Maudie didn't pace the tunnels near her cavernous home unless she needed to think. She was pacing them now.
"Mena's head over hooves for him, Boulder. Smoldering like igneous! I swore I almost saw her eyebrows move. That's how excited she was to introduce me to him."
Maudie also didn't talk to her pet rock unless she was troubled. She had been yapping for the better part of an hour.
"And I mean okay, Pinkamena lives and breathes for social interaction. Her living isn't fast and her breathing's not very loud, but she still does it. I guess I shouldn't be surprised she went prospecting for a coltfriend. But why this guy? You won't believe the first thing he said to m- ack!"
Maudie stumbled gracelessly over a crater in the cave floor. A lump of ore that had been mined, Maudie guessed as she somersaulted. When she'd first moved into these caverns, there had been plenty of glowing gems. Ones in the walls, the ceilings, the floors. Made the place way more homey. Way more well-lit. Way less of a tripping hazard to live in. That was all in the past now.
Midair musings concluded, Maudie hit the dark dirt in a heap.
It seemed like the glowstones began disappearing last week. Right after Maudie found that one Weird Gem laying on the floor. But that was a story for another time. She was already in the middle of a different story, and she'd dropped her listener when she tripped.
"Boulder? Where you at, boy? Clatter if you can hear me!"
Maudie swore she actually did hear some sort of nonverbal response to her call. Distant hoofsteps? Nah, had to be the echo of her embarrassing tumble. Nopony knew these tunnels except for her.
Well, her sister did, Maudie supposed, but it wasn't part of Pinkamena's personality to visit unannounced.
"Ah! There you are, Boulder. Not even the strongest tectonic forces can keep us apart forever."
Pet rock balanced comfortably on her shoulder again, Maudie went back to trotting.
"So like I was saying, Pinkamena introduced me to... ugh, Cheesinald when I ran into them in the park today. Or I guess to back up, it was me ran into him first. You know how I am, always skipping like a stone to catch Pinkamena. It's Thursday, the day when she practices her mime routine by the fountain. I swear, nopony does straight-faced public comedy like she does."
Maudie lurched as she stepped in another crater. She didn't remember so many being around here.
"So eitherwhats, I'm almost to the fountain to cheer her on and maybe even talk about the Weird Gem I'd found, but before I rock up to her I trot facefirst into this lanky stallion with a frown like wet sediment. I tried to say "my bad," but I guess I still had Pinkamena on my mind, because I said "mime bad" instead. And you know what he said?"
Boulder remained quiet and expectant on Maudie's shoulder.
"He said 'you are unfunny' in the most slate-faced voice ever. To a pony he just met! And I mean, yeah, sure, its true that Pinakmena is the clowny one, but I... what I'm sifting to get at is..."
Maudie paused her pacing to skittishly scratch her elbow with a hind hoof. She was a small pony in a big cave.
"I know I'm not funny, Boulder. I let out landslides of words and I know none of them are cute. Or smart. Or funny. But I... I don't need anyone to rub it in."
In her younger years, Maudie had tried her hoof at stand-up. Rock puns didn't connect well with the crowd, and Maudie was nothing if not highly aware of the emotions of those around her. She'd dropped the hopeless hobby like a heavy heap of hornblende. It seemed the only Pie destined for stage success was the pink one.
"Back to the story. I was considering saying 'my fault' to the guy. Ya know, since 'fault' is a tectonic plate pun. But instead I just steeled up and stayed rolling downhill. I stayed trotting toward Pinkamena. And wowie, you should've seen her, Boulder! She was doing the Invisible Balloon Animal bit and the foals gathered around were laughing like Diamond Dogs. I wish... I wish I could make ponies laugh like Diamond Dogs."
Maudie hopped over yet another crater. This one was haphazard and shallow, as if the digger had been been frightened and tired, late into a long fruitless search.
"When Pinkamena was all done I told her she rocked it. And you know how she is: not the type to smile or say thanks or let her energy level rise higher than a rift valley. She did nod at me, though. Which was great. But right before I could tell her about the Weird Gem, he was there next to her. Then they touched noses and she said 'this is Cheesinald. He tells jokes too.' And I... just sort of had to stand there looking between both of them."
Maudie aimed an anxious kick at an upcoming stray dirt clod. She reconsidered by the time she got to it though. Maudie wasn't an angry pony. Plus, it wasn't the innocent dirt clod's fault she'd had a bad day. Maudie stepped clumsily around it, then paused in place.
