How Spitfire Made The Dinosaurs Go Extinct

by Soaring

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Death, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Soarin, Spike, Rainbow Dash, Sex, Spitfire, Random
Length: 3313

It involves a bouncy castle and one greedy dragon…

Spike is celebrating his eighteenth birthday. He received a lot of gifts on this day, but one in particular made him really excited: a full blown (quite literally) bouncy castle. Lots of ponies were attending his party, but one in particular also liked bouncy castles. Put two and two together and it was a magical cocktail waiting for someone to be launched into the stratosphere…

Spike didn’t think it would literally happen.

I don't even know what to say about this one. This just happened thanks to FamousLastWords. Written in two hours.

Red tags are pretty tame just fyi. General shitpost.

Published 2022-01-26 05:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-01-26 05:50:01 UTC

Happy Birth--er... Extinction Day!

It was finally time for Spike’s birthday. Twilight and her friends have worked their tails off for the past couple of weeks trying to get everything in order, but Twilight was stressing out, nearly biting the ends of her forehooves in anticipation for the last piece to arrive at her castle. It was a bouncy castle, but it was like no other bouncy castle ever created in Equestria. Why was this important, because Spike requested it. The birthday drake was not going to be happy if this wasn’t done.

Twilight sighed as she wiped her forehead with her forehoof. A job well done, if working nonstop for the past few days had anything to say about it. Her effort was shown in several stacks of paperwork, which were piled higher than the ceiling in her office, so she had to take her stack into the foyer where the ceiling was high enough for the stack to stand tall. She marveled in her masterpiece, a tower of papercuts and paper that she could send straight to her filing cabinet to be filed. Luckily, she had Spike to do that the day after tomorrow—no pony would bump into the stack (she hoped).

Now since her paperwork was done, she could finally go out back to make sure Spike’s party was perfect. She needed to check to see if all the decorations were decorated, the tables were tabled, and the gems were… still gems. She didn’t know if they still liquified into a gloopy mush if left out too long in the sun (she wondered if these gems were actually gems after all but Rarity said they were a rare gem that needed to be preserved in a cryogenic stasis before being served with a bottle of cider. She wasn’t planning on the cider, but the nitrogen fumes were definitely required. It gave that ‘feeling of being cold’, while also ‘feeling like your lungs were about to freeze with your next breath’.

Anyway, the mare trotted into the next room, humming to herself like she was not severely depressed and tired. In fact, she was happy. Her dragon that she hatched and provided food, water, shelter, and most importantly, weaponized friendship was now old enough to leave her place and find a cave of his own, where he can build his hoard, meet a nice dragonfriend, and have a family of his own. However, knowing him, he’ll still pursue Rarity because he knew him like a book. The cave and the hoard was still going to happen regardless, though. Natural instinct and all.

Twilight turned the corner and ran into a stack of papers. No, this wasn’t the same stack of papers that towered above her. No, this was a small stack of papers, which made her think twice about having stacks of papers in the castle.

“Ugh,” she moaned, before shoving the stack over with her wing. The paper just slid down and onto the floor, where a mess of angst and ink lay in wake for some poor guard to stumble upon like a bad dream. She smiled and kept trotting on, knowing that this was not her problem until she cared—although her senses of organization were holding her hostage in her mind until she gave in, but yet again, she was too tired to care.

So Twilight made her way down the hall. She stood in front of the tall, towering luxury back door which led to the party, but she knew one thing was off. An itching feeling lingering in her scalp made her take pause, lift her clown, and shake her mane free of whatever was causing that. Luckily for her, the feeling left as soon as she whipped her hair back and forth, which made her smile, place her crown back on her head, adjust it so it was just right, and then let out a huge exhale of relief.

“Finally,” she said, before letting those doors fly. They flew wide open, letting her see the whole scope of her efforts. Tables were indeed tabled, decorated with a white cloth on each that draped over just enough to where the only pony who will be whining about it will be her brother, Shining Armor. She can imagine him already trying to wiggle his hooves out of the cloth, only for him to groan and growl like he does, before ripping a hole on the side for him to not feel like his hairs were on end. Then, Cadence, bless her heart, would tell him to behave himself, as Flurry Heart would learn from him and start ripping up their castle, which he would tell her that Flurry had already ripped apart their marriage certificate thinking it was her math homework. Little did they know, Twilight knew that Flurry had changed their marriage, for better or worse is still to be determined by ample amount of testing, but she so far has seen a mixture of both, leaving her to believe that the worst was yet to come.

