Apple Pie
"Twilight! Twilight!"
Twilight turned to the voice, noticing Pinkie run up to her at frightening speeds. Raising a hoof up to protect herself, she braced for impact... Only for nothing to happen. She slowly opened one eye and lowered her hoof, and the pink pony in front of her was giving her a curious look.
"Hey, Twilight!" the earth pony said, a bright and cheerful smile present on her face once more. "Guess what?"
Oh noes, it's a trap! the unicorn thought to herself, before confronting the inevitable. "What?"
"Well..." came Twilight's cue to zone out.
"IwentovertovisitApplejackandshewasall,"HeyPinkie,"andIwasall,"HeyApplejack,whatchadoin'?"Andshewasalllike,"Ah'mbuckin'themthereapples,"andIwasall,"OhheyI'mboredcanIhelp?I'llbereallysuperhelpful,like,morehelpfullierthananyponyelseinEquestnowait,theentireuniverse!"ButApplejackwasalllike,"Nah,Ah'mfine."So,sinceshewasobviouslyindenialorsomething,Iwasalllike,"PrettypleaseI'msosuperboredandIhavenothingtodobecauseTwilightisbusystudyingandRarityismakingdressesandRainbowisnappingandshetoldmenottowakeherupanymoreunlesssomeponyelsetoldmetoexceptforyoubecausesheknowsyou'lltellmetodowhateveraslongasIdon'tbotheryouanymorebutanywaysFluttershyisbusyhelpingasickanimalandI'msooooooboredandpleaseohpleaseohpleasecanIhelp?"
Hmmm... Twilight thought. This might take a while, so maybe I should lead Pinkie somewhere else so I can read a book or something...
"Butshewasalllike,"NoIdon'tneedyourhelpyousillypony,"andIwasalllikeERMAHGERDIAMNOTASILLYPONYWHYWOULDYOUSAYSUCHATHINGITHOUGHTWEWEREFRIENDSboohoohoo,"andthenIstartedcryingbecauseApplejackmademesadbecauseshewassomeanandthenIranofftoPonyvilleandthenIsawyoustandinghereinthemiddleoftheroadandIwasall,"Twilight!Twilight!"andthenyouspunaroundandyouwavedatmefunnyIdunnoifyouwerewavinganymorebutIthoughtyouwere..."
Alright, we're at the library... Now where is- Oh, there it is!
"...WavingbutthenyouclosedyoureyeslikeyouwantedmetokissyouorsomethingbutthenwhenItriedtokissyouorsomethingInoticedyourhoofwasinthewaysoIwaswonderingwhatyouweredoingandthenyouopenedyoureyesandloweredyourhoofandthenIwasall,"HeyTwilight!Guesswhat!"andyouwerealllike,"What?"andthenIwasalllike,"IwentovertovisitApplejackandshewasall,"HeyPinkie,"andIwasall..."
Now, then... Hmm, guess I should start brewing some tea...
"HeyApplejack,whatchadoin'?"Andshewasalllike,"Ah'mbuckin'themthereapples,"andIwasall,"OhheyI'mboredcanIhelp?I'llbereallysuperhelpful,like,morehelpfullierthananyponyelseinEquestnowait,theentireuniverse!"ButApplejackwasalllike,"Nah,Ah'mfine."So,sinceshewasobviouslyindenialorsomething,Iwasalllike,"PrettypleaseI'msosuperboredandIhavenothingtodobecauseTwilightisbusystudyingandRarityismaking-"
"Now wait just a gosh-durned minute there, Pinkie Pie."
Wait, what? Was that...
"Ah did NOT make ya cry. Y'all was just overreactin' about nothin'," said Applejack to Pinkie.
Pinkie was rendered aghast at Applejack's un-friend-like-ness-itude. "Overreacting? OVERREACTING?!? I'LL SHOW YOU OVERREACTING!!!"
And with that, Pinkie Pie pulled a fully-loaded party cannon out of her mane and opened fire on Ms. Unsuspecting Applejack. Streamers and confetti galore shot out at the earth pony, sticking themselves in her fur and mane, those that missed fluttering gently to the ground.
Applejack recovered from her shock and looked up at Pinkie Pie, teary-eyed and whimpering pathetically at the party decorations now adorning her body. Without a word, Applejack stormed past Pinkie and sprinted her way home, a fresh trail of tears glistening on the path behind her.
