A Failure's Return

Chapters

I'll Be Your Home

I'll Be Your Home

A Failure's Return
B_25 & Barbity

How does a failure return home?

I've wondered that question since I first stepped through that portal. I didn't have friends, and the only one I considered family: was Princess Celestia. I'd been a failure to her. She'd never said it. Never held it against me.

It was something felt.

That sigh when a spell didn't go right. The way her eyes closed when she had to re-explain. Whatever she wanted me to be—I wasn't meant for it. I'd been better than others. Talented and gifted. Yet I didn't have that extra edge.

That needed spark.

And then she gave up.

She... she gave up on me! Not in a way that ever was said. No rejection or ceasing of teaching. But the lessons were shortened. The speeches became impassive. She focused more on tests to enter the school than on the students already inside it. She was searching for something.

Princess Celestia looked for a Twilight Sparkle.

I did everything I could to reach her expectations. To force myself into that next level of being. I burned the nights and blazed through the day. Her focus settled on another filly. What did I care! In that isolation, I suffocated, on practice and books, proving that I could be who Princess Celestia wanted me to be.

But then that night came to be.

Princess Celestia sat on her throne in the demonstration of my power. I ripped apart the room, wall and window, the towering columns and the marble floor, disintegrating matter to its very atom, before restoring all to their previous makeup. Some things weren't the same. But I'd done enough in the whirlwind to prove myself as a force of nature.

And then Princess Celestia shook her head.

It was the only thing she did. That not-so-subtle disappointment without further comment. The wreckage I wrought turned internal. I'd been an orphan. A filly named Nobody. I'd taken the entrance exam on a whim and won.

The school took me in.

It took another year until Princess Celestia noticed me. I'd been happy. I had beaten my lot and found a home to make my own. Then the Princess stumbled on me one day. She plucked me from the ground and brought me to the sky. She presented me before the sun and whispered.

This will one day be yours.

She'd brought me to the sky... only to set me back on the ground! To promise me the world and then give it to someone else! I would have been alright without her! I would have been content to become what the school made me as the Princess took to a private student.

She created the starvation for greatness in me...

...before realizing my incapacity.

You can't go back. It hangs over you. That failure. The failure to become more. No matter what I did... regardless of what I became... it never reached where she wanted it to be. Celestia was gentle and kind. But I could sense her disappointments.

And that hurt most of all.

Having to sense... what I would have rather been told.

So... I ran away.

Ran into a life that left my previous one behind. Left on the streets without money or magic. In this new world, I'd become an orphan once more. Nothing I learned at that school could be used. Somehow, someway, I had to acquire the power to destroy the Princess.

Only in defeating her, and whatever she threw at me, could I finally prove myself.

And then... Twilight Sparkle came. Fell into my world with the same handicap and defeated me with ease. Turned a school against me with a couple of songs. She isn't anything special. Her personality... It's embarrassing! She doesn't have any unique knack for anything at all.

And yet, everyone becomes her friend, and she becomes whatever she needs to be.

Some are just chosen in this life.

And now I stand here after some time, standing before a portal that will take me home, unsure of where in that old world there is for me to go. Once you have been proven a failure without hope of improvement... what is there for you to do? I ignored and rejected it for so long.

And reality, day after year, cracked my resolve, till acceptance drained me.

I was a failure.

And nothing would make me a success.

Everything was in a slingshot of cold shimmers as I snapped into another reality. My foot passed from stone, and my hoof stepped onto crystal flooring. My senses flared into new shapes. Too much weight on my back legs caused my rump to crash onto the ground.

Someone cleared their throat.

I looked forward to seeing a duo of guards stationed by the room's door. They looked at me with dead expressions. I chuckled, forcing my smile, hurting my cheeks. “Ah-heh. So they do keep this room under watch.”

I cleared my throat and nodded. “It makes sense, y'know, because anything could come from that portal. You think the other side is safe now... but what if something happens? Someone powerful could pop through—or even an army could invade! How they would know to walk into a statue is, well, kinda unkindly but—“

They aimed their weapons at me.

“Not that I was doing any invading! Or doing anything evil! It's good you're here, though, to keep an eye on this thing.” I batted the portal—swatting the air instead. The weight of my stubby forelegs dropped me to the ground. I looked at the guards from the side, with their blades pointed down at me. “Say! Are you guys here every night? Or just when the portal opens?”

The guards finally spoke.

“We're taking you to see the Princess.”

I curled an eyebrow.

“Which one?”

“Sunset Shimmer... fugitive.” Princess Cadance said my name like it was a blueberry muffin—and she had expected it to be a chocolate chip muffin. “Stole the crown. Caused mayhem in another world. Endangered my niece.”

My eyes twitched. “Could you, uh, say all the good stuff I've done now?” I chuckled with a smile. “So I can have an authority say them with authority? Just anything to make myself feel good right now.” Cadance's eyes slipped up from the scroll to glare at me; I surrendered my chained forelegs. “Fine. Fine. Just return to reminding me why I'm terrible, again.”

Princess Cadance exhaled and turned away. Some pony at her side took the scroll away. They left, and, with a nod from her, the guards did the same. I watched and heard as their hoofsteps thinned across the length of the throne room.

Before disappearing behind the colosseum size doors.

Their fading clinking returned my attention to the princess.

Cadance rested an elbow on the armrest and laid her cheek into her hoof. She undid my chains with a lighting of magic, which floated aside. She watched me stand and stretch with boredom. “Sunset? What is it exactly you're doing here?”

Another part that sucks about being a failure.

If you're not being a failure where failures are supposed to be.

Everyone wonders why you're being a failure here.

“Saying I tripped isn't going to work, is it?”

Cadance shook her disinterested head. “I'm afraid not.”

I scrunched my lips to the side and thought about how to handle this. I was a mess. In mane and coat and all of the above. I knew the truth. But the problem was—the truth wasn't enough for most.

But would it be enough for her?

It was time to see if the pony goodness and kindness would apply to me.

“What if I don't know why I'm here?” I stepped forward and looked up at the other mare, another greatness from Celestia that had done well in life. “Where if there is no reason at all?”

“Are you here to do harm?”

“I'm here to do nothing at all.”

My eyes scrunched. Just how liberal was Equestria? Did I have a right to come back because I was born here? Would passports need to be issued? How about currency exchange? Would they support the few that came through until they could support themselves? Or did you have to prove yourself as viable before you could—

“Then you may enter.”

I blinked and returned to the present. “Whuha?”

Princess Cadance couldn't help but giggle and wiggle her shoulders. “That is the only prerequisite of mine for those from outside lands. So long as you do not mean to bring harm, then you may visit.”

“But what if I have nothing to offer?”

“Hmm?”

Why had I pushed this? Why did my mouth go on?

“You open your lands to one that might have nothing to offer,” I said as my mind controlled my lips. “What is there for you to gain?”

Princess Cadance wrinkled her snout. “Absolutely nothing, of course.” She then shook her head, resuming her serene smile after she steadied. “And rarely are we without reasons. Fortunate are those that come to deeply know theirs.”

Typical pony wisdom and positivity! But... if it allows her to feel well and live well, what use is cynicism to her?

“And what if there is truly nothing at all?”

Princess Cadance looked at me from her throne and, startled by the question, looked deeply into my eyes as she thought about it. Her lips opened and her breath released. Then the air around her twinkled as she bowed.

“They would be left to wonder if such was a gift... or a curse.”

At least someone takes me seriously.

It's an odd sensation to walk where you do not belong, exalted just this once for one reason or another, hooves on polished floors and lingering eyes that narrowed ever so slightly on you. Part of me wanted to turn my head to the guards and stick my tongue out; another part of me knew better.

Why was I here?

Was I here to stay? Or was I here to simply get away? Away from what? The world that I had made my home? This world used to be my home. Ponies, Canterlot, Celestia, all of them had been my origins. What becomes of a home after you've left it? Does it become just another place?

No. You still have memories of it. You still once belonged to it. You, and the ponies and the things that make it, chain it to you with some uniqueness. It's not home, but it's also not some other place.

My thoughts lifted my shoulders and struck out my chest, and I stepped to the flounces of my tail.

A place becomes something of your own not because you bought a house or have lived there for a while, but due to your connection with it. It's your connection with an area that attaches you to it. That causes you to feel that a piece of you belongs there.

I stepped faster and stood prouder in the hallways of a castle normally denied to me, even though I had walked Canterlot daily as a filly, Princess Celestia as my escort at times. The life and places of nobility had once been my own to tread. And a part of that filly returned to me now.

You forget some of what you are... until you return to the place where it was created and developed.

