The chronicles of Heart Break

by Jay Cruiz

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Romance, Slice of Life, Dark
Length: 3671

I, Essence, am the most sucessfull relationship destroyer in all of Equestria, but do I hate it?

I, Heart Break, am the most sucessfull relationship destroyer in all of Equestria, but do I hate it?
This story tells of my fall from grace and the mare who saved me from myself.
Rated teen for allusions to ponies sexing it up.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-13 23:10:48 UTC

Chapter 1: Who is Cocoa?

Okay before we start off down the road to hell, allow me to tell you a bit about myself.

My name is Essence, I am a twenty two year old pony. An earth pony to be precise. I stand between at around 1.3 meters, almost as tall as my b- Ahem- friend Big Mac. (Sorry almost gave away something)

Anyhow, I am your average stallion, well a bit more than average. My eyes are blood red, Its a genetic anomaly called OCULAR HYPER PIGMENTATION, my case is more severe there is only one other pony with eyes like mine on Terra: Vinyl Scratch. Other than that I am normal, I have a black mane and tail, perfectly trimmed of course. My coat is a deep brown, almost chocolate- which leads me to my next point: my name.

I go by CB with my friends, but the mares and occasional lover call me Cocoa or Chocolate- not that I mind in the slightest. More importantly I have been called a bastard, home-wrecker, fag, homo, fucker, hell any insult there is in the book that I have not heard would surprise me. But now I am getting off topic, I am loved by many and hated by even more: I am the scum of the earth....I destroy relationships for cash..... I'm the mother fucking apocalypse for couples, if I had a bit for every pony I hurt, I'd...well I'd have a few thousand bits. But I also am the savior too. I create marriages, though they occur less than the breakups. Haha.

Fuck, off topic again.... where was I? Ah yes, ummm, I have no fucking clue, so lets just start this shit okay?

The Chronicles of Heart Break

I sat in Sugarcube Corner drinking a iced coffee. Not that I like coffee, I just needed to look inconspicuous untill my client for the day arrived. Holding the cup betwixt my hooves I rolled it gently watching the door.

Finally! I sigh inwardly as a familiar mint green unicorn walks over to me. "Hello Lyra, great to see you."

"Stop with the pleasantness Essence. We both know why I am here." She slides into the booth and sits across from me. "You know I can't do this!" She sighs. "I need you to take care of this since I am to chicken too."

I raise my cup and take a swig of the potent brew. "Okay, but you know the deal. Half up front and the rest after." I smile as she nods and levitates a big bag of bits to me. "Consider it done. In the park 3 pm right?"

She nods as she gets up.

"Don't you dare try to screw me over Essence." Her eyes narrow as she looks at me.

I lower my glasses and look at her skeptically. "Really? Heartstrings, you know I wouldn't dream of screwing with my sisters plans!" My adopted baby sister huffs and trots out of the building.

I know I am a heartless bastard, but I gotta make a living somehow. I tuck the bag of bits into  my black vest and walk out, but not before throwing a few bits to my favorite mare.

"Thanks a lot Cocoa!" Pinkie says as I walk out. "Come back soon!"

"I will Pinks," I say winking my red eyes at her. Stepping out into the sunshine my ears are assulted by a syphony of laughter, shouting and the ever present clop of hooves that is downtown Ponyville. Inhaling deeply I look around trying decide what to do.

Okay, I need a pegasus, roses and a bot air balloon. Where the buck am I gonna get a balloon? Scratch that, it's not needed. I shake my head and decide to head over to Roselucks little flower store. It's a quaint little building, not too far from Sugarcube Corner. Its a beautiful shade of rose red with a mahogany sign hanging from it. The bell rings as I enter causing Roseluck to turn around.

"Welcome to A Million Petals, how can I- oh its you," Her radiant smile falls as she sees me. "Come here to break up another relationship?"

"Actually quite the opposite Rose. I'm hopefully going to create a love to last years to come." My voice is quiet and silky. "So are you willing to help me out?"

Her eyes narrow as she walks over to me. "Why should I trust you?"

"Because you know that you can't resist me asking nicely."

"Damn it Cocoa! I swear you will be the death of me," she moans in exasperation. "What do you need?"

"Eleven white roses and one desert rose, in a bouquet. The desert rose HAS to be in the center! That is the centerpiece of this whole scheme."

Rose nods and heads toward the back, leaving me alone. I stand in front of the counter for a moment before her voice comes out of the back.

"You still owe me a date Cocoa! Don't think I ever forgot!"

