The Nut House

by Eri_166

Rating: mature
Tags: Profanity, Princess Celestia, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Drama, Spike, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 2018

Twilight attempts to combat evil by using political means and swear words instead of magic

Ever wondered what My Little Pony would be like if it was set inside the political jungle that is the British Government? No? Well, too bad cause I’m making one anyways. Twilight had just been appointed as the new (and entirely fictional) Minister of Cooperation and Ministerial Affairs serving under the cabinet of the Right Honorable Prime Minister Celestia. She is also accompanied by her trusted senior adviser, Spike , and (not so) trusted but mighty practical junior adviser, Pinkie Pie, along with Communications Officer Applejack who always seems to know everything and nothing about what goes on in the office at the same time. And they are all kept on leash under the vengeful eye of the incredibly sardonic and foul-mouthed Director of Communications, Rainbow Dash. There will be swears and there will be (metaphorical) blood. Will Twilight be able to survive her time on the cabinet as minister? What perilous political problems will our protagonist face? Why did I even bother to make this story and more importantly why are you still reading this? The answer? Cheesecake. Not to be taken seriously (like at all).

Published 2022-01-10 21:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-01-10 21:30:00 UTC

Bits and Bollocks

There was a loud thud and high-pitched screaming echoing from the confines of the glass covered room. The door was locked shut and the curtains covered the small room from all perspectives, leaving only the smallest gaps in-between that even a hawk would find it hard to peek through. Everyone was minding their business, as usual, typing into their keyboards and blankly staring into the endless vacuous abyss that is their computer screens, but everybody else in the room knows of course that it was just a charade. They were pretending to keep busy while their ears stood and pointed up like elves trying to listen to the poor old sob who was getting shouted into oblivion by Rainbow Dash during what everyone in the office calls "daily bollocking". Everybody was wondering what else did the minister do to incur the wrath of the devil, so much so that she decides to ambush the minister and drag her butt cheeks into her own cubicle to be given a thrashing in front of her own people.

This is madness, everyone thought, but then again, it had happened before, numerous times broadly speaking, only a few hours ago specifically speaking. This time the minister's been given a warning, which consists of sitting quietly while being hammered with swear words by Dash for a period of five or more minutes and taking it like a complete clueless dumbbell, involving her and a press shoot two days ago. She was campaigning for a local constituent, a mare who goes by the name Liam Hardin, by the orders of the none other than the Prime Minister herself, the Right and Honorable Celestia, to win good publicity for the campaign. Apparently, the minister stood in front of the wrong angle during the shoot, so instead of being photographed in front of a billboard with Liam Hardin's name on it, instead the press decided to play a smear game and wonderfully took a shot of her standing in front of the words "I am hard" like a clueless mug. Oh well, it's what the media always does, she thought in her head, it'll probably blow over in about a week's time, which is also the amount of time she'll be getting sarcastic remarks and devious snideries from Dash, the notorious Parliamentary Director of Communications, though everybody took to calling her "Devil's Dash" because nobody seems to ever expect when she's going to show up, and usually when she does there would be a trail of dread, desperation, and sighs left in her wake.

"Look, it was a mistake Dash, anyone could make that mistake and besides I’ve just been in office for, like, a week" Twilight said apologetically.

"Of course, of course, totally understand. You know what else is a mistake? You, when your parents decide to bang each other on a one-night-stand in a dilapidated motel room at the Equestria Inn after a night of heavy drinking" Dash remarked furiously whilst walking back-and-forth in a predatory manner, "It was a simple job. Stand in front of a bunch of mindless money-grabbing media morons while smiling and saying 'please vote for Liam Hardin' and then proceed to get the fuck off the premises but noooo, no, no, no, even that was too hard for you. Maybe instead of making you Minister of Cooperation and Ministerial Affairs, I should've made you Minister of Crisis and Emergency Disasters, because you seem to have a knack for making those things happen don't you?"

"It was one-time thing alright? I messed up once, besides aren't I supposed to learn from my mistakes and...and y'know grow into more mature and wise individual, y'know that sort of thing"

"Uh, no, darling. That might be the kind of stuff that they teach you in college, but here, in this government office, you make a fuck-up, then you're just that. A fuck-up in governmental office. No moral lessons to be learned there, except one thing: You. Fucked. Up" Dash charged at Twilight with all of her fury.

"Well...that uh, that was the most beautiful motivational insult I've had in my life, thank you for that".

"No problem, and don't worry, since I know you like my constant bollocking so much, I've booked a bollocking appointment tomorrow at 1.30 p.m. specially just for you. Now I've gotta bail, get your priorities straight alright?."

"So who's your next victim for today?"

"That is highly classified information on a need-to-know-basis only. Wouldn't be much of a bollocking if they knew I was coming now would it? Now I’m gonna fuck off and let you continue with your forced labour sorting all this shit out"

Sadistic prick, Twilight murmured quietly as Dash left the room. Being the head of the Department of Cooperation and Ministerial Affairs obviously wasn't her first choice, nor second, not even third, but she still considered it as a serious upgrade from her former position as party leader. Even though some might consider that a position of exceptional power, she couldn't really hold any real effect on what goes on in government unless she told a nasty gossip to the press or publish some condescending papers about why the government wouldn't work. Now, she can actually do something about it with the breath of a single word or the brush of a pen across a legally contained document. She had set her goals high, sometimes too high for her own good as a matter of fact, and instantly became known as an idealist in the government office, a term that tithers on the edge of good and risk losing your job to a bunch of cynical co-workers because they don't like your policy.