“Isn't that the Princess's ex-student?” a voice murmured from a mare that passed me, her companion checking over her shoulders. I slowed and stared forward. “It is. The one who stole the tiara.”

The other blew air through her lips as their voices faded into the distance. “Walking like that here.” A bubble of a scoff on the ears. “What does she feel like she's owed?”

Their voices disappeared with their hoofsteps, and I stopped in the hall, showered in the beams of dilated sunlight. Around me glinted the amethyst of the crystal walls. Stained glass loomed above, depicting a history I somewhat knew.

One panel depicted the Royal Sisters looming above a field of land divided between the two, the warmth of sunlight burning away the evil that stalked the grass; the one next to it showed the moon, the showering moonlight calming the restless ponies. The next showed a Princess of Pink that unified an empire of ponies with a heart cast over them all.

The one after that caused me to turn to face it, forced to look at a height I could never reach, one of a serene purple unicorn, slowly captured in black ice, entrusting the crystal heart to a small dragon.

I didn't follow the rest of the history as my eyes locked on this one panel, one of sacrifice and trust, my replacement, recorded, even in this remote place. Her closed eyes, that accepting smile, the glowing of her horn evaporating black clouds.

She was a hero.

Someone everyone should be like.

A little miss perfect.

I looked across the panels to find no record of myself; my hooves carried right, but I kept looking left, following the art. I bumped into something or someone, and a breathless, wordless apology floated from me. The glass glinted in an amber hue. I slowed, and faced the only proof of my existence in this land.

It was of me on three knees, kneeled and bowed and with closed eyes, the portal behind me, a tiara held up on my hoof. Princess Twilight Sparkle stood before me with wings majestically open, serenely looking down at me, a foreleg pressed into her chest.

And that was it.

My shoulders lowered, and so too did my head. My heart crumbled, and the bones in my legs snapped. Blood turned to stone, and hope transitioned into despair as I remembered myself. Remembered my connection to this land: of the one who took my place.

And did far better than I ever could.

Twilight Sparkle was perfect, for her flaws were her strengths, and she could not be defeated. Anger and hatred rose within me. This pony, who had done the impossible without succumbing to becoming horrible. Even the rising villain within me faltered as my disdain was born from a marvel at her.

I could never be what Princess Celestia wanted me to be, a thing I once had thought was impossible. Still, Twilight Sparkle came along and took my place, excelling at every aspect, her power defeating mine, her goodness vanquishing my evil. I wasn't even left as a shadow once she left.

I was left as nothing at all as she defeated everything about me.

My inferiority soared as I sank. Guards and servants passed. I could only stand there and wonder why I was still here, not even in this world—but in this life. I'd played my part. I'd been the small chapter in Twilight's overgrowing story. I had no friends, no family here.

I looked over my shoulder to the hall and court I had braved and passed. Should I go back? Return to my dull life of study and work as this inferiority clouds and consumes my soul? Be happy to be helpful, regardless of how small, and for those who entered my life, even if it's for a moment?

Even though that world was something I created from the ground up, I knew I had built but a mere small castle, one that would crumble when a strong enough wave came—and that others, even there, had built better ones than my own.

But the thought of going back was a worse death than the one that awaited me ahead.

I carried forward a couple of steps and, before I was free of that stained glass of Twilight Sparkle, I did the very last thing a mare in my situation was able to do. Guards looked at me as I closed my eyes and puffed out my cheeks.

Then I stuck out my tongue and blew at the painted princess.

“Sunset Shimmer?”

I hadn't expected to hear my name, at least not my full name, in this world ever again. I'd cantered out from one of the legs of the castle before a voice had caught me. I'd turned around to see a guard—but he was different from the rest. His armor glinted a royal purple.

I turned around to face him and leaned awkwardly on my hooves. “Uh, yes?”

The stallion flashed me a smile, and freshness blew in the breeze, a tame coolness that governed the land. He stuck his foreleg out firmly yet loosely. “Shining Armor!”

I squeezed an eye but took his foreleg anyway. “Sunset Shimmer—but, then, you already knew that.” My hoof felt around his sole, and he looked at me weirdly. I blinked, and intertwined our forelegs instead. “Apologies. Greetings are a bit... different, where I'm from.”

Shining chuckled as our forelegs shook. “Heh. I was about to mention that I was already married.”

I scoffed and chuckled and rolled my eyes. The shake concluded as our hooves returned to the ground. “Aren't you forward? That's quite a confidence you've got there.”

Shining grinned and feigned looking elsewhere, washing a hoof into his chest fluff. “Well, I am married to Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.”

My eyebrows rose as I retreated a step—nearly bumping into a passing pony. “Wo-ow! Dang, you really do have a reason to be confident, then.”

Shining chuckled, lowered his hoof to the ground, and looked at me again, smiling. “Thanks, but all the credit goes to her. She's the one that said yes.”

I laughed. “And I bet you're still trying to figure out why, huh?”

He softly laughed as well. “More like trying to become the reason why.”

I smiled. “And I'm sure you're already halfway there.” I looked beyond the city to the mountains in the distance, secretly hoping to see a castle perched on one of them. I shut my eyes and sighed. That's not the reason you're here.

Then I coughed and returned myself to the moment, to the nice stallion standing before me. I cleared my throat and stepped back. “Anyway. Did you need something? Or are you just a bad spy that's even worse at following from a distance?”

Shining shook his head and touched a hoof to his chest. “I assure you, Sunset, that you've been cleared of any and all crimes. You've been rated a zero in terms of being a possible danger and threat.”

I frowned. “Is that another way of saying that I'm too weak to pose any worry?”

“Any magical student of Princess Celestia herself shouldn't have any doubts about her abilities.” The words slashed across my face, and my expression could not hide the bleeding. Shining watched me with confusion. Then, he quickly covered himself. “What I mean is... we don't believe you bear any malicious intent.”

“Equestria has always been pretty lax and forgiving on previous villains and criminals.”

“Blame the insane turnover rate.”

“So you're saying to blame Twilight Sparkle, then?”

“Only if you take a slice of the pie and give the rest to her.”

I chuckled even though I shouldn't have. It's a shame he was involved. There was something about Shining I liked. Big, strong, handsome and charming. A goof when he was relaxed; commanding when he was serious. He had a beautiful uniqueness to his personality. Someone that was beyond the notion of a male.

“I'm sorry if you came to me needing something,” I ended the silence with a tone of sincerity. “My magic might be beyond the average unicorn, but it's been more than a few years since I've really practiced with any spells.”

Shining shook his head. “I actually thought it would be me to help you. I overheard the court session, and I'm... familiar with your dossier. I've no doubt in my heart that Twilight Sparkle would take you for a friend and provide you with the basic amenities. However, you won't even have enough bits to make the train ride there.”

“I'm, uh, not here to see her.”

“That so?” Shining asked with his mouth keeping open for a few seconds afterward. His gaze inched beside my face to the great distance that was behind me. It was as though he were searching for something. “Well, in whatever the case, it's hard to make a go in any world without a bit of help to get you along.”

I flinched and recoiled. I waved my hoof dismissively. “Sorry... but I'm really not looking for a charity.”

“It's more than just that,” Shining followed as he glanced around, and I joined him in that, seeing the faces of passing ponies. Something about their expressions caught me. Those narrowed eyes. Raised eyebrows. The faintest scowls. “I don't mean any offence, but you're relatively known throughout the lands, and not all ponies—“

“Take kindly to my story?” I finished for him as my expression hardened as well, and I could feel the faintest amount of magic channelling into my horn. “Don't worry about that. I might not be Twilight Sparkle—but I can handle myself in a fight.”

“That's exactly what I'm worried about,” Shining said as he closed the distance between us, covering my back with his arm. We walked forward and away from the growing crowd. “Either you get hurt, or someone else will. And if someone else does...”

“Then it looks even worse on me. I got it!” I placed a hoof on his chest and shoved him back, drawing away by a couple of feet. “I'm not here to win anyone's approval. Ponies can think whatever they want of me.”

Shining watched me sadly for a few moments. “Then why are you here?”

My mouth opened to no words. Then my eyes closed. And I trusted in my heart to speak for me. “I don't know. I still don't know. Just that I wanted to come here. I'm letting that feeling lead me. And it's telling me what does and doesn't matter.”

“And you want to go to Canterlot then, right?”

My mouth opened even more.

“Return to Canterlot, maybe see some familiar sights, then decide after that what you want to do.” Shining nodded and chanced stepping closer to me. “You don't have to take my money. You don't even have to take my help. But please. At the very least, please let me escort you there.”

