Twilight asked. "Didn't you think it might be important?"

"Twilight, I don't know if anypony ever told you this." Pinkie stood back up and whispered into her ear. "Mimes aren't supposed to talk."

Twilight shook Pinkie's comment away and started pacing around them in a circle. "Okay, let's assume for now that Pinkie Pie read Mork's mind and heard what she said she did. If he said he was trying to "infiltrate our main circle", that completely contradicts what he thought during the town meeting this morning. Are you sure you heard him say that, Pinkie?"

"Yep," Pinkie said. "He probably wants to play some ring around the rosie."

"What are ya thinkin', Twilight?" Applejack asked.

"I'm thinking I might know why Mork's Dream Puff was so weird this morning. What if his talents with magic were even stronger than we thought? What if he cast his own spell on mine to hide his real thoughts from us?"

"Twilight, you sound as if you're grasping at straws," Rarity said. "Are your forgetting the Test of Harmony spell? I suppose Mork faked his way through that as well?"

"What if he did?" Twilight asked. "When he was describing the Blanks to us, he said they were immune to it. What if he came up with that because he's somehow immune to it? He could pretend to be a harmless, good-natured creature and we'd have to believe him because our own spell proves his innocence. It's almost brilliant."

"If I could interject," Filthy said. "Are you saying that Mork is some kind of professional con artist?"

"No, Filthy," Pinkie said. "She's saying he's a diabolical mastermind that's come to rid the world of everything we hold dear. Keep up!"

"That is enough, all of you!" Rarity shouted, pushing herself into the center. "All this talk of Mork being evil and Mork being deceitful when he may very well be out risking his life for our sake as we speak. Now while it's true that Mork isn't the most upstanding creature I've ever met, he's certainly got more character than the monster you're trying to paint him to be."

A scream startled Rarity off her soapbox as two fillies in red capes ran by, each of them wearing a peculiar-looking hat.

"Get it off!" the gray one as she passed the group. "Get it off me!"

"I'm trying!" Sweetie Belle said as she chased after her. "Stop running away from me!"

The fillies stopped running as Applejack plucked the large spider off the gray one's face. The filly fell to the ground beside Diamond, straightening her glasses as she tried to catch her breath.

"Sweetie Belle, what madness have you gotten into now?" Rarity asked.

"I was just showing Silver Spoon some of your designs," Sweetie said, catching her breath as well. "And that big spider came down and started crawling all over my hat."

"Yeah, and then you freaked out and threw it on my face," Silver said, glaring at her.

"And you were so calm about it," Sweetie said, returning the glare.

"I thought I hogtied you up good yesterday," Applejack said, staring at the spider. "How'd you end up in Rarity's house?"

"Mork," Rarity said, growling the name like a lioness on the prowl. "He left my front door open this morning so his little spider minion could attack my poor, defenseless sister." She hugged Sweetie Belle tightly. "That fiend won't get away with this."

"Spike, take a letter," Twilight said, turning to her back to find no one there. "I mean, Rarity, take a letter. We have to tell the princess before it's too late."

"Are you gonna have it thrown in the dungeon?" Diamond asked, gaining a look of excitement about her. "Or a bottomless pit?"

"That's up the princess," Twilight said, giving Rarity a quill.

"Can't you just squish it?" Silver Spoon asked.

"No, darling," Rarity said. "We're not talking about the—"

"Great idea, Silver Spoon," Diamond said, much to Silver's delight. "Let's go with that."

Before a counterargument could be made, the alleyway darkened in color for an instant, and Shooting Star appeared out of the blackness.

"Snarkle, there you are," he said. "I've got great news."

"How did you find us?" Twilight asked.

Shooting pulled out a vial of purple liquid with pink chunks floating inside. "Just had a swig of Twilight Sparkle's location. Tastes a little spicy. Is something wrong?"

"I'll say there is!" Rarity shouted. "Mork—" Twilight stopped her with a hoof over her mouth.

"What did you want to tell us?" Twilight asked with a straight-face.

Shooting smiled and clapped his front hooves together. "Great news. Mork's done it. He found the main Blank."

"Oh, he has, has he?" Applejack said, her eyes as piercing as her sarcasm.

"I took him over to the schoolhouse so we could talk in private," Shooting said, ignoring Applejack's temperament as she tossed the spider aside.

"Private, huh?" Pinkie said, joining in on the skepticism. "Why am I not surprised?"

"I don't know," Shooting said. "Did you gather all the Elements yet?"

"Actually, that won't be necessary anymore, Headmaster," Twilight said. "He's by the schoolhouse, you said?"

"Yes, he—"

"Let's go, girls," Twilight said. "It's time we put an end to this."

"An end to what now?" Filthy asked, receiving no reply as Twilight, Applejack, Rarity, and Pinkie took off for the school.

"Oh, this I've gotta see," Diamond said, a smirk appearing on her face as she ran after them.

"Wait up, Diamond," Silver Spoon said, following after her. "How did you get your tooth fixed so fast?"

"You guys, what about the spider?" Sweetie Belle asked, watching it crawl off into the alley before chasing after them as well.

Shooting looked at Filthy after they all had left, who was left speechless and confused. "Thanks again for the ice cream," Shooting said. "I better go get the princess." With a tip of his hat, his horn glowed back and he disappeared.

"What am I doing?" Filthy said, springing forward to follow them only for a nostalgic rush of feeling in his spine to remind him why he never became a gymnast. He fell to the ground as he helplessly watched his daughter and the others disappear around a corner. He lowered his eyes as he waited for the pain in his back to subside. "What's going on?"

After all this time, my hands still shimmered as if they were possessed by a fluorescent piece of construction paper, and the rest of my body followed its example. The entire world around me bathed itself in this lethargic glow, a constant reminder of the wretched toxins that infested every molecule I was breathing. As if this world's substandard amount of supernatural activity was too small of an insult, it also decided to place a time limit on my ability to think rationally, and the clock continued to tick.

However, I had no time to dwell on misery. Rather, I had no time to dwell on my misery, because I'd been tasked with serving a fresh plate of misery to the good-natured locals that wanted freedom from this magic-corrupted society. Justified though they were, they wouldn't steer me from my important mission. This was a natural world, and a natural world had laws that could not be ignored.

Suppose an old lady were to walk down the street without a sinister figure in a black mask springing from a nearby alley and stealing her purse. How then would a passing, young boxer with self-esteem issues realize he had the fighting spirit in him all along? Suppose a lightning bolt were to strike an ancient grave and not awaken the soul of a bitter, long-forgotten pirate king. I guess that determined historian was better off never learning the secrets of the ancient treasure and saving his mother's orphanage anyway. Suppose you walked into an ice cream parlor and didn't find a strange creature from another world attempting to adopt itself into your family. Good luck finding another driving force to stop your entire family's disinterest in you.

It was the most sacred of all antagonistic principles: Something had to drop the hammer. If the hammer never fell, nothing would change, no one would care, and no audience would gather to side against the hammer dropper. The world would come to an end in a matter of hours. That was the power of the hammer.

I myself wasn't quite ready to drop the hammer, however, because I dropped my hammer, and the Horns couldn't seem to understand the meaning of "giving it back". There I sat, waiting for Mr. Star's return at the doorstep of the local schoolhouse while my two minions played king-of-the-hill with the top of my head. There I sat, prepared to uphold my end of the bargain, yet not one of Celestia's guards she had sent hours prior had so much as a ball peen hammer to offer me.

One would guess they wanted to keep it hostage so that I'd have a reason to keep working with them, but I happened to know that one wasn't the best guesser.

I knew the real reason they wouldn't give me my hammer back. They wanted to make sure they could deal with the main Blank themselves. That was part of nature too. A wolf had no right to a lion's dinner, even if the wolf did all the hunting while the lions lazed around talking about magic. If that was what they wanted, fine. I'd take the needling from Devil Me later. I just wanted them to bring me my hammer so I could tell them it was Pinkie Pie and leave.

And that's exactly what I was prepared to do before Diamond Tiara ruined everything.

Clearly, I never gave that swirly-haired, broom-swinging, magic-spewing clothing addict the proper respect she deserved. I spent three hours interrogating Mr. Rich about the main Blank, and every time I tried to ask about one of his two Blank daughters, he kept finding some way to bring it back to the Horn. What kind of parent uses his own daughter's name as an expletive and then spends hours gushing about her? He was so single-minded about it, I was surprised he didn't think I was talking about her.

Pinkie Pie seemed like such a perfect fit. She had an aggressive and sometimes catty personality that she held back around her sisters, a stalwart protectiveness of her dad despite his apathy toward her, and an unbelievable tendency to keep popping up no matter how unlikely. Plus, she hated me and thought I was evil, which would make her a great reference for a job interview. Too bad Diamond Tiara had to stick her twitchy, wartless nose into such a perfect setup.

It was all going so well. Pinkie Pie basically came outright and admitted she was the main Blank. Then she had to go and shill Diamond Tiara like an advertisement during the climax of a movie. If she were the kind of protagonist with zero self-esteem, I would have thought nothing of it, but Pinkie was dripping with the stuff. I'd heard enough of Rook's monologues to recognize it: She wasn't the type to direct attention away from herself for a second. For her to give such an unhesitant compliment to someone else would have to mean...Diamond Tiara was the main Blank.

At first, the idea made no sense. Diamond wasn't even a Blank. She was a witch, one of the highest ranking magical authorities in the hierarchy, and her magic was clearly real. Then I realized the stupidly obvious: Who said she had to be a Blank to be working for the Blanks? According to Pinkie Pie, many of the Blanks were just as stupid as the Horns. If Diamond Tiara, the sole Horn in a family of Blanks, chose to side with her family over her birthright, becoming the sole Horn to infiltrate the Horns, I could think of no better choice for a main character. And to be bitterly honest, I could see why her family thought she was so amazing.

Lifting Opal off my head, I held her in my hands and said, "She's your former master. What do you think? Will they believe me if I tell them Diamond Tiara is the main Blank?"

Opal stared back as if she were watching me perform a mildly entertaining puppet show, nothing about her body language giving me the answer I was looking for. Then her body started to glow a light shade of blue, and the tickle in my hair told me Gummy was glowing just the same. As the peaceful BGM of a sunny day gained some seriously fierce percussion, the two of them were pried away from me and dragged over to the picnic-throwing everything-ruiner herself, who stood alongside her friends several yards in front of the school.

Diamond Tiara took her cat for herself and tossed Gummy over to Pinkie's mom. "Thank you for taking care of Opal for me," Diamond said, leering at me with more disgust than ever before. "And that is the final word of gratitude that you will ever hear from me, you beast!"

Twolight, Applejack, and Diamond Tiara all had the same look that most people would give Rook after knowing him for five minutes. Twilight stood beside them with a careless demeanor as she welcomed the return of her daughter's pet. Meanwhile, her two youngest daughters and a third, vaguely familiar filly watched from the safety of a nearby bush, Pinkie Pie smiling with vindictive glee.

I figured I'd get a rise out of her after pointing out her missing tooth. I didn't see it going this far, though.

Twolight massaged her head before stepped forward to elaborate on their anger. "It's over, Mork, if that is your real name. You're done playing with us."

You can't use that line on me. You all named me.

"Mork?" I asked, my smile coming back as I waited for Mr. Star to appear and translate it for me. Surprisingly, he remained absent.

"Can it with the barnyard talk," Applejack said, stepping up beside Twolight. "Y'all can talk normal-like, can't ya?"

"Mork?" I said again, pretending to laugh.

What gave me away? I was so careful, sort of.

"You can read our language," Twolight said, slowly stepping toward me. "You can write our language. You can even think in our language. You're not a child, Mork. You can't deny it anymore. You can speak our language."

Are they seriously getting mad at me over this? Or did the Blanks decide to make their move?

"You were trying to get close to us, weren't you?" Twolight asked, stopping as she got within a few inches of me. "You didn't know where the Elements of Harmony were, so you pretended to be a dim-witted animal so you could squirm into our group and find out. Then after we saw through your ruse, you used that to your advantage and kept the lie going. You've been manipulating us since the beginning, haven't you?"

I think I heard insults, but I'll take the compliment.

"Well?" Twolight said, her horn glowing purple. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

I slowly raised my hand and pointed her to Gummy, who had clamped onto her tail without her noticing. She looked back at him for a moment, then frustratedly turned back to me.

"Don't change the subject!" she said, cringing as she raised her hoof to her forehead again. "Now admit it. You wrote that letter, and you came here to steal the Elements of Harmony."

I shook my head. It felt like the natural thing to do.

She nodded with a sense of assurance about herself. "I figured you'd say that. I guess you leave me no choice then." A sparkling stream of magic flowed out from her horn and straight into my forehead, giving me an instant case of eye floaters.

What happened next was strange, even by the standards of magic. A cloud unconsciously formed over my head, as if my voice were humming a song without me actually humming it. The image that appeared on the cloud was mine alone, and the other me simply shook his head and eloquently summed up exactly what I was thinking before the cloud appeared.

"You know, maybe if you weren't so dependent on your magic, you wouldn't be deceived so easily."

"Aha!" Twolight shouted with a manic grin on her face, startling my thought bubble out of existence. "So you can talk. That proves everything. Try to mork your way out of that one, buddy."

The only thing that proves is that you're just as gullible as I thought. Can't you even try to see that you're being manipulated? No, of course you can't. You can't even see the Blanks. There's no way you'd believe Diamond Tiara was your enemy. Guess that means it's time for plan B. I'll have to say it's...

"What's wrong, Mork?" she asked as my eyes carelessly widened in realization. "Feeling a little nervous now that your plan's been exposed?"

Why didn't I realize this sooner? It doesn't matter who I try to claim as the main Blank. The Horns see Blanks as fellow Horns. If I pointed at one of them, they'd think I was accusing one of their own whether it had a horn or not. No wonder Twilight was never worried around me. The Blanks had this game won from the start. They were practically cheating. What do I do now? I'm actually in trouble here. Don't tell me I'm going to have to talk my way out of this!

"Hey," Applejack called out. Twolight and I turned to her, expecting her to be looking our way. However, she was looking to her right, where Pinkie and the others were watching from behind the bush. "What are y'all doin'? This ain't no place for fillies. Now why don't ya run off and go play?"

"But I want to see that thing get smacked into another dimension," Pinkie said. "I deserve at least that much."

"Is Mork gonna die?" Sweetie asked. The gray one next to her remained silent, looking at me uneasily.

"So much for keeping this a secret," Twilight grumbled to herself. Softening her voice, she said, "Applejack, make sure they don't get too close. This should be over in a few minutes."

Applejack sighed and looked back to the fillies. "Fine, but at least come out of them bushes. I can't keep an eye on ya when yer hidin' like that."

"Okay," Pinkie said, reluctantly coming out of the bushes after the other two, "but it better not cry on me again."

Think, Mork, think. It's the only advantage you have over them. If the Horns are this wrapped up in their delusion, it's going to take a serious dosage of reality to snap them out of it. I need a link, some common ground that both of us see as exactly the same.

"Now where were we?" Twilight said, turning back to me as Gummy crawled up her back. "That's right. You were about to tell us why you did all this. What were you hoping to achieve?"

The letter. They used it to test if I could read, and I passed. If there's a shred of logic left in this world, it had to have read the same to both of us. If I could just remember what it said...

"Do I need to make another Dream Puff to get you to talk to us?" Twilight asked, clearly frustrated with my silence.

Don't freeze up now. Think. The princess got insulted...some criminal escaped from jail...more insults...and something about a price. A price of popularity. I could use that. Maybe. But not with them at my throat like this. I have to do something to make them step back. Something to force them to hear me out.

"All right, you asked for it." As Twilight prepared to zap me again, a die rolled in my favor, and Gummy latched onto her mane, derailing her focus. She looked up at him angrily, a bit too angrily given how little he had drooled on her. Looking at him more closely, I saw that he wasn't actually chomping on her hair. He was chomping on the air right above it, and some of his drool was floating in midair.

Game on.

With a quick swipe of my left arm, its speed amplified by a yearning to swing something, I snagged Gummy by the tail and tore him away from Twilight's head. I held my hand underneath his mouth, and he released his jaw, something falling right into my hand. Something that I couldn't see.

An inarguably devilish smile spread across my face as the trinket fell between my fingers, and no sooner did I have it in my grasp than Twolight had me in hers. She gripped the object in my hand with her magic and violently pulled it toward her, nearly jerking my entire hand off with it.

"Stay back!" Twolight shouted, stopping her friends before they could rush over to intervene. "His knowledge of spells makes him incredibly unpredictable." She kept her eyes focused on me with a glare that only Pinkie could rival. "I'll handle this."

Twolight had nearly all the symptoms of rage on her face: furrowed eyebrows, flared nostrils, a quaking grimace, all that was missing was the sharp teeth and flaming eyeballs. Looking to her friends that had shown up with her, the expressions ranged from equally angry to less angry to shocked to just plain confused. It was as that moment that I knew what it felt like to be the intentional toothbrush dropper.

"Give me my crown back," Twolight said at a much lower volume, a distant emptiness in her voice.

I knew it. This has to be one of the Elements of Harmony. That's why Celestia pointed to Twolight's head when she first brought them up. Never realized they took the form of crowns. How conceitedly fitting.

"What's going on?" Pinkie asked, looking up toward Diamond Tiara. "Did she just say something about a crown?

"Never you mind," Applejack said. "But you might be gettin' what you came here for."

"Okay, Mork, you can stop the joke now," Twilight shouted over to us, once again disrespecting mime code. "I don't think Twilight thinks it's funny anymore."

"That's a shame. And here I thought Mork had a becoming sense of humor."

Not one pair of eyes could resist turning toward her as her unmistakable voice rang out from beside the school. Of all the times she could have showed up, Diamond Tiara's tutor in ruining sure picked a good one.

"Princess Celestia?" Pinkie and the gray one said in unison, each looking as surprised as the other.

"Princess!" Twolight said, not even pretending to loose her grip on my hand. "Mork's the one who wrote the letter! He's trying to steal my crown!"

Stepping out from behind the princess, Mr. Star burst into laughter, stomping the ground as he attempted to calm himself. "Come on, Uptight. That's the best joke I've heard all day. How do you not find that funny?"

"Mork, what is the meaning of this?" the princess asked, looking at me with uncertainty. "Why are you holding Twilight's crown?"

If the princess joins in on the delusion, I'll never snap them out of it. If I'm going to do something, it's got to be now. Twolight said I was good with magic? Then I guess it's about time I proved her right for once.

Before Celestia could ask a second time, I threw Gummy straight at Twilight's head. Instinctively, the reptile clamped onto her nose, momentarily freeing my hand from her magical grip. I quickly brought the crown behind my back and dropped it right into my hammerspace.

Having recovered from my minion's distraction, Twilight grabbed hold of my hand again only to realize it was now empty. "What did you do with it?" she shouted, her eyes growing wider. Her magic consumed my entire body, and she flipped me upside-down to practice her salt shaking.

As I said before, the tingle of magic was comparable that of a tickle caused by stroking your own wrist with your finger while your ears were waterlogged. It wasn't painful. It was just...weird. And to have that feeling occur across my entire body simultaneously, affecting everything from my pimple to my shoelaces, it made me more nauseous than the shaking. If there was ever a reason to make the sacrifice, this was it.

"Stop," I said, my single word putting a stop to the shaking and earning me a number of gasps. "I'll give it back." She dropped me on my head.

"You will?" she asked, looking down at me with a raised eyebrow.

Leaning up off my back, I smiled and said, "Play a game with me." I looked over to the princess, then to the others. "All of you."

Twilight gasped in excitement, her curly mane bouncing up as she alone showed some enthusiasm. The others just mostly just looked at each other, though Pinkie was the first one to raise her voice. "Like we'd really do that. What game could you possibly know? Torture the innocent?"

Close.

"You know of it." I stood up on my feet and reached into my hammerspace, pulling out my wallet. Reaching inside, I pulled out a golden, unblemished strip of paper, about the length of my arm. I gave it a kiss and handed it to Twolight.

She held it in her magic, and read the first line aloud: "Saying It Simply: A Children's Guide to Simon Says."

Whatever You Say

Chpt. 20 - Whatever You Say

Tuesday, April 1

What had led me to believe this world was similar to my own? Was it that the sky and the grass were the colors I knew them to be? Was it that the BGM played at the same tempo during the quiet moments of the day? Was it that the majority of the population was always wandering around with nothing to say? Whatever the reason, it wasn't true. This world was nothing like my own, and its attempt to make me think as such was only one of the disgusting lies it had tried to spoonfeed me.

This entire world was basically one big lie. Its supernatural credentials, its peaceful atmosphere, its allegedly protective anti-magical gloss, none of it was real. Deception reigned supreme in this den of magic and misfortune, so much so that its owners were deceiving themselves just as much as their enemies. The nine ponies standing by the wall of the schoolhouse in front of me were hands-down the best example of that deception. They all looked so colorful and innocent, wearing their costumes like hired actors on a stage.

We certainly had a diverse cast. There was the genius dressed as a mime, the scientist dressed as a wizard, the mole dressed as an apple lover, the peacock dressed as a princess, the glasses-wearer dressed as a superhero, the squeaky voice dressed as a superhero who gardens, and the librarian dressed as an angry pony with a lizard on her head. Also, Pinkie Pie had a necklace on.

Then we had the only one of the group who wore no attire despite her heavy interest in it. However, it wasn't difficult for me to say she probably had the most elaborate costume of them all, and I'd been tasked with the job of removing it.

I couldn't begin to imagine what her family life was like, because I'd already mapped it all out. After successfully joining Celestia's elite ranks, she was forced to cut ties with her family and move to a different house in order to convince the Horns she was on their side. Already getting the short end of the stick from her parents, losing her older sister at such a young age devastated little Pinkie Pie, who quickly developed a lasting contempt for all things magic. Sweetie Belle, the one member of the family who managed to remain neutral in the conflict, tried to mend her damaged family whenever she could, but until the war ended, she'd never truly succeed. And so the three of them continued to wait, wait for the day that the reign of magic would end and they could all be one happy family again.

Such a touching story. One might even say it was beautiful. Too bad I couldn't afford to care. It wasn't my job to solve any family problems. My job was to defeat the main Blank, and in order to achieve that goal and get my hammer back, I knew what I had to do: I had to tear their family apart like a letter from the Board.

"This is ridiculous," Twolight said, looking as entertained as a pile of leaves as she continued reading over my golden list of rules. She glanced at me. "I wouldn't be smiling if I were you. You've got to be standing on the thinnest ice I've ever seen."

I hadn't stopped smiling since the princess had agreed to my terms, and unlike everything else about this world, nothing about it was phony this time. At Celestia's request, we had come behind the school to give our game more privacy. I knew she was trying to prevent any Blanks from watching us. If only I could tell her how blind she was.

Mr. Star took his mouth off the crazy straw that was sticking out of his hat. "You know, Uptight," he said, "if you look for the worst in somepony, you're probably going to find it." He slurped on his straw and turned to me, swallowing before asking, "Besides, aren't you even a little curious? I mean, Simon Says?"

"I was curious when I asked him," Twolight said, checking the other side of the list. "Now I'm just frustrated. Why don't you try asking him?" She slid the paper over her face. "Maybe he'll answer you."

Mr. Star scratched the area where his chin was probably hiding. "Eh, let him have his secrets. I'd rather figure it out myself anyhow." He took another large slurp from his straw.

Twolight took a second look at him. "Wait a second. Isn't your hat full of—"

Mr. Star smacked his lips in contentment. "You know, smooze really helps settle the stomach after a grueling dairy binge. You want any?"

"No!" she said, pulling away as he tilted his hat toward her. "Just leave me alone. I have to finish looking over these rules."

Twolight had been looking over that list for well over five minutes. If I knew she was going to struggle this much with them, I would have offered to read them to her myself. Then again, I knew how embarrassing that would be for her.

"Gosh, Twilight," Twilight said after downing a mouthful of smooze. "Don't you know how to play Simon Says?"

"Of course I know how to play. I'm just making sure there's nothing fishy about these rules." Twolight flinched as Gummy transitioned from her mane to her ear. "If he had these prepared, he must have been planning this from the start."

Wow, Gummy, you must be siphoning some seriously profound thoughts from that head, huh?

My impatience kept growing as Twolight continued to read, and I wasn't alone in that neck of the woods. The bespectacled one I had dubbed Silver Bullet since 'gray' didn't fit in a superhero name, looked like she was about ready to melt from boredom. Applejack was mindlessly pushing a tetherball around a pole, and Sweetie Belle was half asleep. Diamond and Pinkie were still a bit too upset for the boredom to overtake them just yet and had finally found something they could do together: glare at me. However, their looks were nothing compared to the princess's.

It wasn't that the princess looked angry. Actually, I couldn't tell what she looked like. All I knew is that ever since she agreed to my demands, she'd been staring at me with enough force to reduce the BGM to nothing but a drum beat. I wasn't quite sure what she was looking for, but it didn't seem like there was anything I or anyone else on that playground could do to keep her from getting it. Perhaps it was her position or her size, but something about her stare was unnerving. I was starting to think she had left a stand-in in her place until something tugged at her mane and finally pulled her attention away from me.

"P-Princess Celestia," Silver said, looking over to the swingset. "Are we really going to play a game with that...thing?" She glanced at me for as briefly as possible before turning her eyes to the school.

"That's right," Celestia said, kneeling down beside her, surprising her enough to force eye contact. "I know how confusing this must be, and I'm truly sorry for the trouble this is causing you and your friends, but I want you to know how grateful I am that you are all being so cooperative."

The filly blushed, consumed by the prestige of the royal thanking as she scratched the back of her neck. "Of course, Princess. Don't mention it. It's, like, totally our honor." Her eyes grew wide as she turned around to see the cape on her back, quickly tearing it off, rolling it into a ball, and chucking it away. She put up a smile as if to convince the princess the cape never existed.

"Princess?" Pinkie said, tidying up her voice to speak to the crown as she stepped up beside her nervous companion. "Would it be okay if instead of playing Simon Says with it, we locked it in a dungeon for a few centuries?" She resumed her glare. "Or maybe a volcano?"

Celestia laughed softly as she ran her hoof through the filly's mane, smoothing over the antennae that had been sticking out of it for the past few minutes.

"Actually, could we call a vote on that?" Diamond Tiara asked, catching Opal in her magic as the cat tried sneaking toward me again. "Because that's not a bad idea."

"Huh?" Sweetie said, pushing her hat out of her eyes as she woke up. "We're voting? I vote we lock up the hat thief."

"I'd like to hear one reason we shouldn't," Applejack said, her hoof pressing down on her own hat.

"Well, Mork?" Celestia asked, turning back to me with a smile. "They have a point. What reason do we have to trust you?"

There's a question for the history books. How do a bunch of liars trust someone who's telling the truth? And how does the truth teller establish trust when the liars see his truth as lies? This would be so much easier if they'd just let me use my natural language. Guess I better say something, though.

"None whatsoever," I said with a chuckle. "I guess you'll just have to throw me in that volcano after we finish."

See, Tongue? This is why I only trust you to lick stamps and spit raspberries.

"You sure about this, Princess?" Applejack asked. "He ain't even pretendin' anymore."

"Actually, he's got a point," Twolight said, pulling her nose away from my golden page. "I doubt there's anything he could say that would get us to trust him, and we've already seen how fast he can run. If he was going to try to take off with my crown, he probably would have done it by now." She pulled the list away from her face and slowly levitated it over to me.

"Is this crown really that important?" Sweetie asked.

"Yes!" Twolight and Pinkie shouted simultaneously.

Twolight looked at Pinkie curiously. "I think you just said that louder than I did."

Pinkie's Diamond-grade smile made a sparkling reappearance. "Oh, well...I just figured if the princess is here it must be that important, right?"

"Uh-huh," Twolight turned to me again. "Why don't we get started? You want me to be Simon, right?"

"What?" I shouted, grabbing my rules out of the air as they got within snatching distance. Hearing my own overreaction, I heavily lowered my volume as I responded, "That's okay. I'll be Simon."

Twolight looked confused. "Then why'd you bother showing me those rules? The only notable ones on there were restrictions on what Simon can and can't say."

I started wiping the excess magic off the lamination of my rules with my sleeve as I mumbled, "No reason."

"What sorts of things can he not say, Twilight?" Diamond asked, restraining Opal again.

"He can't tell us to do anything that wouldn't be fair. For instance, he can't give us any physically impossible commands, like telling us to shoot lasers out of our eyes."

"You mean like this?" Mr. Star asked as he materialized a shiny pair of flickering goggles and put them over his eyes.

Twolight swiped the goggles away from him. "The rules say it has to be possible for all remaining players. If even one of us can't do it, it's against the rules."

