Of course, Reader! But I thought you didn’t like hugs?
You shift in the wooden chair built for bodies much larger than yours, avoiding her gaze. “N-no. I do like hugs, it’s just…” Though you aren’t looking at her, it’s almost a certainty that she’s tilted her head.
“Just?”
Your hands move on their own, or at least, that’s what it feels like, twiddling and interlocking fingers in a way that tries to make your arms not feel like awkward accessories you didn’t mean to bring with you. That weird sensation you get of a cool burning in your chest, between your lungs and stomach, is back in full force. If only you could just, SAY stuff without worrying about being a burden or called stupid or lying. Just for once, why can’t you do anything rig—
“Reader? It’s ok,” Twilight says. She’s really good at doing that. The whole, “not making you feel awful for being stupid” thing. Probably because she’s been talking to Fluttershy a lot about you. Oh great, that cold burn of shame is stronger now, real smart, Reader.
Realizing what you’re doing, you take a deep breath in, hand on your sternum, slow breath out. Ok, ok, anchoring phrase, anchoring phrase.
I’m Reader the human. I don’t remember how old I am and I can’t remember how I got here. My amnesia doesn’t make me stupid because I can’t control it. I live in Ponyville, Equestria. Today is the first day of winter. I’m sitting with Princess Twilight Sparkle in her castle and I just asked her for a hug.
That burning feeling is gone, for now. Oh, no, never mind, it’s still there but not as bad. Jeeze, that grounding stuff Tendercare told you about is like, black magic or something. How is it that watching a unicorn cast isn’t as mysterious as this? It’s gotta be that you can see the unicorns doing it. Obviously. Oh well, at least now you can say something instead of sitting there like a mute moron.
“I… I do like hugs. It’s just that… I…” Your gaze still sticks to the floor but now it's searching for something more visually appealing than that tiny bit of scuffed crystal. “Hugs are just, very, very uncomfortable if I’m not the one, uh… initiating. That really goes for any kind of physical contact, really. If it happens out of my control, I just—it just—you know—it—it feels bad.” You manage to look at Twilight, avoiding her eyes, settling somewhere between her chest fluff and snout. Yeah that’s just her neck. Gee, ponies sure have a lot of neck. You glance up, she looks like she’s stuck between confusion and having an epiphany, if the way she’s furrowing her brow is any indication.
“Well, you can hug me anytime you want, Reader. I just don’t understand why you waited so long to ask me; you’ve been here for well over a year now, I just thought you didn’t like them.”
Argh! I’m so stupid, I should’ve asked her sooner! Then I wouldn’t have to burden her with my feelings!
Deep breath. Sternum.
I’m not stupid, It just took me a while to feel safe asking her this.
“Well, it’s just, one of the things I remember from my world is that asking for hugs wasn’t something that was ok, or not for where I lived at least. You know I can’t remember why it wasn’t ok or who it wasn’t ok with or if it’s all just some feeling that I’m making up or what. Just that, it wasn’t a normal thing people asked each other, at least, not around me.”
“Not even with your family?” she asks, sounding almost heartbroken. Weird that she’d sound like that when the answer is “of course not.” Then again, ponies are extremely touchy feely, so you guess the answer wouldn’t be obvious to a pony.
Shaking your head, you kick your feet below you, once again finding something other than your friend to look at so you don’t have to make eye contact.
“Oh. Reader… I—I don’t know what to say…” She hops off her seat and walks over to you, the soft clip clop of her hooves almost reminds you of the horses from your world. Ponies here certainly got the size of them, that’s for sure. It’s not like whatever brought you here changed your size, that’s one of the few things you’re sure of.
Turning your head to get a better look, you can see she was almost going to hug you, or nuzzle you, or maybe both? It’s so much better that she didn’t, but then, that just makes you the weirdo human who gets uncomfortable from normal things like pony nuzzles.
“Is it ok if I hug you?” She asks.
You nod.
Her looming presence over you lessens as she sinks down to your level. Hooves meet your back and you find yourself stepping out of your chair and moving into her grasp. Ponies are so much softer than horses, they’re like living pillows. Maybe in Rarity’s case, she’d be a living marshmallow. But what about Celestia? She’s an absolute titan. Living ten-tiered wedding cake? Nah, she’d be a twenty-tiered wedding cake for sure.