I breathed and thought about his words. Without his help, what was going to be my plan? Walk all that way, eating from the land and sleeping inside caves, hoping that I would make my trip that way? It could work and end up being what I did later on.

But a part of me didn't want to be alone.

“Alright.” I held my foreleg out. “I'll allow you the pleasure of accompanying me for a train ride.” Shining looked at me, confused, but, with a laugh, and a shake of his head, he joined my foreleg with his. “But only because I like you, Shining Armor.”

He chuckled as our forelegs returned to the ground. “Careful, or my wife might be getting ideas.”

“I don't think your love has anything to fear,” I said with a chuckle as life returned to me, the depression of the past and the anxiety of the future, suddenly gone, as I immersed myself in the present. “Cadance is a beautiful and powerful alicorn and princess. She's everything a girl can hope of being. There's only one place I can hope of beating her.”

I started to walk away, although his voice caught up with me.

“And what's that?”

I stopped, and glanced back at him with a grin. “My rump is plumper than hers.” I shook my hindquarters, and walked in a sway, indulging in how my body shifted.

Hoofsteps raced against the floor, that was, until they were next to mine.

I chuckled and looked at him.

“Taking my side already?”

He shrugged with a blush. “What can I say? I can't trust myself to keep behind you.”

“So the prince is an ass stallion after all.”

Shining rolled his eyes. “It's not like guys here get as many options as they do in your world.”

“Maybe I can take you with me when I go back,” I started, not knowing that I was such a flirt, “and show you everything that you've been missing out on.”

Shining blushed and, for whatever reason, took great interest in the clouds overhead. “K-Keep talking like that, and we're going to have some crystal guards with impeccable ears following us.”

“Aw! Afraid of putting on a show?”

“S-Sunset!”

I laughed to myself, and for a moment, felt like life could be okay.

Every once in a while.

We boarded the train with Shining trying his best impression of being a gentlecolt. He stepped up on the train's platform and turned, offering his foreleg to help me up. I took his foreleg and, like the perfect filly that I was, yanked him down. He crashed onto the ground, and I took his place, flicking my tail in the air as I boarded the cabin.

We entered the empty booth and closed the door behind us. Taking seats on opposite ends, I collapsed into the cushion, feeling my exhaustion seep outward. Shining chuckled at my deflation. “This your first time sitting down in the new world?”

I nodded. “Crossing over and dealing with a princess can take it out of you.” I rolled my head around and pressed a hoof at a sore spot. “Say, does that ever get to you at all? Having a wife for a princess and all that?”

His lips pushed to the side as the train jerked into motion.

“Can't say that I've ever felt jealousy toward her...” His words were softly spoken. “Closest I've felt that toward someone is probably Twilight. Of course, she's in a league of her own when it comes to most things.”

My eyebrows perked up. “I suppose it couldn't have been easy having a powerhouse for a sister.”

“More so that our roles got reversed.” Shining slouched into his seat as well, the cushion morphing to the shape of his body. “I swore that I would be her Big Brother Best Friend Forever. I'd ensure that I would get strong to ensure nothing would ever hurt her. I aced my schooling, entered the military, and was on a fast track to greatness.”

“And then Twilight Sparkle entered Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, and suddenly you realized you weren't as special?”

“Something like that,” Shining confirmed. “It hurt at the time. Having all that attention placed on you suddenly doubled on someone else. I was really jealous. I nearly stopped answering her mail, and my responses... weren't necessarily the kindest.”

I blinked. “So, what changed?”

“I didn't like how that inferiority was changing my life.” Shining drew out an exhale and looked out the window. Frozen mountains with peaks warmed by sunlight. “I was colder. Harsher. I stopped spending time with Cadance to train more. I took things more seriously than they needed to be. I tried spells outside of my reach. I pulled myself in so many ways, while my little sister did it all without thinking much about it.”

I glanced down at my hooves.

“Soon, I learned the lesson that most of us learn in life,” Shining looked back at me, and my eyes rose to meet his. “The only pony you need to be better than is yourself. But, more than that... I just didn't want to be living a life where I felt the need to be stronger than my little sister.”

He smiled. “When 'good' is constantly surrounded by 'greatness', 'good' doesn't start to look as good. My marefriend was the princess of love, and my sister was bound to become the most powerful mare ever lived. I got tired of being hurt whenever I heard of her accomplishments. I wanted to be able to feel pride for her. Happinessfor her. But you can't feel such things when you feel like you're locked in a hostile competition with someone.”

Shining crossed his forelegs and breathed slowly, basking in the sunlight from the window, listening to the constant chugging of the train. “So I took some time off from everything. I confided in Cadance everything that I had been feeling. I stopped trying to look strong or be something. I just let myself be myself. Some ponies say I can be a bit much at times. My father says I'm a bit more feminine than I'd ever been in my life. But I've found more joy in trying to be myself than trying to be better.”

I crossed my forelegs and looked out the window as well, looking at the sun perched over the hills, knowing I could never escape the reminders of her. I breathed in through my snout and exhaled out my mouth. My shoulders relaxed.

“I've just been looking for acceptance.”

Shining's eyes casually rested on me. There wasn't a rush for me to speak. Just that, when I was ready, he was there to listen. “My parents abandoned me as a foal. I showed great magical prowess, so Celestia took me as her student as a filly. Then I couldn't be what she wanted me to be, so I lost myself once I became a mare.”

I scratched my arm. “And I've been trying... so, so hard to become something. To become more. To do anything that allows me to be and feel... whatever it is I want to feel. Even when I took over a school. Even when I became all-powerful for a moment. Even when Twilight forgave me, and her friends took me in... I've never felt that feeling that I need to feel. Never had that acceptance that I needed.”

“When you're raised your whole life to be a thing, and then rejected from it, what is it you're supposed to do?” I think this is the most I've ever confessed to a near stranger before in my life. But Shining was a good guy, and I'd needed to share this weight for longer than I could ever dare to confess.

Shining pressed his hooves and rubbed them together. “I think that just because you can't be the best at something... doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. You don't have to be the best to find enjoyment and fulfillment in activities. That a child's hoofpainting of its family will mean more to them than the greatest art in any dusty museum."

I looked at him as he went on.

“And I think that you can still be useful and helpful in ways the strongest might not be able to do,” Shining said. “Everyone plays their parts. The guards hold back the enemy long enough for the heroes to do their thing. But, more than that, it's those letters from Twilight where I feel the most useful.”

My eyebrows rose at that.

“Ponies seem to forget that, in the end, Twilight Sparkle is still a pony.” Shining nodded. “She still feels fear. She still deals with insecurities. She's stronger and smarter and greater than me in most ways possible. Yet she always seems to write to me when she needs to be reassured that things will be alright—or that she'll be able to make things alright. In her times of trouble, it's always her friends, even in thought, that allows her to go on. She isn't an island. None of us are.”

I looked down and still didn't speak.

“We can look to other ponies for inspiration, but, in the end, we shouldn't try to live our lives to be or beat someone else. I know you had it tough. I thought that I was going to be the hero that saved the world over and over—and not my sister.” Shining smiled. “But when I finally cleared myself of all that darkness, I realized that I wanted to be happy for my sister, to love my wife dearly, to serve my kingdom well, and to live as fully as I could.”

He leaned forward and nodded at me. “You didn't have a family that was there for you. No friends that you could call on during those dark times. You're strong, beautiful, and dedicated. It's only you now don't know what to dedicate yourself toward. But you'll find it. Or you'll find someone. I accept you, as you are, and what you will one day be.”

He sat tall in his seat. “But nothing could matter more than your acceptance of yourself.”

I shook my head and rubbed the corner of my eyes. “But I have nothing to be proud of.”

“You don't believe in yourself because you've already done the impossible,” he followed. “You believe in yourself so that, one day, you will dothe impossible. If you don't believe you can climb the mountain, even should you dare it, that doubt will drain you, and that lack of faith will weaken your grip.”

He rose and stepped toward the center of the booth. “It's scary to fall, more so because we were weak enough to let it happen. If we expect it from the start, then it hurts less. But is that how you want to live? Expecting failure makes it more likely to happen, so it hurts us less?”

I slumped and continued to quickly rub my eyes.

“Believe in yourself,” Shining said. “Have the strength to do your best, and then to do it again, should you fail. Dedicate yourself to something you feel strongly about, and try to open yourself up so you may feel strongly again. Do what you should, and everything should fall where you need it to be.”

Shining smiled at me. “I believe in you as much as I do Twilight Sparkle, so you should turn out to be okay in the end.”