"So how long is this gonna take?" Applejack asked. "Are we playin' till the last pony standin'? Because I think we can just give the princess the trophy right now."

"The rules say that 'Simon' gets two commands for every player including himself. The game ends when Simon runs out of commands. Anypony left in the game wins. If nopony's left, Simon wins." She looked over our group. "There are ten of us here, so that's twenty commands."

"Ugh, this is gonna take forever," Pinkie said, sagging down against the wall of the school. Catching the princess looking at her, she straightened her posture and said with her brightest smile yet, "Not that I'm not totally being cooperative."

Celestia smiled at her again before turning to me. "Before we begin, may I ask you one question?" Her smile faded as that probing look infested her eyes again. "I know you don't wish to share with us why you wanted to play this game, but can you at least tell us why it was so important for all of us to participate?"

There's no way I can tell you that. I can't even tell you why I can't tell you that. The second the Blanks catch on to what I'm doing...

"Isn't it obvious, Princess?" Twilight asked, springing up beside her.

Cludgeknots, why does Twilight have to be so quick? If she pulls the curtain back now, this game will have no point.

"Simon Says is the most fun when more ponies play. Right, Mork?"

I blinked. "Right."

Good, she's playing dumb. She must be confident that I have no chance of pulling this off. That should be all I need to pull this off.

Celestia didn't seem convinced by Twilight's answer, but she didn't raise any further questions, and with the magic wiped off my rules, it seemed we were about ready for liftoff.

"Perhaps we should get started," Diamond Tiara said, still struggling to maintain control of her former pet. "The sooner I can get Opal and Sweetie Belle away from you, the better."

Ouch, grouped together with the cat. Sweetie Belle really is the neutral one.

I nodded, thankful for the opportunity to keep my mouth closed.

"And just so we're clear," Twolight said. "You're giving it back after the game's over, right? No matter who wins?"

I cocked my head, slightly wary of her tone. "

I nodded again as I looked back to my rules, checking one last time for any spots on it that made my fingers tingle. It was just as I suspected. Five minutes without my Mork language and I was already running out of coherent sentences. This game couldn't have come at a better time.

"All right," I said, folding the paper in half. "Game start."

As the BGM played a grand orchestral opening to signal the start of our game, I lifted my rules beside my head and shoved them right into my ear.

And with that, it was time for Diamond Tiara's reckoning.

Mork's pupils swelled as he pulled his empty claw out of his ear. He began to babble mechanically, the noise flowing out of his mouth too quickly to be sure if he was actually speaking words. He stopped as quickly as he started and shut his eyes, a light bulb springing out of his head.

The others stared at him with blank expressions, several of them taking a step away. Rarity covered Sweetie Belle's eyes.

"I've never played Simon Says like that before," Pinkie said.

"You mean with scientific anomalies?" Shooting asked, scribbling furiously on his notepad. "You don't know what you're missing."

Mork reopened his eyes, his pupils back to normal. He placed his front claws behind his back as his smile returned and he said, "Greetings and salutations, four-legged carrot enthusiasts, and thank you for selecting me as your Simon for today. I know you have a lot of options when it comes to choosing your frivolity administrator, so I will do my best not to disappoint. Rest assured, I will see to it that you are properly entertained and domineered."

"What was that last part?" Applejack asked.

"What was that first part?" Sweetie asked.

Mork clapped his gloves together. "The sun smiles on our game this afternoon. If you are ready to begin, please say 'ready'."

Twilight looked to the princess as if to ask if they were really going to go through with this. After receiving a nod, Twilight turned back to Mork and said, "Okay, we're ready."

Mork's pupils dilated again as his smile fell flat. In the time Twilight had to blink, he was standing in front of her, his front claw raised high above his head.

"Out!" he shouted, slamming his open claw down onto Twilight's forehead, his fingers barely missing her horn.

"Ow!" Twilight smacked his arm away as she glared up at him. He had stopped paying attention to her and was now examining his claw.

"Odd," he said. "I seem to be missing my elimination marker." He looked back to Twilight. "I apologize for the inconvenience. Please exit the Simon Zone until the necessary equipment can be located for a proper elimination."

"That doesn't count!" Twilight shouted, rubbing her head. "We haven't started yet!"

Mork shook his head. "Not true. I announced the start of the game before suppressing my mind with its rules. Therefore, when I asked you to say 'ready', the rules were already in effect. Rule 1B stipulates that performing an action not predated by 'simon says' means you are out. Now please report to the Elsewhere of Shame."

"Suppressing your mind, huh?" Shooting said, continuing to jot down notes.

As she received another nod from her princess, Twilight lowered her head and walked away from the group.

"Out!" Mork shouted, once again whirring over to Twilight and slapping her on the head, this time with enough force to knock her over. As she hit the ground, Gummy flew off her ear and landed in the princess's mane.

"I'm already out!" Twilight shouted, standing back up. "What was that for?"

Mork's pupils dilated again. "Rule 7B. Eliminated players may continue to be eliminated, resulting in premature elimination in subsequent games."

"Ooh, bad luck, Twilight," Pinkie said. "I'll be sure to play for you next round."

"There better not be a next round," Diamond mumbled.

"Mork, seeing as how you don't have your 'proper equipment' with you, do you think we can skip the elimination procedure?" Celestia asked, repositioning Gummy on her head.

Mork's eyes dilated. "Please wait while I process your request."

Hearing his request, Twilight tensed up. "Don't wait!" she shouted.

As the one closest to him, Applejack did the first thing that came to mind. She twirled around and bucked Mork right in the chest, sending him flying onto his back. As his pupils contracted, he leaned back up, smiling as if nothing had happened. "Request approved. Thank you for your feedback. I look forward to providing a satisfactory session of amusement for all remaining targets."

"Hey," Sweetie said. "I just realized. He said 'please' before each one of those things he said. We just have to listen for that!"

"Understood," Mork said, his pupils expanding. "'Please' will no longer be said before commanding any herbivores."

"Way to go," Silver Spoon said. She looked over to Diamond. "Can you believe her?" Diamond shrugged.

Mork clapped again. "I have a proposal. As a sign of courtesy, I will allow you to choose my next command. Any command shall suffice, provided it is compatible with the rules."

"You're letting us decide?" Rarity asked.

"I can think of a few options," Applejack said.

"Kick me in the face!" Diamond shouted, leaning forward. "Simon says, 'Kick me in the face!" Diamond's remark was met with a swift blow to the nose from Sweetie's back hoof that knocked her off balance.

"Sweetie Belle!" Rarity shouted.

Sweetie winced, her eyes turning fearful as she came to realize what she'd done. She looked back to Diamond, who had partially fallen over and was rubbing her nose. "Wait, you wanted him to say that, didn't you?"

"Are you normally this clueless, or are you making an exception for the holiday?" Silver asked, helping Diamond up.

"You okay, Diamond?" Applejack asked, moving over to get a closer look. She lifted her left leg. "How many hooves am I holding up?"

"I'm fine," Diamond said as she stood upright. "I didn't lose any teeth, did I?" She opened her mouth.

Silver looked inside and shook her head. "No, you're good."

"I'm so sorry, Diamond," Sweetie said. "You just sounded so assertive. I got confused. You understand, right?"

Diamond's upper lip quivered as she curved it upward. "Do you even have to ask? Don't worry about it. I'm sure…anypony could have made that mistake. Let's just get back to the game."

"You sure?" Applejack asked. "That looked like it stung somethin' fierce. Maybe you oughta call it quits and—"

"Quit? You mean give up? To that thing? In front of the princess?" Diamond's stray hair sprung out of place once again, and her eyes narrowed as she faced Mork. "I'm fine. I don't feel a thing."

"Well, all right then. Let's keep playing," Pinkie said. "Ask us to make you laugh, Mork. That oughta be a fun one."

"Laugh?" Mork asked, tilting his head. "One moment." He stuck his claw into his ear again, fiddling it around inside his head like he was rummaging through a toolbox. "I need to turn my emotions back on."

Not a word was said in question of Mork's statement, though one of them took some more notes. A small gleam appeared in Mork's eyes, and his smile grew even wider as he pulled his claw out of his head.

"Simon says, 'Make me laugh,'" he said.

"Yes!" Pinkie shouted, dashing over to him. "I've got just the joke for you. You're gonna love this one, ready? A train leaves Ponyville at 6 AM travelling at eighty hoofsteps per second on its way to Canterlot."

Mork went straight into a fit of laughter, holding his stomach as he walked around her. "Good one."

Pinkie turned around as he walked off. "But I didn't get to say the punch line."

"It's okay. I've heard that joke before. Besides, it's faster this way."

"Huh?" Pinkie asked.

"How about you?" Mork asked, walking up to Applejack. "What do you have for me?"

"Uh, knock knock?"

Mork laughed again, this time so forcefully that he fell onto his back. "Knock knock? There's not even a door."

"I guess, but that ain't exactly 'ha ha' funny."

After Mork calmed down, it was Sweetie Belle's turn, and he was back on the ground after catching sight of the 'humorous way her tongue moved'. Then he gave the rest of them a chance. Rarity lectured Opal as her cat made a desperate leap for his shoulder, Silver just stared at him in fear and disgust, Celestia raised an eyebrow at him, and Diamond asked if she looked like a clown to him. All of them got the same uproarious reaction out of him as if laughter had become his new language. As he fought for dear life to regain his composure, it was time for the last player to fulfill the objective.

"My turn," Shooting said, teleporting between Mork and Diamond, a pink vial of liquid in his magic. "This oughta do the trick." Before Mork had time to lose control again, Shooting shoved the vial into Mork's mouth and tilted it up. He didn't pull it away until the there was nothing left in the glass.

"Don't you think that's a little excessive?" Rarity asked. "There's a good chance he would have laughed if you had just shown it to him."

"Well, when else am I going to get to show off the essence of the Element of Laughter?" Shooting asked.

Celestia gasped, looking to Mork in concern as he lay on the ground in silence. "Shooting, you didn't."

"What's going on?" Twilight asked, walking up to look at Mork herself. "What did he do?"

Mork's lips were wobbling like gelatin as sweat splashed off his face like a sprinkler system. Then the laughter exploded out of him, his mouth the size of his entire head, his voice shrill, and his volume tremendous. Whatever ability he had to control his laughter before, it seemed there was none of it left.

"M-make it stop!" he said, barely managing to wheeze out the statement in between all his laughter. He rolled onto his stomach, repeatedly slamming his head into the ground.

"Shooting Star, you clean up this mess right now!" Celestia shouted.

"R-right," Shooting said, summoning a vial of gray liquid.

"But Shooty," Pinkie said, standing in his way, "he didn't say 'Simon says.'"

Shooting's bushy eyebrows curved downward. "Are you kidding me?" he shouted, forcing Pinkie back. "I'm not letting my prized specimen laugh his brains out to win a foal's game. Even I'm not that crazy." He teleported over to Mork with his vial in tow.

"Wait," Twilight said, teleporting in between them before he could administer the second potion.

"Throw me later, Uptight. I've got to give a sick creature his medicine."

"I—I know. It's just…" She turned to Mork, biting her lip before saying, "Give us back my crown first."

"Twilight…" Celestia said, a tremor of shock in her voice.

Mork wheezed, his laughter momentarily interrupted by a lack of oxygen. His voice hoarse, he whispered, "I can't." He glanced at the others. "It's not safe."

"Why not?" Twilight asked, but her only response was a deep breath followed by more laughter and spittle.

"Stand down, Snarkle," Shooting said, pushing her aside. "No one comes between me and my favorite toy."

Twilight looked at him. "What?"

"It's okay, Mork. This should make things less hilarious." He turned over the vial, letting the contents fall into Mork's open mouth. It took another half of a minute, but eventually Mork finally calmed down.

Gasping for breath, Mork leaned up and placed his claw on Shooting's shoulder. "Thank you," he said, his voice still fairly rough. "You're out, but thank you."

Shooting wrapped his hooves around Mork. "Just don't let me scare me like that ever again. I've got too much gray hair to let anything happen to you."

He pulled away and teleported to the side, and Twilight reluctantly followed him. After catching his breath once again, Mork stood back up and faced the remaining players.

"I believe I set my sense of joy too high," Mork said, digging his finger in his ear."I need to recuperate, so I will let you all choose the next command again."

"How about Simon says, 'Take back this crown I stole from you?" Twilight grumbled.

"Let's just do somethin' simple," Applejack said. "Put yer hoof on yer nose, stand on two legs, chase yer tail, you know, normal stuff ya say in Simon Says."

"Understood." Mork glanced around the playground until zeroing in on the tetherball pole. He pointed to it. "Simon says, 'Don't be the last to touch that pole.'"

Pinkie, the only one to respond with any urgency, pantomimed a lasso and pulled herself straight over to it, gleefully slamming her hoof against it. After processing Mork's request, Applejack, Sweetie, Rarity, and then Silver raced over to touch it themselves. After Silver made contact, she turned back to the two ponies who had yet to move.

"Diamond? Aren't you coming?" she asked.

"You go ahead," the princess said, looking down to Diamond. "I wouldn't want to ruin your fun."

"Oh, no, Princess, I insist. After you," Diamond said, extending her hoof toward the pole. "Who am I to cause a princess to get out?"

Celestia raised an eyebrow. "But didn't you say you didn't want to quit in front of the princess?"

"I'm not quitting!" Diamond paused and cleared her throat. "Your Highness. I just...I don't want to touch that pole."

"If the both of you refuse to move, I'm afraid I must follow standard protocol." Mork raised his finger and pointed over to the pole. "You, Silver, you're out."

Silver leapt back. "How do you know my name?"

"Why is she out?" Applejack asked. "She touched the pole."

"Yes, she did," Mork said. "Last. If you recall, that was what I specifically said not to do."

"But they didn't touch it at all!" Silver shouted, reeling as she remembered who she was pointing at. "No offense."

Mork shook his head. "I never said you had to touch it. I said you couldn't touch it last. You touched it last. You're out. Thank you for playing."

"Wait a second." Applejack said as she and the others rejoined Diamond and the princess. "I thought the rules said y'all couldn't tell us to do something unless everypony could do it. Ya can't run a race without somepony comin' in last."

"That's a good point, Applejack," Rarity said. "I should have known you'd try to cheat us, Mork."

"Chea—" Mork's left eye twitched. "Cheat? I'm afraid you are mistaken. If none of you touched the pole, you'd all be safe, as none of you would have touched it last. The command is very much within the scope of the rules." He placed his claws behind his back again and smiled. "Please refrain from any baseless slandering of my person."

"Oh!" Pinkie shouted. "You're a really, really bad piano player."

"Ya bought yer mom socks for her birthday," Applejack said.

"You turn into a wolf at night," Sweetie said.

"Your best friend is a giant cockroach," Diamond said.

"I don't think you can juggle," Celestia said.

"You never brush your teeth," Rarity said.

Mork's eyes narrowed as his smile relaxed into nonexistence. He dramatically turned and pointed to his left as he shouted, "Look over there!"

Reacting to his shouting and pointing, Applejack and Rarity each placed a hoof on one of Sweetie's cheeks, keeping her facing forward. Their actions caught Diamond's attention, but fortunately for her, it was in the opposite direction that Mork was pointing.

"Nice try," Applejack said, "but we're not gonna fall for something that—"

"Opal!" Rarity lifted her cat off the ground, suspending her to her right. "Honestly, I know Mork cast some sort of spell on you to make you like him this much, but surely you have some self-control left." She turned forward again to face a wide-eyed Mork, his arm still pointing to the side. "Oh, for the love of—" She planted her hoof into her forehead. "Would you mind if we tried that again?"

It didn't sound like that ridiculous of a request, especially for such an informal game. However, whether it was that ridiculous or not, it was apparent that Mork had a problem with it. Otherwise, his head probably would not have exploded.

It all happened so quickly. One moment his head was there. A second later, it popped like a bubble, leaving only an empty space in its place. However, before anyone could ask the body if it was okay, it reached down its shirt and pulled out a new head resembling the original one. The only differences from its old head were the pimple being on the opposite side of its nose and the look of shock and agitation.

"No!" he shouted, flailing his finger at Rarity. "No! No! No! No! No!" He was distracted from his pointing as several golden scraps of paper descended in front of his face. His eyes widened as his expression turned to full anger.

"No!" He spun around, throwing his arms up as he walked away, continuing to shout the word over and over again. He made it to the slide and gave it a kick, recoiling at the pain and falling over. Then, he stopped shouting, rotated away from them, and pulled his knees up to his chest.

"He's certainly a stickler for his rules, isn't he?" Rarity asked.

"Does this means the game's over?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"No way!" Pinkie shouted. "I'm gonna go see what's wrong."

"You?" Shooting asked. "If anyone should do that, it's me. I'm the one who learned his language."

"I don't think either of you need to go," Applejack said, pointing past them.

"Princess?" Twilight asked, watching Celestia slowly making her way over to the slide.

"Don't do it, Princess!" Diamond shouted. "It'll turn you into one of its kind!"

The princess flashed her another smile as she continued forward. "I think I'll be okay." She walked right up to where Mork was lying. He kept his back to her, and he said nothing as she drew closer to him. "Mork, is everything all right?" she asked.

He took a moment to respond. "No."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He said nothing.

"Is there something I can do to help?"

Silence.

Celestia sighed and leaned down to whisper in his ear. "Can you believe how many Blanks there are here?"

He urgently jerked his head back toward her, looking at her with wide eyes.

"So it's true." Celestia knelt down beside him, lighting up her horn to create a magical barrier around them. "Tell me quickly. Are there any in here with us?"

He eyeballed the forcefield and shook his head.

"Then allow me to get right to the point. Mork, I know you don't think highly of me, but right now you are an extremely valuable asset to me. I am a ruler facing a foe that I have no idea how to face. I've spent the past few hours searching the most obscure sections of my libraries for information about these creatures, and I've yet to find the slightest mention of them. I understand you can't tell us what you're planning to do about them where they can hear you, but can you tell me? Right here? Whatever you're planning with this game, I would very much like to help you with it. Will you let me?"

He opened his mouth, then looked up at the alligator on her head. He remained silent.

Celestia double-checked her forcefield. "Please, Mork, whatever your opinion of me is, don't let my subjects pay the price for it. I know I'm still essentially a stranger to you, but I also know you truly wish to help us defeat these Blanks from the bottom of your heart, and even without the Test of Harmony spell I can tell you aren't a villain. So what do you say? Can we work together to defeat them?"

His wide-eyed expression turned sour, and he faced away from her again.

"I see. You still don't trust me. Is there anything I can do to change your mind?"

Without looking back, Mork tossed his arm at her and opened his claw. "Shake my hand."

Celestia looked at his glove and then at him. Shutting her eyes, she regally raised her head and said, "Very well. If that's what it takes." She lifted her hoof and placed it on his glove. The second she did, he clamped it shut like the jaws of a shark and slowly moved it up and down. With a manic smile on his face, he slowly rolled over to look up at her.

The princess was smiling back, showing no physical discomfort with his aggressive handshake. She opened one eye to look at him and leaned forward. "I'm out. Is that what you were about to say?"

His smile only a distant memory, Mork pulled his arm away and pinched his eyes shut, cupping his claw in his other claw like he had just stuck it in a fire.

"I understand," Celestia said, dropping her forcefield as she turned away herself. "Thank you, Mork."

"What did he say, Princess?" Twilight asked as the princess came back over.

"He just needs a few minutes to collect himself. Then he will be ready to play again."

"That's it?" Twilight asked. "That's all you asked him about?"

The princess smiled. "Calm down, Twilight. I think we've all been taking Mork a little too seriously. Why don't we take a moment to—" The princess paused as a scroll manifested in front of her. "That's odd." She opened it up and started looking over it. As she read, her smile began to fade.

"What's it say, Princess?" Twilight asked.

"Twilight, I need you to watch over Shooting." Celestia rolled up the scroll. "Make sure he doesn't cause anypony trouble."

"What do you mean? What's going on?"

Celestia turned to the others. "I'm sorry, everypony, but I'm afraid I have to leave."

"Leave?" Sweetie repeated. "But what about—"

Celestia lifted Gummy off her head and placed her back onto Twilight's. "Just keep playing with him once he's feeling better. I promise he will give your crown back once you're done."

"But, Princess, how do you know that for sure?" Twilight asked.

Celestia looked back at her as she spread her wings. "Twilight, do you remember when you told me that Mork was just a child?" She gave him another look. "You were right."

As the princess took off, Rarity called out. "Princess, wait! At least tell us why you're leaving!"

She came to a stop in midair and grimly looked back one last time. "My sister's come home early. And she's not in the best of moods." Celestia turned away and flew off, reducing the group count to nine.

"Great, now what?" Silver asked.

Twilight scratched her head. "I guess we just wait for—"

She stopped as something behind her caught her eye. A cloud was starting to manifest above Mork's head again. However, unlike the others before it, this one was much darker, and as it reached its full size, no image appeared across its surface. Instead, a torrent of rain fell out from its bottom, just like a genuine rain cloud. It poured down right on top of Mork and the area around him, and he didn't even sit up to notice.

If I ever said anything to suggest that Princess Celestia was anything less than an unquestionably malignant supervillain, I deeply apologize.

I'd never seen anything like it. She'd pounced on me while I was down, picked me up, dusted me off, and dropped a safe on my head. I'd have been impressed if I weren't so utterly destroyed. I never knew magic was capable of that kind of devastation. No, that wasn't magic she used. That was much more powerful. That was psychology.

She pulled it off so flawlessly. She taunted me with that condescending tone and talk about me not being a true villain just so I'd get angry enough to try to eliminate her. Then she purposely fell for it, knowing I'd have a burning urge to see the look on her face when I tricked her. And when I did, she was ready with that soul-crushing look that my mother would give me when I told her a space alien broke the living room vase. It was the look of ultimate superiority, the look that assured me I was half a million seasons too young to actually fool her. Obviously, she wanted to get back at me for calling her pompous by showing exactly how much better she was than me, and unfortunately, she succeeded.

Meanwhile, my psychology skills had regressed to the point where I couldn't even pick out the main character from a group of nine. Had I really fallen this far as an antagonist? As a psychology major? What was wrong with me?

No, this wasn't me. Not this time. This was Diamond Tiara's fault. She was the one who ruined everything. She was the one who kept finding new possessions of mine to take from me. She took my hammer, my hat, my dreams, my minions, my rules, my goals of crushing her and leaving her an empty husk, she left me nothing. She was a parasite, draining away everything I hoped to achieve in this world and moving on like it was an average day of the week. If she had just betrayed me on that picnic like she was supposed to, none of this would have happened. Why did she have to volunteer to look after me? Why did she have to lose this game? Why did she have to compel me to fall into confirmation bias? Again?

She had to be the second most insufferable creature to ever reap the benefits of oxygen, and the worst part was that since she was allied with the Blanks, all of her crimes would go unpunished. That was just how it worked with her kind, and as I sat up against the downpour from the darkened cloud above me, my thoughts were becoming more and more consumed with a single idea:

I hate her. I hate her entirely. I hate her hair. I hate her voice. I hate her false smile. I hate her false compliments. I hate her nonsensical obsession with clothing. I hate her house. I hate her pet. I hate her family. I just wish everything about her would vanish off the face of every smooze-accessible world in existence!

"That's a pretty big statement for one horse, don't ya think?"

I didn't even look up. My patience was running on fumes, and I didn't want to waste any on the third most insufferable creature I knew. Of course, that wasn't going to stop him.

"Looks like the game's going pretty well," Devil Me said, leaning against my ear. "And hey, you even managed to give one command all by yourself. That's quite an impressive achievement."

What are you doing here? Are you seriously working overtime on a holiday?

"Oh, this is strictly a personal visit. So don't be surprised if your other shoulder feels a bit empty."

"Mork!" the white witch herself called out. "If you want to play your silly game, then stop raining on yourself and come back over here!"

"That's her, right?" Devil Me asked. "The Main Blank?"

We wish. She lost already.

"Then what are we waiting for? Let's finish the game and see who the real one is."

I can't. When my head exploded, my rules went with it. I can't play with-ow!

Devil Me removed his pitchfork from my ear. "Don't give me that. You were doing just as poorly with the rules as you would without them. I mean, three out of four eliminations with non-Simon commands? That's just bad form."

"Mork!" Twilight said, bouncing up in front of me as Mr. Star appeared next to her. "Why are you just sitting here in the rain, silly? Come on, don't you want to keep playing?"

I flashed her my defective pause sign and looked up to Devil Me. What do you mean 'bad form'?

"Any Simon can get his victims out with a quick 'nod your head if you're ready,' or a 'give me a second to think of something', but that kind of play style is for inoffensive little sheep who can't handle being a real Simon."

Twilight grabbed my arm and started pulling on me. The rain was starting to wash the makeup off her face. "Let's go. You don't want to catch a cold, do you?"

What would you know about what a real Simon is?

"Because it's what you were, back before you started relying on those rules."

"Shooty! Stop drinking the rainwater and help me!"

What are you talking about? I've always used those rules to play Simon Says.

"You gotta try it," Mr. Star said, his tongue hanging out of his mouth. "It's salty."

Devil Me crossed his arms. "I understand why you don't remember. After all, that was back when you first took an interest in psychology."

"What?" I shouted, pushing myself off the ground. I shook Twilight off my arm and grabbed hold of him. "You know about that? You've known all this time and haven't told me?"

"Huh?" Twilight took a step back. "Known about what?"

Devil Me turned away. "Hey, if you're not going to listen to me about the important stuff, why should I bother telling you anything minor like that?"

"No, that's not possible," I said. "You've never been interested in anything I like. Why would you actively remember something like that?"

"I don't know," Mr. Star said. "What do I remember?"

"Never been interested?" Devil Me pulled his hand out and slapped me across the face. "Don't you know who you're talking to?"

I let him go to rub my cheek. "Of course, you're the one who wants me to be evil. That's all you care about."

"What?" Twilight stomped her hoof. "No, Mork, the opposite. I want the opposite!"

Devil Me slapped me again. "Have you really lost that much interest in psychology? Think, Think Tank. You studied all this stuff once, remember? My uniform may give me this devilish appearance, but I'm not your evil side. I'm your id, the raw manifestation of your most basic desires. Everything you want, I want. Everything I want, you want."

"Then why are you always insulting me? Why would I want that?"

"But I thought you liked the name, 'Mork'," Twilight said.

"Because you're just as sick of yourself as I am. Sick of agreeing with everyone, sick of doing what you're told, sick of that disgusting smile you put up whenever someone looks your way. You want to be a better villain, a real villain. You want to be a major antagonist, not one's maidservant. I'm just the part of you that's honest about it."

"What in the hay is going on here?" Applejack asked, she and the others approaching my cloud.

"Following orders is my job. That's why I'm still here, right?" I asked him. "Because of that letter you showed me?"

"Your job?" Twolight asked. "You mean the one who wrote the letter sent you here?"

"What about you?" I asked. "You follow orders too."

"Huh?" Twolight stepped back. "Well, yeah, but…"

"Only when there's something in it for me. If I were doing what I'm 'supposed to do', I'd be with Halohead right now, filling out the paperwork for you to be here. I can't live inside a prison of rules like that, and that means neither can you." He floated down and picked up a golden shred of paper that lay at my feet. "Lucky for you, your rules just got broken."

A bolt of lightning struck the ground right at my feet, making Twilight and the others jump back. Half a dozen more went off within the span of the cloud, scaring everyone else out of my radius.

"You're right! I am sick of it. I'm sick of all the do's and don'ts, the rights and wrongs, the morks and the mork morks, all that nonsense that tells me what I can't do. The Board tells me I can't go home, you tell me I can't be nice, reality tells me I can't adventure, and the worst part is I always listen! I go through all the drudgery, the homework, the pianos, the magic, all because it's the role I've been assigned. Well, I'm not an actor. I'm not putting on a show for anyone. I've barely even got an audience." I reached into my hammerspace and pulled out Twolight's crown. She gasped right on cue.

"I didn't ask for this kind of responsibility. I didn't ask for any responsibility at all! I came here for adventure, not more work!" A stinging pain shot across my forehead as the lighting around me began striking in faster succession. "It's time I did what I wanted, and I don't want this crown! Take it back!" With one hand on my head, I pitched the crown with all my might straight to its rightful owners.

I had no idea how therapeutic throwing a crown could be. The second it left my hand, the pain in my head, the storm cloud above me, and the anger I was feeling all vanished as if I had thrown them along with it. Then, as I stood there catching my breath, drops of rainwater dripping off my hair and clothes, a new emotion stopped by to replace all that anger: sheer terror.

"Well, Mork," Diamond Tiara said, holding the crown in her magic. "I honestly don't know what to say."

"So, Mork," Devil Me said, "is that what you wanted?"