Twilight walked on and investigated further. While everything else was pretty run of the mill for a birthday party, there was one thing that was different. That bouncy castle, made as an exact one to one replica of her own, except, well… smaller, and with extra spring to the floorboards. She knew in her heart that some ponies would say this was immature, that this was totally uncalled for, but even she could not resist the urge to bounce like a foal again. Besides, now that she had wings, this would be a great time to practice her midair take off!

Her nostrils nearly took off due to the incredible fragrance of the food on the serving table. She would not settle for less, as many ponies were about to arrive and be hungry as can be. She was planning on giving these ponies a good time, and if that meant filling their bellies before they inevitably puke in the bouncy castle, then she was sure as crystal with her food would be pleasurable and filling. Heck, Twilight was planning on getting a good slice of that cake that she ordered from Pinkie. It looked absolutely to die for, the water beginning to form at her lips.

She blinked. Wait, was she drooling? The alicorn pawed at her muzzle with her forehoof and gasped. Yep, she was.

“Time to eat,” said Twilight’s stomach.

“No,” said Twilight out loud.

Rainbow Dash looked at her friend with sudden worry. “Uh… Twilight?”

The mare nearly flew out of her own skin when she flipped around to see her friend there, her slightly lowered brows and soft gaze presenting her to the hospital. “Sorry, Rainbow. I was… making sure all the preparations were set.”

Those brows of Rainbow raised higher. “If drooling means making sure preparations were set, then sure, I get you egghead.” She followed her quip with a little giggle-snort before continuing, “Did you eat before this?”

“Nope,” Twilight said as-matter-of-factly as she could without proving her measure further with a twenty-page dissertation followed by a one-hundred page follow-up foretelling the future of magic and how her decision-making in about twenty minutes will lead to true happiness for all ponies of Equestria! She let out a breath of air she was holding (did she actually say all of that?) and continued, “I was too busy preparing for Spike’s big day. Oh, I’m so happy!”

Rainbow Dash tilted her head at Twilight’s sudden urge to do a jig. “Twilight, I don’t know about you, but I had a stallion visit my room yesterday, and it definitely wasn’t a great example of happiness. So anything would be an improvement to that horrible performance.”

Twilight frowned. “He left you out to dry, didn’t he?”

Rainbow nodded. “I haven’t been on this long of a dry streak before.”

“That’s terrible! What a horrible guy?”

“Right?” Rainbow said, her eyes lit aflame with unrepressed rage. “I mean, come on? All he had to do was ruffle my feathers a bit and make my day. How hard is it to do that? I had a long day of practice and instead he left me all my lonesome while he just—”

Twilight really tilted her head nearly off her spine. “Uhh, were we talking about the same thing?”

Rainbow’s eyes widened. “Uh… were we?”

“I thought you were talking about Soarin’ but I guess I should’ve asked before you decided to…”

Suddenly, Rainbow Dash introduced a new color to her already expressive look: a darker shade of red which blended into her cheek fur like they were going to set up shop there for the next few weeks. “I.. sorry, Twilight. That was probably too much information.”

“You’re telling me,” Twilight replied in a deathly whisper. She got closer to her friend and sighed. “You know what nevermind. I’m just glad you’re here. Enjoy yourself, okay?”

“I’ll try,” Rainbow said, her head hung low. She walked past Twilight and to the seat, hopefully not to try and break her dry streak at Spike’s party. That would be weird.

Twilight smiled again. Her friends should start trickling in more soon. Hopefully they appreciate the smaller version of her castle, as that nearly carved about twenty-five million bits out of her savings. The mare walked away from her prized possession in search of more of her friends.

Little by little, brick by brick, and painstaking second by painstaking second did guests begin to arrive. It felt like time flashed on by as each pony greeted her. And soon, those tables she mentioned by the dozen were filled with happy partygoers. It was a beautiful sight to behold, but there was a pony and a dragon that still haven’t arrived, or rather, have come up to her and said hi.

“Hey, Twilight.”