I smiled at him after that. Getting up from my seat and meeting him in the center, I fell against his chest, the tuft of white fur accompanying his natural odour. I weakly chuckled, feeling strong forelegs wrap around my barrel. He held me close, and the hug had been something I'd needed for a while.

“Y'know, now I really am giving my wife just cause to banish me.”

I laughed into his coat. “So long as you don't go grabbing elsewhere, you should be alright.”

Exhaust blew into clouds as the hiss of steam spread beneath the stopped train. Shining and I stood at the station's center as a flood of ponies passed us by. It didn't matter if any noticed us or not. If they glanced or glared.

That mattered to me. Knowing if I caught someone's eyes. The attention of the general populace. I was always seeking something within that, and morphing myself as someone able to get it. But should I change into something I'm not, and acquire the approval the previous me wanted... would I still feel the fulfillment I desired?

The answer was no.

It was that connection with Shining on the ride here, that heart to heart, our flirts and our jokes, that caused me to feel like someone. That I was a pony of equal worth who walked here. That I had a right to be here. Maybe that's because I had found the acceptance of a native, knowing of me and my history, who allowed me to be here.

“Are you sure I can't accompany you any further?”

I giggled into my hoof before laying it on his cheek. “If you do that, big guy, then you don't make it home to your wife for dinner.” I stroked his fur, then stepped back. “Besides. You did everything for me that you needed to do. I feel a lot better about being here, now.”

“I haven't done everything just yet,” Shining started as his horn lit a blue light taken from the deep sea; the pouch on his hip was removed by his magic, and floated over to me. “I still can't have you walking around without something to help you along.”

I shook my head and pushed the floating pouch back. “I already told you—“

“Yeah yeah,” Shining's head bounced, sticking out his tongue as he spoke. “I'm Sunset Shimmer. I don't like help. Or for big handsome guys to think I'm a charity case. Wah-wha.”

My eyebrows and snout flicked upward. “Oh-oh. You better run for the hills, mister.” I dropped onto my rump and crossed my forelegs over my chest. “Because that's not even close to the reason why.”

“Then don't even consider it a favour, then.” Shining floated the pouch to my chest and tied it around my neck. “I've been due for a vacation for a long while now. Being a part of the Royal Guard has already taken me on tours across Equestria. But an excuse to go to an alternative world and screw my wife before my other me finds out? That's the kind of story you open a savings account for.”

Shining chuckled as his magic dispensed from my neck. “Which I'm now giving some of to you! Our worlds don't really have a conversion center, so this way, it actually works out for both sides!”

I glared at him. “I'm not exactly rich on the other side.”

“A girl like you?” Shining closed his eyes, smiled, and nodded. “I'm sure you'll invent something that'll buy you a castle, easily.” His hoof raised and tapped on the air. “And once you have that castle? Rent me a room, and help me figure out if cheating on your wife, with your wife, is still cheating or not.”

My eyes blew open from the confusion born from stupidity, but I quickly smiled and laughed, as it was the best way to win in such a situation. Shining was a goof and a fool and maybe a little bit of a tool. But at least he had life in him. Created something by his presence that inspired talk and thought and feeling in those around to experience it.

He was someone that lived.

Instead of someone that existed.

“It is still cheating,” I said as I rose and backed away, slinging the pouch onto my back, curiously cocking my head. “But check with your wife first! Who knows! Maybe she might be into it.” “And maybe she might be willing to allow you a different Cadance, if you give her a different Shining!” I continued walking backward across the wooden station, feeling the dying amber sunlight on my coat.

“Hey!" he called out to me with a shake of his hoof. “No one does anything to my wife but me!”

“So just pretend to be the other Shining, doofus!”

His mouth hung open.

And my laughter exploded at that.

“What!?” I called back in mirth. “I did used to be a villain, y'know!”

I left the station as faint sunlight layered the streets of Canterlot. Wagons passed on the road as I kept walking on the sidewalk. I was looking around in search of something. Any triggers that would rekindle my memory.

There's always so much in your head that you know nothing about. Memories and thoughts and feelings so deeply stored you forget they're inside you. But then you'll see something, and a foreign feeling will happen, and suddenly, you're transported into a memory.

Memories are scary. There's bliss at re-encountering them. In living inside of something blissful enough to be stored inside your head. Of how you were, or your world was, at a particular time.

I looked to my left and smiled as glittery wisps flared inside my head. Ahead, the street curved around a fountain. Fillies and colts played on the fountain's marble rim, splashing each other with water. Few ponies sat on the benches below it, drinking the moment, indulging in the last of the sunlight.

And then I remembered.

I'd been a filly at the orphanage. It was the middle of Summer, and there was nothing to do. Entrance exams for Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns were still a few weeks away—but there was nothing more for me to study or practise.

Angered, the heads of the house locked me in my room, with only the needed material for the exam to keep my company. I made up a front of pretending to study. None at the home knew how well of a range my teleportation had improved to.

I'd zapped myself outside my bedroom window first. Then down another floor to the balcony where all the teachers had lunch. I zapped once more to the gate—then beyond it. Even though it was dangerous, I decided to explore the city that I had been denied to explore—at least on my own.

I had built up the trip so incredibly inside my head. The views of the land from various perches and the significant landmarks that documented Equestria's established history. No matter where I went, and regardless of what I saw, nothing felt any different from what I had seen in books and pictures—only that the breeze of being outside had felt slightly better.

During the middle of the week, the streets were mostly empty, save for the few, hurrying ponies, and the older ones taking their time. I had wandered into a dim store of aged wood that sold toys and dusty board games. One such game had caught me. Captured me enough to spend the only bits I had in all the world.

I had walked out from the shop and crossed the street, securing the bench, and spreading myself across it, to ensure I had it all for myself. Then I took out my purchase. It was a wooden box with a glass ceiling. Inside was a miniature labyrinth. Lots of walls and holes for your ball to fall through.

You had to navigate the ball through the maze to get it into the ending hole.

I played it for quite some time in the summer afternoon, the constant splashing of the fountain combating the slight sizzling of the sun. I'd tried to play the game with my hooves first, rotating the box. It always slipped in my grip, and I tilted a bit too much.

It was after a few lost balls that I struck the bench and tried again, but this time, I lifted the box with my magic; my magical hold allowed greater grip and control, though in my heart, as I rolled the ball better across, something did not feel right.

“That's quite the game you've got there.”

I hadn't realized there was a shadow over me, that I was squinting to see the glint of the ball in the maze and, as I turned to look at the voice, I moved the box as well, hearing the ball plop as it passed through the hole.

I frowned, but checked over my shoulder, seeing Princess Celestia standing awash in sunlight. My mouth opened, and my head tilted to the side, a breath appeared, and then I finally spoke.

“Say,” I began, “Aren't you that Princess Celestia pony?”

“Hmm.” Princess Celestia tapped her chin with a hoof. “It's been a while since I've last checked to see if I am those three things.” She plopped down onto her rump, and her violet eye flicked upward. She tapped the golden ornament on her head. “There appears to be this on my head, so either I'm a princess, or I'm pretending to be one.”

I giggled.

And then she tapped the side of her head. “And I do recall my name being Celestia.” Then she threw up her hooves and shrugged. “But as for being a pony? I'm afraid that the last one is beyond me.” She chuckled, and turned to the water of the fountain, serenely drinking from it.

“Uhh! Y-You shouldn't be doing that!”

“And why not?” the princess asked. “Would you not drink from a crisp lake after a long walk? Would you refuse the fresh emerald of an open field after enduring an empty stomach?”

“No,” I had said with a shake of my head. “Just that the pony before stuck his pits into the fountain just before you had arrived.” The princess turned and spat while I placed a hoof on my lips. “Say! Was that going to be the third thing you were going to ask? Would you stick your pits in a fountain?”

Celestia had finished spitting when she looked back at him. “Only until I find the stallion that answers yes.”

I laughed and returned to my game while the princess sat behind me. She hadn't asked for a spot on the bench. Sitting there for a moment, she then turned, dunking her head into the fountain. After a few seconds, she emerged, her long, prismatic mane, drenched across her back.

My ball had reached the middle of the platform when something sharp and gold peeked into the corner of my vision. I glanced to the right to see the princess's tiara floating across the water. I pointed at it while looking at her. “Princess? Your tiara is floating away.”

“That's alright.”

“But isn't that important, though?”

“Indeed it is,” the princess began with eyes closed and a muzzle raised to the sky. “Just as it's important to not wear it at times.”

I shut an eye. “Does anypony tell you that you don't make sense, sometimes?”