Twilight’s hooves stroking your back, gently, softly, rubbing against your woolen shirt, bring you back to the present. You throw your arms around her neck and pull yourself in deeper to the embrace as her wings lock you into the hug. It’s nice, sinking into a hug like this, maybe if she’s ok with this, the other pon—
“Reader, do you want to move to somewhere else, like the couch?”
“Yes please.”
Hopping on her back, the two of you trot to the couch in the other room. They call it a couch, but you and Spike both agree that their sofas are more like beds.
Lowering herself, Twilight lets you get off her back. You sit on the couch and wait for her to join you. Yet, she doesn’t. Looking up, you see her standing again, not having moved from that spot.
She asks, “How do you want me to hug you?”
For a moment, you look into her eyes. Not so super long that it feels like she’s piercing into your soul, but long enough that you can see that sparkle in her eyes that she only gets when she’s helping a friend. At least it’s tempered by her cautious, unsure grin.
You shift in your seat, at least the couch is softer than the wooden chair from earlier. “I could just, lean into you and… I don’t know… You could hold me?” You say, kicking your legs as you speak.
You don’t need to look to feel yourself falling into the gravity well that is a giant pony sitting on a couch next to you. The way you landed, it’s almost as though Twilight perfectly calculated it so you’d land in the position you described. It’s a bit of an awkward angle the way your back is resting against her chest, but it’s not like you need, or want, to change positions right now.
Twilight’s hooves start snaking their way around your torso, but they freeze when you stiffen at their touch. Reaching out, you grasp her hooves and guide them around you until she’s pulling you closer on her own again. With her legs out of the way, you find yourself sinking deeper into her chest.
Minutes pass and you find yourself finally able to relax; no longer are you freezing at her touch. She’s taken to petting you like a foal, it’s nice, but she doesn’t seem entirely relaxed herself. Maybe…
“Twilight, do you want to, uh, change positions? You seem a little uncomfortable.”
“Well, my neck is getting a little stiff, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. You’re leading, so if you want to change positions, you can just say so. I do appreciate you asking though, it shows just what a good friend you are.” She knows just the right words to make you feel not terrible about yourself.
“Then, if you want, you could lay on your side, and um… spoon me?” It doesn’t take long for Twilight to move into position. She maintains her grip on you like you’re her Smarty Pants doll and soon you’re both on your sides. This time, however, she’s able to nuzzle into you. You may have a somewhat irrational fear of a unicorn forgetting where their horn is and accidentally goring you, but you keep that fear to yourself. That fear is stifled by the sensation of her large wings wrapping around you, pleasantly squeezing you much like a weighted blanket would. Actually, her wings are large enough that you could use one as a full size blanket, provided neither of you moved at all once you got in just the right spot.
Soon enough, Twilight stops her nuzzling and rests her head on yours. Another difference ponies have is that their heads are more human-shaped than horses, their muzzles aren’t as long. If you drew, you’d probably have an easier time drawing pony heads after practicing human heads, than after practicing horse heads. Spike’s gotten good at drawing lately, maybe you could join him.
Twilight speaks up, your eyelids grow heavy as the rumbles of her speaking wash over you. “Reader, you’re a good friend to me, to all of us. If you ever feel scared to come to us with a problem, or question, or anything, please remember that we care about you. None of us want to see you suffer alone if we can help it.”
“Thank you, Twilight.” That cold burning has completely faded now, snuffed by Twilight’s own soothing words. All that’s left is the weight upon your eyes and the pleasant warmth of the pony swaddling you in her wings and cuddling you in her hooves. You blink, eyelids resisting the journey upwards. A previous interrupted train of thought comes back to you. Yeah, maybe if Twilight’s ok with this, your other friends would be too.
While you aren’t about to start asking random townsponies to cuddle, maybe your friends are more ok with it than you assume? You wonder to yourself what it’d be like to cuddle with Spike. He, and the foals you’ve seen are just about the only creatures around who aren’t taller than you, and they’re still only a foot or so shorter than you. Though, Spike’s really the only one you’d consider when it comes to cuddling because he’s like a little brother to you. Twilight’s like an older sister, but only because that’s the role she needed to fill for you. Thinking about it, you might be older than her, but such is the way of not knowing your age. Not that either of them seem to mind.
Eyelids drifting further and further down until they finally seal shut, the warm embrace carries you gently to sleep as you reflect on your found family. Softly, you tell Twilight, “I think I’m going to nap for a bit.” She says nothing in return. Only nuzzling your neck in gentle unspoken approval.
Maybe Tendercare’s right, things can get better, however slowly.
