Love Is For Monkeys! (Nobody Loves Sunset Shimmer)
Buzz, buzz. Buzz, buzz. In the pockets and purses of seven girls sitting or standing around in Sunset's apartment, phones vibrated.
With fingers, thumbs, and in one case a noseprint (Pinkie thought it was more fun that way) the girls unlocked their phones.
Someone had sent them all the same message.
one time
when rarity belle was five years old and didnt understand money yet
only generosity
she shoplifted a pack of gum
Rarity said, "I didn't know any better! I was only five years old! And I never did it again. I realized it would be bad for my complexion."
"What?" Twilight said.
"Shoplifting can cause worry wrinkles. It is NOT becoming to a lady. And, of course, it is also immoral."
"Hmm," Applejack said. "This message says it came from 555-0000."
Twilight shook her head. "Obviously faked. Everyone knows--"
Buzz, buzz. Buzz, buzz. Another message.
one time when she was very tired
twilight sparkle made a math mistake
she forgot to add epsilon
"Hey!" Twilight complained. "That's not a nice thing to say! And how much difference does it really make, anyway?"
Buzz, buzz. Buzz, buzz.
did you think rainbow dash was good at sports?
that's not true
rainbow dash is bad at dominos
she lost ten games in a row
"Dominos aren't even a sport!" Rainbow argued. "It doesn't count!"
twilight sparkle is an underwear swapper
one time she loaned rarity a pair of granny-style panties
not very fashionable rarity
"Hay!" Twilight complained. "I never even CLAIMED to be fashionable. And whose business is it, what kind of underpants I wear?"
A moment later, the phones buzzed again.
twilights bras are ugly too
Twilight asked, "Why are so many of these stupid messages about ME? Why am I being singled out?"
The phones buzzed.
pinkie pie is bad at drugs
and doesnt drink alcohol
not a real party girl at all
"What's wrong with not liking drugs?" Pinkie said. "I have a busy busy party planning schedule that never stops. I don't have TIME for hangovers or withdrawals. And drugs are expensive! I spend my money on fun party supplies. I can't afford a drug addiction! So I'm clean as a whistle!"
Buzz, buzz.
you know what else is clean as a whistle
(photos of pinkie pie and applejack snorting pixie sticks)
"Hey!" Pinkie growled. "That was supposed to be a PRIVATE party!"
Buzzzz. Buzz.
fluttershy said something rude to a kitten once
Fluttershy sighed. "It's true."
Buzz, buzz.
"Oh, COME ON!" Pinkie groused. "Can't we have one balloonbucking minute of peace?"
Buzz, buzz.
pinkie is so talented at making balloon animals
she makes her own super squeaky strapons
Twilight shrugged. "We all knew Pinkie is very talented. So why SHOULDN'T she make her own fun? I mean, in ALL senses of the word."
Rainbow laughed. "Sounds like some of Pinkie's parties are even more fun than we already knew."
Twilight blushed. "There's...nothing wrong with a LITTLE party, maybe only two people, to help a girl unwind when she's feeling too tense."
Rainbow's elbow nudged Twilight. "I'll say. I guess you're more of a party girl than we knew. Than MOST of us knew?"
Buzz, buzz.
Sunset glowered. "Does anyone even want to bother to read that one? Because those messages are stupid."
Pinkie leaned over towards Sunset. "Heeeey."
"Heeey what?"
"Why aren't any of these messages about YOU, Sunset?"
"Um...I don't know. What does that have to do with anything?"
Rainbow said, "Whoever's doing this, they know secrets about all of us. And they're naming and shaming all of us, except Sunset. I wonder why that is?"
Buzz, buzz. Buzz, buzz. Buzz, buzz. Buzz, buzz...
Sunset screamed. "Now I hate smartphones. I want to go back to Equestria." She checked her phone anyway, just to make it stop buzzing.
sunset is mean to her leopard gecko ray
she would rather do anything else than play with ray
even play stupid computer games
or play with a stupid stuffed toy parakeet
"It's not about the parakeet!" Sunset screamed.
"I don't know about that," Twilight said. "This last message might include a valuable clue to how the culprit thinks."
Rarity nodded. "A criminal's motives can be important to solving a mystery. If I've learned anything from all those detective novels I read..."
Buzz, buzz. Buzz, buzz.
its not the gecko
you morons
geckos cant text
or email
they dont even have phones
gecko is innocent
Buzz, buzz. Buzz, buzz.
"Another message! But why is this message on MY phone only?" Sunset wondered aloud. She opened it.