“No,” the princess replied. “They're usually too worried that I'll send them to the moon.”

“Is it as bad as ponies make it out to be?”

The princess's muzzle lowered, and her eyes opened, looking downward. “It's certainly a place I would like to visit... if I had the strength to do so.”

“Wait.” I had set the box on the bench. “You don't even have the strength to go to the moon anymore, but ponies are still scared of you sending them there? Yesh!” I rolled my eyes and returned to floating the game. “But it sure sucks that your sister has to be up there all alone. Do you at least have the strength to send her letters?”

“...sometimes.”

“Does she ever write back?”

“Not once.”

“She must be pretty upset with ya.”

“I would be as well.”

“Though I would be more bored than anything else.” I shook my head and resumed the game again. “Like today. My orphanage is making me study extra hard for your stupid exams. All the other kids are really excited about it. Or maybe that's because the headmasters are making them excited for it. But I've already studied. And I've already practised everything I could.”

I ground my teeth as my eye phased to the right, and, a second later, I heard the ball rolling into a hole. I sighed, shaking my head, resetting the game. “I just wanted to play some games with my friends, but all the grown-ups said no, and all of the other kids were super serious about getting ready! I was locked in my room, and I was really mad that I was locked in my room. I stomped, and I huffed, and I wanted them all to hear it! But then... I was just in my room huffing, and stomping, and all of that was boring.”

The princess's head tilted over me; wet mane clung to the other half of her face. “So now you're here?”

“Yup! And I think your sister is the same! She was probably angry and stomping and huffing on the moon, but more than that, she's probably bored.” My lips had pushed aside as I tried the game again. “Maybe, when she comes back, she'll be angry and stomp around a little bit. But I think as long as you're nice to her—and you have some really fun games to play... that everything should be okay.:

I tilted the box quickly, delicately, rushing it over holes, bouncing it off walls, seeing my reflection in the glass as my snout pushed against it. The ball reached the end and dropped into the hole. Even though the sound of it dropping was no different than all the other times, elation blew through me. My heart exploded with mirth.

“I did it!”

“Congratulations!” the princess said with a smile, looking forward, across the street, to the old store with the older games. “And you're quite right, little one. I've been visiting this store every now and again to find games to send to my sister.”

She turned to the fountain and fished for her crown with a foreleg. “Reading can only do so much for the soul. Playing is what allows us to have the most fun in our lives.”

“If that's the case,” I had said as I turned in my seat, floating the wooden box to the princess. “How about you give her this, then? Unless she already has it.”

The princess blinked as her hoof found her crown and lifted it from the water, flicking it in the air, drying it a touch before lowering it onto her head. “You mean you would give it just like that?”

“Life at the orphanage might be boring,” I had started, “but being on the moon all by yourself must be worse.”

The princess smiled. “Very well. I'll accept your gift... once you have properly beaten it, first.”

My jaw dropped, and my eyes widened. “W-What! But I did beat it!”

“Using your magic!”

“I'm a unicorn! Unicorns aren't any good with their hooves?”

“Says who?”

“Says... g-general history... and stuff!” My shoulders dropped, and sadness stole my expression. “I'm only the best when it comes to my magic! When you take that away...”

The princess tucked her legs beneath her frame, resting her head next to the bench, next to me. “And what happens when you take that away?”

I pouted and shook my head. “I stop being special.”

“What makes you special is something different from what makes you the best.” The princess cleaned closed, and the proximity of her smile warmed me. “You being you, and all that you had to say, is what made you special to me.”

My head cocked, and my jaw hung in confusion. “But I didn't do anything special at all!”

The princess nuzzled my cheek. “Exactly.”

I slumped into the bench. “You still don't make much sense.”

The princess pulled back. “The thing that makes you special is yourself. It's not something that can be taken away from you. It's only when ponies express themselves less... that we don't see them for how special they really are.”

The princess started to rise. “Ponies stop being normal the moment we get to know them better.”

I'd looked at the box floating in my magic and, ceasing my spell, caught the game with my hooves. The wood slid a bit down my hooves, but I adjusted my grip, looking at the game awkwardly. Then I looked up at the princess. “But I'm still only the best when it comes to my magic. It's not like my hooves will ever be better than that.”

The princess nodded. “Indeed. No matter how talented you become with your hooves... they could never defeat your magic in skill.”

“So why practise them?”

“To discover if you can do it.”

I focused on the game, on how my hooves held the box, feeling for the right amount of pressure to apply. It was odd to be carrying something without my magic. But it was something new. Something different. Like a new world of possibility opening up.

“One doesn't have to be the best at something for it to have been worthwhile,” the princess began as she looked forward. “And what you learn through it will be a greater reward than just being the best at one given thing.”

I stuck my tongue out and nodded, tilting the box, getting a better feeling for how to hold things. The princess watched me silently, and I continued to play. The rest of the afternoon carried on like that.

Once I had gotten the ball to the end, the two of us cheered, and the princess offered to get us ice cream before taking me home. The staff forgave me easily upon seeing my guest—though I still got an earful the next day.

And then... I blinked.

I returned to the present. I'd stopped on the street as ponies passed by me. The fountain and the bench were the same, but the shop had been replaced by a bakery looking to the right. I looked back at the bench two mares were killing the rest of the day.

Childhood sometimes felt like a dream that never actually happened. It was hard to see my filly self on it. It was as though that memory had never happened. It's hard to imagine the past ever happened when all you have is the present around you.

My hooves had taken me back home, or what had once been my home, the orphanage set on the edge of the plateau that held Canterlot. Where it was more forest than city and grass than cobblestone. It was off the beaten path, and a place no ordinary citizen would visit.

And I returned to the place that had been my first home... though it never really felt close to that. I slowed on the stone path as barely trimmed grass rose on its sides. Ahead, a square building rose, dilapidated, barely managed well enough for it to keep the lights on.

I expected to feel something once I came back here... but nothing really rose. There weren't any stories. None that stood out among the mess of blurs. I remember the other colts and fillies, the long halls, tall ceiling, and the overall emptiness of the building.

And I looked to see that the orphanage had been converted into a hotel.

Bronzed gates still housed the structure, with greenery surrounding it. It seemed like all the previous kids had found a better place, and that the building couldn't find any more to take in. A few ponies wandered it as the night deepened above.

A part of me wondered about those previous kids. Most of the kids I had bunked with were dismayed when I did so well on my entrance exam. Were they overjoyed once I had failed? They seemed so mad when I seemed to be set on some sort of better path.

Did I wish the same for them? Did I also want that, because I held a subtle dislike for them all, that they also went on to live terrible lives—all so I could feel a little less bad about my own? My head shook on its own. No. It didn't matter. What good would it do to wish a terrible life on someone, all so I may selfishly feel better for but a moment?

I was a failure. And I was a failure for reasons both my own and not. But I didn't want to cheapen myself by feeling that, because we all had failed that, somehow, it wasn't entirely all of our faults. Even though it would hurt to hear of their many successes, the graduations from schools, the acquisition of fancy jobs, and owning nice homes... I'd rather everyone do well, and feel slightly bad about myself—than the reverse.

I pushed a hoof to my face. “Uuuugh. Stupid Sunset.” I mopped my face around before dropping my hoof. “What are you even thinking about even more?” I looked toward the hotel, and then the moon blurred by the clouds. A shrug became me. “Well. It's already late enough.”

I went to book a room.

And whispered to myself.

“Welcome home, Sunset.”

Someone played a bop on the piano as I passed through the doors and, tucked away in the corner of the lobby, a couple danced, another sat and listened, and even more shared a drink. There was a breath of life in the dead of the night. And it was a nice feeling to feel on hardened skin.

“Enjoying the music?”

The voice snapped me from my trance.

And I had forgotten that checking in was a thing.

“Uh, y-yeah! Yeah, yeah.” I blinked and bounced my head and then struck it with a hoof with the goofiness that Shining had struck me with—it felt as though his vibe would work best here. “It's pretty lively here. I wasn't really expecting it, uh... to be...”

My jaw dropped as being a jerk seemed to be a passive ability.

“We're a hotel stationed off central Canterlot! We don't get much traffic or attention, and the band wouldn't play here if we didn't offer them all a room.” The mare behind the counter flipped open a book. “To tell you the truth, to anyone else, the effort might not have been worth it!”

I shrugged. “So why invest it?”

“Because we often have little choice of where we live and work in life.” She lifted a quill and dipped it into ink. “And if you cannot go somewhere better, then all you can do is make here the best that you can! The night shift is unbearable, otherwise.”