Poke me. Slap me again. Have my giant roommate walk in and eat me. Just do something to prove to me that I didn't actually hand that witch her victory like a special order of steak fries!

Devil Me shrugged. "What can I say? I guess you're a maidservant to the end."

"You see, everyone?" Shooting said, teleporting right beside me and wrapping his hoof around my neck. "I told you Morky wasn't evil."

I grabbed hold of Devil Me again and pulled him up to my face. "Back then, back when I didn't use my rules, was I better than this? Was I a real Simon?"

"You were the Simon," Devil Me said.

"Then show me." I opened my mouth, shoved Devil Me inside, and swallowed him whole.

Mork started trembling as he pulled his claw out of his mouth. He shook himself out of Shooting's grip as he fell onto all fours. His balance looked shaky, and he groaned as his legs gave out underneath him and he collapsed.

"Mork, what's wrong now?" Pinkie asked. "Don't tell me you caught a cold that fast."

"Do you need some smooze?" Shooting asked, tipping his straw toward him.

Mork grunted in pain as a pair of horns stuck out of his head. A sinister smile spread across his face as a pointed tooth forced its way past his lips, and all of his clothing not counting his gloves turned bright red.

"Mork, is that...your true form?" Twilight asked.

He stood back up on two legs, stretching like he had just woken up. "You can call this my better form." He turned his gaze toward Rarity, frowning as he caught her looking at him with a grand smile on her face. "What?"

"I was just wondering." She cleared her throat. "If I forgave you for a few minutes, would you mind telling me the secret behind your color changing outfit?" She reached out to touch his shirt. "Is it some sort of magic cotton from your world?"

Before Mork could respond, he was interrupted by Shooting Star grabbing onto the pointed, red appendage sticking out behind him.

"So you do have a tail," Shooting said, giving it a tug. "And a retractable one, at that. So what purpose does it serve? And why is it so pointy?"

Mork poked Shooting in the forehead with it and pushed Rarity aside, taking the crown from her.

"Hey!" Twilight shouted. "Give that—" She was silenced as he slapped the crown onto her head.

"You're bothering me," he said. "I don't have time for losers."

"Beg pardon?" Rarity asked.

Mork grabbed Pinkie by the tail and dragged her along with him as he walked up to Applejack, Sweetie, Diamond, and Silver. He slid Pinkie over to them and pointed to Silver. "You, get lost."

"Oh, r-right," Silver said, backing away before scampering behind Twilight.

"Hey, don't talk to her like that," Diamond said. "Jerk."

"Why should it matter how I talk to her?" Mork said. "It's up to her if she wants to listen or not. If she didn't, she wouldn't have just been eliminated for the second time."

"You mean we're still playing?" Sweetie Belle asked.

Mork grinned. "What, you thought I was done?"

"So wait," Diamond said, "you just turned all evil-looking with the horns and the fang and everything, and you just wanna keep playing Simon Says? What's the matter with you?"

"Why would you even want to keep playin'?" Applejack asked, pointing over to Twilight. "You already gave the crown back."

"I just thought you wouldn't want to disappoint your princess. She told you to keep playing with me, right?"

"Yeah, Applejack," Pinkie said. "We can't stop now. The princess said so."

"Fine, we'll keep playin'," Applejack said, pointing at him, "but after we're done, you gotta tell us what all that ruckus with the lighnin' and the yellin' at nothin' was about. And I mean the truth."

"Oh, now you're giving the orders?" Mork shook his head. "I remember when Simon got more respect than that."

"Take it or leave it."

"How about this? What if I promised you that after this game is over, the Main Blank will reveal herself?"

"The what?" Diamond, Sweetie, and Silver said simultaneously.

"What, now you're some kinda fortune teller?" Applejack asked.

"A fortune teller?" Mork looked up at a passing star-shaped cloud. "Sure, we can go with that. After all, when you know as much as I do, it's not that hard to predict what's going to happen."

"And what exactly do you know?" Twilight asked.

Mork dug in his ear with his finger. "That's funny. I thought I heard a loser talking. Sure would be nice if it made friends with a muzzle."

"Now you stop right there," Rarity said. "What makes you think you have the right to talk to us like that?"

"It's called a lack of interest in your opinions or feelings. Now if you don't mind, I'm trying to make a deal here." He brought his attention back to the four remaining players. "Anyway, that's my promise. If you finish the game, I'll give you the Main Blank. How's that for a deal?"

"What's the Main Blank?" Sweetie asked.

"It's the meanest, nastiest, evilest villain in all of Equestria," Pinkie said. "And we know absolutely nothing about it."

"Sounds more like a joke if you ask me," Diamond said.

"This whole thing's a joke," Applejack said. "What's a game of Simon Says got to do with some evil creature we can't see that wants to wipe us off the map?"

Mork's initial response to her question was confusion. He narrowed his eyes at her and said, "I have a question for you, and Simon says to answer it. If a little girl and a giant snake got into a fight, who would win?"

"Does the little girl have snake repellent?" Pinkie asked. "And is she Fluttershy?"

"No."

"Then I'll go with the snake."

"How big a snake are we talkin' here?" Applejack asked.

"She can get stuck in its teeth."

"Yeah, ain't much a little girl can do against that. I'll say snake too."

"I couldn't even handle a normal-sized snake," Sweetie said. "No way I'm winning against one that big."

Mork turned to Diamond, who looked about ready to lunge at him. "And you?"

"Don't call me a little girl."

Mork smiled at her. "All right then. Let's keep going."

"But she didn't answer the question," Sweetie said.

Mork shook his head. "Clearly you didn't hear what she said. Now Simon says, 'Bring me an apple'."

"An apple?" Sweetie asked. "Where are we supposed to find an apple on a playground?"

"I'll give you five minutes," he said, frowning as he looked at his watch. "Or so."

Sweetie, Pinkie, and Diamond looked straight to Applejack.

"What am I, the Apple Fairy?" she asked, the others continuing to stare at her. She sighed and took off her hat, taking one out. "I just got the one."

Mork's claw snatched it right out of her hoof, his overextended arm pulling it back over to where he stood. "And the rest of you?"

"Don't fret, everyone," Shooting said, taking off his own hat and shaking the gelatinous glob out onto the ground.

"What is that?" Diamond Tiara asked as it rose up into the air.

"What, this?" Shooting said, shoving his hoof into it. "This is my pet, Smoozy."

"No help from losers," Mork said, glaring at him.

"Smoozy's never lost anything in her life," Shooting Star said, sticking his hoof inside it as if to pet it.

Mork rolled his eyes. "Fine, but I don't want to hear any more talking over there."

Shooting nodded and whispered something into the glob. At his command, Smoozy sprung to life, zooming away only to return a moment later. As it came to a standstill again, it spit out a hoofful of apples into a pile underneath it.

"Wow," Sweetie said, her eyes sparkling as she bounded up to get a closer look.

Diamond was on the verge of vomiting as she clamped her eyes shut and covered them with her hooves, shaking her head as she chanted to herself, "Snot doesn't sneeze. Snot doesn't sneeze."

"All right," Mork said, pointing to the pile of apples. "Those will do."

Sweetie and Pinkie each grabbed an apple and gave it to him. Diamond, however, refused to move a muscle.

"Giving up already?" Mork asked her. "This one was supposed to be a freebie."

Diamond's ears perked up at his question as she pulled her eyes away from her hooves. The anger in them faded as she gazed at the apples again, but she hesitantly made her way over to them.

"You're givin' us freebies now?" Applejack asked. "I thought you wanted to win."

"Oh, I'm going to win," Mork said. "I've just got too many commands left right now for you to have a chance."

"Is that a fact?" Applejack asked, narrowing her eyes.

Diamond smacked the apple over to him like it was a hairy spider, and he reached down to pick it up. "Never thought I'd meet anyone squishier than Mork," he said, watching her attempt to lick her hoof clean. "Now then..." He put the apple behind his back and turned to Twilight.

Twilight put her hoof to her newly reclaimed crown as he approached her. "I thought you said you weren't interested in losers."

"I'm not," Mork said, snatching Gummy off her ear. He turned back to the group. "All right, everyone, it's that time again. I'm going to let you pick the next one. Only this time, give me a command involving Gummy here."

"Now you're talking, Mork," Pinkie said, bouncing over to him. "I bet Gummy could use some lunch. Ask us to get him some food."

Mork lifted Gummy and dropped him onto Pinkie's head. "I don't know what Mork was thinking," he said, walking past her. "You're just as dumb as the rest of them."

Pinkie paused for a second. "Oh, shoot," She slapped herself in the forehead. "I should have known." She pulled her pet off her head. "You were in on this, weren't you, Gummy?"

He approached the remaining three. "Sorry to sully my technique like that, but Ruly Mork made such a perfect false sense of security for me. I couldn't let it go to waste."

"Well, don't expect it to work again," Applejack said. "You only got eight things left ta say, and don't think you can just—"

"Seven," Mork said.

"Seven?" Applejack asked. "That was number twelve by my count."

"Oh, you must not have counted the one I used to dupe your princess."

"What?" Twilight shouted. "No way. There's no way you could've tricked the princess."

Mork didn't even look at her. "You know, I was under the impression that it took brains to be in charge of something, but I guess that's only true if the subjects have brains too."

"Hey!" Diamond shouted. "Some of us do!"

"I'll bet she left because she was too ashamed to admit losing to my lesser self. I mean, there are some things you just can't live down."

"Now you listen here, bucko," Applejack said, poking him in the stomach, "I don't know how things work where you come from, but here in Ponyville we—"

"Simon says, 'compliment me.'"

Everyone went quiet.

"What's wrong? Don't tell me that's all it took to get you. I thought some of you had brains."

Applejack was fervently staring at the ground as she rapidly tapped her hoof. "You—you got—that was a good one."

"I like your...pointy tooth?" Sweetie said.

Diamond took the longest before finally saying, "I think you may be the most evil thing I've ever met in my life."

Mork's eyes widened. "Never thought I'd hear that. Ah well, let's keep going."

"Wait, didn't you hear me?" Diamond asked. "I called you 'evil.'"

"What do you want? A thank-you? I've got a game to run, Curdles, and I'd prefer to keep my momentum."

"So you're admittin' that yer evil to us?" Applejack asked. "Is that it?"

Mork smirked. "Here, let me prove it to you. Simon says, 'Let me see your postage stamp.'"

"Our what?" Sweetie asked.

"Your postage stamp. I want to see it."

"But I don't have my own stamp," Diamond said. "Not yet, anyway."

"Then the exit's that way." He pointed her toward the others. She scowled at him and slunk off. "How about the rest of you?" he asked.

"I still don't understand what yer talkin' about."

Mork groaned. "That little marking on your side. The magical one."

Applejack turned sideways. "You mean my cutie mark?"

"That's what I said."

"Wait, you want to see our cutie marks?" Sweetie Belle said, turning to her side. "But I don't have mine yet."

"Cutie mark?" Diamond stomped up beside Mork. "You didn't say anything about a cutie mark."

"Do you have to talk like that?" Mork asked, looking down at her. "I don't like hearing losers whine."

"Oh yeah?" Diamond turned to the side to proudly display her cutie mark. "Well, I don't like being called a loser by a much bigger loser."

Mork narrowed his eyes at her. "Where did you get that?" She stuck her tongue at him.

"What about me?" Sweetie Belle asked. "I still don't have mine."

"Tough break," he said. "Better luck next time."

"All right, now I know yer cheatin'," Applejack said. "How's she supposed to show ya what she don't have?"

Mork rolled his eyes as he turned to her. "Oh, sure, accuse the evil guy of cheating. He can't just be good at the game or anything."

"Well, what do you call it?" Applejack asked. "You read those rules."

"She can get one, can't she?" He looked at Sweetie Belle. "Can't she?"

Sweetie Belle backed away. "Well, yeah, but—"

"Then you can show it to me. But you refuse, so you're out." He pointed her away.

"I liked you better without the horns," Sweetie dropped her ears and walked over to her sister.

"Funny, I liked you better with them. So, Applehead and Milk Dud, how does it feel to be the last two? Is it exciting? Terrifying? Humbling?"

"Twilight, do you think the princess would mind if I gave this guy a quick lesson in manners?" Applejack asked.

"I think she'd be more than okay with it," Diamond said, "as long as I can go first."

"Manners, huh?" Mork said, scratching his head. "I guess you two would be an advocate for those. How about this then? Simon says, 'Say something nasty.'"

"That all ya got?" Applejack asked with a smirk. "I can think a plenty. First of all—"

"'About Apple Bloom.'"

Applejack gasped, then furiously narrowed her eyes. "Don't you even say her name."

Mork held up his broken watch. "Shorter time limit on this one. You have ten seconds."

"Give me ten years." Applejack turned away. "I've got nothin' left ta say to you."

"Uh-huh." Mork rolled his eyes. "We all know you're going to say it eventually, so why not get it—"

"She's a total scaredy pony," Diamond said. "She's been jumping and screaming for no reason all day. I couldn't even say two words to her without her flipping out. Honestly, I think she's gone a little cuckoo."

Applejack slowly turned to look at her. "Did—did y'all just insult my sister?"

Diamond tensed up. "Hey, don't look at me. That thing told me to. You heard it."

"Yeah, and I also heard you, all day. And you never said one—"

She wasn't able to finish her sentence. Mork's euphoric laughter interrupted her. "So, Mork finally got the bejeepers to try and pull a prank on me, huh?" He looked straight at Diamond. "I don't like giving him credit for anything, but this one was actually pretty good. So how much did he pay you?"

"What are you going on about now?" Diamond asked.

"That much, huh? Then I've got another question. Are you having fun?"

"Fun? We're at school, stupid. Why would I be having fun?"

"You're right. I'm not having that much fun either." He turned away and strolled over to the tetherball pole. "So why don't we make this game more interesting? I've got three commands left. If you can somehow manage to overcome them, then I'll leave Ponyville and never come back…"

"Deal!" Diamond shouted.

"But if I win, you have to tell your dad you want me as your new pet."

A second hair jumped up out of Diamond's head. "No deal!"

"You can't force her to agree to something like that!" Twilight shouted.

"I'm not forcing anyone to do anything." Mork smacked the tetherball around the pole. "But Simon says to take the bet, so if you want to admit defeat now, that's fine too. Of course, that would only be an issue if you're afraid you're going to lose."

Though she had been lost in thought, his last comment pulled her back into reality. "Fine, I'll take your stupid bet. Just try and get me out."

Mork smiled widely as he stepped away from the pole. "That's good." Reaching behind his back and pulling out a green toothbrush as he approached her. "If nothing else, this should be worth a good laugh."

"You see the stick?" he asked, waving it in front of her face. She snorted at him. He leaned back and threw the toothbrush at the school. It bounced off the wall and landed in the grass. "Simon says, 'fetch.'"

Diamond's mouth fell open. She puffed her cheeks in anger, and pulled an aggressive about-face to go retrieve it. The others could only watch as she stomped over to it, grumbling to herself all the while. She picked it up in her teeth and carried it back over to him, spitting it out at his feet. "Let me guess. You want me to roll over and play dead too?"

"No need to be upset," Mork said, taking the toothbrush back. "You'll be doing this to me soon enough."

Diamond bared her teeth. "Only if you're the stick."

Mork crouched down to be at eye level with her and looked right into her eyes. "Yeah, you look like you're about ready." He stuck his thumb in his mouth.

"Ready for what? Your nappy?"

Mork pulled his thumb back out, the entire thing dripping with slobber. "Simon says, 'be quiet.'" In one quick motion, he reached out and shoved his thumb right into her ear.

The entirety of Diamond's hair from head to tail sprung up like it was trying to detach itself from her body, and the next ten seconds looked as if her body was attempting to explode. She clamped her teeth down on her tongue and crossed her legs, refusing to make even the slightest peep.

"Really?" Mork twisted his thumb around. "This isn't your limit?"

As an aura of purple magic surrounded it, Mork's claw was pulled away from Diamond's head. "Get your thumb out of her ear!" Twilight shouted. "That's disgusting!" She had to turn off her magic to nurse her headache but refused to take her eyes off Mork. "I'm not going to stand here and let you bully this filly like that. If that's how you're going to play, this game is over!"

"Not yet." Mork turned around. "I've got one more command, the one that's going to settle this once and for all."

"Fine, but say it from over there," Diamond said, her hoof covering her ear.

"No problem." Mork glanced over his shoulder. "Simon says, 'Say something nasty.'"

"Again?" Diamond asked, trying to knock the spit out of her ear. "Out of creative ideas, are we?"

Mork reached out his arm and pointed his finger straight at Rarity's head. "To her."

"Me?" Rarity asked.

"Her?" Diamond asked.

"You're not serious," Twilight said.

"Is that going to be a problem?" Mork asked, looking to Diamond.

"N-no! I can do it." Diamond glanced at Sweetie Belle. "But why her?"

"My thoughts exactly," Rarity said, performing a double take on Diamond. "You can do it?"

"Because I picked her. Now what's it going to be? Are you going to insult her or should I go find your dad?"

"Well…I…"

"Just stop it already!" Sweetie Belle shouted, running up in front of Diamond.

Diamond's eyes widened in surprise. "Sweetie Belle, what are you—"

Sweetie glanced back at her. "Don't worry, Diamond, I'll handle this." She faced Mork again. "You may think you know everything, but you don't know the first thing about what you're asking. Sure, she can do some mean stuff, and she can say some mean things, but she's trying to move past that, to be better than that."

"Better?" Diamond repeated.

"And, sure, maybe I used to think she was part vampire bat and traded her feelings for nicer hair. But I was wrong. She's just a normal pony like me or anyone else."

Diamond's eyes narrowed. "A normal pony?"

Sweetie proudly raised her head. "Yep, and I'm sure Silver Spoon's the same way. Right?"

"Yeah, thanks," Silver said apathetically.

Sweetie pointed right at Mork. "You think just 'cause you're Simon everypony has to listen to you? Well, you listen to me, buster. Diamond Tiara's my friend, and I'm not going to stand around and let you trick her into being mean again."

Mork scratched his head, looking as if he was trying to process Sweetie's diatribe. As he did, Diamond tapped Sweetie on the shoulder.

"Hey, Sweetie Belle," Diamond said. "Your sister made you that hat, right?"

"I most certainly did," Rarity said, beaming with pride as she walked up to admire it closely. "Isn't it lovely?"

Diamond smiled politely. "It's the most hideous piece of landfill I've ever seen on a pony's head. And I've seen hats made out of dirt."

Sweetie winced. "Oh no."

"What were you thinking with that size? Is it made for a pony or for two fully-grown dragons to sleep under? Also, who ever told you that flat-out nothing was a good decoration choice for a hat that big. And what's with the color? Every hack with a sewing machine knows that bold of an orange doesn't fit this time of the year. So where does that put you?"

"Okay, that's nasty enough," Sweetie said sheepishly, standing in front of her stunned sister. "You win."

"And you!" Diamond shouted, shoving her head forward. "You think I'd be a better pony if I were 'normal' like you and your stupid friends? I'd rather be more like your hack sister! You can't aim a slingshot to save your life, you eat like a pig that was raised by goats, your social skills keep trying me to convince me that you're half as old as you say you are, and if I have to hear you sing 'Hi Ho the Merry Oats' one more time I'm going to eat drying paint!"

Sweetie backed away from her. "But…we're friends now."

"And that's another thing. What kind of friend laughs at somepony when they get hit in the face with a watermelon? That's the thanks I get for helping you to get your cutie mark? Huh?"

"But you sounded just like—"

Diamond covered her ears. "Don't say it! I don't care what I sounded like. Do you have any idea how annoying your voice is? How would you like it if I went around laughing at you all the time?"

Applejack put her hoof on Diamond's head. "Take it easy there, sugarcube. Ain't no need ta—"

Diamond smacked it away. "But I put up with it. I put up with all of you, but you know what? You don't deserve my help. You don't deserve my friendship. And you will never get your cutie mark! Never, never, never!"

Sweetie Belle stood motionless, her legs stiff and her eyes wide. Her lip started quivering, her eyes turned moist, and she managed to squeak out one sentence before bursting into tears: "Scootaloo was right about you."

Her eyes heavy with tears, Sweetie charged off the playground without looking back, her sobbing turning louder the further away she got.

"Sweetie Belle, wait!" Rarity shouted, turning to Mork and Diamond. "I hope you two are happy with yourselves." She took off to catch up to her sister.

"Don't lump me together with that thing," Diamond shouted after her. "We're nothing alike!"

"I should say not," Mork said.

Hearing his voice, Diamond twirled back around. "I win, right? I beat you?"

Mork smiled. "That's right. You win." He paused to chuckle to himself. "Main Blank."

Diamond's smile fell as quickly as it appeared. "Hey! I beat you! I'm supposed to call you names."

"Mork," Twilight said, looking at Diamond like she was a dormant volcano. "Why did you just call her that?"

"What do you mean?" Mork asked. "Didn't you see her performance?"

"How could I have missed it?" Twilight mumbled to herself. "But what does that have to do with anything? I mean, sure, it was harsh and all, but—"

Mork groaned as he threw his glove over his face. "Not the chewout. She won the game, and though I'm loathe to say it, I didn't hold back. Surely you can put two and two together."

"I don't follow," Twilight said. "She won a game of Simon Says. You're saying that makes her the Main Blank?"

"I thought the Main Blank was supposed to be invisible," Pinkie said, touching Diamond's cheek. "She looks pretty in front of me to me."

"I said they were hiding in plain sight. I never said they were invisible. And as for the game, yes, it has to be her. Only the Main Blank could have won that game."

"Only the Main Blank?" Applejack said. "You mean you had all of us play because you were suspectin' it was one of us?"

"Even me?" Silver asked.

Mork shrugged. "Eh, I couldn't be too careful. I mean, look who it ended up being."

"But why could only the Main Blank win? There wasn't anything peculiar about that game." She paused as she thought about her words.

"The game didn't matter. It was the stakes."

"Huh?"

"See, this is why the Blanks keep eluding you. You have no sense of reality."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"When I asked you before who would win in a fight between a little girl and a giant scorpion..."

"You said snake," Pinkie said.

"Whatever. Not one of you answered correctly. If a giant snake and a little girl were to actually fight, there's only one way it could end: the little girl will win every time. Now can anyone here tell me why?"

"Because your noggin's stuffed full a sawdust?" Applejack asked.

"Innocence, cuteness, helplessness, unlikelihood of victory, the giant snake has none of these things, and when it comes to a serious, real-life battle, these are the only things that matter." He looked at Diamond. "It's the same with her. She didn't win because she's better than me at Simon Says. She won because she's more popular than I am."

"That's absurd!" Twilight shouted. "That's nothing how real-life works."

"Really? You've never seen it happen in real life? You've never seen good triumph over evil?"

"That's different," Applejack said. "Good always beats evil."

"Why?"

"Because evil…" Twilight paused. "Because evil doesn't...it's not as powerful as good."

"That's right. It never is, not as long as the audience says its not. It's that popularity that drives this world to motion. It gives the unlucky a lucky break, it gives the haughty some humble pie, and it gives little girls the power to take down even the biggest of snakes, no matter the odds. That's reality!"

No one really knew what to say to that. It seemed almost too ridiculous to acknowledge it was spoken by a living being. "Maybe the Princess was right," Twilight finally said. "Maybe we have been taking you a little too seriously."

"You'd better, because this is your only chance to defeat her."

"Who, me?" Diamond asked.

"Defeat her?" Twilight looked down at her. "She's just a filly. What are we supposed to do? Put her in time-out?"

"Time-out, dungeon, stocks, I don't care. But you better do something. Otherwise, she'll be wearing that crown of yours by the end of the day."

"I'd never do that!" Diamond shouted. "Why would I ever wear something that you've been holding?"

"A question, Mork," Shooting said, teleporting back into the conversation. "If the Main Blank can't ever lose, how can we possibly defeat her?"

"You're listening to him?" Silver asked.

Mork smiled. "It's like I said. As long as she's popular, she can't lose. But after that little temper tantrum, her popularity's gotta be at an all-time low. That's the price she pays for her popularity. She has to work like a dog just to make sure she keeps it, and once she loses it, she's got nothing."

Hearing the familiar phrase, Twilight found herself unable to retort. And since no one else had anything to say, Mork had time to ask, "So what'll it be? Do you want to save your kingdom or not?"

"By locking up Dimey?" Pinkie asked.

"We ain't lockin' up a filly," Applejack said, pulling Diamond close to her. "End of discussion."

"I'm not talking to you," Mork said, looking to Twilight. "What do you say?"

"I've got a potion that can test his theory," Shooting said, holding up a glass of red liquid. "If you pour it on something that's not a pony, it'll melt."

"Forget it," Twilight said. "We're done humoring him. Throwing somepony in a dungeon for winning a game of Simon Says is beyond ridiculous. Sorry, Mork, but we'll take our chances."

"Okay." Mork sat down on the grass and pulled out his toothbrush, dropping it in front of him. "Suit yourself." He pulled out a pen and stuck it into the dirt.

"What are you doing?" Twilight asked, walking up to him.

He traced a rectangle around the toothbrush. "I'm doing what you refuse to do." He picked up the toothbrush as the uneven head of a mallet solidified over top of the brush. "I'm protecting your Elements."

With a quick flick of his wrist, he slammed the hammer right into Twilight's sternum, launching her off her hooves and through the window of the schoolhouse.

"Twilight!" Pinkie shouted, dashing over to the school's front door.

Mork stood up and turned to Diamond and Applejack. "Let's do this quick before your audience starts rooting for you again."

"That ain't happenin'," Applejack said, standing in front of her. "Not while I'm around."

"Deal," Mork charged her. Instinctively, Applejack turned around and kicked him in the chest again. He went flying back and rolled into the slide. "A kick?" he asked, standing back up. "Do you know how much slapstick I deal with on a regular basis? I barely even felt that!" He charged at her again only for history to repeat itself.

"I can do this all day," he said as he charged again.

"Applejack, what are you doing?" Shooting asked as Applejack kicked him away again.

"I'm tryin' to keep a filly out of the hospital." Applejack glared at him. "What are you doin'?"

"The hospital?" Applejack turned back to find Mork poised to strike. "Don't be so dramatic. I just need to make her eyes turn all swirly." Before she could get back into position, he brought his hammer down and smacked her aside, knocking her into the wall of the school.

"Applejack!" Diamond cried, the hope seeping out of her eyes as Mork's shadow loomed over top of her.

"Nothing personal," he said with a shrug. "Everyone here's just a moron."

Diamond turned to run, dodging the hammer just as he slammed it down.

"Yeah, that figures." Mork stepped forward to follow her only to get pulled back by something. He turned around to find a hatless Applejack with a bump on her head biting down on his tail.

"Don't...you dare," she said, her hooves planted firmly in the ground.

Mork replied by reaching behind his back again. "Your kind is always so stubborn." Applejack watched as he pulled out an apple from nowhere and took a bite. As his eyes lit up, his tail began spinning around like a desk fan, and he swung Applejack around until she was forced to let go. She went flying into the swingset, the force sending her around the top bar several times until she was tied to it, her eyes spinning from dizziness. "Now then," he said, jumping into the air. He landed right in front of Diamond as she reached the front steps of the school, the impact of his landing knocking her onto her haunches.

She tried to turn and run again, but a shoe stomping on her tail snapped her back into place. With no desire to look up at his face, she put her hooves over her own face and waited for him to strike. However, when nothing happened, she felt compelled to peek.

"What are you waiting for?" Diamond asked, looking up at him just standing there, watching the clouds go by. "Do you want to see me beg? Because you might as well just hit me."

"I can't hit you with my hammer while my power food's still active," he said. "That'd just be cruel."

Diamond looked up at his face, then at his foot. She tried to pull her tail free while he wasn't looking, but he was putting too much weight on it for her to get anywhere.

"So, what's the deal with you and the ice cream?" he asked. "Is it a year-round thing or do you switch to hot chocolate in the winter?"

Diamond's eyes drooped in annoyance. "It's not a thing at all. It's called bad—"

"H-hey!" A voice called out to them.

"Silver Spoon?" Diamond asked, turning to see her friend standing in front of her.

Mork turned to her. "What do you want?"

A drop of sweat rolled down Silver's face as her entire body trembled. "I—I want you to stop."

"That's great. Now go away. My theme's about over."

"N-no!" Silver said, trying to force some anger into her fearful expression. "Diamond's my best friend, and I...I won't let you hurt her."

"Well, clearly Diamond cares more about Sweetie Belle right now, so why don't you go bother her?"

Finding the anger she was looking for, Silver threw her head down, shut her eyes, and charged forward, screaming as loudly as she could.

"Silver Spoon, stop!" Diamond shouted, her protests doing nothing to even slow her down.

"All right," Mork said, winding back. "Don't say I didn't give you a fair trial."