"I know," I laugh. "But you know I'm dating Macintosh right now. And I really don't want to mess this up."

Her laugh echoes back to me. "I still don't understand why you are dating a stallion, I mean there are so many mares here and you aren't the worst looking colt around...." She re-enters the room holding the flowers.

"Look, I have explained this to you a million times, I like colts and mares. But Mac, well he is such a quiet and sweet colt I can't help but like him." I laugh a bit and rub the back of my head with a hoof. "Anyways, can you keep these until I come back? I need to find a pegasus. 'Kay thanks bye!" I rush out of the store and head to the middle of town where I know I can find just the pegasus for the job.

Just as I suspected I found Rainbow Dash snoozing on a low flying nimbus.

"Hey Dash! I need you for a moment!" My voice carries to her waking her.

"Wuzzup Cocoa," she replies sleepily. "You just woke me up from a good dream, so this better be good."

"For the love of Celestia get your sexy flank down here and help me!"

"Well, okay, but only because you said I was sexy," she laughs as she flutters down. "So whats up?"

"I have an appointment at 3 in the park. So I need you to write 'Will you marry me' in the sky. Just wait for my signal" I explain. "Simple as that. And the normal deal, no question just bits."

She taps her chin with a hoof pretending to think. "Hmm....Well you asked nicely but you also interrupted my nap....Sooo I'll do it, but at one and a half times the normal rate."

I facehoof and groan. "You can't fuck me literally but you love to fuck me over proverbially. Fine its a deal." I pull the bag of bits out of my vest and toss them at her. "Just be there on time you lazy mare or I swear to Luna I will tan your hide!" I shake a fist at her playfully.

She giggles and flaps her wings in preparation to fly. "Don't you worry about a thing Cocoa. I'll be there." And with that she flew away clutching the bag of bits. Even though I am with Big Mac, I couldn't help the thoughts of rutting her as her toned body flew away.

Jeez, talk about a sexy mare..... Anyway, off to the, um the....well shit. I face hoofed again as I realized I forgot where I was going.

After puttering around aimlessly I realized it was almost time to meet Lyra in the park.

"Shit!" I began to run full tilt towards A Million Petals to retrieve the bouquet. After doing that I raced to the park, and of course as soon as Lyra and Bonbon see me I trip and slide the rest of the way to them.

"Ouch." Lyra looked at me as I stood up and brushed the dirt off.

"Shaddup. Anyways, Bonbon. Lyra doesn't want to date you anymore." I say casually gauging her reaction.

"W-what? Lyra, he's joking.....TELL ME HE'S JOKING!" The cream colored ponies eyes filled with tears. "You, you lied to me! YOU PINKIE PROMISED WE WOULD BE TOGETHER FOREVER!"

"Bonbon," I say calmly, causing the distraught mare to whirl on me. "Just shut up and look at the sky."

"AND YOU! DON-" Her words are cut short as I grab her head and force her to look up.

Written in the sky was a simple message:

Bonbon, I love you and I wish to spend my life with you, so WILL YOU MARRY ME?

Lyra knelt down in front of Bonbon and presented her with the bouquet and a necklace in the shape of her cutie mark.

"So waddya say Bonbon? You wanna spend the rest of your life with me?"

Bonbon lowered her eyes and looked at my sister. "I hate you so much right now," Her voice was deadly calm. "So my answer is no." Lyras face fell and her eyes filled with tears. "Or, at least that is what I would say If I didn't love you so bucking much. So yes I will marry you!" Lyra looks up at her marefriend with a look of utter stupidity.

"Ubt....Nya... OH THANK CELESTIA!" She laughs and embraces her fiance.

I smile and walk away, glad that my plan worked.

"Cocoa, wait! You forgot the money."

Turning I look over my shoulder and smile. "I was just screwing with you. The rest is yours, I just needed to pay a certain pegasus to do a good job. So If you will excuse me I have a date with my coltfriend!"

I turn my face to the east and walk slowly to Sweet Apple Acres.

The sun was setting over the horizon and I was relaxing in Macs forehooves. Looking at the sky from the top of the hill was relaxing.

"Do you think that I was right to do that Macky?" My voice was worried as I thought of the days events.

"Hmm... Well I guess that depends on how you look at it," His deep voice rumbles through my chest. "But all in all, I think you did right by them Cocoa." He nuzzles my cheek affectionately.

I sigh and nuzzle back. "You always know what to say to make me feel better."

"Eeyep."

His usual one word answer makes me laugh. "Ok you big brute," I say teasingly. "We got a restaurant to go to."