I smiled. That's the thing I liked most about ponies. Beyond the magic and fantasy of the world they inhabited, they seemed to have a natural urge to create happiness around them. It was weird to think that I was also a pony.

That I had been born as one.

And yet.

I looked at ponies as an outsider.

And I looked at humans also as an outsider.

What am I? Pony? Human? A crisscross? Something in-between?

I shook my head.

I had enough musing for the day.

“I'd like to check-in, please.” I looked up and right as I searched for the memory of my old room. “Say! On the third floor, four doors right of the stairs, same side... would that be available?”

The mare pouted and looked down. “Sorry, hon, but that room is already taken.” She nodded toward the band. They casually played the keys and strung their strings, a casual flute blown in the mix. “That's the set they're taking while they're here. Does that room hold any significance to you? Because, to be honest, most of these suites are built exactly the same.”

I thought about it for a moment.

Then smiled.

“No trouble at all.” I nodded. “I'll take whatever room you got!”

I'd found the room easily, and the bed, easier, dropping the pouch onto the ground, crashing my body into the mattress, drowning my face into the pillow. I exhaled deeply and felt my breath spread across my features. My limbs ached as they relaxed, throbbing slightly, before releasing their tension.

It didn't take long for me to find sleep and lose my consciousness and all the woe surrounding it. To exist and float for a moment without worrying about anything beyond it. I rested and relaxed. Accepting that I had done enough in the day to earn my respite.

And then colour and shapes manifested in the blank nothingness, and suddenly, I was myself again, somewhere at sometimes, being clued in by the world of those previous two questions. It was dark as blackened clouds loomed beyond the stained glass. The sprawling red carpet squelched beneath my hoof, a sticking of blood painting my sole.

I blinked and looked around with a sudden heft spread throughout my frame. A swirl with the velocity of a tornado was compacted within it. Strength infused my muscles, and my horn doubled in size. I was powerful. I felt mighty.

I was something great and something grand.

“You've won.”

I dropped my hoof to the ground to see the view beyond it, of a snowy alicorn ruined by red, laid on her side with an eye barely retained on myself. Her usually floating air now laid dull on the ground. The vibrant colours dried of their brightest hues.

I blinked, and I stepped forward, my mouth opening. “P-Princess Celestia?”

I followed it the throne behind, perched ever so high, a place where the greatest one ever sat. She smiled sweetly and sadly, nodding weakly. “It's yours, now. Like how you've always wanted.”

“Always wanted?” I repeated. “But I never wanted something like that.” My head shook on its own. “And all I've ever wanted was for you not to be on it.... b-but... but not like this.”

The princess's eye closed slightly. “Then you have your revenge for all the neglect I forced you to endure.”

I stepped back and looked around, seeing the saturated colours of the pillars, the subtle phasing in the setting. “But you didn't neglect me. Not totally. I never wanted to be great, and I never could. So you had to get a new student, and then...”

I stomped my hoof on the fake blood. “No. None of this is right. I would never attack the princess. I would never crave great power or for this kind of revenge. This isn't me.” With the faux greatness in my horn, I cast a spell, a great dispel, that annihilated the particles that composed the dream.

Everything turned to white, and I returned to feeling alright, removed of any power, something that I felt better without. Its weight wasn't for me. And I didn't envy the mare that decided to bear it for me.

Hoofsteps clopped from behind, and I turned, seeing a different princess.

“Princess Luna.”

The Mare of the Night stood tall and seductively before me, with a smirk burned into her muzzle and a confident expression that seemed impossible to vanish from her features. She clapped her hooves for a moment, before entering a bow. “Tis I! I should have known better than to test a former student of my sister.”

I threw out my hoof. “It wasn't even that! You got your subject dead wrong.” Then returned it to the ground. “A dream world is the psychological manifestation of everything happening inside a particular pony. Even nightmares have to be reflective of something within the subject, or else even that will crumble.”

“So you bear no hate in your heart? No evil or desire for revenge?”

I sat on my rump and threw out my forelegs. “I just don't have anything like that in me anymore! Maybe a little, a while back, while I was still festering in it.” I shrugged as my arms dropped. “But even then... I was like you. At the first show of kindness and acceptance—I took it.”

Princess Luna looked down at the invisible flooring that supported us. “Interesting to know that such revenge would be so foreign as to break a lucid dream. But if you are not here to hurt my sister, or to claim great power... why, then, are you here?”

I wanted to pretend like I didn't know the answer. Like I hadn't already known it from the start. As if it would be some great surprise that would be realized the moment after it'd become true. But the truth of the matter is that we keep desires hidden from ourselves, for we know them to be impossible, and the act of having them, and being rejected of them, is too great and long of a pain to bear.

“Because I wanted to know if Princess Celestia still accepts this failure of a pony.”

Princess Luna arched an eyebrow. “You come for forgiveness?”

I looked down and shook my head. “No. But... that would be nice, I guess.”

Princess Luna watched me for a touch longer and, while I delicately looked back at her, I just did not have it in my heart to say the words barbed in thorns. She slowly nodded at me a moment later.

And carried on.

“I will not push the matter further, then,” Princess Luna began, “but answer me one thing, if you can.” She breathed through her mouth. “You still do not know the truth behind why my sister abandoned you. Why you were left for the sidelines. How do you have it in yourself to forgive her for that? Is this born from desperation because you have none else?”

The best I could offer was a shrug. “Maybe? I was upset at the time. I felt as though I was being replaced. I did some silly things. And I don't feel like I was fully in the wrong for doing them.” The tip of my horn sparked, and a nighttime city manifested around me, the glumly, empty streets of the human world. “But then life went on, and everything became such a grind. The days were the same. Interactions were never ever anything special.”

I collapsed as a lone car passed on the road.

“And instead of hating Celestia for being a part of the reason I ended up in such a place,” I continued. “I missed just being able to wake up and see her every day. To have breakfast and talk about the day. To watch the clock and class and know the seconds ticked down until we could see each other again. I was the only student that bunked in her chambers, to have my own room.”

I smiled and sighed wistfully. “And even when she was home, but had to deal with paperwork or whatever else, we still were in the same room, in each other's company, even if silently. Reading a book always felt better if she was around—even if all we shared was an idle comment and conversation every now and again.”

I then nodded. “And that's what it came down to, with my choice, in the end. I could get mad about the injustice about it all and how she could have done that to me and yadda-ya! But... when I thought about the good times, I just held the wish that we could go back to that again, and just forget the stuff that came afterward.”

“But that affects it, does it not?”

“Of course it does, or else we'd still be together otherwise.”

Princess Luna sat there for a long while and looked up to the sky. It must have been harder for her to see stars with all the sky pollution. She hummed, and thought about something. The tip of her horn glowed, and the world around us was changed.

The two of us looked at what was supposed to be my supposed destiny. Perhaps, in some ways, if I hadn't turned evil, I might have been led toward it. A castle formed around us, and at its center, was the stone statue that housed the Elements of Harmony.

“What I tell you now, you must never speak of, not even to yourself.” “For what I have to confess could ruin our nation if the public were to hear of it... or if our foes were to know of it.” Princess Luna closed her eyes, and floated the six stone orbs.

Princess Luna lowered her head.

“A thousand years ago, when I had chosen to walk the path of darkness, my sister was forced to use her magic, and magic beyond herself, to cast me to my banishment on the moon.” “And she banished me for as long as she did, for she knew she had not the strength to defeat me—or the will to do so.” The setting changed to space, and the ground, bright and white, a terrain of rocking ground that sprawled forever outward.

The glowing hue of the moon was pulled into a suction into the undersides of the princess's hooves, drinking its energy. She grew and bulked without losing her form. “The truth is that my sister has been weak ever since my banishment. Has it not in her to succeed in any real fight. It is for that reason she sought great powers in others. In why she chose you to find great power.”

In a flash, we were back in the castle, and the floating stones of elements swirled in a circle.

“The last power she had to rely on, the Elements, had been used up by her. She could not afford for me to come back early, while I still feasted on darkness and hate.” The stones dropped and crashed against the ground. Nothing of their greatness remained. “She wanted to convert me. But I answered none of her letters. When I came back, she would need a champion to defeat me, and over the years, she had found none.”

Another flash, and we were in Canterlot, in the street with the fountain that I could never forget.

“And so she found you, as you had touched something in her heart about me, a strong feeling that you would be the one to make the difference.” The princess looked over to the store, and I did the same, the old shop with all the older games. “My time was soon approaching, and if all else failed, you would have to be the one strong enough to defeat me. But power was never your desire. And your potential was never for it.”