Twilight watched the cowpony depart and her eyes turned from simpathetic and pitying, to furious and intimidating. Pinkie Pie cowered under the unicorn's gaze and, in order to avoid the oncoming verbal and/or magical assault, stopped time in order to catch up with Applejack.
Time.
The unpredictable and eternal ramifications of tampering with the space-time continuum were unknown to all but five ponies and a draconequus: Discord, embodiment of discord and disharmony; Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, rulers of Equestria; Starswirl the Bearded, inventor of the time-traveling spell; Twilight Sparkle, user of the time-traveling spell; and Pinkie Pie, reality-bending earth pony extraordinaire.
Not one of the aforementioned beings had quite the understanding that Pinkie Pie had, who had traveled through, stopped, slowed down, and sped up time on multiple occasions. Her actions caused small ripples in the fabric of reality, and the fabric, given enough successive blows, would eventually unravel itself and bring about ultimate chaos.
Halting the flow of time to do something as trivial as, say, comfort a saddened pony, was ultimately not worth the risk of destroying the entire universe, and Pinkie was well aware of that fact. But as she traveled through Ponyville, following the trail of tears towards Applejack's farm, she was sure that she had made the right decision.
There she is! the pink mare thought excitedly, spotting her orange equine friend on the path to Sweet Apple Acres. The drops that formed the trail from Ponyville's library had turned into small puddles as Pinkie continued her trek, and, upon closer inspection of her friend, noticed a steady stream of tears flowing freely from the corners of her eyes.
Wait... Why isn't she moving? Pinkie's mind went through every possible worst-case scenario possible: from her very soul being sucked out of her by a giant squid that likes to play Parcheesi, to an angry violinist lamp that jumped into her brain and took control of her body, and all the way over to Discord's mother-in-law manifesting itself as a false Applejack in a twisted plot to work hard and befriend ponies.
Oh, yeah, the earth pony thought, smacking herself upside the head mentally. I forgot to stop stopping time! And with that, she focused ever so slightly and Applejack continued running... Smack dab into Pinkie's face.
Pinkie broke into a wide grin after Applejack clumsily stumbled backwards, shaking her head furiously as if there were a string of yarn tangled on her nose. "Yay, you're alive!"
Hearing Pinkie's voice, the orange pony stopped shaking her head and nonchalantly continued on her way to the farm. "Yep."
Unable to withstand the mental assault on her mental fortitude laden with mental defenses against mental attacks that mental ponies mentally assaulted her mental fortitude with, Pinkie spoke once more. "So are you still mad at me?"
"Yep."
"Why?"
"Because."
"Because why?"
"Because."
"Because why?"
"Because."
"Because why?"
"Because."
"Because why?"
"Because."
"Because why?"
"Because."
"Because why?"
"Consarn it, Pinkie. Because I said so."
"Why'dja say so?"
"Because."
"Because why?"
"... Shuddup."
"Why?"
" 'Cause you're botherin' me."
"Why?"
" 'Cause ya keep askin' why."
"Why?"
"I dunno why, just shuddup and leave me alone."
"Why?"
" 'Cause I gotta get back ta work."
"Can I help?"
"No."
"Awww, why not?"
"No."
"No."
"No, what?"
"No, I won't help you, because you're not worthy of my help."
"Not worthy? I'm the worthiest pony in all of Equestria, Pinkie."
"Nope!"
"Yeah-huh."
"Nuh-uh."
"Yup."
"Nope."
"Eeyup."
"Eenope."
"Yes I am."
"No, you're not."
"Listen, are ya just gonna sit there arguin' with me or are ya gonna get ta buckin' them trees?"
"Okie dokie lokie, Applejack-a-chokie-on-some...thing-that-makes-you-chokie? Wait... I thought you were mad at me?"
"Ah'm not mad, just get ta work."
"Yay,you'renotmadatmeanymore!Idon'tknowwhatIwould'vedoneifyouwerestillmadatmeImeanIwouldprobablythrowasurprisepartyatyourbarnorsomethingbutstillthatwouldn'tbethatgreatsinceyouwouldn'tenjoyitsinceyouwould'vebeenmadatmebutnowthatyou'renotmadatmelet'shave SEX!"
"HECK YES, LET'S HAVE SEX!"
"And that's how Applejack and I both got pregnant with you two f**kholes."
A young filly and colt stared in awed silence at the pink pony in front of them, mouths agape, a small strand of saliva dribbling out from a corner of the filly's mouth.
