Cthulhu vs the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Chapters

A Pink Mentor
Pinkie Found a Boat
Get Off the Boat
Voodoo Child
Zombies? Really?

A Pink Mentor

An evil coldness seemed to be spreading through the night. The malicious force was indescribable. It took a solid physical form, but its geometry seemed not of this world. Light itself shied away from the demented figure. Its vile aura seemed to repel everything good and holy. Nothing could satisfy the thing’s ravenous desire to bring pure pain, misery and fear to all decent ponies. This unimaginable horror could only be a rip-off of the most overused Lovecraftian monster.

~~~\o/~~~

Twilight Sparkle awoke in a freezing sweat. The nightmares were becoming worse. It had started with a few bad dreams a few weeks earlier, but it had grown to the point where she was terrified of sleep itself. She groaned tiredly and used her unicorn magic to open the curtains and gaze outside, immediately regretting her action. Celestia’s brilliant sun shone into her face, burning like the bitumen of a thousand car parks on a Summer day. The unicorn was convinced Celestia was making the sun especially bright just to screw with her at this point.

Blinking dopily, the scholar let her eyes adjust to the brightness before dragging herself out of bed and heading to the window. She took a moment to take in the view. Beautiful marble buildings, designed by the greatest architects Equestria had ever known, lined the pristine streets of Canterlot. The sun reflected obnoxiously from every surface in the city, a tribute from the people of the city to their unquestionable overlord. The lavender pony shook her head in disgust. Everything was too damn shiny and perfect. She hated it.

Twilight let out another groan before allowing her gaze to fall to the street. There they were. Her intellectual inferiors. Each one of them stupidly went about their business, enjoying their inherited money, carrying themselves in a disgustingly self-important and stuck up manner. As the lavender pony did battle with her own mind to make herself wake up, she wasn’t sure if she envied them or loathed them.

This was no state for one of Equestria’s greatest minds to be in. The thousandth Summer Sun Celebration was mere weeks away, and there was no way the unicorn could write a decent report on the subject if she couldn’t even sleep leading up to the big day. Although she generally preferred to handle things on her own, Twilight concluded that she should consult a doctor before the nightmares took over her entire life.

~~~\o/~~~

The doctor listened carefully as his patient described her problem. Bizarre nightmares, like nothing from this world. She had always been such a good girl, and he couldn’t believe she would get caught up in anything like this. He’d heard rumours about this sort of thing; things uttered in hushed tones amongst the academic world. Surely, such blasphemies weren’t genuine. Still, it couldn’t hurt to ask.

“I don’t suppose,” he inquired slowly, “you’ve come into contact with any evil enchantresses lately?”

“Not that I’m aware of,” the unicorn replied cautiously.

“Well, I’m stumped.”

“That’s all you’ve got for me? I’m a student, doctor, I can’t afford to pay medical bills for ‘I’m stumped’. Isn’t there more you can do?”

“Probably, but med school was a long time ago. Things have changed, and I can’t remember it so good.”

“Aren’t you supposed to stay up to date with the medical journals?”

“Probably. Tell you what, why don’t we give you a bunch of drugs, see what that does, and go from there?”

“Do you even care about your patients?”

Here the doctor smiled politely at his patient, charmed by her youthful ignorance. Kids say the darndest things. “Now Twilight,” he said in a very slow, understanding manner, “no pony becomes a doctor because they care about others. Ponies become doctors so they can feel superior to others.”

“I see,” at this point, the academic was backing out of the room, “well, doc, thanks for all the help. I’m sure you don’t mind if I get a second opinion, though.”

“Any time!” the doctor replied long after his patient had left the room.

~~~\o/~~~

After visiting four more doctors, Twilight was thoroughly annoyed at getting the exact same response from each of them. She walked down the streets of Canterlot with her head held low in defeat. Her mind was occupied with a matter of great urgency: would it be better to write an angry letter, or a report reviewing the entire medical profession? The former would be much quicker, but the latter would be much more fun. At the end of the day, there was never any choice.

As the scholar entered her room, she felt the most peculiar sensation throughout her entire body. Sweat broke on her brow as shivers ran down her spine. Something just didn’t feel right, like an unnatural presence had possessed the room. Closing the door, she put her back to the window, the room’s only source of light. Her heart jumped to her throat. Projected against the door was her own silhouette, standing beside the shadow of another pony. With a sharp gasp, the unicorn spun around to confront the intruder. There was no pony there. After a brief hesitation, Twilight shuddered and dismissed the creepy feeling. It was probably nothing.

Laughing uncomfortably to herself, the lavender pony decided to take a nap. The restless nights were really taking their toll on her.

~~~\o/~~~

For the first time in weeks, Twilight had a good night’s sleep. She fell into a deep slumber as soon as her head hit the pillow, with splendid dreams of relaxation and joy. The nightmarish figures had been replaced by fluffy kittens, puppy dogs and research reports. Her afternoon nap turned into an eighteen hour doze.

The scholar felt like it was going to be a good day. She bounced out of bed and smiled widely. Celestia’s sun felt wonderfully warm on her skin; a yellow glow to brighten up her day. Outside the windows, colourful birds were singing beautiful songs of joy, praising the magnificent city, the magnificent morning, and the magnificent sun. Hopping out of bed, the unicorn smiled to herself before turning to the bedroom mirror. Her jolly mood was immediately shattered when she saw the reflection of a pink pony standing next to her.

Spinning around, Twilight fired up her horn. She’d catch the intruder this time! Horn full of power and eyes full of rage, she growled and stood defiantly against her unwelcome guest. Once again, there was no pony there. She stared wildly around the room in confusion for a moment. Was she going crazy? Were the nightmares and hallucinations symptoms of her insanity?

“What in the name of Celestia is going on here?” she demanded of them empty room.

“You know,” replied a high pitched voice with no discernible source, “talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity.”

The unicorn froze. She had a suspicion about where the voice was coming from, but didn’t want to confirm it. Still, she couldn’t just stand there. Swallowing hard, she resolved herself to take action. Turning to face the mirror again, she saw the reflection of a pink, frizzy-haired pony smiling back at her.

“Hi!” the pink pony grinned, “I’m Pinkie Pie.”

“Ah-“ Twilight stifled her scream, “What are you doing in my room? More importantly, what are you doing in my mirror? HOW are you in my mirror? This doesn’t make any kind of sense!”

“Silly Twilight. That’s just my reflection. You know how mirrors work, right?”

Twilight stared silently at the happy pony in the mirror for a moment. At least she didn’t look dangerous. Probably just some idiot playing a practical joke with some basic magic. She was an earth pony, but it couldn’t be too difficult to find a unicorn interested in playing a prank on the local egghead. Satisfied with this conclusion, the scholar turned around. Sure enough, the real pink pony was standing right there, smiling back at her.