"So Cheesinald told me one of his jokes. He asked "why did the parasprite cross the road?" Well, I didn't have an answer. Because of course I didn't. You know how I am, Boulder. The best punchline I know is 'overly-sedimental stoner humor.' That's a double rock pun, ya see. But anyway, Cheesinald said that the parasprite crossed the road because of eternalist ontology and linear temporal causality, and I was just standing there while Pinkamena nodded and Cheesinald nodded and then they touched noses again, and I was still standing there and I... I..."
Maudie Pie hung her head.
"And I was just standing there," she repeated. "With no gold dust in my pockets to balance out the convo's tilted scales."
The pocket reference was a metaphor. Maudie was a salt-of-the-Earth mining pony who never wore clothes.
Plopping her bare behind on the soft cave floor, Maudie held her pet rock at eye level. Or something close enough to eye level, since it was still too dark to see much.
"I don't know why Pinkamena still lets me hang around, Boulder. As foals, she and I were tighter than shale sheets. But now she's got her performance art, a super smart coltfriend, the local kids who love her, she's an Element of Harmony, and I... what do I have? Nothin' to offer her. Nothin' to offer anyone. I'm just not funny."
Hoofsteps scuffled nearby. Maudie thought they were hers at first, since these tunnels had echoes. But then she remembered she''d sitting still since dodging that dirt clod. Her eyes peered downward, adjusting to the gloom. What she saw was that the dirt clod had been stepped on.
"Is... is somepony there?!"
Maudie's voice wasn't good at yelling, but her ears were sharp since they often listened for the telltale twinkle of buried gemstones. They heard anxious breathing. Not just her own.
"If somepony's there, speak up!"
"Um... okay. Hi Maud."
In another universe, Maudie might've reflexively bludgeoned her stalker with Boulder. Or shrieked and ran, leaving nothing but a cartoonish dust cloud. But here, in this time and place, she didn't do either. Mostly because she recognized her sister's voice.
"Huh? Pinkamena?"
The other pony produced a glowstone. Not a large or bright one, but it allowed Maudie to see two things. The first was Pinkamena's unmistakable face. The second was its big sheepish grin. The pairing of those two things was so impossible it nearly broke Maudie's brain. The smile spoke.
"How uh... how are you doing, Maud? I like how your mane looks."
"Well you look like cracked concrete!"
It was true. Not only was Pinkamena's hair horrendously frizzy, her face and unclad coat were caked in dirt. Like she'd been down here for ages. But that was impossible, wasn't it? Maudie had just seen Pinkamena in the park a couple hours ago. Groomed, stonefaced, and fully dressed. If the uncanny valley was a real place, Maudie had fallen into it and met its coarsest inhabitant.
The lightstone's charge abruptly died.
"Oh phooey." The phrase was spoken in unison. That was what tipped Maudie over into a laughing fit, because never in a million moons could she have imagined the word 'phooey' being spoken by her sister. Not to be outdone, the Pinkamena lookalike laughed too. At what, Maudie could only speculate. And since Maudie had begun her gigglefit first, she was also the first to recover.
"So... I'm guessing you caught me blabbing to Boulder, huh? How much didja hear?"
"Oh, I only heard... um... all of it." In the dark, Not Pinkamena's sheepish smile was still apparent in her voice. "But that's okay, since none of the story made sense anyway. Really, I was just bursting at the seams at hearing another pony's voice again. 'Specially yours."
Maudie's eyes were readjusting to the gloom, seeing Not Pinkamena in fresh detail. Specifically, Maudie noted worn edges on those pink hooves. More alarmingly though, she saw the familiar stranger's emaciated ribs.
"How... how long have you been lost down here?"
"Erm... I slept twice, then passed out from hunger at least four times after that, so... maybe a week?"
"A week!?"
"Hey now, I said maybe a week. Super hard to tell with no sun. It was Friday when the zap happened. What day is it now?"
Maudie was caught between screaming "Thursday" and "what do you mean by 'zap'?" But she was interrupted by Not Pinkamena making yet another sound Maudie had never imagined she'd hear: a dry, desperate fit of coughing.
"You need water," Maudie blurted. The stranger nodded between chuffs.
Maudie was so full of questions she was bursting like a volcano. She knew not to talk to strangers, not to invite them to her home, even if it was just to offer a drink from the mineral spring there. But its not like this pony was a total stranger, right? She was family. She was Pinkamena. Sort of. At the very least, she was close enough.