As Mork's arm pulled forward to make contact, his trajectory was derailed as a stallion's head slammed into his side, knocking him off Diamond's tail and sending him rolling into the flagpole.

Filthy groaned as he tried to straighten his back. "Looks like acupuncture only works for so long."

"Dad!" Diamond stood up and threw her hooves around him. "What are you doing here?"

"I felt like our quality time today got cut short. I heard you were coming to the school, but I didn't expect you to still be here. What's going on? Why was Mork about to tenderize you?"

"He's trying to play Whack-A-Mole with us," Silver said, pointing over to him. "Only, not the safe, fun version."

Recovering from the collision, Mork stood back up and pointed his hammer at them. "All right, that's enough surprise—wait a second." He lowered his hammer. "Didn't you tell me you were punishing her?"

"Not with a hammer. And I don't recall giving you the authority to do so."

"But...she's the main Blank. She shouldn't get…"

"Stop calling me that!" Diamond shouted. "Dad, this thing's trying to say I'm some kind of invisible, evil thief or something."

"Well, don't worry. This time I mean it." He wrapped his hoof around her. "You'll never have to see this thing again."

Diamond rubbed her head against his tie. "I love you, Dad."

The front door to the school opened, and Pinkie came out with Twilight on her back. "Mork!" Pinkie shouted, staring angrily at him. "Twilight sprained her ankle because of you. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Mork was staring at the ground, his claws on his head as he sorted out his thoughts. "I mean, a lecture or a slap on the wrist maybe, but a lasting punishment? No, that can't be right."

"Mork!" they all shouted, startling him out of his mumblings.

"What?" he asked, looking up to the swarm of fuming eyes all pointed at him. He raised his finger and counted them. "Hmm, looks like the window's already closed." He clapped his gloves together. "Congratulations, Blanks. Looks like this world's yours. You'll have to let me know how things go."

Mork's horns and tail faded away as his clothes turned blue again and he fell to his knees. Slightly disoriented, Mork stood back up to face the gang that was still staring him down.

A cheerful smile spread across his face. "April Foo—" Mork immediately found himself dragged across the playground face first via Twilight's magic. As he was lifted up into the air, he spit out the dirt in his mouth as he tried to keep up his smile.

"I've had just about enough of your games," she said, leaning up on Pinkie's back. "I know the princess saw something in you, but honestly I can't say what. Not only are you crazy, but your recklessness and selfishness is a danger to everyone around you. Plus, you're a total jerk."

"Does that mean it's volcano time?" Diamond asked excitedly.

"No," Twilight said. "It's time for you to uphold your end of the bet, Mork. You're going to leave Ponyville and never come back."

Shooting teleported into the fray. "Wait! Can't we—"

"No!" the rest of them shouted.

"Smooze," Twilight said, snatching off Shooting's hat. "Take Mork home. Now."

The glob splashed into Mork and began to consume him, leaving him little time to react. He looked down as it covered his torso, then his legs, then his arms, and finally his head. Right before it consumed him entirely, he shut his eyes and said, "Mr. Rich, don't let Pinkie Pie—"

The smooze covered his head and took off like a bolt of lightning, and Mork was gone.

"Can I get a little help over here?" Applejack called from the swingset.

"Sure thing, Applejack," Pinkie called, bouncing over to her aid with Twilight still on her back.

"Finally," Diamond said, falling onto her stomach. "It's gone."

"What do you think Mork wanted to tell me?" Filthy asked, looking up at the sky.

"I don't care," Diamond said. "Just as long as I never have to see—" A splash of liquid fell onto her head and she jolted back up, angrily looking up to find Shooting Star holding an empty vial over her head.

"Sorry," he said. "Just had to make sure."

My Name Is Diamond Tiara

Chpt. 1 - My Name Is Diamond Tiara

Friday, March 21

"Seventy-one," Diamond Tiara said, she and her friend shifting their eyes back and forth like they were watching a rather slow game of table tennis.

"Seventy-two," Silver Spoon said with even less enthusiasm as the two continued watching what was in front of them.

"Seventy-three," both of them grumbled as they lost more and more interest in what they were witnessing.

"This is ridiculous!" Diamond Tiara shouted, her ferocity causing her friend to jump in surprise. Diamond stomped away from her position by the wall of the schoolhouse to confront their teacher.

"Miss Cheerilee, can we please do something else already?" Diamond Tiara moaned, interrupting the lecture her teacher was presently giving to the other students. "I’ve had all I can stand of this momenitum stuff."

Cheerilee lost her train of thought upon hearing her student’s blatant mispronunciation of the day’s subject matter and calmly responded, "Momentum, Diamond Tiara, and I don’t think you’re really getting what you need from this demonstration."

"But it’s just so boring, Miss Cheerilee," Diamond Tiara whined as she stomped the ground in frustration. "Me and Silver Spoon have already been reduced to counting how many times we’ve watched that stupid thing go around that dumb pole."

Cheerilee, not liking to see this sort of negativity or such misuse of object pronouns from her students, politely offered, "How about this? Why don’t you take a turn now? Maybe that will make this lesson more interesting."

Diamond Tiara let out a small sigh and turned toward the tetherball pole. "Fine," she loathfully replied.

Cheerilee smiled, keeping up her cheerful demeanor. "That’s the spirit!" she cheered before calling out to one of the two fillies hitting the tetherball back and forth, "Scootaloo, let’s give Diamond Tiara a turn."

"Okay, Miss Cheerilee," the orange filly earnestly replied as she stepped aside to stand with the small crowd of spectating students.

Diamond Tiara reluctantly walked to one side of the tetherball pole opposite the yellow filly on the other. She checked to make sure her beloved tiara was still perfectly level on her head as she surveyed both her opponent and the tetherball with a very jaded look in her eyes. Cheerilee stood beside the other students as she prepared to continue with her lesson for that day, and Silver Spoon quickly made her way over to get a better look.

"Ready, Diamond Tiara?" Apple Bloom cordially asked, holding the ball with her front hoof.

"Just hit it already," Diamond Tiara mechanically replied with a hint of spite.

Apple Bloom complied with the impatient filly’s request, beginning a slow-paced rally between the two, and Cheerilee carried on with her explanation of momentum. Those that were not smacking the tetherball watched as it circled the metal pole, most of them intently listening to their teacher.

"Now remember, class, momentum is produced when a physical object has a force applied to it, which causes it to pick up speed. In this case, momentum is produced by the tetherball, the physical object, by smacking it, which creates the force that gives it its speed. When an object loses speed, it loses momentum, and vice versa. So, can anypony tell me at what point this tetherball has the most momentum?"

"Oh! Oh! Oh!" A white unicorn raised her hoof high in the air to get her teacher’s attention.

"Yes, Sweetie Belle," Cheerilee responded with a small giggle.

"It has the most momentum when Apple Bloom hits it, because she’s hitting it much harder. So that means there’s more of it at that moment…um, right?" Sweetie Belle stated, pointing to her friend. Several of the other students nodded and mumbled in agreement at Sweetie Belle’s suggestion.

Upon hearing this little scientific theory, Diamond Tiara realized that she was being insulted. She heard the way the other students all latched onto that blank flank’s ridiculous notion, and she could tell that at that moment they all thought Apple Bloom was better at hitting a stupid, worn-out, yellow ball around a tacky, poorly-crafted pole than she was. The very idea taunted the filly with a powerfully annoying amount of potency, causing her mind to converge onto one singular idea that she could not and would not disregard:

I’ll show them who can hit this thing harder.

As the tetherball swerved around the pole toward her, Diamond Tiara readied herself to hit the ball as hard as she possibly could with her front hoof. She felt a glimmer of excitement for the first time that entire school day as she fiercely dug her hoof into that yellow sphere like it was filled with candy. Miss Cheerilee, about to reply to Sweetie Belle’s answer, got sidetracked as she caught sight of a tetherball zooming around a pole with at least twice its previous speed.

Apple Bloom, not expecting the sudden change in momentum, could only drop to the ground as the ball soared straight over her head and back around the pole again. Diamond Tiara, not expecting it to come back so quickly, had to jump back to avoid it herself, and the ball continued on its circular path around the pole until it wrapped around it completely.

Apple Bloom stood back up after the ball had finally stopped. "What in the hay was that about?" she shouted toward her uncooperative tetherball partner.

Diamond Tiara, wanting to play up her proficient tetherball skills, stuck her nose up and boasted, "Oh, I’m sorry. Did I hit it too hard for you?"

Apple Bloom’s eyes narrowed as the tetherball begin to unravel itself from the pole. She didn’t know what made Diamond Tiara suddenly start acting like, well, herself, but as she heard Silver Spoon giggle at the Diamond's condescending remark, she knew this was probably another attempt to try to embarrass her in front of everypony.

Cheerilee, seeing there was conflict brewing between the two fillies, calmly tried to intervene. "Now girls, remember, we're doing this exercise to learn. So let’s all just calm down for a minute and think about the…"

Apple Bloom didn't even hear her teacher's words. She grabbed that ball again, and threw it up in the air before turning around to kick it with her hind legs. Diamond Tiara, still holding her head up high in celebration of her impressive display of tetherball prowess, tilted it back down just in time to get a lovely view of a yellow ball a few inches away from her face.

Luckily for her, the ball zoomed right over her head, barely grazing the top of it before wrapping around the pole once more. However, Diamond didn't feel lucky. Instead, she felt a sudden shift in mass between her ears.

Diamond’s tiara was sent flying off her head, and Apple Bloom’s smirk quickly met a similar fate. The coveted headpiece continued its flight path until it was forced to come to a sudden, complete stop by the sturdy wall of the schoolhouse from which Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon had just recently moved away. Upon making contact with the wall, the tiara broke in half and fell lifelessly into the dirt.

The entire class gasped in unison, many of them taking a few steps backwards out of fear. Silver Spoon timidly hid behind her teacher in anticipation of the expected explosion, who was looking just as uneasy about the situation. The ominous silence took hold of the moment, and the only sound that shined through was a hushed comment from Scootaloo.

"Told ya that thing wasn’t made from real diamonds."

Diamond stared at her formerly impeccable headpiece with a look of pure horror before it shortly morphed into one of unbridled rage. She slowly rotated her head toward the guilty party with two piercing daggers where her eyes should have been. "You! You…you…apple-bucking...butter churner! You did that on purpose!" she shouted loud enough to ensure that everypony heard.

Apple Bloom’s eyes lit up with fear as she took a step back from her classmate, who seemed to be on the verge of either weeping uncontrollably or foaming at the mouth.

Before the yellow filly could even offer an explanation, Diamond had already grabbed the tetherball again and sent it hurtling around the pole once more, this time even faster than before.

Apple Bloom ducked under the ball again as she tried to explain herself. "N-no! I-I didn’t mean to–"

"Do you have any idea what you just broke?" Diamond furiously shouted, shoving the ball as it came around again.

"Well, I mean…I don’t…"

Before the madness could continue any longer, a purple hoof reached out and brought the weaponized toy to a sudden halt. "I think that’s quite enough, Diamond Tiara," Cheerilee stated in a much more serious voice than before.

"But...but she…" Diamond began to plead before Cheerilee silently cut her off by raising a hoof in the air.

"Apple Bloom, is there something you wish to tell Diamond Tiara?" the teacher asked in a serious yet nurturing tone.

Apple Bloom unwillingly walked over toward her teacher and classmate with her head tilted toward the grass. She looked up at Diamond with only her eyes and said as sincerely as she could, "I’m sorry I broke your crown, Diamond Tiara."

Cheerilee smiled warmly at Apple Bloom before turning to Diamond Tiara with another serious look on her face. "And don’t you have something to say as well, young lady?"

Diamond was taken aback by what her teacher was proposing. "But…she…I didn’t even..." She tried to protest her teacher's statement, but that piercing stare prevented Diamond Tiara from creating a single successful excuse.

Eventually, Diamond Tiara reluctantly turned back toward Apple Bloom, and replied through gritted teeth, "I’m sorry for...overreacting."

Upon hearing the apology, Cheerilee reverted to her normal cheerful self and enthusiastically exclaimed, "Splendid! Now, why don't we all head back inside? I think we’ve learned enough about momentum for today, so I think we should–"

The school bell rang before Cheerilee could finish her sentence.

"Oh, well it looks like this school day has just flown by hasn’t it?" Cheerilee said with another giggle. "I suppose we’ll begin our next lesson on gravity Monday. Enjoy your weekend, everypony!" Several of the other students began to run off, and Cheerilee quickly called after them, "Make sure you all remember your homework!"

Cheerilee turned back to the five remaining fillies next to the tetherball pole. Apple Bloom was being consoled by Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, while Diamond was observing her broken crown as Silver Spoon attempted to come up with some words of comfort.

"Honestly, girls, this kind of behavior just isn’t acceptable for two growing fillies. I think you two should stay after for a little while and work this out amongst yourselves. If you need me, I’ll be right inside grading yesterday’s test papers." Cheerilee walked into the schoolhouse leaving the five completely alone.

Apple Bloom, hoping to rectify this problem before it became one, made her way over to Diamond Tiara, whose eyes were glued to to broken headpiece that lay in front of her.

Silver Spoon gave Apple Bloom a dirty look as the yellow filly approached. "Haven't you done enough already?" she asked spitefully.

To be honest, Apple Bloom figured that she had, but she also recalled her sister’s advice about making sure nopony walked away angry from an argument. With that in mind, she reached out her front hoof toward Diamond to say, "I really am sorry about this. I wasn't tryin' ta–"

Diamond smacked the yellow filly’s hoof away in anger. "Don’t…touch me!" she barked in a hostile yet hushed tone as she imposingly forced eye contact between them. "And don't try to act all innocent. I know you wanted this to happen."

"T-that's not true," Apple Bloom said. "I didn't plan to knock yer crown off."

"Then maybe you should–" Silver Spoon started before Diamond cut her off with more violent whispering.

"I don’t care what you were planning to do. Because of you, now my tiara is broken."

Sweetie Belle, not caring for the situation any more than the rest of them, decided to suggest, "But you can fix it, right? With glue or tape or something? We can help you if you want."

Hearing that idea gave Scootaloo one as well. "Yeah! We can be Cutie Mark Crusader Tiara Fix–"

"No!" Diamond shouted, stopping all of Scootaloo’s enthusiasm dead cold. She proceeded to follow her outburst by slamming her front hooves into the ground, right on top of the the remains of her tiara. Hearing a soft crunch, Diamond raised her legs and brought them back down a few more times, crushing the pieces beneath the weight of her body and breaking them into unrecognizable bits of sparkly, light blue. All four fillies were left speechless at their furious classmate’s destructive actions, none of them believing what they just saw.

Diamond continued ranting in a stifled tone with a crazed look in her eye. "Tape? Glue? Who do you blank flanks think you’re talking to? My tiara has to be perfect or it’s not fit to go on my head! As far as I’m concerned, it lost all its value the second it hit that wall."

Apple Bloom tried to reason with the enraged filly as best as she could. "But it’s not that bad is it? I mean, your daddy can just buy you another one, right?" Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle nodded in agreement to Apple Bloom’s idea.

Her anger continuing to rise, Diamond screeched, "That’s not the point!"

The Cutie Mark Crusaders jumped at Diamond Tiara’s sudden increase in volume. The angry, young pony approached them threateningly, forcing the three to start backing away from her. Silver Spoon decided to take two steps back and just observe.

"And anyway, who said my dad needs to buy me another one? You think that was the only one I own? Don't make me laugh. I'll have a new one on my head before dinnertime. That's not the problem."

"Then...what is the problem?" Sweetie Belle asked hesitantly.

Diamond managed to sound even angrier as she continued ranting, "Look at my head! Do you see a tiara on it now? I can’t be seen in public not wearing one!"

"Then why did you-" Scootaloo began before getting cut off.

"It’s part of who I am. I mean, really, it’s my look. It’s my name. It’s even my cutie mark!"

Somewhat confused by an aspect of what the filly just said, Apple Bloom had to ask, "You got a cutie mark for wearing a crown?"

Only three fillies witnessed what happened after that question was asked, and none of them could probably tell you the exact reason why it did. It’s possible that not even the two involved knew the exact reason. All that was truly known about the incident that day was that after Cheerilee, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, Silver Spoon, and a passing donkey managed to yank Diamond Tiara off Apple Bloom, it was clear that each one of them had a perfectly developed understanding of the word "momentum."

Why Don't You Know Me?

Chpt. 7 - Why Don’t You Know Me?

Sunday, March 23

Diamond Tiara hated being punished. She hated it so much.

She hated it because it usually meant having to do a bunch of boring things that she didn’t want to do. She also hated it because it also sometimes meant not getting to do a bunch of fun things she did want to do. She hated that same disparaging look the grown-ups got in their eyes right before they shouted her full name in that loud, mean-spirited tone; she hated the stiff, condescending way they looked down at her as they told her what she’d allegedly done wrong; she hated that disgusting feeling she got in her stomach as they lectured to her like she was some kind of villain; and she really hated the way they always kept insisting it was all for "her own good."

But the main reason she hated it was because it was always for something that wasn’t her fault.

Friday’s little mishap was no different. She wasn’t the one who had broken somepony’s tiara. She wasn’t the one who had criticized somepony’s tetherball skills. She wasn’t the one who had said all somepony was good at was wearing a crown!

Yet, despite all that, Miss Cheerilee somehow saw fit to punish her. So what if she got into a little scuffle with Apple Bloom? It wasn’t like anypony got seriously hurt or anything. Besides, if she had let that bow-wearing yellow nuisance get away with something like that, the consequences would be disastrous. Miss Cheerilee didn’t understand any of that, though, so naturally she overreacted.

That essay that Diamond Tiara had been given as punishment that day was just too much of an insult for her to actually write herself. She had asked Silver Spoon to do it for her as a favor since she was the only one she knew who could properly capture her voice on paper. If she had asked anypony else to do it, they’d have never gotten it right. Everything would have been just fine if her dad hadn’t come home early and Silver Spoon hadn’t cracked under pressure, but how was any of that her fault?

How did that warrant her having to spend part of her weekend stuck in class writing another stupid, boring paper about something that didn’t even apply to her? It was supposed to be 1000 words long this time, but she was having trouble just coming up with the first hundred, and Miss Cheerilee was keeping a close eye on her the whole time to make sure there was no "funny business."

"How’s this, Miss Cheerilee?" Silver Spoon asked, setting her own paper on top of her teacher's desk.

Cheerilee took the paper, laid it on her desk, and quickly read through it at her teacher-level reading speed. "Excellent, Silver Spoon," she praised before sharpening her tone a bit, "and I hope you learned your lesson about doing other ponies’ work for them."

"Yes, Miss Cheerilee," Silver Spoon grumbled. She shot an impassive glance toward her friend who was busy angrily biting her eraser as she struggled to come up with the next sentence of her own essay.

"Well, I certainly hope so," Cheerilee replied. "It’s very important that you understand the consequences that your actions can cause. The decisions we make determine the path our lives follow. Good decisions lead us down the path to good things, and bad ones lead to nothing but trouble."

"So, can I, like, go now please?" the gray filly asked impatiently.

Cheerilee felt a little disappointed that the filly seemed to disregard her words of wisdom, but she had completed the assignment as she had been instructed. Besides, Silver Spoon wasn’t the one Cheerilee was worried about at the moment.

"Of course, Silver Spoon, enjoy the rest of your weekend!" she cheerfully replied.

"Thank you, Miss Cheerilee," Silver Spoon said, giving her friend a sympathetic, encouraging grin as she proceeded out of the classroom. Diamond Tiara smiled back, watching from her desk in envy as the gray filly gleefully strolled outside, no longer being forced to write a stupid essay on violence or dishonesty.

As soon as Silver Spoon had left, Diamond Tiara dropped her smile and began whining, "Miss Cheerilee, this isn’t fair! Why does my essay have to be so much longer than Silver Spoon’s? And why wasn’t Apple Bloom even punished at all? I mean, she’s the one who started all this!"

Cheerilee directed her attention to her irritable student as her cheerful expression faded into a much graver one. The teacher had spent the better part of the morning hearing Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon give their side of the story regarding the whole fake essay situation, and she wasn’t happy with what she heard. She had hoped their reasoning would make their actions seem a bit more justified than Mr. Rich had made it out to be, but if anything it just made them seem even worse. From the sound of their story, Diamond Tiara hadn’t even considered writing that paper and asked Silver Spoon to do it almost immediately after it was assigned to her. Silver Spoon at least seemed apologetic enough about the whole ordeal, but Diamond Tiara seemed more…annoyed. There was definitely a deeper issue here than just this one little mishap, and Cheerilee needed to get to the bottom of it. She moved out from behind her desk to approach her troublemaking student and respond to her griping.

"I think Apple Bloom has gone through quite enough already. Don’t you agree, Diamond Tiara?"

Diamond Tiara sneered at her teacher’s question as she turned her head to look at the floor. "Enough? Did you forget, Miss Cheerilee? She broke my tiara!" She looked back toward her teacher for a sign of acknowledgment.

"And I’m truly sorry that happened to you, but can you honestly tell me that you believe that justifies the way you behaved?" Cheerilee asked as she arrived at the desk on the far left side of the room where her student was sitting.

"Of course it does! How could it—" Diamond Tiara stopped herself as soon as she noted the glare her teacher was giving her. Clearly, she wasn’t going to accomplish anything by arguing that point. "No," she huffed, crossing her forelegs and pouting.

"Good, then it seems we’re making some progress here after all," the teacher said, her tone calming down. "Now, as for Silver Spoon, I just thought that since she already wrote an essay yesterday, it would be fair if she had a bit less to write today. I also thought it would be fair if you made up the assignment that Silver Spoon already did for you. Do you understand, Diamond Tiara? Don’t you agree that’s fair?"

"No, I don’t, because I shouldn’t have even been punished in the first place," Diamond Tiara arrogantly replied, continuing to pout and eye the floor as if she were talking to it.

Cheerilee sighed and her expression morphed into one of sadness rather than anger. "Listen, sweetie, I don’t want to have to keep punishing you like this."

A smile appeared across Diamond Tiara’s face at the sound of her teacher’s remark as she looked back up. "Really? That’s great!" She sprang out of her desk like a frightened tree frog and excitedly skipped toward the exit. Cheerilee countered her student’s premature departure by sliding in front of her path, blocking the filly from leaving the room.

"However, if you refuse to improve your behavior, I’m afraid I’ll have no choice," she continued, her stern expression finding its second wind.

"What?! Improve…my behavior?" Diamond Tiara asked, her teacher’s words making her eye twitch in disbelief. "Miss Cheerilee, I think you’re mistaking me for one of your other students. Nopony has better behavior than I do," she proudly assured as she recollected herself.

"Sit back down, Diamond Tiara," Cheerilee firmly commanded, her glare getting more penetrating by the second.

"Yes, Miss Cheerilee," Diamond Tiara groused as she stomped back to her desk, not particularly caring for her teacher’s attitude.

"Now I want you to listen to me," Cheerilee stated. "There’s something that’s come to my attention recently that’s concerning me, and I wanted to discuss it with you."

Diamond Tiara maliciously eyed the paper on her desk. She’d rather talk about anything with her teacher than continue trying to hash out more nonsense for this worthless assignment. Her scowl transformed into a smirk, and she cordially told her teacher, "Of course, Miss Cheerilee. I’d be happy to talk about whatever it is that’s bothering you. What is it? Is Snails eating paste again? Is Scootaloo falling asleep in class? Is somepony just getting on your nerves?"

Cheerilee thought about going there, but decided against it. "Actually, this is a bit more serious than any of that."

Diamond Tiara’s smirk faded after noticing how grim her teacher looked all of a sudden and stared up at her with a blank expression of mild intrigue.

"I wanted to talk with you about…your tiara."

Monday, March 31

The supernatural elements of life don’t like me. I don’t know why. I don’t know how. They just don’t and they never have. Maybe I insulted their favorite sports team, maybe I’m on their naughty list, or maybe that Reed guy was right and I am just that boring. All I know is that if something is not of this world, it doesn’t want a thing to do with me, and that truth used to drive me up the wall, through the roof, back down the chimney, and then back up the wall again.

You see, in my younger days, before I dedicated my life to higher learning, my whole life revolved around a single dream. It was a simple single dream but not one that many other people had. That dream was to go on a supernatural adventure.

All I wanted was to have just one grand, exciting paranormal escapade like the ones you see in those documentary movies. I always imagined how much fun it would be to feel the excitement of getting abducted by aliens or being forced to live through the same day over and over again. I would have traded my power food for just one little temporal disruption. However, despite how many birthday wishes I wasted on it, I never even managed to participate in as much as an interdimensional tea party.

I remember how unfair I used to think it was. Nature pestered me like a clerk from an electronics store, but supernature wouldn’t even give me the time of day. I just couldn’t accept that. It was trying to give me the cold shoulder, and as I've said before, cold is something I cannot tolerate. I didn’t care how much it tried to ignore me. I wasn't going to let anything stop me from getting my adventure.

I was fanatical about it. I lived to discover the strange and unusual. I tried to take part in so much supernatural craziness that people thought I was from another world. Swords in rocks, living fire, floating heads, bed bugs, I saw it all. Yet, the closest thing I got to an adventure from any of it was helping to fix that dam after sleeping through the town’s only giant monster attack in five seasons. I mean, one would think that with all the opportunities I had, I would have had plenty of adventures throughout the course of my childhood. Don’t listen to one, though. One doesn’t know what he’s saying.

Once, I went to a presumably haunted house late at night to see if I could befriend a ghost and have some ghostly fun with it, but every door I entered in the place led me back outside. I searched that whole place trying to find something white and creepy to scare me, but the closest thing I found were the curtains on the third floor. Eventually the house just locked me out and wouldn’t let me back in. I wasn’t about to give up, though. I went to the graveyard around back to see if I could find something undead to play with, but then those spectral jerks called my parents to take me home!

Although, that’s nothing compared to the time I saw a news segment on television about a vicious, green monster rumored to be living in our lake. I was really excited about that one, so I took all the necessary precautions. I grabbed my crayons, drew up some scuba gear, got out my old butterfly net, and even got my parents’ permission first. I dove into the depths of that lake and looked for that monster for nearly two hours until it finally made its move. I couldn’t hold back my excitement as it grabbed me by my oxygen tank and started dragging me across the lake like I was its stuffed toy. I just knew that monster was going to take me to its cave, stick me to its wall, and I’d have the time of my life trying to escape. Imagine my disappointment when all it did was pull me back up to the surface of the lake and aggressively throw me back onto dry land. By the time I pulled my head out of the ground, all I found was a note it had written in the sand, chastising me for my reckless behavior. It had horrible penmanship, so I couldn’t make out every word, but it said something about me being too young to go messing around with dangerous lake monsters. It even confiscated my butterfly net!

To this day, I don’t get what it was saying about danger. Practically everyone’s major supernatural experiences take place when they’re ten if they’re not me. Once there was a big zombie infestation that broke out in my elementary school. Teachers and students were getting infected left and right, and they had to quarantine the whole building to keep them from spreading to the general public. The fifteen students who hadn’t been infected had to barricade themselves in their classroom for a whole week until they could scrounge together a cure. After that, they engineered some medicine cannons so they could shoot down all their teachers and classmates and turn them back to normal. Guess who had the chicken pox that week?

Really, that’s what frustrated me about the whole ordeal more than anything else. This wasn’t a problem in my family. This wasn’t a problem in my neighborhood. It was just my problem. Practically everyone I knew had at least four or five crazy stories about the times they got to challenge the limits of reality. They didn’t want it half as much as I did, and yet they all got to taste the sweet fruit cocktail of the paranormal, while I was stuck licking the toestubbing empty glass of normal life.

My sister learned to play an ancient board game from the spirit of a legendary Byzantine emperor, my parents had their second honeymoon on Mars after they fell through a rift in the space-time continuum, and even my boring first-grade math teacher had some stories about his old roommate, the Bogeyman. I bet that guy never dropped anyone’s toothbrush on the floor.

It just baffled me back then. Adventures were being handed out like candy to everyone else, but when I came along to ask for some, it was all, "Sorry, fresh out." I was like a cat trying to catch a mouse or a rabbit trying to get some cereal. It’s like there was some kind of supernatural force keeping supernatural forces away from me, and wouldn’t that just be the way? The only logical explanation for it all was that reality itself didn’t want me and anything supernatural doing anything even potentially adventurous together, and that’s exactly how it’s played out ever since.

That’s how I saw it. That was what I knew to be true. That’s what I’ve been telling myself for the past however long it’s been now just so I could move on with my life and make something of myself.

So then, Reality, as a man of science and rational thought, I’ve got a semi-reasonable question for you about this odd-looking, faceless heap of shimmering, aqueous goo you decided to dangle in front of me this morning like some kind of tantalizing dreamscape.