Macintosh sighs a bit but stand with me. "You know I hate them fancy places!"

"Don't worry," I say reassuringly. "We're just going to Hay Kings. I was in the mood for a veggie burger and fries, what about you?"

Mac purses his lips and shrugs in a non-caring way. "I don't see why not, seeing as how it's your turn to pay."

"Hey is not!"

"Is so," he says blowing a raspberry at me.

Our playful banter continues long into the restaurant. We stood rather close together getting stares from a few ponies.

"That just isn't natural."

I whirled and trained my eyes on the voice. "Is there a problem sir?"

The stallion in question was a sky blue and rather sexy unicorn acting like a tool. "Yes. I think that you should take your faggotry elsewhere. Don't poison the air here."

"Well, I thank you for being forward with your statement. Now you can go and fuck yourself with a rusty spoon and burn in hell. Have a nice day." I smile, and grab Big Macs forehoof and stroll into the building.

"Well, that was a bit uncalled for," He says looking at me incredulously.

"Shut it."

"Yes Cocoa," he laughs licking my cheek, messing my glasses up.

"Big Macintosh Apple! What did I tell you about doing that?" I all but yell.

"Hmm, well just the other night you weren't tellin me to stop when we were b-"

I shove a hoof in his mouth silencing him. "Okay, this dates over." I turn and walk out of the veggie joint and proceed home.

"Hey, come on Heart! You know I wasn't gonna finish that sentence!" I hear him walking behind me, his voice however sounded like he was right next to me.

"No," I stop and turn to him. "Look Mac, I love spending time with you, I do I really do bu-"

"But you wanna break up," he says smiling a bit. "I get it. Don't worry I was thinking the same thing."

"No I wan- wait what?"

Mac looks at me sheepishly and rubs the back of his head. "Well I'm sorry but Caramel kinda caught my eye..."

My face deadpanned as I looked at him.

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!? CARAMEL? CARAMEL? THAT TOOTHPICK IS A PANSY! "Okay. Whatever Macintosh."

Chapter 2: Drunken Inhibitions

Out of all the stallions, why Caramel? I lay on my couch trying to sort through my thoughts.

This question has been on my mind for the past 4 hours. What was so special about him? Maybe he liked being on bottom? Because I sure as hell didn't. Mac weighs a ton!

"Sitting here moping won't get me happy, time to go drinking..."

Sighing I Leave my small apartment and head over to Aeons place. I live in a small apartment not too far from the Golden Oaks library. It was a bit of a walk seeing

Me and Aeon go way back. We met in second grade thanks to some really tasty pizza....

13 YEARS PREVIOUSLY

Miss Cherilee sat there looking at the class: AppleJack was snoozing with her face plastered to her book, Roseluck was making derp eyes at Ditzy who for some strange reason was living in Ponyville for the time being. In general our attention spans combined to equal about 30 seconds, so this was nothing new.

"Who wants recess?" Everypony imediatly shot up at attention. "Okay now that you all are paying attention, you can do the rest of the lesson before you go." We groan and she simply smiles.

I sigh and slam my head on my desk trying to drown out the dull subject that was math. Nope, nope, nope, nope. THIS IS SO BORING!

"Essence, what in the name of the solar princess are you doing?"

"Trying not to fall asleep, duh!" My voice came out muffled.

"Well I am sorry for boring you Mister Essence."

"It's fine Miss Cherilee. Wait, what!? Miss Cherilee!?" I hurridly sit up, my face beet red. The class laughed as I sat there growing more and more embarrassed. I couldn't help but slide down in my seat mortified.

"That's enough class. You are all dismissed for lunch and recess. Except for you Heart, we need to talk"

There was a flurry of hooves and in less than 10 seconds the room was empty. We sat there in silence looking at each other, well it was silent except for a squeaking spinney chair.

How did they get a chair that spins in here without her noticing?

"What's wrong Essence? You never act like this." Her voice was warm and comforting- it made me sick.

"If it's okay with you Miss Cherilee, I don't wanna talk about it."

With that I got up and walked to the playground. I sat under a tree basking in the shade while I looked at my lunch: a big slice of yellow pepper and cheese pizza. I hadn't really been hungry for the past few days and Mother knew that so she packed my favorite foods trying to get me to eat. Needless to say she failed. Not that she was a bad cook, it's just that you can't force a stubborn kid to eat, but she tried, man she tried.

"I don't want this...."

"I'll take it off your hooves then." The voice came from a smoky grey unicorn with a short silvery mane and dark brown eyes.

I narrow my eyes a bit and decide to be mean. I lick the edge of my hoof and drive it into the middle of the pizza.