“Spike!” Twilight said as she whipped around to see her favorite dragon in all of Equestria. She ensnared him in a big wing hug. “I’m glad you’re here. Happy birthday!”

“Thanks, Twilight,” Spike replied, returning the hug with one of his own. They held this for a few seconds before parting, the dragon the first to rebound with a retort, “Wow, there are alot of ponies here. How many did you invite?”

“Well, you should know that I only invited a few ponies. This was mostly Pinkie’s doing.”

Spike chuckled. “Of course it was. I should’ve known.” The dragon shook his head in disbelief. “I’m glad that I have some great friends that support me.”

The dragon was a bit taller now that he’s grown up. He wasn’t as tall as her per say, but he was definitely not a short little purple and green stump walking around, not that that was what Twilight thought of him. No, he was a stump with claws and had a nasty overbite to boot. “That’s what friends do, Spike. We support each other, even if times are tough. Friendship helps everypony become a better version of themselves.”

“Exactly,” Spike said, snapping his fingers. “Anyway, where is Spitfire?”

“Not sure, I haven’t seen her—”

“Right here, Spike.”

As if by a miracle presented to Twilight and Spike, Spitfire came down from the rafters as she landed in front of them. She walked over to the pair and smiled. “Sorry I’m late. My compadre decided it would be a good idea to pay a pitstop to a local vendor in town that was, for some reason, not attending the party.”

Twilight’s eyes widened. “Were they not invited?”

Spitfire shook her head. “No they were. They just decided that money was more important than happiness. Not sure what that’s about, but I guess they were right. Soarin over here was really hungry for some apple pie.”

Upon saying those words, Soarin, who still had some apple crumbs on his muzzle, landed rather drunkenly on the ground. He nearly tripped and fell, but luckily, his charisma kept him upright, his body lackadaisically floated towards the trio. He exhaled forcibly through his nostrils and neighed. “Sorry, that apple pie was really good.”

Spike raised a brow. “Is this normal, Spitfire?”

Spitfire frowned and shimmied a little closer to Spike. “Yes. Can we pretend he’s not affiliated with the Wonderbolts? I forgot that he gets into a drunken stupor whenever he eats apple pie.”

“Well, fortunately for us, he can get blackout drunk with all the rest of the apple pie we have!” Twilight exclaimed.

“W-Whatsh?” Soarin tried to say. His eyes were as wide as any drunk would be when they’re told there’s more beer in the back. “Y-You seriush?”

“Yes,” Twilight said, much to Spitfire’s dismay. “Do you need some help? I can direct you to the food table…”

Twilight and Soarin walked away from Spitfire and Spike, who were befuddled by the whole scene. The two stood ramrod next to each other, waiting for them to be out of earshot. Once those two maniacs were, the pair sighed and relaxed.

“I don’t know what is going on, but it seems that everyone is having the time of their lives.”

“Well said, Spike,” Spitfire said calmly. She looked at the drake and patted him on the back with her wing. “Happy birthday by the way. You look like you’re ready to take on a manticore.”

“Really?” Spike said, showing off his pearly whites to the mare.

“Yeah, you are. Wow, did those teeth of yours get sharper?” Spitfire asked, moving her head to get a better view of Spike’s mouth.

The dragon kept his mouth open and nodded. “Yep!”

“W-Wow. Bet you their sharper than a shark’s!”

“Probably. Not sure if I want to find out,” Spike answered with a shrug. He looked over at the bouncy castle and nudged the mare’s side. “I’m glad you’re here. I know how much of a bouncy castle connoisseur you are.”

Spitfire peeked around the drake to get a better view of the bouncy castle, which was nestled in the corner of the yard a bit ways from where everyone else was. “Yeah, you know me pretty well. Did you do your research?”

“Pfft.” Spike waved off the mare. “I am not a fan of yours. We’re friends, remember?”

“Of course, just making sure. I know I told you that back when you came to Rainbow Dash’s second show ever.” Spitfire paused, as if she was counting her blessings, before continuing, “I can’t remember why it was brought up though. Might have been distracted or something.”

Spike chuckled. “You were too busy wondering where Soarin was to focus? I am shocked.”

“Bite me,” Spitfire said, sticking out her tongue. “Anyway, guess that makes sense. The dolt keeps losing track of where he is that I have to find him if he catches even a whiff of an apple.”

“That’s why Soarin was banned from eating apples…” Spike muttered, his voice trailing off. Spitfire laughed before nodding. “Guess I was right. Well, he’ll most likely pass out so you’ll have to carry him home.”

“Greaaattt…” Spitfire said with a groan. “Well, guess I better spend my time right, and what better way than hanging out with you, Spike.”

“Glad you see that the same as I do. You’re great to hang out with too, Spitfire.”

“Flattery will only get you so far with me. Now Rainbow Dash, however, is extremely desperate.”

“I would say I’m sorry to hear, but I’d rather focus on having fun than whatever you’re about to tell me.” Spike looked at the bouncy castle and smiled. “Spitfire, that bouncy castle is calling me. You wanna break it in before anyone else gets a chance?”

Spitfire smirked. “Sure, but it sounds like you want to do more than just ‘break it in’. What’s the catch?”

Spike mirrored her with a smirk of his own. “Do you want there to be one?”

Spitfire hummed to herself, pawing at her chin with her forehoof. “Highest bounce gets extra cake?”

Spike, without hesitation, shoved his hand out in front of the mare. “Deal.”

They shook hand-to-hoof and raced over to the bouncy castle. There, they hopped into it and took turns launching themselves into the air. Several attempts were made: Spike’s were full of joy and life, his body propelling him higher and higher as he bounced. Meanwhile, Spitfire was using her technique as a Wonderbolt to launch herself higher, hoping to go above Spike’s rather lax way of doing this challenge. Little did she know, he had a card up his metaphorical sleeve, one that he was ready to activate ever since he learned how to control it.

His greed.

“Spike. Want. Bounce!”

A deathly growl followed by a noise that was akin to someone shattering a pane of glass echoed in the bouncy castle. Spitfire, completely and utterly oblivious to the sudden growth spurt of the dragon, was in midair, letting her body slam onto the only remaining bit of the bouncy castle left. As she landed, suddenly, every force ever created in Equestria was willed to this one bounce, and with Spike’s impact, the mare was launched, blasting off with such trajectory that the mare became a shooting star.

“AHHHHH!” she screamed.

“AHHHHH?” Spike said, his greedy, rather demonic voice reaching for hope that he didn’t just kill the mare.

Spitfire watched as everyone disappeared from view, her body now racing out of the galaxy. Fire danced all around her, her body being propelled by energy never heard of. Was this what going through a rainboom felt like? Gas and greed? No way that was the case. There were no rainbows to be seen, only fire, pain, and an urge to scream death metal lyrics.

Spitfire screamed as the fire carried her to the ground. An explosion erupted, making whatever land she slammed into shatter and morph. Thousands of screams erupted, and explosions soon followed. She could barely see anything, but it looked like the scorched soil she landed on was searing into her hooves. She yelped, before feeling nothing anymore. The land around her was still molten, but it was no longer hurting her. Must be the power of friendship that protected her.

Once the fires around her began to go elsewhere, she realized what she did. Bodies. Several bodies of various sizes were strewn around her. Most were extremely burnt while others were just turned to ash. Lava, fire, and remnants of life presented themselves to her as the sky screamed hellfire and death.

Spitfire could only think of one thing:

“Did I just kill everyone?”

It was sixty-five million BC. The skies were blue. The grass was green. Dinosaurs roamed the land. Reptiles too. Fish swam, birds yelled and flew, and the trees briskly danced in the wind. Rock forms of all sizes were proud to be standing on this day.

Then, suddenly, without much warning, a giant ball of fire raced across the sky. Anyone who saw it and was close to the ball immediately turned to ash. Trees burned aflame, dinosaurs that didn’t get burnt alive were racing for shelter. There was no shelter to save them from the end of their world.

The fireball crashed into a nearby watering hole, killing everything in sight. No longer was there a watering hole, but a large crater that tore the earth asunder and made a ring of fire that was destined to kill anything immediately within a 500 mile radius. In the center bore new life, a pony with a fiery mane and tail. It was not harmed in the fire, a miracle in itself. It stood there shell shocked as the world around it ended, and a new one began.

Author's Note

I have now murdered the 'Random' tag. You're welcome.

Also this was voted to be posted, I'm just sitting here astonished that this was written.