"Hey... um... do you wanna follow me somewhere?"
Not Pinkamena chewed her chapped lip. "I'm guessin' you have a mineral spring at your place. Just like my Maud has."
Maudie didn't know how to answer that. Her companion kept going.
"I know I'm not supposed to talk to strangers, not to accept invites to their home, even if its just for a drink. But it's not like you're a total stranger, right? You're family. You're Maud. Sort of. At the very least, you're close enough."
For a moment, there was no sound other than Not Pinkamena's raspy breathing.
"So..." Maudie ventured, "is that a yes?"
"Lead the way, sister from another mister!"
The first thing Maudie learned was that her new friend's name was Pinkie. The second thing Maudie learned was that she'd finally met her motormouthed match.
"It all started with the Cutie Map, see? Well, actually I guess it all started when Twilight first came to Ponyville. Does this reality have a Twilight in it? Oh, I guess it doesn't matter. Just like where it all started doesn't matter. What does matter is the Cutie Map. It sent me out on a mission! Wild, right? Can't remember the last time it did that. It had me go right to Maud's place. Just outside of Ponyville. I got a little lost on my way there, though. The tunnels are all twisty and I don't have the best sense of direction, ya know?"
Maudie nodded, mouth occupied by her own water cup. She didn't have a good sense of direction either.
"Well, while I was lost in the tunnels I got zapped and ended up here. In some other type of Equestria!"
"I feel like there's a few teensy weensy details that might've gotten skipped over in your story."
"Not really. Sometimes, stuff just happens and you need to roll with it. Magic hooey strikes from above. Weird ponies pass you in the park. I let it roll off my shoulders like sprinkles off a melting ice cream sundae."
Maudie could remember a certain weird pony she herself had met in the park. So far, she was warming to Pinkie a lot more than she'd warmed to Cheesinald.
"Aw man, I mentioned ice cream sundaes, which reminded me how low my blood sugar is. That's what happens when you haven't eaten anything except cave moss for a whole week."
Maudie was on her hooves right away, pulling out a box of rock candy from her cupboard. Defying all laws of causality, Pinkie Pie was skipping in joyous circles, celebrating the contents before Maudie opened it.
"Ooh, you keep rock candy stored up? You're definitely Maud where it counts!"
"The Pinkamena I know doesn't really like the taste of sugar," Maudie explained. "So I'm casting a blind stone's throw here and guessing that you-" she was interrupted by Pinkie crunching voraciously on a string of giant sugar crystals. Encouraged, Maudie pulled out her own piece and did some crunching of her own. She'd never had anypony to share her stash with before. At best, she'd offer some edible jewelry to Pinkamena, who'd stiffly nod and pocket the gift.
"How're you so sure you got, um, 'zapped' to... what was it you said?"
"Zapped to another type of Equestria!" Pinkie wiped her mouth on the back of her foreleg and spoke with uncharacteristic seriousness. "I knew right away this wasn't home when I got outside the tunnels and saw-"
"Waitaminute waitaminute, when'd you get outside the tunnels? I thought you were lost down here."
"Hm? Oh, I did get lost, no worries. See, after the zap I didn't realize the world had been changed yet, so I went up to the surface and saw something horrible. Something so scary I spun around and ran screaming back where I came."
"You did? What did you see?"
"Big Macintosh! Napping under a lamppost like some sort of lazy bum!"
It took Maudie a moment to guess who Big Macintosh was. The pony Pinkie saw must've been Mackie, a local layabout. Really, all the Apple Siblings were common sights anywhere it was legal to loiter. It was a mystery how their farm was upkept when every known member of the family was a mellowed-out loafer. Mackie especially, since he was the chattiest of the bunch, always eager to shirk his responsibilities to make small talk with passerby. Maudie couldn't imagine anypony finding Mackie the least bit frightening. Then again, she tried hard to imagine herself in Pinkie's position. What would the opposite of Mackie even look like? Muscular instead of pudgy? Tilling fields alone instead of mingling on street corners? The image sent shivers down Maudie's spine. She probably would have panicked too.
"I knew right away things were wrong," Pinkie recounted. "I thought as I ran that maybe this was a world where everypony was the opposite. And if everypony was opposite, that might mean everypony was also evil. That thought freaked me out big time."
"Since you're telling me all this, is it safe to say you're not afraid of me being evil too?"
