Who Killed Captain Shining Armor?

by TwiFan6789

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Random, Shining Armor, Violence, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Death
Length: 3313

SUPA ACTION-PACKED MOVIE

"I-I mean I did not kill Captain Shining Armor. Someone killed him. Maybe. I don't know."

Please don't take this seriously.

Published 2022-01-19 13:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-02-01 14:20:50 UTC

The Crystal Mafia

Reporters swarmed around the crystal palace, clutching onto cameras and microphones as the mythical figure stepped out of its ornate entrance.

“Captain Shining Armor, is this true? Are you going to lead the hunt for the Crystal Mafia? When will you arrest the Crystal Mafia?” a voice blurted out, almost accusingly.

Equestria’s best soldier stood proud on the glittering, pristine steps, the myriad of medals pinned onto his chest blessing every soul with the glory of reflected light. He smiled, exposing a perfect set of teeth.

“Very soon,” the legendary stallion revealed. “The Crystal Mafia is on the run. We will catch the imposters of our city and bring justice back to the Empire. And Princess Cadance has personally appointed me to take the Crystal Mafia down and rid of them forever.”

The crowd gasped. “Sir, is the city safe?”

Captain Shining Armor waved it off with a hoof. “Don’t be stupid. And if you will excuse me, I will begin drafting plans for the attack on the Crystal Mafia.”

Before the crowd could continue chasing the amazing Captain Shining Armor for more answers, he activated his supa horn, discharging a supa amount of magical energy to teleport him exactly three and four-sixteenths of a nautical mile to the military base supa fast.

Blipping into existence, he telepathically triggered all personnel to attack the nearby Crystal Mafia base, which was the center of the Crystal Mafia’s illegal business of selling donuts at atrociously low prices that forced Donut Joe to close down. This market failure meant less money was trickling into the Crystal Empire’s coffers every day, and this had to be stopped by government intervention (a.k.a. force) before Equestria sunk into financial contagion and an economic crisis.

All soldiers were granted an exclusive, supa-edition cupcake-icing bazooka launcher and the Mark III banana mint icing concoction to deal maximum, infrastructural and psychological damage to any rogue, or would-be Crystal Mafian hiding in the safehouse.

Through the power of magical triangulation, the wonderful Captain Shining Armor began deploying his troops for supa-action from a distance through the sheer power of his intelligence. He employed an epic pincer attack on a stray Crystal Mafian who was foalishly guarding the wooden safehouse in an exposed position. Being unequivocally more than a tactical genius himself, he was insulted by how little they thought of him as a worthy opponent in this grand confrontation of mind and might. The Crystal Mafia would pay dearly for this with donuts.

At the right moment, three of his troops sprung up and caught the exposed pony guard in their hooves, lifting him into the air, their exclusive, supa-edition cupcake-icing bazooka launcher and the Mark III banana mint icing concoction ammunition trained on the joker.

However, the Crystal Mafia also had a monopoly on the karate industry of Equestria. Their soldiers have been proficiently and proactively trained in many styles of karate, enabling most to land in the bracket of a B rank supa-kung fu master.

The hapless, constrained Crystal Mafia guard adopted a Shotokan stance and supa-kicked the attacking pegasus, causing his teeth to fly three and a half light years away. He then somersaulted in the air, his hooves spinning about for support and supa-kicked the Earth pony constraining him, snapping his bazooka launcher into two. Staggering onto the ground, the Crystal Mafia guard shouted a “KIAI” and threw himself onto the final opponent, punching him at a moderate 200 punches per second. Even a borderline B rank fighter was incapable of dishing out such weak amounts of damage.

Except…this was all part of the brilliant Captain Shining Armor’s battle plans. While those three were mindlessly grabbing their chests in pain and shame, another sixty-six soldiers took advantage of this distraction to leap through the shattered windows of the safehouse to destroy the practically infinite supply of flour, eggs and sugar fuelling the subsidized donut industry with their bazookas. His eyes lit up at the telepathic reports of mounds of stockpiled foods, before he realized the safehouse in question was not only enabling the subsidized supply of donuts, but other confectionaries such as cupcakes, eclairs and more.

The Crystal Mafian troops holding out inside were caught unawares, and even though they all had black belts in karate, the daily consumption of donuts meant that most suffered from the severe implications of Type II diabetes.

Some experienced shock at the utter destruction of their candyland of glucose, reporting to the medical bay of the safehouse immediately. Being a merciful individual, the compassionate Captain Shining Armor specifically commanded his forces not to attack the overworked fifteen year old medical professional struggling to diagnose which type of shock her patients were exposed to. The sarcastic Captain Shining Armor rolled his eyes in disdain subconsciously at her lack of intellect.