“What are you doing in my room?” the unicorn repeated.

Here the earth pony cocked her head and rolled her eyes back. Her brow furrowed and her lips skewed, as if she was struggling to remember something. “You are Twilight Sparkle, BA, magical doctorate candidate and Celestia’s favourite pupil. You’ve been top of all your classes throughout your academic career, apart from in magic kindergarten. You come from a well-to-do family and your brother, Shining Armour, is captain of the royal guard. You struggle to make friends, focusing strictly on scholastic pursuits. Is that correct?”

Twilight nodded with a weak smile. It wouldn’t take much digging to find that much out about her, but it was unsettling nonetheless. The only thing stopping her from calling the guards was her curiosity.

“Great,” the pink pony continued, “you’ve recently been experiencing some terrible nightmares. You can never explain it quite right to any pony who will listen. You know there’s something to your visions, but you also know no pony will believe you. Apart from last night, where I kept the ghosties away, each night has been worse than the last. It’s starting to take over your life. Is that right?”

The earth pony smiled at the stunned silence. She had been doing this long enough to know the answer was “yes”. After a brief pause, she proceeded, “We live in a dangerous world, Twi. There are some real meanies out there. Evil things. The things of nightmares! They normally stay out of the lives of ponies. Every now and then, some wicked ponies will try to bring the evil into our world. Normally for their own gain. Some of us, like you and me, have a sense for this sort of thing. A darkness is coming, Twi. I know you can feel it. We want your help to stop it.”

“Who ARE you?”

“I told you, I’m Pinkie Pie.”

“No, I mean... what do you WANT?”

“I told you, we live in a dangerous world, Twi. There are some real-”

“That’s not what I meant!” the confused unicorn interrupted, “how, EXACTLY, do you think I can help?”

“All you have to do is come take down the baddies with us. The nightmares won’t go away ‘till the meanies are gone.”

“What do you mean ‘us’? There’s only one of you!”

Pinkie Pie clapped her hoof to her forehead before giggling, “Oh, right. I’m from an organisation called the church of the FSM. Don’t let the name put you off, we’re not real religious. We’re an order devoted to keeping Equestria evil-free. Probably should have started with that, huh?”

“FSM?”

“That’s right, FSM.”

“I got that, but what’s it stand for?”

“We stand for all that is good and pure-”

“No, what is FSM and acronym for?”

“Acronym?”

“What’s it stand for?”

“We stand for all that is-”

“I’m not helping you unless you tell me.”

The two ponies stared each other down for a moment. Twilight’s expression was one of stern determination. Her stance was strong and defiant; she was making it clear that she wouldn’t back down. Pinkie could see there was no way the unicorn would budge. Looking to the ground, she mumbled inaudibly.

“What was that?”

Pinkie mumbled slightly louder.

“One more time.”

The earth pony snorted in frustration, giving in under the piercing gaze of the unicorn. It was the only way to move the conversation along. “Flying Spaghetti Monster,” she finally said.

“The church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?”

“We call ourselves Pastafarians.”

Another silence ensued as the earth pony tried to read Twilight’s face. She wasn’t giving any hint of how well she was taking any of this. Her face now reflected incredulity and confusion more than anything. For some reason Pinkie couldn’t quite figure out, this was the usual reaction she got whenever she broke into some pony’s house, spent the night there, then came up behind them in the morning, claiming to be part of the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, an organisation devoted to protecting Equestria from evil. If only ponies were more friendly and open minded.

“So, you’re crazy,” Twilight finally said, breaking the silence, “leave before I call the guards.”

This was another response Pinkie had grown used to. Not just while recruiting, either. All her work, social and romantic endeavours seemed to end this way. Her eyes welled up and she bowed her head sadly. She only wanted to do good and make others happy, but ponies kept pushing her away. Still, she didn’t fancy spending another night in the dungeons, so she resolved to oblige. She slowly walked to the window and cast it open.

“I know it’s crazy, but so are your nightmares. There’s nothing sane about this world, but at least we can make it an enjoyable insanity. Randomness isn’t fun when it’s evil. Let me know when you change your mind.”

With that, the crazy pony leapt out the window.

Pinkie Found a Boat

The next night saw the return of Twilight’s nightmares, with renewed darkness and horror. It wasn’t simply an unnatural evil anymore. It was becoming more personal. She saw the things she loved being consumed, corrupted and destroyed by the darkness. The terror spread across Equestria, crushing all in its path. As she saw it approach her family, she was helpless to stop it. She felt an incomprehensible horror as she saw her parents embrace each other, realising that all resistance against the force would be useless. The unicorn desperately thrashed about, trying to beat back at the vile thing. These violent convulsions eventually shook her awake.

It was about midnight. The air was freezing, but the scholar was drenched in sweat. She rolled over and tried to get comfortable. Despite being absolutely exhausted, the unicorn couldn’t bring herself to close her eyes. She was scared. Terrified of the things she might see the next time she briefly slipped into unconsciousness. How could she go on living like this?

Twilight rolled out of bed and magically flooded the room with light. She walked to the mirror and gave her reflection a long, hard look, trying to convince herself to stop having nightmares. Deep down inside, she knew it would do no good. It was hopeless.

“I wish,” she declared tiredly, “that I had gone with that weird pony. Anything is worth a try at this point.”