Dear Sunset Shimmer
Thank you for joining our new friends and family mobile plan.
Please fill out this survey about how satisfied you and the rest of your family are with your new Whoahaysung ultra-portable phones.
"So light, so easy, it's a breeze to take along anywhere!"
"Wow," Dash said. "So who did you get new phones for? Are we, like, your family now?"
"I don't HAVE a family on this side of the portal. And on the other side...Celestia can get her OWN doublebucking phone, if she even wants one."
"So who's on this new plan?"
"I don't know. It says I got new phones for...six family members? But who did this? Is it hackers?" Sunset speculated. "Or is it an identity thief?"
"Maybe someone found out your passwords somehow?" Twilight said. "But who would be in a position to do that? Does anyone see you while you're typing on your computer?"
"I think it might be identity theft!" Sunset growled. "We had a lot of trouble with that in Equestria...and I guess identity theft is spreading to this side of the portal too. Sun blast every changeling! I hate them so much!"
Rarity shook her head. "The answer isn't always changelings, Sunset."
"Whoever did this...first thing tomorrow morning, I'm going to the Gallop Mobile store, and I'll cancel all this stuff."
"Good idea," Twilight agreed. "I'll come with you, just in case you need help with any hacking."
"You mean...help FIXING hacking problems?"
"Sure!" Twilight agreed. "That's what I meant."
"But who found out so much about us? And got access to my accounts? Hacker, spy, or identity thief?"
Outside the window, a human who looked exactly like Sunset peered out of the bushes, flashing a 'thumbs up' sign at someone indoors. On the other side of the glass, in a dry aquarium, a small amber and black spotted lizard nodded back. Each of them held up a tiny ultralight, super-portable smartphone, and grinned at the other.
"Hey," Rainbow interrupted. "Someone said something a little while ago..."
"What?" Twilight and Sunset asked at the same time.
"Something about a gecko...named Ray?"
"Oh!" Sunset nodded. "Yes. You've seen him before, right?" She walked over to a table near the window, and reached into a glass tank. "This is Ray. All you girls had pets of your own, and I felt kind of left out by not having one. So Fluttershy helped me pick him out."
Sunset frowned. "I haven't really taken very good care of him. I bought him, and I took him home...but I hardly ever DO anything with him, you know? If it wasn't for the app I don't remember installing on my phone, reminding me to give him water and feed him and clean his cage, I guess he would have starved by now. The poor little guy. OW!"
Sunset yanked her hand back. "I guess he doesn't like me."
"Maybe he's just feeling upset," Fluttershy said. She joined Sunset next to the tank.
A minute later, the animal maven said, "No, you were right. He doesn't like you one bit. He said he wishes you would die, except then maybe no one would take care of him at all and he might die too."
"I'm so sorry, Ray!" Sunset gripped her wound with her other hand. "I didn't mean to make you feel like I don't care about you. Even though I guess the only real reason I ever got you was, I wanted to fit in. I blame peer pressure. I WAS a moron. Just like the mysterious text message said."
Buzz, buzz. Buzz, buzz.
Sunset pulled her phone out of her back pocket.
yes you are a moron
give your lizard to someone who isnt such a shit
someone who has a heart
someone who can love
not like you
then i wont send all the secrets to everyone in school
"I WON'T give in to blackmail!" Sunset shouted. "Buck the feathersniffing hayseedsnorting darknessworshipping...IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY!"
Buzz, buzz. Buzz, buzz.
answer the door
A moment later, the doorbell rang.
Sunset stomped over to the front door. "I swear on Celestia's flaming flanks! If this is--"
The door opened. Sunset stared.
"Excuse me." A girl who looked exactly like Sunset stepped into the apartment. "Give me the lizard, and nobody gets hurt."
"What?" Sunset said. "Who are you?"
"I'm the REAL Sunset Shimmer, THIS world's original Sunset Shimmer. Not you, you...disgusting fake from a parallel universe. I think little Ray is SO adorable. And you've been neglecting that little cutie terribly. Ray deserves someone who will truly love him. Not you, you heinous bitch."
Sunset said, "I think you meant birch."
"I meant bitch, bitch."
All around the room, phones buzzed.
give her the lizard
she deserves me more than you do
Rarity gently lay down her phone. "Confession!" She raised her fists triumphantly. "Our criminal has confessed! He said, 'she deserves ME more than you do. Now we know who he is!"
Sunset's double said, "But is Ray wrong? Don't I deserve him more than you do? Which of us truly loves him? Fake Sunset...or me?"