But before the gleeful Captain Shining Armor could blink, the entire safehouse was neutralized as his troops blasted the remaining resistance within with the surplus bazooka shots he pre-prepared for this contingency, inflicting them with the dangerous effects of Type V diabetes.

Unfortunately, the only competent Crystal Mafian guard had managed to slip between his hooves to inform the boss of the Crystal Mafia of his attack on the cupcake industry. But the illustrious Captain Shining knew how important cupcakes were to the Crystal Mafia. He had pierced an important artery that linked to the heart of evil in this criminal organization in a supa-blow. With one of their revenue streams cut, the Crystal Mafia would struggle in financing their Equestrian-wide network of companies, agents and mobs.

It was only a matter of time when he would be able to hunt down the mob boss of the Crystal Mafia and eliminate them.

He clapped his hooves together, and rubbed them. His eyes landed onto the mess of maps and convoluted arrows drawn conspicuously around the axes of advance. He knew what he had to do to put the final nail in the coffin for the infamous Crystal Mafia.

He was ready. He had to be.

Until a bullet greeted him, and he died.

Author's Note

I'll write the rest when I'm bored, I guess.

Dinosaurs!

Running through the field of dinosaurs, the Rushsian infiltrating agent entered the central headquarters of the venerable Captain Shining Armor’s military base. Bribed with a petty sum of 3.14 million bits, the Rushsian infiltrating agent began leveling his supa-deadly tennis ball bazooka launcher, poised to stop any unicorn in his path, most particularly the useless Captain Shining Armor.

After the passage of homogeneous, transverse time, he rounded the corner and saw two unicorn guards standing by mindlessly. With the precision of Rushsian roulette, he fired onto the two unicorn guards, the tennis balls preventing the casting of offensive magical attacks due to its insulative nature. The two unicorn guards collapsed before the might of the supa-deadly tennis ball bazooka launcher, the former due to the tennis ball hitting him square in the face, while the latter slipped over and fell onto a tennis ball.

Suddenly, a guard noticed the Rushsian sneaking into the ultimate high-security clearance military base and grappled with him, kicking his supa-deadly bazooka out of the way, making him supa-less deadly.

However, as everybody in Equestria knew kung fu, the Rushsian spun around and punched the guard. Despite this, as the guard is a supa-kung fu master, the guard twirled around like a ballet dancer, avoiding the endless waves of punches coming from the Rushsian. Finally aware that the spy had been disarmed, he began firing at the Rushsian spy with magical blasts.

Thinking quickly, the Rushsian dashed down the hallway, hoping to find Captain Shining Armor. This attracted the attention of more guards that began to pursue him at high speed down the maze of corridors. After a game of Where’s Wally, the guard finally managed to track the Rushsian down.

But it was too late. The spy entered Captain Shining Armor’s ultimate office to find his dead corpse. As the entire security perimeter force stormed into the idiotic Captain Shining Armor’s room, they chanced upon a Minnie Mouse plushie, and his lifeless corpse.

Assuming that the Rushsian spy had killed Captain Shining Armor, they opened fire on him with an assortment of weaponry, including but not limiting to the Mark VI chocolate fondue blaster, the supa-penetrating five nanometer anti-tank gun, the supa-amazing magically-enhanced magic blaster and the supa-deadly tennis ball launcher. Unfortunately, due to the death of Captain Shining Armor, Equestria’s best soldier, his soldiers had instantly lost 40 IQ points, and were now aiming with the accuracy of stormtroopers.

With little effort, the spy leapt under the glorious Captain Shining Armor’s table, which, other than being able to withstand 13.5 Richter scale earthquakes, could easily sustain and protect the said assortment of firepower Captain Shining Armor’s minions could throw at it.

Realizing the opportunity, the Rushsian spy carried the table with his two front hooves, and dashed toward the attacking crowd with a ramming attack. It was supa-effective, knocking the entire contingent of soldiers like pins on a bowling alley, due to the epic defensive stats of the discerning Captain Shining Armor’s table. One guard flew to the air, slamming onto the wall with the speed of subatomic particles in the Large Hadron Collider.

Dismayed, the Rushsian spy, being unable to kill the amazing Captain Shining Armor, activated his supa-high-velocity runic particle accelerator, firing a pea at 90% the speed of light, destroying the entire complex.

He left the complex to find the ultimate mob boss of the Crystal Mafia to report on his mysterious findings.

“WHO KILLED CAPTAIN SHINING ARMOR?!” Spoiled Richard (not Spoiled Rich), the ultimate mob boss of the Crystal Mafia, boomed in the face of three puny ponies in front of him. “What the hell happened?!”

