When life is a curse

by Comrade Abigor

Rating: mature
Tags: Other, Suicide / Self Harm, Tragedy, Dark, Death, Alternate Universe, Twilight Sparkle, Sad, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3254

Twilight lost all her friends to time. She is tempted to join them.

Twilight did not know about this when she was turned to an alicorn. She should have seen it coming. She should have figured out on her own, just by looking at how old Celestia and Luna were. Why didn't they tell her? Why didn't her own teacher warn her about this? She could have prepared herself. Or opted not to be a princess. Why didn't they tell her that she was now cursed to mourn her loved ones forever?

Warning: This story will contain deep depression, suicidal thoughts, self harm and eventually suicide . If you are disturbed by that then do not read this.

If you are feeling suicidal then please ask for help.

This story is told from the perspective of Twilight, as she suffers the price of immortality she was not told about. Meanwhile, a little voice in her head tries to push her into doing the inevitable.

Published 2022-01-15 17:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-01-15 17:00:00 UTC

Listen to the voice

I am alone. I have been that way for a decade or so now. Or has it been centuries? I honestly can't tell at this point. All my friends. They died a long time ago. All of them due to old age. Apart from Pinkie. She was the last to go out of them five. Losing all our friends made her depressed and caused her to kill herself. Then after her followed Discord. Losing Fluttershy caused him to not see a point in being chaotic anymore. After all what point would there be in making flying,dancing teacups if your best friend is no longer there to enjoy your chaotic tea parties. So when Fluttershy died, he stopped causing chaos. He stopped doing anything chaotic. And that lead to his demise...

Being the spirit of chaos, the very thing that kept him alive was chaos. And when he himself stopped being chaotic, his very being started to fade away. I tried to help him, talk him into going back to being his old self again. But he didn't listen. Eventually he faded into nothing right before my eyes. I stayed with him till the last moment.

My brother died after. I used to always think that my big brother would be my best friend forever. But apparently forever wasn't for him. He died of old age. His funeral was on a rainy day. as if the weather was feeling my sadness. Normally when i was a little filly and i missed Shining when he had gone to school, i went to mom and dad and they would comfort me.

But they were also dead.

After Shining came Starlight. Then Trixie. Then Sunburst. Then my friends from Equestria`s university. Then Sunset.....Then Flash.... Until everyone was gone.

The students of the friendship school and the CMCs came to visit me from time to time. But soon they too were gone

Spike stood by my side the whole time. Being a dragon his life cycle was longer than that of an average pony. But soon. He too withered away in the waves of time.

And now I'm alone. Cursed to live forever and mourn the loss of my loved ones. i don't even like being a princes anymore. When my friends were alive, i could always go to them for support and help whenever my royal duties were too stressful to handle on my own. Even when i moved to Canterlot they were still in Ponyville, i could visit them at any time and they would do the same. But now. I have nopony to go to. My friends are all gone. Gone to a place where i cannot go to. To a place when i cant go and ask them for help or support. I am afraid of making new friends because i know they too will die. I made dolls looking like all my friends, hoping they could help me feel better. I carry them everywhere i go. Sometimes even try to talk to them.

But it just doesn't work

No matter how hard i try i cannot get rid of the loneliness. I cannot change the fact that i miss my friends. All i can do is sit here and cry over this dolls. Celestia told me to try and make new friends and form new relations. But what about when they too die? Should i mourn them as well? What does Celestia know anyway. It is her fault i ended up like this in the first place. She didn't warn me about the immortality of an alicorn. She knew about it and she didn't tell me a thing. She just showed up and turned me into a princes without warning me about the risks. She should have told me. She should have warned me about this fate. Maybe i could have prepared myself for this. Or maybe she could have told me before turning me into an alicorn and at least i could have the option to say no. But she didn't . I never forgave her for it. She always just used me she first used me to turn her sister back to normal and then she turned me into a princes without even telling me what the cost was just so she could throw all the responsibilities on me and then go retire and have her little fun vacation with her sister. The least she could have done was to give me a chance to prepare for this. Yet she didn't . Neither did Luna. Neither did Cadence. They all just kept silent about it. They knew about it and said nothing. Until it was too late and i couldn't figure out why all my friends were dying and i was just as young looking as ever. In a way i should have seen this coming. Just looking at how old Celestia and Luna are it doesn't take a genius to figure out they're immortal. I didn't know immortality was a trait all alicons shared however. I used to think it was only a trait Celestia and Luna had. Some sort of spell only they could manage to do. But then i noticed that me and Cadence weren't aging at all, despite everyone around withering away. When they finally told me i bursted out on them. I was angry this was kept a secret from me all this time and they only told me when it was all going to heck. I told them i never wanted to see them again. They have attempted to contact me after that but i rejected all their letters and visit requests and i avoided they attempts to meet me. Until one day they stopped. They realized it was pointless. And they didn't try to contact me anymore.