Another flash, and we were in the throne room of Canterlot, with Celestia on her throne, an adolescent version of myself in the viewing area, and the filly Twilight Sparkle walking down the red carpet.

“Nothing would forestall my return, and my sister did not wish for you, or anyone else, to be hurt by what was to come.” Luna hung her head. “She focused all her efforts into Twilight Sparkle, and that had meant needed neglect for you. You did not receive the attention or acceptance that a growing filly needs, and that set you on a path that none could blame you for.”

Even though it felt odd.

Luna chose then to smile.

“It was only after you had left, however, that my sister came to claim doubts on her way of being.” Luna raised her head and focused that smile on me. “Her neglect had caused you and I, as well as many others, to walk the path of villains. It must be hard for her to know that her lack of focus or care is capable of destroying others. It is quite a weight.”

She chuckled.

“You spoke about sending me games and letters, and how the angry really only crave acceptance and goodness.” Luna turned to the statue for the Elements, and on the holders where the stones had been, a series of colour glints appeared. “So against all odds, my sister sent her student to go and make some friends and have some fun in the most critical moment of all. And it had been away from her pursuit of power when Twilight Sparkle became the most powerful of us all.”

Princess Luna inhaled deeply as the elements appeared, and the colours then struck her, removing the bloated power that had bulked her form. Once the magical swirl stream was complete, she was returned to her normal self.

“And like you, I did not care for the power or the weight, but to just be accepted as myself, and to live instead of existing.” Luna held her head high... before she lowered her. She dropped to her knees and bowed before me. “For it is I that ruined you. The reason why Celestia replaced you and neglected you. The major cause that pushed you on the path that you now tread.”

Her head shook on the ground. “And had it been not for me, you might still be with her now, and she might never have had a single expectation of you.”

I blinked and lowered my head, unravelling the story as the pieces seeped into my consciousness. It all made sense, in retrospect, of why Princess Celestia did what she did. But surprise wasn't in my heart. For, already there, I knew that the mare already had a good reason to do what she did.

“And the truth is that she misses you as much as you miss her,” Luna continued from the ground. “But she believes you to have rejected her as well—and for a good reason. You have done well without help from any. It seems as though anyone's interference would be a nuisance to you.”

I wrapped myself in a cloak of independence, that others weren't needed, were optional, that I didn't need their help to keep myself together, that I could walk my path well enough alone. Had that been true? Had I given the impression that I was better off on my own? The princess's approval, her anything... it's everything I've secretly yearned for. But did I ever give any hint that gave that away?

Was that what I wanted? To walk alone, do alone, accomplish alone? To show others that I no longer had a reliance on others? That independent mare didn't need a hug or uplifting conversation to get her through the days.

“Why tell me all of this?”

Luna looked surprised by the question.

The fact that it was asked at all.

“Because I ruined your life,” Luna began, “and none ever told you.” She bowed her head. “And because Celestia still causes you to hurt, and you still cause her the same pain.” She breathed deeply. “There's nothing worse in this world than feelings that are shared, but ponies go on thinking the reverse.”

That couldn't be right. “Your sister is a princess. She already has Twilight. I... I stopped being something special to her long ago.”

“My sister chose to hide beneath the crown to mask and stabilize her trembling soul. “ Luna rose, and laid a hoof on my chin, lifting it, and smiling into my eyes. “And Twilight is indeed someone close to her heart. But she entered the school with a family. My sister... tried to be like that to you.”

Her hoof fell, and she looked away.

“And she failed that duty because of me, and ever since you, has resorted to never try again.”

Shock trembled me.

Luna noticed. “Is that so hard to believe? That one so great and strong... feels weak, worthless, like nothing, and only feels something when she cares for you? That she needs your love as much as you need hers? A mother gives, and a daughter takes, but to the mother, it feels like the reverse.”

Luna smiled. “For what is love... when it does not have a home to go inside?”

Silence occupied the void. Nothingness without wind or naturalness to serve as distractions. It was a place where souls had no choice but to focus. Examine themselves. Face the bubbling that'd been ignored or unable to be dealt with.

“Do you forgive me?”

“Of course I do.”

My forgiveness should be worthless.

“Then all your thought has been directed toward the other matter?”

“Yes.”

“Then I shall leave the rest of the night for your mind to recover.” Inky blackness consumed the corners of my vision, infecting the dreamworld, disintegrating it. “Canterlot Castle will be yours to explore tomorrow. The guards will be informed that a guest is here to reclaim a game that she let me borrow long ago.”

The next day saw me checked out of the hotel, washed and refreshed, fed and groomed, feeling like a mare proper in her body. I walked the streets of Canterlot with the rest of the bustle. The deeper I went, the older the buildings became, and more archaic were the designs. Everything narrowed, but opened in terms of land.

Letting me know I reached the border to where only royals, and those associated with them, were allowed to go. Soon a marble path opened beneath my hooves, and suddenly I was alone, grass fields with scattered gardens opening to my sides, the towering white walls of the castle ahead.

Golden gates stood close, and a fleet of guards stood before and behind the bars, causing me to stop for a moment. I looked back the way I came. I had the bits, now, to explore this world a little more. To make the first steps to ensure my continued independence here.

I could go on, here, like I did in the world before, without anyone's help but my own.

Then you would need to find another world to escape yourself from.

I walked toward the gates, and the two guards touched their glossed poles to the ground, knocking as they took form. Refusing to look at me as they saw over my head, one of them spoke. “Purpose at Canterlot Castle?”

“I'm here...” How was I supposed to phase my excuse? Here to retrieve a game from fillyhood that was sent to the moon? “...as a guest of Princess Luna. Did she—“

The bottom of their poles knocked the ground twice, and the guards behind gave a call, the golden gates pulling open. The guards spread and took to the sides, entering a salute, clearing my way to enter. I looked forward to the castle. It loomed in view despite its closeness.

And home tingled in my heart.

I looked to the side at the guard. “I don't suppose I could ask you for directions?”

He continued looking over my head. “They're posted at the entrance; a servant will assist if needed.”

I nodded. “Thanks.”

I entered the inner grounds of the castle. The gates clinked closed behind. Fillies and colts frolicked across the fields, watched by nobles with smiles. I followed the path to the entrance of the castle, its sizable doors already open.

I stepped from the warm sunlight into the cool dimness of the castle, the lavish lobby of tables and chairs, a counter for assistance and a board composed with whatever knowledge a visitor could need.

Yet I needed none of it.

As nothing about the castle had changed.

I stepped into the halls and followed my memories to where they led. To the little races I had to see how long it would take to sprint across the castle, or the places where I would hide away. I allowed myself to the royal gardens, where the great oak tree still shielded a patch of flowers, a railing that oversaw the sweep of the city.

Next in my journey had been the library, to see the spines of the books I'd devoured as a filly, the texts I'd never thought I'd get to see again. Stories and geography, history and magical knowledge never printed in the human world.

Things that could only be recited from memory.

And never experienced again as to produce new ones.

Until now.

Part of me wanted to abandon all else. Rent a few books and take them back to the gardens. Return to the tree where I always read as a child, feeling the breeze in the air, the faintest sunlight on my coat. The knowing that Celestia was always close, and the hidden joy of being surprised out of a book when she found me.

But will she find you again, this time?

Maybe by chance.

But I wasn't here to risk my only opportunity.

And why are you here... completely?

That thought had taken me to the last place I expected to go, unsure of how I would meet her again. My first goal was to find Luna, and let her handle things... after I'd finished reliving being a child, first. I walked through the halls until I found the tall doors, the entrance to the castle.

Mysteriously, there were no guards posted, even though that should have been impossible, as they switched each other out. Had things changed? Unlikely here. Still... something beat in my chest, and the feeling cleared logic from my head. Like when I was a filly allowed to do as she pleased, I pushed myself to the doors, pushing on them a little, looking through the slit to see the throne room.

To see if she was sitting on it.

Which she wasn't.

Was Princess Celestia even here? Part of me worried that she wasn't—even though I still tried to hide such profound worries from myself. She was like a ghost and a gift. Something extraordinary that you, even though you knew was here, somewhere else in this castle, that somehow she wasn't.

Princess Celestia was somehow here, and the traces of her essence lingered everywhere.

She was like Santa Clause in a way.

Even if I had seen no visible sign of her.

I squeezed into the throne room and closed the door behind me, again finding no guards, something else that was wrong. Rarely was there truly an empty room in Canterlot Castle. But the mirth of being alone in a place I spent a lot of time in as a little girl was too much for me to care about much else.