Spoiled Richard turned to face the Rushsian spy, who stood competently by the side, looking adamant. But Spoiled Richard Batman-slapped him with a “POW”, knocking him senseless to the ground. The spy clasped onto his bleeding face.

“Are you crazy? You want money for this!? Did YOU kill him?” Spoiled Richard remained steadfast in his line of questioning.

“No, no! It’s not me! He’s already dead when I arrived at his supa-secret military headquarters. Please! Don’t kill me!” the Rushsian spy begged.

Unsatisfied, Spoiled Richard grabbed a pistol with his hooves and fired it at the Rushsian spy, somehow. The Rushsian spy died.

Spoiled Richard then looked into the camera, his eyes bulging. “Then who killed Captain Shining Armor? WHO?!”

“I did.”

Author's Note

Man, the man is killing me, man!

Supa Fighter

“Who said that?!” Spoiled Richard blurted out.

Amberclue, an ultimate thirty-seven year old medical professional, stepped prominently into the fray. Unlike her sister, who was the fifteen year old medical professional who was working on behalf of the Crystal Mafia and had been corrupted by their morbid sense of morality as she was a most naive individual, Amberclue possessed exceptional medical knowledge as she not only entered residency, but also had worked in the medical industry at one of the nearby, prestigious hospitals for over a decade and hence was more than capable in dealing with situations such as this.

“You…you…killed Captain Shining Armor?” Spoiled Richard’s eyes widened. He could barely holster his pistol to point at the magnificent power and professionalism of Amberclue. The amount of knowledge encased in such a small volume was sufficient to generate a Schwarzschild wormhole. Only the tightly-bound neurons in Amberclue's big brain were able to prevent the systematic collapse of the gravity of information condensed.

Besides, Spoiled Richard could not believe that a medical professional would not honor their oath to treat patients, and simply conduct euthanasia at the earliest opportunity without seeking consent. It was profoundly unheard of to even an insane mind such as that from Spoiled Richard. To think that anyone would do this for even the most bountiful of rewards would be morally reprehensible.

“No,” Amberclue responded, her head torsionally oscillating from left to right on triaxial dimensions in spatiotemporality. “My sister did.”

“LIAR!” Spoiled Richard shouted. “You killed Captain Shining Armor to take the glory for yourself!”

Suddenly, the door slammed open to reveal the infamous fifteen year old MD who had finally managed to diagnose all patients in the attacked safehouse with her diagnosis and treatment devices, capable of checking vitals programmatically. Bright light flashed behind her, revealing a blackened silhouette. She stepped forward.

Spoiled Richard, realizing the knowledge—or rather, lack of—knowledge in that fifteen year old MD’s mind, extended his hooves outwards. “Oh, you’re approaching me? Instead of running away, you are coming right to me?”

The fifteen year old MD didn’t respond.

Spoiled Richard smirked. “Even though your sister, Amberclue, is a well-respected practitioner, her knowledge was not imparted onto you, as you were speedrunning through medical school like a student rushing through the final questions on the medical board exam!”

“I can’t euthanasise you without coming closer.”

“Ah, then come as close as you like.” Spoiled Richard said as he also trotted towards the midpoint of the duo in a fashion similar to celestial mechanics.

Remember, as everyone in Equestria knew kung fu, the duo began circling each other, probing for weaknesses, with their collective center of gravity shared in a transient position equidistant to their starting positions. Amberclue stood idly behind, silently cheering that Spoiled Richard would be able to punch some sense into her sister. Theoretically, this should be possible; Spoiled Richard was clearly an S rank fighter, while her sister was feeble, mediocre F rank fighter. Her sister would stand no chance in this confrontation. Amberclue would just stand by in case anyone got too injured.

“Come, attack me!” the overconfident Spoiled Richard gestured with his hoof. “You don’t stand a chance anyway—wait, what’s that?”

“You are not getting away with that trick!” Spoiled Richard’s assailant lunged forward with a hoof, but he managed to twirl and sidestep, knocking the medical practitioner off-balance.

But Spoiled Richard wasted no time. He spun around kicking the MD on her side, causing her to fly into the floor, the wallpaper flying everywhere. Collapsing onto the floor in a forlorn heap, she dragged her body off the ground, her eyes darting about, before launching herself at the enemy.

Before Richard’s eyes could register her movement, his muscle-memory enabled him to prevent himself from being entirely floored by a rapidly accelerating mass barrelling into him. Her charge connected with his flank, a sickening crunch causing him to buckle.

Adrenaline kicking in, he leapt forward and threw rapid punches at the blurry figure. They were deftly blocked with her swift motions of her wings, and her hooves. They exchanged punches and parries at a greater frequency than the typical pony’s circadian rhythm of around 200 punches per second, though it is now increasingly increasing to 800 punches per second. Even a high-speed camera struggled to capture their grace and skill. “Useless! Useless! Useless! Useless! Useless...!”