Twilight buried her head amidst the piles and piles of paperwork on top of her desk, letting out a brief sigh while contemplating on the three stacks of red briefcases containing even more piles of ludicrously unnecessary paperwork. She rolled around her coffee-stained pencil with her index finger whilst thinking the various methods of suicide she could practice with it, or perhaps murder. And then there was a knock and door and there suddenly entered a dragonesque figure wearing a black suit complemented by a leather brown tie and a pencil lodged between his right ear loop.

"So how was the daily bollocking? Fun right?"

"If by 'fun' you mean getting your bum poked by a hundred sharp needles while getting your face dragged across the asphalt then yes, it was extremely fun, Spike. Not to worry about that though, because I have surprise in store for her" Twilight smirks at her dragon senior political adviser.

“I really hope your not going along with that Treasury plot you’ve been scheming for the last couple of days” said Spike in a concerned tone.

“Ok listen. First of all, it’s not a ‘plot’ ok? I’m not planning a coup d’etat, it’s just a policy that’s aimed to stop the absurd amount of spending the Treasury accrues to all of the civil servants within the department. Second, I didn’t scheme anything alright, I planned, structured, revised, and re-revised this thing for the last five days. And thirdly, the PM’s already agreed with the policy”

“You’re serious? You’re absolutely serious the PM gave you the greenlight?”

“Well, Celestia said ‘this is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing’ so basically she was saying yes, so you know…”

Spike gave a mighty curious and somewhat suspicious look at her boss. He’s been with Twilight ever since she was just standing for party leader. He knows all the in’s and out’s of the machinations of her mind like it’s a blueprint printed on the back of his hands. Every quip and every body language, he reads her like a book. He could sense something was bound to be wrong, but then again Twilight seemed so assured, like every negativity and doubt had been sucked out of her and thrown into the endless void. There was a ray of confidence coming out of the back of her head and there she radiated a sense of assuredness that absolutely, or somewhat mostly, nothing could go wrong, or at least not to a degree of a major fuck-up.

“Well, if the PM agrees, then I guess I can’t say no. So what’s our first move?” Spike asks reluctantly.

“First I need you to book an appointment for an unscheduled visit to the Canterlot University at exactly 2 p.m., and then I want you to get me Pinky Pie here pronto”

“Yes, ma’am” Spike nodded and immediately rushed towards Pinky Pie’s desk. Within mere seconds away the Pink-skinned mare arrived at the minister’s door, boasting a large smile and sunny disposition as always, despite the fact that she’s surrounded by hostile political nutjobs.

“Alright Pinky listen here” Twilight briefs her young policy adviser, “I need you to call up your ex on the Equestrian Daily and leak to her that I’ll be giving a surprise announcement on the C.U. at 2 p.m. sharp”

“2 p.m.? Isn’t a little too… I don’t know, soon?”

“Yes, that’s why I mentioned surprise in the sentence. Nothing gets media attention more like a politician about to make an unscheduled unveiling of anything. It’s like spilling blood in the water and all the sharks are coming in for an all-you-can-eat buffet” Twilight says as her mind wanders off possibly in prospect of getting on the PM’s good side or perhaps even a promotion, “and whatever you do DON’T tell Applejack about ANY of this ok?”

“About any of what?” The orange-skinned pony suddenly materialized out of thin air and peeked her head from outside the door, “What’s all this announcement and surprise I’ve been hearin’ bout, those to go hand in hand like sharks an’ spilled blood”

Twilight lets out another audibly short sight and begins to reluctanly explain the situation to her ever-so curious departmental director of communications, “We’re trying to get my… I mean our policy out into the public this afternoon and it’s gonna awesome because Celestia already approved the whole thing, so you don’t have to worry about a thing ok?”

“Alright then, If yer gonna announce yer policy later on then I guess I should mosey on down to Treasury and tell em’ about the stuff”

“NO!” Twilight, Pinky Pie, and Spike shouted in unison at Applejack’s notion, “Absolutely DO NOT tell the Treasury anything about this!”

“I appreciate you looking out for us Applejack sweetie, but if the Treasury sniffs even a molecule of air of this current meeting, they’re gonna rally the entire departments in office and gangbang us like a pack of rabbits during mating season before we even get to say a single word” Pinky Pie says in a soft not-so-sincere tone.

“But why? I mean we’re basically making a policy about them anyways” Applejack asks, dumbfounded by the whole situation.

“Because the Treasury is the big pony in government, don’t you see? Heck, they could cancel our pensions and dock our pay if they feel like it. And those civil servants are a bunch of money-grabbing, tit-sucking, A-holes that are more than willing to lick Starlight Glimmer’s ass just so they can get their lunch money which consists of a 1000 Bits medium-rare steak accompanied by a hundred-year-old alcoholic drink with a name I can’t even pronounce followed by an expensive trip to the Canterlot Opera House. Mention the Secretary of Treasury and there you have a picture of Glimmer standing above a pile of Bits and slave ponies in shackles, but mention Secretary of Cooperation and Ministerial Affairs and they’d imagine a blank white wall.” Spike said in a very long and oddly specific manner.

“Alright, alright, fine, cool yer horses. I’m gonna keep my mouth shut”

Twilight and Pinky Pie smears and swears at Applejack as she proceeds to leave the room. Several words such as ‘snooper’ and ‘mental’ or ‘crazy hack’ could be heard being murmured softly between the three left in rhe room.

“Right then everyone” Twilight commences, “let’s get this show on the road!”