Ever since I've been here all by myself and this dolls. My royal duties have become hard to do. I don't even see a point in doing them anymore. Sometimes i wish i could join my friends. Leave it all behind and just go to them. See them again. But i cant. I cannot die. The waves of time will never claim me. They will never take me to my friends. Because I'm cursed to be an alicorn forever.

Because I'm immortal

'So was Discord'

That voice. It is talking to me again. It has been talking to me for a while now. It is a weird, somewhat echoey, alien sounding voice. I don't know what it is i just know it's on my head. When i first heard it i thought the dolls finally talked back to me. But then i realized it was just a voice in my head. A little fantasy my mind created after all this years of pain and loneliness. Seems I've finally gone mad after all this time. At least i know madness will never leave me.

Wait. What did it say?

"What did you say about Discord?"

'You were thinking that you're cursed to live like this forever because you are an immortal. So was Discord. He was also an immortal was he not?'

I don't understand. Ignoring the fact that I'm talking to myself. What is this voice talking about?

"What do you mean?"

'Discord was an immortal. He should have also been cursed to mourn Fluttershy forever. Much like you now. But he isn't'

I make a confused face. What does it mean?

"And why is that according to you?"

'Because he found a way out'

A way out? What way out? I usually ignored the voice, only talking back to it occasionally. But this is grabbing my attention. What way out is it talking about? A way out of what?

"What is this 'way out' you speak of?"

I hear a strange chuckle.

'My dear Twilight. Why, a way out to this pain, what else could i be talking about'

A way out of....this? It must be kidding, right?

"You're joking, right? What way out could Discord have found out of this fate that i haven't considered? He's dead"

'Exatly!'

I look in confusion into empty space, since i lacked a real entity to look at. Could it mean....

"....You mean"

'Death, my darling. Death is the way out Discord found'

Death? Now not only was i hearing voices, i was hearing voices that spoke nonsense. The whole problem was that i am an immortal. I literally cannot die....yet...so was Discord....and he's dead.

'You see now my dear? Discord knew that if he kept living forever he would be in pain for the rest of his existence, much like you now. So he chose to die instead'

I...I never thought of it that way actually. It does make some sort of sense. But still...

"How?"

'Have all these years damaged your intelligence?'

Well considering I'm talking to myself right now

'You were there when it happened. You saw Discord fade away into nothing. You saw as he intentionally stopped having chaos in his life so as to end his own existence'

What? Does it mean... Discord knew what will happen? He knew and he intentionally did it? Why haven't i thought about that before? Have i really been so devastated by grief that i hadn't been able to see that Discord intended to kill himself all along?

"But...what does that have to do with me?"

'Can't you see? If Discord could do it, why can't you?'

Suicide? I have dreamt about the embrace of death for a long time now. But i never thought about bringing it myself. Can I even do that?

"I'm immortal. I cannot die. Discord died because the very essence of his being was removed. I can't die if i stop doing chaos or something of the sorts."

I hear a twisted giggle

'You overestimate your immortality, my dear Twilight. You cannot die of old age. And very few illnesses can do harm to you. But that doesn't mean you can't be killed'

....i never thought about it that way before. It would make sense, since I've seen Celestia on situations where she was very near death. And it wouldn't make sense to have royal guards if princessess can't be physically hurt. But does that mean...

"...you mean?"

'Yes. You can die.'

Die? Is it really possible the thing I've been longing for for so long has been there for me to reach for and grab all along? And I've just been so blinded by sadness that i couldn't see it?

"I can?"

'Yes. Salvation is right in front of you. You just have to grab it yourself. '

"Are you suggesting....i kill myself?"

'What other choice do you have my dear'

No. I don't have any.

"I still can't just die like that. I have my duties. I can't leave it all behind."

I try to keep some reason. After all. Even if i crave death i still can't just throw my life away because some voice I'm imagining tells me so.

'Yes you can. Celestia and Luna can take back the throne once you're gone'

"They've retired"

'Yes. Because they threw it all on you so they can have their little vacation. Why shouldn't you throw it back on them so you can finally see them again?'

That would only be fair. Wait. See them?

"See who?"

'Your friends'

My. Friends? I can see them again

'You can see them again. If you take my offer'

I can't fall for this.... although it's tempting

"You expect me to believe your word and commit suicide just because you say so? I'm being foolish enough to be talking to you in the first place when all you are is a voice in my head that formed as just another sign I'm going mad!"

'You underestimate me, my dear Twilight. All i wish is for you to not be like this anymore. All i wish is to help you to fly away. Trust my word. I'm only here to save the day. To save you'

Save me.

"What makes you think I would be that desperate?"

'You can hide your tears all you want my dear. But I can still see. I see you're in need to have them back. And i say that you can have them back. All you have to do is listen to me and take my offer'

As much as i want i can't say no to that. I want to just tell it to shut up. But i can't. I must listen to what it has to say.

"What is it you offer?"

'You want to go back to how you were before. Alongside your friends. I can give you your old life. But in exchange, you'll have to die and let this life go'

All i have to do is...die.