“Great!” replied the familiar voice from the mirror, “Pack fast and pack light, I want to catch the first morning train to Ponyville.”

~~~\o/~~~

It was still early morning when the express pulled in to Ponyville Station. Twilight had intended to question the pink pony further on the way to their destination, and certainly didn’t want to fall asleep while alone with the insane creature that had broken into her home. Despite this resolution, she had drifted off within five minutes of leaving Canterlot. She was awoken by the cotton candy scented mare shaking her violently.

“TWILIGHT!” she screamed, “WAKE UP! COME ON, TWILIGHT, YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP!”

“What is it?” asked Twilight when she jolted awake, “dragons?”

Pinkie Pie looked into the unicorn’s eyes with horror for a moment before relaxing and saying, “Silly Twi, you left Spike in Canterlot, remember? I’m glad you realised that this adventure is no place for a baby dragon. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you were awake to meet the rest of the Ponyville chapter of the FSM.”

“Then why were you yelling like that?”

“I dunno. Hey, let’s go meet your new buddies!”

Twilight placed her saddle bags on her back before following the pink pony off the train. Waiting for them on the platform was a group of four ponies, evidently a diverse rag-tag team of everymares. Casting her eyes from the left to the right, she saw a redneck in a Stetson, a bored looking and athletically built pegasus, a pristinely clean and immaculately groomed white unicorn, and a small yellow pegasus who looked like she was trying to hide in the corner of existence, out of every pony’s way. As Twilight hung back to consider these ponies for a moment, Pinkie bolted to her friends and greeted them enthusiastically.

“Oh, I missed you guys so so so much! I haven’t seen you in forever!”

“Urgh,” the cyan pegasus said, trying to suppress an affectionate smile, “Pinkie, you’ve only been gone two days!”

“An’ them two days didn’t feel right, did they?” the Stetson wearing earth pony smiled, before looking at Twilight, “this the unicorn you were tellin’ us about?”

“Right! Twi,” Pinkie waved her hoof down the line of ponies, “this is Rainbow Dash and Applejack, that’s Rarity and that’s Fluttershy. Come say hi!”

Twilight smiled shyly and took a step forward. She had never been much good at making new friends. She opened her mouth to say “hello”, but was cut off when Rainbow Dash swooped down in front of her, glaring at her.

“How do we know we can even trust you?” she demanded.

“Uh, well,”

“I mean,” the pegasus cut her off as she addressed her friends, “she could be a great agent of evil for all we know! She looks like a spy, to me.”

The five Pastafarians took a moment to stare at the lavender pony. She was shrinking down uncomfortably, forcing a smile. Beneath the judging gaze of the other ponies, Twilight blushed and scratched her hoof nervously on the ground. She looked like a self-conscious schoolgirl in front of her crush.

“Rainbow, please, you’re embarrassing yourself,” said Rarity. She smiled and trotted gracefully to her fellow unicorn, “I’m simply delighted to have a Canterlot mare in our midst. Oh, how I envy you. I’m a Canterlot girl at heart, you know. I was born in the wrong city!”

“Oh, er, thanks. It’s really not all it’s cracked up to be,” was all Twilight managed to say to the white mare. There was a brief pause before she looked at the only pony who hadn’t said anything so far. “Well, you’re a talkative one,” she smiled.

Fluttershy's eyes widened in fear as she gaped silently at the unicorn. Hiding her face behind the pink shield of her mane, she ground her hoof in the ground and mumbled inaudibly.

“Fluttershy doesn’t talk much,” explained Pinkie, “she’s shy. That’s why she’s called Fluttershy. Gee, we ponies aren’t real creative when it comes to names, huh? Anyway, I’m sure you two will be best buddies by the time we get to Baltimare.”

Applejack skewed her face in confusion. “Uh, wait. So, we’re goin’ ta Baltimare, now?”

“Well, duh. I just said that. Let’s go!”

With that, the pink pony bounced off, trusting that her friends would end up following her. After exchanging confused and concerned glances, the five comparatively sane ponies let out a collective sigh of incredulity. They followed Pinkie to the edge of Ponyville, eventually finding themselves at a river quay. The five were taken aback by what they saw. Pinkie was grinning at them broadly and, with great fanfare, she waved her hoof admiringly. “This is our ride,” she declared, “all aboard!”

Somehow, the pink mare had gotten her hooves on a small paddle steamer. It seemed tall compared to its width and length; a design to allow manoeuvrability in the small river without sacrificing too much space. Most of the deck was taken up by the cabin, a four level metal affair, painted a creamy white. The first three levels of the cabin were the same size, but the top was much smaller. It served as the wheelhouse, giving the driver a vantage point above the rest of the vessel. Behind the wheelhouse were two smokestacks. The paddle at the stern of the vessel looked so old and rusted to the point that the ponies doubted its functionality.

“Pinkie, you do know how to drive this thing, don’t you?” Rarity asked apprehensively.

“Oh, I’m sure I’ll pick it up.”

“I was afraid you’d say that.”

“Don’t be like that, Rarity,” she replied as she jumped aboard, “C’mon, it’ll be fun!”

Rainbow Dash didn’t waver in joining the earth pony on the boat. Landing beside her, she smirked back at the four hesitant ponies, challenging them to come aboard. “What’re you waiting for?” she asked playfully.

“Well, you’ve never led us astray before, Pinkie,” said Applejack as she sauntered up to the vessel, “I see no reason why you’d start now.” She leapt from the land onto the boat, taking a position near Rainbow Dash. “Alright, you three,” she smiled, “let’s get a mosey on.”

Twilight was the next to cross the threshold. With a deep breath, she resolved to show these ponies that she was no coward. Under the judgemental glare of the cyan pegasus, she leapt onto the boat and stood next to Pinkie Pie. The two earth ponies smiled at her approvingly, filling her with reassuring warmth.

“But it’s so DIRTY,” complained Rarity, “why can’t we take the train?”

“Urgh, I just caught a train all the way from Canterlot,” replied Pinkie, “I don’t wanna catch another one all the way to the east coast!”

“Now, ah’m sure Pinkie Pie’s got ‘er reasons,” assured Applejack, “she always does. C’mon board.”

With a disproving snort and her head held low, the unicorn begrudgingly joined the other four ponies on the deck. This left Fluttershy standing by herself on the ground, staring at the boat nervously.

“Oh... I don’t know...” she mumbled.

“Come, Fluttershy, the sooner we’re all on this dreadful contraption, the sooner we can get off it!” Rarity said.

“It’s not a contraption, it’s a paddle steamer,” Pinkie Pie corrected.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and slammed her hoof to her face. “Come ON, Fluttershy,” she said as she took to the air and swooped to the shy mare’s side, “we’re burning daylight here. You don’t want to be floating through the Everfree Forest at night, do you?”

“Th-th-the EVERFREE FOREST?” the yellow pegasus repeated.

“Oh, yea!” Pinkie chimed in, “To get to Baltimare by river, we need to go through the Everfree Forest. That’s why I wanted to get going early. Anyway, looks like we’re not going to clear the forest before nightfall anyway.”

Here Rainbow Dash started flailing her hooves at the pink pony, trying to prevent her from freaking out her fellow pegasus. She contorted her face into the most disapproving look she could muster, mouthing “NO! NO!” silently.

“I mean, at this stage, it’ll be dark way before we leave the forest anyway. Could be all kinds of creepies out and about. Spooky, huh?” The pink mare concluded.

Fluttershy was hyperventilating. Her legs felt wobbly, but were completely immobile. Both of her wings were clamped stubbornly against her body. With a weak murmur, her frail body gave way to the stress. She rolled her eyes into the back of her head and went limp, falling to the ground with a dull thud. There was a brief silence as the five conscious ponies regarded the catatonic mare.

“Well, that’s handy. Dashie, get her on board so we can get going!” Pinkie ordered before bouncing her way to the winding staircase at the vessel’s stern.

“Is she going to be okay?” asked Twilight.

“I reckon so. This happens a bit,” replied Applejack.

“I wasn’t talking about Fluttershy.”

“Neither was I. Dash, reckon you can get that one inside and get ‘er to come to by your lonesome? I wanna keep an eye on Pinkie. Don’t entirely trust her behind the wheel of this thing.”

“You got it,” replied Rainbow Dash as she lifted the limp pegasus.

