The trollfic of all trollfics.
Hi, I'm Joe Smith, the useless nobody you keep hearing about in those Human in Equestria stories. I always get bullied in school for being a brony, so I'm depressed, This day after school I was going to commit suicide by jumping in front of a train, because that's what cool kids do nowadays, they jump in front of a train. My parents never wanted me and my father abused me sexually. This forced me into a life of being a thief/murderer, wich is totally irrelevant to the plot.
"This will make me loved and people will realize how much they'll miss me" I thought to myself.
So I jumped, As train was nearing, i started dancing Gangnam style, for swag. And right before the train hit me, I was teleported away.
When I opened my eyes I was in a magical cartoony castle, but that didn't seem strange at all.
In front of me was the worst tyrant the universe has ever seen, it was princess Celestia, levitating a banana.
"Why did you bring me here?" I said.
"Because Equestria is in grave danger, and only a chronically depressed virgin teenager from another planet can save us."
"I'm going to transform you into a pony alicorn with a red and black color scheme, and horns and dragon eyes, because that will help you blend in."
"What danger threatens Equestria if I may ask?"
"It's a unholy alliance between my sister, Discord and Chrysalis."
"But I thought your sister was good again?"
"Yes but somehow Nightmare moon survived, even though it was obliterated in the canon story line"
"Oh my god, how can I stop them?" I asked her.
"You must go to Ponyville and find your one true love in all of the female ponies there, because only you creating a harem and making half of ponyville pregnant will stop them"
Then, poof, I transformed.
“You should go to the library first, Twilight Sparkle, my most trusted student will accomodate you untill you have beaten the evil bad guys of doom”
“Great, I'll go now, I'm going to take the name 'dark shadow racer bolt' such a normal name will surely help me blend in even more”
“Yeah whatever, not get the hell out of my castle” Celestia said
You immediatly went on your way to ponyville without even a map or any training whatsoever, because you automatically know everything because of the plot holes.
About 10 minutes later I landed in front of the library, and immediatly spoted the love of my life, Twilight Sparkle. Besides her there was also the other love of my life, Rainbow Dash.
“Hello, I'm dark shadow racer bolt” I said
“Hi my name is Twilight Sparkle, the towns librarian”
“And I'm Rainbow Dash, self proclaimed fastest flyer in all of Equestria”
Then out of nowhere a small dragon came walking up to me.
“And I'm Spike”
“Oh no a dragon!”
“Fus Ro Dah!”
“Oh yeah that's right, I'm not the dragonborn, teehee”
“So I'm staying here untill we beat the evil bad guys of doom”
"I understand, but you won't stay here for free, you need to go to sweet apple acres and work up some money, just tell Applejack that I sent you"
"If you get tired of staying here, just stay at my place, I'm sure we can have lots of fun, and with fun I mean sex" said Rainbow Dash.
"Silly Rainbow Dash, I'm gonna have sex with ALL female ponies, Silly Rainbow Dash..."
So I was off to Sweet Apple Acres, there I spotted the love of my life, Applejack.
"Hi, I'm Dark Shadow Racer bolt, Twilight sent me here to work up some money, because she cares about money when the fate of Equestria hangs in the balance"
"Sure thing sugarcube, just follow me to the barn and we can work something out, and by working something out I mean bucking like there's no tomorrow.
So we went to the barn, bucked, I plowed her so hard she had difficulty walking the next 3 days, let alone do farm work. then she gave me some cash.
"I feel like a whore, but it's better then stealing/murdering people" (hey looks like the thief/murderer WAS integral to the plot after all!)
"Yo Twilight, I've got your money" I yelled when I got back.
"Good, then now you can pay with your body" She said
She was wearing a black fetish outfit.
"But I just had sex with Applejack" I complained
"NO BUTS MISTER!" She yelled
"No pun intended"
"Bow to your mistress!"
Then we went on and did the nasty.
I spanked that bitch so hard it left burn marks on her ass, her cutie mark was no longer visible thanks to that. Then she sucked my cock, it was amazing, I squirted all over her face.
"So what am I gonna do with the money if you don't want it?"
"Go to rarity tomorrow, buy some clothes, give her the D"
"Now I'm going to Rainbow Dash, because having sex twice in a few minutes is not enough"
So when I arrived at Rainbow Dash's place she was already waiting for me with a wingboner.
"Why hello there" she said with a seductive voice
"Why don't you come in? And with come in I mean come inside the house AND in me"
So I went inside and plowed Rainbow Dash anally, I plowed her ass so hard that it still hurts to poop. I plowed her ass so hard that she can't even sit properly anymore. I plowed her so hard... Well you kind of get it by now right?
So that's how I had sex with Rainbow Dash, Applejack AND Twilight in 1 hour.
So the next morning I went to rarity, and by the door I saw the love of my life, Rarity.
"Hi I'm Dark Shadow Racer Bolt, I'm here to buy some clothes"
So rarity made me some clothes.
"There you go darling, now pay up"
I gave her the money when she said
"No no no, not with bits, with your body"
So I went ahead and gave Rarity the plowing of a lifetime.
***About three months later***
“My harem is assembeled, now we must take on the evil bad guys of doom”
From my horn I unleashed a devastating attack, that immediatly obliterated the bad guys.
***About another 6 months later***
Zomg look at all the children I have, they all have red and black color schemes. But now I must leave this place, because I totally don't want to pay alimony.
And that's how I saved Equestria, then I left, wich made me even more depressed.
So when I got back to earth I still killed myself. This time the train DID hit, I didn't die on the spot, first I suffered excruciating pain for the first 5 minutes, then I went numb and died about an hour later, on my way to the hospital.
The end.
Authors note:
So me and some guys came up with this idea on Skype, so I decided to put it down for you guys.
As the title says, this is a trollfic, nothing more, I almost died laughing while writing this, though I'm sure most of you will just dislike the story to death as soon as you see the human tag. But then again, the title says 'Trollfic' so who knows, anyway I'm thinking of giving Advanced Magic Academy to someone else, since I lost all interest in continuing that, so if any of you want it, or know someone who might want it, let me know because I know that some of you like the story and want to see it finished.