Buzz, buzz.
she loves me
you dont
hand over the lizard
u know its the right thing to do
Sunset sighed. She carefully picked up the aquarium, and offered it to her double. "I'll miss you, Ray."
Buzz, buzz.
no you wont
i know you wont
stupid b-word
"Ok...maybe I won't miss you a whole LOT. But I think sometimes, I might miss you a little."
Sunset's double nodded, stepped back outside, and walked away, holding the aquarium in both hands.
Sunset watched, with one hand on the doorframe. After a minute, Sunset sighed, and closed the door.
Pinkie's big blue eyes focused on her friend. "What's wrong, Sunny? Aren't you happy? Two creatures who love each other finally get to be together. Isn't that beautiful?"
Sunset sighed again. "There's just one question that still bothers me. How did a gecko know all those secrets about us? How did a gecko--"
Buzz buzz. Buzz buzz.
people dont notice gecko is there
they talk carelessly in front of gecko
say things they might regret
even walk around in their underwear
do u know better now
"But how was Ray able to send us all those texts? Everyone knows lizards don't have thumbs."
my real name is not ray
i am sunray shimmer
i am sunsets counterpart from the lizard universe
i am very smart
and thumbs are for monkeys
real sunset and i love each other very much
not like you pony bitch
also when real sunset shimmer was talking to u
and called me he
it was only to help me escape
i am a girl you moron
(photos attached)
"Aww!" Pinkie squealed. "Look at them kissing each other! Isn't that so cute! Now I think I love both of them!"
"Eewww!" Sunset's mouth looked like she was trying to spit something out. "Gross. Lizard kissing."
Twilight laughed. "What about you and Flash Sentry? Wasn't that a human kissing a horse?"
"That's different! He and I are both mammals! And besides, I never let him get beyond second base, so it doesn't count."
Buzz buzz.
Twilight rechecked her phone. "More pictures. Huh. Huhhh. I guess maybe Sunray and Human Sunset really DO love each other. Scientifically speaking, this is all very fascinating." She held out the phone. "They've been writing each other little love poems. I didn't know lizards COULD write sonnets.
"And there's a really cute video of them both dancing, from sometime back before you let Sunray go with Human Sunset. In the video, Human Sunset was on the outside of your apartment's picture window, looking in, and Sunray was on the inside, looking out. The glass kept them apart, but in the dance, they were together." Twilight scratched her head. "I wonder if that's how they met? Maybe one of them was dancing on one side, and then the other saw, and started dancing too...and..." Twilight sighed. "It's really sweet, you know?"
Sunset sighed. "It just makes me feel terrible."
"But darling," Rarity said. "You know you never really loved Ray. Aren't you HAPPY to give him...I mean her...up to someone who does?"
"It's not that. It's because...true love was happening right under my nose, and I never even noticed. I wonder...am I doomed to go the rest of my life without ever finding love?"
Twilight blushed. "What an...interesting question for scientific investigation. Can Sunset Shimmer find true love? You can try going on dates with different experimental subjects, holding hands...maybe even, at the end of the night, a little kiss..."
Sunset turned towards the wall, and slammed both hands against it. "Experimental subjects? Anyone who would ever try to make love a SCIENTIFIC EXPERIMENT could never be the right person for me."
Rainbow said, "You know what helps me feel better, when I'm upset and very, very hungry? pizza."
"Yes," Rarity said. "Doesn't pizza sound good? So much healthier than ice cream. And they say the way to a man's...I mean, person's heart, is through her stomach."
"Fine," Sunset said. "Our usual?" She reached for her phone.
"Let me get it!" Twilight said. "I...just sold another patent! So I can get the pizzas this time."
Sunset shrugged. "Whatever." She walked over to her couch, and slumped down onto it.
Twilight's phone buzzed. She checked it for messages.
i know what youre trying to do
sunset doesnt know what shes missing
were rooting for you twilight
hoping someday you can find a love as wonderful as ours
"Who's that?" Sunset asked. "Are those hackers...identity thieves or whatever...still bothering you?"
"It's nothing," Twilight said. "Nothing worth worrying about."
She tapped the pizza-ordering app, and selected the order she already knew by heart.
With the pizza on its way, Twilight reopened her favorite picture of human world Sunset and lizard Sunset kissing. She sighed.
She wondered silently, why can't I have a love like that?
Over Twilight's shoulder, Sunset said, "Ick. Lizard porn. Would you please CLOSE that thing? Just...get rid of it."
"Sure, Sunny."
But Twilight didn't drag the picture to the trash can icon. She knew she never would.
true love is forever