~~~\o/~~~

With all the other ponies now on board, Pinkie Pie experimented with the controls in the wheelhouse as Applejack watched on nervously. With the crank of a handle, she managed to get the massive engine that sat below deck going, and a thick cloud began to billow out of the smokestacks. With a flick of her hoof, the pink pony pushed a lever forward. The vessel let out a terrible metallic clank, as if it was groaning in protest, but it slowly started moving downstream. To the surprise of ever pony on board, the paddle steamer managed to pull away from the quay and begin its journey without disaster.

“Applejack, why don’t you keep an eye on the engine below deck? I’ve got things under control up here.” The pink skipper said.

Applejack studied the smiling pony doubtfully for a moment. Having things “under control” wasn’t exactly the party pony’s forte. Chaos was usually more her style. Still, she had never let them down before, and she always had her reasons. Even if those reasons didn’t always make sense. With a reluctant nod, the workhorse turned away from the wheelhouse. She cast an unsure glance back at the skipper before descending the staircase.

Finally alone, Pinkie smiled wickedly and said to herself “Next stop: Everfree Forest.”

“I heard that,” stated Applejack, returning to the top deck.

“heard what?”

“Next stop: Everfree Forest.”

“I said that?”

“Yes you did.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Didn’t you?”

“Nope.”

“Oh. Alright then.” Applejack cast another glance at the pink mare before heading back down the stairs.

Pinkie followed her to make sure she was alone, before returning to the wheelhouse.

“Next stop: Everfree Forest,” she repeated. It didn’t really have the same impact. Applejack had ruined the line for her. She snorted in annoyance, before shrugging it off and focusing on the river ahead.

Get Off the Boat

While Rainbow Dash kept Fluttershy busy on the third floor, Twilight stood on the second level and gazed at the river dreamily. The cabin on the second floor had large windows along each wall, save for the area towards the stern that was occupied by the stairwell. It allowed for a pleasant view of the river, and the unicorn observed that they were entering the forest. She quickly became lost in her own thoughts, as she so often was, and the peaceful water seemed to make things clearer. The silent tranquillity was far removed from the busy streets of the capital. Her splendid isolationism from reality was interrupted by Rarity, who stood beside her and smiled.

“So, how are you taking all of this?” the white mare asked.

“It’s insane,” Twilight replied flatly.

“I quite agree with you,” Rarity smiled, “Pinkie’s style is certainly... well, let’s say unconventional. Anyway, I do see the logic behind taking the boat. She probably wants you to get your sea legs. Piracy is a proud Pastafarian tradition. If there is a battle, we’ll need to take to the high seas on a pirate ship. Global warming is the result of declining piracy, you know.”

Twilight turned to face the white mare, her face skewed with incredulity. “This is insanity,” she repeated.

“Truly,” replied Rarity with a light chuckle, “Pinkie is, without a doubt, insane. Regardless, she is the most esteemed Pastafarian, and the leader of the Ponyville chapter.”

“The craziest of you is the leader. How does that even happen?”

“Look, I was like you when I first joined. I was in contact with the FSM before I joined the Ponyville chapter, and when I met the pony who was, supposedly, the greatest Pastafarian of our time, I was simply astonished. At first, I thought they handed me the wrong dossier. I couldn’t believe Pinkie was the mare they described. Third generation Canterlot Academy, top of her class, Everfree, privateer, about a thousand decorations, et cetera. Then I heard her voice, and it really put the hook in me, but I couldn’t connect the voice with this mare. She had an impressive career. Maybe too impressive. I mean, perfect. She was being groomed for one of the top slots in the corporation. Admiral, Chief of Pastas, anything. In 1998, she returned from a tour with the Advisory Command in Hayseed, and things started to slip. Her report to the joint Chiefs of Pasta was restricted. Seems they didn’t like what she had to tell them. Anyway, that portfolio... it doesn’t match this mare. I’ve known her in passing since before I became a Pastafarian, and I’ve been in her chapter for just under a year. I still don’t entirely trust her.”

“You’re no Martin Sheen, Rarity. Nice effort, though,” said Pinkie. She wasn’t there a minute ago. It was like she’d just materialised out of thin air.

“Pinkie, I, err... wait, what?”

“You know, Captain Willard? No? Not important. Anyway, words can hurt, Rarity.”

“Pinkie, I-”

“I don’t know if I want to let you talk. Last time I heard you talk, you broke my heart.”

“Pinkie-”

“I mean, we’ve known each other for so long,” Pinkie said slowly, skewing her face in distress, “what possible reason do you have to not trust me?”

“Pinkie-”

“Alright, I’ll let you talk. Let’s see if you can dig yourself out of this one.”

“Pinkie, who’s driving the boat?”

Pinkie seemed to freeze, staring back at Rarity expressionlessly. It looked like the pony had finally snapped, her body no longer able to control her overactive brain. She was absolutely still. Both unicorns stared back at her concernedly. Something was certainly very wrong. Eventually, the pink pony smiled awkwardly and said “oops.”

As the unicorns gaped at her in disbelief, she smiled innocently. She was about to rush up to the wheelhouse when a loud grinding sound rang out, and the entire vessel lurched. All three ponies were knocked off their hooves as the deck tilted. The deck continued to tilt as the trio desperately hung onto whatever they could get their hooves around. The two unicorns hurried to the right, the side which had run aground and was being driven higher and higher, and managed to hold on to the grooves in the wall. Pinkie had scrambled into the stairwell, and had pressed herself into a corner so that she wouldn’t slip.

The vessel continued to surge forward, its starboard grinding up against the bank. The three ponies desperately clung on, willing the vessel to stop. Its deck was almost vertical when it finally ground to a halt. Reality seemed to suspend itself for a moment. Twilight and Rarity both had their eyes clamped shut in fear, and they simultaneously summoned the courage to open them moments after the boat halted. They immediately wished they hadn’t.

The wall they were clinging to had become the roof. Risking a glance down, Twilight realised they’d put themselves in a very bad position. A few metres’ drop away were the port windows; a wall of potentially dangerous glass. A few metres below this, the dark water of the Everfree River rose to meet the vessel. The waterline was rising fast, and would soon reach the second level’s port windows. If they fell, they would plunge through the glass and into the water, trapped beneath the massive vessel in a cold, watery tomb. The scholar and the white mare exchanged a terrified glance. Looking each other in the eye, they both let out an ear-splitting scream.

Her legs weakened with fear, Rarity couldn’t hold on any longer. As Pinkie called reassuringly to her two trapped friends, the glamour pony’s hooves gave way under the pressure. Twilight watched on uselessly. Her heart plunged even faster than the flailing unicorn. She hit the glass, plunging through it with a high-pitched smash. Through sheer desperation and willpower, she managed to grip onto the broken window, hanging over the water. The glass was cutting into her painfully, but it was safer than attempting to tread water in the evil river.