I tread the red carpet across the great length of the place, gazing around the emptiness, the towering columns rocketed toward heaven. Stained glass the size of gates loomed to the left, allowing and infusing sunlight, creating a sort of lighting, a sort of mood you could only find in this place.

And then my hooves stopped before the steps of the throne.

They seemed taller as a filly. Like great, white, towering bricks that led to a place far higher than I could ever dare to reach. It felt as though I needed to jump from one to the next, that first few would be possible... but the rest would be too tall to reach.

But now, it would be different. Reaching the impossible steps that once rose to the height of heaven, I climbed them, finding that, despite previous magic, they were no different than any other staircase. My heart hammered as I committed a crime and a mockery.

It was a great insult for someone other than a princess to sit on the throne.

I wonder if being a princess at heart counts.

I reached the throne and turned around, planting my rump in the seat, twitching upward as ice licked my flanks. I looked down to see that it wasn't a trick or trap. The princess kept the seat cold, for whatever reason.

But she never acts like the seat is anything different at all.

I sat down again, carefully, inhaling through my mouth to deal with the icy pain. Once I had settled into the ice bath, I accumulated to the cold, finding myself alert, and better able to handle the pain. However, I found that no matter how much I spread or opened myself, more space revealed itself on the throne.

“It takes a little getting used to,” a voice said from down the hallway, and I looked up with shrunken eyes. “And don't believe what anyone tells you. It's as hard to sit down today as it was yesterday. Some days, I am more prepared to handle it, and some days, I am not.”

The princess strolled down the carpet, slowing near its middle, entering a circle of sunlight.

“But no matter what, easy or hard, prepared or not, it's my duty to sit on that throne, to endure the cold that keeps me ever alert.” Princess Celestia stood tall despite being below, an eye hidden by billowing mane. She smiled. “ Though my sister seems to think that my rump is awfully hot, and I use the throne to cool it down. She can be a pest, at times. Like an emergency order to the guards to leave the throne room vacant.”

Her muzzle tilted up, and I felt looked down on regardless of my elevation.

“And I must admit that you are the last pony I suspected to find here... and much like this.”

My mouth opened as I looked around, searching for words, a viable excuse, anything to buy me out of this situation. Then I figured the best reasoning I had was the truth. “I... remembered… how you used to sit up here. I always wondered how it must have looked. How it must have... felt.”

“Far colder than you were expecting?”

“For a princess that radiates warmth? Yes.” I nodded. “Very much so.”

“I often found that warmth to be the cause of most of my problems.” Princess Celestia looked left and out of the stained glass, looking to the sun of her product. Everything, even me, was a product of her. “I wished to wash my subjects in warmth, and to bathe in the warmth they showed. This, to the unknown pain of a sister.”

I held my mouth.

“I wished to indulge you in the warmth that you sparked inside of me,” The princess looked back at me, “like a mother would a daughter. But a great threat approached, and I was forced to abandon you.”

I looked down at my hooves.

“The cold you felt, the cold you'd dealt with all your life, was all the colder because I had showered you in warmth—and then took it away.” The princess looked down at her hooves. “It seemed to me long ago that my warmth, the desires within it, caused more pain than mirth.”

It seemed, throughout my life, that wanting happiness was a crime.

“I am a warm pony, and require something to keep me cold, so I may make the best choices as a princess.” Princess Celestia stepped forward with a raise of her head, coming to the steps of the throne. “The world has been kept in balance ever since then. I've wounded fewer ever since I've made that change.”

“But you've also missed out on what it means to live,” I found myself saying without realizing it, without the right to advice authority, without the processing of my beliefs first. “You cannot relate to ponies the same. Feel the same depth of emotion as they do. You won't know the pain that comes with loss, or the joy of finding something again.”

Princess Celestia smiled. “It's a good thing Twilight Sparkle wrote so many friendship lessons.”

I smiled too... and dropped my gaze. “I missed you, princess.”

“You missed your princess?”

I smiled without smiling. I was a filly on timeout. Talking to a parent that had ceased to be a parent long ago.

“I missed you... Celestia.”

I looked up to see Celestia had closed her eye. Something quaked within her. Composure consumed her. But there was that generation of feeling that couldn't be contained. I waited to see what would be the result of my confession.

“Luna told you about everything, didn't she?”

“She did.”

“Did you forgive her?”

“I did.”

“And do you forgive me?”

“It doesn't feel like you two should be asking for my forgiveness. Like it’s wrong, somehow.” I sighed. “I still walked an evil path. Still did what I did.”

“But you may not have,” Celestia pressed, “had we been better princesses… and if I had not failed you.”

“Failed me?” I asked with doubt. “But I was the one that failed you. I didn't become the magician you needed me to be. Couldn't be the daughter you wanted me to be. I—“

“I had no such expectations of you!” Celestia shouted with an inflection of emotion, which leaked out from the created crack. From below, it felt as though she finally looked up at me. “Only that you continued to be you, and that you explored and developed to wherever that may go.”

Celestia slumped. “At least, that's what my warmth wanted... while coldness knew I needed someone else to confront my sister.”

I shook my head. “We've both failed. We've both failed each other in some way.” I leaned forward as desperation laced my voice. “I'm tired of pretending to not know what I feel and think, anymore. Because the truth is that I've missed you, Celestia. That I've missed you for so long that it feels like I have to pretend that you don't mean anything to me at all. I came here to find home, and in all the places that I've stayed, none have felt like it.”

I sighed. “But with you here, I feel like I'm at the door of it.”

Celestia looked through my eyes and into my being. “And I've missed you. Missed you... far more than I've dared to confess myself. This decision is not mine to make. I can't cool my head enough to see why taking you into my arms again would be some kind of mistake.”

She offered forward her hoof. “So I leave the choice to you. You're brave, smart, and talented. I love you. Seeing you... broke me. I thought I would have more words. More defence. But the truth is that I've missed you. Worried for you. Felt a lot of more things than I should ever dare have the right to feel.”

Celestia bowed. “But you need to decide, now and forever, where you want your home to be.”

I leaned back on the throne as I surrendered myself to frozen thoughts. I'd never expected her to take me back so easily... but pain, sometimes, goes both ways. I was an older mare, now. Someone who would be moving out on their own.

Was it too late? This was the point that I would begin my independent life. Would there be much point in having something close to a mother? Would we speak a lot? Even have the time to be intimate? Both of us were cold to the world. We needed to deal with its hardships.

But it left us as husks with the remote wish to live once again.

Our time would be limited, and even then, what was the point of an impersonal hug?

There would be the chance for ever greater pain. Reminders that the filly that used to snuggle into Celestia's chest fluff was no longer here, and that we could never go back to being that close. Something inside us would always keep us at a distance. So close, yet so far.

It might be better for us both to make a clean break and find something, or someone else, to fill that emptiness.

I now understood why the princess froze her throne. The foreseeing of what warmth hid behind the happiness. Would the repressed and regressed pain of reminders be worth it for the occasional letter and lunch? Would our mutual limitation of time and connection cause horrible things to fester between us?

When a daughter has outgrown a mother, she is supposed to find a significant other, and soon become a mother herself.

I wasn't nearly that old yet, but at the same time, I wasn't that far away.

Would Celestia even be willing to be the kind of grandmother that a child would need?

The coldness of the throne consumed me, and the princess saw it at once, feeling blinded, somehow, by that warmth again. She stepped back, and pain rose in my heart, which I laid a hoof against. Then, through the fluff of my chest, I felt the warmth of my beating heart. The primal reminder of the thing that keeps us here.

And will one day stop.

And when I thought about that, thought about everything that had made my life, tears had started in my eyes, and without warning, I rose, and charged toward the princess. She looked at me in confusion, and wobbled as my face struck her chest. I sunk into her garden of white fluff, feeling and hearing her breathing, and the serene beating of her heart.

“I-I... I don't w-want t-to l-lo-lose you!” I wailed as my hoof felt across her body, searching for proof that there was life in her—that we could go back to what we were before. That the world was big and scary, and that I was tired, soft underneath all my hardness. “I'm tired of returning to an empty house. Sad that I don't have anyone to love me. I don't like being alone. I hate it. And I just miss you so much that I... I...”

Something shushed into my ear as hooves stroked across my back, the mare gently coming to sit, tucking me between her legs. Celestia hushed my whimpers, caressing my mane, holding me close.

“It's okay... it's okay... I'll be your home...”

I looked up at her with swollen eyes, and she smiled down at me, much the same. She held me tight, far tighter than I'd ever been held in my life. I felt the weakness in her. The lack of having anyone to hold like this. She carried me like a mother would a daughter, and never had I felt more whole.

“I'll be your home, little Sunset Shimmer."