It has been billions of years since Princess Celestia has lived. She is older than the trees, and even the moon. When she first came to being Equus was but a flaming rock floating in space. For a few billion years it was all but her, wandering around the flaming wasteland. Eventually, a planet crashed into Equus, and the ejected material became the moon. For the first time ever Princess Celestia was not alone, her sister Princess Luna came into being when that planet crashed into hers.
Celestia and Luna spent time nuzzling one another, getting high off mushrooms, frolicking about the planet, and occasionally engaging in cunnilingus with each other. Nothing eventful happened for another few billion years until something called the ‘magical explosion’ happened, and more complex life forms began to emerge. Princess Celestia’s memory was foggy at this time. For she was an idiot at the time. She had a terrible habit of chasing her own tail and trying to bite it. She was also a lunatic that had sex with basically anything. Her divine blood however helped speed up evolution and helped pay the way to give sapience to other life forms. Celestia and Luna were sapient-minded, but their intelligence was lackluster for a very long time. For one thing, they shat on the ground.
Over time, the planet became green and lush, and life began to diversify. Celestia and Luna saw ponies emerge from humble beginnings. Magic helped speed things up a bit, but it was still very slow. For a long time, she and her little ponies were stupid. Ponies for a long time frolicked around in the wilderness and shat on the ground like savages. Eventually, she and her little ponies got more intelligent, but even then, they just banged rocks for a few million years more and did some crude hoof paintings in caves before eventually civilization was born.
Celestia saw terrible things happen over the years. From war, the death of loved ones, such as lovers, and her children. Unlike her, they were all mortal.
Yet, despite living for billions of years, nothing could prepare her for this. The towering Princess Celestia was sat down upon her rump upon a dark purple cushion. Before her was a strange technological black boxy device on a white marble table. Celestia was currently located within the Royal Dining Room. She gave up sitting on chairs, her ass has been getting steadily heavier over the years. No chair can handle her now. She was about three times larger than your average four-foot-tall pony. Her buttcheeks alone were about the size of a beachball each.
It took her years to figure out how to work this thing called a computer, but eventually, she got the hang of things. Initially, she was quite excited by the device, but it didn't take her long to find some rather horrifying things on something her little ponies called the Internet.
Celestia looked on in horror as she magically pulled the mouse wheel down with her horn, and scrolled through page, after page of porn. The most horrifying porn she saw was pictures of herself with an abnormally large backside. She found herself staring back at her own rump quite a few times, and contemplated going on a diet. If she lost some weight she could reduce her height.
She needed to cut down on the cake, she had been breaking many dining chairs over the years. She had to use some spells to make herself a little bit taller to maintain her figure. Not to mention, using spells to suppress vast amounts of fat she accumulated over the years.
Then again, she felt like she needed to inhale even more cake into herself. It helped her fill the void in her soul. She found herself crying sometimes missing her old lovers of the past. Particularly, the random humans that sometimes teleported into Equestria, they were the best of all. This porn she saw made her want to eat even more cake. Was she not sexy and big enough for her little ponies?
“Luna, can you come here?”
There came a clopping sound and her sister came into the room. She was far less the size of herself.
“What’s the matter, sister?”
“My little ponies, they are making so much porn of me. My ass is huge! Even bigger than it is in real life. Do you think we should ban porn?”
“Unless you want civilization to collapse, sure, ban porn.”
“Don't you think that's a bit of an exaggeration?”
“No. It has been a long time since you hosted a royal orgy. And that was when ponies had a much smaller population. We are numbering in the billions now. If you ban porn, you also have to ban those sexrobots that help simulate what it’s like to have sex with me and you.”
“Yeah, we may need to ban those too. So, unnatural.”
Luna slapped her forehead with her front right hoof. “Celestia! Stop being such a boomerbeginner!”
Celestia crossed her hooves. “That’s not very nice, Luna! Where did you learn such language?!”
“Try to get more hip with the times! Watch some violent movies, masturbate to Internet porn, play video games, and play with fidget spinners, like me.”
Celestia gasped in shock with a hoof over her mouth. “That’s not true! I am hip! I watch–”
“Boring soap operas with no real drama, shows about cooking, and cheesy romance Hearth's Warming Eve romance movies. Lame!”
“We all have tastes, Luna! I don’t judge you for your interests!”
“Yet, you want to ban porn? Come on, don’t you see the hypocrisy?”
Celestia rubbed her chin thoughtfully for quite some time. It was quite true that she did not have sex as much as she had in the past. She had become rather boring. Earning her affections was rather difficult these days, unless they were a human, that was simple. She contemplated that many ponies were sad without Celestia’s rump to hump to brighten their day.
She sighed deeply. “You’re right, Luna. I have not been hip with the times. I will still allow porn and sexrobots,” Luna smiled, making a sound like a dog’s chew toy. “Still, I think the best possible decision for me is to become a pornstar! My real ass will beat those fake robot booties!”
“What?! Now, you’re going too far!” Luna boomed in the Royal Canterlot Voice.
“Now, who’s the boomerbeginner?” she said sexfully with bedroom eyes. Celestia flashed her horn, and she subsequently began to grow larger. “The Sunbutt is back, baby!”