What in the name of my glittery hands am I looking at here?

Sunday, March 23

Diamond Tiara had no idea where that statement came from, but something about it sent an ominous chill up her spine. "Wh-what about my tiara, Miss Cheerilee?" she asked after letting it sink in for a few seconds.

"Well, for starters, I had a little chat with Apple Bloom yesterday about what happened on Friday, and she told me you didn’t seem to care much about your tiara being broken."

Diamond Tiara was taken aback by those words. "What…what are you talking about, Miss Cheerilee? Of course I cared! I’ve had that tiara ever since I got my cutie mark! I could buy all of Ponyville with its sentimental value alone!"

"I see…and is that why you threw it on the ground and stomped it to pieces?"

Diamond Tiara tensed up a bit. She hadn’t counted on her teacher finding out about that little fact. She nervously played with her pencil as she tried to explain.

"Um…well, I…I was just—"

"And I’ve noticed that you were so upset about your broken tiara that you already went out and got yourself a new one."

Cheerilee’s observation was correct. Resting on Diamond Tiara’s head was a replacement tiara, practically identical to her old one. The frame was a bit pointier, but the color scheme and general shape still matched her cutie mark as flawlessly as ever.

"Oh, this old thing?" Diamond Tiara asked innocently. "This was just a spare I had lying in the back of my closet. I didn’t want it just sitting there and gathering dust. Is that so wrong?"

"Well, no," Cheerilee replied, stopping her student’s pencil with her hoof, "but, you see, this is exactly the sort of thing I wanted to discuss with you. When I talked with Apple Bloom yesterday, she didn’t tell me you were upset that your tiara was broken. What she said was that you were upset because you weren’t wearing one."

Diamond Tiara perked up after her teacher finished her sentence. That was it! That was the perfect statement she needed to break out of this prison sentence! The path to victory had just been served to her on a silver platter, perfectly prepared for her to scarf down.

Without a moment of hesitation, she put on the saddest face she could manage and got right to work on her dramatic performance.

"They’re right, Miss Cheerilee! I just felt so lost without my tiara. It was like a part of me was just knocked off my head and smashed into a wall. Even worse, nopony else even seemed to care. I tried to be reasonable about it, but all they did was insult me! They said that crown was all I was! I guess I let my emotions get the best of me. You understand, don’t you Miss Cheerilee?" She looked up at her teacher with the most adorable eyes she could manifest.

Cheerilee could tell her student was trying to do exactly what Filthy Rich had warned her about, although even knowing that didn’t make it any easier to resist that look. Diamond Tiara’s expression made her look almost too sweet to be guilty of anything ever. If the schoolteacher hadn’t recalled what she was trying to figure out, she might have broken down, apologized, and let the filly go right there. She just had to remember that this was all for Diamond Tiara’s own good.

"Diamond Tiara, why is your tiara so important to you?" the teacher asked in a compassionate tone, trying her best to stay focused.

Diamond Tiara had to deactivate her adorableness after her teacher’s baffling question. "Um, excuse me? Isn’t that kind of obvious?"

"Well, you said it was like a part of you, right? Why is that exactly? Is it because of your name?"

"N-no! Well, yes, but that’s not the only reason!" Diamond Tiara couldn’t believe she had to explain something so basic.

"My tiara is my pride and joy! It’s the key to my whole image. It’s what lets everypony know how impressed they need to be when they’re in my presence. Without it, how are all the common ponies out there supposed to know that I’m…that I’m…" She struggled to come up with the proper phrase to finish her thought.

"Better than all of them?" Cheerilee finished for her.

"Exactly! I’m so glad we’re on the same page!" Diamond Tiara exclaimed with the most enthusiasm she’d shown since her attempted escape.

"Right…" Cheerilee turned away from her beaming student and walked back to her desk to grab a piece of paper resting on it. She came back and placed it on top of Diamond Tiara’s desk.

Diamond Tiara immediately recognized the amazing piece of artwork she had created about a week ago the second her teacher set it down. She had known it was only a matter of time before she received proper recognition for her incredible artistic talents. However, her teacher’s next sentence wasn’t as glorifying as she anticipated.

"Diamond Tiara, can you explain this to me?"

Once again, the teacher’s question baffled Diamond Tiara. She was certain she had done the assignment correctly. At the very least, she had done a better job than anyone else in class.

She leaned forward and looked it over again to make sure there wasn’t anything obvious about it that could have upset Miss Cheerilee. Nothing was really standing out. It looked absolutely perfect. How could it not? It was a picture of her.

"This is my self-portrait, Miss Cheerilee. Remember? You had us draw how we saw ourselves during that big rainstorm last week. Isn’t it just the most perfectly crafted work of art you’ve ever seen in your entire teaching career?" She held the picture up so her teacher could take another look at it.

"Well, I’ve certainly never seen anything quite like it before. I was just wondering why you decided to go in this…interesting direction with it," Cheerilee stated as she lowered the drawing back onto the desk.

"You flatter me, Miss Cheerilee. I just thought that since everypony else was getting carried away drawing their own little fantasy worlds, I’d show a little initiative and draw how things really are since, you know, you always told us honesty is the best policy."

"How things really are?"

"I just find it sad the other students can’t admit it to themselves, but at least we both know the truth, right, Miss Cheerilee?" She took another captivated look at her artwork.

"We do?" Cheerilee's right eyebrow rose to the top of her forehead.

"Of course. You said it best yourself. I’m better than all those poor other foals, and as their superior I just wish they'd stop deluding themselves into thinking they could possibly be more special than I am. Can you imagine how disappointed they'll end up in a few years if they go through life thinking like that?"

"Yes, that would be quite the travesty," Cheerilee dully replied.

Not picking up on her teacher’s implied sarcasm, the pink filly proudly raised her head and carried on with her head-engorging monologue.

"I’ll be honest, Miss Cheerilee. It can be pretty stressful being the best at everything, but I’m just the type of generous pony who’s willing to accept the responsibility of making sure that everypony else knows exactly why I’m the best whenever I can."

"I see…and how does that relate to your tiara again?"

Diamond Tiara adjusted her shiny headpiece on her head before replying, "It’s very simple, Miss Cheerilee. My tiara is my symbol. From my head to my flank, it reminds everypony how special I really am. Even though some ponies don’t respect it"—she paused to glare angrily at the ground again as she recalled the tetherball incident, resuming her prideful grin before continuing—"I always wear it so that nopony ever forgets that I’m the most amazing, spectacular pony in all of Ponyville."

"I think I understand now, Diamond Tiara."

"I’m glad I could help, Miss Cheerilee. So, can I go now? I promised Silver Spoon I’d meet up with her later to..."

It was all so sudden. Diamond did not even have a chance to react to it. At first she thought it was a mistake, a joke, a slip of the hoof. Why wouldn’t it be? Everything was going great. However, as the seconds passed without anything being done to rectify what had been done, Diamond suddenly feared that this punishment had become very serious.

"M-miss Cheerilee, w-why did you just take my tiara?" she asked nervously as her teacher walked away, with the sparkly headpiece clamped between her teeth.

The teacher dropped it onto her desk to explain, "I’m sorry, Diamond Tiara. I’ve tried to hear things from your side, and, frankly, what I’ve heard concerns me even more your little essay trick. You leave me no choice. Until you can show me that you can appreciate ponies other than yourself, you will not be allowed to wear a tiara in my classroom."

"Y-you can’t be serious! Have you seen the other ponies in this town? They’re about as special as a pile of wood chippings!"

"And it’s that kind of attitude that’s exactly why I have to do this. You need to understand that there’s more to life than behaving as if you’re better than everypony else all the time."

"But Miss Cheerilee, I am better than everypony else! I thought we had established that already. I’ve got the best social skills, I have the most talent, I’m smarter than anypony I know, and don’t even get me started about how much prettier I am."

"That’s quite enough, young lady. It’s one thing to have special gifts, but that in no way entitles you to say that you’re better than other ponies because of them."

"But, but…this isn’t fair! I just lost my tiara!" Diamond argued. "You can’t take it away from me again!"

"I’m know what this must seem like, but I can and I must," Cheerilee stoically replied.

"But that was my birthday gift from my dad! He’s not going to like this!"

"Actually, this was your dad’s idea."

"What?" Diamond slammed her hooves onto her desk, leaning up on her desk in utter shock.

"He told me that the only way to make you truly learn your lesson was to take away what makes you think so highly of yourself. I thought it sounded a bit harsh when he brought it up, but now I see he was absolutely right."

"But…but…but…" Diamond could see all her doors closing. There was only one thing left to try.

"Miss Cheerilee, wait!" she shouted, practically standing on her desk. "I…I was just joking!"

"Joking?" Cheerilee gave her student a very skeptical look.

Diamond sat down again. "Yeah, you know, it was all just a joke. 'Special as a bunch of wood chippings'. Ha ha. Pretty funny, huh?" Diamond laughed nervously and drew up her best smile, trying to make her claim seem believable.

"So, you don’t think you’re better than anypony?"

"Of…course…not," Diamond forced out of her mouth against all odds.

"All right then," Cheerilee replied, leaning forward until her face was a few inches away from her student’s. "Look me in the eyes, and tell me that Snails is just as special as you are."

Diamond’s eyes got as wide as they could possibly get. Despite how close her teacher’s eyes were, she found it hard to look into them as she stuttered, "S-Snails…Snails is…j-j-j--oh, come on, that’s not fair, Miss Cheerilee! He eats paste!"

Cheerilee pulled away from her student, shaking her head in disappointment. "I think you better make that essay 1200 words, Diamond Tiara. It seems to me you still have a bit to learn about trying to lie your way out of trouble."

Diamond tried to protest, but the only sounds she could get to come out of her mouth couldn’t even be interpreted as words anymore. She was completely out of ideas.

Cheerilee turned away and walked back to her desk, leaving what was left of her student to face the rest of her punishment.

Diamond couldn’t even tell what emotion she was feeling at the moment. She knew it wasn’t happiness, but aside from that she was clueless. She felt partly upset that she had lost the only two tiaras she owned in the span of one weekend. She felt partly frustrated that one of them was just lying on her teacher’s desk, mocking her while she was forced to write a stupid essay about something she didn’t even care about. She felt partly betrayed that her own dad wanted to deprive his daughter of her most prized possession--that he had bought her, no less. She felt partly confused as to what exactly she had done to deserve all this punishment. She even felt a little scared that she’d never get to wear another tiara for the rest of her life, considering what she'd have to do to get it back.

All these emotions swirled around in her head, leaving the filly uncertain of which one to express. However, there was one thought in her mind that she absolutely knew to be true. She hated being punished. She hated it so much.

Monday, March 31

I have no idea what emotion I should be feeling right now. Really, your guess is as good as mine. On the one hand, I’ve lost all my interest in my dream of becoming a psychologist, so I could be distressed. On the other hand, there’s a large mass of yuck hovering in midair in front of me that I’m 93% certain has some kind of supernatural origin, so I could be excited. Of course, regardless of which hand I'm looking at, both of them are glowing, so I think I mostly just feel confused.

I don’t have a clue about what this stuff is. I’ve seen so many different forms of supernatural activity, but expressionless, floating sludge is not one of them. Maybe it’s a psychic collection of energy that can bestow great power on those who know its activation code. Maybe it’s a shapeshifting being that tried to take the form of itself and got stuck in an infinite loop. Maybe it’s a glob of transparent pudding that somehow learned how to fly. In any case, does it really even matter? As long as it’s supernatural, I'm sure it'll turn out just like all the others: a disappointment.

Yet, something seems wrong here. If this goopy mess is supernatural, why is it here? Nothing supernatural ever happens on campus, and I've only even seen anything supernatural by actively searching for it. This one came to me. There’s no way I can walk away from this without knowing what it is. I just need to approach it scientifically. I bet if I just touched it, I’d be able to deduce all there is to know about it, probably because I’ll be either turning it on or waking it up in the process.

Okay, that’s the thirteenth time I’ve come to that conclusion. Why won’t my arm move? Am I really that afraid that it’s just going to be another weird-looking waste of my time?

No, that’s not it. Even if it just disappears after I touch it, I have to at least try. I’d split into two of me and pulverize myself if I found out I missed my one and only opportunity to realize my age-old dream of fantastical adventurement. There’s something else that’s keeping my arm still, and I’m afraid I might know what it is. It's not that I'm worried it'll disappoint me. I'm worried that it won't.

Don’t get me wrong. I still want my adventure. Honestly, I do. Call me childish, but I refuse to let go of my dreams of riding through space on a surfboard or fighting an unstoppable sea behemoth with my bare hands. Those dreams probably fell into obscurity along with my childhood addiction to lollipops around the same time I became interested in psychology, but they've always been right there in the back of my cerebrum, waiting for some miracle to bring them to life. It’s not that I don’t want it anymore. It’s just that…how do I put this?

See, if I were still a child and saw this gelatinous anomaly in front of me, I’d be bouncing off the walls of the convenience store and kissing random passersby in a state of blind ecstasy. I’d stick both my hands right through this goop, take a bite out of it, stick some of it in a jar for later, name it, get its autograph, take a picture of myself with it, and then probably ask it to marry me.

Only...I’m not ten anymore. I’m a college student. I’ve got a work schedule that could rival Santa’s. As of this morning, I’ve got a spiky-haired, narcissistic tennischess captain counting on me to recruit some new members for our club. Most importantly, I’ve got my entire career trying to change directions on me, and I need to figure out how to handle that as well. I have no idea what sort of supernatural entity this is, and if I touch it, it could potentially send me somewhere that could take decades for me to get back. Sure, it would be the most amazing experience that life could ever sneeze at me, but afterwards I’d have to catch up on all the work I missed. After that much lost time, I’d be writing term papers during my funeral.

I’m not a child anymore. I can’t afford to take a risk like this. I have to be responsible and consider the consequences. Oddly enough, that lake monster's lecture fits perfectly into this situation. This kind of reckless behavior isn't right for someone my age. It pains me to say it, but…I’m too old for my dream now. I just don’t have the time to pursue it anymore.

I don’t realize how depressed that thought makes me until a rain cloud appears over my head and the rain plummets onto my scalp. Funny, I don’t remember any rain clouds showing up when my psychology-related dreams were crushed a few hours ago. I guess that goes to show which dream wears the crown in my dream kingdom.

At least I don’t feel angry. Thunderclouds are much more of a hassle to deal with than rainclouds.

I just can’t believe it. My one big chance that I’ve wanted all my life…right in front of me. It’s literally right at my fingertips. It’s just floating there, taunting me with its unusuality and strangeness, and my responsibilities are holding me back. Like some twisted game it’s playing with me, supernature finally gives me my break from normal life, and now, thanks to my normal life, I can’t accept it.

Why, Supernature? Why do you detest me so much?

I still can’t walk away. My feet and hands seem to be arguing whether to stay or to leave, so they’ve unanimously decided to remain completely still until they recount the votes. Whatever part of my brain is telling me how irresponsible it would be to touch that goop is being countered by another part telling me how stupid it would be to let another opportunity for adventure slip through my fingers.

All I can do is stand there in the freezing rain, in springtime, mind you, and scavenge my brain for an answer as the storms both inside my head and outside it disheartens the BGM.

"There you are! Glad I caught you!" a voice calls out from behind me as the BGM takes off like a Saturday night dance number.

I refuse to even take my eyes off the goo just in case it decides to suddenly vanish on me. "Reed?" I call out, recognizing his voice from before.

"How’s it going?" he asks, his footsteps approaching me from behind. "I’m glad you’re still here. I wanted to ask you something." His squarish head comes into view as he walks right past me and my gooey associatewithout so much as reacting to it. He turns around and stands so that the goo is right between us, glancing right through it as if there’s nothing there.

Can he not see it? Is this something only I can see? Don’t do this to me, Supernature. I can't handle a scenario that perfect!

Fortunately, the goo’s just barely transparent enough that I can still see Reed through it without taking my eyes off it. In his hands are a small stack of books that’s just short enough for him to see over. He sets them down on the sidewalk and pulls one over his head to use it as makeshift cover from all the rain coming down around us. After that, he looks straight at my insincerely smiling face with his giant pupils and curiously asks me, "What’s love?"

A question mark pops out of my head as his question registers. I don’t know what closet he pulled that monster out of, but I’m not really in the mood to deal with random tangents right now. I decide to drum up a quick, simple answer, so I put all my brain power into recalling what I’d written for that one psychology paper last semester and try to parrot it back.

"Science is still in the process of pinpointing all the related elements, but we have determined that certain chemicals in the brain such as dopamine and norepinephrine assist in stimulating the initial signs of the emotion. Back in the early—"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" he shouts, stopping my explanation. "I already know all that. I meant in tennischess. I’ve been looking through all these books about how to play, and I keep seeing the term everywhere, but all of them seem to assume I already know what it means."

"Oh," I reply, a bit embarrassed at my misunderstanding, though still more focused on the goo. "Love is just a person’s score when he hasn’t captured any of his opponent’s pieces yet. It means you have zero points."

He looks down at the top book on the stack, opens it to the first page and tells it, "Now was that so hard?" He shakes his head and walks around his stack of books to grab my shoulder, "Thanks again, man. Just you wait. By next week, I’m gonna be the best tennischess player your club has ever seen. I’ll do you proud."

"Great," I exclaim, pretending to be excited for him as I remain focused on something that’s holding more of my interest.

"What are you looking at?" he asks, looking directly at the center of the goo, again with no reaction.

He can’t see it. I can, but he can’t. Sure, I can’t really say how good his vision is with those giant glasses of his, but still…

"I’m looking at…the floating goo," I say, not being able to come up a more believable response as to why I’d be so fervently staring at nothing.

"The floating goo? What are you talking about? I don’t see any…oh, I gotcha. You’re having an encounter, aren’t you?"

He automatically interprets my blank silence as "yes", and goes on to say, "Oh, man. Those things are the best. I remember all the good times I had with my encounters going back in time and slaying vampire cyborgs. Those definitely have to be the most memorable and amazing experiences of my whole life. No question."

Calm down, hands. You are not allowed to slap his face off. No, not even a little.

"Although, aren’t you a bit old for that kind of thing? I mean, it’s great when you’re a kid, but don’t you think you should be a bit more concerned about your future? Encounters can change lives, you know. I don’t want to see my new best friend throwing his life away for some floating goo."

How are we best friends? You don’t even know my real name.

A bolt of lightning comes down from above, barely missing us both, and Reed looks up to see the huge cloud overhead that’s growing by the second. "It is really coming down hard right now, isn’t it?"

He looks back and forth between the cloud and me a couple of times. "Wait a second. Is that thundercloud yours?"

I erroneously nod, prompting him to ask me, "What’s the problem, pal? Don’t tell me you lost your bejeepers, because I can’t draw half as well as you can."

Actually, you're the problem. Go away.

"It’s nothing," I assure, my smile remaining constant despite how fake it must look given all the rain. "I just…need some time alone…to think."

"O-okay," he replies hesitantly. "Take all the time you need. I'm gonna get back to work on memorizing these books. Now that I know what love is, I’ll have it all down by the end of the day." He picks up his huge stack of books, shoves them into his hammerspace, and transitions away, leaving me alone again for some more thinking in the rain.

Love.

I think that word sums up my relationship with the supernatural perfectly. All I want is to spend some quality time with it, and it’s driven me crazy my whole life by ignoring me. That sounds like love to me, although in the other sense of the word, it’s probably even more relevant. If my experiences with the supernatural were a game of tennischess, then despite all my efforts, my score’s still zero. I haven't captured a single piece. This goop is one of those pieces, and whether it’s out of pity or stupidity, supernature moved one of their pieces into a position where I can capture it. As a hardworking college student, I should just walk away. However, as an avid tennischess player, I refuse to let supernature walk away with a perfect victory!

I don't know what comes over me. All I know is that my stream of thoughts completely snaps me right out of my paralysis. At that moment, the cloud above me fades away as my mind basically shuts off to completely focus on the goo. I suddenly regain control of my whole body as I forcibly shove my glowing hand directly into that goop with a muddled splash. As expected, my hand making contact with the substance starts a reaction. The form of that reaction, though, is not what I expected. The goo starts swirling around my hand like one of those cotton candy machines, and then...

Then it starts eating me.

First it devours my hand, works its way up my arm, encompasses my torso, and starts expanding up towards my neck and down toward my legs. It doesn’t actually hurt, and I believe my fear got turned off with the rest of my brain, but I’m sure I look ridiculous seeing as how no one else can see the goo. As the goop consumes every part of me and prepares to swallow the last bit of my head, only one thought manages to sneak back into it.

This was a good idea, right?

You Couldn't Be More Wrong

Chpt. 16 - You Couldn’t Be More Wrong

Monday, March 31

“Fluttershy!" Rainbow shouted, lightly pounding on the wooden cottage door. "You in there? I got something I need to ask you!”

The door promptly opened to reveal its homeowner wearing a white rabbit on her head. “Mmm! Hmm, Rmmbm Dmh!” Fluttershy said with a smile.

“Uh, hey yourself, Fluttershy," Rainbow said, raising an eyebrow. "What’s up with the chisel?”

“Mmh!” Fluttershy spat the tool into her hoof and dropped it to the floor. “It's just for a little project I'm working on." She looked up at her pet. "I wanted to apologize to Angel for missing story time last night and leaving him here alone all day. That's why I'm making him an ice sculpture to make up for it. He's always wanted one.” She smiled as her pet nodded in agreement before she looked back at the enormous cube of ice that took up a large portion of her living room. “You might not see me for a few days.”

“Okay,” Rainbow replied, uncertainly staring at the ice. “So, uh, you were out all day, huh? See anything unusual while you were gone?”

Fluttershy looked at her friend curiously. “Unusual? What do you—” She paused as she caught something off about her friend. "Rainbow Dash, what happened to your necklace?

Rainbow recoiled, looking down at her bare neck herself. "Uh, yeah, about that..."

"Rainbow Dash!" Scootaloo called, racing up the path and pulling to a stop at Fluttershy's doorstep. "What did I miss? Did you tell her about the six-foot killer monster rampaging through town yet?

Fluttershy snagged Angel off her head and hugged him close. “Rampaging? Here in Ponyville?"

"I guess not," Scootaloo said timidly, receiving a deeply annoyed look from Rainbow.

"Maybe you should let me do the talking," Rainbow suggested, sliding her out of the doorway.

"Rainbow, what's going on?" Fluttershy asked as Angel slipped out of her hooves. "Did something happen?”

“I hate to say it, Fluttershy,” Rainbow said, “but I think our cover’s been blown.”

“You mean...that thing that's coming...” Fluttershy tried to hide behind her door as Angel climbed back onto her head. “Is that why your necklace is gone, Rainbow Dash?”

Rainbow froze. “Uh, well, yeah, but only because I let my guard down. It knew it couldn’t beat me in a fair fight, so it snagged my necklace and ran off.”

“Really?" Fluttershy pulled away from the door in wonder as Angel waved the chisel in her face. "And it was so fast that even you couldn’t catch it?”

Rainbow froze again. “Uh, no, are you kidding? I just...I was sleeping! Yeah, it took my necklace while I was taking a nap, and by the time I woke up it was long gone.”

“It’s okay, Fluttershy,” Scootaloo said, sliding in front of Rainbow, “once we find that monster, Rainbow Dash can totally take it down and get the necklace back.”

“Rainbow, why does Scootaloo know about this?” Fluttershy asked, placing her hoof on the filly's head.

“That’s not important right now,” Rainbow said. “We've gotta stop this thing before it gets to the others. We need to know if you’ve seen it.”

Fluttershy grabbed her rabbit off her head, causing him to drop the chisel. “Angel, why don't you wait inside?" She set him inside the house and closed the bottom half of the door. "Go turn on all the fans to keep the ice cold."

Angel crossed his forelegs, giving her a cynical glare. She smiled as she slowly closed the top half of the door. "I'll be right back. I promise." She shut the door and turned her attention back to her guests. "Sorry about that. Angel's no good at keeping secrets."

"I know the type," Rainbow said, leering at an inattentive Scootaloo.

"So, can you help us, Fluttershy?" Scootaloo asked, smiling like she was next in line for a ferris wheel. "We don't have a picture or anything, but I remember what it looks like."

"You saw it?" Fluttershy asked, sounding worried again. "It didn't hurt you or anything, did it?"

"I jumped out of the way just in time," Scootaloo said almost proudly. "I was surprised it could move that fast with all that clothing it was wearing."

"Clothing?" Fluttershy cocked an eyebrow.

“The monster wears clothes?” Rainbow asked, stifling a chuckle. “You never mentioned that.”

“Oh yeah, it was practically covered in clothes. I told you about the cowboy hat, remember? Sweetie Belle said she thought it was Applejack’s.”

Fluttershy's worried expression melted away, a relaxed smile arising to take its place. “Oh, Scootaloo, that was just—"

As if stealing Fluttershy's concern, Rainbow's leapt up in a sudden state of urgency. “It got to Applejack too? This is bad. At this rate it’ll have all six by sundown.”

Fluttershy frowned. "Rainbow, I think there's been a—"

“Are you sure you haven’t seen this thing, Fluttershy?” Rainbow asked, aggressively flying right up next to her.

“Actually, I have seen him," Fluttershy replied, her words slightly muffled by her friend's hoof on her cheek. "At the Carousel Boutique. Rarity was just about to—”

“So, he's after Rarity next, huh?" Rainbow slammed her hooves together. "Well, not if I have anything to say about it.” Rainbow zoomed away without another word, her departure sending Scootaloo spinning in circles.

“Wait for me, Rainbow Dash!” Scootaloo called out as she fumbled around for her scooter and helmet. “I have something to say about it too!” Strapping her helmet on, she raced down the path after Rainbow’s colorful trail

“Rainbow Dash, Scootaloo, wait! What do you have to say about it?” Fluttershy flew after them, paying no mind to the disheartened angel at her doorstep throwing his chisel down in frustration.

Scootaloo had very little ability to keep up with Rainbow Dash when the mare was travelling at full speed. After her colorful trail dissolved into the sky, Scootaloo had to stop to reorient herself, still a bit dizzy from the spinning. She made a hard right down a nearby alleyway so she could reach Rarity's boutique before she missed all the action.

After clearing through the alleyway and narrowly evading the barbershop's new sign, she rotated to face toward the boutique and dashed forward, not stopping until she crashed right into a small, purple dragon that was too busy looking up at the sky to notice her.

“Spike, watch where you’re going!” the orange filly shouted as she clambered to set her scooter back up.

“Give me a break, will ya?” Spike replied, rubbing his head. “I’m trying to save Equestria here.”

“No, I’m trying to save Equestria here," Scootaloo said, making sure her wheels still rolled smoothly. "I’ve gotta get to Rarity’s boutique so Rainbow Dash and I can get her necklace back.”

“Rarity’s boutique is that way!” Spike pointed down the alleyway Scootaloo had just taken. “Besides, I saw the owl flying towards town hall."

“Owl?” Scootaloo asked, taking a leg off her scooter. “What owl?”

Spike walked forward as he scanned the sky. “That obnoxious owl that stole Rainbow's necklace. I've been chasing it all over—" He stiffened and turned back to the filly. "Wait a second. How do you know about Rainbow's necklace?"

Scootaloo smiled brightly. "Rainbow Dash told me. She needed my help to find it before the monster gets his slimy claws on it."

Spike groaned, slapping his forehead. "You've gotta be kidding me. Twilight's gonna freak when she finds out about this."

"Don't worry, Spike. We'll get that necklace back way before Twilight finds out."

"Yeah, because you know how to keep a secret," Spike grumbled to himself.

"Now tell me about this owl. Does it look like a monkey?"

Spike gave her a dry look."No, it looks like an owl. I've been chasing it all over Ponyville, but I keep losing sight of it. It could be anywhere by now." He dropped to the ground in frustration, a white owl perching onto his head shortly after.

“Is that it?” Scootaloo asked, pointing to the bird.

Spike looked up to see the bird on his head, the shiny necklace gripped tightly in its beak. He reached up to grab it, but it swiftly flew off before he could wrap his claws around it. It circled above the two of them as Spike angrily stood back up to growl.

“That looks like the owl that Fluttershy lost,” Scootaloo said, turning to Spike. “You can see Rainbow's necklace? I thought Twilight made it invisible."

"Come back down here, you dumb owl!" Spike shouted. "What do you even want with that thing?"

"Miss Cheerilee says that birds are attracted to shiny things." Scootaloo did a double take. "Wait, the bird can see it too? What gives?"

"I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out why Rainbow told you about her necklace."

"Hang on, I've got an idea." Scootaloo picked a pebble off the ground and tossed it up, hoping to dislodge the necklace from the bird's grasp. However, the owl dodged to the side and immediately flew off, disappearing behind the roof of the barbershop.