Twilight looked over to the stairwell, hoping against hope that the pink pony would pull an ace out of her sleeve. She was thoroughly disappointed. Her mouth opened in disbelief when she saw that their leader had disappeared. Apparently, they had placed their trust in the wrong pony. Her astonished daze was shattered as Rarity let out another desperate screech. The water was rising, and her hind hooves were now dangling in the water.

“Hold on, Rarity,” the scholar cried in the most reassuring voice she could muster, “I’m coming.”

Looking down at the dangerous drop, the lavender pony mustered all her willpower and inner strength. It was up to her. There was no other way. With a deep sigh, she resigned herself to the deed. Defying every instinct of self preservation, which seemed to be screaming at her to do nothing, she gently let go of the window and let herself slide down to the port wall.

Slowing herself as much as possible, Twilight eased herself onto wall. Trying to keep her hooves on the metal between the glass panes, she reached a front hoof down for Rarity to take a hold of. She gladly took it. Hauling with all her might, she couldn’t drag the white mare to safety. She never was a particularly strong pony. All she managed to do was bob her up and down a bit, causing the broken glass to dig further into the helpless unicorn.

The water had risen almost up to Rarity's waist. It wasn’t like normal water. Whether it was her fear, or some awful black magic at work, Rarity was convinced the river was sucking her downward. She trashed with her hind legs, desperately trying to kick herself up. All she managed to do was waste her energy.

“Rarity,” Twilight said, “I can’t pull you up like this. You need to let go of the window so I can dunk you down and use the buoyancy to help pull you out. Keep your hoof wrapped around mine, and you’ll be fine. I won’t let go of you.”

“But the water is so dirty!” Rarity protested.

“You have to trust me. It’s the only way.”

The two unicorns looked into each other’s eyes for a moment. Rarity’s eyes were pleading. The black water wasn’t just dirty, it was unnatural and terrifying. It was everything she’d been taught to fear. Allowing herself to sink into it sounded like suicide. As Twilight smiled at her reassuringly, she decided to trust her. She didn’t exactly have a choice anyway. With a hopeless sob, she lifter her hoof from the window frame. Closing her eyes, she inhaled deeply before allowing herself to sink into the cold, dark water.

Being submerged in the Everfree River was worse than Rarity could have imagined. It sucked the very life from her. She was weightless, useless and helpless. It felt like no pony would save her. She had thrown her life away. In less than a second, her lungs seemed to be bursting, desperately pleading for more oxygen. The river itself was coercing her into giving in and taking a lungful of freezing water.

Suddenly, the horror seemed to draw away from her. She felt something tugging at one of her front hooves, joined almost immediately by a tug on her other front hoof. She opened her eyes and squinted up through the murky water. Before she knew what was happening, she was surging to the surface and her head cleared the waterline. She landed on top of a panting lavender unicorn.

“See,” Twilight said between gaps, “buoyancy. Why work hard when you can work,” her speech was interrupted as she gasped for breath. She gently rolled the white mare off of her before finishing “why work hard when you can work smart?”

***

The two unicorns lay side by side on the glass, holding as still as possible. They were conscious of the possibility that another pane would break, and they tried to put their weight on the frames rather than the glass itself. All the while, they were desperately trying to figure out a way to get out of the vessel. They realised that, although the starboard had run aground, the entire vessel was slowly sliding into the river. That’s what was causing the water to rise. Even as the freezing water rose through the window, the ponies didn’t want to attempt the crawl to the stairwell. If they fell, they would surely smash through a window, back into the river.

Twilight was almost ready to give up hope when a high pitched voice called from the stairwell, “Hey! Twi! Rarity! I found the rope!”

The frizzy mane popped out from around the corner, and the blue eyes narrowed at the pair of unicorns in disbelief. “You fell down too, Twi? I thought I’d only have to rescue one of you. Rarity, you look cold. Grab onto this. Twi, you’ll have to wait up a bit.”

Pinkie threw a rope down to the unicorns and disappeared back into the stairwell. Rarity held her end of the rope aloft with her unicorn magic and examined it, before casting her gaze up. The rope didn’t appear to be secured to anything. She glanced at Twilight concernedly, who merely shrugged. She looked back at the rope and opened her mouth to say something, but was cut off by a loud creak which ran out as the vessel began to sink faster. Abandoning her previous train of thought, she looked back at the scholar.

“Well, I suppose this is our best option,” she said with a weak smile.

Tying the rope around her waist and wrapping it around bother her front legs, Rarity placed her rear hooves on the almost vertical deck. “I’m secure!” she called. The rope tightened, supporting the unicorn’s weight enough so that she could walk up towards the stairwell. She was sweating in fear, but the safety above was growing closer and closer. “Don’t look down,” she told herself, “whatever you do, don’t look down. Don’t look down.” Then she looked down.

Another ear-splitting screech rang out. Whoever was pulling the rope was evidently shocked by this, because the rope instantly slackened off. Rarity plunged down to the bottom, but was yanked back up barely a metre from the glass. She was winded by the sudden force around her stomach, but still conscious and able to move.

“Don’t do that again!” the voice of Rainbow Dash rang out, “You unicorns are WAY heavier than pegasi.”

Rarity couldn’t manage a reply, but did manage to resume her ascent. With a great effort, she finally made it to the stairwell. A minute or so passed after the white mare disappeared, and the water was still rising. It was too deep to lie down, so Twilight was forced to her hooves. Legs quivering with fear and exhaustion, she willed the rescuers to speed up.

As the water approached neck height, the lavender pony was starting to think the other five had abandoned her. Sure, she was the new one. Why would they risk themselves to save her? After all, Rainbow Dash was evidently the one with the rope, and she didn’t even trust her. She briefly tried treading water, but kept sinking. Placing her hind hooves against the wall, the unicorn stood bipedal in a desperate effort to keep her head above water. The river was rising past her forelegs. A coldness gripped the unicorn. Death itself seemed to be caressing her neck. Convinced that this was how she would die, she barely noticed when the rope was thrown down for her.

With a heavy sigh, Twilight fastened the rope around herself. “Ok, start pulling!” she called out to whoever would listen. As the rope tightened around her, she dragged herself up the deck and into the stairwell.

Here, Twilight saw what had previously been invisible to her. They weren’t merely taking cover in the stairwell to stay away from the water. The rope wound around the stairs, exiting the vessel through the top deck. This must have been why it took them so long to throw the rope down for her once Rarity was clear. When she finally exited the doomed boat, the scholar quickly placed her hooves on the railing around the stairwell on the top deck, which took her weight.