Pinkie was openly embarrassed. "Well... after a few minutes of running, I realized how big of a jump that idea was. But also after that I realized another thing which was that I hadn't paid attention to the turns I'd taken, and that I was hopelessly lost and so I started taking lightstones with me to keep track of where I'd been, but they kept burning out on me, which just made the cave darker, and after awhile it was... everything was..."
Maudie rubbed her neck. She knew firsthoof how rough it was to wander these tunnels with just your thoughts. Maybe she didn't know what a whole week of it felt like, but she could guess.
"Also," Pinkie remarked, "I can't imagine any world where you're evil, Maud. Even if I fell into the craziest most Nightmare Night-ish version of Equestria possible, I'd still try to find you. If anypony would be good to me in a strange place, it'd be you."
Maudie Pie hunched over her box of candy as she hurried to put it away. Mostly to hide her reddened face.
Did Pinkamena feel the same way Pinkie did? That uncool old Maudie was someone who could be relied on in a crisis? Maudie knew she'd never hear her stoic little sister speak as plainly as Pinkie. But at the same time, stoic ponies had feelings too, right? They just didn't share them. Heartbeat quickening, Maudie guessed that wherever Pinkie was from, it was Maudie who was the stoic one. Dimly, she wondered what other differences there were between counterparts.
Giggles came from Pinkie, as if she were pondering the same thing. "Ya know Maud, I'm not used to seeing you all..."
"Twitchy?"
"Naked!" Pinkie's guffaws were contagious, and for the second time in as many hours, Maudie felt herself joining in. The thought of her lookalike wearing clothes was too absurd to not laugh at.
"Hey, if you don't have pockets, where do you keep Boulder? You do still have him, right?"
With a flourish, Maudie reached into her mane and produced her pet rock. One upside of unkempt curls was that they gripped anything wedged within them.
"Wow," Pinkie breathed. "Some things stay true no matter where a pony goes. What about me? Does your version of me still have Gummy?"
"You mean Bitey?"
That was enough to send Pinkie into another laughing fit. "You're funny, Maud!"
You're funny.
Those words rang in Maudie's ears like an echo through a canyon. She put a hoof on the cupboard to steady herself, and Pinkie noticed.
"Hey. You alright? Are you the one who needs water now?"
Maudie cleared her throat and shook her head. She was still digesting the compliment Pinkie gave to her. Treasuring it like a glimmer of gold panned from a frothing stream.
"Um... okay. If you say so. Or don't say not so, in this case. Heh heh. I guess... I guess I should get going then."
"Wait, now?"
Pinkie Pie gave an exaggerated shrug. "I gotta. I still need to find that pony the Cutie Map sent me out here to help. Whoever they are. Which means I need to keep digging around for the way to get back home."
"Whaddya mean by 'digging'?"
"Whaddya mean 'whaddya mean by digg-' Oh. Right. I didn't mention. So... I haven't just been wandering around in these tunnels losing my mind with worry."
Maudie regarded Pinkie.
"Okay, okay, I've mostly been doing that, but I've also been digging holes. Big oopsies if you stepped in any of them.
"I haven't," Maudie lied. Her belly was still bruised from her fall earlier.
"Oh! That's great to hear. So, um, anyway..."
Pinkie sat on her haunches and formed a shape with her hooves. She wasn't as deft a mime as Pinkamena, but the size of the object was clear.
"The zap that took me here didn't come from nowhere. It came from something I found but dropped. It was... a gem, I guess. But a weird one. It was a Weird Gem."
Maudie Pie lost her footing and flopped onto the floor.
"Ooh, was that a Sudden Realization Floor Flop? I do those sometimes. When I have a sudden realization. Did you have a sudden realization, Maud?"
"Yeppers!"
Maudie scrambled to the other side of the cave and rooted around under her bed. That was the place she stored her most important possessions. A staff photo from Glimglam and Sunbun's Cutie Mark vocational camp (she'd been the employee teaching rock climbing). Her jeweler's license (university was too expensive, so she'd gone to trade school instead). There was also her most recent find: a Weird Gem she'd found in the tunnels last Friday. Scurrying back to Pinkie Pie, Maudie presented the prize.
"Is..." she huffed a few times to calm herself. "Is this what you've been looking for all this time?"
Pinkie made a celebratory squealing noise and reached for the gem. But she stopped herself just short of touching it.
"What's wrong?" Maudie urged. "Does the zap hurt?"
"N-no," Pinkie assured. "Not any more than rubbing your hooves on a mat and then touching a doorknob."