"Still want it now?"

He looks at me for a moment before replying. "Yep."

Sighing I just flip it onto the ground. "What about now?"

He looked at me with the most disappointed face and said the funniest thing ever: "Hey, I wanted that!"

I remember looking at him before laughing myself into tears, he laughed too after a while and he introduced himself.

"Hey, you're pretty cool. My name is Luminous Aeon, but call me Aeon."

From that one slice of fallen pizza pie sprouted a long and glorious friendship.

"So, Mac dumped you and you want me to leave my comfortable home, and my game of Griffon Tag 2 just to go and get drunk?" Aeons' face was quite blank as he looked at me.

"Um.... Yeah that pretty much sums it up. So you going or what?" I put on a cheesy grin and stare at him.

"Meh, okay. But first promise me you will never use that shit eating grin near me ever again."

"Done."

The bar we normally go to, it was shitty. Simple as that, the only reason we went there is because it had the best Applejack Daniels in Equestria. I mean everywhere else had shitty drinks, but I may be biased. Walking in we took our normal seats near the back and watched the strippers swing around onstage. Though there was music playing, it was oddly quiet in my head. Nursing my drink I looked up and was mildly surprised to see Tombstone, Neon Lights and Vinyl Scratch on the stage playing their songs.

"Hey Aeon, did you know they were going to be here?"

"Really? Did you really just freaking ask me that?" His voice was flat. "You brought me here dumbass."

I laugh and take a hearty swig of my drink. "Whatever man, I just came here to get wasted. So as my friend Doctor Whooves likes to say: ALLONS-Y!" I knock back the rest of my drink and head to the dance floor leaving Aeon at the table shaking his head and laughing.

"You are gonna regret this Essence!" He called to me. "We both know you can't handle your salt and liquor!"

"Screw you, ya dick," I call back. I am already feeling the buzz of the whisky and ignore it. I walk to a blue mare with white and blue hair and attempt to talk to her. "Excuse me, but how much does a penguin weigh?"

She laughs and shakes her head. "I have no clue."

"Enough to break the ice, my name is Essence and I was wondering if I could buy you a drink?"

She purses her lips for a moment thinking and nods. "Sure why not?"

"And then I say to him, because her toothbrush was bigger!" I say howling with laughter along with Colgate. I wipe the tears away with a hoof and pound on the bar table. "Bartender! Two more!" The stallion nods and slides two more Brain blowers our way. I had no idea why they were named that and little did I know, I was about to find out. I down my drink in one and wink at her. "Feel like taking this party to my place?"

Colgate smiles at me and bats her eyes sensually. "I don't see why not..." She leans forward and kisses me gently. "Lets go stud," she whispered into my ear.

I throw a few bits onto the counter and walk out the door and stumble drunkenly to my home with her in tow. We plow through the door, it bangs against the wall

"Ugh, what?" I sit up on the bed and look around groggily. "Where am I? And where are my clothes?" I look around for my vest and glasses. I manage to glance at the clock and see the time; 4 am. Shit. I have no idea where I am but at least I know the time. I look to my left and see a blue and white mane. "Huh, she really came withe me...Sweet," I mutter and lay back down with the intent to sleep.

"Ugh, what happened? My hea-ULP!" Colgate jumps out of the bed and stumbles into the bathroom where I hear her empty the contents of her stomach noisily.

Okay, thats frggin lovely. "You all right love?"

"Yeah," she gasps. "Just gimmie a minuete." She dry heaves a few more times before flushing the toilet and rinsing her mouth out. Stumbling back into the room she flops on the bed ungracefully and exhales. "Never again."

I grin and nod slowly. "I concur, now either my trechea got shorter or I'm about to hurl!" I sit up and try to get off the bed, only to get tangled up in the sheets and wind up a clailing mass of limbs and cloth. Thankfully Colegate helped me out before I blew chunks everywhere. Skipping all the horrid details of the consistancy, color and texture of the vomit currently flying out of my body lets go forward about ten minuetes.

"Damnit. I quit, I'm never drinking again." Who am I kidding? I'll be smashed again in two days. Colgate smiles and puts the covers over us and closes her eyes, I on the other hand felt wide awake. Aaaaand here we go. The same routine every time; get dumped, bitch/moan, get drunk, meet up with some random mare, bang and then repeate. Goddesses I need to change my life. Sighing unhapply I roll over and close my eyes; my body exhausted but my mind wide awake and constantly shifting. I knew I was going to be even worse off when I woke up, but I didn't care.