Glancing ahead, the lavender pony saw Pinkie was clinging onto the rope as she braced herself against the wheelhouse. Soaring above her, Rainbow Dash was holding the end of the rope. “I see her!” called the cyan pegasus, at which point the party pony let go of the rope with an exhausted groan. The scholar unwrapped the rope, allowing the metal railing to take her whole weight. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy flew down and, taking one side each, lifted her off the vessel. They placed her safely on the river bank next to Applejack and Rarity. Having rescued the unicorn, they flew back to retrieve the last pony. The two pegasi placed the panting pink pony on the ground and stood over her.

“So, that went well,” said Pinkie.

Voodoo Child

With five ponies toting pump-action shotguns and one with powerful unicorn magic, the diverse team of Pastafarians made their way through the jungle with renewed confidence. Twilight had long since given up on making sense of the situation, and was starting to embrace the idea of a group of ponies going head to head with zombies in the name of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Besides, anything was better than the awful nightmares.

The ponies had been in the Everfree Forest for a few hours, and the forest already seemed to be getting dark. Even with their weaponry, none of the ponies much liked the idea of being in the middle of the forest at night. A twinge of relief was mixed into Twilight’s sense of apprehension and fear when she saw a glimpse of the ruins through the trees. They were finally approaching their destination, which she supposed was good. On the other hoof, there were apparently going to be zombies there. She shook her head in disbelief at that thought.

With the six pones mere metres from the ruins, a sickening sound suddenly rang out. It caused Rarity to shriek and Fluttershy to faint, while the other four gritted their teeth and winced in pain, trying to persevere through the awful noise. The blare was unlike anything they had ever heard; a deafeningly loud screech that seemed absolutely unnatural. It was an impossibly synthetic and unreal noise, like ‘Furries in a Blender’, accompanied by a painful yelling, screeching, and splattering, like furries in a blender.

With a determined groan, Twilight attempted to clear her mind. She breathed heavily, blocking the otherworldly song from her consciousness. Struggling to force all her energy to her horn, she dug her hooves into the ground. Waves of pure contempt swelled from the temple ruins, repelling the ponies. The magician wouldn’t give up. Her horn glowing with power, she let out a great roar. Pushing her head into the air, she released her energy.

Pure magic radiated from the unicorn. Purple waves of energy erupted from her horn in a deafening explosion. Her eyes glowed and she ground her teeth in the effort, willing the evil forces away. As the echoes of her magic rang out, she collapsed to the ground, exhausted. Tilting her head up weakly, a pleased smile curled on her lips. The foul noise had stopped. She had kept the evil at bay.

“Fillies and gentlecolts, the element of magic,” Rainbow Dash declared with a broad smile.

“Nicely done, sugar cube,” Applejack said, helping the unicorn to her feet.

“Not out of the woods yet,” stated Pinkie, “let’s get in there and get the elements.”

The cyan pegasus shook Fluttershy awake, and they both un-slung their weapons. Guns held aloft in their front hooves, they hovered through the entrance of the ruins. The other four followed close behind, scanning the area with their eyes. In case of sneaky zombies.

As the six ponies entered the marble ruin, they were shocked by what they saw. The temple was long and made of marble. It was unfurnished, save for a throne at the far side of the room. There was only one entrance. Sitting atop the throne was the most unusual creature any of them had ever seen.

He had the form of a stallion, but seemed bent and twisted in impossible ways. His green, decaying skin hung from him loosely, barely covering the workings of muscle and bone beneath. Parts of his skin were missing entirely, revealing his grotesque innards. His jaw hung loosely from his head, but it was still somehow clear that his lipless mouth was curled into a smile. Atop his head was a thin, silver crown.

“It’s the zombie king!” Pinkie whispered.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” muttered Twilight.

Applejack unloaded her shotgun at the creature, who didn’t even flinch. The buckshot seemed to be absorbed by his body, having no impact whatsoever. His wicked smile broadened with each subsequent shot, until the earth pony’s weapon was empty.

The zombie king let out a maniacal laugh. “Ah, my little ponies. I’ve been expecting you. Go, my minions, ATTACK! MWAHAHA!”

Twilight spun around and looked at the only entrance. She couldn’t believe how stupid she’d been. Swarming through the entrance was a horde of moaning, half decayed ponies. They were headed straight for her. “IT’S A TRAP!” she declared, letting out a bolt of magic to slow the swarm.

The five other ponies hastily turned to face the exit and fired wildly. Spent cartridges and bits of zombies were flying everywhere. Fluttershy was laughing wickedly as she hovered overhead, unloading buckshot into the swarm. Rainbow Dash was also airborne, and taking occasional concerned glances at her fellow pegasus. Applejack had reloaded her weapon, and was standing on her hind legs, unloading into the crowd, screaming “GET SOME! GET SOME!” Rarity held her shotgun aloft with her magic, but wasn’t doing any fighting. She was too busy dodging the bits of dead pony flying all over the place.

“They’re so DIRTY!” she screamed.

Rolling her eyes in derision, Twilight called out to the pink pony who had taken to using her empty gun as a club, “Pinkie! Wind me up!”

“Time to call in the big guns!” she replied, bouncing to the unicorn’s side.

Grabbing Twilight’s tail, Pinkie cranked it as fast as she could, sending a rapid stream of magic bolts into the swarm.

“Empty!” cried Applejack as she backed up behind the Gatling unicorn.

“Me too,” said Rainbow Dash, flying safely above the zombies.

Fluttershy’s weapon clicked uselessly as she pulled the trigger, and she screamed in fury. With a wicked grin, she zoomed down to fight the zombies hoof-to-hoof. Bucking wildly, she started screaming at the top of her lungs, “Who’s the weakling now, huh? WHO’S WEAK NOW?” Rainbow Dash was quick to swoop down and drag her away. The shy pegasus resisted with all her might, but was lifted from the pile of death regardless.

“Probably not a good idea,” advised the cyan pegasus as she struggled to pull her friend to safety.

The fighting ponies had run out of ammo, but the zombies showed no sign of letting up. A pile of defeated zombies lay before them, but still more were swarming through the entrance. Sweat broke out on Twilight’s brow as Pinkie cranked her tail harder and harder. “There’s too many, I can’t keep this up,” she cried.

Rarity looked down at her weapon. She hadn’t discharged a single round. Fighting the undead was dirty work, and the white mare didn’t want to have a bar of it. With her friends exhausted and out of ammo, she realised that she had no choice. With a moan of frustration, she stood up and did her best to ignore the decaying flesh flying towards her.

“Every pony, behind me now!” she demanded as she started lining up shots on the zombies.

With five exhausted ponies huddled behind her, the white mare desperately unloaded the weapon. One zombie got particularly close, and when she blew its head off, bits of rotting pony sprayed her face. She screamed in dismay, but kept firing nonetheless. She couldn’t let her friends down.