Suddenly, the sound of whirling helicopter propellers filled the secret hideout of the Crystal Mafia.

The duo paused their duel. “Who—”

“WHO KILLED CAPTAIN SHINING ARMOR?!?!” Twilight Sparkle shouted from the helicopter’s in-built PA system.

Helicopters

The combatants gulped in fear as sixteen more helicopters descended on their position. Each helicopter was competently equipped with the latest Mark LXIX banana chip heat-seeking ballistic missile system, capable of leveling entire reinforced structures with the decadence of artificial flavoring. The helicopters also had a high-powered anti-antagonist vanilla milk cream frosting machine gun with a magazine holding three hundred vanilla beans and two gallons of milk to dish out Type V diabetes to any unsuspecting soul.

“WHO?!” the voice over the public announcement system barked.

Normally, if this were a typical story, the combatants would take up defensive positions to protect themselves from the juggernauts flying above them. The old adage of “the enemy of my enemy is my friend” would be familiar to most of the individuals reading this story right now. Or perhaps the story would force the combatants to flee in panic, while they attempt to evade like seventy missiles gunning them down, but due to their immense plot armor, they would still manage to survive, enabling the story to carry on for another fifty-five chapters or something.

But this is no ordinary story. Expect the unexpectable!

While Spoiled Richard wasted no time in triggering the automatic anti-air system protecting the facility from any aerial assault, unlike some other story, of course, Twilight was casting a powerful spell. The ultimate spell. The spell to end all spells. She was dissatisfied with the lack of response from the so-called abandoned facility, and decided to scan the building for sapient life. Quickly zoning down onto three individuals, she immediately realized she lacked the magic level to be able to wrest control of the 37 year old Amberclue due to her incredible intelligence.

Her tracing spell, however, managed to locate an intellectually-dim individual, and now fiddling with her amazing spell enhancifier, had captured the memories of Spoiled Richard. Armed with this decisive information, she began to make a beeline onto their geographic position immediately, leaping off the helicopter 3,584 feet above sea level.

Unfortunately, Amberclue instantly diagnosed Spoiled Richard’s condition. His eyes were quivering. His hooves were stone still. His ears were flickering wildly. Someone was probing deep into the confines of his mental state through magical compulsion.

Being a unicorn, she decided to counter this magical compulsion with an anti-magic magical spell, disrupting the harmonics of the tracking and controlling spell Twilight had cast. This broke Twilight’s spell.

But it was too late. The final confrontation between Spoiled Richard and Twilight Sparkle was about to commence, as Twilight had managed to spot them through a half-shattered window, conveniently. Twilight flew into the room through this gap and flared her wings regally.

Spoiled Richard, seeing that he had no other option, unsheathed the amazing runic-infused, magically-enhanced sword called the Spectre of Thunder. As Twilight feasted her eyes on the crackling power of this mythical blade, she subconsciously took a step back, her jaw dropping.

An ominous cacophony of thunder fried the tension in the room to a crisp. The hieroglyphics on the sword glowed brilliantly under what little sunlight was shining through. Legends spoke of how the Spectre of Thunder was able to decimate entire armies in a single slash, as its crackle of thunder evoked fear that no one could possibly evade.

Now, it was time. Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship, sister to the one and only Captain Shining Armor was about to go up against the might of the Spectre of Thunder.

Twilight wasted no time. She leapt into action, casting a freeze spell on Spoiled Richard, paralyzing his grip on the Spectre of Thunder. Spoiled Richard didn’t resign that easily though, as he brought his forehoof down onto the ground, slamming the ice shard into 3.4 billion pieces. Twilight followed on with the attack, her horn charging and firing a beam of magic targeting the Spectre of Thunder itself.

The sword sparked.

“NANI—I mean, what the—” Spoiled Richard’s jaw collapsed. “The sword! You—”

Twilight smiled, her teeth glistening in the radiance of sunlight.

The sword crackled with ancient energies.

Twilight’s eyes widened.

Spoiled Richard stood starstruck.

The sword flashed and exploded with the explosive energy of 3.4 grams of TNT. The bang was deafening, at least to a cricket. However, for the two combatants and the two now neutral bystanders, they had managed to clasp their ears shut and shield them sufficiently.

“Phew…” Twilight and Spoiled Richard sighed. “Wait!”—both of them spoke simultaneously and pointed at each other with a forehoof—“YOU destroyed the Spectre of Thunder!”

The door slammed open. “I’m from the Equestrian Archaeological Society. You two are under arrest for destroying a valuable piece of Equestrian history.”