"Any more ideas?" Spike asked. Hearing no response, he stepped forward to continue the chase only to be suddenly pulled backwards and find himself on the filly's scooter.

"Yeah, hold on tight." Scootaloo buzzed her wings in anticipation. "We’ve got an owl to catch.”

Long ago, the world was at peace. Life passed by like the pages in a storybook that contained more bright colors than words. The sun greeted every morning like its newborn child, the wind maintained an unbending anti-tornado policy, and awkward family reunions were but a bad dream. Everyone thrived inside their bubble of perfect harmony, and there was never any need for conflict.

Then, one day, something truly special happened. A sparkling, purple carrot the size of an apartment complex fell from the heavens and crashed into the friendly soil of a small urban city, consuming the world in a shiny, seemingly purposeless glaze. Though the event caused great panic at first, a few brave souls soon stepped forward to taste of the vegetable's alluring violet hue. After only a single bite, each of them were infused with unbelievable powers that changed them forever. Some grew a pointed growth on their forehead, allowing them to perform mind-blowing feats of raw physical magic such as holding things without touching them and entertaining small children for long periods of time. Others were graced with strong, durable wings that granted them the gift of flight and allowed them to rise as high as they wished without a single nosebleed. Then there was one carrot chewer who was fortunate enough to receive both the growth and the wings, and by the persuasive will of fate, she was given rightful dominion over all others.

Word spread of the carrot's miraculous power and savory aftertaste, and members from all nations worldwide travelled to the small city, hoping to sample a piece for themselves. Unfortunately, the first-come first-serve rule struck a heavy blow against the peaceful planet, and soon enough, the carrot was gone before all could benefit from its glory. The years passed, and the carrot was soon forgotten, but the powers it had bestowed soon began to yield unwanted fruit. Those that had been blessed by the carrot's magnificence came to think themselves superior to the those who weren't. As their avarice and arrogance grew, the eternal state of harmony wore thin until finally a war broke out between the carrot tasters and the rest of the world.

The war lasted a matter of days, as neither physical strength nor even supernatural talent was a match for the power of raw prestidigitation. Their victory assured, the esteemed ruler of the magical side stepped forward to propose a deal to the losing party. Magic would rule over the land, and all would live together in peace and harmony as it was in the time before the carrot. The magicless side had no choice but to accept.

Now, centuries later, harmony once again reigns supreme, though the carrot's corruption has rendered it merely a fragment of what it once was. The sun still cannot bear to look at what its formerly utopian world has become, and the feeling of superiority that the magic wielders feel has advanced from a simple notion to an established fact. However, though magic appears to be the victor, conflict looms in the shadows of the illusory paradise, waiting for the day when those without magic will rise up once again to defeat their sorcerous oppressors.

What do you think of the backstory I came up with? I’ve been working on it since I ran by the school. The carrot part was easy to figure out, but the truce idea took me awhile before it finally clicked.

After leaving her workhouse, Eversmile and I went to three candy stores, a donut shop, an ice cream parlor, a fudge stand, and a house made out of candy before leaving town altogether. She claimed we needed to find the “perfect picnic spot”.

I counted a total of forty-seven horses during our sugar rush, and thanks to the hat and sunglasses combo I was wearing, I was able to observe them much more closely. Having them run in terror from me was flattering and all, but I did have work to do.

I noted that all of them could be divided into three groups. The first group wore the cones that sneezed magic on their heads. The second group had the dinky little wings that couldn't lift a salt shaker off the ground without magic being involved somehow. Then, there was the group whose ancestors never tasted the ancient carrot and were nothing more than talking horses with supernatural powers. The Horns, the Wings, and the Blanks: the three groups that made up the world's population, not counting normal cats.

One look at their princess was all it took to see that the Wings and the Horns ruled over the land, and while some of the Blanks like Twilight and Applehat seemed content in their submission to the crown, I could sense the concealed rage that stewed in the hearts of those who didn't.

The only part that was still confusing me were the symbols. At first, I thought they were those cryptic body drawings that magic was infatuated with wearing, maybe some kind of mark that asserted its rule over all of them. Then, I came to the realization that, even for magic, they were too weird.

None of the markings made any sense to me. A treble clef? A pinwheel? An hourglass? Fruit? Garage sales had more theming than these symbols. The only conclusion I could make was that they had something to do with their supernatural powers. It was unquestionable that there were some non-magic tricks hiding amidst the abra cadabra, and whether they were turning balloons into cakes, being made of ice cream, or having a voice that doubled as a tranquilizer, I wanted to see all of them firsthand.

Snickerdoodle here had three diamonds for her symbol. I was trying to think what sort of power she could have that was related to a diamond, but I couldn’t come up with anything that I could readily test without breaking out my mallet and whacking her over the head. Instead, I decided to use her symbol to assign her the name Diamondback. True, the one with balloons for a symbol was named Twilight, but the Name Master had spoken, and I hadn't been wrong yet.

Diamondback sniffed the air, contently exhaling as we arrived at an expansive, craggy plain outfitted with a number of jagged, sizable boulders that created the perfect stage for Mork-to-mook combat. It was the first time she'd opened her mouth since we'd left her boutique that didn't involve more of her excessive flattery or a sugary, little offering from her picnic basket. I knew it wouldn't last.

“Well, isn’t this a nice, quiet location that we’ve stumbled upon," she asked with suspiciously sweet enunciation. "Don’t you think it just makes the perfect picnic spot?”

As a simple-minded animal with no understanding of deception, I agree. Surely only a picnic and nothing else could take place in such a large, open space.

Diamondback put her picnic basket down and opened it up to sort through its contents as I removed my hat and sunglasses in anticipation. “So, let me just set up our picnic blanket, and we’ll get to enjoying the scenery.”

Yes, I’m sure we’ll enjoy the barren emptiness of this plain right after you break out the giant land squids. Now, come on. Make the sky go dark already.

“Oh dear!” she exclaimed as my false smile turned real. “Mork, you’re never going to believe this! I accidentally packed a pickaxe and shovel in place of our picnic blanket.” She levitated the tools out of the basket to show me. “How could I have made such a foolish mistake? Oh, this is just awful. How are we supposed to have a decent picnic without a soft blanket to sit on? I suppose we’ll just have to go back home to eat.”

Can I get a nastier witch? I think this one’s broken.

As if she heard my thoughts, Diamondback’s horn lit up, surprising me with its brighter intensity. She jerked to the right, her head falling low to the ground as she dragged herself along like a magnet on a robot's back. She came to a stop at a specific patch of dirt that resembled the thousands of others around it, and her horn pointed down toward it like a neon arrow.

“Oh, would you look at this?” she said with false surprise. “There are some priceless gems buried in this very spot that we've so perfectly arrived at.”

Her power is being a gem-based metal detector? She must be one of those crystal witches. That's not fair. Those specialize in summoning underlings!

“It would be a shame to just leave them here," she said, keeping her head near the ground. "I can practically hear them begging to see sunlight." Her horn's light faded as she pulled her head up, brushing the stray pebbles out of her mane. "Why don’t we dig them up? You wouldn’t mind helping, would you, Mork? I mean, we did come all this way.”

Oh, this witch is even more diabolical than I thought. She didn’t bring me out here to attempt to destroy me. She brought me out here for one of those menial, repetitive side quests that Rook always complained to me about. And mine involves digging. Oh, joy.

A shovel was levitated in front of my face, slowly spinning around in a circle as if she were trying to hypnotize me with it. I grabbed it out of the air before she decided to start poking me with it and crawled over to her point of interest.

My approach was met with a sweetly sickening dosage of motherese. “I knew you’d help me, Morky-Worky. You’re just the most helpful...Mork there is. Yes, you are.”

Sure, it’s fine when Fluttershy does it, but when a witch talks to you like that, it just feels degrading.

I wanted to refuse her request. I figured if I did, it would make her mad, and then her rabid chess pieces would assemble. Unfortunately for me, I was still me.

“Mork mork,” I replied submissively, sticking the shovel into the spot as she instructed.

I’m under her spell. She put an obedience curse on me. She's controlling me with one of her voodoo dolls. Surely there's another reason why I'm taking orders from a witch.

I wasn’t able to get the proper leverage to use the shovel properly on all fours, so I left it in the dirt as I dug with my bare gloved hands like the animal she thought I was.

There is something wrong with me.

“You’re right, Mork. What was I thinking?” she asked, patting me on the head. “I'm sure someone with your talents has no need for a shovel.”

What talents would those be? Because they’re certainly not companion selection and favor refusal.

I continued clawing at the dirt, enamored by my thrilling adventures in excavation. After a short while of throwing dirt around, I came across five small, glassy gemstones sleeping amidst the soil.

Diamondback squealed softly at the sight of them, pulling them into the air with her dark powers. "Red! Oh, how I've missed you!" she said, admiring the gems like priceless treasures before placing them into her picnic basket. "Excellent work, Mork. I knew you could do it.”

You were supposed to say that with an smug grin on your face after I defeated your first horde of skeleton fairies.

“Now let’s try over here,” she said as her horn led her a few feet away. “I think I see something purple.”

This is silly. I have dungeons to explore, castles to conquer, and random objects to obsessively collect. I don’t have time for this pointless busy work. I just got away from college. I should just run for it. If I leave now, maybe I could find a dark forest to get lost in by the time the sun sets.

“And don't worry, Mork,” Diamondback remarked, levitating the picnic basket. “As soon as we’re done, I've got a nice big slice of that marshmallow applesauce cake you picked out with your name on it.”

On the other hand, digging can be fun too. Maybe she’s got monsters hidden underground. I mean, she does still despise me, right? Please tell me I’m right.

Ignoring the icebox her brain had become, Sweetie Belle shoveled spoonful after spoonful of the colorful mound into her mouth, her speed and excitement increasing with every bite. Her saliva didn't have a chance to touch the ice cream before the spoon was back in her mouth with another scoop. When there were no scoops in her bowl, she licked it clean, letting anything that wasn’t on her tongue splash onto her face. Then she set her sights on the oversized waffle cone on her right, violently splashing her face with it and sending debris flying all over the table. As she leaned forward to lick it up, she suddenly remembered the filly that had accompanied her to the ice cream parlor.

She meekly turned her head, ice cream dripping off every part of her that was affected by gravity. “Sorry, am I grossing you out?” she asked.

Diamond peeked her head out from under the table, eyeing Sweetie carefully before fully coming back up. “Don’t be silly," she said, offering an encouraging smile. "If you don’t wear it, you don’t like it, right?”

Sweetie blankly stared back. “Then why are we sitting at separate tables?”

Diamond hesitated, scavenging the room with her eyes from the other side of it. “I just came over here to get you some more napkins,” she said, grabbing the napkin dispenser off her table before walking over to Sweetie's. “You looked like you could use them.”

“Oh, well, thanks,” Sweetie said, yanking one out to wipe her face off.

“So, can I get you anything else?" Diamond asked, taking a seat on the opposite side of the circular table. "Maybe more nuts? How about a better chair? I can get you a tennis court. Do you like tennis?”

“Do I?" Sweetie beamed, her eyes lighting up before she shook the light away. "Wait, this isn't right."

"What's not right?" Diamond asked, leaning onto the table. "Don't tell me it's not cold enough."

"No, no, the ice cream's great," Sweetie said, setting her napkin on the table. "But why did you buy me so much? You couldn't have felt this bad about what you said this morning. I mean, you barely even said anything to me."

“Hold that thought.” Diamond raised her hoof to grab the attention of a passing employee. “Excuse me, is there a reason my friend's still waiting on the rest of her order? Because she didn't come here to wait.”

"There's more?" Sweetie asked before the vendor could respond. "Is that even possible?"

"I've counted six sundaes, twelve cones, three milkshakes, and a bowl full of every flavor you have," Diamond said, staring the vendor down from her chair. "That means there's one milkshake my friend hasn't seen yet."

"That's okay, Diamond," Sweetie said uncomfortably. "I don't think I need—"

"She and I have plans today, and they don't include sitting here all day. Don't keep her waiting any longer!" Diamond pointed toward the kitchen, which the ice cream mare responded to like a starting pistol, dashing off to resolve the complaint.

"Did you have to bark at her like that?" Sweetie asked. "It was just one milkshake. She gave us everything else we asked for."

"Never feed the ducks, Sweetie Belle," Diamond said, looking toward the kitchen as she placed her hoof on her cheek. "They'll just get fatter and lazier."

Sweetie grabbed another of her waffle cones. "Isn't that kind of mean?"

"Yeah," Diamond said, tiredly glancing at Sweetie, "life is like that sometimes."

"I guess," Sweetie said, licking her cone to avoid eye contact.

"Anyway, you were saying something about me?" Diamond asked, perking up a bit.

Sweetie glanced back. "Uh, yeah, I was just wondering why you bought me so much ice cream. Rarity only gets me an extra scoop even when I'm on my best behavior."

“I always go the extra mile for my friends,” Diamond proudly replied, looking over the ice cream banquet between them. “Be honest. Aren't I just the best friend you’ve ever had?”

“Well, I am kinda impressed that you knew my favorite flavor,” Sweetie admitted, looking at the cone in her hoof.

“Vanilla’s your favorite flavor too?” Diamond asked, smiling brightly.

“I was impressed, anyway,” Sweetie mumbled.

Diamond leapt off her seat and strolled around the circumference of the table.“This just proves how perfectly compatible we are. We were meant to be friends, and once I help you get your cutie mark, we'll practically be sisters.”

Sweetie stopped the progress on her next cone to turn back toward Diamond. “You really think you can help me find my cutie mark?”

“I said I could, didn't I?" Diamond said, tossing her mane back. "I have an eye for talent. I could get that chair a cutie mark if I wanted.”

Just then, the vendor rushed out of the kitchen, a tray resting on her back that held a single vanilla milkshake. She lost her balance as she cleared the front counter and tumbled over, sending the tray flying across the shop and landing perfectly on the table in front of Sweetie.

Diamond clapped as the mare stood back up. "A bit slow, but I'll give you points for flair."

"Could I get a straw?" Sweetie asked, picking the milkshake off the tray.

The vendor narrowed her gaze and threw her apron in Sweetie's face, turning around and storming back into the kitchen in a huff.

"Can you believe her?" Diamond asked, placing a straw into Sweetie's milkshake. "Some ponies just don't know how to be friendly."

"Yeah," Sweetie said, attempting a chuckle, "what a duck."

Diamond giggled. "Honestly, how does somepony as funny as you not have a cutie mark yet?"

"Maybe my cutie mark has a bad sense of humor." Sweetie took another sip of her milkshake only to realize she had already emptied it.

"Or maybe you need a new talent scout," Diamond said, wrapping her hoof around Sweetie. "Ready to get started?"

“But what about the rest of my ice cream?” Sweetie asked, looking to her ten untouched ice cream cones amidst the disarray of empty glasses and bowls. “I don’t want it to go to waste.”

“No problem.” Diamond reached over to grab Sweetie’s backpack. She stacked the collection of cones inside like they were bowling pins and cordially gave it back. “Anything else?”

“Uh, won’t that get a bit messy if it melts?” Sweetie asked, inspecting her knapsack before putting it on.

“It's not that hot today," Diamond said, peeking out at the sun through the window. "Now, come on!" She pulled Sweetie out of her seat and hauled her outside. "You're not getting a cutie mark in dilly-dallying.”

"I know," Sweetie grumbled. "I already tried."

Diamond led Sweetie through the streets of Ponyville, seeming to be the more excited of the two about Sweetie getting her cutie mark. Still, she wouldn't go any faster than a light skip, so Sweetie got right to work on her ice cream stash. She scarfed down three of them and noisily licked her lips before checking to make sure she wasn't grossing Diamond out again. As she looked over, something pressing occurred to her.

“Oh! I'm so sorry, Diamond." Sweetie stopped to pull out another of the cones from her backpack, extending it to Diamond. "You got me all this ice cream, and I never asked if you wanted any.”

Diamond glanced over at her friend's offer with a smile but cringed as she spotted a drop of the melting dessert slide off the cone and fall to the ground, causing unwanted memories to flood through her mind. “Oh, no, I can’t," she said, pushing it away. "I really can’t.”

“Oh, I get it,” Sweetie said, pulling back the cone. “Watching your figure, huh? Rarity does that all the time. She almost lasted a week once.”

“I’m not watching my figure,” Diamond said, her right eye twitching above her smile. “I’m...being punished. My dad said I can’t have any ice cream.”

“What?” Sweetie squeaked, stopping in place and dropping her cone in shock. “No ice cream? Until when?"

"I don't know." Diamond continued walking. "Forever, I guess."

"That’s terrible!" Sweetie said, running up beside her again. "Why would your dad do something like that?”

“He was just really angry this morning. I’d rather not talk about it.”

“This morning?” Sweetie asked, coming to a stop again. She paused to think for a moment, then gasped as the pieces connected.

“Anyway, you probably want to know what I have in mind. I don't want to keep my friend waiting in susp—ah!” Diamond was silenced by an unexpected, sticky embrace from her left side. She turned her head to see a distressed Sweetie Belle, her legs wrapped around Diamond's torso.

"Sweetie Belle, what are you doing?" Diamond asked.

"Rarity says to hug ponies when they're sad." Sweetie said, squeezing tighter.

"What are you talking about?" Diamond asked, prying Sweetie off as she turned to face her.

"No wonder you exploded in class this morning. I know I would have been furious if my parents took my ice cream privileges away. I don't even want to think about it." She hugged Diamond again, this time gripping her around the neck. "And I tried to run away from you when you needed a friend. I'm so sorry."

Diamond took Sweetie's words in silence. Her eyes widened as the apology entered her eardrum, and a victorious smile spread across her face as she returned the hug. “It’s okay. I forgive you. That’s what friends do after all.”

Sweetie slowly pulled away, timidly looking Diamond in the eye. "So, you really think of us as friends?"

Diamond smiled and walked right past her. "You mean you didn't believe me before?"

Sweetie bit her lip as she watched her walk away. "Well, I thought that—"

"Oh, good, we're here," Diamond said, turning around as she stopped at her house's front gate. "Come on. It's in the backyard."

Sweetie collected herself and followed Diamond around the perimeter of the fence. As they neared the back gate, Sweetie felt the strings of her curiosity being tugged. “So what is 'it' exactly?" she asked. "A claw machine? A ping-pong table? A swimming pool?"

Diamond stood in front of the wooden fence door and showily shoved it open. “Tada!” she exclaimed, extending her hoof toward the large, blue object behind her house.

“Wow! It is a swimming pool!” Sweetie ran straight to its edge, looking across the enormous rectangular basin of water that took up most of the backyard. “I didn’t know you had one in your backyard.”

“My mom wanted me to learn how to swim," Diamond said. "Now it's mostly just an extra chore during the warmer months. And anyway, I wasn't pointing to the pool."

“Oh, well, that’s good, I guess," Sweetie said, stepping back from the water. "Things didn't go so well the last time I tried getting my cutie mark in a pool.” Sweetie turned around to see a large, blue weapon aimed straight at her with Diamond standing beside it. Her first thought was to scream but only flinched after remembering Diamond was her friend now.

“Is that a cannon?” Sweetie asked curiously. “It looks like a bigger version of Pinkie’s party cannon. Where'd you get it?”

“I think that crazy pink mare left it out here. She’s talking with my dad about some silly event she’s hosting for that big festival this Thursday.”

“You mean the Horseshoe Switcheroo Festival?” Sweetie asked, her mood picking up. “I’m so excited for that. I can’t wait to see who I get this year. Aren't you excited too?”

Diamond’s smile collapsed into a quizzical poker face. “Sure,” she replied flatly, “so, about the cannon...”

“Oh! Oh! Oh! Am I gonna get a cutie mark in being a pirate?" Sweetie pulled one of her ice cream cones from her backpack. "How many of my eyes should I poke out?”

“Actually," Diamond said, snatching the cone away, "I had something else in mind. I was thinking you could try your hoof in being a pony cannonball.”

“A pony cannonball? You mean like at the circus?”

“Exactly. All you have to do is get inside, get shot into the air, and hope you land somewhere soft. A molded lump of iron could do it. I’m sure that means you can too.”

“But isn’t it a bit...dangerous?” Sweetie asked, rolling one of the cannon’s wheels with her hoof.

“Don’t worry your pretty little head about that. I'll point the cannon up as high as it will go, and you'll just splash right into the pool.” She turned and looked around her backyard. “You know how to swim, right?”

“Shouldn’t I at least wear a helmet?” Sweetie asked, rapping the cannon's exterior with her hoof.

“You read my mind. Safety first.” Diamond shoved a metallic viking helmet onto Sweetie’s head, two large horns coming out of each side.

Sweetie lifted the helmet out of her eyes. “Let me guess. Pinkie left the helmet here too.”

“She said something about advertising her weird event.” Diamond pointed to the large, disorganized pile of junk lying by the house. “Between you and me, I don’t even think she knows what that word means.”

“Can’t we start with something safer?" Sweetie asked, testing that the pool had real water in it. "Like teddy bear hugging?”

“If that’s what you want." Diamond turned away, giving Sweetie a playful glance from the side. "But this might be your only chance to test your pony cannonball skills. Do you want to let that one chance pass you by?”

“Never!” Sweetie shouted, peeking her head out from inside the cannon. “Fire away!”

Diamond went around behind the cannon and tilted it up. Through the power of observation, she quickly located the large purple button that would send Sweetie rocketing toward her new cutie mark and raised her hoof to press it.

“Wait!” Sweetie shouted before Diamond could press it.

“Pre-launch jitters?”

“My backpack,” Sweetie replied, pulling it off her back and holding it in her hooves. “Could you hold it for me? I don’t want it affecting my flight path or anything.”

“Your wish is my command.” Diamond walked around to the front of the cannon to catch Sweetie’s bag. However, as Sweetie released it, the latch came undone and the contents spilled out. As a result, Diamond was pelted with about half a gallon of vanilla ice cream, all of it partially melted from the heat of the sun.

Sweetie looked mortified as she tried to hide within the cannon’s interior. “I’m so sorry, Diamond! I didn’t mean it!”

Diamond blinked and wiped the white sludge out of her eyes. “It’s okay.”

“I know you’re mad, but please don’t bite my head off! I need it to—” Sweetie paused and leaned forward out of the cannon. “What?”

“It’s okay,” Diamond repeated, giving her an understanding smile. “It's just ice cream. What's it going to do?”

Sweetie stared back in disbelief. “But what if your dad catches you? You'll get in trouble, and it'll be all my fault.”

“Uh, why don't you let me worry about that? Right now, we need to get you airborne. Are you ready?”

“Okay," Sweetie said, now more anxious about the mess than the stunt.

Diamond strolled back around and pressed the button on the back of the cannon, shooting Sweetie into the air with a burst of confetti and streamers. The white filly screamed as she flew up, her trajectory sending her into the clouds, and her momentum refused to stop. Soon, she had left Diamond's backyard altogether, becoming a speck in the evening sky.

Diamond shook her head as she headed off in the direction of the flying unicorn. With a heavy sigh, she grumbled, “Should have gone with the lump of iron.”

“Spike!” Twilight called, briefly scanning her bedroom for any sign of the dragon. Her search proving fruitless, she walked back downstairs.

After transporting herself home all the way from Twinklespark, Twilight was feeling a bit drained, but there was no time to rest. She had to see how the town was holding up with the new Mork in town. Reminded that she still needed to get it fixed, Twilight opened the door to the library, the cordial atmosphere of a typical Ponyville day there to greet her.

“Is something wrong?” Twilight asked the large mob of ponies standing at her doorstep.

“Twilight, you have to do something!” Mr. Cake shouted, standing at the head of the crowd. “There’s a monster loose in Ponyville.”

“It stole the paint right off my sign,” a brown, white-maned stallion said, cradling a sign of an undecorated pony in his hooves. “It took me two solid months to get that mustache looking spiffy enough.”

“My little girl said it attacked the school during recess,” a white, blue-maned mare said. “Then she told me she never wanted to go to school again.” The white, blue-maned filly to her right shook her head in agreement.

“I saw it walking around with its eyes closed,” a pink, green-maned mare said, glancing around nervously. “I think it can see through its eyelids.”

“Twilight, you can take care of this monster, right?” Mr. Cake asked with a pleading smile. “After all, you and your friends saved the town from plenty of other monsters over the years.”

“Please, Twilight, you have to do something," Mrs. Cake said, stepping forward with her twins harnessed to a saddle on her back. "My babies are terrified enough of the monsters that don't exist."

“Scary,” Pumpkin Cake said, holding up a crude sketch of a blue-skinned beast with orange hair and jagged teeth.

"Rawr," Pound Cake growled, holding up his own scribblings of a similar-looking creature with black eyes and a giant hat.

The crowd descended into an uproar, all of them voicing their concerns and complaints about the monster's agenda from that morning.

“Calm down, everypony!" Twilight shouted, relieved they had come to her first instead of taking action themselves. "Everything's under control.”

“Did you hear that, everypony?” a stallion called out from the crowd. “Twilight said she’ll slay the monster!”

The crowd erupted into cheering that lasted for a good while before Twilight was audible again.

“I’m not slaying anything,” Twilight said. “I’m saying everything's under control because there’s no monster on the loose.”

“No monster?” the brown stallion asked. “Tell that to my sign.”

“Or my daughter,” the white mare said.

“Or your door,” the pink mare said, pointing at the library’s entrance.

“I realize there have been a few...incidents,” Twilight said, glancing at her door, “but I can assure you all that there’s no cause for alarm. Princess Celestia herself has insisted that this creature means us no harm.”

“The princess said that?” Mr. Cake asked, a bit of fear draining out of his eyes.

“Did she happen to say what it’s doing here?” a cream colored mare asked irately.

“He’s our guest,” Twilight replied. “Our very...eccentric guest.”

A swarm of chatter filled the air as the crowd of ponies talked amongst themselves. Twilight couldn’t make out their words, but she could hear the doubtful mood they all seemed to share.

“Listen, everypony!” she shouted, stealing their attention back. “I know this creature’s a bit brash and maybe a little undisciplined, but we need to be patient with him. The princess will be stopping by here tomorrow to see how everything—"

“Princess Celestia’s coming here? Tomorrow?” Mr. Cake asked, the fear sweeping right back into his eyes.

“That’s right,” Twilight proudly said. “She and the head of her research division will be here bright and early to make sure everything’s working out. Rest assured, all of your concerns will be sorted out, and any damages will be covered by—"

“Oh dear,” Mrs. Cake said, placing her hoof to her mouth as she turned to her husband. “Honey, she’s coming tomorrow morning.”

“I heard her, Sugar Bear,” Mr. Cake replied. “This is worse than I thought. There’s so much we have to do.”

“Somepony needs to help me make the banner!”

"I've got to make my house look presentable!"

"Celestia likes petunias, right?"

"Does anypony know what time it is?"

In a matter of seconds, the crowd had dispersed in a frenzy of panic and dust, leaving Twilight to cough at the the cloud of dust they created.

"Good thing I didn't tell them she was here a few hours ago," Twilight said, looking down to see the sketch that Pumpkin Cake had been holding, the only thing remaining from the frenzied crowd. "Well, at least they're not upset with Mork anymore."

She looked up to the position of the sun, figuring she had better go see if Rarity needed any help making Mork's dinner or otherwise. However, before leaving, she suddenly remembered something very important.

Bursting back through her damaged door, she looked up to the large disco ball that hung from her ceiling, glowing with a much dimmer tint than the crystal sphere from Twinklespark.

“Good thing I remembered this,” she thought aloud as she shot a purple stream of magic into the silver orb, causing it to discharge a colorful shockwave throughout the library and radiate with a much brighter glow. "Can't have anything sinister sneaking in while I'm gone.”

She caught sight of the mess of books scattered across the floor from earlier that morning. “Oh, Spike,” Twilight sighed, shaking her head as she effortlessly levitated all the books back onto the shelves. “I sure hope he comes back soon. The princess is expecting a letter from me by the end of the day. Come to think of it, did he ever get that paper I needed?”

Twilight turned to her desk. She figured if that paper was anywhere, it would be in the one spot she always kept it: the first drawer from the top. As she grabbed hold of it with her magic and pulled it open, she was greeted with a bright pink collection of energy that gave her heart a few brief seconds to decide that it wanted to continue beating.

“Hi, Twilight!” Pinkie exclaimed as she sprung out of the drawer that her head alone would have had trouble fitting inside.

“Pinkie, what were you doing in there?” Twilight asked, placing her collection of sharp, metal instruments back into their respective hiding spots.

“I’m looking for party supplies,” Pinkie said, checking inside the desk's other various drawers.

“I don’t think you’ll find any in there," Twilight said, stepping aside to ensure Pinkie had her necklace on. "Maybe you should go buy some.”