The zombie king let out another evil laugh. “You can’t hope to defeat me! I control the army of the dead. There are plenty of corpses in this forest for me to raise. My power knows no bounds. I stand up next to a mountain, and chop it down with the edge of my hand. Yea. I stand up next to a mountain and chop it down with the edge of my hand. I’ll pick up all the pieces and make a little island, might even raise a little sand.”

Pinkie gaped in disbelief, before taking her cue. Under Rarity’s covering fire, she approached the king and sang, “because you’re a voodoo child. Lord knows, you’re a voodoo child!”

Here the zombie king raised a hoof, and his zombie minions suddenly halted. Rarity ceased firing. The night was still for a moment. No pony was hurting any pony. With a broad smile, the zombie king pulled a guitar out from behind his throne and proceeded to shred that shit. The two ponies completed the weirdest cover of Voodoo Child in recorded Equestrian history. The zombie king played the guitar very well for a rotting, hoofed creature. In fact, he played in a way which ought to be impossible for any pony. Once they had completed their performance, the undead lord and the pink pony were both smiling broadly and drenched in sweat.

“You guys are cool,” the zombie king concluded, “I’ll help you.”

He drew a small statuette from behind his throne and, with a moment’s hesitation, threw it down for the pink pony to observe. She took it in her mouth and brought it over to her friends, placing it on the floor for all to see. They recoiled in disgust at the figure. It was a depiction of a black, ugly creature, carved from some unidentifiable, otherworldly material. The thing was no bigger than a hoof, yet seemed incredibly daunting and terrible. It was an impossible creature. Tentacles, demonic wings, claws, et cetera.

Pinkie smiled in bewilderment before muttering under her breath, “Cthulhu.”

“So, you’ve met?” the zombie king asked with a sardonic smirk.

“Well, that makes things a lot clearer. We need the elements.”

“No, my little ponies, you ARE the elements!” yelled the zombie king. With a flick of his rotting hoof, the necklaces, and Twilight’s big crown thingy, materialised before each pony. With a moment’s hesitation, they put the jewellery on. If you can’t trust the zombie king, who can you trust?

“I will now summon the portal of plot convenience to take you to Baltimare.” He flicked his hoof again, and a purple oval opened up before the six ponies.

The six mares gazed at the portal in awe. They couldn’t believe how cooperative the king was being. Then again, when you’re a zombie, it’s not easy making friends. He was probably very grateful to meet a pony who he could jam with.

“Stop by if you’re ever in the Everfree,” he added.

Twilight placed the statue in her saddlebag. Looking back at the other ponies she said “Once more into the breach,” before stepping into the portal and crossing the threshold.

***

As she crossed through the portal, the first thing Twilight felt was a crisp, salty breeze on her face. It smelt wonderful after the claustrophobic humidity of the Everfree Forest. Opening her eyes, she found herself atop a grassy hill, gazing out across a vast bay in the dead of night. On the opposite side of the bay, the city’s skyline lit up like a Christmas tree. She recognised the place from books. She was standing on the edge of the Cheapskate Bay which was surrounded by Baltimare, Mareland.

“See? Told you we were going to Baltimare!” said Pinkie as she joined Twilight.

The other four ponies followed shortly afterwards, and they stood side by side, taking in the view. It was a still night. They were unarmed now; there would be no more need for violence that night. Not a sound rang out across the water. They were grateful for the moment’s rest. After fighting a horde of zombies and performing a Jimi Hendrix cover, it’s nice to just stand quietly and feel the cool breeze.

“Have any of you been here before?” Twilight asked in little more than a murmur, still staring out across the water.

Four of them shook their heads, and Pinkie replied “Only on business. Never had a chance to take in the sights. You miss a lot when you’re working for the Church, you know.”

“Yea, I see that now. I guess you better explain this whole ‘Cthulhu’ business to us.”

At first Twilight thought that Pinkie mustn’t have heard her. She was staring blankly out across the bay, her eyes watery and her face vacant. The pony may have been on the hill that night, but her mind was clearly elsewhere. Somewhere she didn’t need to worry about the Cult of Cthulhu.

“You know, I think it can wait until morning,” the party pony concluded with a smile. Her fellow Pastafarians were more than happy to have the night off. It had been a long day.

Zombies? Really?

The five ponies stared down at Pinkie Pie for a moment. None were in a state to say anything. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were exhausted from pulling ponies from the vessel. Applejack was bruised from falling over in the small engine room when the boat ran aground. Twilight was cramped from lifting Rarity from the waters and climbing the rope. Pinkie pie was doubled over, breathless from hauling her fellow ponies out of the wreck. Rarity was freezing and wet maned, with rough cuts and abrasions from the glass. The white unicorn was the most severely injured, and was appropriately the most outraged by Pinkie’s assessment of the situation. She took a moment to regain her energy, and then rebuked the pink pony with passionate anger.

“Well?” she hissed, “you think that went WELL? Some pony could have been killed in there, Pinkie! Look at us, we’re all bashed, battered, bruised and breathless beyond belief! We’re stranded in the middle of the Everfree Forest, and our only transportation is sinking, thanks to your carelessness. So tell me, DEAR FRIEND, how did you summon the pure gall to make light of this situation and say that it went WELL?”

“Lighten up Rarity. It’s all good.” The pink pony retorted.

The unicorn stared down at the pink pony for a moment. Her face was skewed in a peculiar way. She was trying, with little success, to maintain her composure in spite of herself. The anger seemed to be forcing itself through her dignified stare. Her eyes bulged and her teeth ground in fury. She was about to continue her rant, but realised it would be useless. With a frustrated groan, she slammed her hoof on the ground and pouted crossly.

“Why DID we have to take the paddle steamer, anyway?” demanded Twilight.

“I’d hoped you’d use your magic to rescue Rarity,” replied Pinkie.

“What?”

“You’re a smart cookie, I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Anyway, we better get a move on. I want to reach the temple quickly. Let’s go!”

***

For some reason they couldn’t quite figure out, the five ponies ended up following Pinkie through the forest. This sort of thing wasn’t exactly uncommon, but none of them felt entirely comfortable in the evil forest. There was a growing dissent in the group. Maybe it was time for a new leader; this one was starting to put their lives in danger.

Pinkie seemed to sense the foul mood. With a disgruntled huff, she realised that some action was necessary. She slowed her pace, and looked back at the other ponies as she said “Okay, maybe I owe you an explanation. I’ve told you I think an evil is coming. A true evil. Eviler than all the evils we’ve un-evil’d before. Eviler than we can handle. That’s why I brought Twi in. Now, one unicorn obviously isn’t much help. But together, we’re the strongest counter-evil force ever known.”