"Oh man, I love doing that."
"Same! But... um... to get back to being serious..." For the first time since Maudie met her, Pinkie Pie looked pensive. Tight lipped. Almost like the sister whom Maudie had known her whole life.
"If I touch this thing, I'll go home."
"That's good!"
"But that means we might never see each other again."
"Oh. That's bad."
"For sure. Because I really like being friends with you. I feel supery dupery bad for saying this, but my Maud, the one I know... she and me have been a tad distanced lately. Ya see, she got-"
"A coltfriend," Maudie blurted. "And he's awful, right?"
"The worst!" Pinkie started to laugh invitingly, but stopped herself. "But you wouldn't... you wouldn't know that unless..."
Maudie bounced her eyebrows a few times. Pinkie sighed.
"The more things change, the more they stay the same, huh? Hope your version of Pinkie isn't too up on you for your choice of colt."
"Huh?" Now it was Maudie's turn to be confused. "Me? No, no, it's Pinkamena who has a coltfriend. I'm... well, I'm single as a shingle. Not very surprising, huh?"
"Mudbriar."
"Huh?"
"The name Mudbriar. Do you know it?"
Maudie frowned. She wasn't sure. Names worked differently between worlds, that much she'd noticed. She'd been able to figure out Mackie's counterpart, but it'd be earthquakes of magnitude harder to deduce who-
"Ohmigosh," Maudie gasped. 'Ohmigosh, ohmigosh, ohmigosh. Muddy!"
That was the name of a traveling woodcarver who had passed through Ponyville a few months back. He'd been wicked with a whittling knife, making marionettes or curios on the fly and on demand. Muddy's trinkets had competed with Maudie's jewelry stand, and the two of them even got into a friendly rivalry while he was in town. The encounter had sat buried in Maudie's memory until now, but if Pinkie Pie was hinting at what she seemed to be hinting at...
"Maybe hit that colt up," Pinkie prodded. Then she laughed to herself. "Oh gross, I can't believe I'm actually telling you to do that. I sure hope he's the opposite of Mudbriar in every way. Ya know, except for the part where you two are head over hooves in love with each other."
The Weird Gem was heavy in Maudie's grip, And not just because she'd been holding it for awhile. Muddy. The colt she was destined to find happiness with. She needed to thank Pinkie Pie, and could only think of one way to do it.
"Y-you... I mean, Pinkamena... her coltfriend's name is-"
"Huh-uh! Nope!" Pinkie pressed a hoof to Maudie's muzzle, winking coyly. "That's one present I don't want spoiled for me before Hearthswarming."
"But what if you never find him on your own??" Maudie's voice was muffled but urgent.
"I will. If we really are meant to be super special someponies, We'll find each other."
Maudie didn't seem satisfied, and Pinkie noticed. The interdimensional traveler looked at her Weird Gem again. Her ticket home. She looked, but didn't touch. Not before she mentioned one last person.
"There's somepony... or actually, somebody I know who travels between worlds. Not a lot, but sometimes. If I take this thing to Sunset, she'll figure out how to flick it on and off, lickety split."
"Shimsham," Maudie guessed confidently. "Everypony knows her. Human who moved to Equestria and became a pony."
For reasons Maudie could only guess at, Pinkie laughed again. "I'm super looking forward to whenever Sunset helps me visit you again. Your world isn't full of evil. Its full of ponies you've really made me wanna meet."
"I... I'm looking forward to it? I think?"
Pinkie gave her dimensional sister a hug. "Stay funny, Maudie. And track down Mudbriar! You both better be skipping rocks in the park together by the time I come back!"
Maudie didn't have a clever retort to that. She didn't need one though, since Pinkie clasped her hooves over the Weird Gem, the puzzle that would be solved another day, and was gone in a flash.
Maudie was alone again. But it wasn't how she'd stay. Not if she had anything to say about it.
"C'mon, Boulder. We got treasure to find. And not the kind that needs digging in the tunnels for, thank Faust."
It was a weak joke. Maudie knew it. But it was her joke.
"Muddy and Maudie. I like the sound of that."
Tucking her pet rock away, Maudie bounded out.
Author's Note
First snippet of the New Year! I took an admittedly long break after Her Bitter Half. 19k words was a lot for me. But I'm back now! Let the Thursday uploads resume!
When Nightmare Night rolled around, Maudie dressed up as her main universe counterpart. No one else got the joke. She did though, and that was enough.
Stay funny, Maudie.