Pinkie laughed. “Buy some? Are you kidding?"

"I can lend you some money if you need it. What are you looking for? Tape? Balloons? Noisemakers?"

"Guests!" Pinkie shouted, holding up two invitations. "They're only the most important supply a party can have! That's why I came here to invite you and Spike to join in on the fun."

“Oh, I see," Twilight said. "That's an excellent idea, Pinkie. Throwing a party for Mork could be just the thing he needs to feel welcomed."

Pinkie gasped, dropping her invitations as she pulled out a small, blue notebook, a stream of confetti exploding out as she opened it.

"Is there a problem, Pinkie?" Twilight asked.

Pinkie anxiously flipped through her planner. "How could I forget about Mork's party? Now I've got to throw him seven of them to make up for the three I missed."

"I'm sure one party will be fine, Pinkie. For Rarity's sake, we probably shouldn't let him have too much cake, anyway. How's she doing anyway? Is Mork settling in well?"

"Probably," Pinkie replied, her eyes still glued to her planner. "I went to check up and invite them, but they weren't there. The note on the door said they went on a picnic."

"She took him on a picnic?" Twilight giggled. "I guess she didn't want to take the chance of letting a hungry Mork eat inside her boutique."

"I'm so glad she decided to be friends with him," Pinkie said, tossing her planner away. "She wouldn't get within sneezing distance of him when we were walking to that twinkly place."

Twilight made her way to her desk, looking inside the drawer for some paper. "She did seem pretty upset with him after she stopped him from running around town. I guess she felt bad about that after finding out where he came from."

"Either that or she wanted to see him dig some more giant holes!" Pinkie said, gathering her dropped invitations.

Twilight laughed again. "Oh, Pinkie, why would Rarity want to—" Her face went blank.

"Twilight?" Pinkie waved her hoof in Twilight's face, resulting in no response.

Without warning, Twilight darted across the room, stopping as she came to one of her giant telescopes that pointed out the window. "Rarity, please tell me you didn't," she muttered to herself as she looked through the scope, wincing at the mild twinge of pain in her head.

Pinkie knocked on the telescope. "Is Rarity in there? Ask her if she wants to come to the party too."

"I'm sorry, Pinkie. There's something I need to attend to." Twilight pulled away from the telescope as she headed outside. "If you see Spike, tell him I hope he's enjoying his break."

"But Twilight, you'll miss the party," Pinkie said, suddenly standing in Twilight's way.

“We’ll party once Equestria's not in danger,” Twilight said as she ran around Pinkie and out of the library.

"What do you mean we can't party ever again?” Pinkie manically shouted, though her shouting did nothing to stop Twilight's departure.

Pinkie promptly left the library as well. Having no time to be disappointed, she put her nose to the ground and sniffed around like a bloodhound, searching for the smell of potential party guests. Filthy was counting on her to find guests for Dimey's party, and she was counting on herself.

Catching a scent, Pinkie smiled and bounced down the dirt path, keeping a close eye out for anypony with a need for cake or fun. Several ponies seemed to fit the bill, but they ran by in too much of a panicked state for Pinkie to stop them. Luckily, she soon came across two ponies that she knew would stop to listen.

“Applejack! Apple Bloom!” Pinkie shouted, popping out from inside the kayak the two were pushing. “How are my two favorite appley sisters doing on this fine day? Going surfing?”

The two sisters glanced at each other, each looking to the other to correct her.

“We’re going kayaking, Pinkie,” Applejack said. “You know, with a boat?”

“Oh,” Pinkie droned as she held up one of the paddles from inside the boat. “I thought these were for whacking sharks away. You girls busy after that?”

“Not that I figure,” Applejack replied. “But I can’t imagine we’ll be up for much after all the rowin’.”

“You won’t?” Pinkie’s ears fell, and she set the oar back and hopped out of the boat. Then, every muscle in her body sprung back up. “Well, that’s okay. I was just looking for guests to come to a party I’m throwing later today.”

“You’re throwing a party?” Apple Bloom asked, whooshing around to the front of the boat, her eyes zealous at the prospect.

“Well, why didn’t you say so?” Applejack chuckled. “We always got time for one of your parties, Pinkie. What's the occasion?”

Pinkie’s smile increased in intensity. “It’s a surprise party for Filthy Rich’s daughter, Diamond Tiara.”

Pinkie couldn't have hit them harder if she had slapped them with a wet fish. Applejack shoved her hooves over her little sister’s ears and whispered, “Pinkie, what’s the matter with you?”

“Well, my tongue’s a little dry, and I had to cancel Gummy’s puppet show to be able to—"

“No, no, no.” Applejack irately shook her head. “I mean, what the hay are you throwing her a surprise party for? Have ya lost yer mind?”

“I don’t think so.” Pinkie dug her hoof into her ear and shuffled it around for a few moments before pulling it back out. “Nope, still got it!”

“Applejack, are you keeping a secret from me?” Apple Bloom asked loudly, looking between the two mares.

Applejack quickly brought her hooves off her sister’s ears. “Pinkie, just tell me this: what in the name of Celestia's kitchen cabinet are you plannin’ on celebratin’? Is it her birthday?”

“Nope,” Pinkie replied.

“Did she pull somepony out of a well?”

Pinkie shook her head. “Nu-uh.”

“Did she learn how to fly?”

“No, silly,” Pinkie laughed, “nothing like that.”

“Then why are y’all throwing that filly a surprise party?” Applejack asked. “Didn’t ya hear ‘bout what she did this morning?”

“Oh, don't worry, Applejack," Pinkie said. "She was just playing make-believe."

“Make-believe?" Apple Bloom shouted, momentarily defying gravity. "You couldn't make me believe that for all the nuts in that filly's noggin! Ever since I broke that tiara—"

“No, ya don’t." Applejack corked her frenzied sister with her hoof. "We ain’t getting into this again. Sorry, Pinkie, but I think my sister needs a few hours away from Diamond Tiara. Good luck with yer party.”

Pinkie watched the two leave, Applejack pushing both the kayak and her sister forward as they dragged along the dirt path.

Pinkie scratched her head. "Dimey keeps food in her head? I thought that was Mork's thing."

Continuing her search, Pinkie stepped through the dark alley she had chased Mork down a few hours prior, slipping deeply into her thoughts. Twilight couldn’t come. Apple Bloom and Applejack wouldn’t come. Everypony in Dimey’s class were too afraid to leave their homes. Even those inmates from Alpacatraz said they had better things to do.

Pinkie refused to believe that nopony in town wanted to party, but what other explanation was there? Either party-hating aliens had come from space and replaced everyone she knew or...Dimey didn’t have any friends.

Before that terrifying thought could settle in for a nap in her mind, Pinkie forcefully tossed it away as she caught sight of Filthy’s front door. Her bounce finding its way back into her legs, she sprung forward, taking pleasure in every hop.

After the second ring of the doorbell, Filthy Rich promptly answered the door, looking down to see a familiar face expectantly staring at him.

“Well, hello there, Silver Spoon," he said. "You’re not here to drop off my daughter’s next homework assignment by chance, are you?” He gave her a stern glare before dropping it to laugh it off.

Silver Spoon let out a hesitant, high-pitched laugh after catching his joke, clearing her throat before replying, “Good afternoon, Mr. Rich. Is Diamond Tiara home?” She snuck a peek into the dark foyer behind him.

“Not right now, Silvy!” Pinkie cried, standing upside-down on the top rail of the door. “Were you looking for her?”

Silver took a cautious step backward. “I-I just wanted to see if she was home. Otherwise, I have to be—"

“She left about an hour ago,” Filthy said. "Didn't say where she was going."

“Oh, really?” Silver asked, sounding a bit disappointed. “Did she say anything about me? Like, did she leave you a message to tell me or something?”

Filthy shook his head. “Afraid not. I thought she was off somewhere with you. She said she had something important to do for school. I figured you two had a project to work on or something.”

Silver’s eyes widened, her glasses slipping down her nose. “What? But she told me..." She trailed off, dejectedly tilting her head down. "I’ve got to go.” She abruptly turned away and trotted off, not stopping until she bumped into the excitable mare that had blocked her path.

“Don’t leave yet, Silvy!” Pinkie cheered, sliding a party hat onto Silver’s head. “We’re throwing Dimey a surprise party for when she comes back. I know you don't want to miss that!” Pinkie blew a noisemaker straight into Silver’s face.

Silver stared into Pinkie’s smiling face, her expression blank and her emotions unreadable. A year went by in Pinkie’s mind as she waited for Silver to make any kind of response. Eventually, Silver rose her hoof and removed the party hat, giving it back to the mare.

“I...I can’t,” Silver pointed her head down, keeping it down as she galloped off the property. Pinkie blew the noisemaker again as she watched her run off, the noise sounding like it was asking a question.

“What was that all about, Filthy?” Pinkie asked, walking back toward the house.

“I have no idea, Pinkie. I can’t remember the last time Silver Spoon’s been too busy for my daughter.”

“You know Mork,” Diamondback said as I clawed my way through hole number seven. “Not to sound rude or anything, but I thought you were a bit...better at this.”

Yes, I believe this field is rife with shattered expectations today.

“Perhaps you could give the shovel a try,” she suggested. “A shovel’s a bit wider than your claws, you see, so you can use it to scoop up more dirt at once.”

Where were the tips when there was a broomstick swinging at my head?

I agreeably stopped digging and made my way over to where I had planted the shovel. Then, I spotted the pickaxe lying beside it. The pickaxe was the smaller one of the two, and I could use it with only one hand, which meant I wouldn't have to stand up to use it.

I ignored the shovel and grabbed the pickaxe instead, walking back to where Diamondback was observing me. Looking back over the hole, I slammed the pickaxe into the ground, expecting the dirt to crumble into nothing as I hit it. To my surprise, the pickaxe just stuck into the ground like it was a less effective shovel, making me look like I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.

What’s with these physics? They’re like...normal physics.

“No, Mork,” Diamondback said with a chuckle. “That's a pickaxe. The shovel's the big one that looks like a spoon. Do you understand?”

Great, now the mana pooler thinks I'm stupid. Here's an idea. How about she picks up that shovel, and we'll fight for my cake?

The white witch was infuriating me. She had ascended beyond her asinine head-rubbing, compliment-tossing performance and was treating me like I was just another of her wand worshipping friends. I didn't want to imagine something so disgusting. I wanted to tackle her to the ground and swipe that picnic basket right out of her little blue aura. Unfortunately, she wouldn't let me.

She wouldn't yell at me. She wouldn't equip herself. She wouldn't even vigorously dig her hoof into my ear anymore. She refused to perform a single aggressive action that would cue even a few seconds of battle music, which meant that my attacks would go right through her even if I tried, not that I would try. Sneak attacks were for cowards and college dropouts.

Since combat still wasn't in the cards yet, I put some more effort into my digging. Tedious as it was, there was at least some satisfaction in finding these gems, even without a rewarding jingle. Each one I found meant one step closer to marshmallow.

It was then that a faint scream entered my field of hearing, interrupting my expedition. Diamondback and I looked around for the source but saw no one else on the plain aside from the two of us. As it drew closer and louder, I looked up just in time to see a small, white meteorite crashing onto my back.

“Sweetie Belle?” Diamondback frantically shouted, dropping the picnic basket in front of my nose. “What are you doing here? Why did you just fall from the sky?”

“Hey, sis!” an unfamiliar voice said, sounding dazed and nauseated. “Did you see me flying? I make a great pony cannonball, don’t I? Did my postage stamp finally appear?” The little horse creature stomped in a circle on my back like it was chasing its tail. The raw, clobbering discomfort felt oddly nostalgic.

“Pony cannonball? Sweetie Belle, of all the most dangerous, irresponsible, reckless—Good heavens! Look what you’ve done to Mork!”

You know, you get squished flat a certain number of times, you start forgetting to notice it.

My muscles relaxed as the alleged Sweetie Belle hopped off my back. She wasn’t as heavy as a piano, so I was able to spring back into three-dimensions without having to reflate myself. After a second of reorientation, I turned to my right to meet the gaze of the pony-shaped meteorite that had crashed into me. Her reaction was a tad more explosive than mine.

“It’s the monkey thing!” Sweetie shouted, running behind her big sister and timidly peeking her head out to look at me. “It’s gonna eat me and take my hat!”

“Sweetie Belle, what's the matter with you?” Diamondback asked. “That tacky helmet is hideous. He'd be doing you a favor by taking it."

“It's still gonna eat me!" she shouted. "Just like it ate Applejack!”

Applejack, huh? It does sound like my kind of food.

“Ate Applejack?" Diamondback asked, turning around to face her sister. "That's absurd. What would make you think that Mork would do such a thing?"

It's sounding tastier by the second.

Sweetie pointed at me. "That thing ran by my school this morning, and it was wearing her hat."

Oh, she's talking about Applehat. Shame, my name's so much more fitting.

"It's all right, Sweetie Belle," Diamondback said. "Applejack is fine. I just saw her uneaten not an hour ago. Now be polite and introduce yourself to Mork."

Diamondback stepped aside, placing her younger sister right into my line of sight. Sweetie had the same coat color as her sister, but her mane colors were brighter, she had a curlier mane style, and her eye color was different. She wore a bronze viking helmet, had an intro theme that an amusement park would pay through the nose for, and spoke with a voice that reminded me of my bratty younger cousin. Her lack of a symbol, or "postage stamp" as she called it, was curious, but there was something about her coat's inherent thickness that drew more of my attention. Certain parts of it looked somewhat lumpier than others.

Sweetie turned back to her sister. "It's looking at me weird."

"And you can apologize for saying that after you introduce yourself," Diamondback definitively replied.

"H-hi, Mork," Sweetie said, turning back to me. "My name is Sweetie Belle. What's yours?"

"Mork," I replied, either my voice or my smile making her body go stiff for a flash.

"Oh, right," she said, trying to laugh. "Mine's Sweetie Belle. Wait, did I already tell you that?"

Yep, nothing beats the art of communication.

"I think that's enough introduction," Rarity said, cutting into our thrilling conversation before it got out of hand. "How about we take a little break? I know someone has a little treat they've been waiting for."

"I hope it's not me," Sweetie said, clutching her stomach. "I don't even want to think about food right now."

Diamondback opened the picnic basket and summoned forth a white, frosted pastry that was larger than her head. Not even the sickening blue aura around it could made it look unappetizing.

"Wow!" Sweetie shouted. "Look at that cake! Can I have some?"

"Mork!" I barked at her, sending her running back behind her sister.

Who does this talking projectile think she is? If she thinks she's having any of that cake, then someone better cue the battle music.

Diamondback threw her fake smile on like an old overcoat. "Now, Mork, I know how you love your dessert, but surely you don't mind sharing a little piece, right?"

I wouldn't have growled at her, but there were marshmallows on the line. I shifted into a pouncing stance and glared at them, poised to leap if there were any sudden movements.

"M-Mork?" Diamondback asked, she and her sister taking a synchronized step backward. "Is everything okay?"

With the lightning speed of a dodgeball thrown by the full force of an apathetic corporate executive, I swooped forward and grabbed the cake out of the air. I then attempted to backflip onto my hand so I could perform another backflip and land on my feet a good distance away. After flinging myself onto my back and sliding along the uneven dirt plain, I held my delicious trophy up to look at it. Sweetie's giggle made it feel like one of my typical family outings.

I opened my mouth to swallow the entire dessert in one bite but stopped as I heard a sound. It wasn't a particularly loud sound. It wasn't even really a pleasant sound, but it certainly made my eyes obnoxiously pop out of my head.

“I knew I saw you land over here! Now let’s see that new postage stamp!”

You know, for someone who claimed to despise me so much, she sure does know how to keep finding me.

Marshmallows were wiped clear from my mind at the sound of Pinkie's voice. If my parents were around, they'd have wanted that filly brought in for experimentation. I turned my head to make sure it was really her, but the blurriness kicked in before I got a chance.

"My postage stamp didn't show up," Sweetie sadly replied. "I guess I wasn't meant to be a pony cannonball after all."

"My word, darling! What happened to you?" Diamondback asked, her tone sounding as if part of Pinkie's brain was exposed.

"Oh yeah, that was my fault," Sweetie sheepishly said. "I accidentally spilled some of my ice cream on her."

I sprung up off my back in surprise as my eyes grew windshield wipers to prematurely clear up my vision. The sight that came into focus was interesting to see. It was the first time I had seen a genuine smile on Pinkie's face. She was strolling right past me with her eyes confidently shut. However, she wasn't the Pinkie I remembered from the morning. This one was a different flavor.

Dripping off her hair and down her back was a white variant of her slime. It covered nearly the entirety of her body, only parts of her front leg and tail revealing her true colors. Like Sweetie, she didn't have a postage stamp, and the unusual thickness of her coat looked lumpy and uneven in certain places. Just like Sweetie...

Pinkie's slime is pink. Sweetie's is white. Pinkie's mane is white and purple. Sweetie's mane is purple and pink. They have different eye colors, different hairstyles, conflicting personalities, and yet they share the same power? There's only one logical explanation: Sweetie and Pinkie are the same pony split in two.

I've heard of this power before. She can divide herself into some number of clones, and each one gets a different 'flavor' of ice cream to wield. It's a colorful ability. I'll give them that.

Not sure if she was ignoring me or simply didn't notice me, I morked at Pinkie to get her attention. She squeaked like a chair, reeling back as she caught me in her peripheral. Her emotion instantly shifted to rage by default, but it gave way to fear again as she backed away and asked, “How many of you are there?”

I could ask you the same question.

“There's no need to be frightened," Diamondback said, slowly walking up to us. "That's just our new friend, Mork."

Pinkie reacted as if she'd been told she had to take a thumbtack bath. "Friend? This thing?" She looked to her other self, who was still hiding behind Diamondback.

"I don't think he likes me very much," Sweetie said. "Although, he is kind of funny."

"Nonsense, Sweetie Belle. I'm sure Mork was just hungry," Diamondback said, curiously turning to Pinkie. "Now, what was your name again? You're one of Sweetie Belle's friends, aren't you?"

That's pretty cold, Diamondback. You don't recognize your own...sister? Sheesh, how big is the Pinkie-Sweetie family tree, anyway?

Pinkie's smile reappeared the second she took her eyes off me. “Oh, I'm sure I don’t need to introduce myself. Sweetie Belle’s probably already told you all about me.”

Sweetie offered a grin that said otherwise. “Well, you know, I was going to, but...Mork distracted me.” She accusingly stuck her hoof in my direction.

Pinkie dropped her smile again as she sent one eye on a private mission to glare at me. Just above a whisper, she said, “What kind of sick game are you playing with me?”

"Beg pardon?" Diamondback asked as she and Sweetie got within striking distance.

Pinkie smiled again, or at least she tried. “If you don’t mind me asking, what’s our...new friend doing all the way out here?”

'If you don't mind me asking?' Where did that come from? And what's with the Diamondback smile?

“I just brought Mork out here to help me dig up some gems." Diamondback paused and her own fake smile made its stellar reappearance. "Did I say that? I meant I brought him out here on a picnic and he graciously agreed to help me dig up some gems. Isn't that right?"

"Well, I'm sure if anypony could put this thing to good use, it would be somepony as pretty as Sweetie Belle's sister." Pinkie petted the air around my head as Diamondback ceremoniously accepted the compliment.

Is Pinkie feeling okay? She doesn't act this friendly to her own mother. What makes her aloof curly-haired sister witch so special?

A drop of vanilla fell off the edge of Pinkie's hair, and everything suddenly became clear. Behavioral modification was an interesting side effect for paranormal ooze. It was clearly at an immature level of power since Pinkie could easily override it to seethe at me, at least for a few seconds, but that did nothing to still my intrigue. I let Pinkie's slime get away from me. I wasn't letting Sweetie's. I had to see what that ice cream could do, no matter what the cost.

I placed my hands to the ground, resuming my quadrupedal stance and raised my hand to furtively scoop up a bit of the stray sludge while Pinkie was distracted with pretending to pet me.

"Uh, Diamond?" Sweetie said, playing security alarm to my otherwise perfect stealth mission.

"Oh dear," Diamondback said in response, clearly revelling in interrupting me.

Pinkie opened her eyes, jerking away from my hand with the urgency of a tourist spotting a whale. She puffed her cheeks out as she struggled to fight the ice cream's control over her.

"Young lady, don't make any sudden movements." Diamondback said like she was resolving a hostage situation. "I think Mork wants that ice cream you're wearing."

Pinkie's pupils shrank as she glanced over to the witch before focusing back on me. Her smile was gone, her mouth instead forming a cross between horror and disgust. She held perfectly still, not even trembling as she had done that morning. Clearly I was losing my hold over her.

Seizing the moment, I lunged forward again and dug my left hand across the top of her hair, managing to scoop a small glob of the slime right off her scalp as she tried to duck under my swing. I looked closely at it sitting in my hand, admiring it like it was a genuine superweapon. I felt no tingling sensation, which meant magic had no cards on this table. I smiled, shut my eyes, and splashed the white goo onto my forehead, waiting to feel its effects kick in.

Ten seconds passed, and I felt no desire to compliment anyone and only my regular compulsive urge to fake a smile. I opened one eye to see Pinkie looking at me like I had just rubbed actual ice cream on my face. Sweetie had peeked out from behind Diamondback's leg, and both of them were giving me confused looks as well.

I figured I hadn't used enough to affect me, so I turned back to Pinkie for a second scoop. The second my eyes fell on her, Pinkie brought her hoof to her head and rapidly attempted to fling off the ice cream on her head. Clearly she wanted to be able to yell at me again, so I decided to help her out. I reached to the top of her hair again, grabbing onto it as I tried to collect as much of the white sludge as possible. Unfortunately, I neglected to take her actual hair into consideration and clamped it all the way to the roots. As I pulled up, the hair was violently tugged along with it, and she was jerked right off the ground.

Realizing my mistake, I let go of her mane, but the slime stuck to my hand like freshly chewed gum, causing her to dangle down like a spider on its web.

"Put me down!" she yelled, flailing her legs a few inches away from my face.

"Mork, let go of that filly this instant!" Diamondback said.

"Mork mork!" I insisted, waving my arm up and down as I tried to shake her off.

The slime gave way and Pinkie fell to the ground face-first. I looked at my hand again, smiling at the intense thickness of the slime I'd managed to collect amidst the scattered curls of purple hair.

I looked down at Pinkie as she slowly raised her head. Most of the ice cream had fallen off her head, only the parts covering her body and tail still remaining. She was shaking again, but not for any reasons of terror. She stared up at me with a magnificent display of mordant anger, somehow managing to surpass her expression from this morning. It was another perfect opportunity for her to use her true powers against me.

"Hey, creep, you having fun?"

Yeah, I thought not.

Before I had time to blink, a spectrum of color collided into my abdomen, sending me hurtling past my less furious spectators and slamming into one of the large rocks scattered across the plains. Unlike the rock I crashed into upon my arrival, this one was very uncomfortable. The birds circled my head as I peeled myself off the rock's surface and slumped onto the ground.

"Rainbow Dash, what are you doing here?" Diamondback asked, her voice sounding distant like she was trapped in an air chamber.

"I got your message," the new voice replied. "Came up here for a 'picnic', huh? Don't worry. I've got this."

I regained my senses and my crawling stance as I caught sight of the newcomer. I was finally face to face with the infamous Rainbow Dash I kept hearing about, and given how fondly she'd been described by Twilight and the like, it came as no shock that she was an ally to the carrot. Shame, her sky-burning power sounded interesting too.

Rainbow was mostly blue with hair greatly befitting her name. She was hovering in the air, boasting a pair of wings that Fluttershy never bothered to show off. More interesting, though, was her intro theme. It was energizing, heavy on the trumpets, with a strong beat that would have had my roommate playing the air drums. There was no mistaking it. Her intro theme was battle music.

"Has anypony ever told you how awesome you are?" Pinkie asked, admiringly gazing up at the flying horse.

"It's come up once or twice," Rainbow replied, pridefully slicking her hair back.

"I thought you said even you could fly faster than she could," Sweetie said, Rainbow giving her a curious look.

"Rainbow, what are you doing here?" Diamondback asked. "And what happened to your..." She looked to her sisters, unable to finish her sentence.

"Tell ya in a sec," Rainbow said, turning back to me. "I've gotta teach Fortnight here a lesson first."

Good, because I have a passion for learning.

"Fortnight?" Diamondback asked. "Rainbow Dash, don't tell me you think Mork is the one who—"

Reaching into my hammerspace, I pulled out my trusty mallet, rising up onto two legs and smirking with anticipation as I held my weapon at my waist.

"I didn't know Mork could stand up like that," Diamondback said, placing her hoof to her mouth.

"Where was he keeping that hammer?" Sweetie asked, looking more confused than scared.

Ah, the ignorance of youth.

"So you wanna fight, huh?" Rainbow asked, dropping to the ground as she leered at me, the others backing off. "Okay, chump, try and hit me just once."

Before I had time to mirror her leer, I was lying on my back again. As I leaned forward to stand back up, something smacked me in the back of the head, and I came to realize how salty the dirt tasted.

I see we're not taking turns.

Rainbow's speed stat was as close to maxed out as I could imagine, and she crashed into me from all directions like a bouncing electron despite Diamondback's weak-willed protests. Sweetie had her helmet over her eyes and was ducking to the ground while Pinkie seemed all too interested, waving a pennant in superficial support of Rainbow Dash's barrage. After I took eighteen hits and a spit to the eye from the flying rhino, a decently relevant question popped up in my head.

Do I even know how to fight?

I was knocked onto my back again and decided to take a moment to catch my breath and let my daze halo subside. She had mostly hit me in the head, but my sides were exhaustively sore and my watch was throbbing like crazy. It was probably broken.

"You never mentioned being a wimp in your letter," she said, lording over me from the sky. "Where's all that power you were bragging about?"

"Rainbow Dash, stop this!" Diamondback said, standing in front of me like a shield. "You don't know what you're doing!"

"What I'm doing is saving Equestria," Rainbow pointed down at me. "And I'll stop as soon as this thing gives back what it stole."

Diamondback turned her head and looked down at me, giving me the most devious look I could imagine. It was a perfect imitation of the concerned look of potential disappointment my mother gave when she wouldn't take mistruths for an answer.

Fine, I haven't seen any bottomless pits anyway.

I sat up and pulled out my umbrella hat, begrudgingly placing it onto Diamondback's head in aggravated silence.

"Is that my..." Diamondback backed away from me, looking too upset for someone that was supposed to despise me. "Mork, I thought that you...how could you?"

Rainbow flew right in front of my face, poking my nose with her hoof. "That's not what I meant and you know it! Now cough it up, Hammer Head, or do we need to go to round two?"

A pair of horizontal black rectangles shrouded the edges of my vision. I clenched tightly to my hammer, glued to my hand by Sweetie's slime, and used the rest of my remaining strength to drag it off the ground and drive it squarely across Rainbow's cheek. It was a beautiful hit, sending her sailing into the ground and sliding across it as if imitating my own unseemly pummeling. It had to have done at least a fourth of her health in damage.

Rainbow rose back to her hooves, shook off her daze halo, and glared back at me. "All right then," she said, cracking her neck. She soared up high, eradicating a few clouds on her way up until she came to a stop at a point where she looked like a star in the evening sky.

Wondering what she was up to, I looked to the peanut gallery. Diamondback was apprehensively looking up at Rainbow, sliding Sweetie's helmet over her eyes, though the vanilla filly was sneaking a look up as well. Pinkie, on the other hand, had her eyes on me, and her expression was that of a caged lion finding the key. She was waving her hoof at me as if to say "good-bye."

See that, Diamondback? That's how you hate someone.

Pinkie's clue was all I needed to figure out Rainbow's intentions. I looked back up to see the blue pegasus making a perfect vertical descent, her hair leaving a vibrant trail of color in her wake. Her finishing move was locked on target, and my window of counterattack looked very narrow.

My timing was completely thrown off, I could barely lift my left arm, and my odds of survival grew even slimmer as Rainbow hit her maximum speed, releasing a rainbow-colored shockwave that tried to knock me off balance. However, I struggled to stand my ground against it, putting all my weight and force of will to hold my position. It was then that a very mild force tapped me in the chest, sending me tumbling out of the way of her impact and bringing our engaging music to an end. Rainbow skidded to a stop, ending her attack right above source of my loss of equilibrium.

"Fluttershy, what's your problem?" Rainbow asked. "I almost rammed you by mistake."

"What's my problem?" Fluttershy asked, using her wings for the first time to fly about an inch above Rainbow's head. "Look what you've done to poor, defenseless Mork." She grabbed Rainbow by the cheeks and turned her to face me.