Twilight looked around at the other ponies. Six ponies, including herself. A diverse group of heroes out to defy evil together. She finally started to gather an understanding. “You said you wanted to find a temple,” she observed, “you want to find the elements of harmony, don’t you?”

“I knew you were a smart cookie!”

“Er, now hold on a sec,” Applejack interjected, “what’s an element of harmony?”

“The elements of harmony are the most powerful weapons ever created. Celestia forged them herself to take down Nightmare Moon. But only the ponies who represent each element can wield them. Loyalty, honesty, laughter, kindness, generosity and magic. How do you even know about the elements? And what makes you think we’re the elements? You can’t just choose six ponies at random and give them the elements, it doesn’t work like that. It takes true heroes, ponies of legend!”

“Well,” Pinkie cleared her throat before continuing, “when she was demanded of the masses, when the elements of harmony should come, she answered and said, the elements of harmony cometh not with observation: neither shall they say, lo here! Or lo there!”

“For, behold, the elements of harmony are within you,” Twilight finished, “That’s from the book of the Alicorn. How do you know that? The only reason I know that is because I’ve been researching it ahead of the Summer Sun Celebration.”

“Hey, I read. A lot. I mean, I’m the chapter president for a reason, you know.”

“But that’s a religious text. Not a Pastafarian one.”

“Call it my little heresy. Anyway, my point is the elements of harmony aren’t just wielded by six ponies, Twi. Any pony who proves themselves can wield them.”

“That’s why you hoped I’d use magic to help save Rarity.”

“I’d also hoped Rarity would offer you the rope first. Applejack needed to honestly tell me what was happening to save herself, Rainbow Dash stayed loyal through the whole rescue effort, and Fluttershy showed her kindness by helping. I’m trying to smile, smile, smile all the way through the Everfree. Guess we’ll need another test for you two, huh?”

“You mean you DELIBERATELY crashed to boat?” demanded Rarity in a sinister, cold tone.

Pinkie stopped in her tracks and sighed. Turning to face her friends with pleading, watery eyes, she pulled the best puppy dog face she could muster. Even the adorable warmth of the pink pony’s pout couldn’t thaw the five stone cold glares coming at her. When pure cuteness failed her, the earth pony turned to her last resort. Frankly, she hated it when things got this far. She would have to try to use rationality.

“I had to, okay?” she said, “If we don’t get the elements before the darkness breaks out, Equestria is over. Everything we’ve worked for, everything we love, we’ll see it all go down the drain. We need the elements, and the only way to get them is in this forest. I knew you wouldn’t have gone in voluntarily, so I had to get you in here my own way.”

“I was right to distrust you. It’s quite convenient how you suddenly become so articulate when you need to explain yourself, isn’t it?”

“This is bigger than us, Rarity. The weight of the world is on our shoulders. What I did was wrong, but given what’s at stake, I’d do it again.”

“You’re not the one who gets to choose if we save the world. That’s a decision we need to make for ourselves. You can’t just trick us into saving the world.”

Pinkie considered this for a moment, furrowing her brow in thought. After a moment’s respite, she looked the white mare in the eye and replied, “You know, I’ve been conditioned to always think about the greater good. I didn’t even take your free will into account. I, err, I’m sorry.” The pink pony looked around at her friends. Their glares were icier and more judgemental than ever. Seeing that her apology was insufficient, she ground her hoof into the ground and continued, “I’m sorry. Listen, I did the wrong thing by you. I promise I won’t try to trick you again. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”

The five took a moment to exchange glances. At least they understood her motivations now. She had wronged them all, but she seemed genuinely remorseful. The pink pony had just made a mistake. Once she’d reflected on the conversation or a moment, Rarity allowed her lips to curl into a smile.

“Well, I forgive you. Sorry for snapping at you earlier, by the way,” she said.

“I probably had that coming.”

“You really, REALLY did.”

The six ponies laughed together as they proceeded through the forest. They were convinced that Pinkie was still a good pony, if a little misguided. As long as she didn’t deceive them again, the five would gladly stay by her side.

“As long as you’re talking, what’s the plan now?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“We’ll just head to the temple ruins. There’ll be plenty of opportunity for these two to show off their elements there, don’t worry.” Replied the pink pony.

“Oh yea? What’re we going up against?”

“My guess is these weird creatures. They travel in groups, mindlessly hobbling about. They’re terrible things, feeding on the brains of ponies to sustain themselves. Once they’ve gotten a hold on you, you turn into one. That’s why they’re so terrifying. They represent the dark side of ponies. The mindless, stupid herd mentality that survives within all of us. They’re ponies, stripped of compassion, empathy and reason. They hobble about in a collective, one autonomous swarm striving towards an unclear goal. It’s like looking into a shocking, stupid, slow mirror.”

“So... COMMUNISTS?”

“Sort of. They’re called zombies.”

Here Twilight let out a derisive groan and said “zombies? Really?”

“Hey, this is serious!” insisted Rainbow Dash.

“Zombies? That’s what we’re doing? Ok, I’ll go along with this. How are we going to kill these zombies?”

Pinkie stopped suddenly and smiled at her friends. “Applejack, get the lead out.”

The workhorse returned the smile and undid her saddlebag with her teeth. Standing bipedal, she reached a hoof to her back and grinned wickedly.

“How’re we gunna take ‘em out?” she repeated. Her hoof found what it was searching for. With a swift swing of her leg, she drew out a pump-action shotgun.

“Why, with vastly superior firepower, of course!” she concluded. A cigar had somehow manifested itself between Applejack’s teeth, and she was wearing aviators all of a sudden.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” moaned the scholar.

“Now, look here sugar cube. Every pony knows that when you go up against zombies, you jus’ gotta have a shotgun.”

“How are you even holding it? How are you going to shoot it? You don’t have any fingers!”

Pinkie looked the lavender unicorn dead in the eye and said “Twilight, I wouldn’t question this if I were you. Just go with it, okay?”

“This is so stupid.”

“You’re on a quest with a group of Pastafarians to find the macguffins of harmony and we’re about to fight some zombies. I think you’ve gone too far down the rabbit hole to reasonably question anything.”

“I could just leave now, before it gets too weird.”

“You can’t do that, then you’ll never know how Cthulhu comes into play!”

Twilight was befuddled. With all her experience with academia and rational argument, she didn’t know how to deal with something so illogical. It only took the slightest dose of randomness to knock her out of her comfort zone, and the pink pony had no shortage of randomness. She couldn’t win an argument with her, because there was no way to argue with her. Pinkie could disregard any point she made by introducing a hitherto unmentioned factor. Still, the scholar didn’t fancy being left alone in the Everfree.

“Fine, let’s go kill some zombies with a shotgun.”

“Shotguns. Plural,” Pinkie corrected. Every other pony now had a weapon slung over their backs.

“Now where in Equestria did they even- oh, forget it. Lead on.”