Is what it says really true? Can I really escape just like that? Can I really be with my friends again after so long?

"....Are you.... telling the truth?"

'Yes. I am'

"All i have to do is....die?"

'Yes. And also another thing. You'll have to learn a lesson'

A lesson? What lesson is it talking about?

"What do you mean?"

'I am aware you like learning lessons. I know you used to love when you learned lessons with your friends. So it shouldn't be hard for you to learn a lesson from me'

I do love lessons

"What lesson will i be learning?"

'Now it wouldn't be a lesson if i told it to you before you learn it'

That makes sense

"When do you want me to learn it? How?"

I hear chuckling

'After you reunite with your friends you will learn the lesson'

I feel something i have not felt in a long long time. Hope. I can finally join my friends again. I would not have to worry about losing somepony else again. I would not have to live forever in grief anymore.

"Are you sure about all this?"

'Yes. I am'

"Really?"

'Just take my word for it darling'

Take its word for it

'Trust my plan'

Trust its plan

'So my dear Twilight. Do we have a deal?'

This sweet voice is giving me a choice. A choice to be saved. I throw a look towards the dolls. I don't have to think twice.

"Yes! We have a deal!"

'Wonderful. Now go. Do it'

I get up and wipe my tears away, trotting in place from excitement. How have I been so blind to see the solution all this time.

I teleport to my room. How should I go about doing this? I've never planned suicide before. Maybe i should use a knife?

'Do it'

I summon a knife before me and look at it for a while.

"....will it hurt?"

'Cutting hurts a bit. But soon you won't feel a thing'

Something tells me it ain't lying. I look at the blade. I can see my face on it like a mirror. It shines in the dim light of my room.

'Do it'

I raise my left foreleg and levitate the knife to it.

'Do it'

The blade makes contact with my fur. It feels cold and sharp and it makes me wince a little. I look past the cold feeling and start making cuts. They hurt a little although i don't go too deep.

'Are you trying to die or just get a scratch? A cat would have done more damage by now!'

The mocking somewhat pushes me to go further. I now cut deeper and deeper into my arms till blood floods out like it has waited for a long time to do so. I keep cutting as all my pain bleeds out.

I'll make it end. I'll let it bleed.

I start doing the same to my right foreleg while looking at the dolls. They almost look like they're staring back to me. Calling me.

The pain of the cuts doesn't matter to me anymore. In fact, i almost welcome the cuts on my skin. My blood is warm, so i don't feel the cold touch of the blade anymore

'I think that would be enough darling'

Both my forelegs are covered in scars and cuts. Blood running down them, looking like the melting wax of a red candle.

"You sure? I don't feel like I'm dying yet"

'It will take a while for you to run out of blood so you'll have to wait'

"But i don't want to wait! I want to go to my friends now"

There was silence for a moment

'Alright. You see that rope over there?'

I instinctively turn my head to the left. There to the edge of my bed i see a rope. I don't remember it being there but I'm not exactly in the right set of mind to think about that right now. Somehow, i know exactly what to do with it.

'Do it'

I levitate the rope in my magic and tie it into a noose. I look at it for a moment. It almost feels as if the noose is a gate to another world.

'Do it'

I put the rope over the frame of my canopy bed. My bed is made of strong materials so it will hold the weight.

'Do it'

I walk over to my bed and get on top of it. My dripping blood paints the sheets red as i bleed all over them. I look through the gate of hope that is the hanging rope.

'Do it'

I walk closer to where the rope is hanging. I raise to stand on my hind legs and flap my wings so as to stand in balance.

'Do it'

I use my magic to put the nose around my neck and tighten it. I don't know how I managed to tie this so perfectly considering i haven't really tied all that many nooses before. Especially not for the purpose of suicide.

"Will this be quick?"

'Yes. It will'

Tears run down my face. This ones are of hope instead of the tears of pain I've been crying all these years.

"Thank you"

'It is my pleasure'

I feel a little nervous. After all I'm about to die right now. Finally.

'Don't be afraid. Just go away. Fade to black. Go away and don't come back'

Don't come back. Never come back to this state of agony again.

"Goodbye"

'No need for that. I'll see you on the other side'

I look down to the ground. It looks as if it is calling me to come closer. To jump towards it.

'Do it'

I feel ready. Ready to go. Ready to end this. Tears fall from my eyes and drip to the ground, forming a puddle along side with my still dripping blood. A weak smile starts to form on my face.

"Thank you"

'Do it'

I get ready to jump. I close my wings so they don't hold me up anymore

'Sweet dreams, freeloads poet'

I jump

Author's Note

I want to repeat again if you are feeling suicidal and depressed, please ask for help.

This is based on my own head cannon theory as to why Twilight is dead during the G5 events.

This takes place some times after the events of Discoveries of love but not in the same universe
There also will be a sequel to this in the future.

Can you guess what 'freeloads poet' means? I'll give a hint it's an anagram:raritywink: