Author's Note

Okay, fine. If you're serious about this, here are the two tags I left off:

Narcotics
Comedy

Gag Ending

I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth, bracing for the filthy blade to part my flesh. Suddenly the roar of the saw cut out again and I heard a boom.

“Surprise!” came a great shout from all around me.

I opened my eyes confusedly to see over a dozen ponies gathered around all sides, smiling down at me.

“Happy Birthday, Octavia!” blasted Pinkie Pie, as her confetti began to sprinkle down upon me.

Everypony waited excitedly for several moments for me to speak. “My… birthday is in two months,” I muttered bewilderedly.

“It’s an early surprise birthday party!” shouted Pinkie.

“I don’t understand… what this is,” I replied weakly.

“It’s an early surprise birthday party!” shouted Pinkie.

“Have you all gone completely insane!” I exploded. "This isn't how surprise parties work! I was injured, knocked unconscious and then abducted by Derpy who subjected me to unimaginable pain and torment and made me believe I was going to have my leg cut off without anesthesia and possibly die! I screamed for help and you all just stood there in the next room?” My voice began to crack as my vocal chords became hoarse from overexertion.

“Yeah,” laughed Rainbow Dash smugly, “but it was all fake. You were safe the whole time.”

“All- all fake?” I stammered. “The pain was real! Look at my fucking leg! Look what Derpy did to her own face!”

Derpy, who was still bloody and battered, had put on a party hat. “I almost thought you knew when you asked if this was a joke,” she smiled dumbly.

Time Turner squinted down at the protruding bone in my leg. “Oh my, that is actually rather nasty.”

“It’s fake,” argued Rainbow. “Rarity did the makeup. Look, it comes right-” She swatted the bone and recoiled as I screamed in pain once again. “Oh, shit, it is real,” she said, wide-eyed.

“Release me from this mattress so that I can kill all of you,” I hissed, my whole body shaking with rage.

Pinkie Pie screwed up her face and shrugged. “Well that doesn’t sound like a good trade.” The whole crowd laughed with her while I fumed. “Don’t you want to open your presents first?”

“Oh, goodie, presents,” I chimed in sarcastic elation. “What did you get me? I hope it’s replacement friends.”

“Wow, way to appreciate all our hard work,” scoffed Bon-Bon.

“Show her the cake,” proposed Lyra excitedly. “She’ll love it.”

“Okie dokie, loki! Feast your eyes on this!” commanded Pinkie, tilting an open pastry box for me to see.

Vinyl immediately swiped her hoof along the edge to steal some frosting.

I grudgingly looked and saw a surprisingly mediocre square white cake that read ’Happy Birthday, Octavia!’ over a carefully frosted- My eyes widened. “A fucking saxophone!” I blurted, aghast. “What is this? None of you know anything about me!” I screamed, my eyes scanning over the lot of them. “I play the cello! I PLAY THE CELLO!”

My eyes shot open to behold a familiar ceiling, hazy though it was. Bass beats were blasting in my ears and vibrating through the couch cushions into my back. I coughed from the hash fumes and rolled over to see Vinyl sprawled out horizontally over a chair across from me. She was looking up at the ceiling flailing her hooves with the beat as if she were conducting.

"Oh, thank goodness," I sighed. "This makes much more sense." While I was annoyed that Vinyl had poisoned the living room again, I was happy that everypony didn't think I played the saxophone. I did need some fresh air though.

I slid my legs off the sofa and stood up, immediately stumbling onto my haunches. "Bloody THC," I muttered. When I looked down I saw one leg and one bandaged stump ending above the knee. I gasped in horror.

"V- Vinyl!" I shrieked, scrambling awkwardly to my hooves. "Vinyl!" I screamed again, trying to jar her from her feel-good stupor. "What happened to my leg?"

Finally she made eye contact with me. She thought for a moment and then pointed at the coffee table. I followed her hoof curiously to a folded newspaper. When I looked closer, I saw that the front page showed a picture of Derpy's apparent mugshot under the headline 'Mailmare Mutilator.'

"But, but I thought it was just a dream," I whimpered. I continued reading the article. Local mailmare, Derpy Hooves arrested for abducting, mutilating Ponyville socialite and amateur saxophonist.

I slammed my hoof on the coffee table. "I play the cello! Has all of Equestria gone mad? I've played the cello for well over a decade! It's right over-" I pointed to my corner of the room where sat a glistening saxophone on a stand. My mouth dropped open.

"Vinyl!" I screeched again. "You're masterminding this conspiracy against me, aren't you? You've been telling everypony lies!" I shook her with just one hoof so I could remain standing. "It's not funny!" I continued.

My eyes shot open as I was jostled awake by my bandmate.

"Vinyl! Wake up you lazy slob!" called Octavia, still shaking me. "We're on in five. You can't be sleeping now."

A round of applause swelled in my ears and I suddenly remembered we were backstage at the Twilight Velvet Blues Club. I sat up in my folding chair and rubbed my face with my hooves, watching my pinched brassy reflection in Octavia's sax as it dangled by the strap.

"Octy, I just had the weirdest dream. You were in it. You were so funny," I giggled.

"Oh, Vinyl," she sighed. "Tell me about it after the show over brandy."