"I'm Never Doing LSD Again" - Duke Nukem circa. 2022
View Online
"I'm Never Doing LSD Again" - Duke Nukem circa. 2022
Author's Note
This story was written with a high-grade fever (I have the Rona), so some of the grammar might be oof. DM me if you see anything like that and I won't fix it.
"I'm Never Doing LSD Again" - Duke Nukem circa. 2022
Duke Nukem was laying in his Alaska King size bed while some bitch sucked his 13 inch Magnum Grade™ cock. The patent office tried telling him some bullshit about how "You can't trademark your penis, Mr. Nukem" but he whipped out his throbbing 13 Inch Magnum Grade Cock™ and the patent office clerk was fired and kicked out of the city while a giant tungsten phallus was made to honor his large endowment, with a parade cumming to your town soon soon.
Despite his success, Duke was feeling like nobody was prepared for his TIMGC™ (Thirteen Inch Magnum Grade Cock™). This bitch had been sucking for a rock hard 3 hours straight when it hit him as to what he should do: Take a lick of LCD and travel to another dimension to fuck some wicked ass space bitches or something like that.
After standing up with a audible pop, Duke walked over to a red phone sitting on a desk nearby and dialed the Pentagon, The White House, and his drug dealer, Carlos. The Pentagon picked up first, "Duke. What do you need?" The only thing Duke did was hold the phone up to his asscheeks and let a Spicy Taco Bell Gordita do all the talking. It was a short conversation.
Dunuht dunt dunt "Fuck that guy." budduh dun dah duddah dun nah!
Next he called The White House, the president instantaneously responded "Mr. Nukem! Congratulations on the patent, but we need you to fend off an alien horde coming straight for the Earth!"
Dunuht dunt dunt "Sorry Prez, I got an itch and it ain't an STD..." bunduh dunt dunt "...I think" budduh dun dah duddah dun nah!
"Uh, wha-?"
Dunuht dunt dunt "I need your teleporter" budduh dun dah duddah dun nah!
"Wha-why?!"
Dunuht dunt dunt "To fuck your wife" budduh dun dah duddah dun nah!
Duke hung up that. The president was DEFINETLY a cuck.
Finally, He called up his drug dealer, Carlos, "Hello, it's your friendly neighborhood drug dealer, Carlos, what can I get you?"
Dunuht dunt dunt "I need 30 licks" budduh dun dah duddah dun nah!
"OK that will be $3429.99, cash or credit?"
Twilight was sitting in her castle all hot and bothered practicing a summoning spell when Rainbow Dash flew in after hearing all the moaning and crashing of... 'objects'.
"Oh, perfect, Rainbow Dash, your lesbian, right?"
"What!? No! Maybe... was it that obvious?"
"THEN MOUNT ME LIKE A FUCKING BULL RIDER, SALLY!"
"Taste the Raaaiiiinbooow!!!"
Duke had looked like a post office had came in his mouth by the time the LSD finally kicked in, telling him it was go time. With his 13 Inch Magnum Cock™
Dunuht dunt dunt "Time to chew ass and kick bubble gum..." bunduh dunt dunt "...hard." budduh dun dah duddah dun nah!
Duke fired the portal gun and jumped in
"RAAAAIIIINBOOOW!!!" Said what was now TWO hot and bothered ponies. At the moment of climax, Twilights spell had enough magic to make the summoning spell work, in which a massive pony with what Twilight could only describe as a... a 26 Inch Magnum Cock™ fell through.
Rainbow Dash, scared flew off with an audible popping noise and Twilights favorite strap-on. She wondered how long it would take Rainbow to realize she had a mini mobi huge strapped to her stomach.
"Who are you, strong looking stallion?" Twilight asked like she didn't just get her back blown out.
Dunuht dunt dunt "My name is Duke..." bunduh dunt dunt "...and I'm here to... Fuck." budduh dun dah duddah dun nah!
"Bend me over and use me like a cock sleeve!"
Dunuht dunt dunt "Hot" budduh dun dah duddah dun nah!
"Applejack, what in the Sam hell are you doing in a tub out here?" asked Big Mac
Applejack was sitting in a conveniently placed pony sized bucket with an auto-latch system attending to her royal duties.
"Well I'm obviously-"
Out of nowhere, she heard Twilight call out "Watch out! Your in the splashzone!"
"What in the tarna- OH MY GO-" and before she knew it, Applejack was locked in a tub full of mixed love juices. I am 99% sure SOMEBODY has that fetish, so congratulations, you've been satisfied. Don't know what it would be called, but I'm sure it has some stupidly unassuming name like Sounding or some bullshit like that.
"AAooaOOoaoOAHahahAHa"
"Hmmt hmmt hmmt"
"AOOOAHAHOOAOHOAHAOOHAAOO"
"HUMPT HUMPT HUMPT"
"AAAAAHHHHAHHHAHHH!!!!!"
BOOOOOOMMMMmmmmm
Duke found himself in a black void, butt ass naked back in human form
Dunuht dunt dunt "Where the hell am I?" budduh dun dah duddah dun nah!
Suddenly, a great big head (Not a penis) materialized out of thin air, or lack of it.
Dunuht dunt dunt "Congratulations, King..." bunduh dunt dunt "...You nutted in that bitch so hard, you created a whole new universe right inside her coochie." budduh dun dah duddah dun nah!
Then the Duke Doppelganger revealed his head (a penis)
Dunuht dunt dunt "Oh my god..." bunduh dunt dunt "...and its the fabled 32 Foot Magnum Cock™!" budduh dun dah duddah dun nah!
OG Duke basked in its glorious shadow before DoppelDuke added
Dunuht dunt dunt "Oh my, me, King" budduh dun dah duddah dun nah!
Duke, using his newfound powers to create a universe without ponies, renamed himself to Zeus Nukem, however the 'Nukem' part was lost to time. His sexual exploits became the shit of legends, legends that would be talked about for thousand of years. His craziest escapade was when he accidentally busted a bit in his ear and some bitch named Athena popped out. True story. Source: dude, trust me.
Eventually growing bored of his day-to-day fucking, sucking and ducking, Zeus settled down and remembered the ponies that got him to where he was today, and decided to honor their memory by making a kids show that millions of grown ass men would watch and enjoy enough to bust a nut at a wall of text. That show was called My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.
FIN