"Defenseless?" Rainbow replied, pushing Fluttershy away and pointing to the red mark on her cheek. "Tell that to the giant hammer that thing's holding."

Fluttershy tenderly glanced in my direction. "Mork, would you please put down that—mushroom!" She zoomed over to me with the urgency of one of Rainbow's charges, ripping my power-up out of my mouth by the stalk. "Bad Mork!" she said, tossing the mushroom away. "That could have been poisonous."

I thought green ones were extra lives.

"Fluttershy, what are you doing?" Rainbow said, still leering at me. "Don't you get it? That's the monster that wrote that letter from last week."

"Mork is not a monster," Fluttershy replied, as loudly as one would expect. "And he didn't come here to steal anything."

"About that," Diamondback said, gingerly stepping forward. "I don't think our friend Mork's criminal record is as clean as we thought."

"What?" Fluttershy asked. "What do you mean?"

"He's a hat thief," Sweetie said, pointing to Diamondback's head as her eyes narrowed. "And a cake hog."

"Don't forget total psychopath," Pinkie said, scowling at me again. "That thing tried to rip my head off."

Fluttershy held silent for a moment, turning back to me and giving me the exact same sinisterly concerned look that Diamondback gave me not a minute ago. She stared right through me like a garden gnome until finally placing her hoof to her chest and motioning as if she were ripping something off it.

Diamondback and Rainbow jumped. "Fluttershy," Rainbow said in a state of panic, "what are you—"

"I want to see how much of a monster Mork really is." Fluttershy raised her hoof to me like she was offering me some feed, once again looking me right in the eyes.

I stared at her empty hoof, looking at it from the front and sides to see what I was missing. There clearly wasn't anything on it, so I could only assume she wanted me to perform the age-old 'shake' trick of to prove my civility.

Her gaze took control of my arm as I reached out to touch her hoof, recoiling as I made contact with the cold, smooth texture of her skin. What I felt wasn't carbon-based. It was metallic.

"There, you see?" Fluttershy asked, looking to her friends.

"What was that supposed to prove?" Pinkie asked. "That it's afraid of your hoof?"

"Yeah, I don't buy it, Fluttershy," Rainbow said. "How do we know it's not just an act?"

Diamondback looked at me closely. "Princess Celestia did tell us that he wasn't dangerous."

Are there no limits to that tyrant's condescension?

"The princess said that about this thing?" Pinkie asked. "I'd like to see her say that with ice cream in her mane." She turned to Rainbow. "Hit it again."

"My pleasure," Rainbow replied with a smile, charging at me again.

Fluttershy preemptively jumped in front of her. "No, no more hitting. No more fighting."

Spoilsport.

"What are you, this thing's mommy?" Pinkie asked, shifting her gaze to Fluttershy. "Why don't you just send it back to the Everfree Forest where it belongs?"

"I would never," Fluttershy said, grabbing my neck and squeezing my eyes out. "Mork didn't come from that scary place. He wouldn't last even one day in there."

Apparently, the blood of Celestia runs thick in pink-haired cyborgs.

"He didn't?" Sweetie asked. "Where did he come from then?" The two fillies and Rainbow looked expectantly at the two other mares, an aura of uncomfortable silence encompassing both of them.

Eventually, Diamondback spoke up, "You know what? Perhaps I can come back some other time to find the rest of the gems I need. Why don't we all head back to Ponyville?" She eyed Pinkie, Sweetie and me. "You three look like you could use some rinsing off."

Wait a second. You mean I failed my digging quest? That's unacceptable. I didn't spend all this time throwing dirt around and playing servant to a witch to mess up my first supernatural objective. I'm not losing this. I refuse.

I looked around the plain, spotting my beloved applesauce-marshmallow cake about ten feet away. I stretched my arms over to it, pulling it back over and shoving it into my mouth. It was almost too good to swallow, but I had something to prove.

"Don't worry," Diamondback said, no doubt stopping an attacking Rainbow Dash. "Mork just wanted his cake."

The sweet combination of my power food and the greatest confection ever spawned slid down my throat, and I accepted my burst of enhanced energy with a septuple backflip that ended with me spinning like a hyperactive saw blade and drilling into the ground.

“Is something wrong with Mork, or is that what he normally does when he eats cake?” I heard Sweetie ask as I struck something a few miles down. It was dark, and I wasn’t a geologist, but whatever I hit was huge and polygonal. That was good enough for me.

Shooting back up to the surface with the full force of my power food, I leapt out of the hole with the enormous gemstone in my hands and slammed it down in front of Diamondback’s doubting face, perching myself on top of it to deliver a victorious, self-asserting 'mork'.

My find was acknowledged by the stunning acclamation a fast food vendor would receive after cleaning a sink. It was as if I had entered a silent movie with all the cast members staring at some schlub that had told a terribly inappropriate joke, only instead of a schlub it was me.

The silence was ripped in half by a deafening gleeful scream from Diamondback as the rest of us engaged in a collective ear protection ceremony. She threw herself against the gem, hugging onto it like it was one of her long lost relatives and childishly giggling as if she'd just turned an entire village into paper dolls.

Pinkie had the face of a peasant at the royal banquet table. "Is—is that a..."

"It is!" Diamondback squealed, backing away from the gem to gaze up at it. "A pink diamond! I never thought I'd see one with my own eyes, let alone one of this size. And it's the perfect springtime color to complement that pesky orange fabric." She stopped for a breath as she pondered something. "Oh, if only I could break off a piece of it. How am I ever supposed to use it in my designs?"

A bonus objective, huh? Extra experience never hurts.

I stood up on two legs and raised my mallet high into the air, crashing it into the shiny rock before Rainbow had a chance to tackle me. The crash sent a booming, metallic echo across the rocky plains as my theme music came to an end.

I jumped off the gemstone and looked at my hammer, making sure I hadn't dented it or anything. I heard Pinkie snicker and looked up to see everyone still staring at me like I brought a documentary to the movie marathon.

"Mork," Diamondback said, trying not to laugh herself, "I appreciate the help, but hitting it with a hammer is not going to—"

A crack appeared at the jewel's apex, causing a uniform gasp throughout the group. It spawned a network of additional cracks that trailed along the exterior like the jewel was a hatching egg. Once the cracks encompassed the entire gem, it shattered like glass into hundreds of tiny shards that fell into a pile, a stray piece bouncing off Pinkie’s head as they rained down. Diamondback's false smile came back as she silently removed her hat and placed it on my head.

"Mork," Fluttershy said, approaching me more cautiously than normal, "please don't hit anypony else with your hammer."

The owl had led the filly and dragon out of town and up a winding, mountainous path. The rocky road made it difficult for Scootaloo to keep her speed up, but she managed to pull it off despite the extra weight.

“If I could fly up there, that bird would be totally in for it,” Scootaloo said, keeping her eyes deadlocked on the bird.

“If I could fly up there, that bird would be dinner,” Spike said, watching the bird about as fervently.

“Aren’t owls supposed to sleep during the day?” Scootaloo asked.

“That’s what I heard. Why don’t you tell her that? Maybe she’ll go to sleep. I know that’s what I want to do.”

Scootaloo glowered, turning an eye back to Spike. “How can you think about sleep at at time like this? If we don’t get that necklace back, Equestria’s as good as doomed.”

“I know, I know," Spike said, rubbing his left eye. "I haven't much sleep lately, okay?”

“Well, you can sleep all you want after we stop that monster."

“If you say so, Twilight.” Spike rolled his eyes, looking back at the bird. “Can’t you go any faster?”

“Well, I didn’t want to kick you off, but if you insist.”

“Haha, very funny. You know you can't do this by yourself. What if the owl dropped it or something? You wouldn’t even know.”

“If the owl was gonna drop it, shouldn’t she have dropped it by now?”

“We don't know—" Spike’s argument was interrupted by a high-pitched scream from off in the distance. “That’s Rarity’s scream! I’d recognize that anywhere.”

“Don’t punk out on me now, Spike. Rainbow Dash is counting on me, and I’m not gonna—” Scootaloo came to a stop as she noticed the plush Spike doll that was riding on her scooter in place of the real thing.

“Spike!” she shouted angrily, hearing a distinct hoot from above in response. She looked up to see the white bird hovering above her, its talons still clutching onto something even though she couldn’t tell what. “Get back here, you!” she shouted, kicking the dragon doll off her vehicle as she continued chasing the bird up the rocky slope.

Spike ran back down the sloped path, evading every plant and rock that could potentially cause him to stumble, his thoughts consumed by the potential danger Rarity had fallen into. He heard a loud, clamorous thunk that rang through his ears as he slid down the cliffside that descended into an arid sea of rock and dirt.

His apprehension rising, he surveyed the plain, quickly spotting the enchanting mare a couple yards away. She was standing next to a delicious pile of pink gemstones, gathering them into a picnic basket in the company of her sister, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy. However, none of them seemed to be paying any mind to the monstrosity that was standing beside them all. It was a tall, spindly-looking creature standing on its hind legs, wearing an umbrella on its head and holding a blue hammer in its mitts, looking like it was poised to strike at any moment.

Spike didn’t hesitate. With the loud exclamation of ‘Get away from her!’, he madly charged forward, yelling wildly in an attempt to replace his rising fear with reckless courage.

All of them turned to see the dragon's approach, the monster smiling mischievously as it caught sight of him. It pried the hammer off the white goop on its hand, tossed it aside, and mirrored Spike's charge. Having nothing to back up his attack, Spike screeched to a stop as the creature collided with him, a large cloud of dust forming as the two fell into a skirmish. The scuffle concluded as Spike was sent flying out of the dust cloud, sliding upside-down into the pile of gems.

"Spike!" Rarity shouted, dropping her picnic basket.

"Are you all right?" Sweetie Belle asked, rushing up beside him.

"I think so. What is that thing?" Spike asked, rubbing his head as he stood back up.

"It's dead meat, that's what it is," Rainbow Dash said, flying forward to counterattack before something pulled her to a halt.

"Raimmo Dash, wait!" Fluttershy said, slowly being dragged forward as she clenched onto Rainbow's tail. "It's not what you think."

"Yeah, right." Rainbow pointed to the fading dust cloud. "I told you that thing stole my necklace. Just look at it's face. It'll tell you all you need to know."

The monster emerged from the cloud of dust. He was smiling triumphantly as if he'd just bowled a strike, and he held up two of his digits, flashing a peace sign at the six of them.

"What are you so happy about?" Rainbow scathingly asked, trying to decipher the creature's odd pose.

Its smile faded, and a confused look appeared on its face. It looked at its peace sign from both sides, inspecting it closely as it dug into its ear with its other hand. Eventually, it looked back to Spike, a look of realization spawning on its face before resuming its devious smile. It lowered itself to the ground and dug at the dirt like an angry bull.

"Mork, stop!" Fluttershy shouted, losing her grip on Rainbow's tail. "Spike wasn't trying to hurt you! Honest!"

Fluttershy's protests didn't register, though, and Mork pushed forward, charging in for another go at Spike. However, his second attempt was much less successful than his first, as he suddenly toppled over, somersaulting forward. Rainbow and Fluttershy had to dodge out of the way as he rolled past them, his hat flying off as he landed face-down at Spike's feet.

"Uh, nice to meet you too, Mork," Spike said, grabbing the creature's gloved claw off the ground and shaking it.

Mork pulled his face off the ground and looked back to his shoes to see one of them had been completely untied. He leaned onto one knee as he went to tie it, but stopped to look up at his captive audience. He placed one of his claws over the other as if to make a capital 'T', and then resumed his shoe-tying.

"Uh, did Mork just call a time-out?" Rainbow asked.

Mork paused, jerking his neck back up like Rainbow had just grown a horn on her leg. He cautiously made his 'T' symbol again, this time placing the other glove on top. Looking at his gloves in confusion, he started frantically slamming the one over the other in rapid succession like it was a lamp that wouldn't turn on. Over time, he gave up on his symbol and transitioned to frantically slamming his gloves together like he was clapping, causing them to stick together from the white goop.

"Rainbow, did you say this Mork thing stole your necklace?" Spike asked.

"Yeah, why?" Rainbow asked.

"Because I think there's something you should—whoa." Spike looked up in shock.

Rainbow turned to see what he was looking at only to find a large, white cloud forming above Mork's head. It resembled one of the clouds Rainbow cleared from the sky on a regular basis, though when Rainbow went to touch it, her hoof passed right through.

"Diamond, come here. You've gotta see this," Sweetie said in awe, averting Diamond Tiara's resolute enthrallment in the pile of gemstones.

As Diamond came over, the image of a creature resembling Mork appeared inside the cloud. It looked a bit older than Mork, having an orange beard in addition to the hair on its head. It stood on two legs, wearing glasses and a tie in addition to the clothing Mork wore, and it had a pipe in its mouth, which it removed as it performed an action that Mork had never once done before: speak.

"They're called the three lifeline signs, son. They're the most basic thing you need to know if you're serious about having an encounter.. The first is called the victory sign." He held up his two gloved digits just as Mork had earlier. "Use this one after winning a battle or finding an important item. It cues your victory music and takes you back to the overworld."

"Wow, really?" Sweetie asked, looking at her hoof. "I wish I could do that."

"The second is the pause sign." He placed his gloves over each other to make Mork's capital 'T' signal. "Use this one if you need to take a break. It'll pause everything around you until you make the sign again."

"You were trying to pause us?" Rainbow asked an unresponsive Mork who was staring at the rocky soil. "What does that even mean?"

"Then, there's the reset sign." He raised his glove, snapped his finger, and touched it to his forehead. "Be extra careful with this one. It'll take you back to your last save point, and you'll lose all your unsaved progress. Don't use it unless you clip through the floor or everything turns green and disorienting."

Mork slowly raised his hand, and hesitantly mimicked the creature's actions, snapping his finger and touching his forehead as he pinched his eyes tightly. He opened one eye, glanced around, then shut it again.

"Remember," the Mork-like creature continued, "these only work in encounters. You can't use them in school to cheat on exams." He laughed, placing the pipe back in his mouth to blow some bubbles out of it.

"Mork, what is this cloud?" Rarity asked as Rainbow tried poking the cloud again. "Is this creature your father? Where did he come from?"

"Would you look at that?" the cloud-living creature said, leaning out of the cloud to look at Rainbow as she jerked away. "They letting flying horses in your college now, son? I tell you, times have changed. In my day, the only animals smart enough to get into a university were dolphins and—"

The cloud popped into nothing as Mork reached up and poked it with his finger, the figure inside it disappearing along with it.

"You're not just a freak," Diamond said, backing away. "You're the whole circus."

"All right, spill it," Rainbow said, flying right above Mork's head as he apathetically licked his hand. "What was that cloud guy talking about? What's an encounter?"

Mork remained silent at first to Rainbow's demand. Then he started chuckling softly, keeping his head down. His laughter started to increase as he looked back up, his eyes looking crazed and bloodshot. His laughter got louder, sounding more deranged and uncontrolled as he fell onto his back, laughing like a raving lunatic. Then, with just as much warning, his manic laughter turned into wild sobbing, his tears shooting out sideways from his closed eyes as if they were coming out his ears.

"Rainbow, now look what you've done," Rarity shouted over the rushing waters, holding her umbrella hat in front of her like a shield. "You made Mork cry."

"Hey, knock it off!" Rainbow said to her leaking adversary. "You're making me look bad here."

"That's no way to make somepony stop crying," Fluttershy said, walking up beside one of the tear geysers. "There, there, Mork. It's okay. Rainbow didn't mean to upset you." Mork opened one eye, shooting out a third gusher of water that sent Fluttershy flying backward.

"Rarity, I thought you said to hug ponies when they're sad," Sweetie said, also hiding behind the umbrella hat.

"Yes, well, let's call this an exception to the rule," Rarity replied, watching Fluttershy shake herself dry.

"Forget the hug," Rainbow said, shielding her face with her hoof. "Somepony just make him stop before he floods the whole canyon."

As Rainbow finished her sentence, the tears stopped flowing and all grew silent. Everyone carefully looked over to see a soaked Diamond Tiara glowering at him, a green mushroom shoved into his mouth. "Crybaby," she muttered, turning away as he swallowed the mushroom before Fluttershy could intervene.

"So, Spike," Rainbow said, bouncing off the momentary silence, "what were you saying about my necklace?"

Spike looked up with a mouthful of diamonds, swallowing them to reply. "This Mork guy didn't take it. It was Fluttershy's—"

"Rarity!" a voice suddenly called that made Rainbow jump.

"Don't say a word," Rainbow said to Spike with a fiercely narrowed gaze before soaring away, disappearing into the sky in a quick burst of color.

"There you are!" Twilight said, sprinting onto the scene. "Please tell me everything's okay."

"Twilight!" Spike said, dropping his gemstones as he ran up to her. "I'm so glad I found you!"

Twilight turned back to Rarity as Spike embraced her. "You brought Mork and Spike out here to help you dig up gems?" She winced as she brought her hoof to her head.

"Twilight, I can explain," Rarity said.

"You can explain when we get back to town," Twilight said, her hoof still glued to her forehead. "I can't believe you'd take advantage of Mork like this. I'm really disappointed in you."

"Do you need an aspirin, Twilight?" Spike asked, looking up at her.

"I'm fine," Twilight quickly said, setting her hoof back on the ground.

"Mork didn't mind at all. Did you, Mork?" Rarity asked, receiving no response. "Mork?"

"I don't think Mork looks so good," Sweetie said, trying to shake Mork awake. Fluttershy was standing beside her in an instant.

"Rarity, what happened?" Twilight said, rushing up beside the rest of them. "Don't tell me Mork passed out again."

"I'll be here if you need me," Spike said, turning back to the pile of gems.

"I don't think it's the same thing, Twilight," Fluttershy said as she grabbed the slack, swollen tongue that hung out of his mouth, noting the large, green spots that covered it.

"Uh, Diamond, I think you poisoned Mork," Sweetie Belle said, grabbing the three mares' attention.

Diamond looked up from wringing out her tail as four pairs of eyes transfixed on her. She took a moment to form her response before saying, "It's not like it's a big loss, though, right?"

"Pinkie, this is pitiful." Filthy Rich pushed the single balloon off the dining room table as he sat in his chair. "Even I can tell how lame this party is."

"That's because you gave me nothing to work with, Filthy," Pinkie said, hopping down from the stepladder. "No banner, no music, no presents, no pie-eating contest, why didn't you just throw her a staff meeting?"

"I wanted to keep it casual, Pinkie. This is just depressing." He extended a hoof to his right. "There's literally a dying puppet in the corner."

"Filthy, not in front of the children," Pinkie whispered, holding up a boy and girl moose puppet on her front hooves. "They think he's on vacation with Princess Luna."

Filthy turned away. "Sorry, Pinkie, I guess I should be nicer to the only guests that decided to show up."

"They weren't the only ones," Pinkie said, pointing to her pet on the table. "Gummy remembered to come."

"Oh, yes, how silly of me to forget." He lowered his chin to be at eye level with the alligator. "I suppose you'll be my daughter's first date as well?" Gummy blinked in response.

"Aw, they'd be so cute together." Pinkie giggled as a bell went off from the next room, grabbing her attention. "Ooh! My cake's done!" She disappeared into the kitchen, bursting back into the room on her hind legs with a bright pink, triple-layered cake in her hooves. Diamond's cutie mark had been scrawled on it in blue frosting.

Filthy's mouth fell open. "Pinkie, I said you could make her a cake, not a new house!"

Pinkie staggered forward and set the cake onto the table. "I thought she'd be upset that not many ponies came, so I made her a bigger cake to make up for it."

Filthy took a second to process Pinkie's words before a scowl appeared on his face. "Sure!" he shouted, suddenly rising up in his chair. "Because that will fix everything! She has no friends, so let's stuff her full of cake and she'll be just fine!"

Pinkie flinched at Filthy's response, quickly recovering her cheerful demeanor. "I didn't mean it like that. I just wanted to make her—"

"Smile!" Filthy jumped out of his chair, wincing slightly as he hit the ground. "That's all it comes down to, isn't it? You just want her to smile!"

Pinkie had to back away from Filthy's approach, trying to laugh. "Gosh, Filthy, you say that like it's a bad thing."

"Oh, no, why would I say that?" Filthy said sarcastically, his tone still harsh. "After all, as long as there's a smile on her face, it means I'm a good dad. Isn't that right?" He shoved his hoof against the wall that he had backed Pinkie into, taking the mare's smile away with his forcefulness.

"Uh..." Pinkie's eyes jumped around.

Filthy took his hoof off the wall and exasperatedly stormed back toward the table. "Well, then clearly I've been doing this parenting thing all wrong. Diamond doesn't need punishment. Or discipline. Or rules. She just needs giant cakes. That's what makes her smile!"

"I didn't mean to—"

"It's all so simple!" Filthy said, pacing beside the table as he angrily stared up at the cake. "If Diamond's ever sad, I don't need to ask her why or give her advice. I'll just buy her a new outfit!"

"But Filthy, Dimey wouldn't want you to—"

"Hey, Gummy," Filthy said, his rage growing as he turned to the alligator on the table. "Diamond just sprained her ankle. Should she wear a cast for a week? No, wait! I know! I'll get her a dozen lollipops instead. She'll forget all about the pain." Gummy fell onto his side like a limp doll.

"Gummy, don't laugh at that!" Pinkie shouted. "That's not funny!"

Filthy put his ear to Gummy's nose. "What's that? She caught a cold? No problem. Jet ski." He set the gator back up and stared right into his eyes. "How about that, Gummy? Is that good parenting?"

"Filthy, stop! You're scaring him!" Pinkie yelled, snatching her unresponsive pet off the table.

"You know what I think?" Filthy asked, getting up on the table. "I think it's good that she has a little frown on her face once in awhile. Because if she didn't, I'd never know when something was wrong. If my daughter's happy, that's great, but I don't believe for one second that's all I should care about. I don't want her to be sad, I don't want her to be miserable, but if all I'm interested in is making her smile, then I'm no better of a dad than this lousy cake!" He stomped his hoof, causing the entire dining room table to shake. The cake's massive weight caused it to topple right onto him, coating him in an avalanche of sweet bread and frosting.

Filthy popped his head out from the wreckage, finding Pinkie, Gummy, and Mr. Happy all absent. He looked to his right to find a tape recorder on the table beside him. "You know, Filthy," Pinkie's voice said as the tape started playing, "maybe now's not the best time for a party after all. Tell Dimey I said 'hi'! I'll see you tomorrow!"

Filthy irritatedly knocked the tape recorder off the table as he pulled himself out of the cake, lamenting his aching back as he looked over his messy coat and clothing. It was then that he heard a gasp that brought his attention to the dining room's front entrance. He turned to see his daughter uncomfortably staring up at him, her mane flat and her tail flaccid.

"Are you making fun of me?" Diamond asked with a raise of her eyebrow.

Filthy frowned as he glanced over himself and the mess he'd made, looking back at her sheepishly. "I don't suppose you'd want a piece?"

Diamond's stomach growled before she could voice a response. "You didn't bathe in all of it, did you?"

Filthy chuckled as he slid off the table. "I'm sure there's a few good pieces left. Why don't you look for one? I've got to go take a—" He stopped, looking back at the cake and then at his daughter. "Actually, the shower can wait." He pulled out a chair and sat down, offering her the seat next to him. "I want to hear about your day."

"My day?" Diamond asked, taking a seat beside him. "What about it?"

"For starters, I see you've got a new look," Filthy said as his daughter leaned up on the table to find a suitable piece of cake. "You walk under a bad rain cloud?"

"I wish," she said, shuddering slightly at the thought. "Promise me you won't bring any more stray animals into our house ever again."

"Mork again?" He chuckled. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think you two were friends."

Diamond sneered as she grabbed hold of a well-frosted lump of cake, dropping it onto a plate in front of her. "My friends don't belong in a zoo."

"I suppose," Filthy said, grabbing a napkin off the table and wiping the frosting off his nose. "That reminds me, Silver Spoon stopped by this afternoon. Is there something going on between you two?"

"Not at all. Why?"

"She just looked a bit upset was all, like something was bothering her."

"She was probably still jumpy from seeing our resident monster run by the school this morning. The whole class was freaking out about it all day." She snickered to herself as she held up a small, pink gemstone to look it over in the light. "I'd like to have seen them face it like I did."

"Is that a pink diamond?" he asked. "I haven't seen many of those. Where'd you get it?"

"Oh, uh, it was a gift. My new friend gave it to me."

Filthy stayed his hoof. "Whoa now, hang on a second. You made a new friend?"

"What's with the tone? I make friends all the time." She picked up the cake piece, eating the entire thing in one bite.

"Oh, uh, right, of course," Filthy said as he pulled on his tie. "It's just that they usually don't give you such nice presents."

Diamond swallowed as she looked at her diamond. "We have been getting along pretty well so far, but I think I need to step up my game. She wanted to hang out with her friends tomorrow, so I said I'd join her."

"Oh, I see," Filthy said, rubbing the top of her flattened mane. "Sounds like someone finally wants their tiara back."

"Dad!" Diamond said, trying not to laugh. "You're getting cake in my mane,"

Filthy gave her a devious grin. "I'm sorry. I thought you liked wearing dessert."

"I knew it," Diamond said, mirroring her dad's smirk. "You are making fun of me."

The two laughed as Diamond turned her attention back to the cake. Filthy continued wiping his face off as he tried to keep himself in his chair. His punishment had finally made her smile. By taking away her tiara, she had found a new friend, and from the sound of it, that was just the beginning. This was everything he was hoping to get from this punishment. Diamond was finally waking up from her dream world and starting to act like the gem she was destined to be. Now there was only one thing she was missing.

“So, Dad," Diamond said, setting her diamond on the table after grabbing her third piece of cake, "wasn’t there something you said we needed to discuss?”

Filthy tore himself from his thoughts to see his daughter looking up at him with curiously attentive eyes. He smiled at her. “I was thinking about something. Since tomorrow's a holiday and your mother won't be back until Thursday, do you want to do something together? Just the two of us?”

Diamond looked her dad over and swallowed her mouthful of cake. “Only if you take a shower first.”

You all knew, didn’t you? You all just watched me make a fool out of myself without even sparing me a hint. I know I can’t hear you, but couldn’t you have at least thrown things? How about a big sign saying ‘You’re not in a supernatural world, pumpernickel brain!’

I woke up from my fungus-induced coma on a thin mat with a round ice pack on my forehead and a soft blanket wrapped around me. The room was dark with only a nearby window providing any light, and the moonlight was a crude replacement to its diurnal counterpart.

Hearing a light sigh, I turned to my side to find Fluttershy a few centimeters away from my face. Her eyes were closed, her head was resting on a thick book, and she had my hammer wrapped around her hoof. I didn't want to risk waking her up, so I let my hammer alone for the moment. My watch was broken, so I had no idea what time it was, but given the color of the sky and all the energy being drained from my body, I figured it was time for me to go to sleep as well.

That meant it was time to go brush my teeth.

It was a compulsion, not an obsession, and I wasn't about to neglect it two nights in a row. Removing my icy hat, I slid out of my covers and tiptoed past Fluttershy, feeling my way around the room in search of a sink or a bathroom. In the meantime, my brain had plenty of time to remind me of the loveliness that was this second consecutive Monday.

I have no visible health bar, there's no option to make the audio monophonic, and not one of these horses ever asked me if I wanted them to repeat anything. This isn't an encounter. It's a crossover. I'm in another world, yes, but it isn't a supernatural one. It's just a different one.

I should have known. I should have known from the very beginning. Twilight's balloon trick had bejeepers written all over it, Diamondback's gem detecting was so obviously magic-based, and cyborg surgery is actually a standard procedure among celebrities. I knew this world was just as boring as mine. I just refused to believe it would stay that way. Though, in my defense, the ice cream clothing fad wasn't exactly telling me any different.

The only thing supernatural about this world is how blind I was to its normalcy, and it wasn't even the world trying to trick me. It was just confirmation bias wrapping its ugly talons around my psyche. My mind wanted to believe I was in a supernatural world, and everything I saw simply became evidence to support that theory. The thought that I could be wrong never even crossed my mind.

Maybe some magic did seep through. Maybe I have gone crazy. Maybe Reed Page really is my best friend. In any case, it doesn't matter. This is my loss. I threw psychology away, and it did the same to me. I've been defeated by my own mind. Also, everyone on this planet probably thinks I'm an absolute freak.

As I finally found a room with a sink, I kept the light off to prevent every pony in the nearest three biomes from storming in and asking me an endless stream of questions that I was in no mood to answer. Especially with them believing me capable of my dad's manner of speech.

I yanked out my toothbrush, its green hue mocking me as it reflected in the moonlight. Then as I located the toothpaste, something else of relevance occurred to me: I still had no spare toothbrush.

Tomorrow. I'll deal with it tomorrow.